#i feel less ashamed being open about my mental health in a way

[kurohaneko]

i need more dreamers to gush abt dpr ian and his music with

[egg-but-with-style]

HEADCANONS WITH THE BOYSSSS!!!!

My last post did pretty well, and if people like it, I figured I might as well try my hand at some more!!!!

Gaz

This guy literally has the best skin in the world, it's like looking at something carved from marble, everytime you ask about his skincare routine, he just says genetics.

He detests anything made with cinnamon, his older sister once made him try a pie she made, and by the time he was done eating it, he was literally coughing up cinnamon. Didn't say anything though, couldn't be mean to his sister like that.

HE CANNOT SIT STILL!! Gaz and soap are literally the most energetic people on base. Except Price finds Gaz charming and soap less so...

Also I for some reason think he smells like oranges and mangos???

(edited after I saw a tiktok about climate change) GAZ IS SUPER VOCAL ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, all of the boys care to some degree (get it?) but Gaz brings hard facts and evidence everytime he talks about it, Price is now worried for Gaz's mental health

Price

Where to start? Maybe with the fact he has duplicates of his hats he keeps in his office drawer. Ghost went in there one time to give Price a report and saw Price open his Hat Drawer. Ghost had never seen so many hats

If some of y'all didn't know, if you have a low tolerance to cigars and breathe in too much of the smoke, you'll get sick. So, Price keeps a puking trash can just for the people that come into his office. Is he gonna stop smoking to prevent people from losing their lunch? Never.

When he's not on duty he wears the stupid Hawaiian shirts that middle aged dads wear on vacation. Also cargo shorts. Cause they're tactical

Soap

Again, he cannot sit still. He'll wake up in the middle of the night and you'll find him in the armory tinkering with an explosive, and even then he gets up every couple minutes just to pace around

He is very meticulous about his hair. Every morning he wakes up just a little bit earlier then everyone else and hair gels that baby into place. It does not move. It could probably be as effective as a military grade helmet at that point.

THIS MAN DRAWS PORN AND POSTS IT ON TWITTER!!! He uses an alias of course, and a very well hidden drawing tablet when he's on duty. Just ignore the fact that alot of the men he draws look just a tad bit like ghost. Just a little.

Also, while all of the COD men love a woman (or man) with meat on their bones, soap is feral. Chubby chaser all the way. There's also something really hot about a person being around his height and not taking his shit.

Ghost

He has horrible acne under that mask. It's actually awful how much he goes through just to keep it on. He's done skincare, moisturizing, pimple patches, everything, and nothing work. The worst part is, he thinks the mask is so cool it's worth it

This man is an actual dork. (Idea by @ghouljams) this guy definitely makes those little miniatures. The little details he puts into every bit of his work, whether it's wood grain, the look of water, he just does it all with such skill. The plus side is that it keeps his brain at bay, not thinking and more focused on what's in front of him. He also likes DND. Go figure.

I also do like the idea of trans ghost. He understands what it was like before he transitioned and feeling ashamed of his size when he used to be forced into the stereotype of what a woman should look like. So when people fuck with you about your size, he's right behind you like he's gonna kill them.

Authors note: the only thing I'm afraid of as I start writing is 1. The fan fic author curse, and 2. People actually paying attention to me, my anxiety is gonna kill me, lol. Anyway, hope y'all are having a great day!!! Bye!!!

[overwhelmed-overweight]

Thought Dump: 05/30/2024

I'm such an open book irl. I speak openly and loudly about my addictions and mental health issues, as well as a "past" (present lol) with disordered eating. People view me as a safe person and I'll often learn about someone's worst traumas within 30 minutes of meeting them as a result. I'm always there to listen and make them feel less crazy and less alone.

But there's a tiny voice in the back of my head screaming for me to just shut the fuck up. Sometimes I worry that being so open looks like attention-seeking or desperate behavior.

I spent my teen years suffering in silence for the most part. But as an adult I realize that it is what it is, and adding the extra weight of shame on my shoulders is pointless. I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I think my main goal is to help others feel the same way.

And in those moments when strangers open up to me, I feel like I have achieved that goal. It doesn't make my problems go away, but it makes me hate them a little less.

[shelbgrey]

Dating Felix Davison Headcanons

-A/n: due to personal stuff the Spooky season series has been canceled and I'm just releasing this one.

Paring: Felix Davison x Reader

Summary: headcanons about dating Felix and what it's like to be around his family. (from the horror movie 'You're Next') -SMUT warning!

❤️MasterList ML2 ❤️Dating Moodboard

First off I think you both would be total opposites. He's kind of a hothead, the rebellious one out of his siblings and you're just really sweet, playfully, and have a big heart.

That's what attracted him to you. You always went out of your way to be nice to him dispite you being really shy around new people.

You guys met during your 2nd year of film school, you both got a job at a movie/book store. He had already been working there a couple of months before you got hired.

You could tell he wasn't a people person so you didn't force him to talk or interact with you, but you were always nice and helped him out when he needed it.

Once he got you to warm up to him he fell in love with your big heart then found it amusing that you had a twist sence of humor.

He found out quickly you were shy. He just hated everyone equally and you were just too shy to talk to people, so it took him a while for you to have a full conversation with him. He found out if he gets you talking about movies you'd be less shy and more open to have a conversation.

He also goes out of his way to be really nice to you even though he's a complete asshole to others. He also loves to make you laugh.

It'll probably take him a few months into dating for his family to find out you even exist. He doesn't get along with anyone in his family other than Crispin and his mom. He'll also be terrified of them scaring you off. It'll probably be a year before you get to meet them face to face.

He's never been ashamed of you, but he could say he's ashamed of his family's actions and personality. He also knows you're shy and way too nice for your own good, so he doesn't trust them around you.

His mom would probably be the first person to meet you and know about you. He doesn't admit out loud, but he's a mama's boy and he was able to get you guys to meet without anyone else around.

She absolutely loves you even though you're the exact opposite of what she expected Felix to date. She loved the fact you were a little shy but very kind hearted. “she's good for you. You both balance each other out”

His ex-girlfriend Zee was manipulative even if Felix didn't relize it, but it's just the little things that make him relize what a relationship is supposed to be when he's with you. You always put him first, have discussion with him instead of fighting like Zee would with him.

Zee also didn't really care about his well-being or his mental health. You learn all his little ticks and his Body language quickly. If he's uncomfortable you'll hold his hand or ask him if he wants to leave. He didn't know how to take all the affection at first because he didn't experience any of that with Zee.

You basically have the 'I don't know what love feels like' and 'well, let me show you' thing going on.

I think all the in-laws would just hit it off immediately. You, Erin, and Tariq would become closer than the actual siblings are. You and Tariq bond over films and stuff since he's a film maker and you're going to film school to be a script writer.

You and Drake don't get along at all. You're a very kind and gentle person and Drake always pokes fun at you and sees how far he can push you. It pissises Filex to no end and he doesn't let anything Drake says slide. “Apologize to my girlfriend, or I’ll rip your tongue out and make you eat it…”

He's very protective and loving towrds you. If you're walking around somewhere together he's holding your hand the whole time. He makes sure to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door and he's not afraid to defend you from his siblings.

Like I said he's very loving, which would be a suprise to some people. He always wants to hug you and kiss you, he's touch starved and doesn't like much space between the two of you.

For the purposes of this fic, the invasion didn't happen.

I think Felix's mom would secretly favor you and Erin the most. Felix and Crispin are secretly mama's boys, Felix is more willing to admit(to you only). I think it would really piss Kelly off, you and Erin are both down to earth people and kind hearted and Felix's mom just really loves that about the two of you.

Felix's mom would also always encourage Felix to propose to you and even wanting to help pay for a ring if you and Felix have money problems.

You guys are always playful around each other, Felix would rather do it behind closed doors but if you start messing with him when family is present he'll play along.

He likes to play wrestl with you. He didn't like doing it with his brothers growing up, because drake would take it too far and Crispin would start whining. With you its just so much more fun.

Sometimes he'll just let you win so he can see you happy. His hands go to your waist after you push him back down on his back, straddling him. “Playing dirty now, huh?”

Playfulness Is new to him in some ways, like I said somthings he just didn't want to do with his siblings growing up. So tickling is one thing, one time you hit a ticklish spot in his side while you were wrestling and now you just take advantage of it.

Physical touch is his love language.

You're his favorite stress reliever, in both comfort and sexual way. Sometimes he just needs to cuddle while you play with his hair or he needs a good, rough fuck. “you want to fuck me? Use me till all your frustration is gone?”

He's a rough kisser, he's way taller than you so usually he holds your chin between his fingers and lift for head up to kiss you.

He also loves forehead kisses, it's just so soft and he loves doing gentle gestures like that to you. It just makes your relationship so much more intimate and real to him.

NSFW headcanons:

He's a soft/mean Dom, it just depends on his mood. But no matter what he always makes sure your comfortable. He loves to take control in the bed but would never push you.

He has a tendency to grip the headboard when he's close to cumming.

He has big chocking kink, he won't be too rough about but he loves wrapping his fingers around your neck and feeling your pulse when he's ramming into you.

Loves eating you out,your legs around his head. He loves your legs in general and loves leaving kisses on the insides of your thighs. He'd rather pleasure you for hours than receive.

You guys are very adventurous in the bedroom. You both have definitely gotten messier than usal before.

“You want it harder, baby?” He'll complied with her request, thrusting deeper and faster, causing the bed to shake with your movements. He let out a low groan as he felt your nails dig into his back.

He'll lap at your clit with so much hunger, circling his tounge over your swollen bud until you're a moaning mess. When he thinks he's teased you enough he'll take it into his mouth, eating you out like a starving man until you're cumming hard on his tongue.

He doesn’t keep quiet. A good amount of teasing, dirty talk and the way he grunts...

there's alot of sex in secret with him at his family's place during family get togethers, they're mostly quickies which aren't his favorite but he's never opposed to it.

Bondage kink. He'll tie you up with his belt or anything if you're comfortable with it.

He loves getting head. I feel like he’d like having you on your knees. Plus, feeling your lips around him pushes him closer to cumming in your mouth.

He'll move his hips fast, thrusting himself deeper down your throat, the way you suck him drives him insane “Fuck, baby, your doing so good”

biting your neck just to hear you moan. When you finally give in to him, he'll lay you down on the couch or bed and start peeling your clothes off to reveal your chest.

Even though he's the dominant person in bed he wants to know you have equal control too, if you don't like how rough or fast he's going he'll stop and check on you and make sure you're okay. All he cares about is your pleasure.

[jcinkbabble]

Yo Fox. Are you done now?

TW for self harm/suicide urges and alcoholism. If you can't handle that, please don't read.

There is a painful irony in making a blog like this, in order to call out the harassment campaigns harming people offline, only to be targeted by one myself. The past 24 hours have been pretty educational on just how people react to attempts to change things.

I think this ask perfectly exemplifies it. After a barrage of hate on Tattler, the messages in my inbox, and the asks I've gotten in less than 12 hours, I think making me "done" was the point.

But I am, yes, because after tonight, I need to put the people around me first.

I still believe in a space like this. I still believe in positivity, in change, in doing good. However, the result of just 12 hours was me almost breaking my sobriety. There are bottles of alcohol downstairs right now that I want, that would numb the pain of this. But I am almost 2 years sober, and I fought to stay this way, so I will. The result of the past 12 hours is me remembering where every knife is in this house, and knowing what I could do with them. But I swore off self harm years ago, so many I've lost track, and I won't break that now. And finally, the result of the last 12 hours is knowing exactly how many ways I could kill myself, so no one in this house would have the ability to save me.

To the people sending me threats, wishes of harm, and gleeful desires that I suffer... Y'all are just not okay, are you? I know that pain. I remember being on top of the world, the one doing the hurting, the accusations. It felt good. It made the pain I felt go away, but only when I won. So I had to keep "winning". Which, really translates to just hurting people. Over and over and over until everyone's scared of me, and I feel powerful.

Then I realized that's a shitty fucking high to chase, and all.

I know I made myself a target. I did this to myself. I have no problem accepting that. I'm stubborn, headstrong, and want to make a change for good. I believe honest discussion can make positive change. I still do believe that, but I'm not gonna sit here and continue to let myself and others be harmed for that change.

Yes, anon, I am done now. I know you feel proud of this. I know this is a victory for you. You never really understood that I was never unreachable. You saw me in IC. You knew me. You could have messaged me, talked to me. You could have approached me with your concerns, your frustrations, any response to anything I've said. You chose Tattler, then acted like you had no choice but to sling hate there and in my inbox. Like I made you do that.

But I can tell you right now, not a single one of you has ever approached me about the things said on Tattler tonight, or in my inbox. My first and only intro to the issues an anon stranger has with me, were hate. Hate vitriolic enough to put me on the phone with a crisis line, hate vitriolic to make someone who has endured quite a bit of trauma, flinch this hard. I'm pretty sturdy, but tonight reminded me of the power of hate. Of malice, of gleefully inflicting pain.

You didn't want anything but to drive me - someone you've never interacted with - off the internet and keep Tattler open. I hope you can admit it to yourself. And maybe ask why you chose that route.

I have people relying on me offline. As much as I love the idea of this blog, and want to change things, I can't put them on the backburner for it. And I can't risk my own mental health like this, because they rely on me. Like I told someone else recently, don't stick your hand on the hot stove. You know you're just going to be burned. It's not worth it.

Maybe this blog will make a comeback. Maybe not. Who knows? Maybe some of y'all will make your own, and do a hell of a lot better than I ever did. But if you wanted to make me ashamed, scared, and small, I'm sorry. You failed.

I'm not ashamed. I'm not afraid of you. And if you want to talk to me, I'm right here. Fox Lokison, friends. Come have a chat. I'll still be around, chatting about things. But you'll have to come off anon to actually reach me.

I've posted the last of the positive asks so y'all can reblog and interact with them, because I feel like they're discussions worth having. The people coming here to do good should get their chance at being heard. Turning off anon asks now, though. For all the decent asks, there's multiple bad ones.

To Tattler - your blog has hurt a lot of people. And while I know some of your followers think it's deserved, tonight I almost took my life over the crime of opening a blog criticizing your blog, because of the hate you allowed on your platform, and the people coming from it, into my inbox. I do wonder what crime would have deserved that end. I wonder what you'll do if your blog does push someone past the threshold.

Let's hope none of us find out.

[uncloseted]

how to actively let go of shame and actually love yourself? mantras and affirmations feel so phony and my thoughts actively work to combat them almost, i feel so ashamed of my past and my mistakes that i feel like i can’t overcome them and i can’t love myself because of them? i know it’s important but how to actually make changes that don’t feel superficial, i’m not beautiful or smart or worthy so those mantras make me feel worse :/

Anonymous asked:

How to learn to love yourself and feel worthy in practical ways? Self love and mantras always seem like a mindset I can't learn or truly believe, due to my bad choices and also being treated as unworthy and unimportant and stupid it feels weird to say "i'm worthy, I deserve good things, I deserve love" when I've been show so many time that I'm not and I don't; both by my own failures and actions and by those around me, how do i practically build up self love and confidence in a way that sticks and doesn't feel like phony or like it doesn't apply to me bc I've done such bad things and I was born bad? I know a lot of my fucks ups were due to insecurity and shame and jealousy so I know i need to work on myself, but how?

Anonymous asked:

how to love yourself despite your own past and fuckups? I find it so hard to love myself and develop good self esteem when i can see in my flaws and mistakes and all i know is people treating me less than worthy, i don't feel like self love mantras apply to me because i'm not a good person or beautiful or worthy, and the things i've done and what i am and the way i've been treated prove that, but i know lacking self loves leads to envy and bad choices for me, how i do improve this?

It seems like this is something you're really struggling with and that's really impacting your life. If you can, I would really recommend looking for a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. Mental health professionals have training that can help them figure out what kinds of therapy will work for you and come up with strategies to help you start loving and appreciating yourself. If you're in the US, most health insurance plans do cover therapy, so I would start there. They should have a list of the therapists that are covered in network. PsychologyToday also has a great therapist finder that lets you get a better sense of what different therapists are like, what kinds of therapy they do, and the approach that they take. If your insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are also lower-cost online services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, Calmerry, Alma, and Open Path Collective. If you're a teenager, Teen Counseling is also an option. Working through our feelings is hard, but it's easier when we have someone on our team who can help us figure out what the next step is and keep our progress on track.

Positive Self Talk

All that said, like I was talking about here, I think figuring out how to forgive yourself and, eventually, learn how to love yourself is a process that takes time. As much as I wish there was, there's no magic bullet for self esteem. Building yourself back up, no matter what approach you take, will feel stupid and false at first. When we've spent our entire lives believing one thing about ourselves, we can't just flip a switch and believe something else. Our brains will push back on trying to change the way that we think because our brains truly believe that those thoughts are keeping us safe. But the more that we challenge those beliefs that we have about ourselves and the more that we repeat the alternatives to ourselves, the easier it becomes to start considering that it's possible they're true, and eventually the easier it becomes to believe them.

I want to be clear that I'm not saying you should recite mantras to yourself in the mirror every morning (although that can work, too). Maybe right now, that's way too much. Instead, I would try to notice when you're having a negative thought about yourself such as "I was born bad" and then gently suggest an alternative to yourself. "Is it possible that I wasn't born bad because nobody is born a bad person?" Even if you immediately reject that idea, just considering it is a start. Every time you have the thought that you were born a bad person, just gently ask yourself to consider that maybe nobody was born a bad person. The more times you do that, the more you might be able to get to "nobody is born bad." And then if you keep asking yourself to consider that nobody is born bad, you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person." The more times you ask yourself to consider the possibility that you weren't born a bad person, then you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person. Is it possible that I developed these maladaptive coping skills due to something in my childhood or the way I was raised?" It's a long and often slow process, but eventually you can get to "I did the things I did because [insert thing here- didn't have the tools to cope with feelings of jealousy/felt like I always had to look out for myself because nobody else was going to/was raised to feel ashamed of myself for being who I am/whatever], and although that doesn't make my actions okay, I can forgive myself for not having acted differently." And from there, eventually you can get to, "I am worthy of love and respect despite the things that I did." And from there, then maybe you can start looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "I am worthy! I deserve good things! I deserve love!" But you can't just jump into the deep end with things like this; you have to take it one baby step at a time.

Other Therapies

All that said, for some people, therapies that are focused on challenging thought patterns can be really hard. If that's the case for you, it might work better to take an approach that focuses on acceptance. There are two main therapies in this group- "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" and "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy". As I said before, it's best if you can find a therapist who specializes in this kind of therapy and who can help you work through your thoughts and feelings. But if that's not a possibility, there are some at-home resources you can use to help yourself.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is designed to help you manage difficult, intense emotions and to better handle interpersonal relationships. There are some good self-help DBT resources here and here. DBT has four core skills that build on each other:

Mindfulness: these are skills that are focused on being present in the current moment. Mindfulness includes things like observing your thoughts and feelings without judgement, doing a mental scan of your body from head to toe, noticing the emotions you're experiencing and describing them, and exercises where you focus on your breathing. Mindfulness helps us realize that our emotions are impermanent, which allows us to better regulate them when we're experiencing negative emotions.

Distress Tolerance: these are skills that are focused on helping you learn to cope with distressing emotions and difficult situations. Distress tolerance includes things like making a list of distracting activities for when you feel yourself headed into an emotional crisis, using grounding techniques (like describing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste), and other methods of self soothing. In your case, the distress tolerance skill of radical acceptance might be particularly useful, since it focuses on accepting and making peace with things that cannot be changed, like past events, and letting go of the distress we hold because of those events. Distress tolerance skills allow us to be more confident and resilient in our day to day lives.

Emotional Regulation: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your emotions, change negative emotions, and increase the number of positive emotions you have. Emotional regulation involves things like recognizing and naming the emotions that you're experiencing, accepting that your emotions are valid, identifying distortions in your patterns of thinking, practicing feeling uncomfortable, and coming up with a plan for when difficult situations arise.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your relationships with other people. Interpersonal effectiveness involves things like identifying your communication style, learning how to listen attentively and validate other people's emotions, and how to build trust in relationships. These skills allow us to build a support network of people who can build us up when we don't feel like we can do it ourselves.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) asks us to view "negative" emotions like sadness, anger, and jealousy as a natural part of life, accept that these feelings are appropriate responses to situations that we're put in, and to commit to changing our behaviors so they're in line with our values. There are some good self-help resources for ACT here and here. The book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris is also a really popular starting place. ACT has six core skills:

Acceptance: as with DBT, acceptance is a big part of ACT. In ACT, acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing difficult emotions without judgement or trying to change them.

Mindfulness: also as with DBT, mindfulness is a big part of ACT. The skills you'll build here are similar to the ones I mentioned above- observing your emotions and thoughts without judgement, meditation, doing a mental scan of your body, and breathing exercises.

Cognitive Defusion: Cognitive defusion involves distancing yourself from your thoughts and feelings, which leads you to change how you react to them and to have a more objective perspective on them. Instead of assuming that our thoughts and emotions are true, this skill teaches us to ask whether the thoughts and feelings we have are true. Techniques for this skill can include things like singing our thoughts, noticing the automatic reaction we have to certain thoughts or feelings, or using language to distance ourselves from those thoughts and feelings (For example, "I'm noticing that I'm having the feeling that I was born a bad person" instead of "I was born a bad person").

Self as Context or The Observing Self: This skill asks us to recognize that our physical and emotional states are temporary. As people, we're more than just our emotions, thoughts, and experiences. Because we are not our emotions or thoughts, we can choose how we react to the emotions and thoughts that we have. Exercises in this group can include things like exploring the roles we play in our day-to-day lives and noticing the things that stay consistent throughout those role switches that we experience.

Values: This skill asks us to identify what our personal values are. When we know what our values are and are trying our best to live in line with them, it's easier to avoid acting from a place of negativity (like shame, jealousy, anger, and fear).

Committed Action: finally, committed action asks us to create long-term goals that are in line with our values. What are the concrete steps you would need to take in order to align with your values and positively impact your life?

Final Thoughts

I know this all probably feels like a lot of work, and I would imagine that some of it doesn't feel immediately relevant to your pressing concern. But by learning these skills, either thought positive self-talk, DBT, or ACT, it will become easier to accept your past, tolerate your discomfort with the person that you used to be, change the way that you think and feel about yourself, and change the way that you interact with the world moving forward.

[grimvr]

Hello,

thank you for being so open about your mental health. It has a healing effect on me knowing I am not alone in this hell...I struggle with a lot of anxiety (among many other struggles) that can make it really heard to function. I always feel a lot of shame when people ask about my life and why I am not as productive as most society is. I am at school (uni) and most people work at the same time and i always feel ashamed that I am barely able to keep up with school even if I have much more time than others. I also find it heard having to constatly bring up my struggle when being asked why I don't have a day job like most people...

How are you dealing with being more limited than most people due to mental illness? Are you able to detach yourself from other people's judgement? You seem confortable talking about your illness, is there a way to feel less ashamed about it?

i know it can be hard to release yourself from other peoples expectations, societal expectations. i think it can take a while and is something you have to actively work at. comparison is futile. every person is different, the way we navigate the world is different, the hands we're dealt are different. you may not be moving through the world in the same way your peers are and thats okay. how boring would the world be if we were all on the exact same trajectory.

mental illness can be a difficult thing to explain to people in our lives. if they don't get it, they likely never will. you can try to have honest conversations with the people closest to you, show them that you are doing the best you can and hope that they will try to be understanding. if these questions are coming from people you don't wish to confide in, feign confidence and assuredness about your timeline. "i'm just focusing on uni right now" is enough, no need to expand.

and in the meantime work on that confidence within yourself. reject the goals placed on you by a maniacally productivity-driven society and restructure your own goals in life. getting out of bed, attending a class, reaching out to a friend. any little thing you can think of that you are able to do, that you feel good about doing - thats what you should aim for. its okay to take it slow. its okay to do your best even if it doesn't match up to what is being pushed on you. who's to say that those expectations lead to any sort of a meaningful life anyway? you can build on your goals in the future, when you are able. but for however long you need, be kind to yourself. you don't need your own voice to be added to the symphony of criticisms around you.

some of the most exceptional people i know, the most creative, kind, and intelligent, struggle with mental illness. there is no shame in being a part of a group like that.

i am glad i could be a small help. you are never alone in this. many of the people around you that seem the most together are likely struggling too, its just not always visible.

be well

x

[lovelythegirl]

hi!! this is my first post and it’s a lil tibit based on my own personal experience and writing usually helps me release those anxieties and thoughts that I’m too scared to share aloud. I’m also not sure if I’m doing this right so please be nice and patient with me. <333

********

I’ve seemed to only run into him on fridays. Sitting in a pleather black couch in the second floor common area, a face mask adorned my mouth watching whatever the other girls streamed from netflix. Not that I paid attention to it. How could I? Though as nostalgic as they are, I’m not all that interested in rewatching those poorly animated Barbie movies from the 2000s as some of my floormates do. Yet, their company was better than none and spending the past six months in quarantine had me realize how much I hate being alone. Besides, I enjoy the ongoing commentary and shared laughter from that odd grouping of girls. It made the ongoing stress of my mental and academic health less daunting.

But back to him, I never planned it, it’s not as if I wait with my legs curled up on top of another as I rest my laptop on the meat of my thighs waiting for him to come through that heavy wooden door into the second floor. That divider between worlds since he was a third floor kid. We had a lot of mutual friends, and one of them has the reputation of being Ferris Bueller of the dorms with his door always open and booze always flowing. So it was common for anyone and everyone to stumble upon Daniels room on any given moment during friday and saturday nights.

Yet, when he comes into the common room no matter how bright that lumiating stark lights might be, he makes them shine brighter. So I’d sit on that black couch like I always seem to do during the evenings, with the same groups of girls, face mask on and a front row seat position to the second floor door. Skinny pop fresh and buttery in a mixing bowl on the coffee table in front of us. More laughter from The Princess and the Pauper as it plays on the big screen, the light tapping from the keys of my Macbook as I edit the last paragraph of my gendered studies paper, and through all the noise, there it is. Suddenly as it is almost expected, the heavy door of the second floor opens and my eyes, the only eyes paying attention, look up and there he is.

Oversized Football hoodie adorned on his body, jeans, and sneakers. I stand from the couch, and like a child greeting a parent after they’ve come home from work, I come towards the door.

“Jesse!” I call, and with mutual open arms I embrace him.

“How are you?” I would ask. He responds positively and asks the same of me. I’d tell him that I’ve been good as well, then we’d part ways. I’d go back to the pleather couch blushing through the RGB face mask and he’d walk his way to Daniel's room for the usual weekend kick back.

It never phased the girls I’d sit with. They would never question it. Eyes never leaving the screen and I liked it that way. Not that I was embarrassed about liking Jesse, there was nothing I was ashamed about when it came to my feelings for him. It was more about not being comfortable with talking about my infatuation because what if he gets word of it and doesn’t feel the same way? I’ve never been in a relationship before because I was never desirable enough for the generation I grew up with, the kids in my town. I was “too weird” or “too fat” for them to even give me the time of day. When I muster up the nerve to tell a crush that I’ve liked them, it always resulted in snickering or straight up grimaces. Growing into my new maturity physically and mentally, I knew my worth now as something beautiful, but part of me still feels blinded by others' attraction. Or even signs if someone even likes me back. Since I was so immune to it before, what if I’m over thinking or overlooking the signs? How do you really know if someone actually likes you back? There aren't enough questions for me to ask Wiki How to get the answers I need. I’d ask my friends but I’m embarrassed about how naive I am. They’re all beautiful women with their lists of past and current partners, and I have this irrational fear of them making fun of me. That I'm some prudent virgin. It sounds silly, trust me I’m very aware. If these girls made fun of me, then they’re not really my friends are they? However those thoughts still linger and somehow I’m oddly comfortable with the embracement of his arms and the “hi, how are you?” between us. Never wanting it to go further, because I don’t want to lose what I have. Don’t want to lose that comfortability between us into something more for the fear of the “what ifs.” What if he’s just a nice guy, what if he doesn’t like me back, what if he likes someone else. I keep myself steady into what I already know. Which is a warm hug and short conversation once a week where I wait until the next friday for him to come down to the second floor and into Daniel’s room.

Yet there are weekends where I would randomly see him later on in the evening where we’re both a tad inebriated off of cheap liquor and watered down beer. Our conversations would drift more loosely, but come the next day I couldn’t remember what we talked about, only that I knew that I talked to Jesse the night before, and I would wake up with a terrible hangover and a loose smile on my face. Drunk on him, hoping that maybe he feels the same way.

[nowaytoheaven2]

I couldn’t count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn’t count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there’s clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn’t count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu’s, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return 'favour’

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven’t felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn’t matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn’t feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn’t notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn’t there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signaled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was falling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all

Was I neglected as a child? Checklist

Bold if you experienced it, italicize if you’re not sure. If you read a line and it rings true for you, but you think ‘that’s my fault because I never said anything’, bold that line! This is about your experience, not blame assignment. (tw for painful content ahead)

Physical neglect

I couldn’t count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn’t count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there’s clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn’t count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu’s, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return 'favour’

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven’t felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn’t matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn’t feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn’t notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn’t there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signalled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was failling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all

If you have bolded more than 4 of these, you have experienced neglect, and you were forced to struggle alone thru experiences that you were not meant to handle or survive on your own. Neglect is the type of abuse that will have the most disastrous consequences on your trust in people, your relationships, self worth, feeling of community, and will ensure that everything you were put thru is unexpressed, unresolved, and weighing down on your life. You did not deserve to be neglected like this, and none of the above is the result of your behaviour. You were not supposed to be put thru any of this alone, much less as a child.

[fiveamandawake]

in the spirit of using this blog as the vent and journal it was created as:

I don't know how to end this friendship. I'd like to do it kindly, while being completely clear that I'd prefer for him not to contact me again.

This is someone who doesn't have other friends, and who depends on me for i) emotional validation, ii) guidance, iii) motivation to get better. We were friends, then briefly in a relationship, then friends again after I moved across the planet into a literal hellscape of grief and terror to which my own depression contributed its own tang.

I haven't been in regular contact with him. I've been ghosting him, more or less, since I got here in 2020. The thing is, I've been ghosting all of my friends and all my family that I don't live in the same building with, without exception. I gave everyone who I'm close to a general explanation of the difficulties of my life at present, and to some of them (him included) I also offered some of the more painful details as explanation for why my mental health didn't allow for consistent contact anymore. I know it's a shoddy way to treat your friends, but I have been doing my best (in therapy and out of it) to get over my weird fear of contacting my own friends, and getting nowhere with it.

So, me: radio silent, mostly. Him: writing letters begging for updates, telling me about how it's too hard to try and overcome his depression without my support, saying that he can't stop thinking about me, saying he's doing badly and needs help, talking about how I was causing him worry and distraction by not "letting him in" and sharing my own problems.

I am going to be fair to him by saying I knew about this aspect of his character from early on in our acquaintance, and at the time I enjoyed how cherished it made me feel. How adored. He was, and is, constant, loyal, in every way wanting to be there to support me through my troubles the way we used to help each other through them before.

However, things have changed. Specifically, years of handling back-to-back problems quite beyond what a person just reaching her twenties ought to deal with have changed me from the person he knew to someone harder and hollower, less prone to kindness. I'm chronically ill now, my mental health is autumn-leaf-trembling-on-a-twig fragile, and I'm unemployed and stranded away from employment opportunities with my money running out mainly because I can't rely on my own body and mind not to let me down in an emigration situation.

These changes in me have led to a much lowered self esteem. With most of my friends, I stuggle to reach out across the months and years and share my troubles because I am ashamed of having done this to myself, sunk so irreparably low and despairing so wholly that words of encouragement or consolation feel inadequate as a response. I don't give them the grace of knowing me as I am now, and still trying to love me. I'd prefer they bear in mind the gentle, whimsical person who I was in university and before that. With him, who knew me and loved me at a low point and who I know would love me still if I gave him the chance, I don't know just what my problem is.

I only know that above all, his persistence and insistence in that I let him in, that I engage with his life and that I tell him about mine, has caused a perverse repulsion in addition to the shame that drives me to hide from those who cared about me. I can't, but with him I also don't want to. I don't want to know him anymore, though he continues to be kind and attentive, with a mind I find delightfully beautiful in its contours, troubles and all.

It's a strange reason for breaking off a friendship: I can't be the support you need, and I refuse to open up to let you support me. Perhaps, later, in less dire times, I will come to regret losing this dark pearl by throwing him back into the open waters. Maybe I will miss him.

Right now, though, his messages continue to dig at me with guilt. I cannot and also will not want to change my actions in the short term. These messages continue to pitch increasingly towards melodramatic "so this is it, then, you're abandoning our friendship", which I can understand to a degree after 4 years of rarely and reluctantly broken silence on my part, but which annoys and exasperates me to a much greater degree. None of my other friends, though I've known most of them much longer than him and been just as close to many of them, are wailing and tearing out their hair in my inbox every few days. They heard "I still care about you, and if you send me messages I'll read them lovingly even if I can't respond. I'll be in touch when I can," and they took it at face value. Why couldn't he?

I am his only friend, this brilliant, high-achieving person, this closed-off, troubled figure who holds a world of consideration and devotion closely guarded in him. I don't want to disappear permanently from his life, not when his messages to me provide at least an unanswered outlet for his feelings, but I am not a door to be knocked on incessantly, and I tire of the emotional appeals which I cannot answer, and which make me feel terrible each time I cannot answer them.

I think, though it will be painful to him, the healthier thing to do is to stop our association altogether. Maybe in the years to come, if I am ever better myself, I will feel the rupture to be painful myself. But he needs to find new friends, try for new loves, and experience the failures and occasional successes of life's social encounters for himself. My friendship, weak, pale thing that it is nowadays, is not enough to sustain a whole person. I doubt he will let go of it and go out to seek new instances of live or friendship if things remain as they are. I have no wish to string him along, and so it must end here.

[psychosomatist]

Talking to my ED therapist today and she said that it can be hard when people get physically sick like this because we can't hide it from other people anymore. I'm really fucking sick and hiding it isn't working. I adopted a cat and she's younger than I thought with more energy and she is still in my room with me all the time and it makes it hard to sleep. I'm ashamed to ask for help socializing her but I know I need to. I'm in PHP all day.

Last night I went over to Julio's and just wanted for things to be normal and they more or less were. Better actually. It had been like a month since seeing him. We talked and joked a lot and he asked me how I'm really doing. He said it's like pulling teeth to get me to say how I really am sometimes and I said I'd be more honest. He said he'll be more open telling me things about himself. 4 months in and I've asked him about his writing before but he never told me he's written a fair amount of published articles and went to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria to interview people.

But yeah I was afraid we wouldn't have anything in common still or there would be nothing between us anymore but that didn't happen. Instead I just felt really close to him. We talked for a long time, joked a lot. I like that he and I can have real talk without it feeling touchy feely in a way I don't like. Its hard to explain. I think like... it doesn't feel like he "holds space" so much as that the space is there and he's in the same space. He said he doesn't judge me for having essentially done this to myself when I asked and said he gets it when it comes to mental health issues. Then later said that he doesn't want to talk to a therapist who's not fucked up and asked me when I'm finishing school. So that made me feel a lot better.

We had really good sex for a long time, mostly vanilla, which was probably best for me with health stuff rn. It was really sweet, he just did a lot for me and kissed me a lot. He is the best fucking kisser.

Idk I just like our dynamic a lot. He's the only partner I've had as an adult who really treats me like an equal and who I feel listens to me. He can call me pretty and stuff because I know he sees me as a guy, but he sees me as the kind of guy that I am, a boy not a man. And like even though I like to bottom he doesn't make me feel like shit or hurt me. I don't know I just feel respected and valued. And I don't have to pull punches with saying "dark" stuff and neither does he, we don't sit and wallow in it or spin out though.

But yeah he said he'll be here for me and that he cares about me deeply. I don't know why but I trust him about feelings stuff in a way I don't trust many. I think it's because he's never fazed by things. He just accepts it and handles his own feelings around it and listens and genuinely wants to know, and he doesn't make me feel different after talking about it. Not sure, he's just a good listener. I can be vulnerable with him and he still respects me after. Idk I'm just glad that he and I still connected bc I was afraid we wouldn't.

When I was actually honest with him I said that being in there fucked me up and I'm not really ok right now and really sick a lot of the time and angrier than I've been in a long time honestly.

But I also said sometimes things just fuck you up and that's true.

But seeing him made me feel a lot better about everything. He's just really comforting to me.

Anyway. I started writing this post from the bathroom floor at 1:30am after waking in the night and puking my guts out. I'm trying to think of something nice. I have refeeding syndrome which put me in the ER the other night. Couldn't keep anything down until about a half hour ago at 11am and that's only a couple sips of water. I slept on the bathroom floor so I could wake up and throw up, I felt too weak to move + moving makes me nauseous + didn't want to wake my housemates so I was in the bathroom in the basement.

I can't believe how bad recovery has been so far. It's worse than getting sober was. I didn't think it could be. I didn't think I'd get this sick.

I was/am afraid I'd have to go to the ER again. Two days ago I didn't get seen for 12 hours. I know they were busy, it just wasn't what I needed and in the grand scheme made me worse bc I skipped eating and drinking for most of 3pm-6am bc I was on the waiting room and out of it. I'm glad I went because I know my heart probably isn't gonna stop now and they gave me fluids. That's all they'd do this time too if i went and tbh I'm not even good to drive this time. Earlier it was really bad, I couldn't move without gagging. But I'm able to get some Gatorade down now too. I'm hoping that I can just try to keep drinking things and get my fluids up again. It's dangerous for me to be dehydrated right now. But going to the ER is a last resort. I'm hoping I can get a Zofran prescription, I've been trying to fucking get one. It's hard to try and navigate all this by myself, operating at reduced capacity. I keep forgetting important things.

***

Later- got a scrip from my old doctor for Zofran thank fuck. About to drink some ensure. Cheers.

[trailmixedup]

Coming to terms with the realization that I am asexual has been really difficult.

I was an extraordinarily hypersexual child and teenager- the concept of sex fascinated me and it became an admittedly really concerning milestone.

My complicated relationship with gender and sexuality started at 13 and combined with my mental health crashing and burning, masturbation ended up being the only way I could calm my body and mind down enough to go to sleep. I started hyper-sexualizing myself in social situations and online in an attempt to build a false sense of confidence and ended up further traumatized and ashamed.

Then I started hormones the month after my 18th birthday. I felt validated that people were paying attention to me- I was finally on T and was on the tail end of a gnarly ED relapse that had me at my most stereotypically attractive. I lost my virginity to a stranger in a pathetic, shameful hookup. He was rough, unemotional and unskilled. He took a nap in my bed after I made him cum and then left and never spoke to me again.

After that experience I started questioning my identity- I hadn’t ever explored asexuality because my chronic reliance on the endorphins created by masturbation had me convinced that there was no way I could be ace. I was starting college though, and that stress mixed with starting ED recovery and a sudden onset depressive episode meant that I had to postpone my self exploration.

I went out with a guy from my college briefly early 2023, he was inexperienced and uneducated on anything to do with the things that made up my personality. A week after our first kiss he asked me if “we were ever going to have sex” and I froze. I shrugged, told him I didn’t know, probably? and tried to ignore the panic and disgust I felt at the idea. I broke up with him about a week later because that expectation was looming and he just didn’t understand the things I need him to.

I threw myself into my job and resolutely ignored everything else over the summer- I didn’t have time to think about anything, let alone try to puzzle out the increasing frequency of post orgasm crashes and the bone-deep feeling of wrongness and crawling disgust I felt after getting off.

Then I listened to the Magnus archives for the first time. It took me about 7 shifts at work- I work 9 hour night shifts so the binge was easy. Jon’s asexuality opened an unexpected gaping wound in the fabric of my being. After I finished my first listen through, I started reading a shit ton of fanfiction, because why wouldn’t I, and the exploration of Jon’s asexuality made that wound rip wider. The amount of varied representation of asexual subtypes in TMA fanfiction felt like a radical acceptance I’ve never felt before. I got sucked into the welcoming arms of non-sexual intimacy and sex-neutral storylines and the practice of non-sexual bdsm. It felt like a limb I didn’t know I had stopped being numb.

I don’t think I ever really was interested in sex, never really experienced sexual attraction. I think I’m starving, rabid for non-sexual intimacy and unrelenting trust. The realization that the painful yearning has been for closeness and tenderness the entire time rather than the messy affair of sex makes me ache. I spent so long fumbling through a fascination with the mechanics of sex only to shatter any expectation I ever had by not wanting it.

It’s also terribly isolating because I can’t help but wonder if this is just another aspect of the autism- if my obsession and hyper-sexuality was just a hormone-addled attempt to puzzle out a lack of sexual attraction and my need to be cared about. I also can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t emotionally neglected for such a long time if I would experience sexual attraction or if I would have come to this realization earlier because there would be less of a need for closeness.

For now I’m happy enough to finally have things make a little more sense. Thanks Jon.

[dearme7]

What does depression do?How does it make you feel?What it does?

It comes sometimes without warning! ⚠️ You feel like a light on a candle just waiting for it to happen to you to come and just burn your light out, and you feel nothing but the pain when it struck you, and your like what just happened why do I feel so Terrible all of a sudden, and everything was just fine a few minutes ago. Your mind is shattered into peices and you feel like your scrabbling just to pick them all up, your body is psychically drained of no energy and you can't explain why you think I must have too much caffeine or the kids worn me out today, nope your wrong it's something else you can't put your finger on or wrap your head around it and things just fall from there things only get worse, everything you do seems like you can't take it no more it's unbarable now, even the smallest task isn't easy to do anymore and it's getting to you the toll of it, the depression makes me feel jumpy or exhausted it makes me isolate from everyone you know shut up and shut out and I don't like it, it's like it is taking a part of myself away trying to make me become quiet and just go into the dark and not come out of it and that can be a dangerous place to be honest because at this point your fighting to survive just to get through the day! Sometimes, my depression is a dull-witted sloth, batting at me with sloppy arms as I go about my business. Occasionally, my depression is a roaring monster, shredding me from the inside out, while I fight back with every ounce of my strength, at the same time still I try to smile and be there for the children and my husband and my friends church God ECT it's a never ending force of darkness that I'm trying to find the Light through, because I know each dawn when I face my demons no matter the prescriptions or therapy will never ultimately be sufficient, that I will always, fundamentally, fight this battle on my own.

What does Anxiety do?How does it make you feel? What it does?

You start to second guess every thought and your actions wondering if your doing things the right way and you begin to judge yourself and how you act and you use words to excuse yourself like I am tired, I don't want to go out today maybe next time, or maybe if they found someone better than me they'd be happier, or I can never be good enough for myself or to anyone, what am I still doing here? Your failure nothing you do or say can make a difference now or change who you are, you're a disappointment to everyone you can't do anything right anymore, nobody cares about you your so selfish why can't you just focus on your responsibilities and not your own well-being and forget all about what's going on, just sit down and shut up because nobody wants to hear you speak, ECT and then you just become less and less of yourself you forget who you are and you act like a Robot so that instead of living you just exist your just there to make everyone happy and over time you put on this mask and when you are completely alone you cry your eyes out, and your still screaming on the inside for someone to say I see you I actually see you, you don't have to hide it run from it fake it or be ashamed anymore I know exactly how you feel you just want somebody to listen somebody to care about you, your tired of feeling invisible your tired of the motions because believe me it's hard to even smile anymore it's hard to admit things are not okay when they aren't this is the ugly truth this is the real deal this is the open and honesty about mental health issues and illness nobody wants to talk about but I'm here I have it I'm going through it this is my secret this is my battle everyday this is who I am and if nobody can accept me if nobody wants that if nobody can handle it then that's okay I'll be there for those who don't have a voice I'll be there for those who feel alone I'll be there for those that didn't make it that suffered long enough because nobody opened their eyes and really saw you or me nobody really asked questions How are you really? Like be honest with yourself are you okay today?

To those who are fighting this everyday!

Love DearMe ❤️

[halfmoondaze]

Bloom Later

this is part 2 of Come Back to Earth

Content Warning: Mentions of depression  

The past couple of days haven’t been easy, but Jack's support has made this healing process less daunting.

I’ve been trying to get back into having other interests besides painting, and I find that I was good at baking. I've also been attending therapy sessions which have done wonders for my mental health and made me have a different outlook on life.

However, there have been days where I would feel so mad at myself for spending too much time in that state of depression that I would think about going back to that dark place, but Jack was always there to remind me about the progress I’ve made and how proud he was of me.  

Still, for some reason, I couldn’t help but suspect my family and Jack were mad at me. Like, if I was being a burden to them which caused me to feel ashamed. I also find myself saying sorry way too much. I was craving for constant reassurance and emotional support.

Today was a very important day because it was my last therapy session before being released. Jack was so happy for me and couldn’t stop smiling all morning. He even cooked breakfast for me instead of ordering takeout; something he was able to achieve with the help of a video tutorial. It was a simple breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon, and toast; but I was appreciative for his efforts, nevertheless.

After taking a shower, I noticed the house was too quiet. As I stepped out of the shower I found a note in the bathroom mirror.

good morning bubs

I had to run to the studio to work on some things, but I should be back by the time you get home. good luck with your therapy session!

Love you

I smiled at the last sentence and then proceeded to get ready.

When I arrived back home there was still no sign of Jack as his car wasn’t in the driveway. You brushed it off thinking he was probably on his way back.

I open the door and ­–

SURPRISE!!

I was shocked to say the least, but I was also feeling so overwhelmed I could cry right now of happiness.

It was a small gathering with your family and close friends.

“What are we celebrating?”

“You, silly. You got released from therapy today and what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t celebrate this big achievement?” he said as he wrapped his arms around you to hug you.

“We are so proud of you sweetie” your mom said.

I walked over to my parents and gave them a hug.

I had the lovelies time catching up with my friends and family, which is something I couldn’t do while I was depressed. And for the first time in a while, I was enjoying myself, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this happy.

Once everyone left, you find yourself in the bathroom removing your make-up while Jack was standing nearby listening to you talking about all your highlights of the evening.

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself”

“But seriously thank you”

“For what?”

“For helping me through this”

“You don’t have to thank me, this was all you”

“Yea but you were there for me and you were so patient and supportive the entire time”

He walked over to me and gave me a kiss on top of my head.

“I’ll always be here for you”

[phoenixyfriend]

I'd like to hear ur thoughts on a sex pollen au! ^_^

OKAY COOL I actually have been having many thoughts, most of which are pretty disjointed, and I’m tossing them under a cut. Thank you for giving me an excuse to share them.

This started with me going “I have a fucked up fic desire, I'm scared to look to see if it exists because if it does then it's probably not going to be done in a way I can stomach, let alone enjoy...”

But you know what, let’s talk about it.

So as a general rule, I can see the Anakin and Rex being like "Ah, you're hot, but one of us is in committed monogamy and the other is functionally a slave to the Republic, so we'll just high-five and move on with our goddamn lives because there's a war to fight."

The three kinds of fics I want to read with this in mind are like

Less fucked up: Padme urges Anakin to find release where and when he can, ends up with an arrangement to have sex with Rex whenever they're feeling wound up, which Padme is entirely open to happening (and on her end IDK one of the handmaidens), but there's a running undercurrent of 'is this really okay?' for Anakin because of the limited freedom the clones have and fraternization laws and all that fun stuff

More fucked up: Rex is quietly lusting after Anakin but doesn't actually ever acknowledge it out loud, partly because Padme exists and partly because wow fraternization laws, and Rex is vaguely under the impression that if he asked, Anakin would fuck him, but only out of guilt for the slave army situation, because what's Star Wars without a mess of ethical bullshit? Except then Rex gets hit by some sex pollen, and needs to get fucked to survive (or at least to not be in a whole lot of pain), and the only person he actually wants that way is Anakin, if only because everyone else in the area is either a brother or Ahsoka (who is baby), and like... obviously, Anakin's going to help however he can, but the ability to consent is muddled on both ends due to the coercion and reluctance etc.

Still fucked up: The same as number 2, but Anakin’s the one that gets hit with sex pollen.

I was prompted with that last one on discord and ended up SPIRALLING around "Anakin is hit by sex pollen, only sapient individuals in reach are clones (ethical violation), Ahsoka (BABY), and the natborn officers (they'd all refuse); Rex offers, both angst"

Various lovely angst options, including

Anakin initially tries to refuse by insisting he can't cheat on Padme, Kix (who is monitoring the health situation until someone gets their sexy on) just straight up calls her and says "Hi, your husband is going to be in extreme pain for several days unless he gets fucked and we don't have time to get back to Coruscant. It's not usually lethal but he's going to feel like he's on fire for all that time, partly because of a significant fever. Please give him permission to sleep with someone because this isn't actually safe to ignore." Padme is. Well aware of the clone situation and asks who's volunteering, then asks to speak with Rex directly to make sure HE wants this, and not that he's just volunteering because he feels like he has no choice. Eventually she's at least convinced that Rex is doing this as a "Help out my bro because he's in pain" thing, rather than a "help out my CO because that's what I'm for" thing, gives permission, but also says "And the Captain is coming to dinner when you're on leave." (Rex legit likes Anakin That Way in this scenario, but he can't TELL her that.) (Even though that's what she's LOOKING FOR.)

Anakin's "get out of ethical jail free" card has been stamped and voided, he cannot opt out of Destroying A Friendship By Hurting Someone, begs Rex to let down his mental shields so he can at least Know that Rex wants this, really, and that's enough to get us to a fade to black.

Anakin avoids Rex for days because he feels terrible, and Rex keeps wanting to apologize because he feels terrible, the clones are all confused, that's obviously all fun and games until Rex eavesdrops on Anakin demanding Kix tell him who else knows, did anyone tell the natborn officers

First assumption is obviously "he's ashamed of sleeping with a clone" but Rex isn't stupid enough to leave before he's eavesdropped to the end of the topic, but the actual reality is much worse, because it's a legitimate fear: Anakin's worried that if the natborn officers find out a clone slept with a Jedi because the Jedi "needed" it, someone'll take it as blanket permission to proposition the clones, and the clones... don't legally have the right to refuse, because they're not people.

Even if the clones do have the right to refuse (which Anakin is adamant they do, all of them, under his command and that of any Jedi), the natborn officers might twist a situation and leverage threats, etc, just because they want some fun.

Anakin's panicking, Rex is worrying, the clones are all Very Hush Hush about this. The Jedi Council was informed of the incident and Anakin's insisting that it not get reported anywhere beyond the clones involved and the Council reviewing it for the aforementioned ethical violations, because he does not want to become the precedent that people use to assault clones that way.

IDK probably this gets twisted into Palpatine trying to convince Anakin that it was Fine, Actually in a way that Anakin later confesses to Padme makes him feel uncomfortable and she's like "darling... that's fucked up, he shouldn't have said that and all your guilt comes from a place of caring for your friend right now, you need to talk to Rex and ask if he wants to be transferred if he's uncomfortable sharing a ship with a commander he slept with for reasons beyond your control, it's a bad situation all around and the Chancellor trying to alleviate your worries by telling you what he did was actually really bad, don't listen to him" and that snowballs into Anakin doubting everything Sheev tells him and IDK fix-it somewhere in there

Poly, yay

BUT THE TERRIBLE THOUGHT WAS MOSTLY ANAKIN WORRYING ABOUT NATBORN OFFICERS TRYING TO USE THE INCIDENT AS PRECEDENT FOR ORDERING CLONES TO GRANT THEM SEXUAL FAVORS

It’s likely that natborn officers were already coercing clones into sexual relations where the Jedi couldn’t keep control over the situation, but the thing is that if word got out that a Jedi did it, that a Jedi was treating a clone like that, that a Jedi implicitly approved...

[dusterson]

!! UNDER RENOVATION !!

NOSꓤƎꓕSՈᗡDUSTERSON

█ post season 4 AU of DUSTIN HENDERSON In which the world ends, and the story ends in a full party wipe-out.

█ post apocalyptic; cosmic & eldritch horror; psychological horror

with voyages into disability, mental health, queerness, and parental abuse (enmeshment, abandonment)

21+ mun | semi selective | slow activity

⇉ (mobile) character info ;

⇉ (mobile) verse timeline ;

⇊ rules below the cut ⇊

Mun is over the age of 21, muse is under the age of 18 in canon material. Mature themes concerning violence, mental health, ableism, abuse, death, etc. will be present.

           THE RULE OF LAW

01 : DON'T BE A DICK.

this is a heavily alternate-universe iteration of Dustin. please read the Character Info page. highly selective in following back, however non-mutual asks are more than welcome.

this blog/muse is old-school multiverse ; all interactions with this muse affect him universally, with the exception of AUs (i.e. modern!AU, pirate!AU, etc…). interactions with all muses are with the same version of dustin.

OCs, doubles of canon muses (including from other fandoms) are welcome, as are doubles of this same muse i’m writing here. That means throw more Dustins at me. Please. We will be unstoppable. please let there be Chaos.  P l  e a s e ,

for the love of god do not try to drag me into whatever hot-topic drama anon-hate callout bullshit is going around this week. i will hermit. my response will be some form of "and that's why i go radio silent so often!"

godmoding, metagaming etc. ain’t cool, ooc drama is even less cool, don’t reblog IC posts you’re not involved in, yadda yadda yadda. the muse is not the mun, if my answer’s no then it’s No, i am disabled and have a life outside of rping on tumblr. if you repeatedly poke me for declining something or taking longer than you’d like to write, i’ll just block you. i don't appreciate it.

02 : DON’T BE A GROSS DICK.

do not come to me for smut. do not come for me for shipping when we haven't so much as written a crack rp between our characters. the more we talk OOC and rp actual chemistry/buildup, the more i’ll be open to shipping.

multiship and polyship friendly. in the case of poly it is required both (or more) parties shipping with him agree to such. otherwise, the relationships will not overlap one another icly.

03 : DON’T LET ME BE A DICK!

my post length will vary and i don’t expect you to match or vise versa. i don’t care how you style your posts and i’m lazy about fancying mine. i avoid blogs with post formatting that hinder my vision. most sorry.

any commonly triggering content will be tagged (#example tw), such as gore, abuse, suicide, etc. but don’t be afraid or ashamed to request i tag something specific for you. i don’t care why you want/need it tagged. i’m grouchy, not judgmental

if at any point a thread becomes triggering, or distressing in any way, please tell me. i will drop it in the trash bin. slam dunk that fucker right on outta here if need ok? and don’t be afraid to let me know if you’re losing interest in a thread, don’t know how to respond, or even that you’re no longer interested in rping.

honestly if the third’s the case you don’t even need to explain, yeet to freedom my sweet bird good luck out there and for the love of god enjoy yourself and feel no shame for it. softblock or don’t i tend to unfollow people ain’t followin me anyways ‘cos clean dash. tidy dash.

THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING A DICK!

that’s why i’m saying the don’t part, cos i’m trusting you (kind of) not to be one, cos like you got this far so you can’t be one see? here’s some apple cider, thank you for coming on the tour, now let me introduce myself.

So now all THAT’s out of the way, ‘sup. You can call me Saahs. Any pronouns are fine with me. I’m a 28 year old artist, writer, dabbler of the sciences and metaphysical, and lover of horror. RP has been a major part of my life for 99.9% of it, I started playing AD&D before I could properly write, and I’m not letting this strain of hobby go any time soon.

Like I said I probably won’t be a highly active rper due to chronic illness and IRL issues, but my messages, askbox, are always open! And I’m happy to give my Discord to mutuals if you’d like to chat over there as well.

The rules are a lil snippy ‘cos things KEEP HAPPENING and I’m a jaded animal to begin with But legit I don’t assume You are gonna break rules or anything there’s just been too many times man. Like I’m a shy guy and I don’t like having to deal with conflict so don’t make me ok

for a bit more on the saahs have a gander over here !