#i feel like there are two talas in my head i mean this so literally like

[talagirl]

there is a disease in me

[t0ast-ghost]

Season four of the boys is hitting my brain like a crowbar so I’ve got a couple more thoughts about the new episode

There’s gonna be spoilers for the episode, a bit of talk about the comics, and some only slightly bloody images, so be wary, be warned!

These are my thoughts during the first watch:

- When Butcher hit his head I actively gasped. My poor babygirl.

- I do like how they’ve made Becca meaner but essentially still her

- Frenchie. Break up with him.

- I’m glad Annie has more plot and scenes this season. I’m also glad that Firecracker is actually fucking with her. Their foundation is messy but the actual rivalry is coming together quite nicely

- “I had nightmares about that exact moment, and you can’t even remember it. It’s funny, isn’t it, how people can have such different memory of the exact same thing.” Oh my god this is such a good line. Like obviously not to the extremes of Homelander but kids can and will retain things that their parents won’t even remember. They make some parts of his character easy to understand because you can see that his actions are always impulsive and unhealthy and created by the ways he was raised and the environment he’s been surrounded by

- Okay that death was so so well done. It’s so emotional for Homelander because he’s seeing how people aren’t honest or caring until he’s threatening them. I can’t even try and decipher the “I forgive you” line because it’s so full of apathy

- Hughie and Kimiko teaming up is so special to me. I need more of them.

- HUGHIE GETTING V FOR HIS DAD??? CONFRONTING A TRAIN??? Discuss??? (There’s more thoughts later)

- Hughie saying that him and A-Train would be “good” if A-Train got the v for him is so heavy. It felt like Hughie trading Robin’s life for his dads. Or for his future? Like in order to move on he has to let go of Robin and that feels so awful

- I wanna state how easily and quickly they made me uncomfortable with Firecracker and The Deep singing. How is that so unreasonably uncomfortable?

- So uh. Yeah I’m not sure I wanna touch that scene…

- THEY PUT HUGHIE IN A SCREAM CHASE SCENE

- I literally screamed when Hughie killed him omg. This is what I’m here for omg omg my babygirl

(Here’s a behind the scenes stunt video on insta)

- Tala is so fair for that but when is she gonna become apart of the boys family?

- I think Annie is going to blow up. Like I think she will do something really bad.

- YEA BEAT HER UP ANNIE… okay maybe not the best decision but…

- WHAT THE FUCK

- Fun fact Homelander’s birth that Barbara describes is how Becca dies in the comics

- UM UM UM UM UM so uhhhhhh I suspected that Sage needed to give herself lobotomies for that reason (wish I said smt goddamnit) but I was not ready for a scene depicting a lobotomy that also implied it was like sex to her?

- Kimiko and Annie hug <333

- Hughie forgave him… now kiss

- “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hating anybody” YESS that’s what this is about!!! How fucking contrasting Hughie and Butchers views are on the subject of revenge and superheroes. Their situations are so very different from the comics and I like that both of them are (somewhat) healing. Hughie’s forgiven A-Train and Butcher is just trying to get Ryan safe. It’s less about killing for both of them in the show which I love

- I paused to write that before the “there’s enough here to save you too” OH MY GOD NO. No no. Nonononono. No.

- Hughie’s face when getting coffee? Mwah! Give him little kiss

- HIS MOM. KNOWS. ABOUT. V!!?? I mean. They couldn’t kill off Simon Pegg. He’s Simon Pegg! Just kidding I totally thought he was going to die. I wonder if they’ll give him the same kind of quandary Hughie originally got in the comics when Butcher forcefully injected him with V

- Perfect ending for Homelander’s visit home.

Interlude:

So I haven’t started the rewatch yet but two things about some characters of the last three episodes that actually didn’t make an appearance in this one.

First off I don’t think I mentioned this in my last post but I really like what they’ve done with Noir. It’s an interesting and corporate way to bring back the character that makes a lot of sense in universe

Secondly there’s a theory I wanted to bring to people’s attention. This video on instagram has the theory that Kessler is like Becca and isn’t actually real. Which I think is really neat. I’ll take it either way but it would make a lot of sense if he wasn’t since he seems to hold a lot of negative traits that Butcher used to have and is trying to grow from

Okay I lied, third thing cause it just got brought to my attention again; everyone who is making fun of Laz Alonso shut the fuck up. Thank you. I won’t be taking criticism on this.

Onto the rewatch:

- The first shot is of different variations of Homelander’s costume. Pretty cool!

- Second shot has two pictures of Frank and Martin working in the lab with Frank’s picture framed by a newspaper thats article makes no sense but has a lot of key words and phrases (could just be gibberish idk) the title on a separate article from the same newspaper can be read as “Drama class wins award” other than that there’s also some kind of document that’s the same kind of gibberish but it caught my eye cause it says “-orthward gay” … not sure what this means…

Camera then pans down to reveal a memo and news clipping. The memo is from Barbara to the staff and talks about how anyone who breaks the confidentiality of Project Odessa will be terminated and prosecuted. The news clipping is more gibberish with the heading “Nervous system mystery revealed” by Greg Gilmore (by gibberish I mean the first couple sentences are “Had men rose from down lady able. Its son him ferrars proceed six parlors.” And then continues on like that)

- I actually love the horror movie situation they find themselves in. It’s a creepy basement lab. The security cams go out. Communication to the outside world has been cut off. Then the devil arrives in the elevator. It’s done so well, things are set up perfectly. There’s even a sign that says “All activities monitored by video camera” and a box with the words “fire safety plan” (could be foreshadowing or I’m just connecting non existent dots)

- The picture of young Homelander with the scientists. It’s so horribly terrible and amazing

- Fudgie the whale is their last meal :(

- titties ahem I didn’t really pay any attention to the shower scene last time. That’s a terrible shower head in my opinion, I don’t like the way it sprays water- OH WAIT THE WIRM IS IN HIS SPINE????? He’s also got a bullet wound in his back. He’s also got a lot of nice freckles on his back. Oh the way Becca sits on the edge and offers her hand and he reaches to take it but grasps the edge of the bathtub instead

- Hughie’s mom seems so fucking casual in the scene where they’re deciding whether to pull his dad’s feeding tubes. She’s too relaxed and almost smiling? At least with her eyes. A lot.

- OH YEAH Gen V mentioned!

- ANNIE I LOVE YOU!!! Look at her face after she burned the president!

- Seriously though such a good Annie moment. She’s so confident with this and marches into the presidents’ office with a plan but by the end of this it’s all backfired and taken away from her. It shows just how fucking much Firecracker ends up affecting her

- I’m not going to be nit picky and go on about how Colin should’ve noticed Frenchie’s ankle because obviously he’d be checking and Frenchie wouldn’t’ve known to hide it before. But I am going to say that’s a Count Olaf ass ankle shot.

- Oh I love how it seems like almost a sweet moment between Sage and Firecracker when she says “we gotta look out for each other” but now you know Sage fully intends for Firecracker to get beat up by Starlight

- I was trying to figure out why Sage got the Deep to do her lobotomy. It’s not that Sage trusts the Deep or even likes him but I think it really is just kind of transactional for her. Like she knows what he wants and what will keep him happy, he’s the only one she’s really made a connection with other than Homelander and Firecracker, and he is not likely to want anything else from her or blab about it. Somehow he is logically the best one to do it?

- It’s great how much Annie really really doesn’t want Butcher there. And neither does Frenchie. Or M. M. Damn, my babygirl has pissed off a lot of people

- Homelander’s theme is so so good. The lone violin does something to my brain. It highlights his isolation and intimidation and fear so nicely.

- I do not know how some people didn’t know Frenchie was queer? I thought it was actually very obvious that in cannon he is bi/pan and polyamorous. Maybe that was just me…

- Just realized how this episode we have both Hughie and Homelander forgiving people. Dots connected! 😃👍 (I’m not dissecting this right now, what do you think I’m an English major?)

- I love all the Hughie and A-Train moments. There’s so much history between them and it’s so present in those moments so it’s interesting to see them have to let it go to help each other because I think they both realize that they’re both fucked up people who are trying to be good and they ultimately relate to each other in a way I don’t think either of them realizes

- Kimiko telling Hughie to let his dad die, to not use the V, is so so strangely powerful coming from her. She understands what it’s like to have V forced upon you, and to be saved by it time and time again. And although she’s now choosing it, she sees how Hughie’s dad probably won’t end up like her and will find it to be a curse

- Hughie tripping is such a loser move (lovingly) like I thought he got shot in the leg or smt but no he just trips. Like the little fail boy he is.

- I love Kimiko showing Hughie how to fight someone and protect himself and then later helping him walk away (it’s a little funny just because Jack Quaid is really fucking tall). She also gives him the motivation of ‘it’s not just about your survival, it’s about your dads as well’ she wants him getting through this and I cannot handle when the boys show care to each other especially when it’s Hughie and Kimiko

- Homelander’s need to be loved is really really really well set up in previous seasons. It’s the only thing that could control him and he doesn’t know it’s even happening for most of his life because he doesn’t know how to ask for it. The environment he grew up in wouldn’t teach him that and the environment he’s put in pushes away and punishes emotion and care. He started off wanting a family from work because it’s similar enough to the lab but no one there has hurt him yet or appears afraid of him. But as he realizes he can’t gain their care, that he can’t make a family, he leans on the fact he can take most of what he wants. But not love. Not true care.

I think eventually he begins to think there’s something wrong with him, but rather than facing that idea (the idea that he’s unlovable) he pushes harder on the idea he is perfect. He is better. Furthering his decent and pushing everyone even further away.

- Butcher and M.M’s ‘time to fill the audience in’ lines caused me to look up what an enema is. And then left the rest to my imagination. First, fuck you! Second that’s a very good device to use because sometimes not showing and leaving it to the audiences imaginations is the most horrifying (it’s their own private horror show)

- I’m looking at the scene where A-Train and Ashley catch each other and I have a feeling it’s going to play out as either Ashley betrays A-Train to win Homelander’s favour, A-Train betrays Ashley, or they betray each other. I’m fairly certain Sage knows A-Train is switching sides so I wonder if she’ll have a plan for when he gets caught.

I also have a feeling that by the end of this season A-Train is either going to die in some horrible way (maybe by Hughie, maybe Homelander, maybe Butcher even) or he’s going to betray the Boys.

If A-Train does die (pls please do not kill him please) I’m wondering how they’ll do it because his death in the comics wouldn’t make sense here and I feel like SuperSonic’s death was already an homage to that

- I wonder if Ashley’s floater will have any consequences. Like they took the time to set it up. Will Homelander comment on it later?

- The way he says “you called me squirt silly” is so so aughhh. This is probably another moment that Homelander remembers that seems so inconsequential to Marty. He was watched and humiliated all of his childhood and then he gets this one thing to himself and when someone discovers it they laugh, adding so much more humiliation. Anyway I’m um skipping the rest of this scene until Barbara shows up.

- Can we take a second to appreciate how fucking well Nancy Lenehan plays the character of Barbara. There is still so much fear to her character but there is no bullshit, there’s a lot of control in a situation where so little is available. She’s cold while still giving a kind of stern mothering vibe. She explains the situation, all the gory details as facts. Starting with “put him out of his misery” to “they were scared”, you could have left, and you were killing from the moment you were born. She knows begging will get her nowhere but she’s still very very afraid.

- Babygirl moment I will never get over. He fought for his life, he kicked and shoved and he won. How this man is alive is a mystery to me but I’m so glad :)

- Tala finally got to say what she wanted to Kimiko but the look on her face as Kimiko leaves is so.. unsatisfied. It’s not over between them, and maybe it hurts that Tala now sees her being kind and caring because that’s not what she got when she first met Kimiko. Maybe she still wants to get that ice cream. Probably not. Just theorizing about her character. Lemme know what you think

- The worm looks like it’s struggling. Maybe Butcher’s life is connected to its life?

- This episode is kind of like one gory scene to the next. You get Hughie and Kimiko killing, then Annie beating the shit out of Firecracker, then Butcher blowing up Ezekiel, and then you’re back to Homelander’s whole fucking slaughter, then it’s Colin beating up Frenchie, THEN it’s a LOBOTOMY, then it’s a nice little hug awwwe

- Barbara’s monologue. I can’t even touch on that. It’s too much for my brain but I’ve been seeing a lot of good posts about it.

- My heart is full after the Hughie and Annie scene. It is so full of love. Fuck OFF Dakota Bob.

- Hughie and A-Train sittin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-

- “You fucking dog wanker” actually Butcher its dog welder and I wouldn’t compare anyone, let alone Hughie, to him

- Hughie getting told by Butcher not to cure his dad is also really fucking sad. Karl Urban don’t kill Simon Pegg! Instead join the USS Enterprise-

- Daphne tries to get close to Hughie and he rejects her cause he doesn’t feel comfortable crying in front of his mom. Hughie stop being relatable.

- He’s really cute when he smiles. I get it. But he’s also committed atrocities. You cannot fix him. (Which man am I talking about? You’ll never know…)

Here’s a link to the first one because if you got this far I guess you enjoy me talking about this

I’ll probably continue talking about this so if there’s more you will find a link to the post here

[leavetwn]

* KAYLEE BRYANT, CISWOMAN + SHE/HER  | you know SUZIE TANAKA, right? they’re TWENTY-ONE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, EIGHTEEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to VALENTINE BY HOPE TALA like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole ROLLERSKATES SCUFFED FROM YEARS OF USE, STARTING A JOURNAL ENTRY TWO YEARS SINCE THE LAST ONE, A SIGH OF RELIEF ONCE YOU'RE FINALLY ALONE thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is NOVEMBER 28TH, so they’re a SAGGITARIUS, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( claire, 22, est, she/her )

it’s me again ! bringing a character who i’ve played for a while now, just switched up & such for every rp, and now , i’m bringin her here. :^) i hope you enjoy her as much as i do! tw: mentions of mental illness (anxiety)

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 .

full name: suzie tanaka. nickname(s): su, anything your muse wants to call her tbh. age: twenty-one. date of birth: november 28th. zodiac sign: saggitarius. gender/pronouns: ciswoman, she/her. sexual orientation: bisexual. romantic orientation: biromantic. hometown: san francisco, californio. current residence: irving, north carolina. occupation: part time waitress at cutie pie’s thanks to her skills on skates. full time student at the local college in her junior year as a creative writing major. she minors in film pro eye color: brown. hair color/style: dark brown, upper-mid back length & she usually just wears it in a simple ponytail. it’s more manageable when she’s out. however, when she’s at home, she’ll leave it down. height : 5′3″. clothing style: you can’t really put suzie’s style into one category. it’s inspired by several different eras & many times she pieces it together. some might call it a bit tacky at times, but she thinks it looks cute. to her, that’s all that matters. tattoos: none. probably could never attempt to get one cause she’s seriously afraid of needles lol. piercings: her ears and that’s when she was fairly young. reference the tattoos portion for reasoning.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 .

when you were around six years old  , you first realized that you were lonely. it wasn’t like you weren’t around other people. it was just that those people were mostly your mom and dad. occasionally your cousins would come over sometimes, but they were all older than you by at least four years. your parents were kind of eccentric, and for that, they experienced how harsh other kids could be very early on. they decided they didn’t want you to experience the same things, so since both were felt they were prepared enough to do so, they homeschooled you to keep you sheltered from those types of things. 

you’re sure they had good intentions. that’s not something you questioned, but you wished they’d at least find another kid you could be friends with or have another kid. you found yourself bored by yourself, so you immersed yourself in things like books or whatever movies they had around the house. this is where your love of fairytales began, and you’d fantasize about living in one while you read or watched the stories unfold.

you lived in your head, and you still pretty much do. you’re an idealist, even though you haven’t seen much of the world. perhaps it’s the fact that you haven’t ventured very far from your home that makes you so, and while life could still be boring, you always had another book or movie to keep you company. you grew content being on your own, and the more that you were, the more you began to enjoy your own company.

that didn’t change the fact that you longed for friends. in all the stories you read or watched, the protagonist had one other person along with them for much of their journey. sure, you had people that you were friendly with, but it was never to the extent that you wanted. it was never a best friend or a close group  —  just someone you saw on few occasions. it also didn’t help how you felt when you were around others. the way you monitored every step you took, the way you crossed your legs, or going over the way you would speak to someone in your head over and over. you figured for the longest time it was because you were shy, but a diagnosis of anxiety gave you a lot more clarity and almost a sense of relief. those things started to make more sense.

being alone helped a lot when it came to academics. you spent a lot of your time studying or looking up random ass facts on the internet, and because of this, you’d call yourself fairly smart. you know your shit. it also helped a lot when getting into colleges. you didn’t aim too high though, not yet comfortable being all the way on your own. so, you chose the nearby university to attend. 

you move out. you’re excited, and your parents are nervous but prepared. they’re not oblivious to the fact that this day would come. you’re ready to go out and face the world, but most of all, you’re ready to make friends. you’re ready to go out and experience the world, every small step at a time. you’re convinced at college you’ll become a brand new person, find yourself, and make plenty of friends. 

it doesn’t go like that at first. of course it doesn’t. it’s a new environment, and it takes getting used to. but soon, people loosen up and warm up to you. you’re quick to make a couple of friends. it isn’t at all like the stories you’d read or watched when you were younger. it is happy and fun and joyous, but you realize that friendships take work. it’s a bit exhausting, as someone who had become such an introvert, but you manage and form close bonds. 

as of now, you are working on your degree and managing life one step at a time. you’re doing pretty well, and things are looking up. you keep your head in the clouds still to this day, imagining what the future will be like. you’re still idealistic and optimistic, not that that’s a bad thing.  

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 .

i was being exaggerative with the ‘being at home’ stuff rip. i mean, she did spend a lot of time at home, but she wasn’t always there. her dad would take her out to rockin’ and rollin’, and i mean, she fuckin rocks when it comes to skating. it was kind of freeing to her as a child. she def got a pair of rollerblades as a christmas present, and she probably was the kid skating down her neighborhood road and shit from sunrise until her mom told her to take her ass inside. 

maybe seems like she’s ditzy and she’s probably somewhat naive, but she’s definitely not stupid. she’s also a fast learner. she is, however, too nice for her own good. she’ll learn eventually, but she’s hopeful and an optimist at heart 💔

loves her dad but tells her mom everything. she doesn’t recognize it, but her mom was probably her first best friend lmaoo. they have a really good relationship. she has a good relationship with her dad too. he’s a bit more closed off than her mom, and she recognizes that but understands.

has an irrational fear that everyone’s like,,, staring at her & thinking she’s weird. really wants everyone to like her but she’s not sure how to make that happen (news flash, it won’t)

her fam is actually from san francisco but when she was 3, her dad got a better offer in irving so that’s how they ended up here. she knows this & she wonders what life woulda been like if she stayed back in san fran. probably wouldn’t have changed but she literally lives in her head and imagines shit like that’s her job at this point so yehhh 

dreams of being a screenwriter and maybe even a director one day. she saw how film and books influenced her life as a kid & she wants to have the same impact, yk? v cute to me i love that. maybe she’ll write a book one day too who knows

i’m feelin like she has a ton of online friends cause she was seeking connection /w people so it makes sense. shout out to all her online pals who kept her sane & shit, but it wasn’t enough for her cause she really wanted those kinds of things irl.

is a hopeless romantic rip to her. just wants someone to sweep her up off her feet and give her butterflies but this aint no damn fairytale so let’s make it chaotic

character parallels: lily (dash & lily, 2020) , amélie poulain (amélie, 2001) , belle in some ways lmao (beauty and the beast, 1991) more to be added.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

*  friends, best friends, etc.  — literally any friends at all. this is the connection she craves the most tbh. platonic over romantic periodt ! she just wants people to braid her hair and have deep, personal convos with about literally anything while legally blonde is on the television. 

* a bad influence  —  i mean, she stayed inside mostly & is kind of an introvert. didn’t have tons of friends either, so she didn’t really have time to go to parties, etc. BE A BAD INFLUENCE SHE NEEDS TO LET LOOSE LMAOO. it’ll prolly take a lot to get her out but hey 

* good influence  — someone she’s a good influence on & who she helps in some way. i could see it happenin’. if you see it happening, i mean... hmu you know where i am mwah 💖

* crush  — someone she’s head over heels with. i mean, it probably wouldn’t take a lot. in my head she be catching feelings way too fast. it’s just a thing, but yeah, it could go either way. maybe your character is into her too or she’ll end up getting her heart broken which is lmao bound to happen one day. could also be someone who’s crushing on her but she’s way to busy focusing all her romantic attention on someone else to notice? idk i’m just here for all the plots.

* annoyance  — someone who finds her ass annoying/does not like her. she wants everyone to like her so it would be so confusing and upsetting and she would be like wtf did i do but i want it cause i love angst. sorry to all my muses out there luv yall but i’m just bein real

* again, anything at all  — if you have an idea that you love, pls don’t hesitate to hmu and lemme know. i promise i will 99.9% of the time be down. the same goes for any wanted connection doodads that i reblog like if u see it and ur like omg i luv that... PLEASE hmu i luv u all already & just wanna have plots and write with you srsly

[beybladeimagines]

Hi :-) I just wanted to say I’m really glad you’re back! I’ve always been a secret admirer of your headcanons as they’re not only very well written, but in my opinion prove that you have a really good understanding of the characters! Two requests (out of which you can either do both or whichever you like best :-D): 1.) What character traits would the Blitzkrieg Boys look for in a girlfriend? 2.) How would they behave watching Disney movies and what would be their favorite Disney movie(s)?

MOD TALKS: EFHWIUEHFE THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Really, those words keep me so motivated and I’m so happy to write for such kind and beautiful souls like you. Thanks for giving me so many exciting things to write about. If it’s cool, I’m going to answer the first prompt, just because I wrote a lot for it already, but I’m totally down to answer the second prompt in another ask! :)

WHAT CHARACTER TRAITS DO THE BLITZKRIEG BOYS LOOK FOR IN A GIRLFRIEND?

TALA: The number one thing he looks for is patience. He needs someone that will allow him to open up at his own pace, but also… Because love is, quite literally, a newfound feeling for him, he needs someone that will give him enough time to really understand what that feeling entails and how that feeling should be expressed. He doesn’t want someone to constantly nag him to take him somewhere or to fight with him about his inability to say more about himself. When he’s confronted like that, it only encourages him to continue shutting them out. He is very cautious and he thinks that trust is something that is built rather than instantly extended. 

In addition, he looks for loyalty. Loyalty doesn’t just mean being exclusive with him (although he prefers exclusivity entirely), it means sticking with him through thick and thin. It means being there, even when it’s hard for both parties. It means being persistent, never letting go, and being willing to work through hard times. He knows he’s not the easiest person to get along with or work with, but when he’s dedicated to someone, he tries and he expects them to really try too.

He prefers really chill or calm souls. He doesn’t like when people ask him too many questions, or when they’re loud, or when they’re obnoxious. Yes, he tolerates Bryan and Tyson, but they have different impacts on his life and play drastically different roles. He doesn’t mind being with someone that encourages him to step out of his comfort zone, but he prefers if that encouragement isn’t…eccentric. It’s totally possible to be chill, but also outgoing. You don’t have to be quiet for him to be into you. Rather, he just prefers not to deal with a lot of constant high energy. He prefers to be around someone who’s considerate of his emotional and mental availability. He struggles to meet high energy folks at the level they’re at, unless he gets to be snarky or sarcastic.

He likes wise and outspoken personalities. What I mean by this, is he likes people who speak with a purpose. He likes people who sound knowledgeable and give advice (good advice, btw) when it’s needed and called upon. He likes people who are ready to call others out on their bullshit, even his own. Although he doesn’t like to be confronted with his faults, someone who speaks wisely will structure the statement in such a way that it doesn’t feel like an attack. He likes someone who contributes to a conversation in a meaningful manner. He’s never been the type for mindless chatter, but if someone asks him a very insightful question, he’ll feel more inclined to entertain them with a few words.

BRYAN: He looks for someone with an open mind and free spirit. Unlike his teammates, Bryan likes to try new things (and likes to try them with new people). He doesn’t like sitting still and doesn’t mind doing something that might make him uncomfortable. He likes breaking out of his shell. Granted, this is probably because he needs constant distractions to avoid confronting his internalized trauma, but at least he’s getting himself out there. Bryan has always done these “new things” alone, but he’d love to have someone by his side that’s willing to be just as weird, crazy, dangerous, and reckless with him. He looks for someone that just wants to have a good time. In other words, he needs someone to be his escape.

Bryan also likes someone that’s responsible. “But J… Didn’t you just say he likes someone that’s reckless with him?” Yes, BUT… He knows that being reckless isn’t always good for him. Problem is, he’s not very good at stopping himself. His conscious is almost nonexistent, and he needs a person to really put him in his place. It’s not that he’s looking for someone to constantly scold him. Rather, he needs someone to tell him why something isn’t a good idea, what bad things will happen, and what he has to lose. Responsibility, and the fact that it’s exuded onto him, tells him that person is genuinely concerned for him. Aside from his boys, he’s never really had someone care about him. So… The fact that his partner does just really hits him hard and will instantly make him change his mind about doing something stupid.

He looks for someone that’s brave. Let’s not confuse this with recklessness. When thinking about the word “brave” to him, brave is someone that’s willing to endure all the trials and trauma that unfortunately follows him. Sometimes, things just happen to him that he didn’t ask for. Sometimes, he cracks and finds unhealthy ways of coping, because he’s terrified and doesn’t know how to deal with certain issues head on. He’s looking for someone who isn’t scared…or, if they are, they don’t show it. When they’re brave during chaos, it means that it’s totally possible for him to overcome something. He just needs that hope. He wants to find it in his partner.

He likes resilience. Resilience doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is tough all the time. It’s okay to crack or break. Rather, he needs someone that can endure his stupid jokes and the occasional dumb (and potentially hurtful) comments he extends. He has no idea when he’s being an idiot. To be resilient means they don’t crack before him. They put him in his place when he needs to know that he’s being foolish. He likes seeing someone who’s strong. He doesn’t mind being with someone who can kick his own ass too. But if they were constantly fragile… He has no idea how to fix it. He just looks for someone who can take a hit and hit back even harder.

SPENCER: He looks for someone that’s youthful or cheerful. Despite his stoic and tough exterior, Spencer yearns for softness. He yearns for something gentle. He yearns for something that pushes through pain. He looks for someone that isn’t afraid to laugh or smile. In fact, he loves loud laughs the most, because it shows that the person isn’t afraid to be happy. He likes people who unashamedly express their emotions, because he doesn’t have to try to decipher them or read them. Cheerful doesn’t have to mean blindly happy. Who the fuck is happy all the time? Impossible. Rather, he just loves people who allow him to get a glimpse of their unfiltered elation. He wants to be part of that. He wants to ignite that. He wants to be the reason someone smiles. He’s a sucker for someone’s smile. It’s probably the first thing he falls for.

He loves high energy. His friends have always been reserved with their emotions. Even Bryan. Bryan just hides his true self all the time. But anyway. High energy folks aren’t afraid to let him know how they feel. They always want him involved, they’re always willing to be around him, they’re always down to talk, and he likes how warm and inviting they are. He has no qualms with being pushed out of his comfort zone. In fact, he thinks it’s kind of hot when someone, especially a woman, takes charge and wants him to do something specific. Additionally, he likes people who are spontaneous and adventurous, because it just gives him more stuff to look forward to. Like they constantly surprise him.

He likes someone who knows what they want and aren’t afraid to take control. Spencer can be rather passive. He does take control when he feels like his friends are in danger, but for the most part, he prefers if someone else has a plan. When it comes to love, Spencer is a people pleaser. He might not know exactly what he’s doing, but he tries. He likes someone who will flat-out tell him what he should do to make them feel good and he’ll execute that desire so swiftly and so well. In addition, he appreciates the confidence that comes with being able to take control. He likes someone who’s able to come up with a plan on the spot and can tell it like it is. He doesn’t really like vagueness or someone who’s indecisive. He’s very much attracted to fast-paced people and fast-paced environments.

Spencer also looks for someone who’s willing to grow. Most people are set in their ways, but sometimes…they’re in need of further developing aspects of themselves. Spencer is the type that’s mostly down for anything and he expects his partner to be too. He knows he’s not perfect, he knows he has his own healing to do, but he wants someone to be able to grow with him. He looks for someone that actually listens to the advice he gives and actually follows it. He looks for someone with great communication and active listening skills. Someone who responds to what he says without rolling their eyes. He needs someone who takes the relationship seriously. Sure, he appreciates a playful personality, but sometimes they need to really embrace those serious moments.

IVAN: He’s attracted to spitfire personalities. I mean, he really loves someone who’s outgoing, passionate, exciting, playful, and eccentric. He also appreciates anyone that’s witty, sarcastic, and can roll with the punches. Aside from Bryan, Ivan probably has the most personality in the group. He needs someone he can exchange energies with, someone who can respond quick to his snarky retorts, someone who can put him in his place, and someone who can make him laugh in the process. He really likes someone with a lot of life, because god knows that his time is absent of it.

He looks for someone who’s supportive. When Ivan got replaced by Kai, he truly believed he was expendable. That moment solidified how he thought about himself. He looks for someone that’ll tell him otherwise. Supportive people won’t always confirm the thoughts in your head. He needs someone that will be there for him. Sometimes, he’s caught up in situations that he THINKS he has control over and sometimes he thinks he’s responding appropriately when really…he’s feeding into an unhealthy perception of himself. He looks for someone that will snap him out of his self-deprecation, someone who realizes that things aren’t right and is willing to be there to help him work through that.

In addition, he looks for someone that’s loyal. Ivan himself is as loyal as they come. He welcomed back his team with open arms when they returned. He needs someone who is willing to be exclusive with him and see him as their one and only. He doesn’t want to be seen as expendable anymore. He wants someone who validates him and reminds him that he’s someone worth hanging on to. To be fair, he’s pretty tough and he doesn’t always take things personally, but once he comes across someone that’s like, “hey… you’re great and I don’t think people tell you that enough” it will blow his fucking mind.

He looks for people that are engaging and involved. Ivan doesn’t like to sit still. He likes people who want to include him in their shenanigans. Hell, he even likes it when people simply invite him to go to the store with them. He likes someone who wants him to hang out with them or their friends. He likes someone who constantly wants to go somewhere to try something new or exciting. He likes someone who’s a real social butterfly, someone who isn’t afraid to meet new people and to befriend them. He likes someone who’s active in friendships, relationships, in the community, in their family… To him, that kind of personality lets him know that the person is really down to create connections, maintain them, and make them enjoyable.

KAI: Like Tala, he looks for someone that’s patient. Kai doesn’t open up to just about anyone… In addition, he really hates it when people try to tell him what to do. He doesn’t like standards, he doesn’t like expectations, and he doesn’t like to feel forced. He gets that people want him around or want him to be involved, but that only causes him to feel annoyed and overwhelmed. He constantly needs space from people and he needs someone that understands that. It’s not that Kai wants to be completely closed off. Rather, he needs someone that understands that he does things at his own pace. He needs time to really analyze someone in order to be mindful of their intentions. He looks for someone who lets him be himself and someone who doesn’t interfere with his goals. 

Kai looks for someone who’s honest. He doesn’t like someone who hides their true feelings, intentions, or self. He doesn’t really like people-pleasers, because they’re only doing what they do for someone else’s approval. He likes someone who isn’t afraid to say, “hey, what you said was fucked up” or “hey, that doesn’t sound like a good idea - here’s why.” Honesty isn’t the same as forcing an opinion. He actually doesn’t mind hearing what others have to say, so long as they aren’t forcing him to abide by the same philosophy. When someone is honest, it just means he doesn’t always have to be on his toes when he’s around them. If someone is honest, he’s way more relaxed and doesn’t have to wonder if there’s a hidden meaning behind some of their actions.

He prefers people who can bite back. Although Kai has a very dominant personality, he doesn’t really like when people just…give in to his commands or expectations. Although he appears annoyed when people question him or doubt him, he likes the challenge. Although blatant disrespect is a turn off, he likes people who motivate him to “work for it” or give him some perspective. He also finds it incredibly sexy when someone is able to by witty or quick with their responses. Try not to confuse wit with insults. He looks for someone who’s able to convey a sense of confidence and intelligence with their remarks. Why? Well. He likes being able to bring others down a peg, but not so easily.

He looks for someone who doesn’t give up. It’s okay to be hard on yourself - we all are, but it’s also possible to pick yourself back up. He’s attracted to people who know what they want and work hard to get it. He’s basically the same way and likes seeing people who are just as driven. When people have their own goals, they’re less inclined to interfere with his own. Additionally, if someone isn’t willing to give up on their goals, then that also means they aren’t willing to give up on him. He knows he’s got his own shit to work through and that it’s going to take time. He also knows he needs time to open up. He needs someone around that won’t give up on him, even when he’s at his lowest. Determination like that is sometimes really hard to come by.

[takemedancingmaine]

Healing

“Most people go to the beach for spring break.” There was a pause. “And I schlepped to Chicago.”

“You didn't have to come.” I made a face as she handed me her duffel bag and together we made our way back out of the airport to the train station.

“What else was I supposed to do?”

“Good to know I’m your last resort,” I scoffed.

“Well,” she said as we struggled down the stairs under the weight of her bags, “Andy’s traveling all week for tennis, and I didn’t really want to go to Miami. I figured that if I came here that I’d at least get some enjoyment out of tormenting you for a whole week.” 

“Don’t you have homework to do?” I asked.

“I’m on a break, Ruby,” she said as if I was unaware.

“I know how breaks work, Mehar,” I said. “Back in my day, we always had work to do over break.”

“Okay, Ms. Back-In-Your-Day.” I turned toward her in time to watch her roll her eyes while she mocked me. “You’re twenty-six, not eighty.”

“The point still stands,” I argued as we made it to the platform and got onto the train near the back of the carriage so there could be room for her bags. 

“I do have work,” she finally admitted. “I’m just not worrying about it. I took all of my midterms, all of my professors that I’m working with for research purposes gave me the week off completely, and I just have to do some ethnographic research and type it up before class on Tuesday, which I’ll do when I’m back in my Monday classes.”

I laughed and shook my head. “You’re absurd.” 

“Of course I am,” she said with a flip of her hair. “But you love me anyway.”

“Of course I do.” I leaned over and wrapped my arms around my sister and held her close. 

“I guess I love you too,” she said with her face squished against my shoulder, her words sounding slurred as a result.

“I’ll take that,” I shrugged. “Tell me about you and Andy, by the way.”

“He’s good. We’re good.”

I pulled back and looked down at my sister, my face skeptical. 

“Mehar Amaya Singh. You once kept me the phone for three and a half hours detailing every gory detail of your second night of spring break last year, including a very, very graphic story about you and that one guy in the pool, and then shower, and then the-”

“I get it,” she cut me off. “And damn, that was a good time.” Her smirk made me shove her and she laughed. “It’s just Andy is different. I don’t know how he’s different, and I don’t know if anything will happen because of it, but he’s different. So I’m rolling with it. Speaking of boys… how’s Louis?”

I felt the bile rise in my throat as I not-so-fake gagged at her question. 

“Don’t even joke about that,” I said, voice low. 

“I’m talking about for me, not you, you psycho,” she giggled. 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I knew she was baiting me. I knew she was. 

“That’s equally as bad,” I finally worked out.

“Have you seen those baby blues?” She asked. “I mean, come on, Ruby. I know he’s married to his work, but I’m not blind.” My mind flashed another pair of blue eyes before I forced the thought from my mind and people watched as we pulled into a stop. 

“Are you done trying to make me uncomfortable?” I asked, keeping my face blasé. 

“I’m your little sister, it’s my job to make you feel uncomfortable, or are you forgetting the story of last year’s spring break? Because I can easily start to retell-”

“How about you tell me about your research,” I begged for her to talk about literally anything else. 

“What do you want to know?” She asked.

“Tell me everything,” I prodded.

“Okay!” 

With Mehar, it was that simple. All one had to do was get her to focus on something else, and because she genuinely liked her research, talking about it was as easy as literally asking her to change the subject.

Mehar had told me about her research over the phone a month ago, but watching her as she talked about it, seeing her get animated and seeing the light in her eyes was something else. I was inspired by how much my sister loved what she did. It reminded me of when I watched Louis bake or when Cleo told me all of her good stories about teaching. They genuinely wouldn’t be in their field of work if they didn’t love it. It’s like when I watch market trends and play around with my personal stocks; I love the science behind the numbers and the patterns that emerge. I love the volatility of it all. 

Watching my sister talk about the work she’s been doing with her professors, working on cases and research studies to gain experience and to learn the processes was inspiring. My sister had always had her life planned out, and she seemed content with that plan, happy to have it all sorted to not have to worry about. This was different though. She’d thrown all of her former plans to the wind and she was happier now than I had ever seen her. I found myself focusing on not getting overly emotional about her personal growth on the train.

I started thinking about what Tala had told me all those weeks ago, about how it wasn’t my job to protect my sister or others around me and listening to my sister talk about how well she was doing, Tala’s message sunk into my mind a little bit deeper. Mehar didn’t need me to protect her. She needed a sister, and I realized that by listening to her and supporting her I was doing just that, being her sister. I had a feeling that after everything the two of us had been through in the past few months, that Mehar’s visit would be restorative to not just our relationship with each other, but to our perspectives and life views in general.

That night for dinner, after Mehar took over most of my room with her things for her five day-trip, the two of us shared a bottle of white wine and painted our nails while trading stories of our worst and best undergraduate professors. Moggy was in her glory, she had two people to beg for attention from and with a face like hers, neither of us could resist. 

“You’re going to have Mehar here all week to keep you company while I’m at work,” I squished my cat’s face in my hand. “Sweet girl,” I fluffed her fur as she purred and brushed up against my leg. 

“She’s going to be spoiled, and then I’ll take her, along with those booties, back to St. Louis with me,” Mehar chimed. 

“Stand down,” I warned, jokingly. 

“Maybe.” She gave me a suspicious look that I didn’t trust.

I glanced at the clock. It was getting dangerously close to ten o’clock and if I was going to wake up and run tomorrow I would have to be in bed soon.

“Are you coming to work with me tomorrow?” I asked as I stood up and started cleaning up our mess of cookies and ice cream. 

“Yeah,” she said, helping me make my living room less of a disaster by picking up pillows and blankets from where they’d been thrown. “I might stop by that Foursided store though, check out any knick-knacks I could get to decorate my apartment with and disappoint mom a little bit by not condemning the city.” 

“How’d she take you coming to visit?” I asked as he moved to go put the dishes in the dishwasher and the ice cream back in the freezer. 

“She did what she always does.” My sister shrugged. “She told me to bring my mace, remembered I couldn’t take it on the plane, and then made me promise to buy some as soon as I got here. She called me like ten times this last week just to remind me to bring coats: raincoats, my winter coat, a regular coat, a light jacket, a sweatshirt, you name it, she told me to bring it. It was that and telling me about the crime rates in certain parts of the city.” 

“Did she do that thing where she asks if I’m near where it happened?”

“Every time.”

“It might be helpful if she actually came and visited, or if she actually knew where I lived and what it was really like here.”

“You know she’ll never visit,” Mehar sighed, following me into the bathroom where we washed our faces together, elbows bumping just like they always did in our shared bathroom growing up. 

“I do think she’s biased because she searches for the crimes that happen and doesn’t realize that because she searches for it that’s all she sees,” Mehar said after drying her face off.

“You’re preaching to the choir,” I told her. “I’ve been trying to get her to understand that for years, but it’s no good.”

“She's going to have a field day when I tell her I'm leaving.” Mehar used the toothpaste and handed it off to me.

“Have you decided how to do that yet?” I asked before I started to brush my teeth. 

My little sister just burst into hysterical laughter. Her giggles were so contagious that as we brushed our teeth we could barely keep ourselves from drooling everywhere.

“How did you tell them?” She asked once we’d finished and made our way to my bedroom, shutting lights off on the way. 

“My situation was a little different,” I told my sister. “I never told them I was staying. They were mad I was leaving, but I never intentionally had them thinking I would ever remain in St. Louis.”

“That’s what’s going to kill them,” Mehar said, climbing under the covers beside me. “They’ve had this idea that I’d be there always and Ruby, now that I’ve seen what I want to do, I can’t stay in St. Louis. If I want to learn and progress I need to push myself. I don’t think I can do that if I’m only a twenty-minute car ride from them.”

“Can I tell you something?” I asked as I turned the light out.

“What?”

“Don’t worry about how they’re going to feel, or what they’re going to try to say to make you guilty. They’re both very good at playing the guilt card. But it’s your life, Mehar. You can't make sacrifices or concern yourself with others if you're doing what's going to make you happy or strong or fulfilled.”

My sister was quiet in the darkness for a long time. I thought she had fallen asleep, until she spoke again, quiet this time.

“Did you learn that in therapy?”

I shook my head, even though she couldn't see it. “Tala told me.”

“Who?”

“Brian's sister.”

“Oh.” I'd told her enough in the last few months to where she knew who Brian and his sister were. Tala has been instrumental in me taking my first steps toward focusing on myself at a deeper level, and in my going to therapy. And Brian was consistently non-judgemental and steadily by my side through it all, helping me punch out and fight through my frustrations and anger in a safe, controlled way.

“Think about it though,” I prompted Mehar, my vice soft.

“I will,” she promised.

“Alright,” I heard him say, “what about this?” 

There was a pause, a moan, and then, “Oh, my god.”

“Good, right?” He sounded rather pleased.

“That was amazing.”

“What about this one?”

I knew what they were doing, but still, the taunting sunk under my skin and I had to laugh. 

“Please stop!” I begged.

“Hey, I need someone I trust to taste the new recipes and you said you were busy today,” Louis called and I watched him pop into view in my door frame, leaning against it casually. His smirk gave him away though.

“I'm not busy enough to block out your hilariously disgusting attempt to get a rise out of me.”

“It worked, didn't it?” He asked, eyes still light with humor. “Now, c’mon, you skipped lunch and it’s almost four. At least try this bake to get something in your belly.”

“Mehar says it's good?” I asked, loud enough for her to hear me out in the kitchen by the workbenches.

“So good!” She called out in response.

Louis looked pleased.

“Fine,” I said. I clicked out of the market projections over to the spreadsheets I'd been editing and saved it before pushing back from my desk and following Louis into the kitchen where Mehar was waiting sitting beside a platter of what appeared to be hot cross buns.

“They’re chai with apricot and cranberry,” he said excitedly as I picked one up, studying the texture and smelling it before looking at him.

“Chai?”

“It's in the batter for the dough.” He nodded.

I took a bite, and just as always, Louis’ face took on a rather serious expression as he watched me, his nerves churning beneath the surface visible to me. It was his signature grumpy face.

I pondered the taste for a moment longer, keeping him on his toes a beloved pastime of mine. It was absolutely delicious. It wasn't just that I'm partial to chai, but the combination of the spices with the sweetness of the fruit balanced each other out perfectly.

“Why haven’t you made this before?” I asked. “I’m in love with these.”

“Really?” he asked. I nodded. “What about the dough, though? Did I let them prove too long? The chai kind of affects the rate. I sort of guessed by how much it rose.” 

I shook my head.

“I think it’s amazing,” I told him. “They’re light and fluffy and just the right amount of rigidity to the outer layer.”

“I was thinking of teaching all the staff and rolling it out next Wednesday. After bread day,” Louis said. He was watching me and Mehar as we nibbled on the bake. It was one of my favorite things he'd ever made. I wasn't sure whether or not to tell him this though.

“That's pretty quick,” I said, but I knew they could be a big seller.

Louis shrugged, not worried at all about the quick rollout. “Baby Singh, what do you think of getting your hands dirty and helping me with the next batch?”

“I’d love that,” she hopped off her stool and headed over to where the extra aprons were, tying one around her waist. She then tied her hair up on her way back over to us. 

“What about you, Rubes?” Louis lifted an eyebrow, trying to entice me. “D’you want to help out?” he asked.

“Louis,” I sighed. “I have work to do.” 

“It’s three forty-eight.” He peered at his watch. “What do you have left to do?” 

“I have to finish the spreadsheets with Bucktown’s morning sales and then I have to-”

“So it’s nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow,” he gave me a smug look. “C’mon, help me and your sister bake. We need you.” 

“You’re amazing,” Mehar nudged me. 

I rolled my eyes. “Okay. Fine.” I shook my head and then pulled my hair up and strolled over to get an apron. “Wash your hands, Meh,” I called over my shoulder as I came up to a sink and started washing up. Mehar came up beside me and washed up as well. 

“It seems like nothing has changed,” Mehar said quietly to me as we washed. “He’s not been weird around you since you broke up with his best friend?” 

“You don’t have to phrase it like that,” I sighed. “But also, it’s been over a month. I know it was hard for him at first.” I looked over my shoulder and watched Louis as he shuffled around, reorganizing himself to make another bake with us. “He was pretty stressed. Plus, we still use the group chat with all of us in it, because we’re trying to make sure that we keep everything as normal and together as possible.”

“Wait,” Mehar stopped me. “You’re all still in the same group text? And you have been… for over a month?” 

I nodded. 

“Ruby. You have to be kidding me,” Mehar groaned. “How are you supposed to get better if you’re not distancing from him?” 

“I am moving on,” I insisted. “He and I don’t interact with each other, and it’s not like I constantly pine for him whenever I see his name pop up. It’s just easier for everyone else to not have to be in two separate groups.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Mehar, not now,” I urged her. “Please.”

“So yes,” she said. “You can’t fool anyone, Ruby. Not even yourself.” Together, we dried our hands and headed back over to Louis where we were each given our tasks. We were each handed a bowl and measuring cups.

“Alright, three batches,” Louis told us. “It’s going to be great.”

“Oh my god,” Mehar said. “We’re going to have so many of these.” 

“We’re not all making the same thing,” Louis said, mischief in his eyes. “I’ll make another batch of the same, Baby Singh, you’re making shortbread that we’re going to dip in chocolate and pistachios, and Rubes, you’re in charge of some brandy snaps.”

“I’m making what?” I asked. 

“You heard me,” he nudged me.

“Louis, you know this is going to take like three hours, right?” I asked.

“I’m ordering us some Thai food for dinner and we’re going to make a night of it. Baby Singh is also in charge of the tunes. Do you want old school or new school?” 

“70’s and 80’s rock,” she insisted. The two of us shared a look, and smiled. Whenever music came up, we immediately thought of our Dad. Our mom was always the cultural music, but my dad was the American music, so we bonded over that. The first song that came on was an Eagles song, which of course reminded me of Niall and how music was one of the first things we bonded over.

Louis must’ve known, because as soon as the song started he gave me a look. I just held his gaze, watching his expression to make sure it didn’t go from our mutual understanding to pity. It didn’t change, he just started humming along and began in on his bake. 

“So is there like… a recipe I should be following?” Mehar asked, looking around all confused. 

I laughed. “He keeps them on laminated sheets in binders,” I nodded toward the shelf in the corner. “Grab the one that’s labelled biscuits. My brandy snaps and your shortbread will both be in there.”

“And he’s just going to do it by memory?” She asked. “I knew he was good, but I didn’t realize he was that good.”

“I’m a master,” he winked at her. She blushed and ducked her head, flipping through the binder to find her recipe and mine.

“T’cha,” I rolled my eyes. “He’s alright. He’s no master,” I told her.

“Alright?” He asks. “Alright?!” His voice was rising, his fake disbelief so prevalent in his tone. “I’m sorry, who was it that started a very successful bakery and expanded it into three locations all in the span of five years? Not to mention the fact that I’m stunningly handsome and raised the money to start the business while I was still in undergrad. On top of graduating with honors and-”

“For the love of-”

“Give it a rest already,” Mehar laughed. 

“Oh come on, I’m a little impressive,” Louis insisted.

“Get back to work,” I instructed them both. 

“Aye Aye, Captain,” Louis saluted and the three of us went back to work, music playing in the background as we went back to work. It only took five minutes before Louis was teasing both of us, but it was fine. It was light and fun and I just kept thinking of how good it was to have Louis still there as my friend, to have my sister and earning her trust back, and just enjoy where I was.

I felt lighter than I had in years, and it was remarkably surreal to feel like this. 

“Hey!” 

I smiled as my sister’s face lit up my phone. 

“What’s up?” I asked as Andy came into frame. It looked like they were outside, there was a lot of green behind them. 

“So, I know you’re doing a beach volleyball day, but I just wanted to show you what I’m doing right now.”

It had been three months since Mehar told me about Andy, which means it’s been just over two months of my being single and three months of her not being single. It was a massive turn of the tables. Well, it wasn’t so much a turn of the tables, seeing as it had been a while before Niall that I’d had a boyfriend. But it seemed way more plausible for me to have a boyfriend than for her to have a boyfriend. 

It turned out that they were actually calling themselves a couple now. It was surreal. For my entire life I’d never known my sister to have a boyfriend.

“What are you doing right now?” I asked as I hiked my bag up higher on my shoulder and steadied myself as I rode the train. She switched the camera so I no longer saw her and Andy, but was facing a tennis court, a basket of bright orange tennis balls and two rackets leaned up against the net. 

“Wait.” I felt my brain moving at a snail's pace. “I’m sorry,” I said as I tried to work through what was happening. “Are you trying to tell me that you’re playing tennis?” 

“That’s exactly what she’s telling you,” Andy said as Mehar switched the camera back around and I could see them. “She’s about to embark on her first experience with organized sports.” 

“It’s like I don’t even know you,” I told my sister as I stepped off the train at the platform and started heading down the stairs. “You’re outside in the sun for reasons other than sunbathing, and you’re willingly participating in sports.”

“I wouldn’t say willingly,” Andy laughed.

“I’m trying new things!” Mehar complained over both of us. “It’s a spring awakening,” she insisted. “I’m trying to grow as a person, and if that includes sports, I don’t know. It might. I’ve never tried before.”

“Andy,” I said, the awe clearly present in my voice, “you must be a wizard or something. Do you secretly have my sister under a spell or is she just completely losing her mind?” 

“That would indicate that there was anything there to lose in the first place,” Andy said, ducking from my sister’s attempts to swat at him for his comment.

Through my laughter I asked Andy to take some videos to send me before their session was over. 

“I’ll send some along,” he promised. 

“And good luck, Mehar,” I waved to my sister. “I love you. Have fun!”

“I’ll do what I can to have fun,” she insisted. “I love you too! Enjoy your first beach day of the year.” 

“I’ll try,” I insisted with a wave before we both clicked off to end the call.

The streets were busy. The end of April was volatile weather wise in Chicago, and the current weather meant that everyone would be outside trying to enjoy it.

It could either snow and be dreary and cold, or it could be seventy-five and sunny. It sometimes went back and forth, too. One day and then the next could be polar opposites. Today, it was sixty-five and sunny. It was supposed to go back to cold and windy and cloudy sometime early next week, but for the time being it was remarkably pleasant. I was going to soak in as much as I could. 

Cleo, Tala, and Brian were joining me to play beach volleyball. It would be way too cold to go in the water, and I had no doubt that if we were just idle on the beach the light breeze would be too cold, but if we were goofing around it would be fine. Brian had a volleyball net and ball from one of his friends at Northwestern, and I was bringing snacks. Cleo was bringing a speaker and Tala was bringing beverages. From what I’d seen of her and from what Brian had told me, we were to expect mixed drinks and blonde beers. 

The rest of the crew was unavailable. Clea had just squeaked out of the chaperoning duties for the school carnival that was going on that had ensnared Harry, Ana, and Liam. Apparently because she’d volunteered for a school dance back in December and was already signed up for judging the science fair in two weeks, she wasn’t required to be there today. Which left Louis, who was out in the suburbs with his family at a soccer tournament for one of his sisters who was still in high school. I had asked for updates, and trophy photos when his sister’s team won. I had a lot of faith that they would win. He’d already sent me a photo of his entire family dressed in the team’s attire, ready to cheer on one of their own. It was precious. 

“Cute tank top!” I heard someone call, and when I whipped my head around I noticed it was Cleo. She was carrying a black box that looked like a mini cooler: it was her speaker. I thought she meant she was bringing her small speaker, but I guess she wasn't playing around today.

“Nice,” I said, pointing to it as she came to a stop in front of me.

“The small one wasn't charged.” She shrugged. “It's my fault. I forgot to plug it in after last weekend’s potluck.”

“Well, we’ll just blast some music and be in our own little bubble. There's people out, but not too many. I'm sure we’ll be fine.”

“So I've met Brian, but what's his sister like?”

“Tala is… vibrant.” I couldn't think of another word off the top of my head. “She's loud and funny and very passionate about self-care.”

“I like her already,” Cleo nodded.

“Oh.” I reached into my bag and pulled out a small baggie with lemon poppyseed cookies. “Courtesy of Louis.”

“What a gem,” she sighed in content as she grabbed the bag from my hand and pulled one out to eat. “What else did you bring?”

“Carrots, snap peas, apples, plantain chips-”

“Ruby, what are we supposed to eat?” Cleo gave me a look.

“I stopped by Jewel on the way and bought barbecue chips and goldfish, too. I even picked up some of those peanut butter filled pretzels and if you're nice, I'll give you some.”

“I'll be on my best behavior,” she promised, her eyes wide. She loved the pretzels. Over her shoulder I noticed Brian and Tala searching us out.

“Over here!” I called out, and Brian immediately found us, guiding Tala over as well. 

“Okay,” Brian said, setting down his backpack, “who’s going to help me set up the net?” 

None of the rest of us volunteered, we just stood around silent, not looking at each other and trying not to laugh. 

“Don’t everybody volunteer at once,” he said. “Ruby, you seem able-bodied enough.”

“Ha!” Cleo and Tala high-fived. “Have fun, Rubes,” Tala smirked and set her cooler bag down, quickly getting to work on making drinks for all of us as Brian and I walked over to set up the net so we could start playing. 

“You haven’t called for an extra session in a while,” Brian noted. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been okay,” I said. “I don’t want to jinx it, but it’s been a month since my last nightmare. I think therapy is really helping. I still go twice a week, but starting next week, it’ll only be once a week and then we’ll see how that goes.”

“Holy shirt, you’ve not had the nightmare for a month?” Brian stopped what he was doing and turned to stare at me. 

“Mehar was worried that when she came to visit she would see me have it at least once, but ever since she came I haven’t had it. I don’t know how, and I’m still a little worried it might come back out of the blue, but I feel really good. I’ve been feeling really good lately.”

“Ruby,” Brian breathed out in relief. “I’m so happy for you.” 

He came over and wrapped me up in a hug and just held me for a second. 

“Hey!” Tala called and Brian and I stepped apart. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was touchy-feely time. I’m doing work over here and you’re just hugging like it’s free love Woodstock?” She raised her hands to show off the aluminum cups in her hands that she was mixing drinks in. Cleo, beside her, already had her own cup that she was sipping from, a content look on her face.

Brian and I just laughed and started to get back to work on the net, ignoring the jabs from the peanut gallery the whole time until we were all set up and started playing. Cleo and Tala had bonded over drinks, so they were a team, which meant Brian and I ended up being on a team.

By late afternoon we were exhausted, sweaty, drunk, and starving. We were also covered in quite a bit of sand. 

“You’re all welcome to come back to mine and I’ll make us home-made mac and cheese,” Brian offered as we packed up and started walking back toward the train.

“Sold!” Cleo’s excitement was palpable. 

“I’m in,” I said.

“Well, the whole pot of mac and cheese will be eaten by me,” Tala smirked. “What are you guys planning on eating?” 

“Tala,” Brian rolled his eyes. “Remember what we talked about? You have to share.” He looked at me and Cleo, “She’s been having issues with sharing since, well… since she was born.” 

“Oh come on,” Tala rolled her eyes. “I”m the one who has issues with sharing? You’re the one who broke out in tears when mom forced you to share your Batman legos with me when you were seven.” 

“That was one time!” Brian complained. 

“It was multiple times,” Tala insisted. “It went on for a while.” 

Cleo and I were laughing, trying to keep ourselves composed long enough to maintain our place on the sidewalk, but it was a real struggle.

“Oh, well, excuse me for trying to make sure you didn’t lose any of the pieces of the set. Which, by the way, you did.” 

“Sorry that Batman’s grappling hook was lost, but the whole set wasn’t ruined because you lost a single piece.”

“Well, it was, so…” he trailed off, clearly trying hard not to laugh.

“Oh for the love of-”

“Alright,” Cleo inserted herself, her cheeks red from laughing.. I was impressed she had composed herself long enough to speak. “Let’s just say for argument’s sake that it wasn’t ruined, but that we’re all sometimes bad at sharing. I mean, Ruby never lets Mehar borrow her shoes.” 

“That’s because she wasn’t going to borrow them, she was going to steal them,” I rolled my eyes. “There’s a difference.” 

“I’ll just make enough mac and cheese that even though some of us are sharing impaired, there will be enough for everyone to have.”

“I can live with that,” Tala nodded.

“Good deal,” Cleo nodded along with her in agreement.

“I’m game,” I added. 

The four of us were a group of misfits, people who under normal circumstances wouldn’t have ever met or hung out, but had ended up together anyway. Cleo was bonding with these people who’d happened into my life because of something bad. 

On the train ride North, I was weighing all of what had happened to me and I had to tell myself that despite all of the bad that had happened, I was grateful for what I’d learned about myself and for the people I’d met along my path of healing. I would never have met Brian or Tala, I probably wouldn’t have bonded so deeply with Niall or experienced the rest of my friendships on a new level. Even my sister’s personal growth, which she claimed was inspired by me, was another thing I was grateful for. I couldn’t imagine her on any other path now. 

If this thing, if my getting mugged, was a way of helping me to grow as a person and was going to help others around me, then I was absolutely okay with it. I had learned that regretting things was not helping anyone, so despite it all, I wasn’t looking back with melancholia nor was I looking back wishing I could change something. Instead, I was just looking forward.

[letterboxd]

All the Cinephiles!

Talking films with filmmakers at TIFF 2019, including Bong Joon-ho, Beanie Feldstein and Daniel Radcliffe.

The 2019 Toronto International Film Festival brought pay-offs for the Letterboxd community from some heavily anticipated world premieres: Taika Waititi’s “anti-hate satire” Jojo Rabbit, Rian Johnson’s entertaining whodunnit, Knives Out, Marielle Heller’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Todd Phillips’ Joker, and the Canadian premieres of big-hitters like Palme d’Or winner Parasite, The Lighthouse, Bacurau and Marriage Story.

The following films also went over well with the Letterboxd members in attendance: Blood Quantum, Saint Maud, Color Out of Space, La belle époque, Waves, 37 Seconds, The Burnt Orange Heresy, About Endlessness, The Invisible Life of Eurídice Gusmão, Uncut Gems, The Obituary of Tunde Johnson, Dolemite Is My Name, Just Mercy and documentaries The Australian Dream and Collective.

We took the chance to ask some of the many filmmakers on the ground in Toronto about films they love (and the films they were there to represent).

Choi Woo-shik, Bong Joon-ho and Song Kang-ho at the Toronto premiere of ‘Parasite’. / Photo courtesy of TIFF/Tommaso Boddi.

Parasite

“All the cinephiles, the film geeks!”

We had just one question for Bong Joon-ho: how does he feel about Parasite being not just our highest rated film this year, but this decade? “I’m so happy with that. All the cinephiles, the film geeks! Me, also the cinephile, so I’m very happy with that news, thank you!”

Choi Woo-shik, who plays Ki Woo, the son in Parasite’s poorer family, described what it’s like to be directed by the acclaimed filmmaker. “This is my second time working with director Bong. He gives very friendly but subtle, very descriptive direction to actors, so I think that gave us a lot of confidence to act better.”

His favorite scene to film? “It must be the scene where the whole family’s drinking together in our semi-basement, right before my friend comes from work and gives me the stone. It was really fun working with director Bong and Song Kang-ho as my father. It was perfect.”

‘Parasite’ opens in US cinemas on October 11.

Producers Debra Hayward and Alison Owen, actors Beanie Feldstein, Alfie Allen, writer Caitlin Moran and director Coky Giedroyc. / Photo courtesy of TIFF/Phil Faraone.

How to Build a Girl

“That’s someone who’s really enjoying writing.”

Beanie Feldstein, admired for her work in Booksmart and Lady Bird, hit the TIFF red carpet for famed feminist writer Caitlin Moran’s adaptation of her semi-autobiographical novel, How to Build a Girl. Feldstein is a riot as Wolverhampton teen Johanna Morrigan, who reinvents herself as “Dolly Wilde”, a rock critic and “lady-sex-pirate”. Feldstein promised Letterboxd that if Moran’s next two books about Morrigan, which have been optioned by the same producing team, are also adapted for the screen, she’s in for the trilogy. “Of course! I mean, she’s my girl! I feel so protective of Johanna and I love her so much.”

We asked the reigning queen of the coming-of-age genre about the films that she loved, growing up: “I grew up obsessed with Funny Girl. Fanny Brice is my idol! Bridesmaids, my senior year of high school, was, like, the best movie ever. It was the most memorable theater-going experience of my life.”

How to Build a Girl is Caitlin Moran’s first film screenplay. (Working with her sister, she has previously adapted their family life for the British sitcom Raised by Wolves.) We asked Moran which screenwriters she most admires. “Oh my gosh. Who do I really love? If you read the scripts of Bruce Robinson, who did Withnail and I and How to Get Ahead in Advertising, those scripts read beautifully. All the description is there; he describes the sky looking the color of burnt sugar. That’s someone who’s really enjoying writing and you feel that vivacity come through on the page and in the character of Withnail. I love Bruce Robinson’s scripts.

“Juno was my favorite film of the last ten years. The way that that story was told just made me incredibly happy. I just love Diablo Cody so much. Like, when you read her stuff you feel her heart, sometimes her groin, and her massively exploding soul! So that’s what I’m always looking for. I just want to see things on screen that look real, that someone went ‘I’m going to have to write this or bust’. I hate films that look like someone went, ‘Oh, we’d better make a film that looks like a film’. I want people to have sat down and done a list of things where they’re, like, ‘What would I like to see on screen that I’ve never seen before?’

“And that’s what we tried to do with How to Build a Girl. I just literally, when I was writing the book, just [had] a list of things that I’d never heard anybody talk about with girls.”

‘How to Build a Girl’ does not yet have a scheduled release date.

Willem Dafoe, Robert Eggers and Robert Pattinson. / Photo courtesy of TIFF/Tasos Katopodis.

The Lighthouse

“I think the fart jokes work.”

The Lighthouse, directed by Robert Eggers and co-written with his brother, Max, is a film that the word “bonkers” has been thrown around a lot to describe. Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson go head-to-head in the black-and-white, claustrophobic, psychedelic and disarmingly funny psychological horror.

Max told us: “I came up with the original conceit that, you know, the sort of horror-genre of a lighthouse, I’d never seen done. And then Rob needed a writing partner. Well, actually, he had said to me, ‘Do you mind if I steal this lighthouse idea?’ And I was like, ‘Sure, fine, whatever,’ not knowing where it would land me eventually!”

Writing as brothers, says Max, involved “a lot of turpentine being drank! That’ll make sense for people who see it later. No, I’m just joking. It was a perfect fit. We trust each other, and I think that’s the big thing about writing teams is you gotta trust each other. And brothers, you know, it’s easy. You’d hope it would be easy. Sometimes it’s not.”

When we suggested that the brotherly relationship likely influenced a lot of the flatulence comedy in The Lighthouse, Max agreed: “Yeah, again, it’s one of those things where we took risks. Comedy is about that. You’ve gotta be able to be honest and trust yourselves. We didn’t know how it was going to play but, thankfully, I think the fart jokes work.” (When asked at the TIFF Q&A whether those farts were real, Dafoe replied: “Half and half.”)

Robert, when asked about the film he remembers as inspiring him to think about filmmaking, immediately offered Star Wars, particularly because of the available behind-the-scenes coverage that aided the “discovery process”. Max couldn’t recall the first film that inspired him into a movie-making career, but “one that reaffirmed my work would be a film by Elem Klemov called Come and See, which is the greatest, one of the best films I’ve ever seen. Amazing film.”

‘The Lighthouse’ opens in US cinemas on October 18.

Taika Waititi at the TIFF premiere of ‘Jojo Rabbit’. / Photo courtesy of TIFF/George Pimentel.

Jojo Rabbit

“Adults are ridiculous.”

“To me, Kak was so visceral and real.” That’s Jojo Rabbit producer Chelsea Winstanley talking about her imaginary childhood friend, for whom her family would set a place at the table and open doors, at her instruction. Jojo Rabbit’s writer-director Taika Waititi is also Winstanley’s husband, so her producing role naturally started early in the process, when they would share stories at home about childhood imaginary friends. Waititi plays the title character’s imaginary confidante: a stupid, vain, petulant and badly-dressed version of Nazi despot Adolf Hitler. It’s a character not found in ‘Caging Skies’, the Christine Leunens novel from which the film was adapted.

“We talked a lot, shared stories like that, so I think it’s very clever that he introduced that,” Winstanley explains. “It’s almost like we want to have some kind of heroes in our lives but we don’t know if they’re good or bad. Jojo doesn’t know the actions of adults. We’re just ridiculous. Adults are ridiculous. So it’s a really incredible way to show this kid that [Hitler is] not such a great hero.”

Winstanley, a director herself, was last at TIFF with the female-directed anthology film Waru, and produced the acclaimed documentary Merata: How Mum Decolonised the Screen, which was picked up by Ava DuVernay’s Array Releasing and is currently available on Netflix. “It’s amazing how I get messages, emails from people around the world who have watched it, because they can, thanks to Ava DuVernay. She championed this film to get out there. I have a massive girl crush on her.”

On the topic of inspiring women, Roman Griffin Davis, who has been gaining notice for his title role, praised his acting coach, New Zealand actor Rachel House: “She’s properly amazing. She’s a great actress and she’s very good at teaching acting. She kind of taught me how to act. Apart from my mother as well!” Fun fact: House is a long-time collaborator of Waititi’s (and voices Gramma Tala in Moana).

At the Jojo Rabbit Q&A, actor Stephen Merchant revealed the inspiration for his Nazi Gestapo officer: “I don’t think it’s going to come as a shock to anyone that I obviously watched Raiders of the Lost Ark. The great Ronald Lacey performance as the Nazi Gestapo officer… he’s very scary and terrifying so that to me seemed like a great guide; you can be comic but every so often you just turn on that chill factor.”

Meanwhile, Jojo Rabbit production designer Ra Vincent told us that the film Life is Beautiful—and the personal interests of filmmaker Sir Peter Jackson—were his key influences for the film’s design. “I’ve had quite a long relationship working with Peter Jackson and being around his interests, which are First World War memorabilia and stories. So I’ve had an opportunity to see how close to people’s hearts these stories are, and how it’s important to protect them.”

As for the films that made him want to be a filmmaker, Vincent, who began his movie career as a model maker, replied: “I think Star Wars did it to me. And also, oddly enough, Medusa [Ray Harryhausen’s work in Clash of the Titans], because of the claymation aspect to it. That’s my background.” Vincent is already working with Waititi on his next project, “a very nice little feel-good film about the American Samoa soccer team of 2011. It’s exciting to do a job at the beach!” (Michael Fassbender is reportedly in talks to play the team’s coach.)

‘Jojo Rabbit’ opens in the US on October 18.

Rhys Darby, Daniel Radcliffe and Samara Weaving. / Photo courtesy of TIFF/Phil Faraone.

Guns Akimbo

“Life’s too short to work with assholes.”

Daniel Radcliffe hit the red carpet this year for New Zealand director Jason Lei Howden’s Guns Akimbo, the follow-up to his micro-budget, metal-horror, splatter-fest Deathgasm. Also starring Samara Weaving and Rhys Darby, Guns Akimbo finds Radcliffe drawn into a live-streamed game in which guns have been bolted to his hands. It’s a far cry from Harry Potter and, looking over his recent output, we couldn’t help but comment that he must be having the time of his life picking roles as far from the boy-wizard as possible.

“I mean, I’m looking to be happy and live a nice life,” Radcliffe replied. “I’m very fortunate to be in a position where I can really pick and choose what I wanna do. No actor is in that position. That’s such a gift, so I’m very lucky to just get to work on stuff that I love and is maybe, I am told, weird, but I love it. And, yeah, also life’s too short to work with assholes, so I generally love to work with lovely people like Samara and Rhys and Jason. It’s very nice.”

Getting Radcliffe to name the film that made him want to work in movies is a tricky ask, since he started out so young. “That’s what’s weird about me is that I feel like most actors get into it by becoming a fan of film and then, like, ‘I wanna be an actor,’ whereas I was on film sets already by the time I realized I liked film. And I love film sets. I love being here. I feel like that’s what I fell in love with, was actually the experience of making things on set.” When pushed, he ponied up: “The first films I remember falling in love with are, like, Toy Story. Those are the first films that I remember seeing and going, ‘Oh, this is amazing’.”

Rhys Darby, who plays a down-and-out character named Glenjamin in Guns Akimbo, had been at the premiere of his friend Taika Waititi’s film the night before (Darby played Psycho Sam in Waititi’s Hunt for the Wilderpeople). “There’s nothing like it,” he said of Jojo Rabbit. “He manages every time to cast these fantastically comic-driven, gifted children, and [to] have so much pathos and heart. It was a triumph. I’m just jealous I wasn’t in it!”

Asked what the film was that made him want to get into the entertainment business, Darby responded: “Wow, that’s a good question. To be honest, I’ve always been a James Bond fan. I grew up watching the Roger Moore James Bonds, and it was the epic-ness of those 1980s films, which are ridiculous. The Roger Moore ones, there’s a lot of humor in them, there’s gadgets, and there’s these great locations, and I kind of dreamed of the idea of maybe being part of that world. It just seemed so ridiculous that it would never happen to a kid from Pakuranga, but it’s kinda happening!”

Darby recently achieved a dream of visiting Bond creator Ian Fleming’s home. “I actually went to Goldeneye! Yeah! Who would have thought that I’d get to go to Ian Fleming’s resort in Jamaica, and sit on his chair, where he wrote these novels? That was really special to me.”

‘Guns Akimbo’ does not yet have a scheduled release date.

[daughterdedicated-blog]

OKAY SO,,, let’s talk about yesterday’s episode, shall we? pardon me for being ALL OVER the fucking place, but i have some Thoughts

just in general, like... right off the bat, i think that it would be safe to say that this was a very, very stressful episode for werblund in particular and of course i’m going to focus in on that bitch bc i love him so much and i think that this episode showcased a lot as to what exactly is going on in werblund’s head, about the whole situations and the current dynamics.

and i’m especially talking about the trust issues bc !!! oh boy !! was anyone else hurting !! when werblund straight up said that he felt that he couldn’t even trust KOVACS anymore bc i !!! am still dead !!!

like it’s so hard to explain bc werblund isn’t dependent on kovacs, but i think it’s safe to say that werblund found himself trusting him rather quickly and that plays into the whole fact that he hasn’t trusted anyone in YEARS after what happened to his company and his family ( i feel like this may be hinting that it was an inside job? altho i guess all your friends being slaughtered would make you feel cautious just in general ) and between the two, kovacs and werblund are the most focused and driven of all the others. they have a clear goal and they will do whatever it takes to get there, they both understand that, they both can trust each other. even when it was revealed that kovacs was STAYING in the creepy bone lair that the INSTANT reaction from werblund was that he didn’t like it, he didn’t trust that at all, but there kovacs was doing his own thing.

and i think that tags along with the fact that i just,,, don’t think anyone really realizes what all werblund does. i wouldn’t say that he is the most logical, i would say that kovacs definitely tops all them there. bc of course, werblund isn’t perfect, he is insanely driven by his emotions and from what we’ve seen, he is slowly fucking losing it beyond all measure. he gets shit done and he sure as hell is very smart, he is able to pick himself up after everything and devise a plan in a matter of seconds bc he knows what he is doing. he isn’t just the ranger of the team, he’s a vet merc and he has been following winkerbean for who knows how long.

he is willing to put his pride aside to get shit done, to realize when something isn’t working out or when he HAS to basically GROVEL at the other’s feet and lemme tell you that as sweet as the moment was that??? he got personal with the others for a few in order to take them to raid the ships??? that was REALLY FUCKING SAD LIKE???

he’s a broken record, you guys. time and time and TIME AGAIN he has repeated over and over that the only thing he wants in the entire fucking WORLD is his daughter back. he literally doesn’t !!! have anything else !!! he wants his daughter, he wants her safe and he wants her as soon as possible and when the others get off-track, he has to BEG to get them on his side. he has to PROVE that he would help them out, like he hasn’t said from the BEGINNING that he was willing to help anya and help any of the others if they needed him so long as they help HIM.

i think, again, that’s what makes his and kovacs’ relationship so sweet is because they really don’t have to repeat themselves, they implicitly trust each other and respect their wishes. kovacs hasn’t asked anything of werblund ONCE but i’m pretty sure that he knows that werblund would do whatever he wanted if he helped, meanwhile you have trixa doubting werblund and i mean YEAH i understand that it is an abandonment issue that trixa has to ask werblund if he was going to flee before agreeing to come with him and that’s ALSO SAD, but it shouldn’t be that way. werblund shouldn’t have to ask, but he literally has no other choice.

like this is not to say that he is a saint bc he ISN’T he has had his fair share of fuck-ups and tom foolery, i would bargain to say that he is the most morally fucked up out of them all bc he literally doesn’t care who he has to go through or how. and i think he knows that and is playing the victim card very, very strongly. but i don’t think that’s without reason bc... he has literally lost everything and after everything that the group as been through... we can see that he DOES fairly damn well all by himself and he’s just... roped in to these crazy antics that EVERYONE adores and i’m not saying people are WRONG for loving the funny moments of the show, but i think werblund as a character takes himself very seriously so naturally, he isn’t as goofy as the other characters and that’s fucking OKAY. it’s an anti-hero campaign, my friends, i think he definitely fits the theme

okay i know this is a lot and i need to wrap this the fuck up but i had thoughts and real quick i just wanted to talk about werblund and tala bc... y’all, like. werblund is SO FUCKING DESPERATE AND DERANGED to get his daughter back, that he straight up agreed to go on a date with tala and i don’t think that was the best move on his part bc... you know. he’s got major issues, we have no idea what his wife situation is like... and she’s an undead minotaur ABOMINATION. i really don’t think that the ship is going anywhere, not with his fucking attitude, but i think it was something of a sweet thing that happened to werblund. even if tala is literally going to be led on, if they go on this date of theirs bc i swear to god his daughter WILL be rescued or i will fucking kill someone, i think that at the very least is a moment of sanity in stark comparison to all of the others.

okay okay okay, that’s fucking all for me ! if y’all want me to scream more about him, pop into my ims or fucking send me some asks bc clearly... i can write for a fucking eternity !!!

[realblackhelix]

Regarding Season 5 Legends of Tomorrow

Spoilers mostly because of two paragraphs of quotes hinting at Season 5 but it's not really spoilery.

So everyone seems a little worried about the season finale spoilers which are hinting about what season 5 may be about and while I am a little something has been niggling at me, a lot of somethings.

If you are here only for Avalance. Check #4 it's a theory that I haven't been able to shake since I read the Season 5 spoilers.

Here for potential episode count of Season 5 of Legends of Tomorrow and/or the potential reasoning behind it's midseason, next year move? Try #3

Or here for a potential theory regarding Season 5 entirely. This also includes Avalance and has a little more backbone then #4. Check out #5

Here for Crisis on Infinite Earths? Check the last part.

So I made a list and dug back through almost every episode of Legends from season 3-4 to try to calm my fears and honestly I think there are some huge clues buried deep in there.

1. People are worried that next Season will be Legends of Tomorrow's last and I honest to god think Legends of Tomorrow will end with a Season 6 and not 5. Why do I think this? Mostly because the CW renewed it for season 5 didn't mention it was ending and renewed Arrow for season 8 and mentioned that it would be it's final season. Plus I doubt they'd end two of the Arrowverse shows one after the other. I know it hasn't been running as long as Arrow and Legends isn't the flagship show but I do believe they would've let people know if that would be it. Though that said I do believe Legends will have a Season 6 and that will be it's last, do I want it to be? No.

Should it be? That's to be determined.

There are hundreds of stories a show like Legends could tell but honestly ask yourself is it worth the risk of Legends losing what makes it Legends, let it and those in it go down as Legends I say.

2. And what happens when the Legends awaken the original guardians of Time (no, not the Time Masters, sillies, that was season one!) who wish to erase everything the Legends have “screwed up for the better” over the past four seasons?

I needed to especially hit this nail on the head, considering I began writing a fic back at the beginning of 3B about original guardians of time, I literally even called them Time Guardians and tied the original 2 of them to Adam and Eve and there was this whole plot surrounding what if and honestly Im scrapping it now, I was probably never going to finish it but I was almost half way through so thats something.

Now to get on with the actual point of this quote, I dont know if anybody has noticed but this entire season offset with the actors and actressess and onset as their characters, especially the closer it gets to the finale has been extremely focused on the wrongs season 1 did, how bad it was, how much the actors didn't like it (example - Dominic Purcell's quote, Phil Klemmers comments about it and on and on with the other actors), the quote above even mentions the fact that these guardians will try to correct the past 4 seasons and then there's Sara's and Mick's mention to it in "Nip/Stuck", the offshoot moment that had everyone going awwww when Mick mentioned they were the last of the originals and Sara mentioned they were different back then and that they are growing up but hopefully not apart (a huge hint I believe that this show is ready to tie the knot, just not season 5 ready because they'll need to be adults for that ending and they aren't quite there yet) season 4 was about coming to terms with that fact and season 5 will be about them acting on it, season 6 will be the realisation that every Legend has an ending. This is where season 5 'them acting on being adults' comes into it, I believe Legends is going to try to write season 1's wrong in a way they haven't done yet, do I mean they'll literally go back and rewrite season 1? No, i swear to god they better not that would be another level of unbelievable yet to be achieved but that doesn't mean certain aspects of season 1 won't have a huge impact, season 1 brought them together as in Sara's words "the original losers, not important to history" and now look at them. Season 1 of Legends will play a pivotal plot point to Season 5, a realisation of soughts. It's time for the Legends to grow up, realise that every action truly has consequences and that nothing lasts forever, something they couldn't fathom when Rip tried to keep them from fixing their mess in 3x01 forcing them to get normal lives and not be time travelling superheroes. Though they'll surely have their fun discovering this.

3. Midseason Return and episode count

Okay, I am not worried at all about this. Is it shitty? Yeah definitely. We won't be getting episodes until at least at minimum January next year but let's be honest with Batwoman hitting our screens, this was going to happen.

Legends of Tomorrow is the CW's most outrageous, crazy, no ordinary run of the mill show they have. It's no longer able to fit with the nitty gritty of the Arrowverse, it's in a league of its own.

These things are what make Legends of Tomorrow, Legends of Tomorrow. It wouldn't be the same if it resembled the street show Arrow is or the teen superhero show the Flash is or the normal, kind of? that Supergirl is or whatever type of darl thing Batwoman will be. Just like Black Lightning (which if you aren't watching, why?) Legends is something of its own. Unique.

Moving Legends away may very well be them realising this.

As for episode count, I don't expect anything above 16 episodes but I certainly don't expect anything below 13. This whole 10 episode rumour going around, I find it hard to believe, Arrow got 10 mostly because it's the last season and Stephen Amell requested a shorter series to end on.

4. Avalance - let's be honest most of you reading this are only here for the Avalance. Probably.

What do I think of Avalance leading into season 5? I think we got our answer perhaps in the form of Clexacon, 4B and the spoiler. Everyone is so concerned with the fact that they may break up that they haven't considered something entirely different.

In attempting to change her future, Zari Tomaz (Tala Ashe) will accidentally change not just the past she shared with Nate Heywood (Nick Zano), but fundamentally change who the Legends are in season five.

From this one paragraph everybody assumes they are going to be broken up in this new reality. If that turns out to be the case I am all here for a finding their way back to each other season. Remember, Sara and Ava are who each other want. They'll find their way back to one another.

Though this isn't what I get from this, remember Clexacon. Remember baby Beebo's? Remember Ava wanting a life with Sara and Sara not entirely sure she could give that to Ava with her past, remember everything with Sara's father, remember Ava wanting to talk about kids and so on and so on. Now I'm not saying Quentin will make an appearance but I am suggesting that what if this new reality is everything they ever wanted, what if it's paradise, Ava has a kid with Sara, Sara has her father and she's in a good place with Ava but nothing feels right. What if it changes their lives all for the better and season 5 is them coming to terms with the fact that they can't have something that isn't really real. Imagine Ava having to let go of a child, Sara having to say goodbye to a living family, Nate saying goodbye to his Dad again, Mick having to let go off being some famous writer and so on and so on for every other character. It's not their reality whether it's perfect or not at the end of the day they are heroes and now they need to prove it.

Will Avalance have a rough patch? No doubt.

Will they be broken up at the start of next season? Who knows, I don't, not really.

Will they find their place together? Definitely, I'd bet my life Legends Season 5 ends with Avalance. Though Season 6 may start with only one of them.

5. What if the opposite of the above happens?

What if it's the fact that Zari erases herself from history or never meets the Legends and detrimentally changes the future, I mean that was a theme through all of season 3 and looking back at the fantastic episode "Here We Go Again" Gideon and Zari figure out that without her they can't stop Mallus, what else would've happened without Zari.

If Zari never met the Legends what would the impact be?

First we need to take a look at Zari and what brought her too the Legends, namely her brother and the desire to save him, he gave her the totem, so let's think this through, if Zari some how manages to save her brother (I'm gonna say she saves him with her dragon, that dragon will come into play somehow, leaving it at Zari's was in no way a random thing), she never gets the totem, she never joins the Legends and the Legends no longer have six totems.

What then? What about Mallus? What about Nora?

What about Avalance, Zari (with the help of the cheeky bot, Sara's words not mine,) were catalysts for them, is it possible that without her push to Sara, Ava moved on with that ex in Vegas or someone else. It would give Legends and opportunity for some hilarious Sara jealousy and pining something we haven't really ever seen. Could you imagine? They would be friends with or without Zari but would they be together? Sara is a little stupid when it comes to admitting feelings and Ava is a little dense when it comes to anything Sara related, it would make for a joy to watch as Sara and Ava fall in love all over again but never truly get together until everything is fixed with time and they realise the lynch pin to their relationship starting was Zari.

What about Charlie? Or Constantine? Zari had a huge impact on both characters, "Legends of To-Meow-Meow" is all the proof you need.

Would Constantine even be a part of the team?

Would Charlie?

Would Mick be a writer, Zari gave him the push he needed, to be out as a writer and to be a writer. Without Zari, Here We Go Again never happened.

Zari impacted every one of Legends, willing or not. Mostly not.

What about those donuts? Would the Waverider be overrun by donuts? Poor Gideon.

Crisis on Infinite Earths

Alright this is because this makes me more nervous than Season 5 of Legends spoilers does. Probably because we haven't heard anything really and only have the comics to truly back the crazy theories surrounding it.

Lets give it a look. Canon flow of the story between all shows hasn't been the CW's greatest forte, their plot holes only seem to get bigger and bigger with every second or third episode that hits the screen as they try to tie all these shows together.

That said, one thing that has yet to become a plot hole, at least not that I've seen. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

The Legends were picked because they wouldn't impact history in any great way. Sara dying or any Legends dying to save the multiverse would throw a wrench into this and blow the biggest plot hole in Legends that would be pretty hard to turn around from. I'm not saying that they might not try because it is the CW but let's be honest going into Clexacon, Jes and Caity knew how Legends was going to end, Caity will be back for the next season which would be awkward if she died in the crossover (Though she does have a habit of coming back from death), so relax chill and wait to see that most likely this Crossover will show what happens with Oliver Queen the Arrow, one final Arrowverse send of for the one who started it. Love or loathe Arrow, personally for me it went downhill around season 5 but I hold a soft spot for it, love or loathe you probably wouldn't have everything else without it. So give it a round of applause when it finishes, Stephen Amell and the rest of them deserve it.

That said it is Crisis on Infinite Earths, who's to say that the new season of Legends will take place on the Earth we are familiar with, after all they're time travellers, who needs Earth, time will do just fine. Just have to wait and see.

If only we had a time machine right?

[beybladeimagines]

Hey so maybe this is a weird request, but would you be interested in writing first kiss head canons for your top 3 beybladers?

Mod Note: I’ve literally been so stoked to answer this, because I love talking about my favs (even though I pretty much love everyone in the show). Thank you so much for this!!!

His first kiss definitely took place when he was playing 7 Minutes in Heaven at a going-away-party for him and the other All Starz. Because he knew he’d be traveling far and wide to train and enter tournaments, who knew when he’d see these people again. It’s a room full of beautiful strangers and he ended up in a closet with one of them. The lights were off and he didn’t even think to turn them on to see who he was going to lay his lips on. In truth, he really didn’t even care. Despite it being his first kiss, he seemed to have a strong idea as to how he should proceed. Granted, his partner was providing a little bit of guidance, but for the most part, Michael took the reigns. 

It started as a slow collision, one where he was able to feel how soft the other persons lips were. But he is greedy for affection. He transitioned into capturing their lower lip between his teeth, gently pulling it back, and then letting it go. In that closet, he learned how to be a tease and how to take control of unpredictable situations. Soon his hands intervened and wrapped themselves around the stranger in the dark. What was supposed to be a small romantic kiss ended up blossoming into a full on make-out session. They were in there for over 7 minutes and, quite frankly, people were getting concerned. When they opened the door, he had a satisfied smirk on his lips. He was a little upset knowing that this person who he had basically shared such an amazing moment with was going to transition into a mere memory, but he likes things that are temporary, because to him they have the most meaning.

Julia is no stranger to traveling and often embarks on journeys all throughout Europe with her brother. Part of being in a circus is knowing that life never really stands still and because of that, she associates the road with home. On one particular evening in Paris, she caught the eye of a beautiful girl who watched her throughout the entire show, even when Julia wasn’t performing. While she had grown accustomed to fans, she wasn’t used to them giving her more attention, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, every time they caught eyes, Julia couldn’t help but blush and the girl could only smile brightly in return. Raul, of course, noticed this, but didn’t seem to really understand the chemistry that was happening between the two. When the show was over, the mysterious girl confronted Julia, but there was an obvious language barrier between the two. Julia only knew a few words in French, but the other girl didn’t seem to mind. She grabbed the bladers hand, implying that she should follow, and Julia happily obliged.

Upon willingly allowing herself to disappear into the night, the girl took her to various places in Paris to explore the local terrain. She wasn’t afraid to hold Julia’s hand, or to nuzzle her face into her cheek when they walked. Julia had never really experienced this kind of affection before, so it was welcomed with open arms. Their first kiss was passionate and took place in a park at 3AM. Julia’s arms remained around this girl the entire time. In fact, she almost felt afraid to let go. There was excitement and desperation in the collisions they shared. Both of them giggled between breaks and smiled into each others lips. It was the most fun she had ever had with a stranger and she didn’t even get a chance to ask for her name. Ever since then, Julia has felt confident to engage with strangers in her travels, but nothing tops the magical moments she shared with that girl in Paris.

His first kiss didn’t come until after he had spent a majority of his time with a particular individual. Tala has already chosen a pack for himself and has created a bond with his teammates that is almost too strong to be severed. When someone else is let in, it comes across as a modern miracle, but even so, they have to endure the same tests and trials to prove their worth. Because of this, romance starts off so slow with Tala, but every moment that someone works towards is heavily rewarded. I just picture a scene where his partner became impatient, but could tell that Tala was ready to move forward in their relationship, so they simply took matters into their own hands.

It starts with a blindfold around Tala’s eyes and the words, “do you trust me?” Part of him was ready to pull the fabric away from his eyes, but he could tell that his own faith was being tested. They hadn’t come this far just to waste it all, right? His partner starts slowly and simply traces their fingers around his arms, following veins to his elbow, before tracing the scars that resided around his shoulders. He was under the impression that his partner simply wanted to know the history behind his hurt, but in truth, it was a distraction for something much softer. His partner leaned in, ever so gently, allowing their breath to first hit his lips. Tala would then become aware of how close they were, but didn’t seem to move away. He appreciated the brief hint he was given of what the other’s intentions were. Perhaps it was the warmth that the other exuded, but he didn’t shy away from coming any closer. The first kiss is soft and filled with hesitance. But the longer he allows his lips to linger on opposing skin, the more comfortable he feels to melt into the moment and to try different angles and duration's of kissing. But, it’s from that moment onward that he would rather see his partners eyes than be left in the dark again.