#i feel awful and like i shouldn’t and don’t deserve to be hurt and upset even though logically i should be able to

[sleepingnexttoagrave]

i can’t trust in much, but when i play a song on repeat - at least i know what’s coming.

[n0thingbutlov3]

need you now | 2 |

in which readers true feelings are revealed.

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader warnings/tags: angst again (whoops) miscommunication (it’s short dw) fluff, reader is hungover lol, spencer is handsomely disheveled (moans) mentions of blueberry muffins being readers favourite type of muffin (sorry for not being vague but also if you don’t like blueberry muffins??? why) some tears, some swearing, some kissing, suggestiveness at the end of you squint (WHOOPS *evil smirk*) no use of y/n!! wc: 2.1k a/n: call me slim shady because i am back!!! i procrastinated writing this because i was scared everyone was secretly judging my writing and actually hated it and a second part would be a stupid idea but THEN i realised that was a little bit silly so im here B) part one got over 1000 notes (INSANE) all the support has been so so lovely—every note, reblog, and comment means the world to me, thank you!! i hope this part is okayy, feedback is always appreciated :) i hope you enjoy it you choose to read!!! <3 p.s kissing scenes are so difficult to write, i think i done absolutely awful!!!so let’s ignore that…. if you haven’t already and you’d like to, you can read part one here!

Your eyelids twitched as the early morning sun filtered through your bedroom. What was usually a calming wake-up call now felt like being blinded.

You burrowed your face into your pillow, squeezing your eyes shut in an attempt to dull the throbbing in your head. This is why you didn’t drink often.

Asides from the obvious headache and nausea, you always seemed to wake up with a sense of dread; ‘hangxiety’—a friend had called it once. It was creeping up on you now, and even though you weren’t sure exactly what you had done, you knew it was bad. You flipped onto your back, fixing your gaze to the ceiling as if it could tell you what irreparable mistakes you had made last night.

It couldn’t, of course. The only thing you had realised is that you should probably coat it in a new layer of paint soon.

“How’re you feeling?”

You shot up, eyes widening at the sight of a man in your doorway. A man whose sleepy voice and disheveled hair threatened to make you melt, but a man who should not be in your doorway, nonetheless; Spencer.

Your brain was quick to supply you with information then, your memory coming back in hazy remnants. You were upset so you…called Spencer for the first time in months. Yikes. He didn’t answer so you turned to a bottle of high end whiskey instead—yikes, again—and passed out on your couch, only to wake up to your ex-boyfriend in your apartment. Cue more sobbing, a pathetic attempt at asking—no, more like begging—him to get back together with you, and that was it. Well, mostly. There was also the promise of discussing your breakdown in the morning. The morning, which was now.

What the fuck.

“Like I’ve been napalmed.” You weren’t sure you were just referring to your raging hangover.

That prompted a raspy kind of chuckle from him and Jesus Christ—you really shouldn’t have called, because it was going to be infinitely harder to watch him leave when he inevitably told you you were sad loser who needed to get a grip and move on—except, he’d be a lot nicer than that, wouldn’t he? Because even if things were over between you, he was still the sweetest person you had ever met and he’d never say anything to intentionally hurt you. Maybe things would be easier if he did. If he wasn’t so sickeningly perfect—if he just insulted you in the way you were certain you deserved, then maybe you’d get over him quicker.

“So, I-ah-uber’d breakfast—“

Your inner turmoil came to a screeching halt at those words.

“You uber’d? You?”

He scoffed, a light blush dusting his cheeks.

“The team’s been very into it lately and I always finish my paperwork first so it only makes sense that I—stop laughing! I can uber!”

“Sorry! I just can’t imagine the great Doctor Reid stooping to the levels of a fast food delivery app. Do you ever order to the wrong place?”

“No.” he said, unconvincingly. “Well, only once—“

You were laughing again.

He whined, turning on his heel.

“Just take your aspirin and hurry up!” He grumbled petulantly as he left the room, but you could hear the smile in his voice.

After a quick freshen up and taking the pills placed on your bedside table—as per his request—you padded through to the living room, joining Spencer on the couch.

You gasped delightedly as he pulled out muffins from a brown paper bag. To be more specific, blueberry muffins; your favourite.

“Did you know that blueberries are good for fighting hangovers? They’re rich in vitamin C, which helps break down and metabolise blood alcohol. Muffins too, they—what? Do I have something on my face—“

“No! No, sorry,” You had been caught staring—ogling, more like. “I just missed…that.”

“What? My incessant rambling?” He was joking, but you could hear the insecure twinge in his voice—the one that told him he was too much. Over the course of your relationship, you had showed him that he didn’t have to think like that around you—that he was never too much; he was perfect in your eyes. You hated that he doubted that now.

“Yes, actually.” You tried to keep your tone light, unserious. But there was nothing unserious about just how badly you had missed the man sitting beside you. How you could hear his voice in your mind when you drove late at night, giving you statistics on accidents. Or how on other late nights, you swore you could feel his hands ghosting over your skin—only to find out it was your imagination.

If he could see how truthful you were being, he didn’t acknowledge it, turning his attention back to the coffee table.

“I’ll, um, save you the facts on how beneficial coffee is for hangovers, anyway.” He smiled awkwardly, shuffling a paper coffee cup to where your muffin sat.

“Thank you,” you mumbled, “for the coffee, not the withholding of information—i’m a real fiend for coffee facts…especially when they’re related to curing hangovers!” You said a little too cheerily, trying to alleviate the awkward tension. Although, that only seemed to make it worse.

Spencer just huffed out a little laugh in response, taking the wrapper off of his muffin.

The rest of breakfast went by in silence. Not the comfortable silence you always seemed to have with Spencer—when you were together, you reminded yourself—but a strained one. The kind of silence that occurs when there’s something left unsaid, and you’re just waiting for someone to spit it out.

Spencer broke first.

“So we should probably talk…about last night.”

You finished the remainder of your coffee, setting the empty cup down before turning your whole body to Spencer, tucking your legs up underneath you.

“Right, yeah…”

A beat passed, Spencer’s eyes darting around your face—assessing you.

For someone who had imagined this conversation in your mind countless times, you certainly weren’t saying much.

“I—uh…was very drunk.”

Something in him shifted, like he was putting up imaginary walls.

“So you didn’t mean…any of it?” His brow furrowed, his nose twitching slightly.

“Well no, but I—“ You what? Meant every word you said and more? You couldn’t just say that. You had just got a small part of Spencer back and you didn’t want to ruin it by coming on too strong.

He waited for you to add something, anything, to show him that maybe, maybe there was a tiny part of you that still wanted him as badly as he wanted you. But you didn’t. You just sat there, playing with the fabric of your—his—t-shirt.

He couldn’t do it.

He was so tired of loving people only for them to leave like he had meant nothing to them. Was that all he was to you? Someone you could call when your inhibitions were lowered, looking for comfort? He would do anything to be back in your life again, but he couldn’t be a person of convenience; someone you only wanted when you were lonely.

He ran a hand through his hair, swallowing down the tightness in his throat.

“You were drunk and you got carried away, I get it. I think I better go though—“

“What? No, I—“ You bobbed your mouth like a fish, trying to find the words necessary to keep him here. There were too many of them and yet none at all. None except for three. Three words that you wished you had the courage to say months ago, or weeks ago, or last night. But you never claimed to be a courageous person, and you weren’t about to spill your heart out again only for it to end up in rejection.

Spencer stood, making his way to your bedroom to grab his shoes and coat. He didn’t care about his other clothes, he could buy more—he just needed out before he broke.

You sat dumbfounded on the couch, willing yourself to do something, say something. It was like you were frozen. And you stayed frozen. As Spencer shuffled around your bedroom, as he returned to the living room—completely avoiding your gaze—even as he searched for his keys. You hadn’t realised he had driven over here. He didn’t usually drive unless he had to get somewhere urgently. Were you someone worth seeing urgently to him?

He picked up his keys, heading for your door and only then did you realise how dire the situation was. If he left now you weren’t sure he would ever come back.

“No—wait, Spencer!” You stammered, lunging off the couch to try and stop him. He unlocked the door, moving to leave when you grabbed onto his jacket sleeve.

“Please don’t—I love you!”

“What?”

He turned to face you and you noticed just how wrecked he looked—not at all dissimilar from how you had for the last few months. Had he looked like that the whole time?

You must’ve been staring because when you came back to your senses he was calling your name exasperatedly.

“Do you mean it?”

You were fed up living like this; harbouring so much love for someone and not being able to express it. Even if he didn’t love you back, even if he was over you, you couldn’t go another moment without at least telling him how you felt.

“Yes,” you heaved, “I love you—I never stopped loving you, I was just…” You knitted your brows together, unsure how to phrase what you were feeling.

“I’ve never loved someone the way I love you and that’s…terrifying. I thought the way I felt was wrong, like—when you were on cases, I missed you so much, more than I thought humanely possible and—well, I never wanted to be the kind of girl to base her happiness on another person because that’s how you get hurt. So, I thought the only way to combat that was by…distancing myself. I thought if you weren’t in my life anymore then I’d be able to get a grip and become more independent—“ you huffed, trying to stop the wobble of your voice. “but it didn’t work, because then I was just missing you twice as much, except I couldn’t see you at all—“

“You could’ve answered my messages, we could’ve—“

“So you could return your key? Then things would actually be over. Why do you think I ignored your messages?”

“Why do you think I kept messaging? Angel, I was never going to return that key—at least not willingly—I just wanted to see you, to see if you were doing just as horribly without me as I was without you. You know, I couldn’t even focus on cases—Hotch even suggested I take some time off.”

You frowned, your voice impossibly small. “I’m sorry.”

He took a step toward you, cupping your cheeks in his hands.

“Don’t apologise, you were dealing with your emotions in the best way you knew how. I just wish…” he swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing. “I wish I hadn’t let you go so easily.”

His eyes were shining and—God, you wished you could take it all back. All the pain you had caused him, caused yourself, just because you were too scared to talk about your feelings.

“I wish I hadn’t left.” You blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill from your eyes. “Y’know, I read a book on astrophysics because it reminded me of you. I didn’t understand any of it but I couldn’t put it down. I still—“ you let out a watery chuckle. “still have it in my bedroom somewhere.”

Spencer smiled, swiping under your eye at a tear that must’ve escaped.

“Yeah? Maybe I can read it to you—help you understand it.”

“I’d like that.”

You didn't know much about celestial bodies or the ultimate fate of the universe, but you could've sworn you'd seen the stars pictured in that book in Spencer’s eyes when he looked at you.

“Say it again.” He mumbled, tilting his head down so that your faces were just inches apart.

“I love you.”

And then his lips were on yours, impossibly soft and everything you had been missing since you had broken up. He kissed you like you were the oxygen he needed and all you could do was sigh into him because you knew the feeling.

He leaned back all too soon, resting his forehead against yours.

“Well, I should probably go—“ He smirked, but you cut him off before he could continue his teasing.

“You’re not funny.”

He narrowed his eyes, sucking his teeth.

“I don’t know, I—“

You pressed a firm hand on his chest, bunching the cotton of his t-shirt into a fist.

“Stop. Stay—we can have a pyjama day and maybe for dinner, you can show me just how tech savvy you’ve become and uber us some food—“

He rolled his eyes, kicking the door shut before pressing his lips to yours with more force this time.

“Stop talking.”

[nathaslosthershit]

Unremarkable (LN4)

(Part 2 of the Blind Items series)

Summary: Blind Items returns again to ruin yet another happy couple's peace. This time, Lando Norris and his ‘unremarkable’ girlfriend.

“Lando, have you seen this?” his girlfriend asked, showing him the tweets. When they had soft launched, she got a small dose of what it would be like to be the WAG of Lando Norris. But even when they hadn’t known anything about her, some people still had been so mean. Now that they knew she had a ‘commoner’ job, they had started tearing her to shreds. ‘How could someone so rich and famous go for such a plain girl’ was what so many people had said. 

“Oscar showed it to me today. I am so sorry, honey, I was hoping that you wouldn’t have seen it. Those people are absolute asses, love.” He probably should have said something earlier but he knew how hard she would take it. While she had joked in the past about the differences in their jobs, especially the pay, he knew she felt insecure about it at times. 

“The thing is, I didn’t see it. Not at first. I only saw it when I heard one of my students talking about it in class today. Can you even imagine how humiliating that was for me? Hearing my own students who I have done nothing but be kind and understanding to, trying to get them to love learning, talk about how awful it is their favorite driver is dating someone as boring as a teacher.” She couldn’t stop the tears as she went on about the situation. He wouldn’t understand, he couldn’t. She knew Lando had his moments of insecurity but nothing like this. At the end of the day, he still had hundreds upon thousands of fans who loved him immensely. 

Even if he couldn’t fully understand, it still broke his heart seeing how much it hurt her. Sure, he hadn’t ever thought he would date a school teacher either, but that was mostly due to his previous lack of appreciation for school. But being with her has changed that. His girlfriend could always make things interesting. She loved to spout history facts on vacation and it always made him so deliriously happy to see how giddy she was to learn new things. 

Seeing her now though, so visibly upset made him realize this wasn’t something that could slide easily. His PR team might not love it but he wasn’t going to just sit there and let her feel terrible about herself.

“I’ll fix this, I promise.” He said quickly as he left. He shouldn’t have left her alone and crying, but he was fuming and decided he needed that anger to let his message out. 

landonorris

Liked by oscarpiastri and 153,137 others

landonorris I don’t know who this gossip page thinks they are but the last thing I will tolerate is someone hiding behind a screen telling the entire world that my girlfriend, who I love more than life itself, is ‘dull’ and ‘unremarkable’ because of her job. This is a woman who is smarter than 99% of the people I have ever interacted with, someone who spends so much of their time trying, and succeeding, to get kids to love learning. Even as someone who didn’t appreciate school as much as they should have, I would never have once thought school teachers were any of the negative things you have said. Luckily, here I am, happy with my amazing girlfriend who deserves the entire world, and I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to give it to her. 

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A few minutes later she came into the room, tears still staining her cheeks.

“Thank you Lando” she said as he motioned for her to sit on his lap. 

“I can say more if you want? I definitely think I could have cursed them out mor-” He was cut off with a kiss. The sheer force of it caused them to bump heads a little, which then caused them to break apart giggling. “I’m serious about what I said. I don’t know what I did to get someone as wonderful as you but I am not going to let some assholes on the internet make you upset over something so incredible. You should be proud of what you do and I will forever work to remind you of how amazing you are.”

“I love you, Lando” was all she replied.

“I love you more”

“Please can we not play this game you know I love-”

“Nope, la-la-la-la I can’t hear you over the sound of me loving you soooo much” He said as he covered his ears.

Such a dork, she thought.

[bkgml]

more exes to lovers bc i LOVE!! but this time angsty-er 😈 into fluff tho bc i just can’t resist!

“hey…” bakugou spoke into the phone, trying not to get choked up.

“bakugou..? what is it? whats wrong?” you said cautiously.

he sighed upset and a little thankful at the fact you could read him so clearly.

“i’m at the hospital, something went wrong when i was fighting the villains. i-“ he couldn’t take this; feeling so weak and helpless.

“they said i wasn’t allowed to drive home and i don’t want my shitty friends seeing me all fuckin weak.”

“i’m on my way. just relax okay? you’re strong katsuki we both know it” you say as you put on your shoes and grab your keys.

katsuki sighs a thankful sigh into the phone

“…will you stay on the shitty phone with me?”

you laugh, though you’re not mocking him, he knows you aren’t.

“i’ll stay on the phone, promise. ten minutes away, okay?

katsuki sighs again, feeling awful that you had to get out of bed in the middle of the night for someone you thought you were done with months ago.

“hey… just want you to know i don’t regret… us. only regret is the way we ended.”

you pause, worried you shouldn’t give into him.

“i know.” you say.

he sighs again. why are you making him sound so venerable dammit!

“do you..? you know, regret it- us?”

this is happening too fast, you can’t just forgive him this quickly. it’s been 4 months. you were moving on (you weren’t but you’re trying).

“i’m almost here.”

bakugou knows asked one too many questions too fast.

“okay…”

“i just pulled in where are you?”

bakugou gets into the car. he’s bruised and beaten. there’s a cast on his arm and he’s covered in soot. the cut on his lip you saw him with on the news last week has split open and he has a black eye.

“i’m here.”

you inhale shakily, reaching out and brushing some ash off his forehead.

“what happened to you?” bakugou has only heard your voice this small and timid once: the day he broke up with you.

“told you, stupid villains.”

you clear your throat. brushing away any feelings attempting to bubble up to the surface.

“fine. let’s get you home then.”

“fine.” you scoff and bakugou immediately regrets his tone. this is why you broke up with him, he thinks. this attitude he has. the silence is loud the rest of the ride home.

“this is it, right?” you say, still a little peeved at his tone from before.

“yeah.”

the two of you get out of the car.

bakugou knows he shouldn’t say what he’s about to say. this is why you left. his brain just wants him mouth to listen to him for once.

“well goodnig-“ “-do you want to come in?”

you stop stunned.

“bakugou-“

“listen i’m not doing what you think, i’m not trying to get sex out of this i swear.”

you pause, still processing.

“that’s not what i’m worried about.” you state.

bakugou waits confused.

“then what?”

“i’m worried that i’m going to go in there and you’ll have a shower and come out smelling all nice and you’ll put on those sweatpants i like with no shirt. then you’ll ask to hold me ‘just for tonight’. and you’ll kiss my hair and rub my back, and i’ll be head over heels for you all over again.” you breathe out.

“i don’t deserve this, katsuki. you’re just going to mess it up all over again and i cant go through this cycle a million times before we realize that we just don’t work right now. it’s not the right time for us. no matter how much we want it to be.”

you’re both tearing up at this point. he had no idea you could read him this well.

“i’m sorry, baby.”

“please don’t call me that.” you choke on your words. you knew you shouldn’t have come over here.

bakugou wipes his face, trying to compose himself, to not let the tears fall.

“i want to make this work. i don’t want to tiptoe around you and pretend i’m not the mean guy who hurt you. i want to be able to call you stupid fucking nicknames again without care and i want to make you laugh again.”

wow. he’s really not making this easy for you. you sigh before speaking.

“how about… you try again in a couple weeks. maybe i’ll let you call me a ‘stupid fucking nickname’ again.” you say in your best bakugou impression.

“a couple weeks, huh?”

“mhm. too long of a wait for you?” you tease, starting to fall back into your old ways.

“it’s never too long for you…. dumbass.” he tests the waters with a nickname he gave you before you started dating. one that makes his words seem a little less vulnerable from his perspective.

you laugh. a real fuckin laugh that he hasn’t gotten to hear in forever.

“alright… ‘dumbass’.” you say, still laughing.

“a couple weeks?” he asks.

“yes, a couple weeks.”

“okay…” he doesn’t want to leave your side but he won’t push you just yet.

“night.” he turns on his heel and gets his keys.

“g’night… ‘dumbass’.” you say, sending yourself into another fit of giggles and getting in your car.

as you drive off katsuki is grinning to himself.

the night turned out all right after all.

EEEEK you guys!! my first angsty post! and i made this little divider thingy with dynamy! i think it’s so cute personally i hope you like. :)

[halfmoondaze]

Jack request

Jack and reader get into a heated argument about something small. Jack can’t control his emotions which leads him to raise his voice and say things to reader and crosses the line with his hurtful words. He realizes how bad they were and quickly apologizes but reader kicks him out the house. He ends up at urban’s house upset and cries so much out of guilt. Days pass and he’s calling, texting reader in hopes to talk but she ignores him. He finally shows up at y/n house and tries to take accountability for what he said to reader.

Second Chances

Y/N and Jack had just gotten home and Y/N was usually quiet. 

“C’mon babe. I know something’s bothering you” Jack said as he entered the front door of their shared apartment.

“I said I’m fine” 

“You haven’t uttered a word since we left the restaurant” he said as he followed her behind.

“Jack just let it go” 

“No” he crossed him arms. 

“No?” 

“We’re going to talk about it, because if there’s something that bothered you, I need to know” 

“Fine. You wanna know what’s wrong? This, whatever we have going on is wrong” 

“You mean us?” he asked hurt. 

“Is there even an us? Because being your secret does not translate to a serious relationship” 

He sighed. “Babe you know it’s not that easy”

“Yeah but I don’t think it’s supposed to be this hard”. 

“I know baby” his voice softened as he wrapped his arms around her in a hug. “I just need more time” 

Y/N squirmed from his embrace and walked away. 

“Ugh! You always say that” Y/N stormed out of the living room into their shared bedroom. 

Jack followed behind. 

“Ok, what is it you want from me?” he said defensively. 

“Um I don’t know” she said sarcastically. “Maybe for you to claim me as your girlfriend instead of pretending you’re single to the rest of the world!” 

“And risk my career? Because that would make you happy, huh?” 

“What? No!”

“I can’t believe you’re even asking me this” 

“You know what?” he put his arms up dramatically. “I don’t need this. I can get any girl I want, so I don’t know why I settled for you!” 

“What?” she asked in a low voice taken back by his comment. 

His words cut deep. 

In that moment he realized what he had just said. 

“Y/N, I didn’t mean that” 

Y/N put her hands up. “I don’t wanna hear it, Jack. Just leave” 

“Y/N-”

“Now!” 

Feeling defeated, Jack took his things and left. 

Y/N couldn’t hold back her emotions and broke down crying as the sound of Jack’s footsteps faded.

After crying for what felt like an eternity, Y/N’s eyes were swollen and her body felt drained. With exhaustion settling in, she mustered the strength to drag herself to bed. 

She curled up in her side of the bed, her body shaking with sobs every now and then as she recalled their argument in her head. Eventually, her breathing slowed down and she succumbed to falling asleep. 

The next morning, Y/N woke up, to the other side of the bed empty. The only remain of Jack’s presence was in his scent that lingered in the sheets. 

To her relief, Urban had texted her last night. Jack had stayed the night at his place, indicating he was safe. 

The following days, Jack blew her phone nonstop with calls, voicemails, and messages; which went unanswered. 

Then one night, Jack who couldn’t bare the distance between them, decided to show up to her doorstep.

Y/N opened the door and was taken back by the sight in front of her. 

“Jack” 

“I know you hate my guts right now. Rightfully so. I shouldn’t have said those awful things. I didn’t mean that.  The moment those words left my mouth, I know I fucked up. There’s no one else I rather be with than with you. You didn’t deserve any of that. And even thought I failed to show you otherwise that night, I love you and I miss waking up next to you. I’m so sorry”

Her initial anger softened by Jack’s sincere words. 

“I appreciate your apology. But you really hurt me Jack” 

“I know” he paused. “And I hate myself for being the reason for your tears. You mean the world to me and if you give me another chance, I promise I would make sure you never feel that way again because of me” 

Y/N silently nods. 

“C’mere” she says. 

Jack wasted no time and embraced her while repeatedly kissing the top of her head. 

“I love you”

Y/N looked up at him and smiled. 

“I love you too” 

[limon-rat]

Fifteen-minute heartbreaker for the one and only @emthimofnight <3

(cw; sort of panic attacks? she's just very distraught)

~~~~~~

Waking up was weird.

Vaguely, Stellar knew she wasn’t asleep anymore. She heard breathing and maybe- maybe footsteps? Something like that.

But she didn’t want to wake up. Waking up meant she felt awful again but why- why did she feel awful? Why did her body hurt- She didn’t really remember. That was a bad sign, huh? Maybe she should wake up, Papa said she shouldn’t sleep if she hit her head, that it was a bad idea. If she couldn’t remember then she probably had a concussion or something.

Yeah, she should wake up.

The ceiling was the first thing she saw. Then her ears flicked of their own accord, listening to the breathing again. It was right next to her, deep but definitely awake.

Mustering up as much strength as she could, Stellar tilted her head to the right, finding… her papa.

Papa was right next to her, sitting in one of the kitchen chairs. Did he drag one all the way to her room- No, no he didn’t. This was the living room and she was on the couch. How did she get here again?

“Papa..?” Her voice broke, weak and scratchy. Her throat hurt- Why’d it hurt again?

Papa shot up straight in his chair, his ears flicking toward her. His eyes found hers, taking a moment to search for them. He was anxious- She didn’t like that. He was protective but anxious wasn’t something she saw on him a lot- It was strange.

“Stellar! You’re awake-” Papa cut himself off, like he might start crying if he kept talking. It wasn’t right, seeing him so choked up- He didn’t do choked up.

“What-” She tried to voice her concern but she tried to sit up too and her vision flashed white-

Loud- Pain- Running- Why was she running? No, she was floating- Why would- Dad, he’s scared- Papa, Dad, they’re hurt- Camillia- Why is everyone hurt- How could she hurt them-

“Stellar?” Her papa’s hand on her shoulder snapped her back into her body.

Oh no.

Oh chaos she hurt them, how could she-

“I-I’m so sorry-” Stellar’s throat tried to collapse in on itself. Tears started pouring down her face in an instant, soaking uncomfortably into her quills- How could she hurt her family-

“Shh you’re okay. It’s alright.” Papa picked her up gently, her body flinching in protest as she fell into his chest- She doesn’t deserve this-

“I-I di-didn’t mean to-” She sobbed into his fur, her voice breaking painfully. Her chest burned, her body felt wrong and she couldn’t move- she couldn’t do anything but cry into her papa’s chest, her lungs heaving violently as she tried so desperately to breathe-

“I know sweetie.” Papa whispered gently, running his hand through her quills. She kept crying, practically wailing into him, barely muffled by his fur. She tried to hold him, to show she was sorry but she couldn’t move and everything burned.

She could’ve cried into him for years, apologizing over and over and over again as he just whispered sweet nothings to her, assuring her that it wasn’t her fault, that it’s okay now but it wasn’t it wasn’t okay she hurt him-

“‘M so so-orry.” She murmured again, her lungs finally grabbing onto a semblance of breathing.

“Don’t be, sweetheart. It’s alright now. We’re alright.” He repeated himself, now rocking them both slightly.

“I didn’t mean it-”

“Hey.” Papa cut her off this time, guiding her face to look at his. He… wasn’t upset. No, he looked- scared, maybe? Or worried? She couldn’t really tell, everything was far too blurry through her tears.

“I’m sorry that any of this happened,” He started, “I’m sorry you were taken, I’m sorry that you lost control. None of this was your fault, alright?”

“But-”

“No buts,” He cut her off again, now giving her a much more stern look, “you did nothing wrong, alright?”

“…Okay.” She mumbled reluctantly, looking away. She wanted to protest but now that she wasn’t sobbing her eyes out, her body felt heavy again. Is sleep a good idea? She must’ve hit her head-

“Good. Now sleep, sweetie,” Guess it is a good idea, “I’ll be right here.”

“Promise?” Stellar murmured, already feeling her eyes close against her will.

“I promise.” Papa’s voice was the last thing she heard before the darkness took her again, gentle and soft, like a hug.

[rose-lord-of-simps]

Ah ha ha- Cove Holden catching feelings for MC first and watching MC go on so many aweful dates before he finally says something.

And you’re gorgeous, everyone knows this. So getting asked out or flirting isn’t unusual and Cove genuinely wants you to be happy. But it hurts so much to see you come home mad or crying or worse, bored out of your mind because the people asking you on these dates are the worst.

What hurts even more though is knowing he could of treated you so much better. He knows it’s a toxic thought but it isn’t his fault that he already knows all your favorites, everything you want to do with your life and the best birthday gift ideas. It hurts knowing that you’re looking for something so genuine and romantic in everyone but him.

Cove who wants nothing more than to finally hold your hand casually.

To have no hesitance in kissing you good night every day.

Who can finally look at you and tell you how much he adores you.

But he can’t do that because you don’t feel that way about him.

Until one night, a date had just ended and they were the worst.

They only talked about themself, everything was boring to them, and god forbid you laugh at anything because apparently “laughing is for people who are snarky.”

So instead of your room, you went to Cove’s.

Sneaking into his window and saying hello to his fish on the way in.

Cove may be asleep but that is not escaping him from the cuddle puddle he is about to get.

Slipping into his bed and waking him up gently, seeing a confused Cove who looks at you with sleepy eyes, not registering you’re still in your date clothes, an outfit he helped pick out. (He just sat there and said you looked nice in everything.)

“What are you doing here?”

“My date was an asshole. Can I stay here tonight?”

Instantly he is alert, you’re upset and he needs to make you feel better.

“Of course, do you want to talk about it?”

He pulls you into a hug himself, holding you tight as he feels you let out a frustrated sigh.

You debated his offer and let yourself melt into his familiar arms. Cove was great. He was always there and never complained at listening to you talk about these awful dates. But tonight it wasn’t this specific date that weighed so heavy on your shoulders. It was all of them.

“Why can’t I find love? Am I just not meant for it?”

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re meant for love, if it’s something you want. What could ever make you think that you aren’t meant to be loved?”

Pulling away to look up at him and his big eyes, that always made you feel at home, it took everything in Cove not to blush at the close proximity between the two of you.

“Because I keep going on these dates with the worst people. Maybe I’m just not meant for a good person.”

“Then being unworthy of you isn’t your fault. You’re amazing and deserve someone who cares and adores you.”

“Like you?”

Oh now if that didn’t hit Cove in the heart, what could?

“Well not necessarily-“

All of a sudden you noticed how handsome Cove is. How his eyebrows are so unique, how his eyes hold so much meaning, how his cheeks still have a slight bit of baby fat on them.

You were sad, vulnerable, and in the arms of someone who made you feel like everything in the world is okay.

Kissing him sounded like a wonderful idea.

But when Cove noticed you leaning in, he froze.

This was all he wanted.

To kiss you and call you his and show you that you are so much more loved than you know.

But not like this.

Not when you’re this vulnerable and heart broken.

It hurt more than breaking his arm to pull away from you.

“Oh.”

“Look-“

“Sorry i shouldn’t have-“

“Yes you should have just-“

“I want to kiss you!”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because if we are going to kiss I want it to be because you like me and want to kiss me. Not because you’re sad and need someone to kiss. I like you so much, and I want to be here for your comfort. But you’re visibly not in a good head space and I don’t want to complicate it more.”

You made a mental note to kiss him in the morning.

[jjtheresidentbaby]

Oh my goodness, I'm so happy that you got so many followers so fast! You certainly deserve it! I was wondering if I could please request a cg Clint Barton and little Kate Bishop drabble with the prompt “you don’t need to earn my affection, not now and not ever.” Thank you so much in advance if you decide to write it!!!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ not ever ⋆ﾟ⊹ ➢ event masterlist

|| Kate bishop & Clint Barton

a/n: awe thank you so much sweetness!! it’s been so nice to hear everyone’s nice feedback on my writing ♡

warnings: pet names, hurt/comfort, mentions of kate having a bad childhood, mention of a fight with bad guys/minor injuries

-

“I’m sorry.” Kates voice is small when she speaks, eyes ducked away from Clint, her hands fiddling in her lap nervously. The words confuse Barton, they’ve been peacefully watching a movie, there’s no reason for Kate to be apologizing.

“Why are you apologizing?” He tightens the arm he’s had draped over Kates shoulder since they sat down, the girl looks more upset after the action.

“C-Cause, I didn’t make the shot on- on the bad guy and-.” Clint shushes her quickly, hating how his littles face has become soaked in tears so quickly, the slice still deep on her lip making him feel worse.

“You don’t have to apologize honey, it was a hard fight and you did amazing. We got the bad guy, that’s what matters.” Kates hands bawl into fists as she wipes at her eyes, shaking her head with choked sniffles.

“I- I don’t deserve it.” Confusion rises in Clint, he carefully takes Kates hands away from her face and cups her cheeks, wiping the tears off her pale skin. Her eyes are blown big and doe like, glossy with tears but she takes in deep breaths in time with Clint, keeping the eye contact as though she’d get in trouble if she broke it.

“Don’t deserve what?” He can see how she fights to not hide away in herself, the horrid training her mother put her through to look “picture ready” at all times for events showing through as she bites her lip and keeps looking at Clint. Barton hates what that women has done to his baby, no matter how many times he’s assured her that she can act freely and there are no rules outside being safe, Kate never seems to forget what’s been plaguing her mind since childhood.

“You, being so nice to me. I didn’t- didn’t earn it, I shouldn’t be allowed to watch a movie and- and lay with you.”

His heart all but shatters hearing how Kates voice wobbles and trips over the words, so sure that she must earn her own comfort. Clint has to steel himself to not scoop the girl up and never let the world get to her, instead he speaks with as much reassurance as he can.

“you don’t need to earn my affection, not now and not ever.” A few stray tears slip down Kates cheek that Clint hastily wipes away, almost crying himself when she throws herself into his chest. Her fingers pull on the loose t-shirt Barton has on, tugging him in closer as her back shakes with small sobs.

“Shhh, Shh, I got you. I’m here now, I’ll always be here.” He speaks into Kates hair and lets his arms weigh heavy around her in a firm grip the way he knows she likes.

“I’ll always take care of you and you never have to earn that, okay?” Kate doesn’t give a verbal response but her quick nod and face nuzzling against Clint is enough for him.

[lovelyrose20]

Listen I know it’s a lot is happening and normally I don’t like making posts about giant dramas of the day because I’m gonna be real here. I don’t give a damn for the little shit and sometimes it’s just tiring But I think the biggest problem when it comes to the community is the fact that people tend to try to split things between each other or try to go to two opposite extremes even if it’s something small

Like oh Quackity is a horrible asshole who didn’t respond to Dream for a few week and totally know about the harassment including the awful threats against his family

I’m not an expert but unless I missed something and the threats were actively in the top search of QSMP or Quackity tags in the Spanish side of things talking about all those horrible things involving Dream’s family. I highly doubt that Quackity would’ve read all of them, and even if he did, it will probably just be saying bad things, not straight up, threatening and making assassination attempts over a minecraft server because I doubt he would be happy at the threats even if he didn’t say it publicly. I think there’s a better way he could’ve handle it rather than just ignoring it and hoping that if he just not feed the mob, they would calm down eventually since sometimes a Twitter mob would not calm down even if you give it time. But that doesn’t mean he deserve harassment over it or being called an awful friend or people badmouthing his server and the people in it because of stupid decision on his part.

Oh Dream secretly want people to be harassed and that’s the reason why he wrote a a 10 page Twitter post.

Whatever you feel about him now and even though that, I think there’s better ways to explain the situation, and airing out friendship beef is not a good idea on principle because that would just make the situation worse, explaining that you want your friend to tell his community not to harass people and talking about how you were threatened over the similarities of a Minecraft server that we don’t even know is copying shit, with the only thing being that they are multiple languages and because he got bad timing is not him being an asshole. The worst I will say is that he was being irresponsible and emotional ass, but I don’t think he was being evil or trying to induce a riot. Especially when it’s involved his family being in danger which would pissed anyone off

Tommy shouldn’t be making a joke about the situation and he’s being a bastard or Tommy have every right to make that joke and it’s a good sign that he hated Dream or something

Buddy, don’t you consider the fact that maybe Tommy made a joke because he thought it was funny and didn’t think it through. We’re talking about the kid who wants to make sure that his closest friends approve of some of the skits that he played. Like I remember when people are concerned Tubbo is super mad during the wedding video only for Tubbo to say yeah I wasn’t upset. It wouldn’t shock me if he ask Quackity and Dream about it. Plus, even if he did step out of line and he deserve to be someone called out for it. That don’t means that it’s a not for him to be dox and his family threatened. Some people try to say that since he hate Dream so much, he should’ve deleted his videos with him. Like he made one video making a joke that probably didn’t land well. You could be uncomfortable, You can call him out, hell you could stop watching him after. But threatening his mom to hurt her to supposedly get her to talk to her son is not gonna make things faster. In fact, that would make things worse because guess what no one likes being threat over a joke. We can say that he made a bad joke, and you shouldn’t have made it because for multiple reasons, but that’s not an excuse to threaten him. And if we go by the logic that this video means that he hates him what does that mean for people like Phil who he made joke about does that mean he hates them too? Especially since some of the people we make jokes are all his friends, so should we assume that he hates them?

But no, these people is evil because they made a bad joke or because they didn’t show attention to a situation and because they look at several things that they’re totally evil and such and they never care about their friends and they’re horrible idiot who do so much wrong, and should be grounds for harassing them

Doesn’t that sound familiar?

These creators are not gods or the devil. They’re people and We can criticize them about making posts that also give away friendship drama while I do acknowledge that maybe they have a right to be upset when they were literally being tracked in their goddamn car

We can acknowledge that that joke isn’t funny because hey, I know this seems pretty ridiculous to you and you want to make a small little jab about it, but we got harassed over it without deciding to turn around and do the same goddamn thing to that person

We can criticize people without deciding to make them hear from here like we can criticize people without telling their mom that you’re going to assault her unless she tell her son to cool it, and we can criticize them without making dramatic posts about how there’s totally evil now and how because they made one bad decision in a friendship or in a relationship. Suddenly, they are pure evil and now you’re going on a giant rant they’re actually an evil bastards who don’t deserve attention.

They deserve to be criticize and told what they did wrong, and how to improve without their families getting hurt in the process.

Edited it because my grammar was somewhat shit.

[melobin]

hey melo hope you’re ok😭 to be honest, I feel like im just gg to say smth but I am seunghan biased and yet to be honest I have my reasons for not sending asks about him. Just a personal take because I feel like u don’t deserved to get attacked for “not answering asks about him” when there is none. To be honest, I don’t because the more I talk abt him on whatever way, the more anxious I feel about his position in the group and then more painful his hiatus feels. Maybe im a bad person but if I avoid it enough maybe I can pretend he may not get snatched away from me at any given moment. I’m so attached to him idk how I can cope sending asks like everything is ok when it really isn’t. I miss him a lot and I feel like I grieve his absence in a way that people may not be happy about. I’ll miss him more if I talk about him. It feels awful that when I see his smile I get sadder and then I just miss him more. It’s not healthy for my mental health, I can’t be sad stabbing a group I love so much. I hate his erasure but his volatile position makes simple things like asks depressing for me. Melo i hope you know you are no way at fault <3 love you

i love you !! you’re not a bad person for feeling the way that you feel, attachments are scary and that can cause a lot of emotions and it’s more than okay for you feel that way. i do understand, seeing him brings this sort of bittersweet feeling with it. i think im a little more okay when it’s just purely in a smut context because i don’t really attach feelings to that but when it’s in a normal context and he’s just there smiling it’s quite, dampening on the heart? you shouldn’t feel bad for not sending asks about him or wanting to talk about him in such a way when it hurts you and no one can be upset at you for it.

the only person who truly understands how you feel is you, it’s okay to cope with things differently to others and you should never be mad to feel guilty over that 💗

[bakery-anon]

My loves!!! I’m so sorry I wasn’t the most active member of tumblr today </3 I unfortunately had to work 😔 tomorrow is more of me being here when I can escape (my breaks). I don’t know how active I’ll be Monday either bcs while I don’t have school I am having a sleepover but we shall see!!!

Anyways!

I hope you all had a lovely day. I want to remind everyone that sometimes it’s needed to be mean. Sometimes you need to be mean bcs being nice isn’t working anymore. I’m not endorsing being mean to ppl just because but if you have told people things over and over and they are crossing your boundaries continuously…be mean. And it doesn’t make you an awful person for having boundaries.

Please remember that your feelings are valid, even if you think they’re stupid. Or if you think that you shouldn’t feel like that bcs “it was a stupid reason.” If it hurt you it isn’t stupid. You’re allowed to be upset over things that you would find silly. You’re allowed to be upset at things. It’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to not be happy all the time. The most important thing is to remember to take care of yourself. Take breaks when needed. Drink water (this is your reminder), eat food even if you can only eat a small snack, ask for help if you need it. Please rest when you feel tired. It’s not safe to work yourself to exhaustion.

I know not everyone is afforded that luxury but take care of yourself to the best of your ability. A simple self-care thing can be listening to your favorite song and dancing to it. Or take a bath/shower, sometimes it helps make you feel less gross. Watch your favorite movie! Have fun, find joy in the little moments of life because that’s where I find most of my joy.

Point is: take care of yourself, find things that make you happy. Find people who make you feel loved. Find people to love.

Speaking of love. If no one has told you today, I love you <3 you are deserving of love. You deserve to be loved even if you don’t think you are. You deserve to be loved; platonically, romantically, unconditionally. You deserve love and care for simply being you. You deserve to be loved for the moments that make you hate yourself.

Sweet dreams everyone, sorry I kind of went on a small tangent there </3 I love all of you though. I hope you had a good day and if you didn’t that you have a better one tomorrow. Get some sleep, drink some water, eat food. And take a break if you need one. I love you all goodnight and sweet dreams <3

-love bug <3 🍪

[testicularmanslaughtrr]

I hope this is just a TikTok thing but the way people talk about Shane from Stardew Valley makes me kind of upset. Like

Tell me you have never met anyone with an addiction problem without telling me you’ve never met someone with an addiction.

It just feels so heartless. He’s clearly a character that’s not okay and it’s like “oh he’s awful he’s the worst you marry him and a week later he’s back at it.” And yes I know it’s a game but that just feels like

If you ever met someone who relapsed, you would not support them. You wouldn’t feel concerned. He’s a video game character I know it’s not that deep and yes in real life you shouldn’t let someone else’s self destruction bring you down too but I just hate this narrative that addicts are fucking evil. That people who drown their sorrows in substances don’t deserve help. If you’re okay talking this way about a video game character that doesn’t actually impact your life, then what would you say if you met a real depressive alcoholic?

Addiction is hard and scary and as someone who has technically had to go thru recovery; yeah it kind of hurts.

Anyways.

[another-whump-sideblog]

Jane’s Pets Chapter 68: Guilt

TWs in the tags

Previous

Masterlist

Next

You’ve killed people, you’ve killed people, you’re a murderer, there’s blood on your hands-

“Ethan, please, just take a deep breath.”

You can’t you can’t you can’t. Jane’s going to kill them. Jane’s going to make you kill them.

“You’re alright. You can freak out for as long as you need to, and we’ll still be here. Unless that’s making things worse. Are we making things worse?”

Your throat burns and your ears ring. Have you been screaming? You’re being stabbed in the head over and over again. And being beaten with a sledgehammer.

“Should we let him claw himself like that?”

You notice you’ve been scratching your arm, at your brand. There’s blood under your nails.

“I… don’t know. Maybe just put something he can scratch over top of it?”

You think it’s a bit condescending for them to talk about you like you’re not here. You find you’re scratching something softer than your skin. Your arm burns. No, no, you can’t go through that again, can’t be branded again, please! You’re sorry, you’re sorry!

You killed someone. You killed someone and you didn’t have to, you still had more fight in you, you were just tired and scared and wanted water. And then you just didn’t think about it, ever.

You didn’t deserve to be rescued. It should’ve been Puppy or Kitty. You know they fought their very hardest, always. They’re not weak like you.

And all those people Jane killed, when you played the escape game… That was completely avoidable. You may as well have been the one to kill them, even if it was with Jane’s hands.

You smell peppermint and blood. You focus on the peppermint. Did Diya make you tea? That’s nice. Ey wouldn’t do that if ey knew you were just as bad as Jane.

“I don’t care what you’ve done, you’re nowhere near as bad as Jane.”

Someone is squeezing your hand rhythmically. Puppy…

It’s not Puppy. She’s not here. You left her and Kitty so you could be free. You chose yourself over them. They’d never do that to you.

Everything hurts. You’re a coward and a murderer and you don’t deserve to be happy.

“Ethan…”

You’re so tired. You haven’t been sleeping well, lately. You slump back into the couch, panting and worn out. Too tired to cry, too tired to be eaten alive by guilt.

Diya speaks carefully, as if any word might make you freak out again. Maybe ey’s right. “We know she made you do horrible things, that’s how we met. It’s not your fault. You did what you had to.”

You didn’t have to. You could’ve fought harder.

“Ethan, I’ve done horrible things, and none of it was because I was under the threat of torture. All I can do now, all we can do now, is move forward and try to do better. And you’re already doing better, because you were only ever doing those things because Jane made you. You don’t need to tear yourself apart. You did the best you could. Maybe you don’t believe it, but I do.”

“That just means my best is weak.” Your voice sounds awful.

“Then we’re all weak, because I’m sure we all would do the same stuff you did. None of it was your fault.”

“I was stupid to go with her.”

“So? She shouldn’t be kidnapping and torturing people. She’s the one in the wrong. Obviously.”

You sigh. “You’re going to get killed because of me. Did I ever tell you about when she slaughtered an entire hospital to punish me? She’ll do the same to you.”

“We knew the risks when we decided to save you.” There’s no doubt in Barron’s voice. “This is worth it.”

Tears stream down your face. “She made me eat their bodies…”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Greg says softly, hesitantly. They said a phrase that upsets them to comfort you… “It wasn’t your fault, and it doesn’t change how we feel about you.”

You can’t think of a way to argue with that. Maybe when you’re less tired… Oh, but you do not want to go to sleep, no way.

“Why don’t we just watch a movie or something?” Diya suggests. “Late at night is a horrible time to debate whether or not you’re a good person. Let’s just get you some rest, even if you can’t get back to sleep.”

You nod. “That sounds good.”

You’re in too much pain to do anything else, anyway.

Diya picks a movie and Barron gently asks to see your arm, and cleans and bandages the scratches. You’re dead asleep before it finishes.

~~

“How’s my Puppy doing?”

Puppy doesn’t answer, of course.

“Do you want to go upstairs?”

Puppy nods, but barely. Every movement hurts.

“Alright.” Jane unlocks the cage she left Puppy in. “Things are going to be different, though. The shock collar will be set to shock you if you try to talk or hum or scream. And we’re only going to take the muzzle off for you to eat. Understand?”

Puppy nods. Jane grabs her hair and yanks her out of the cage. She fastens the collar around her neck.

“Kitty’s been missing you. Why don’t you go say hi?”

Puppy makes a show of trying to stand, despite knowing she won’t be able to. Then she crawls up the stairs.

Kitty isn’t waiting by the basement door, of course. Puppy knocks on the floor to get their attention.

Kitty cautiously enters the room to investigate the noise. Their eyes widen in horror when they see Puppy.

���Oh my god.”

Puppy must look pretty bad.

“This is my fault. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll never do something like that again. I’m so sorry.”

Puppy doesn’t blame Kitty at all, but she doesn’t have the energy to soothe their guilt right now. She stares at the ceiling.

“Did Jane say you could eat? Or sleep?”

Puppy shakes her head. Kitty tenses.

“…Alright. That’s alright. Well, it’s not. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

The moment of guilt is over. Neither of them have the time or energy for any more of that.

A/N: Let me know if I should tag anything else!

Tag list: @eatyourdamnpears @whump-in-the-closet @scp-1296 @fuzzybucketz

[rurpleplayssims]

“You’re thinking about your Mother, aren’t you?”

Noah bit his lip before replying in a sulky tone “No I’m not.”

Henry settled himself down on the bed next to Noah and wondered if he should drop the subject or not. He didn't want Noah to think that he couldn’t speak to him on painful topics. 

“Do you still need her approval?” 

“I never fucking had it in the first place, she never gave me that chance!” Noah spat, anger pouring off every word, but Henry knew it wasn’t directed at him.

“She sounds awful” Henry said gently. “And very stupid.”

“What do you mean?” Noah asked, frowing.

“Anybody who couldn’t see your worth is very stupid themselves” Henry told him. “Everyone in this town knows you and values your work and you as a person. You are loved. It sucks that she feels that way but that’s her problem, so it shouldn’t be yours.”

“It’s her loss” Noah said.

Henry nodded “Exactly.”

“I work so hard” Noah said, his tone sounding very upset. “I studied hard, got great grades and always did my best to please her. It was like she never even saw me and when she did, it was to scold me for something minor or something I’d never done in the first place!”

“I know it’s not a simple thing to be estranged from a parent” Henry said. “Trust me when I say it’s uncomfortable. My parents refused to respect me and my life choices. They dismissed my homosexuality as if it was nothing, which was very hurtful to me. They cannot stop me using my own trust fund from my grandparents, so I don’t refer to my parents at all. They don’t deserve to know me now and they ruined their chances. It’s their loss. It took me a great deal of time to come to terms with my own choice, but when I did, it felt like the right choice, for me. I learned to stop defending their deplorable actions to myself.”

Noah sighed “I hate her a lot sometimes but I wish she’d cared enough for me. She never loved me or told me so, and all I wanted to do was impress her, to prove I was good enough.”

“You are good enough, you are exceptional Noah.”

“Means a lot coming from you, Sylvie and my brothers” Noah said with a weak smile. “It just hurts that my own mother hated me enough to curse me like this.”

[ignorethisblogplz]

I wish I didn’t have to exist. Not in the way of hating my mother for having me, it isn’t her fault I feel the way I feel. Existence is just tiring, I feel exhausted all the time. No matter if im happy or upset, im just so tired of being here, and the only other option is suicide. But my issue isn’t wanting to die, it’s with being alive. Life itself is a constant question of “Is [this] worth [this]?”and it has always been this way for me. Is cleaning my room worth doing, just to avoid argument? Is getting out of bed worth it, just to get through another day? Is life worth living, just to struggle through every second?

I cant even question if I want to die, because my answer is ever changing. Sometimes I just want to hurt, and to be upset and angry about it all. I feel like im stuck in some horrible situation with no solution. Sometimes I make myself hurt to take the edge off, sometimes I do it without reason.

The other answer is that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to experience consciousness. It’s the expression of wanting to sleep forever, or to isolate and rot all day.

Another answer could be that I want to die to hurt others, just for interacting with me. This shows up the least, but occasionally I just want to die to be mourned. Maybe to take someone else with me, whether I love them or not.

The worst part of living is knowing I don’t have it that bad. I don’t have another mouth to feed, im not impoverished, im not sick. Im safe and fed and I can enjoy things. I haven’t experienced a real tragedy in my life, the worst thing to happen to me hardly affects me anymore. It could be so much worse, and yet I cant bring myself to enjoy living. I can hardly bring myself to want anything other than small distractions. I don’t want a future, I don’t want a home, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to create. I can’t even shake off simple things, everything that upsets me just eats away at me endlessly. Self awareness is the only real curse I have, I know most of my problems are self made, and I either don’t know how to solve them, or I don’t have the discipline to solve them myself.

There comes the issue of “If destruction of yourself meant destruction of others, would you?” and the flip-side of “If destruction of others meant destruction of yourself, would you?”

And the answer is that I don’t know. Im not sure I hate myself, and I certainly don’t hate everyone. I don’t think everyone deserves to die, I frequently find myself sympathetic to anyone I consider “followers”. Even if it’s a group of awful people, I can find sympathy for the lowest tiers.

But I would really like to cease to exist, I just would hate to live through the aftermath of the attempt, or live beyond death. I wish I could make others cease to exist, before they have to experience life at all. Once they are living, it is up to them what they want, but I wish someone would have saved me from existence.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head, frequently so. I think people are out to get me, and sometimes they are. Sometimes im correct. I can be logical and recognize that my own mother probably won’t want me dead, but sometimes I can’t help but think that the people I center my life around won’t end up hating me for some reason or another, or that they don’t already. Im almost certain that most people who see me without meeting me are either apathetic or negative towards me.

This feeling even reflects into straight apathy towards most things. The strongest example of this in my opinion is how lax my boundaries could be in some situations. Cheating? If you don’t leave me or give me a disease, sure. Hurting me? Just don’t rack up the bills. Breaking things? Id rather you not but if i really love you it’s okay. I know these are things I shouldn’t let people get away with, but I just can’t bring myself to waste the energy to care. Im constantly in a beaten down state, I could agree to pretty much anything as long as I don’t have to put in extra effort.

It’s only made worse by being transgender, I just can’t be bothered to pass sometimes. Anytime I feel like someone sees me as a man, it just feels fake and performative. The most relaxed I ever feel is when im alone, no mirrors, and with some distraction to drown out my thoughts. I can forget I am alive, I can forget I have a body. I can feel like there is nothing outside of my room, like im just a phantasm haunting the place. But being a ghost isn’t what I would want, that still requires existence, even post mortem.

[perpetual-fool]

Progress?

I've been feeling quite awful. I suppose it's like every time I get over one little hump, I am again faced with the insurmountable problems of life which led me there in the first place: making sense of the world, making a living, doing good, finding companionship and community. But I just don't get to have any of that. There's a few factors that feed into it. Like, I'm too clever to understand what anyone is trying to do, I have too much compassion to write people off as simply being 'bad' in some way. And you'd think my lack of empathy would be a big part of it, but that wouldn't be a problem if others' thinking wasn't already faulty. I can be reasoned with, I'm not malicious, I want to be a good person but I just could never figure out how to do that.

The core issue, or at least pointing at the core issue, seem to be inconsistency. Like, sometimes people seem to make sense/understand, and more usually they're wrong but sort of close, but usually they're way off the mark. And that seems paradoxical. Like, a system which is subject to causality shouldn't behave inconsistently.

I asked Cat about it. Ostensibly, she'd have some insight on that due to being a programmer, but I really was just desperate for help. And her answer to that, more or less, was that it has to be due to messy input. Aside from just programming the program to randomly be random to random degrees at random times, it has to be getting inconsistent input. And I haven't been inconsistent in how I've expressed things (and I know people are just not hearing me correctly), so others' interpretation is where the inconsistency has to come in. More directly, her answer to what's going on with people is motivated reasoning. That is, you tend to find excuses to believe the things you want to believe. Say, if you feel wronged in some way and want to hurt someone, you're likely to come up with a reason to justify why hurting them is good. 'They deserve it' or 'they're learning a lesson' maybe. But that would also apply to theory of mind, how you think other people are thinking. For instance, maybe, you don't want to think that you're asking too much of someone, so instead you decide that they're just being lazy. And that could lead to issues like, someone is being 'helpful', but the other person doesn't appreciate their failure to help, so they then punish the person for being 'rude'.

So, people are twisting reality to fit their stories. Or with the computer analogy, you'd get that behavior by having an AI 'autocorrect' its input to match the patterns it already has. I think.

But I'm a human too, I should be pretty much the same. How can I be so vastly different? I think the answer is that I don't have any patterns to 'correct' to, mostly. My patterns are more broad, more connected. So nothing has made enough sense to form patterns.

I lost track of the train of thought I had when considering this, so I'm not sure how I got here. But I was considering, when I was talking to Catherine, and as has happened when I've been feeling very bad, I was less reserved about my phrasing. Like, in the past she's done something I feel is fair to call gaslighting, and I referred to it as such. Usually, I'm not allowed to say anyone did the bad thing, not in those words. If I dare show any displeasure in response to something others do then people get upset, and I get punished. I guess I don't realize how tightly wound I am all the time, constantly living in fear, constantly walking on eggshells. And I was in a lot of pain, agonizing over the inability to connect. But then the pain gave way to.. something else. hate? spite? I should be feeling how I feel, I should be angry, I should be upset, I should want things, and I shouldn't have to feel how other people demand I feel. I shouldn't have to be happy with other people's shit. I was getting that floating sensation again, for awhile. Now I'm mostly just sad and tired. I don't know what's going on. I'm getting real close to seriously considering killing myself again. But maybe I'm doing better?

But I guess I should try being 'rude', 'selfish'. in spirit at least.