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painfullymeta · 6 months ago

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Warning: I'm Gonna Be Earnest Now

I am deep in my feels right at the moment so I am actually making a post of my own on this, the deep in my feels hellsite.

I am late GenX. (Not quite what gets called Xennial IMO but definitely in what gets called the Oregon Trail (Micro)Generation.) And for all you young whippersnappers, you have to understand "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.” ( - L. P. Hartley)

I am old enough to remember when AIDS was named GRID. ("Gay-related immune deficiency.”) I am old enough to remember ACT-UP, the Reagans’ abandonment, “If I die of AIDS just leave me on the steps of the FDA”, all those things that tired older people on tumblr try to remind people of when the TERFs come around to tell us to stop saying “queer” as if Queer Nation was a goddamn hallucination I had when I was a kid.

On the last day of high school, after the last exam, when none of us would have to ever see each other again if we so chose – that was the day that one of my friends, someone I had eaten lunch near every day since partway through freshman year, said to me “I have something to tell you. I’m gay.” And then he followed it up with “Is that okay?”

I hugged him. He broke my goddamn heart and I hugged him. "Is that okay," he asked me. Is it okay to be who I am, near you.

I was in college before I met someone who identified herself as a lesbian — and I went to a women’s college until I lost my shit and dropped out, and I expect that if I hadn’t done that I might have gone longer.

(Of course at the same time as I was clueless and not meaningfully connected with any sort of queer culture I somehow wound up with a friendgroup who, if we got bored and couldn’t come up with anything else to do, would watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show together. This is what we did instead of going to Homecoming.)

By 2000, I was vaguely aware of trans things existing, and in fact met my first trans person while at Brighton Pride that year, though we didn’t really speak (I was there as the guest of some people in his extended social group) and I was vaguely confused and too awkward to try to do more than ‘observe and try not to fuck this up’. I met a nonbinary person for the first time around then as well, and zie was the only one I knew of for nearly a decade.

By the mid-oughts I was with it enough to ask someone what pronouns she wanted me to use for her before sharing something about her on a message board.

(I am also old enough to have spent time on multiple message boards. I’m old enough to resent the internet going through the world wide web instead of email and usenet actually.)

Sometime in the early oughts I guess I was at the subcommittee hearing in the Boston State House that was discussing, among other things, whether we might consider possibly condescending to allow same-sex couples to marry. I was even going to testify! (Please be impressed with my early twenties autistic ass I was terrified.) There was a guy there - a senator on the committee - who was asking every person who came up if they were going to force his church to marry the gays. Catholic, y’know, this being Massachusetts. I revised my speech in my head to note that if we weren’t forcing the Catholic churches to marry divorcees yet he didn’t need to worry about it.

(Then my nose decided to haemhorrage all over my entire life and I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding so rather than testify while looking like an entire murder victim I went home.)

I was in my thirties when pregnancy-induced dysphoria made me start seriously thinking about my own sense of gender.

I was in my forties before I bought a binder.

I am from another fucking planet. (The past is a foreign country.)

I know kids - multiple kids - who knew enough to identify as lesbians at an age younger than I think I knew that word. (And I am one of those humans of freakish and unreasonable vocabulary and always have been.)

I crack jokes with one of my kids about the Queer Kids Stairs at their school, because that’s where the GSA kids hang out together after activities get out. (While GSAs were around while I was a kid, they started in Massachusetts according to Wikipedia and that is not where I was when I was a kid, and to my best recollection I didn’t hear about them existing at all until I was an adult.)

I live in a world where my social circles include queer people of my generation, of older generations, of younger generations, and oh my gods, I look at the kids and my heart tries to explode.

My oldest knows more than one trans kid. More than one *affirmed* trans kid. (And we’ve talked a bit about the social dynamics that might make it more likely for the trans boys to be out than the trans girls, even now.)

And I’m writing this because of one of those trans boys, who is in the Coming of Age group at our church, and who is, apparently, in his credo, citing that thing I’ve seen on the tumblrs more than once, about how being trans means being a participant in the holy, divine process of creation, coming into being as himself.

And guys?

I’m not from the same planet as that kid.

Because I’m in my forties and I don’t even know what I’m creating. And I’m terrified.

And here’s this kid coming out there with that as a core statement of belief that he’s prepared to stand up in front of, as the phrase goes ‘God and everyone’, to claim.

(I need to remember to talk to him about how in my Craft tradition there’s a canonically transmasc god.)

I know I’ve got at least two teenagers reading me and I just. Y’all got this. I know it’s hard and the world is scary and it’s fucking coming for us all but you are amazing and I am so full of inarticulate alexithymic feelings about all of you. The ones I know and the ones I don't.

We've come a long way from "Is that okay?" and you heal my broken heart.

#kids have a handle on the real problem here #trans issues #queer issues #dear diary tumblr #parenting notes

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clotpolesonly · 9 months ago

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I'm so curious about the Declan was abused by a priest au 👀

my friend Cami and i can't help it, we just look at promiscuous characters with intense trust and intimacy issues and ask "is anybody gonna hc a history of sexual abuse here??" and then don't wait for an answer adlkjfgh

this verse -- (dubbed "the Wesleyverse", after our OC priest, Father Wesley) -- began with "and i am not gonna think about the reputation the catholic church has for sexual abuse of young boys because i have already delivered plenty of trauma and angst upon my boys and it also it feels uncouth alkdfjhadgf 😅 bUT ALSO" which was met with a resounding "I WENT THERE TOO" from Cami, and it spiraled from there

i'm just saying, a quiet self-sufficient anxious boy with an unstable home life and who has already had the importance of keeping secrets drilled into him would be very convenient for a sexual predator. socially isolated and emotionally unfulfilled. the ignored child, the overlooked, no one's favorite -- desperate for the validation and attention that he doesn't get from his parents, at least not the way he wants it. resentful of his brothers and their specialness.

Father Wesley made him feel special. like he was the important one for once, more important than all the other boys, more important than Ronan who he could've chosen instead. Father Wesley gave Declan all the attention and praise and reassurance that he craved, and all it took was playing some private games. secret and unpleasant and ever-escalating "games" that made Declan feel bad in a variety of ways, but Declan was used to that. cleaning up after dad's and Ronan's dreams were games, according to Aurora, and those made him feel bad too. those were unpleasant too. those made him afraid too. those were things he couldn't tell anyone about too.

how is a 6yo supposed to know the difference between a secret that should be kept and a secret that shouldn't be? a game he has to play behind closed doors whether he wants to or not and a game he needs to tell a trusted adult about?

(there aren't many adults he trusts anyway. who is supposed to be more trustworthy than their priest? Father Wesley speaks for god, doesn't he? he's the highest authority. right?)

so anyway. all that lasted a while, maybe from ages 6 to 8, when Father Wesley stopped wanting to play with him. it took months for Declan to realize that he wasn't coming back, that for better or for worse it was over. (relieved, yes. hurt, also yes. abandoned. unfavorite. if Father Wesley doesn't love him anymore, does it mean god doesn't either?) he put it behind him, labeled it as over and done with, and he did everything he could to bury it and pretend it never happened. he never told anyone and he never intended to.

it's been 11 years since the abuse stopped, Wesley's been retired from St Agnes for 5 or 6 years, a whole lot of shit has happened and life has been very busy for Declan (set post-TRK, more or less lol). things are finally calming down a little bit. the Gray Man has the underground shit handled for the time being, he and Matthew are back in town (because reasons, don't ask about georgetown, it's not important) and his relationship with Ronan is stabilizing. everything is fine.

and then Father Wesley gets arrested.

Gansey forwards the article to Ronan. Ronan shows it to Declan when he's stopped by monmouth for whatever reason, like holy shit, this is crazy, can you believe this??? fucked up, amirite??

doesn't notice at first that Declan has gone completely still.

it isn't until he mentions that the police are going through all the evidence to see if they can identify the victims -- indicating that it's not just, ya know, possession of materials from the internet, but actual production, records of his actual abuse -- that Declan fucking bolts. and Ronan is like UMMM?? DON'T LIKE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT

and here's the thing about the Lynch brothers. they may not get along. they may have a lot of water under the bridge. they may be liable to attack each other at the drop of a hat. but the second someone else attacks one of them? they close ranks. Ronan may not like his brother all that much but it's still HIS brother, thank you very much, his family, and anybody who lays a fucking hand on him is gonna suffer the consequences.

he has to chase Declan down. checks his condo, checks his work, checks the Barns, even calls Matthew to ask if he's seen him. finally finds him at the absolute LAST place he expected -- the church. it's late afternoon on a tuesday or something and there's no one else there. it's just Declan, alone in the sanctuary, with a rosary that Ronan hasn't seen him actually use in years.

Ronan doesn't remember ever having seen Declan cry before, and he's not crying now but it's obvious that he has been. that he's fighting to keep control of himself now. says he came here to be alone.

Ronan says fuck that, he's not just gonna leave.

after a minute, Declan abruptly sits up, suddenly blank and businesslike and steady, and he tells Ronan to ask his questions. which is.........disturbing, for Ronan. because he's seen this face before. he's seen it a dozen, a hundred, a thousand times. it's the cool detachment that's always rubbed Ronan the wrong way, earned Declan accusations of being an unfeeling robot, someone who just didn't care as much as Ronan did about anything or anyone.

had this face always had all this under it? could he really just pull it on over top of.........of ALL THIS and pretend that none of those feelings were there?? hide them that well?? fucking hell.

Ronan refuses to ask any questions. he has plenty, of course, but he's not here to interrogate him. (he doesn't even know how to put his questions into words anyway, fuck, he's just trying to wrap his head around it.) Declan said he wanted to be alone, obviously he doesn't wanna talk about it, so Ronan is gonna sit here with him for as long as Declan wants to be here, and later if Declan wants to talk about it then, then they can talk about it, and if not, they won't, and that's it.

it's silent for a few minutes as Ronan sits stubbornly and tries not to look, but out of the corner of his eye he can see as Declan's face crumbles bit by bit. as he fights so hard to keep his composure and, without opposition to set himself against, fails.

(he's not used to Ronan not pushing back, not being combative or accusatory. he definitely never expected support. and it's hitting him that Ronan knows. that pretty soon, everyone in town is going to know. Henrietta is a small town, it's a gossipy church community, they're only a few years off from when predatory priests were headline news all over the world, this is not staying quiet. and there's evidence. identifiable evidence and a police investigation and calls being made to victims. there is no way that his name is staying out of this no matter what he does. the situation is officially outside of his control, and that's terrifying.)

he's never cried in front of Ronan before, not since they were very small children, but even his prodigious repression skills have a failure point and he's reached it. he's curled in on himself and there are gasping, gulping sobs in the silence of the empty church, and Ronan eventually throws caution to the wind and does what he would do if it were Matthew. he puts a hand on Declan's back, just maintaining contact, proving that he's there and he's not leaving.

........

SO ANYWAY

this verse goes on and on, my anon friend, this is the set up and we just kept spinning out the thread for literally a year at this point, i think it was jan 2023 that we started talking about this concept 😂 it's not always one linear narrative, we branch off into "ooh i wanna see when X happens" in a patchwork kinda fashion, just rolling around in the sandbox and exploring the premise and also all the relationships and the way this particular trauma interacts with all the other traumas and also Ronan and Matthew's traumas and all their dynamics with each other.

Cami and i lean toward the self-indulgence of letting the Lynches actually make the occasional healthy and productive choice, because there is nothing more cathartic and satisfying to us than having them actually talk to each other, so by god these little fuckers are communicating in a semi-functional manner most of the time. they love each other, goddamn it, they're gonna fucking act like it. also about 30k in we finally got Declan into therapy 😂😂😂 good god he needs it, lmao.

.......i also accidentally got REALLY INVESTED in an OC, Jeremy, who was Father Wesley's next victim, the one he moved on to after Declan. i did not mean to start shipping Matthew and Jeremy, but here i am, a Meremy stan. i love them. #otp

so. lemme know if you want more, lol. i've got so so much more alkfdjh

#and the answer is #Anonymous #Declan Lynch #Ronan Lynch #TRC #fics by me #in a manner of speaking #wesleyverse #csa tw #rape tw

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wen-kexing-apologist · 1 year ago

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Bengiyo Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 3: Faith and Religion. The films in Unit 3 are: But I’m a Cheerleader (2000), Prayers for Bobby (2009), Latter Days (2003), Blackbird (2014), The Wise Kids (2011), Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party (2015)

Today I will be writing about

Prayers for Bobby (2009) dir. Russel Mulcahy

[Run Time: 1:30 , Available on: Hulu or Lifetime with memberships (i thought I saw Hulu in a list of companies to boycott because #zionist but it is the internet and I tried to research and could not find anything…either way I watched it like someone who sails the high seas) , Language: English]

Content Warning: suicide

ADDITIONAL WARNING, THIS IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Summary: True story of Mary Griffith, gay rights crusader, whose teenage son committed suicide due to her religious intolerance. Based on the book of the same title by Leroy Aarons.

Cast: * Sigourney Weaver as Mary Griffith, religious homophobe turned gay rights activist after the death of her son * Ryan Kelley as Bobby Griffith (this actor was the voice of Ben Tennyson in Ben 10!) * Scott Bailey as David, Bobby’s boyfriend * Dan Butler as The Rev. Whitsell, reverend for a Methodist Church Bobby starting attending because the church was safe for gays.

I have a feeling that this reflection may get more personal than usual. It was strange watching this movie and seeing Bobby’s experiences with his family and finding points of familiarity in my experience with my own, despite the fact that I did not grow up religious.

And to be clear here, when I came out, I did not get sent to conversion therapy, I was not subjected to 90% of what Bobby went through in his household but, I recognize myself in him. Bobby’s sister calls him the family favorite, Bobby’s sister calls him perfect. Bobby knows the pressure and the isolation that comes from being seen that way and knowing you are anything but. It always feels strange to complain about being the known favorite, but the slight hint of bitterness from family that you love feels fucking terrible, especially because you have no say in how people see you. A fall from the pedestal is scary, the scrutiny you are under is intense.

Bobby has The Knowing, I did not. I didn’t realize or at least admit that I was queer until I was 22, Bobby is still in high school, Bobby is hearing his grandmother say queers should be lined up and shot. I was hearing my uncle say the same. I was seeing my father literally recoil and cover his eyes the first time he saw gay sex on screen. I knew who his friends were, and what their beliefs are, and there was never room for me to ever entertain the question.

Bobby’s family finds out, in ways Bobby has no control over. My mother forced a confession from me about my gender identity. Bobby’s father tells him he probably hasn’t met the right girl yet, when his father hears he’s gay. My mother told me I probably hadn’t found the right boy yet after she found out I was bi.

Bobby’s family is desperate to save his soul from hell, they put him through so many things, when he moves to Portland, his mother hands him a new Bible. I knew someone who learned that I was queer, and came back with a copy of their holy book.

At the beginning of the film, Bobby is established to have a good, strong, and loving bond with his mother. As a kid I did too. Bobby’s family tells him that they love him, they say it all the time, and then they learn he’s queer, and they still tell him that they love but they do not acknowledge or accept his identity, they do not listen to him when he tries to share his feelings, his parents never grow. My mom has not used the right pronouns for me once since she made me come out to her two years ago, despite several conversations with me, and with a friend of hers who has a nonbinary child.

All of which to say I know what Bobby is feeling when his parents say they love him, but make no action to change it. I feel within my soul the resignation when his cousin tells him “you all seemed so close” and when he replies “well, that’s over with”. Bobby’s mother told him she would not have a gay son, Bobby knew she meant it. My father told me once that he could live perfectly happily without me, and I knew he meant it. I see echos in Bobby.

But I was not raised religious, I do not believe in heaven or in hell, and as a result, I do not know what it is to be told, to grow up with The Knowing, hearing that no matter what, no matter who you are, or how much good you do, you are doomed to suffer for all eternity for something that you cannot change. I do not know what it is to have a fear of hellfire held over you for all your life.

I do not know, and cannot understand what it must feel like to know that your mother believes so adamantly that she can ‘heal’ you, absolve you of this sin, and understand that all the harm she is doing to you, comes from a corrupted place of love. When Bobby dies, does he think his mother loves him?

“I know my mom means well, but I don’t know if she’ll ever accept me,” Bobby tells his boyfriend, and David replies “Just don’t stop trying”. I don’t know what David went through, I do not know what he relationship to his parents was like when he came out. But having to break yourself open time and time again, having to basically beg to be seen is fucking exhausting. I do not know if David knows that.

I both love and hate these little hints that Bobby is approaching a suicide attempt, giving away his parachute pants to his brother, dissociating during work, reaching out to people who are supposed to be in his safety network, leaving his work keys on the table. The camera work itself, they switch from a steady cam to a shaky cam as he calls David. His world is unstable, he can’t find solid ground. I like that the movie warns you that this plot point is coming right at the beginning of the film, when we see Bobby stroll along the overpass. I think it is important that Bobby thinks of moments of joy mixed in with moments of sadness as he contemplates for just a little longer whether or not it is worth it to stop trying. And honestly, because I am petty and his mother was fucking cruel, I am kind glad that the last thing we see before he decides to fall is his mother telling him she will not have a gay son. No parent should ever had to suffer the loss of their child, Bobby should not have had to die for his mother to make these changes in her thinking, but for as much as the Reverend tells Mary she did not kill Bobby, the narrative does not absolve her of the role she played in hurting Bobby.

Now, I famously had an extremely strong reaction to a moment in 180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us because it hit too close to home, so I was actually somewhat surprised that I was not having stronger emotional reactions to the first half of the film, watching Bobby be hurt. Maybe that’s because it was familiar, maybe it is because I knew to expect it, maybe it’s because I was shell shocked at hearing that Bobby’s therapy only cost $60 an hour). But hoo boy did I start having strong emotions after Bobby died.

I was downright seething as I sat there, listening to this Reverand give a eulogy for Bobby, where he calls Bobby lost, says that he has strayed, says that he gave in to temptation.

AT HIS FUNERAL

AT THIS YOUNG MAN’S FUNERAL

And that anger just sat, it sat there in my chest as I heard Bobby’s mother ask Bobby’s grandma if she thought that Bobby was in heaven or in hell. Mary loves her son, Mary can not imagine a world where her son burns for all eternity, Mary needs to hear from someone that her son is at peace in heaven, where he is safe and where she can see him again. But no one will tell her that. Not her family, not her church. And it struck me too, that the way Bobby’s grandmother speaks about queer people, the way Bobby’s grandmother cannot find it within herself to say “Of course he is in heaven” is part of why I never came out to my grandmother. Now, I do not envision a world where my grandmother would have as intense a response to my queerness as Bobby’s grandmother did, but she was old southern, and my dad’s side of the family is fairly traditional. My grandmother passed away last month without me having shared my whole self with her. One of the last things she said to me before she died was that she was proud of me, I was never willing to risk losing that. I saw that fear in Bobby’s eyes when he heard his grandma say queers should be killed. I hated Bobby’s brother for not understanding how much Bobby was set to lose if he outed him.

Initially I thought, because this movie was relatively short, that Mary would have a faster growth arc. I thought that what would make her question her faith, her belief that homosexuality is sinful, was the fact that David, a gay man, was the only person to praise her son, “he was an amazing young man”, without qualifiers. The reverend, his grandmother could not remember only the positive things about him, they had to focus on how much of a sinner he was. This dead boy.

But I honestly much prefer that it takes Mary time to reckon with everything. That we think perhaps the needle is moving forward when she takes David’s hand, only to throw out the plate he touched and wash her hands the second he has left the house. I like that she goes to her church, and she does not find the answers she wants, I love that she goes to the church Bobby popped in to from time to time, the one that was accepting of gay people, and that she immediately picks a fight with the reverend while also needing him to calm her grief.

You know what I love? Visible and intentional acts of empathy from someone who is very much having to put in some effort. One of my absolute favorite scenes in this entire film was the second conversation Mary has with Reverand Whitsell. He’s setting up for a rummage sale at the church, and this random, homophobic lady comes walking in to essentially debate him about his interpretation of the Bible compared to hers. And you can tell from his voice, from the stiffness of his movements, from the way he interacts with Mary that he is annoyed. I don’t think it is explicitly stated that Rev. Whitsell is queer, but he reads that way to me, because the way he handles Mary very much feels like a gay person having to explain for the 20th time why they deserve to have rights. But he is a holy man, he view’s God as compassion, and so despite the fact that he is clearly not wanting to have this conversation, he has it anyway. Because he knows that Mary is lost, and confused, and that she has no life line. And it would not be very Godly of him to turn her away.

For/By/About

This movie was made as a learning tool for homophobic Christians. It provides debate around the book of Leviticus a la West Wing. It feels very preachy, and I think that is because it is supposed to be.

So I would say this is a By and About piece at most, because this movie is adapted from the book, and Bobby makes the story. The director is queer as well.

Favorite Moment

My favorite moment of the film is a tragic one, Mary is at work when the Griffith’s family gets the news that Bobby has passed. I like the build up to that scene for Mary, who is told by her coworker that her husband wants to speak with her, and that she should bring her purse. The audience at this point knows Bobby is dead, and so we know that the purpose of the visit is to break the news, and that she needs her purse because they are going to have to go recover the body. But Mary does not know this, and so, it is another average boring day at work, and one of her kids is probably here because they need money. There is no hint of anxiety or concern around this divergence from her typical work day. And she is literally in the process of pulling money out of her wallet when she sees her husband.

My favorite moment in this movie is when Mary learns that Bobby is dead, and she cannot get out of work. Like, obviously, she is not going back to work, but physically she works behind metal gate with a mechanical locking mechanism that has to be unlocked by someone in a different location. And so she is trying to get out, she is screaming “help me, let me out, let me out, my son is dead, let me out” and all we see is Mary’s face desperate, her hands clutching at the door handle desperately trying to leave…

…and all you can see is that she’s caged. She is stuck, she is trapped. And this is a motif from Bobby’s voice overs. Bobby talks multiple times in this film about feeling alone, about wanting to be free. And here his mother is, alone, and wanting to be free. I think it is a really beautiful visual metaphor for this harmful belief Mary is stuck in, one that she needs to break out of.

We end with Mary attending P-FLAG events, speaking at council meetings to argue for a pride day to be recognized by their town, and marching in the San Francisco Pride Parade, and it feels earned, because they didn’t rush her growth. She had to go to the Reverend so many times, she had to talk to so many people, she had to listen to so many people, before she was able to wholly change her views on homosexuality.

Favorite Quote

“She smiled at something I said, and I saw in her eyes that for a second she forgot what she really thinks of me. The anger never erupts. My timid nature would never allow a full fledged thunderstorm to occur. But it’s there, on the horizon…”

Like I said, there are experiences Bobby has that feel familiar to me, that ignite these little sparks of recognition, and there was no place in the film I saw myself reflected back as strongly as when I heard Bobby talk about his anger.

Bobby holds anger, it sits around his edges, he holds his anger in. And that is me. I grew up in a household with a father who never capped his anger, he erupted all the time, he left shrapnel in his wake. I have my father’s anger, I hate that, over the years I have dedicated a large amount of energy towards tending to that horizon.

I have never been more angry in my entire life, than the first time I came home after talking with my mother about my gender identity, and having her misgender me for weeks straight. I have never wanted to erupt more, to blow up more, to scream, cry, or die more than when she asked me to do things for her, for the household, for my grandparents, every single day, while refusing to acknowledge my identity (and not expecting any labor from my brother, but that’s beside the point here).

I am not suicidal, I have never been suicidal, but the way the anger that festered when so much work, hours of manual and emotional labor were asked of me in my disabled, burnt out body, while my family could not be fucked to fix a pronoun, fucking scared me.

I will never know how Bobby truly felt, I will never know how much Bobby truly suffered, but I can guess, I know what emotions I carried in my body when I was being told some of the same things Bobby was, I know the toll it took on my mental health to hear my mother, two years after I told her I was bi, say that she doubted that was the case, because I just hadn’t found the right man yet. And it fucking sucked.

And I love being queer, there was a part of me that felt hollow for so long that was filled when I realized who I was. Bobby had to deal with figuring out self-acceptance and self-love from a very different starting point than me. Bobby did not want to be gay, Bobby was willing to try to be “healed”, so I cannot imagine how deep his anger, loneliness, and hopeless ran.

Score

10/10 for how much it made me reflect on my own experiences with family and queerness. Bobby seemed like a wonderful person, and it is nothing but a tragedy that he is not with us today, just like all the other people we have lost far too soon.

#cw: suicide #prayers for bobby #prayers for bobby (2009)#queer cinema syllabus #lgbtq films #bengiyo queer cinema syllabus #unit 3

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longeyelashedtragedy · 10 months ago

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2023 post

i'm struggling through this with a kind of broken keyboard (sticky M U J keys) so bear with me!

because the last month of this year has been such a fucking nightmare (that i'll be working to remove myself from come tuesday) i realized that the good things that happened this year kind of escaped me.

cause--this year was good, in ways that as always with my life cannot be seen by the outside world. it was a messy year but some things changed that i still haven't fully made sense of.

-this year i met so many cool people on here, or got closer to some other people who i'd known before. if "meeting cool people on tumblr" was a skill you could put on your resume, i would definitely feel qualified to put it on my resume, but this year i feel like i just got acquainted with a really high quality group of people (all who support different teams, too!) and that's been so much fun and rewarding as well. i always feel a bit guarded telling people that i care about them but...i do. a lot!

-this june i went on a #YOLO trip to the netherlands that i could not afford but even now when i see my charming credit card debt i have to say i have No Regerts. i got to meet two of these tumblr friends who i've been close to for long enough that they've transcended "internet friend" for me and feel like Friends I've Known a Long Time. we had such a comfortable and fun time travelling together, to a place i've wanted to visit since i was young, and the benefit of meeting Tumblr Friends in real life is that you can make sure everyone's brain needs are taken care of! together we went to see italy beat NL (feat. virg van d slur in the flesh) in the stadium and then watched croatia lose to spain in the basement of a sports bar in utrecht and they got to see that it's 100% true that i cry during the croatian national anthem before the game 😂 i got to do so many bucket list things--visit the rijksmuseum, go solo to delft and see all the vermeer places and settings of my favorite book, girl with a pearl earring (and accidentally wander into a government building looking for a church, whoops), and see the girl with a pearl earring herself for the second time, but this time at her home in the mauritshuis. also i took a lot of fun trains and like every time i go from american Big Corn Syrup and Weird Additives food to europe, everything i ate was good as fuck. and i slept in a pod for two nights! i have the opposite of claustrophobia (claustro...philia? lol) so that slapped. so great, and getting to meet up with friends who live on the other side of an ocean is so fucking special.

-LAMPARDVERSE! nuff said, but it's been an absolute blast getting to co-create it and research all the lore. this is just the beginning, long may it live!!! also thanks to you all for putting up with me blasting a white english chelsea man on your dashes. it will happen again.

-irl stuff...the most unexpected. this year i was able to comfortably become friendly with people who are quite different from me. i was confident in the parts of my personality that are Different--i had fun owning it, and i saw that people really like that person. the craziest thing was that a huge obstacle in my path was that cptsd causes me to feel physically uncomfortable around people, even people i like, aside from emotional discomfort, but the thing is when your body is getting physical danger signals they're extremely difficult to "ignore" (for a reason!) or put aside to focus on the mental stuff.

this year i just went for it--went through months of extremely draining and uncomfortable "exposure therapy" by way of forcing myself to try to stay present in conversations with people i knew i liked, even if the conversations/their presence freaked me out and drained me. (i'm not some magical uwu inspiration/good luck miracle, for anyone who might be in this situation and feel envious--i've been in intense therapy since 2013, do a lot of my own mental work in between, and take two different medications. it took me 10 years to get there! i say this cause there is no shame in the hard work.) importantly, with the people i felt i trusted enough and whose opinion of me i valued enough for them to know the truth, i just told them what was going on with me. not in any graphic detail or TMI, but i told them one of the things that has a big impact on how i present to the outside world (i suffer from trauma), what this trauma suffering looks like to the outsider (sometimes i stop talking altogether in a conversation, and not just that, but i zone out so hard that it looks like i'm not even paying attention, even though sometimes i still am), and what it means about how i feel about them/how they should take it (it means nothing at all, so please please don't take it personally)

they took this level of openness and honesty very well, and i found that telling them these limitations of mine helped to set me free. not living with the lifetime fear of being "found out," not having to worry while i was having a Trauma Moment that people were thinking badly of me and that it was severely impacting my socialization--all of this suddenly helped me start staying in the present while talking to people and while people were talking to me. and not just stay in the present but--ENJOY it. get something out of it. and, to show my work-friends that even though i have a lot of things not in common with them--that that's cool, and we still have plenty of things we do have in common

the kindness people have shown me this year after Seeing Me and getting to know me was unreal. i don't know how to process it. (this applies to you guys on tumblr too!). so many things have happened this fall and so many things were said to me that i never, ever, EVER thought i would be able to experience. i hope this lasts and i hope i can build on this in the new year.

so yeah...this year was...something alright. i'm always an even age in an even year and the evens are never as good for me as the odds (other than like, age 14. that was a good time.) but let's hope for the best.

now, i hate new year's eve/day, so let's get this shit over with!

#originals #writing this with this wretched keyboard was a nightmare #macbook keys are just scary to remove! the last thing i need is an actually broken laptop lol

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elodieunderglass · 10 months ago

Text

I think a couple of things combine: you now have enough experience in the persistence of material objects to understand that if they don’t actively fail, they continue to define the shape of your material existence. The four stainless steel forks you randomly bought for your first place are now the forks you might, conceivably, have for the rest of your life.

You also have experience of the world around you. You realize, by comparison with your friends who like nice things, that your forks are shit. Incidentally, you also realise that despite having made choices that were defined by being broke or frugal, you do not actually get points for having shitty thin-handled forks that are annoying to use. You don’t get respect or appreciation or comfort or pleasure. After ten years of use out of $5 cutlery, you have inarguably gotten your money’s worth. You will get nothing else from them. You only get, forever, the experience of using shitty forks.

You have probably lived on your own for a few years now, perhaps even for more than a decade. Some items have fallen behind and been lost, thrown away, broken or failed; both others are still your companions. Depending on how nice they are, this is a source of comfort and frustration. Love to the hiking boots that have lasted! Affection and allegiance to the 20 year old band t-shirt! Disgust to the t-shirt bought last year that is sent to recycling for being so shit. Increasing admiration to the grand-grandmother’s mixing bowl, especially compared to the 2016 purchase of a mixing bowl that couldn’t handle the fast-paced lifestyle. Annoyance, disappointment and sorrow to smartphone case number 241, what the fuck. Smug pride in oneself for having the foresight, in an earlier house move, to splash out on a decent new mattress. As these items persist, you cannot help but notice that quality of materials/items is now obvious and visible, because you’ve spent more time with them. A 22-year old newly in possession of two knives - a cheap shitty kitchen knife and a good one they inherited - will have spent the same amount of time with both objects; when you’re 30, you’ve worked for 8 years with the good knife, while the cheap one (if you even recall ever having it) was thrown out in a fit of annoyance six years ago.

You have, at this point, in addition to using them, also handled and cleaned most of your possessions several times. You have realized, very materially and fundamentally, that you must care for these items for the rest of your lifespan, or theirs.

You are (possibly) out of the early desperate scramble to suddenly, instantly furnish an entire independent life (sheets, mattresses, winter coat, forks) with no money. This naturally led to restrictions on what you chose.

You are (possibly) out of the eaves of how you were raised. Many people spend their early twenties reconciling how they were raised with how they want to live. Perhaps you were raised to feel guilty for wanting things, such as toys or attention, which you later dutifully applied to things like education or new forks. Over time, you will have surprised yourself with how you met, identified, addressed, and reconciled these tensions from your upbringing; through conflict and resolution with parents/teachers/church/internet/social media, you have now arrived at what you have. If you had big things to confront, like coming out as queer, you may have thought this work was done. Now you suddenly find yourself confronting the weird beliefs you have that “you don’t NEED new forks” or “it’s bourgeois to want things” or “NOBODY spend £200 on HIKING BOOTS, what are you, rich?” And you might find yourself feeling like, well, actually, I’m grown-up and I hike and eat, actually.

So yes, I think that when you are 30 you are in the danger zone of getting a new couch.

I'm turning 30 this month, and for some reason have become suddenly interested in material possessions. like what if,,,,,,,,my couch was nice. what if my sheets were nice. is this what happens to you??

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pwblogarchive · 3 months ago

Text

February 2006

February 1, 2006

paris in a flash. breath in the air. love is the kind of magic you save for when you are cornered. its your backup. sing a scandal. papparazi on songs. tu es belle.

2/1/06 Q&A

question

are you aware that people are saying that theyll go to many of your shows on the black clouds and underdogs tour that they really arent going to go to? i noticed on the my local bands thing that people from arizona said that theyre going to the columbia show. does this mean theyre getting more points than everyone else? is this fair? what about all the honest kids out there that just want to see you guys and have fun? thanks! love you pete!

answer

we’re weeding out the cheaters. dont worry. keeping it honest will pay off in the end.

question

hey pete, at the aol sessions thing, why was andy in a whole different room? k well shelby

answer

he smells terrible. no. well haha- in order to record live drums and have it sound okay its better to isolate each instrument- especially with cymbals.

question

Yo Pete. I got my bamboozle tickets and I was wondering…are you guys gonna play like 4 songs, or a full set?

answer

we are most definitely going to play a full set.

question

have u ever taken a naked picture with nothing but a box of frosted flakes covering ur pieces and spaces? my myspace friend tony has… get it cuz tony the tiger……

answer

doesnt he wear like a bandana? thats kind of erotic.

question

PETER! So are you really engaged and having a baby?

answer

totally. we live in a castle in the sky and my backyard is made out of clouds. its real great except for when the dragon comes around.

question

hey love…my little sister is getting major surgery next week (7yrs old)….shes getting a feeding tube put into her stomach, and this time theyre going to have to move her organs around and try not to puncture them…and she loves you and patrick, you especially (she only listens to songs where she hears you in it..screaming)so if you have anything to say to her…cuz shes a wreck over this…she should be…and any suggestions for me, because…right now shes emotionally stronger over this than i am…i just keep on thinking if something goes wrong….anyway, thanx pete

answer

prettymuch you just need to think positively. you have not been made sisters by a series of accidents or coincidences. clearly, you love eachother and the best thing you can do is be there for her. ill think about her before i go to sleep tonight.

question

I heard that FOB is breaking up is it true xo

answer

no way. we are on our second honeymoon.

question

Ive never met you. All I know about you are internet rumors and what is on this website. And for some reason I find this easier to say to you than anyone I know. Im going through a really hard time in my life, where I feel that I dont fit in. Even with my close friends. At church, at home, everywhere. I dont even know myself now. Im so confused about everything, Im questioning my own religion, my morals, whats right and wrong…everything. I dont know what to do, and I have times when I just want to give up. I keep a razor in the drawer next to my bed just in case. I need help…and I dont feel like I can tell anyone, but just typing this all down makes me feel slightly better, knowing that maybe someone might read this and care about a small town nobody gives me enough strength to go on for another day.

answer

i totally understand what you are saying. i wish i could say that it all goes away, but i think these are things that will plague us all until our deathbed. i would definitely throw the razor away, you dont need it- its not a solution- sometimes its easier to take it kind of one breath at a time… you know? its easier in small steps.

question

What does “im two quarters in a heart down” mean?

answer

i was trying to through to someone on a payphone, it was a 50 cent call from where i was to them.

February 2, 2006

1:16 pm

this city helps me forget love doesn't bore me. it disappoints me. there is a pile of lamps and clocks stuck on 11:11. cause i wish i could fucking believe you.

February 6, 2006

Amsterdam to los angeles.

I am in love with being home.

If you come out to the house of blues in la tommorrow we are playing a super smal show with: jacks mannequin and shiny toy guns. Its already sold out but were gonna give out 5 free tickets. Don’t get your hopes too high.

You aren’t my goodluck charm anymore.

February 7, 2006

momma and poppa are cute. they were all at the hob la show. my dad says "will you please introduce your mother to jay-z". jigga and my mommy totally chatted.

wow.

oh and the show was amazing.

- petey

2/07/06 Q&A

question

Sometimes you write about seeing “old fall out boy fans” at shows. How can you tell? No way you recognize all those faces. Also, I just wanted to say that my first memory of FOB was in the local section (i guess cause andy is from menomonee falls and the store was in milwaukee) of a record store by my house a few years ago & now the same band is on TV & t-shirts across the nation. fall out boy: what a trip.

answer

my visual memory is pretty good. usually i can remember faces. sometimes i am off. but i definitely remember kids in every single town. i can’t remember any names ever- my auditory memory is terrible.

question

JT LeRoy mystery solved: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11215643/page/2/

answer

disappointing.

February 8, 2006

5:04 am

so you want the truth been living just outside of okay for awhile now. but its changing. whatever story you heard about me is not true. im pretty sure im not gonna bring home a grammy tommorrow. but i will have lots of good pictures. how i am feeling about someone is always changing. except i am allowed to be happy inside my head right now. ive been scared of everything for far too long. i haven't let myself be alright. but ive done alot of thinking on the 12 hour flight here. i just like being around certain people. new friends make my heart flutter. old ones make me feel homesick. been going to grammy parties all week. yeah im that guy in the corner lurking hard. its kinda creepy. ive been training the last month for our video- however i think i may have sprained or fractured my foot in the last day. if this thing turns out the way it is supposed to- it will be the most epic thing fall out boy has ever done. i dont miss you but i do miss the idea of you. i went and looked at houses out in california again today- i want to get a dog and a backyard. maybe not just yet. but maybe. my clock is ticking on your pretty face. my dad got drunk tonight and talked shit to all of my friends. pretty amazing. i wish i had it on video. total release the bats two material. i want to do a tv show like the wonder years starring fall out boy. i don't think any networks would be too interested. dont call it a comeback. put pennies on my eyes when i die. you are new moons and fresh sheets and the end of that one dream. love the fancy kid.

2/09/06 Q&A

question

do you ever wish you could start life all over again?

answer

yes. i think about it all the time. i would try and be more honest and not make so many mistakes.

question

I am holding my breath until the new Fall Out Boy video. When do you expect it to be finished?

answer

itll be done filming on tuesday- i promise you this is one of a kind. do not expect dance, dance again.

2/10/06

question

In the video Dance, Dance, you wispered to Patrick something. What did you whisper? And what was your favorite album and video that you made?

answer

“ive got to pee so bad”

question

pete, are you and ashlee simpson sexing?? ~the boardies P.S. she doesnt love you like we do

answer

okay just because this question has been asked one million times— we are friends. she is a sweet girl. ps- i could never lololove a girl as much as the boardies.

question

so what products do you use to keep your face blemish free?

answer

pore cleanser, reinvigorator, and a t-zone moisturizer by ponds.

question

why is Patrick the on;y one who smiles in like all of your albums and postres and stuff? i mean i was looking at the cover to “take tis to your grave” and patrick was the only one smiling.

answer

he makes us all super sad right before the pictures are taken always. and then smiles cause he likes it when people are sad. or the other answer is i dunno.

February 19, 2006

things that both currently annoy and amuse me:

ariplanes

"hottie mchottie" and other hilarious lines that should not be said.

east coast weather.

west coast girls.

yawning.

being awake all night.

i am tired.

- petey

February 19, 2006

posted from petes friends or enemies blog

February 19, 2006

i feel like howl from howls moving castle embodies every single feeling that goes through my head.

that is all. i am in the lobby of a hotel in new york city waiting for something that isn't ever going to happen.

i am calculating all of the legs and drunken stutters. i am precise. i am a machine. i am a hot mess.

- petey

February 19, 2006

i heard fall out boy on the radio for pretty much one of the first times ever last night. it made me once again realize that 99 percent of the reason anyone will ever like this band is because patrick has the best voice on the planet. that kid is the golden ticket.

i want a girl that wont laugh at anyone elses jokes.

i want a girl i can love in hour increments.

i want all of my ex loves to love me forever.

the new video will suprise you.

pictures soon at:

www.clandestine.buzznet.com

www.friendsorenemies.com

February 19, 2006

we put the f.u. back in fun so ive been reading many peoples diatribes lately. about what punk rock is and how bullshit this whole scene is. about how we all need to fuck off and die. well the truth is youre so fucking brave and i am so fucking cliche. i am okay with that. but i believe in these songs and these eyes and these sweated out rooms. the words your write hurt my eyes and my back is sore from being hunched over the screen all night. you cheapen what i do by casually throwing barbed statements at my friends and fans. leave. we don't fucking need you. we dont care what you think about us. we dont need to sit in clubs and watch you excuse yourself to the bathroom every 20 minutes, just cause we know how it goes. we dont need to watch you onstage. the best songs sing themselves. ive said it since day one. this is my rushmore. this saved me. fuck you for trying to ruin it. new songs are my middle finger back to you. im sorry youre gonna have to wait awhile to hear yourself called out through the speakers. i love the way they always ask to see my room key when i walk into my hotel at night. like i do not belong. because i do not belong. i love opposition. i love the haters. i love mondays. i love accidents. i love "no more chances". i love walking through this city at night where i do not know anyone. because i do not know anyone. i love secret shows. i love coded messages. i love the way you have me figured out so much better than i have myself figured out.

xo peterabbit

2/19/06 Q&A

question

thank you for not making craptastic videos. Will continue with the making of noncrappiful videos with this next one?

answer

well see. i think this one is gonna be a 180 degree change. i hope you like it.

question

Is the world ever going to be luck enough to get a Fueled By Ramen tour? Say with you guys, the academy is…, panic! at the disco, and days away? Or any other of the Fueled By Ramen crew?

answer

we are planning a decaydance tour for next summer possibly- tai, panic, gym class, and a couple others are all possible tourmates.

question

p33t!please give us some hints about the video?!? do you know when its going to be finished for our viewing pleasure?

answer

okay think kungfu hustle meets the lost boys meets the warriors.

2/22/06

question

Lately it seems like you, not as a band, but as a person have been undergoing a lot of minor changs, which together are seeming to make you an unrecognizable person to some. Is the Wentz we all came to know and trust really deteriorating in front of us? You guys, and your music, and your humor are a stable thing in the lives of many, and the idea that you wont be staying as we thought we knew you for even just now honestly scares the shit out of me. Are the few of us going to have to distance ourselves before we end up following and befriending something we cant even recognize, or are you still for better or worse going to be the ingenious, hilarious smartass we see you as?

answer

i dont know how to answer this question. i think if i was truly deteriorating before you i would still answer that i wasn’t because id feel nervous revealing that. at the same time i feel that i love more and more spending afternoons walking through this city by myself away from all of this nonsense. if that makes any sense. i dont really know who you know me as- i dont really know who i know myself as- i am sorry i dont have a better answer. i am as confused as you.

question

Does Patrick know that he is my Schmexy lil Lepricon?? because he really really is.

answer

wow. haha. i will be sure to pass it along.

question

I miss the old Peter , bangs , eyeliner and all . Im so sad.

answer

the old peter didn’t have any of those things. its just a hair cut. its just makeup. its just my bone structure. its just a picture. focus one evrything else there is- the words, the music, the laughs, the jokes, the connection, the sweaty haze in the room right before the last song. everything is gonna be ok. patrick, pete, joe, and andy are making a new record and a video to scare off anyone that ever thought any of us were pretty.

question

peter, youre such a dino-whore. can we expect you and the guys to be doing any skits on SNL?

answer

question

you and hey chris arent friends anymore. sadness. do you think this will be ever resolved and you guys will be friends again?

answer

im only answering this question so it will not be asked again: i don’t believe in bringing or speaking about situations with my friends or family online. they are the only part of my life that i guard intensely. i hope that you will respect that. what goes on with me and chris is between me and chris and i have never and will never address it online or milk it for attention.

2/24/06

question

will we be getting a pre-MTV look at the A Little Less Sixteen Candles a Little More Touch Me music video like we did with Dance,Dance? The few pics i saw reminded me of Michael Jackson for some reason.

answer

there will be more and more pictures over at www.friendsorenemies.com - im not sure if we’ll have a video preview ready in time. this thing is gonna be different. don’t expect 80s highschool movies and usher dancing -

2/26/06

question

why is pete such an asshole and patrick such a sweetheart?

answer

hahaha. true. when we were being made into a boyband by lou pearlman he was like: patrick you are gonna be the shy guy and pete you are gonna be the badboy with attitude. i cant help it. you dont argue with lou.

question

PETE YOU MAN WHORE BAND NAMES. PLEASE

answer

caps lock does not make up for not using enough words to be understood.

question

can you help me think of a new away message

answer

blinkhurleyiheartbilljoe41: “hi, i am outside breathing oxygen. the sunlight hurts my beady little eyes cause i sit in a dark room on the internet all day and night. my legs feel wobbly because i have been looking a n00ds all day. please be my friend in real life and not just on the dorkweb.”

question

I want to go to a secret show obviously, but where are we supoosed to look for these “clues”?

answer

they are all over the place. look hard: clandestine.buzznet.com - friendsorenemies.com - www.fueledbyramen.com

question

Pete, the new october fall cd is amazing. will you please tell Patrick that I think his voice is amazing in that song. his voice is always amazing, but there is just something else to his voice in Second Chances!! and now for my question… is decaydance looking at any new bands that you might sign in the near future?? Youshouldsignfictioncityyoushouldsignfictioncity!!!

answer

thank you… october fall should suprise some people i think… we are always looking for new bands. i will check them out.

question

which person from the simpsons would you most like to date??and why.:0

answer

hahaha tricky….. hmmm. marge i guess. but you know she has a BOYFRIEND.

question

Why is it that the songs do not match their titles?

answer

they do.

question

Im thinking of selling my PATD ticket, persuade me that seeing them will be worth the expenses!

answer

listen to their record. that is your persuasion. trust me.

question

Pete, Ive had a hard time talking to anyone about this, so I just thought that I could say it to you. Recently my Nan died. This has been my first experience with death in my family. Ive been distraught, but no ones really talked to me about it. I keep thinking that my mom or dad or one of my sisters will die, and Im always worrying about them. Its really driving me crazy. I dont know how to get past all this. Thanks for reading this. Your music is what has kept me going this long. x

answer

ive felt this before. its strange how the more you watch tv and the world around you- the more you think about people around you dying. it can drive you crazy. it can make you hang on too tightly. to me the only answer is to treasure the people around you. so youll never feel like you missed out. live every day.

February 28, 2006

3:50 pm (from HeyChris)

an open letter to pete wentz.

it takes a lot to make me mad.

it takes even more to infuriate me.

so, after all this time i finally learned the truth. that it was you telling my ex girlfriend lies and secrets. despite even giving you the pass card after i caught you trying to talk dirty to her online, this is how you repay me? no wonder why you couldnt look me in the eye on the bus last summer and no wonder why you avoided me every chance you got.

you hug me and tell me you love me then you tell lies to my girlfriend behind my back to lure her away from me? you tell her i cheat on her and then you tell me to come stay on the bus?

you are a spineless fucking sham.

i regret every second i spent defending you and your selfish ways.

dont forget, i know you. not that shitty glammed up poser image you present to the masses to consume. the dude i knew never would have worn a fucking dinosaur shirt or sold out one of his friends. the dude i knew had heart and fucking loyalty. well lil buddy, you are fucking done.

you want to sell me out to the most important person in my life and then have the audacity to make ME think I did something wrong to not deserve your friendship? you fucking arrogant bastard.

since we're discussing sellouts lets discuss how when kids give you presents you laugh at them and throw it straight in the trash. oh yeah, ive seen it many times. lets talk about how you talk shit about the fat girls that are your fans and mock their letters. you are fucking undeserving of every ounce of attention you've ever gotten. from every one of your calculated business moves to your "spontaneous" jumps in the crowd parts to your well rehearsed cliche lines you've been spouting for 400 shows in a row. you're boring, contrived and old. "oooh, no one loves me, its sooo hard being on magazine covers and tv shows. someone save me from me." what are you, fucking 12? go light your little candles ask yourself why no one will ever truly love you. its amazing no one has caught on to your little fucking show. you're nothing more than a shitty opportunist business man with even shittier fashion sense.

so pack up and move to whatever million dollar house you've picked out in california paid for by your lies and hypocrisy and deceit and selfishness and over medicate yourself like youve been doing for years...because guess what? no one wants you here anymore. you are not welcome.

oh yeah, hows that straight edge tattoo doing? as well as the tattoo for your "crew" who now refer to you as a fraud and a con? stay gold dude, stay gold.

remember this each night of the tour when you play the lie, "hey chris, you were our only friend."

downplay it all you want by saying the song is about "friends", but guess whos fucking name you're saying each and every night? mine. thats right. what a bunch of fucking phonies. sing the songs you dont even believe in anymore. fucking liar.

you know the friends i have and you know how we feel about loyalty.

you know who im talking about and you know they're not happy either.

so dont get caught slipping and you better make damn sure you watch whos on your guest list because a plus one might come backstage to punch your fucking teeth out and tear the windpipe from your throat.

you fucking sell out.

oh, and next time you decide to write another song about me, do it right you fucking coward.

**********REPOST EVERYWHERE YOU CAN****************

Current Music: the promise - crush all fakes."

oh what a monster we've created.

when i am called by my manager to read a post that is burning through the internet it makes me wonder. ive never responded to rumours or shittalking online, no matter who it came from- at the same time there is nothing that makes my blood boil more than reading this- being who i am, my first instinct is to blow it off- but then i consider how anytime anything is written on the internet people believe its true- no matter what, no matter the biases or subjectivity of the sources. my first instinct is to lash out- to say everything i think about you and every situation- to defend myself and attack you. as unbelievable as it is- i am an extremely insecure person- everytime i read something about myself negative or positive i react in probably the exact same way anyone would.

but like i said- i am going to continue to do this my own way, what i consider to be the higher road. i understand when we get angry we often lash out- ive done it myself on many occassions. if you want to talk to me about any of this call me on my cell phone and we can do it one on one-

i will not be responding to anything else-

however, the attacks about our fans and the people that listen to this music and read these words is completely offbase- the fans of this band are my entire life- ive lost my girlfriend, my friends, much of my "normal" life- just to keep this relationship going- this isn't to say that i dont make mistakes, take misteps. just because youve seen me on tv or at a show doesn't make me anything less or more than human. you dont ever see the other side of the way we agonize over every decision we make or try our best to please everyone- because we've given up in bands before and we know how it feels and we dont want that to happen. everyone in the band is upset about this- remember everyone that makes up fall out boy- they all wanted me to voice that we appreciate our fans and friends that weve met more than anything- and that we realize because of where we are all the arrows are pointed at us- but we will try our best. and we do try our best. we also, have far more faith in the intelligence and dedication of the people that believe in us to think that they will be swayed easily. if you want to hear other stories of how we actually talk about our fans or think of them please ask other bands, they will testify to how we really act. we just want you to know that in four years when noone cares, we still hope you are there. im not going to freak out or whatever, but please an attack on our fans or our relationship with them as a p.r. move is uncalled for.

this doesn't need to be reposted anywhere- i am sure that fob fans know where to find it.

chris if you want to talk the phone line is there.

i wrote this pretty fast so i apologize for the typos and run-ons.

until then, thank you to everyone who reserves judgment and has my back until the end of time.

- petey

2/28/06 Q&A

question

IM JUST DYING TO KNOW, WHEN IS “RAINY DAY KIDS” COMING OUT?

answer

ive pushed it back. ill be honest alot of the writing in there was halfassed. words are really the only thing i care about so i want them to be perfect. i will try and figure out a release date and when we do, i will post it. i apologize. i dont want to put out some shitty book.

question

pete i am 13 and have been single my whole life should i stay that way? love ya ~Devon~

answer

its definitely ok to be single when you are 13. you have many years to get in trouble later on. when i was 13 i was into fireworks and skateboarding. girls were not even on my radar.

#fall out boy #pete wentz #livejournal

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phanfictioncatalogue · 10 months ago

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Ambiguous/Open Ending (2) Masterlist

part one

Brave (ao3) - TortiTabby

Summary: A vacation on the Isle ends up being the worst and best place to be at the start of the end of the world.

Darling, Will We Talk In The Morning? (ao3) - AnotherPhanficWriter

Summary: Fic where Dan's grindr dates never work out.

Until it accidentally did?

drown my demons (ao3) - schnaf

Summary: Whenever Phil feels all alone, he knows he can rely on Dan. But maybe he shouldn't. And apparently, demons know how to swim.

empty nights, synchronised (ao3) - karcathy

Summary: It's not Phil's first winter in Antarctica, so he's pretty used to how things go around here. A new face catches his eye, but before he has a chance to get to know him, things around the station start to go wrong. The long dark winter becomes a lot more exciting when your survival is at stake.

Flesh of the Church (ao3) - boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami

Summary: There is a war brewing. In the depths of a universe where every now and then, a war is rising up, young people with no military experiences shall be drafted and paint the earth's ground in red. History books list the painters. What about the people of the shadows, their eyes trained into the darkness, their dinner tables devoid of entities who once become a part of their world? What about those people who had to bear the pain of waiting, of praying and hoping? History books list the painters. But no one ever lists the writers.

Give Me My Sin Again (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: It's the era when love is a sin,

but Dan and Phil fall in love despite the rules.

good night bear (ao3) - masonlovesdanandphil

Summary: dan howell loves phil lester.

phil lester loves dan howell.

you know the story two soulmates who met on the internet. just something is different.

dan can’t sleep without watching phil’s videos. oh and phil stopped filming videos

I'm gonna keep falling for you now (even if I keep falling down) (ao3) - t_hens

Summary: 'The first night that we met

We climbed up on your roof

You saw the sky light up the way I did right next to you

"We'll take it slow", you said

As we kissed inside your room

You saw the morning light the way I did right next to you'

i’m not home (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: phil’s last night alone takes a turn for the worst

It's Time to Begin (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan and Phil went through hell and back when they were teenagers to fight against the evil clown. However, when they get called back to Derry, they know that the fight is just beginning again with whatever it is. But old feelings begin to get rehashed and they decide to confess something to the other before they head towards the fight for their lives.

lead me into the light (ao3) - itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)

Summary: Dan and Phil are part of a crew of space explorers currently embarking on a dangerous mission to check out a supposedly lifeless planet far away from home.

lost souls (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: People are born with souls, destined to find their soulmates by the colour and shape of the unique, connected birthmark on the small of their back.

If a child is not born with a birthmark like this, which is an extremely rare occurrence, they’re regarded as a lost soul; one without a soul at all. One who’ll only be able to find true love if they try really hard, but usually not at all.

Dan’s in love with his best friend of six years, Phil, and he’s certain there’s some romantic tingles in the air. The only problem? Dan’s a lost soul, and Phil’s not.

Not So Far Away (ao3) - enthuzimuzzy

Summary: Phil decides to go on a walk.

of damsels, knights, and fairytale endings (ao3) - artbabe

Summary: Phil is a shy baker's apprentice in a little village that is quartering knights on their way to a great battle. He catches the eye of Sir Howell, a handsome knight whom he may never see again.

pandemonium (ao3) - schnaf

Summary: The world collapses. And Phil is gone.

remember me, love? (ao3) - CapriciousCrab

Summary: The club was a bit crowded tonight for his taste; the sound of beating hearts and gallons of blood rushing through veins an annoying distraction from his hunt for something to sate his hunger.

seasalt (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: dan and phil have lived a good life together

Staring at the Sea (ao3) - Allthephils

Summary: Dan wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the north of Spain, a locket that bears the name of the man that he loves.

the genesis of rhythm (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: It isn't the paintings he is here for. It isn't the stall with mismatched shelves and the rows of books in a language he can't understand. It is the man with the brush.

the heart on your keys (it's mine) (ao3) - strawberry_saturn

Summary: Dan marks Phil's keys with a heart, but forgets to take it off before he gives them back.

when you are young, they assume you know nothing (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: After a misunderstanding at prom, Dan finds himself in a dilemma; should he fall into a summer affair with Phil, or should he make up with his boyfriend of 3 years, Blake?

Based on Taylor Swift's Folklore.

#phanfictioncatalogue #phanfic #phan #phanfiction #masterlists #openending #openending masterlist

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inkforged · 11 months ago

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Coffee Shop Mornings

Yes, it's a cliche, but cliches are a thing for a reason. This morning, I met a friend, Shaina, for coffee and a bagel. We do this regularly, once every couple of weeks.

I live in a rapidly growing portion of Northwest Georgia that's determined to hold on to its small-town vibe despite the mass influx of businesses, sports complexes, and all of the people that come with them. Our downtown is full of new and ancient shops, several churches, a few theatres, some bougie restaurants, and a handful of coffee shops. We have train tracks that run through the town center like most small cities in the south. The depot is now used as an event space where local concerts, bar crawls, fairs, and farmer's markets are held. It's fucking adorable.

I'm currently in my favorite coffee shop, Noble & Main. Shaina and I have a ritual of going to a bagel shop down the street first, getting our breakfast, and then grabbing a table at the coffee shop and hanging out until she goes back home to work. We meet at 7 am. It works best for our schedules and it's something we can do regularly. I guess this is adulting.

Noble is a haven for me. Since this place opened, it's been a wonderful spot where I can escape, drink excellent coffee, and drown out the rest of the world. I love the owners, Madi and Justin. They're the kind of people that just make you happy.

Alright, let's stop rambling and avoiding the issue at hand. I need to get into a place where I'm writing daily again-for me. I am a copywriter (kind of -it's complicated) and I spend my time writing for work and my creativity feels dried up and I want to fall in love with writing again. So, in my 2,356,549,852 attempt to journal, I'm here to blog-ish. I'm using this space on the internet to put words on paper and hopefully fill the void and grow as a writer. I feel like a walking cliche and you know what? I'm ok with that.

My goal is to post every day whether it be journaling, a random piece of story, a poorly written poem, or just word vomit. This is a space where nothing matters and there are no rules.

What happens on the blog, stays on the blog....or something like that.

I digress, I'll end this post here and switch to a new one to tell my story. Well, one of them.

Bless

#writeblr #ramblings

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findingmypen · 2 years ago

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On the warmth of friendship

I grew up surrounded by a lot of people. We either saw each other at school during the week or spent Sundays together at church. Or perhaps our parents worked together so it meant that we spent time with each other at end-of-year office parties or weekend socials. Or you came to play football with my brothers and because I had nothing else to do, I begged to be involved (and I was grateful for any form of involvement even if that meant being given the mundane, but fulfilling task of running after the ball whenever it landed too far away). Friendship with these circles was built on proximity and due to the ease of being in the same space, the process of nurturing and tending-to was easy.

But my most uncommon community of friends were the ones I built on the internet. Growing up in an era where deep connections were just beginning to find their roots through the world wide web, it meant that the iPhone 4 I begged my dad to hand down to me became a portal through which I built and sustained relationships. These relationships became a catalyst to learning about myself.

I met Letitia on Facebook — she was 19, lived in America and would share her short stories with me. There was Monisola who I met through a shared love for Mindless Behaviour; Casilda, who I met on Tumblr. She lived with her mother and would often open up to me about how lonely she felt. Rhoda, who was inspired by a piece I wrote which opened the doors to a journalism internship. I had crushes on Justin Bieber, Jaden Smith and RayRay from Mindless Behaviour, before finally settling on Wizkid. Through these crushes, I became part of fan groups and felt a sense of connectedness to strangers who lived in different continents. There was also Kingdom Family, a community of Christians I became a part of and whose support anchored me through sixth form. Through Blackberry Messenger, I met teenagers who went to similar secondary schools, some of which I still maintain friendships with till today. There are probably a host of other people and communities I crossed paths with in those years, but my memory is thinning and I struggle to recall every one of them. But what is key is that my internet friends, though never having met some of them till this day, carried my teenage self and created a foundation to allow me to bloom into my current self.

It is evident that I’ve always been inspired by love and connection. I think that as a teenager though, I valued the quantity over quality. Metrics such as the number of Facebook friends, which then evolved into the number of Twitter followers and today, the number of Instagram followers and likes were indications of social credibility. This is not a piece to bash my participation in that social dance in any way. Like I mentioned earlier, this experience was key to unfolding into my current self.

In my twenties however, I’m finding that my circle has shrunk, but the connections have deepened. My job is isolating and I struggle to present an authentic version of myself at work so in my personal life, I am pulled more towards friendships where we permit ourselves to exist without inhibition, a space where we are both able to uncloak and communicate heartfelt feelings like how we are inspired by the love we share and that being friends with each other is a fuel that drives our complex, adult lives. I value the result of difficult conversations and learning about how we can be better for each other. Friendships where we throw ourselves fully into each other and try as much as we can to provide warmth and safety.

My favourite way to spend my weekends is with my community — quiet saunters down London streets where we discover new galleries, foods and vintage shops. Days without a motive or destination, but only the fondness for each other pushing us to spend more hours together. Inviting each other into our lives through doing mundane activities together — meal prepping, settling into a new flat, cleaning, going to the gym. There is also something to be said about mutual love — how a love for one trickles into a love for another, “I fuck with you because I fuck with them”.

I value vulnerability, to hold and to be held, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share in friendships that bring me back into myself.

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herluminosity · 2 years ago

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Day 11

I need to talk about something dear to my heart. My bestie. We met in church when I lived in Arizona at the time in 21'. It was an instant connection. Although I, myself, don't believe in any gods, we still made friendship. I was the one who went up to her. I thought she was cute, and pretty, and should be my friend. Not only that, but I was shy at first, as it looked like she already had besties. But that didn't stop me from being her friend. I honestly didn't think much would come from this, as no one likes me, and I'm too crazy.

But that friendship blossomed. Into something truly beautiful. Even though we only saw each other at church, we didn't let that stop us from being friends. Back then, I had limited internet. Only had a school laptop, and a personal heavy restricted laptop. So we couldn't talk much during the week. As even, I wasn't allowed on Gmail or any chatting apps. That's a whole another story.

Anyway, I would go to her house a lot after church, even sleep over. She got me hooked on Genshin Impact. Helped me through my toxic ex. Showed me how to be a human. Taught me how to manage money. Was always my eyes when I was too blind. She was my everything. My best memories with her are playing Gen shin together, going to the mall, being dumb. It was magical with her. I say was...

As, we don't talk or be like that anymore. We barely talk as she's so "Busy". But I see her online! I see her chatting in the server I was in with her and her friends. (I left as I couldn't take it anymore.)

And whenever I try to vent to her, her boyfriend ends up replying instead, saying "How triggering I am to her" or "Her mental health is number one." Like yeah. I get that, but dude, don't you understand?? We always tell each other everything. And since HE SHOWED UP, things haven't been the same between her and me. Besties come first, always. Besties last. Like I understand, you can help me sometimes, but I want her, not you. I appreciate you helping me, I do, but I want her. I don't want to lose her, my lifeline, ride or die. MY world.

I miss her so much. I miss what we had, now I feel like we are falling apart. Furthermore, I feel like he's getting in between us. And I don't want this to come off as I don't like her boyfriend. I do. He's perfect for her. But I just want her too. I need her. And yes, I love her. I always have loved her, but not romantically. I used to. Yes.

Ima end this now, it's getting long. Point is, I want my friend back.

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deeppeacekoala · 2 years ago

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How To Handle Every Dating Challenge With Ease Using These Tips

We mentioned how one of the things that the internet has made better about dating is that it exposes us to more people, giving us more choices about who we can date. We both got better at cooking. I am trying to change them into someone slightly better at picking up their socks. Or, maybe you're a super shy and quiet person who wants to date someone that can help you feel more confident. Maybe this type of partner makes you feel like you're on cloud nine, or maybe they challenge you more than a difficult game of Sudoku. I usually feel the moment out. No one is out of my league! He, too, likes that his dating profile on The League looks more professional and that he is able to connect with other hard-working people his age. “Now for first time, you can rate others profile and photo’s and through this it shows the popularity of others. No matter how authentic their profile looks or how convincing their words are, you should be on the lookout for danger. It can't be described in words. Yes, but we don't get to do it much. I very much doubt it.

Other dating apps are connecting people far apart as quarantine pen-pals. Meet people in our online dating community and receive advice from our relationship experts. But according to relationship expert and dating adviser Jeffery L. Miller, it should be. But dating these days can be stressful AF. She is not just a pretty face, she is someone Scott sees he can face life with. Would you rather date someone who is funny or intelligent? This kind of person is considered a perfect 10 who has brains, charisma and an outgoing personality. No, they are perfect. A funny person, or a comedian, would be perfect because they'll make you laugh and smile when you're feeling down (bonus: they may also teach you a few funny jokes)! We are willing to work hard to make you money with our online dating software. I can make a few exceptions. Dare your online date to answer a few questions about himself or herself.

A few dozen in regular use. נערות ליווי בקריות Step 4 must be ignored if the Easter Sunday date calculated after step 3 occurred when the Julian calendar was still in use. In spite of this, differences still occur within the church. Today, modern speed dating is still rooted in shidduch, but with formal dating services replacing the role of the Rabbi and his wife as matchmakers. However, if you’ve noticed that you haven’t met any of their crew and that this person tends to avoid the topic whenever possible, you’re likely not yet at the dating phase. However, the amount of stable (non-radioactive) carbon remains the same. I'm the same but they got even more beautiful! We're like slightly frayed versions of the same thing. No, I like monogamy. No, only my boo. I don't know, my boo is the only person whose calls I take. So before you take our relationship quiz, let's talk about some of the most popular "types" of people to date! So if you're curious about what your ideal partner is like, then it's time to take our romantic quiz! Whether you're currently single, married or part of the "it's complicated" club, we all have an ideal partner that is suitable for our personalities.

We used to have more, but we have whittled them down now to a couple. More relieved than proud right now. Tap these strategies to attract the right users and really click with them. 7% of cell phone apps users (representing 3% of all adults) say that they have used a dating app on their cell phone. You can set "Date Filters" to determine age and location ranges, as well as whether you want to see men, women, or everyone (there's no specific option for non-binary or trans users). Also, let a friend or family know that you are meeting a new person for a date and let them know the location. They keep showing up so I know they love me. Only the kids, but we keep meaning to go out. If one were to assume that a good-fitting isochron implies a reliable result, one would be correct approximately nine times out of ten. This may totally blow your mind, but there was a time (and not all that long ago) when you didn't get called out as "thirsty" just for wanting to be around another human being. Your support will help establish resources for students and teachers, and further a deeper understanding of human origins.

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emily84 · 4 months ago

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i'm not as inclined to being forgiving about jkr and her defenders in particular because i fucking hate her. But i also hate her because she destroyed something i used to really love in the late 90s / early 2000s.

i do remember what it was like back then. when the book got really big in america and christian parents and churches would organize book burnings. burnings. because it was "witchcraft".

how tory scum and conservatives everywhere loathed the books because it was so inclusive and progressive. so many trans people I met on here were HUGE fans of her because in the books there is none of the transphobia that came later. they felt comforted and found a community in "it's not what you are or the evil people say about you or project on you, it's what you do. if you do good, you're a good person" were universal messages that resonated with progressives everywhere - before she turned around and explicitly changed the rules to exclude trans people (and anyone who disagreed with her)

after the gay dumbledore reveal there were schools in the uk (where there was still an atmosphere of post-thatcherist institutional homophobia where you could be suspended for being a gay teacher or even speak positively about homosexulity to a student who came to you asking for help navigating their feelings) that banned the book immediately.

some of the yahoo groups i was in closed down because moderators (mostly americans) who had seemed pretty cool about the hp world "drew the line" at jkr "promoting homosexuality" and cried and cried about jkr letting them down

but the truth is also that the series has some pretty problematic aspects on its own that before internet culture it was maybe harder for fans to spot. but then, i told last year (in 2023!) to my jewish friend/coworker about the huge storm jkr kicked up with her antisemitic videogame and holocaust tweets and she'd had no idea. she loves hp and only mildly knew about her being cancelled for transphobia but generally solved it with "death of the author" etc.

not to say that there weren't problematic things in the text, either. because boy, there were. the lack of Black people, the racist names ("cho chang", et al). elf slaves that get offended if you try to free them - that's pretty fucking vile and inexcusable, and even as a teenager i found it despicable, even then! the hungarians being evil. lycanthropy being a metaphor for gay people and then they're all evil - except one! but of course he dies gruesomely at the end, and god forbid he could be gay for sirius. still, a lot of minorities were drawn to hp because it promised inclusion where they'd always been excluded before. people were generally included in fandom spaces that truly were from all walks of life. kids abused from parents or relatives could imagine getting out of their situation and be welcomed in a world that was more kind. where there were things fans didn't like, they changed them- improved them, and:

this brings me to my final point. jk was then pretty welcoming of these changes! that was a bit unheard of! with ann rice's "no fanfiction allowed or i'll sue you" debacle hanging over our necks like a sword of damocles, jkr welcomed fan engagement and wild interpretations. was a bit dismissive of the gay ones but then popped the big dumbledore reveal. there were so many race bent interpretations of just about every single character in the series. and then many, many, many of these fan interpretations were trans characters! and she never said anything about that - which is why we naturally assumed she was cool with it!

there was actually a huge moment of coming together for the trans community online and it was in these spaces! the animagus ability to shapeshift at will, harry's defiance in the face of repressive authority, there were just so many trans people who were able to come out or contextualize/articulate their reality through the world of hp, that i think most young people today would be shocked to learn. this was before a whole decade before tumblr, and i'd never met as many trans people before in my life.

all of this is not meant to defend her. the opposite, actually.

all of this just to say. it's not the big bad wokenism that cancelled her. SHE CANCELLED HERSELF. she did all that by herself.

she says now that she was always this way and she always meant to exclude trans people. if it's true, then back when she was poor, she never said, never implied, and thrived in the ambiguity and spaces she left for people to bring this stuff into the hp world. and there was such possibility in that "not-said". then she became a billionaire, & i guess she felt like she could speak up with impunity, emboldened by droves and droves of loyal fans and sympathizers she racked up by attacking conservatives on twitter (at first), and what she did was she shattered her own creation with her two hands. she destroyed the magic, and for what, just to make a point about trans people? her one shitty crusade has now turned her into a filthy conservative hack in cahoots with fucking neonazi (the very people she used to rail against), which in turn have moved her further and further right on so many fucking issues it's frankly embarrassing to watch.

so to her fans who still think she needs to be defended on principle. look at the fucking things she's said, man (gn). have a look for yourself. look at the actual impact she's having on actual irl people who are harmed every day by the politics she is funding. that you are funding, through her. if anyone else did that, you'd be up in arms. and she's not god! she's a human person! and i promise you, you're allowed to think for yourself and decide whether the things she says are compatible with your worldview or not. if you think you need to change what you believe in order to be included in that world, then it is already too high a price to pay.

There are people who actually worshipped JKR and there are people who gushed about her because she wrote Harry Potter and they loved Harry Potter who literally knew nothing about her that wasn't in the author bio on the dust jacket. I think fandom oriented people tend to forget how big a population the latter was! But Harry Potter was so huge at its peak that it had a lot of casual fans who deeply, deeply loved the series, maybe even knew the trivia of the actual books inside and out, but never engaged with the fandom side of things or dove deep into meta information. There were normies attending midnight release parties, the series was that big.

#i rarely speak about her because i always end up ranting #that's how fucking angry i still am at that piece of shit #jkr #harry potter #hp

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etherealdiva · 2 years ago

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Astro Observations Part 6

💛The zodiac sign in your 9th house I feel indicates the type of teacher you like to learn from

I have Aries in the 9th and I’ve noticed people I learn from are younger than me Hahah. It’s just their perception is so refreshing and different. I believe there are old souls in young bodies. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you know everything. I love learning from older people too but I’ve noticed I talk to the young crowd most.

💛The zodiac sign in your 8th I feel is the person you resonate with in regards to the occult (astrologer or tarot reader) my fav tarot readers on YT for example are Pisces. I believe I read that from another observation (I can’t remember who so I’m so sorry I can’t credit 😭 but not my original observation) but it’s true for me!

💛The zodiac sign your Venus or Mars is transiting in I feel indicates the type of man/woman you meet at that time and where. Now typically although Mars rules men and Venus women then but I feel since Venus represents love & relationships then I think that Might be more accurate!

Example: when I met a guy I dated who impacted me greatly Mars was in Sagittarius but Venus was in Capricorn in my 6th. What does Capricorn represent? Older male, authority figure, work and the man I was dating…he’s older, has his own company, and he’s an Aquarius which is traditionally ruled by Saturn who also rules Capricorn. But if we go by the energy/dynamic of mars with it being in Sagittarius and transiting my 5th house then I don’t think it would’ve lasted if it got serious. Also other guys who were going after me were younger and careless and wanted something short term. ✨Second example: I met another guy who impacted me greatly and Venus was in Aquarius in the 7th and Mars was in Taurus in the 10th. Aquarius represents the internet, unconventional, individuality and he’s an Aquarius rising and we met online. I don’t think I was talking to anyone else.

These are my personal interpretations and based on experience & observations!

⭐️Venus/Mars in Aries/1st: someone younger, confident, passionate, flirty, might want something short term, probably at the gym , outside or at a sports event

⭐️Venus/Mars in Taurus/2nd: someone all around stable, respectful, takes things slow, knows the best places to dine, romantic, at the bank, works in the arts, culinary, or finance

⭐️Venus/Mars in Gemini/3rd: at school, through your siblings/cousins, while on a short getaway trip, someone either younger or they have a youthful aura, someone talkative and flirty.

⭐️Venus/ Mars in Cancer/4th: at your home area, through your family (mom), at the beach or anywhere near water, someone nurturing, probably can cook, at a real estate opening (open house), someone romantic

⭐️Venus/Mars in Leo/5th: someone fun, confident, a performer, at a concert, romantic, at the park or maybe day care center (if you have kids)

⭐️Venus/Mars in Virgo/6th: at your work, at the gym, at the vet, someone reserved, polite, analytical, someone fit, will take their sweet time with you

⭐️Venus/Mars in Libra/7th: at a spa, museum, jury duty or a legal office, through your partnerships, someone flirty, someone romantic, charming, diplomatic, makes you feel 🥰 could ghost you also if your intentions & feelings aren’t reciprocated

⭐️Venus/Mars in Scorpio/8th: through a hookup/one night stand, through therapy, through an esoteric occult meet up, someone mysterious, sexy, alluring, private, dark and twisted (in a sexy way! Haha)

⭐️Venus/Mars in Sagittarius/9th: in another country, a foreign event, university, church, a spiritual retreat, a motivational speaker event, they could be your teacher, a life coach, they’re inspiring, fun, adventurous, might wanna keep it casual

⭐️Venus/ Mars in Capricorn/10th: at your work, public event, through your coworkers, they could be your boss, someone older, mature, wealthy, ambitious, but will also take it slow

⭐️Venus/ Mars in Aquarius/11th: on the internet, dating app, through your friends, through volunteering, through a tech event, someone different, intelligent, a nerd, independent and wants their space and spend time with you as friends; might ghost you or friend zone you

⭐️Venus/ Mars in Pisces/12th: someone spiritual, at a spiritual retreat, esoteric or occult meetup, near the water, someone mysterious, compassionate, someone who’ll put you on a pedestal, troubled past, a healer, someone who’ll make you feel like it’s a beautiful fantasy, could also disappear when they wake up to reality

I could be wrong, this is an observation but please let me know!

Love her page! 👇🏽

“𝖢𝗁𝖾𝖼𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖶𝖤𝖡𝖡 𝖠𝖲𝖳𝖤𝖱𝖮𝖨𝖣 𝖯𝖤𝖱𝖲𝖮𝖭𝖠 𝖢𝖧𝖠𝖱𝖳 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗐𝗌 𝗁𝗈𝗐 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖼𝖾𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖾 @factsrological”

My followers on my Instagram are mainly international (from Turkey & Italy)

I have a Sagittarius ascendant in the 1st in my webb persona so I’m assuming they see me as a foreigner as well as motivating and passionate which is true. In my natal Venus is in Aquarius so it’s all online and in my 7th so I have a relationship with my followers because I interact and engage with them.

This is honestly my interpretation for my own chart. Let me know yours if you check!

#astrology #astrology notes #astrology tumblr #zodiac #astro community #astrology observations #synastry #astrology101 #astro

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