#i feel like this is really rambly and disorganized im sorry

[everydaydollydomes]

Hi! I'm thinking of making my own ball jointed dolls, but don't know where to start. What are some beginner tips?

As far as sculpting goes, my main focus so far as been on object heads with only very very recently branching out into a tail (which looks pretty good imo for a first pass lol). I am hoping to eventually model my own body to go with my object heads, though, and have a doll that is 100% my own. Right now I print a lot of Kabbits cause I love them - they're made by AelithArt, who also has shared quite a few tutorials.

Some of Aelith's tutorials are linked below (he uses zbrush, which is a paid subscription. I've heard zbrush mini is free, though) (also hopefully these links will take you to the respective playlists):

If you don't like Zbrush or are having trouble getting Zbrush Mini to download or something, Blender is also popular and it's a free to use program. It's definitely got a learning curve but there are tons of tutorials on YouTube. I don't have any I specifically use, unfortunately, as the most I've used it for so far is for smoothing and a friend showed me how to do that over Discord.

Another friend has suggested just studying the joints and such of doll artists you admire and seeing how they built their dolls (one of my favorite parts of the Kabbits is the knees, personally)

I also got this on Etsy - https://www.etsy.com/listing/594358549/online-video-class-how-to-design-a-bjd?ref=hp_active-mission-recs-rv-1-1

Which is another Youtube course about designing a BJD pattern, essentially designing your doll. You can actually find a lot of classes like this through Etsy that may come as PDFs or special Youtube links. Those ones tend to cost money, though. I believe the one I got was about 15-16 US dollars. Not bad, but it's the very beginning of the process and does not get into the actual modeling aspect; it's just the planning stage. That seller DOES have more tutorials available that get into the modeling stage, but they're much more expensive and I believe she focuses on actual sculpting and casting in resin. I still use resin, but I 3D print my stuff.

If you can find a good, active discord community, that's also great, honestly. I'm really glad I joined Aelith's cause it's been a pretty positive experience and there's quite a few knowledgeable people in there who have all been very supportive.

Aaah, I hope this helped some?? I'm not always great at organizing my thoughts for this kind of thing and my own resources are actually kind of limited.

[lyretheinstrument]

Finished batch one of tfe season 2 and honestlyyyyyyyhhh..,.

(first batch review and opinions)

(cut to avoid spoilers)

it's rough compared to the first season. I genuinely believe it's not the creators fault and they probably got mega rushed and a ton of budget cuts.

This season was definitely more Terran focused and I don't minddd that?? because it is their show. but I do wish legacy characters got a bit of spotlight. I know prowls coming in batch two so I hope he gets a fair share of screentime. again, I know it’s supposed to focus on the Terrans but I feel that if your gonna include the cybertronians can you try to use them a little more ? otherwise don’t have them at all yk /lighthearted

but personal grievances aside for a moment the writing was ROUGH. I know it's a kids show but almost all the episodes felt weirdly paced, awkward, and babyish?? and the animation downgrade doesn't make it any better.

honestly a lot of it was just really distracting and I couldn't really focus on the story. Also the story itself felt kinda, unfocused? idk maybe that's a personal thing as well. I found it kinda hard to get invested. The Terrans I only really like are twitch thrash and nightshade. jawbreaker is fucking insufferable. I’m sorry.

I noticed a lot of the issues in the episodes could have been easily solved. That is NOTT something u want an audience to feel.. a simple communication or action could have easily prevented an issue in an episode. :/

personal grievances back infront IM SO MAD BEE GOT LIKE ZERO SCREENTIME

Optimus episode was cute tho I like it when characters shit on jawbreaker

I don't mind the cons being villains but if you’re gonna have them as villains can you give them more personality and screentime. also a lot of the decepticons felt bland or out of character.

A fun and interesting plot line we could have had (at least in my opinion) is decepticon infighting. It felt bizarre to me that soundwave and shockwave just fell in line when starscream assumed leadership. IDK!! I feel like the three would be arguing over who would be leader?? Correct me if I’m wrong on this I might he looking at this all wrong. </3

honestly I had like zero interest in spitfire and aftermath but at LEAST aftermath had a new design (GLARES AT SHAMELESS TWITCH RECOLOR).

like I’m not even upset that twitch and spitfire have the same/similar alt modes because it works w them being literal parallels of eachother. I’m just mad it’s just a straight up (lowk ugly) recolor. it just doesn’t work for me personally. Especially bc a good redesign could immediately fix a lot of my issues with it. like make her sharper or give her different patterns and adjust the color placement SOMETHING BRO.

that concludes my disorganized ramble for now. I’m excited to see everyone’s thoughts on the first batch of season two and I remain optimistic for the second half :3

side note:

I LOVE YOU BUMBLEBEE I LOVE U SO MUCH AND ALSO IM SOOO HAPPY RAVAGE GOT CONFIRMED AS FEMALE ILY GIRL CAT RAVAGE

[monkee-mobile]

I was rewatching the christmas episode and I love the part where Davy says he uses a security blanket, I know it was just thrown in to be funny but it’s actually really cute to think about. do you have any thoughts on it or similar headcanons about him?

It IS really cute!

I do have some thoughts on it. Probably many. These are going to be very disorganized and probably a bit overwritten, I warn in advance.

There was an interview that irl Davy did right before he died when he talks about needing someone there while he sleeps and I know when he was little (still real life davy) he had a “security pillow”. So I kind of stick those into my headcanon of tv show Davy sometimes. I think he likes having human contact and obviously we know the boys have zero personal space so he gets lots of it from his monkee brothers.

of course I’m a sucker for little tiny baby davy because he’s totally a spoiled brat toddler sometimes and he’s a fricken cutie whether i like it or not but i have some little thoughts that go more along the lines with that as well as contributing to him needing human contact I guess.

throughout the show when davy gets scared he tends to cling onto people (see clinging onto mike’s arm in the adorable monkee bed, or clinging onto micky’s arm when they think peter falls off that balcony in some video for a song that I can’t think of right now. maybe for pete’s sake?) or he jumps into someone’s arms and they carry him away, or he calls for out for Mike (see the circus episode when the guy starts throwing knives at him. like honey, what is mike gonna do? he’s a skinny little scarecrow man. michael tries his best.) OR he gets all jumpy and overstimulated and then devolves into nervous little giggles (see the wild monkees episode when he thinks the biker is gonna kill him but it turns out she’s a girl and starts kissing him and he’s nervously laughing and she can barely hold onto him. he’s definitely panicky and overstimulated there.)

but basically i think that when davy’s scared, he kind of just turns into a kid in certain ways. He wants the security of someone there to take care of him. he’s all bark no bite. he acts all tough because he probably grew up needing to act tough or else he’d get picked on for being small, but now he’s got his friends to help him and i think it allows him to feel safer and to be able to rely on others more.

This connects a bit to another portion of davy’s real life that I connect into the show headcanon even though it’s clearly not meant to be within the written show. real life Davy lost his mom when he was young, and I sometimes think about the implications of if that had happened to davy in the show even though show davy has probably honestly never felt any real pain in his life. in certain ways I think that could be a reason he wants that security in the show, if he lost his mom.

I think this is a reason he clings onto mike, who’s very obviously the “protector” of the group (he’s their mama hen!! and they’re his little baby chicks following him around!! but i digress…) and mike has become a bit of a surrogate mom for Davy, and gives him what he lost as a kid losing his mom so young.

THIS IS SO SO LONG SO FAR IM SORRY

but mike being a mama to the boys, especially to peter and davy because i think micky’s more older brother type and they’re more of the “little ones” (don’t get me started on peter’s connections to mike. they run deep and peter is very much a very complicated kid in certain ways. he needs a lot of love and has deep down a fear of abandonment that i don’t think he even realizes he has, and mike is trying to help him through it. davy also helps with peter. they all help with peter, peter is so loved. anyway this is not about peter). Mike being the mama is so important to me and I love it so much and im gonna ramble about it so im sorry in advance (the monkees cuddling and making each other feel safe is so very important to me. they’re just my warm squishy comfort characters and i project everything onto them)

I made a post i think on my main blog about all of the monkees using mike’s big hands to stim with (people put davy as the “neurotypical one” but i don’t think he is. idk what he kind of neurodivergent he is but he’s something, he just conceals stuff well. i don’t even think he realizes or may ever realize. this is the 1960s we’re talking about) but I touched briefly upon my thoughts that davy just lets out his toddler energy when him and mike are on the couch and he just plops down in mike’s lap and grabs mike’s hands and occasionally bites them, but also grabbing his fingers and straightening them and stuff and making mike clap and things. Mike is just used to this at this point (davy is spoiled. don’t tell davy. he’ll deny it.) but sometimes it can be too much and I think mike has to set some boundaries about how much he can handle as a “mom” at points and Davy listens. In some of my thoughts I think Davy and Mike have known each other the longest (they just have that easy groove, i don’t know) and I think they’re able to talk well so mike can communicate if it’s just too much for him and davy’ll listen.

also Davy totally just parks himself in mike’s lap a lot and clings onto his shirt and just sits. Sometimes he just needs a nap or something and mike is warm and comfortable and davy knows he’s loved. The monkees full-group cuddle position on the couch watching the television is often peter and micky on either side of mike (pete sometimes sits on mikes lap but he’s a bit heavy and davy has a tendency to kick him off of it. davy be nice!). and davy on mikes lap and they’re all very sweet and nice and i love them.

i keep getting more and more thoughts im sorry…

one more thing i guess. davy wishes mike could pick him up. hes like a little purse dog and sort of internally wishes to be able to just be carried around on someone’s hip all the time. Mike has tried but it hurts his back. micky can do this a bit but davys just too heavy for him and he can hold him better carrying him “bridal” style like he does when davy gets scared in the show. peter is the only one who can really pick Davy up on his hip because he just doesn’t realize davys heavy because monkee logic, and davy is very startled by this at first because peter can just scoop him up and carry him around.

okay. that’s all. i’m gonna leave it at that. this post is so long, i apologize dearly. but i have many many thoughts so thank you for the ask anon!

[skybristle]

im just gonna dump a ton of starlight thoughts i had from my dms with mac moonsofmachinery because ast is Really fucking hard for me to write and. Idk. What do you think? my brains kinda mush rn but.... shakes her around... a lot of this is disorganized sorry it was very train of thought when i was writing it. @arsonstick come get your thangggg. i cut out what mac said where it wasn't relevant but some of it was important for flow of conversation

I think its very like. Interesting??? How ast went from being so hardworking towards the problem and nobody bothered her [partially because of adversion after maw, partially because of the group being generally a disorganized clusterfuck] but she was basically the only bh iterator who like

Actually. Did their job.Besides sparks but sparks is doing it for fucked up reasons

So im like. Very intrigued by whatever sent it spiraling and its motivations and feelings through it

Especially being rather asocial

If i hadddddd to guess [idk why im talking like this with my own characters it makes sense in my rambling work with me here mac] it Probably has something to do with the triple affirmative and iterator soceity basically descending into chaos

and factions

probably aligned with some fucked up form of sliverism for a time in regards to seeking personal ascension??? Maybe the only way she saw would be to take the old path. A blend of her very traditional and devoted beliefs and all of this new stuff it was introduced to via aurora

And that begins to stir in asts mind and makes a very. Very deadly combination

i think it would be fun too if like the culture of her city really rejected the streamlining of ascension and void fluid these days. Probably believed you had to actually make the pilgrimmage- otherwise you're not REALLY going to the void sea are you?

So maybe i won't move the rift. It would be really cool if there was all of these religious tunnels and stuff baked into the walls of it as you descend down, down, down. Like two pathways of religious ruins damaged by rain in a v shape sort of region if it was in the game

i think the sliver fiasco would have really enlightened her to like. The futility of it all and what she was doing. Inherently seeking a solution kind of went against the very traditional and grounded principles of her ancients- and she DID genuinely believe in her ancients. in some fucked up twisted way by breaking taboo and doing what ast does to whispers and etc etc etc it believes its following what they would have wanted. What silk truly would have wanted for their daughter

Because i think starlight at least in the beginning was seeking the solution, well, for her parents. And believed in their cause of freeing the world after they left. But after sliver left them with no answers whats the fucking point? Which i feel like is the mindset of a LOT of iterators. But. You know. She has weird and strange diseases

Got to imagine talking to basically no-one and being left in asts own echo chamber was. Uhm. Not good for it being sane and normal about it. Like yeah a lot of unstable iterators were effected badly and are also isolated but you know most of them like. Chat to people regularly and have friends and shit. starlight DIDN'T

which is why despite her apathy she gets SO ATTACHED to people who indulge her. Its why she answers to maws beck and call. Especially when maw frames herself as a 'higher power' and starlight is still kind of in a way scrambling after its beliefs in ascension were so shaken

I genuinely like. Believe that starlight did that to whispers with the intention of freeing them. She knew better. They were scared and didn't know themself and were trapped in a body that didn't let them live. Ast had to free them. Ast had to

Maybe the price to pay is some proding, some experimentation, some data points for next time

To it its completely fucking reasonable!! which just goes to show how FUCKED she's gotten

MAC: "honestly the fact starlight thinks ast is doing the right thing 'freeing' whispers makes it so much worse to me than if. it'd just been out of pure maw-like malice

ITS SO FUCKED UP..."

YEAH. AND I THINK ITS EXTRA FUCKED BECAUSE MAW IS MALICIOUS. SHE WANTS TO HURT PEOPLE AND HAS STARLIGHT WRAPPED ALL AROUND HER FUCKING FINGER

MAC: "Dude starlight could've been a fine person given different circumstances, she's not. actively malicious. but god do her actions tend to end in the worst things possi.... ohhhhhh heyyyy wait, sounds like THE ENTIRE PLOT OF BENDING HORIZONS!!!!"

I think starlight seeking aurora originally is like... so interesting too. Ast probably heard MANY of her citizens bitch and whine about albedo but you know. When the gears start turning and she starts diverging. Maybe. Maybe aurora knows something. Maybe aurora can put this all to bed- can make her feel normal and go back to work and be fine and content again. But aurora just opens the fucking floodgates and basically gives it all the sliverist and taboo chats and etc

TO him its like. He doessnt see consequences but also not much direct responsibility in things because 'well anyone can find anything eventually' which. Uhm. Aurora honey starlight would NOT have gone on global had you not gone 'welllll I don't know but all of these people seem to be talking about it :3"

i think starlight genuinely saw aurora as someone with such interesting and open perspective and ast was SO goddamn desprate to be affirmed. and. i mean. Aurora blew it off but Boy Did It Get Affirmed

[itchyeye]

aaaaaa yes all good thoughts! see a lot of my thoughts re: the stranger had more to do with how it seemed too material and reliant on physical stuff. the spiral had a literal endless maze, but also had people's lives falling to delusion. the web had literal spiders, but also had the concept of control and all that. so even if you aren't scared of the more obvious manifestations, you still have the chance to be disturbed by the more abstract ideas.

but the stranger (as delightful as its monsters are, i love nikola and breekon and hope etc etc, they just don't feel as clever) relies so heavily on the idea that the listener MUST be scared of dolls or taxidermy or automatons, meanwhile i love all those things! and ive had plenty of nightmares involving the uncanny valley or identity, and concepts like the mandela catalogue scare the shit out of me. but tma never seemed to get to the core of why that stuff is freaky, just "hey wouldn't be fucked up if this happened?"

and like you said, they didn't seem to put much care into why a person would worship the stranger, which is strange (ha) to me because the options feel so obvious? i've met plenty of people who are so concerned with maintaining appearances (not in the Flesh way, in the social way) that they construct false identities and roles to play for themselves, and that seems fitting. idk! something !!

and they could've played with what identity Means more - in a story where so many characters are struggling with the line between humans and monsters, it would've been interesting to have manifestations of the stranger where you're left wondering if the spooky entity is actually a person or not (whether that be through not trusting the statement giver to be a reliable narrator, or through the question of What Is A Person? itself)

idk im sort of rambling jfc i didnt mean for this ask to be so long sorry but yes woo there r my thoughts i do not have many tma friends so i am deprived of enrichment

but tma never seemed to get to the core of why that stuff is freaky, just "hey wouldn't be fucked up if this happened?"

YES!! i think a great example of how this falls flat is the desolation, actually! because all of the follower's of the people's church of the divine host are made of wax

they are no longer human, their physical being is made of boiling, moldable wax

that seems like it should be a stranger thing, right? they're literally wax works, the unknowing took place in a waxwork museum and the dancers were all waxworks

but the difference is exactly what you've just said. the desolation's followers actually aren't scary because they're made of wax. them being made of wax is so far down the list of why they're scary i literally forget that it's true most of the time. whereas:

the waxworks at the museum are just scary... because they're waxworks. weird ones tho.

(as delightful as its monsters are, i love nikola and breekon and hope etc etc, they just don't feel as clever)

this is really really it!! the stranger's monsters just don't feel as clever

i really like your idea about someone worshiping the stranger because they're so image obsessed!! i would love to hear more about that. i think that would make a very interesting acolyte.

also i was thinking about this last night and i think part of what makes the stranger feel so vast (ha) and disorganized is that fear of the unknown is a fundamental building block of every single one of the fears

the whole point of all the entities is that they take things that are pretty innocuous (wasp nests, ant infestations, garden spiders, tall buildings, stairwells, hallways, security cameras) and turn them into something vile

the characteristic of "the unkown" or "the unfamiliar" is impossible to localize under one entity

also, understandably it took a while to establish all the mechanics of like what a ritual is, how it can be stopped, why people would want it to happen, etc

but it took the gang two full seasons and several major character deaths to stop the unknowing, while the black sun was solved off screen between episodes

and like yes of course like gertrude would be better at finding and stopping rituals because she has 50 years of experience! and yes it gets easier to find and stop rituals as you keep going. but the balance of the story pacing just feels weird, y'know?

this isn't the only time that i feel like tma does a massive amount of build up for a whole lot of nothing but it's up there

[selfspinninglies]

Ever just get paranoid about a possible plot hole in an au of yours and think of a long winded explanation for it that nobody asked for? No? Well I did that's what this post is

Aaanyways so something that I've been thinking about with yetd is why doesn't raph go through the same thing donnie does with still being connected to the kraang and everything, periodical possessions and whatnot since he was under control of it too? (Putting the rest of this under the cut just incase nobody wants to hear my dumb dumb rambles also general tumblr etiquette. This is so disorganized im sorry i am terrible at explaining things)

Anyway x2, I'd say this is because of the difference in circumstance. With donnie, they aren't put under control but rather merged with the technodrome. I imagine that it communicated with them in some form during that time since it is literally a living spaceship from my understanding (might be wrong idk. Imagine having a conversation with a spaceship though. Crazy shit) so it could probably do something like that. Besides this is probably one of if not the first non-kraang piloting this thing so it'd probably take interest in that fact.

Also donnie comments on how close they are together. Like intertwined mentally. I don't remember the exact quote but yk. Something about them being in perfect unison with the ship. I feel like that's deeper than regular possession somehow ? It's certainly different (at least in my head.) I mean like this they're basically one being instead of one being piloted by the other. (Also I don't think that being ripped out of the console would take off all of the kraang goopiness. Have you seen how sticky and gross it looks? It's meant to stick to things really hard. There has to be at least a little left. The kraang are kind of like parasites/those mushrooms that take over antsafter all with how they operate. Taking over things for a specific purpose and making the subject do things for itself. If it can't stay, what use would it be?)

Anyway to why raph wouldn't experience what donnie is in this au.

The difference between possession and connection (? I guess? Don't have a better word) that I mentioned earlier. Definitely different circumstances with entire brain control (although I think raph would still . Yk . Have thoughts during that. Kind of like watching a movie . Can't do anything about it but you sure as he'll can react) and "hey we're one thing now".)

Also how I mentioned the kraang disgustingness would probably be hard to get off and latch on pretty hard. I mean raph straight up rips it off (and I'm pretty sure his ninpo gets the rest of it out? Rewatched that scene and I'm still not sure tbh) but if a little bit slipped somewhere on donnie and got ingrained (? Again don't have another word) into them and stayed for long enough without notice it would probably be a lot harder to remove

Oh god this post was so long and disorganized I am so sorry but I had to or I would go insane kill me

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

gooooood did not realize the DID tiktok mess was bigger than it seems. honestly kinda hate that though, as a system. i've had a lot of friends who i Thought at one point were good to me find out i have DID and then treat me like i was psycho & 100% their intel is based on stuff they find on the internet, like they think it's true and i ... would kill for that reason <3 i hate it so much. sorry, i'm just rambling, but genuinely i want to know your opinion on this kind of stuff bc--doesn't it freak you out too???

Yeah I feel you 100%. (sorry if this is a lil disorganized it's been a switchy kinda day, Stone & Void have been out most of the time and we're pretty blurry rn).

TikTok really is a hell hole when it comes to DID, because while we've met some great systems we've befriended, it's also just full of rampant ableism and misinformation. Every so often some account gets called out for faking having DID, and all that does though is invite singlets to make fun of DID and be ableist or serve as fuel for the people who believe DID isn't real or w/e. People (singlets) with no degrees or experience will come out with information like "Actually, the term system is made up and no professional uses or knows about that its some fake term made up by internet trolls" (wrong). "Alters can't communicate with each other and if someone says they can that means they're faking" (also wrong). "Systems can only have x amount of alters" (wrong). "Alters can't be fictional characters or animals" (wrong). "Only white people have DID" (wrong). And people will just take those statements as gospel and then go on and echo that information to other people.

So much stuff on the internet and in the media about DID is just awful shit that just is wrong. And so like you said, there's lots of time where I just mention DID or dissociative disorders and suddenly everyone's vibe changes. A little bit ago we were talking to a cousin at some family gathering, and our cousin has lots of mental issues too and you know has dealt with psych wards and medication and shit and we were just vibing comparing experiences with things and then like. I offhandedly mentioned dissociation and the vibe immediately shifted from something casual to smth where she was Concerned and Gentle and treating me like I was a child or completely psycho. Her reaction was like if we casually said like "yeah and I love thinking about murdering people violently and I might murder someone later 🥰"

it just sucks yknow? like, not just how people think that someone having DID means they're some crazy psycho violent murderer or smth, but like also that ppl are out there constantly like, spreading misinformation and using DID as a stand in for "crazy person". like hell like the name of the disorder changed from MPD to DID in like the mid 90s or smth but ppl still 100% call it MPD. people just refuse to learn and like just regurgitating harmful misinformation that just hurts systems, and half the time if you try to point out how harmful it is ppl just dont care bcuz yknow they write off folks with DID as just dehumanized psychos who dont deserve respect.

honestly sometimes we wish ppl went back to not knowing anything about DID, cuz like that'd b way better than people only knowing about it via completely wrong and ableist social media. id rather like, it b that if i say i have DID ppl dont know what that means, rather than them suddenly think im violent or psycho or incapable of judgement yk?

[elytrafemme]

do you have any tips an improving writing skills/learning writing techniques?

i do actually! :D

i will preface by saying though that i am by no means an experienced writer and i am still trying to learn so much writing stuff so this is just stuff that has helped me personally ^_^ also this is very disorganized sorry my brain is a bit foggy today

(1) READ! genuinely the best way to learn how to improve writing skills is to read things! i don't recommend going hyper-analytical on what writers do good and bad (i settled into that habit accidentally and am trying to wean myself off of it), but as you read things you will generally observe really good points in the piece, like if the writer is good at worldbuilding or something! so if there's a skill you're trying to work on, or if you're just aiming to improve in general, reading is really really important to learning stuff. readings also just very good :] sorry i can elaborate more on this if you want i feel like i'm getting repetitive but yeah!

(2) FREE ASSOCIATION WRITING! in my experience this helps a lot with A. perfectionism and B. writer's block. basically, set a timer (5-15 minutes is usually what i've done) and get yourself a prompt that you like, or if you prefer just go promptless, and write down a bunch of stuff. the idea is not to go back and try to routinely edit, just to get stuff out-- yes, it is going to be half coherent and it might kill you a bit in hindsight, but i've been able to pull out some really great lines out of messes in scribbles and it helps get the brain going!

(3) EXPERIMENT! me and my partner both sort of 'specialize' in different kinds of writing (for me it's poetry, for her it's prose), but both of us have kind of experimented with the other style. sometimes it sticks and sometimes it doesn't but one thing i think we've both found is that being able to play around with different formats and types of storytelling can help you see the benefits and drawbacks of everything. for example, poetry is really good with figuring out the way that words sound & sensory detailing, but prose helps a lot with setting up characters and contexts.

(4) DRAW FROM REAL LIFE! this is kind of dicey because a lot of times in writing, you don't want to project entirely onto the character-- that's not a rule of thumb or anything, do whatever the fuck you want-- just because it's good to try and bridge the gap between your experiences and theirs, and kind of combine them. BUT i do think it's really good to look into your own experiences and observations to guide your writing!

(5) GIVE YOUR READERS ANCHORS! this is a bit out of the norm with the others, but essentially, the idea here is that if you're writing something, as you go back and read it, you want to make sure to A. read it out loud so it sounds natural and B. make sure that it's easy to follow along. balancing dialogue with introspection with description etc. is a fucking tricky thing and it's not a standard balance for everyone at ALL, some writers naturally do more dialogue and some naturally do more description and both are fantastic! the idea here is less about trying to fit this strict norm, and more that you make sure that were a reader to, say, go through some thick paragraphs of introspection, they have 'hooks' or 'anchors' within them that draw them back to the present of the fic. same with dialogue tags, making sure readers can tell what is still going on and doesn't get confused with characters. this mostly just helps tense and comprehension but i do think it's a good skill to have :]

this is very rambly and long im srry but FINAL THING TO REMEMBER

(6) WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK U WANT! i have complicated thoughts on the idea of a good vs a bad writer but those thoughts can overall be summed up as: it's kind of not important just do what u want. if these tips dont help then dont use them! and these arent a guide to be the bestest writer ever also. im just kinda throwing stuff out there that's helped me improve my writing skills so may help u. but like if u dont like this then by all means throw it out the window u have no idea how many bits of writing advice ihave been given that i realized did NOT help me even if they helped others yknow? so yeah!

much love <3

[daisylore-au]

yoooo i have so much brainrot for this entire au but especially for the twins Helga and James. idk they're just really interesting to me probably cuz of my TFTSMP hyperfixation- and bring up a lot of questions. I noticed you named them after characters that both appeared in TFTSMP at some point which was a cool detail!! so if its alright im gonna ask a lot of questions about them probably sdfghgfd. One thing i wondered is if their parents know they can time travel or no, or even just karl knows? and if they'd ever possibly come across each other and be like 'hey wait a minute you shouldn't be here.' also i think you mentioned one of them has more controlled time travel abilities than the other and i was wondering how they're different? and like karl would either of them have memory problems or other side effects? sorry for the long and disorganized ask hgfdfghj (also anon isnt on and idk if that was on purpose or not)

I LOVE THE TWINS SO MUCH !!!! tales from the smp is such a cool series and i take so much inspiration from it for my own projects and writing, so i had to include nods to it :D

(and yes of course :D the more questions the better bc i’m hyperfixated on this au rn and this helps LMAO)

under cut for length !!

who knows about the kids’ time travel? very few people: including their parents. sapnap was worried about the kids being able to time travel, but since they haven’t shown any overt signs of being able to do so, the three of them have just sort of come to the agreement of “we’ll cross that bridge if we get to it” - as far as they’re concerned, they’re sure a) they haven’t inherited it, and b) if they have, it won’t manifest properly until they’re older. 

karl does suspect - he’s always been worried about the imaginative stories the twins would tell when asked what they had been doing all day, and always tried to keep an overprotective eye on them (he doesn’t want the in-between OR other side meddling in his kids’ lives - he’s done his part, and as far as he sees it, his kids shouldn’t have to go through what he did). he’s not convinced helga’s ramble about roman emperors being really mean and sentencing her to death for kicking them IS a story: but whenever he asks either of them about it, they always wriggle out of it.

the server takes the lives of its occupants Very Seriously — karl had to time travel to preserve stories and stop the egg from occurring (at least in this au, that’s what i’ve decided happens LMAO), and now his kids are time travelling because the server knows they can fix things.

(has karl come across them in his travels and just forgotten? maybe. only time will tell !! )

how do the twins have different levels of abilities? it’s partly just random chance, and partly due to personality. helga has a lot more control over her time travelling because she’s a generally more confident person, while james, who is more timid/nervous, is a little jumpy when it comes to time travelling, which reflects in the control he has over it. the less you fear your ability, the easier it is to control (kinda like frozen lmao!!).

do they experience side effects of time travelling like karl? neither of their memories are properly failing yet, though they’re both pretty scatterbrained, which is partly because of the time travelling. it’s hard to remember where you left your coat when literally ten minutes ago you’d been running from dinosaurs, LMAO. 

i hope that answered your questions !!! feel free to send another ask if it didn’t sbdkskd

ALSO tysm for letting me know about anon :’) it’s on now !!! anon asks have been enabled :D

[be-the-spark-flyboy]

heyy congratulations💕✨!! can i actually have a (male) ship for all the fandoms (if not, just do oscar characters (you have immaculate taste in movies, by the way)). im an entp and my star sign is capricorn. im very all over the place with my thoughts and i like talking a lot. like i already know this request is gonna be super long just ‘cause i ramble (im glad tumblr doesnt have a character limit anymore). in fact, i’ll send this short part in first and then the rest so you can like hide it under the cut or something. im so sorry 😂

so, my ramblings are probably why im considered an extrovert even though i feel like i might be an introvert sometimes. in my free time, i really like trying new things. i have a lot of hobbies that i pick up and drop at random but ive always been really into music (i think im a pretty decent singer. not good enough to make a career but enough to surprise people during karaoke).

ok, i feel like i kind of have to say this because the biggest stereotype of entps is that we’re argumentative... but im not that. i try to be very openminded and i hear people’s arguments before deciding on a stance (a lot of times, my opinion changes every time i talk about the topic. unless the topic, itself, is dumb. then i’ll be comedically stubborn (cereal’s a fucking soup, ok?)) and i’m also weirdly sensitive to other people’s emotions and i try not to say stuff that i know will offend them. i do thoroughly enjoy correcting people though. and debates are still very fun for me... a lot of times i come off as enfp/infp because im very excited/bubbly (when im horny (all the time)) and im very caring with my friends/family but i did my research and im definitely entp. im hella disorganized and i hate commitment (once i like you, though, prepare for me to sacrifice my life for you).

im good with other people’s emotions but the part i struggle with is managing/expressing my own. ive been told by multiple people that im very cold, which always surprises me because i try to act really “out there” with friends. i never dont expect them to see through it. most of the times, though, im not sure what people think of me. i kind of have a lot of different personalities that just ~materialize~ when im talking to a different person (woo defense mechanisms). one thing people dont realize is that im sarcastic but only with people i like. oh... yeah, when i have a crush on someone, i like to tease them. but im also stupid so sometimes i end up offending them instead of being lighthearted like with my friends (sometimes, but rarely, i will go too far with my friends too. even when i try not to). its my way of trying to reach out to them and show them im cool but it painfully backfires every. single. time.

uhhh, last thing, im a switch but definitely more on the “bratty-sub” side than the dom side. sometimes i go full on sub (degrading, praise, worship, bondage, etc) and i come back from it and im super confused because did that just happen?? this is just for your consideration, but usually, i really like hate to love type situations because the whole like “arguing as flirting” thing is just 👏🏻🥵 but im also really into best friends to lovers because in real life, i usually wouldnt like someone romantically unless i could potentially see them as my best friend, platonically.

ok, so. i just stalked your ENTIRE page and i ship you with llewyn because youre really sweet (you deserve each and every follower, by the way. id die for you) and i feel like he needs that in his life. i also think maybe nathan(?) could work because he could learn a lot from you, emotionally. if not, i was thinking abel too. IDK. for starwars, poe because you seem just sane enough to stop him from like killing himself on accident because hes so dumb? also i could totally see you two as “arguing for a good amount of time before getting together” BUT i could also see “we were good friends before getting together” which- 😫😫 having to pick a scenario from my two favorite tropes for you and poe is a good sign for me. same reasoning for anakin. i think mando could also really appreciate your presence on his ship because youre kind and could take care of the child. for marvel, you lowkey could be really good with peter parker or scott lang (one of the soft, silly boys).

sorry for making this so long 😂

Thank you!! And don’t apologise it was an entertaining read🤣

---

MCU:

I ship you with...

Bucky Barnes 😎

It takes a while for Bucky to feel comfortable around you. He sees you with Sam often when you’re having one of your movie marathons or you’re just hanging out. He really wants to talk to you but he’s shy?? You find him attractive but then he is also intimidating.

Then Sam interferes and his solution is to set up a blind date for the two of you. It’s a little awkward in the beginning but you find his shyness endearing as hell. As time goes by, his true self shines through, you realise he is such a romantic and he always finds a way to sweep you off your feet. Horny all the time? He’s literally a super soldier so the stamina...

Star Wars:

I ship you with...

Finn🥰

Imagine, you always lean on each other to vent about things and gossip about other people. Rey is busy as hell and Poe is a dumbass (the the topic of the vent most of the time). Plus he’s General now so a distraction from all the work is very welcome and hence a lot of meet me outside i got a bottle of whisky texts from him. Eventually that turns to just hanging out because he wants to spend time with you.

He probably knows everything about you because he loves to listen to you ramble about anything and everything. Hence he’s one of the few people who you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. And then that turn to making out under the stars on a picnic mat and the rest is history.

Oscar Issac Characters:

I ship you with...

Nathan Bateman😈

It’s almost like you have a seventh sense to detect Nathan’s true emotions despite how much he tries to cover them up. He hates it. So he’s mean to you hence creating a vicious feedback loop of hatred. Queue 100k enimies to lovers slow burn But eventually things work out and Nathan learns to open up a tiny bit to you.

Bratty sub you say? Nathan loves a partner who bites back. Speaking of, on the rare occasion that the two of you show face in public, no one can stand to be around you two since you are always bickering. But trying to one up each other is just your love language.

[goodson]

Hello, I remember a while back you mentioned you used one of the meal kit delivery services. I was wondering if you had much luck with them? And how they were in terms of cost + amount of food in your opinion? I'm curious b/c with my history of depression and disorganization related to my adhd meal planning / cooking is hard for me. If you or anyone else has any opinion on any of the meal kit delivery services I'd love to hear ^^

hey!! this is going to be long i have a lot of feelings about depression + adhd + trying to eat consistently and thoughtfully

i find them really useful and honestly, if you have the means to pay upfront, they can be comprable to what i would spend in the grocery store. specifically — home chef is super affordable and easy, like $40 a week maybe. i stopped using it because i didnt love the recipes but thaaaats because im a picky bitch

at my most depressed is when i started using mealkits and it was amazing because it created structure that made sure i would actually eat. also, when i get in a really dark place, i become really afraid of everything even when it isnt logical. like im afraid to cook because it takes energy, maybe my back will hurt/spasm, maybe i’ll screw it up and i’ll have wasted my time, etc. meal kits are helpful because they remove so much of the guessing. most of them are three meals a week, and i typically got at least three servings out of each (unless it was like a burger kit or something of course). so thats at least nine guaranteed meals a week, then you can supplement with like. canned soup, frozen burritos, cereal, other easy serve meals

i will say i no longer use them but i still DEEPLY struggle with food prep/meal planning and honestly it absolutely does not work for me at all. what i do instead is block out time on my calendar for cooking/follow the occasional whim, and ill go grocery shopping for ONLY those ingredients. i found that if i tried to plan a full week i’d get way overwhelmed and give up and then end up with the ingredients going bad. i also easily get sick of leftovers so ive been concious of making meals that i could freeze without drastically reducing quality.

to lay it out more clearly: so i usually end up shopping smaller amounts twice a week and then immediately cooking when i get home, these grocery hauls are usually like $30 max. ill usually get ingredients for two meals im excited about (i genuinely love cooking! and i personally prefer cooking something exciting over more traditional/easy meals because i get passionate about it and then feel super proud, which reinforces this behavior) and then a few apples, bananas, some snacks, etc and thats been treating me really well. it also helps me stick to my budget which is great because im making a reduced wage right now and it is hitting me hard lol

last thing - to tag on to my point of how its been helpful for me to harness my passion for cooking: i have not been satisfied with any methods of keeping recipes so i experimented with ways that would make it easy to find things in a way that make sense for ME. most apps either lack features i want or, worse, lack recipes im interested in and have annoying features that make it difficult to add in your own shit. and i lose written recipes no matter what and i find looking through them really tedious. so i started using my notes app to record recipes that excite me so that when it comes time for me to cook i can scroll through or search like. “vegan” if im cooking for me and my partner, “quick” if i know ive been exhausted recently and dont wanna push it, etc. ive just been screencapping recipes and uploading the pictures and i know objectively its like a very Basic solitude but lowkey it feels mind blowingly useful to me

ok jeez sorry for rambling this is just something ive been spending a lot of time and energy on and i have a lot to say. good luck!!! its hard but u got this. find ways to hold yourself accountable. use a calendar or set a timer or draft a friend to do it with you - one of the benefits of the mealkits specifically is u can hook people up with that entry discount and then make it a Thing you do together. or if you have roomates, you could all pitch in to a family meal plan so it can be a shared experience. set yourself up for success in as many ways as you possibly can!

[sophiexrph]

hey sophie! so i hope this still falls under your wid, if not im so sorry. i impulsively deleted all my muses and decided to start over, but now im feeling really disorganized with it. do you have any advice please for organizing your muses, or like a step by step thing on what to know about them? sorry this is rambling

no worries, friend ! i can definitely try to help with this ! while i’ve never done something like this before, i love organizing, so let’s start trying to make sense of things. start with basic ideas of their personalities. just basic little things ! what are some things that they enjoy, where are they from, what’s their family like? write that out in bullet points - also, i like to fill out sheets like this one (i created a new page on my blog with this template so you can copy & paste wherever you’d like) ; remember, you don’t have to fill everything out at once ! from there, try to develop a name. names, to me, always come after personalities. when you’ve got your name, write that at the top of your bullet points. after a name, choose your faceclaim ! this might mean some tweaking to match your fc’s ethnicity with that of your muse. from there, you can start to expand the bullet points into a full biography.

it’s all about getting comfortable with your muses! let me simplify this:

bullet point/stats sheet

name

faceclaim

tweaking

full bio

i hope some of this helped you out !

[perhaps-mr-collins-has-a-cousin]

👪 Random Question Time! 👪 What are your parents like?

Oh goodness, well prepare yourself for a rather long answer this time. It’s long, but it still doesn’t feel complete, you know? How do you describe a whole, entire person? This answer is also somewhat rambly and disorganized because I didn’t feel like going through and editing it heavily enough for it to make sense and flow nicely, but…here it is anyway! 

To start with, my parents are both shy in a lot of situations, which explains where I got it from, but it doesn’t explain how the heck they ended up together, which has always confused me, even though they’ve told me the story several times. They’re just such different people in terms of temperament and interests, but somehow it worked! 

So my dad is super dependable. If we’re talking Myers-Briggs (which he thinks is utter baloney), I’ve always thought of him as an ISTJ? Super practical, but sometimes a weird sort of practicality that I, in my weird INFJ-ness would call oversimplification? He thinks I focus too much on feelings or things that are subjective, rather than on The Facts, and then I counter that just because feelings are subjective and immeasurable doesn’t mean they aren’t real or important, and round and round we go. I’m making it sound like we argue a lot, and really we argue pretty rarely, but we do like to Discuss. He’s actually pretty chill about letting me say what I want around him and letting me have my opinion even if he disagrees. It’s nice. And by the way, I don’t want to make it sound like he doesn’t care about people’s feelings either, because he really does. My mom has had some problems over the years, both physical and emotional, and I really think he’s been the most patient, compassionate, thorough caretaker anyone could ask for.

He’s got a weird sense of humor, but what dad doesn’t? His favorite joke is one that he made up himself, and it goes like this: 

How do you call a flower? 

With your tulips! 

(He told it at church once; it got a mixed reception.)

He’s pretty into physical fitness-y stuff, like before he retired he taught weight training and other physical education courses at our local community college. He still loves to ride his bike, I think that’s his favorite thing in the world to do. Reptiles and amphibians are another of his passions; we used to have at different times lizards and snakes and chameleons (the snakes were my favorite). Animals love him.

I get along best with my dad, but I’m probably most like my mom, at least on the surface. Our shyness manifests itself in a similar way: we’re both very soft-spoken, timid, usually only speak when spoken to, tend to like to avoid socializing altogether, etc. One of her favorite things to do is read, usually Christian fiction authors. She doesn’t really believe in herself, but I think she’s strong just to have dealt with all the difficulty she’s had in her life. She has such a soft heart and loves small children and animals, cats in particular. I’ve noticed she’s really good at reading people’s emotions. If I’m upset but try to hide it, she usually knows anyway. Is that an ISFJ thing? I don’t know, but I just feel like she’s an ISFJ. I can think of a couple times she saw me crying and started crying too because she felt my pain so strongly.

She doesn’t do as many creative things now, but I know she has that creative spark. She’s written a few short stories (there was one based on Cinderella that I loved) and done some cool cross-stitches (she taught me how to cross-stitch too). My dad is like that too, only with him it was poetry. Way back in his college days he was rejected by a girl and to vent his feelings he typed a short poem out on a napkin about how she’d looked at him with cow eyes and how was he to know she wasn’t interested if she gave him the freakin’ cow eyes, and he kept it in a box of mementoes and it’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read and I still make fun of him for it.

Anyway, sorry, back to my mom, who is actually quite funny too. She’s funny because you don’t expect her to be funny, I guess, and then she’ll just say something that makes you laugh, and I feel like I’m doing a really bad job describing it, but there you have it. Also she can make the most awesome chili.

Well, that gives you somewhat of a very rough idea of my parents’ personalities! They’re truly lovely people, and my closest friends :)

[tumblunni]

Misc thoughts of rambling development for my new yokai watch ocs family of hugs and sadness (blythe the Dimmy and amber the Gorgeous Ambassador)

* Amber was totally still Gorgeous Ambassador at heart even back when he was human. I feel like he probably dressed very plain and was very self concious for a long time, as well as also being poor as dirt so it wasnt really easy to be super fashion time. Perhaps the only way he was really able to be remotely flambouyant or pretty was just having a long ponytail that he was very proud of. It would have been easier to maintain a shorter hairstyle when you're struggling to even find somethibg to eat each day let alone a bath, but it just helped him hold on to a tiny bit of confidence. Even when he reincarnated as Gorgeous Ambassador he was still unconfident for a long time and it took all these centuries to fully embrace The Power Of Gorgeous. He was probably really shocked when he got his medal registered and heard his new yokai name, like uhh excuse me "must beautiful man who spreads beauty through the world with his smile" are you sure there hasnt been a mixup??? And nowadays he's become so happy with himself that he maybe dresses a little bit gaudy sometimes, but if you saw how he used to feel then you'd absolutely be cheering for him!

* he was probably worried that Blythe wouldn't recognise him when he finally managed to reunite with them, but i think the lil shadow ghost instantly knew it was their brother and ran straight into the biggest hug ever. "Im worried they'll think im all cringe and gaudy" NO UR LIL SIB IS IN AWE OF YOUR FASHION POWER AND HAPPY FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE

* I also think Amber would absolutely be proud of how much confidence Blythe has gained through travelling with the protagonist and co. Like "aaa the last time i saw you you were so tiny and shy!" "Yes, now i'm tall and shy!" "NUUUU STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN"

* basically they are absolutely Shyness Fam, and Amber just approaches his anxieties differently with over-the-top fake boasting about his greatness instead of being honest about how bad he feels. So thats why itd be so heartwarming to see him genuinely making progress and genuinely seeing good parts of himself. ALL THANKS TO THE INTERNATIONAL GORGEOUSNESS ASSOCIATION OF THE AFTERLIFE, YES *cheesy makeover ads fly by in the background*

* Dimmy's fave food is rice balls not just cos ninja monster = rice balls, but cos for Blythe specifically it brings back happy memories of backstory ninja Amber in ye olden days packing lunches of love for his tiny friend. He was always broke in between finding bountys to hunt, so he was never able to cook anything too fancy, but those simple meals became associated with childhood in Blythe's heart. All the times this big strong human swordsman would have a moment of gentleness and offer his last bit of food to a useless little yokai like them. ("No!! You're a valued part of the team!! And growing children need this more than i do!! Besides, i'm so tough i don't need to eat." *stands up for a minute and blacks out*)

* Since this backstory took place before thee yokai watch was invented, you cant technically say Amber was Blythe's previous watchholder but like.. He totally was? Same formula of being a human you partner with and then go around fighting/befriending other yokai. I like to think that maybe before yokai medals became the latest trend and they set up the whole official regulated medal registration process, yokai would still give their human friends some sort of token of their friendship but it was just less organised. Like imbuing their soul energy into all sorts of shit like This Leaf I Found or One Shoe. Which could be used in the same way to summon them but obv was less conveinient, haha! I'm thinking maybe Blythe's bond object was just a neat rock, cos they were so young and didnt really own anything else to gift to this human. Like all they had was the coal from the hearth in the house they used to haunt, but thatd be too crumbly so they dug through to find the sturdiest and prettiest rock and Amber was like straigjt up crying from how touched this whole thing made him. I WILL TREASURE THIS PEBBLE MY TINY MONSTER CHILD...

* oh but just to rub salt in the wound i think he couldnt find it again when he woke up floating over his own burned corpse in the wreckage of his final fateful battle. There uhh..wasnt much of himself left, let alone anything he was holding. Itd kinda have to be that way cos if it worked like a yokai medal itd mean Amber could have instantly reunited with his friend and cut out all of these years of sad backstory, alas

* ok but imagine the cute and sweet emotionalness of then being able to swap medals when they see each other again, and have an actual magical guarantee of never losing their family ever again.

* I feel like Amber only initially agreed to join the Gorgeous Association because he wanted to get a job in the yokai world and save up to buy a decent house and decent level of income so that there would be a hapoy home waiting for his child whenever he finally found them. He didnt really believe that he had the potential to be a fashion icon, he just went along with it as an employment opportunity in his weird new ghost life. But OH NO, accidental self confidence!! (We are all very proud of him)

* oh and the Gorgeous Association doesnt work 100% identical to the anime version, i just like the anime's general concept. I feel like Gorgeous Ambassador is indeed a yokai species and not just a title, its less 'you were chosen by random lottery' and more 'you were chosen by destiny'...? Shy people who have potential to be fashion icons just tend to end up becoming the shy-people-with-potential-to-become-fashion-icons yokai, aka this. And the Gorgeous Association takes responsibility for finding all new Gorgeouses and training them to use their new powers instead of just staying in their shyness. Its more of a self help club? Oh and also the membership is full of other types of fashion yokai too, its not just Gorgeous Ambassadors. Just its only Gorgeous Ambassadors that get visited by the president as soon as they die and given a special invitation to join. So basically interpreting Gorgeous Ambassador as more 'this yokai is named that cos its powers are about encouraging people to be more confident aka introducing them to the world of fashion'. And less the idea that all Gorgeous Ambassadors used to be a different type of yokai and you can only become one by being picked by the club lottery. And also that its just a costume with no actual powers?? That was funny in the anime but i prefer if they actually could inspirit people and make them more confident and stuff.

* I FEEL LIKE IM EXPLAINING THIS BADLY, SORRY! Ok so uhh like yknow some clubs are all exclusive entry "you are not this thing til you join"? Like you cant be a country club member til you join the country club, and the sense of comeraderie there is just all being rich enough to pay for membership rather than having anything in common. But then there's stuff like lgbt groups or mental health support groups where youre all already the same thing and thats WHY you join the club. Anime version had Gorgeous Association be a country club and Gorgeous Ambassador be just a membership name rather than a real yokai form. Which, again, was really funny but i feel like it only works in a more gag focused series like the anime. Here i'm interpreting it that you can just be born in the species Gorgeous Ambassador, same as any other yokai like jibanyan or whatever, and it actually does have its own special powers and stuff. And its just that the Gorgeous Association sends out invites to any newborn yokai that have fashion related powers. So not all Gorgeous Ambassadors actually join the Gorgeous Association. Oh and Kageusuo is the actual yokai species name for those unaffiliated ones. The anime seemed to say that kageusuo was an unrelated new yokai that isnt in the games, that was just invented to have a form that Gorgeous Ambassador had before he became Gorgeous Ambassador. But i have Other Ideas

* i'll make it a new bullet point cos im getting all disorganized now aaaa

* ok so Kageusuo (or my fanmade eng dub name Shamshade) is Gorgeous Ambassador. Same thing. Same species. Kageusuo is a yokai personifying the idea of a fashionable beautiful person who never reached their potential in life due to social anxiety/bullying. Like an 'ugly duckling' story. Their default form is this shadowy looking depressed dude because their power is that they drain shadows from people, vampire style. This makes you 'less overshadowed", so you become more confident and people notice your unique style! But kageusuo cant use its powers on itself, so a lot of them stay in this shy form forever and just continue repeating the same overshadowed life they have as a human. The fabulous form that Gorgeous Ambassador has in the games is just simply the same yokai dressing differently- a kageusuo that managed to conquer its anxieties from its past life and take steps to embrace its true self! But theyre not actually any different in terms of powers, theyre still shadow vampires and their power to make people fabulous is just them eating your shadow. It was something they could already do before they became fabulous themself, now theyre just confident enough to match their powers, yknow? And also unrelatedly there's a club called Gorgeous Association that this particular kageusuo joined, which personally helped him in his journey of self confidence so he goes by the nickname Gorgeous Ambassador to advertise it. (Which is even more nicknamed into Amber cos he thinks it sounds cute)

* WHY ARE MY HEADCANONS SO OVERCOMPLICATED AAAaa

* anyway just imagine a vampire movie but its a supermodel lurching out of the shadows groaning "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR ANXIETY" and then when he bites you you become more confident. This is a Good Concept so i will somehow find a way to use it, dammit!! *b movie music* "OH NO THE MONSTER GOT TERRY" *terry suddenly wearing applebottom jeans*

* also imagine all of that but also the dude is a weird samurai being all "wow the wonders of the future" about thos applebottom jeans

* why do all my headcanons start as angst and end up as nonsense like this

[gayminho]

very long and disorganized exordium in newark 170425 fanaccount bich

im mostly doing this so i dont forget anything so its VERY VERY MESSY AND RAMBLING ITS 3:30AM AND I FEEL LIKE DEATH

- we queued starting at 10am and the line was already super long and it started Pouring and then people stampeded to the front for no reason and it was really disorganized and we were delayed for another half hour in the fucking freezing cold rain PLUS wind bc of a Technical Issue so 0/10 for my music taste tbh find a different promoter

- we got right side of the stage extension 

- i IMMEDIATELY cried when we got inside like full on sobbing bc it was a long-ass miserable day literally the worst queueing experience of my life and i was going to see Exo

- EXO?!?????!?!?!?

- ok first during all the vcrs and video things everybody screamed really loudly for yixing whenever he showed up :o) which was really sweet and i miss him

- and exo look like...... exactly how they look in pictures and videos which is SCARY LIKE THEY ARE LITERALLY THAT PERFECT i couldnt believe it for a while

- minseok is................. Very Beautiful like god.... he is my Mother. and super cute and enthusiastic and he was near us for a lot of the time so i went apeshit 10/10

- suho god i rag on him a lot but he really tries his best he tried to do all his ments in english and did a great job and was being an embarrassing dad as always like telling us to be careful (so my sister and i yelled THANKS DAD) and he mentioned birdman being his favorite movie which is just. Dad

- baekhyun i didnt pay attention to very much lol but he was loud and energetic like always AND he tried to do the water bottle flipping thing a couple times and we were yelling BAEKHYUN STOP

- jongdae UMMMMM pictures dont do him justice like he is... rly surprisingly handsome in person lol and he was glowing... and kept yelling obv but yeah wow i love him 

- chanyeol i swear to fucking god WHAT DO I EVEN SAY HE IS A FUCKING DOOFUS AND I LOVE HIM THANKS and i saw way too much of his arm... like pls..... i am a simple man........ and he was being dumb rolling around on the floor and pretending to throw his cap into the audience and playing “bowling” with water bottles but i love him 😖💖😖💖😖💖

- kyungsoo.... is very round and peachy looking in person its kind of startling but hes cute and talked about how he fucking went to moma and saw sleep no more on his day off like what kinda art hoe... and said he hasnt gotten much sleep bc he’s jetlagged but he seemed to be joking around with the other members and did that heart smile a lot which was nice to see 

- as always i worried about jongin he was bent over tired during a ment and talked about getting medicine the previous day but said “american pharmacies are very big. cvs. the pills are big too. hard to swallow” and mentioned getting pizza and shoes also 

- sehun i didnt pay much attention to either but he did pick up 2 vivi plushes towards the end so there was that

- just in general they are all glowing so dont believe the whitewashing fansites 😤

- and suho mentioned they’ve “prepared” a new album and want to come back next time with their new songs so NBSCNND

- the fucking chansoo. ok. kyungsoo forgetting to give his mic to chanyeol during love love love and smiling at him it was so.. tender... and i couldnt see the part where chanyeol gave him a ring but CHANSOO ENGAGED CONFIRMED 

- and then the xiuchen like Um. i knew that party vcr was coming but i still lost my shit when jongdae fed minseok... and they came over to our side during girl x friend and jongdae touched minseoks lower back and i died and went to heaven so... 

- songwise they cut some stuff out though im not sure if it was because of stage or time restrictions... but they hit us with white noise playboy and artificial love all in a row which are some of my all time favorite exo songs so i died again

- even though they seemed tired they are Good live... kings

- idk what else to say im tired i can add to this later probably but wow yeah i cried again right after it ended........ my life peaked tbh

- i love exo what the fuck

- sorry if u were in line and i didnt get to say hi to u god it was crazy i didnt want to leave my spot :(

- ASK ME ANYTHING I GUESS LOL advice or just random stuff idk

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all