#i feel like the word lonely isnt enough to convey how im feeling

[unbelievabelle]

try not to burst into tears every time you see a picture of your friends challenge level impossible

[i-did]

I would like to hear more of your opinions on fandom depictions of Neil, if you don't mind! Your post made me realize some things I wasn't even aware of when reading aftg fic!!

Yeah sure I have a lot of thoughts on this. I think this is an overall fandom issue and not just an aftg fandom issue, but the feminization of neil as well as the ironing out of his personality to make it more palatable is definitely a thing.

I've noticed in a lot of fics hes a lot friendlier, a lot less distrusting, and a lot more oblivious. I also noticed the amount of demand for vixen neil, and neil in dresses and skirts and crop tops, neil crying and being vulnerable isn't a challenge on traditional masculinity because andrew and the other guy foxes don't receive nearly the same amount of demand.

There is heavy emphasis on people wanting not just neil but andrew to be softer, and while that's okay, it's important to remember the moral of aftg is that trauma makes some people hard, and intense and not traditionally likeable, and that those people aren't broken and don't need to be fixed. So when people just, ignore that and make andrew and neil a lot softer, neil always sitting in andrews lap and other things, lots of expressions of PDA, and other out of charter moments, it erases the idea nora was trying to convey.

I've stated before about how the fandom also often doesn't mention body hair but when it does its andrew having facial hair and neil having less typically, but also there is usually emphasis on andrew having a deeper voice than neil, who sometimes gets written almost as whiney and petulant or pouty.

-nsft text below-

I also think there is an overall lack of understanding of mlm culture in fandom which is largely a women's space. I won't go into detail here but how pwp is written (especially a lot of the trans andrew or neil ones) are not with a mlm gaze in mind, after all if it was proper gay porn then only mlm would be turned on by it, but the consumer in mind isn't mlm at all, both because the authors are almost always not mlm, but the readers aren't as well. There is emphasis on neil being more vocal and whining, mewling, whimpering, and moaning, all common in how straight porn treats the woman, while andrew is emphasized in being a lot more quiet, maybe grunting and groaning.

Lingerie is not common in gay porn outside of fanfiction, jock straps?? Thats a thing thats a huge thing, but in all the pwp I've seen of them in their exy gear I haven't seen it mentioned before, not a cup or jock strap or anything like that.

Neil is also the one being put into the lingerie and there is emphasis on him feeling pretty rather than handsome and him being petite and slim rather than a bulky athlete

There is also an overall lack in realism in preparation and dynamics that are physically impossible or unsafe but thats a whole other thing.

This is just off of the top of my head, I can get into the fetishization of trans andrew fics another time thats a whole other thing, but yeah this is just my unprepared thoughts and observations I've noticed.

Fanart also tends to lack the men having bulges, i respect trans hc but i have possibly never seen a flaccid penis in running shorts neil is wearing. They don't go away they sit there and take up space.

-end nsft text-

I have more to say when it comes to the dealings with trauma in fanfiction but for another time. I also have a huge rant about how fanon deals with the race in fics, both nickys canon race as well as the fanon everyone else's race

Overall, people can write what they want to write, and fiction is fiction and i cannot stop anyone from doing anything, and people can interpret the characters how they want. But when writing fiction, the authors own biases can slip though, the charters are written by them after all. An author who writes a torture scene isnt someone who has done that, but an author who writes let's say nicky as even more predatory, slutty, stereotypically gay and "ayeyeyye" in fanfic is unknowingly being racist and homophobic.

A person existing in real life fitting steryotypes is one thing, I've been told like once a week that im stereotypically gay since I've been alive, and have been under a lot of fire for being both "too mexican" and "not mexican enough" but an author who is not mlm and is white can still fall into these pre conceived notions they don't realize they have. There is no such thing as a real life queer couple being heteronormative, but someone else writing one can be because they're not real people, they're characters.

Why does this dynamic appeal to you? Are you projecting? In what way? Why do you think x character is more passive and y is more aggressive? Are they like that in canon ?

When quarantine started I threw myself into aftg even more, but quickly became depressed and felt gross and watched, I felt lonely as an mlm and isnt white in a dominantly white wlw/wlm fandom. Most of tumblr is queer white women dominant tbh, in the same way its American dominant, and fandom is like that too. I still have a hard time talking to my friends who aren't mlm about fandom stuff sometimes because I will tell them something bothers me and I'm not sure they understand or take it seriously. I was so depressed because my personal escapism was making me feel worse.

My depression has gotten better since then, but I still get very uncomfortable with the word "twink" being applied to not just neil, but now any queer man, especially when not said by someone mlm.

Okay I'm gonna stop here lol this was a longer ramble than planned. Ah. Don't cancel me don't twist my words I swear I don't care what others do this is just my observations

[hellomygf]

when my own words aren’t enough

okay so you know that one direction song that’s made of other song titles, “Better Than Words”. same concept here except not really and you just listen to the lyrics of the songs LMAO. anyways sometimes the words of others can convey better what im trying to say to you so enjoy 19 songs that do so. i highlighted some of the lyrics that really made me think of you/us. click on links on then click on togepi

Love Like This - Ben Rector

“Never used to get excited to sit here in the silence Holdin' on to somethin' the way I'm holdin' you Didn't used to know how fast time walks and runs and flies by I never thought I'd feel so deeply, but damn, I do

i never knew i could feel so happy just doing the mundane things with you. walking and talking, going out for drives, sitting and eating food. time goes by so fast when im with you. i always wish time would slow down and let it stop for awhile just so i can have a couple moments of just us yeno? you make me want to spend more time with you even when we just finished spending a whole evening together. there’s so many new feelings that ive experienced since ive been with you and i cant wait to keep feeling new ones 

All I’ve Ever Known - Eva Noblezada and Reeve Carney (Hadestown)

All I've ever known is how to hold my own But now I wanna hold you, too

for the past couple years i learned how to love myself again and how to be okay with being alone. alone doesnt mean im lonely but it did mean that i had built up my walls again and letting someone in new again was so scary. you made it seem okay though. you made sure that when i was opening up to you and being vulnerable that it was okay to do so. that i wouldnt be hurt and that i was safe. i learned how to love romantically again and learned what it feels like when you arms wrap around me and hold me. it’s currently my favourite feeling and i dont think i ever want it to end

roses & sunflowers - Timmy Albert

You're a flower that's blooming every season with spring I fell in love with your roots, the whole you, everything

i mentioned before that falling in love with you was like how the seasons changed. like you know it comes but it’s always different. this isnt my first time in love but it’s most definitely something very different. a good different. im in love with every part of you. from the way you make your puns to the way you buy me things that show you care (my favourite foods, my ddr adapter, and most recently itch cream) to the way you sing in the car to me to how you tell me about your good and bad days. i love it all!

Favourite Girl - Jesse Barrera and Tori Kelly

My baby, She still drives me crazy After all this time, You better believe that Nothings greater, She still makes me better After all this time You're still my Favorite Girl

BONUS:  I remember when, You didn't know how to kiss  (hehehhe) Now you know me well, And nothing compares to this 

best girl. favourite girl! is maxbean hehe jkjk.. maybe. we both do some whack ass stuff but there’s no one else i would rather be having fun with than you! you make me better in every way. you encourage me to keep going even when days are rough. you support me on my good and bad days so im here to remind you too that im here for you always okie?

No Matter Where You Are - Us the Duo

I will stand by you Even when we fall I will be the rock, that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall

whatever the world throws at us, whether that be a pandemic or people who dont support us, im going to uplift you and us in every way that i can. i want to be a pillar of strength for you and show that even though am baby and that i am smol that i am a girlfriend that you can count on to show up by your side. i got your back from now till however long

Tattooed Heart - Ariana Grande

You don't need to worry about making me crazy 'Cause I'm way past that So just call me, if you want me 'Cause you got me, and I'll show you, how much I wanna be On your tattooed heart

honestly this is just one of my favourite love songs ever so i just wanted to add it into the playlist lmao

Lemonade - Jeremy Passion 

She's so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes She's exactly what I need She's my smile when I'm feeling blue She's my good night sleep when my day is through yeah

i say this all the time but i love looking at you oh my god skjskjs like YOU. ARE. LITERALLY. MY. TYPE. lmaooOOSKSKJkj. other than physically being my type you really do embody everything that i need in a partner. kind, compassionate, genuine, good communicator and listener. you make sure that i dont fall asleep sad and you make sure that im okay on my not so good days. i love you so much

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran 

A stranger's hand clutched in mine I'll take this chance, so call me blind I've been waiting all my life

i took a chance on someone i really didnt know anything about but my god i think it’s the best thing that ive done 

Ger Here - Sam Smith 

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

this reminds me of the time you bused through a snow storm just to study with me at utsc. also just in general whenever you make the effort to come all the way here to my house just to spend time with me and even then you end up driving us downtown or to different places too. you are truly the definition of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”

goodnight n go - Ariana Grande 

Oh, why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Why must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well Just say goodnight and go

“why do you make it so hard to say good bye” something we both always say haha. one of these days we’ll have a night together and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up together too. one day! very excited for that day where we can say good night and stay

While We’re Young - Jhene Aiko

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

[...]

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

i tell everyone youre my girlfriend because haha im so happy to be dating you and telling everyone you make me so happy so yeno just a subtle flex. it’s also so scary fully giving myself to someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. to trust that you will safeguard my feelings and that you wont hurt me but i know youre scared of the same thing too, i guess even more so since im your first girlfriend. i promise i’ll protect your heart too. water it, nourish it, and let it grow into something even greater

Blessed - Daniel Caesar 

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed to be stuck with you

ive told you since the beginning that i didnt want to bring you into this until i could fix and improve my mental health. i think that way of thinking was me associating my ability to love with how healthy i am. that’s not fair because i am capable of loving others even when im not at my 100% best. im so very grateful that you are there with me when im dealing with my mean/negative thoughts and that you can help ground me and be there to let me ride out my sad days. 

Runnin’ Home to You (cover) - Jake Spencer 

Can't say how the days will unfold Can't change what the future may hold But, I want you in it Every hour, every minute

i can see you in my future for a long time my love. i hope you can see the same as well 

Please Keep Loving Me - James TW 

For all the mistakes I'm making, I don't mean (I don't mean them, I don't mean them) For all the little things That I fail to see

please be patient because sometimes i wont be able to get things right the first time around. i tend to be a little slow when doing things and i come quite late to events. so even on days when i may be difficult to be around, please do your best to keep loving me and i’ll do my best to make it easier again.

Nothing - Bruno Major

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind losing to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

no need for an explanation.. -_- 3rd date. d&b. mario kart. fan... hhh but i mean guess this also applies just in general whenever we play games and i lose lmao. honestly though doing nothing with you is still so fun for me. from making puns in a grocery store, to watching movies on my couch, to watching the sunset together by the water. nothing is better than doing nothing with you :)

Teenage Dream (cover) - Boyce Avenue 

Before you met me I was alright, but things Were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

i think this applies to both of us in a sense that we were (and still are) both dealing with some not fun stuff when we first met each other, but we have each other now to get through it together. at the time, it had already been a few months since my falling out with you-know-who and just a couple months since i had decided to get help for my mental health stuff. i remember feeling so touched when i first told you about everything because you had made the conscious effort to reassure me and soothe me by holding my hand and looking at me when i got anxious talking about it. that was the moment i knew that you would be someone special in my life and someone i wanted to keep for a long time as well.  so im hoping that next year (and for the next foreseeable years) you can be my valentine haha

Only Us - Lauren Dreyfuss and Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen)

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go But if you really see me If you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

while i have grown up with some great and amazing people who have made me feel so loved. ive also grown up and have come across some not nice people as well. they made me feel like i wasn’t worth it or made me feel small and not wanted. it’s not a nice feeling being shut down when youre just trying your best to get to know others or when you talk about the things you like and people become uninterested. i guess you can say that’s what contributed to why i dont want to show my whole self yet to new people at first. im scared that i will scare them away and they wont like me. so when you, a total stranger at the time, wanted to get to know me more, genuinely enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend more time with me, i was like “wow someone new actually LIKES me for ME?”. you dont understand how much it means to me that you made the effort to get to really know me and to still make the effort now to make me feel comfortable so i can be my whole self around you. i cant thank you enough. you make me WANT to talk about what i like and share my joy with you. thank you for letting me be me.

Take on the World - You Me at Six

I can see, see the pain in your eyes Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through You should've known, I wish it was me, not you 

i know there’s things you dont want to talk about and things you really cant talk about. knowing all the pain and hurt youve gone through has made you tough and strong but it sucks thinking of everything that youve had to face on your own. i wish i could take that pain away from you if i could. take it, ball it up, and throw it so far away that it never hurts you again. it is so very unfortunate that the saying goes “why do bad things happen to good people”. you dont deserve any of that. a good person like you deserves a life filled with unwavering support from those around you and days filled with boundless joy. i cant change the past or what other people think of you but what i can do is to do my best to make sure that even when you are hurt that you still feel loved and you still want to fight another day. you can do it, and i’ll be with you now for every new challenge that you face. your’re not alone

She Keeps Me Warm - Miranda Lambert 

She says I smell like safety and home I named both of her eyes forever and please don't go

[...]

And I can't change, even if I tried Even if I wanted to My love, my love, my love, my love

those first two lines are just so very nice to listen to. 

you and i both know that we cant change who we are and who we love. i think we’ve both had countless nights and thoughts of wanting to be straight so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of loving the same gender. i know this past month has been especially hard for you though. im here to remind you that there’s nothing you need to change about you my love. i love you just how you are. your family may not understand it yet but i hope they will. i hope they understand that you make others around you feel so welcomed and loved. that you are the most selfless person that a lot of us have met. that you stick up for those who are mistreated and that you care for them. i wish they could see just how deeply you love and i feel like ive only scratched the surface of what your love is and can be. i want them to see how much i love you too and how you have made me a better person in all aspects. my parents, my cousins, and friends have all said that they have seen me change and become a softer person. my cousins say that you compliment me in the best ways and sand down my rough edges. i hope one day soon that they see all the love that emanates from you and that they can support you at least even a little bit. i hope they can see that love is love is love and that they learn to love all aspects of you too.