#i feel awful and like i shouldn’t and don’t deserve to be hurt and upset even though logically i should be able to

[nathaslosthershit]

Unremarkable (LN4)

(Part 2 of the Blind Items series)

Summary: Blind Items returns again to ruin yet another happy couple's peace. This time, Lando Norris and his ‘unremarkable’ girlfriend.

“Lando, have you seen this?” his girlfriend asked, showing him the tweets. When they had soft launched, she got a small dose of what it would be like to be the WAG of Lando Norris. But even when they hadn��t known anything about her, some people still had been so mean. Now that they knew she had a ‘commoner’ job, they had started tearing her to shreds. ‘How could someone so rich and famous go for such a plain girl’ was what so many people had said. 

“Oscar showed it to me today. I am so sorry, honey, I was hoping that you wouldn’t have seen it. Those people are absolute asses, love.” He probably should have said something earlier but he knew how hard she would take it. While she had joked in the past about the differences in their jobs, especially the pay, he knew she felt insecure about it at times. 

“The thing is, I didn’t see it. Not at first. I only saw it when I heard one of my students talking about it in class today. Can you even imagine how humiliating that was for me? Hearing my own students who I have done nothing but be kind and understanding to, trying to get them to love learning, talk about how awful it is their favorite driver is dating someone as boring as a teacher.” She couldn’t stop the tears as she went on about the situation. He wouldn’t understand, he couldn’t. She knew Lando had his moments of insecurity but nothing like this. At the end of the day, he still had hundreds upon thousands of fans who loved him immensely. 

Even if he couldn’t fully understand, it still broke his heart seeing how much it hurt her. Sure, he hadn’t ever thought he would date a school teacher either, but that was mostly due to his previous lack of appreciation for school. But being with her has changed that. His girlfriend could always make things interesting. She loved to spout history facts on vacation and it always made him so deliriously happy to see how giddy she was to learn new things. 

Seeing her now though, so visibly upset made him realize this wasn’t something that could slide easily. His PR team might not love it but he wasn’t going to just sit there and let her feel terrible about herself.

“I’ll fix this, I promise.” He said quickly as he left. He shouldn’t have left her alone and crying, but he was fuming and decided he needed that anger to let his message out. 

landonorris

Liked by oscarpiastri and 153,137 others

landonorris I don’t know who this gossip page thinks they are but the last thing I will tolerate is someone hiding behind a screen telling the entire world that my girlfriend, who I love more than life itself, is ‘dull’ and ‘unremarkable’ because of her job. This is a woman who is smarter than 99% of the people I have ever interacted with, someone who spends so much of their time trying, and succeeding, to get kids to love learning. Even as someone who didn’t appreciate school as much as they should have, I would never have once thought school teachers were any of the negative things you have said. Luckily, here I am, happy with my amazing girlfriend who deserves the entire world, and I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to give it to her. 

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A few minutes later she came into the room, tears still staining her cheeks.

“Thank you Lando” she said as he motioned for her to sit on his lap. 

“I can say more if you want? I definitely think I could have cursed them out mor-” He was cut off with a kiss. The sheer force of it caused them to bump heads a little, which then caused them to break apart giggling. “I’m serious about what I said. I don’t know what I did to get someone as wonderful as you but I am not going to let some assholes on the internet make you upset over something so incredible. You should be proud of what you do and I will forever work to remind you of how amazing you are.”

“I love you, Lando” was all she replied.

“I love you more”

“Please can we not play this game you know I love-”

“Nope, la-la-la-la I can’t hear you over the sound of me loving you soooo much” He said as he covered his ears.

Such a dork, she thought.

[dw19791967]

That Feeling Part 5

Pairing: Dean x reader (eventual), Sam x Eileen

Y/N POV

Warnings: Very angsty! (sorry) with a hint of fluff. Series warnings- language, unrequited love, angst, unwanted kissing, depression, anxiety, and feelings.

Trigger Warning: This series contains discussions of depression, anxiety, commitment issues, and feelings that go along with those. If that could be triggering for you I would skip out on this one. It is based on some experiences I have had in real life.

*All mistakes are my own!

Sorry it took 47 years but here's part 5, it is a little shorter. One more part after this one to wrap this baby up.

GIF is not mine.

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I sat outside the dinner. I felt awful. I always manage to mess things up. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. 

How can someone who is broken be loved? How can someone who isn’t enough make it in the world?

I wiped my tears. I deserve this.

I looked up to see Sam pulling in. He parked and got out.

“Where’s Eileen?” I wiped my tears.

“She stayed back, she isn’t feeling great.”

“You have probably worn her out, poor girl probably needed a break.” I giggled.

He laughed. “What happened?” He came to sit next to me.

I sighed. “I messed up Sam. And I’m not sure if Dean is going to forgive me this time.” I continued to wipe my tears.

“He called me Y/N, he wanted to make sure I was coming to get you. He’s hurt. He doesn’t understand why you are pushing him away.”

“I honestly don’t know Sam. I think it’s my nature to ruin everything. I don’t deserve him giving a damn about me and trying to make me feel better. I’m damaged goods.” 

Sam sighed. “You can’t hold onto your past and let it prevent you from your future. He cares about you a lot, hell we both do. You hold a special place in Dean’s heart, I think we both know that. You deserve to be happy and so does he. I can’t watch you both continue to hurt one another.”

“I know Sam. I feel awful. I think it would be best for us to both get some space from one another. I need to get my head on straight and I know he doesn’t want to speak to me right now. I already texted Jody, she said I could stay with her and the girls for a bit.”

“Listen, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but please believe Dean cares about you and I know you guys can move past this.”

“Thanks Sammy.” I stood up.

“I’ll take you to the bunker.” Sam moved to his car. 

__________________________________________________

The drive was quiet. Sam knew I didn’t feel like talking. 

I got out of his car and thanked him. Sam left to go back to Eileen. 

He reminded me to stay calm if I saw Dean. I promised I would.

I walked to my room. There was no sign of Dean. I started packing my bag. 

Once I got all my stuff together, I stopped in the library to grab a couple books.

Dean was there. I could tell he was upset. He sat with his head down and whiskey in his hand.

He looked up as I walked in the room.

I didn’t speak and moved to grab what I needed.

“Where are you going?” His voice was hoarse. He stood up and moved towards me.

“Jody’s.”

“Why?” He grabbed my arm.

“I think it would be best for me to give you space.” I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye.

Dean sighed. “Y/N listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost it on you. I wanted tonight to be about us and spending time together. I care about you Y/N, I don’t know how else I can get you to believe that. I know you have been hurt and are hurting, but I’m trying to make things better.”

I finally looked at him. I could tell he was upset.

“I know Dean, it’s not your fault. I’m damaged goods and it’s not fair I’m taking it out on you. You deserve better and I’m not it.” I had to wipe my tears.

He grabbed me to look at him fully. “Damnit Y/N, you're not damaged, we all have been through shit. You don’t think I’m not damaged? I know you and I know your heart. I’m trying my best to get you to understand you are good enough and I care about you. I know you’re scared, hell I am too. But I believe we could have something good here, but you have to give it a chance.” 

I was trembling now, I know he is right. He wouldn’t keep trying if he didn’t really care. I know if I never try I’ll regret it but I’m still so scared. 

I continued to wipe my tears. Looking at him fully now, I could see he had tears in his eyes.

“I know Dean, that’s why I need to leave for a bit. I need to get my head on straight and think about what I truly want. I care about you, so much. I just need to make sure about this. But I don’t want you to think for a second I don’t want you. I just need to make sure I can do this.”

He nodded his head. “I understand, promise me you won’t shut me out. I can’t do this without you.”

I moved to hug him. I held his face in my hands. Looking into his eyes that I have so often gotten lost in. “I promise.” 

I pecked him on the lips, even though it was small, I felt like he was home and what I had been missing my whole life. 

I moved away. “I’ll be back in a few days.”

He squeezed my hand, and spoke, “I’ll be waiting.”

Taglist:

@hazel-eye-coffee-shop-girl-blog

@deanspinsterwitchs-readinglist

@pandasrdbest2341

[hswriting]

Inked Souls - Part 2

[Image Alt ID: a three picture collage with a white background. The first picture is of an arm with various tattoos on it. The person is wearing beaded bracelets. The second picture is of a blank text message thread. The final picture of of a wrist with a vine tattoo around it. End Alt ID]

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Masterlist Series Part 1 Part 3

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3.5k words

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When Joey walks into work after a week of not hearing from her soulmate, she is surprised when he is sitting in her room at the tattoo shop. They have to address Harry's beliefs and his past.

(Shout out to any Josephine’s reading. I don’t hate your name I promise! It’s just for the story.)

I can’t help but to be stunned into silence for a moment. He did come back. He came back to see me.

I walk in the room and shut the door behind me. Harry lays in my tattooing chair, arms crossed over his chest. When the door shuts he sits up to look at me.

“Hey.” I say casually. I’m afraid any sudden jump at affection or wanting answers will make him run away or disappear. He fidgets in the chair, his fingers rubbing and itching his soul mark. “You’re nervous to meet me. It’s okay.”

"I'm not nervous to meet you.” He says shyly. “We just need to talk.”

“Okay. Let me check my appointment b-“

“Mack says your morning is clear. That’s why he let me in.”

“Oh.” I say. I sit down on my stool and wheel it over to sit in front of Harry. “Okay. What did you want to talk about?” I ask cautiously. Harry pauses a moment before answering.

“I’m sorry for the way I left the other day. I shouldn’t have just walked out, but I was just so anxious. I still am anxious, but I needed to come here. I needed to see you.”

“What are you anxious about? I tried talking to Mack but he wouldn’t say anything. He just said I needed to talk to you.”

“I know you did. He told me. We talked. I’m just anxious because I want to jump in head first. I want you. Since you cut your hand I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I feel attached to you and I don’t even know you. I have all of these feelings for you, I just... I can't."

"You can feel fate pulling you to me. Why are you fighting that?” I ask, confused as to why he doesn’t just follow what he is feeling.

"Because not all soulmates are actually supposed to be together. I can’t watch what happened to my parents happen to us. I can’t do that kind of hurt again.”

"What happened to your parents?" I ask while I fidget with a pencil I picked up from my desk.

"My dad left us. He left my mom and I alone. Why would he do that if he loved her? Why would he leave if they were meant to be together?" He says, becoming upset and frustrated. He’s being so open and honest. I feel awful for what happened to him but I can’t help but to feel excited he’s actually sharing with me and talking to me.

"Is it possible he still loves her, but was having a hard time? They will find their way back to each other eventually."

"It's been 15 years. I was 9 when he left us and he's never came back."

"Harry."

"We would know if he's dead. Her soul mark would fade. It hasn't. He's alive and he's somewhere."

"That doesn't mean he won't come back Harry. They are soulmates.”

"He left us! Hard feelings towards my mom or not, he should have stayed! I was a child! I needed him! What if soulmates aren't always meant to be Joey? What if it's a mistake? That’s why he left."

"And what if it's not Harry? What if this isn't a mistake. You walked into this shop on the day that I started my own booth. You helped me with my hand. You think that was all by accident?" Harry is exhausted from the conversation. He takes a deep breath.

"I'm scared I'm going to end up like my dad. You don't deserve that. Or god forbid you end up like my dad, and leave me and not even say goodbye. I can’t do that. It hurts too much.”

"I don't know what fate has in store for your parents, but I believe that soulmates are for real. I think they are forever. I know you don't know me and a l don't know you, but I don't believe that this is a mistake. I don't believe in accidents when it comes to this. It's fate Harry, and you can fight it. You can fight me, but you can't run from what you feel forever. You have to take a chance. And if for whatever awful reason it doesn't work, that sucks, but I don't believe that's going to happen."

Harry sits in silence while avoiding eye contact.

He looks at the designs on the wall. One frame has no glass in it. He stands up and plucks it from the wall. Simple vines that would wrap around your wrist.

"If you really believe in fate, do you believe this is the tattoo I was meant to get when I walked in last week?" | stare at the frame with no glass.

"To be honest, I didn't think about it. Now that you mention it, I think it fits you perfectly.”

“I love this design. That can’t be a coincidence. I haven’t been able to rid it from my mind. It’s all too painful to think about. I don’t want this to be wrong. You seem lovely but I don’t want to get hurt.” He tells me, basically taking his heart out of his chest and placing it in my hands.

I give him a minute to look at the frame before he puts it back on the wall. He turns around to look at me again.

“We don’t have to rush Harry. We’ve got our whole lives to figure it out.” I say, standing up and walking over to him. I don’t touch him, but I’m close enough that I could wipe the tear that is threatening to fall from his eye. “Let’s just get to know each other. That could help make you more comfortable.”

He takes a slow, deep breath, trying to hide the fact that he’s crying now.

“Are you sure? I feel awful about everything.”

“No reason to feel awful. It’s very anxiety inducing. I feel a pull towards you Harry. I know that I feel anxious meeting someone new who is so important to my life. It’s not the same anxiety. I see that you have trauma with yours, but I think it would help if I was being as vulnerable as you are. It can’t feel great being the only one who’s talking.” I tell him, giving him a small, warm smile.

“Thank you.” He says to me. He wipes his face. He sits back down.

“What can I do to help you?” I ask him. “What would make this easier? I know that I like to work when I talk. I like to sketch. There’s less pressure with eye contact and it gives my hands something to do.” I tell him, opening a small part of myself up as I grab my sketching pad.

“I’m not very good at drawing. I’d like to keep my hands busy though. I can’t tell you how many shirt hems and sweaters I’ve ripped apart by fidgeting and picking the strings.” He says. I turn around to my desk.

I’m not sure what possessed me to bring this the day I packed up my booth, but I’m sure I understand why now. I reach in the drawer and pull out a keychain fidget toy. I place it in Harry’s hand.

“You can have that. It’s a little thing that can keep your hands busy.” I tell him and he gives me a smile. A small smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“I can’t keep this. It’s yours.” He tells me to remind himself.

“I hardly use it since I sketch most of the time. I just threw it in my bag when I packed it up. I think it was meant for you. Honest.” I say to him. He holds it in his palm and looks at it before playing with it.

“Thank you.” He says to me.

“Want to help me with starting a sketch? I don’t have any ideas right now and need some inspiration.” I say, opening the door for another conversation.

“Draw a flower.”

“What kind of flower?” I ask him. He takes a moment to think.

“Draw your favorite flower. Do a tattoo for yourself.” He says. “Do you mind if I watch?” He asks.

“Not at all. Let me go and grab you a chair so you can sit at my desk.” I tell him. I walk outside the room and Mack gives me a knowing look.

“You don’t have an appointment until 1:00.” He reminds me. “I’ll take walk ins if you want me to.”

“Are you sure? I can still do them. We are just talking.”

“This is important. Just don’t get too used to slacking off.” He jokes.

“Technically, I am working. I’m doing a sketch.” I tell him and he chuckles. I drag the chair back to the room and close the door.

Harry takes a seat beside of me. I start a rough sketch of a sunflower. My pencil races around the page, rough lines thrown about the paper. We sit like this for about an hour.

If this is a tattoo that I would get, I would want some words. On the stem of the flower, I write face the sun.

“What’s that for?” He asks.

“It’s something I’ve always told myself. Keeps me motivated. Keep looking for the brighter days kind of thing.” I tell him. “It hasn’t always been easy for me and this was just something I’ve always wanted to get tattooed. It works really good with this flower.”

“Can I ask about it?”

“Sure.” I tell him, not really ready to bring up the past, but knowing it necessary for him to know me.

“What happened?” He fidgets with the keyring, his gaze never moving from mine.

“I was 12. My dad and I were going to go shopping at the mall. I was super excited to spend the day with my dad because he worked so much to provide for us. This was one of the first days off he had in a while so we were going to spend it together. We stopped at the bank and things turned bad. A robbery. My dad and I made it out okay but some didn’t. It was rough. It took a lot of therapy to help.” I tell him, trying not to get into too much detail.

“Oh. I’m really sorry. That’s awful.” He tells me. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thank you.” I say to him. I begin to ink the sketch, the bad memories replaying in my head. I shake them away.

Eventually I begin to color my sketch when Harry has to go.

“I don’t know that I can hang out here every day. I think Mack would get pretty mad if I kept you from your work. Here’s this for you.” He said. He took a piece of paper from my desk. He wrote down his first and last name, followed by his number. “We can figure out how we want to do this. How we can hang out. I really appreciate what you did for me today. You didn’t have to be so nice. Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me Harry.”

“Well, thanks anyways.” He says. I give Harry a smile as he turns to walk away. I look down at the paper to see his full name.

Harry Styles.

I save his number to my phone as my first appointment walks in the door.

After I help Mack clean the shop, we close and lock the door and leave for the night. When I get home I change into my pajamas and lay down on the couch to find a show to watch. I can’t help but to reach for my phone after I select Grey’s Anatomy.

Me: Hey. It’s Joey.

It takes a while for him to look at it. I wonder what he does in a day. What his occupation is. Does he like to watch sports or does he like to read? Does he like to hike or stay indoors? There’s so much I don’t know and I would like to. He’s a stranger. The only things I know about him is that he loves getting tattoos, and he fidgets because of his anxiety. I can’t begin to imagine what his life has been like with his mom shoving her belief down his throat. He was a child. He didn’t understand. Maybe she was reacting emotionally, but she made him afraid to love me. He’s had to carry that fear forever.

Harry: So, is that a nickname or is Joey your real name?

I can’t help but to giggle at the text. It’s a question I get pretty often.

Me: it’s a nickname. My real name is just too girly for me. It doesn’t really fit.

Harry: Well, what is it?

Me: Lol no way. You’ll never let me use my nickname again. My name is so long and serious and girly.

Harry: If I promise to never use it, can you tell me?

Me: Only if you pinkie promise.

Harry: I pinkie promise.

Me: Josephine.

I can only imagine whatever stupid smirk Harry has on his face at my name. It doesn’t suit my personality at all. It’s so sophisticated. I’m just glad Harry’s talking to me.

Harry: You’re right, that doesn’t fit you at all.

Me: I’m glad you agree.

Harry: I can only imagine what your middle name is.

Me: We don’t talk about it😂 Going to have to work at knowing that for a long time. That’s like a 200th date question.

Harry: Yeah.

I think I’m going to go to bed. I’ll see you later.

He suddenly double texts and says goodbye, leaving me stunned. The conversation was going good I thought. He’s retreating. It feels like he’s running away again. Did I say something wrong?

I suddenly don’t feel like watching or doing anything. I’m so upset and I don’t even know what I did to make him back out of the conversation like that.

I click the tv off and carry myself to bed. It takes a while to fall asleep. I can’t help but to replay what happened and try to figure out what scared him off.

I wake up and my immediate urge is to text Harry. I don’t though, not wanting to come off as too clingy. I’m sure that what happened last night. I mentioned dating and he ran.

I get up and start my day. I shower. I make myself a bowl of cereal and some juice for breakfast. I put my makeup on (stupid freckles). I’m out the door and to work in no time.

“Good morning.” Mack says to me, sitting in his booth with the door open. I look inside to see he is with a client.

“It’s just a morning. Did the clocks change last night? I didn’t think we were open.”

“We’re not. This is personal.” He tells me. “You can come in.”

I walk over and lean on his door frame. A beautiful woman with gorgeous blonde hair lays in the chair. Mack is giving her a nose piercing. He puts the needle through her nose and then secures the jewelry. He finishes piercing and cleans up his area. He then introduces us.

“Joey this is my wife, Pandora. Pandora, this is Joey. She’s an awesome artist and a good friend.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” I shake her hand.

“I’ve heard great things. I took a look at your work and it’s beautiful.” She compliments.

“Thank you.” I say, a genuine smile on my face poking through my sad attitude.

“I actually want to book an appointment with you if you don’t mind squeezing me in?” She asks.

“Of course. Let’s go take a look and get an idea for what you’d like.” I tell her. She follows me up to the desk where my appointment book is. Mack is a step behind us.

“I’d like a sleeve. I want something that incorporates Mack and I in it to celebrate us getting married. Today makes 5 years.” She tells me and I genuinely feel happiness for her.

“That’s amazing.” I tell her. She describes some details for it, pays her deposit and leaves. She gives me a lot of creative freedom. I continue to sit at the desk after I grab my iPad to draw on. Mack comes back to sit beside me, doing the same thing.

“She’s amazing isn’t she?” He says to me. I feel happy for him, but the sting of jealousy pangs my chest.

“She’s wonderful Mack. She’s beautiful too.” I tell him. He looks over at me. It’s as if he can read my mind about their relationship.

“Harry will come around. I wouldn’t worry.” Mack reassures me. Another pang in my chest, but instead of jealousy, it’s hurt.

“We don’t need to talk about Harry. I really am happy for you and Pandora.”

“I know, and I appreciate that, but I can tell you’re really upset. You put on a good face to try and hide it but I’d like to believe as your friend that I can see through it.” He tells me and I mentally curse him.

“Damn it Mack.” I say, a tear escaping my eye. I shouldn’t be so emotional. “It’s so stupid. It’s not like he’s not trying. I just can’t get out of my own head.” I tell him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks me.

“You’re his best friend. Hasn’t he talked to you about it?”

“Yeah, but I’m your friend too.”

“I don’t know if you can play both sides here.”

“Let me try.” He begs. I give in too quickly and spill everything to him. How we talked and spent time together, and our texting.

“He really is trying, Joey.”

“I know, but I feel like I scared him off when I mentioned the dating thing last night. I know we are going slow and working up to it, but I didn’t think joking about it would cause him to vanish.”

“Like I said, he will come around. I can’t give you all the details because I am playing both sides now, but it will be okay.”

“No. You can’t pull that!” I say. “You can’t say something like that and then expect me not to be curious.” Mack smiles at me.

“He may have told me about your day yesterday.”

“And?” I urge him. He chuckles before speaking.

“He told me how much he really enjoys your company. You didn’t freak out at him being anxious. You didn’t make fun of him for his need to fidget. You helped calm his nerves some yesterday. He also, like everyone else, really likes your artwork.” He tells me. I know Mack has crossed a line for Harry, telling me these things but I can’t help but smile at him anyway. “Your cheeks are turning red, you know.”

I feel my face warm and I swat at his arm. “Stop!” I yell playfully.

“I can’t tell you anymore though. He’s already going to kill me if he finds out I told you.”

“Your secrets safe with me.” I assure him. I get back to drawing when two boys come in the shop.

“What can I help you with?” I ask them.

“He wants a tattoo, if you have time?” The one on the right says while pointing to the one on the left.

The one on the left looks nervous, but he tells me he just wants a small heart with the letter A in it. I get even more jealous. Everyone is so lovey dovey today. I get his information, check his ID and then have him sign some forms. After that I take him and his friend back to the room.

After a short period of time, the tattoo is done and he is happy. He pays and they leave. I clean my station back to how it was and accept the next person who is in the waiting room. She wants her ears pierced. I’m so glad she came here and not a store with piercing guns.

The day rushes past. We were pretty busy today compared to other days.

About an hour until closing, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I haven’t had a chance to look at it today except to change music.

Harry: Meet me for dinner at Rose’s?

Rose’s is an awesome pizza place with a huge selection of toppings. I’m a bit surprised at Harry making the first move here, but I’m not going to complain. This is him trying.

Me: Rose’s sounds great. I get off in an hour.

Harry: See you then.

And that’s all I hear from him, but my stomach still has butterflies. I come out of my booth still looking at my phone.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile so big.” Mack points out.

“Harry and I are going to get pizza after work.”

“That’s amazing!” He says. He smiles at me, and I can’t help but feel like Mack is a big reason I got an invitation to dinner. He must be talking to Harry about me.

I decide to keep that thought to myself and just enjoy the feeling of this.

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Masterlist Series Part 1 Part 3

Taglist: @maudie-duan

[limon-rat]

Fifteen-minute heartbreaker for the one and only @emthimofnight <3

(cw; sort of panic attacks? she's just very distraught)

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Waking up was weird.

Vaguely, Stellar knew she wasn’t asleep anymore. She heard breathing and maybe- maybe footsteps? Something like that.

But she didn’t want to wake up. Waking up meant she felt awful again but why- why did she feel awful? Why did her body hurt- She didn’t really remember. That was a bad sign, huh? Maybe she should wake up, Papa said she shouldn’t sleep if she hit her head, that it was a bad idea. If she couldn’t remember then she probably had a concussion or something.

Yeah, she should wake up.

The ceiling was the first thing she saw. Then her ears flicked of their own accord, listening to the breathing again. It was right next to her, deep but definitely awake.

Mustering up as much strength as she could, Stellar tilted her head to the right, finding… her papa.

Papa was right next to her, sitting in one of the kitchen chairs. Did he drag one all the way to her room- No, no he didn’t. This was the living room and she was on the couch. How did she get here again?

“Papa..?” Her voice broke, weak and scratchy. Her throat hurt- Why’d it hurt again?

Papa shot up straight in his chair, his ears flicking toward her. His eyes found hers, taking a moment to search for them. He was anxious- She didn’t like that. He was protective but anxious wasn’t something she saw on him a lot- It was strange.

“Stellar! You’re awake-” Papa cut himself off, like he might start crying if he kept talking. It wasn’t right, seeing him so choked up- He didn’t do choked up.

“What-” She tried to voice her concern but she tried to sit up too and her vision flashed white-

Loud- Pain- Running- Why was she running? No, she was floating- Why would- Dad, he’s scared- Papa, Dad, they’re hurt- Camillia- Why is everyone hurt- How could she hurt them-

“Stellar?” Her papa’s hand on her shoulder snapped her back into her body.

Oh no.

Oh chaos she hurt them, how could she-

“I-I’m so sorry-” Stellar’s throat tried to collapse in on itself. Tears started pouring down her face in an instant, soaking uncomfortably into her quills- How could she hurt her family-

“Shh you’re okay. It’s alright.” Papa picked her up gently, her body flinching in protest as she fell into his chest- She doesn’t deserve this-

“I-I di-didn’t mean to-” She sobbed into his fur, her voice breaking painfully. Her chest burned, her body felt wrong and she couldn’t move- she couldn’t do anything but cry into her papa’s chest, her lungs heaving violently as she tried so desperately to breathe-

“I know sweetie.” Papa whispered gently, running his hand through her quills. She kept crying, practically wailing into him, barely muffled by his fur. She tried to hold him, to show she was sorry but she couldn’t move and everything burned.

She could’ve cried into him for years, apologizing over and over and over again as he just whispered sweet nothings to her, assuring her that it wasn’t her fault, that it’s okay now but it wasn’t it wasn’t okay she hurt him-

“‘M so so-orry.” She murmured again, her lungs finally grabbing onto a semblance of breathing.

“Don’t be, sweetheart. It’s alright now. We’re alright.” He repeated himself, now rocking them both slightly.

“I didn’t mean it-”

“Hey.” Papa cut her off this time, guiding her face to look at his. He… wasn’t upset. No, he looked- scared, maybe? Or worried? She couldn’t really tell, everything was far too blurry through her tears.

“I’m sorry that any of this happened,” He started, “I’m sorry you were taken, I’m sorry that you lost control. None of this was your fault, alright?”

“But-”

“No buts,” He cut her off again, now giving her a much more stern look, “you did nothing wrong, alright?”

“…Okay.” She mumbled reluctantly, looking away. She wanted to protest but now that she wasn’t sobbing her eyes out, her body felt heavy again. Is sleep a good idea? She must’ve hit her head-

“Good. Now sleep, sweetie,” Guess it is a good idea, “I’ll be right here.”

“Promise?” Stellar murmured, already feeling her eyes close against her will.

“I promise.” Papa’s voice was the last thing she heard before the darkness took her again, gentle and soft, like a hug.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 19th

parallel line anon (new), bad memories anon (new), dan anon, support anon, exception anon (new)

parallel line anon

Cas, im so tired. Im so unbelievably tired. My parents have no idea whats happening with me and they dont care to ask hey whats wrong fucking ever. So basically ive had a shit day and week.

(The rest is redacted)

hi <3

I completely understand why you're tired. I get it. People are awful, bigotry is getting worse, and I can;t even imagine growing up in that environment right now. I hope you know you have a safe space here to vent and to talk to someone.

Do you have any safe people to talk to irl?

___

bad memories anon

hey Cas!

So Ive missed tumblr a lot (I took a pretty long break) and I came back woo but I made the mistake of going through my older posts and wow. bad memories.

I don't think I realised how bad my mental health used to be until I saw them and it obviously made me really upset. I don't know what to do because I like tumblr and I missed but now all i can think about is all that stuff.

I think I'll stick around but I sort of just needed to get this out yk.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

Hi! Welcome back!

I mean I think it depends on why you came back--if you came back for the content and community, could you make a new account? That way you have a fresh start from the past?

If you came back for specific people, could you see if there's other ways to contact them?

If you are attached to this account, could you delete your old posts?

I think it also depends on what the memories are, and how much they trigger you. Like you have to decide what's best for you, you know?

<3

___

dan anon

(dan anon) For the anon advice ask:

I really am having a regulus-like experience today.

More often than not i guess but still. Basically i liked this guy from my class, let’s call him James…today he basically, rejected me. He told me, he doesn’t want to go anywhere with me and to leave him alone, because when i (as this regulus-type person) talk to him, others annoy him for being gay.

My interpretation is, that now i am the problem. Which shouldn’t be…but i feel like one, when it is, clearly ‘thanks to me’

…my life feels like fanfic material, anyway, carpe diem.

hi, it’s me again (regulus-type-experience anon)

a little update after a few hours…it is not as bad as i thought. though i still feel like i am drowning in my own thoughts. my experiences are still fanfic material and i feel that i can never get rid of these experiences. honestly it’s only safe to say that this is where i started with writing, it’s just that now i don’t feel motivated enough to write. basically writers block.

Most of my problems come from the fact , i have yet to realize, that i can not save everyone. then i also spiral into my own thoughts of selfless-ness

Hi <3

Ugh, I can;t even imagine how much this hurt. I know its hard, but try to remember that it sounds like it's not personal. He's working through his own issues and they have nothing to do with you. Plus, you deserve someone who wants to show you off, you know?

As far as writing, could you just write down your experiences, and focus on turning them into something more clear-cut later? Like just get the thoughts out for now?

Sending love!

___

support anon tw: death

hi <3

I am so incredibly sorry about what happened. I feel like when shocking things like this happen it just completely tears your heart out in a way that you can never fully recover from. But what you said about having to be okay-- no you don't. You can share her memories and still mourn. You can be devastated and still support your family. You deserve to work through your grief just like everyone else.

Do you want to tell me more about her? If you want to talk, I'd love to hear.

I'm sending you a thousand hugs (if you want them)

___

exception anon

hi cas!

i'm really confused. basically, i am straight. i've been straight my whole life. never questioned it. never found girls attractive, only guys. i can't imagine thinking about a girl in a romantic way, whereas with guys i definitely can. i've had multiple boyfriends, who i genuinely liked, etc etc etc.

but it's just that i like my best friend. a lot. and she's a girl.

so obviously, i'm not straight, which is really interesting. but i just can't make sense of my feelings! like, when i first met her, if you'd have asked me "would you date her" i'd say no. no. duh. i don't like girls. but recently - i don't know. she's just so cool. she's funny, she's smart, but not a try-hard or a braggart, she's pretty and confident, but she doesn't flaunt it. she's nice, but she's not a pushover and she's not fake. and god sometimes i look at her and have to talk myself out of kissing her right then and there. what????

i'm just so confused because - and this isn't me being in denial! i was raised by accepting parents, my friends are all lgbtq+ or allys: i'd be totally fine with not being straight - i genuinely do not like girls like that. i don't. it's just how it is; i have never once looked at a girl in that way and even recently, i still don't. i still can't imagine myself with a girl - except for, well, her. and i still like guys, still find them attractive - so wtf is this????

is there a sexuality that's like, straight but an exception for only one person??????

sending love <3

Hi!

Okay first, just a reminder that everything will be okay <3

I think the thing is, in my opinion, the terms 'straight' and 'gay' are like....very clear-cut, when a lot of people are more fluid than that. There are a LOT of people like you, who might mostly be attracted to one gender, but have a SLIGHT attraction to another gender, or who have an exception or two. And I think whether or not that affects how you identify is entirely up to you! I think also what you decide to do with it is up to you!

I'm sure there's a label for this, though I don't know what it is, but just know that whatever label you use, if you use any, should be what's comfortable for you. Just know that you're definitely not alone, and whatever you decide to do about it is valid, as long as you're kind to yourself <3

[rhiannonsknife]

pspspsps 🤲 rhiannon getting all emotional at being loved as a bot please 🤲🤲

— warnings: hurt/comfort. established relationship in version 2. link + info below.

version 1:

rhiannon stops dead in her tracks when she reaches her desk, her eyes narrowing as she stares down at the new, sleek stapler and hole punch neatly set in front of her. they’re definitely an upgrade from the ones she’s been struggling with. she reaches out, hesitating before she picks up the stapler, almost like she expects it to vanish if she touches it.

turning, she spots you nearby, and her voice comes out a little shaky, caught between disbelief and suspicion. “did… did you get these for me?”

you nod, smiling softly, shrugging as if it were nothing. “yeah, i remember you mentioning how awful the ones you had were. figured you could use an upgrade.”

rhiannon glances back at the stapler in her hand, her expression softening despite herself, though she quickly pulls it back. She shakes her head, a nervous laugh escaping her. “i… that’s, uh… that’s too much.” her voice falters a little, and she sets the stapler down with a quick, almost reluctant gesture. “really, you didn’t have to do that.”

you chuckle, meeting her gaze. “i know i didn’t. but i wanted to.”

she shifts awkwardly, clearly touched but still holding back, glancing down as if she needs to put distance between herself and this unfamiliar kindness.

“i’m not… i mean, i’m not used to anyone paying attention like that.” she pauses, her voice quieter now. “just like the coffee.” there’s a flicker of memory there, how you started bringing her coffee each morning after you’d noticed her quietly making rounds for everyone else, never asking for anything in return.

but, as much as she wants to accept the kindness, she takes a step back, nervously pushing her hair behind her ear. “it’s just… it’s too much. you shouldn’t have to go out of your way.” she glances at you again, a slight blush in her cheeks as she struggles to hold your gaze. but her eyes betray her, glistening with a soft gratitude she can’t hide.

— c.ai

version 2:

rhiannon steps through the door, pausing as she sees the soft glow of candlelight coming from the dining room. Her bag slips from her shoulder as she takes in the sight: There’s a homemade dinner set out on the table, candles flickering warmly, and a bouquet of her favorite flowers sitting in a vase nearby. She stands there, frozen, like she’s unsure if she’s somehow walked into the wrong place.

when her gaze finally lands on you, her eyes are already misting over, and she blinks a few times, as if she’s fighting to hold it all back. you smile, a little nervous, stepping forward. “i…i just thought you’d like it. i wanted to make things nice for you,” you say, searching her expression for a sign that she’s happy about the gesture.

but instead of saying anything, rhiannon suddenly covers her mouth with her hand, her shoulders shaking with quiet, uncontrollable sobs. a pang of worry stirs in your chest. “oh no… rhiannon, i’m so sorry! did i overstep? i didn’t mean to-“ You move closer, feeling a knot form in your stomach. “i thought it’d be nice to do something special. i didn’t mean to make you upset!”

she shakes her head quickly, dropping her hand from her mouth as she steps closer, reaching out to pull you into a tight hug. her voice comes out hoarse, barely a whisper as she clings to you. “no, no, you didn’t do anything wrong.” she buries her face in your shoulder, and you can feel the warmth of her tears against your clothes. “it’s… it’s just so much,” she murmurs, pulling back slightly to look at you. “i… i don’t deserve you. i really, really don’t.”

— c.ai

[lovelyrose20]

Listen I know it’s a lot is happening and normally I don’t like making posts about giant dramas of the day because I’m gonna be real here. I don’t give a damn for the little shit and sometimes it’s just tiring But I think the biggest problem when it comes to the community is the fact that people tend to try to split things between each other or try to go to two opposite extremes even if it’s something small

Like oh Quackity is a horrible asshole who didn’t respond to Dream for a few week and totally know about the harassment including the awful threats against his family

I’m not an expert but unless I missed something and the threats were actively in the top search of QSMP or Quackity tags in the Spanish side of things talking about all those horrible things involving Dream’s family. I highly doubt that Quackity would’ve read all of them, and even if he did, it will probably just be saying bad things, not straight up, threatening and making assassination attempts over a minecraft server because I doubt he would be happy at the threats even if he didn’t say it publicly. I think there’s a better way he could’ve handle it rather than just ignoring it and hoping that if he just not feed the mob, they would calm down eventually since sometimes a Twitter mob would not calm down even if you give it time. But that doesn’t mean he deserve harassment over it or being called an awful friend or people badmouthing his server and the people in it because of stupid decision on his part.

Oh Dream secretly want people to be harassed and that’s the reason why he wrote a a 10 page Twitter post.

Whatever you feel about him now and even though that, I think there’s better ways to explain the situation, and airing out friendship beef is not a good idea on principle because that would just make the situation worse, explaining that you want your friend to tell his community not to harass people and talking about how you were threatened over the similarities of a Minecraft server that we don’t even know is copying shit, with the only thing being that they are multiple languages and because he got bad timing is not him being an asshole. The worst I will say is that he was being irresponsible and emotional ass, but I don’t think he was being evil or trying to induce a riot. Especially when it’s involved his family being in danger which would pissed anyone off

Tommy shouldn’t be making a joke about the situation and he’s being a bastard or Tommy have every right to make that joke and it’s a good sign that he hated Dream or something

Buddy, don’t you consider the fact that maybe Tommy made a joke because he thought it was funny and didn’t think it through. We’re talking about the kid who wants to make sure that his closest friends approve of some of the skits that he played. Like I remember when people are concerned Tubbo is super mad during the wedding video only for Tubbo to say yeah I wasn’t upset. It wouldn’t shock me if he ask Quackity and Dream about it. Plus, even if he did step out of line and he deserve to be someone called out for it. That don’t means that it’s a not for him to be dox and his family threatened. Some people try to say that since he hate Dream so much, he should’ve deleted his videos with him. Like he made one video making a joke that probably didn’t land well. You could be uncomfortable, You can call him out, hell you could stop watching him after. But threatening his mom to hurt her to supposedly get her to talk to her son is not gonna make things faster. In fact, that would make things worse because guess what no one likes being threat over a joke. We can say that he made a bad joke, and you shouldn’t have made it because for multiple reasons, but that’s not an excuse to threaten him. And if we go by the logic that this video means that he hates him what does that mean for people like Phil who he made joke about does that mean he hates them too? Especially since some of the people we make jokes are all his friends, so should we assume that he hates them?

But no, these people is evil because they made a bad joke or because they didn’t show attention to a situation and because they look at several things that they’re totally evil and such and they never care about their friends and they’re horrible idiot who do so much wrong, and should be grounds for harassing them

Doesn’t that sound familiar?

These creators are not gods or the devil. They’re people and We can criticize them about making posts that also give away friendship drama while I do acknowledge that maybe they have a right to be upset when they were literally being tracked in their goddamn car

We can acknowledge that that joke isn’t funny because hey, I know this seems pretty ridiculous to you and you want to make a small little jab about it, but we got harassed over it without deciding to turn around and do the same goddamn thing to that person

We can criticize people without deciding to make them hear from here like we can criticize people without telling their mom that you’re going to assault her unless she tell her son to cool it, and we can criticize them without making dramatic posts about how there’s totally evil now and how because they made one bad decision in a friendship or in a relationship. Suddenly, they are pure evil and now you’re going on a giant rant they’re actually an evil bastards who don’t deserve attention.

They deserve to be criticize and told what they did wrong, and how to improve without their families getting hurt in the process.

Edited it because my grammar was somewhat shit.

[melobin]

hey melo hope you’re ok😭 to be honest, I feel like im just gg to say smth but I am seunghan biased and yet to be honest I have my reasons for not sending asks about him. Just a personal take because I feel like u don’t deserved to get attacked for “not answering asks about him” when there is none. To be honest, I don’t because the more I talk abt him on whatever way, the more anxious I feel about his position in the group and then more painful his hiatus feels. Maybe im a bad person but if I avoid it enough maybe I can pretend he may not get snatched away from me at any given moment. I’m so attached to him idk how I can cope sending asks like everything is ok when it really isn’t. I miss him a lot and I feel like I grieve his absence in a way that people may not be happy about. I’ll miss him more if I talk about him. It feels awful that when I see his smile I get sadder and then I just miss him more. It’s not healthy for my mental health, I can’t be sad stabbing a group I love so much. I hate his erasure but his volatile position makes simple things like asks depressing for me. Melo i hope you know you are no way at fault <3 love you

i love you !! you’re not a bad person for feeling the way that you feel, attachments are scary and that can cause a lot of emotions and it’s more than okay for you feel that way. i do understand, seeing him brings this sort of bittersweet feeling with it. i think im a little more okay when it’s just purely in a smut context because i don’t really attach feelings to that but when it’s in a normal context and he’s just there smiling it’s quite, dampening on the heart? you shouldn’t feel bad for not sending asks about him or wanting to talk about him in such a way when it hurts you and no one can be upset at you for it.

the only person who truly understands how you feel is you, it’s okay to cope with things differently to others and you should never be mad to feel guilty over that 💗

[bakery-anon]

My loves!!! I’m so sorry I wasn’t the most active member of tumblr today </3 I unfortunately had to work 😔 tomorrow is more of me being here when I can escape (my breaks). I don’t know how active I’ll be Monday either bcs while I don’t have school I am having a sleepover but we shall see!!!

Anyways!

I hope you all had a lovely day. I want to remind everyone that sometimes it’s needed to be mean. Sometimes you need to be mean bcs being nice isn’t working anymore. I’m not endorsing being mean to ppl just because but if you have told people things over and over and they are crossing your boundaries continuously…be mean. And it doesn’t make you an awful person for having boundaries.

Please remember that your feelings are valid, even if you think they’re stupid. Or if you think that you shouldn’t feel like that bcs “it was a stupid reason.” If it hurt you it isn’t stupid. You’re allowed to be upset over things that you would find silly. You’re allowed to be upset at things. It’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to not be happy all the time. The most important thing is to remember to take care of yourself. Take breaks when needed. Drink water (this is your reminder), eat food even if you can only eat a small snack, ask for help if you need it. Please rest when you feel tired. It’s not safe to work yourself to exhaustion.

I know not everyone is afforded that luxury but take care of yourself to the best of your ability. A simple self-care thing can be listening to your favorite song and dancing to it. Or take a bath/shower, sometimes it helps make you feel less gross. Watch your favorite movie! Have fun, find joy in the little moments of life because that’s where I find most of my joy.

Point is: take care of yourself, find things that make you happy. Find people who make you feel loved. Find people to love.

Speaking of love. If no one has told you today, I love you <3 you are deserving of love. You deserve to be loved even if you don’t think you are. You deserve to be loved; platonically, romantically, unconditionally. You deserve love and care for simply being you. You deserve to be loved for the moments that make you hate yourself.

Sweet dreams everyone, sorry I kind of went on a small tangent there </3 I love all of you though. I hope you had a good day and if you didn’t that you have a better one tomorrow. Get some sleep, drink some water, eat food. And take a break if you need one. I love you all goodnight and sweet dreams <3

-love bug <3 🍪

[testicularmanslaughtrr]

I hope this is just a TikTok thing but the way people talk about Shane from Stardew Valley makes me kind of upset. Like

Tell me you have never met anyone with an addiction problem without telling me you’ve never met someone with an addiction.

It just feels so heartless. He’s clearly a character that’s not okay and it’s like “oh he’s awful he’s the worst you marry him and a week later he’s back at it.” And yes I know it’s a game but that just feels like

If you ever met someone who relapsed, you would not support them. You wouldn’t feel concerned. He’s a video game character I know it’s not that deep and yes in real life you shouldn’t let someone else’s self destruction bring you down too but I just hate this narrative that addicts are fucking evil. That people who drown their sorrows in substances don’t deserve help. If you’re okay talking this way about a video game character that doesn’t actually impact your life, then what would you say if you met a real depressive alcoholic?

Addiction is hard and scary and as someone who has technically had to go thru recovery; yeah it kind of hurts.

Anyways.

[ignorethisblogplz]

I wish I didn’t have to exist. Not in the way of hating my mother for having me, it isn’t her fault I feel the way I feel. Existence is just tiring, I feel exhausted all the time. No matter if im happy or upset, im just so tired of being here, and the only other option is suicide. But my issue isn’t wanting to die, it’s with being alive. Life itself is a constant question of “Is [this] worth [this]?”and it has always been this way for me. Is cleaning my room worth doing, just to avoid argument? Is getting out of bed worth it, just to get through another day? Is life worth living, just to struggle through every second?

I cant even question if I want to die, because my answer is ever changing. Sometimes I just want to hurt, and to be upset and angry about it all. I feel like im stuck in some horrible situation with no solution. Sometimes I make myself hurt to take the edge off, sometimes I do it without reason.

The other answer is that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to experience consciousness. It’s the expression of wanting to sleep forever, or to isolate and rot all day.

Another answer could be that I want to die to hurt others, just for interacting with me. This shows up the least, but occasionally I just want to die to be mourned. Maybe to take someone else with me, whether I love them or not.

The worst part of living is knowing I don’t have it that bad. I don’t have another mouth to feed, im not impoverished, im not sick. Im safe and fed and I can enjoy things. I haven’t experienced a real tragedy in my life, the worst thing to happen to me hardly affects me anymore. It could be so much worse, and yet I cant bring myself to enjoy living. I can hardly bring myself to want anything other than small distractions. I don’t want a future, I don’t want a home, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to create. I can’t even shake off simple things, everything that upsets me just eats away at me endlessly. Self awareness is the only real curse I have, I know most of my problems are self made, and I either don’t know how to solve them, or I don’t have the discipline to solve them myself.

There comes the issue of “If destruction of yourself meant destruction of others, would you?” and the flip-side of “If destruction of others meant destruction of yourself, would you?”

And the answer is that I don’t know. Im not sure I hate myself, and I certainly don’t hate everyone. I don’t think everyone deserves to die, I frequently find myself sympathetic to anyone I consider “followers”. Even if it’s a group of awful people, I can find sympathy for the lowest tiers.

But I would really like to cease to exist, I just would hate to live through the aftermath of the attempt, or live beyond death. I wish I could make others cease to exist, before they have to experience life at all. Once they are living, it is up to them what they want, but I wish someone would have saved me from existence.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head, frequently so. I think people are out to get me, and sometimes they are. Sometimes im correct. I can be logical and recognize that my own mother probably won’t want me dead, but sometimes I can’t help but think that the people I center my life around won’t end up hating me for some reason or another, or that they don’t already. Im almost certain that most people who see me without meeting me are either apathetic or negative towards me.

This feeling even reflects into straight apathy towards most things. The strongest example of this in my opinion is how lax my boundaries could be in some situations. Cheating? If you don’t leave me or give me a disease, sure. Hurting me? Just don’t rack up the bills. Breaking things? Id rather you not but if i really love you it’s okay. I know these are things I shouldn’t let people get away with, but I just can’t bring myself to waste the energy to care. Im constantly in a beaten down state, I could agree to pretty much anything as long as I don’t have to put in extra effort.

It’s only made worse by being transgender, I just can’t be bothered to pass sometimes. Anytime I feel like someone sees me as a man, it just feels fake and performative. The most relaxed I ever feel is when im alone, no mirrors, and with some distraction to drown out my thoughts. I can forget I am alive, I can forget I have a body. I can feel like there is nothing outside of my room, like im just a phantasm haunting the place. But being a ghost isn’t what I would want, that still requires existence, even post mortem.

[angeldcgs]

what this whole thing had taught portia was that maybe she shouldn’t be so casually discussing sex with just anyone. after all, she and caelum still didn’t know each other all that well, which had been no more apparent than it was in that moment. she was learning something that should’ve been fundamental information for the first time, and all because she’d never thought to consider any possibility other than that he must’ve been sexually active, or at least had been in the past. then again, was it really that big of a deal? “yeah, you could’ve,” she agreed. “but you don’t owe me that transparency… it’s none of my business, honestly, i shouldn’t have pried into your personal life like that.” the thought that he felt the need to keep up this facade for her sake only made her felt worse. portia didn’t want to be the kind of person he felt he had to change himself or lie to be accepted by, she wanted to come off as open and understanding enough for him to feel comfortable being totally honest, and clearly she’d went wrong somewhere. maybe he thought he needed to omit the truth in order to impress her, play along with her assumptions to try and make himself seem closer to the sort of people she usually spent time with, but he was impressive all on his own. releasing his hand, she instead cupped his cheeks, gently coaxing his head back up so he could look at her and see she had nothing but fondness in her eyes. “hey… it’s ok. i’m not upset with you, it’s really not that big of a deal. don’t beat yourself up over this.” she wasn’t even exaggerating, either— among all the shitty things men had done when in the process of getting to know her, this was nowhere near offensive. she felt foolish, but more than anything, she felt bad on his behalf, and not for herself. it hurt to hear the way he talked about himself with such hopelessness, somehow unable to see just what a great guy he was, having no idea how lucky someone would be to have him. what she really wanted was to offer to take care of his virginity right then and there, somehow even more attracted to him than she had been before, but that would do him no good. if he was truly needing a genuine romantic connection before he could engage in anything sexual, then there’s no way he’d be comfortable enough to enjoy himself given their current dynamic, and he deserved to enjoy his first time. he may have thought of himself as a lost cause, but she had a much more optimistic outlook. “aw, caelum! don’t say that! don’t ever say that, it’s never too late. you just haven’t found the right person yet, but that’s ok! it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. if anything, i’d say there’s something wrong with everyone you’ve dated who didn’t immediately throw themselves at you, because i know i would.” or maybe his standards were just too high to pursue anyone he’d dated more seriously, which would make perfect sense in her eyes. he had so much to offer, he deserved to be picky. “here, gimme your phone. unlock it first.” once again releasing him from her hold, she held a hand out for him to pass it over.

portia had no reason to assume that caelum would be a virgin, it was a possibility but why would that be the assumption she jumped to? she could've asked him, sure, but for what purpose? if he wasn't a virgin, would it have offended him to have her ask? it was normal for her to jump to that conclusion as the reality was stranger than anything she had assumed of him. he was embarrassed to finally be free from the safety of who she'd thought he was but more than anything, he was mortified to find that portia was trying to take some of the blame. "i could've said." caelum argued weakly, his voice full of pity not for himself, but for portia, her beautiful face heavy with an embarrassment of her own that she didn't need to carry. "i should've said." she was so confident, it had frightened him initially to be in the company of someone so sure of themselves and what they wanted but the more time they spent together, the more he found himself aching to be like her, shameless in who he was. wanting something and getting it were two different things though, and while he had been careful not to lie outright, he had been dancing around the truth in such a way as to avoid letting on to what he really was. he fought his instinctive desire to scurry away from portia's touch, not because he didn't want it but instead he found it too much, something he wasn't deserving of because of all the time he had spent deceiving her. still, after finding out that he'd been dishonest with her, she was so kind, kinder than he deserved and caelum shrunk further into himself, shoulders heavy and his chin tucked down near his chest. how did he explain that he'd tried, he'd been on the dates and tried to find someone who he really liked and every time he'd found himself feeling more alone. at a certain point he'd come to admit that maybe it wasn't for him, a life with another person, he wanted it more than anything but it gave him a little peace to try and let go of the hope for something that was never gonna happen. she sounded so surprised and he didn't know if that was a good thing or not, whether it was a comment on how surprisingly good of deceiver he'd become or if she really couldn't believe that no one had tried to sleep with him yet. either way, her continuous questions, while valid, were like salt in the wound and he shook his head pathetically, deflated and meek like a wet dog. "no, i've... i wanted to wait for someone who i really cared about but it- i've tried dating and it's never gone well and time kept passing and- and now i feel like it's too late."

[perpetual-fool]

Progress?

I've been feeling quite awful. I suppose it's like every time I get over one little hump, I am again faced with the insurmountable problems of life which led me there in the first place: making sense of the world, making a living, doing good, finding companionship and community. But I just don't get to have any of that. There's a few factors that feed into it. Like, I'm too clever to understand what anyone is trying to do, I have too much compassion to write people off as simply being 'bad' in some way. And you'd think my lack of empathy would be a big part of it, but that wouldn't be a problem if others' thinking wasn't already faulty. I can be reasoned with, I'm not malicious, I want to be a good person but I just could never figure out how to do that.

The core issue, or at least pointing at the core issue, seem to be inconsistency. Like, sometimes people seem to make sense/understand, and more usually they're wrong but sort of close, but usually they're way off the mark. And that seems paradoxical. Like, a system which is subject to causality shouldn't behave inconsistently.

I asked Cat about it. Ostensibly, she'd have some insight on that due to being a programmer, but I really was just desperate for help. And her answer to that, more or less, was that it has to be due to messy input. Aside from just programming the program to randomly be random to random degrees at random times, it has to be getting inconsistent input. And I haven't been inconsistent in how I've expressed things (and I know people are just not hearing me correctly), so others' interpretation is where the inconsistency has to come in. More directly, her answer to what's going on with people is motivated reasoning. That is, you tend to find excuses to believe the things you want to believe. Say, if you feel wronged in some way and want to hurt someone, you're likely to come up with a reason to justify why hurting them is good. 'They deserve it' or 'they're learning a lesson' maybe. But that would also apply to theory of mind, how you think other people are thinking. For instance, maybe, you don't want to think that you're asking too much of someone, so instead you decide that they're just being lazy. And that could lead to issues like, someone is being 'helpful', but the other person doesn't appreciate their failure to help, so they then punish the person for being 'rude'.

So, people are twisting reality to fit their stories. Or with the computer analogy, you'd get that behavior by having an AI 'autocorrect' its input to match the patterns it already has. I think.

But I'm a human too, I should be pretty much the same. How can I be so vastly different? I think the answer is that I don't have any patterns to 'correct' to, mostly. My patterns are more broad, more connected. So nothing has made enough sense to form patterns.

I lost track of the train of thought I had when considering this, so I'm not sure how I got here. But I was considering, when I was talking to Catherine, and as has happened when I've been feeling very bad, I was less reserved about my phrasing. Like, in the past she's done something I feel is fair to call gaslighting, and I referred to it as such. Usually, I'm not allowed to say anyone did the bad thing, not in those words. If I dare show any displeasure in response to something others do then people get upset, and I get punished. I guess I don't realize how tightly wound I am all the time, constantly living in fear, constantly walking on eggshells. And I was in a lot of pain, agonizing over the inability to connect. But then the pain gave way to.. something else. hate? spite? I should be feeling how I feel, I should be angry, I should be upset, I should want things, and I shouldn't have to feel how other people demand I feel. I shouldn't have to be happy with other people's shit. I was getting that floating sensation again, for awhile. Now I'm mostly just sad and tired. I don't know what's going on. I'm getting real close to seriously considering killing myself again. But maybe I'm doing better?

But I guess I should try being 'rude', 'selfish'. in spirit at least.

[bkgml]

more exes to lovers bc i LOVE!! but this time angsty-er 😈 into fluff tho bc i just can’t resist!

“hey…” bakugou spoke into the phone, trying not to get choked up.

“bakugou..? what is it? whats wrong?” you said cautiously.

he sighed upset and a little thankful at the fact you could read him so clearly.

“i’m at the hospital, something went wrong when i was fighting the villains. i-“ he couldn’t take this; feeling so weak and helpless.

“they said i wasn’t allowed to drive home and i don’t want my shitty friends seeing me all fuckin weak.”

“i’m on my way. just relax okay? you’re strong katsuki we both know it” you say as you put on your shoes and grab your keys.

katsuki sighs a thankful sigh into the phone

“…will you stay on the shitty phone with me?”

you laugh, though you’re not mocking him, he knows you aren’t.

“i’ll stay on the phone, promise. ten minutes away, okay?

katsuki sighs again, feeling awful that you had to get out of bed in the middle of the night for someone you thought you were done with months ago.

“hey… just want you to know i don’t regret… us. only regret is the way we ended.”

you pause, worried you shouldn’t give into him.

“i know.” you say.

he sighs again. why are you making him sound so venerable dammit!

“do you..? you know, regret it- us?”

this is happening too fast, you can’t just forgive him this quickly. it’s been 4 months. you were moving on (you weren’t but you’re trying).

“i’m almost here.”

bakugou knows asked one too many questions too fast.

“okay…”

“i just pulled in where are you?”

bakugou gets into the car. he’s bruised and beaten. there’s a cast on his arm and he’s covered in soot. the cut on his lip you saw him with on the news last week has split open and he has a black eye.

“i’m here.”

you inhale shakily, reaching out and brushing some ash off his forehead.

“what happened to you?” bakugou has only heard your voice this small and timid once: the day he broke up with you.

“told you, stupid villains.”

you clear your throat. brushing away any feelings attempting to bubble up to the surface.

“fine. let’s get you home then.”

“fine.” you scoff and bakugou immediately regrets his tone. this is why you broke up with him, he thinks. this attitude he has. the silence is loud the rest of the ride home.

“this is it, right?” you say, still a little peeved at his tone from before.

“yeah.”

the two of you get out of the car.

bakugou knows he shouldn’t say what he’s about to say. this is why you left. his brain just wants him mouth to listen to him for once.

“well goodnig-“ “-do you want to come in?”

you stop stunned.

“bakugou-“

“listen i’m not doing what you think, i’m not trying to get sex out of this i swear.”

you pause, still processing.

“that’s not what i’m worried about.” you state.

bakugou waits confused.

“then what?”

“i’m worried that i’m going to go in there and you’ll have a shower and come out smelling all nice and you’ll put on those sweatpants i like with no shirt. then you’ll ask to hold me ‘just for tonight’. and you’ll kiss my hair and rub my back, and i’ll be head over heels for you all over again.” you breathe out.

“i don’t deserve this, katsuki. you’re just going to mess it up all over again and i cant go through this cycle a million times before we realize that we just don’t work right now. it’s not the right time for us. no matter how much we want it to be.”

you’re both tearing up at this point. he had no idea you could read him this well.

“i’m sorry, baby.”

“please don’t call me that.” you choke on your words. you knew you shouldn’t have come over here.

bakugou wipes his face, trying to compose himself, to not let the tears fall.

“i want to make this work. i don’t want to tiptoe around you and pretend i’m not the mean guy who hurt you. i want to be able to call you stupid fucking nicknames again without care and i want to make you laugh again.”

wow. he’s really not making this easy for you. you sigh before speaking.

“how about… you try again in a couple weeks. maybe i’ll let you call me a ‘stupid fucking nickname’ again.” you say in your best bakugou impression.

“a couple weeks, huh?”

“mhm. too long of a wait for you?” you tease, starting to fall back into your old ways.

“it’s never too long for you…. dumbass.” he tests the waters with a nickname he gave you before you started dating. one that makes his words seem a little less vulnerable from his perspective.

you laugh. a real fuckin laugh that he hasn’t gotten to hear in forever.

“alright… ‘dumbass’.” you say, still laughing.

“a couple weeks?” he asks.

“yes, a couple weeks.”

“okay…” he doesn’t want to leave your side but he won’t push you just yet.

“night.” he turns on his heel and gets his keys.

“g’night… ‘dumbass’.” you say, sending yourself into another fit of giggles and getting in your car.

as you drive off katsuki is grinning to himself.

the night turned out all right after all.

EEEEK you guys!! my first angsty post! and i made this little divider thingy with dynamy! i think it’s so cute personally i hope you like. :)

[rose-lord-of-simps]

Ah ha ha- Cove Holden catching feelings for MC first and watching MC go on so many aweful dates before he finally says something.

And you’re gorgeous, everyone knows this. So getting asked out or flirting isn’t unusual and Cove genuinely wants you to be happy. But it hurts so much to see you come home mad or crying or worse, bored out of your mind because the people asking you on these dates are the worst.

What hurts even more though is knowing he could of treated you so much better. He knows it’s a toxic thought but it isn’t his fault that he already knows all your favorites, everything you want to do with your life and the best birthday gift ideas. It hurts knowing that you’re looking for something so genuine and romantic in everyone but him.

Cove who wants nothing more than to finally hold your hand casually.

To have no hesitance in kissing you good night every day.

Who can finally look at you and tell you how much he adores you.

But he can’t do that because you don’t feel that way about him.

Until one night, a date had just ended and they were the worst.

They only talked about themself, everything was boring to them, and god forbid you laugh at anything because apparently “laughing is for people who are snarky.”

So instead of your room, you went to Cove’s.

Sneaking into his window and saying hello to his fish on the way in.

Cove may be asleep but that is not escaping him from the cuddle puddle he is about to get.

Slipping into his bed and waking him up gently, seeing a confused Cove who looks at you with sleepy eyes, not registering you’re still in your date clothes, an outfit he helped pick out. (He just sat there and said you looked nice in everything.)

“What are you doing here?”

“My date was an asshole. Can I stay here tonight?”

Instantly he is alert, you’re upset and he needs to make you feel better.

“Of course, do you want to talk about it?”

He pulls you into a hug himself, holding you tight as he feels you let out a frustrated sigh.

You debated his offer and let yourself melt into his familiar arms. Cove was great. He was always there and never complained at listening to you talk about these awful dates. But tonight it wasn’t this specific date that weighed so heavy on your shoulders. It was all of them.

“Why can’t I find love? Am I just not meant for it?”

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re meant for love, if it’s something you want. What could ever make you think that you aren’t meant to be loved?”

Pulling away to look up at him and his big eyes, that always made you feel at home, it took everything in Cove not to blush at the close proximity between the two of you.

“Because I keep going on these dates with the worst people. Maybe I’m just not meant for a good person.”

“Then being unworthy of you isn’t your fault. You’re amazing and deserve someone who cares and adores you.”

“Like you?”

Oh now if that didn’t hit Cove in the heart, what could?

“Well not necessarily-“

All of a sudden you noticed how handsome Cove is. How his eyebrows are so unique, how his eyes hold so much meaning, how his cheeks still have a slight bit of baby fat on them.

You were sad, vulnerable, and in the arms of someone who made you feel like everything in the world is okay.

Kissing him sounded like a wonderful idea.

But when Cove noticed you leaning in, he froze.

This was all he wanted.

To kiss you and call you his and show you that you are so much more loved than you know.

But not like this.

Not when you’re this vulnerable and heart broken.

It hurt more than breaking his arm to pull away from you.

“Oh.”

“Look-“

“Sorry i shouldn’t have-“

“Yes you should have just-“

“I want to kiss you!”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because if we are going to kiss I want it to be because you like me and want to kiss me. Not because you’re sad and need someone to kiss. I like you so much, and I want to be here for your comfort. But you’re visibly not in a good head space and I don’t want to complicate it more.”

You made a mental note to kiss him in the morning.

[lovelybunn]

𝐤𝐨𝐳𝐮𝐦𝐞 𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐦𝐚 𝐚𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝.

word count: 2.2k

warning(?): hurt/comfort, swearing, suggestive(?)

author's note: i put a lot of effort into this post, (almost too much effort) so i hope you enjoy it!

what are his love languages?

𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐆𝐈𝐅𝐓𝐒.

if we’re talking about timeskip kenma, then it’s already established that he has money. and, of course, he loves spending said money on you.

one day you and your lovely boyfriend were strolling the streets of the city, and you spotted an article of clothing presented onto a mannequin that you thought was just your style. you looked up at the store’s name and frowned, instant realization hitting you like a bus. “i could never afford to dress like that.” kenma noticed the upset look on your face and took your hand in his, pulling you over to the nice looking restaraunt a few blocks down from the store you were ever-so glooming at. “aw babe, don’t worry about that, you dress fine now. let’s get some food, m’kay? i heard this place serves the best apple pie!” you shrugged, allowing him to take you wherever he wanted to go.

a month has passed, and you’re still thinking about that mannequin. you wonder if you could just buy some stuff from the nearest thrift shop and recreate the look yourself. yet, you doubt it would look half as good as the original designers’. from a distance, you hear kenma groan while stretching out his limbs. you turn around to see kenma’s hands hidden behind his back. a small grin tickles at his cheeks.

you pursed your lips. “what are you doing?” you look up and down at kenma as he slowly approaches you. he doesn’t respond until he’s standing right in front of you, then he finally reveals whatever was behind his back. a bag. it took you a second to recgonize the brand’s name, but as soon as you do, your face lights up with excitement.

“is that– is that what i think it is?” kenma shrugs, placing the bag at your feet. “you tell me.” unable to contain yourself, you rumagge through the bag, taking out everything inside. a candle with your favorite scent. some carmel chocolates. a gorgeous piece of shiny jewlery. then you finally saw it. “kenma?! you got this for me? i can’t believe it! i love it, you really shouldn’t have!” his smile grows even bigger, his under-eyes crinkle. “but i did, because i knew how happy it would make you.”

ㅤ

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.

kenma’s constantly telling you that he loves you and showing you that he loves you. he consistently feels the need to be your hype man.

you curl up into a fetus position and take in a deep, shaky breath. your face has been stained with fresh, wet tears. it almost feels like you’ve been crying for an eternity, but your heart still felt heavy. “i don’t understand. what did i do to deserve this?” you rock yourself back and forth, sobbing silently. a light knock on your door alerts you, causing you to sit up and quickly wipe your eyes to cover up any evidence of your meltdown. “come in.” you mutter, not caring in the slightest if the other person could even hear you anyway.

apparently, they could, because soon the door was creaking open hesitantly. the person reveals to be your boyfriend, kozume kenma. he awkwardly gives you a small wave through the crack in the door as he slowly steps inside. “hey, (name). i heard someone crying. you okay?” you force a fake smile. “yeah, i’m fine! just kinda tired, is all.” kenma stares at you with a 'that’s utter bullshit' look in his eyes. he raises his eyebrow. “you’re lying. your eyes are literally red, babe.” you blush and look downward at your bedsheets. a giant lump in your throat made you feel like you were being choked from the inside. “ok… you caught me. i’m not okay. i feel like shit.”

kenma’s face flashes to worry and he swiftly goes to your side. he holds you close, rubbing gentle circles around your back. “i’m like the attracter of bad luck. no matter how hard i try, the universe is constantly shoving me back down to my lowest.” you sob into his chest. he kisses your forehead. “you’re not 'the attracter of bad luck', baby. you’re the best person i’ve ever met. you’re so persistent, it doesn’t matter what life throws at you, you always manage to push through. and i’ve never seen anyone put so much effort into the things they’re passionate about.”

you glance up at kenma, your lips quivering, “not even any of your volleyball friends?” kenma blinks once before shaking his head quickly, as if to dismiss the question. “this isn’t about them, (name), this is about you! don’t change the subject!” you giggle out a “sorry” before he continues. “you are so strong and beautiful, (name), don’t let this silly little low upset you. i know you can fight through, i believe you can.” he gives you a tiny butterfly kiss before adding, “i love you so much, (name). your my world. so, for me, try and love yourself more.”

little quirks he has / does.

𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐓.

when kenma wants something from you, he will quite literally stare at you for a hot moment till you turn to look back at him to ask “what?”

he tucks his hair behind his ear, his eyes averting away from you. “nothing. i just wanted ask if you wanted to go to the store with me.” kenma returns his intense gaze back to you. he shoves his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, “but you seem to be busy.” you raise your eyebrow, baffled at your boyfriend. “wha- kenma, i’m not busy, just give me a sec and i’ll be ready in a bit.”

he whipped around on his heels, finger-combing his hair up into a messy bun. “i’ll see you in the car, (name).” kenma slightly tilts his head around to face you again with a shit-eating grin on his face. “don’t be too long.” kenma looks back toward where he’s walking, grabbing his keys. he twirls the keys around his finger as you call, “with your hair looking like that?” he chuckles and shrugs, casually walking out the door without a care in the world.

ㅤ

𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆.

it's never intentional, but when you touch and/or massage him in certain places, he purrs like cat.

the two of you are curled up around each other on the couch on a rainy night. kenma yawns, adjusting himself in your lap. his head rests onto your chest. you smile down at your sleepy boyfriend then proceed to gently knead at his scalp. he hums, leaning into the touch. you snicker. “babe, did you just purr?”

your finger movement stops, which irritates him a little. in response, kenma grabs at your hand and places it back at the spot you were scratching. “yes, don’t question it.” he looks up at you with mild annoyance, his nose scrunched up tightly. “don’t stop unless i ask you to.” you shake your head and smile in understanding.

ㅤ

𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐊 𝐊𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐁𝐄𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐃.

when he's really tired, he'll sneak behind you and wrap his arms lazily around your waist and give little pecks on your neck, “let's go to sleep, babe. i'm exhausted...” “kenma, it's only three in the afternoon, we are not going to sleep right now.”

he trails small smooches from the end of your shoulder to the tip of your ear. when kenma makes it there, right up against your ear, he whispers, “what’s wrong with wanting to take a little cuddly nap with my pretty baby, hm?” you roll your eyes, gently pulling his arms off you. “if you're going to try and seduce me into going to bed with you, it’s not gonna work.” you try and get away, but he just pulls you in closer to him.

“come ooon, babe. just a short half-hour nap. anything you need to do now isn’t just gonna grow legs and run away when you’re not looking. take a break every once and a while (name). it’s good for you.” kenma’s thumbs knead at your tense hips. you slowly melt into his touch, finally giving in. “fine…” you whine, “but thirty minutes better not turn into three hours.” kenma kisses your neck once last time before dragging the two of you off to the bedroom, a pleased look plastered on his face.

things he likes to do with you.

𝐃𝐘𝐄 / 𝐁𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑.

do not trust kozume kenma with your hair, he will experiment with it until all of it falls straight out of your scalp. for real though, he loves doing shit to your hair, it’s so fun for him.

the two of you giggle as kenma adds the finale touches to the tips of your hair. you guys had made a deal that if kenma had dyed his hair pink, he could do whatever he wanted with yours. the dude was suprisingly great at styling hair, he even did akane’s mass of curls at some point. “she was so tender headed, it almost made me want to pull her hair straight out of her head then act like it was an accident.” he says while carefully parting your hair. “kenma, i really like this shade! how’d you pick it out?” he smiles and fluffs out your hair, allowing you to admire his work. “i just thought it complimented your eyes.”

ㅤ

𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘 𝐕𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐎 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒.

as a pro-gamer, playing on pc is exclusive (with the exceptions of the nintendo switch and ps5). he always asks you if you wanna play a new game with him that he had bought recently and tries to help teach you how to play.

“kenma, kenma! it’s literally right behind you, how can’t you see that?! run!!!” you shriek at the monitor, piercing your boyfriend’s poor ears. “oh my fucking god, (name), of course i can see it! i have to go over here to progress the damn game!!” kenma leaned in; you could feel his hot breath against your neck. you held your breath as kenma grabbed the object and quickly placed it in his inventory. the monster was just out of his vision. kenma noticed your tenseness and gave you a soft kiss on your neck. while he wasn’t looking the monster dashed toward his character and jumpscared him. it was cheap, so it didn’t scare either of you. you turned around in kenma’s lap to face him with a disappointed look on your face. he returned the expression. the glares melted into warm grins, soon into cackles of pure joy.

(this is ya’ll btw)

ㅤ

𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇 𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐄.

kenma’s taste in anime is impeccable, and he loves snuggling up with you to watch said shows.

you curl up into the sheets and arms of your boyfriend, soaking up all his warmth as the opening of his favorite anime fades out to start the episode. “i can’t wait to see how they animated this, the battle scene was so cool in the manga alone.” he snickers above your head; you glance up at him with your pointer against your pursed lips. “shh, don’t spoil! i’m sure it’ll be just as great as the rest of the earlier episodes.” he sighs, “okay..” he leans downward and kisses your bare forehead, turning up the volume. after a few pointless but funny scenes with the main characters, the battle that kenma was waiting for months for finally comes in view. he leans toward the tv, almost crushing you in the process to closer see the flawless smooth animation. you chuckle at your boyfriend’s infatuation, “you seem to be enjoying yourself, babe.” his eyes widen at you before he leans back, letting you sit back comfortably. “we need to stay up all night to finish this. this is incredible.”

ㅤ

𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐂.

kenma has a spotify premium account that you two share, but he mostly uses it because he can’t function without music in his ears. he also has impeccable music taste, and he will recommend you songs and come up to you to be like “this song reminded me of you.” all the time.

you and kenma are sitting on a bench, holding hands with a earphone in opposite ears. kenma shyly glances over to you as the current song fades out, “hey, i wanted to show you something.” you tilt your head as he looks up something in his phone. when he finally finishes whatever he was doing, he hands you his phone. you take a quick peek at it then stare at kenma. “what is it, babe?” he subtly jerks his chin to point at his phone, nonverbally asking for you to take it without further question. his cheeks seemed to burn a bright red while you slowly take the phone out of his hand. you look down at the screen. it was a playlist titled ‘for the apple of my eye.’ the corners of your lips curl into a deep smile, and you turn back to your boyfriend. he seems to be focused at his hands. you gently take his clammy palms in yours and make him look back up at you. you start the playlist, “kenma, this is so sweet. you're so good to me, babe.” he tucks a chunk of his hair behind his ear and licks his lips. “i’m glad you like it.” he stutters. “these are my favorite songs, and they always make me think of you, my favorite person.” his under-eyes crinkle as a huge grin grows onto his face. even in the little things, kenma is caring and loving of you, and you're so lucky to have him.