#i feel crazy now but does tumblr somehow recognize that it is my old account lol 😭

[nerdnag]

Holy WHAT

Out of curiosity I browsed the tag for my old tumblr, and when I hovered over my old (long since deleted) url, it gave me a freaking preview of the blog??? though the blog itself does not actually exist?????

[the-lady-writes-what]

Update on Fox Gods’ Wife

Before I pass out in bed, I managed to plot out the first three chapters of the new fic. In all likelihood, it’ll be posted on my AO3 account but I’ll post previews and teasers with official links. For projects like this, I feel like they’re too long for Tumblr and for multiple chapter works I tend to run 4000-5000+ per chapter as the minimum. If I hit my groove, I can pump out between 6000-8000+ for one chapter. I feel like that is too long for a Tumblr post. Below are the chapters I came up with. The way I plot everything is using astrology and tarot cards because I’ve always hated those maps they give out in English classes. This is a weird system I came up with that happens to work for me. If you have any questions about it or want to try it yourself, you’re more than welcome to ask me. I’m not a professional tarot card reader, but the divination aspects of tarot isn’t what I use for my writing craft anyway. 

Chapter 1

1.     The Moon: intuition, illusion, fear, subconscious, the unconscious, mystery, secrets, psychic work, imagination, falsehood, deception/deceptive people in one’s life; Masae is caught in a daydream during her break. She returns to work and gets a vague from her boyfriend. She faces a subconscious fear that Neito is somehow lying to her, but she can’t pinpoint it. As she leaves work, Masae runs into harmless spirits that she feeds her leftovers. When she finally arrives home, there is no there to greet her.

2.     Two of Cups, reversed: imbalance, disconnection, unworthiness, struggle, quarrels and misunderstandings, love not returned, a secret liaison, disharmony, cooling affection; Masae’s boyfriend eventually comes home. Neito complains about having to get dinner himself while gaslighting Masae about not texting him about what to get supper. Masae makes a weak apology (even though she doesn’t need to). Neito seemingly tries to make up his attitude earlier by flirting with her. While making love, Masae notices something odd about Neito’s behavior in the bedroom but brushes it aside.

3.     King of Pentacles: power, influence, abundance, security, material success, pragmatism, a steady, methodical, and reliable man, an older established man, businessman; The next day at work, Masae is struggling to focus on work. Her boss comes around to scold her for not doing her work properly, even though she is. Masae bites her tongue and returns to work discouraged.

4.     The Fool, reversed: carelessness, negligence, uncertainty, apathy, restlessness and boredom, the need for a new beginning, folly; Masae returns home from work again. This time she finds that Neito is home before her. He makes a barely believable story and gaslights her. Masae finds an earring in the bedroom, but doesn’t recognize it. She shrugs it off and puts it in her jewelry box.

5.     High Priestess: the subconscious, wisdom, serenity, intuition, emotions, feminine power, spirituality, inner power, the influence of women, hidden influences at work, mysteries and secrets; Masae is visited by her Aunt Emi when Neito leaves a brief business trip. Emi is a shaman of sorts and understands Masae’s secret abilities to see spirits and ghosts. Emi is convinced that there is negative energy in the home Masae shares with Neito. Masae eventually tells Emi that she’s been feeling weird, off-putting vibes from Neito and tells her about the earring she found on the bedroom floor. Their conversation is cut off by Neito. Emi leaves reluctantly. Neito chides Masae for relying on her “crazy aunt” for advice. “Thank goodness you’re not blood related. I wouldn’t want it spreading through the gene pool. You don’t honestly believe in spirits and all that nonsense do you, Masae?” Wanting to please him, she quickly denies it. Masae lies in bed, unable to sleep.

Chapter 2

1.     The Hanged Man: sacrifice, release, new perspective, surrender, letting go, seeing things from a different perspective, suspension, detachment from the material, meditation; Masae is stuck. She begins to become paranoid about Neito and her feelings towards him. She slowly begins to suspect him of something and it becomes more obvious that he’s hiding an affair behind her back. When she confronts him about it, Neito is quick to gaslight her and lie through his teeth. He makes her feel bad for even suggesting he’s cheating on her. Even after listening to him, Masae still can’t help but trust her gut feeling that he’s cheating on her. Masae slips into a depression and can’t seem to enjoy her books and manga anymore.

2.     Nine of Wands, reversed: failure, defensiveness, hesitation, paranoia, cut your losses, existing partnership has lost its glow, spite; Masae comes home to find Neito with a female guest in their home. She feels jealous, but doesn’t make a show of it while the other woman is there. Neito’s guest seems oblivious Masae’s discomfort. Once she leaves, Neito chides Masae for not letting him know when she was coming home. They have a fight and Masae stays with her aunt instead of sharing her bed with Neito.

3.     Six of Pentacles: generosity, charity, empathy, kindness, give and take, cooperation, gifts and awards; Masae comes to her Aunt Emi weighed down by fear and anxiety. She explains that she just had a fight with Neito and asks if she could stay a while. Naturally, Aunt Emi is more than happy to take her in for as long as it takes. Almost a week later, Neito arrives at the door with flowers and well-worded apology. He seemingly apologizes for his actions, however he does all of this while Aunt Emi is away and can’t warn Masae about Neito’s subtle gaslighting. Masae is so used to it, that she doesn’t notice it and takes him back.

4.     The Star: renewal, hope, serenity, clarity, happiness, light at the end of the tunnel; Neito becomes sweeter than before as if to mask something. Masae begins to have her suspcions again, but is willing to give him a second chance. In a matter of days, Neito is still sickly-sweet to Masae, although by now she doesn’t notice the subtle deceipt. Neito plans a big date night to make up for his previous behavior.

5.     The Tower: upheaval, change, awakening, shock, freedom, upsets, destruction of the old system, breakups, conflict and disruptions; Masae gets ready for her date with Neito when she gets a omninous text from her aunt. She tries not to think about it when she goes out with Neito. Everything seems to be going well until dessert. One of Neito’s exes spies them from across the restaurant. She explains that Neito is a chronic cheater and shows Masae pictures of Neito’s social media with the girl she saw at their home. Masae is so upset that she leaves the restaurant in tears.

Chapter Three

1.     The Lovers: unification, choices, harmony, relationships, partnerships, the union of opposites, cooperation; In a town called Kitsunemura, located on Awaji Island, a young couple visit a shrine dedicated to a couple of fox gods. They pray for a successful and wonderful marriage. On their way out, the woman mentions how sad the shrine looks these days because it looks so old and run-down. The chapter cuts to Shouta and Hizashi, the fox gods, apparent opposites but also (sometimes) lovers themselves.

2.     Four of Cups: meditation, resentment, apathy, discontentment, withdrawal, rest, boredom, lack of inspiration; Shouta looks around at the shrine and sighs. Hizashi is riding the cloud of accomplishment of helping yet another couple before he notices how downcast Shouta now appears. Shouta tells him that the state of the shrine won’t bring in enough people and they’ll be forced to return to Heaven (home of the gods). They can’t simply fix the shrine themselves due to limitations in their powers and drawing too much attention to the shrine (it might frighten more people away if it were to suddenly change overnight). Hizashi suggests going somewhere to alleviate their boredom. Shouta takes another look around the shrine and reluctantly agrees with the plan.

3.     Seven of Cups: illusion, imagination, unrealistic desires, possibility, fantasy, dreams; Hizashi and Shouta go to the Spirit World (the go-between world of gods, spirits, and ghosts). They go to the Gods’ Quarter where they go to an inn to drink away their boredom. While they’re entertained, Hizashi senses one of their few devotees asking for help. He’s wasted and doesn’t think much of it. He drunkenly tells Shouta, but they both end up in a stupor and fall asleep together.

4.     Eight of Pentacles: creativity, concentration, craftsmanship, focus, skill, work, determination; Hizashi wakes up with a hang-over only to discover that he’s back home. Shouta had carried him back home, but awoken early to see if there was something he could do for the shrine. Hizashi finds him at work reviving some of the plants and trees, however it has little effect as the shrine’s general appearance does not seem to improve or be able to attract more devotees.

5.     The Star: renewal, hope, serenity, clarity, happiness, light at the end of the tunnel; Shouta and Hizashi sit up to watch the night sky after expending so much spiritual energy trying to fix their own shrine. Hizashi snuggles up to Shouta and holds him. Shouta notices some stars falling out of the sky and recalls the “mortal tradition” of making a wish on a falling star. Shouta doesn’t bother exploring the tradition, but Hizashi wishes that their bosses would send someone to help them save the shrine and keep them on earth.

[replicarters]

i was at northeast trek con this weekend, if you couldn’t deduce it from my posts that must have sounded like they were coming from some sort of hallucinatory trip. to say i had fun would be a wild understatement. if you slot this con on an alignment chart, it would be wall-to-wall chaotic good. the theme advertised was celebrating the 25th anniversary of ds9... and boy did we celebrate.

what follows is everything i feverishly tweeted about the wildest 72 hours of my life.

the only reason i went to this con at all was @thylekshran, who wanted to see one mr. jeffwey combs very badly. @jadziadax happened to say to me one night, “hey you should go to this con happening where you live to see nicole,” and i said, “wait a minute, isn’t this the con dylan wants to go to? what if i actually Did go to this?”

friday: i grabbed dylan, somehow, from the bus stop that i think didn’t quite exist on this plane. we get to the con and we walk into the exhibit hall. nicole is right by the door and i cannot look at her, so we beeline for vendor tables, and suddenly before me is an extremely familiar spread of colorful images. it takes me a minute to process it, and then i’m pointing to this table and rushing toward it going, “OH MY GOD. IT’S HER! FROM TUMBLR! OH MY GOD WHAT.” it was none other than @abravenoise selling prints!!!! i had no idea she would be there since i didn’t look at anything before i left the house. just fyi she is irl just about the nicest person i’ve ever met!!!!!! and i’m so glad we got to hang out as much as we did!

we spent the day mostly going to panels and being big baby chickens regarding jeff’s and nicole’s tables, respectively. we did end up at jg hertzler’s table A Lot, because dylan, like, is recognized?? by him and his wife??? idk dylan’s just out here charming the pants off everybody, so i was like, okay cool, this is the first thing that is Totally Fine, just chilling with martok. we also met two cool dudes through jg who really enjoyed hanging out with us, and that was great! making friends all over the place! not the first and not the last!

one thing dylan and i were bummed about was that the klingon meet & greet party that night (where jg and robert o’reilly would get in costume as martok and gowron and duel to the death) was sold out. we really really really wanted to go... so dylan just... straight up asks jg if he can get us in dhfklshdfd. and you know what? he fucking does. just... put our names right on that list! O K A Y!

the friday panels were a sign of what would be to come, every one we went to was crazy. this was my first real trek con, so of course i have never seen hertzler and o’reilly in a room together, but now i have and my third eye is open and all that. not to mention: learning that garrett wang plays pokemon go, nicole cracking up at poop jokes like i said, hertzler doodling a little shran with glasses on jeff’s sign, the con’s power point file just being named DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. everything that was happening was so good.

chase masterson had a panel about her pop culture hero coalition, and currently working for a non-profit myself, i was really curious about what kinds of programming they do, so i went to her table to talk to her about it. chase ended up talking some about the why’s of starting the coalition, what it meant to her, her own struggles with depression, and i’m thinking to myself, “uhhhhhh well if chase is gonna share about her mental health struggles, then... i... will also do this.” the nanosecond i said something about experiencing difficulty with self-love, she was zeroed in on me like a cruise missile. i spilled everything to her about my job and how my old boss was basically the meanest, most miserable person alive, and how much she got into my head and how now that i was out of that department, i had to pick up the pieces and it was proving to be much harder than it has been in the past. well, god almighty, chase just had the nicest things to say in return, and we commiserated over being your own worst critic, and how ridiculously hard it is to have this fight against yourself over and over again, but that we deserve so much and going forward is worth it. jesus christ! i got a big hug and said to myself, “holy shit i can’t wait to tell my therapist that a star trek actor talked to me about mindfulness and now i want to learn the hell out of it.”

oh but then it was time for the klingon party that we were now going to thanks to jg hertzler. this thing was off the chain immediately, martok and gowron had their duel, first with sparkling bat’leths that fell apart, and then with whole baguettes, and i can’t believe i got to watch this with my eye parts. and that was the beginning; the party would go for another 3 hours, almost all of which i spent dancing with the most generous people i’ve ever met, who went out of their way to welcome everyone they could onto the dance floor, regardless of physical ability or skill level. there was one woman in particular who, if she saw even the slightest twinkle in your eye and you weren’t already dancing with her, she’d be like, “you, get over here!” i don’t know how my body did that for all that time without falling apart.

our esteemed guests began showing up, and garrett wang leapt into the middle of our jump around circle and gave each one of us a vulcan high five. jeffrey combs showed up which of course sent dylan over the moon, and he said, “you go, girl!” to her dancing. max grodenchik gave dylan one of his drink tickets and then asked us whether or not we thought the existence of god could be proven. chase found us and reached out her hand over a couple people’s heads to give me a supportive hand squeeze (!!!???). aron eisenberg, i don’t know what the hell he was doing, but i feel like maybe somebody asked him about terry, because all of a sudden i hear something like, “terry left because she was in love with nog and couldn’t take it anymore.” garrett has three pokemon go accounts, which he showed off at my urging, and let me tell you, don’t encounter him at a gym because he has three dragonites, two tyranitars, a monster blissey, and god knows what else. dancing, dancing, more dancing. then it was time for it to be done, and time to go home. we watched reanimator. i was wired as hell and barely slept.

and THAT. was only friday.

saturday: i had kept my eyes open for a copy of the lives of dax the day before, but didn’t see anybody selling one. this morning, i walk by a booth we went to the previous day and all of sudden, on top of a bunch of other books in a big tub, there it was!!! couldn’t have forked my money over faster if i tried.

then i had this bright idea. hey... here’s a copy of lives of dax... and nicole is here... and she should sign it... and then in the future i can get terry to sign it... boom, bang, let’s do it, right? i had dylan drag me to nicole’s table because i was like, “i am never going to make even eye contact with her if you do not physically take me there,” and one of us brought up that we missed her at the klingon party. it’s cool, we all gotta sleep, right? well, it turns out nicole had gone out with the gaaays in spaaace people to the bar where they were going to have their party later. so she says garrett texts her, “uhhh hey you know you’re kinda supposed to be making an appearance at this thing, right?” nope! no clue. so she texts him back, “hmmm uhhh well,” takes another sip of her drink, “i think i’m doing good work here.”

the thing about nicole that i somehow missed in my drinking in of all ds9 actor content is that she embodies pure shitposter energy, but if the shitposts were coming from a wine mom. she’s hysterical, 50% intentionally and 50% unintentionally. an extremely excellent human. she signed lives of dax, i had my tribble photo op with her later (that i almost missed due to getting into a conversation with larry nemecek!) and she said she was going to the gays in space party later. helllll yes. i hope somebody puts up her q&a because she told a RIDICULOUS story about auditioning for ezri and creeping on jeri ryan on a plane. i can’t do it justice, there are movements that have to be seen.

we went to combsland finally, and i grilled him about whether or not herbert killed the cat, and we learned jeff has two cats! show them off, man! where are the vids! then, and i had never planned to do this, i bought an autograph from him, and the shran i bought it on ended up selling out! crazy.

hertzler had doodled a martok above his table, and so this combined with the little shran from yesterday led me to these words coming out of my mouth: “can i pay you for a drawing? can i pay you for a drawing of jadzia and martok brofisting?” he gave it very serious thought, said he was gonna have to look at a lot of pictures of terry (relatable), and told me to give him my e-mail. between him and his wife, i hope to god one of them remembers my e-mail is in his wallet. let me give you money!!!

my next tweets jump right to gays in space - again, dylan knows a lot of the gis folks, so i didn’t feel like i was going into this totally unawares. we’re chilling at the bar, i’m drinking my cranberry juice, and then o’reilly, aron, and nicole arrive, telling everybody that jg’s probably going to be late because a bouncer pushed his wife and he might go to jail. like, kidding, but also... it’s jg hertzler and he could legitimately fuck you up. so he was gonna be late, regardless.

nicole sees dylan and me and comes to say hello (????!!!!!) and somebody ends up saying, “get this lady a drink!” yeah, dylan and i were on that. in fact, i pulled my credit card out like i cared not one bit about identity theft, fico scores, my own personal finances; i would purchase this alcohol in an alley from a guy using a card skimmer. few minutes tick by and then i’ve officially bought a drink for nicole de boer (?????????!!!!!!!!) and i’m giving it to her (????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we’re clinking our glasses together (?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i’m clinking glasses with nicole fucking de boer and somehow managing to be normal about it. i’m not altogether convinced i didn’t exit the universe entirely by this point and end up in another one.

the gays in space party was AMAZING, it was just as fun as the klingon party! if you have a chance to go to one, please do, there’s like no way you could ever regret it. you get treated to star trek-themed drag shows, get to mingle, there was a raffle, the people were just as friendly as the previous day, it was so great. we were out very late for my old lady body clock but it was worth every bit of exhaustion we felt the next morning, after the saga of actually getting home past a blocked off road and dylan slicing herself open on the bottom of my passenger seat.

sunday: nicole sees me, mid-yawn, and gives me one of those, “eyyy you and me went through some shit last night huh?” looks and tells me good morning. ( ? ? ? ? ? ! !  ! you know this drill.) combs ended up on the escalator behind us after his panel and i turned around and i said to him, “hey jeff, you got any pictures of your cats with you?” (no, but he has a black cat and a very vocal calico.) i went to chase’s table again and got another hug right out of the gate, we took a pic together, and she told me i was powerful! yo! or rather yooooooooooooooooooo!

the con was winding down at this point, but there was one more thing left: jeopardy. the jeopardy game was done at the first northeast trek con and was so popular they did it again, and i really, really hope someone uploads it to youtube because it is beyond description. first of all, the whole draw were the contestants: you could enter a raffle to end up on either hertzler’s, aron’s, or garrett’s team. the champion from the last game ended up buying half the tickets, so he was on it again, and not on aron’s team, much to aron’s annoyance because god almighty did he want to win. he was about to commit murder in there. someone said nicole was upset that she wasn’t in the game because she really wanted to play, lmfao. so the guys running it were like, “well, go get her, she can be on garrett’s team!” which sent aron into a fucking tailspin. now we got a team with two people on it?! they got nicole and drew the other winners, and the game began. 

one of the rules was “this isn’t going to be fair. at all.” actually, it was two of the rules. despite this, you’d have thought aron was bitten by a rabid raccoon. every lost question almost got him flipping the table over. nicole belatedly, i’m talking like 5 minutes into it, realizes she doesn’t understand the rules of jeopardy and can’t figure out why “their” question was answered by someone else. she can’t believe someone knew what voyager’s registry number was. one of the questions was, “a young kid called ensign kim this name instead of ‘ensign’,” and with no hesitation, she answers, “asshole,” and wasn’t even joking, that was her actual guess.    R E A L    W I N E    M O M    H O U R S

the winner was hertzler and the previous champ. aron wants to ban the guy from buying tickets ever again. we head to the closing ceremony but it doesn’t happen? lmfao. well, guess the con’s over!

@abravenoise, one of our other con pals, and dylan were all taking the same bus that night, so we all went to grab dinner with two other guys, one who was a con pal and one i hadn’t encountered at all, and halfway through our dinner larry nemecek strolls in and sits down with us. things just keep happening, huh? the guy i hadn’t encountered at all was really impressed with me unhinging my jaw to consume my burger, and halfway through doing this i have to stop because he says, “hey, why the HECK did jadzia die?!” ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh here go hell come. my time to shine.

larry like looooves asking people what brought them to star trek, and this time he was asking us the -whys- of what brings us to star trek. i said the characters, for sure. he asked us about our favorites. i told him mine had changed throughout my life, but that when i was a kid, dr. crusher was my first favorite. he said, “in high school?” i said, “no, i mean, when i was REALLY little. like 4 or 5.” he asked me, “wow, have you ever met gates at a con and told her that?” pfft well, no, but first of all, now you got me wanting that, second of all i said what i really wanted was to swap cat pictures with her.

that was the end. i took everybody to their bus, went home, snuggled up in bed, and just asked myself, “what the fuck happened?” i still don’t know! but it was fun as hell, and amazingly impactful, if i’m being honest with you. i was surrounded by so many people brimming with enthusiasm, so many people who were happy. then there’s me, a curmudgeon who’s done everything in her power to stamp down her happiness all in the name of being ~cool or whatever. and it hasn’t made me very happy. i mean, i am also clinically depressed, there is that. but i’ve stopped sharing the things i enjoy with others, especially in recent years. i’ve closed myself off, mostly out of fear and attempting to survive my old job, but even here, i tend to keep myself at a distance, and i thought it was just because i’ve run the whole gamut of loving something before and just want to hang out with my friends. i think it’s more than that, though. i think it’s more of a defensive posture, and it’s that same posture which is running my life right now. it’s exhausting. this weekend wasn’t exhausting. it was in the sense that the human body needs rest and sleep and food and i wasn’t getting nearly enough of any of it, but emotionally, i was unburdened.

it would be nice to be that way all the time. i don’t know if it’ll be possible to be happy again like the people i met this weekend, but i do know that i want to experience this over and over and over again.

now, next time, maybe @rootmacklin and @jadziadax will be with me and we’ll be showing off our friendship necklaces to a very tall lady. that would be a good step toward unlocking my happiness...

[lauracoke-cola]

So much for my Taylor Swift Year.

I am back to writing blogs on my incredibly old Tumblr account. My mental health has been declining and I think I need to start writing out my feelings again because I am struggling. I am having panic attacks that stop me from going out and enjoying my life. Last year in August started the first day of the worst 8 months of my life. While I was going through one of the most enjoyable times of my life I was also struggling with my health. I was having headache/migraines every day. It stopped at the end of September and picked up again in December. It is now April 30th and I have successfully found a treatment that is keeping them at bay....But I have suffered so much trauma. It is very weird for me to accept that I have PTSD. Although, what I went through was truly terrible. Almost everyday I dove deeper and deeper into a depression that I didn’t think I would ever feel again. I wanted to die. I wanted for someone to tell me that I have a tumor and that I needed surgery done. I wanted the pain to stop and nothing was helping. I was poked and given so many new medications that didn’t help. I was getting all of these different tests done and nothing showed up as abnormal. To even properly explain how hopeless I felt is impossible. I was suffering SO much and to hear doctors say that tests have come negative made me hate my life even more. I am NOT going crazy, I promise. The pain was everyday and all I could do was sleep, or barley sleep, and cry and hate almost everything about my life. But it didn’t make sense to hate my life. I am living in a beautiful home with a wonderful partner. We have 3 perfect cats and his parents are living with us who are such a joy to be around. Him and I have great jobs and we are financial stable. We just had the deck of our dreams built. We have everything new. We can afford almost everything. I have a wonderful relationship with my family. My dad and I are getting along a ton better. I truly had SO much to be happy about. I felt SO guilty if I wasn’t enjoying every single second of my life. Why in the HELL was this happening to me during one of the most exciting times of my life? I don’t understand. It is not fair. Experiencing pain every day for so long is too much. I would wake up crying not having any idea if I would get any better because why would I? Having to go through each day wishing I could die is traumatic. I became so used to this way of thinking that thinking positively was mere impossible. I had to go on Short Term Disability which made me hate myself so much more. I am 26 and built the home of my dreams and I go on disability. What the FUCK? How does this happen? Is having headaches and migraines daily even considered a disability? What will people think of me? I hated myself so much. I really did. I loved the person that I was before. I was the person that I always wanted to be ever since I was little. I was in a great mindset and was rid of my depression I felt long ago. It is very scary going back to old ways of thinking when you thought that you were way past it. I am not supposed to feel like this. I hate myself. My friends are enjoying their lives and I should be there with them. What if Brad regrets being with me? He would never say that, but I think it. I always apologize to him for my health issues and he says I don't have to apologize for something that is out of my control. Although I feel like it is somehow my fault that I am going through this. I would have moments where I believed that I was getting better to only be shot down and back in my bedroom with the lights off sleeping on the bean bag. I am NOT that person. I am NOT someone to lay around doing nothing. I am a creative and happy and energetic and driven individual. Losing myself has been one of the scariest things I have ever been through. I still don’t recognize myself. I get anxiety while driving in my own damn car. I get anxiety by doing NOTHING. Does anyone know who debilitating that is?! I JUST got over having constant pain everyday but now I am disabled by something else? And it’s my MIND? It sounds like some sick joke. If I am not getting headaches/migraines anymore why am I still stuck inside and isolating myself? I don't want to hate life, but a lot of the time it’s too easy. I hate my mind...I hate it so much. I thought I was stronger than this. WHY is this the thing that keeps me down. I have been through so much worse so why the fuck is this so traumatic? I have seen my step father die right in front of me. I wish he was here. I hate it because I don't think about him that much anymore. I promise I didn’t forget about you. Why does crying right now seem so much more comforting as opposed to me driving or doing normal things? I have so much sadness and anger and frustration inside of me. I HAVE A GOOD LIFE BUT WHY AM I SO SAD?! Why. WHY!!! I am sad because I feel like I have lost control of myself again like I did when I was younger. It took a long time to get over my past traumas as to get to where I was previously. I was very strong. I could think about panic attacks and talk about Brandon passing away and I wouldn’t get riddled with depression or want to cry or scream. I hate panic attacks. And the fact that they are caused not by some medical issue but by my own fucked up mind. I wish they were easy to get rid of. I don’t want to have to take xanax all the time as I don’t want to become someone who acts like a zombie or has to rely on something like that. I think I need to accept that although I absolutely do have many things to be happy about, that depression and sadness can still happen. I guess I know that, but what I just went through was too much. I am terrified because what if I go through that again? I don’t know if I will be able to handle it. I can’t ever kill myself, but I don’t think I can mentally handle another episode. I will most likely have to go into a mental hospital. I have a very hard time accepting the feelings that I have because it makes me hate myself even more. This isn’t a very organized post as my thoughts are just everywhere. I want to feel better so bad...I am trying to feel better but I don’t know if it is the right direction. I am in therapy, I have xanax prescribed, I am still pushing myself to do things...But it is so uncomfortable feeling the panic come over me in the car or when I’m out with Brad’s parents or when I am sitting around doing nothing that would normally trigger an attack. The only way to help myself is to deal with these emotions the best I can. I need to continue to face my problems and my fears as they will soon become a thing of the past. People go through this and they have come out normal - I am so scared I am going insane. I know I am not....But going through a panic attack makes you feel SO crazy. And I am not. I am NOT crazy. I wonder if I need to start letting myself feel sad?? Okay I know that doesn’t make much sense, but maybe I need to stop acting like I am okay when I am not? Maybe I need to talk more about it. I don’t know. It did feel good today to speak to my mom and Gina about it as they have of course experienced similar things. I have been through worse. I have. I have come out fine. What I just went through was TRAUMATIC and if I did not come out feeling anything would be very rare. There should be no question whether or not what I went through was awful. But......I am a lucky one. I have now found relief and I am on the right road to recovery. I am getting answers, kind of, but the treatments are working. I can work, I can go a day without crying, I can make myself food, I can leave the house, I can laugh, I can enjoy tv shows, I can make art, I can play games, I can go out by myself (although I am still struggling).....I am getting there. I will get there. I am not sure when but I am on the road to recovery....Who knew that once my pain was over that I would start dealing with a whole new issue?! But I am going to be okay. I have resources and every little bit that I get better that means that I am getting a little bit more happy. I need to start really appreciating the little moments in life that I notice improvements. I am getting there. Just because I have a set back one day does not mean that I am not improving. Also - Stop focusing so much on your friends. They will not forget about you. And just because you have things going on in your life does not mean that they are to stop theirs. You will come together with them once you are better. I need to be so much more patient. Coming out of suffering for 3 straight months will not be resolved within a week. Or even a couple of weeks. You will see improvements, and I am pretty sure I wont even acknowledge when I have been fully healed because you won’t even think about it. Doing things like what I did today was a step in the right direction - I need to talk about my feelings more and not push them under the rug. It is okay to show that I have suffered and that yes, I am a bit more damaged from that....Please be patient with me. I am trying I promise. I want to be who I was before. I will get there.