#i feel like my memory's getting worse. which is. bad. bc it was awful in the first place

[tenderthreats]

my memory's so dogshit that i'm holding these different fandoms i write and doing my best to remember everything about each of them but i can tell about many different things that i'm just... blanking and it's both panicking and annoying rughietj

[be-good-to-bugs]

when i feel very lonely i get fizzled out of doing anything after less than an hour

[slimeclimbtime]

mortal kombat x fe3h?

these are definitely some questionable placements, but this is what role i feel like these characters would suit if they were in fe3h! i also did my best to try and balance them out a bit in terms of numbers

black eagles are ambitious and have strong moral compasses, with ashrah, mileena, rain, and bi-han all being characters with goals and strong convictions. as to who would be the edelgard of these four, i have no idea, but the closest i could say would be bi-han (which would be ironic, considering the association BE has with fire)

blue lions are more noble and righteous, with a hefty dose of trauma somewhere in there. everyone in this list is on the more collected and calm side, but can show terrifying vengeance and anger if driven to it, especially raiden and kitana. geras would be a bit more of a mercedes, while scorpion could perfectly suit the dimitri role (and thus, make the bi-han kuai liang rivalry even worse, which is perfect!)

golden deer are full of lighter-hearted characters, but everyone knows when to get serious, especially tanya who's the clear outlier of these four. everyone here is clever in some way or form, especially johnny. i would say the claude of this group would be either smoke or kung lao, as both can make jokes but also think up of plans on the down low. also being the neutral party between the brothers would extra suck

ashen wolves are outcasts and those that have been driven to the shadows for numerous reasons. everyone here is either radicalized such as havik and nitara or shunned by an outside group like baraka and reptile, making them the perfect group of wolves. would definitely say reptile is probably the (unlikely) leader of this group, as he shares a lot of similarities with yuri and is a kind soul at heart

church of seiros is essentially just the outworld entourage. as the church of seiros in fe3h is full of a wide variety of characters, there's a pretty colorful cast here as well. li mei would make a great seteth to sindel's rhea role as the archbishop, and shang tsung would be a formidable tomas or jeritza, as part of well, the real enemy along with shao and reiko

kenshi being byleth is definitely the weirdest pick here but hear me out. dude with a magic sword who gets blessings from spirits? along with a darker backstory of working for a neutral/bad party? that sounds an awful lot like a byleth to me. kenshi losing his sight could be part of the story and him getting it back with sento with the help of liu kang could be his awakening

liu kang being sothis is pretty self-explanatory i feel. i almost made geras sothis bc time associations, but liu kang doesn't really fit anywhere else, and he WAS a keeper of time, so i mean... either way, him being close with kenshi would be pretty canon too

some extra notes (with fe3h spoilers; exercise caution):

- ashrah is more of a representative of petra, being an outsider compared to the other three characters, and as someone whose ambition is more self-centered - while bi-han wouldn't be noob saibot, he would probably have some of his traits as part of his trauma on being experimented on by shang tsung. this would estrang him from kuai liang entirely and wipe his memory of being his brother - speaking of brotherhood, the dagger that's so important to the dimi-edel storyline would definitely be the ice dagger that bi-han attacks kuai liang with in mk1. i would say it stays frozen forever and is held by magic in order to not to be noticeable as ice and give away the whole story - raiden was definitely not put into blue lions because of his thunder magic i swear he wasn't nope ahahhaahaha just a funny coincidence - kung lao and lorenz are awfully similar in demeanor which is rather hilarious. tanya would also make a great lysithea, being the serious one that isn't taken very seriously - while reptile would be a great yuri, baraka and havik are both more akin to balthus in form while nitara is closer to hapi. also would love the idea of reptile triple-crossing his three house members in cindered shadows - reiko would 100% be aelfric, being the simp he is for shao. alternatively, he'd also be cyril in that sense, even tho sindel is rhea - fuck gender-locked classes, li mei would 100% be a wyvern lord - scanning amiibo and seeing the double byleths could actually just show two liu kangs, one from when hes not keeper of time and one from when he is canon classes? (assuming no gender locked bc fuck gender locked classes IM STILL MAD ABOUT THIS. that and ignoring final classes for the house leaders + byleth):

ashrah - swordmaster

mileena - assassin

rain - dark flier

bi-han - war monk

kitana - falcon knight

raiden - mortal savant

kuai liang - assassin

geras - gremory

johnny cage - grappler

kung lao - sniper

smoke - bow knight

tanya - holy knight

baraka - grappler

reptile - hero

havik - wyvern lord

nitara - valkyrie

li mei - wyvern lord

sindel - well technically she only has her personal class so uhhhh

shang tsung - also has his own personal class

shao - dark knight

reiko - grappler

kenshi - has his own personal class, but otherwise would be a swordmaster

liu kang - non-playable (we were ROBBED)

okay imma stop yabbering bc im gonna just keep on going for too long

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

Hey! I'm sooooo happy to finally find another person that ships Scarecrow and Batman! This is ship is so underrated and it deserves MUCH more recognition 👏☺️ Also, I love your art and analysis of these characters!

I don't know if you've answered this before, but what do you think about the Arkhamverse version of them? I would prefer Arkham Knight, but if you feel uncomfortable with it, Arkham Asylum is fine (I love both). I don't know what to think of it at the moment and I'm trying to form an opinion!

I hope you have an amazing day!! ❤️❤️

Can I be 🐓 anon if you allow anons?

hello there!! i’m also happy to meet another fellow-minded scarebat believer out there! scarebat is just such a fascinating ship. i’m honestly go uwu when i see other people enjoying it too! this pair indeed deserve more recognition an’ love! an’ aw, heck, thank you! it makes me blush knowing that someone can have fun with those lil, whimsical things i do! 

an’ oh, nope. i didn’t answer this one! arkhamverse’s content is smth that i see circulating around a lot, but i didn’t see much content for that version of scarebat. i guess, the constant choking, an’ ‘get on your knees now, crane’ wasn’t enough to awaken smth in anyone *besides me an’ 2-3 other fine wine enjoyers*. which is once again too bad, bc even design wise, they’re kinda a banger in their own right. whichever version we take, it’s just a good contrast between batman’s heavy armour an’ jon’s typical rags *with some cyber-punk touch later on*. like, while i’m a simple gal who tends to simp for ‘classic’ outlooks, i do appreciate what the game did. gotta love crane’s freddy krueger syringe glove, an’ how he got it embedded into bruce’s neck an’ chest, an’ then got stabbed with it himself lol. there is a lot of homoerotic stuff, which can be done with it! esp bc it’s such a close range weapon, an’ each version of akrham’s crane used it differently. in arkham asylum, he injected the poison into bruce’s arm. the desperate, angry action kinda reminded me of a pissy, bristling animal, that would bite your hand, when if you try to grab it. in the next game, jon was way more vicious, less of a thrashing opossum that you find in your garage an’ more of a snake, that you accidentally step on, while you climbing down your porch. the vast difference between his mental states then an’ later on is an interesting theme for speculations. esp bc bruce is also worse to wear in the next game. in fact, i’d say that arkham knight sorta depicts them at their subjective ‘worst’ almost. an’ it says smth, bc i don’t think that either of them are ever in good mental place. 

i kinda find it interesting how some people would assume, that if person acts cold an’ detached, it means that they’re ‘in control’, when sometimes, it’s the opposite. in bruce’s case for sure. but i’d like this for some versions of crane as well, bc it suits his psychotype as well. not to mention, that jon’s hygiene in arkham knight is at its lowest too, which says a few things about his mental state right off the bat. or how he didn’t seem to properly treat his own wounds, just instantly throwing himself into his biggest scheme. a man truly possessed by revenge. 

but welp, if we go into specifics of each separate version of arkhamverse, i guess, i will start with arkham asylum! my memories about those games are a bit rusty, but i’ll go with what i remember. providing more emphasis on arkham knight, since they do have more going on an’ you seem more interested in that specific version too! 

still, first things first, i love how jonathan was half-naked during the first game lol. it’s just so funny to me, bc he is usually covered from head to toe, but in there, he was shirtless, wearing pants that held for dear life on those skinny hips an’ i’ll bet dude had nothing underneath them either. he’s never was the most proper person, admittingly, but idk, running around the dirty asylum an’ hunting your enemy while showing off your nips an’ stomach is…smth else. esp for a prude like crane. but i guess, at that point of time, he seemed to be so deranged, that his usual body issues no longer worried him. besides, poison ivy walked around in her underwear an’ blouse that was held together by one durable button, why can’t he do the same? it’s not like batman would comment on it, even if he wanted to. but like, honestly, all the hints of possible spooky + sexy times were there, so it’s a shocker, that no one has done anything about it yet. i mean, you literally have jonathan, who was flashing the bat for 20 minutes straight, an’ it’s not smth that the majority of cranes would ever have the guts to do in any other set-up. btas an’ comicverse ones would downright combust, before they’d be walking around batman shirtless. but not that gremlin. he was all about it. even if i do think, that he wasn't fully aware about what it means, an’ that it’s kinda embarrassing to do smth like that, while you are trying to be intimidating. he’s not bane. it’s not like he has some crazy muscular mass to show off. but it is very stimulating to think about the ways it all can be used in. the cold bat’s armour to exposed skin of a spooky toothpick. batman grips scarecrow’s clothes, when they fight. in there, it’ll be almost all naked skin. that’s a sexy imagery to have! 

as for the substance of the arkham asylum on itself, i don’t think that scarecrow was in there a lot. but then again, maybe i just remember it this way. it is however curious how fast crane goes from campy looney to more serious, jarred person, we see in the next game. an’ his whole motivation shifts from ‘you’re just like us and have fears’ to ‘there is no saviour. no hope’. almost like he was very, very let down, when batman failed to save him that one time lol. but considering that arkhamverse kept jonathan’s comic origin, it’s safe to assume that yeah, he took that very-very personally. he isn’t the joker, who kinda never brings up how many times, batman casually let him ‘die’. the btas alone has like 3 occasions like that lmao. meanwhile, jon went into a scornful cold rage, after just one epic fail, which, at the end of the day, is very him lol. the drugged up bat didn’t save him, that’s it. no one’s supremacy, fuck gotham. an’ i’m only partly jeering here. 

which leads us straight to to arkham knight version, an’ to bruce instantly going up there an’ choking the living hell out of jon, the second he sees him. what a reunion! esp with that whole head hitting an’ throwing crane onto floor, like a ragdoll. batman just had to assert his dominance, even when jonathan barely opened his mouth. *bc yeah, you stay down, bottom*. i like how crane tried his hardest to be serious an’ imposing during that whole deal, but the bat just wasn't super amused. yet, like usual, he did give the scarecrow room to speak later on. allowing him to walk around him. an’ boy, gotta appreciate that ‘bad guy's sly hips play’ as scarecrow circled the bat. it was quite a vision. even with fucked up leg, he managed to pull that off. i wish there were more moments like this. they had a lot of potential for more brutal scarebat interactions, than some other versions of them. all the cues for it were there. batman was hallucinating a ghost of a dead clown, who wouldn’t shut up about whatever, an’ jonathan was all about his ‘end goal’, not caring what he had to do to get to it. what an explosive combo. i was low-key surprised, that bruce didn’t wipe the floor with crane just out of pure frustration, an’ then some. an’ considering how fucked up they both are in that version, it wouldn’t put it past the ghost!joker to suggest they’d do smth else with crane, if batman is unwilling to kill him. there is actually a lot of leeway, with bruce blaming some stuff on his personal brain damage, while joker just keeps on pouring gasoline into the fire. i even had this one idea about the joker playing a horrible matchmaker just to make everyone even more miserable, but mostly just bruce. all while not expecting crane to be able to return the sentiment in his own messed up manner. 

an’ speaking of sentiment, i do think that it can be here as well. it’ll be buried under layers an’ layers of pseudo-resentment, but that’s like typical scarebat. no one ever talk about their real emotions in that ship lol. well, not in a normal way. in arkham knight, i suppose the joker can be a narrator of bruce an’ crane’s relationships. not missing a beat to tell them *well, bruce* how much they suck. an’ he won’t even be wrong, batman abandoning some of his duties, bc well, this. an’ crane as per usual getting confused by feelings, that isn’t hatred or fear. they can enter those intense relationships with the worst kind of miscommunication. bc they awful at it, when they’re not super unstable *or at least one of them isn’t*, an’ now they can be godawful at it, bc batman is close to breaking point, an’ jonathan is at his bitterests an’ pettiest. crane also can assume, that he can ‘unmade’ the bat this way, all while messing up his own scheme in the process. with god’s help, they might even survive this. idk about gotham tho lol. the joker being a third wheel an’ technically a cuck in that situation just adds how messed up it all is. but maybe with jon’s ‘help’, they can deal with that problem too. i don’t think, crane would like to share in any way. i mean, he would have been pissed off, if he learned that batman had a mini-devil on his shoulder the whole time. in a way, it kinda defeats the purpose of it all. it would almost like taking all the credit from him, an’ he won’t stand for it. crane combating bruce’s personal ghosts for his own selfish, possessive needs is smth, i would have liked to see for them. jonathan accidently being a good psychiatrist to bruce is my peak scarebat dark comedy. similar to how in ‘kings of fear’, it was basically ‘i can fix him, but bitch, you’re worse’ kind of deal too. in return, bruce can try an’ help crane actually put some proper garnet for his leg on, an’ look a bit less like a sickly *even if scary-spooky-cool* animal. they can find some middle ground, even if for questionable reasons, or they can have that slow-burn from enemies to lovers thing too. heck, i mean, it’s a wonder how come that scarecrow didn’t kidnap bruce first to try an’ break him a tad more, before making gotham see ‘that they had no hope’ an’ all that. 

on less game plot related notes, i do like to play around with what can be done about jon’s state in arkham knight. like his face being all messed up, half of his body moving way more stiffly, there are a lot of things that can be done with it. an’ the parallel of batman being crippled on the inside an’ crane being pretty much this an’ then also damaged outside of it….mmm, that’s just good. also we all know that nolanverse crane moaned ‘batman’ like a whore while his hair were pulled, but what about arkham knight’s scarecrow lil gay gasps an’ whimpers, when bruce held him by the throat an’ injected him with his own toxin? if gordon an’ jason weren’t there, i wonder what might have happened lol. love scarecrow’s scared expressions in that game btw, somehow they still manage to make him look cute. 

an’ now for a bit of nitpicky bit. when i look back at arkham knight, like some other folks, i do wish there was less…joker in it. he did add some fun elements there or here, but he should have been a background segment tbh. i really wanted to see more of mindbending stuff similar to level in arkham asylum. batman ‘given into’ hallucination joker’s cheers to kill crane, even if it was all a mindfuck bit was tasteless for me. if they wanna make bruce kinda walk that route, i’d rather see him doing it by his own misgivings an’ rage. tho, i do give credit where it’s duo, crane saying ‘you’ve changed’ an’ not sounding esp thrilled about it was curious smth. 

but omg, that’s got long, haha. hope, it’s not too troublesome. i’m kinda chatty an’ rambly kind of person, esp when i talk about things i love. can’t talk short in most cases. 

thank you for the ask btw! i do enjoy talking about scarebat a lot, no matter what version. an’ i hope, that your day is going great as well! i do apologise for how late some of my responses are coming through. i tend to pick at questions for a couple of days or so, just to make sure that i kinda give it my utmost thoughts, haha. hopefully, my answer helped you to form your own vision on the matter better or gave you an idea how different / similar you see smth, when it comes to those two. 

an’ sure thing! that’s a cute symbole btw!

[the-ghost-bracket]

Ghostbur propaganda:

"My man was literally haunting not just the characters, but the narrative itself"

"Dude he is so sad all the time, nobody takes him seriously because he’s so kind and upbeat but he really and truly is so sad, he’s got awful memory problems, all he wants is people to be happy like he couldn’t have been, but they don’t even stop his pet sheep from dying because “it’ll just come back” bc it’s a ghost too and then he has a whole thing about how that doesn’t mean they don’t feel pain too and just he’s very very sad and is perpetually stuck in a train station all alone forever"

"This ghost, this poor little ghost was done SO dirty oh my god. Okay for context in case you don’t know about anything from that hellhole minecraft server, in that universe you get 3 lives, and once you die you get sent to limbo and a ghost takes your place in the overworld. Most people get ghosts but some don’t. But! You can get revived! Which means you get to go back to the overworld but you ghost takes your place in limbo. One more thing I should mention before I get to Ghostbur is everyone’s limbo looks different, because it’s literally their personal hell. I’m sure you see where this is going. :) SO! Ghostbur. Wilbur, the person he’s a ghost of was not a great person before he died. But Ghostbur is nothing but kind, if not a little naïve to everyone and everything. This all leads up Ghostbur getting murdered trying to help his little brother figure, and Wilbur being revived. This means Ghostbur gets trapped alone in limbo. Ghostbur’s story could have left off there but NOOOOOO his creator decided to make it worse. Water burns Ghostbur, so crying is painful. He has memory problems and with nothing to write on he only has the haziest memories of his family left. He’s stuck in limbo for decades before something happens. Meanwhile back in the overworld Wilbur’s been having a pissing contest with his ex and realizes “Huh, a lot of people liked this Ghostbur guy and I know where he ended up. Maybe I should do something nice for him.” And sends Ghostbur’s beloved pet sheep, Friend to hell to be with Ghostbur. The last we ever see of Ghostbur is he, for once in a very long time crying tears of joy as he is reunited with his Friend."

"DSMP gets a bad rep for the guy it’s named for (who I do not support in ANY way whatsoever), but it was made up of 30+ creators, many of which put so very much passion and love into the project. Wilbur Soot was one of them, and Ghostbur was his character after he died.

Ghostbur was sweet, goofy, and terribly tragic. He would go around offering blue dye to his friends, saying “have some blue”, saying it would soak up their sadness. He only remembers happy things from when he was alive. He had a sheep named Friend. He was as lovable as his memory was painful, and an overall very good ghost"

"when he got revived it was to help in a plan to beat up his chosen brother's abuser by breaking INTO jail and having his bro follow him invisible. he's the best musician on the server according to his dad :D. he has a blue sheep named friend on a leash who has infinite cannon lives. he has memory issues and can't remember bad feelings after they happen so people often infantilize him which sucks because he's actually very competent and just wants to help his friends and have a good time. he got sent to limbo sadly and has likely been there for a couple thousand years now. which is incredibly sad. the guy who plays him wrote sad hurt no comfort drabbles about it on reddit."

"just a really sweet guy, currently chilling in the afterlife with his sheep friend while the revived version of himself is working in a gas station in utah"

[risette-blast]

PERSONA 2 INNOCENT SIN SPOILERS AHEAD! DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE REMOTELY INTERESTED IN PLAYING THE GAME AND HAVEN'T BEEN SPOILED ON IT!!

(oh there are also traitor spoilers for P5 in here, but I feel like anyone who has played P2 has also played P5 already lol)

so last night, I finished P2IS. the ending still hurts by the way lol. but i've had a bit of time since then to think about the game in retrospect. so i wrote up a thought dump with sort of my "initial" thoughts on the game on twitter. afterwards, i decided to repost it here but with more detail since i'm not constrained with a character limit the same way I am with twitter (it's still gonna be in bullet points bc I don't really want to structure this like an essay haha)

this game's ending really was brutal. this is the main thing I've commented on ever since finishing the game, but it truly is awful. Maya is stabbed and killed, Lisa can't even heal her with Dia no matter how much she tries. the Earth is destroyed by suddenly stopping its rotation, causing the resultant inertia to instantly kill everything. in the end, it just turns out to be a rigged game between Philemon and Nyarlathotep (god that name is hard to spell lol). and then the entire cast is forced to go back in time and forget their memories with each other and everything to prevent the world from ending again. it's truly a cruel fate for them, I really did want them to have a happy ending so it just really hurts. 😭

a lot of this game's moments hit hard due to how good the OST is. this has honestly gone up to being one of my favorite Persona OSTs, and given how strong its competition has been, that's a noteworthy feat.

the gameplay was ass lol. I can't pretend it was good, it's worse than P1 in some areas which is wild (still liked IS more overall though, 1 has some very questionable mechanics)

now apparently this is specific to the PSP version, but man the menus were so slow. thankfully I was playing on an emulator so I even had this option but I genuinely just sped up the game somewhat frequently just to get through the menus more quickly

it was also probably the easiest Persona game I've ever played. P5R is genuinely harder. i'm not even kidding. I've gone on and on about how easy P5R is (on twitter), but P2IS makes P5R look challenging in comparison.

the characters were great. i didn't think I'd care about them as much as I did. they all had wonderful bonds with each other. personally I felt like yukino was the "weak" link, and like she doesn't have the bonds the other do so it only makes sense. and even then? she has some great moments and is genuinely well written too. I had played P1 before this but yukino wasn't in my party so she essentially disappeared; it's nice to actually get to know her.

that said, I don't rly like how P1 and P2 both kinda hide extra character details behind very optional dialogue that's easy to miss. it's not nearly as bad in IS though bc they get more characterization in the main story, so a lot of the characters in IS resonated with me more on a first playthrough than 1's characters did.

I've heard some people say P2's shadow encounters are better than P4's. I'm not sure I agree with that at least just from IS, but I thought they were pretty competent. I did like that they built up to the shadow encounters throughout the game, it's an interesting approach.

...personally I still like the P4 shadow encounters more overall. I just also really like the way the IS shadow encounters were handled too especially in the context of the story.

the dialogue about personas and masks was really cool. I wish the new Persona games did acknowledge that everyone has multiple masks they put on. the only characters from P3-P5 who really explore this imo (as far as I can remember) are Rise and Akechi, and even then, it's not nearly as substantial as 1/2. Rise's arc is more about her accepting that she can have multiple selves that are all her, and with Akechi, while he has two different masks that represent both the facade he presents to society vs his true nature, it's just a case of facade vs true nature, whereas IS acknowledges that everyone has multiple masks they present to society that form a full self.

I personally wasn't too invested in the romance options, and the game clearly didn't consider them super important either seeing as they barely affect the story or interactions, but I really did like that Jun was presented as a genuine, serious option. also it's not like P3-5 where it's kinda subjective, I feel like Jun just fits the best especially in retrospect.

I now truly understand why newsona's mechanics (calendar, s.links, etc) wouldn't work at all. there's no room in the story for that.

I didn't think the pacing was the best tbh. it feels like not a lot happens at first, then they throw a ton of story at you halfway through the game, then a lot more near the end. it could've been distributed a little better. I hear EP is better with this though.

I do have a few issues with the way the plot was presented. tbh it was just a little absurd lol, and also revealing that the whole story was Philemon vs Nyarlathotep (again, tough name to spell lol) at the very end was kinda mid. maybe I'll like it more with the context of EP. but what really made the story for me was ultimately the characters and their development, not so much the actual events in the plot itself, if that makes sense.

I love the ending theme, kimi no tonari. when you realize that the sumaru city (and a lot of songs in the game) share the same general leitmotif it just makes you sad to hear them in retrospect 😔

[spider-xan]

Okay, I was finally able to find a PDF of the Hobgoblin arc in the original USM comics and read it this morning after putting it off for years; for context, I followed USM as it was coming out during the 2000s and stopped when Gwen was killed off during the Carnage arc, only sporadically checking things years after print, so technically I had last seen the USM version of Harry at the end of the Ultimate Six storyline way back during its original run, and all I knew is that Harry died eventually, though I misremembered when exactly.

Anyway, I wasn't going to liveblog my read through, though I did wish I had jotted down thoughts as I was going along bc I have a lot of general and specific thoughts that I can't remember off the top of my head, and maybe I will go back later to jog my memory, but here are my main thoughts on the storyline:

It's just okay? It wasn't bad, but I wouldn't say it's good either - the most accurate description I can think of is that it felt more like set up for the next Goblin arc than a complete story in and of itself bc most of it is just Harry running around for exposition until he becomes the Hobgoblin unintentionally right at the end and it's over in one issue.

I think I would have enjoyed the story a lot more if I had read it as a teenager bc as an adult, I just really didn't care about all the high school dating drama, and the love triangle but not really between Peter, Harry, and MJ is a major part of the character drama, and I just don't find it compelling now, even if it makes sense for characters who are supposed to be fifteen.

USM had this weird thing where each arc was heavily decompressed, but the overall pacing both in terms of in universe events and the plotting of arcs was highly compressed in that ten years of real time publishing takes places within a year of the in universe timeline, so major events happen at a breakneck pace within months of Peter becoming Spider-Man - and Harry as a character definitely suffers from this bc this version of him feels very underdeveloped; from what I remember about the issues that one before this arc, he disappears for very long stretches of time where he reappears for a few issues before disappearing again, and he doesn't really get much depth as a character or in terms of his relationships, especially with Peter, like, tbh I still feel like I don't know anything about this Harry and had a time really buying them as close childhood friends forever in this universe, so the intended emotional moments didn't hit as hard for me as they were supposed to, and Harry's general absence is definitely why so much of the arc was just exposition for setting up the next Goblin arc.

I generally like Bagley's art, but I do think he has a problem with consistency when it comes to faces (and same face, especially for women) and his faces sometimes look weirdly rubbery and like people are melting, though in fairness, I remember USM being on a fast schedule, so it's not really his fault - anyway, with Harry, his design is inconsistent in a jarring way bc in some panels, he does look like a teenager, but in other panels, he looks like a grown man in his twenties or even thirties, which makes the intended hard hitting moments of him just being a child kind of awkward.

There is a certain scene that is just awful in terms of the copaganda (taps the sign that says that Spider-Man is not ACAB) that reads even worse today, and it's weird bc you could do a reading of the scene as being about police corruption, but it's framed as a positive bonding moment between two cops (Spider-Man not beating the Spider-Cop allegations) - though I suddenly remembered that I think Jean DeWolffe in this universe turns out to be a corrupt cop (shaking my head to show I think all cops are corrupt) instead of the Good Cop TM she is in the 616 comics, so maybe this scene was supposed to be read as shady and not like girlboss cop thing.

[stellacadente]

so like having memory issues sucks sooo bad

i lost 2 umbrellas in like. 2 or 3 weeks maybe a month (you guessed it i can't really remember. passage of time is so hard) bc it rains, i use this neat little umbrella.... put it down at the bus stop just for a second so i can get something from my backpack and completely forget i ever had it and hop on the bus without my neat little umbrella! fuck! my mum bought me this one (i didn't lose the previous one tbf.. it broke)! so then a couple of weeks later, still without an umbrella bc yeah, i keep forgetting to buy a new one, i have to be out all day, and it's raining hard and will all day, so my mum offers to give me her umbrella. she doesn't really need to walk or anything today anyway. i'll give it back later. yeah right. except i enter the place where i have to take my driving license quiz, i put down my umbrella, right there at the entrance, and when i walk out later it's not raining and i have completely forgotten i ever had an umbrella with me. my mum's umbrella. which i leave there. bye bye to another umbrella. i tell my mum a few hours after i realize... i was scared she'd get mad. she gets mad. how can you forget this stuff all the time. just think about these things a little more. just pay more attention. ah. right. as if that's easy. i tell her! it's not easy! i feel awful about this, i feel awful every time! i'm frustrated. i want her to understand i don't do this bc i don't care about my or other people's things or don't pay attention to them. i tell her look, every time i get to work i go upstairs to refill my water bottle. then i get coffee and/or chat with coworkers. i put my water bottle down, i need my hands to get coffee. and every time. every. time. i go downstairs and realize i left my water upstairs. i curse myself, i groan, i tell myself come one nico, you must remember later/tomorrow. i almost never do. my mum sighs and laughs awkwardly. yeah, mum, i know, i'm not even 30 and my memory's already fucked. i must have some problem, i say. it's only half a joke. i know i do. she half-jokes too, oh that's for sure, haha. i just don't know which one the many problems i do in fact have are to blame for this. is it the abuse and trauma? the bpd that was the result of it? the many meds i've taken for the bpd and all the rest? the times i've abused those meds? all of those, something else? i don't know. i just know it's hard to feel like everything, from memories to objects to knowledge, is a second away from being lost to me. always. few things feel like they last. and as a person who's obsessed with forever, as a person who loves to learn and know and watch and read and listen, as a person who cares even too deeply sometimes... i feel like i lost myself every day. if myself even exists. what am i when i don't remember most of my life? when i've forgotten almost everything about people who mean the world to me, bc they've been gone for so long? i forget birthdays, i forget ages, i forget umbrellas, i forget unloading the washing machine, i forget i already told you this, i forget smiles, i forget movies, i forget things i studied, i forget i had to call, i forget i needed to add something to the guidebook, i forget if i already took my med or not, i forget my favorite concert, i forget my favorite book, i forget. i forget again.

yesterday i went on a rant on the discord server i'm in with my friends, even if i knew it wasn't likely anyone would see it, bc the server's not very active now and that channel especially, no one looks at it. but i was so so scared i'd forget what happened the other day and even worse would start doubting whether it all happened for real or i made up half of it to make up for voids in my memory. that happens often with stuff like that. the therapist i had my first appointment with was very weird about me being trans and i kept thinking about it and feeling bad and the more i think something over, something i'm upset about, the more i get scared that i'm not recalling things right. so i had to write it all down somewhere other people could, even just potentially, see, and i could look back on. i mean yeah, i also did need to talk about it, so it would've been nice if someone read and replied too, but it's okay, i just at least needed to put it down in words as soon as possible.

i guess i'm just scared it'll get worse and worse the more i age and it's already pretty bad now and yeah

[princess-of-the-corner]

Oh yeah I agree with the nuance, I just think having Chat + halfish of her allies turning on Maribug bc of her actions hurting them that badly would push her into 'i am a horrible person who did everything wrong' thinking .

Like, everything she did was for the Greater Good, but if so many people she cares about were this hurt and she didn't even see it, she must be Bad.

Which is why I think she'd have a Civil War ending breakdown.

Hell, I could even see her wanting and mb even trying to renounce the Ladybug Miraculous and Guardianship (and her memories).

I truly think that, if confronted by all the hurt she caused her loved ones 'for the Greater Good' Mari would break, not double down. And it wouldn't be a 'oh I'm so sorry I saw the error of my ways in twenty minutes and now we're all good now' breakdown, it would be a 'season finale, hero hit rock bottom, how are they gonna bounce back from this' breakdown.

Oh yeah it'll get there eventually.

But it's also like.

There's the initial doubling down which she has already done in Canon whenever this topic came up. If she doesn't do it, things will be worse so she has to. They understand that, don't they? She knows she's not a bad person, she's a good person! Sure she makes mistakes, but she's not a bad person!

And it gets into a cycle of 'I know you're hurt but-' which accidentally invalidates everything they feel. And I think Adrien in specific would be pissed about that because yeah this all started because one fucker decided to say 'I know it will hurt people but -'.

The problem is that she doesn't know how to fix it without confronting that you can do awful shitty things that hurt others on a monumental level and still be a good person.

And on one hand yeah she might have a snap where she goes 'I'm an awful person I should quit you'd be better off without me etc.'. But that has to be handled well for two reasons.

1.) Mari would know that quitting like that would make things worse. Throughout the fighting they've emphasized that they do still care, they're just very hurt by what happened. They also know that she does feel bad. That's not the issue. The issue is the justification of it.

and

2.) if not done right, then her having her breakdown and everyone going 'okay I see you feel bad you're forgiven' is very guilt trip. No one would be over their hurt. They'd just stop bringing it up because doing so sends her into the 'I'm such an awful person I should leave' mode. Not to say that this can't happen, though ofc it would be accidentally and wouldn't last. They need to genuinely work this out.

[okthatsgreat]

hi lee!!!!!!!! ❤️✂️🍎💀🍩🧠 for any oc yyou want to talk about YAYYY! :D

YAYYYYYYY HIIII LILY :333 IM GONNA USE SAE FOR THIS ONE I THINK !!!!!!!!!!!!!

oc ask game!

❤️ - what is one of your oc’s best memories?

URMMMMMMM. a lot of sae's best memories are really tame i think bhgfdghdfj just moments where she could sit back and say Yeah. I am Completely Happy :) BUT the BEST one i think is one she recounts a lot just bc she reallyyy felt like she had found peace. the fishing village near her afi's home holds a yearly festival for fisherman's day that she LOVEESSSS. and IF MY TIMELINE IS CORRECT she got an award i believe in 2012 (??) for her achievements and contribution to her community . and when the festival was over she got to have a long chat with her afi up on a mountain top overlooking the ocean and she holds that conversation very dear to her heart :]

✂️ - what is one of your oc’s worst memories?

(forgive me for being vague theres still a lot to be revealed in the rp hgdfjkggfdsjk!!) shes got a few but the WORST one she remembers suppperrrrr vividly just because everything seemed to happen all at once, the town she was living in was going through one of the WORST thunderstorms it had ever had, and she was seconds away from doing something SO rash . GOD awful day for a thirteen year old to have. BUT it was the catalyst for some major changes in her life, so while she would never go back and do that all over again sae can at least acknowledge that it switched what direction her life took DRASTICALLY. it led her to where she is today but that definitely doesnt mean she looks back at it with any sort of fondness gbhdgbsdf

🍎 - what is the oc's relationship w/their parents like?

her afi and amma were her legal guardians for the majority of her teenage years! and anybody within a five mile radius knows that she LOVES those guys. she takes so much influence from her afi particularly and holds him on a very high pedestal of how she should be behaving and what traits she should portray, just because he is an incredibly patient and wise man. her late amma also influenced her a LOT in terms of hard-work and dedication to others, and when she passed it only caused sae to work even harder to support her afi. not to mention sae truly considers her afi to have saved her life which means she feels she owes a LOT to him ghfdjkg

she doesnt speak with her parents!

💀 - does your oc have any phobias?

she isnt DEATHLY afraid of anything but she gets concerned over superstitious things that arent necessarily a problem to other people lmaooo. like for instance she does NOT fuck with bananas because they are considered terrible luck on boats. she rarely sails on thursdays, took the lucky charms off of her fishing hat and placed it around her waist just so the hat won't fly overboard again, never renames a boat, etc. ALL because she doesnt want to invite bad luck on her ship fghsjd

she's also really not a fan of loud noises!! thunderstorms have a tendency to freak her out but it really depends on the day honestly. catch her in a good mood and she can manoeuvre a boat through them easy peasy, catch her in a bad mood and she'll just sort of stare at the floor unmoving for a bit

🍩 - who is your oc's arch-nemesis or rival?

LMAO sae would never admit out loud that she hates anybody enough to consider them an arch-nemesis or rival. ESPECIALLY pre killing game. now does she dislike people? for sure. is this killing game definitely taking a lot of her pent up resentment and making it ten times worse? definitely

🧠 - what do you like most about the oc?

guy that tried so hard to escape the cycle that she is slowly turning into the very thing she was attempting to run from 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 she is NOTTT breaking the loop

[confessions-official]

idk what 2 warn this as. abuse?? grooming?? toxic relationship probably, sry. also the r, n, and f slur

when i was 13 i entered a long-distance "relationship" with (at the time) an australian 15 yearold and it was sososo great from what i can remember. my memory is shit so i cant remember very much from then but i remember it being very nice. we had a conversation about her feminity (at the time she didnt know she was trans) and i said some shit (HEAVILY paraphrasing) reminding her that she could just Be a girl if she wanted and then she Did. and then i had a girlfriend it was a very nice year. anyway.

few months after that it was fine but then everything kept dissolving into arguments. and idk if i'm just kinda fucked up and neurotic (i tend to react badly 2 rejection of any kind and that wasnt her fault whatsoever) but i think most of the arguments were about me being upset that we werent playing a game together or me feeling left out. we both had a mutual friend and we did so much shit together.

and then it just kept getting worse! the arguments escalated (or they were getting more direct i dont think it was ever about the games) and instead of games the arguments were about how she was treating me. i repeatedly accused her of ignoring the uglier parts of me in favor of my "caring nature". idk how to describe it. i strongly felt, and still kind of feel that she just wanted me to be her mommy who would shower her in endless affection, because whenever i would get into a gloomier mood (because of her or not, mostly not) she would take offense to it.

i also have. anger issues? idk i'm very reactive sometimes and it also forced a lot of arguments out over useless shit

i also sent her a package at some point with a hoodie and some fucking thigh socks she encouraged me to buy when i was eleven or ten. unfortunately it took like 4 months to show up and it felt like every single moment of our time together was her asking about the package. When was it coming has the status changed yet is it in australia yet? it pissed me off so much because it felt like she was just!! using me for clothes!! but i also understand because her family is a crock of shit who wouldn't accept or support her wearing or buying more feminine clothing, and this was one of the only ways she could feel girly.

it eventually bubbled over to the point where i blocked her on all social media platforms and we began arguing heatedly over email. and she sent me this wonderful string of emails where she was kissing/asking to kiss me (something that i fucking HATE – i do not want to be flirted with or called petnames while we argued, i nake this very clear), telling me that we both loved each other, and sent methis fantastic fucking email about how she was excited to see me hang myself on facebook whilst also calling me an unlovable neurodivergent retard.

i have it saved on my phone and it honestly makes me laugh now because of how fucking weirdly its worded. like a bad 4chan copypasta. but anyway lol

that hit especially awful at the time bc i was researching autism because i was 99% sure something wasnt clicking in my brain AND i was having ongoing issues with my mom. i had a massive breakdown in which i stopped speaking to her for 6 months which were the most miserable points of my life. i had to switch emails bc she just kept spamming me while i was having a meltdown!

i think i just got overbearingly lonely at that point bc sometime in 2023 iirc i reached out to her again and we got back together! somehow.

the arguments got even worse and we were on-and-off for a Long time. i was regularly blocking her and arguing with her every other day-ish and jesus fucking christ it was awful! Bad!!!

then our mutual friend turned out to be transphobic and she continued being friends with him ?! and this still really confuses me bc.. i remember being in a voice call with him and he was repeatedly using the incorrect pronouns and did not respond seriously when i corrected him. and i brought it up with her multiple times and she was like Naw dont worry about it??? idk man maybe theres something i was missing???

there was also this time that i told her about how i got groomed twice when i was younger because i trusted her to not tell anyone about it. and then she turned around and Told Our Mutual Friend about it. >_>

AND THE WHOLE GENDER SHIT i'm someone who uses every/all pronouns interchangably and is somewhat genderfluid. i came out to her multiple times because she. kept forgetting i wasnt cis!

at the time i was just using "all pronouns" but my gf kept using feminine terms for me and she/her prns for me and i kept asking her to stop doing that. but she did not. so it turned into an argument where i was telling her that i didnt want her to cherrypick the parts of my identity she liked the most and that i wasnt even a woman. it took her multiple months afterwards to even Begin using masculine terms for me >_> altho it is mainly my fault because i didnt really specify what i meant by "all pronouns" (but she also never asked !?)

recently, about 3~ weeks ago, like a week before my bday, we broke up again. this time it was way messier because i'm not moving my email again. its also permanent i would rather someone put me down than make me go back to talking to her

i finally realized that a newly 15 year old Shouldn't be dating someone who was going to turn 18 in the same fucking year! i blocked her on everything, bur she still had my email so we were arguing over Email again. she went on a racist tangent, repeatedly calling me a stupid white girl and refering to me with the n-slur in the same sentence (i am of mixed race). she also told me it was fine because she was also mixed race and "i'm calling you my homie" which is. yeah! i think she also said something abt me being a fag or whatever but maybe not. i deleted most of her emails as they came in so i dont remember >_>

i also said some awful transphobic shit to her about her pretending to be a girl so she could get closer to me which i. cannot say how much i regret saying that awful crap! it's definitely not reflective of my opinions and my morals, i was trying to get under her skin at the time and more some fucking reason that seemed like the best thing to dig my nails into. it was fucked up with me and if things werent like how they are i would apologize for it immediately.

i havent talked to her since the racist shit nor do i really want to but shes began spamming me with different accounts on another social media platform we're both on. and idk what im going to end up doing about it other than blocking.

these last like 3 years have been Dog Shit i tell ya! sorry 4 the long ask also DEAR GOD ??

 

[biddy-babowo]

/vent

I literally keep freaking out,, I don't even know. mY paranoia of not knowing why my ex friends have left me to coming back, iM always scared. what iF the people that made em block me said untrue things and now that's why iLL never be able to interact with those people again.., wHAT if they think iM an awful person and that gthey never actually liked interacting with me. it was all to get to the other friend so they could both leave. , oR just ,, did i interact with them too much so they found me annoying and didn't like that i was inconstsiant in my personality, actions and memory.?? wHAT if I did something bad without evenknwoing? iVE went thru all our old messages hundreds of times, i never saw anything wrong. the most i saw was that i asked if I could draw art for them, which i never did bc i lost motivation/ they blocked me before I finished it. they never gave signs they wanted to cut contact. thye just blocked me. i never knew why, i wish i could aask them why. why why. after so long. to block me. just to find out they used to vent baout how awful iw as to deal with. why didn't they just tell me they didn't like me, tell me i was annoying, tell me they didn't like when i spoke on my special interests, tell me they hated me. tELL me they planned to cvut contac t when they are my FP, iTS been .. im not sure now. i see them in public, they give me passive aggressive comments, they pruposely make uncomfortable faces to me, they activwely talk down about things i enjoy if they notice im nearby. i dont know wha t i did. i really done. i even told them my brin damage got worse and i dont remeber them much, i once asked them to tell me their name again. which they got upset over and asked me to stop talking to them. what the helll am i supposed to do. i bet they think i fake it. i wish i could fucking fake the shit i have, at least i wouldn;t have things wrong with me then. literally.. i wish i could fake something like that. the worse part is, if they asked me to. i wouldnt hestiate to climb back into their arms, feel the same as i did before. hAVE a FP again , even if it was fake kindness. i literally only didnt end my life for 10+ years bc of them. now even with the people i have who i enjoy talking too, it feels gross, . my brain feels it needs something else. its lacking stimulation, i hallucinate more often than i used too. i keep thiniing of going back on my tranqs but those make the brain daamage worse, giv e fsinting, and worse. i dont want to hrut my body to fix one sympton. its so damn confusing. i just widh i knew why though.aND for people to not cut ocntact so easily with me, im aparently so esay to get rid of buti never can get rid of people. ugh rhrg its stupid all of it

[meat-huge-pain-endless]

huge vent post feel free to ignore✌️

tw just in case tho for depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal ideation, death, disordered eating, drug use, dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization

i need someone to come put a straight jacket on me i ruin everything i fucking touch i don’t want to be a bother but im desperate to be known so i spill my guts just for them to get trampled. and i really do let everyone walk all over me. i assume that every other human being on the planet knows better than me about everything and i will tolerate literally an treatment so long as you’re a little bit nice to me sometimes, or even if you just tell me that you are ill probably believe you. my self esteem is so fucking low plus i can’t ever rlly tell what’s true anymore. my memory is so fucking bad like the amount of times a day i forget what im saying mid-sentence and then forget what i had just said and then forget what i was even talking about in the first place is genuinely embarassing. it’s so fucking humiliating actually like i am so out of it all of the time and i can never tell if it’s bc im dissociating or bc im dehydrated or bc i didn’t sleep or bc i haven’t eaten or bc i forgot to take my adhd meds or bc i hit the pen at 9:30am again or bc i DIDNT hit the pen but i have brain fog from smoking the night before and at this point it’s probably all of it all the time like it is so bad. ive never been worse in my life i don’t think. again i wouldn’t rlly know. all my memories feel a million miles away. im alone in my dorm room rn bc my roommate and our other friend went to our other other friend’s dorm to hang out. if i think about it too hard ill probably start crying. i was crying before they were even out the door.

everyone told me college is where you meet “your people.” the friends you have for the rest of your life. why do i have about 3 friends total (as in i actually hang out with them outside of classes/club meetings/school events/etc) and why do none of them feel like they’re actually my friends. oh wait actually i know why that is. it’s because i don’t feel like im real when im at college. that’s how i felt last year (like school year, and it was awful btw, thought it was the worst year of my life but then this semester happened and now im not so sure) but it just occurred to me that im feeling the same way except this time i wasn’t so alarmed by it bc i got used to it. like this is baseline college feeling for me. the worst part of it all is that everything is actually all my fault. like for real not sarcasm. my anxiety is so fucking severe and i didn’t realize it at all until recently when i started having more frequent panic attacks. i cry most days. i hyperventilate way too easily. i walk thru the world just going about my everyday life with the anxiety levels of an animal being hunted for sport. like literally if i accidentally do something wrong in public like the smallest tiniest stupidest mistake like pushing on a pull door or something i get so embarrassed it like so very seriously and genuinely the idea of people thinking that im stupid or laughing at me makes me want to die like seriously kill myself dead and i cannot overstate that im so scared of what people thjnk of me all the time.

oh and did i mention i also literally never stop thinking? overanalyzing everything i do and say and everything everyone else does and says to me and im always worried that my friends hate me or secretly think im an awful person or im thinking about things that they might potentially hate me for later down the line and sometimes i try to preemptively circumvent that by randomly being like “hey if i ever [insert thing im worried might potentially make them not like me anymore] just know that it’s not because [reason i think it might make them potentially not like me]” OH and i also all the time will ask my friends if they think im a bad person which is like so insane of me actually like why the fuck do i do that THIS IS WHAT I MEANT AT THE BEGINNING!!!! PUT ME IN A STRAIGHTJACKET CUT OFF MY GODDAMN HANDS JUST PLEASE DO SOMETHJNG because no matter what i fucking do i always end up crawling to SOMEONE to beg them for reassurance or tell them something that will make them worry about me (sometimes im not even aware im doing that one!) because i just need someone to care. i need someone to care about me or else im not real. (i feel like i only exist contextually but i don’t have time to get into all that right now). but then i get embarrassed for needing something. the fact that i have needs and wants and desires is the most embarrassing thing in the world. asking for what i want and need is the most mortifying torturous experience in the world. i hate being vulnerable.

i want to be cared for without judgement. i want to stop feeling like i am hard to like and even harder to love. i want to stop feeling tired all the time. i want to stop feeling miserable all the time. i want to feel like im real, like i actually exist. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live either. i think the only thing about death that still scares me is the fact that i would have to go alone. but the idea of infinite nothingness sounds like a dream. it’s so loud in my head all the time. i just want it all to stop.

[vitos-ordination-song]

Sobriety has been weird. I could discuss it further but for now I’ll just focus on how breaking my psychological dependency on all substances has coincided with an ability to sleep. My earliest memories, going all the way back to when I was a toddler, are of not being able to sleep. It started when my parents adopted my second brother and they moved me to a room of my own. I was terrified to sleep alone. I never had nightmares really, though I can remember that being how adults explained what was happening to me. What I had was sleep anxiety—anxiety about the period before sleep. In third grade, it got so bad that I don’t think I slept more than a couple hours a night the entire year.

Some of it stemmed from fear, little kid fears, which are actually deeper and longer lasting than most people realize. I had a kind of existential dread and terror of the unknown which I still recall vividly. It’s also connected to being unable to stop thinking, and being unable to give up conscious control. I can remember having loop after loop as a kid where I would realize I was falling asleep, and just realizing it would prevent me from sleeping. I started to dread going to bed—it built up into such a huge thing in my mind and I would be nervous about it all day.

Finally, my parents completely mismanaged the situation and made it way worse. I’m not sure why they’re like this but they genuinely believed that everything their kids did that bothered them was on purpose. My brothers were punished for wetting the bed, and I was punished for not sleeping. There was a literal panopticon situation going on where they would check on us all night and get mad if we weren’t sleeping. How relaxing. When I started seriously freaking out about sleep, all I got was annoyance. I had many a long night standing completely frozen outside the living room, listening to my parents talk (often shit talk about their kids actually), until one of them got up to get more alcohol, saw me, and shoed me away to bed. It got so bad that I eventually asked them if I was demon possessed, completely seriously. Christian brain will do that to you.

Anyway, I kept having sleep issues to varying degrees as I grew up. I was chronically exhausted during my miserable high school years. The overt anxiety lessened, but I had an aversion to going to bed—I used to wish and wish that I didn’t have to sleep, that I could just have all those hours to myself. Growing up in a controlling home with three siblings probably had something to do with it; I reclaimed the night as my time to make myself feel better, after long days of unhappy work.

A lot of my troubles started with that awful stay in a mental hospital. Family issues forced me in and I was only allowed out if I took the drugs. Lexapro sent me into a horrible sleepless night. My concentration broke, I couldn’t focus, I felt scared, disoriented, dizzy, and I wanted off the damn things. When I complained that the drug was just making me sick, the doctors just prescribed me seraquel, a powerful antipsychotic, to make me sleep. And make me sleep it did! I was highly sensitive to it, actually halving the low dose they gave me. If I took one at 6pm, I would fall asleep around 9, sleep the full night, and be up in time for my freshman college courses. It was a relief to be able to sleep, even if they were a bit too powerful for me, and I took them a long time after I stopped Lexapro. I’m definitely weird bc I hear that other ppl had a lot of side effects from it but it only ever made me sleep.

So that was where the association of using a drug to solve my night time problem began, I suppose. I never liked the Kaiser psychiatrist so I stopped going even before I distanced myself from my family. I also didn’t like that seraquel would take up so much of my day—I would sleep 10-12 hours on it, and I’d also have to take them early because otherwise I couldn’t wake up. I ended up only using them to ensure a night’s sleep when I really needed it, and I’ve long since run out.

In 2019, my life went off the rails, and I started drinking. I was doing weed before that, but drinking is where things really went haywire. Notably, in both cases, I’ve only ever used at night. The anxiety was there—like, I’m not gonna be okay unless I’m doing a drug at night. Only the drug will help me cope with the time I have to kill before bed. A lot of that had to do with loneliness and the many problems in my life. Drinking would just put me to sleep with no problem, while weed would help me dissociate.

Even this last year when I’ve been more sober, only doing weed on the weekends, I still haven’t been sleeping the other days. I just never wanted to. I resisted it. And I never felt like going to bed, I never got sleepy, sleep was rarely appealing to me, except in the mornings when I had to get up for work.

I’ve been thinking about getting sober, taking a long term break from all substances and doing them more sparingly, ending my psychological dependence, for some time. It tends to happen all of a sudden for me, and I’m glad it’s finally clicked. I’ve been feeling really good, healthy, more energetic despite recovering from sickness. I knew I’d be healthier if I stopped doing weed regularly. But I was not expecting to have the sleep problem solved. That goes back so far in my psyche.

It must be that I’m healing the thing that caused both my addiction and my sleep problems. I feel more and more mature lately. I’ve been thinking about maturing for a long time, thinking about changing myself, but I had many frustrating years where my desires weren’t aligning with my actions. All of a sudden, things are clicking into place. The fear is subsiding. The deep rift in my personality is closing (this is where I could talk more about how weed actually helped on this front but I’ll leave it. Suffice it to say that getting sober was the last stage in the process). I’m letting go of control, learning to relax, and becoming more in tune with my body. I can sleep now. I want to sleep now. I want to dream. I want to have flying dreams like I had when I was a child.

[the-bau-quinjet]

Nervous

Hello! This is honestly just a bunch of fluff (a tiny bit of angst bc Spencer worries about everything) and the reader being very nervous! I am currently writing a sequel to take place directly after this one! Read part two here!

Summary: Reader is arrested by the BAU! Little do they know, she is dating the one agent who is currently on medical leave...

warnings: none!

Word Count: 4954

“Are you sure you can pick her up today?” You are currently running around your apartment, phone held to your ear with your shoulder. You have to be at work in fifteen minutes, but first you have to drop your daughter off at school, and you’re running very late.

 “Babe, yes. I’m almost completely healed and I don’t go back to work until tomorrow. I’ll pick her up after school and then meet you at your apartment when you’re done working. Okay?” Thank God for Spencer Reid. He has been on medical leave for 5 days, slowly going insane. But, it meant more time for you and Lily to spend with him, so you’re not complaining.

“That’s perfect, thank you so much! I gotta go, I love you!” You are in such a daze, you don’t stop to think about the three words that just came out of your mouth. You hang up before Spencer can respond as you wrestle with your six year old to put shoes on. Grabbing both of your coats, you run out the door.

 You met Spencer Reid 9 months ago when he came into the hospital you work in with a concussion and some pretty bad bruises. It was really a chance meeting. Normally, you don’t even deal with patients because you work in research. But, your best friend asked you to run some lab results to a patient’s room and you couldn’t say no. Dr. Spencer Reid happened to be that patient.

 He wasn’t supposed to be in the room, but apparently something happened with the CT schedule, and he was done earlier than expected. So, instead of simply dropping off forms in an empty room, you hit a man with a door. Why he was standing behind the door is still a mystery to you, but you felt awful. This man is in the hospital and to make matters worse, you come along and hit him! With a door! You offered to get him some coffee as an apology, and in his concussed state he said “Only if we can go together.” You’ve since realized that was smoother than he normally acts, but you don’t care. He is the most lovable man you’ve ever met. 

 You met up for coffee three days later, and have been dating ever since. He met your daughter, Lily, on the second date. They clicked instantly. You knew then and there that you would love this man forever. You have not, however, actually said I love you before this morning. But, you’re still in too much of a rush to stop and think about it… or even realize it happened.  

 You pull into the parking garage at the hospital 7 minutes late. Honestly, better than you expected. The morning flies by as you work on research grants and hospital studies. All in all, a pretty average day. That is, until you walk back into the building from your lunch break.

 You don’t get a lot of visitors in the research wing, so it’s strange to see two pretty official looking individuals at the front desk. It’s even stranger to hear your name come out of one of their mouths.

 “Hi there. We are Agents Morgan and Rossi from the FBI. We’re looking Ms. Y/N L/N. Is she here?” That must have been Morgan talking.

 Spencer has told you a lot about his team. You feel like you know them all already with how many stories he’s told you. You’ve been hesitant to meet them though because of Lily. You don’t want her to get too attached to him and his friends if things were to go sideways. You haven’t really dated anyone since her father, so you’re a bit nervous. Spencer, of course, completely understands. He just wants you to be happy. It’s hard not to love him even more at the thought.

 You are immediately thrown into a panic at the sight of the two agents. Your thoughts are running wild with possibilities. They must be here because something happened to Spencer. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. He’s not even working today.

 Your panicked train of thought pulls to a stop when the two agents walk up to you. “Ms. L/N? Can we speak with you for a moment?” You nod, leading them toward your office.

 “Of course. My office is just down the hall.” You can’t help but feel nervous at the prospect of meeting Spencer’s coworkers without him. Especially if it has to do with a case they’re working. These are the people he loves most in the world. They are his family. What if they don’t like you? What if they think you’re an idiot? What if they think Spencer can do better? It also doesn’t help that you know they can tell you’re nervous because you know they are profilers. You sit down behind your desk, offering them the seats on the opposite side.

 “Ms. L/N, you’re in charge of the research department, correct?” Rossi says it like a question, but he clearly knows the answer.

 “That’s right.” You are trying everything you can to get your nerves to settle, but it just isn’t working. You’re basically lying to two human lie detectors, even if it is just by omission.

 “So if items were to go missing from this laboratory, you would be responsible for reporting it.” It was Morgan who spoke this time. It’s hard for you to follow their line of questioning. What would go missing? It’s not like you wouldn’t notice if a fume hood suddenly disappeared.

 “I suppose so, although it depends on what items. We don’t have a specific inventory of commonly used products like syringes and gauze, we just order more when we get low.” You can’t decide which agent to focus on. Your eyes are flicking nervously between both of them.

 “What about human tissue?” When the words come out of Morgan’s mouth, you freeze for just a second. You don’t have any human tissue in the lab, so how would it go missing? Of course, the profilers take the delay in your response to mean something other than confusion.

 “We- we don’t use human tissue in this specific laboratory. We focus on small animal models. The other research lab is responsible for human tissue protocols.” You stutter through your words under the harsh glares of the two agents. It is really not helping your nerves.

 “Then how do you explain this?” Rossi slides a paper across your desk. It’s housed in a large plastic bag with “EVIDENCE” across the top in big, block letters. It’s a form you have never seen before. The kind someone would fill out to transfer human tissue between labs. Your hands shake as you hold the paper, slowly trying to figure out what it is. You almost puke when you reach the bottom. It has your signature as an approval of the request. You drop the paper as if it has burned you.

 “I’ve never- I didn’t- how did-” You’re cut off before you can try to finish your sentence, but you don’t hear what they are saying. You feel the cold click of metal around your wrists, tight enough to just pinch your skin. They lead you back out of the building, to a waiting SUV. You can’t help but be grateful that nobody was there to witness your arrest.

 The ride to Quantico is silent. You keep trying to figure out how someone could have signed your name on that form, but you can’t focus. Your mind keeps drifting to memories with Spencer.

 You remember your first date in the coffee shop a block away from the hospital. He ordered a black coffee only to pour in an exorbitant amount of sugar. He blushed slightly, as if he was embarrassed by his drink preferences, only for his features to transform into a soft smile as you did exactly the same thing. The two of you talked for hours, only ending the date when you had to go pick up Lily.

 You remember running into him in the park with Lily, what you would come to refer to as your second date. He looked ethereal sitting at a table playing chess. Lily ran up to him, or rather the chess board he was sitting in front of, before you could stop her. She wanted to know what the horsey was for. You watched as he patiently explained to the five year old that it was a knight responsible for defending the king. 

He told her how it moves on the board. He told her how it was special because it is the only piece that can jump over other pieces. He must have spent 15 minutes talking to her about this one piece. And she was enthralled. When he was done, he looked around to find the child’s parents only to meet your eye. You’ll never forget the way his smile grew when he realized Lily was yours. The three of you spent the rest of the day in the park, playing chess, walking around the pond, and getting to know each other.

 You remember the look in his eyes right after he kissed you the first time. You remember how worried you were the first time he was injured on a case. You remember Lily asking you if he could be her daddy, and crying yourself to sleep that night because you wanted that too, more than anything, and you were so scared it wasn’t going to happen.

 Then you finally remember he’s picking Lily up from school today. Suddenly, the car ride isn’t so quiet anymore.

 “I need to call someone.” The words come out frantic and rushed. You are absolutely sure the expression on your face screams crazy, but this is about your kid, so you really don’t care. You need to call Spencer. Then he’ll come fix this. Explain how you couldn’t possibly be involved. The agent’s response is shorter than you expected.

 “Why?” Rossi sounds skeptical when he asks it. You would later suppose that he had a reason to be skeptical of you. Right now though? You didn’t do anything wrong so the whole innocent until proven guilty thing feels a little fake to you at the moment.

 “My boyfriend is picking up my daughter from school. I need to call him.” You don’t really know how to tell them said boyfriend is one Dr. Spencer Reid. You weren’t supposed to meet his friends yet and definitely not without him. You aren’t really in the right headspace to be deciding if right now is the best moment to out your relationship.

 “If he’s already planning on picking her up, you shouldn’t need to call him.” It feels to you at this moment that they don’t even believe you have a child. Of course, they must know because they have the one and only Penelope Garcia to find out every little thing about you. Before you can say anything else, they are dragging you out of the SUV and into the building. You are pushed through security into an elevator that takes you to the fifth floor. The BAU. You thought the first time you visited Spencer’s work would be a happier occasion. And that he would be here. The whole situation would actually be kind of funny if you weren’t so worried and nervous.

 The first thing you say when you are lead through the very intimidating glass doors is “JJ.” You would come to understand why that might earns some stares. The whole room is looking at you as if you have grown another head.

 “How do you know my name?” That’s a loaded question. Spencer has showed you pictures of his godson, Henry. JJ happened to be in some of those pictures as he is in fact, her son. Of course, you can’t really articulate that because you are too stressed and nervous to form full sentences. It takes a lot out of a person to be arrested, dragged from their place of work, shoved in a car, driven two hours through DC traffic, and then pulled into the FBI building as a suspect.

 Instead of properly calming yourself down until you can form a complete sentence, your eyes go wide and you say “Henry” as if that is enough of an explanation. If looks could kill, you would be dead.

 “How do you know my son’s name?” JJ’s words are so harsh, you physically flinch.

 “I.. it’s just that… You… Well… I-” You are a loss for words, yet again. You didn’t expect for Spencer’s best friend to ever look at you with such disgust. It’s honestly a little overwhelming to think the people he calls family all currently hate you. Even if they don’t really know who you are.

 “Maybe a few hours in here will jog your memory.” And with that you’re left alone to sit in a cold metal chair and stare at your reflection.

 --

 Throughout your relationship, Spencer has tried not to worry. You frequently come home from work a bit later than you originally planned, especially if you feel like you got a late start. So, when you don’t enter your apartment right at 5:30, he doesn’t think anything of it. When 6:00 rolls around, he texts you. At 6:30 he calls. By the time it reaches 7:00 and he still hasn’t heard from you, he’s actively pacing your small living room. When his most recent call goes to voicemail, he breaks. He packs up Lily’s stuff and the two of them are on the way to Quantico, finding you being the only thing on his mind.

 He replays his favorite moments with you in his mind as he drives from your DC apartment to Quantico. Normally, he’d take the metro, but if you really are missing it’s safer for Lily in the car.

He remembers the look on your face when you realized you hit him with a door. He couldn’t imagine a more beautiful person. You looked so guilty, he felt the need to hug you to tell you it was okay. It was a foreign feeling for him. He’s never been one to physically comfort people. Maybe it was the concussion. It was definitely the concussion that gave him the courage to ask you to coffee.

 He remembers the fluttering of butterflies in his stomach when he watched you pour almost as much sugar as him into your coffee. The soft smile on your face as the two of you spent hours talking about anything he could think of to keep the conversation from ending.

 He remembers the utter joy he felt upon realizing the five year old who inquired about the horsey on the chess board is your daughter. He remembers how he felt when he looked up, expecting to find an annoyed parent given that he just lectured a five year old on one chess piece for 15 minutes, but was instead met with your kind smile and loving eyes. He loves Lily just as much, if not more than he loves you.

 He remembers how you hung up the phone this morning before he could say “I love you too.” And now the thoughts he’s tried so hard to block out are circling in his mind. The words repeating in his head, over and over. What if I never see her again? What if I can’t tell her I love her?

 He pulls into the garage, carrying Lily so he can run faster into the building. He puts her down when they finally reach the elevator. She’s been surprisingly calm despite Spencer’s nervous attitude.

 “Spencie, where is Momma?” Spencer’s heart constricts at the sound of her sweet voice. He doesn’t know where you are, and it terrifies him.

 “We are going to find out! How would you like to see my desk? You can play with the cube I showed you at home!” He pulls a Rubik’s cube out of his satchel, placing it in Lily’s small hands. He guides Lily to his desk, telling her to stay there while he looks for his friends. She looks so tiny in his desk chair, he would stop to take a picture if his phone had that feature.

 He finds the team in the round table room. His eyes scan the room, landing on JJ’s concerned expression last. He’s surprised to find Will in the room as well. JJ notices him before anyone else.

 “Spence, thank God you’re here. We need fresh eyes.” Before he can protest, Morgan is filling him in on the events that have unfolded.

 “We brought a suspect in from DC, and she knew JJ.” Spencer’s eyes go wide. If the team is in trouble, that could be why Y/N was taken.

 “When I asked her how she knew me, her only response was ‘Henry.’ Something doesn’t add up.” Movement in the doorway catches everyone’s eye.

 “Spencie, did you find Momma yet?” Lily stands in the doorway, looking straight at Spencer.

 “Not yet sweetheart. I have some cookies in my bag, why don’t you go back to my desk and eat them, okay?” 

“Can I have two?” The little girl holds up two of her tiny fingers, unaware of the confused glances from every adult in the room that isn’t Spencer. 

“Of course, sweet pea. Whatever you want. You can even spin around in my chair!” The child nods before running back to Spencer’s desk. Spencer turns around to find all eyes on him. The entire team wears similar expressions of shock and awe.

 “Spencie?” Derek questions the nickname.

 “Sweetheart?” JJ’s more focused on how Spencer responded.

 “Who the heck was that 'sweet pea’ and why have you kept her from me?” Garcia is glaring at Spencer for hiding such a cutie pie from her for however long.

 “She’s why I’m here. Well not her, her mother. We’ve been dating for the last 9 months. I picked up Lily from school today. We were supposed to meet back at her apartment, but she never came home. She’s not answering my calls and I don’t know where she could be.” Spencer breaks down as he tries to explain what’s going on. He can’t imagine a world without you in it.

 “Reid, give Garcia her phone number to track her location. This could all be related to our case. If someone is targeting the BAU, we will find them.” Hotch’s no nonsense tone calms everyone in the room. Again, movement in the doorway catches everyone’s attention.

 “Sir, she keeps saying she can explain everything. I know you said 3 hours, but I think she’s ready now.”

 “Thank you, Anderson. We’ll be right there.” The agent leaves without another word. Hotch turns back to continue filling Spencer in on the case. “Reid, we’ve got a suspect in custody. She doesn’t match the profile, but we think she knows something.”

 “She mentioned a boyfriend in the car. He might know something too.” Morgan pipes in as well.

 “I want to talk to her. If she knows where Y/N is, I have to talk to her.” Spencer is out of the room before anyone can stop him. He’s practically running across the bullpen to get to the interrogation room.

 “Y/N?” Morgan questions to the agents left in the round table room.

 --

 You are so cold. They must have the air turned down to put you on edge. You have finally calmed yourself down enough to form actual sentences instead of useless mumbling.

 “Please. Let me explain! I can tell you everything. Well, not everything, because I don’t know how my signature ended up on that paper, but I can tell you about JJ! And Henry! Let me explain!” You never thought about how weird it would be to know someone could be watching your every move. You feel like you’re talking to nobody as you beg for them to let you explain.

 The door flies open with so much force, you fall out of your chair in shock. There are hands on you, pulling you to your feet before you’ve even registered hitting the ground.

 “Where is sh- Y/N?” Spencer’s tone of voice changes so quickly your brain can’t follow. You just look into his before you burst into tears.

 “Oh thank God. Spencer, I was so scared. I was so nervous when Derek and Rossi came to interview me. I didn’t want them to hate me, you know? Even though they didn’t know who I was. And then I saw JJ, and I got even worse. I mean, she’s your best friend! And she sounded so angry, which was my fault, but I couldn’t even form words to explain myself because I was so sure these people- the people you consider family- were going to hate me and I made everything so much worse. But I-” Spencer knows if he doesn’t cut you off, you’ll ramble endlessly. It’s always like that when you spend too much time alone. As if all the energy you could’ve spent talking to someone pours out of you all at once.

 “Shh, baby, it’s okay. We can explain everything. I’m so happy to see you. To know you’re okay. God, I love you too.” You turn your tear stained face to look up at him.

 “Wha- oh my God. I said that. I didn’t even realize I said it. But it’s true. I love you so much. I can’t imagine a world without you. That’s why I was so nervous about meeting the team. And they wouldn’t let me call you, so I couldn’t ask you what to do.” The two of you continue trying to fill each other in on what has lead you to this moment.

 Hotch and JJ make their way into the room without either of you noticing. They both sit down before either speaks. “Reid, I’m going to need you to leave the room.” Spencer turned around with you still in his arms, your head pulled tight to his chest. He glares at his boss before responding. “No. She didn’t do this. The dates from the case file you gave me, they don’t line up. April 17th, we watched the new episode of Doctor Who and spent the rest of the night discussing theories. April 20th, we went to dinner to celebrate Lily’s sixth birthday. April 22nd we watched Tangled with Lily until she fell asleep and then we…” He trailed off, turning a bright shade of pink. You wiggled in his arms, trying to hide the blush on your face as well.

 “Spence, where’s Lily?” You know he needs to leave if you are ever actually going to get out of this room.

 “She’s at my desk. She looked so tiny in my chair.” He practically has heart eyes as he thinks back to where he left your little girl.

 “Why don’t you go tell her you found me? I’ll be okay.” You wipe the remaining tears from your eyes as you sit back down in the cold metal chair. Spencer looks as though he would rather read Twilight again than leave you, but he reluctantly walks out of the room.

 You start rambling before the agents get a chance to ask you a question.

 “I’m so sorry. I’ve probably wasted so much of your time. I just freaked out when I realized I was meeting Spence’s family. That’s why I know your son’s name.” You turn slightly to look at JJ. “He talks about him all the time, and he’s shown me pictures. I’m so so sorry that you had to worry about your child’s safety because of me. I was just nervous to meet you. That’s why I haven’t met you yet actually. Because I didn’t want Lily to get too attached if something happened and we broke up. Not that I can imagine breaking up with Spencer. I would spend the rest of my life with him if he gave me the chance.” You can feel the tears brimming again. “I really don’t know why my name is on that paper. I never would have signed it! My lab doesn’t use human tissues.” You try to stress that point.

 “Ms. L/N, we believe you. We never thought you were responsible, but it was a suspicious situation. You can never be too careful in our line of work.” Hotch still looks extremely serious, but his tone is slightly more relaxed than when he threw you into this room.

 “Of course. I would’ve thought I was guilty if I didn’t know the truth. Is there anything I can do to help?” You are so relieved to know they don’t think you’re a crazy murderer.

 “We need to ask you a few questions about the people who work in your lab.”

 “Oh. Okay.” You have to actively force yourself not to start rambling again.

 “Do you know any of these people?” The agent shows you three pictures of young women. They couldn’t be more than 25.

 “No…” You can’t put your finger on it, but they look familiar.

 “But?” JJ encourages you to continue.

 “I’m not sure. They look familiar for some reason.” All three women have brunette hair and green eyes. Their face shapes are even shockingly similar.

 “Do you know anyone who looks like these women?” You don’t know how they know that, but you do. They’ve planted the seed, and it instantly grew into a massive oak.

 “I do! Her name is Renee. Um... Renee Watkins. She works in the hospital, in the lab where they run blood tests.” You look at the agents with hope in your eyes. Maybe now they’ll let you leave. They both stand up without saying anything else. Hotch leaves first. JJ stares at you for a minute.

 “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just, you’re his best friend. If you hate me, we won’t work. He cares about all of you way too much for me to get in the way of that.” You honestly still feel awful about the unnecessary fear you’ve caused her and her family.

 “He cares about you too. He’s been happier than I’ve seen him in years. I knew something was up, but I didn’t want to push him.” You can’t keep your smile off your face at her words. “Let’s forget about all of it. I’m just going to focus on the relief of knowing nobody is after my son.”

 “Thank you. I really am so sorry though.” You feel the need to keep apologizing.

 “Really, it’s fine. Come with me, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

 JJ leads you back to the bullpen. Right as you turn the corner, you can spot Spence playing with Lily and Henry. He’s captivated their attention with a magic trick.

 “He’s so good with them.” Almost involuntarily, your hand brushes over your stomach.

 “He’s always wanted to be a father.” JJ eyes your hand before giving you a rather pointed look.

 “Oh! No, I’m not pregnant.” You let your arm fall back to your side. “He’s just so good with Lily; she asked me if he could be her dad.” You can feel the tears coming again. “I just know that one day I will have that man’s babies.” JJ snorts and suddenly the two of you break out laughing. Your laughter makes enough noise to capture Spencer’s attention, two little pairs of eyes following his lead. All three of them are suddenly running across the room to you and JJ.

 Lily jumps into your arms, much as Henry does to JJ. You pull her close, leaning into Spencer as his arms circle around you both. The moment is interrupted when Penelope Garcia comes running into the room.

 “I’ve got him. Shane Harrison, 28. He dated Renee Watkins in high school. He was recently fired from his position in the human tissues lab at Children’s National Hospital. There are reports of him breaking in, although nothing was reported stolen due to falsified transfer documents.”

 “What made him start killing?” Morgan asks while you and JJ desperately cover the children’s ears.

 “Renee recently got engaged. She posted all about her new fiancée on social media. I already texted you the address.” JJ says a rushed goodbye to Will and the team is out the door. Lily runs back over Spencer’s desk with Henry so she can show him the Rubik’s cube.

 “Aren’t you going to help them?” You turn to Spencer who hasn’t left your side.

 “I think they can manage this one without me. I’m needed somewhere else at the moment.” As if to prove his point, he leans in to kiss you. It’s short and sweet and everything you needed at the moment.

 The sound of someone clearing their throat pulls the two of you out of your bubble.

 “Hi, I’m Penelope Garcia. I’m sure the Genius Doctor has told you all about me.”

 “He has indeed. You’re even lovelier in person.” Garcia is just as bright and bubbly as Spencer described her. It makes you smile to think that the team has her never ending positivity while they are surrounded by so much darkness.

 “We are having a team gathering at Rossi’s tomorrow night. You should both come. And Lily!” Garcia smiles again before walking away.

 “You know that means we have to go, right?” Spencer asks you the obvious question.

 “I know honey. You’re afraid of what Garcia could do to you if you get on her bad side.” You laugh at his pout, pulling him down the stairs and over to Lily. It’s about time you all head home.

[supercantaloupe]

on Aelwyn Abernant, the Reformed Villain Squad, and redeeming teenage antagonists

an analysis on antagonist character development in Fantasy High. spoilers through sophomore year and (mildly so) the most recent roll20 oneshot. essay under the cut bc i am very long winded

the turnaround with Aelwyn in s2 is handled so well  i cant get over it. she was such a major antagonist in the first season and just. despicable. she had no pathos. we hated this bitchy older sister who tried to kill Adaine and her friends and raise an evil dragon, and when she gets knocked on her ass and thrown in jail, we cheer.

and then s2 fucking starts saying “hey she’s in jail still if you’d like to look into that” and pursuing that thread ends up being almost as comedic an idea as it is a reluctant one; it’s also quickly shunted to the background as soon as more pressing leads present themselves, to the point where we almost forget about her until Adaine is kidnapped and then the first time you see her it’s just. viscerally upsetting.

she’s bad. she did evil. she got what she deserved.

but she already got what she deserved. last season.

she got her ass handed to her by a bunch of 14 year olds including her little sister (how embarrassing!). her plans were thwarted. she got punched in the face and made fun of. she already got her punishment.

it just……immediately registers as over-the-top Wrong to be told “hey, remember that antagonist you beat last season? she’s still being punished for that, except it’s way worse than just going to mumple.”

and there’s that reminder that like…this is a teenager. a child. who has been manipulated and abused. which is a really fascinating look at this character we used to see pretty much unilaterally as a one dimensional bitchy villain.

i mean we got a more in depth look at Penelope’s and Biz’s motivations in s1 (Penelope being the popular rich girl sorceress obviously hungry for power and the alllure of the high school clout that is being prom queen, but also we know that her having to turn on her best friend Sam Nightingale as part of the scheme was something she was reluctant and not happy to do; and Biz being that predatory incel creeper type dude besides just a nerd with computers and a lack of social graces). and they were as much willingly active in the plot as Aelwyn was. yet in s1 they really never do bother to explore Aelwyn’s motivations. i remember after watching s1 but before s2 that was one of my biggest lingering questions: why tf was Aelwyn involved?

well. she was manipulated and abused. her terrible parents raised her in an awful environment that conditioned her to Listen and Obey and Behave and Be Perfect, and then Kalina helped cinch the noose around her neck with threats and coersion into the KVS Kaper and the NMK crown debacle. she doesn’t freely choose any of it; she’s coerced, manipulated, abused.

and she already got justifiably punished for her bad actions in s1. the torture is almost literal overkill. it’s just……there’s this immediate turnaround in sympathy and view of the character. on first watch, it’s viscerally upsetting to see her getting so brutally punished for actions she already faced consequences for, and on rewatch, it makes your skin crawl to know she’s being tortured for terrible things she had little choice in carrying out. and tortured by some of the very same people who coerced her to behave terribly in the first place, to add insult to injury.

and it’s still fucking frustrating when they rescue her and her memory gets reset and she goes back to her parents because it’s like “well shit, she’s evil again, and we just wasted all that effort for nothing” but it’s also sad cause we know she’s running back to her abusers and she isn’t happy about it but doesn’t feel like she has a choice. and it’s sadder still that what eventually inevitably gets her to turn to good for good (i.e. away from her parents) is just. a full dissociative mental breakdown.

(but then she survives and it’s gonna be good!!! until Adaine dies in her fucking arms. which is. almost funny. she’s been through so much shit and that isn’t something that Brennan would have just. preplanned. like a written in plot point. no, that was just an unpredictable consequence of the battle. what a juicy fucking moment. she’s been through All That Shit™️ and has finally turned to fight for good and her sister just fully dies in front of her. yeowch)

and she turns out okay in the end. she comes out the other side alive and whole and supported by her sister and her friends, with the hope of a future and recovery. there is an acknowledgement that A) she can and will grow from her mistakes and damage, B) it’s going to be really hard, and C) the post-s2 one shots both prove that she’s doing okay now. hell, she has a whole squad now of other former-teenage-villains-turned-good-guys. she has friends now, Ragh and Zayn, with common ground, and a secret handshake and everything. they’ve all grown from the mistakes of their past into better, happier, healthier people

and about Zayn and Ragh. we’ve seen a lot of characters, protagonist and antagonist, teenage and adult, PC and NPC do some really fucked up shit and get punished for it. but why do they get happy endings? why are Aelwyn, Ragh, and Zayn the only members of the RVS and not someone else like Biz or Penelope or Dayne? 

well, the latter two are dead by then; but then again, Biz and Ragh were also killed by the Bad Kids in s1, and subsequently resurrected. (Zayn died too, but was neither killed nor revived at the Bad Kids’ hands, so i’ll get to him in a sec.) and there are plenty of adult antagonists the Bad Kids face who are killed and left that way by the Bad Kids without second thought: Johnny Spells, Coach Daybreak, Captain Wicklaw, the Abernant parents (presuming Arianwen doesn’t survive in the forest for very long, which i doubt). why do some characters get second chances while others don’t?

in the case of Zayn, his death was pretty much out of the Bad Kids’ hands, and they later found out he was manipulated by Daybreak into being bad anyway because of his sad living situation. he was a pretty minor antagonist in the scheme of things, and when we re-meet him as a ghost in the s1 epilogue, he’s pretty obviously remorseful for his actions. and dying seems like a steep enough punishment to me for the shit he did to contribute to the KVX caper; returning as a ghost, free from the trappings of his unfortunate living life, he now has the room and freedom to grow into a better person.

in the cases of Daybreak, Spells, Wicklaw, and the Abernant parents: these are bad people who should know better. these are fully grown adults who actively choose to do evil. whether they think it’s the right thing to do or not (in Daybreak’s case), whether they think it will benefit them and don’t care about anyone else (in the Abernants’ case), or whether they don’t care much at all and are just doing shit because they feel like it (in the cases of Spells and Wicklaw), these are all adults who consciously make the decision to do terrible things and hurt other people. of course Johnny Spells, who is generally a punk thief and thug, is not on the same level of bad as Angwyn, who kidnaps and tortures his own daughters for political gain, but the point remains. these fuckers should know better. they’re grown ups. they had their chances to be good and they chose not to heed them. their minds are set on bad actions and they are a continued danger to other people as long as they are alive. when they die, the Bad Kids do their damndest to make sure it stays that way.

now, in the cases of Penelope and Dayne: these are teenagers who actively chose to participate in an evil plot. Penelope, Dayne, and Biz were all fully cognizant of what they were doing trying to raise KVX back to his former power. why? well, to some extent, we can only speculate. i suspect Penelope was just one of those Regina George bitches who is rich and popular and powerful and obsessed with power and popularity within high school as if that’s the end-all-be-all of existence (which, like, when you’re currently in high school, is a somewhat understandable worldview i think). Dayne being her boyfriend and a musclehead jock probably falls into a similar line of thinking. they are actively and willingly trying to cause harm, and teenager or not, must be stopped. they’re killed, anyway, during the Climactic Battle™️ anyhow; it’s not like the Bad Kids were going to gain anything at that point by keeping them alive.

now, Biz: Biz is the creepy Nice Guy incel type, sees woman as a prize he deserves to win, yadda yadda. he does, like Penelope and Dayne, actively choose to help KVX. there might be something to be said about his motivation the Bad Kids discover after the arcade battle by detecting his thoughts (that being to upload the captured maidens from the palimpsests to “call the shots” himself) is an altered memory; whether this was his original motivation from the start or not, i’m not sure. but the Bad Kids do kill him – and then resurrect him for important, time-sensitive information. and they beat it out of him – he gets two of his fucking fingers blown off. and Riz reattaches them once they have their info, and they realize his memory is altered. of course, the Bad Kids don’t know at this point that the altered memory was something he, Penelope, and Aelwyn had planned and agreed on and done to themselves, but this points to something important in my opinion: the Bad Kids, and the narrative/show as a whole by extension, acknowledge that external manipulation affects how guilty someone is in a crime.

which brings us to Ragh. Ragh, introduced from episode 1 as the meathead jock. Ragh the archetypical one-dimensional high school bully. Ragh who works with the harvestmen in effort to (ostensibly) end the world/provoke international war. Ragh, whose low intelligence but high loyalty and internalized homophobia led him to be fully swayed and blindly led by his coach and captain, who have actively chosen to do evil. Ragh who is killed in combat by the Bad Kids and resurrected for information, not Daybreak. Ragh, who the Bad Kids realize was probably not aware of exactly what he was being made to do and how bad it really was. Ragh, who by their kindness in sparing his life and directing him on a better path, becomes a well-rounded character and an active ally to the Bad Kids during and after prom, an invaluable companion during their quest in sophomore year, and overall a really good friend and person. 

(it might also be worth considering the case of Jawbone here, too, who started out a very minor antagonist in a fight but ended up becoming a major NPC because the Bad Kids talked to him, found out he came from an unfortunate situation and set of circumstances, and showed him kindness in offering the school guidance counselor position, a kindness that isn’t really owed but given anyway and ends up changing his entire life for good.)

and then, Aelwyn, whose case is already discussed above. so, why is the RVS what it is, why them but not others?

if you’re familiar with Avatar: the Last Airbender, you’re probably familiar with Zuko’s character arc, and how it’s often lauded as a masterful example of developing a villain into a hero over the course of a narrative. what makes Zuko’s arc so well done and exceptional is that he starts out as a kid in a bad situation under the influence of bad adults seeking to do bad deeds, but he later realizes the error of those ways, actively removes himself from that situation despite the difficulty and danger in doing so, goes through a lot of shit and reflects on his past mistakes and learns from them, and then actively chooses to fight for good in the end with the help of close, trusted friends, found family. 

this, i believe, is the same in the case of Fantasy High and its treatment of the RVS. its members, like Zuko, are all teenagers who came from shitty situations and were manipulated by evil adults to do bad. they are punished for their bad actions, and they learn from their errors and mistakes. with the kindness and help of good people, friends and chosen family, they are able to escape their abusers and bad situations and grow into their own people. and they actively choose to improve themselves with that help and fight for good.

Fantasy High, through the arcs of Jawbone, Zayn, Ragh, and especially Aelwyn, asserts that it is not your fault if you come from a bad situation and are forced to behave badly as a result. it does not pretend that you are absolved of any responsibility for those actions; quite the opposite, as even though they were externally manipulated into their evil actions, all of those mentioned characters face tangible consequences for their actions and later express remorse for their mistakes. but Fantasy High also asserts that even if you have made great mistakes in your past, even if you came from a bad situation beyond your control, even if you were manipulated and abused, with care and love and support and a hell of a lot of work and effort, you can improve your situation and find good, happiness, peace, you can thrive. evil adults who should know better don’t get redeemed. teenagers who aren’t coerced but actively choose evil don’t get redeemed. but abused kids deserve another shot at happiness. with enough work, and some love and help along the way, they can get there, even from the lowest imaginable point, from rock fucking buttom. it’s possible.