#i feel guilty for a girl i was mean to once in 2nd grade still to this day

[nururu]

wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow

[multifanlol]

Hello! Love the recent Marcy xShy reader post you did think you do a part 2 of what happens when all 4 meet up again maybe have Sasha and the reader get into a argument and Marcy goes to comfort them afterwards

Sure! And thankkss I honestly hoped someone would request for a part two sooo-

Sasha may be seen OOC but i need to remind y’all this is her BEFORE her development Sasha b4 that was a bit much 😭 (still love her tho 🫶)

Marcy Wu x Fem! Shy! Reader (pt 2)

Ever since that “incident” you honestly thought things were gonna be awkward

I mean okay, sure they were a little awkward but that was because it was an awkward nerd and another nerd who can’t keep a full conversation going

Other then that things were pretty chill although you couldn’t lie you still felt extremely guilty

I mean, sure you and Marcy didn’t kiss or anything like that but you still knew Sasha ever since you were kids even if she DID turn into maybe a psycho trying to kill one of Anne’s frog friends(?) (readers pov) you still cared about her in some way-

Recently you’ve gotten the other stones to open the calamity box and now you just had to do the last one

Which happened to be Sasha

And “Grime” or whatever according to Anne tried to kill “Hop Pop” (y/n doesn’t know the names okay 😭)

To say the least tension was in the air

With the planters and Grime and you Anne, Marcy and Sasha

It’s not like you hated her you were tense over having to end things with her, Marcy was tense due to guilt, Anne was tense due to well everything that happened

Now you took a breath in while walking out of the cave and walked over to Sasha

“That was surprisingly brave of you” you thought to yourself

“Hey Sasha…”

The blonde turned around to the h/c girl while she was talking to Grime

Grime seemed to get the message then clears his throat awkwardly

“I am not being involved in this, you can go and chat I’ll just be…..over there”

We watched him awkwardly walk away

“Sooo, Grime seems……interesting”

“Yea, Grimesy isn’t so bad once you get to know him…”

There was the awkwardnesss

You clear your throat again

“So, Sasha ever since we’ve been apart I’ve had time to…”

You notice Sasha yawning then she notices you staring

“Oh, I’m listening relax! It’s not like what your saying is gonna be a big deal anyway”

You take a short breath and stare at her

“it’s now or never” you thought

“Listen Sasha I’ve been thinking a lot and i believe that we should-“

“Hey, when you look at this cave when you look on the side, it kinda looks like a face”

“Sasha, i mean-“

“Our English class teacher back in 2nd grade!”

She laughs at it then notices you looking annoyed

“Why are you so upset-oh! don’t tell me Anne told you about it i mean, of course she did, listen n/n what happened was a misunderstanding and me and Anne made up so if your so mad about it-“

“It’s not about that Sasha-I’m sorry I-look, me and you are over-“

“What?!”

“I’m sorry, i hope you won’t hate me for it forever but i just can’t deal with this anymore-“

“Your…..your breaking up with me?! Why?!”

“It’s not you-i mean maybe it is you-or us both! I just-“

“After all the times i stuck up for you whenever they’d question why i went out with you, all those stuff I’d let you get, YOUR dumping me?!”

You honestly felt terrible but getting it over with now seems best….maybe

“Listen Sasha, you weren’t a horrible girlfriend i just don’t have strong feelings for you-“

“Don’t have strong feelings for me?! Why didn’t you tell me this before we landed in Amphibia?!”

“I wasn’t sure of it then! Maybe i didn’t tell you this often but i kinda thought you were a control freak!”

“I let you buy whatever you wanted!”

“YOU bought them for me, and when I’d try to ask something you’d completely dismiss my opinion!!”

You noticed Sasha seemed somewhat stunned by your courage but that quickly covered with rage

“Well what about the times we went to the movies i payed for everything!”

“YOU payed for the tickets i had to pay for the snacks and seats!!!”

The argument only just got longer you honestly didn’t wanna do this but honestly…..you had a lot of rage trapped inside you for years

“Okay maybe after all of that stuff, WHY did you actually dump me?”

“What…?”

“I’m not stupid y/n, there’s something your not telling me”

Ugh you knew Sasha could tell through lies as well as seeing through a telescope (bad comparison but honestly idc)

“Well, maybe it’s because i just don’t have feelings for you, ever thought of that?”

“I know that’s not it!”

“…”

“….Fine your not gonna tell me then, cool, maybe you were cheating on me and want an excuse while making it not be cheating? You were using me?! You-“

“I like someone else!”

“…”

“Well i…liked you at some point but i became more aware of these feelings later on…..and i wanna end things with you to attempt to not hurt you but, i guess i already did”

“….”

“I knew it….”

“I guess you wanna dump me for someone who might not even like you? Cool, maybe I’ll let you with open arms if you don’t come back too pathetic when they reject you”

And just like that she walked off

Ouch, it did sting though, it honestly hurt but you can’t expect much good from Sasha Waybright

It did hurt a lot though thinking about all of it, I’m not crying…..why are there tears rolling down my eyes

You noticed Sasha back talking to Grime and she looked at you for maybe a mil second then completely turned her head

It’s like she’s refused to even look at you

You were too caught up in your sadness to realise a certain bluettte noticed your sad frown

“Soo, do you wanna talk about it-“

You jump due to being caught up in your head you didn’t notice Marcy approaching you which resulted in her lightly giggling

“Oh! Sorry that was mean! Sorry for scaring you….heh”

“It’s….fine”

“Soo….do you wanna…..or-it’s okay really!-“

You turn your head around to see if it’s close to anyone hearing

“I’ll….tell you back here…”

You walk a bit behind the others so it’s not close to anyone except you and Marcy hearing and tell her everything

“And so then…..”

“And then?”

“I revealed i liked someone and well, I’m a horrible person….i think i hurt her…..”

“Ouch that sounds awful! For you-or her! Or well both?”

You knew Marcy had trouble deciding which “side” she should “be on” you honestly felt bad and felt she didn’t need to choose

“Um well i don’t think Sasha thinks your a horrible person maybe she was just a little mad-“

“No, i know what i did to her was wrong, i hurt her and she has every right to be upset with me but, the other stuff i just don’t want to make things awkward for you, and Anne, and stuck in Amphibia for crying out loud!”

You stop when Marcy hugs you

“You looked like you needed it-“

“No! It’s fine….i like it…”

“….”

This time it was……peaceful silence

“Sooo, when we head back wanna go eat that cake i was telling you about?”

“For the last time, I’m not eating something that may or may not have flies in them”

“Oh come onnnn!”

It was peaceful

I’m bad with names 😭

Andddd now that’s done with i hope you liked it-i didn’t really have much ideas for it so day by day I’ve just been doing little bits it is low-key short tho-overall i hope you liked ittt! Have a good day/night bye y’all!

[thebeautysurrounds]

THIS CONTAINS SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR NEVER HAVE I EVER S2 READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is quite long I had a lot to unpack.

Since watching the 2nd season of Never Have I Ever a few things have been bothering me about the way people are reacting to Devi, and the show overall but mostly Devi. First of all she’s what a sophomore in high school? and she’s doing this all while being the only brown girl (up until kinda the middle of S2) and still dealing with grief and having absolutely no idea who she is yet. To me outside of being an honor roll student she is not doing things FOR HER she is doing this to appease her mother. Who while she means well pushing Devi to succeed to certain extremes which if Devi shows the slightest behavior of fucking up her mother makes harsh comments instead of understanding Devi is a literal teenager and needs room for fucking up.

Is Devi hella unreasonable at times? YES does she often times act strictly on impulse without a second thought…YES. But as a girl who virtually has no one outside of her friends who also are staring to drift from her and get into their first relationships themselves and have their own activities she essentially is left to navigate the world and her teenage angst alone. While I will give Nalini credit for all the work and time she has put in to not only being a single mother and navigating her own grief but also being a working mother who is a doctor and quite possibly has her own struggles with being a brown women in that filed. My problem lies with her not being able to balance or even let go of a strong arm parenting style that mostly focuses on Devi’s fuck up more than her accomplishments and makes comments on how her fuck ups that haven’t even happened yet. I’m not sure Nalini even realizes Devi is at the very very top of her class because I truly believe (after S1) even though Nalini apologized to Devi Nalini has a ‘hoping for the best but expecting the worst’ attitude when it comes to Devi and that’s in the for front of her mind so much she doesn’t realize Devi goes above and beyond not only for herself but to make her mother proud of her all for her mother to just not acknowledge that.

Now with Devi’s characterization I get where some people are coming from on saying Devi shouldn’t have been “boy crazy” or that they “ruined her character development” but here’s my problem those critiques while valid and your allowed to have those opinions…It’s just not really realistic and let me tell you why like I stated Devi is what a sophomore in high school and she has made it a abundantly clear her parents forbid her to date cause it’s school and extra curriculars only. Which will lead to a good college which thus will turn into a good career. While that’s all well and good. I don’t think y’all realize the FOMO of being in high school and growing up with very strict parents, and wanting to have your first relationship. Wanting to be an actual teenager and not wanting to think about 3-4 years down the line which most teenagers don’t/can’t visualize cause it’s not the right now. Devi wants to have those experiences and there’s nothing wrong with that does she go about it the right way…not exactly but y’all act like YOU have never been a teenager and said and done awful things out of anger or just pure immature stupidity. For the boy crazy part Devi is literally having her first feelings and experiences with boys she has 0 clue what she is doing outside of probably books, tv, movies and what her friends assume they know (even though they mean well) the only person Devi would remotely trusts is gone, and she can’t ask her mother cause her mother would honestly probably shut her down and make her feel guilty for even wanting to start having her first experiences with boys. Y’all have such a warped view of not only real teenagers and high school aged kids but also fictional ones. Y’all are so use to shows having protagonist being awful or starting off kinda okay but then their character turns awful and remains that way. What some of you fail to realize is actual teenagers and “teenagers” in shows can/are VERY morally grey. 

Should Devi have been honest and possibly communicated to both Ben and Paxton that she has some sort of feelings for them both..possibly but Devi is a teenager do you think she is having a in depth analysis and talk with herself (outside of a pros and cons list) about what infatuation versus lust versus genuine connection versus romantic attraction looks like probably not. Let’s also analyze how she literally goes from being in her eyes forgettable to being noticed and even though it’s not talked about in the show explicitly she honestly probably struggles with self esteem/self image issues. To go from being a girl who to her no one cares about/notices to one who is getting the attention of two boys who are in Devi’s eyes attractive in their own right. She is so consumed with two guys ACTUALLY being interested in her that she fails to realize she is/and will hurt them both, Do I think Paxton is genuinely attracted to Devi…maybe. But I’m still on the fence about their relationship to me in the beginning I felt Paxton felt Devi is just another meaningless high school fling that he will forget about once he gets to college but to Devi here’s this guy who is “popular” very attractive and he pays attention to her is she looking at the semantics of the situation and how Paxton is more than likely just using her and is only engaging with Devi to get a passing grade and to basically give her the superficial experience of a “high school boyfriend” no she’s not she’s looking at it like here’s this guy who is attractive and he wants to be with someone like me. But do I also believe Devi in S1 was using Paxton and then fell for him DEFINITELY but I will give credit to Paxton for trying at a real relationship with Devi and I hope he will try to be more open and honest.

Do I think Ben likes Devi I honestly do, While the insensitive jokes (exchanged between both) should be discussed I think Ben over time started to see Devi as a girl who finally saw him not the rich, annoying, know it all. But in his view Devi and him are on equal playing fields because they are both overly driven smart individuals and when she said yes to going out with him it was probably the first time he felt like a girl saw the real him. While Ben too more than likely struggles with abandonment issues him dating Devi in a way made him feel like this was the first time he could actual be happy about something cause it was something he actually wanted and not something he just did to earn points in others books and impress people he genuinely got something on his own and that he was actually happy not a front he put on. To me Ben’s abandonment issues come out even more than in S1 when he tells Devi why he’s so hurt and it’s the night of the party when she runs after Paxton (who he sees has it all) and Devi doesn’t “choose him” Do I think Ben and Devi should date cause they share some form of the same trauma no. But again Devi is not use and doesn’t even know what to do with the attention of two people. Again is Devi looking at the semantics of her relationship with Ben…No. I don’t think Devi even realizes she’s quite literally hurting two people cause we could also discuss how Ben and Paxton probably have had other flings and relationships without a second thought while Devi having no relationship experiences and this is territory for her and she has no idea what she is doing or how to properly navigate this situation.

I’m almost done with this long ass rant I promise but it’s two more things I want to make light of/point out I don’t think anyone really gives Devi credit for still going to therapy, loosing a parent is unbearable especially loosing one as young as Devi did, especially when you feel the only parent that truly understood and supported you is gone. Devi doing things that are impulsive and unreasonable because she quite literally has no guidance her mother is only consumed with Devi not making the family “look bad” Devi’s grief is so heavy and she feels she’s going at it alone because her mother doesn’t take genuine time to talk to her. Now was Devi “stalking” her mother extremely inappropriate yes for sure but do Nalini and her need to communicate better for Devi to understand that her mother wasn’t dating sure even if Nalini was on a date their should have been communication there. Devi will probably never stop grieving her father hell he literally came to her in a dream to tell her she deserves better when it came to “dating” Paxton and Nalini will probably never stop grieving her husband but she deserves happiness too and I believe if Devi and Nalini were both honest with each other her slowly dating again wouldn’t have been a problem. Another point I wanna make connecting Devi, Paxton, and Ben is they all have this view that the grass is greener on the other side and that’s just not the case. Ben is jealous of Paxton cause he feels he has the “Perfect life” but in actuality Paxton is extremely flawed and honestly insecure his own family doesn’t believe in him and he knows people only like him because he is attractive, while Paxton looks at Ben like this, while annoying Ben is smart, rich, and no one ever questions Ben’s intelligence but in actuality Ben is very lonely and has spent most of his life alone or being raised by other people which has caused him to put on a huge front to people and often times overcompensate in his social life, and Devi looks at other girls like they have it all and have 0 struggles or problems (I.e her views on Anissa) but Devi fails to realize thy also struggle, are insecure, is struggling with mental illness, and don’t have themselves figured out, and Devi is looking at this man her mom is “dating” as if he’s taking something away but In actuality he is experiencing his own losses. All in all Never Have I Ever gets teenage angst and messy problematic morally grey teenagers right and the fact that y’all beg for more “flawed or problematic” characters and when you get them you don’t like that they are just that it’s odd to me it seems like y’all only want problematic characters if it’s how you see fit.

TL;DR: Y’all need to stop acting like y’all weren’t gross annoying and had fuck ups as teenagers y’all should really stop pretending like teenagers in real and some of us as teens didn’t have/engage in relationships that weren’t good but we learned from it while this show isn’t real it shows y’all will scream let people fuck up and let them grow but you don’t actually mean it. Devi is a teenager and requires room to grow she even admits she acts out and is impulsive but y’all act like she’s supposed to have the self awareness of a 60 year old.

[mononyann]

a while back people requested that i share some of my headcanons for certain bnha characters, so here's some of the characters that i did

Shota Aizawa

- he absolutely has at LEAST 3 cats, he spoils the heck out of them too. that's why he's always eating those gel packs... he spends too much on his cats.

- he really does love his class. and we all know honey??? u haven't expelled any of them. ur soft for them ok.

- he likes to sleep with his cats bc he gets lonely at night... he will not admit it, but he likes having someone/something there :)

- he has reuccuring nightmares about the usj attack and how he could have failed to save his students

- has a very low alcohol tolerance and often ends up getting dragged back to his apartment by mic or midnight when they go out whilst he rambles and whines the entire time

- he hates crying and tries his best to keep his emotions held in, he's only cried in front of a select few people

- he tries not to let others opinions on him rule his life and tends to block it out if someone hates him

- he doesn't know it, but he is the entirety of class 1-a's dad.

- he really likes tea, and dislikes sweets

- as you would expect, he takes his coffee black

Hanta Sero

- he really likes kpop! he stans multiple groups and really wants to attend a concert

- though he seems really chill on the outside, he's actually quite sensitive and has some self confidence issues

- he loves being around people and finds that he gets his energy from being around those he loves

- definitely into e-boy fashion, and he is open about it

- pierced his own ears at 3 am and called kaminari crying about how he screwed it up

- he actually likes to draw a lot in his free time, it's very relaxing. he puts on some nice low-fi music and draws for hours

- he hasn't had many crushes in his life and doesn't find romance to be a big issue currently, but he's open to anything

- accidentally taped his hamster to the ceiling in 2nd grade, he didn't mean to and cried for hours (the hamster was ok)

Nemuri Kayama

- she is a BRO, she likes to crack a cold one open with the boys on the weekends

- she is bisexual and thinks everyone is beautiful in their own unique ways

- most likely talks shit about her coworkers to her classes

- she thinks children are adorable and loves them, often scaring them with her enthusiasm

- very touchy, she loves hugs and will probably not pass up a chance to use you as an armrest if she has the chance

- she secretly worries about aizawa a lot and is scared that he lets the past effect him too much

- did you guys know she has a cat?!

- i like to think she and mic are like... EPIC bros, she loves to paint his nails and do his hair while gossiping with him (aizawa would NEVER let her do this to him lmao)

- she isn't a mom, but finds the idea of having her own children very nice, for now having a cat will suffice

- she enjoys trying to make all might flustered, she thinks his reactions to things are always very cute and funny (it's all in good fun!)

- she's the mom friend! though she may seem very sexual, which she undoubtedly is, she is also very caring and has a very nuturing motherly personality, she's a lot more than just fanservice !!!!!

Todoroki Shoto

- completely oblivious when it comes to love... he doesn't even understand his own crushes

- "of course you can borrow my credit card uraraka" *pulls out endeavors card which he sneakily took*

- would be the person to tell a child that their pet guinea pig didn't go to heaven and be confused when they start sobbing... like "what... don't be honest?"

- allows his friends to huddle up to his warm side when they are cold

- is confused when people show him copious amounts of love and affection

- he would beat up anyone if they tried to do ANYTHING bad to midoriya

- he wants more friends. he really is enjoying meeting new people and having some new friends at ua!

- he gives really good hugs, he doesn't try to hug you too tight, but he doesn't half ass it either, very nice and warm

- he hates his scar. like. a lot. he wants to cover it up so bad but it just doesn't work. he's afraid it'll make other people scared of him.

Shinsou Hitoshi

- loves patd! and fall out boy, a brendon urie STAN

- loves to kiss his kitties on the forehead but dreads human interaction

- he loves to squish his cats' toebeans... he takes pictures of them and posts them to his secret cat social media acc

- he is gay but doesn't know how to feel about it and/or come out, he's really nervous and doesn't trust people to accept him

- he doesn't smile often but when he does it's the cutest thing ever

- he secretly really likes deku and kaminari and is hesitant about accepting their friendship, but appreciates the gestures a lot

- he suffers with social anxiety and doesn't really know how to make friends very well??? like, in middle school people were total dickbags to him so he kinda just closed himself off and decided he was gonna like... not make friends, but now that there's nice people around him he just kind of- doesn't know how

- this is actually canon! but he feels guilty about having to manipulate people when he uses his quirk, during the 4th school briefs book he feels guilty when he overhears midoriya and ojiro talking about him using his quirk during the sports festival, and he's like "i wish ojiro would say something rude about me to show he's angry so i wouldn't have to feel so guilty about this" since ojiro showed no ill feelings towards him

Izuku Midoriya

- "hold on I'll go get a blanket!" *opens closet* *thousands of all might figurines tumble out*

- watches cat vine compilations until 2 am, than freaks out when he realizes it is 2 am

- very good with children!

- used to be very self conscious about his freckles bc of bakugou insulting them; hid them with concealer for a while until someone told him they were beautiful

- loves his momma so muchhh he would do anything for her, he likes to surprise her with small favors to see her happy

- does not understand the concept of letting people handle their own problems

- stays after to class to offer his teachers help

- he has a lot of self doubts and is still struggling to this day to come to terms with the fact that he is worthy of having one for all

- he wants to learn how to cook for his mom and friends

Kyoka Jirou

- she is a lesbian!!!!! she has a crush on momo but is completely convinced that it's unrequited

- struggled with judgmental kids in middle school because of her sexual identity and style

- gets very easily flustered by anyone complimenting her

- that one person sitting at the back of the bus with their earbuds blasting full volume

- was a GOD at guitar hero

- acts like she's fed up with kaminari's (which she can be sometimes), but truly he's one of the people she can trust the most. she secretly appreciates the way he hypes up her talents and how he really helps her through the day sometimes!

- she loves heroes so much... when she was a little girl and didn't know what to do she'd ask herself "what would my favorite heroes do!?"

- she also secretly buys hero merch but hides it in fear of her being seen as sappy

Amajiki Tamaki

- would have trouble standing up for himself but if he sees ANYONE messing with mirio he WILL throw hands

- likes to watch bob ross videos when hes feeling anxious

- he once went to a butterfly museum with his parents and cried out of joy when one landed on his nose

- leaves food out for strays in his neighborhood, ends up attracting an entire hoard of animals.

- he can paint very nicely, he began to paint after he discovered bob ross

- mirio then saw his paintings and showed the entire class to tamaki's dismay, but everyone absolutely LOVED them!!!

- every day he becomes more and more capable and sure of himself, he is still very anxious, but he's learning to open up and embrace his talents <3

- he really loves to listen to music and any time he's not around others he'll probably have earbuds in, gently swaying back and forth to whatever he has on

- nejire loves to try out new hairstyles on him, and strangely enough, tamaki lets her, he loves it when people play with his hair

Shirakumo Oboro

- shares one collective braincell with mic

- that one person that brings EVERYONE valentine treats on valentines day at school

- most likely plays ding dong ditch

- *draws stick figure* "ah yes. just like van goh" (he cannot draw)

- hates to see his friends (and even random strangers upset) and will go out of his way to do dumb things to make them smile

- probably played soccer

- he's a massive flirt and likes to believe he will become a stereotypical anime protagonist with a massive harem

- he really wants to see aizawa come out of his shell more and tries his best to encourage him to see the best in everything

- he has most likely worn a schoolgirl uniform to class once

- he's very affectionate and loves to hug his friends (even if they don't want hugs), it's his way of showing he likes people

Hizashi Yamada

- he lives off of caffeine. he is a teacher, pro hero, and radio show host, im honestly not sure how he does it

- gives out stickers when students get the correct answer in class and has class parties when they are well behaved for the semester

- just like everyone else, he has his own turmoil as well, he likes to stay busy because it prevents him from having a lot of time to dwell on the past

- he gives really good hugs, and loves to feel the touch of others, it's very comforting to him

- was probably pretty troublesome when he was very young while he learned to get control of his quirk

- overall a really happy and excitable guy, he loves being the center of attention and if he can make people happy by being what he is, that's awesome!

- he shows his appreciation for people in odd ways, but he always means good, even if his wild antics can be a bit stressful lol

- he likes to sing a lot and does it a bunch when he's alone, he can also play a lot of instruments

- he can be very serious if needed, he does often put on a persona when he's present mic

- when he's hizashi (out of hero persona) he's even more of a dork than usual, very goofy, awkward and pouty. a manchild.

OK so I reached my image limit, if u guys wanna see the rest I might post some more later PLUS feel free to request some in my asks, I don't really know how all that stuff works bc I'm kinda new to Tumblr but ILL FIGURE IT OUT

[calumsvapor]

wherever you are | c.h

word count: 2357

warnings: cursing

pairing(s): calum hood/reader

notes: soulmate au. the povs in this are kind of weird. it’s 2nd person, but you don’t get that good of a view into the reader’s thoughts until near the end. it’s sort of from calum’s point of view but not really. idk just read it lmao :)

for as long as he could remember, the skin on his chest above his heart was occupied by the small lettering. by the time he entered grade school, calum knew that the letters spelled out the lyrics to his soulmate’s favorite song.

once he entered high school, calum was convinced he didn’t even have a soulmate. surely it was possible for the universe to mess up, or maybe his soulmate died earlier on in their life. all calum knew for certain was that the song the lyrics came from didn’t exist.

despite this fact, he was still amazed by the people all around him, brushing hands with someone they barely knew, locking eyes, and grinning from ear to ear as their markings flashed red before fading into their skin. 

calum wanted to write the songs that people fell in love with. he wanted his lyrics tattooed above the hearts of the people who would bump into their soulmate while rushing through the halls, or while standing in line at a coffee shop. he wanted to write the songs that people listened to on repeat, sitting alone in their bedroom, trying to hear a small piece of their other half in the melody.

the years flew by, and before he knew it, he was writing songs and performing. he and his friends from australia had become more and more popular with each passing month, and their songs were played all over the world. calum’s dreams had come true.

so why did he still feel so empty?

maybe it was because he and the rest of the band were still in the middle of their new album, and he hadn’t completely figured out the lyrics to one of the songs he was writing for it yet.

or maybe it was because everyone around him was meeting and settling down with the people who they knew would complete them for the rest of their lives. even most of his bandmates and crew had someone. michael had crystal. luke had sierra. 

and calum had his guitar and his notebook.

“why do you think you don’t have a soulmate, cal? you’re a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you.” 

calum sat on his plush leather couch, on the phone with his friend and bandmate, ashton irwin. due to the pair’s single statuses, around 50% of fans were completely convinced they were each other’s soulmates, which wouldn’t be too bad, honestly, besides the fact that his favorite lyrics were most definitely not from an ariana grande song.

“because i’ve googled this one line about a million different times on a million different days, hoping that maybe some singer somewhere just came out with a new song and i’ll finally get a sign that i won’t be alone forever.”

“maybe that just means you have to write it yourself.”

of course. why hadn’t he thought of that before? 

“sorry ash, i have to go write a song. i’ll call you later.”

with a chuckle and an “alright,” ashton ended the call, leaving calum alone with his thoughts. 

after around three hours of sitting alone with his guitar and his notebook, with approximately zero ideas and zero words written on the paper, calum set down his things and decided to find a nearby cafe to take a break. he was in los angeles, after all, and anyone who lived within 20 miles knew there was no shortage of coffee shops.

once calum decided on a fitting store to get his caffeine fix, he ordered his drink and sat down at a small table by the window. instead of pulling out his phone and brainstorming like he expected, calum found himself switching his gaze between the street beyond the window and the barista behind the counter, making his drink. 

hey, just because he doesn’t have a soulmate, doesn’t mean he can’t recognize a pretty girl when he sees one.

eventually, his name was called, and he left the swirling mess of a chasm that was his mind and walked over to the pickup counter. as he was handed his drink, he met eyes with the woman who he’d been observing just moments before. the woman, of course, was you. the cafe was empty, save for calum and yourself, so he had no problem with making small talk - just a little mindless flirting - even if it was simply to kill time. 

“busy day, huh?” he said, a small smirk adorning his features. you let out a shy laugh, and for some reason, calum found himself thinking that if somehow, someway, you turned out to be his soulmate, it wouldn’t be so bad.

“yeah, i’m absolutely swamped. you wouldn’t believe how many people come in for coffee at 2 pm on a tuesday in the middle of a workweek.”

“since you have so much time, why don’t you sit down and have some coffee with me?” calum quipped, the smile on his face never fading.

with a smile and a nod of your head, you maneuvered around the counter and walked over to the table for two calum had previously been sitting at. 

“so, i’m just gonna cut to the chase,” calum started, “what’s your favorite song?”

“if i’m being honest,” you said, pausing, “i would have to say i don’t know. none of the music i’ve heard so far has really spoke to me enough to be considered my favorite song, and on top of that, i’m not really that in touch with current music.”

the bright smile on your face wavered as you met calum’s eyes.

“sorry, i know it’s a really important topic, given how things are, but i just don’t have an answer,” you finished with a sheepish, almost guilty smile.

“don’t even worry about it, it was a dumb question anyway. if it makes you feel any better, my soulmate’s favorite lyric is from a song that doesn’t even exist. just don’t tell the gossip magazines.”

“why would i tell the- oh. you’re famous, aren’t you? i knew i recognized you from somewhere!”

calum laughed a bit at your obliviousness.

“yeah, i’m the bassist for 5 seconds of summer. maybe you’ve heard of us?”

“mhmm! i think i’ve heard a few of your songs. she looks so perfect, right?”

“you really need to catch up on modern music, sweetheart.”

blushing at the nickname, you asked calum for some song recommendations, and you spent the rest of the afternoon discussing anything and everything, right up until customers started getting more frequent at around 4.

“so what days do you work? can i swing by tomorrow around the same time?” calum asked, fiddling almost nervously with his fingers, a stark contrast from his bold and flirtatious behavior from earlier. 

you grinned and nodded happily, then waved goodbye to him as the door swung open then closed again, the bells hanging above it making a pleasant ringing sound.

on his walk home, calum couldn’t stop thinking about you. and yet he couldn’t figure out why. the fact that you didn’t have a favorite song meant nothing. it was just too good to be true. he had lived 23 years of his life, happily believing, no, knowing, that he was soulmate-less. and honestly, he felt it was for the better. he could focus on his music. he could focus on his dream. he was living out his dream right now, and if not having a soulmate was what it took, it was well worth it.

so when he finally got home, calum flopped back down on his couch and scribbled down the lyrics he had memorized by heart before he even turned 13.

he then stared at the paper for a good 30 minutes.

it almost felt like stealing. the lyrics, in theory, were his, and it wasn’t like some other artist had written them into a song yet, so there wouldn’t be any legal issues, but he didn’t really come up with them himself, did he? were they really his to write and record if it was just dumb luck that had tattooed those words onto his chest?

“what do you need, cal?” ashton’s groggy voice sounded from the other end of the phone.

calum had gone about his usual evening routine, then decided to go to bed around 10, since there was nothing left for him to do. but then after 3 hours of laying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling, he decided he needed some help.

“i really don’t know if i should write this song, ash. i have absolutely no ideas for the melody, the lyrics don’t even feel like mine, and honestly i’ve been doing just fine without a soulmate. i don’t really see why that has to change now. not to mention that i just met some girl at a cafe and she’s… i don’t even know.”

“cal, slow down. do you want me to be honest with you? i mean completely and totally honest?”

“yeah?”

“you should write the song. and i think the reason you haven’t yet is because you’re scared. you’re scared that even after you finish this fucking song, you still might not find her. you’re scared that this girl you met isn’t gonna be your soulmate, and you’re scared that you’re going to be alone forever, surrounded by everyone that already met their soulmates, and you’re going to feel like complete and utter shit for ever believing that you had a soulmate in the first place. and i think that’s complete bullshit. you can’t just throw away your one chance at finding someone because you’re scared. that’s not how the world works. now goodnight, calum. think about it.”

with that, ashton hung up, leaving calum in the dark of his room, his words playing like a broken record in his head. and even though he hated to admit it, ashton was right. and he’d put this off for far too long already.

after you and calum’s first meeting, you were disappointed to say you didn’t see him again for another two weeks, and by the end of the first, you had accepted the fact that he just wasn’t interested in you once he realized you didn’t have a favorite song. 

which was completely understandable, seeing as once you hit your 20’s, it seemed like people only cared about meeting their soulmates as quickly as possible.

so you could imagine your surprise when, exactly at 1:45 pm, the bells dinged softly and the cafe’s doors swung open, calum emerging from behind them, swinging his phone around like a trophy and smiling wider than you thought possible.

“hey, y/n,” he said, breathless to the point where you almost believed he sprinted all the way there.

“hey, cal,” you replied, matching his elated expression, “what can i get for you?”

“you can sit down with me and listen to this,” calum gasped, still trying to catch his breath. 

“and what’s this?” you asked, motioning to the file pulled up on his phone, his thumb hovering over the play button, and his other hand holding out a pair of headphones for you.

“modern-day music.”

you grabbed the headphones out of his hand, inserting one into your ear and motioning for him to take a seat. once the two of you had been situated at a two-person table, he put the other earbud in and clicked play. 

once the three minutes of the song were over, you took the earbud out and stared at him in awe.

“shut. up.” you said, no hint of a smile on your face.

calum’s gleeful expression dropped to a look of confusion.

“you wrote that?! no fucking way!”

a look of relief passed over calum’s face as he grinned at you once more.

“yep. took me two weeks.”

“so that’s what you’ve been doing while you were too busy to visit me. i can’t say i’m angry.”

the two of you took some time to catch up on everything that had happened since you first met. you’d been coming into work and interviewing at various jobs in your free time, and he had been writing and spending time in the studio recording the demo you’d just heard.

as the pleasant conversation dwindled to an awkward silence, you finally remembered what you were going to say when you’d first heard the song.

“by the way, i think i finally have an answer to your question. that song is and will always be my favorite song.”

“you really mean that? you’re not just saying that to be nice?”

calum honestly couldn’t believe his ears. he may have been living out his dream of making music, but during the past two weeks, he’d learned enough about himself to know that a life with you was his new dream, whether it was as soulmates or just as friends.

“would i lie to you?”

calum smiled at that.

“no, at least i hope not.”

“i especially liked that one line…”

you then proceeded to recite the lyrics written on his chest word for word.

“it’s just amazing how you can write such meaningful and amazing lyrics. i could never do anything like that. i remember once in like 7th grade we had to write a song about the louisiana purchase or something and it was absolutely terrible. i mean we got an A, but that was only because-”

“can i kiss you right now?”

and with that, your rambling was stopped in its tracks.

“what?”

“you heard me,” calum said, the same smirk on his face as when you first met him.

with that, you leaned across the table, grasped the collar of his t-shirt tightly, and pulled him forwards. calum let out a short gasp of shock at your uncharacteristic boldness.

as the tips of your noses touched together, you felt a strong burning sensation right above your heart. as you looked down, you noticed a red glow, shining through the thin fabric of calum’s shirt. 

calum placed his large, warm hands over your own as you looked straight into his deep brown eyes.

“take me on a date first, cal.”

[prettysoldierprojectarchive]

1:8 – Is the Genius Girl a Monster? Brainwashing School of Terror

[Original Post made 07/09/2013]

Alternative Title: Is the Genius Girl from the Opening Credits a Monster? Probably Not

First Aired: 2nd May 1992

The latest test results are in at school and while Usagi hovers somewhere near the bottom, Mizuno Ami, the supposed genius girl, is not only top of the school but one of the smartest kids in the country. Luna suspects Ami of being an agent of the Dark Kingdom (maybe it’s the way she’s really nice to everyone). In truth, the cram school that Ami attends in the evenings is actually the latest facade of Jadeite’s. While Sailor Moon demonstrates that she is no smarter when transformed, Ami must don her skimpy outfit and save the day as Sailor Mercury. OMG NOW THERE’S TWO OF ‘EM.

As with any episode that has a major plot development for the overall series of Sailor Moon, this one is outstanding. The social commentary on cram schools and overbearing parental expectations is approached amusingly, there are some great comedic moments and, hey, I love me some Sailor Mercury.

The opening to this episode is AMAZING. It looks much the same as many other scenes – Jadeite is obsequiously explaining his latest ridiculous plot to Queen Beryl. This time it’s a short, bemused lecture on the Japanese school system. “They are suffering” is a great line, not least because the school kids of Japan in 1992 were undoubtedly cheering in enthusiasm at the show’s take-down education.

“I hope your latest plan involves looking for a new fucking job, Jadeite”

My favourite part is after Jadeite lists the school progression. Kindergarten to Junior School to Junior High to High School to College.

“And? What about after graduating from the best college?” Queen Beryl asks inquisitively.

“I am not quite certain,” Jadeite replies. TOO BLOODY RIGHT MATE. Queen Beryl responds with a creepy and lascivious “MMmmmm…” – What a weird start to a great episode.

Cut to Usagi reading manga and being an idiot. After getting chewed out by her mother (remember, this is the same mother who locked Usagi out of the house after she got a 35 on a test), Usagi retreats to her room to study, only to be chewed out by Luna too. Poor girl can’t catch a break.

An oft-repeated sentiment in my household

We get a really interesting development next, where Luna breaks into the Game Centre Crown arcade in the middle of the night. She communicates with an unknown contact through one of the arcade cabinets (genius). After complaining about Usagi’s inability to walk in a straight line because she lacks the brain power, Luna reveals that she suspects a mysterious blue-haired girl. MYSTERIOUS! 

I love this imagery! Now if only Luna could play the games too…

In a complete coincidence (or rather a plot contrivance) Usagi and her classmates are gossiping about Mizuno Ami, the smartest girl in school. Usagi’s fat little friend is a complete bitch about Ami WITHIN HEARING DISTANCE (she’s probably trying to take away focus from her weight by being horrible to other students) and Ami walks off looking hurt.

Kids are mean wherever you grow up, eh?

Usagi immediately decides to befriend Ami, not because she was feeling guilty about gossiping about her, nor because she looks sad and lonely, but because she hopes Ami will coach her for the next test. That’s my girl, always lookout for what you can get out of others.

Luna is still highly suspicious of Ami, but her investigations are cut short after Ami scratches her under the chin, immediately disabling any higher-cognitive functions. She is a cat after all.

…although she can use a computer, something that Usagi confesses is beyond her

Here we begin to see a side of Usagi that, while understated, actually becomes the most remarkable aspect of her character – she can ingratiate herself with anyone in a genuine and sensitive manner (whatever her ulterior motives may be). Best of all, she sees the best in people. Usagi sees a sweet and caring girl in Ami whereas her contemporaries were content to whisper behind her back.

I might be reading too much into it, of course, but for a girl inept at even the most basic of daily tasks, this side of Usagi seems all the more interesting. This definitely develops as the series goes on.

After trying to teach Ami how to play video games (as it turns out Ami need no instruction and wipes the floor with Usagi’s score in Sailor V: The Video Game), they part – the genius girl has a scholarship at Crystal Cram School, a new institution for the gifted (spoiler: it’s FAKE AND EVIL. EVIL I SAY.)

The topic of Japanese cram schools is an interesting one. An overwhelming number of Japanese school students attend these extra-curricular classes, all with the intent on preparing the students for the notoriously difficult entrance exams for private schools and college. The expectation placed on students can be severe – there’s a definite meritocracy, where one’s worth is judged by grades and, later, a job title. It’s a little scary to my pudgy and hedonistic Western ear holes.

ANYWAY. Usagi and Luna are investigating Crystal Cram School’s entrance when the Mysterious Beefcake Stranger walks by, continuing his habit of turning up wherever the Dark Kingdom is at work, which is not suspicious at all. Before he and Usagi can really get into the swing of trading their usual insults, the Mysterious Awesome Stranger asks nonchalantly “Wasn’t that cat just talking?”

Considering how often Usagi and Luna have shouting matches in the street, it’s a surprise this doesn’t happen more often 

he completely freaked out expressions of Usagi and Luna are magnificent, as are their identical instincts to run away from Mysterious Stranger as fast as they can.

Finally, Usagi decides to deal with Crystal Cram School the only way she knows how – storm in dressed as a beautiful stranger by means of the Transformation Pen and shout till something happens. What happens is that Ami essentially tells the disguised Usagi to shut the fuck up, they’re trying to study dammit! Usagi transforms into Sailor Moon as the REAL monster (it’s the teacher, obviously) holds Ami hostage.

“I should probably pluck my eyebrows”

The big red monster has some rather bizarre attacks. Rather than just, you know, murdering Sailor Moon (it would be so easy, guys, she’s so shit at being Sailor Moon), she quizzes the confused heroine, throwing sharp bits of paper at her when she fails to explain what gravity is. It’s bizarre. I love it.

As Sailor Moon is, once again, shivering in the corner at the mercy of a hypnotised army of rapey-looking teenage students, the big red monster is trying to shove Ami’s head into a computer screen. Luna notices a shining mark on Ami’s forehead and realises she must be SAILOR MERCURY, as if we didn’t already know from every single opening credits thus far.

Ami, showing a complete lack of surprise at axe-armed monsters or talking cats, takes up the transformation pen that Luna throws her, and Sailor Moon finally has an ally. Sort of.

Sailor Mercury’s attack, Bubble Spray, is really, really crap. It’s cold bubbles that make a mist. In this situation, it freezes the creepy army of students long enough for Sailor Moon to Moon Tiara Action the monster’s ass to next Tuesday, but Bubble Spray can’t be called the greatest magical power. Might be useful in the summer, I suppose.

“Once I figure out how to fill these full of acid, you’re all in trouble”

So all’s well that ends well ��� Usagi has a new friend and comrade, and Ami seems to be coming out of her shell. In fact, she’s rather more confident and competant than Usagi is, a thought which Usagi finds rightfully worrying. Thankfully Sailor Mercury will be throwing cold bubbles at monsters for a while yet, so Luna can’t quite dispense with Sailor Moon just yet.

Give it time, Usagi. Give it time.

Episode Score: 4/5

Monster Freakishness Level: 4/5 (Her arm turned into an axe and she threatened to steal Ami’s brain. That’s freaky)

Bubble Spray Effectiveness Rating: 3/5 (It saved the day, I guess…)

[archmage--khadgar]

(To explain some things! I’ve gotten a few messages of love in response to the most recent shenanigans. And also, of course, past messages of you guys throwing kindness at me and I internally 404 like woah. I rarely say nice things about myself. Partially because even though I’m heckin’ chatty once I get going. I feel really guilty and vain or like I’m oversharing or something, I dunno.  The reasons why have kind of been danced around and ffwwuhhhh I might delete this post later or something who knows. A lot of this is stuff I haven’t shared at all or with most people. But I also don’t really like repeating myself too much with certain things so I’m just. Gonna do this. It’s 2:30 in the morning and I just woke up and can’t get back to sleep SO. Yeah. More under the cut.  About why the “I love yous” and other nice things pretty much send me running. And make me really uncomfortable.)

I’m not looking for a pity party, just augh. I feel like it isn’t fair to keep hiding under blankets while calling myself trash and stuff without y’all knowing WHY. A lot of things are still going to be left out, either cause they’re hella buried or I still can’t talk about them yet. But uh. YEAH. Where to begin? The easiest thing to explain, I suppose, is to touch upon how I grew up in a single-parent household. Mom never said “I love you”, but she did yell, screech, and throw things at me and didn’t hold back on telling me how much I pissed her off, whenever she was home. I remember being locked and left alone in a hot car during the middle of summer when I was about 5, thankfully someone saw me crying and TO THIS DAY she’s still angry that I had cried. I’m 31. If I bring it up she immediately gets angry as if it had just happened and starts yelling how terrible I was for crying. As for my Dad, my earliest memory of him is of him telling me goodbye before walking out the door. He eventually came back Uhhhh...Sometime around 2nd grade. Did he and my mom get along at all? Nope! There’s a lot to unpack with that stuff that I won’t touch here. But I will say that it was the first case of me learning that people will say “I love you!” in hopes of swaying you to their side.  My Grandparents loved me! And they showed it - shame my mom moved me away from them and OOPH I’m not going to get into that cause I’ll just start crying. :x Trying to talk while fighting off PTSD is a CHALLENGE but I am HERE FOR IT. Anywhoot. That ties heavily into the basis of why hearing someone say “I love you!” Sends me running. It sets off every red flag.  “What do they want? Why are they saying that? They’re trying to get something from me. What are they trying to get from me?” I can think of how despite all the BS, I still tried to be nice even though I was really fucking weird and the poor kid at school in a time where living with a single parent meant something was wrong with you and all that shit. (Fuuuuuck the 90′s!) GOSH there really is a lot, it’s hard to pick and choose the right things to say. (For amusement: as a kid, I had a teacher who said that I was “cool as cucumber” and if that isn’t some fucking foreshadowing I don’t know what is.  I also liked to collect rocks. And I read The Raven when I was like. 6 or 7 and memorized the fucking thing.  Coincidence? I think NOT- yeah prolly just a coincidence.) It’s really hard to describe the bullying because it wasn’t all pulled hair and getting gum in it and I never got shoved into a locker.  Others would lie, however, in order to get me in trouble.  My clothes also would get pulled off.  Belongings got stolen.  Mom tried to spread a rumor that I fooling around with a new guy every week. Her excuse was.....”Well, you never tell me who you have a crush on or if you’re dating anyone at school, so what else am I supposed to think?”   You know that scene in middle school/high school shows where the main kid gets tricked into thinking their crush was interested in them, and the crush was in on the joke? Yeah. Yeah. That fucking happened.  I guess one of the best examples of “shit that happened that really fucked me up for life” Is.... Had a couple of, what I thought, were really good friends. Despite everything else that was bad I at least had them. We were a trio. It was amazing.  I.... Was wrong. I got a message, on AIM one day from one of them. She said that the other one, my best friend, had committed suicide. And that her family didn’t want to talk to me. Don’t call them, never speak to them again, don’t go to the funeral..... I was crying. And called another friend of mine because I 100% didn’t know what to do. Was it real? Was it a joke that I somehow was misinterpreting?  She told me to keep her updated; and that if I wanted to join her and her family at the mall I was more than welcome to. Mom comes home, sees that I’m crying. I tell her very quickly to keep her from getting angry. She thought I was lying at first for attention or some stupid shit until I showed her the chat log. She calls up the mom of my best friend and not only was it not true..... They were hanging out with each other at the other girl’s house. To this day, I have NO fucking clue if my best friend (at the time) was in on it or if it was done without her knowing. Either way, ANGRY MOM’S ALL AROUND, and my mom still questioned why I thought it was real cause hurr hurr I’m supposed to be smart. But also, I had already attempted suicide twice so OF. FUCKING. COURSE. I didn’t question the possibility.  Anyways. I learned a big lesson about my worth that day, from people whom I was closest with. The people who would shout “WE LOVE YOU~!” From the bus window. They remained friends with each other. But not with me. The girl never spoke to me again and my BF quickly made it apparent that I was, and always had been an annoyance in her life. I was weird, stupid, whiney, 14-year-old acting like a 10-year-old, the list goes on.  Could I have been a better friend? In some ways, yeah, maybe? Who knows. I don’t know.  And then Highschool massively tanked after that.  I failed assignments more than I passed them if it wasn’t for the creative projects and extra credit I would have completely flunked out.  POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING for the next few lines paragraphs, I’m not going into too much detail but I just want to give a fair warning. Three male friends: Two online and one I knew in person cause he was a friend of a friend.  All three of them were older, I was a minor and theeey...were not. One had just turned 18, one was 20, and I honestly don’t know how old the other guy was. O_o which is weird because I ended up being friends with him for years and I uh. Somehow never got his age. PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. :T The two online guys roped me into erp, knowing my age. Their reasoning? One of them told me I needed to learn to grow up, and how to be an adult. And that, also, as an artist, I needed to start drawing porn because otherwise, I’d never be good. He’d frequently send me NSFW art and shit and try to get me to find out what I liked, and yeah we all know what else he was doing. The other one? I don’t remember much but what I can remember strikes me as more subtle grooming than just rolling in with “WELL YER IN HIGH SCHOOL TIME TO GROW UP EVERYONE’S DOING THIS.” I HAD to deliver otherwise I was a shitty person, a disappointment.  And then the guy I knew in person would frequently make sexual comments about me, either to my face or to our mutual friend (Which pissed her off cause she had a crush on him, she was only a year older than me). All of this was done under the guise of... We’re friends! We love and care about you! We’re doing/saying this because we want you to be happy! You’re such a nice person! You’re so pretty when you smile! “I’m just trying to get you out of your shell.” “It’s better to find out what you like now with a friend who cares.” So on, and so forth.  Trigger warning over...ish?” There’s obviously a lot, and I mean a LOT of stuff I’m not saying. And before you yell THERAPY. Yeah, I’ve been. Yeeeeaaaah therapists never wanted to talk about any of this. I’d bring it up and they’d shut it down as “Unimportant” They’d open up trauma I’d forgotten about, realized they didn’t get paid enough to deal with my bullshit, and focus on other really random shit. BUT WHAT. I’m getting at is. Despite all this, I never got into drugs, or drinking, didn’t become a teenage parent, haven’t been arrested. It’s something I’m still processing and accepting. But like.  Looking back on everything as a whole, for the most part, I just. Everything that I went through SHOULD have turned me into an awful person, I mean. A lot of people would say that I am and I wouldn’t argue it BUT. Like. The damage is there, the damage is done. Some of this might never heal or might take several more years to heal I honestly don’t know.  I don’t understand how I am not. An awful person. Self-deprecating trash jokes aside.  I was only good when I kept quiet. I was only good when I followed their directions. I was only loved when they needed something.  I was only a good person with their approval, and I’d do anything to get it.  I’d sacrifice my belongings, my food, my time, my energy, I’d run to the defense of shitty friends and to the people who’d physically and emotionally hurt me. I feel guilty for outing them even though they’re not here, will never see this, and I didn’t even name names or give details that would give me away.  This stuff isn’t resigned to highschool, I’ve been through a LOT of shit since then but that’s a post for a different day.  There was a time where I had started to feel proud that despite everything I didn’t fall into a hole of drug and alcohol addiction and who knows what else. And I got shot down. I got shot down SO HARD.  I was a bully for being proud of that. I was a terrible person for recognizing my own strength. I was told I was actually weak, a coward, that I don’t know what true suffering is.  And I am still frequently told that I need to start doing MJ or other drugs to “Finally loosen up and be cool.” hnngph. THERE’S STILL A lot more to unpack but I don’t really feel like it right now. But I can’t process being a good person. I can’t hear “I love you!” and not get scared that everything is going to happen again and that I won’t be strong enough, that I’ll prove to all my classmates and family once and for all that I’m the horrible, shitty monster they’re all waiting and expecting me to be.   People say I’m a good person, and then I also frequently get lectured on how I need to toughen up and stop whining or get over myself or whatever.  So I’m not...good..I can’t be good? I’m too selfish, weak and vain to be a good person.  I should have known better, I should have been stronger, and I shouldn’t have given in to wanting to be validated, and loved.  AND SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT worse than me I have no business thinking I’m a good person or strong or whatever. Absolutely none. I feel so manipulative for even saying any of this. Hnnpgh.

[laracroftsleatherjacket]

Flower Asks: all of them >:3€ (forgive me)

(this is so many omg but I’ll allow it only bc i love u)

Alisons: Sexuality? 

     Gay af (ace lesbean)

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

     Waman (she/they)

Amaryllis: Birthday?

     November 2nd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

     Funnily enough anemones are one of my favs but i think my top favs are chrysanthemums and morning glories but I really love many flowers and flowers in general

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

     As of right now, stranger things duh

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

     Like favors or? I mean I really do try to be a kind and helpful person but if I don’t know somebody or haven’t at least seen them a couple times before I usually don’t do much bc of anxiety 

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

     "The extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are.” Lara Croft mostly bc I cant think of anything else right now and that stuck with me

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

     Like a really good cup of black tea with cream and sugar or sweet tea

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

     Never been kissed before but I definitely have someone in mind I would kiss ;3

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

     Hell yeah I am right now and I don’t think I ever have been before now

Baneberries: Favorite song?

     Oh hard question... currently really digging We Fell In Love in October by Girl in Red 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

     My family is supportive (for the most part) and very loving, even if they express love in weird ways sometimes. We also like to joke around a lot and make fun of each other but in a good way? Like we all have a good time mostly and I get along better with everyone since I started college

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

     My girlfriend is my best friend uwu I also have a lot of good friends but yeah

Begonia: Favorite color?

     Purble but specifically like a pastel purple and purples that lean more towards blue than pink

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

     Lynx! I love so many animals tho and I also like many cats and domestic cats in general

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

     Night!

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

     Probably would love to just be a loved house cat who gets to lay in front of the fire all day or a lynx bc i love them

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

     A veterinarian (or a special agent lmao)! I also still plan on being a vet tho even tho I get discouraged at least once a month 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

     I mean I like kids and I was a camp counselor for a summer, but I dont really want any of my own

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

     Oh god so many things.. Biggest thing would maybe be death/dying? Like if i think about it too much like the possibility of there just being nothing after death freaks me out. That and throwing up/nausea 

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

     I played soccer and then I was a competitive swimmer so i was kind of an athlete? even tho i hated sports

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

     I think I would like to go to waffle house, have the perfect cup of tea, spend lots of time with my loved ones and pet my kitties, play video games with my gf, and sit under a tree in the mountains preferably on a warmer day in the fall and watch the sunset 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

     Very happily taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

     Always wanted to visit Norway

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

      Really big long hugs, good morning or goodnight messages, and I also really love cards 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

     I have 6 

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

     Yup! I have an industrial, orbital, and 3 earlobe piercings   

California Poppy: Height?  

     5′2 or maybe a little less

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

     Yeah I think so, but I do also get freaked out easily lmao

Carnation: What are you currently wearing? 

     Red flannel, jeans, fuzzy socks, and big dyke boots  

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

     Yeah I did for a long time and I still sometimes sleep with one or like a bathroom light on if Im sleeping by myself in a new place

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

     Either my mom or my dad I dont remember technically who was last bc my parents are visiting me at college

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

     Again, never kissed or been kissed! but maybe soon... :0

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

     Font? I like the font in Night in the Woods?

Columbine: Are you tired?

     Pretty much always either sleepy or tired lol

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

     Christmas, getting to see my gf again, and Magfest!

Coneflower: Dream job?

     Like a veterinarian but having my own practice and also being able to take in injured wildlife if possible

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

     Introvert for sure

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

     Oh repeat question, hell yes

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

     Depends what it is but I would go pretty far for somebody I care about and Im also a crazy person and would drive/travel no matter what distance for someone I love

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

     Yup! I had a ballerina bunny, named Bunny because I was very creative and I still have her

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

     Scorpio

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

     I think so? I did a lot of cool stuff with my GS troop like our bronze award project and going ziplining and to sliding rock. 

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

     My GS gold award for sure, that shit was hard work and stressful af

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

     Umm??? I would tell my dad to eat shit and die and I cant imagine my mom being anything but sweet and supportive so I dont even know

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

     You! This morning uwu

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

     uhh Im pretty good at making sense of stuff in my science labs and reasoning and im sometimes good at art? I feel like I do traditional better but Im getting better at digital

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

     bad at not being impulsive sometimes and bad at dead by daylight 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

     a little over a month but officially got a girlfriend who i love very much, my gf came down to visit and we got to chill on the mountains together, and I had a pretty nice birthday 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

     Good! Got breakfast at a diner with my parents and got coffee and a donut at my fav coffee shop so thats all i really need in life tbh 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

     Yeah Im happy even tho Im stressed with school at times 

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

     Get a job after graduation and hopefully get into vet school on the first or second try

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

     My kitty, mom, wonderful gf, sister, dead by daylight, heated blanket, apartment, waffle house, my sisters kitty, and my dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

     Donuts, coffee or tea, blankets, video games, and loud music

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

     Hmm... I really like to draw art for those i love, tell them how much i love them even though i can be bad with words, and i just try to spend a lot of time with the people I care about no matter what we are doing

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

     uhhh trying to open up more? and Im really proud of my gf 

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

     Going to waffle house. Go to a mountain and hike a little, sit on the top with girlfriend. Admire beauty of mountain countryside. Admire beauty of girlfriend while they admire the beauty of the mountain. Then warm up together with hot chocolate and play video games

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

     I like to doodle and do the arts, play video games, and I like to bake sometimes

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

     uuuuuuh I have a good friend I’ve known since kindergarten or first grade when I first moved to where I currently live

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

     My gf uwu and my mem

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

     probably like less than 10 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

     I think its really cute especially when you compliment my laugh

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

     ??? I think I am an okay person? And I try to be a good person and be kind and polite to people

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

     Umm... I mean I like that Im kind? and Im not fake and I try to be a good person     

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

      I hate that I procrastinate and that I can get frustrated easily at myself and at situations like crowds and traffic

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

     I liked to play ��restaurant’ with my sister with our littlest pet shops

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

     I had a really great best friend named Rachel :c

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

     Losing a lot of friends and for being distant for a long time 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

     Cutting off a friend that was bad for my mental health and who didnt treat me well even though we were best friends for a long time 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

     My name is literally my parents ship name... like they even told me they chose my name by putting their names together lmao but I mean I like my name so i guess its okay..

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

     Small town in new jersey when I was really, it was nice and family was closer. Then we moved and that was difficult but I ended up adjusting and it was good, had a decent amount of friends and the schools i went to were good

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

     For a long time I shared a room with my sister and we had a bunkbed and I had the top bunk of course, when we moved out of the apartment and into a house I got my own room and it was baby blue only because I told my dad that no, I didnt want a fuckin pink room and that was a whole thing lmao

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

    It was good? but also sucked a lot. I had a lot of issues with my mental health and struggled for a long while with something. I was bullied and stuff at home wasnt always that great. And i got outed so that was fun. Other than that I enjoyed swimming competitively and I got into art

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

I love my mom!! she is the most Mom mom and is so sweet and always there for me. She helps me out so much with so many things and I just love my mom so much

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

     I mean I love my dad? And hes better than he used to be, but he still doesnt help with shit and irritates me a lot. 

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

     I never got to know my grandfather on my moms side bc he passed away a few months before i was born and I sort of knew my grandmother but she lived far away and passed away 10 years ago. I usually see my gramma on my dads side the most and I try to visit often and help her out with stuff and I love her even though she can be a bit... racist and shit.. and I sometimes see my grandpa and step grandma but they can be strict about weird shit and always ask a lot of uncomfortable questions

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

     I dont really do much on my birthdays? Ive had a lot of nice birthdays and it usually involves going out to dinner or having a nice dinner at home and having birthday cake and playing games like jenga or yahtzee.

Peony: What was your first job?

     I did some petsitting for a while but my first real job was being a camp counselor/tower belayer/lifeguard at a girl scout camp

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)?

     Met online after following them for a long time and drawing some arts for them, but didnt really start chatting until stranger things 3 came out bc I saw they had just watched it. Didnt meet irl until fursonacon and I just remember seeing them walking up to my car when I got there and just being like .... oh no.  I had already had a crush but at that point I was just heart eyes      

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

     Its a little fucked up but depending on the type of physical pain I like it? Like getting tattoos and stuff.. emotional/mental I just curl up in blankets and listen to sad music lol

Pink: Where is home?

    I feel like I have many homes? I feel really at home in the mountains, at home with my family, and when Im with my girlfriend

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

     Every event no matter how shitty shaped me into who i am today and Im pretty content and lucky with what I have today so maybe nothing?

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

     My GS leader Miss Kristin. So incredibly kind and outgoing and just willing to do whatever she can to help others. Shes so adventurous and outgoing and made my gs troop so amazing. She is such a wonderful lady and shes basically like another mom to me.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

     To be with my SO in a nice cabin in the mountains with a nice fireplace. Its cozy and we have pets (especially kitties but also maybe a dog and chickens and such) and life is okay and we’re happy

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

     God and Santa Claus (i was so heartbroken (over santa not God lmao))

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

     My girlfriend and my mom

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

    My gfs voice and their laugh c: and I also really like the sound of thunderstorms and rain

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

     To see my gf again and for winter break to just be here already I am so done with school lol

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

     Difficult? I try really hard to express how I feel but I usually mess up and I get anxious but I try my best lol

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

     Any of my loved ones and my cat 

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

     I wish I got more sleep but it was an okay amount

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

     Good morning texts from my gf and my gf in general

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

      I dont currently have a job but I occasionally do art commissions which is usually fun and gives me something to do 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

     Any of my flannels and my leather jacket (also not mine but my gfs hoodie they gave to me to borrow)

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic. 

     mountains, cabins, flowers, fall, flannel, small coffee shops, pastels 

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

     Im not one to be picky about gifts? I just love anything that someone put some thought into and thought I would like or reminded them of me but i feel bad if it was something expensive or anything lol

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

     Final exams and graduation

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

     0 lmao I used to read a shit ton but Ive been picky about what books I want to read lately 

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

    Working towards applying to vet school and maybe thinking about moving out depending on a lot of things.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

     Unfortunately

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

     I like collecting pins, pennies, and postcards which is funny to me

(So in conclusion,,, I love my gf)

(wow that was long as hell and took forever but done!)

[apparently-im-a-hufflepuff]

Pedro Albizu Campos

An essay I wrote in 8th grade

    I was in the lobby, I had just bought some pastéles from the hotel restaurant. It was a very sunny day and many rich tourists were leaving to go to the beach. Just as I was about to take a bite of my pastél, all the chatter around me stopped. I turned to look at the the door and in walked two very important men. One had lost the election for Puerto Rican Senate, and the other one was Colonel E. Francis Riggs, he had come when the U.S invaded. Once they had sat down, the people around me started their conversations again. I could only understand some of what they were talking about, but I could tell they were speaking English. It sounded like they were having a normal conversation. They were talking about things like the weather. Then their conversation seemed to get more serious. I could understand they were talking about the position for senate. Colonel Riggs said that he would help the other man win the senate position next time, if he stopped helping with The Sugar Cane Strike. In response Don Pedro, El Maestro, stood up and told him “Puerto Rico is not for sale, at least not by me.” and then he left.

Pedro Albizu Campos was the president of the Puerto Rican National Party from 1930 - 1965. Albizu Campos was considered a hero to Puerto Ricans because he was fighting for their independence. He was considered a terrorist to the U.S because the National Party was using violent protests. He tried to gain Puerto Rican independence by protesting and traveling around South America and the Caribbean and spreading news about Puerto Rico.

Pedro Albizu Campos was born September 12, 1891 in Tenerías de Ponce, Puerto Rico. His father, Alejandro “El Vizcaíno” Albizu Romero, never paid attention to him. His mother, Juliana Campos, was suicidal. She tried to drown both of them in Río Bucaná multiple times. Later, when he was 4 years old, she tried to walk across the river and drown. His mom had drowned and his dad wasn’t around.  Being orphaned at 4 he ran around Puerto Rico barefoot until his aunt adopted him. When he was 7 years old the U.S invaded Puerto Rico. General Miles was one of the first Americans to come to Puerto Rico after the U.S had invaded. He had just finished his speech about how Puerto Rico was part of the U.S. Then 7 year old Pedro Albizu Campos, who couldn’t understand English yet, shouted “¡Que viva Puerto Rico!” 

Pedro Albizu Campos didn’t go to school until he was 12 years old. Even though he started school late, he finished the first 8 grades in 4 ½ years. By the time he was in high school he had caught up with his original grade. He the graduated from Ponce High School in 2 years with a 96% average. He was at the top of his class. He was fluent in many languages. By the time he graduated from college he was fluent in Spanish, English, French, German, Portuguese, Italian, Latin and Ancient Greek.

In 1912, Albizu Campos was accepted into the University Of Vermont. There he studied chemistry. After a year he transferred to Harvard. While at Harvard he taught Spanish at Walpole High School and tutored many other students in chemistry, French and Spanish. He also worked as a translator and was a writer for the Christian Science Monitor. He also met Laura Menses, who was a Quechua Native American from Peru, at Harvard and proposed to her on their third date. Later they had 3 kids; Pedro, Rosa Emilia, and Laura. He was supposed to be the valedictorian of his graduating class at Harvard, but his professors delayed his exams so that he couldn’t graduate on time or give his speech. They delayed his exams because he was going to be the first Puerto Rican to graduate from Harvard, and they didn’t want him to be valedictorian because of his background. During World War I he joined the U.S Army’s Infantry Branch. He was assigned to the 375th Infantry Regiment and became the 2nd Lieutenant. In 1918 he was honorably discharged from the military. He returned to Harvard in 1919 and studied law, literature, philosophy, chemical engineering and military science.

After graduating from Harvard a second time, he was offered many jobs; a clerkship with the U.S Supreme Court, a diplomatic post at the U.S embassy in Mexico, Judgeship in Yauco, Puerto Rico, and an executive position with a U.S corporation. Instead he moved back to Puerto Rico and bought a house in a poor barrio, so he could would know about all the problems regular people had. He joined the Union Party of Puerto Rico and then left in 1921 to join the Puerto Rican National Party. In 1924 he became the vice-president and in 1930 he became the president of the National Party. The National Party wanted all the Puerto Rican land and banks to be controlled by Puerto Rico. They also wanted Spanish to be the first language in the schools and didn’t want to make any payments to the U.S. In 1932 he tried to run for Puerto Rican Senate, but he only got 5,257 votes and lost. After he lost the election, he got many death threats, so he took his family to Peru to keep them safe. Then he traveled through South and Central America, the Dominican Republic, and Cuba. In Cuba he created “National Junta Por Independencia De Puerto Rico” (National Board For The Independence Of Puerto Rico).

By 1934, the U.S owned most of Puerto Rico’s sugar cane and coffee farms. Since the U.S owned the farm,s the workers didn’t get paid much money. Albizu Campos led the strike to get the workers more money. During the strike he helped create the Ascoiación De Trabajadores De Puerto Rico (The Workers Association Of Puerto Rico). He then caught the attention of Colonel E. Francis Riggs, who told him that he’d help him win the spot for Senate next time, if he stopped helping with the strike. Colonel Riggs also told Albizu Campos that if he didn’t take stop, he’d take his offer to Luis Muñoz Marin. In response Albizu Campos told him “Puerto Rico is not for sale, at least not by me.” Muñoz Marin ended up winning the spot for Senate. Later he created the Cadets of the Republic, which was a youth nationalist party. He also came to be called Don Pedro or El Maestro (The Teacher). 

Albizu Campos was sent to jail many times during his life. He was found guilty for “conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States.” He was sentenced for 10 years and was sent to a jail in Atlanta, Georgia. In 1950 there was a Nationalist attack on a police station and they tried to assassinate President Harry Truman. Albizu Campos was found guilty, even though he wasn’t there, for attempted murder and illegal use of arms. Many people in Puerto Rico protested in response to him getting arrested. The protests led to the Ponce Massacre where the police shot and killed 21 Puerto Ricans including a 53 year old and a 7 year old girl. The U.S also created a law called La Ley De La Mordaza. According to the law Puerto Ricans couldn’t display their flag or sing patriotic songs. Later he was arrested again because two nationalists, Elias Beauchamp and Hiram Rosado, assassinated a police chief. Later Beauchamp and Rosado were killed and it became known as the Piedras (stones) Massacre. In 1950 there were uprisings in towns around Puerto Rico. People were protesting Albizu Campos’s arrest. Blanca Canales, who was 24 years old, led an attack on the governor's mansion in San Juan. Don Pedro was sentenced for 80 years, but in 1953 Governor Luis Muñoz Marin pardoned him. Later an independence group assaulted The Blair House  in Washington D.C and he was arrested again. 

While in jail Albizu campos was tortured with radiation. He was put into Total Body Irradiation (TBI) for five years. He was getting burns, headaches, sores and was feeling sick from the radiation. The prison guards called him “El Rey De Las Toallas” (The King Of Towels) because the only way for him to lessen the pain was to be wrapped in damp towels. The guards put two prisoners in his cell with him and they were getting burns and headaches just by being close to him. Whenever the U.S was questioned about it, they told people that he was crazy. An Argentine newspaper called Verdad (true) had a headline that said “The Apostle Of Puerto Rican Liberty Is Slowly Being Murdered In Jail By Means Of Electronic Rays.” He was tortured in prison until March 27, 1956 when he had cerebral thrombosis and fell into a coma. The prison guards waited two days before taking him to the hospital. He was taken to San Juan Presbyterian Hospital. While there the President Of The Cuban Cancer Association confirmed that he had been exposed to radiation. For the last nine years of his life he couldn’t walk or talk and the right side of his body was paralyzed. He died April 21, 1965 and was buried in the Old San Juan Cemetery.

Pedro Albizu Campos came to be known by many names like Don Pedro, El Maestro and he was also sometimes called the Puerto Rican Malcolm X. He spent most of his life fighting for Puerto Rican freedom. No matter how hard he tried Puerto Rico is still part of the U.S. Even though he didn’t gain the freedom he wanted, he still made an impact on many places. In Ponce, Puerto Rico, there is a statue of him in Pedro Albizu Campos Park. In New York City, Campos Plaza was named after him. In Paseo Boricua, Chicago, in Humboldt Park there is also a statue of him.

After his death the FBI files about the radiation were declassified. People found out that the U.S was torturing not only Albizu Campos, but many other Puerto Ricans. Some Puerto Ricans still feel like they don’t have as many rights as continental Americans. The U.S says that they are waiting for the island to figure out whether the want to be part of it or not. 

Many places in Puerto Rico celebrate Albizu Campos’s birthday. The first time his birthday was celebrated was in Ponce 40 years ago. Now many places in Puerto Rico celebrate his birthday, even though most people don’t know what he did. Some famous people have also tried to spread his message. René Pérez, from the band Calle 13, is one of those people. Some other people are Andres Jimenez and El Jibaro, they wrote a song called Pedro Albizu Campos.

In conclusion Pedro Albizu Campos was a hero to many Puerto Ricans. He turned down many jobs in the U.S so that he could fight for independence. He was also arrested multiple times. Sometimes he wasn’t even there for the event that caused his arrest. He stood up for what he believed in and he was taking a stand until he died on April 24, 1965. If Albizu Campos had never took a stand the world today probably wouldn’t be much different. Puerto Rico is still part of the U.S and many people don’t know who he is. He is also still considered a terrorist to the the U.S, which means people probably won’t be learning about him in schools.

[betsynagler]

The Four (Thousand, New) Questions

When I was growing up, I didn't really have to think too much about what it meant to be a Jewish American. A large part of that was living in New Jersey, where being a member of the tribe isn’t exactly an anomaly. In Newark, pretty much all of my friends were Jewish or Black, until I spent 2nd grade in Catholic School. You’d think that might make it weird, but even then, it wasn’t. All my new friends just had Irish and Italian names, and I got to sit in the back during mass and read, which is the dream of every second grader. And when we moved to the suburbs, things became, if anything, more Jewy. We joined Temple Israel and actually tried going to services every once in a while, and I went to Hebrew school on Saturdays. At my suburban public grade school, I learned the term “Jappy” something my friends and I called other girls that we considered spoiled, regardless of whether or not they were Jewish, and in junior high, the school bus that came from the most wealthy, Jewish neighborhood in town was sometimes referred to as “The Jew Canoe.” Who did we learn these terms from? Other Jews. We were the ones trading in the laughable stereotypes, because that’s American Jewish culture all over: we joke because we can. It’s never been in doubt in my lifetime that we belong here, to the degree that we are comfortable poking fun at ourselves, enough that while we are very aware that we aren’t and will never be the majority — and if you forget that, you always have the 30 to 60 days of Christmas to remind you — we are perfectly okay with that; and enough to feel safe in the knowledge that the past is the past, because in the Tri-State Area in the 1970s and 80s, anti-Semitism was about as real to me as Star Wars: something that existed long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The same thing with Nazis. Nazis were the movie villains nobody got upset about. Nobody ever said, “Why do the Nazis always have to be the bad guys?” Why? Because they were the bad guys. 

That doesn’t mean that my Jewish identity was 100% uncomplicated, mostly because I was raised to figure stuff out for myself. Mine were the kind of parents who took us to fancy restaurants and said, “Want to order the escargot? Have at it!”, perhaps not realizing that they’d end up with a seven-year-old who liked to try every appetizer on the menu but had a stomach the size of a golfball – which led to my parents gaining weight in the 70s, which led to their joining the exercise craze in the 80s...See how history happens? Being able to make my own decisions meant I could quit Hebrew school after one year (I was already a well-practiced quitter of stuff I didn't like, such as wearing dresses and learning the violin). I felt a little guilty about it, so I was definitely Jewish in that way, but one of the reasons I couldn’t get behind religious school was the fact that Judaism was supposedly my religion, but – go figure – our family was not religious. My parents don’t agree on which type of not-religious they are, since my mother describes herself as an atheist and my father calls himself an agnostic, but that’s only if you push them, since neither of them cares enough about it either way. They still identify as Jewish, and therein lay the confusion for me: Judaism is kind of an ethnic identity as well as a religion, but in a weird way, because you can convert to it, which you can’t do with, say, Slavic, and because it’s not one where we all come from one specific place, since Jews were basically driven out of everywhere. Sure, my family were all driven out of one country, Poland, but that didn’t exactly make them feel Polish. No, we were definitely Jews, just the secular kind, which is actually a thing — although I didn’t know anyone else like that in high school, the result being that in my group of friends, a mix of Jews and non-Jews, I was in my own category of Jewish, But Doesn’t Know When Any of the Holidays Are.

When I went to college on the West Coast, where I was meeting new people all the time, it was common for people tell me I didn’t “look Jewish,” which seemed to just fit right in with every other confusing part of my Jewish identity. You might think that, as a stealth Jew, I’d finally be privy to negativity about us, but that never happened. That was around the time of the rise of the religious right, and there were a lot of born-again Christians at Stanford, my freshman dorm was full of them. But while they may have believed I was going to hell, most of them still seemed happy to hang with me while we were alive – one of them even took me out for fro yo once (that’s short for “frozen yogurt,” and eating it together at Stanford in 1987 was called “dating”). If anything, being Jewish around them was an advantage, because they never tried to rebirth me the way they did other Christians, like my poor freshman roommate – I would come back to our room to find her surrounded by a group of them, looking uncomfortable, like she was getting hit on by Jesus. Mind you, I know now that my school was a liberal bubble inside the liberal bubble that was Northern California, and that protected me from a lot of things. But while we were definitely dealing with racism and sexism on campus at the time, anti-Semitism? That just wasn’t a thing.

Neither was being a Jewish person who didn’t support Israel. I didn’t know all that much about Israel growing up. I knew that it was the Jewish state, where I had once had some relatives, and that my cousins and eventually my brother — who finished Hebrew school — went to visit because they felt like it was an important way to learn about who they were. I didn’t. But when, in college, I had my first conversation with someone who’d lived in Israel about the way that Israelis felt this constant existential threat to their existence that justified their defensive posture when it came to negotiating peace with the Palestinians, even though they clearly had vast military superiority, I didn’t necessarily agree, but I got it. I understood why Israelis felt that, in a visceral, six-million-dead-just-because-they-were-like-you way that I think most non-Jews can’t. 

That was probably as much of a surprise to me as it was to anyone: that, on some level, in spite of not looking Jewish, or being able to speak Hebrew, or knowing what Sukkot was (if it wasn’t about eating or presents, it didn’t make it into the Nagler Canon of Holidays), I actually still somehow just was Jewish. And that part of my identity might never have really sunk in if I hadn’t become a New Yorker. Moving here didn’t just mean that I discovered Zabars, or that I was a bagel snob, or that I would be able to have lox at catering pretty much every day (and occasionally take some home if it was really good), although those things did indeed happen. New York was able to absorb and assimilate Jewish culture in a way that allowed it to flourish as one distinct flavor of the whole that is this city of many flavors. New York is a Jewish city – in same way that it’s also Italian, Irish, African-American, Puerto Rican, Chinese, Russian, Indian, Dominican, Pakistani, Caribbean, Mexican, and the list goes on depending on who’s arrived recently and who’s coming next. And so, from the way I relate to food, to my sense of humor, to my analytical and intellectual side, to how forthright/tactless I can be, to my overall worldview: living here enabled me to recognize that I just wouldn’t be this way if I weren’t Jewish.

Everything feels different in 2019 in so many, surreal ways, but what exactly it means to be Jewish in America is definitely a big one. I’ve felt some vulnerability and uncertainty as a woman for most of my life, as you do, but I’ve never felt that way about being a Jew until now. To the point that I can’t call myself “a Jew” any more, because suddenly, that’s an epithet. How the hell did that happen? When did we allow them to take that word away? Then there’s the realization of, Wait, we can’t make those jokes any more because there are people who actually still think that shit about us? And they’re telling other people? Fucking internet. Add to that the fault lines within the American Jewish community over Israel and the ground really starts to feel like it’s swaying under your feet. How much we should continue to support this country that seems increasingly unrecognizable to me, that is so racked by fear and sectarianism that it appears to have given up on peace and democracy, that votes for a leader who has demonstrated time and again that he is both racist and corrupt? Well, now that I’ve put it like that, okay, maybe this is something that Israel and the United States have in common right now, but that doesn’t make it any better for those of use who are trying to stay on the sane side of it all. I’m lucky that most of my family is in agreement with me on these issues, but my mother has some cousins with whom she is close that she had to ask to stop sending her political emails, because their conservative views about Israel seemed to have somehow spread to abortion and immigration, despite that fact that they live in San Francisco. Jewish Trump supporters? From the Bay Area? What the hell is the going on?! Come on, this can’t be us. When an audience at the Republican Jewish Coalition cheers when Trump says “Our country’s full. You can’t come in,” don’t they hear the eerie echos of what the American government said to the boats full of Jews they sent back to be slaughtered in the holocaust? Don’t they know that we are supposed to be sharp, and educated, and fucking liberals? Oh, wait, is “liberal” now a bad word not just among conservatives but for some on the left too, as in the “liberal elite who control everything” that they’re always talking about? But, double wait, wasn’t that just another way anti-Semites used to say “the Jews” without saying “the Jews”? But triple wait, aren’t Bernie Sanders and Glenn Greenwald Jewish? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Of course, this about when all of your older Jewish relatives shake their heads at all of this and say, “See? This is exactly the shit always happens to us. Somehow, when things go bad in the world, and people start believing crazy conspiracy shit, that always turns back on the Jews.” I never believed that before, so to see it sort of happening right before my eyes is really something. But at the same time, I’m sure as hell not going to let that make me just silo up. Yeah, there are the swastikas, and the Tree of Life synagogue shooting, and “Jews will not replace us,” but can we honestly say we have it worse than everyone else who’s under attack in this country right now? What’s the point of joining a grievance competition that just gives the people who are trying to divide the left exactly what they want? It’s how, when the new questions that confuse and divide us just keep coming — What do we say or not say about Ilhan Omar? What about the schism in the Women’s March? What about the Senate bill that would allow state and local governments to withhold contracts from those who boycott Israel that Chuck Schumer supported? — they just get us to go after each other.

Let’s not do that. Sure, maybe this is just another case of me getting older and less able to accept how the world is changing — sort of a, “Damn Nazis, get off my lawn!” type of thing – and maybe I should just go along with this new normal. But that's one thing I know is definitely not me. MoTs like to talk shit out, sometimes too much, but eh. Let’s bring that tradition of analysis and argument — and I mean the kind where you’re forthright and emotional, but you still know how to listen — to bear on the questions we’re having both on the left and in the Jewish community about how we move forward, instead of fleeing back into our fears from the past.

[purplesurveys]

382

-What was the last song that you sang out loud? I played a Destiny’s Child playlist when we were out for a bit earlier so I was most likely rapping along to Bug A Boo before we got home. -If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? I don’t think I can. I’d rather just not have my face directly on them when talking. -With which friend are you most likely to share a secret? Angela. She knows e v e r y t h i n g. -Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? My...phone? Haha. If I get anxious I need to watch videos to distract me. My phone has YouTube. Also bracelets that Gabie has given me over the years. -When are you likely to hide your emotions? When I’m with people that don’t really know about my anxiety. People I’m not close to, in general.

-Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? I think both are equally terrifying??? Both put the body in immense pain and it goes through a slow, agonizing shutdown and I don’t even want to think about experiencing other lol. -Who was the last person to take your breath away? MY GIRLFRIEND -When you turn on the TV, what channel do you flip to? Probably a movie channel but I legit have not watched television in yearssss. I watch everything on Netflix now. -Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? No. -What was the last comment someone made on your music taste? I don’t have much of a music taste so it’s not really something people tend to make comments on. -Where do you go/what do you do when you need to calm down? My room. Or to my best friends. -What was the last mess you cleaned up? I had a stack of readings and stationery scattered all over the dining table last night when I was studying, so I cleaned everything up before going to bed. -Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? Yes I had to talk to Toby because he made a series of disturbing tweets a couple of weeks ago. We aren’t close per se, but he’s an orgmate and therefore a friend, so I messaged him immediately. I’m happy it worked, cos he showed up to school the next day and gave me a bear hug. -When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? Work. -Who, in your opinion, has an amazing voice? Hannah sings a lot, and I really like it when she does because she sounds great. -Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars? Of course.

-What is the last thing you complained about? I need a printer to print out my readings (I absolutely cannot study from an e-book) but ours has been broken for years and there’s no Internet/printing shop nearby. UGH I’m serious about complaining over not being able to study haha.   -What was the last curse-word you said? Fuck. -When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I would never fake sick to my Asian mom.  -How did you recover from your last bout of tears? I slept. As is always the most effective way to stop crying. -Do you still talk to your very first best friend? Yes. I talked to her last night. -When was the last time something went terribly wrong? Well a couple of weeks ago Gab and I had a huge, really serious fight that had just been unfixable–it was the kind of fight that you just had to wait. And the wait was torture. I was really scared then and I stayed in bed for what was probably 48 hours and ate like two times in that period. -How do you console someone when he or she is upset? I stay with them and listen to them if they have to let things out. -Have you ever seen either one of your parents cry? Just my mom. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw my dad cry. -Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? OUTER SPACE. I’d do anything to have a glimpse into my astronaut dream. -How often do you feel overwhelmed? 7 days a week. -How do you deal with everyday life? Get by. Aren’t we all forced to? -Do you have any secret obsessions or guilty pleasures? I don’t think so. I’m never guilty of whatever it is I’m obsessing at the moment haha. I am into serial killers, like reading and watching docus about them; and obviously I never announce it the world unless it comes up in conversation. -Aside from on this survey, what was the last thing you wrote about? I was writing down notes on my readings from my Southeast Asian history class. -Who in your family do you act like the most? I’m a mix of my mom and dad. I seriously can’t tell you who I act more like. There are certain phrases my mom says that I say, and certain intonations and mannerisms I got from my dad.  -What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? I’m into intimate, more between-the-two-of-you kind of stuff, so I always appreciate it when Gab volunteers to drive my car if I ever drink a little bit too much for the night. She helps me get to bed and gets me some clothes to wear too, which is always sweet.

-When you go out to the mall, do people stare? Not me, but my girlfriend and I obviously will get stares from time to time for holding hands. -Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? No. -What just tears at your heartstrings? Videos of dogs reuniting with their owners, abused dogs getting saved and all groomed up, or dogs getting adopted. -Is there a show you swear that you will never watch? GAME OF THRONES -What was the last topic that you ranted about? The lack of a printer that I delved on several survey questions ago. -Is there someone that makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Jane lol. She’s the president of our org and will easily get pissed the fuck off sometimes, and it never does my anxiety any good. -Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? Yes. We had this monster of a PE teacher in 2nd grade who would literally kick down doors if she gets angry and would yell at 8 year olds. How she ever got employed in the first place still baffles me. -Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? That’s a huuuuuge no-no in our school, so no. Plus I came from an all-girls’ Catholic school; it just wasn’t in anyone’s nature to pick a fight. -Have you written anything in a bathroom stall? What, if anything? No, I feel so iffy about vandalizing in public. -Is your school like the drama capital of the country? HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You can say that, damn. -A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? I give them a little more and a snack if I had any. -When was the last time you visited a thrift store? I don’t remember. I don’t think I have? -Was there ever a time when you wished you'd never been born? Always. I didn’t even choose to be born lol. -Can you handle constructive criticism? Uhhhhhh only if it’s from someone I truly respect. Otherwise I can honestly be a big baby about criticism. -Who is the most sensitive person that you know? ME. Also one of my friends, Mils. -Have you ever had a tooth (or teeth) pulled? Nope. -You can have one famous person's wardrobe; who do you choose, and why? Kate’s!!! She dresses so well and looks pretty in all of her outfits. -When was the last time you wrote someone a note? I think December? Aya was down in the dumps pretty bad so I dropped her a short message on Facebook to let her know that I’m always around for her. -Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? I ask permission. Duh. I’m Asian.  -What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? Agatha’s birthday party. She’s a good friend, but I’m not friends with any of her friends and I just can’t relate with the college block we both belong to. I scheduled a date with Gabie’s dad on the same night because I didn’t want to go to the party. -On average, how many surveys do you fill out in one day? If I had a lot of time, I could fill out three. Nowadays it’s like once a day/a couple of times a week. -How many hours a day do you spend on Bzoink? I don’t stay on Bzoink; I just go on there to look for surveys. -Which season do you dread the most? I hate Philippine summers. -Do you ever brag about your achievements? Oh god never. I hate putting any attention on me. -If someone makes fun of you, are you able to laugh it off? Tbh no, I’m pretty sensitive and serious in that aspect. I mean I’d smile to be polite but will most likely be whispering something evil about them in my head hahahaha. -When was the last time that you watched the sun come up? Three years ago, in Sagada. -What did you do last Halloween? I think I went out with Gab that day, but it wasn’t to celebrate Halloween. -Last Thanksgiving? -Last Christmas - if you celebrate? I like how Christmas has the *if you celebrate* disclaimer but the North American-centric Thanksgiving doesn’t. Anyway, we had several family dinners and we ate and drank and caught up with one another. -How did you celebrate the arrival of the new year? Also saw some relatives and ate and drank and bonded with my cousins. -Is there a foreign culture you'd like to learn more about? I’d like to know more about all of them if I had the time and the chance. -Have you ever (purposely or accidentally) played with someone's heart? I possibly might’ve with Mike but I don’t want to be an ass and assume. -Has anyone ever played with yours? Sure, you can say that. -Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought "I could have done that?” Not famous, but expensive ones. The ones that are paint splatters hah. -Fire drills: Did you ever wish they were real ... just once? LOL YES. I’m terrible for thinking that but yes. Mostly because everyone was such kids about it and never took the drills seriously. I secretly wanted a real one to happen just to see those people regret not being any more serious.

-What is the scariest thing about attending your school? Nothing’s scary about UP. If you’re scared to be in UP you can’t survive in it. -Are you a good judge of other people's intentions? Meh. I can tell sometimes. What was the last thing that you felt strongly about? I’m not so sure, it’s been a while. -Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? Girlfriend. -What is one insecurity you have about your body? Teeth. -What is one part of your body that you are proud of? My overall figure. -When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? Ages ago. I’m getting old myself and don’t want my music too loud lmfao. -When you don't know how to spell a word, do you look it up? Yes, of course. -Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? Nope. I hate making people wait. -Have you seen the movie Super Size Me? No. -Do you still eat at McDonald's, regardless of that film? I’d probably continue eating at any fast food establishment even if I watch a billion documentaries exposing them, being completely honest. -Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a different race? Sometimes. -Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? Of course. Except for one snowflake race out there, lol. -When was the last time you doubted your abilities? Now? -At your favorite restaurant, what do you order? I don’t pick favorite restaurants. -What was the last thing you wished for? A DAMN PRINTER. -How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? Too many. I’m perpetually impatient.

[iamclementinefromdistrict3]

✿ FILL IN THE BLANKS ✿

basics what’s your name ➔ Ana Clara do you have a nickname ➔ Clarinha or Clarita do you have a middle name ➔ yes do you like your name ➔ i used to dislike my last name, but i like it now :) do people often mispronounce your name ➔ sometimes haha do you like the meaning of your name ➔ yes, it means bright when is your birthday ➔ September 2nd how old are you ➔ 18 do you like your age ➔ sure :D what’s your zodiac sign ➔ virgo appearance what’s your hair colour ➔ dark brown is your current hair colour your natural hair colour ➔ yes do you dye your hair ➔ i dyed it black once but I prefer my natural colour do you have natural highlights ➔ only in the sunlight when was the last time you had a haircut ➔ june, and soon when I feel it’s gotten big again :) what length is your hair right now ➔ above the shoulders do you have straight, wavy or curly hair ➔ between straight and wavy do you have frizzy hair ➔ sometimes do you use a curling iron ➔ no do you use a hair straightener ➔ nope do you braid your hair ➔ yassss, i love braiding my hair what’s your eye colour ➔ dark brown do your eyes change colour ➔ no do you wear contacts ➔ no if so, do you use colour contacts or regular contacts ➔  not so, so do you wear glasses ➔ no do you have naturally long eyelashes ➔ nah do you wear braces ➔ i used to  do you have dimples ➔ yes do you have moles ➔ i got a cute one on my chin do you have outstanding cheekbones ➔ yes do you have freckles ➔ does sun freckles count? do you have piercings ➔ only double pierced ears c: do you have tattoos ➔ no do you wear make up ➔ when i feel like it do you paint your nails ➔ sometimes do you wear jewelry ➔ yes are you happy with your height ➔ i’m medium heighted but i’m cool with that would you consider yourself outgoing or shy ➔ shy are you sarcastic ➔ of course sweetie what’s your biggest fear ➔ not being able to protect those who i love, also creepy dolls, statues and gigantic things what’s your guilty pleasure ➔ food in general are you religious ➔ kinda, i’m not really attached to religion, just believe in a force that’s stronger than us do you get easily along with people ➔ i’m shy but i’m pretty easygoing do you cry easily ➔ T O T A L L Y ;’( school do you go to middle school ➔ no do you go to high school ➔ no do you go to a private school ➔ I’ve studied 11 years in one and 3 years in Public High School are you homeschooled ➔ no have you graduated from school ➔ yes what grade are you in ➔ graduated beotch have you skipped a grade ➔ yes have you been held back a grade ➔ no have you ever failed a class ➔ no have you been sent to the principals office ➔ yes have you skipped school ➔ yes have you cheated on a test ➔ lol a lot family do you live with your biological parents ➔ just my biological mom do you get along with your parents ➔ a lot with my mom but I don’t live with my dad, but we get along sometimes do you tell your parents everything ➔ yeah do you have strict parents ➔ kinda do you have siblings ➔ yes are you the oldest ➔ no are you in the middle ➔ no are you the youngest ➔ yes are all of your grandparents still alive ➔ no friendships do you have a best friend ➔ yes do you have more than 10 friends ➔ yeah do you have at least 2 friends you can trust with your life ➔ yes do you have a lot of guy friends, a lot of girl friends or equal girl and guy friends ➔ mostly girls relationships what’s your relationship status ➔ single have you ever been in love ➔ yeah and it sucks do you believe in love at first sight ➔ yeah have you ever been in a relationship ➔ no have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ i think so have you ever been asked out on a date ➔ nope have you ever been kissed ➔ no have you ever made out with someone ➔ no have you ever been cheated on ➔ no have you ever been proposed to ➔ no do you want to get married ➔ no do you want kids ➔ hell nah country where were you born ➔ Brazil where do you live right now ➔ Brazil have you ever been out of the country ➔ yes, Chile and New Zealand do you prefer country or city ➔ city do you like sightseeing ➔ yes is one or more of your parents from another country ➔ no what places would you like to visit  ➔ Canada, England, Spain and Netherlands are you fluent in more than one language ➔ yes what languages can you speak ➔ brazilian portuguese, english and a little bit of spanish health do you have any allergies ➔ only to mold are you lactose intolerant ➔ no have you had surgery ➔ yes have you had stitches ➔ yes have you broken a bone ➔ yes has someone close to you died of a disease ➔ almost my entire family from heart disease do you exercise a lot ��� used to do swimming and I dance, so kinda experiences have you ever had a near death experience ➔ yes have you ever been on a plane ➔ yes, 8 flights (yay) have you ever had an all nighter ➔ yes have you ever been to school/work after a sleepless night ➔ no have you ever been in a physical fight ➔ yes have you ever been to a wedding ➔ yes and i was the flower girl have you ever been to a funeral ➔ yes have you ever lived in a different country ➔ yes have you ever been drunk ➔ yes have you ever been trick or treating ➔ no because we don’t do that in Brazil x.x have you ever been in a school play ➔ yes have you ever been to a camp ➔ no have you ever driven a car ➔ no skills how many languages are you fluent in ➔ two have you ever read a book in another language ➔ yes can you roll your tongue ➔ yes can you braid hair ➔ yes can you do a handstand ➔ WTF NO I’M FAT habits do you crack your knuckles ➔ no do you bite your nails ➔ most of the time, then i grow my nails, they break and i come back to biting do you bite your lips ➔ yep favorites what’s your favorite movie ➔ Probably the 4 Hunger Games movies what’s your favorite tv show ➔ Stranger Things what’s your favorite book ➔ Mockingjay what’s your favorite song ➔ forever//over or start//end by EDEN what’s your favorite colour ➔ purple what’s your favorite animal ➔ cats what’s your favorite season ➔ winter this or that summer or winter ➔ summer day or night ➔ day cats or dogs ➔ both rain or shine ➔ rain coffee or tea ➔ tea reading or writing ➔ both humorous or serious ➔ both brown or blue eyes ➔ brown single or group dates ➔ single texts or calls ➔ texts driving or walking ➔ driving last last phone call ➔ my mom last text ➔ my best friend last song you listened to ➔ sunflower by swae lee and post malone last thing you ate ➔ popcorn last thing you drank ➔ water last purchase ➔ def food last time you cleaned your room ➔ last week last time you’ve been on a date ➔ never been in one in the first place

[julyroots]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

A butthead. Muah.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Depends on the situation. I enjoy going out and doing things, but I also have social anxiety. Basically any time I have plans I have to give myself a mental pep talk and spend the next few days recovering.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

A butthead.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I think so. If you’re good at handling sarcasm and dry humor.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Yes. They already have.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Those who try and find the good in others.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Not outwardly.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

I have a feeling “butthead” is going to mentioned a lot in these questions.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Not really. I may be awkward about it sometimes, but I don’t feel uncomfortable.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Yep. Butthead is definitely going to be mentioned a lot in these.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Shushkiss*

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

This changes constantly. I’ll just list the ones I’ve listened to more than once the past couple of days.

Time In A Bottle. Sympathy For The Devil. Big Rocky Candy Mountain. All My Tears. I Fought The Law.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

God, yes.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Even if we don’t quite understand what that reason is.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I adopted a cat who is as weird as I am?

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Every morning. Every afternoon. Every evening. Every night. Forever.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I think it’s naive to think we’re the only life out there.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

A bit too much.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

They’re alright ;)

21. What are you bad habits?

I can be oblivious about important matters. I procrastinate. Opening texts, getting busy, and never responding. Overplaying songs I discover until I can’t stand them. Not having a normal eating schedule.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Anywhere and everywhere I can. Want to see the great parks of the U.S. Then travel to countries of my heritage.

23. Do you have trust issues?

I think most people do. It’s something I’m consistently working on. Trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, until they give me reason not to.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Mornoons.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

I try not to focus on judging my body too much. It’ll age and looks will fade with time for everyone. Guess if I had to say I’d say fingers. Short and stubby.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Stare at my ceiling trying to motivate myself to get up.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

It’s skin. It’s doing its job. I do not care about what color it is.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Butthead. And my furbabies. Both have seen and know too much.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Pretty much all of them have tried to get me back with me at some point. Always makes me feel guilty. You can’t force yourself to love someone though.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I use to want that. Complicated now.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Nope. I can’t pull off a ponytail even when it is long enough for one anyway.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Ew. No.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

Gabbav

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Use to. Softball, soccer, flag football, etc. Now I enjoy longboarding and occasional volleyball.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV. Music saves me.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Who hasn’t?

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Something to make it more awkward.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Butthead. Thankful to say they’re not a dream.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

2nd & Charles, Mr. K’s used bookstore, any antique shop I can find.

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Bahahaha. Clearly I am too old for this website. You youngins.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

I think you can forgive someone, but I also think its perfectly fine to remove that person from your life if they’re toxic for you.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Usually overthinking or daydreaming.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Probably a creepily amount.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

I’ve seen pictures of what can lurk at the bottom of some oceans.. I’ll take space.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Needing a paycheck, usually. Or letting my dogs out.

46. What are you paranoid about?

I don’t want to think about it.

47. Have you ever been high?

Yes.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Yes.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I don’t think so?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Green.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

When I was younger. I’ve grown comfortable with who I am.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My tendency to overthink.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

I’m not big in makeup. I only wear it when I want to prevent looking like death itself.

54. Favourite store?

2nd & Charles. All the blu-rays!

55. Favourite blog?

Don’t have one.

56. Favourite colour?

Green.

57. Favourite food?

Hibachi, probably. Pizza is a close second.

58. Last thing you ate?

Chicken biscuit from chick fil a.

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

4th grade Orange County Schools essay. 5th grade county choir show. Honestly I couldn’t tell you the official names of these. I forget they happened.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope. Goody two shoes.

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope. Been driven in the back of a cop car across state lines, though.

63. Ever been in love?

Still am. First.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Was a boy who lived in the neighborhood across from mine. We were always good friends. We were under a light post in my neighborhood at night. We were talking about first kisses. I said I hadn’t had mine. Few minutes later I looked away at something, he said my name, I turned to look at him and he landed one on me. Then the lightpost turned on and he said “Well it’s not fireworks, but..” I think I was 13 at the time. 9th grade. I wasn’t too happy about it at first, because I liked someone else, but in the end I was happy it was with him because we remained friends for years and the other guy ended up being a lot of drama.

65. Are you hungry right now?

No. I should be.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I don’t really have any. I rarely talk to people on here. I’m bad at responding to messages. Any friends I have in real life are coworkers really.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

No.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Eh. I’d really only consider one person to be my best friend. Who’d I want to share everything with and talk to constantly. lwwnm

71. Craving something? What?

Time with butthead. Always.

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Four. I usually sleep on one, hold the other or lay my arm under it, and the other two are just to separate my head from my wall. Decorative.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No. I sleep with real animals. And a hat.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Maybe two? One I just got this past Wednesday from a claw machine when I went to Sparetime. The other is Yoshi from Nintendo that my brother gave me years ago. They’re both in my closet.

75. Favourite animal?

My favorite animal is a Moxie. You’d understand if you met her. Honestly though, I couldn’t choose between cats and dogs. It’s a different kind of love.

76. What colour is your underwear?

I’m in the tub currently. It’d be pretty odd to be wearing underwear now.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

I use to love Strawberry Cheesecake from Ben & Jerry’s. I rarely eat ice cream nowadays.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Again. In the tub.

80. What colour pants?

Okay well BEFORE THE TUB— wait no I wasn’t wearing any pants then either.

81. Favourite tv show?

Either Frasier or The Nanny. I can binge watch the heck out of those.

82. Favourite movie?

Can’t decide.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

There was a Mean Girls 2?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Didn’t see 21 Jump Street. Show or movie.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

I don’t know? I really don’t put this much thought into that movie.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Probably Peach. Sassy little starfish. “That was the shortest red light I’ve ever seen!”

87. First person you talked to today?

Butthead.

88. Last person you talked to today?

Hopefully butthead. I like to start my days with him and end them with him. Though, it’s not really possible when I work at 6:55AM and they’re asleep. Can’t really avoid talking to coworkers/clients for hours.

89. Name a person you hate?

I don’t hate anyone.

90. Name a person you love?

C. T. C. Butthead. Gorramit. Squashblossom. Turd.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah. I often want to give someone a pillow whack though.

92. In a fight with someone?

No.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Legit sweatpants? One.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Maybe three sweaters. Too many hoodies.

95. Last movie you watched?

The Dirt.

[i-am-always-lost]

Day 23 | Ishikawa-San

I wanted to blog about this as well as my Your Name encounter because I felt the strong need to get this story out to the small amount of people who read my blog. Maybe you will read this post today and tell your friends and family around you about his story. After all, that is what Ishikawa san wants.

Today in media class, our lecturer brought in a guest speaker- a man who was wrongly accused/ convicted of murdering and raping a high school girl 54 years ago who also escaped death sentence and is awaiting retrial. It was the discrimination against the burakku-min that contributed to this outcome.

Transcript and summary of what I heard today in class:

Ishikawa san self admitted that he was a socially ignorant man who locked up for 23 years due to the lack of knowledge in the situation he was in - surrendering to a case that he did not commit on his innocent brother’s behalf as his brother was the breadwinner of the family. His brother was wrongly accused for a crime he did not commit. Ishikawa san was sentenced to death but escaped death.

Ishikawa san’s background:

He was brought up in a poor family. Had 10 brothers and sisters, none of them had higher education, and he envies at our privilege looking at us university students. As a result, they never had enough food for the family, and he grew up eating chicken feet. When he was in fifth grade, Ishikawa san sent to work in some business and was provided accommodation, he worked there till he was 18. At 18, he returned illiterate due to the lack of opportunity for education. After that, he went to employment agency and got a job, worked for four years. Got a girlfriend after that, and frequently worked overtime. His boss saw him as honest and earnest, and he was appointed leader of the shop eventually. Things seem to be going well at this point.

However, when you are in an responsible position, reports and paperwork are often required. Due to this illiteracy, his friend had to always help him. After some time, that was revealed and he was fired. After that, got a construction job where he didn't have to read or write. 6 months later, he was made into a rapist and murderer of the high school girl.

Prison days:

In prison, he met this ward officer who had a strong sense of justice and he learned how to read and write there for 8 years. He learned from the officers in the afternoon once he finds out that he does not get death penalty in the morning. Death penalties run from 9-12AM daily and if you didnt get to the chopping board, you get to survive the day. He lived like this for decades. Ishikawa san got his word out by writing letters to his supporters all over the nation to pass information on to the media. The media was more accepting towards him when they found evidence to prove Ishikawa san innocent and started changing their perspective away from the discrimination of burrakumin people as well. 

Post prison days:

5 years ago went to UN Geneva and appealed the law of police restraining people for many days without being able to see their lawyers (when it should only be hours). The people in UN were surprised to find out that  in Japan even if a suspect is not proven guilty, they would have to be locked up for 32 years (for Ishikawa san’s case), everyone at UN was surprised. He appealed them to talk to jap gov, and they did directly negotiate with Japanese government.

Thanks to science, tech and medicine, innocence proven by evidence. By the end of this year, he is expecting retrial is going to be granted. After his guilt is proven innocent, he would like to go to a night school and get education. He would also like to spend rest of his life studying and working to eliminate discrimination. If he live 32 years from now, he will be over 100, so he wants to be healthy in order to live past a 100. He is 78 years old now, and the way he sees it is if he lives past a 100, the amount of time that he was discriminated against would eliminate discrimination faced by his children and grandchildren.

Because of the injustive of Japanese law that made an innocent man locked up, there were angry voices reasoning with him and helping him fight the system. Would like to pay back the people that help, and he would want us(uni students who were his audience) to fight discrimination.

Sachiko ishikawa san (wife) gave a speech as well, following Ishikawa san’s speech.

She was honored that we were interested in her husband’s story and she would like us to  take back the story to our respective countries and tell at least one person and spread the word . Her husband was sentenced to death only by six months trial. It has been 54 years since the case. Of the 54 years, locked up for 32 years and wrongly accused. 

Surrounding this case, she highlighted two points:

discrimination against burakku community and

injustice 

Discrimination against the Burraku community

Burakku discrimination is like the Indian class system. Class doesn't exist anymore in their society, but still has influence over job hunting and marriage based on family background. When this case was investigated, they believed criminal was from the burakku community cos that's what the media reported. Mainstream media believed that criminals were all born in burakku. However, this was 54 years ago. But now, people in the Burraku community are standing up and raising voices, to try to eradicate and work against discrimination in Burraku. They would have to continue this activism as there is still hate speech against minority community.

Her story:

Sachiko san was also born in burakku community (western Japan). Since young, her parents and people around her told her that she should hide the fact she was born in burakku. There wasnt much of a difference on the surface having the same skin color and all, so even if she hid her identity no one will know. Since she was hiding, she was able to get jobs - but she still faced discrimination while finding marriage.

She didn't have any means to protest against , and that's where she learned about ichikawa san's case. Learned that he was learning how to read and write through prisons, but his messages still got out of the prison and spread throughout Japan His message at that time was you can't possibly run away from discrimination forever, you have to stand up and face it one day. Because of his words, she learnt that she should not hide her true identity anymore and found a new way of living. That's when she joined the movement against the buraaku discrimination and the fight against the injustice faced by Ishikawa san.

There are still lots of kids in burakku community, so they will go visit them and tell them to get education as he did not want them to be in his position if anything similar happened to them. Another strong feeling he had was never to repeat admitting to wrong accusations. 

It's very difficult to the wrongly accused to appeal to the justice system in Japan, even after 54 years they are still hiding evidence. Ichikawa san wants to tell justice ministry to have a fair trial and give away all the single evidences. They still go to Tokyo high court and have protest once in a while by demanding the prosecutor to give away evidence and have fair trial. They plan to do the same at January 26 and feb 2nd Sachiko san ended her speech by thanking us for having them there and she said that 

No one should be locked up without any reason in any country

Q & A

Did you lose hope?

I never gave up hope, as soon as he learned he was wrongly accused and was determined to stand up and tell his story

Faith in the criminal justice system?

Judges in court houses only listen to prosecutors. Feel that judges don't listen to people's voices too often

Parents’ occupations?

Father hired by some other farmers, weed the farms

How did you adjust in society after being in the prison for 34 years?

Really surprised! When he went in, only pebbled roads, after he coming out surprised to see the development

Why are police still withholding evidence?

Yes, think it's true they have to save face cos it will be proven that he is not guilty

Did he ever get to meet the murdered girls family

Condition for his probation not to meet family of the deceased

Did any media get his story when he was locked up?

Earlier on, media were only writing negative things about him and burakku (first 10 years) Now they are writing positive things Saitama newspaper and Tokyo shimbun were amongst the first to report

During his prison days, were there any similar cases?

Yes, 4 people who were locked up life imprisonment, they were eventually let go though

How was the process of learning to read and write in prison conducted?

Yes, it was strict but at that time he didn't know. Was awaiting death sentence in mornings (9-12) - when they didn't come to get him, teach him how to write the person who taught him how to write and read saved his life If he was caught he would be fired

Why did he had to admit his crime?

have to say bc police made him say it "It must be your older brother," but his brother was bread winner, so he admitted

How do they look at him in the society?

Most people already knew he was innocent, so even he went back to his village, people were supportive

Any other evidence aside from the confession?

Most surprising thing: fountain pen was supposed to belong to the victim but it ended up in his house With the science these days, proved that the fountain pen did not belong to the victim, only found out last year!

Any evidence AGAINST him?

wrist watch that was handed to him BY the police

How they pay for legal proceedings?

Retrial- legal team of 30 lawyers mostly working as volunteers, national network of burakku community

Do you think the girl's family knows the story?

he doesn't know

What's his secret at looking good at 78?

10 years after he came out, running a few kms/minute 20,000 steps every day now!!

Pensions from the government?

no

How did the husband and wife meet?

Year after he came out, they met at a rally, started talking and hit it off

Has his brother told him not to take the blame

brother said he shouldn't do that, but they weren't able to meet for a long time, only after he visit him and had death sentence only his brother was allowed to visit.

Only interacted with other immates when he go out to field to do physical exercise.

END

After the class, I took photos with his wife and asked details for the court hearings that were going to be held a few days after this. Unfortunately I didnt go -- and I felt really sorry for not going. But here I am writing this to my limited audience, hoping that this can be spread to the people reading this. After all, it is a social responsibility.

[kyetalksshit]

Update for the first time in SO LONG

Hey guys! 

So it’s the 4th of july and I’m tipsy. Happy shitty ass holiday to all of u who care about it. I don’t. Fireworks are boring and sound like gunshots and loud ass cis white republican christian people get louder than usual about how “great” this country “used to be,” and get to celebrate the day this country was founded on native american genocide and rape and began an era of slavery and racism and a bunch of other motherfucking goddamn bullshit. 

Anyway. 

I told a storytime on my youtube channel about my ex who I called Gregg (bc he looks like Gregg Sulkin, or at least I thought he did back then. It’s actually a two parter so far. I have yet to get to the part where he dumped me over text and then tried to be friends with benefits with me, I refused, I tried, he refused, we fought a lot, repeat cycle. Wow that was a fucking shitstorm. Finally unfriended him a couple of months ago because of a shitty ass facebook post and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. Plus, he has a girlfriend now, and at this point any desire to communicate with him was based on a pure physical attraction and/or wanting to have some sort of intellectual conversation with him because, as much as I honestly still kind of resent him, I do admire his brain. Anyway.) 

So when I told the storytime, I spent a good hour going through my tumblr for posts about him (and his, for posts about me, which I remember desperately hoping for back when I was still with him or right after we broke up) and it kind of made me miss blogging. 

This has been the longest intro in the fucking world. Oh my god. Ugh. 

Anyway. 

I just kind of wanted to get on here and talk a little bit. 

I don’t remember what my original pushing thought was, since again, I’m tipsy, and I got so sidetracked talking about “gregg” (though let’s be real, if any of you watch that storytime and have followed me for long enough, you know exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t even follow me on tumblr anymore. He unfollowed me a long time ago, actually. And now that I’m talking so much about him I’m kind of tempted to text him, which would obviously be a fucking bad idea, but you know. I’m a masochist. We’ll see what I do later I guess. I don’t know.) 

I’m kind of miffed today. And by that, I mean I’m actually hurt but too prideful to say I’m hurt. My family is very clearly celebrating for this shit holiday, which they don’t know that I don’t care about, by the way, and no one even invited me. Yeah I was working most of the day but I got off at 8, and anyway I hadn’t told them I was working. My mother probably just “assumed I had to work and couldn’t make it” again. Even though she promised to make more of an effort to invite me to things. My heart hurts. 

Yeah I don’t care about fireworks, but I love my family and I miss my niece and my sister isn’t talking to me because apparently I’ve changed and she misses “Amber,” not “Kye.” (Oh yeah, I go by Kye now. Just, btw.) 

What she doesn’t seem to realize no matter how many times I tell her, is that Amber, that girl she grew up with that she apparently misses so goddamn much, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was a fucked up piece of shit too, if I’m being honest. I call my past self Amber instead of “past Kye” because I don’t know her anymore. You know why? 

Because I’ve been through so much motherfucking goddamn bullshit since then. I was raped. I left my family for a goddamn year over some slightly shitty but WAY overexaggerated bullshit (that, let’s be real, I’ll never fully forgive myself for) that was twisted into a horror story by the evil ex whose name I can’t even fucking SAY because it makes me feel fucking nauseous. I almost killed myself a couple of times. I cut over and over and motherfucking over again because I was so goddamn depressed, I got kicked out of TWO apartments (once because my roommate was just a bitch and wanted any made up excuse she could find, the other because my alcoholic roommate who sexually assaulted me MY FIRST NIGHT THERE and who is STILL my dm for one of my dnd games and tries to pretend he fucking cares about me, hallucinated our neighbors trying to kill us and made me take him to the hospital and file a police report when it was just his goddamn mind). I’ve been so broke for the past couple years I was a camgirl for awhile. I did live camshows for money. I also sold photos and videos of me naked, sometimes taking requests. It made me fucking miserable and gave me flashbacks but I was jobless and had to pay rent. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been considering starting again because I’m broke as fuck and I want to cry from how stressed I am most of the time, but I haven’t yet. You know why? 

Again, I was raped. And sexually assaulted, not just by that roommate, but also by two family members (like when I was a kid) who will remain unnamed (who never even said I’m sorry, by the way, even when I brought it up. I still hang out with one. How fucking sick do I have to be to still hang out with a family member who sexually assaulted me and apologized to my sister for touching her, but not me?). But also because I’ve been in this deep disgusting ass pit of self fucking loathing recently. I feel fat and ugly and nasty more often than not, every time I get a crush or a lust-crush on someone I start to feel guilty about it because how dare I burden someone with the weight of having to deal with my affection? I feel lonely and also selfish for feeling lonely, I miss my family but I also avoid them. And then I get upset when they don’t invite me to things. 

This is the last holiday I’m ever going to spend living in North Carolina. Connor and I are leaving for Los Angeles on August fucking 5th. I’ll be around for my brother’s and my cat’s birthday (incidentally they’re both on August 2nd), but then I’m gone. I won’t be able to make it to Christmas this year because let’s face it, I won’t have the money. The soonest they’re going to see me after I leave is MAYBE Christmas 2018, and I’m not even sure that’s going to happen. Hell, I’m not even christian anymore, celebrating it feels weird. 

Also, going back to this whole name shit and “I’ve changed” bullshit, Amber was an asshole. She made racist comments and used to say the “n” word back in high school. She literally laughed in boys’ faces when they asked her out if she wasn’t attracted to them, not even just because they were “out of her league” because she (rightfully) didn’t believe in “leagues,” but just because if she was going to say no, she was going to be a bitch about it. I remember one of my best friends’ little brothers asking me out in 9th grade, and he was in like 7th. He was OBVIOUSLY too young for me but I should have been fucking nice about it. Instead, I laughed at him, literally fucking laughed at him, and just said “omg bye.” 

She also didn’t know how to stand up for herself. She was mousy and depressed and anxious and small and hated herself and so who gave a fuck if people used her because what good was she herself anyway? Like yeah, Kye is fatter and her mental health has gone down the fucking drain (no really, my counselor thinks I’m borderline and I really need to be medicated honestly because it’s so hard to function I’m scared I’m going to fail at trying to be alive) but at least she can mostly say no, and she can cut people out her life when she wants to. At least Kye can pinpoint when people are trying to manipulate her (though if we’re being honest here, and holy fuck we really are, since the fucking evil ex aka my rapist, my mind is warped as fucking hell and I don’t know what’s real anymore. The amount of manipulation I have imagined and overreacted to is insane. My uncle wallace won’t talk to me because I overreacted when he had a shitty opinion and posted it on a status of mine, and I took it as him attacking me. I want to cry every time I think about it but I already sent him one long message explaining why, and then the next day I sent a really long apology message. I don’t know why I keep fucking things up with everyone I care about. It feels like Connor and my cat are the only ones I have anymore, and even Connor can drive me crazy sometimes because obviously, that’s how people are who live together and have known each other for 8 fucking years, and I’m so hard to live with and deal with because of the bpd and the fact that my anxiety shows itself in irritability and the amount of times I’ve snapped at them for fucking nothing is absolutely ridiculous. I’m mad that they still haven’t learned how to drive and we’re moving in a month and it’s looking like I’m going to have to drive by myself from one coast to another while they blissfully chill in the passenger seat and doze off or play on their phone or whatever, but in reality they’re probably really anxious about it too and they probably feel bad but can’t make theirself do it and it’s just I feel so shitty all the time oh my god). 

I don’t even know what the point of this post is, I just think I needed to vent somewhere that I don’t have to be careful what I say because no one reads this shit anyway. The second I vent where ANYONE in my family can see it, they’ll all jump down my throat for being “disrespectful to my parents” or some other bullshit. They fucking love bandwagons. One of their favorite phrases is “my army is bigger” and honestly that shit scares me because yeah, it is. And that goddamn army is too fucking prideful (like me) to accept when they maybe should hear someone out, and they will literally cyberbully you if they can. It may sound whiny, but I really do feel like I was cyberbullied that day with uncle wallace. I’m not even kidding (and again, no one reads this so I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s tru) I legitimately wanted to kill myself that day. Everyone was jumping down my throat AGAIN over something I said that hurt my mom when I didn’t even know it hurt her. If I had, I would have taken it down and apologized. They were also attacking me for an immature snapchat saying “fuck you and your shitty ass opinions” which was about my uncle, and yeah I deserved a little of that bullshit but I admitted that was wrong very shortly after. He wouldn’t even hear me out, but I was the bad guy, the disrespectful, ignorant black sheep who treated everyone like shit. I keep trying to pretend I’m over the whole thing but I’m so not. I won’t forget who said shit to me and who didn’t. Because that shit fucking hurt. 

I don’t want to tell Connor how mad I am over something they may not be able to control, I don’t want to fucking rub my sister’s face in how ‘not’ Amber I am (also, just, sidenote, the main reason I changed my is really because I hated Amber and wanted some control over my life and it really has made me happier, but also honestly it was partly because my fucking rapist has never called me “Kye” and so when I’m having fucking rape flashbacks I can separate myself from it so when she insists that Kye is horrible and she hates me now (she didn’t say that but she said I wouldn’t be in her life if I weren’t family and let’s face it, I’m not in her life rn anyway and I may as well not be family with how I’ve been treated recently, not that it’s not partly my fault, but still) and that she misses Amber, who she grew up with, who is the one she misses, not me, not who I am now. Honestly, when we were fighting it felt like she only said that because she needed a concrete reason to be mad at me so she grasped onto the fact that I’ve changed, which my whole family complains about, but

Look at all the motherfucking goddamn fucked up shit I’ve been through in the past few years. OF FUCKING COURSE I’VE CHANGED. It hurts like hell that my ENTIRE family is mad that I’m not the same girl who left them for an abusive fiance. Like yes, I’m kind of a bitch now when I need to be, and yes I overreact to things BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA U DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT, and yes I changed my name and I’m not the motherfucking goddamn same but how dare you want me to be? 

I WANTED TO DIE. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER HATED MYSELF AS MUCH AS I DID THEN. I HAD TWO EATING DISORDERS, AN ADDICTION TO CUTTING (for which I’m now getting urges so I’m going to end this soon), I HATED EVERYONE I KNEW, I WAS FUCKING SO DEPRESSED I COULDN’T EVEN, UGH, I WAS ONLY SLEEPING ONCE EVERY TWO NIGHTS SO I WAS HALLUCINATING, I PUSHED AWAY EVERYONE WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, I SNAPPED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS NEAR ME WHEN I WAS ANXIOUS AND I DIDN’T KNOW MY TRIGGERS. NOW I CAN AT LEAST SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SO I DON’T HURT PEOPLE AS MUCH. I DON’T TALK ABOUT THE VIEWS I HAVE THAT CONFLICT WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S SO I DON’T HAVE TO ARGUE WITH ANYONE. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SMALL, THEN MADE MYSELF BIG, AND REVERT TO SMALL WHEN I’M AROUND THEM, BUT IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING ENOUGH FOR THEM. 

WHEN, please fucking tell me WHEN, when will I be enough for them? 

[destressjournal]

DCOM Rankings #77: Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie

Wizards was probably one of my favorite shows growing up. And I’m not talking just on Disney channel, like, all time. It was a cute little sitcom with lots of lore and world building and character development sprinkled in. I honestly think this show was ahead of it’s time, at least by a few years. I will probably talk about the show at some other point but for now, let’s discuss the DCOM.

So real quick, I have no idea if this was supposed to be considered the finale before season 4 came along. Because this movie was pretty intense at some parts, and the finale of the show itself played out much differently and almost....anti-climactic-ly. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I was just wondering why the movie didn’t end up being the series finale like a lot of other shows do. Well I guess Hannah Montana is another exception cuz it had a theatrical movie release before its last season.

Ahhh getting off topic. Okay, right off the bat, this is a classic “be careful what you wish for movie” which honestly makes sense and can easily be done with a family full of wizards. In other DCOMS it’s like “jimmy finds a magic coin” or “billy was dreaming all along”. So it is nice and refreshing when you can just have a character wish for something and have it come true and not be totally weird.

HOWEVER, and this will get into the biggest flaw of the movie, it seems it took a bunch of liberties with the magic logic.

-for one thing, it’s never explained how Alex’s wish came true, I mean it had to have been a spell but spells in this universe are usually done in rhymes and only really powerful wizards can do them without having to say anything. Like, every kid gets mad sometimes and says stuff like “I wish you guys never met” or whatever, maybe it was the power of her anger that triggered it?? That’s the only explanation I could come up with, but my god I feel like Alex as a character would have said this more than once. I don’t know. Just the fact that one angry outburst caused this much of a problem is like...ehhh but like I said it’s one of those movies.

- that no one could reverse the spell but the kids. And that wasn’t explained either. That they had to speed up the wizard competition because reversing the spell could only be done by a full wizard. How does the dad know this when he barely knew the context in which the spell was cast?

-the wizard competition in itself. I loved watching it but the dad is just thrown into all of it and it’s really weird how he manages to just go along with it when he hardly knows what’s going on. ALSO!! I figured they were transported to some secret wizard location in the magical dimension. But the mom, a mortal, just waltzes up and throws Alex the stone and says here ya go. Like where is this place then?? How did she know where to find it?

The other flaw that I had was a flaw of the show from pretty much the 2nd season on, and that was the character of Max. Max is very under-utilized and underdeveloped as a character, in contrast to Alex who is one of the most complex and interesting characters to come out of Disney channel. It’s always been a battle between Justin and Alex, while Max is pretty much pushed to the side to either be the comedic relief or to play a minor role in the story. I like Max as a character, don’t get me wrong, and having 3 kids fight for the crown of wizardry instead of two makes for a more complex story, but not when the 3rd kid doesn’t really take any of it seriously or isn’t even given the opportunity to show what he’s got. I haven’t seen the show in years so I’m not sure if there’s an episode or scene that addresses this that I’m not aware of (there probably is) but I know the outcome of the finale of the show and that’s all I’ll say about that.

The good stuff

- honestly the CGI and visuals were pretty, a little bit outdated obviously but for the time, in a TV movie, it’s pretty good

-the acting as always is amazing. Jake T. Austin’s acting got SOOO much better since his last DCOM, and throughout the wizards show too. I knew it would and I was here for it.

- the character of Alex Russo, she is just such a refreshing character and I could never get enough of her. I still watch clips of her in the wizards show to this very day (not every day but occasionally) because her scenes just steal the show, she is laugh-out-loud hilarious, and fully admits to being a slacker lazy person who doesn’t really try in school or in life. Normally that would describe a bad/antagonist character, but Alex is also a character that’s deep down, full of heart and compassion, and understanding. Because she gets it. She understands the pressure and the struggle of everyday life. And that’s why she’s so likable because she’s clearly not perfect and is okay with that, and won’t blame anybody for not reaching a certain threshold. She’s very down-to-earth. Characters like Hannah Montana or teddy or raven, are still great characters to me, but fall short because they seem so put together and perfect, even when they mess up.

Okay enough girl crushing on Alex, another good thing about the movie is the emotions it brings up. The conflicts between Alex and Justin and Alex and her mom were greatly handled in my opinion. When Alex and Justin had that heart to heart on the floating rock, that was just so genuine it didn’t feel like I was watching a cutsie disney channel movie, like, this is real stuff that kids go through with their siblings or friends. Justin is jealous of Alex because she still succeeds even without really trying, and Alex is jealous of Justin because he gets the approval from their parents and gets all the perks from that. Justin thinks he has to keep up that “perfect” image to please his parents, though, so that’s another layer to his character that his perfection isn’t natural, he really works so hard to be liked and praised. Whereas Alex’s success comes more naturally. I love that dynamic, and how both of them feel like they wouldn’t be loved by their parents if they were to be fully themselves. I’m sorry that’s just really deep for me.

And then again, the conversation they had the second she won the wizard competition and Justin started forgetting everything. My god that was art. That scene always gets me. Alex was so desperate for help and felt like everything was taken from her. Her brother was the last one left who could help and he now couldn’t remember her name. So sad, even if it only lasted a couple minutes.

I know this movie is trying to explain to kids, yeah parents can be unfair sometimes but they love you so you should appreciate them. This specific plot isn’t unique but it’s the character dynamics that make it special between Alex and her mom. Also it helps that this movie already has an established TV series that’s been going for 3-4 years to build these characters up. It’s why a lot of the character moments feel so powerful, we’ve been with them for so long. It’s not like in movies like “You wish” where we only had time to learn about all the characters in 90 minutes. But even aside from that fact, Alex is such a great character that when she even learns to appreciate her mom, it hits hard.

Overall, the movie is really intense at some parts and I remember watching it when I was younger and hanging off the edge of my seat. I still kinda felt the same way watching it for this ranking. Of course it all resolves in a matter of minutes because “c’mon guys we gotta wrap up”

The antagonist in this movie wasn’t really the main antagonist, it was moreso Alex’s struggle with herself and her family members. This guy is an okay character. He doesn’t do too much until the very beginning and very end, cuz he was only needed to supply the map and then steal the stone. If he WAS the main antagonist I would suggest building some kind of real trust before the betrayal. But since he’s clearly just a side conflict, I don’t really care. What they have is fine. I just wish the dialogue with him was a little funnier.

Okay, grading time! I really thought about giving this an A+, but for now I might stick with A. Only because this is an awkward placement in the series for this movie and honestly it doesn’t move the overall story much forward at all. It’s a very self-contained story. I almost wish they made it the finale and have it be the wizard competition, the real one. Cuz the actual finale is just a two-part episode with TV-level graphics. I feel like these two events should have been flip flopped.

So yeah! There you have it! The next movie is one I consider to be my guilty pleasure DCOM. I can’t wait to revisit it and see if I feel the same way or not. See you then, whenever that may be!