#i feel like ive stagnated and like ive been essentially completely frozen for the past 3-4 months now
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ohkay this is a rant i apologize just scroll past it is mindless g o i n g off i just need a space to do this so dont yeah,
#personal#i would love for the puzzle pieces in my thought processes to stop falling in this way#because now ive settled that happiness is temporary and depression is the empty void in between all happiness (or other emotions but for#intensive purposes im saying intense feelings of disgust or loss or emptiness or sadness even count even though depression is more the lack#of those things its still in the same chunk and i dont know how to explain that#my thing now is that well if happiness is a state of being that takes an external cue then im bound to feel depressed for any other time#or at the very least feel incredibly disenfranchised with being alive or feel loss for my ability to feel actually outside of drinking or#getting high and now any happiness is just transparent#it feels like a film of relief rather than a genuine actual real emotion#i cant genuinely convince myself anymore that i have a future that is worth this anymore and i cant genuinely tell myself that im going to#reach my dreams and be a good teacher or improve as a musician or become a better person#i feel like ive stagnated and like ive been essentially completely frozen for the past 3-4 months now#and even then from march to october i essentially denied that my life wasnt going great and i just focused on work or school instead of#actually facing my mother's passing and the dissilusionment of my family dynamics that allowed for this to happen out of nothing more than#greed and my increasing anger for my father's side of the family specifically my grandfather and my aunt#and additionally within the last 2 months having put together some stuff that I didnt think would affect me but now it really really really#wont stop bothering me and showing up in nightmares and putting me in a vague constant state of dulled panic even though i cant remember or#prove the actual event especially because it would have been like 14 years ago and im so confused why this has#to come up now right when I was finally working through my grief in a healthy manner and now i cant even manage to keep myself together#and im afraid because i have officially hit the piont of complacent suicidal ideation#like eh if a car hits me so be it or if i got cancer tomorrow somehow i probably would just deny treatment and call it what it is#and like essentially ill take any out that isnt a direct end of my own life not because i dont necessarily have the mindset of being#suicidal or whatever but more becuase i couldnt put that on the people in my life to deal with#itd be a lot easier to lose your wife to chronic health issues unexpectedly and then a year later lose ur daughter to an accident than to#a suicide like i cannot put that on my dad nor can i put it on my peers and friends because we all have to much fucking shit goingo n#and now im trapped#i fucking hate feeling trapped it is terrifying im petrified and i just feel like im stuck and like im going to permanently feel stuck and#trapped and cornered and locked in this fucking gray dreary empty cell that no one has the key or and that honestly may as well be a#room encased in concrete wtih no door and no solution and no way out#like
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