#i feel like this episode might bring up some harsh memories from s1

[transingthoseformers]

oh twitch

Ohhhh twitch oh no

[lovecanbesostrange]

There was no reason for Station 19 to go that hard on all fronts, but wow they did. I honestly watched S1+2 mostly out of habit, but S3 was like cleaning house, setting everybody up as a character with their personal flashback gave them far more layers and now I truly care. Thanks. Well, and then Grey’s happened and I cried for like half the episode...........

Maya and Jack have definitely profitted the most from the shift in tone and the character development overhaul. And I liked both their storylines. Maya dealing with all that crap from her father and coming to terms with why she maybe isn’t 100% ready for this very steady relationship and sharing all her emotions was great. Can she tell Carina everything she told Andy? In almost exactly this way, please? Because being afraid of slipping and finding these moments and naming what she has trouble with adjusting to - that is all good. And Carina is one of the most compassionate and patient people (from the limited scenes we have had with her over the years). Dear Maya, if you communicate, she will be there for you.

And wow, Carina than talking about her home and her own fears. Magnificent. Early days of covid? All the horrible, horrible news from Italy come to mind. So thanks writers for building that international bridge. (I wonder how any Italian tv shows that will incorporate the pandemic will deal with this. Every country has their very unique story in this.)

Of course we will see nice side characters getting covid and probably die. Gonna keep my fingers crossed for Marsha nonetheless. Jack having this make-shift family did wonders for his character and I don’t want him to take a blow. It’s a found family on the side, not bound by trade and I like it. I love that thanks to Marcus the masks with plastic windows were mentioned (even tying back to Dr. Riley’s visit to Grey-Sloan. Good job.

Well, Miller and Sullivan. That all happened. And I am exactly 0% qualified to discuss the issues raised. I do empathise with Sullivan a bit more (not that I dismiss Miller’s points, because like Sullivan and Warren say, he is right). Because I absolutely hate this thing were being part of a (minority) group makes you the spokesperson and you get judged far more harshly. And then also taking in-group crap about it. Yes, it is how the world is. But it’s unfair. (And tbh luckily Sullivan hurt mostly himself and he did stand up and face any consequence coming his way. And yes, he was the kind of person to always tell everybody else to better not make mistakes *blablabla* and look, he fell down that high horse... I do think that is something Miller pointed out very rightfully.)

Glad Travis talked to his dad. And I do like the way he did. Just letting him know he knows and leaving that door open. His breakdown about how the church/religion is letting gay people down, while so many sins are just forgiven... damn. Hard to watch. And if just one viewer watching suddenly went like “huh, fucked up”, it was worth it.

Vic is the unsung hero of this episode. I loved how she kept defending that drugged up dude. Yes, he is stupid and it’s horrifying that he stays with his obviously abusive wife, but also keeps drugs around and just... lives like this. But she kept talking about how he didn’t mean to hurt anybody else and that he needed help far more than punishment. Travis and Vic are both good people, but in that situation I think most of us would react more like Travis. Being annoyed, mouthing back and wanting those two shut the fuck up. It’s a normal reaction. What Vic said is the harder choice. And it felt like there was an untold story there.

Okay, wow, much to say about Station 19 for once. But oh boy, Grey’s...........

I remember the “early” episodes we met Bailey’s father. And then we barely talked about her parents. They were somewhere in the background. Until in “(Don’t) Fear the Reaper” we met her mom, got that whole thing with her dead sister and got this picture of her early home life. It was really good. And last week her parents get mentioned again, because hey, elderly people. AND NOW THEY TELL US HER MOM HAD ALZHEIMER’S AND THEN SHE DIED............................................................... it was so fucking heartbreaking start to finish.

And I love all the quiet scenes we got out of this that are just so human. Sad and human. Bailey talking to Meredith, saying she misses her and relating to the whole seeing your mom withering away (so dying twice in a way). I like the use of the beach, because Meredith is semi-conscious, she hears it all, but she just can’t wake up long enough. And then Maggie and Bailey on that bench.

Two people sitting on a bench, talking. Nothing special happens. They don’t need to distract by having them in a busy hallway or somethng. It’s a whole ass conversation with no shorthand. Showing all the emotions. Having Maggie go back to that time her mother died and how she views it all in a different light now. Talking about dying with dignity. Chandra Wilson was so good in this scene. (Her best performance to me will probably always be when Charles died in front of those elevators, I can cry just thinking about that.) And she was allowed such a variety of feelings. And the pain of it all brings up joyful memories. Thanks so much for that hilarity that her scholarship came from the fucking Daughters of the Revolution. HA!

I don’t get people who still watch Grey’s and the relationship drama is the thing they care most about. This is what I’m here for first - the personal lives and relating to all these emotions (and also the mistakes and the way to do better next time).

Well, at least Tom got better quick, I guess. Nice way to give Amelia a reason to get to work for a day and thus have her confronting Teddy. Look, I am done with storylines involving cheating and all. Teddy as a character is often hard to like. But the way she is isolated and like the most contact she has is with DeLuca when he updates her on Meredith’s vitals... it’s harsh. And I liked that Amelia can talk to her without making her feel more terrible. And then I did like Teddy talking to Tom, who was his charming self in the end. Bonuspoints for mentioning that the kids are with Owen’s mom. And hey, I give this to Owen, I believe this must be hard for him, because being a dad is the biggest deal for him. Actually something to make him more likeable - if handled correctly - and this situation sucks for him as well.

Which brings me to Link. Who was left at the Grey home. With Zola, Bailey, Ellis and Scout. Wow. Who would have thought? Amelia’s pregnancy was a good thing, I guess, to give them the excuse of baby time and also Link sorta moving in to deal with all the kids. (Shipping all of them off to their own living Grandma isn’t an option. lol ) Link is a good dude. So please, okay, it was news to him, no need to hate on Tom, push through the irritation, Link! Ahahahahaha.

Jackson being so nervous about his mom being a bit too proud to always keep her mask on - wonderful. Sure, she’s a doctor, she’s also stubborn and he was so scared of losing her not that long ago. Family drama everywhere! I always like seeing Jackson and Webber together. And then they had another big talk, hammering home the fact that people are affected differently. That it’s worse for poor people and not by accident, but systemic problems, most of them are PoCs. So many black and brown patients dying left and right, and it’s clear where the problem starts... I do believe for some viewers this is actually news, because the “news media” they consume won’t talk about that.

So, well, and then there is the Jo of it all. OMG where do I even start? Now, first off, Levi and Jo living together is still hilarious and thanks so much for getting two scenes at the loft. Especially that first one with Levi pretty much pushing her out of bed. Now, I do want Levi to talk to his mom, I desperately need to know how things are. I’m sure the pandemic has shed some new light on what’s important. Second I’m also glad Levi is with Jo, so she is not alone, which makes it harder for her to fall into really bad habits and down that depression hole.

I kinda freaked out seeing Val again and was sure she’s gonna die (might still happen aaaaah). They have a tendency to kill the nice ladies. Still haven’t forgiven Grey’s for killing CeCe. So it was cool that the surgery was a success and wow, did I love when Jo sent Levi out to just listen to Val and connect. And then the baby delivery happened and....... what is going on? Jo even just casually thinking about switching specialties? TO OB?????????? WHAT?????? Dear writers, you dropped the ball on her entire medical journey so often, giving her a bonkers fellowship, having her residency take way too long and shoving her into general, because oops no mentor or anything. And now you give me this? Please, so this is how I would accept this as a set-up for an actual carthartic moment:

Let Jo stalk Carina, play out this thought “what if this thing that made me happy for a day is the thing I am supposed to do longer”. And then let her have joyous moments, but also something complicated, and finally a very distressed woman in labor. And Jo feels for the woman, is compassionate and all and when the baby is there, the woman struggles to connect. And this joyous second is withheld from Jo. And boom, full circle, this woman feels like shit for not loving that baby instantly, for the feeling of resentment and being out of her mind. And finally Jo can forvige Vicki. And that’s the end of that particular journey.

I mean we all pretend that we have forgotten that time Jo stole a baby, right? Because that was the S16 hiatus and there was a storyline set in motion that blew up with Justin leaving like that. And we have had Jo interacting with babies and new moms so often over the course of the show. While also staiting that Jo’s self-worth is tied to being in an OR, which is also her safe space. So this whole thing...

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Addison was the attending OB/GYN once upon a time. (”I’m being stalked by pregnant women!” “You are an obstetrician.”) She was also a fetal surgeon, which was what Arizona eventually became. So it’s not like when Meredith wore pink scrubs for a few weeks and got made fun of. There could be a long interesting road that eventually does include  surgeries. But it’s just so....... dumb. In a way. Especially with Jo having so many issues. And the writers - who give out pregnancies and babies like halloween candy - constantly skipping a potential Jolex-as-parents-storyline.... which kinda bites them in the ass now. ugh F R U S T R A T I O N......... I could write a five page essay just about Jo so far this season, I’m sorry. (Also if I ever have to see Jo in pink scrubs, a part of my brain will explode thinking back to Jason for sure.............)

Oh, and then there was Ben Warren. Just existing. Being a good man. Thanks. :3

[hawthornewhisperer]

Emotional Reticence and Role Swapping: Clarke and Bellamy in 505

I have so, so many bellarke related thoughts from last night’s episode, which was a delightful and sincerely appreciated surprise, but what I really want to talk about is Clarke’s reticence to opening up to Bellamy.

Before I get started, however, a disclaimer: this is gonna talk about E.cho and be.cho and yes, I am bellarke af BUT I also genuinely enjoy the be.cho dynamic and the complications that will bring.  So that means by continuing to read this, you’re making a deal with me: I will not try to make you ship be.cho and you, in turn, will keep all “wow I hate that bitch” comments off my post, up to and including the “I really dislike be.cho but I actually liked this!” type comments because honestly, I do not need to know you dislike be.cho. Comments like that majorly bum me out, even if you think you’re being positive and respectful. And if you think this disclaimer is overly dramatic: you’re right, it is! But please take a look at any post and/or ficlet I have written for s5 that includes a mention of be.cho because right now, 90% of them have SOME FORM of I-hate-echo-itis in the comments anyway and I promise you, I’m just as tired of having to make these disclaimers as you are of reading them.

But back to Clarke and her feelings.  Something that has stood out to me in 504 and 505 is how quiet Clarke is.  She’s never been the loudest or most talkative of the characters, but she’s usually fairly communicative, especially with Bellamy.  In fact, she’s usually the one prodding him to reveal his feelings, as in 108/313/406, where she’s basically like “I can tell you’re having emotions now, want to process them with me?” and Bellamy is like “no honestly I’d rather just be alone in my sadness, thank you, also here’s everything that has been bothering me since childhood.” 

Except now, that dynamic is almost completely reversed: Bellamy is the one pressing Clarke for more details on her emotional state and she’s the one withholding.  The difference is, of course, Bellamy of seasons 1-4 generally caved and bared his entire bleeding, aching soul to Clarke after .05 seconds of patient silence from her, whereas Clarke-- who has always been a little bit more guarded in her emotions-- has more practice at Conceal Don’t Feel-ing her way through life. 

In 504, after their reunion in the holding cell, Clarke actually says *nothing* to Bellamy for the rest of the episode, and what she does say to him in 505 is very restrained. And when she does open up to him in the head and heart conversation, it’s not about herself, it’s about him.  I think once Clarke got over her initial disbelief that Bellamy was really there, she started mentally cataloguing the changes she noticed in him.  There’s the beard, obviously, but there’s also the general softness he’s let come to the surface.  Clarke knew that gentleness existed, but Bellamy usually tried to hide it from everyone else and now he’s not even bothering.  He’s also far more strategic, but notably Clarke only seems to recognize that by saving her life he saved Madi’s, which is a very Season One Bellamy thing to do in terms of My Life Doesn’t Matter, Only My Sort Of Daughter’s Does.

Now, I’m not sure Bellamy has noticed how different Clarke is yet.  He’s always been incredibly emotionally intelligent, but I honestly think that the shock of finding out she’s alive has blinded him to noticing that she’s changed.  Clarke spent six years talking to a static, imaginary version of Bellamy with the assumption that he would one day return to her, but Bellamy has spent six years mourning a very-real-but-still-static version of Clarke.  Clarke probably knew he would come back a little different, so now she’s busy ascertaining just how different he is, whereas Bellamy is still processing the fact that she’s even there.

So now let’s talk about their little campfire chat in 505.  It actually mostly reminds me of the beach scene in 406, in that in 406, Clarke is recognizing that what Bellamy has been dealing with with Octavia is really emotionally challenging and she’s reminding him that he’s special and she cares about him.  Bellamy’s reaction is typical s1-4 Bellamy, which is to basically be like “lol whatever I’m garbage and I really wish you wouldn’t be so nice to me I’m literally gonna have to be on a different planet from you to process that kthnxbai.”  But in 505, Bellamy is the one pointing out that what Clarke went through in the six years they were apart was really emotionally challenging, and he expresses his admiration for her, and she just...shuts him down.

And Clarke is not one to shirk credit for her accomplishments.  This is “you may be the chancellor but I’m in charge” Clarke Motherfucking Griffin here.  She doesn’t do the “aw shucks” thing-- she knows she’s a fucking badass and she owns it.  So when Bellamy says “surviving alone is impressive,” it’s notable that she immediately shoots him down.  On the surface of it, what Bellamy says isn’t particularly emotional-- it’s just a statement, saying “damn you’re a badass.”  But it’s also more than that, because Bellamy doesn’t just say it.  His voice gets deeper and softer, and he’s deliberately changing the subject from what Clarke wants to talk about-- other people-- to what was, quite frankly, a really challenging time for Clarke.

Clarke doesn’t regret staying behind, of course. It got her friends to safety and it allowed her to find Madi, and Madi is basically her whole world at this point.  But it was still incredibly hard.  Clarke was suicidal before she found Eden, and even once she had Madi being the new mother of a semi-feral murder child at age 20 is not exactly easy.

And how she got through it is actually very simple: she had Bellamy.  She talked to him every goddamn day for six fucking years, because the memory of who he was-- and who he was to her-- kept her sane.  Remember, she said “doing this keeps me sane” shortly before Eligius lands, not in her intial batch of radio calls in the months after they leave.  Because she still needs him, even when she’s no longer alone.

But then Bellamy comes back, and he’s different.  And now she’s probably feeling a little vulnerable and exposed and maybe even a little foolish because she structured so much of herself around who he was that adapting to who he is is making her uncomfortable.  So when he says “wow, you’re really impressive” Clarke immediately bails on that conversation, like

She cannot get out of there fast enough, and then the next time there’s a chance for a soft, intimate conversation, she immediately steers the topic to Bellamy by noting how he’s changed.  I think that was also Clarke’s way of trying to feel out this New And Emotionally Healthy Bellamy to try and figure out if it’s a permanent change or just a temporary one.

But (and here’s where we get to the be.cho so please, refer to the disclaimer at the beginning before you say anything) I don’t think Clarke really grasped how deeply he had changed until she saw him kissing E.cho.  Now, I don’t think Clarke actually bears E.cho any ill will per se-- I don’t think she liked her very much, but I also don’t think she really gave E.cho much thought one way or another.  Clarke wasn’t in Mount Weather with Bellamy in s2, and she completely missed the entire Mount Weather Goes Boom set up because she was acting as bait in Polis.  Yeah, E.cho held a sword to her throat in 401 but at this point, who HASN’T held Clarke at knifepoint?  Both Murphy and Roan have, and she got over that pretty fast.

So Clarke doesn’t really have any serious animosity towards E.cho, but she does know that when Bellamy left, he didn’t want E.cho to come with them.  He expressed his doubts about her coming along in one of their last conversations (a conversation Clarke clearly remembers very vividly) and now he’s running across a desert to kiss her because he’s so glad she’s safe.  It’s not a betrayal to Clarke (because even if Clarke has realized she has feelings for Bellamy: Romantic Stylez she knows he’s likely unaware of them); it’s a revelation.  Bellamy really, truly has changed, and I think when she sees him kiss E.cho, she’s probably secretly a little relieved she didn’t bare her soul to him about the radio because that would have meant admitting Heart-and-Pants Feelings to someone who didn’t necessarily return them, and Heart-and-Pants Feelings are the one feeling Clarke has historically struggled with.  (Bellamy, on the other hand, has struggled with all feelings except Heart-and-Pants feelings, because while he might not have acted on his feelings for Clarke before he was certainly well aware of them.) 

 I think she’ll take it as proof that the Bellamy who came back to her is not the Bellamy who left (and I do think that’s an accurate assessment on her part), but I also think she’ll take it as confirmation that whatever they had was in the past, and that is clearly not true.  Everything in Bellamy’s demeanor towards her-- you saved us, surviving alone couldn’t have been easy, I thought about you in every decision I made in the last six years-- speaks of someone who is still deeply in love with her and only just realizing that what he thought was dead and buried is alive and well and quite possibly in love with him too.  I think it will lead to more emotionally reticent!Clarke and more emotionally open!Bellamy, and I think this episode was really about setting up the reveals that will come more than anything else.

So in conclusion: Clarke is being very earlier seasons!Bellamy about her feelings at the moment, Bellamy is being very earlier seasons!Clarke about his feelings, and I think they’re on a collision course with be.cho that’s gonna bring pain, tears, and so much delicious angst I cannot WAIT.

Author’s Note 2.0: I’m really not kidding.  I’m fine with you not liking E.cho or be.cho, but please do not tell me you dislike her or their relationship in any way. It harshes my buzz in what is otherwise such a delightful season.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Owarimonogatari Season 2 [Ougi Dark]

Yet again, this took longer than expected, lol. For some reason I’ve been a bit intimidated by how long this might take to watch and write about, even though it’s only three episodes long. But I’m still genuinely excited to see how it goes.

It’ll probably be another few weeks or so before I have time to get back into rewatching the earlier parts of the franchise, but I’ll try and get back into that sooner rather than later.

Thoughts under the cut

PART ONE:

Ooh boy that was a whole lot of talking. Not that that’s anything rare for this series, but it’s almost draining to get through a lot of plot-important exposition all at once. I’m not entirely sure I got all of it, but I think I did.

Starting from the beginning, I thought there was meant to be a recap of sorts called Araragi’s Story, but I guess whoever subbed this didn’t bother with it and cut it out? That sucks. But it probably wasn’t anything super important.

The beginning narration scene by Araragi was really nice, and helped set the mood for this being the final part of the story. Well, final part of the main story, at least. After this we still have Zoku-Owari, Off Season, and Monster Season to adapt, not to mention anything that comes out after that. But you get what I mean.

The OP was nice, but not quite as good as I was hoping for. I think I prefer the Ougi Formula OP over it. I might like it more once the arc’s done, though, since there’s a whole lot of symbolism that’d probably feel more effective with the full context of this arc. Also, it’s still kinda interesting to me how Ougi’s VA’s singing voice sounds really different to her Ougi voice. I’d be hard-pressed to realize that it was the same VA if I didn’t know it was.

I knew that this arc would start with a whole lot of talking as everyone basically recaps the current situation and their motives and plans, but damn that was still a whole lot of talking in not a long period of time. Wow.

A lot of people seem to dislike Gaen, probably because she tends to exist for the sake of giving lengthy exposition like this, but I like her. Something about her whole character just appeals to me, and I like listening to her talk. Her whole casual punk outfit and her smartphone obsession and whatnot are a really interesting contrast with what sort of a character she is, and what purpose she serves in the story. I also love how half the time when she talks, the sky turns rainbow-coloured. In general I love her rainbow theme.

It’s really cool seeing Shinobu in her complete form. You don’t exactly see it often. I kinda forgot that she’s actually really tall. Her playing around with Yotsugi to ���get back at her’ for all the insults was surprisingly cute.

I should have figured that we’d get more talks about the shrine and the lake and whatnot since that’s been built up for the last two arcs pretty heavily. And, well, a large part of the entire story, really. It’s nice to get one big recap about the main points on it, even if it was kinda hard to keep track of. But I get it. I’m pretty sure it had already been said before, but I kinda forgot that it was Shinobu who destroyed the shrine at the lake originally, so that actually helps make things click more in my head.

It makes sense that they’re deciding to enshrine Hachikuji as the new shrine god to keep her around in the real world, and to help restore balance more. I probably should have seen that as a possibility. Although I can’t exactly blame myself for not getting all of the stuff to do with slugs and snails. That came a bit out of left field.

I knew that Ougi wasn’t exactly the Darkness, but it’s interesting to hear that she’s still trying to ‘perform the same role as the Darkness’. Well, that’s exactly what she’s been doing this whole time, but still.

I’m PRETTY sure I’ve been told what her true identity is, but I won’t bring it up until it’s explicitly stated. Though with the ‘reveal’ at the end of this part, of Ougi being an apparition, I feel like it’s pretty obvious. But even from before this arc it was fairly obvious. I mean, it was always clear that she wasn’t human. She was always too immediately alien, too inhuman, too strange to not be an apparition of some kind. And the fact that she clearly has some ability to mess with people’s thoughts and memories. And that one time in Ougi Formula where she, like, slithered through the air around Araragi’s head. You get what I mean. And at that point it’s not TOO difficult to guess at her ‘origin’. But the whole Darkness thing does kinda throw things off and make it more unclear. At least before it gets shot down.

The weird thing about this arc is that we know in advance that Ougi’s not going to die. Since she shows up in Hana, which obviously takes place after this arc. So that kinda spoils the fact that things aren’t going to go Gaen’s way. But obviously if Nisioisin allowed us to know that in advance, then it’s not going to be much of a big deal in the end. It does make me pretty curious to see how this arc will actually end, though.

PART TWO:

And so the truth comes out! As I suspected. Or, well, as I was spoiled. But even without being spoiled on it, the truth is pretty to guess.

Before I get into talking about all that, I first want to say that I’m so, so happy we got a section with Nadeko. Seeing her again like this is so great. I’m so proud of her. I love that she’s pursuing what she wants to do. She’s obviously grown a lot as a person, which is immediately visible through the fact that she cut her fringe short, since that was always the shield she used to avoid confrontation. I also kinda like how ‘not cute’ she looks in her outfit there. It feels like she’s accepted that she doesn’t have to stick rigidly to ‘being cute’ at all times, and can just be herself. 

The whole section with Ougi and Tsukihi was pretty interesting, and kinda melancholic. I wasn’t really expecting Ougi to be thrown off by Tsukihi’s attitude that much. I’m still not fully sure what to make of Tsukihi as a character. She and Karen just sorta feel  . . . not super fleshed out. Maybe it’s just been too long since I watched Nise. But I still liked their conversation. And it also makes more sense when you get to the end of this episode and get told that she was seeking out Tsukihi because of Araragi’s feelings of guilt and uncertainty about if it’s right for Tsukihi to keep living the way she is.

Getting back more to the start of the episode, I liked the whole explanation about how since Ougi’s entire existence is ‘a lie’, since she’s specifically an ‘impersonation’ of the Darkness, then she herself would become a target of the Darkness once her true identity is revealed, and her identity as ‘a lie’ is upturned. It fits the internal logic of the series. I also really liked the visuals and direction of that specific scene. Especially the part that looked a little like that part in Shinobu Time where it has the side-scrolling painting.

Also I kinda had to laugh at the goddamn ‘fan’ pun. Wow. That was kinda . . . on the nose. I forget if it had actually been established that Ougi was introduced to Araragi as a fan of Kanbaru’s, but it makes a lot of sense now that we know her existence is heavily tied with the Rainy Devil and that whole scenario. So I guess this also helps contextualize the fact that we saw Ougi talk with Kanbaru in Hana.

The fact that Ougi was an apparition created by Araragi was something I knew in advance, maybe since before I even saw Owari S1, but I didn’t know the exact specifics of it, so the fact that she’s literally the representation of how harsh Araragi is on himself was a bit of a surprise. It makes sense, though. I kinda want to get the timeline straight on this one, to remember when exactly Ougi entered the scene. I know that we more or less first saw her in Nadeko Medusa, but we know now that the entire first half of Owari S1 happened directly before that, and I think that’s when Ougi was first introduced, chronologically. I’m not sure, though.

I really like this reveal. At least since it really ties the whole story together, and contextualizes the place Araragi himself has in the story, on both a practical and thematic level. Considering how big of a narrative point his self-loathing and indecision has been, it works really well that Ougi is literally the living representation of that. And the fact that she exists for that purpose helps explain her motives for doing what she does. That is, since Araragi deep down thinks that he’s continually doing the wrong thing, that he’s over-stepping his bounds, that he’s upsetting the natural order of things. I wonder if this also implies that he knew subconsciously that the help he tried to provide for Nadeko in the Snake arc wasn’t really fully beneficial in the end, and that he never really understood her to begin with, and was leaving some serious issues unchecked. Considering how Nadeko Medusa as a story arc is basically one giant consequence for Araragi’s poor handling of Nadeko as a person and her issues, it’d be really neat if that arc only existed because of his subconscious doubts about how he acted. It really puts a spin on how self-defeating he is, if something like that literally only happened because he was afraid that he hadn’t truly helped her. For the record, the thing with Hachikuji was related to the actual, real Darkness, right? Even though the story pointed out how he had his own doubts about her general existence.

The fact that the ‘battle’ between Ougi and Araragi is now framed as an act of suicide is pretty morbid, but as I said, this wasn’t going to be a conventional battle. Seeing Ougi openly begging for her life was pretty depressing. It makes sense that she wouldn’t want to simply be killed, especially not by her own creator. Though, as said, we still know that she doesn’t die, so . . . yeah. This also makes Gaen seem even more creepy, with how casually she’s talking about Araragi needing to kill someone that’s for all intents and purposes a part of himself.

This also puts a kinda morbid spin on the fact that this is ‘the end of Araragi’s adolescence’. One way or another, he has to confront this part of him that represents his adolescence, which is also how he described Ougi at the start of the arc. It’s also worth noting how this ties into the ideas this entire season has been setting up. Like how a fair bit of Mayoi Hell was about Araragi having a walk down memory lane and being able to confidently say ‘yes, I would do all of those things again if I had the chance, even if they might have been mistakes’. As time’s gone on, he’s become more and more able to accept his choices and his decisions, and come to terms with himself as an individual. So in a way, he’s already begun moving past the point in his life that Ougi represents. Which is, I think, part of why she’s become more pitiful lately, more vulnerable. I’ll still wait and see how it actually plays out, but I imagine that, since she doesn’t die, Araragi is going to simply end up accepting Ougi as a part of himself that he doesn’t need to kill. I’m not exactly sure how that’d work, and how she’ll be kept safe from the Darkness, but we’ll see.

The way that this whole scenario is being framed as the end of Araragi’s adolescence reminds me a lot of Utena, and how the movie version of that is called The Adolescence of Utena. Though the thing that reminds me more of Utena was that scene of everyone at the park, completely silhouetted as they lean against pillars while talking. That whole scene was 100% Pure Utena, and I loved it.

Also, I forgot to mention it, so I’ll just say here that even though we knew in advance via Hana that Araragi and Shinobu ended up in their pact together, it was still kinda . . . emotional, almost, to see him spell out that he plans to go back to how they were. And of course, Shinobu herself also said that she wants to go back to being a young girl again. There’s something kinda tragic about the way that they got given the perfect chance to end their already tragic relationship, but they both decided to go back to it in the end. In general, the entire dynamic between Araragi and Shinobu is kinda fascinating. It makes me excited to finally watch the Kizu films.

I’m also intrigued by the implication that if Ougi dies, Araragi will easily find Kagenui and Oshino [I think] again, since she was the one tied to their disappearances. I wonder if we’ll see them again by the end of this arc.

Either way, I still kinda feel like the resolution to this arc has been spelled out in advance by Hana, but that’s OK. This might be the end of Araragi’s adolescence, but it’s not the end of the entire story.

I still also kinda wish they could have aired this as a proper TV anime and stuck Zoku-Owari on the end, but in the end I enjoyed being able to binge watch each arc of this, and it would have been slightly weird to get to a big emotional climax and then have 4-5 episodes of what I think is meant to be a silly epilogue story. But still. I hope it doesn’t take Shaft too long to get it out, even though they’ll have their hands full soon.

PART THREE:

OK I gotta admit that even if this ending played out pretty much exactly as I expected, it still hit me really hard and now I’m kinda tearing up. Ugh. This series really knows how to push my buttons at times.

I figured that the ‘battle’ between Ougi and Araragi would end with him accepting her, but I really liked how it played out. The whole scenario of it, with them talking to each other while the Darkness appears as a black hole behind Ougi was pretty intense and emotional. For some reason, something about the focus on the idea of right vs wrong in this entire season sorta confused me on some level, but it kinda clicked at some point as I realized the pretty obvious point that Araragi’s entire deal is that he hates himself, and constantly feels that what he does is wrong, and tries to figure out what’s right. So it makes sense that this is the culmination of this entire arc of his. That he accepts that he, as a person, is right, and that Ougi, as a person, is also right. What he said about how he wasn’t simply ‘saving Ougi’ by pushing her away from the Darkness, but ‘saving himself’, kinda got to me. As he said, this whole time he’s simply spent his time being saved by others, but this was his time to save himself, and in that way he was able to make an ending for his adolescence.

And then Oshino showed up and I kinda had to fanboy for a moment because seriously I’ve been waiting YEARS for this to happen, I’m so happy about it. Seeing him finally say he respects Araragi, and seeing him say that he won’t criticize him because he’s simply saving himself, was pretty fucking great. And of course we got that little moment to show off that Hanekawa is a complete badass who traveled to the fucking South Pole to drag this dude back just in time. It’s still hilarious seeing her get completely surprise Ougi like this.

I really was not expecting this to end with Oshino acknowledging Ougi as being his niece, but it explains why she’s still around. On one level you could call it kinda cheap, but it makes sense that the solution to the problem of ‘the identity Ougi made for herself is a lie’ is to make it so that ‘the identity Ougi made for herself is the truth’. And since the lie was thus cleared up, the Darkness went away. I really like that her own, individual identity as Ougi Oshino was acknowledged in the end. She deserved it.

I also really liked the narration part where Araragi talked about how he had thought that loving others meant not taking care of himself. It pretty much sums up most of how he’s acted in the story thus far, but it also shows how he’s grown, and realized that he has to be able to love himself as a person.

Not gonna lie, I got kinda teary at the scene between him and Shinobu as they talk about how they feel about each other, and their choice to remain together, even if it means going back to that situation of Shinobu being the dregs of a vampire trapped in a shadow, and Araragi not being human and not being vampire. Something about their entire relationship makes me kinda emotional. The way it ended with Shinobu covering them with her bat wings while she presumably bit his neck was really nice, and kinda bittersweet.

I’m kinda surprised we got half of the last episode devoted to the epilogue, but I liked it. It was a nice way to come down from the pretty intense emotions of the first half.

I’m not really gonna comment much on the scene with Karen because uuuuuugh why, but it was nice seeing him tell her that, even though her idea of what’s right is ‘helping others’, she should also figure out how to help herself.

So I guess we now know what the deal with Kagenui is. I’m glad she’s not dead. So it looks like Hanekawa’s going to look for her now. She really has become an adult. Which, in itself, is a really nice thing to see. She hasn’t been a huge part of Owari in general, but I’ve loved seeing Hanekawa grow up and become a confident, independent adult who can accept all of her imperfections.

I liked seeing Hachikuji being the new shrine god. That was a cute scene. Though it kinda ended in an unexpectedly emotional way, with the point about how the shrine is her new home, which I hadn’t really considered, but it’s a really nice way to end her story, since for the entire story thus far she’s basically been homeless.

The part where Hanekawa realizes that Araragi and Senjougahara are on first-name basis, and teases the two about it, was really great. Seeing Senjougahara get flustered about it was cute. As I’ve said, it’s always nice to see her being an awkward, regular person who’s bad at expressing her feelings and gets flustered fairly easily. And then of course they all got on first-name basis with each other, which was really nice.

It was also nice to get that little cameo from Kanbaru delivering flowers. That was nice. I presume it was more or less a reference to the whole meaning of ‘Hana’. Either way, it was heart-warming to see her get a genuine graduation present for him.

I really, really like the fact that the main story ends with Araragi seeing a random girl who’s presumably about to fall down some stairs, and running off to save her, with Senjougahara and Hanekawa happily waving him off. It’s a really nice book-end to the story, and it helps reiterate the point that Araragi would save anyone, and that he doesn’t regret having saved Senjougahara when he did. And now he has people he’s close to who understand and love him for who he is, and know that this is simply the sort of person he is. And of course we got to see Ougi at the end, which was nice. It was a pretty simple line, but I liked the point Araragi made, that he’s changed as a person, but he’ll always be himself. It’s a fitting way to end a story of someone’s adolescence.

And then we got the scene at the end with Shinobu giving a fairy-tale like description of Araragi’s story, saying that in the end they all lived happily ever after, with Araragi thinking to himself that he can hear her telling that story from inside his shadow, and he’s curious to see where the story goes next. That was just a really nice way to end things.

The ED wasn’t anything super special, but it was a nice image to ends things on. It’s kinda cheesy, but it’s always nice to have these sorts of stories end on the note of the characters graduating.

All in all, this was basically the best way the main story could have ended. It wrapped things up really nicely. Seeing Araragi’s whole character arc reach a conclusion like this as he learns to love himself is really great. As I’ve said before, I’ve technically been watching this series for over three years now, so seeing it come to a close, even if it’s just the end of this chapter, is really emotional. Seeing these characters all grow so much as people has been wonderful, even if there’s some really bittersweet elements like Araragi and Shinobu reentering their tragic, dependent relationship.

As much as this series has some serious faults, I still genuinely love it at the end of the day. I hope it doesn’t take me too long to get back into rewatching it, since I still want to slowly get through that.

[scuttleboat]

/and I still believe that I cannot be saved/

aka where my Blakes at in 406

This season has been a pretty intense build for Octavia, and for the Blake siblings, and I think this week we’re finally reaching the crest of her anger storyline. If what happened in Arkadia in 406 wasn’t hitting emotional bottom for Octavia, then it’s definitely going to be in the next two episodes, I think. The only thing I’m still waiting for is the shot of her in warrior garb from the trailer--that hasn’t come yet, so this might still be the step before the bottom. But she was a broken mess at the end of 406, just completely falling apart. All her cool control from Polis is bleeding out of her.

If y’all are anything like me then the medbay scene was a serious gutpunch after the Blake Family Feels at the end of 405, but as painful as it was I think it’s IC with Octavia’s emotional journey this season. Rewind to season 3, and back then we had several episodes of Octavia being very cold towards Bellamy (and at one point violent), alternating with brief flashes of her being worried about him. And when he was in danger we saw her fears come back--because she loves her brother even in her anger. So they were locked into this pattern where Octavia is angry, Bellamy wants to make up, and they both still care. That carried into season 4, but with some much needed distance as they work in different locations.  With the news that the world ends Octavia is getting more and more violent in the goal of helping her people and throwing her rage at the world. Bellamy is still wracked with guilt and wants to reach out to her but he keeps his distance for about 5 episodes.

Then her “death” happens and HOLY FUCK that’s having an impact...but a slower, later-than-expected impact. Cause what happens is this: Bellamy is already beginning to despair when he and Kane are captured. They can only save 100 lives, war is about to begin again, he is Tired(tm). Then for Bellamy...Octavia dies.  And he loses it, just falls apart.  We don’t get to see much of this in the timeline but we do see his collapse.  Then, a day later, Bellamy deduces that Octavia is alive. He’s going through a huge range of feelings, and because of this newfound hope from Octavia being alive, he’s able to put aside his aggression with Echo and talk down Riley, thereby stopping the war. If he still thought Octavia was dead I don’t think he could have given that speech asking Riley to stand down from vengeance.

At the same time, Octavia sees war come back in Polis (as she cynically assumed it would), sees more of her chosen Trikru alies be killed, and she runs off to warn her own people when she is gravely wounded. She has a brush with death on the cliff, and is saved. Only to wake up and have another brush with death when the fire happens. She tries to connect to Ilian, to stop him, but she can’t. She doesn’t have the words, and he is too far gone in his own ignorance and rage to understand what the consequences of his arson will be.  Octavia has seen some dark shit in the last 24 to 48 hours, and she only lived because Ilian used her to infiltrate Arkadia, and later because he decided not to leave her to die in the fire he started. 

That puts us with the emotional, incredible Blake+Griffin reunion in 405. Bellamy sees Octavia in danger and he runs to her. Finally this is a moment where he can support her, he can be there for her again as a big brother. She falls into his arms because she’s a mess and he’s Bellamy, he’s here for her. Clarke comforts her and they all hold each other as their hope for survival burns away.  However, that momentary refuge of family was just that: momentary. In the harsh light of day Octavia’s despair comes back, and she’s angry that she let herself take refuge in Bellamy’s love again. She’s not ready to forgive him, not ready to make up, possibly because loving Bellamy again means moving on from Lincoln, or betraying his memory. For Octavia, the way to keep Lincoln alive is to hold onto her anger. If she lets go of her anger towards Bellamy, she thinks she’s letting go of Lincoln or accepting the affection of someone who caused him harm.

So she doesn’t just go back to being visibly angry at Bellamy--she doubles down hard. After all, she let herself love and be loved for a minute, so the only way to push Bellamy away now is to lash out. She backpedals x1000. She speaks to him like he killed Lincoln personally (which she knows is not true), and Octavia tells him that he’d be dead if they weren’t siblings. She hasn’t spoken to Bellamy this harshly since 313--because she felt herself slipping closer to him again and her only solution to that is to push him away as strongly as possible. 

This lands badly on Bellamy, because from his POV they were almost making progress: he was giving her distance, and when she almost died (a situation that would normally bring people closer together to appreciate each other) she leaned on him and let him protect her. For him, this seemed to be progress, so the fact that she not only rejects him in 406 but rejects him in a way that she hasn’t since 313... it’s terrible. He just thought she was dead and that they were reconnecting. He needs this connection from her right now because he’s starting to lose hope. It’s becoming clear to me that part of Bellamy’s hope and will to survive is wrapped up in his relationship with his sister. By rejecting him like this, Octavia is removing one of his reasons to keep fighting. She’s inadvertantly driving him closer to the despair he was feeling in 404 (that has been building since s3.)

This is the terrible tragedy of their relationship state, because Bellamy needs his sister to be part of his life, and as we saw in 406 he acutely feels that they’re running out of time. He’s been pushing for reconciliation since the split happened, even when she most needed to be given time...but now that time is not available, he’s at his wits end. If he gives up on her, on their relationship, then what? Is he giving up on everything? On hope itself? It feels like this huge weight he can’t resolve.  

What Clarke says at the end of 406 is noteworthy I think because it pinpoints this same problem: Octavia needs time. In a normal life, even their lives on the Ark or if they had lived on the ground... getting over the death of a loved one takes years. Months to even start. And if a loved one’s death causes a rift between family members, that rift can take years to be reconciled.  It’s not normal for Octavia to be okay with all this yet. Even her diving into violence is a way of sublimating her feelings and that’s something she needs to work through before she can reconnect with Bellamy or her other friends. 

But there is no time.  Bellamy knows it, and so he “keeps going back for more” because he doesn’t see himself as having any other option. Leaving her alone when the world is ending is not a tolerable option, so he has to try. And yet for Octavia, the end of the world is not enough of a reason to let go of her anger or to forgive. She’s still living in her grief, her anger, her depression. It’s been, what, three weeks since Lincoln died?  This reconiciliation process takes regular people months to years. Bellamy wanting it to happen now isn’t going to just change Octavia’s emotional state.  That’s the conflict they have this season.

I know this has been long, but I’m now at the end of episode 406. Bellamy, who is having emotional whiplash after like 36 hours of thinking O is dead, holding her again in his arms, and then being rejected by her... he is feeling time like a train bearing down. I think the combination of this loss>hope>loss thing is doing a silent number on Bellamy, and he’s gonna crack soon. He’s going to lose hope in some fashion. He already has begun taking stock of his relationships, by trying to tell Clarke a final goodbye when they part--something they’ve never done before, that she refuses to hear.  If Bellamy thinks they’re in a world where death is inescapable, war is constant, he can’t save the people he loves, and Octavia will not decide to love him again before the big wave comes... he’s going to lose his tether.  Despair is coming.

Octavia, meanwhile, has a powerful reaction to Arkadia being burned. She turns off part of herself, and gives in completely to the same callouness and lack of compassion that Jasper has been exhibiting for several episodes now. Sure, let the mob kill Ilian--that’s what happens to people who hurt others, right? They get hurt in return.  And more than that, Octavia wants to take the kill shot because this person stripped way the last illusion of home or hope that she had. He’s as good as killed all of them, which makes him a clear target for the anger that she is floundering to control.  But when that moment comes (ugh that graphic overlay of the gunshot death was gratuitous and unnecessary), Kane reminds her of Lincoln, and she breaks.  She completely falls apart, unable to reconcile her anger with her actions with her notions of right and wrong.  So in the tradition of broken and traumatized young people on this show, Octavia runs away. Anything to escape that moment, her own self-awareness and the capacity for darkness inside her. (like Clarke in s2, Bellamy in s1, Jasper in s3, etc.)

My guess is that she and Ilian have some kind of encounter in the woods next episode, or that she finds the remaining Trikru joins them to try to fight off Azgeda attacks. Octavia’s last defense against facing her collapsed world is to hide in a war that isn’t hers, to become a vessel for violence. But now without the facade of control she had in 402-403.  What I’m waiting for is to see how she comes out of that, and what is the state Bellamy is in when she does. I think he’s gonna be falling into his own sadness this season, and that will have consequences for him even if he and Octavia reconcile.  Because even if Octavia forgives him, that will not fix Bellamy’s problems. Not his guilt or his despair or his fears that he cannot protect their people. Likewise, Bellamy’s hope and attention cannot fix Octavia--not her rage, not her grief, not her self-loathing. I think he realizes this, but he’s also incapable of letting her go when the world is about to end.

What they both need is time... and time is the one thing they don’t have.