#i feel like my writing has just gotten so much worse over the past couple of years

[kilegriel]

.

[qprpbj]

ik u posted ab this like a million and one years ago but ur pb&j runaway au literally haunts me. like literally stare up at my ceiling at night thinking about how fcking upset soda and darry would be haunts me. so i must know how do u think that went down 😣 like who brought up running away who actually brought it up as a Serious Thing They Could Do was it impulsive or heavily premeditated did they have a very solid plan HOW DO THE GANG REACT TO ITTTT omg this au haunts me SO BAD u have no idea 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ in my head i envisioned it as like they have a plan and a set day but then darry does smth that Really pisses pony off and he’s like “johnny 😐😐 idc we were meant to go in two weeks we’re going NOW i fcking #hate my brother” SO I NEED TO KNOW HOW U ENVISIONED IT i’m dying dead no matter what btw i love ur mind about the outsiders

stop bc i thought i elaborated more on that but when i scrolled down my account i literally made one half assed post and that IT oh that is so insane. i literally think about them on the daily though it’s not even funnyyyy so this ask made me so happy 🙇🙇 (just so you know these are basically all just messages of mine copy pasted from chats with @girlishwhimsies bc i’m too lazy to write it all out in diff words and bc the lore for this au still EATSSSS but id be SOOO happy to elaborate more on anything :D)

- i’m imagining some universe where like. the slap and everything never happens but that also means pony never really has a reason to bond with darrel so it just stays tense and weird for years and eventually he’s like. 16/17 and johnnys 18/19 and everything’s just gotten worse and both of them are so tired of their lives here. pony sees some obscure movie at the theatre and/or reads a new age book that’s set in new york about queerness in some way (idk what movie and/or book. will have to research) a la i’ve seen it in the movies and in the books i’ve read, this place is real, it’s not just in my head btw. and pony brings this to johnny and excitedly tells him this plan he has to just. up and run away to new york. he can drop out and change his name and get new ids (it was the 60s tbf) and say he’s a year or two older and he’ll get a job too with johnny. that they don’t have to just dream about being far away from tulsa, so to speak, they can just. do it. the only thing stopping them is themselves and their fears

-pony going to the library and stealing maps and checking out like 10 books about travelling and saving money and about new york and. maybe one or two he hides about queerness

-them asking dally what new york is like and dally getting all pissed but not thinking much of it. then suddenly they’re vanished with all their belongings overnight and dally knows Exactly where they’d have gone. the gang has to follow them but they never catch up

-dally shooting up in bed one night like a week later at like 3am rushing over to the brothers house all i know where they are. they asked me about. about new york the other day. oh my fucking god and darrel’s all just??? new y— NEW YORK?? what the hell did you SAY TO THEM??

-frankly i think they’d wanna go and look after them but they’re poor and darry has a job so. they just put out missing persons requests and have no choice but to call it a day. darry feels guilty but they were never that close but. but soda??? soda knowing pony ran away from him??

-i think pony would leave some cryptic message in a copy of gone with the wind (ironic) addressed to soda in the cover before he leaves but soda literally doesn’t read so he probably doesn’t find it it for ages. something about how you were the only thing keeping me alive in tulsa but i gotta go be my own person now, get away from all of this shit

-darry turns what remains of pony’s room upside down inside out looking for anything but. there’s absolutely nothing left for him

-pony sends a letter back to soda a couple months later all were safe and sound in new york and we really miss you, sodapop, every day. tell dally new york ain’t as bad as he thought…he oughta give it another shot someday. maybe you too, soda. tulsa ain’t home to people like us, soda, you’ve gotta understand why we had to leave

-he sends his first letter without a return address yet bc he’s not ready for soda to know where he is but the next one!!!

-by then it’s been like six months and pony’s hair is bleach blond (smiles) and he looks healthy for maybe the first time really ever. pony sheepishly coming out from behind his friend in some goofy totally-not-pony outfit (bc he’s fallen in loveeee with fashion. btw.) and soda hugs him so fucking tight he swears he stops breathing for a minute

-you know…darry’s been real choked up since you left. you know he…he gets it, right? he’s like you. n’he’s real torn up you left when he couldn’t, honey.

-maybe you…could bring him here, too. there’s family here for him if..he wants it. he’s just gotta get brave like i did.

[heyidkyay]

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Twenty-Three

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way? 

Authors Note: Another update this week?? I'm as shocked as anyone else, but hopefully this one will make up a little for the last! It's longer and a little less, um, idk, I can't say emotional?? because that would be a lie:/ Still, there are some developments! Also, it'll make sense a lot later but the 2nd image and the use of a Ride song are used in this one!

Hope you enjoy! Also thank you for all the love on this current series, it means a whole lot and keeps me writing xx

Warnings: similar to that of the last post! so pls look back there if you'd like to know!:)

> Last update: look back here if you'd like!

Masterlist

“I said no.”

Stressed was a feeling beyond words at this point. The past couple of days all I’d had was press hounding at me, calling and texting, emailing at all hours of the fucking day. They wouldn’t let up, even after I’d stayed silent. Adi reckoned it was mostly down to Teddy’s involvement in the whole thing. I didn’t want to think much more about it, although I knew she wasn’t wrong.

“Give me a reason at least?"

I shot a scathing glare over my shoulder before turning back to the filing system I’d taken to reorganising. It was my first morning back at the studio since... yeah, well Finn had Teddy- another factor to my current load of stress- whilst Adi was off doing something or other. I hadn’t asked, fearful of putting more of a strain on her current friendship- relationship??- with Ross, so instead I’d just chosen to tidy and rearrange the entire setup we had going on here. Because that was perfectly normal. And not a fucking way to evade talking or thinking about the mess that was my life. Okay?

“I don’t need a fucking reason, I just don’t want to.” I retorted, hissing slightly when I suddenly cut my thumb on the edge of a document. I withdrew my hand quickly and raised it towards my mouth, letting my eyes slip close for a moment when I heard a footfall step closer.

“Let me see.” Jamie sighed, probably thinking I’d done something worse to my hand than just a papercut. To be fair, the cabinet was old. One of them filing types from the ninety’s that we’d gotten for a score down at some boot sale, so I wouldn't be surprised if one of us did eventually end up losing an arm.

I shook my head and pushed the cabinet drawer closed, “It’s fine, just a papercut.”

Jamie huffed an amused chuckle before settling down on the edge of the desk nearby. It was Adi’s, you could tell from the sheer amount of shit she had accumulating it.

“One thing after another with you.”

My head tilted towards him with a deadened expression, “Ha ha.”

The older man raised his hands up in a mocking surrender, showing he hadn’t meant any real harm. “Too soon?”

I kicked at the toe of the leather boots he wore in retort as I moved towards the kitchenette, aware that he was just trying to lighten my horrendous mood but not really in the right mind for it. 

“You want a brew?” I asked, not bothering to give him an honest reply to that question of his. Too soon? Yes, that was all too fucking true.

“Have a coffee if there’s one going.”

I dipped my head in a slight nod, filling the kettle and setting it to boil before snagging the coffee often reserved for guests on the show from a shelf nearby.

Jamie moved to better face me on Adi’s desk as I did so, wearing that same expression he’d turned up in, all concerned and weary. It bothered me a bit, seeing as though it was all I had garnered since the press had had their field day with my life, but I could also understand why. They all just seemed to feel for the idiot stupid enough to fall into another of Matty Healy’s traps.

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” He wondered around a light chortle at my demand, hands falling to rest between his thighs.

I gestured towards his face whilst I poured a splash of milk into my mug, “Looking at me like that, like I’m gonna break or something.”

With a sigh, he pressed his lips together. “You know it’s not like that.” I rolled my eyes in return but he just bounded on, “You know it’s not, I just care is all.”

I forced out a breathless chuckle, “That why you’re here trying to get me to hear him out then?”

To be fair to him, Jamie had come right out with it when he’d first popped by, having messaged me asking after my whereabouts earlier this morning. I’d told him, having spoken to him quite a bit over the last couple days, and then found him on the doorstep. 

Jamie had been good with everything. He’d let me vent, rally against one of his friends and clients, question his own motives- and hadn’t even complained one bit. But now he was here asking me to give Matty a chance, a lot like he’d done that first time around in that small cafe all those months ago.

“I know you’re angry, you have every right to be.”

“Of course I’m fucking angry!” I immediately shot back at him, the rattle of the teaspoon ringing out as I dropped it into a mug, “I wouldn’t care if it had just been me he’d gone and fucked over! But he brought Teddy into this shit, Jamie. My son! So tell me, how am I supposed to hear him out after he’s done something like that and then lied about it? For weeks, mind you.”

Jamie looked back at me, wearing that ‘this meant business’ mug of his. I slumped at the sight, pressing my knee against one of the lower cabinets to continue stirring the drinks. I didn’t care, I didn’t care, I didn’t care.

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Mouse.”

My eyes slipped closed at his words and I took a second to just breathe. Because I wasn’t angry, not really. I was hurt and humiliated, and just so fucking sad. Fed up with it all, if I was being honest. Enough so that I knew that Jamie was being truthful here- and not just because it was a fact that I hadn’t spoken to Matty since things had fallen apart, but also because I hadn’t had the heart to ask Teddy about things yet. Or if ever.

The kid was four. Four, and asking after a man every night before he fell asleep and then as soon as he opened his eyes the next morning.

He knew something was up, he was smart like that. But what was I meant to do- to say? When I was just as confused as he was.

I’d ended up leaving him with Finn today, having had no other choice in the situation because the nursery was closed for an inset day, or some shite like that, and it seemed I had no other friends than the few around me. 

Could quite literally count the lot of them on one hand. 

But still, Finn and I’s relationship had still been rather rocky after that whole incident with him and Matty, and hadn’t improved since. In fact, he’d been a little unbearable about everything, always one to toot his own horn whenever he was right about something. But it was always slyly and I couldn’t help but feel as though it was a constant dig, like even when he wasn’t commenting on it he was still thinking it whenever he looked at me.

Which felt so horrible to think, let alone say out loud. He was my best friend. So I’d kept my mouth shut and just dealt with it, like I did everything else in life.

“He’s messed up about it.” Jamie then spoke, his voice having startled me a tad, breaking me out of my musings. He was watching me again, only when he did it, it didn’t feel as condescending as everyone else's. Like he understood my position. And I guessed that he probably sort of did.

“I bet.” I scoffed quietly, an airy titter escaping through my nose, and then I turned to toss my teabag away.

“It’s true.” Jamie shrugged, then nodded in thanks when I pushed a coffee his way. “He’s been ‘round Ross’s ever since shit hit the fan, hasn’t left the flat. Driving the lot of us mad, but he’s torn up, Mouse.”

Tongue in cheek, I wrapped my hands around my cup and propped my hip up against the counter, staring into the still swirling liquid. “Serves him right, I guess.” I replied with a soft shrug of my own, though we both knew I didn’t quite mean it.

Jamie looked over towards one of the windows to the right, most of them were either way too long or too tiny for the space, an odd build, but this particular one gave way to the skyline lying over the remainder of the city. I often wondered what the lower levels might look out at, thinking it was probably the majority of the surrounding buildings, and couldn’t help but feel a little thankful that we’d managed to snag this unit.

When he glanced back over at me, I took a sip and let him speak.

“A lot went on, that much I know, and it’s your choice how you deal with it. But, I saw the two of you. I saw him change. Which is stupid to say, I know, but it doesn’t stop it from being true. He was different with you, he actually tried in other aspects of his life and not just with the band and the music. He looked genuinely happy.” He smiled softly at the eye roll I gave, but it didn’t appear to deter him. “Don’t get me wrong, I know you didn’t fucking cure him. Don’t work like that, does it? But you helped. You and Teddy both.”

I looked away then, back towards the window, unable to really help it, and instead allowed my eyes to trail over the clouds which powdered the dusty blue sky. 

“It was different. Things were different, and I know that there was love there. There couldn’t not have been. The way he looked at you…” Jamie shook his head ever so slightly as he breathed out, unaware of just how deeply his words had cut. But then he peered over at me and I found myself already looking back, air caught somewhere in the swell of my lungs. 

“Don’t.” I choked out, the grip on my mug having tightened tenfold. “Just,” I shook my head.

Jamie put his coffee down on the desk and moved to stand, hands raised to convey he wasn't a threat. “I’m not saying this to hurt you more, love. Just telling you how I saw it.”

I licked at my lower lip, casting my eyes downwards. Our silence stretched and all could be heard was the odd car horn and chirp from beyond the walls of the studio, until-

“Anyone here?”

I blinked back the tears which had started to well in my eyes and sniffed, head shooting up just in time to spot a familiar giant ducking their head under the beam of the doorway, limbs following right after.

George entered but then stopped short when he spotted his manager stood by me, and I laughed to myself at the way the pair of them seemed to eye one another, before stepping in, “Didn’t hear you ring the buzzer.”

Kind eyes darted over to find my soft smile then, welcoming him in, and so George finally moved in closer, laying the jacket he wore to rest over one of the armchairs.

“Yeah, someone was just leaving and let me in.” He answered my unasked question, shrugging as he added, “Dunno whether they recognised me or if they just let anyone up.”

“Probably the second,” Jamie piped up, seemingly having broken himself from his previous bout of surprise, “This lot ‘round here don’t give much of a shit about crap like that.”

I rolled my eyes, but was glad to have a reason to smile slightly. “Or they spotted the BFG making his way over and wanted to avoid pissing him off.”

Jamie cackled whilst George just shot me a narrow-eyed look, “Hilarious. That pot just boiled?” He asked me as he wandered over. I nodded in turn and moved to grab him a cup, only faltering when he lowered my hand with his own and shook his head. “I got it.”

I dipped my head slightly, blinking before taking a step back to let him work. He made a quick go of it, rummaging around the cupboards briefly to find what he needed and only asking for the spoon I still held for some odd reason when he was near done. 

Jamie appeared to have been watching him too, a calculating glaze to his eyes, and he chose that next moment to speak up, “How you been anyway, George? Not seen much of you lately.”

Something unspoken passed between them when George glanced over at him, but I couldn’t tell what.

“Good, busy.” Was what the taller decided on, throwing Jamie a quick smile when he crossed to toss his own teabag in the bin before settling on the counter to the left of me. “You?”

It almost sounded sarcastic, not how he said it but simply because he’d asked it at all, knowing everything that had recently occurred. It must have been a right nightmare for Jamie these last few days, what with him being the band’s main man.

Jamie just laughed though, goodnaturedly, though it was apparent that he was still trying to suss out what was going on, what with George’s sudden appearance. Seeing as I’d never once mentioned him to Jamie.

See, things with George had all started after that studio session Teddy had attended, followed by my wishing him a happy birthday just before Matty had gone and done what he did best. Wrecked it all.

Teddy had become all too smitten with the drummer since he’d first been introduced to the band and their many songs and music videos. He enjoyed the guitar he’d been gifted an awful lot, often playing with it and practising, but each time any sort of song played on the tele or the radio, or even in the car, it wasn’t hard to note the way Teddy instantly mimicked George’s swift movements, pretending to drum along to whatever beat heard. 

George had messaged me on Instagram later that same day, seeing as how apparently Teddy’s appearance at the studio had stuck with him, and asked after him a little. It seemed strange worded like that, but George reckoned that Teds had a real streak of a musicality about him, even as young as he was, and wanted to see if Teddy would be up for learning some more. 

Which had been a Godsend, honestly, what with how the next couple of days had gone down. I’d given him my number via dm just before the storm had started and then the afternoon that had followed the plethora of articles he’d called.

He’d asked how I was at first, almost consoling me in that easy way of his, so full of little words, which had been all too refreshing in truth.

I’d had texts and calls off of practically everyone I knew, even Ronan, the utter prick. And none had managed to soothe me quite like George’s had, seeing as the man had been there too. Not quite in my position, sure, but near enough. He’d even let a little of it slip when he’d popped on over that same day, bringing a bag of takeaway and a roll up drum mat as a gift for Teddy, who had been cooped up with me on the sofa for most of the afternoon. 

The two of them had bonded over it rather quickly, Teddy having been caught off guard by George’s sincerity almost as much as I had been. But then I'd found myself getting to know the drummer too and very much appreciating the unnecessary gesture he’d made for me, even with the pair of us not knowing one another as well as we could have.

I had no idea what was going on between him and Matty, I hadn’t had the balls to ask, but he’d mentioned he hadn’t heard much of anything from him since the night of his party, as well as the fact that his girlfriend, Charli, had been just as annoyed with everything that had gone down.

I knew he’d be stopping by at some point today, we’d made plans to get lunch once he’d heard I was back at the studio on my own, but not recording. I reckoned he was concerned and this was his way of showing it, but it was hard to tell with him most of the time seeing as he’d made it out as though I was doing him a favour here. An effort I came to find I much appreciated. 

“Work, you know how it is.” Jamie replied after a long pause. He was still standing in the same position he’d been in since George arrived, but seemed to move then, picking up what was left of his coffee and pouring what remained down the sink. “But I’d best be going, got a couple calls to make. You gonna be at the studio tomorrow?”

George hummed around his next sip, pulling away with only a dip of his chin. “Should be.”

Jamie smiled, nodding, “Good, I’ll let the rest of them know then.”

I caught George’s slight wince at that, though he didn’t protest his manager's comment. It made me wonder.

Jamie turned to me then, shucking on his jacket. I perked up, not having realised that he really was rushing to leave now. “Remember what I said, alright?”

I blinked, but then nodded. How could I forget? I wanted to ask, but instead said, “You don’t have to head out so quick.”

He sent me a reassuring grin as he flipped over the collar of his coat. “You won’t miss me much,” He then teased before roping me into a hug, “Weren’t lying when I said I had a couple calls though, so it’s best I get out of your hair whilst I still can.” 

I smiled softly at the sound of his lighthearted chuckle and nodded before following him over to the door, “Stay safe.”

Jamie rolled his eyes, all too used to my typical parting now, though amused by it all the same. “Can’t promise anything.” He retorted with a smirk, shuffling over the threshold whilst his eyes flickered back to where George still stood once more. “So, about before?”

I inhaled shakily, though Jamie didn’t seem to notice, fingering the pockets of his jacket in search of his mobile. “I’ll think about it.” I told him.

He flashed me a grin at that, pleased, then let his heel trail over to meet the top step of the metal grating. “Talk to you later then.”

I nodded and watched for a second as he descended the staircase, head bobbing down the first set before he turned and disappeared from view. Sliding back inside, I shut the door quietly behind me, taking a second to steel my nerves before facing the room again.

During that time, George had seemingly gone and made himself comfy on the settee, his mug settled on a coffee table coaster. I moved to join him after putting both mine and Jamie’s cups under the tap to rinse before just leaving them to soak.

George was fiddling with something when I sat down beside him but shuffled over a tad to allow me to get more comfortable, “So what was that about?” I questioned.

“With Jamie?” He asked and I nodded, even though I reckoned he already knew what I was on about. 

He shrugged slightly and I noted the way his finger trailed over a slip of folded paper, it was creased as though it had been played or fiddled with a dozen times too many. My brow seemed to furrow at the sight of it. 

“He tried phoning a few times but I’ve not been too keen on answering, learnt that I’ll just get dragged into the drama if I do.” George finally answered, and for some reason I felt a wad of guilt pool in my stomach upon hearing it, even though I hadn’t been the one to cause this mess.

Or maybe I was just kidding myself.

“Sorry.”

George huffed as he turned to peer over at me, elbows resting on the tops of his knees. “Nothing to be sorry for.” He told me and then gifted me a sweet smile, “None of this is on you. Just thought we were in the clear, you know?” He looked away at that and his smile dimmed into something smaller, almost sadder. “Figured I wouldn’t have to go dodging my mates calls anymore, or be roped into cleaning up everyone else’s messes.”

He reached a hand out to settle on my knee then, probably having noticed the way I was chewing on the insides of my cheek, or maybe the fact that my lip was now trembling. I’d never felt so shitty. So at fault for something I hadn’t really seen coming, nor could I prevent.

“Not your fault, remember?” He reiterated to me, squeezing my joint softly before pulling away. I sniffed before looking up at him with a tiny smile. 

“Promise I don’t usually cry this much. Just been a shitty week is all.” I told him, laughing pitifully as I toyed with the hem of the jumper I’d put on earlier that morning when I’d purposefully avoided the hoodie that had been left on my desk chair, as well as the cupboard full of clothes that didn’t belong to me.

I felt the settee dip slightly before I found him sitting right beside me, lifting an arm to wrap me up in a hug. His cheek came to rest on the side of my head and I felt my heart break that little bit more, because it reminded me that in a second, or two, I wouldn’t have that sense of protection he now offered, shielding me from the rest of the world.

“You’ve been put through the wringer.” George murmured and I had to laugh just a little bit, he laughed too, the sound of it reverberating through his chest to where my head rested. “Fucking cry if you want to, alright? No judgement here."

I spluttered a little on my next chuckle, smiling as I wiped at my eyes. George’s arm just tightened its hold by a fraction, as though he knew it would make things that little bit easier. We both sat there like that for a while, and I appreciated the fact that he was okay with a bit of quiet. That he didn’t run scared from it or try to start up an awkward conversation simply to fill it.

Silence was something I’d come to realise that George often favoured. Because sometimes that was all you really needed.

I don’t know how long we continued like that before he shuffled and pulled that same piece of paper from earlier back into view, holding the corner of it between his forefinger and thumb. I pulled away slightly, looking down at it and then back up at him with a small frown.

“What?”

George merely blinked, staring down at the paper with an odd look before he finally placed it in the hand I had resting on my thigh. My frown only deepened.

“What is it?” I asked him, finger trailing over an edge just as he had done when I’d first spotted it. When I went to unfold it from the opposing corner, he stopped me. 

Confused, I turned to raise a brow at him, only to find him already looking back at me. He bit into his lower lip and then flattened his mouth into a stern line, “I found that when I was last in the studio.”

My chest tightened for some reason, but I was still so baffled. “Okay?”

We were sitting up better now, George’s arm having slipped from my shoulders to come to rest in his lap, fingers trailing over his left hand’s rigid set of knuckles.

“I figured you should see it.” He added in his usual drawl, though his eyes flickered up from the paper to catch mine then and I realised it must've been important. He seemed wary enough to warrant it.

I went to unfold it once again, but then his hand really reached out to stop my own, “I don’t know if I should be here when you do.”

That alone made me even more curious, although there was an edge of caution that now warred at me. “Why?”

George gifted me a gentle smile, the hand that still laid over top of my own squeezing kindly. “I’ll go grab us some food, alright? If you want to open it then do, if not. I won’t mention it again.”

He moved to stand then but my hand shot out to grab at the sleeve of his arm, “George.” But I didn’t know what else to say, I knew I was fearful though.

His fingers moved to meet mine, resting there for a short moment, “It’s your choice. Just, I couldn’t keep it from you.”

I swallowed thickly as he pushed to his feet, the scuff off his heavy boots bouncing off the hardwood floors. Slowly he moved to grab his jacket, giving me time to say no, to deny his offer. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t do much of anything really.

The door shut behind him with a soft click a minute later and the quiet of the studio suddenly consumed me. When I glanced back down at the paper I held once more I saw the slight tremble of my hands. I forced myself to exhale, but even that was shaky.

I was careful as I unfolded it, listening to the rustle it made before scrawled lines that had bled through to the other side caught my attention. Pausing, I took a moment to just look at them and then thoughtlessly hurried to reveal the rest of it, taking in its full form. My throat tightened at the sight of familiar scribbles.

You had me from the start  Pulling all the stops out  On the down low, secretly  But I think you knew your psychology  Was working on me  Infatuated  And doing this all wrong  You've got  My number and my name  And you've got me going  Yeah, you've got me going  Can I see you every day?  Do you love me  Like I love you?  Ah, you've got me going  Yeah, you've got me going

(Song: Ride - Future Love)

It was as if something in me had shifted and then turned, sparking itself its very own flame on a bone too sharp and growing and growing until its singed edges burnt and blackened every part of me. 

I must've sat there staring down at it for ages. Crying silently and alone in an empty room, something I’d been avoiding doing since this had all started. Though I supposed it had been inevitable.

His words. His thoughts. Bared to me on a single page. Him none the wiser to any of it. Probably having not even realised it was gone, or missing. And George had read it. He’d seen it and still, after everything, had given them to me.

A tear dropped from my chin then, blotting the page and I could only watch on as the dark ink appeared to cling to it, seeping further and further into the paper. Smudging the ‘Do you love me’ enough so that my breath stuttered and I was suddenly moving all too quickly for my mind to catch up with my thoughtless actions.

Not even a second later my phone was in my hand. 

Messages now To: Jamie O (glasses!) When can he meet me? 

–

Matty had always had a thing for Sundays. 

There was just something about them. Not all that Godly shite that people preached about it being holy and the first day of the week, ‘cause to him Monday would always hold that title- and Monday’s fucking sucked dick. 

No, it was because there was just something peaceful that settled on Sundays, it took him back to simpler times, of days when he’d just been a kid and roast dinners were spent ‘round his nana’s house. Or when Newcastle would play on afternoons and his dad would finally be home to watch with him. 

There was just something about them, you know. He didn’t much believe in luck, typically only the bad sort. But if someone held a gun to his head and told him he had to claim a day which would forever work in his favour, it would just have to be Sunday.

Still, he was unsure on where he currently stood with that sentiment as of late. Seeing as how he was currently in the backseat of a cab, jittery hands clinging onto shaking knees whilst rows of houses, broken up by hues of green and blue, rolled on past him.

It hadn’t been a last minute thing, but it felt much like it. The anticipation was getting to him, he knew that much, sweat licking at the back of his neck whilst his shoulders worked their way up to the lobes of his ears.

Jamie had somehow managed it.

Called him up late last night just before Ross had headed off to bed to tell him that she would finally see him. Jamie’d asked if he’d be alright going alone or if they’d prefer a buffer there, but Matty had immediately declined. So he was doing it alone. Though he couldn’t help but wonder if that had been a misstep on his part, if it would have made things easier on her having someone there, or maybe just given him some semblance of relief as the car slowly drove its way over to her house. The very place he hadn’t stepped foot in since the night of George’s birthday party.

But he hadn’t earnt that reassurance. Felt wrong to bring somebody else along either way. So he was stuck, toying with his phone, hoping or praying that a text wouldn’t come through saying that she’d gone and changed her mind.

It had been just under a week since he’d last seen her. But it felt as though time had dragged out slowly, mocking him or maybe even torturing him for all of his many wrongdoings. 

He fretted over what she might say when she caught sight of him, he himself having only spotted the state he’d worked himself into when he’d been getting ready that morning.

There were heavy bags set beneath his eyes from where he hadn’t really slept and his cheeks were hollowed in that way that they used to revert to when he’d have a particularly hard weekend way back when. If the papers caught wind of him he already knew what the first articles would say, what they would so obviously claim. But he knew the truth, just hoped that she would know it too.

He was startled from his mind at the jerk of the car pulling up onto the nearest curb. His eyes widened in sudden alarm when he realised just what that meant and then caught the look of dismay that crossed the driver’s face when the bloke looked back to announce that they’d arrived. If the man didn’t already think he was on something, then now he definitely did.

Matty swallowed stupidly and then tried for a smile, struggling to undo his seatbelt with the kickstart of shaking that overtook his hands. The driver took pity on him though, turning away to fiddle with something up front that probably didn’t need fiddling with, and finally Matty’s thumb managed to catch the button.

Releasing himself from the confines of the car, he paused just before the door could slam close behind him, handing the man a couple notes in tip, if only to apologise for his edgy behaviour or buy himself a little more time if the driver had somehow managed to suss him out even with his hat, hood and scarf. “Cheers.” He said.

The man blinked at the onslaught of cash and then nodded repeatedly, “Yes, thank you.”

Matty exhaled shakily and then dipped his chin in another goodbye, stepping back onto the curb and watching the cab pull away before he found himself alone once more.

This was it, he supposed.

The street hadn’t changed much in a matter of days but his mind made it seem as though it had. As though suddenly he didn’t belong. The odd man out.

He shoved his hands into the confines of his pockets, pivoting on his heel to face what he’d come here to do. But nothing had prepared him for the way his stomach suddenly bottomed out at the sight of her front door.

The sound of a car horn a way away spooked him, causing him to jump, but did eventually force him forward off the curb and onto the cracked pavement. He stared down at all the dips and curves they had to offer him the entire way up the path until finally, he reached her front steps.

If anyone asked, Matty would tell them it was as though he’d been working on autopilot when he pried the silver knocker up from the wood and let it rap twice. Though that would be an utter lie. His head screamed at him the whole while and his fingers blurred before him when he’d raised them up to grasp at the chilled metal. 

He’d never felt so sick, just standing there, the seconds slowly trickling into minutes, or perhaps even hours. It honestly felt as the day was slowly growing colder the longer that he stood there, staring at a coat of familiar paint, before finally hinges creaked and the door opened, revealing a sight that would’ve surely cured sore eyes, if only it hadn’t gone and broken his heart first.

It wasn’t immediate, the effect the past couple days had had on her. It was more in the way she held herself, the sadness which clung to her every fibre, the way she wouldn’t quite look him in the eye.

She stared, caught in a standstill, and for a long moment did nothing before silently and slowly she withdrew enough to allow him through.

Matty didn’t dare utter a word, let alone breathe. Careful to avoid brushing against her or stepping on her toes as he slowly crossed over the threshold to get in, though the hands he’d hidden in his coat pockets curled into fists to keep himself steady.

The first thing he noted upon first entering was the significant state of the flat, it wasn’t messy or untidy by any means, but looked nothing at all like a house typically inhabited by a child should, or at least a monster as chaotic as he knew Teddy to be. It was almost as though Mouse had been expecting a letting agent to pass through with a couple dozen couples, what with how clean it was. He almost reckoned that if he were to crouch down right there he’d probably be able to make out the seam of his jeans in the reflection of the floors.

“You can just hang your-”

“I know.” Matty whispered, not intentionally meaning to cut her off but unable to help himself anyway. 

It hurt, feeling as though he was just a guest in a place he had practically considered home not too long ago. He coughed lightly and shrugged off his coat to do so anyway, hanging it up where he usually did, something which made him pause for a split second, wondering whether this could possibly be the last time he’d have the privilege of doing so.

“Right.” Mouse murmured somewhere behind him, snapping Matty out of his thoughts. She stepped on by him just after, eyes trained on the end of the hallway until they reached the living room, “Erm, I’m just starting on a brew. You can wait here if you want.”

He wanted to follow after her, to fall down onto his knees and fucking sob there at her feet, but he was scared he’d dirty her floors or more than likely end up looking like a total knob. He would. Fucking felt like one just from thinking it. So he did as instructed, moving towards the sofa, taking note of everything and anything the room had to offer him. 

Matty’s eyes flickered over to the kitchen doorway when he realised she’d stopped there, fiddling with her nails before she caught him looking and dropped her hands. “Just realised I didn’t ask if you wanted anything.”

God, it was so fucking strained.

He took a short breath in and attempted to smile, “Tea sounds good.” Was all that he said, and watched on as her brow wrinkled, head tilting with it.

“Uh, I still have that coffee you like. The one you brought over, if you’d prefer.” She told him and he recognised her confusion for what it was, or maybe it was just her weariness over letting him know that his stuff was still where he’d left it. Or, maybe, just fucking maybe he was reading way too much into everything.

“Tea’s good.” Matty murmured, feeling a little less tense now that he knew that she was sort of sitting in the same boat. “But thanks.”

Her chest rose and fell with her next breath and he watched her nod with difficulty at him, still not meeting his eye. “Right, just be a sec then.”

She disappeared past the door with that, whilst he simply stood and listened to the run of the tap and then the flick of the kettle, feeling stupid for having missed something he hadn’t even realised he’d taken note of before. 

But that was just typical, wasn’t it? To miss something so mundane now that it was no longer expected.

Once he heard the clink of mugs Matty allowed his gaze to roam, trailing over the bundle of neatly folded throws settled on the wicker basket by the sofa, ones he knew that if Teddy was here would still be scattered all over the floor before the tv. 

There were a couple of coasters laid out on the coffee table, though the fruit bowl had since been removed, something he knew Mouse did whenever there were only a few pieces left or none at all. There would probably be grapes or something of the sort in the fridge though.

She had a couple of receipts left out on the shelf below the mirror she’d hung up on the wall when she’d first moved in, and the picture frames beside them were still the same. Only one was missing, and he knew which. 

He noticed that the candles over by the lamp were new though, expensive if he remembered rightly because he was sure that he’d spotted them round someone else’s place recently. He wondered briefly over who could’ve gifted them to her, knowing that she much preferred her usual scents, only ever splurging on the larger Yankee Candle jars they had to offer in the local Debenhams.

He found himself smiling at the thought.

It was then that she shuffled back into the room though, stalling his observations. She carried two mugs in her hand and a small plate loaded with biscuits on her forearm. Immediately Matty moved to help her, taking the plate from her even with knowing that she had it handled.

“I could’ve managed.” She murmured, though not unkindly, and then thanked him quietly once she’d gone and placed the mugs down. 

Matty followed her lead, settling the biscuits near the edge of the coffee table, between the two coasters, before fumbling for a second over where to sit. Squeaks seemed to take to one end of the settee so Matty perched on the other, though closer to the middle crease than the arm.

“You got hobnobs?” Matty finally asked, breaking the silence again, eyes flicking over to the plate he’d just held before shooting back over to find her.

She blushed faintly at his comment, then shrugged. “You like them, don’t you?”

Matty scoffed lightly, a soft smile limning his lips, “Yeah, but you hate them. Once claimed that they were like digestives only after being shat out.”

She wrinkled her nose at that, though Matty was quite sure he could spot the mirth that flickered across her face. “Want them or not?”

Rolling his eyes in fond exasperation and knowing not to push it, he picked one up and settled in a little more comfortably into the sofa cushions.

The silence would’ve been almost unbearable if she hadn’t had the foresight to have turned the tv on low before he’d arrived. So whilst a documentary played on one of the many BBC channels, Matty struggled with himself to find the best thing to say. Though he needn’t have bothered, she was always one step ahead.

“So, I think I should start by saying that I um, I know I held a lot of expectations.” 

Almost simultaneously, Matty frowned.

She just wrung her hands together once before thinking better of it and laying them flat in her lap. Matty merely wished to reach out and take them in his own. “And I get that it must’ve been a struggle for you, to basically go from like one end of a scale and then jump right off the other side. But, I-”

“What are you on about?” Matty interrupted, unable to help himself in truth, so beyond baffled by the sudden speech she’d started. She stopped and blinked over at him, finally looking him in the eye. At last.

“What do you mean?” She retorted with a pinch between her brows, “Listen, I planned this all out, alright? So can I just get out what I want to say?”

Matty stared, then forced out a breath of air. “Squeaks,” She shuttered at the name, closing off slightly, enough so that Matty took quick note and wished he hadn’t said a thing, but yet, he still carried on. Desperate to save any blundered attempt he’d make. “Look, this weren’t on you. None of it was, okay?”

Her eyes trailed back over towards him at that, though her expression was almost unreadable. Matty struggled with that bit the most, he’d always been able to read her for the most part.

“So, this crap about expectations and me struggling with whatever idea you’ve made up in your mind is stupid.” Her eyes narrowed then and he watched her work her jaw, obviously none too happy about his retort. He withheld a heavy sigh, “I’m not- Look, I’m not trying to be difficult I’m just saying that- What I’m trying to say is, that every relationship has goals or expectations, that’s normal. But nothing you ever did forced me do what I did. That shit? It was all on me. It was me being insecure and scared, yeah? So, don’t go trying to excuse it. Because I’ve had people do that for me for far too fucking long now and hearing it come from you...” 

He sort of felt himself slump at that, a little bitter and resentful over the fact that she’d since come to think of it that way. As though his mistakes were all just down to her and her inability to do right by him. He realised though, belatedly, that if anyone else had done exactly that, or even attempted to, in any other scenario he just might have taken up the offer and ran with it. But this was her, this was Squeaks. 

She was quiet for a time, then she picked up her mug, eyes trained on the movement of it before, “What then?” 

“What?” Matty frowned once more, shuffling forward in his seat in an attempt to catch her eye again.

“Why did you do it then? Why’d you lie, why didn’t you tell me about Teddy?”

That knot he’d been feeling for weeks now. The one at the very end of his tongue, all tied and tangled in the back of his throat, suddenly shrivelled up and slackened, leaving a bitter aftertaste and a plethora of guilt behind.

Matty’s gaze wandered over to the window, to where Teddy’s guitar sat in its stand just before a heavy set of grey curtains. He withheld the urge to pick at his nails as he searched for the right words to give her, wanting so honestly to tell her the truth, to give her a play by play of what had happened in detail, as well as every thought that had gone through his mind. 

“It wasn’t what it looked like for a start.”

Mouse scoffed a little at that, and Matty couldn’t be mad at it. If he was sat on the other end of this he’d been doing more than just that, he’d be up in arms, tossing shit about and raving to all who would listen.

Still, his eyes trailed down to where his hands now laid in his lap and he pressed his thumb to his palm. “We were on the highstreet, on the way back here.” He started, voice quiet as his stare tracked the faint lines of his hand, “The guy you saw in the pictures came out of nowhere really. Me and Teds had just been at that ice cream shop a way down, I didn’t even spot him until he was there, in my face.”

Matty wet his lower lip, mouth suddenly going dry. Mouse just waited.

“Teddy was quick to hide behind me, you know? The loudmouth didn’t even really notice him until the last minute. But you have to know, all I wanted was to get him out of there. To avoid staying too long and attracting the wrong sort of attention. Okay? So I’d said I had to get going as soon as he'd spoken, told him I didn’t have time to stay and chat.” 

He took a quick breath with that, eyes still centred on the deepest groove of his palm. “But then he, then he brought up Luke. Said something about the funeral he didn't go to and wanting to celebrate his life.” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Squeaks’s hands still from their previous bout of fidgeting. “But I told him I was clean. He didn’t believe me at first, which,” Matty huffed out a self-deprecating laugh, “Well, I can’t blame him for that, what with my track record.”

He heard her inhale then and looked up, it seemed as though she was going to say something but thought better. So Matty bit down on the insides of his cheeks to keep from asking before he exhaled slowly, digging a nail into that groove.

“He got a bit aggy, started calling me a toff and whatnot, because I 'spose I was just a rich boy who bought him a couple grams of coke every now and then.” He clucked his tongue thinking about it, but eventually shrugged. “Then I don’t know, he must’ve looked down or something ‘cause that’s when he,” Matty paused and his gaze shot over to her, then away again, “That’s when he spotted Teddy.”

Mouse wrinkled her mouth, then tried to nod, obviously wanting him to continue. Though she kept her eyes trained on the rim of her mug.

“That’s when he said some shit and I reacted.”

“Said what?”

Matty startled a little at the sound of her question but was hasty in his attempt to answer. “Just, he reckoned that Teddy was mine and that I had to have knocked someone up. So now they were just using me for the money.”

Her eyes slipped closed and her fingers tightened their grip on her cup.

Swallowing thickly, Matty went to continue, “I shoved him and told him to do one- that’s what they caught in those photos. I didn't take anything he offered, I didn't even look back after. Just walked away, thinking of Teddy, trying to get him out of there. The bloke, he kept on shouting, saying some crap about this and that. But I carried on walking.”

Matty was proud of that fact, even with everything that had happened since. Not too long ago, a different version of him would have handled it all too severely. It was a step, a tiny one, sure, but it was progress.

“Then what?” Mouse voiced, prompting him along with just a look.

“Then we walked home.” Matty replied, feeling that familiar cloud of shame dawn over him. “We didn’t really speak, I- I was a bit of a mess, trying to figure out what to do next, what to tell Teddy, to say to make it right again. But Teds, he,” Matty hauled in his next breath, all too fucking close to bawling, that he could admit. “He called for me and I looked down at him. All I could say was sorry, Mouse.”

She nodded tightly, the knuckles she had wrapped around her tea cup had whitened.

“He,” Matty felt the corners of his mouth lift as he remembered the bittersweet memory of Teddy trying to soothe him, “He told me it was alright, that we were okay, but I just kept on saying sorry. He said that the bloke was just a bad man, and I assured him of that. Wanting him to know that we were okay, that the guy was long gone. But then he-”

Matty stopped altogether then, a picture of Teddy's little face coming to the forefront of his mind, and Squeaks immediately took note.

“Then what?”

Her eyes were so full of emotion, but which ones he wasn’t too sure. Still, the sight tightened every muscle in his chest as he forced himself to finish what he’d started. “He said we couldn’t tell you.”

Matty knew he couldn’t have imagined the sharp inhale that sounded from her then, as though she'd just received a blow to the chest. And he so desperately wanted to reach out, to wrap her up and just fucking hold her. But he couldn't. It wasn't his place.

He watched on as she licked at her top lip though, blinking back the wetness that shone in her eyes, “Why?” Her voice cracked on the question but she did not cry.

It was a simple answer. “He didn’t want to hurt you.”

Mouse stood then, placing the cup down with some force before she hastily made her way over to the front window. Matty stayed seated, unsure if he’d be welcome near her.

“It fucking broke me, Squeaks.” He admitted after a moment, his lips now tingled with the sheer amount of effort it took for him to not let his emotions get the better of him. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“You should have told me.” Was her reply, sharp and cutting, enough that it fucking wounded. Because Matty knew that she was right.

“I know.” He answered.

“You should have fucking told me, Matty!” She repeated, turning then to face him. He saw the tremble of her shoulders, the curve of her mouth and how it quaked. He stared, couldn't bring himself to look away.

“I know.”

He swallowed, throat almost aching as much as the hole that made up the majority of his chest. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

“I don't know.” He murmured, mostly to himself.

[rantaroamamifuturegf]

Hello, wonderful person on the internet!

Can I ask for a fic with Fem! Reader who is unusually tall and kabedons Fuyuhiko while being super smug about it?

(If you don't know what kabedon is, below is an example)

Thank you for your time

Loving on you

A/N: This is my first time writing a one-shot!!Well a short one-shot but I'll still writing one, so I hope you enjoy!! Sorry it too so long to get out, I've gotten back into classes and got somewhat busy but I'm still making time to write. Anyways I do hope you enjoy sorry it does suck I tried my best! Reader is a bit feisty and sassy bc I don't like Y/Ns who don't have no back bone and as usual spelling errors. Reader is the same height as Akane, 5'7.

Plot: Hanging out with your short boyfriend during a free period and you both got into a small disagreement and he decides to lighten up the mood a bit.

!!Female Reader!!

Character(s) being used: Fuyuhiko

You and Fuyuhiko have been dating for a while now and you both attend Hopes peak together. But due to your height some people find it funny how Fuyuhiko looks more shorter than he usual does when he stand next to you but he always shuts up the person before they can even finish their sentence about the height difference between the both of you.

Personally Fuyuhiko doesn't really mind the height difference but it is a bit embarrassing whenever your both kissing and he's the one having to look up as you while you look down at him, but of course he has his moments where you're the one flustered instead of him. He gets flustered at times as well but always tries to avoiding bring up those moments

Anyways everyone was pretty aware of both of you guys relationship and Peko swore to protect you as much as she protects Fuyuhiko, but he sometimes buts in and says that she doesn't to protect you when he's going to be the one doing it.

there were a couple of times when you shut him down and told him you can protect yourself but he reminds you that he's a yakuza so dating him can be slightly dangerous for you but you stood ground and brushed off his words. Regardless both you and Fuyuhiko were a good couple lol

But as for right now, it was a free period and the both of you were in an empty classroom talking. Unfornately you both were in a small argument about how Fuyuhiko almost got both him and Peko in danger when he was trying to get rid of one of his family's gang rivals the other night.

"(Name) I'm telling you it's no big deal alright? Both me and Peko are okay and my dad said he will dea-" Before he can finish his sentence you cut him off "It's not about who will deal with the situation or not, it's about how reckless you were being! Like did you ever stop and think 'Hey maybe I should just let my old man deal with this because IM JUST A HIGH SCHOOLER' that is exactly what you should have thought before acting!" You said frowning slightly as your boyfriend took a seat on one of the empty desk in the classroom.

"Listen I get what you're saying but they were on my back alright? I care for both me and Peko's life but they were getting to annoying and they had it coming.." He sighed and looked to the ground and crossed his arms, he did feel slightly guilty for almost putting himself and Peko into danger and making you worry wasn't making feel any less guilty but he would be lying if you lecturing him like a child didn't annoy him, but to avoiding getting the argument even worse he kept his mouth shut.

"Well next time can you try to hold back and think before you act? Jeezs I almost feel bad for Peko for having to deal with you at times." You wanted to face palm at his actions but seeing how he actually did feel guilty over his action, you decided to let him off the hook "But I guess for this time, I'll look past it but don't do it again alright?" You crossed your arms and lean against the wall behind you.

He looked up at you then smiled "Yeah yeah I get your words, just stop lecturing me as if I'm your damn kid" He stood up and walked over to you chuckling lightly "Then stop acting like one-" Before you can even finish your sentence, Fuyuhiko then slammed his hand on the wall behind you and grinned "I said stop trying like one alright? I'm your boyfriend (Name), not a kid".

You didn't know how to respond back as you were caught off guard and flustered by his actions as Fuyuhiko stood his ground, despite the obvious height difference knowing that he was able to still make you flustered and embarrassed did make him feel smug.

"Fuyuhiko.." You paused and looked as your smug looking boyfriend as he grin grew slightly as he waited for you to continue "You're just so cute at times" You smiled and hugged him as it was now his turn to be flustered as he blushed slightly then hugged you back "Seriously, You can't just say shit like that out of nowhere...it's ridiculous" "Then don't act all big like that out of nowhere" You giggled as he just scoffed at your words and enjoyed this small moment between the both of you.

The bell did ring signaling that the free period was over, you better not go trying anyone about the cute moment you just spent with your boyfriend or else he'll seriously be even more embarrassed and slightly annoyed.

Hope you enjoy - Manji

[tmntstorycomp]

All the Comp Writing that was behind Puzzles

Hi hi! I realized if you followed the blog but weren't in the discord then you may have missed some of the hidden hints and clues that we had. Here you go!

The Notes:

From Raph

Hey Mikester,

I just wanted to reach out and see how you were doing! I know it’s been a rough past couple of weeks, being alone again probably isn’t all that fun.. But you’re welcome to we want you to come home. 

We want to support you right now, even if you’d rather be alone but..

You can’t do it alone. And we want to help. Come home, Mikey.

Sinserly sinceraly Love, your big brother Raph

From Leo

Miguel!

You need to answer my texts, I should not have to send you notes via portal. BUT. I am trying to respect your space because you are my little brother and I love you. 

However.

As someone who has had my fair share of awful break ups: You didn’t need her. There are plenty of.. Fish in the er… Yeah. 

Listen, my point is that moping around alone is only going to make you feel worse. Come home and we can mope together.

Your favorite brother, Leo

From Donnie

Salutations, Angelo. 

It has come to my attention that you are in need of help, and fortunately for you, I am more than willing to help. 

I have already taken it upon myself to research the best online courses I can find, cross referencing them with affordability- not that we need to worry about that. Your old room is just the way we left it, and I’m sure we can expand it for your expanded inventory. But of course, we can’t do that until you come home. 

I expect a swift reply. 

Sincerely, Donatello.

From April

Hey Mikey!

It’s been awhile! But I heard what happened. I get it. And it can’t be easy raising a little one on your own. You know, my cousin had a baby recently, and I’ve gotten real good at taking care of that! 

And you need a break. Come on, I want to see the little one. It’s been far too long and who knows how big they are! And! I’ll get pizza on my way over, does that sound like a deal?

I miss you Angie, and I’m bringing toys for your kid. 

Love you, April

From Splinter

Orange. 

I AM NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. I HAVE BEEN ASKING YOU, MY SONS, FOR GRANDCHILDREN SINCE YOU ALL TURNED OF AGE. I WANT TO BE A GRANDFATHER.

If you do not bring young Masaccio back to the lair, there will be dire consequences. DIRE. I will not die not knowing my little grand baby!

And we can have tea. I hope you will tell me all that troubles you, my son. 

Forever, your father. 

The Letters:

To Massy

Dear Masaccio,

I bet you have a lot of questions. And many of them I don’t have answers to. I wish I could explain everything to you.

I wish I could have been better for you.

But you’ll come to find out that taking care of someone else is.. well, it’s a big responsibility. One that you have to be prepared for in order to give them the best chances. And I want you to have the best chances you can have. 

I can’t give that to you. 

I wasn’t prepared for the toll that having you would have on me. And I can’t be your caretaker any more. I’m not strong enough for you, and I understand if that leaves you angry with me. 

You deserve to be angry with me.

But it’s important you understand. I may dislike being your parent, but I have always loved you.

You probably won’t remember, but as I’m writing you this letter, I have you curled up in my tail. We had spent the entire day together. You were practically bouncing off the walls, my little frog. You have so much energy, just like your father. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up! 

Today, you learned how to finger paint. Daddy sat with you the entire time, he said you had the magic touch, just like him. You smeared paint across the table and the pages and the carpet. You were having fun and your laughter was infectious.

I’m trying not to laugh now at how happy you looked with splotches of red, green, and blue every which way. I remember making daddy swear he would clean it all up..

But then his brothers called. You know how daddy is a hero. He’s always out there keeping our city safe. But, with daddy gone, it was just you and me.

You fought the bath, you fought dinner, you wanted him. And I wasn’t him. 

Maybe you remember then… how I raised my voice. I shouted at you to behave and you looked… so sad.

I’m so very sorry Massy, I should have never raised my voice, I should’ve never said those things to you. But I can’t promise it won’t happen again. 

Like I wrote, I’m not prepared for a wonderful child like you. And because of that, I need to go before I deal any more damage to you. 

You cried yourself to sleep because of what I did, because I couldn’t bring myself to hold you and wipe your tears. Daddy’s home now, and he’ll be there when I’m gone.

I believe in the turtle you can become, Masaccio.

Taina

To Mikey

Dear Michelangelo,

This isn’t how I wanted to do this, he’s only just a kid. I look at him now and wonder how I was silly enough to let these years pass me by. He’s so little now, his eyes are so full of light that sometimes it’s hard to peer into them.

Sometimes, it stings. But even now as I write this, I have him curled around my tail and you’re fast asleep. He’s almost cute. But then I remember the tantrum that I battled just to get him here. Just to get him to stay quiet so I have a few moments of peace and suddenly he’s not the cute toddler that I had hoped. He’s a screeching monster of tears and snot.

And I love him. I love him so much. But Michelangelo, he’s not mine to love. He’s not my baby. I can’t be here to raise him. 

And I’m sorry.

But I can’t do more. You keep saying that if we just push through it then we will come out the other side but the further I push the deeper into the earth I feel.

I shouldn’t have allowed this to go so far, but you were so happy. 

Do you remember the night we met? 

It was raining in New York. I was just freshly mutated, I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I’d heard stories of mutants in New York for years by then but I guess I never believed them. I was squatted underneath a bunch of cardboard and you…

I still smile thinking about the way you fell into my life. You said you’d been dancing on the rooftops and slipped.

Dancing, while the city around you was nothing but gloom, you danced until you came tumbling into my life.

We were so happy. I was happy. And I found the place where I belonged in your arms and everything was fine. 

Late nights staying up, playing with the soft strands of hair along your scalp as you showed off drawing after drawing. Taking in the soft glow of the candles every which way. We were in our very own slice of heaven. Then you asked me to marry you and the world came to a halt.

I could’ve sworn my heart had exploded that day from my excitement…

… maybe it did.

Because we were wed and we were happy and we were- We were us! Nothing could tear us down until..

Until you said you wanted a baby.

And I was hesitant. Were we even ready for that? Was I ready for it? No.. and I said that, you understood and we waited a year and you asked again. And you looked so hopeful that I would say “Yes, I’m ready!”

But I wasn’t.

I’m still not.

But I said yes anyways and you were so excited that I convinced myself I wanted this. And that’s when we had our Masaccio…

I love him t

o the moon and back, Mikey, I really do. But I’m not ready to be his parent, and he needs someone whose ready. He needs someone who won’t grow to resent him just for being a kid. I can’t grow to resent him. 

Your family will love him, pick up the burdens that I leave behind. You will love him.

You’ve always been extraordinary, Mikey. You’ve always been as bright as the sun. I don’t want to eclipse our little planet. 

I love you, Michelangelo. 

Be brave,  Taina

Massy's Father's Day Poem

Happy Father’s Day, I say to the man who told me I was loved, Who has been there in every way, Splattered paints and shiny toys,  A happy home to grow my heart,

Happy Father’s Day, I say to the man who kept me safe, Who tended to scrapes whenever I’d play, Bruised knees and tiny cuts, A safe home to protect my heart,

Happy Father’s Day, I say to the man who lied to me, Who told me everything was okay, Ancient letters and pleas to stay, A quiet home to pierce my heart,

Happy Mother’s Day, I say to no one who cares to listen, Who left because I was too much a fray, An old photograph and mental strain, An empty home to break my heart.

[fromtheboundlesssea]

Never thought a show could get worse with their writing decisions till now, because literally what are they doing, so many characters are different from who they were in the first season, their motives are all over the place, I honestly don’t care what aemond did to aegon if it wasn’t for the fact it was in the midst of the war, they now literally only have one dragon on their side to fight, they should have made this a mistake like in the book instead of trying to change and go on a whole diff arc that doesn’t make any sense.

I feel like this might be my last season. It’s just getting so bad. I feel like all the things certain people wanted in game of thrones (Starkbowl, as in Dark!Sansa and Arya actually following through on her threats to Sansa, savior Targ vs villainous redhead) plays out in this show. And every episode just gets worse and worse.

The thing about GoT is that while the last couple/few seasons of the show were not great, D&D had at least built a sort of rapport with the audience so we trusted them to a degree. When they had books to adapt they did a decent job and it’s only when they had to make things up that they started messing up, but even then we initially didn’t think it was *that* bad because we got episodes like Battle of the Bastards and, until they cut their seasons shorter, they did at least attempt to give opposing sides even amounts of intrigue that let you cheer for them even if you did not really want that side to win. LOVED the Lannisters despite I knew they would be doomed.

We had YEARS with the cast. We watched the younger cast grow up and saw the older cast age.

We don’t have any of that with the GoT cast despite the cast being excellent here. We glossed over so much time in season 1 and we’re told off handedly about what happened without any indication of how this affected the characters. I honestly don’t think the writers contemplated what the characters were actively doing between timeskips. They either change drastically (Rhaenyra going from not wanting any marriage or children to suddenly popping out three bastards, or Aemond being proficient at swords) or remain so stagnant that nothing has apparently changed in the near decade we last saw the characters.

The writing, while bad last season, was at least somewhat entertaining with the cast really being able to shine through in quite a few of the scenes. This season is more sparse with its quality scenes that are then thrown away in the very next episode so they don’t really matter anymore. Season 1 characterization goes out the window. Where we left off characters is not where we pick them up. We miss very important scenes that would help us establish things.

Again, this might be my last season and it’s making me even less hopeful for the Dunk & Egg show. They really should have stayed away from characters that we have more set understandings of.

We should have gotten the Starks and the Long Night show as we know they would win, but we would know nothing about these characters or their motivations. Or that show that had Naomi Watts (I think) as a Lannister. Those could have been interesting shows where Condal could have made up crap to his heart’s delight.

It gets so annoying when shows that are based on books become inspired by instead. I understand Fire & Blood is a history book, but they could have fleshed the characters out more. We could have done dual historic perspectives like The Last Battle (not a great movie but an intriguing premise) or a dual timeline where we could see the past and the present intermingled.

It’s just… bad. This truly might be my last season for HotD to watch intently. I might watch next season, but not with any excitement. I would be surprised if we get a fourth season at the rate they’re going.

[leighlew3]

I've been thinking about this a bit lately, and there was a small misunderstanding when I dipped my toe (and then whole body 😂) into the SC / SG fandom, i.e. a few people unfortunately thinking I was trying to mislead or exploit fans in some way, because of others from this industry who used and lied to fans in the past re: a different show. And while that was unfair to paint me with the same brush without knowing me, I can understand where they could’ve had concerns because of wounds caused by others.

Hopefully people understand by now though that wasn’t the case. As I’ve said so many times before, if nobody around here ever consumes anything I write? Cool beans! But I’m both a professional in this industry and a lifelong fan girl and that’s not gonna change. And I’m going to talk about both my career and fandom stuff. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I do hope people know by now that I’m here for the right reasons, and always have been. And I always will be. But if I ever did anything that made it come across otherwise — I truly apologize. I mean it, seriously. Any misunderstandings that I might’ve inadvertently caused through making a dumb math joke or expressing that fans should always have hope and fight for what they believe in, etc — if it upset anybody in any way or wasn’t expressed properly by me at the time — I feel awful.

While I can’t do anything about a couple people who twisted my words or intentions or even flat out lied about stuff being said or done that never happened — I do want to own any part I had in it by not more quickly clarifying or shutting that stuff down. I really do feel bad about all that, because all I’ve ever wanted to do was show love and be understood and connect with people and fight for the ship and fandom, and I’ve done that online (and behind the scenes in ways that I can’t even talk about) for years now.

I adore y’all, and I will always be a Supercorp fan. I’ve always been (brutally) honest and an open book, but I’ve also just been passionate (and sometimes sadly misunderstood) by the occasional little pocket of people. And that sucks. But I don’t hold it against them, and I hope nobody holds that stuff against me.

I'm posting this now, because after losing my mom this year and with the holidays coming up, I've been reflecting a lot. And I realize that life is too short for grudges or misunderstandings that can be corrected or made amends for, so I hope people know that I love y’all and appreciate y’all and any past minor conflicts or accidental misunderstandings — even if it was just with a few people — really sucked, and I hope there can be mutual forgiveness.

Anyway, I don’t expect everybody to like me or agree with my perspectives, or even approve of how I go about expressing myself. But we can’t control anybody else in life. All we can do is control ourselves, self reflect, and work towards growth. Thus, if I ever did anything to make anybody — even just 2 or 3 or 10 people — feel any kind of negative way, that's a big oops on my end, and I'm sorry.

And if some of those people still feel like it was entirely justified to target me so intensely the way they did — hey, bygones and I forgive it — and I still want to offer nothing but love and hope that the future brings better things for us all. For real.

TLDR: The last 5-ish years on a personal level have been incredibly difficult, and the last 6+ months have been emotional hell, but the ship between Kara/Lena and the SC fandom as a whole has been there for me in the most incredible of ways (through humor and fan art and fanfiction and friendships and lions and tigers and bears). And I’ve tried to be there in return, as much as humanly possible, and as authentically as possible.

And that’s why the little percentage that didn't like or trust me — I hope we can metaphorically hug it out and move forward and I hope I’ve made some progress in your perception of me over time, but even if not — or hell, if it’s gotten worse for some reason, I’m going to continue to show love and support towards this ship / fandom and fight for our LGBTQ community. Because I truly care. Even if I’m human and make some mistakes along the way, past or future. Even if people misunderstand me sometimes.

All I can do is my best. And that’s all I’ve ever tried to do...

Love y’all. 💜

P.S. If you’d like to chat or seek to be unblocked or whatever, send me a message via a burner or on Instagram DM or somethin’ and we’ll chitty chat and hopefully hug it out. I’m down. Cheers. 🤙

[smilesrobotlover]

Whumptober day 6- alternate prompt, reluctant whumper.

Had to do an alternate prompt. Ok so this isn’t an au that y’all are familiar with. I’ve talked about it a couple of times but I doubt anyone remembers it. This fic about my other Link oc who I called Real. Basically the main premise of his story is that the royal family found the hero of Hyrule and raised him in the castle, however the royal family is stupid and the “hero” they found is not the hero at all. They raised him to be a strong hero, they made him believe that he had the hero’s spirit, and so they created a monster. We’ll call him Fake. Real is the real hero lol. But he doesn’t really know. And Fake was so angry about this that he took Real to try to steal the Triforce of wisdom and the master sword. Real escapes and has Linebeck the 67th, who goes by Beck, to take him home. It’s this whole thing and I really wanted to write a fic for this au so I hope you enjoy even tho you don’t know the full story

Warnings for a bloody injury

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young hero dragged himself across the island, making his way towards the docks where Beck waited. He sucked in a breath and clutched his arm. He could hide this, easily. He forced a smile when Beck saw him, and he quickly moved onto the boat, ignoring Beck’s gaze.

“Uh, good to see you too?” Beck said, and Link nodded before turning to the lower decks.

“Good to see you too Beck,” he said quickly, speed walking across the deck.

“Is something wrong?” Beck asked.

“No, no nothing is wrong,” Link said quickly.

“Then why are you acting so… weird?” Beck moved in front of Link, blocking him off from the decks.

“I-I’m not,” Link stammered, “I’m just…. Dirty… is all.”

Beck stared at him while Link moved around him, jogging to the lower decks. He almost made it to the door when Beck suddenly grabbed his arm, causing Link to hiss in pain.

“Oooooh I see,” Beck deadpanned, seeing the blood soaked sleeve, “You’re trying to hide an injury from me.”

Link ripped away from his grip, not looking at him. “I’m fine,” he grumbled.

“Good goddesses Link, what is wrong with you?” Beck snapped, blocking Link’s way. “Trying to hide an injury like that will only make things worse!”

“I don’t need your help!”

Beck rolled his eyes. “So what? You’re going to let that bleed out until you die? Is that your plan? Or are you going to let it get infected? Or are you going to let blood get all over my ship?”

“Just shut up and get out of my way!” Link yelled, trying to move past Beck, who didn’t budge.

“Link– you— ugh,” Beck’s expression softened slightly, and he gripped both of Link’s shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes. “Kid, I don’t know why you try to put on this– tough guy act– but it’s not gonna work on me. Just let me help you for once.”

“I don’t need your help!” Link yelled again, breaking free from Beck’s grip. Beck let him go this time, but he slowly followed him into the deck below. Link marched over to his bed and plopped down, cradling his injured arm. He got hurt, again, because he did something stupid, again. How was he supposed to be some big and important hero if he couldn’t even keep himself from getting hurt. He was always a careless kid, and everytime he’d come home with a new bump or bruise, he’d get nothing but a scolding from his mother. He’d gotten quite good at hiding some small injuries from his mother, but he felt like he could hide nothing from Beck. He could even feel Beck’s gaze piercing his neck, and he desperately tried to ignore it as small drops of blood landed in his lap. Finally, the silence was too much for him, and he spoke up. “What do you want?”

“I’m making sure that you take care of yourself.”

“Why?”

“You said you didn’t need my help, so prove to me that you don’t need my help.”

Link glared at him while grabbing his blanket and throwing it over the wound. Beck groaned.

“Well that’s better than nothing.”

“Will you leave me alone?”

“Why are you so mad at me trying to help you?”

Link squeezed his arm and curled up on the bed, not saying anything.

“Link, look, if you want to stay on my boat I need some level of respect, ok?”

Link growled and curled up even tighter.

“Link, hey, talk to me.”

Link shot up and stared down Beck. “Why do you care so much?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why do you care whenever I get hurt?”

“Uh, because I don’t want you to die? Or to be in pain? Is that so bad?”

Link didn’t say anything again and curled up. Beck sighed and walked over to him.

“Link, putting a blanket over your open wound isn’t gonna do anything. Please, let me just… bandage it up.”

“No.”

“Fine, let me get you bandages so you can do it yourself!”

“No.”

“For the goddess’s sake,” Link heard Beck grumble as he got up and left the deck, leaving Link alone. Link curled up tighter and clutched his aching arm, shame making his face go hot. He blinked a few tears away from his one good eye and buried his face in his knees. He heard Beck return and bandages were thrown at him gently. He looked up at Beck who was staring at him with a softer expression. Link pursed his lips and sat up, grabbing the bandages with his good arm and taking off the bloodied blanket, looking at the mess before him. He looked up at Beck with an unsure look, and Beck tilted his head.

“Need help?”

Link sighed, too tired to argue and nodded. Beck smiled slightly and grabbed a rag with a bowl of water and sat down on the floor, looking at the injury. Link sucked in a sharp breath as the rag began cleaning the wound. After what felt like forever, Beck began wrapping up the wound with the bandages, and Link watched silently, guilt bubbling up in his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Beck looked up at him and smiled. “It’s alright, I’m sorry too, for raising my voice.”

Link hunched his shoulder and felt the tears beginning to sting his eye again. Beck finished wrapping his arm and gave it a gentle pat, before standing up to leave.

“W-wait, Beck?” Link called out, and he stopped, giving Link his full attention. “Are you…. Mad?”

“Well, not anymore, I guess I did lose my temper back there thou–”

“No, like… mad that I got myself hurt.”

Beck frowned. “No. I’m mostly upset that you don’t want to take care of yourself when you are hurt. So much so that you actually hide it from me.”

Link looked down. “Whenever I get hurt, my momma gets mad at me. It’s just easier not to tell her.”

Beck stared at him with a blank expression, and Link looked away.

“I’m not mad. We all get hurt, Link. Sometimes we can’t control it,” Beck finally said.

Link sighed and looked down at his bandaged arm. “I wish I was stronger… I wish I was a better hero…”

“Well, I don’t want to underestimate you, but you are twelve. Asking you to be a perfect and strong hero now would be like asking a baby to run around castle town in a minute. It’ll take time, kid.”

Link sighed. “Yeah…”

Beck leaned against a wall and pursed his lips. “You don’t have to hide any injuries from me, ok? In fact, I don’t want you to hide injuries from me. I won’t get mad at you if you’re hurt, ok?”

Link looked up and smiled at Beck, who smiled back before turning to the stairs.

“Now get some rest, kid,” he said, “I’ll be here if you need me.”

[icedmetaltea]

Talking about stuff

Really contemplating leaving tumblr for another site in the near future... does anyone know a good substitute? Like, on one hand I love this site, but on the other hand man. I've been getting way less notes lately. I can't help but feel like it's my fault, that either I've been posting too much and am annoying people or my art/writing has gotten worse. Same issue with ao3 so leaning on the latter possibility.

I know it's selfish, but it's not like I'm the only one who feels this way. Lots of artists and writers have been complaining about the discrepancy between likes/reblogs. No matter how many followers I've gotten over the years, the success of any piece of art/writing will depend on who reblogs it and when, and how many reblogs it gets in general. If it doesn't get enough it quickly gets swept under the rug like it never existed.

A single piece of art or writing can equate to many hours of work on my part, and if it's barely seen it's like... why bother.

I know it's selfish, I know there are still people who reblog and comment and everything, and truly I appreciate it, more than anyone could ever know.

But I also just feel like an annoying failure who never stops talking and that people would prefer if I was gone. So they can look forward to seeing stuff from the real artists, the real writers, the people who actually have talent.

I want to be someone people see and are able to feel happier as a result... right now I just feel like a burden to not only everyone in my life (hence why I've been distracting myself by drowning myself in art lately) but also you guys.

I know I'm not just a source of entertainment, I know I shouldn't care so damned much about what others think, and again I know I sound really fucking selfish to worry about all this, but it's been eating at me so much lately.

So I see a couple options.

Take time away and let the water run clear so to speak then abuse the fuck out of the queue so I stop mass reblogging (a nasty habit of mine, surely annoying to many)

Move to a different site, if there are any where I won't feel like such a speck. Idk. Maybe I'll feel like that everywhere.

I guess I could rectify that side blog idea I had a while back so asks, headcanons, doodles, non-fnaf posts and whatnot, just keep this up for main art/writing. Kinda leaning toward that rn. Less spam, less annoyance.

Just disappear for good. Delete it all. It's been a thought in the back of my head for a long time anyway. Start new somewhere else. Or just draw/write for myself. I also don't want to make any rash choices atm cause I know the past 3 months have been hell and I'm not thinking clearly. I've been depressed as fuck and I may regret choices I make right now. But what if I don't? Maybe I'll be better for it idk

[astorythatwritesitself]

Shepard AMA Round 5!

I had the day off and couldn't play anything so writing it is! I'm also likely going to go through the past ones again in the near...ish.... future, since development has been kicking for a good year or so and I've gotten some things ironed out. In the meantime, though!

(As always, almost anything discussing Adrian as a character carries major CWs for discussions of suicidal thoughts/self destructive/harmful tendencies)

And as always, question list from the fantastic @spookyvalentine ! Have fun lol

1. What is Shepard’s favorite store on the citadel?

    Less a single store, and more of a shopping area - there's a little plaza in Bachjret Ward that functions as an open market, with vendors constantly changing out. It's a great place to get specialty items - particularly ingredients and flowers, there's a long tradition of hobbyist gardeners who've specialized in growing niche plants on space stations, but you'll find a lot of... for lack of better phrasing, garage-sale type setups too. Adrian's father usually took her there to pick out a treat or otherwise just enjoy the crowds, when the Shepards wound up at the Citadel when she was a kid; and even during the events of the series she would stop by there to find something special for the crew.

2. What is the public’s opinion/awareness of Shepard?

   Varied - actually kind of a low opinion through most of ME1 - there was a lot of speculation that the hunt against Saren was a coverup for something else, and the human getting promoted to Spectre just seemed. Weird and not everyone trusted it lol. Adrian actually damn near tanked her reputation after Virmire; if Sovreign hadn't shown up when it did, she'd probably be cemented as 'that weirdo who tried to proposition Counciler Tevos in front of everyone'. ME2 era sees a solid split in human opinions, due to her 'humanity isn't more important to me than any other species' stance; but she's become quite popular among quarian and krogan crowds; generally she's regarded as a solid hero; which carries strongly into & beyond 3.

3. Armax arsenal arena: do they participate? How do they like it?

  She'd probably give it a few goes, and actually pick it up a lot more post-war, once she's out of the Alliance. Those instincts aren't going anywhere, after all, and it actually becomes kind of a way to face down some of the like. Trauma lol.

4. Shepard wakes up in an alternate universe. What tips them off?

Define the alternate universe xD ... actually, since I am writing that 'Shep & Thane get to live' AU - waking up at all, and that everyone else is seeing Thane would do it. (Or, sticking her in my other favorite video game... that she is on a world where there's giant terrifying beasts but they just want to be friends is. Weird. But she can gel with becoming a pokemon trainer.)

5. What kind of relationship does Shepard have with Javik?

 

Weird - but it becomes fairly friendly, and she's actually kind of grateful to have him around, because she's been spending the last couple years with a degree of thought patterns and instincts that are alien beyond anyone's comprehension, and it's so... just. Isolating. He's a little abbrasive for her taste otherwise, but she's dealt with worse and would still choose to hang out with Javik over a few others lol.

6. The first thing a person notices about Shepard’s appearance:

  In ME1 - the scars. She works to downplay them, but she could never bring herself to seek reconstructive surgery/otherwise actually like... cover them. Post-Lazarus though... it's her eyes, probably. Very expressive, and they're that sort of deep, still brown that's a little striking at first. (Or a lot striking, if you're asking a certain drell-)

7. How approachable are they?

Adrian radiates some weird invisible 'Please Tell Me I'm Useful' aura that drags people in, no matter how much she tries to put up a prickly stance, and unfortunately it takes until like 2189 until she feels comfortable saying 'no'. (And to her friends... she's not really 'approachable', because most of the time /she's/ coming to /them/ first xD)

8. What is the difference between me1 and me3 Shepard? Do they notice, or does someone have to point it out?

   ME1 Adian is nervous but collected, and very good at keeping her internal issues on the inside, where they belong, because of course she can't be a burden; she's a good soldier who will follow orders and do whatever she can for others; and it's not until her death that her crewmates realize... huh, she's happy to listen to our problems, however deep they run, but her answers, when they asked about her? Kind of... shallow.

ME3 Adrian is. Uh. CW for suicidal tendencies in the canon section.

Good end: Openly frightened but there's a lightness to her that's never been there before, and she no longer speaks about the future like she's not going to be there; she's prioritizing her goals and what she feels needs to be done, regardless of damage to her, the Alliance, or the Council's reputations.

Canon: A determined, selfless hero who will see things through to the end, and if she somehow survives... it won't be for long because she is goddamn /done/ with existing.

9. Did/does Shepard have any alien biases?

She's got a soft spot for the krogan, quarians and geth; and has a lot of thoughts about the way first contact with the drell was handled, and this was /before/ meeting Thane.

10. How do they handle a teammate being badly injured during a mission?

     Extremely well, all things considered - her intial training and official designation /did/ partially center around being a field medic, after all, so she kind of slips into that detached headspace of assessment and appropriate follow-up that keeps any anxiety at bay for a while; and usually by the time it hits, they afflicted teammate is at least stable enough that she can work through it well. (Garrus' being hit on Omega was probably the closest she got to totally cracking on the job, as it were.)

11. Who is in their inner circle?

    Ashley, Wrex, EDI, Joker, Miranda and, of course, Thane, wind up the closest to her in the end. (She was also quite close to Kaiden and Mordin, before their deaths; and she's not necessarily on bad terms with any of the other crewmates - but with the likes of like, Tali, Jack, Grunt and Garrus? They're all more like... she had to be strong for them, there's more of a mentor-ish vibe there where she maintained a certain... veneer of having it together, and the others fall into good friend, great to hang out with, but not quite the same level of 'I am willing to let you see me hurt and crying' closeness).

12. What does Udina think of them?

  He'd Rather Not, Thank You. (I.e: He had very high hopes but oh dear god, Shepard is. Such a mockery of his hopes for the first human Spectre, and his only solace is that she manages to piss off the Council about as much as she crosses him.)

13. What does Shepard think of Saren?

     She's... honestly not sure. Annoyed with him at first, but after realizing he was indoctrinated for quite some time, and doing some research... in the end? She just feels sorry for him, and wishes there was something else that could have been done.

14. Is Shepard’s first death publicized? (Since in game seems both people know about it and the alliance covered it up)

  To a degree - there were theories that she was in some deep-cover operation, but the Alliance did officially declare her MIA/PKIA about a year after the Collector attack, and there was a memorial service.

15. Did they have any relationships pre-me1? Still around?

  Not really - Adrian's always been a little weird on the relationship front; there's a lot of sorting out of 'am I actually on the aromantic range or am I just terrified of being in love as a soldier because I've spent my entire life seeing how much hurt that tends to result in' (the answer is six of one, half a dozen of the other) that never gets done, so she mostly wound up with a few things that never got past a third date during her time in college; and it declined even further after Akuze. (And considering her partners were all Alliance, up til Thane... most of them aren't around any more, but there is another XO out there who is absolutely flabbergasted to see that tech nerd she slept with that one time suddenly all over the news...)

16. What additions did Cerberus give Shepard?

      I play it as pretty mild, all things considered. Most of her organs are, to some extent, synthetic/artificially enhanced, a lot of reinforcements to her muscle and bones that have left her pretty durable. The biggest differences are that she got her left ear back, and to steal from some other HCs - the cybernetics mean her eyes kind of glow in the dark now - results in enhanced night vision, and delightful terror to unsuspecting crewmates!

 

17. Have they done any interviews? How did the first one go? And the most recent?

       The first interview she ever did was actually when she was a kid, and attending a biotics camp that had just accepted its first wave of human students, which consisted of Adrian and exactly one other kid - most human biotics were headed to BAaT, but Adrian's parents leaned towards 'you know we'll go with the people who've had like. Centuries. To figure this out' mindset. It went pretty well, and definitely set a tone for her future lol, since she was spending a lot of time around aliens and had a pretty positive opinion of the whole thing.

      Her most recent interview would probably be just after the Reaper War, and consists of 'I Am Retired Please Leave Me The Fuck Alone.'

18. What do they think of the alliance?

   It's been her entire life. Every home, most of her friends, her schooling, her career... all of it was steeped in the Alliance. It wasn't perfect - and there was a lot she wanted to change, but if she was a good enough soldier? Maybe she could make some changes, one day? By the time she realized no, no one soldier (however good) could make a real change to the entire system... well, Sunk Cost Fallacy is a bitch, she genuinely wasn't sure how she could function outside of Alliance structure. Post-Akuze left her extremely disillusioned - that no, they really did value image over integrity. She should have faced some punishment for her actions... and instead, she gets lauded as a hero and a survivor, an example of what humanity can endure, and she would basically lose her entire life if she ever spoke up otherwise... and like a good Alliance soldier, she was too scared of that unknown, so she played along and kept up the good looks.

19. What are they like, when in a bad mood? How obvious is it?

     She gets a little more terse and withdrawn, and her usual way of dealing with it is... pretty much dissociation, honestly. She can't snap because it'll be Bad For Image, or because the situation doesn't actually /warrant/ anger, or getting angry won't do anything to help... so. Yeah. Adrian gets angry and swallows it down and just kind of goes blank until her nerves are calmer. Completely healthy coping mechanisms.

20. Does Shepard’s armor hold any significance to them? What about a weapon?

  Eh... armor, not really; she often swapped it out. Weapons were also generally regarded as tools, kept well-maintained but without much attachment... until she got the Widow xD She fucking /loved/ that thing - it's big, it's sturdy, it can punch through damn near anything, it's beautiful.

21. What was Shepard like before the alliance?

  There was no pre-Alliance Shepard, really... but before active service, she was sligtly less anxiety-riddled and a little more hopeful? Not by /much/ though, tbh, she's just always been kind of tinged with sadness and fear.

22. What was the post-lazarus reunion between shepard and joker like?

     Damp.

There were a lot of tears - mostly on Adrian's part, because she had died only half-sure she actually got Joker out, so seeing he was alive... that was. A lot to process. Joker, meanwhile - like he knew this was coming, but hearing 'hey yeah we've got Shepard's frozen scorched corpse and we're gonna bring her back' and seeing her there were worlds apart.

23. Ever had a broken heart?

  Losing Kaiden counts in some respect - even if she wasn't sure if she did want to pursue something, there was /something/ blossoming there... and then, there wasn't. (She also very much suffers one in canon!ME3, losing Thane definitely breaks her in a way that never mends. And in my tweaked canon/They Live version... she gets a very intense familial heartbreak (: )

24. Are they funny?

   Moderately, and it works best when she's not trying to be funny.

25. Have they made pursuits into further education? Any degrees?

    Went to military college and got a degree in computer science (main focus was decryption and disruption), also took a few medical courses to supplement her combat medic goals. Post-wartime, she pursues education in literature and marine biology.

26. Does Shepard have a Twitter account

   Adrian has a few social media accounts, and nearly all of them are just there to grab it before someone can try to fake them, there's very little activity beyond Official Needs. (She is (anonymously) active on... for lack of better phrasing, space Tumblr, though. No text posts though, she is strictly there to post & share photography).

27. The last time they were rude to someone:

  Honestly, Adrian stays pretty polite? The only people she's really told to fuck off, in as many words, were The Illusive Man and Udina lol.

28. Does Shepard have any family?

   A fair bit! Both her mother and father are alive up through & beyond the events of ME3 - Hannah remains in the Alliance throughout, while her father leaves the Alliance in the years between Adrian's first death and resurrection, instead operating at low income clinics on the Citadel (and a volunteer medic during the Battle of London). Hannah's side also sees an aunt, two uncles, and grandparents; while Adrian Sr. was a foster kid who bounced between homes most of his life, and wasn't formally adopted - but he keeps in contact with the women who cared for him in those last couple years before he signed on with the Alliance, and Adrian did meet them a couple times. That said, most of Adrian's life was spent beyond the Charon relay, and she never actually visited Earth in person until she was a teenager; her relationship with her extended family was pretty distant and limited.

29. Does the alliance use their image for propaganda/recruitment? Did they agree to/want it?

   For a while, after her death - Adrian expressly denied permission while she was alive, but Hannah okayed digital reconstructions after Adrian's death - and oh god yeah the Alliance regretted the /shit/ out of it. 1: They were creepy as hell. 2: The public backlash was /intense/ - not just from civilians either; Ashley and Joker both sent in some very strong letters.

30. A moment that almost made Shepard quit:

   As bad as a lot of them were? None of them actually made her want to quit, really. After all, what else would she have, without the Alliance?

31. Ask Dr. Chakwas: what kind of patient is Shepard?

   A... consistent patient. Frequently in, because she's always doing something she shouldn't, but she's very tractable. Sits still, doesn't flinch or jump, gets a gold star and lollipop every time sort.

32. Is Shepard the type to give speeches?

   A little - she doesn't exactly /mean/ to, but also she has consumed far too much poetry so it leaks into her pep talks xD

33. What does the council think of their first human spectre?

   They'd Rather Not, Thank You. (Okay, actually, they're pretty impressed by the end of things, and they did at least appreciate that she took the charge of protecting the galaxy to heart - even among prior spectres, there was often a bias towards their own species, but Adrian really did exemplify that notion of protecting /everyone/ equally.)

34. What was Jack’s first impression of shepard? And now?

   "Oh dear god this fucking prissy bitch is going to be the death of me I am not falling into any uniform or behaviour requirements' lol. Definitely softens, especially since Adrian does really listen to her and doesn't like... try to /fix/ shit, she just listens and /will/ help but doesn't force it. (She also does kinda appreciate the fact that, Adrian is a nerd... but she's a nerd who knows and appreciates poetry so maybe that's something she can share with someone else?) In the end? Considers Adrian a very annoying but beloved older sibling.

35. How was that mako joyride from ilos to the citadel?

   White-knuckled terror for Adrian and Garrus. Best goddamn day of Tali's life cause she was at the wheel for it.

36. What was going through Shepard’s head, when they met Sovereign on Virmire?

   A Lot. A weird relief, because shit started falling into place. Existential terror of Lovecraftian proportions. And an undeniable flicker of curiosity and awe, because holy shit /sapient robot cuttlefish-/

37. What is their favorite way to eat potatoes

   Mashed with a lot of butter, garlic, salt and pepper; though she won't say no to a good jacket potato.

38. Lucky, or unlucky?

   It's all in how you look at things - many would say Adrian's lucky to have survived so much, after all. Adrian would... Respectfully Disagree and leave it at that. (She does count herself lucky for her friends, though.)

39. What would Shepard say their flaws are?

  That she is, at heart, a coward. She abandoned her squad on Akuze, and then was too afraid to speak out when the Alliance fudged things to save face; too afraid to leave the Alliance even once she started to hate it. She's bad at enforcing boundaries, and fears rejection enough that she'd rather make herself horribly uncomfortable than just say 'no' and have to deal with someone's disapproval.

40. What’s their pain tolerance like?

  Horrifyingly high, and this was pre-Lazarus. See 'will endure physical discomfort over rejection' above; Adrian just... kind of accidentally internalized a 'suck it up and deal' approach; to the point she tends to miss some mild injuries, and managed to stay conscious and moving despite thresher maw acid getting into her hardsuit and eating at her. Only increases post-Lazarus, she winds up... /mostly/ accidentally hurting herself a few times during the worst of it.

41. Shepard’s been turned into an animal! What are they?

    If she had a choice in the matter - Greenland shark or giant isopod. Going by general vibes though... Ross Seal. Look at em.

Shep go -laser sounds-

42. Does Shepard imagine what retirement will be like?

   In true canon? No. Adrian never does quite reconcile a life outside the Alliance, and fully expects - and after a while, /hopes/ - she'll just die relatively young in battle and not have to face the horrible gaping void that is the future.

   Tweaked canon? Not until most of the way through ME2 - the above still stands, but in the tweaked canon... she started spending time with Thane simply because he was also Doomed By The Narrative, and in this situation, had just... not pursued treatment for his condition, so there was a very grim but kind of pleasant mutual understanding of Things. But he's also on a ship with like some of the best medics in the galaxy and a lady who knows how to fix up organs, and saving Kolyat spurs him to see if anything can be done, or if it is too late. And /that/ leads to... not quite a fight, but a Strong Discussion that finally truly cracks through Adrian's whole... wall of Hell that everyone else has already started to wear down, that she finally allows herself to think, well, what if there /is/ a future for her?

  It's pants-shittingly terrifying and she hates it, because now everything is /so much scarrier and more fragile/, not to mention she still has no idea what it could actually /involve/, and even up through ME3's events, all she can really think of for if she survives (and gods help her, for the first time in her life, she's hoping she will)?

She'd like a home of some sort, with Thane. She'd like to learn how to cook. Anything else is still... too much. Too scary. But a home on solid ground and a new, useful skill. She can imagine those.   

43. What would they rather: wake up four years into the past, or four years into the future? Why?

   Tough call - assuming like, end of ME3? Adrian's... really not sure. She's done the timeskip into the future thing, and things did ultimately work out... and she's a little afraid, if she woke up in the past as she is 'now'? She might not be able to pull everything off a second time. So, future it is.

44. Does collateral damage matter to Shepard?

    To an extent - she doesn't like causing more damage than is necessary, but also if it's inanimate object vs someone getting hurt, welp, sucks to be an object.

45. Do they vote?

    Oh absolutely.

46. Favorite bar/club in the galaxy and why:

      Afterlife. The irony of having to go there immediately after coming back from being dead was kind of great, and the music is exactly her sort of jam - seriously, when she's scanning planets or building a ship she just has it on a loop. Idk she just vibes with it.

47. Do they let others take care of them?

Yeah she takes 'physician, heal thyself' a little too seriously and for... pretty much her entire life past 18, the only thing resembling care she'd really accept from others without (much) protest or immediately trying to do something in return was food, and that's because she could never get the hang of cooking even instant noodles.

48. How does Shepard feel about paperwork?

    Necessary, often annoying, but also it gets her out of her brain so that's why she's buried in it through ME2.

49. What do they wear to sleep?

Varies a little by temperature, but I imagine biotics tend to run hot so she's usually just in boxers. Maybe a tank top if it's chilly.

50. What was the last thing (non-email) shepard read? Book, play, poem, essay etc

    She's usually jumping between a couple books at one time! Through ME1 she's working through a collection of poetry from multiple species, the Cthulu mythos, and some middle-grade Spectre adventure books Joker sent her as a congratulations present (she actually rather enjoys them). ME2 is a lot of news, Revelation & Ascenion, and she dives /deep/ into hanar and drell poetry for. Reasons. Lockdown sees her pick up a subscription to a sci-fi/fantasy anthology and a couple knitting how-tos; and ME3 time leaves... very little time for reading. Most of what she goes through is the same prayer book Thane has.

   (She also has a couple books on gardening and cooking. Just in case.)

(+1 would you bang your shepard? Lol jk we all know the answer to that. Share your favorite fact about them!)

     In the Good End AU, Adrian and Thane wind up settling on, of all places, Akuze. It's a pleasant climate for him, and despite the memories... Adrian does find it lovely. And more importantly... it's like Omega but. Less. No one wants to lay serious claim to it because, Death Worms, so it's become prime real estate for dangerous sorts who are extremely tired and want to be left the fuck alone to exist in relative peace, they're too damn old and creaky for power plays any more.

The existing community is headed by an ancient krogan whose clan used to revere and work with thresher maws, she took her granddaughter there to pass on the old ways, and she's the one who has ultimate approval over who's in and who can try setting up somewhere else. Roz is a grouchy old bitch who doesn't keep up with the news, and even if she did, one human-drell couple looks the same as another as far as she's concerned, so what's it matter that she's just helped one settle up nearby? Get the fuck outta her town and leave her people alone or she'll get the shotgun.

[at-verticallity]

tag someone you want to know better

tagged by @alwinfy

Favorite Color: i have a hard time choosing… i usually answer grey as the best general purpose answer, but i also like reserved warm greens, bright orange, and eyestrain blue.

Last Song: haven't listened to much lately, except for a few vocaloid songs here and there. i currently have 問題児P - 地球を削る巨大な歯車 (Giant Gears Grinding the Earth/“World Rock Drill”), Kikuo - As it is, as it is, without change, and r-906 - Panopticon 2021 stuck in my head.

Last Movie: i watched The Rodfellows Movie after it was brought up in the most recent Patricia Taxxon video and that definitely counts. aside from that, i had been watching a few old movies with my dad, and i think the most recent were The Treasure of the Sierra Madre and True Grit. and before that i think would just be Barbie and Oppenheimer back when people were watching those together.

Currently Watching: nothing right now, though recently i picked back through my ‘introductory anime’ list that i made to try to go through last winter. i'm very late to the party on all that, but even moreso now because i also sprinkled in a couple of shows from the current season at the time to try to be relevant. all of that to say i watched WataMote and Bocchi the Rock! a few weeks ago, which was a fun surprise in that there was more to contrast between the two than i was expecting. unlikely i'm going to watch anything else soon, but if i do the main three ones left are lain, bebop, and utena.

Currently Reading: i haven't been reading anything though i probably should… i still have a short list to get to but i'm not really in the mood right now. anyway i'm hijacking this section to be about games instead because i've been catching up on a lot of those after only trying one or two per year for the longest time. recently finished Braid, Outer Wilds, and Superliminal, and up next planning to try Rain World (top priority at a friend's behest), A Short Hike, IMMORTALITY, and SIGNALIS. i've also started a few more in-depth skill games and puzzle games, but because those are made to put more dedicated time in, they're pushed to the side for now.

Currently Working On: writing a small programming language with an effect system so that i can use it in other projects. in particular i wanted it for a Touhou fangame (or if i fail to finish that, at least a skeletal engine for one) to describe bullet patterns, but i think it could also be useful for some audio coding stuff i wanted to try. of course, this is PL brainrot because both of those are already solved problems, but it's fun to work on. i still feel like i'm a creative downturn, not for lack of ideas but because over the past half decade i've gotten a lot worse at seeing anything to completion, so i'm also continually trying to get used to doing more small creative stuff, but not much has come of that so far.

Current Obsession: really into Touhou right now. yeah.

Who I'm tossing the potato to: i don't know many people on tumblr, and many of the tumblr people i don't-know were already tagged… i guess @mickelbach and @tenqi if they'd like, since we've talked before at least. anyone else feel free as well of course.

[likesaly]

Nanase and Arumu for the headcanon ask?

Just woke up srry for late reply

Nanase

HC A - Nanase picked up alot of hobbies during the time he was a shut in so he knows how to sew, probably learned small stuff about cooking from Mikado etc.

HC B - (based on a mem) The line Nanase (2222) has w Misane is still intact so when Misane goes to her original timeline she can still communicate with him; Future! Nanase sometimes stops in to say hi, Toukai just doesn't question it and Nanashi (2222) just helps Misane cheat on tests because there is no logic explanation how the fuck are they gonna explain "oh dw I'm talking to my best friend who's in another timeline!" (The only two (both 2222 and future) who see through the bullshit is Aira (ripple proof memory due to Android) and Izuchi (reading the bitphone data) )

HC C - Nanase probably has some vague memories of the bad and normal ends due to deja vu and gets it when the timeline restarts. And considering he's able to remember the past into the future; The whole mikado identity crisis is another thing.

HC D - Toukai adopts Nanase; Nanase is Misane's older brother (accutallly fuck canon w their relationship) Nanase gets adopted in around the time he's 16 bc Nanase managed to get into college at a young age due to credits and such and that's how Toukai met him (Toukai goes to school again could study more for his job and to keep the family afloat) and they just happen to be close upon meeting, a little shaky at first but they got there. Minisane seemed to get attached to Nanase when Toukai invited Nanase over to babysit her for the first time.

Arumu

HC A - Arumu probably had a passion for writing as a kid: She probably was the one who made morning announcements during her school years, had a blog where she takes notes and does street interviews etc, was into photography at a young age which is why she has an old Polaroid as it's sentimental to her. Because of all this she decided to pursue her interest as a reporter.

HC B - Arumu probably took so many photos during 1beat I feel like she's probably gotten couple photos of the fatcats knocking people over, nomare starting shit w his crab, shinobu when he's not paying attention, mb Sataka and Namoto when drunk etc, girlie just has alot of photos of everyone being goofy as hell that's it; everyone else just tries not to piss her off bc they know she could get more dirt if she wanted even though she wouldn't. Misane recommends to probably not to say anything Abt getting photos like that while as Nanase encourages her to keep doing it: Arumu listens to Nanase. /lh

HC C - Arumu has probably been a witness to other crimes due to being involved in press and new developments get made, though 1beat was the one that sticks w her the most due to it turning into a national tragedy by File 03, she says she's okay but with the stuff that happened in File 03, yeah that's going leave some mental scarring considering it was a variety of death causes so some would've been worse than others.

HC D - Arumu eventually joins the force w the help of Misane and Nanase due how much of her being willing to help: she still keeps her job as a reporter but she uses it as more of a side and cover up for investigations by that point. Arumu also has turned into that one friend that's always over at Toukai's place so she's practically in the family but not officially, Toukai finds her antics tiring but accepts her anyways since Nanase and Misane are very fond of her, Toukai now has 3 homosexual detective kids!! (A lovely silly happy found family :33!!)

Here's a bonus as compensation for the late reply:

I don't know what the vision was but it works

[sillyrabbit81]

Hey there Bunny, how ya doin? Been a while since I stopped by to say Hi and check up on a fellow Aussie. Ive been lurking around but haven't seen you on my dash for a while. RUOK?? Always around to lend an ear, if you need one to hear. Big squishy hugs 💜💜💜

Hey!

Thank you for reaching out. Thats really kind of you.

I haven't been around as much lately. But I am doing okay. I have had a few people asking me similar things lately so, I might just let it all out here and tell people whats going on.

IRL things have been a lot for me lately and I just haven't had the time/headspace to be as active. Plus, if I have an hour or two to sit at my computer, I'm usually using that time to write (or stare at the doc and force out 50 words LOL).

The IRL stuff is mostly about my kids, but I also have had issues lately with my own mood regulation and other issues. Turns out I have Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which I tell people is basically like PMS but on Liver King levels of steroids. I think I've had symptoms of this for a couple of years, but its recently gotten much worse and I have seen an endocrinologist recently and started a treatment plan that will hopefully help, but it will take a couple of months before I will see any results.

I don't generally talk publicly about my family. Mainly because I feel like my blog and writing is my safe haven, a place for just me. But there has been a lot going on lately so maybe it will make me feel better to talk about it real quick. A lot of people who I talk to in chat/DMs already know most of this anyway.

Both my kids and my husband are on the Autism Spectrum.

My son is 13 and just started high school, so that has been a tough transition for him. He has been involved in a couple of incidents that has resulted in his suspension. Supporting him through that has been tricky and dealing with the school and trying to get the right supports in place for him has also been a slog.

My daughter is 8 and she requires a lot of support at school. She really struggles at school and so there is a lot of time spent ensuring she gets the supports she needs. On top of that, about 6 months ago she had a tonic-clonic seizure that was quite serious and lasted for over 10 minutes. After some testing was then diagnosed with epilepsy, probably as a result from a brain injury she suffered during her birth (she had a lack of blood flow and needed an emergency c-section). So its been trial and error with meds, (she also has absent seizures which we noticed a few times) but after a while we thought things were okay. A couple of weeks ago, she had another serious seizure and we were back in hospital.

So yeah, while I'm okay and my family are mostly okay, there has been a lot going on for me IRL over the past few months that has obviously taken precedence. But, I'm still around when I can be. I still want to be around and still love to write and make gifs and stuff, but its just been a matter of priorities and a significantly limited free time compared to what I previously had.

I hope you are doing well! I hope you're going to have a nice summer break (if we actually get a summer... I know in Sydney its bloody cold so far!) And thanks again for reaching out. That was really sweet of you.

❤️ Rabbit

[veebs-hates-video-games]

Ok well. I finally went back to FF13-2 after not touching it for a couple years, and I regret it. I was about halfway through when I took a break to do something else for some reason, and after finishing (most of) the rest this past week I can say it was a terrible use of my time.

It's a shame because for the first half I kept saying it was better in most ways than the original FF13, which I overall liked more than I disliked but had some major issues with the pacing of in particular. By the end though I was getting really tired of it and didn't care enough about what was going on.

I might have less negative feelings if the final area of it weren't by far the worst and least fun part of the game and if the final boss didn't have like 17 phases. I am so tired of the combat system after like 65 hours of it in the original game and another 30+ in this one, and I think they somehow made it less fun in this one despite not changing much. If I'm going to spend most of my time sitting there let the game win fights on its own at least give me more control over the setup of it like 12 did. Everything feels like it takes forever and is way too slow when it's something I can win without much input on my end (99% of fights, like most non-boss trash), but then when it actually does require me to do stuff and it's a close fight (half of boss fights, maybe less) it feels like it goes too fast to react to some things consistently with how fiddly menuing is.

In the original the main interesting decision making was in how you set your party up, and then the fights kind of took care of themselves. In this the interesting parts of the decision making are kind of lacking because the crystarium is just straight up worse, and the way stat gains are explained is...well, they aren't, so I hope you looked it up online before making some bad choices. And then your pokemon are just straight up worse than having a third proper party member, which is unfortunate.

I was enjoying the story progression and structure of the narrative for a while. Not the best thing ever (I have Issues with FF writing and always have), but it was interesting enough to keep me going for a while. The closer I got to the end the less it was doing it for me though. Like the way the time travel is set up and the story is pieced together through that is basically what if Radiant Historia but worse, and some of the character motivations are like what if Xenoblade but worse, and then on top of that it has all the baggage of being a sequel to FF13, which was also kind of a mess itself. As usual for FF games it had a ton of interesting ideas and potential for things they could've done with them, which they then proceeded to squander 60% of like FF always seems to.

I wish I cared enough about the characters to have more to say about them, but I don't really. They're fine, I guess? Weird to have Hope playing such a big role when he was probably the party member I was least interested in in the first game, and I don't love what they did with Snow. It's kind of funny in a sad way that all of the party members of the first game show up or get mentioned somewhat regularly, except Sazh, who mostly just gets the occasional "oh right and Sazh was there too" (with a handful of minor exceptions). That fits perfectly with how the first game mistreated him too though. The big confrontation between him and Vanille is still one of my favorite character moments in a FF game, but from then on he was mostly neglected or used for comic relief, which is a shame.

Also at this point I could be happy never seeing another moogle or hearing one say kupo ever again. I was never nearly as into them as some people, and by now they've just gotten annoying to me. Squenix, you can do better cute mascot characters. Rabites are great, so why do you keep subjecting me to this instead?

Anyway, one of these days I'll learn my lesson and just not force myself to play Final Fantasy games anymore, because I feel like every time I play another one I like the entire series even less, even the ones I mostly liked. FF7R will probably be the decider for me when it goes on sale cheap enough and I finally get around to it. If it's not one of the best games I've ever played I need to set a "no Final Fantasy" policy going forward because they just aren't sparking joy. Things I do for fun shouldn't be making me this grumpy.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I got so tired of the final boss fight that I gave up and uninstalled it halfway through the final phase. My party setup was able to keep it in an infinite stalemate but probably couldn't actually win without a few tweaks, and I had zero interest in redoing any of that fight at all by then when it had already dragged on for so long. And I don't even care about the story enough anymore to watch the final cutscenes online or anything.

[dorothyoz39]

Fanfic Tag Game

I wasn't tagged by anyone but I saw this game and I loved it. So I'll be the one tagging others... And just to encourage people, I'll start answering myself...

1. How many fics do you have on AO3? 41

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 513,790

3. What fandoms do you write for? Stargate, The Musketeers, Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries, mostly. I've writen for other fandoms in the past and sometimes I write short stuff from other fandoms but I've yet to go over the folder where I put that to organize it and post it.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

The Kirk Myth (SGA): John Sheppard/Cam Mitchell

Friends and Lovers (SGA): John Sheppard/Cam Mitchell

Booth's new life (Bones)

Vacations in paradise (SGA): John Sheppard/Cam Mitchell

Genetics (SG1): Sam Carter/Jack O'Neill

5. Do you respond to comments? Yes, always (at least I think I always do. If I don't answer, I've probably missed the comment or thought that I've answered but not). I love interacting with the readers.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? No, sorry, I don't end the fics with angst. The ending can be sad but I always leave room for hope of things getting better.

Enough sad stuff around. My "fun writing" is served with happy ending or hopeful ending.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? IDK, many of them. Any of my John Sheppard/Cam Mitchel fics.

8. Do you get hate on fics? I've never gotten hate in my fics. I remember getting a few comments complaining about "adult" stuff in fanfiction.net but since I moved to AO3 I've gotten none (and I've been there since... IDK... 2012

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes, I do.

Not sure how to answer the "what kind" question. I tend to queerficate my characters so even when the couple is m/f, I often make one of them bi, so my smut is always queer. I sometimes do kink but not too heavy... My smut often includes oral sex and explicit consent is super important to me.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Once. I did that once. It was a Bones/SG1 crossover in which I made Pelant a goa'uld... I just hated that Bones storyline soooo much because it made noooo sense from the beginning and it just got worse and worse and worse... and it lasted so long. So I just wanted to make fun of it.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No, fortunately that has never happened.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? No. Though, I write in english even though is not my native language.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic? No, but I once took inspiration from one and wrote a "sequel" of shorts (with the author's permision, of course and using the "inspided by" feature).

14. What’s your all time favourite ship? Sam/Jack (SG1) and Sheppard/Mitchel (SGA and SG1). Though, not the only ones.

15. What’s a fic you’d like to finish but don’t think you ever will? Never say never! I'd really like to finish "The Kirk Myth" but it's second in the list. By that I mean that I organized by WIPs in line and started to work on finishing them as I write the new stories. Focusing on one old WIP at a time (and 1 new story) is actually helping me to get real progess in finishing them. So, even though, I get the urge to write some other WIPs, I'm not.

16. What are your writing strengths? I think worldbuilding. I love thinking about how stuff works and I love filling the gaps the show leave about that.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I think loosing focus and writing 3 million things at a time resulting in never finishing them.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic? I think is cool, if the character speaks that language it sometimes feels more natural to see it writen in it. Even when I don't understand it. Most authors write a translation in the notes or somewhere.

19. First fandom you wrote for? SG1 but I started posting for Bones. Remember what I said about 3 million proyects at a time... that's the reason

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? IDK, I don't think I have a favorite fic of my own fics.

Tagging @1989nihil @rachaeljurassic @arrowsbane @sarcasticsciencefictionwriter @wingsofhcpe @animanightmate @whopooh & anyone else who wants to do this, assume I tagged you <3

[mamaruby]

Diagnosed

I've been wanting to write about this one for over a month, now, but I've had this writer's block on on the urge. It's been awful. So today I finally just sat down and started writing. If this post is rambly, sorry.

I've been suffering from chronic pain and fatigue for over 10 years, and I have various medical issues that cause those problems. But those problems got drastically worse after I had Covid in Thanksgiving of 2022. I was fully vaccinated, but I am immunocompromised, so I wasn't surprised when I caught it from my son anyway.

I spent the past year going from specialist to specialist (and changing a couple of primary care doctors I wasn't happy with, anyway), trying to get them to understand this was a case of Long Covid. However, I ended up being misdiagnosed or finding doctors that didn't even think Long Covid was a thing. Some thought Houston didn't have a Long Covid clinic (or didn't want to refer outside of their hospital system). But in general, they shuffled me through and I felt like I wasn't taken seriously with these doctors. Eventually, I gave up.

Just about 3 months ago I had an appointment with a new pulmonary specialist at UT Med Center. After the first 5 minutes with me, before ordering any tests, he said, "You have Long Covid. I'm going to refer you to our Long Covid Clinic here at UT."

After one visit with the Long Covid doctor (this guy spent an entire HOUR with me in the appointment), he told me I have ME/CFS and POTS, both of which came from having Covid the prior year. ME/CFS is a form of Chronic Fatigue and more can be found out about it here:

I could have been treated there at least 6 months ago. Possibly 9 months ago, if any of my other doctors had taken me seriously, goddamnit! But now, for the past year, my health has gradually gotten worse because I haven't been able to do a goddamn thing. When you aren't able to do, you lose your strength. You lose your stamina. You lose a lot of things. By now, I'm pretty much housebound. It seems I only get out when I have a doctor's appointment. I see more doctors than people I know and that can be depressing.

But I finally got a diagnosis, and the feeling of relief was amazing. I literally cried, right there, when I heard the news. Not because this has no cure, but because a doctor finally took me seriously. I felt like my fight was over and I could finally get help.

And that's exactly what I'm getting. All my specialists are at UT, now, and they know about the Long Covid clinic. They're right there at the same location. I'm already getting some PT at home, for as long as insurance pays for it anyway. Insurance is paying for spinal injection procedures for chronic pain now, where they were denying them, previously. I have a couple of other new specialists that handle other areas of ME/CFS that I'm supposed to see after the holidays. Things are finally moving.

I have hope.