#i feel like im experiencing a moment that should only exist in media of some kind

[miiilowo]

something exceptionally pleasant and weird feeling about my mom faintly playing men at work through a speaker at the foot of my bed at nearly 2 am

[residentevilbunni]

idc if i am dramatic. my blog was there for me every single day for six years. i dont have a real life, i dont have any friends, nobody knows me or even who i am or my name. for the first time ever in my life i felt belonging. idc if i am crazy, but i've had nothing and no one for so long, my blog became my best friend. it was there though several heartbreaks. it was there for me during the first worst period of my life, when everything crashed and i broke. it was there when i went through all my rough phases, it was there to catch me and hold me. it was there to listen to me completely judgement free. it was there when i stopped having contact with my father. it was there when my friends left. it was there through all of my health chrises. when i received no help from the health care system, when i was dismissed and ignored and mistreated. when my sisters stopped talking to me. after every traumatic and scary and uncomfortable moment. no matter what it was there to listen to me. i was never alone because i had my blog. my blog i could pour everything into. idc if it is unhealthy because it was all i had. idc if that is chronically online because i dont wanna live in the real world, it is too dangerous and here im safe. idc if none of it is real bc i dont care for reality. and not only the blog itself, but honestly there was the place people were nice to me. irl i have been bullied and discarded and hurt and abused, but people were nice to me?????? that was the first place i've ever experienced that.

idc if im autistic, no other blog feels the same. it just doesnt feel the same. every day for six years that blog was my anchor. it grounded me. it was the sole reason i wasnt so alone i ended it all. when i was sad, i told it. when i felt the urge to show someone all my stupid fucking pics of snails or the sky or whatever, it was always there for me. always. no matter what. i think ppl would think i sound insane but something inside of me is broken, i cannot have real relationships and connections with people. im so far away from everyone. even my mother. and she gave birth to me. im just not fully human, it hurts and i wish i was but im not. i dont talk to ppl, i dont connect, bc im just filling a role so they wont hurt me. my entire existence is just to fawn so others wont hurt me as bad as they could.

i want my blog back bc it is all i had. and the first time i got my blog termed i knew that oh yes i was blogging abt tcc so like i get it. sucks but i get it. this time it was safe for six years, and then just bc i felt upset that some stranger was saying smth hurtful and judged me on one of my vent posts, i got so mad so i told them off. and then half a day later my account got termed for "promoting sh" and idk if it is all my posts abt it i've made or if it was that one fucking picture on that sideblog where i responded to that person, that pic i reblogged from someone else with faint marks. i've seen more and worse on other ppl's blogs. blogs that are still up. why did mine get termed but not everyone elses??? (i dont want that bc im insane and fucked up but i think ppl should post that if they want) but im just so heartbroken bc it is unfair. why is all i had gone?? i once reported a blog w cp and it stayed up for months. mine got termed in less than a day. everything i had gone just bc of one "sh" post. one report.

i cant stop crying. and i just dont care abt anything else. that blog was the first and only time i've felt "home". idc if i sound insane. i am just not like others and i never will be. i was broken and ruined and i just am this way. i cant connect. i dont have anything else. and now its taken from me. i dont feel whole. i feel like the most precious and treasured and beloved piece was stolen from me. theres probably smth very wrong w me for feeling this way for just an account on social media, but, i think it was the only thing i've ever felt truly safe to let myself feel a connection to. and the fact that no matter what happened to me, no matter what other ppl did to me, i would always have my blog to run to... and that i no longer have that is hurting me so much. i think i most likely had some neurodivergent attachment to it bc i just do not feel the same way abt my other social medias. they could delete my instas and pinterests and twitters and i'd be like oh damn that sucks whatever. and i am here crying and typing but i feel removed from this blog. and all my others. it was that blog i felt attached to. and it is gone. just bc i was so fucking stupid and just had to tell someone off. i never will again, i'll let anyone walk on me i'll let anyone violate all my boundaries and i'll never speak up again just pls pls pls pls let me have my account back.

[irishbabyx]

Parts of me last year

unk date --- green lake starbucks

so many faces and bodies that contain unique energies. i still feel that imposter syndrome. who do i think i am? i think i am a good person somehow. i am not hurting anyone or wishing bad luck either. i simply sustain myself.. but on digital media, i presume more life than i actually do. what is success? is it being financial secure? why don’t i have relationships? its like i can’t call or text anyone to hang out with or just be around. is it the energy i give out that people don’t think of or miss me? am i difficult to be around? some days i just want to sit down and not have to talk….. this is why im single lol my expectation is way too high. i expect someone to be perfect when im not and that causes insecurity then i retract. it a vicious cycle i take part in and don’t know how to stop.

i hate being home. ive wasted a couple of years of my life doing nothing. i haven’t really enjoyed myself in washington. i feel like im just violently existing - waiting for someone to notice me and be with me as i heal…

wow - just caught someone’s eyes and that was cute. he was cute - though i am not sure what he is doing here. what’s wrong with me? or what’s right with me? i just want someone to notice me. this guy next to me is .. whatever.

idk if its the caffeine but im having a lot of anxiety. maybe because of daniel. he’s ignoring me. meaning he’s not interested in me anymore. what should i do? just keep cool?

tuesday, march 21st, 2023

at GL starbucks

got back from vegas this morning. spent almost 2 weeks there visiting family, my parents came up as well. helped my sister semi-settle in her new home. so proud of her for coming this far in her life and career. it felt intimidating but i had to pause and tell myself that she also had her own pathway full of treks and obstacles to get her to where she is now. got to know jordan a little bit more, though it was always awkward interactions. he is a family man. he will do everything he can to protect them despite two of the kids not being biologically his. i hope he didn’t feel too overwhelmed us all there - we are all pretty crazy. i also wanted to feel how it would be like living there, so far the only downside is lower income. though now that i think about it, will it matter if i stress about money no matter where i am? the kids are truly little humans now. time is a thief. when it was with kayla, everything was amplified but with more children, everyone’s got a little more chill. not so worried about what goes in the baby’s mouth or if their eating/sleeping schedule is off. we were all just living in the moment. what i did notice, which i want to avoid happening (if that’s even all that possible) is to deter kayla from swallowing derogatory words from my parents and taking it to heart. i know what those exact words did to me as a child and i want her to avoid taking the same steps we have. providing a nurturing, loving, protective home allows them to see the world in a lighter and brighter lens. that no matter the cruel things we see and hear around us, that family should remain golden. i took my family for granted. i made them disposable even though they are the most permanent things from the day i had my first breath.. i wish i had listened to my parents more and read between the lines instead. they showed tough love, but love regardless. had i known they were just new parents experiencing trials and tribulations in a new generation and didn’t also know a damn thing about mental health. their behaviors are hard to unlearn but it feels my duty to protect the next generations from their blinds eyes toward positive child rearing, rather not known. being their aunty mom makes me feel more confident in becoming a mom truly. i aspire to be like my sister who possesses patience day by day. she always kept grounded.

the downside of the trip was the the deep, slow hum of loneliness. i want to experience life with someone. highs and lows. someone to feel and express with. someone i gravitate towards to and look forward to any time of day. i miss that. i miss a partner. that deep ache and longing was present. i met nathaniel, 39 y/o air force pilot. i still can’t wrap my mind around our interactions. i was late 30 mins and made a fuss about it. he noticed everything i said and also had an answer to everything. i didn’t think he’d invite me back to his apartment. that was also strange. idk what he thinks of our age difference - i don’t think he does but he wants someone who is more mature than i. the thing about me is that i don’t know how to express my thoughts into words, let alone formulate a sentence that actually has context. it doesn’t make sense to me. i have lost touch with meaningful conversations. anyway, he’s hot and buff and god damn i choked. i haven’t been able to stop feeling giddy, though i know this is only temporary. he is emotionally unavailable and knows it himself.

boundaries and traumas emanating

monday, march 27th, 2023

at GL retreat

so much has happened since i got back from seattle. so much? actually maybe not but something significant happened. lol that guy i mentioned above turned out to be super psycho and downright TOO sensitive and disrespectful. the messages he sent me were very questionable regarding his integrity and character, for someone serving in the military? now that i think about it, that’s almost abuse, no? i don’t know but glad it only lasted that short. i can’t imagine what other shit he would have came up with or deduce. anywho, i hate that i spiral so quickly when i know what’s about to happen. like financially, how am i gonna come up with rent for next month? and also calling out of work because i got too drunk again last night. these decisions are affecting my livelihood and it’s embarrassing to think and write about. tho this is my reality, i never learned through these difficult times in my life. i continue letting it happen as if it one day, everything will miraculously solve themselves. i am proud of how far i’ve come though, especially without a college degree. i was able to make it out in seattle this long and though.

i want better relationships with my family, individually and as a whole. they continue to support me despite showing angst and being disappointing. i never stopped caring about them and vice versa. i’ve just been hiding my vices from them and that’s what ultimately broke our relationship apart. i was always the issue, not them. i am learning as i go and going on that trip to meet them solidified that family is what i need right now. there was this narrative in my childhood and early adulthood that i was a burden to them and that i was some sort of a leech. i have to forgive myself for that because while it is/was true, i didn’t know i was doing it maliciously. well maybe in their perspective it was.

love life? lol why do i keep talking about this. broken record laced with desperation.

you know, mollie says this over and over that there is a chemical imbalance and it’s not me… why is it so hard to admit that myself? that there will always be that throughout my life. most people dip down multiple times in their lives. i can validate my thoughts and emotions, but i can’t always feel sorry/bad about myself and stay in that dip. cheers, irish. take care of yourself because others need you to.

saturday, april 1st, 2023

at GL starbucks

the early months flew by. i feel like this is the case as i get older. it all just.. happens. the earth will remain even without us. we are but a flicker of light. this week was okay. i fell ill after restarting naltrexone. at least i know now that that’s what the medication does to me. i never knew if meds worked for me or not because i always just feel numb.. now i question if the fluoxetine is also working. the only thing i feel like i need to work on is self-esteem. i have a few people in my circle because that side of me is so vulnerable. you can easily use it to tear me down.

something about having a routine though. it feels safe. but when you do the same thing over and over, people think you’re crazy? for example, going to starbucks ordering the same thing and sitting in the same spot..

anyway. idk what came over me last night but david came over. i hurriedly cleaned my room and vacuumed. lolol the shit i do for men that i wouldn’t even do for myself. i was already so drunk but man was i desperate for it. wow idk how long its been but he aged. LOL grew a mustache but overall looks and smells the same. still bad in bed. won’t stay erect and takes FOREVER to cum. i’m convinced he needs medication. he did remember a few things about me tho? my bed? he was wearing converse how cute. he does care about what he wears. i might buy those converses now. i need to forget about him. he obviously doesn’t care about me and just thinks im a quick booty call. maybe i am a sucker for him tho. i may have hurt his ego too much. from his clothes, to his name, how his converse were yellow, how he lasted, it was all sarcasm but maybe that is my toxic red flag. men have much more sensitive ego that we think.

tuesday, april 18th, 2023

at GL retreat

what’s going on with me again? honestly.. i have these waves of motivation. one week i’m at the very tip top. the next, i’m just existing. i need to stop sending messages to people when i’m drunk like LINDA OR DAVID?? OR NELSON?? JESUS irish. you need to stop. that shit is embarrassing and you are jeopardizing your relationships with people and it makes you look bad and pathetic. i really don’t know how to control myself. alcohol is putting me at risk.

monday, may 8th, 2023

at LV house

i feel like i’m drowning above water. just in debt. i don’t know how to manage my money. i don’t know how to ask for help. i don’t know who to ask for help for. what can i do? a financial advisor, but will i get through this feeling of shame? my parents can’t know.. let my alone my siblings. i feel like a failure. it is because i am. they are all successful and here i am struggling. it was nice being around the family, even just for a day. i feel safe with them.

wednesday, june 7th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

what am i feeling? this is a weird sensation. when i want to just talk to someone. or jolt my thoughts down. i’ve gotten too used to being alone that loneliness doesn’t bother me anymore. i feel like i am living in an elderly woman’s body and growing accustomed to independence. however you see that lol. i still feel the need to connect to the outside world and i guess that’s the younger version of me comes in. though i could live alone or isolated, i would still need to know what is going on around me. is this the age i was brought up to? maybe i couldn’t escape that reality.

thursday, june 15th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

qi xuan?? huang? hahaha why do i feel so giddy? is this a new thing? i like that he’s not afraid to be himself. he has a fire in him that i want to ignite in myself.

thursday, june 22nd, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

drunk. me and qi had sex like twice already. sooooo good. its not even the size but the intimacy. feels so comforting. i feel comfortable with him.. just someone i don’t feel like i need to compete with or feel like i need to impress. he’s humble. he’s himself.

sunday, july 16th, 2023

at armistice coffee in roosevelt

woof.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

hi ash! i know you said before that you're not autistic you just did a lot of research to depict chris realistically- do you have any advice for finding resources on writing disabled characters that isn't like... horribly abelist? im writing someone with an intellectual disability from head trauma and who is nonverbal, and i want to get it right but everything online seems very autism-speaks-y. im autistic and semiverbal but i dont have an id and i want to be realistic and respectful.

I cannot speak with any expertise or sense of speaking from enough experience to be taken as an expert here, and defer as always to those with lived experience with intellectual disability!

But I will give a few more general tips for what to do when looking to write a character with a neurological makeup that doesn’t match your own, as far as what has worked for me with Chris:

1. The story should never be ABOUT their lived experience if you do not also have it. Chris’s story is not about autism, or being autistic. I would never presume to try and write a story like that because, whatever my intentions, I don’t have that knowledge that comes from living it. I would at BEST be taking the experiences of others, their voices. At worst, I would be someone standing with a megaphone shouting over those who deserve to be heard.

Making the disability what the plot revolves around is... generally just not going to be a good idea, in any sense. It’s moments like this where I feel like it’s best to defer to the writers who have lived it, instead. 

This is not to say “never write someone different than yourself”, because... I don’t think that’s at all good advice. I think that way lies stunted writers who never push themselves. But it does mean “do not center the story on this thing if you have not experienced it and don’t have that knowledge and understanding”.

2. At the same time, don’t try to be coy or dance around or hide the disability behind purple prose or refuse to acknowledge its reality. Trying to make a disability sound cute, or talk around it instead of speaking it out loud, can be minimizing or shaming in ways that I think it’s easy to miss, if you don’t live with that disability yourself! To me, this touches on one of my hugest pet peeves - characters who are written as having a particular neurodivergence in media, or shown on tv, but they never expressly admit to it or name it. 

I know I hesitated with Chris, more because I didn’t feel comfortable giving him a diagnosis until I understood autism better myself, and I do regret how long it took me to embrace that reality about him. I just thought it better to err on the side of researching before I embraced. But I do feel some guilt about waiting so long when I had readers who were identifying so heavily with him, and I kind of knew, but just didn’t feel comfortable owning it yet.

3. On a related note - disabilities in a story that become melodramatic tragedy or turn the disabled character into a ‘redemption story’ for an abled character. This is so, so prevalent in common media and pop culture and once you recognize it for what it is, it’s so hard to not see it in so many places. Think of how many movies, novels, etc contain a disabled character who exists to teach abled people some virtuous lesson about living life to the fullest or ‘what it really means to be human’ blah blah blah blah blah. Don’t do that. Please. (I mean, I kind of feel like you definitely won’t, but I’m just speaking very generally here). If you find the story going in a direction in which abled people learn something from the disabled person, please think very carefully and critically as to why the story is heading in that direction.

Language alone can also be a problem here - think about the difference between openly describing a character moving around their life with a wheelchair vs. calling them “wheelchair-bound” or “reliant on a cane”, when the cane or wheelchair may actually represent freedom to that person - an aid they need, yes, but one that allows them to live with far more agency than they might have had otherwise. 

To describe them, especially from their own POV, as “wheelchair-bound”, may ring false to disabled people who understand that the wheelchair isn’t a cage, but a tool that allows that individual person to feel less caged by being able to more freely leave home.  

(This varies person to person, just providing an example)

4. Educate. Research. And don’t just do so by asking people with disabilities to tell you their stories. I often express gratitude to the autistic readers, those with ADHD, etc who spoke up about Chris, talked about their own experiences, identified with him, found him very resonating for aspects of their own lives. 

These stories, this information, this sharing of their lives was given freely to me, and I’m fucking amazed and grateful for how welcomed Chris was, and how willing readers were to share about themselves when talking about him.

Their willingness to speak about these things is something I treasure. But I absolutely would never believe that a single person owed me the story of their life to make sure I got Chris right. That was my responsibility, you know? I try to keep in mind the concept of ‘emotional labor’. Asking a disabled person to be your resource is asking them to give, and give, and give of themself. They may want to give you that kind of labor, they may not. But I definitely wouldn’t ask it of anyone without understanding it was something they were happy or felt comfortable giving.

Research, on the other hand, is essential. You mentioned things being “autism speaks-y” when trying to research on your own, and oh god, do I feel you. It sucks that autism speaks is the first thing to pop up when trying to research the lives of autistic people - and in my research, I was lucky to already know AS sucks and write them off and anyone who heavily referenced them as not helpful. I can see how someone might not know that, though, and stumble on them and believe they were a helpful resource for writing autism when they... well. Nope. 

Try to think about the express disability you are writing for this person, and why, and then go research! I looked up “books on autism recommended by autistic people”, and found some invaluable books, yes, but also papers published online, websites, etc! Each of them vetted and looked over and recommended by autistic people, so I knew I was getting information that came from people with those experiences and that understanding. A good example - I picked up a book on the history of diagnosis and treatment of autism in the United States, mentioned it here, and @redwingedwhump recommended a book called Neurotribes... which turned out to be immensely more helpful, spot-on, and provided some really excellent foundational information I wouldn’t have found in the first book at all.

There’s a lot of information out there on Traumatic Brain Injuries and their lasting effects on individuals who receive them, so I would start there. What you’re describing sounds like a TBI with lasting effects! So I would start your research there, and also look up being nonverbal separately, as well as combining the two. Make sure you’re not just looking at the top links - often paid ads or problematic organizations that are able to pay more for better exposure - but also scanning for blogs, nonprofits, lived-experiences stories, too.

I found a lot of information on the second or even third page of results i would never have seen if I only stuck to the first. Remember the algorithm on search engines is usually showing you what other people are clicking on, not necessarily the best source.

5. This is one you the asker already know, but I want to include it for general reasons: do not ‘dumb down’ the thought processes of a nonverbal or semi-verbal person. I see this in fiction surprisingly often, and I think it’s this sense we have as abled people (’we’ just meaning I’m including myself) that being verbal is required to have a highly complex thought process, and it’s... it’s just fucking not. Speech and though are related but not completely wound around each other, and the ability to verbalize is not the same as the ability to think. 

Like I said, I know you know this, asker, but it’s something I see in fiction/media and it drives me up the wall. So I wanted to include it.

6. For the love of God, do not use medical terminology unless you actually know what you’re doing/talking about. Many disabled people or those with serious medical conditions become what amounts to experts on their own diagnoses, because they have to. They have to be experts to receive the care they should be able to rely on. If you constantly fuck up terminology - trust me - it will be noticed, and it will take people out of the story or hurt their ability to suspend disbelief while reading.

There are ways to do medical scenes/conversations with doctors that avoid falling into this problem! I would just be very very careful to heavily research before using any complex terminology.

7. This disabled person does not exist to evoke pity. They are a human - nuanced and multi-layered - living their life, and their story should always, always reflect that. I don’t really have anything else to add to that.

I would love to hear further advice from anyone with anything else to add.

[lovelybrittxo]

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

[fatphrodite]

you’re not an advice blog or anything but i just like the vibe you give off so maybe you’ll understand my problem? i’m a fat girl who feels like i’m not “correctly” fat, you know? like, my face is fat and my hands are chubby and our bodies are similar but you’re just a million times more beautiful than i am. do you ever feel that way, or do you know what i mean? my body just naturally IS this way and i don’t know how to feel better about it.

I wish I could respond to asks like this with something obvious and concise that could fit on a bumper sticker, but I feel compelled to touch on the weird messy tangled super tangential psychology which results in these kind of feelings, maybe in an attempt to help people who feel this way also get to the root causes and deconstruct them. I want to be thorough and wholly understood, and candid about my own experience! but i’ll spare mobile users by putting everything under a cut.

i rarely feel the sensation of seeing someone who looks like me, thinking theyre beautiful, while thinking i am not, anymore, and that has a lot to do with rewiring my brain over the years. instead i see someone who looks like me and I think theyre hot then my brain’s response is “if (theyreHot) {me=Hot;}" BEEP BOOP

I do still sometimes feel “incorrectly” fat because...…. im covered in old stretchmarks, my boobs sag, my belly sags, even my arms sag, im riddled with cellulite, my face is chubby and I have a double chin. the feeling of being “incorrectly” fat is absolutely the result of a definite beauty standard even in spaces that have an alternative ideal to our overall society’s beauty standard. we’ve all been poisoned aight, standards are being reinforced everywhere, like even the actual chunky/fat plus size models, who aren't just straight-sized models with padding, don't have double chins. even though youd be hard pressed to find an average person their size without one. popular plus sized Instagram models have the “acceptable” amount of cellulite, do NOT have fat faces, tend to be the “acceptable” hour glass shape naturally and/or get liposuction to be “idealized plus size” in the body and in the face. so how do you accept your body when youre unconsciously consuming constant reinforcement that it has “flaws” and have consumed that reinforcement for decades?

I think the answer is going to vary from person to person, and for me it varies even moment to moment. There are moments where the only way to cease those thoughts is remembering that this vessel DOES NOT EXIST for visual consumption, it DOES EXIST for piloting me thru Disney world + experiencing the tastiest of foods, and as long as I can do that, nothing else matters. which is you know, objectively true,  but I also do very much have a strong desire to FEEL pretty, to FEEL acceptable, to FIT IN THE BEAUTY STANDARD, because of so many years of being punched down and made to feel inherently ugly/unacceptable. It’s hard to feel pretty and accepted not only because mainstream society sees your body as inherently ugly, but also you simultaneously feel like youre not even ideal in the realm where youre “supposed” to be ideal (such as fat admiration communities). 

So these are the things which continue to help me accept myself, my perceived “flaws”, and feel good about myself -- 

 : focusing on surrounding myself with imagery of beautiful fat people who share the traits that fall outside of the existing plus size beauty standard. I intentionally avoid reblogging too many irl plus sized people with thin faces, super perky rounded fat, smooth hourglass shapes, minimal cellulite, flat tummies, because I don't want to reinforce those toxic ideals for my followers OR my own subconscious. as a side note, I also enjoy makeup and makeup videos and I gravitate towards makeup youtubers with rounder faces and plus sized bodies, like smokey glow and rawbeautykristi, like damn i can be glamorous with a beat face AND have a double chin! it also helps that theyre both entertaining AF to watch and listen to.  

 : involving myself in an FA/fat positive community. whether that's posting pictures of myself or dating or otherwise engaging with people in the community. as ive said before you should not hinge self esteem on other peoples opinions of you, but when you believe you as a whole or some trait you have is inherently ugly or unacceptable, having verifiable proof to the contrary, in the form of other peoples opinions, can aid in rewiring your brain to think more positively about yourself. I personally can assure everytime *I* see a double chin or chubby hands (among several other specific traits) it makes my heart flutter because of the cuteness. no matter what shape, fat distribution, whatever your vessel exists in, there are hundreds and thousands of people who will genuinely, wholeheartedly remind you how lovely it is, and many more out there who look like you who want to be able to see themselves represented as a figure of beauty (if that at all makes sense). Parts of me that were once difficult to accept or I used to overly-criticize have become either things that no longer even cross my mind or things that are specifically viewed as attractive/positive traits because of community involvement. and on that note, straight up I would never date like, a normie, and by that I mean someone who doesn't love fat bodies. special, positive, loving attention towards the parts you've been conditioned to think are wrong or conditioned to be ashamed of, is healing. I could not be with someone who liked/was attracted to me despite my body.

 : therapy. this solution may not apply to you at ALL or you may not realize that it applies to you. it depends on the degree to which you struggle with self image. you might not even know you have something like body dysmorphic disorder (which will cause things like hyperfocus on perceived traits) or you might not realize youre committing self harm (mentally bullying yourself, scrolling through Instagram/social media to torture yourself, starving yourself/overexercise, obsessive mirror checking and self-criticizing, among other behavior). the things ive already said can also aid you in stopping these types of self harm (personal experience: unfollowing/blocking any social media that i used to torture myself, fat positive/FA communities helped me to stop exercising myself to death, wg/eating kinks helped with eating disorders) and i know there are quite a few other people who have healed from doing similar things. 

something specific id like to note about my experience with therapy and the concept of self acceptance. a piece of advice given out by a LOT of fat bloggers to aid self confidence is “fake it til you make it” right. and that's also like, a version of a real thing I learned in real therapy. shutting out negative thoughts and replacing them with a contrary, positive mantra until your brain rewires, until you believe it. its a tool you can use in accepting the parts you struggle to accept, and beyond the neutral implication of that, glorifying them. the human brain has an interesting reaction to repetition. the more you repeat something the more you believe it. whether that's something negative or something positive. its a lesson to keep in mind even if therapy isn't something you want or need. 

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

identity

this one’s tricky. i don’t know how i feel about it. you can’t categorize a person in one box, but it makes things easier when you have labels doesn’t it? is what i’m doing right now permanent enough to be a title? is what i spent my time doing 3 years ago but still keep up with enough to be a title? what counts as enough? 

i started listening to this podcast and honestly its been really interesting. it touched upon the topic of identities, as we know them today, as being a western concept. that statement itself is not hard to come to terms with because the moment you hear it, it clicks - yes. my social learning and unlearning has been done mainly through the internet, which in my case is very largely centered around western ideologies. it’s where i learned how high-schools worked in real life, where i learned sexual health, where i discovered ways of thinking i would have never been exposed to in my day to day life. i’m largely thankful for this, but at some point i realized as well, what i’m learning, i’m learning through the framework of a western mind. that is the standard and it does not budge. 

when i think about who i am i can list a couple of things: pakistani, muslim, introvert, really into picturesque things, passionate, private, shy, idealistic, adventurous, vain, insecure, proud, kinda all of it and more. maybe this will change as i grow but maybe it won’t, i don’t know and i don’t think i can ever know. is it really necessary for me to put a title on things because aren’t i fine with the way things are wouldn’t i be doing it for the convenience of others? is it wrong for me to say fuck others when i occupy the same spaces as them? is it my duty to do more? to be more? to define myself?

this may sound a little pretentious to me when i read it again later but i think i just need to start talking to myself to really get to know who i am. who you are isn’t just what you like, it’s also how you react to things, what you’re afraid of, how you interact with the world around you. lemme really think about it, what do i like? i like to watch things, tv shows, movies, foreign films, k-dramas, anime, action movies, documentaries, i don’t think there’s any form of visual media i don’t enjoy consuming and i know i have a problem with being fixated on something very intensely for a little while and then completely forgetting about it. I also love drawing. its something i spend a lot more time on recently but its good to see something real come out of my hands. i think i am a little too into the picturesque things in life. this is a term i learned recently from a book i’ve only read a chapter of and already feel like dropping, and basically the character was also into the picturesque. he was into the visual aesthetic, the beautiful things in life that he over-romanticizes. i feel like i do that too sometimes, or i guess most times because i find myself thinking and viewing my life as a movie, and thinking of the beautiful shots i’d include in the b-roll, or the tender moments as being part of a pivotal scene. maybe that’s detrimental to the actual experience of living but hey, there’s no rules on how to live my life, if this is how younger me decides is a good way to exist then who am i to say no to her? i think i live a very boring and mundane life, like the character in the book does. maybe i should stop comparing myself to him considering he literally commits a murder later on. 

i think there are things i could be doing, things i fantasize about me possibly experiencing, things i’ve hear about, things i’ve seen on tv that i could also live, but i don’t think i’ll have the balls to do. maybe it’s a good thing because almost all of them seem like things i’ve been taught against, but it’s lowkey robbing me of my agency in life and what the hell. am i stopping myself from being happy? why would i do that? why would anyone do that? is it because im too shy? to scared? of what though? the repercussions? who would really school me? my parents already have 2 children who live their lives the way they choose to, so why am i different? do i think i somehow don’t deserve that? do i think that i’m better than them? sometimes i just want sarah to shut the fuck up and go live a little, to be out there a little more, to be the person she wants to be, but i always back off, why the hell do i do that? why do i kid myself and say that i’m being a good person by not doing anything, because am i really? i’m just a 19 year old who doesn’t think she has even started living. i see myself as the one in the bleachers, kind dissatisfied with the fact that the racer on the track isn’t there yet, but i’m her, i’m the one that’s meant to be on the starting line, but i don’t see myself even going down the stairs towards the track anytime soon. honestly this sounds sad as fuck, im not even a participant in my own life but when talking to others why do i inflate myself to the point where i make myself believe i’ve actually accomplished something in my life, cause clearly i have not. 

this is making me motivated again, nothing like a good old self deprecation to make yourself feel alive again. i want to do things, i do have plans, i want to see things, and i am going to do it. i need more friends though like i know i can do this shit alone but it just feels shitty and i haven’t gotten comfortable enough with myself to do anything more. as much as i can say that i don’t need anyone, it does help when someone’s there enabling your behavior, or maybe i can even call is “supporting” :O maybe hehe. ok then make better friends, go talk to that pretty girl in class, go say hi and talk about the prof, go be the one to compliment someone, go be approachable, its not impossible, so go do it. also get better style.

this definitely spiraled into something it didn’t start out from and i can talk a billion more things about it but i think this is just how i think, so how i think is going to be how i write. 

its a warm tuesday june morning, i drank some chai and ate some noodles, i was on my phone for way too long, and i’ve been up all night. 

[chimswae]

Chapter 13

Foreword:

Some stories are better left unsaid.I couldn’t change anything for the world, although the fame part of this industry is tough to handle.Do i have a life? Yes I have my fans.Do i have friends? Yes the members that I cherish. Do i have love? No I have to let go.Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow. But do i have any tomorrow?

Pairing: Jimin x OC (Other characters: BTS, OCs, Lee Taehwan)

Genre: Idolau, Fluff, Romance

Word Count: 3,680

Author Note: I crosspost this story from my Asianfanfic account. Mind you, clicheness OVERLOADS

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

Chapter 13:  Infinite gratitude, infinite hope

“Why didn’t you tell me about this girl existence and that you have a son with her Jimin?”

 “I…am..”

 “ANSWER ME PARK JIMIN!” his loud voice echoed throughout the hallway shaking the building. They had never seen Bang Pd this furious, and even worse he never yelled at them like how he did to Jimin at the moment.

 Others shrunk in their seat afraid to meet Bang Pd fiery eyes, this was not all about Jimin keeping the truth from him but the members were at fault too. They knew about it but chose to keep it to themselves. With that they were ready to face Bang Pd’s wrath at all cost.

 “I…don’t know what to do. I thought I can handle it as long as I don’t get caught” Jimin hung his head low too timid to face the older man angry face.

 “You think you can handle it but you don’t. So much to celebrate your Billboard winning, the press out there are finding the perfect moment to drag you all down. It is so happen you just won your first global award and they release your dating scandal to public” Bang Pd frowned in his seat, rubbing his temple.

Namjoon stepped in trying to ease the dreary atmosphere in the room, and as a leader he had to say something to protect his members, “Bang Pd, don’t blame Jimin. He just found about his long lost son few months ago. If I were in his shoes, i would do the same. His utmost priority is to protect the girl and her son from medias. He tried his best to keep it low” he squished Jimin’s shoulder.

 The members understood the pain that Jimin experienced, along with his insecurity and fear. All he ever wanted to protect his family. It turned out irresponsible human out there decided to invade his privacy and made fun of his life to gain money and fame.

 “And you all knew about this from start?” he slammed his desk while eyeing each of the members.

 “Y..ess.. Bang Pd.. we knew” Namjoon muttered.

 He yelled “I CANT BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE BEHIND THIS TOO!This is a serious matter, do you think im a joke?” everyone flinched. No one dared to speak, it was not a good time to defend themselves it would make things went from bad to worst.

 Glaring at Jimin, Bang Pd hissed under his breath “To protect the girl and that kid, and hurting Bangtan in the end? Are you even sure he is your real son?She could be after your money, why did she appear after five years hiding? ” his question triggered the anger in him.

 He had so much respect for Bang Pd and he was well aware the older man was mad so everything that came out from his mouth should be ignored. However, Jimin was offended mainly because he hated people insulting his girl. And, it seemed like they were trying to find someone to take the fall by cornering Yeoul.

 “Dont disrespect her, she is the mother of my son. And I trust her with all my heart, if you were to find someone to blame, I am here. I am ready to take the full responsibility “ he clenched his fist holding back his anger.

 “And what is exactly your plan?” he let out a sarcastic laugh and kept his poker face which sent chill down their spine.

 Jimin raked fingers in his hair, exhaling heavy sigh “I will tell them the truth, that is the only way to stop the medias from spreading malicious rumor”

“You do know this will affect your career right, you might lose your fans. Most importantly, things might just get ugly” Bang PD shook his head.

 “I know, that is the risk that I am willing to take. I cant afford watching my family living in fear, they invaded her homes, hurting my child and Yeoul. I will protect them no matter what because..I am the father of this child, that is my responsibility ” he croaked, fiddling with his fingers.

 The room was dead silent as no one dared to speak, Bang PD whom seemed in deep thought finally broke the silence “We will do damage control without jeopardizing Bangtan and your family” his lips were pressed into thin line.

 He continued “I have nothing against any of you being in a relationship, because that is the freedom that the company gives you. I know you dated this girl during your trainee days Jimin, but this isn’t simple since it involves a secret child. Let me meet this girl first, I will get our staffs to fetch her” the boys included Jimin turned their eyes to Bang PD with a glint of surprise.

 “Are…you sure?” Jimin blinked confusedly, so Bang PD nodded while giving him a light pat on his shoulder. That was surprising since few minutes ago the older man was not convinced whether the child is his or not, and now he wanted to meet Yeoul for some kind of confrontation. The members nodded with a small smile encouraging Jimin to take the offer.

 “Can I ask you a favor?I… can you make me go and get her instead of sending the staffs? I mean..I have to check on Minyeol too..” he mumbled timidly.

 He seemed reluctant to let Jimin out in public considering there were many eyes on him from now on “We will see about that and for now get enough rest. It has been a long week for you guys, we will be having a press conference in conjunction with your winning. So be prepared mentally and physically” he assured.

 ----------------

 Peeking through the window, Taehwan scowled lowly “Why cant those people leave” it was indeed annoying to watch press from different companies camped outside Yeoul’s resident. It had been like that ever since the news spread. Not to mention Yeoul and her family had been staying inside the house for three freaking days. Only Taehwan would go in and out from the resident to buy food and most of the time he would stay indoor with them.

 Bighit had not released any official statement pertaining to this matter since they focused on Bangtan’s Billboard press conference. Jimin anxiety might reach his limits by anytime soon, bad sign indeed. Meeting Yeoul and Minyeol, that’s all he asked from Bang Pd and for some reason he was delaying it. How unfortunate.

 It was unmanly for his side to let Yeoul handled the situation alone. He supposed to be there for Yeoul.He couldn’t even get a wink of sleep without worrying about those two and his members, the news really hit him hard. Any communications between him and outside world had been cut off temporarily, just in case irresponsible fans or medias who obtained his phone number illegally tried to reach him.

 A loud buzz from the living room cause Yeoul to jump from her seat, she answered the call in hurry “Jimin?” every single calls that she received these past few days, she really hoped one of it would be Jimin. Leaving her with no news at all after a call from Namjoon few days ago was driving her up the wall. Taehwan tore his gaze to Yeoul as his heart clench in pain, how he wished he could be Jimin.

 “Hey, love.. Are you alright? I am so sorry that I just got to call you now?” upon hearing his voice at the end of the line, her dam broke. Was she supposed to cry? But she worried to death, it just happened this way.

 “Oh my god, Jims I thought something happen to you..” muffling her sob, Jimin could sense she was crying and he grew panic.

 “Yeoul..are you crying? Are you alright? How about Minyeol? The press.. they are still there? Please tell me you are okay…” he bit his lower lips. Jimin was considering to take an emergency flight to Busan right way now. He didn’t give a damn about anything right now.

 Her deep sigh echoed as she tried to calm her racing heart “We all alright, Minyeol is a little scared after the incident. But he is doing well. We are staying indoor, don’t worry. I wont get any near the press. They are doing crazy things outside, and it has been three days” Jimin palmed the wall beside him with a low scowl.

 “Jimin… how are you holding up? I apologize.. This is because of me.. I should be more careful.. I hope this does not affect you and Bangtan.. I feel really bad for tarnishing your image” she continued. Her voice was a mixture of guilt and pain, she hated the idea of jeopardizing Bangtan’s image. These boys worked so hard to reach this far only to be ruined overnight because of her.

 Jimin flinched in disapproval “ Never blame yourself. I am warning you Na Yeoul…” his stern voice silenced her.

 She heard him continue “We are okay, this is not the time to worry about others. You are in a tougher positions with no protections. Bang Pd requests to meet you personally, and I will head to Busan tomorrow after our press conference” her eyes widened in fear. Why would Bang Pd summon her to Seoul?

 “Why.. I mean.. will it be okay for you to be out in public? They are tons of medias and angry fans outside Jims.. this is really bad. You cant come!” her high pitch voice drove Taehwan attention to her as he tilted at her direction curiously.

 She turned pink knowing Taehwan curious eyes penetrated hers, Yeoul mouthed him ‘I am alright, sorry’ he then gave her a soft nod and continued with whatever he was doing. He demanded nothing from Yeoul, because she would eventually tell him everything.

 “What do you mean I am not allowed to meet you? I want to make sure both of you are okay! Besides, there is no turning back, sooner or later they will know about us. So I have nothing to lose, I will come and get you by my own” he frowned.

 One thing about Yeoul, she worried about others more than herself. Sometimes, way too much.

 “But.. Jimin… I am worried…The comments from the public are nasty and I do-” Jimin cut her before she could finish her remaining guilty speech. He knew what she was planning to say, Yeoul being Yeoul.

 “Na Yeoul. Quit being gullible. You cant give in this easily, they are pressuring us because people love to see us crumble apart. And I am not going to let anyone hurt you and Minyeol” his voice was low but enough to reach the deepest core in her heart.

 Only Jimin.. Only Park Jimin.

 “Dont read comments from the internet. Those people are a real coward, hiding behind the screen to torment us. Never let their words get you alright? Wait till I come, do not do anything foolish. I will make things right for us” she touched her beating heart with a small smile. At time like this, he still had this magic which could swoon her over the moon.

 “You too.. Please don’t get hurt. Don’t worry about me and Minyeol. Taehwan is here to watch after us for the time being. Let me know if you reach here tomorrow” she mumbled softly.

 Jimin finally broke into a genuine smile “Is he playing a bodyguard now? Glad he is there to watch after you two. I’ll let you know, got to go now. Seokjin hyung will be furious if he finds out I am using his phone. Love you, baby” he whispered hoarsely.

 I hate you Park Jimin for having this spell on me, she groaned in her head.

 Listening to Yeoul sweet chuckle put his heart at ease at least, “Love you too, Jims..” she puffed her cheeks, trying not to blush but she failed. A phone call with Jimin even for awhile was enough to get her mind back right on track unlike before.

 Taehwan chewed his lips to surpass any sound coming out from his mouth ‘Stop being jealous Taehwan…she loves him’ he clutched his fist, clearing his throat awkwardly.

 Taking a deep breath, he finally found courage to inquire Yeoul “Was it Jimin? What did he say?” he avoided any eye contact with Yeoul at all cost this time. Or she could see his burning eyes and heart. Jealousy slowly took over his mind and emotions.

 Sunk beside Taehwan with a relief sigh “He said he’s doing okay. And, Bang Pd wants to see me so Jimin is coming to get me to Seoul as soon as possible” her fingers fidgeted the hem of her dress.

 Raising his brows in confusion “Who is Bang Pd? Is it safe to go out in public? Both of you being seen together?” he disliked the idea of course, whose brilliant idea was this after all.

 “He is their boss. I don’t know what he is planning to do just yet. This thing with the medias outside it cant be undone. If we lie, they still throw shade at us. I am following the flow as long as it does not hurt Jimin, Minyeol and Bangtan” she glanced at Taehwan hard face. He seemed to be holding his anger or jealousy, something along the line.

 She reached out to his hand, holding it tight “I know this is insane Tae. You are important in my life, I need your support. I hope you are with me and respect my choice” he pondered about it whenever he had free time. As much as he wanted to deny it, this bound to happen. The truth prevailed in the end.

 “Yeoul..” instead of squishing her hand, he enveloped her into a warm hug “ I am with you until the end, no matter what you do..Just remember that” he whispered.

 Touche by his patience and kindness, she unknowingly cried in his shoulder “Thank you Tae.. for being here with me now and then..I am sorry that I only know how to break your heart instead of mending it” he squished Yeoul close.

 “Foolish girl. Your happiness is my happiness. Do not feel bad for me, that makes me feel ugly” he joked. He knew the joke was very unfunny but Yeoul laughed softly at his silliness anyways. Taehwan randomness was one of his charms, so no complains.

 Cupping her cheeks, he stroked his tears away “You are strong. You can face this, trust me” with that he planted a soft smooch on her forehead.

 Faith and hope are not a mere word. When there is hope, there is faith. When there is faith, miracles happen.

 ---------------

 BTS’s Billboard Press Conference

 “Remember to calmly answer questions from the floor. Any questions being forwarded to you guys will be filtered by the MCs so don’t worry”

 “And don’t answer questions that is not related to you experience in Billboard Award. Do you understand?” their manager reminded them before walking out to meet the press. They were ready with any possibilities today following the Jimin incident, so things might just get out of hand at some point.

 The boys nodded while having getting final touch up of their makeups. Jimin decided to take part in this press conference even though he was given choice to not attend the event. He had no reason to hide and shouldn’t he be professional? This press conference was supposed to highlight their success, so be it. The scandal had nothing to do with this.

 Others were worried of him but they admired his persistence to join this conference despite all the shits being thrown to him right now. Jimin mental condition was made of hard rock. Frankly speaking, this was not the first scandal that they faced back then they were others major scandals that’s as worse as this one. They got through it though it took time. Bangtan managed to face it and still survived the tornado. Their strong brotherhood bonds is the utmost strength and of course overwhelming loves from Armys.

 “We can do this” Namjoon smiled as all of them gathered in circle and did their usual group chant before walking up the stage. Flashes of camera and faint mumble from the audiences died down as soon Bangtan made their way to the stage with style. They politely greeted audience before them and took their respective seat.

 As the MC did his part to introduce the group and the main agenda of today’s press conference, they proceeded with Q&A sessions. The first 20 minutes went smoothly as the members took turn to answer questions and shared their thoughts and experiences during BBMAs award. There was no sign of medias trying to bring up the scandal occurred in that particular week.

 Jimin finally got to breathe normally, he could feel his stomach churned in fear. He was very wary with his surrounding, since he expected at least one question relating to the scandal.

 “Yes, the one at the back” the MCs announced.

 The man arose from his seat and started to ask question “Hi, I am Jaye Kim from The News Daily. My question is open to any members of BTS. My question, BTS comeback in the second half of 2017 will there be a slight change in the group after the major scandal?” the audience murmurs as Jimin face hardened at the question from the man earlier.

 He knew, everyone knew what he meant by major change.

 Namjoon immediately answered him with a polite smile nevertheless “I believe Bangtan will continue just as we are. Our major change.. I can say that our music concept will be different this time. I hope it will be stronger than ever” he chuckled to ease the awkwardness. Jimin glanced at Namjoon giving him a thankful look and he nodded with a genuine smile.

 As the MC thanked the reporter from The News Daily, he then opened the floor for next question.

 A woman in her thirties stood up, taking the microphones “I am Shin Nayoung from MSC News, I would like to address an important question to Park Jimin-ssi relating to the scandal broke earlier this week. Is it true the woman in the footage is your secret lover?” her confident smile was pure evil. Indeed, Shin Nayoung was that kind of reporter who dug up celebrity’s dirt as their article bait and make money from it.

 The tense in the air could be felt by everyone, up until now no one dared to address the issue until this Shin Nayoung woman brought it up. It triggered others’ curiosity as they almost forgotten about the scandal happened this week. Still fresh in mind so everyone was boiling up to get a definite answers.

 Jungkook who sat beside Jimin noticed the change in his expression, he reached out his hand under the table holding onto his hyung hand “We are with you, don’t worry” he whispered lowly. Jimin shot him a small smile as he tried to not make any eye contact with the audience down there, it was suffocating.

 The MC took counter measure before things got heated “I apologize Miss Shin, I believe this conference is strictly for BBMAs related questions. No other issues shall be arose except BTS winning in Las Vegas last week. Please respect their privacy” he smiled.

 This Shin woman did not give up just yet “Oh? When is the company planning to respond to this scandal. I am sure the whole nation is dying to know the truth, don’t you think so Park Jimin-ssi” she darted her gaze to Jimin.

 Yoongi snapped as he tried not to wear off his cool expression “Excuse me Miss, I think the MC made it clear that we don’t take personal question at the moment” he defended Jimin.

 No one messed with Bangtan Sonyeodan, you have to face me. Yoongi cussed in his head.

 “Yoongi-ssi, I believe Jimin-ssi has a mouth to talk” Yoongi let out a low snicker but Jin held him back, signaling him to keep calm.

 Jimin shifted uncomfortably in his seat and bowed politely “ I am sorry, I cant say much. Further information will be released when the time comes. I hope you understand” he met her slightly arrogant gaze who’s burning to get answers from him.

 “You are just avoiding us Park Jimin-ssi. Don’t you agree, we deserves at least a closure?” she smug.

 Thankfully, before things got out of hand their manager stepped in replacing the MC place to sort the problems.

 “Thank you for coming out today. And we are overwhelmed with the support that we get from all of you lads and gents. An official statement pertaining to the incident occurred earlier this week will be announced soon, until then please respect BTS’s privacy. Thank you again” he signaled the members to stand up.

 Bangtan shot up from their seat giving another polite bow and let the press to take few group photos before leaving the stage. Jimin heaved a relief sigh, and he didn’t know a simple press conference exhaust him this much. Not to mention, their manager stepped in just the right time before the bubbled burst due to that Shin Nayoung’s foul mouth.

 Everything was okay not until she stepped in. A wicked witch.

 Namjoon being a concern leader he was, he made his way to Jimin hugging the younger boy “ You did well back then, holding back your anger. I know you are ticked off and nervous” he patted his back as encouragement.

 “Thank you hyung. Thanks for standing up for me” he sighed gladly returned the hug.

 Pulling away, he smiled softly “We are brothers.. Don’t thank me” others surrounded Jimin giving their unusual so called encouragement speech which he gladly listened to.

 Whenever he sought comfort, his members will always be there for him. He never regretted even once. Being in BTS meant the world to him, he cherished their friendship with all his heart.

Previous | Next

This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2019. All Rights Reserved

[almasidaliano]

Here’s the thing about Religion:

so i'm not religious. i am spiritual. to each's own, whatever you believe in, im simply happy you believe in something.

i grew up christian, i guess. uh baptist, ame, and non denominational. resonated most with non demoninational, even gave sermon when i was 15. and i loved it, truly. church is what threw me for a loop the most in religion, and members of the congregation. it's like hard to want to follow something when followers aren't people you would imagine when you think "Christ-like" you know?

i have always been skeptical about christianity. about religion in general really. so you talk to god and he hears you and he gets back to you with a signal or sign, a blessing or a lesson etc. very seldom people go through these experiences where they have truly heard the voice of God or seen some silohuette or something. its all about faith. and that wasn't the issue. "walk by faith not by sight" right? okay. it was the discrimination. the way people take it upon themselves to condemn others. the amount of sins people commit by simply having a judgemental conversation in a holy building is beyond me. the way the pastors feed off of the congregation. churches should be tax exempt meaning they are getting plenty to sustain their building from the government. why is the congregation dropping money in collection plates?

tides and offerings. paying dues. what about buying food for someone who was hungry? or simply giving some money to someone in need? why is it you go through your week being christ like giving tides and offerings selfishly whole heartedly, just to come to church and twice maybe three times a collection plate goes around while the pastor giving some motivational speech about how he know you got it; knowing you probably don't so to speak.

the most repetitive thing in the bible is not to judge and christians have got to be some of the most judgemental people i have ever known. when it comes to religion so many believers want to passively play god. they want to decide who is worth saving and who is condemned, who is living right, and what they need to be doing with their life. and that is not their job nor their place. you love thy neighbor. it never said unless xyz. no. simply love thy neighbor. it means be kind. love can be passive. it's treating humans like humans and not animals. common decency; which like common sense is less than common.

each religion has like its commandments you know those clear set of rules. i personally never thought these were things that needed to be clarified on the do not do list, however society. when you really break it down though, it is simple. be a good person. don't steal, don't kill. don't commit adultry (being loyal and faithful). etc. there are hundreds of stories in the bible. each open for each individual's interpretation.

if the title of the Creator is God then God is a woman. male and female exist yes i just think there is a little bit left off to the story. if there's a battle of the sexes women are the superior. first, there's father time and mother nature. time is a construct, it does not actually exist. ashes to ashes dust to dust. we all come from the earth.

see how the white man created a male god and sent his male son to save us all. "this is a man's world" (the Devil is a white man. and God is a black woman.) that is true, why? because Earth is the Devil's playground. what is so crazy is that the devil is this symbol of desire and guilty pleasures, rebellion and such and here we have the power to choose. life is about experiences. thinking for yourself doesn't make you a menace, how else do you learn? self knowledge is the best knowledge.

the Nation of Islam, is the prominent black religion. Catholicism and Scientology are the most prominent white religions. Catholicism enables sodomy and pedophilia. Scientology is a tax exempt cult, pretty much controlling the media and lowkey the United States. the Nation partnered with them and have been getting some heat from it, however i think they are trying to take it down. as time has progressed, everyone has gotten smarter. talk about a trojan horse.

Scientology and Catholicism kind of rule the country. all the many branch religions from catholicism just get ranked under that, however those two mainly. Scientology is a full blown brainwashing cult. they are the abusive partner in a domestic violence situation. most religion is. it's like religion or life. religion or family. religion or you know? more division. Scientology is more extreme in the sense that they really have policies and such enforced behind the rules and expectations. However, the same dynamic is kind of true for other religions. people get shunned and become estranged from their families frequently due to religious disagreements. it is truly disheartening because if someone is supposedly lost and you are their loved one, or simply a member of the following, why wouldnt you keep supporting them in the sense of like love companionship an ear to listen. instead, they force people to choose between trusting themselves and trusting their religion.

if your religion makes you question yourself take a look at it. you may be fucking up, you may not. however, blind trust will lead you off a cliff. almost all if not all religions talk about Jesus in one way or the other. there is truth in everything see? the Bible says its blasphemy to read another holy text. i want to find a Bible in the original script before people came with their intentions and made it what they wanted.

let's talk homosexuality for a moment. now i dont know how other religions work, however in christianity, christians love to condemn a homosexual. first thing, WHAT DOES WHO SOMEONE ELSE LOVES HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OUTSIDER? nothing. nothing at all. it has never been anyone's place to tell someone who they can and cannot love. there are scriptures, however they talk about pedetry and sodomy, rape, and male prostitution. crazy thing, it speaks a lot about males not committing homosexual acts but im pretty sure only comes up once about women and the topic was still men.

here's what i think: like i said god is a woman. so if the stories still hold true, humans were created right? so male and man have prefixes. these are word parts that come before. adding these prefixes creates woman and female. in that, i feel as though women were here first. (probably considering all babies start as females and then whilst developing testes drop or don't.) men cannot carry children, they don't have the nutrients in their bodies, they too have nipples however they don't produce milk. men were created as a tool. like a whole ass donor or carrier. men do not like to be "second in command". they feel like in order to be a man and wear the pants, they must do all the providing while a woman does the nurturing. whereas women are multifaceted and great at multitasking. men are constantly thinking like squirrels trying to get nuts. that's all they are here for lol. women could rule the world.

toats just a random theory: what if eve eating the apple and gaining knowledge was the knowledge of true love. like what if shorty realized she aint love dude they were just made for each other lmao. like men are here for reproduction. and to help when a woman's hand are full. i mean like they are in the garden and shit all happy and shit then shorty eat the apple give it to dude and they like oh no we naked. so they go find bushes and leaves and make some lil clothes or coverings. its the knowledge of good and evil so what if their union was evil lol in the sense of bad. like they get caste out stay together have two sons and one kill the other on some hateful envious shit. men provoke violence and evil. they are so prideful. so its like men love women, because they were made to help repopulate and to some extent protect. that's why men think with their dick heads. maybe that's why homosexuality is a "sin" or they try and press the issue; because of rape and sodomy. also, in effort to keep women unhappy since men were too. like it says man and man shouldn't be together, blatantly. not woman. man. because it was unconsensual, and they are here for reproduction so they kinda wasting product getting off elsewhere if you know get what i am saying. lol its a loose theory just popped in my head. however, it kind of makes sense. this lifetime we learning and experiencing things. at the beginning of the lifetime there was woman and then male was created with the tools needed to procreate. as life progressed, there are now ways for same sex female couples to have children. currently only girls can be born due to the lack of "Y" chromosome, however in due time. it is still presently possible for a child have two birth mothers in the present. that is what life is for, the condension of One Sound Consciousness (basically the big bang except not how they described it.). the condension of the Consciousness means when the Creator decided on this lifetime and created every single thing in it us included in order to experience each and every part of their creation. the Creator knows all, can create all, however has not experienced all; that is what lifetimes are for. the experience. the knowledge gained.

always trust the vibes. energy never lies. your body is a radar. you must protect your peace. meditation is like prayer, except broader. in my opinion you let go of so much weight and you gain so much clarity. do not stop believing. always believe in something. mainly yourself. if nothing else. the things that you eat matter too.  there are religions against eating pork, all slaves had was pig parts and pig's food. personally, i think it strengthened our bodies against more diseases and such like made us immune.

religion is simply something to believe in. spirituality is actuality. energy is undeniable. you can feel vibrations. and if you can't open your third eye because you are sleep and we need to be woke. we are superhuman. we have superpowers. for centuries, we have been under a curse of mental slavery. (sound familiar? this is why our ancestors laid down and took it. this is why my melanated friends still laying down and taking it.

having faith supposed to make you stop being afraid to die. so do yall not actually believe in something? because i get (ish) in general not wanting to die if you can help it. however, what part of the life you living is worth living truly? if you sat down and looked at the cards you were dealt, could you honestly say "nah im good, it could be worse ima ride it out." or some shit? would you truly rather live this life than fight for the life you want, the life you deserve and maybe die in the process? so what if they gone kill you anyway?

you know they out to kill us anyway. this is the land of the free and the home of the brave. you gotta be brave to be free. we caged or running the streets. "Ye though I walk throw the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil-" trust yourself and give it to the universe.

We will prevail. We will prevail. We will prevail.

your God already knows your heart, learn yourself and fight like hell for peace, equality, and harmony.

-Almasi

[zhalar]

hello hello its time for my annual crisis on here, tumblrdotcom, since all other social medias have constructed standards etc. for me (ive constructed them for myself)

i just recapped my last year (from june 2019 to this day today, september 2020) from instagram story -archives and Guess. Fucking what. ive done like, 4 things this entire time. Four things in like 15 months. yeah SURE theres a whole ass p*andemic going on but like COME ON????? come onnnnnnnhhhgnfjh

literally what the hell am i doing with my fucking days. all ive ever done/ever do is sit and lag out on the computer. and im not even writing most of the time!! and i have no other skills!!!! and i Swear im not doing this in the sense “boohoo look at what all the other people have achieved i Dont Compare :’’’(” im doing this because dude, i have no memories or experiences, and even during high school, which has so far been the most exciting time of my life, i didnt do SHIT. times fcknig ticking my dude haha. i want to Live.

i started university this week (like, officially. we had an orientation week last week) and uh oh. gamers. i havent connected with any of the people in my... group ??? how do you speak to people when you dont have anything to tell, talk about. to compare to? no anecdotes. Only anxiety. obviously doesnt help that ive missed some quintessential group hangouts since uh the whole Current Situatión Around The Globe terrifies me and im Not gonna be hanging about large masses of people unless i Absolutely have to. what a ..... time to be a freshman, amirite?? online lectures would be absolutely baller if i understood Anything im supposed to be doing. i dont understand. Anything. i think im too lazy for uni, to be honest. i wasnt exactly great in high school either. i dont think i like studying? + english is One Bitch to study. i feel that when i read stuff (be it academic or contemporary) i just do not absorb any of the real deep, meaningful and important things im supposed to be getting out of the text.

online classes S U CK. i lose 85% of my speech and personality (the slight of it that exists in a tolerable shape) in live-video format. none of us want this, cant we just do these exercises alone, pl e a s e

i wish i could just go walking/cycling around town but i cant really do that, either? im So scared of looking like a person from The Countryside(tm) who doesnt know how idk traffic lights or rules work in big cities. godfuck this brain. or i dont even know if thats to blame.

i watched cavetowns music video “hug all ur friends” yesterday, cried my eyes out in a very sophisticated manner when it hit me that i havent REALLY hugged anyone since . february? and also that im not sure if i’ll ever have the sort of friendships that involve . full-body hugging. yknow, the kind where your arms are just all over the other person. running(jumping into a hug. jesus.

been experiencing gender bullshit also, these past couple [uhhhhhhhhhh]. guess im now “officially” using she/they, haha. god i.

hmm. i came out to two of my professors. thats a strange thing to address. tho the only reason i brought up the matter of “hey yo would be DOPE if ya guys could use “they” every now and then if speaking to/about me, thankyouuu” in the first place is Entirely thanks to the fact that these dudes sent us emails stating that if we wanted to be addressed with different names/pronouns, we could just tell them. that got me Bad, you guys, thank fuck for university level of understanding (???) fuking odd, all of this. gender sure as hell is just a vibe, and im vibing slightly to the left of it.

ok hhhhhhhhhh maybe this has been enough for this moment. i should be doing: SO many things but i just do not want to do any of them so like hhhhhhhhhhghrrgh. i need a real person in my life (like i mean. someone whos a professional? idk) to whom i can yell about these fuking things so i wouldnt have to rely on personal google docs and tumblrposts like this one to take care of my mental health.

im craving vegan kebab-fries so bad hhhhh how do you do business in restaurants you dont know beforehand

[pancakpop]

Congratulations | GOT7 Reactions

Mark Tuan

The Tony Awards. Mark watched you jump around in your seat due to the excitement. You were currently on your private bus, heading to the Tony Awards. Laughing at your actions, he took out his phone and recorded you.

“Aw... Look at how cute my baby is.” Once you saw him recording you with a smile on his face, you threw a pillow at him, causing him to laugh even more. You caused him to surrender into his childish ways so he stopped recording and threw the pillow back at you, his laughter never stopped thanks to the fact that the pillow hit you.

After your short pillow fight, Mark held your hand and looked into your eyes lovingly.

“I can tell today is going to be a great day, you’re going to win that award.”

Im Jaebum

The MTV Awards. A few days after the award show, Jaebum left you in the U.S and went back home to South Korea. Though he wanted to stay with you a little longer, he had to finish his own work before he thought about staying in a different country for awhile.

Currently having an interview, his interviewer asked him, “so what happened when you went to the states?” Jaebum couldn’t help laughing before responding.

“My lover... (Y/N) was nominated for an MTV award, and won the award for Best New Artist. When (Y/N)’s name was called out, she/he couldn’t stop crying. She/he could hardly say her/his acceptance speech because of how much she/he cried. But I can’t honestly say that I’ve never been so proud before. After all those long talks; (Y/N) telling me that she/he was ready to give up her/his dream, crying her/himself to sleep due to the stress, I’m so happy that their hard work had finally paid off. And I’m completely sure the award she/he won will not be the last.”

Jackson Wang

The Grammy Awards. You sat next to Jackson backstage. You had won the album of the year award and you swore Jackson was more emotional than you. When they announced you as the winner, Jackson jumped up and started to cry as he hugged everyone around him. For a moment, you believed that he won the award instead of you. As you went on stage to accept your award, Jackson cried even more when you mentioned his name in your speech.

Now that you were backstage with your award, Jackson wouldn’t stop taking pictures of you and posting onto his social media pages. It was almost like he was bragging about your success.

“Jackson enough. It’s just an award.” You laughed. He gasped and placed his hand over his chest.

“Just an award? This is your first ever Grammy Award, this is a huge accomplishment. You should be just as proud of yourself as I am of you.”

Park Jinyoung

The Oscars. You were sitting in the audience with Jinyoung, waiting patiently for the promo of the movie you starred in to be aired for the first time. Once the promo began, you watched Jinyoung to see his reactions.

At first, he had a poker face; it didn’t seem like he loved it or hated it. It wasn’t until the promo was halfway done where he began so show some emotions. Once he finally had an idea about the plot, he was beginning to feel sad, which was good since your movie was a drama.

Towards the end of your promo, you watched as Jinyoung’s heart broke when your character was laying in the hospital bed due to a gunshot wound. When the promo was over, Jinyoung looked at you as if he just found out your darkest secret.

“When were you going to tell me that you are an amazing actor/actress?”

Choi Youngjae

The BET Awards. Youngjae was sitting in the audience with your family and close friends, waiting anxiously for you to perform. You were performing a song about things you’ve experienced/witnessed when it came to racism. When the beat to your song dropped, Youngjae was the first one to raise to his feet, clapping and cheering. Once you finally appeared on stage, he sat back down and watched your performance closely. 

He was in awe when he laid his eyes onto you. Not only because you looked amazing on stage, but also because you performed a song with a powerful message. Nodding his head to the music, Youngjae smiled at the reaction the crowd was giving you. But it was the very last line of your song that really moved the crowd to their feet.

“You want equal rights, but you can’t figure out how to act right, when someone different walks into your sight.”

Of course, Youngjae was apart of the standing ovation. A few tears of joy began to fall from his eyes as he watched you leave the stage. He knew how much this performance meant to you, so for you to get such a positive reaction made him so happy and proud.

Bambam

The CFDA Fashion Awards. You, a well known designer, was nominated for five awards. You and Bambam walked towards the CFDA Fashion Awards’ background to do a quick interview before leaving the red carpet to find your seats inside.

“Let’s start off with you (Y/N)... How are you feeling about tonight?” Asked the interviewer.

“I’m feeling very confident about tonight. I’m looking around and I see all the signs from people who supports me and my work, people wearing my products, people screaming they love me. As a designer... It makes me want to work harder.”

Bambam smiled at you and wrapped his arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him. 

“And what about you Bambam? How are you feeling?”

“I’m feel happy. (Y/N) got the call saying she/he was a nominee for some awards back in Korea. When she/he told me, I swear I was more excited than her/him. (Y/N) was calm while I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I’m so proud of (Y/N). Even if she/he doesn’t win an award today, I’ll still be so proud of her/him.”

Kim Yugyeom

The Billboard Awards. You weren’t nominated for an award, though you were hosting the event. Yugyeom loved how you broke down the third wall and interacted with the crowd, he loved how hype you got them. When there was an artist performing on stage, Yugyeom paid no mind to them. His eyes were glued on you dancing on the sidelines. He laughed and danced in his seat to the music.

The show was ending and it was time for you to give your closing speech.

“And lastly, I want to give a special thanks to my boyfriend Yugyeom. He came all the way from South Korea to support me. Everyone give him a round of applause.” You first said it in English, then Korean, causing him to lower his head as he blushed in embarrassment.

“I love you Yugyeom.” He picked up his head and smiled at you, mouthing the words back to you.

This was supposed to be posted a LONG time ago, but some bs happened. I had one one more member to write for, when my laptop died and everything deleted. I was so mad that I wanted to pretend that this asked never existed. But then I was like, “nah lemme stop playing.”

-Sariyah

[minblush]

These goals the boys (bighit) are begging for are promoting such a toxic atmosphere in this fandom. Almost cult-like. But you are a breathe of fresh air bc even some big blogs i liked for being "real" are now into this sheep mentality, this is scary.

Anonymous said:+ kinda funny Pied Piper exist when they are demanding so much lol

i agree that it doesn’t help with the atmosphere in the fandom, it’s gotten so much worse correlating with how much the boys asked of us and how much more the company focused on promoting them based on the records and numbers :( and i also think it’s pretty ironic coming up with that song now with how much they and the company had been asking and doing to get money out of us… i’m also bitter with bighit’s treatment of foreign fans because of what happened today, but anyways.. wish they gave us better things to focus on, at some point we are going to reach the limit and their goals will never be met and the fandom will always remain feeling guilty about it, so i wish the boys had more vague or personal goals instead of giving us specific numbers

anonymous  asked:

personally i think most of the fandom shows so much blind faith to the boys, to the point that it’s very unhealthy. of course, there’s nothing wrong with people wanting to show support for their faves, but some people show unwavering dedication to whatever they want. it’s kind of annoying and they think it makes them look like better fans when in reality they just show they’re in capable of anything realistic

i think it’s like that with most fandoms that are built around real people, because it’s so time consuming and there are a lot of things you have to deal with, but it reached pretty critical levels in our fandom, any time anyone says something negative it’s just HYSTERICS about how fake of a fan you are, or that you’re too dramatic for even thinking outside of anything the company/group wants you to… but yeah i agree with you, always gotta look at things with some level of realism

Anonymous said:ok in the beginning i didn’t really agree with you but now i do. i totally see ur point. ofc they have goals and they should have, but when what they achieve is because of us it can kinda feel like we’re stepping stones??? if u know w i mean. it’s great with ambitions but when you achieve something pls revel in it a bit more before being like “ok BUT now we want more thanks”. or have goals such as development as musicians and vocalists or smth that isn’t based on numbers… i sound bitter lol

yeah that’s how i feel too, and i think they shouldn’t make us feel that way as fans, they used to have many goals like that, about self-development, making good music, connecting more, expressing themselves better, but this time around it’s all charting and records and yeah, and what more it’s even specific numbers, and that’s just blergh.. you know the fandom will be disappointed with itself if we don’t get them to hot 50 next time

Anonymous said:I miss the time where the only things I understood about kpop were that the groups were large and that the members could sing and dance. I’ve never given a fuck about 1st places in music shows and daesangs tbh I still don’t get how all of this works properly. But i started making a big deal of it since the boys first win and at the time it was meaningful but like right now? I don’t even check if they won or not because I know they did. (1)

Anonymous said:It doesn’t feel the same because these wins and prices and stuff just don’t feel as rewarding as before idk how to explain it. I kind of have a feeling that all of this happens just because of the popularity so it’s just meeeh to me (I mean I’m always delighted and super happy whenever they got something, it just doesn’t feel the same anymore, kind of a routine, I got used to it too son I guess) anyway, about the streaming drama that is happening. (2)

Anonymous said: I’m sure that if I ever dare speak these words into life under an URL I’d be destroyed but, I didn’t change my location when streaming the album and I didn’t let my laptop run overnight to stream the MV. I mostly stream because I want to hear the songs and because I want the boys to get some money out of it. It’s great that they achieved the hot100 and it would be great if they make it into the top50, top20… Of course. (3)

Anonymous said:Call me dramatic but the achievement doesn’t feel that genuine to me, because they made it through people streaming while working, sleeping, eating, doing everything but listening to the songs iywim so it’s just because the fandom worked extra hard not because the song made it into the mainstream ears?  Idk nothing feels right lately and the boys have their mind flying over the moon and I hope they will get a break soon so they can reflect and think (4)

Anonymous said:about everything and put their wants and goals straight again. Because they give me the impression that they won’t stop because everything is going so fast and nothing feels impossible to them rn they really need a break. I have a lot to say but I feel that this ask is messy enough as it is. Thank you if you read all of this (5)

Yeah it’s true and only natural that the more awards / wins there are, the less it means to everyone, both us and the boys. I don’t think we’ll get a moment like their first daesang again tbh, i’m really grateful i experienced that moment live.

and you’re right that people are really awful with the streaming, i saw so much guilting everywhere.. like sorry, i work full time,i can’t leave the mv playing 24/7, i do what i can as a fan, everyone tries to help within their means.

it’s just that now it feels like even those sacrifices we make aren’t enough, because in the end we will always be asked and expected to do even more.

and i agree with you, honestly this album felt from scratch like it was made to get them a lot of success, but it lost a lot of what people like them for in the process (the boys’ input, their sincerety about the result), i was hoping that once they would achieve that HUGE goal that they talked about for years, that they and us would breathe out and feel like, yeah we got there, now we can do what matters. but i guess there is still more and more, they just want more sigh, i just hope that once it all starts going down (which it has to eventually) that it won’t be too harsh on them, i know they worry about it a lot

Anonymous said:1. I agree w everything youre saying rn. Before the live stages i honestly only liked mic drop and now gogo is up there too - all because of the vibe their stages give off. If not for that id continue feeling detached from it all, from them. This is my first proper comeback aswell ( other than the ynwa repackage ) and its honestly not what i expected. Esp w wings and now the theme of love yourself, i really expected more… sincerity? Idk if thats the right word. But that could be explained byAnonymous said:2. The fact that the boys didnt have as much of an imput in the album as their previous ones. Which i get w the company wanting to make the most of how big they are and wanted to make sure the album was great but. Idk, i feel like they couldve trusted the boys more since it was them that got themselves here in the first place ( not that bighit was just sitting back chilling but i hope you know what I mean ). And although I was starting to fall back into the hype of the comeback

Anonymous said:3. The recent vlive kind of put me off.. theyre all exhausted, thats so clear. Tae barley said anything and they all just need a rest tbh. And this may just be me being petty and sour, but when Namjoon started saying how they should talk about how they felt after their billboard win nobody really responded? And even Namjoon cut himself off and food became the main topic. Which is good, im glad theyre eating, but i hope you see what i mean? Man idk. Sorry for the length of these

yeah it was like that for me too, but seeing them up there reminded me of why they are the best for me ;-; i also wish for that, cause tbh the songs where boys could say something more were the the best ones on the album and made me FEEL things, while other songs, even if they were fun, they were just empty to me, like empty radio bops, sadly. i’m sorry the vlive put you off, i thought it was cute, though they were tired. i didn’t pay much attention to tae not talking, because he is often like that during broadcasts tbh, he isn’t as talkative as the others during group settings, and secondly he is a rEALLY moody kid, so since they are all tired (they did this between fansigns as well) ofc he would be sitting there with his arms crossed, that’s just how he is. however i agree that the billboard part was weird, the broadcast was to celebrate it but when namjoon tried talking about it they changed the subject after a minute when nobody was enthusiastic at all.. it just makes you feel like, you work so hard to get them these awards to make them happy, right? but if they’re not even really all that into it, then it’s all about the sales and the media play and the cred, so what are we doing it for? but that is me being bitter i guess ;-;

Anonymous said:my first comeback too and i’m a bit disappointed with the (i forgot the word) “theme” of the album compared to hyyh and wings (started when i saw the highlight reels… they’re beautiful but shallow lol). dgmw i love the songs they’re bops but something’s missing and i kinda hoped for “deeper” goals and messages. my other fave bands have goals such as individual and musical growth, learning new things, feeling better about their music and lyrics etc. i love them this won’t change that but still

the word is concept, and yeah me too. i agree with everything you say. i want to hear something more sincere next time, both music wise and their goals wise. like did y’all read the statement bighit had namjoon say after they got onto the hot 100?

“Our dreams are coming true this week with a number one entrance to 73 countries on iTunes, and we are excited to share it with ARMY. We are very thankful for Billboard’s support from the beginning, and excited that Love Yourself: Her is charting at No. 7 on the Hot 200 and No. 85 on the HOT 100 for "DNA” on the Billboard charts.”

this is the most robotic and number focused speech ever and it just makes me feel really -_- just be real with us dakjsd please

Anonymous said:honestly thank you so much for staying real and not being all up their asses.. like you can love a group and still be logical about things and staying true to yourself. it’s refreshing

ha thank you, i wish this wasn’t something i had to be thanked for though… i’m just hyper focused on making sure all my opinions are my own, otherwise i’d lose track of myself as a person

[dix813blog-blog]

three Good reasons Your Fortnite v-buck generator Is Damaged (And How to Repair It)

Gamers, younger kinds in any case, don’t feel to note these types of items. They’re immediately after assault rifles (ideally the Famous SCAR), pump shotguns, bolt-motion sniper rifles (the scope is really a boon), chug jugs, slurp juices, bandages, medkits, and defend potions. They see, and covet, skins that appear cool but have no bearing on activity play; for twenty bucks, you can don the Leviathan or maybe the Raven. Or they fixate on dance moves, the so-identified as victory emotes you can have your avatar perform, in the warmth of fight or after a eliminate. The Floss, the New, the Squat Kick, the Wiggle—these have spilled out into the whole world. You might see folks close to you, or Specialist athletes on Tv set, breaking into Peculiar dances. The one particular referred to as Take the L is big in recent times within the Bundesliga and at Minute Maid Park.

VBUCKS IN FORTNITE

Plenty of accomplished players glimpse down their noses at Fortnite, just how, Probably, that some jazz and blues diehards, in 1964, dismissed the Beatles. The dances, the alliterative place-names, the dearth of legitimate postapocalyptic menace: these can suggest an absence of seriousness that to some appears spell-breaking. A classmate of Gizzard Lizard’s, ZenoMachine, a gamer for for a longer period than seems plausible (he commenced actively playing Crew Fortress 2 in kindergarten and now develops his personal game titles), is definitely the eighth grade’s resident Fortnite Scrooge. “Firstly, I’m not a enthusiast with the polygons,” ZenoMachine advised me. We were being with a park bench, just after faculty—a unusual hit of daylight. “It's got a hi-res texture but reduced-res polygons.” Gizzard Lizard had warned me which i wouldn’t have an understanding of ZenoMachine, but I gathered that he was critiquing the game’s aesthetics. He favored a realer search. He objected to specified inconsistencies. The pickaxe, such as, which players use to demolish partitions and buildings, brings about Nearly no damage to other gamers to be a weapon. “How can that be?” he mentioned. “I see why a great deal of folks like Fortnite. It targets players who aren’t expert. But it really violates the rules of consistency.” He explained that the first time he played he gained—by hiding out until eventually Every person else experienced practically been killed off. This is recognized as camping, and is particularly frowned on by frequent players. “If one thing so simple as player selection influences one other gamers’ encounter, you’ve obtained a layout flaw,” ZenoMachine claimed.

ZenoMachine develops his own video games employing a platform known as the Unreal Motor. Fortnite, mainly because it occurs, is developed to the Unreal Engine, also. The game will be the generation of a firm known as Epic Games, based outdoors Raleigh, North Carolina. In 1998, Epic launched a first-person shooter identified as Unreal, which loved only moderate good results but which, Nearly by chance, had an enduring influence within the evolution of movie online games. Epic utilised Unreal’s underlying architecture, and a few of its areas, to generate what arrived to be referred to as the Unreal Engine, a standard platform that supports all method of games, be they shooters, brawlers, platformers, or sandbox R.P.G.s. It’s essentially a set of tools that builders can use to design and Create games and also other simulations. Rather than starting from scratch in, say, C++, the favored graphic-coding language, independent builders along with other firms utilize the Unreal Engine to produce their unique game titles. (The licensing in the motor, consequently, provides Epic the funds stream to dedicate time and sources to the development of strike online games like Fortnite.) Annually, Epic takes advantage of existing games, many of them all but overlooked, to soup up the Unreal Motor, to ensure that it may possibly manage an ever far more complex array of calls for. Fortnite was the main Unreal Engine four launch. Amid other things, Epic needed to adapt the motor to help you its servers accommodate the large quantity of details that should be processed instantaneously when a hundred players are competing in one Fight Royale round. The problem of which steps impact Other folks, and from what distance, on this vast storm-sieged island—the old if-then issue—is far more sophisticated than it would seem.

“Think of Fortnite as a visual method of media,” Jamin Warren, the editor of the society-and-gaming journal Get rid of Display, instructed me. No matter what Fortnite’s allure like a activity to Perform, Additionally it is evidently the most beguiling just one to view. As movie-activity spectatorship fills arenas, and siphons a technology faraway from actual sports, Fortnite has grown to be essentially the most viewed activity on YouTube—by March, there had been Virtually three billion sights on the countless periods that players experienced uploaded—and the best game on Twitch, the streaming System. Seeing isn’t just for spazzes anymore. “It’s developed A sort of world arcade,” Warren reported. “In lieu of a number of kids seeking above the shoulder of the new-shot more mature brother or whatsoever, down on the mall, you may have countless folks observing, and the person taking part in the game is usually a millionaire.”

The medium’s breakout star is recognized as Ninja. He is a former professional Halo player named Tyler Blevins, who's got reported that he would make more than fifty percent one million pounds per month by streaming his Fortnite periods, and his totally free-associative commentary, on Twitch (that's owned by Amazon). His YouTube channel has over ten million subscribers. Final thirty day period, he hosted a Fortnite Event in Las Vegas, in an e-athletics arena, and Just about seven hundred thousand folks tuned in to his Twitch stream. I’ve read a lot of teenagers make reference to him as America’s most important entertainer—which isn't as hyperbolic because it Appears. In April, Ninja ranked bigger than any athlete on the earth in “social interactions,” a measure of social-media likes, responses, shares, and sights. Cristiano Ronaldo was No. two. In March, Ninja consented into a Fortnite session with Drake.

Blevins, that is 20-6, originates from outside Detroit and lives in the vicinity of Chicago (he won’t say where) along with his wife, who handles his company affairs. He streams ten to fourteen several hours each day, typically from about nine A.M. to three P.M. after which from 6 P.M. until eventually whenever. All told, he logs about 300 hours per month. What a person sees is his match display screen, along with his avatar in whichever skin he has picked out, and, within an inset, a perpetual shot of Blevins himself. A ninja headband girds a Bieber-ish shock of hair that he dyes distinctive hues: emerald eco-friendly, platinum, yellow. He’s a lean, boyish guy who appears to make an energy to keep up some semblance of a smile at all times. His spiel is goofy, caffeinated, and reasonably cocky. He does impressions. In March, he was mumbling some rap lyrics as he performed, and somehow the term “indica” arrived out since the N-term. Amid the backlash, he apologized, type of, and, when it arrived time for me to talk to him previous 7 days, his supervisor’s just one affliction was that I not request him about it, as he’d currently explained what there was to say, which was, in part, “I assure that there was no mal intent (I wasn’t even attempting to say the word—I fumbled lyrics and obtained tongue-tied inside the worst doable way).” A scrupulous journalist may have known as from the interview, although the teens I’d been speaking with concerning the sport were so impressed that I might talk with Ninja that I caved. At the last moment, even though, Ninja bailed, declaring sickness. Burn! (“I’m rather sure that was BS,” a type of teens texted me. “I feel he was streaming currently.”) At any amount, Ninja’s sensitivity is an indication that avid gamers like him are getting into the mainstream. They have got to watch what they say.

Onscreen, the millionaire maintains the environs of your gamer boy. The camera will take in an acoustic-tile ceiling, wall-to-wall carpeting, bare drywall, in addition to a fourposter mattress. There’s a framed Detroit Lions poster propped in opposition to a wall, along with a mini-fridge stocked with Pink Bull. Ninja is really a lifelong gamer, but he can make a point to remind his lovers, lest they get the fall-all the things bug, that he did perfectly at school, performed soccer along with other sports, completed college although holding down a job at Noodles & Business, and in some cases appeared, together with his loved ones, on “Household Feud.” The sport skill is legit. He wins a thing like fifty percent of your countless video games he plays just about every week, versus all comers. He’s a crack shot and has a nose with the significant ground. As generally as not, It appears he’s rarely being attentive. He’s looking at supporters’ messages out loud, like a chat-radio host, or jabbering with A further Fortnite star, like Dr. Lupo or KingRichard, if they’ve teamed up for just a activity or two: “The recoil on this matter is stupid”; “You reported you had a full protect, ass”; “So keep my dick”; “That man was trying to consume a chug jug. What a noob.” All accompanied by occasional bursts of gunfire. “To any one viewing the stream, I hope you fellas are savoring the information, person.”

Gizzard Lizard’s shoot-out in Tomato Town occurred on the last night time of April, which was the final evening of Year three. Anticipation was jogging significant. One of the ingenious innovations of Fortnite is always to introduce seasons of about two months, as with a cable-tv collection, also to integrate new plot and match factors. (Previous 7 days, in a crossover masterstroke, Thanos, the indestructible villain of the new Avengers Motion picture, dropped in on the sport—that is definitely, players could undertake a Thanos skin—and so, for a while, the Fortnite established gleefully schooled different Thanoses in a means the Avengers couldn't.) On April thirtieth, a comet that had been hovering over the island was purported to strike soon after midnight. For days, meteors had been showering the sport. Teasers—the newest currently being “brace for impression”—had influenced a raft of speculation and conspiracy theories. Initially, men and women anticipated the comet to hit the crowded urban environment generally known as Tilted Towers, but some clues led Other individuals to predict, the right way, that the comet would wipe out Dusty Depot, which was thereafter being generally known as Dusty Divot.

It was difficult to do research on a night like this; Gizzard Lizard returned to the sport. He played on a Laptop he’d developed at school. It didn’t have a graphics card. He’d hardly ever been an enormous gamer—his mothers and fathers have been reasonably stringent about screens and had never ever consented to an Xbox or even a Wii—even though he’d performed Minecraft for quite a while. This standard of obsession was something new. He saw on his find-your-close friends bar that lots of schoolmates had been participating in, so he FaceTimed just one who goes by ism64. They teamed up and hit Lucky Landing. Gizzard Lizard wore an earbud below a set of earphones, to ensure that he could talk to ism64 while listening with the seem of approaching enemies. From the distance, it appeared that he was talking to himself: “Enable’s just Construct. Be careful, you’re gonna be trapped below my ramp. I’m hitting this John Wick. Oh my God, he just pumped me. Occur revive me. Create all over me and are available revive me. Wait, can I have that chug jug? Thanks.”

I’d been struck, viewing Gizzard Lizard’s game titles for a couple of days, by how the spirit of collaboration, amid the urgency of mission and danger, appeared to deliver out one thing approaching gentleness. He and his friends did favors for one another, watched one another’s backs, made available encouragement. This was something which I hadn’t seen Significantly of, say, down on the rink. One particular could argue that the outdated arcade, With all the at any time-existing menace of bullying and harassment plus the problem of declaring dibs, uncovered A child to the planet—it’s character-making!—but there was something for being claimed for this type of refuge, although it did involve assault rifles and grenades.

Then the John Wick was on him. “Oh God! Oh God!” Foiled once again.

A John Wick was an completed player who experienced gained a pores and skin that bears a resemblance for the character performed by Keanu Reeves while in the “John Wick” films. (Formally, the skin is called the Reaper, presumably to stay away from licensing costs, but gamers phone it John Wick.) It had been available to anybody who had attained all hundred tiers of the game in Period three—a mix of achievement and encounter which would have demanded participating in for between seventy-five and 100 and fifty several hours.

As the last several hours of Season 3 expired, gamers scrambled to succeed in Tier 100, and have their John Wick skins. Gizzard Lizard was nowhere shut. He’d commenced the season as a noob. Appear the next early morning, Working day Amongst Year four, he experienced a intend to place within the hrs to receive to Tier one hundred. It will get really serious determination. For the first time, he bought a thousand Fortnite V-bucks, for $9.99, with which to get skins. He went Along with the Carbide, a modern one that brought to brain a wetsuit. This was The 1st time he—or, a lot more to The purpose, his mom and dad—experienced at any time used anything but quarters on a game.

[peterwritting12-blog]

Color

People often ask me what I do for a  living. To this I always reply “I help people see”.  For you see there is a whole new world  beyond the vial we live behind. A world of pure beauty, instead of this  garbage we live in. everything in this world is so two dimensional, its  either absolutely horrible, or the best thing ever. Where as in the world of  color everything is pure wonder. Hmm I should take a step back and explain to  you exactly it is what I do.

 In the world we live in we can only  see two colors black and white. It explains why everything is either horrible  or amazing. Now, what if I where to tell you that by taking this one little  pill, you can take your body, and transport it to this new world that allows  you to see over thousands of different color. This world, is what we  enthusiasts call, the world of color. But you see, this whole thing goes a  lot deeper that just one simple pill. It goes a lot deeper. But we will get  there; I gotta get going or else ill be late for work.

 My days, are all the same. Wake up,  shower, make a few deals, go home, and then get high. You see the drug I deal  is a very unique drug and goes by the name color. I also so happen to be the  only dealer in Chicago that has it. So as you can imagine business is  booming. However today is not an ordinary day, my boss wants me to go to this  big consperiest meeting about ‘color’ and report back to him.

    When I arrived at the meeting there where only 5 people present. So naturally I got alittle bit ticked off about my boss forcing me to go to such a small event. But as the event grew latter into the night it started to entertain me. People where telling, what I believe to be stories about how we live in a test program in a computer, and how the drug, color temporarily sends us into the new, advance model of the program. They continued this outrageous theory with how the suppliers want to push this drug forward  because they want to stress test their servers. As a finally to top the night  off one person spoke of her personal experience that happened to her as she  tried color for the first time. She said “the trip, the trip that I  experienced was one of no other. The sky, it was blue, grass was green I even  experienced a whole arrange of colors in the sky forming a frowny face. It  was all so incredible. But when It all ended and came back to reality, my, my  vision was all blurry. I had troubles seeing. Some days where fine, and  others not so much. Although as much as a tragedy this is, I am lucky. I have  had friends who’ve gone insane from coming back from the trip. Please I urge  you all to not to use this drug. Stay away from it, please, thank you for  your time” Naturally, I started to question  not only the legitimacy of the persons story, but also if I was breaking my  fundamental morals by selling this drug. Now, unlike most drug dealers I like  to take in the consideration of the buyer’s health when I provide him a  product. After all I am the biggest supplier in Chicago. But, if color is  really causing impaired vision, among other side effect; I really don’t know  if I can keep selling this product. At that very second that thought  popped up in my head I received a text message. The message was from the  creator of color himself. The message stated 

We understand that there has been some side effects caused by our  recent invention ‘Color’ We would like to inform you that we have come out  with a newer version of this drug that addresses these side effects. I would  like to amend our current agreement and propose the following:

-I will supply you with a shipment of the new, and improved  version of ‘colour’

- You must destroy the remaining amount of ‘color’ that you  currently posses

- the money made off of your sales from the first version of  ‘color’ will be yours to keep

- the income from yours sales of the second version of ‘color’ shall be split 50/50

 you have the next 24 hours to inform me of your decision.

From,

The Supplier

Without any hesitation I accepted  his offer. How couldn’t I? The money that I will make off of this agreement  it absurd; it would be foolish of my to decline.

 The next day the new shipment came  in, so I decided to go to work. That day alone I sold 50 units, needless to  say, im the best. For my own conscious I made everyone who bought the new  version of color fill out a survey to see if they experienced any unusual  effects. To my delight everyone didn’t experience anything disturbing.  However as I was near the end of the shipment, peculiar things started to  arise… More and more conspiracy meetings  were starting to take place all over Chicago. The media started to broadcast  new outbreaks of Color, and how the drug has been broken loose and is being sold on the streets, as well as how people have been reported to have gone into a coma during  their psychedelic trips. The craziest things about this whole situation?  Demand is still high.

Word has gotten out, somehow, that  I was one of the creators of this drug. As much as I know it’s not true,  people want to pin this whole situation on one guy. I could hear the sirens  coming for me. Mad mobs approaching my doorsteps. You know that feeling when  you’re bound to get caught and you try to get out by doing something idiotic  and you can never explain your actions? Well, this is one of those moments. In the spur of the moment, I popped  the pill Colour. Within one minute, I entered a psychadelic trip. When I awoke, I was lying down on an invisible platform. Everything  around me was white, however, there were redish orange streaks in the sky  that really captured the clouds. In front of me stood a silhouette of a man  filled with a warm range of colors. In this very moment, I lived one of my  life long dreams: to be in a classic action movie cliché where the man behind  the curtain explains his diabolical plan You know when all your friends  reassure you the universe doesn’t hate you? 

By the way, i want to just point out something. Remember all those times when you prayed for something to happen and it never did? Well, guess what? it’s because the universe hates you! The man controlling it all hates you. ok back to my story. 

The strange man spoke in a deep, monotone  voice and said, “I would like to thank you for helping to push forward my  product. If you haven’t guessed who I am already, you know me as ‘The  Supplier.’ As you stand here in front of me, the Earth that you live on is  currently being erased. For you see, the reality that you think is your  reality, does not exist. It never has. It’s only a program that’s made to test  your race, the new race that we created. It is designed to see if your race  is deemed worthy to live among us. But, humanity has failed. Your reward for  helping me is that I gave you your own individual test. That too, you failed.  You took money over saving others. Money, greed, power is all humanity cares  about. The stability of your race would never be sustainable, it would only  come to an inevitable end! Dangle a treat in front of a person, that’s all  they would want regardless of their own health or others! For over thousands of years, this  test has been run. Each time a failure. Each time, to either greed, power, or  envy. Like others, your memories shall be wiped and this process shall be  repeated. Try not to fail again.”