#i feel a similar disposition as one of the bennet sisters from pride and prejudice

[featherdownmoor]

A few days ago in Cebu my family and i went on a tour. First stop was a beach where we wld swim w whale sharks. Before boarding the paddle boat tho i was glancing at a filipino boy from the group beside us. He looked to be around my age and he was with his mother and sisters and aunties, and he was wearing snorkelling equipment 🤿 over his head. He was wearing a neon pink and yellow gradient swimming trunks with fish patterns on it. I felt certain that he was looking at me too. Also when i bent down to inspect some stones and shells and pieces of coral on the beach, and show some to my sister, I saw him looking quite intently too. But the whole thing was discreet at the time so nothing came of it i guess.

Fast forward to yesterday, i was crying about my skin again. IN PUBLIC. To console me my mom was telling me that it really didnt look that bad. Then finally she was like “you know what, let me tell you something-” and then began telling me how she saw that filipino boy yesterday who kept looking and looking at me throughout the whole wait before getting on the boat. She observed that he had a tattoo on his thigh and looked about 19 or 18. She definitely looked at him more than i did. I have a bad habit of playing it cool (too cool for my own benefit) around incredibly attractive people.

Here I wanted to put the fact off as long as possible, but i must mention that he was the most good looking boy i have ever seen. Hence why i kept looking at him even though i tried not to (still didnt look at him enough for my own good). He had such soft boyish looks, with big doe eyes with long lashes, tan skin, full lips, and a strong sharp nose. I swear to g. And before i even mentioned it (too busy sobbing) my mom remarked how handsome he was and whether i had noticed or not.

She said on the beach when i was inspecting shells, he was curious to what i was doing so he kept looking and looking, and at one point even started to step towards me, but when my mom moved forwards he got spooked and stepped back. NO!!!

And now he’s gone forever i guess. Yes, i know it’s gratifying to have someone as beautiful as that boy look at you like that. But i think i as a person am prone to regret. I regret not putting aside trying to look cool and just went and talked to him. If only i had known how much he was looking, but i didnt. Fast forward to now, i have been obsessing over that one occurrence for 2 days and it probably wouldnt have been as bad if i had not heard that he was about to talk to me. Aaaaaahhhhh.

It’s a miracle, at least i think it is. I always thought of myself as a sort of beauty that is unapproachable because it often invites stares because it looks uncommon. Not the kind that people would try to talk to you or get to know you. I just thought i wasnt loveable i guess, at least not at first sight. This proves my theory wrong wrong wrong. It is a gut-wrenching fact because i can’t do anything about it. I don’t know when it will ever happen again either and that is sad sad sad.

I don’t go to school so i have no prospects, but it’s not like i had prospects in school anyway. Like please god. Prove to me that i am loveable at first sight brah. All i can do is hope like a fool that somehow that filipino boy will resurface like a real REAL miracle. I prayed to santo ninõ for it even.

Conclusion: i am so lonely.