#i fear i'm losing the queue

[poppyfamily]

amanda & angela in inventing our own scrabble words

[illiadsart]

reuniclus my beloved <3

[corngobblerthe2817th]

people dont even say bless you anymore they just look at u like this

mermaidman and barnacleboy type beat

Chanse sent an audition tape for Serving Cvnt S2 and I'm crying 💀💀

[canisonicscrewyou]

Hmmm think. I might take a week or so off of social media type stuff as we go into October, and that does include tumblr considering I'm always here. Think that will be good for my brain. I also think that won't include discord because I still need to fucking talk to people, so if you wanna find me there I'll be, at some point. I need a little reset.

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

Wifi. WIFI. THERE ARE PARALLELS BETWEEN NEW FL ART AMD CHILDE SPLASH ART. WIFI THE DESIGN AND ART TEAM POPPED OFF.

Background is wave imagery in both, the abyss cape is merging into the water the same way Childe's scarf did, it's almost the exact same pose but mirrored, HES HOLDING THE SPEAR WITH HIS RIGHT HAND IN BOTH. GOD. THE DETAILS WIFI. IM GOING FERAL OVER THE DETAILS.

HHHGHNGNSGNNN I KNOWWWW IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. THE TEAM DID SUCH AN AMAZING JOB I HAVEN'T STOPPED STARING AT IT... but WHERE IS HE??? i miss Foul Legacy (and Childe in general honestly) so much, seeing him during the weekly boss fight really isn't enough gaahhhhhhh :(((

[mxgoldenwood]

So like. does anybody have. you know. organizational tips for keeping track of multiple projects?? ones that work with ADHD, I mean. Please send help.

[txrks]

Tag Dump 1

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

happy new year specifically to my obsessive compulsive disorder who is being such a fucking cunt this holiday season

[pissheartmybeloved]

I got to experience the terror of actually running to the bathroom in a train station the other day bc I genuinely couldn't hold it much longer and I thought I was gonna have an accident. like. I was using everything in me to keep holding on for like a minute more so I could make it to a toilet but GOD it was close.

I'd been on a rly busy train and I'd needed to go fairly badly when I got on, but I figured I'd just pee on the train bc I was too shy to excuse myself beforehand. but I got on and it was PACKED. like I genuinely couldn't get down the train so I had no choice but to hold it. and I thought I was gonna have to get off the train before my stop bc I was gonna have an accident if I waited. but I made it to the station and had to jog/speed walk to the barriers. and THEN I got lost in my rush and had to go up and down some stairs whilst whining under my breath and when I finally made it there was a queue. which NEVER happens in mena bathrooms so I was just shifting around, surrounded by the sounds of people relieving themselves whilst I thought I was gonna lose control right there.

it's the most desperate I've ever been in public and it was TERRIFYING. I'd kinda accepted that I might not make it and I'd have to change but I was filled with this deep fear of having an accident surrounded by all those people and them all seeing that I couldn't hold it long enough to get to a bathroom that I was on like. superhuman levels of holding. and my stomach was cramping from needing to pee so bad and my head was swimming and I was dancing around with my legs pressed together in this fucking queue, just completely humiliating myself and SO obvious that I was absolutely on the verge of going.

and finally FINALLY a stall opened up and I could run inside, literally barely managed to lock it before I started going, had to rip my trousers down and just hope that I'd made it without major leaks showing through. most relieving piss of my goddamn life. slumped over rubbing my poor overstretched bladder, assessing the damage I'd done leaking and in disbelief that I'd actually made it to a toilet in time. I just sat there for ages making sure my body was totally empty before I got up again.

yeah that was crazy! I really thought that would be the end for me and I'd lose control in the middle of a train station, minutes away from a bathroom, after actively holding for nearly an hour. I'm still blushing typing this out, remembering how squirmy and obvious I was about being desperate around all those strangers.

[youcouldmakealife]

SOTM: Robbie, Playoff Willy, various Scouts; pull yourself up by the jockstrap

For the prompt: A little more of Robbie's time with the Scouts - Cup party, with the Tweedles and Willy, maybe Julius & Erin. Your choice - just more of that.

(I'm not here, but the tumblr queue is! Well. Probably.)

“Now, I know I have no right to talk about maturity,” Robbie says, then promptly ducks the jock that comes flying at him, the rest of his message going undelivered.

“No throwing shit at teammates’ heads during playoffs!” Playoff Willy yells.

“It wouldn’t hit him in the head if he wasn’t so short!” Bender says. “I misjudged!”

“Misjudging is not acceptable during playoffs!” Playoff Willy says. Robbie wants to write a book of his sayings. Like Sun Tzu but for maladjusted athletes who don’t know how to lose. Which is pretty much all pro athletes, in Robbie’s experience, so it might even sell.

Robbie nudges at the limp jock with his socked foot. It looks sad. Defeated, even. “Bro, when was the last time you replaced this?”

Bender looks to Playoff Willy, like he’s waiting for Robbie to get yelled at, though Robbie’s pretty sure Playoff Willy cares a hell of a lot less about feelings than he does about potential head injuries. Or like — anything. The only feelings Playoff Willy cares about are like, motivation. And probably bloodlust.

“Pike has a point,” Playoff Willy says. “That shit is falling apart.”

“But I wore it in!” Bender says. “None of the other ones fit right.”

Robbie pokes it a little further from him. The visitor’s room floor is sketchy as fuck, but he doesn’t think he can do the thing any damage at this point.

The elastic snaps. Well, snaps is a strong word. The elastic’s too damn worn for that, so it’s less a dramatic death and more feebly giving up on the last thread of life remaining.

“Whoops,” Robbie says. Maybe he should have considered that the thing was an antique before he started poking at it.

“Willy, look what he did!” Bender says. “That was my lucky jock!”

“How lucky can it be when we just lost the game?” Playoff Willy growls.

Bender is, thankfully, smart enough to realize that’s a rhetorical question.

“Still up a game, Playoff Willy,” Money says, and Playoff Willy shoots him a glare, but doesn’t say anything.

Robbie’s still impressed that Money’s got the balls to call him Playoff Willy to his face, and even more impressed that Playoff Willy lets him. Everybody knows Money is his favorite, but as the playoffs have gone on, that seems to buy less and less leeway. Money told him from the get-go that the longer the playoff run, the worse Playoff Willy got. Robbie didn’t really believe him, or maybe didn’t want to, but he’s got to say, Playoff Willy during the Conference Finals is a whole different beast than the first round. Emphasis on beast, there. If he mauled someone Robbie wouldn’t even be surprised. Unless they were playing well, he guesses.

Thankfully, Robbie’s been doing okay for himself, shutting down the guys he needs to shut down, so he’s also currently in Playoff Willy’s good books, at least enough that he doesn’t fear mauling.

“I’ve had that for eight years,” Bender moans.

“That’s fucking gross, dude,” Robbie says. “Genuinely. I did you a favor.”

Bender throws a glove at him. Thankfully, it doesn’t appear to have been around for two presidential terms.

“If I have to leave next game because I got nut shot, that’s on you, Pike,” Bender says.

“Bro, if you go onto the ice without a jock Playoff Willy will cup check you himself,” Robbie says.

He winces, but either Playoff Willy didn’t notice the slip, or Robbie’s earned even more grace than he thought.

“He isn’t wrong,” Playoff Willy says. “Normally I wouldn’t, since it’s a chickenshit play, and an auto major, but I don’t think they really care if it’s your own teammate.”

“Refs won’t give a shit,” Scratch says. “Social media probably won’t shut up about how he slept with your wife, though.”

“I can make it look like an accident,” Playoff Willy says. Robbie does not doubt him even a little.

His brow furrows a moment later. “I don’t have a wife,” he says, sounding almost unsure.

That would be kind of suspicious, but Robbie’s learned that’s just how Playoff Willy talks about anything non-hockey related, like first he has to go consult with normal Willy, who’s being held hostage somewhere inside him.

“That could not matter less to idiots on twitter,” Scratch says.

“Last round they said I slept with your wife,” Money says.

“Why did you sleep with my wife?” Playoff Willy asks, then, after checking with kidnapped Willy again, “You’re openly gay.”

“Like I said,” Scratch says. “Could not care less about your actual relationship status. Or sexuality, apparently.”

“Scratch is still mad about it,” Joey says.

“I’m not mad about it,” Scratch says. “I just think people should do basic—“

“I fixed it!” Bender says. “I fixed it, guys! All it needed was a little super glue.”

Robbie has such a bad feeling about this. Bender’s honestly lucky his balls have survived this long: that elastic was literally holding on by a thread.

“You don’t want kids, right?” Robbie asks.

“Oh yeah,” Bender says. “Not quite yet, but Lacey and I are—“

“Oh, give me that fucking thing,” Playoff Willy says.

Super glue isn’t going do shit to save Bender’s jock after Playoff Willy and a pair of scissors get through with it.

“Have some respect for your testicles,” Playoff Willy hisses, and then marches the remains of Bender’s jock to the trash can.

That one's an instant classic. Robbie is adding it to the book of Playoff Willy for sure.

“That’s one for the book of Willy,” Harvard says. Obviously Robbie didn’t need telling, but he does appreciate that it’s becoming a collaborative effort.

“Hah,” Robbie says. “Testicles.”

“Willy,” Harvard agrees.

“What are you two giggling about?” Playoff Willy growls.

“Nothing,” they chorus, ducking their heads so they don’t accidentally meet Playoff Willy’s eyes. That’s a mistake Robbie isn’t making again.

“It was so comfortable,” Bender mumbles. “Like wearing nothing at all.”

“Yeah, buddy, we know,” Scratch says. “That was kind of the problem.”

“So comfy,” Bender whispers.

*

Robbie’s never been to a funeral for a jock before, but he guesses there’s a first time for everything.

“R.I.P.,” Money says. “Like rest in peace. Not like rip. Though that is what you did.”

“Before getting hacked to pieces by a madman,” Scratch says.

“May you find peace and serenity in—“

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” Playoff Willy says.

“Scatter!” Money says, and they all flee. Well, Robbie doesn’t. Not because he doesn’t want to, but he’s fucking exhausted. Plus, he blocked a shot last game, and anything faster than an amble makes his leg throb like a bitch.

“What the fuck were they doing?” Playoff Willy asks.

“Funeral for the jock we murdered,” Robbie says. Well, Robbie’s crime was jockslaughter at most, but that’s not important.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Playoff Willy says, then bows his head, eyes closed. He doesn’t move for a good minute, and Robbie’s shifting uncomfortably, wondering if he's finally snapped just like the jock did, and if getting Money will help or just make it worse.

He startles when Willy speaks, murmuring, “Sorry I killed you.”

Presumably — hopefully — he’s talking to the jock, rather than saying it to Robbie just before he kills him. Robbie reminds himself he’s safe. He blocks shots.

“It was for his safety, and the greater good,” Playoff Willy says. “Thank you for your years of service.”

He opens his eyes then, and Robbie accidentally meets his eye.

Shit. He wasn’t supposed to do that. He doesn’t think he was supposed to see that either.

“I won’t tell anyone about this,” Robbie says.

Playoff Willy’e eyes narrow.

“Because there’s nothing to tell,” Robbie says.

“You’re a quick learner, Lombardi,” Playoff Willy says. “I like that about you.”

“I block shots too,” Robbie says, just to make sure Playoff Willy remembers his utility.

“You block shots too,” Playoff Willy murmurs, then nods to himself.

“Integral part of the team,” Robbie says, then, aware he’s over-selling it, he awkwardly shoots Playoff Willy two thumbs up.

Playoff Willy’s brow furrows, then, after a long consult with the normal Willy tied up in the basement of his brain, he gives Robbie two thumbs up back.

[double--hh]

I’ve heard about your DDD AU. What’s it about?

Oh no, get your lore socks and shoes on, chat...

The basis is that Mia has had it up to HERE with the doppelgängers and especially having to comfort her students on as to why their mom, dad, siblings, family, or pets have to go "forever sleep". She tells Izaack, in pain staking detail, everything about the Trojan Horse Project, and specifically things Dr. Afton and his old crew would only know.

Queue Izaack using his job to his full advantage to relay ALL of the information Mia has shared to him.

The D.D.D are no saints here, the heads of the D.D.D are a good chunk of Afton's said old crew, they take this as a threat to their organization, and they know exactly who spilled.

Afton gets detained by the Police and "mysteriously" goes missing (he's alive, dw ;), while Izaack and Mia are kidnapped by the D.D.D. and are given the ultimatum of dying or joining their cause... this au would be way shorter if they chose death...

The Astral Circle is real here, and it's uh... not going so hot down there...

Yan Luo and Zoth, being a direct reflection of Mia and Izaack, have a huge falling out, involving everyone, and kinda turns the Astral Circle into the Astral Semicircle... And an angel is not having a fun time...

A few years or so pass and this is where my story is currently taking place! (I got my fanfic up :3c)

From there I'm still writing the story but I have no issues with spilling some thangs... :3c

(Below are some slight spoilers, one mention of ed, and art containing blood and heavy topice)

Mia and Izaack pretty much have to conquer their respective fears by literally killing their respective nightmare counterpart, and must take a "token" of proof if they wish to escape the Astral Realm.

Mia will slowly lose her mind through the story while Izaack still needs to come to terms with reality...

Yan Luo and Zoth's original meanings (YL = Mia's fear of dying & Z = Izaack's ed) very much change with Mia and Izaack's circumstances. The Astral Schism was an effect of their hatred for each other. #symbolism

There are two endings I have planned, one is where everyone makes it out okay and reunites with the people who care about them the most while the other is where only Anastacha makes is out :(

I swear this started as a silly "haha what if" but then I started drawing more and went "ah fuck, there goes my mental illness"

[poppyfamily]

to betty (whoever you are)

[suratan-zir]

all kinds of trigger warnings

I'm not okay. Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, the thought of my hometown crossed my mind for a split second, a mere moment, and I teared up. It wasn't even a complete thought, just a blurry image. I didn't cry, only a couple tears that I quickly wiped away, but it's strange. It's not a good town, never was, even back then, but now it's ten times worse obviously. It's theirs now, I will most likely never see it again, not that there's anything to see there.

I'm not allowed to be sick of the war, as I'm not the one fighting in the trenches. So I'm sick of life instead, as I am indeed alive and have been for some time. I can't take any more losses. I know there are people who lost so much more than I did, yet they keep on going. But I genuenly can't lose anymore. And it makes everything too precious. When your entire world shrinks, fits into one person sleeping next to you, in one place with a leaking roof and creaky floor, in one moment of stillness. I can't bare the thought of losing it. I can't live in this all-consuming fear of losing it all any longer. And I know I'm going to lose.

I had exactly one happy year in my life. Well, it's only happy in retrospective. When I was 17-18, moved away from my absolutely horrible family, met my future husband and moved in with him. We were very poor, we fought all the time in those early years, and that was the year my bipolar disorder manifested in full strenght. The same age as my father's. But I was studying in the uni I loved, I wasn't bullied at school for the first time in my life, I had good grades and was making friends. Then 2014 came. Russians came to my city in tanks, their favorite vehicle when visiting Ukraine. It was a scary year of artillery, empty streets and store shelves, duct tape on window panes, queues for humanitarian aid food packages, sandwiches with catfood-like pate from said food packages for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Russians of course took over my uni along with everything else. And every night falling asleep to the sounds of their tanks and APCs (they moved them at night), I dreamed that these were Ukrainian tanks coming to free us. But it never was.

And despite it getting better on a surface level, it only gets worse. We're not so poor anymore, we don't fight with my husband, I accepted my mental illness and sort of made peace with it. And I was almost the happiest person on Earth for a couple of months when I moved from Donetsk, and Russia hadn't invaded us yet. I had future ahead of me, I made plans, I thought my life had just begun after all. I can't keep losing and I can't keep making it worse. In my teenage years I dealt with having a terrible family by finding even more terrible and abusive person and clinging to him for over ten years. I got so hurt by my closest friend that I never made a single close friend again. I found my husband and now can't even kill myself because I can't do that to him. Now I have something - someone - to lose. I should've end it way back when I had nothing and no one. I can't live with this fear, it's unbearable. I want it to end. I want to either wake up and realize that this war was just a nightmare, or not wake up at all.

please donate to the Ukrainian army using one of the links in my pinned post. just please, even a single penny, just do this

[taylorswifttournament]

We’ll be doing just one poll a day for like two weeks I think, just so I don’t have to struggle to queue up a bunch of stuff while I’m on vacation next week 😋

Lyrics under the cut

You're On Your Own, Kid    

From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this I hosted parties and starved my body Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss The jokes weren't funny, I took the money My friends from home don't know what to say I looked around in a blood-soaked gown And I saw something they can't take away 'Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned Everything you lose is a step you take So, make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it You've got no reason to be afraid

Death by a Thousand Cuts    

My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you too much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[emhm]

If you don't mind, i'm kind of curious about one thing.

Considering that Lunar existed in Lord Eclipse's Universe, this implies that he also cut off a piece of his emotional circuit board. Did it begin to recover after he received the Star and was able to create his own body? How difficult was this process, considering that LE, unlike “our” Eclipse, had no support or allies other than his servant?

(anyway, have a good day!)

I already gave this a little thought, it's just in the queue. I'm actually writing chapter 80 atm. For now I'm going to say that he just stayed broken despite the star. And the lack of being able to feel real satisfaction or joy just spurred him harder to work on his own creation. Just doubling down over and over subconsciously looking for the breakthrough that would fix the un-namable missing emotions. Almost losing his servant Sun would have been the revelation. A system resonance in a sudden tumbling cascade that left him completely overwhelmed. It became a quiet obsession. This flaring of new positive emotions in his servants presence. And one negative one. Fear. Because now there's suddenly something in his life that gives him real joy. And it's a person who could easily die.