#i feel like it would be just insane mind games and micro aggressions

[stewykablooey]

do u guys think succession wouldve been more fucked up if the roys were old money

[tinyboxxtink]

Helpless *Part 5*

Note: I appreciate the support guys, you have no idea. You believe in this story and it makes me SO happy!! <3

Masterlist:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 6

Tag List: 

@wanniiieeee

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@word-scribbless

@dumauier

You promptly followed Arianna to the back, practically stepping on her heels.

"You're WRONG about him, Arianna. He's too smart for this, for me-- for us," You warned. "AND he works for the MAYOR. Do you really want to go to prison when he figures out our game?!"

"See but THAT'S how much faith I have in you babe," She didn't even hesitate to shut you down. "I know you would never get us in trouble..." She wrapped an arm around you.

"...EVER," The arm going around your shoulder was soon pushing you back out into the restaurant, where a now composed Rafael sat, watching you intensely.

"....What the fuck was that?" He said in an eerily calm voice.

"W-What are you talking abo--" You tried to speak but he immediately jumped over you in an angry voice.

"What the FUCK, was that?!" He asked again, then proceeded to talk not waiting for you to answer.

"I have never, EVER spoken ANYTHING about my father out loud. To ANYONE. I have spent my entire adult LIFE making sure of it. And here 30 minutes with you and I'm making a flippant comment about my childhood trauma?!" His fist pounded the bar.

"What, the fuck...did you do to me?" he growled.

Alright, keep calm. You had this.

"What did I DO to you?" You snorted, like it was the stupidest question in the world.

"Rafael 10 minutes ago you didn't even BELIEVE in the science, and now all of a sudden I put a SPELL on you? Are you out of your mind?!" You rolled your eyes with a dismissive laugh, clearly agitating him more. People tended to be easier to read when they became emotional, and certainly easier to manipulate.

"Then how do you explain it, hmm?" He licked his lips, signs of disgust. God you hated this.

"Gee, I don't know Rafael. You ever stop to think maybe it was something MORE than science, some kind of different 'voodoo'?!"

"Like what...?" He blinked at you, trying to figure out what you were implying.

"Something about you just makes me feel...safe," You placed your hand over his once more, playing with the hair on his knuckles.

"Look, I understand why you're upset. But-- you know, it's not only you who's vulnerable right now," You lowered your voice into a soft, soothing tone.

"You know, I've never told anyone else about me and Ari before," you bit your lip and looked at the floor. Sure you hadn't, except every other guy Ari had made you scam.

"You ever think that's why you just blurted out stuff about your dad? Maybe that we had a connection that was bigger than some emotional reading bullshit?" Gaslighting was always a great way to knock someone down real quick.

You saw Rafael's anger dissipate from his face; you watched as his eyes filled with hope. You knew you were preying on his very obvious need for acceptance and affection, and you hated yourself for it. 

"I...well, maybe..." he rubbed the back of his neck, you saw the logical side of him fighting with his emotional side, trying to remind him that 'soulmates' or 'connections' didn't actually exist. And you watched it lose, as a beautiful smile crawled across his lips.

"Maybe you're right," He now took both your hands, and looked deep into your eyes. Right then you could see every little bit of trauma, hurt, anguish, wanting, all being pushed down by the growing look of hope, and security. And suddenly, you couldn't do it anymore.

"No, I'm not," you dropped his hands, unable to look at him anymore.

"Wh-What? Seriously?" He shook his head in utter disbelief, trying to figure out how the hell you were so hot and cold from one second to the next.

"Look just, take this," You scribbled on a check and handed it to him. "Go pay at the register, and get out of here. And don't come back,"

"What the fu-- are you on something?" he stared at the check, then you, then the sky like he was looking for answers.

"Look, I'm--I'm begging you, Rafael. Walk out of here RIGHT NOW, before Arianna comes out here," you almost whispered, praying she wasn't listening.

"....Why do you not want--"

"Just, forget it. Please, go. PLEASE," Your voice was shaking, tears lined your eyes. You had literally never been this unhinged emotionally in front of someone other than Arianna before, EVER.

"I..." Rafael was clearly shocked and disturbed by what was unfolding, but he didn't want to see you like this. You could see him backing off because he pitied you, he felt sorry for whatever inner turmoil was happening with you, even if he didn't understand it. He put his hands up and walked to the register, pay and give you one last sad look before disappearing into the night.

You felt your legs shaking, your heart beating outside of your chest. You had NEVER let Arianna down before, ever. You had never just...broken, like that. Lying was your LIFE. You barely had a moment to process what just happened before Arianna came storming out from the kitchen.

"What the HELL, Y/N? Where did he go?!"

"H-He caught on, Ari," you looked at the ground, terrified to meet her eyes.

"HOW is that possible, you never--"

You jumped over her words immediately, defensively yelling at her:

"I DON'T KNOW, okay?! He--He came from the bathroom all freaked the fuck out because he had literally never told ANYONE about his dad, and then he-- he accused me of DOING something to him! Like I was a witch or something!" Well, you weren't lying. Not like she could've been able to tell, like she said she didn't have your skills. 

"He wouldn't let me say ANYTHING. He just grabbed his check and stormed out of here! I didn't have TIME to work him over, okay? I'm sorry. I failed you," The tears around your eyes now dripped down your cheeks, little did Ari know they weren't for her. 

"Aw...honey," Arianna's anger vanished, you knew she couldn't stand to see you cry. She wrapped her arms around you and coddled you like a mom to a toddler.

"I know, you tried your best. And I know it must've been hard, giving up your abogado like that," she stroked your hair. 

"You'd just better pray we find another benefactor, FAST" her strokes turned into her acrylic nails running down your face, mildly aggressively. You looked into her eyes, she knew something had happened. She didn't know what and she would never accuse you, but you knew she knew. She always knew.

"I'm on it," You quickly tried to get away from her. "I promise,"

------

The night wrapped up pretty routinely, and the evening went about the same. The next day, you and Ari were walking up the subway towards Fazzoli's when you saw him-- Rafael was waiting, discreetly. Well, discreetly to him anyway.

"I uh-- You know what I forgot to make change before we left, I'm gonna hit the bodega real quick. I'll meet you inside, okay?" You quickly moved in front of Arianna as you talked, praying to God she hadn't noticed him. Luckily, she was thoroughly engrossed in a game of CANDY CRUSH.

"Mmmkay," She nodded and waved you off, not looking up from her phone.

As soon as she was inside, you walked straight up to Rafael and pulled him around the corner into an alleyway.

"What did I say?!" You hissed.

"Well first of all, this is my favorite restaurant, and I was here first, so you're not gonna 'ban' me from eating here," he stated. "And second, you need to tell me what happened last night,"

"No I don't have to tell you anything," you scoffed.

"But you want to,"

"HOW do you know that? You don't know that," you crossed your arms and rolled your eyes, signaling him to back off.

"Then what was that insane Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde act? One second you're batting your eyes at me and the next you're literally throwing me out! Are you nuts?"

"YES. Yes, I am unhinged and a psychopath, Rafael. Clearly. So you need to--to stay away from me," You huffed and turned to leave, but he grabbed your arm.

"I was right last night, wasn't I? That's why you freaked out,"

"...What are you talking about?" You stopped and turned slowly to face him again.

"You're not the only one who can google," he pulled out his phone and began reading an article he had found.

"...Behavioral scientists are hesitant to teach micro-expression reading to the masses, as it can be used for nefarious purposes,"

Your face fell-- You were right, he WAS too smart for you.

"People with these skills can easily manipulate any sort of information out of anyone, if trained properly," He continued, looking you straight in the eyes.

"I...Um.." Jesus Christ this had never happened to you before-- you literally COULD NOT lie to him.

"YES, okay? Yes, I manipulated you last night, are you happy?" You threw your arms up, starting to walk away again.

"No, I'm not! I wanna know why," He jumped in front of you preventing you from leaving the alley.

"Why? You wanna know-- does it matter?" You tried moving past him, but he wasn't budging.

"YES, it matters! For fuck's sake Y/N you-- you had me thinking-- I..." He trailed off, you saw the pain in his eyes. He had actually started to fall for you, and you had crushed him.

"Because it's what we do, okay?" You sighed. "It's not personal,"

"NOT personal? What 'we' do? What, you and Arianna?" he narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah, but you don't understand ok? We, we lived in our CAR, Rafael. We didn't eat for WEEKS at a time, we started going through garbage like actual rats,"

"And then I found this book, and I studied it, and I just tried it ONCE--Just for a meal," you looked up, trying not to get emotional.

"And Arianna latched on to it. HARD," you looked everywhere but Rafael's eyes.

"She--She grabbed anything she could with information on micro-expressions, she quizzed me, she coached me-- she helped me," Finally, you let yourself look at him.

"So you could help her," he looked at you seriously.

"So I could help US," you argued.

"In six months we had enough money for a nice little studio apartment in the Bronx and a full refrigerator!" you heard yourself defending you and Arianna's life together, but saying it out loud you didn't know how much you believed it yourself anymore.

"...And what exactly do you do," His words made you shift uncomfortably on your heels.

"Y/N....." ," He lowered his voice, emphasizing his seriousness.

"I...we...Arianna picks a target, someone who's in the public eye and has money. and I...sweet talk them," you glared holes into the ground.

"...And then I get something out of them, something they don't want the public to know, that they don't want ANYONE to know," You could literally feel how these people must have felt because this was the last thing that you ever wanted Rafael to know, for anyone to know.

"...And she finds out more information about it and--"

"And shakes them down," He finished your sentence, you could hear the disgust in his mouth.

"Look I'm sorry, okay?" Your voice shook a bit.

"I know you are," He stepped closer to you.

"....Okay? Just like that? You're just gonna believe a professional liar?" you half laughed, rolling your eyes.

"Yeah, because if you really wanted to-- you wouldn't have kicked me out last night," a very small micro smile came across.

"I--Yeah, well um-- I...I couldn't," you bit your lip.

"Which makes me think you don't ever really like doing it at all, do you?" he looked at you with knowing eyes.

You shifted uncomfortably, not willing to verbally agree.

"So why do you let Arianna manipulate YOU?"

"Because she's all I have, Rafael!" You cried.

"She's literally the only person I have. It's been me and her against the world since high school, I can't...I can't just, abandon her! I can't let us starve,"

"You have honest jobs now, do you not?"

"Yeah I know, that's why I was pissed she asked me to do you-- I mean, use you," you bit your lip over your Freudian slip. 

"She KNEW I was in love with you, and she just--" you stopped talking, noticing a smirk spreading across his face.

"I'm sorry, what?" He asked you with a shocked expression. You looked at him in confusion, then realized you had just spoken without thinking.

"I--It's a figure of speech. Like, "oh my god I'm so in love with Justin Beiber I could just die","

"...Don't like being compared to the Beebz like that but okay," he chuckled.

"Just...shut up. She knew I LIKED you, and she-- she just-- PERVERTED it," you spit out the words, your anger bubbling up. You knew from the moment he caught you sniffing his glass that you and him had something pure, and she just made it into something dirty, something evil.

"So...what EXACTLY happened, last night Y/N?" He stepped even closer, lowering his voice but his tone was soft not serious.

"I...You...You came in, and--everything was fine. It was just me, and-- and you, and we were--" You waved your hands, trying to be casual about it, but he grabbed them and made you look directly at him.

"...It was real," you whispered.

"And THEN, Arianna started telling me that I needed something out of you," your face went red again. "That-- that she hadn't 'planned' on using you, or me, but when she found out you were the ADA she just-- snapped," you went on again, feeling your anger rise again.

"She thought that she could use my actual feelings for you to get what she wanted, and I played along," you folded your arms, ashamed of yourself. You looked away, but Rafael's hand cupped your chin and turned you back to him.

"...But you didn't,"

"I COULDN'T," you could barely speak, tears choked your throat. Suddenly, feeling very uncomfortable having any kind of kindness being shown to you right now, you once again backed away from Rafael and paced around the alleyway.

"I...you don't get it. Lying is my THING. And--And usually okay maybe I have moral qualms about seducing dudes and exploiting them but I get over it, and I do it anyway!" You shook your hands into the air.

"B-B-But you, with you--your stupid eyes, god dammit those eyes!" you paced faster, shaking your head. Those fucking eyes.

"These eyes?" He pointed to his eyes, a very small smirk on his face.

"This isn't funny, okay? You--You made me betray my BEST friend," you stopped and stared into those eyes.

"With my eyes," he couldn't stop a smile.

"YES! I-I gave you that sappy load of bullshit about us having a 'connection', because I knew that was exactly what you wanted, what you   ," you looked away in shame.

"Wow..." Rafael shifted uncomfortably, you did know what you were doing.

"A-And you just, you ate it up! YOU, the most level headed, narcissistic, pessimistic lawyer, you just-- believed me," you almost laughed, the thought was actually unbelievable.

"And you were so happy," you added sadly, feeling the guilt rise in your gut.

"...And I think I started to believe it myself. And then I just...I couldn't--" You walked back up to him, this time taking his face in your hands.

"With everyone else I am a shark, but with you I just felt...helpless," you pressed your forehead to his for a brief moment, an intimate moment to say goodbye.

"So I sent you away. And I told you to stay away!" You literally pushed him away, gesturing out of the alley way.

"Why send me away though?"

"Because Arianna will KNOW now,"

"So? Let her know," he scoffed.

"NO," You stepped back into his face, trying to show him how serious you were.

"She's given up on you, because I told her you figured us out,"

"And she bought that?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Well not figured figured out, just that you knew something wasn't right and we couldn't risk going to prison or something,"

"But if she knows that I just...let you go, she'll start digging on her own," your eyes grew wide with fear for him.

"And she will dig until she finds something. Something other than 'daddy issues'," you rolled your eyes.

"...And you think she'll find something?" he asked.

".... You're really telling me you don't have ANY skeletons in your closet, counselor?" now you raised an eyebrow.

"...I'm not leaving you alone with her," he took your hands again.

"Oh come on, I told you. She's my PERSON, she's not gonna hurt me. I don't need protection from her," you rolled your eyes, the thought of being afraid of Arianna was ridiculous. Kind of.

"That doesn't mean I won't fight for you," he touched your face.

"Raf please--" you pleaded once more.

"Give me your phone," he ordered, and you obliged.

"Wha--Okay..."

He took it and programmed his number into it, then handed it back to you.

"Arianna is NOT the only person you have now," he took your hand and kissed the back of your knuckles, before winking and walking away.

...What just happened?

[god-hunter]

I feel very stupid...

I have to get this out now, because if I don’t, the feelings will be bottled up forever, with nowhere to go, and I’ll end up taking micro aggressions out in my future interactions wherever I go.

There’s this girl at work who used to be the hot quiet girl that talked to nobody, but was all over her social media.  Eventually we befriended each other.  In her shy way, we kept it to Facebook and barely talked.  But as she would always post funny memes and a random thought about how work sucked, of course I would like them or “love” them, here and there.

We eventually got to talking, but it was very minimal.  I had invited her to join my friend group on breaks, and she politely gave a maybe (which was probably really a no) and I left her with a “you’re always welcome to join us.”

Flash forward to 6 months later, she finally was comfortable enough to finally come out and join us.  Our Break Group had new life as we got to know her, and soon enough she’d be joining us for Happy Hours and stuff.

We all talk to each other, but soon enough an interesting bond formed between us.  I don’t know how...  But she invited me out to a Haunted House thing and no one else could come out, not even my Girlfriend!  But, I third-wheeled it with her and her Boyfriend.  And somehow, it wasn’t as awkward as you’d think.

Flash forward a little later, her and her boyfriend joined the group for drinks again.  I definitely saw some controlling issues happening in their communication at the table.  (In the car during the Haunted House thing too).  But I left it alone, since it wasn’t my place to talk about her BF like that.

Yet.

Another month or so later, she’d brought up drinking in Patchogue over the weekend.  She mentioned that she wanted to do this with the whole group before, and I expressed interest when no one else really did, and everyone else kinda had plans.  But this time it happened to be her Boyfriend’s Birthday, and I was loosely invited to join them.

At that point I had band practice, but I told her to keep me informed. After band practice, I had to hit her up and ask what was going on, and of course, she told me they were leaving soon... but at least she got back to me at all.

Then that night, she was drunk and vented to me about how her night out sucked.  And that she really wanted to be single sometimes!

I couldn’t believe it, but I was there for her.  Told her I understood completely.  And then we left it alone.

By this point, I had established in my mind that we were definitely friends. But now I cared about this girl.  I thought about her wellbeing.  

But I just rode the wave of friendship.

It’s been a while since a drinking thing happened.  She said to the group that she wants to go crazy soon.  She wants to get “Fucked Up!”  And she had also confided in me Again about how her and her Boyfriend weren’t doing well at all, and in fact, she was considering ending it eventually.

Now...  This news came as a shock, but also a bit of a fear.  Because I’m not gonna lie to you.  This girl is very hot.  But also.. we like each other’s company.  It got to the point where at break, we practically break into our own side conversations all the time.  Not always...  but often enough.

We have each other’s numbers.  Texting happens.

But lately it’s been all about putting a hang out together.  She mentioned wanting to get “Fucked Up” and somehow Bowling became an idea between the 2 of us.  This became Our Plan, that we’d present to the group.

And here’s where I start to feel stupid.

As an aside - on Friday’s I always have my own after-work obligations where I visit my parents and teach some private music lessons while I’m in the area.  Then I come home late on a Friday, spend some time with the lady, and go to bed tired.

The work friends talk about how their night starts at 10 usually anyway, but... so far I haven’t seen that.  Things never linked up before.

So this time I made a Sacrifice!  3 weeks in advance!!!

I told my Students, “No lessons on 2/7!” We told the Co-workers about going Bowling on 2/7 waaaaay ahead of time, and they seemed down for the idea.

I looked up locations, places with good food, either nearby or within the facility..  And even bars to go afterwards if we wanted.  But no one budged in our little texting group chat.

This girl and I would talk about it here and there.  She was definitely down, no matter what.

Well, this week, Bowling quickly turned into Pool when another friend suggested alternative plans.  In my mind, I kinda cemented this one particular Bowling Alley, and now everything was thrown off.  We’d be in a different town, who knows if this place had food.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

I brought all this up in the chat, which caused it’s own drama between me and someone else, who wasn’t even joining us, but in the end, a 3rd Waaaaay Better option was brought up by the Girl!

“Let’s go to Patchogue!”

FINALLY!  

I was gonna get to see what the whole deal was!  We were gonna get trashed, and barhop at these clubby kind of places that lend themselves to dancing and grinding.  Who the fuck knows.

She mentioned pre-gaming at her place.  She talked a big game of crashing at her place if I wanted, [which I thought was insane!] and that would probably never happen.  I wouldn’t let myself get that bad.

But I don’t lie.  Ideas were set in place now.

Chilling at the girl’s place, beforehand.  And maybe even afterwards.  Probably not, but ya never know...

Then, yesterday at work, she left early during lunch.  She texted me heart eyes and said that she was leaving early.

I was like, “Whaat the Fuuuuuck?”

She went silent all day, and then this morning she texted me saying that she was really sick and that it probably wasn’t happening.

All day I was getting texts of , “I’m feeling better, but still uneasy” and then we’d talk and she was saying she was better, but she’d see.  I really tried not to push the issue.  I know she wasn’t feeling well.

At the end of the day, she mentioned that she told our other friend that she might meet up later.

But then on text, when it was kind of go-time, she told me, “I already told him I’m not gonna come through.”

To which I had enough, and was just like, “Thanks for keeping me in the loop”

I didn’t want to fight, but I had to express some form of disappointment.  Because, what the Fuck man, we Planned this!

And I just stressed to her to be real with me.  Let me know it’s not happening straight up and I’ll go with it.  But this back-and forth wishy washy maybe, maybe not thing is only hurtful and unfair to both of us.

I didn’t use those words.  I was way smoother.  But still, I got the point across.

...  And literally as I was writing this up, plans have changed AGAIN!  It’s BACK ON.  She even CALLED me for the first time.

I expressed the only thing I couldn’t say on text.  And I didn’t want to overtext. I told her that.  “I’ll never give you shit for feeling sick.”

And I told her, don’t feel this weird social obligation to come out just because you feel bad and the others want you to come out.  I want you to do you and feel good about whatever it is, because it’s what you need.”

But she was all, “I have all weekend to recover and we never go out so...  It’s all good.  So you wanna go?”

That happened about 3 times.  So...  It’s on.  I asked if she was sure, twice.

a 3-way call even happened to cement the plan.  I’m gonna meet them at wherever once I get the address.

I still think it’s gonna be a very different night, because she’s somewhat under the weather?  But good enough to hang??

But isn’t that always the reality of things.  You pump something up so much, that once you get to the actual destination, you find yourself way less excited?

Who knows.  I’m looking forward to tonight, but Man, this vent rant really turned around.  I’m both excited and concerned for her health now.

But we’re all going out.  And it’s gonna feel a little date-ish, being that the other 2 co-workers we’re going with are... secretly together, but haven’t told everyone flat out yet??  So, this’ll be an interesting vibe.

When the girl I’m talking about wasn’t in, I Really didn’t want to be a 3rd wheel.

But now that’s not the case!

I... have zero expectations for tonight, except to have a good time. Which is exactly what I told myself last night, before this entire day occurred.

So now I’m defaulting to that mode and I guess I’m gonna get ready.

Now I just hope that anything that was said to any party hasn’t made things awkward between anyone.  But probably not.

It’s gonna be a cool night out.  I hope.

I guess I don’t feel stupid after all!