#i failed the test btw. and immediately went to the hospital

[lovers-in-japan-reign-of-love]

Btw Im bored and Im craving an angsty fic. Somehow I managed to be on your blog knowing your good at it. Anyway could you do part two of avenger cast x teen reader wherein the reader have cancer and got remission but rhis time the cancer is back. The cast and fans know about it and they are all supporting to your battle. When the cancer got worse the reader thought of giving up but the cast still encourage to fight. Its up to you if you want the reader die or not. (But for me I wanna more super angsty that I wanted reader to be dead lol)

So that's all hope you can make it and make my heart in tears heheheh. Anyway have a good day and be safe.

Notes: I’d like to thank @huntective-kyeo for the request!! I hope you enjoy it.

I mean no disrespect by writing or posting this, and in no way do I take the themes and topics discussed in this story lightly. So if you’re triggered by any of this, I suggest not reading it.

I would also like to apologize for any cancer treatment misinformation in this story. I will gladly change anything I get wrong.

I don’t own any of the gifs/pictures used.

Warnings: Some angst probably, mentions of cancer, depression, mentions of cancer treatment, spelling/grammatical errors, medical inaccuracies, cliffhanger, a really bad cliffhanger, anything else I failed to mention ⚠️

Characters: Vague mention of Marvel cast, possible mention of doctors and family members, anyone else I failed to mention

Part 1: Click Here

Masterlist: Click Here & Here

Word Count: 1305 (give or take)

You’re in bed, staring at the ceiling. The early signs of emotional numbness is beginning to take root, drowning the overwhelming emotions within you. Your brain refuses to process the information you’ve been told, which only makes the whole situation worse. Cause who wants to hear that their cancer came back? After fighting so hard to be in remission, it comes back at full force. Who wants to hear that? You recognized the signs that you were beginning to feel unwell, so you went to your doctor. They ran their tests, and you waited.

The somber tone in your doctor’s voice was all you needed. Unlike last time, you hadn’t caught it in the early stages. This comeback had been faster, a little more aggressive. It hadn’t progressed enough that it couldn’t be treated, but precautions were made to ensure your full recovery.

Your doctor recommended you begin treatment immediately, so you did. It was also recommended you let your work know, and you hesitated. You agreed that you should let them know, since they were fully aware of your last battle with cancer. Of course, they were only made aware once you were in the clear. And you’d been on a break from filming and promoting, so that gave you plenty of time for treatment and resting. Now... Now, you’re going to start filming in a matter of days.

After muddling over the topic, you chose to let the producers know. You sent them a quick text explaining the situation, and anxiously awaiting their response.

=================================

You’d been met with understanding from the producers, who were more than willing to put your scenes on hold until you recovered. While grateful for the accommodation, guilt began to flood you. How long are they willing to wait? The last time you had cancer, it took a long time before you fully recovered. Maybe you shouldn’t have agreed to the accommodation. Maybe you should’ve just sucked it up and done your scenes.

Fuck.

A knock snapped you out of your thoughts. You took a second to realize your doctor, Alanis Baker, was standing in the doorway to your hospital room. A small, but comforting smile was on her face, a clipboard in hand as she approached you.

During your first diagnosis, you’d been recommended to Alanis, having been told she was the one of the best in her field. It didn’t take long for you to see why. Her honest, personable behavior made it easy to get along with her. You came to realize that even though Alanis hated delivering bad news, she had to do it regardless of how it made her feel. She wasn’t known to sugarcoat anything; and while her bluntness may not be everyone’s cup of tea, you appreciated it. You needed it.

“Good morning, Y/N,” Alanis starts, a small smile on her face.

You mumble out a morning.

“We’re going to run a few tests,” your doctor explains. She’s giving you an almost apologetic look. “Just to see how everything’s going so far.”

You nod. Your heart feels like it’s jumped in your throat. You expected this, and you’re anxious to see how you’re progressing. It feels like you’re improving. You can only pray the test results match.

=================================

You’re… not improving. The cancer is seemingly getting worse. Still treatable, but it’s not reacting to the chemotherapy like the doctors had hoped. So that meant surgery. Probably multiple surgeries.

Alanis tried her damndest to inform you of all the benefits that come with surgeries, but you just couldn’t understand. You couldn’t understand why the cancer wasn’t going away with chemo. You couldn’t understand why it was getting worse. It didn’t make sense to you. Nothing your doctor, or any doctor could say would make you understand.

Part of you had to wonder if surgery would even do anything. If it progressed to the point where Alanis was attempting to sugar coat it, in her own way, then maybe you shouldn’t…

No, you think, snapping back into reality. You can’t give up, not now. You beat this before, you can do it again! You have to keep trying.

But is it worth it?

=================================

Your first surgery was fast approaching, and you were on the verge of throwing up. You knew it was important. You knew it was necessary to improve your health. But you were nervous. What if something went wrong? What if you didn’t wake up? What if it didn’t do anything?

What if you got worse?

“You feeling okay, kid?” Your ears perked at the voice. It was Robert. Him and a few of your co-stars had come down to visit you. The production crew let you have time off in preparation for your surgery, which was nice. But you needed something to keep you distracted. That’s where your co-stars came in. If they’d finished their scenes for the day they’d visit you or call or FaceTime—whatever they could do to stay in contact.

“Same as always,” you sighed. You didn’t tell them about how you were feeling. You didn’t want to hear what everyone else was saying. You’ll get better. Just keep fighting. You’re so strong, you’ll get over this. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You were numb to the comfort they intended to bring.

Robert nodded, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through,”—here it comes—“but don’t let it control you.”

Your brows furrowed. “What do you mean,” you asked.

“Don’t let your thoughts control you,” he said, giving you a gentle look. “You’ll have your ups and downs, and those downs will feel like they’re suffocating you. Don’t let them take over. You’ll get better, you will.”

You knew there was truth in his words. Robert had his own struggles, his own ups and downs. He was speaking from his own experiences.

“I’ll try,” you said. “I can’t make any promises though.”

“Do what you can.” He placed a hand on your shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “We’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

==================================

The day of your surgery came faster than you thought. Robert’s voice rang in your head, and you tried to focus on that instead of your nerves. Your family, after wishing you well, was escorted to a waiting area.

After all the necessary preparation, you were put under.

==================================

It felt like only minutes later that you woke up. You were groggy, your mind hazy from the drugs. Was the surgery successful? Deep down, buried under the disappointment and growing cynicism, you hoped it was. You didn’t want to be sick anymore.

You heard voices. They sounded muffled, far away. Turning your head, you saw the door to your room was slightly ajar. You squinted, but your vision seemed blurry. After what felt like a lifetime, your family walked in with the doctor behind them. They were smiling but there were tears in their eyes.

“How’re you feeling?” the doctor asked.

You hummed softly. “’M fine,” you slurred. “Tired.”

The doctor smiled. “We’ll make sure you get lots of rest, okay?” You nodded. “You’ll stay here with us until you’re well enough to head home, how does that sound?”

You mumbled a ‘fine.’

“Okay.” The doctor’s smile looked almost strained before looking at your parents. “I’ll give you all a minute. Call us if you need anything.”

Your mother nodded. She was trying her damndest not to cry.

“What’s wrong?” you mumbled.

“Nothing,” your mother said, her voice soft but shaky. “We’re just happy you’re awake.”

You hummed and nodded.

“You did great today, (Y/N),” your father remarked. His voice sounded strained. “You’ll be out of here in no time.”

You smiled and nodded. You were starting to fall back asleep. Maybe once you’re more cognizant, you’ll ask about the surgery. And why your parents seemed so upset.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

@ceciele

[adorerdraco]

I’m Here ✧ Draco x Reader

Request: Hi, so I’m not sure if you’re taking these kinds of fics for Draco, but I’ve been feeling really down lately, and I was wondering if you could write a one shot or a scenario where the reader has been having a really bad day/week and Draco comforts them? And maybe Draco lays the reader on his chest and he hums a small tune to make the reader feel better? You can ignore this if it’s an issue, but I’d really appreciate it. I love all of your fics btw! They make me really happy <3

Warnings: none bc mostly fluff, some tears, super soft!draco

Words: 1.9K

A/N: i saw this and had to do it effective immediately bc i am feeling the exact same wayyy so this was really nice to think about ;( thank you so much for requesting this and for reading my stuff and i’m so glad i can help in a way <3 i’m sending you nothing but peace, love, and light !!! but i really hope this is gooood <3 do not own gif

Life was punishing you, you thought. It had to be. Because there was no way how in the span of a week everything in your day-to-day life had gone from okay to borderline catastrophic. It was as if every situation you were in was taking its form in the worst case possible scenario and all you could do was watch hopelessly as things continuously got worse sprinkled with small misfortunes in between.

It started on a regular Monday morning, sitting down for breakfast in the Great Hall with blissful ignorance. Halfway through eating your toast, your owl had come in through the open large glass windows and dropped a letter onto your plate from home that left you some very unfortunate news and had set forth a ripple effect that began making everything else go downhill as your days progressed. By the end of the school week, you had managed to blow up a potion, lose house points because of said potion when it splashed onto some people and had some physically altering effects, tripped over your footing and fell in the middle of a crowded corridor, failed a surprise quiz, forgot to turn in an essay, got into an argument with a friend, accidentally slept in and missed a morning class, and took a trip to the hospital wing for a migraine that didn’t want to leave you alone. You could’ve sworn you had somehow been thrown into purgatory, or limbo, or something outer-worldly. 

“Are you alright?” Draco had asked you right after breakfast that Monday morning as he was walking you to your first class. “What was in the letter your owl gave you? You look worried.”

“It was nothing,” you dismissed quickly, trying to put on a half-hearted smile while you spoke to make it more convincing. “I’m fine, just tired.”

It was the beginning of the week, and he did keep you up late the night before when you were sneaking around together, so he just shook his head up and down and took your excuse even though he felt like there was more to it than you were letting on. But as the days went on, he was becoming more observant of the way you were acting and even looking. He didn’t like that every morning he saw the shadows under your eyes get deeper and darker, and he didn’t like how you would close your eyes in pain when you would groan about your headache. He also didn’t like the way he hadn’t seen you truly smile or laugh all week even when he tried countless times to amuse you or cheer you up. But what he didn’t like most of all was that he felt like there was nothing he could do. 

On Wednesday afternoon, he tried asking you again. You were sitting in the Quad with him on a bench and he was telling you a story from earlier in the day about how he had ‘accidentally’ tripped this Gryffindor boy and got Snape to take away house points from him that he thought for sure would you make laugh or perhaps give him a disapproving redirection, but when he glanced up to see your reaction, he noticed you weren’t even listening, to begin with. You had been staring down at your shoes and the way they lined up against the cracks in the pavement, kicking around some gravel as your mind was running a million thoughts per second.

“Love?” He said to you softly. You looked up at him swiftly with a quiet questioning hum, e/c eyes widened slightly from being ripped away from your thoughts suddenly. “You know if something’s bothering you, you can talk to me.”

“I know,” you nodded warmly. “I’m okay, Dray. I’m honestly just tired.”

And you were telling the truth, in a sense. You really were tired; physically, mentally, emotionally.

He frowned, dissatisfied with your answer. “Right, well if anything at all comes up, I’m here.”

From then on, Draco took it upon himself to try and increase his affections and compliments. He would hug you a little tighter, kiss you a little longer, whisper sweet little nothings into your ear before he left you for class. You felt a little bad lying to him, withholding the truth from him, and you saw the concern in his light gray’s when you’d meet him in the mornings and for the rest of the day, but it only made you feel a tad bit worse. You were starting to feel guilty for the way he was worrying, feeling like you were dragging him down into the dumps with you and raining on his usual carefree parades.

On Friday morning, you didn’t meet him for breakfast and you were out of the Great Hall faster than he could catch you. He felt like a stalker when he walked by your class, peeking his head in to see if you were there and well. He spotted you sitting at your desk, hunched over your unopened books with a grimace on your face and your head in your hands. He wanted to go in and whisk you away to somewhere far and quiet, but the Professor had caught him by the door and sent him on his way before he could even think of doing anything of the sort.

You felt the day had gone by extremely slow, relative to how the week was moving and also impossibly dismal. You were counting down the minutes until the end of the school day, ready to run to your dorm right after your last class and bury yourself deep into your duvet and pillows for the rest of the weekend.

Head still pounding, you trudged over to your final class, stopping outside the doors when you saw a small group of your housemates standing around with unnerved expressions as they passed each other papers and spoke in hushed tensed tones.

“I studied all night but my friend took the test earlier and she told me during lunch that it had stuff on it that wasn’t even in the reading!” You heard one exclaim in distress.

“We have a test?” You accidentally said aloud and a pair of eyes turned to look at you confusingly.

“Yeah? Professor’s been telling us all week.”

A scoff of disbelief escaped your lips, an overwhelming sense of defeat washing over you as you turned briskly on your heel and in the opposite direction of your classroom. Tears started pricking at your eyes, you felt the stinging of them wanting to be released but you refused to let them all out in the open and especially in front of people who were still taking their time to head to their classes. 

You were making a beeline towards your common room, blinking rapidly to try and clear your vision that was quickly pooling with unshed tears while trying to steady your breathing in another failed attempt to calm yourself. You were nearly there, you could tell by the paintings and doors that you passed by and the black stain splattered on the floor you saw every day on your way to the dorms from someone’s dropped ink bottle that Filch hasn’t been able to get rid of. 

Almost there, you kept repeatedly reminding yourself.

All hope of solace was gone when you didn’t notice the body you had unknowingly crashed into. All you felt were strong hands around your biceps, holding you in place from toppling backward and the very familiar scent of expensive cologne and mint.

“Y/N? Why aren’t you in class?” You looked up at the platinum blond sadly, his worried eyes searching yours with such care that it pushed you over the edge.

You didn’t answer him and instead wrapped your arms tightly around Draco’s middle, burying your face deep into his robes and letting out quiet and frail weeps that broke his heart. He held you tightly, pressing kisses to the top of your head and muttering soft “I’m here’s” into your hair. You stayed in his embrace for a few minutes, letting your tears freely fall into his vest with a sense of relief that only he was able to give you at this point in time.

“I’m sorry I cried on you,” you choked out when you pulled away from him, desperately wiping away at your eyes with the back of your sleeve.

“You don’t ever have to apologize for that,” he said quickly. He brought his hand up to your face, his thumb swiping delicately over a stray tear that was sitting on your jaw while you closed your eyes in comfort. “Do you want to go back to my room? I can set you up really nicely and we can talk if you’d like?”

“Yes please, I’d like that a lot.”

Draco interlocked your fingers with his, bringing the pair up to his lips with a warm kiss on the back of your hand before walking the two of you over to the entrance of the Slytherin common room. It was empty when you walked in, not a soul in sight since everyone was still in class and it made it much easier for him to sneak you into his singular Prefect room you were now extremely grateful he had. He watched contently when you shed off your robes and kicked off your shoes and immediately slipped into one of his dark green jumpers that fit you big. 

You were perched on the edge of his bed, his scent from his sweater engulfing you and doing a much better job of calming you down than you wanted to admit. He followed in your footsteps and changed into something comfier and when he finally sat beside you with his hand falling over yours as an encouragement to talk - you did. You vented to him all about the letter from home, the migraine, your classes, the argument between you and your friend, and everything else that came to mind.

“And I feel bad for ignoring you and not telling you all this before but I didn’t want to burden you,” you finished with sniffles, gazing up at him with a gloomy expression. 

“Y/N, I love you, and nothing you say to me is a burden,” he frowned slightly, “when I tell you I’m here, I mean it, for anything. You’re so important to me and it kills me to see you upset.”

In a careful movement, he had scooted towards you and affectionately cupped your face before placing a loving kiss on your forehead and murmured to you, “don’t ever hesitate to come to me.”

You let him pull you under his covers, draping his large duvet over your entangled bodies with your head resting right above his chest, the steady beatings of his heart instantly sending you into a much-needed peace. His chin was rested right atop your head and you felt his fingers run up and down your arm soothingly while he thought.

“Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?” He asked quietly.

“Can you help me fall asleep?” you muttered, closing your eyes gently when his hand smoothed over the back of your hair. You felt him nod against your head and after a small moment silence, you heard him begin to hum the faint tune of your favorite song.

You lied there in bliss, enjoying the way his chest was vibrating against your ear and the way his fingers were playing with the ends of your hair, curling the strands around his fingers and then moving upwards to massage your scalp. And for a minute, everything was finally okay again as you drifted off into a peaceful sleep, a full heart and with your love calmly lulling you away with a soft and now distant humming.

[mackeydoodledoo]

I Wasn’t (Thinking)

Pairing: Sarah Reese x Rory Laine (Fem!Doctor)

Summary: You’re assigned to mentor Sarah Reese in her studies to become a doctor. You have a ball however, little did you know, you began falling in love with your 4th year student. When a Pathology worker interrupts your love fest for Reese, you immediately regretting not telling her how you feel about her sooner.

Warning: Hospital shooting, Blood/Blood mention

A/N: Okay I recently started watching Chicago Med as I watch the other two Chicago shows, I’m all for Sarah Reese! btw, Rory Laine is my OC for Chicago Med!!

------------------------------------------- As you file down some paperwork, you feel a hand gently caressing your back. As you look up it was your med-student trainee; Sarah Reese. The two of you had built a strong bond compared to her first day as your trainee. 

"You paged me doctor?" You knock on the door frame 

"Yes, our handful of 4th year students have arrived," he explains, "I'm assigning them to a doctor such as yourself. I'm having you mentor Sarah Reese." 

"Sounds like a plan doc," you answer 

[...] 

"Hi I'm Dr. Sarah Reese," she introduces herself, shaking your hand, "4th year med student." 

"Dr. Rory Laine," you introduce back, "Emergency Medicine." 

[...] 

"Reese, help the patient with their airway, they aren't breathing properly!" 

"Dr. Reese code blue!" 

Reese presses the code blue button right behind the patients bed as Dr. Choi began CPR, the two of you helping around as much as you can. 

[...] 

"Sarah? Hey hey, it's okay," you comfort her, "just let it all out. It's okay." 

You noticed how Reese was hard on herself. You wanted to be there. You HAD to be there.

In all that time you had spent with her, you didn't notice you began to fall in love with her in the process. It wasn't until Maggie pointed it out. 

"Girl, you're totally head over heels for Reese!" Maggie teases 

"What?! No!" You try to stop her, "I don't even think she's into girls... or even likes me back..." 

"Dr.?" Reese calls from behind you 

You turn around to face her, "What’s up Reese?" 

"I just wanted to ask you, if you wanted to get coffee right now?" She asks 

"I'd love to," you smile, following her

As you two had went to the coffee area, you made her coffee, she smiles as she happily begins to make yours. You turn around to look at the city scape. You inhale the crisp, fresh air. You turn to Sarah to check on how she was doing. You notice a guy standing right next to her. 

"Hey Dr. Reese, I just got paged," you lie, happily taking your Reese-made coffee, "You page me if you need me at all." 

You didn't like the guy. You've met him before, a little bit of a creep. He tried to make a move on you but you straight up told him that you were a lesbian. You weren't sure how to tell Reese, you adore her, you enjoy her presence, you strongly believe she is the best Med student you have ever partnered with. You couldn't do that to her.

"Earth to Laine," Sarah smiles, waving her hand into your face, pulling you out of your thoughts 

"Yeah?" You ask, sighing 

"I got my match back!" She smiles 

"Well don't keep your mentor waiting what was the result?" 

She opens the envelope and unfolds the paper and shows it to you. You were heartbroken... But you couldn't show her that. You wanted her to be happy after all. 

"Oh my gosh that's amazing, where you wanted to be yeah?" You force yourself to say, but you sigh, "You know, I’m going to tell you this. Of all med students I have mentored in my time here, you were the best med student I could ever work with. Good luck. Doctor Reese." 

You walk away, forcing yourself to smile until your back was turned to her. You didn't want her to see you cry. But you watched her date Joey, one of her Pathology colleagues. It pained you to watch it. Each time you were saving loves, doing paperwork. You did it all to get your mind off of her. But to no avail.

One night post shift, you were seated at the bar at Molly's. Notebook under your right hand, a drink in the other. 

"My favorite kid doctor looks sappy," Stella Kidd comes over 

"The girl-my former med partner is dating someone else... I like like her but.... I'm too late..." you sigh, scribbling something into your notebook 

"What do you have there?" Stella asks, taking the notebook 

You try to get it out of her hands, but you failed that task. 

“Oh how I wish I could have made my feelings known sooner. Maybe we could have been something. My colleague. My partner. The greatest one I have had. ED for me wasn't the same. I'd always call for your assistance however I look up to see nothing but an empty space.”

You watch Stella read out your sappy poem as you continue drinking. 

"How have you not told her yet?" She asks 

"I wasn't sure if she was into girls too, let alone me." You sigh, "Most important of all, I don't want her to run away if I tell her." 

"From the stories you tell me from your time at Med, you never sounded enthusiastic about any of them until you got an ED partner. Tell you what," Stella starts, "March right up to her apartment and talk to her. The most thorough conversation you can do." 

You sigh, but straightening yourself out. You slide Stella a hefty tip as you grab your jacket and run out of the bar; rushing over to Reese's. She asked for your help on a test she had to take and you went over there once to help her study for it. 

Once you reach her place you compose yourself and you gently knock on the door. Joey opens the door... 

"Laine." He says, coldly 

"Hi Thomas. Is Sarah here?" You ask, trying to look past him 

"In the bathroom," he says 

You try to brush past him but he stops in your direction. 

"What are you doing?" He asks 

"I need to talk to her," you only say before he places a hand on you to place you back into the hall 

You slap his hand away as you realize what he's doing. 

"Fine," you sigh, "Can you tell her at least, that I need to talk to her?" 

He nods, not saying anything else. You turn your back to him and leave. As you go down a decent amount of stairs, you stop... You slumped against the wall and looked up to the upper stairs. 

"I'm such an idiot!" You growl at yourself before finally leaving

You return back to Molly's as it begins looking thinner the last time you were there. 

"I'm guessing it didn't go well?" Stella asks, passing you a drink, "On me." 

"I couldn't talk to her," you say, slumping down onto the bar, “Joey refused to let me talk to her.”

“You want me to talk to him? Stella asks, “I could drill into his head like Chief Boden does while on shift.”

“No, not worth it, and I think Sarah will be mad at me if I let you,” You sigh, taking another sip of your drink, “Thanks Stella.”

"Hey Rors," Sarah calls 

You look up from a supply box you were supposedly invested in. 

"Here's the results you requested," she says, handing you the paperwork 

"Thanks Reese," you sigh 

"So- how's your new partner?" She asks 

As you begin walking to Treatment 7, Sarah follows you. 

"What new partner?" You ask, "There's no 'new partner' for me. I told Charles that I'd only work with you, should you come back." 

She smiles. You wish that moment lasted an entire lifetime. However you look toward the entrance and see a man with a gun.... You look over and realized it was aimed at... Sarah Reese.... 

"GET DOWN!!" you scream to the ED department 

As everyone else does so, you look over at Sarah. Panicking when you hear a shot ring out. 

"SARAH!" you scream as you push her into the empty treatment room right next to the two of you 

You accidentally knock into the supply box in front of treatment 4 and knock it over, sending you with it. You roll over it and slide across the floor, leaving a blood trail on it. You gasp for air, trying to reach for the same supply box you knocked over, wanting to cover your bullet wound immediately. When Sarah gains her consciousness, she launches herself over to you, trying to stop the bleeding. 

"Choi! Rhodes!!" Sarah calls out for, "Rory." 

She looks up and notices the shooter being handcuffed by the CPD. 

"Re-Sarah," you sigh looking up at her, "I just want you to know, that... If I don't make it-" 

"No no no, stay with me Rory, eyes on me okay? Eyes. On. Me." Sarah tries to comfort you as Rhodes and Choi lift your body into the empty room 

Many of your coworkers nearly cried as you were taken to the OR for suture and possible surgery, as Choi looked for the bullet. Worried you might need surgery for possible bullet lodged in your body. 

"Are you hurt?!" Joey comes running over to Sarah 

"No but- but Rory took the bullet.." Sarah cried as Joey pulls her into a hug

After crippling hours of adjusting to a hospital shooting and with you in the ICU, Rhodes game of from the room as Sarah immediately stands up. 

"Rory?" She asks Rhodes 

"Laine's stable, but she's unconscious. Not sure when she'll wake up," he gets to the point, "She really misses you over at ED. You should see her when she tries to do paperwork. Do you know how many 'bathroom breaks' she goes on? Just to cry? You should be there for her. She wouldn't just take a bullet for their colleague. Unless there was something else going on with her." 

Rhodes makes his leave from your ICU room as Sarah follows. However, Joey stops her. 

"What is it Joey?" She asks 

"Can we talk?" He asks 

"Okay," she sighs as he follows him 

"You and Laine had something," he concludes 

"What?" She asks, "I have no clue what you're talking about." 

"Oh come on you don't think I see a lesbian that likes you when I see one?!" He asks 

"Rory's a-?" She asks 

He nods. 

"We that doesn't phase me that she's one of the best doctors to have mentored me, her sensuality has nothing to do with how she mentors me and how she sees me." Reese states 

"She’s only jealous and she only took that bullet to-" 

"SHE TOOK THAT BULLET FOR ME!" Reese screams, supposedly for her whole department to hear, "It should have been me instead of her, but now... But now she's my patient!" 

"Come on Reese she's been avoiding you," Joey states, "If she hadn't tried to come over the other night we-" 

"She what?!" She asks him 

"She came over to see you," he says, sighing," I told her to leave." 

"You did what?!" She asks 

"I told her to leave," he says, "She's getting in-between our relationship."

"I don't need you to decide that for me," Sarah screams, "Laine told me herself; I was one of her best med students she's mentored. And if you see her as a 'threat' to our relationship, you can leave. So leave." 

"Reese-" 

"LEAVE!" She raises her voice 

So he makes his leave, Sarah looks around and notices people staring, she rushes into your ICU room where you were resting; your shoulder healing from the gunshot wound. 

"Rory.... Oh my God I'm so sorry." Reese whispers, "You goddamn took that bullet for me and for what? It should have been me instead. Me in the bed where you are...." 

Sarah leans over you and puts her forehead against yours. 

"Sarah Reese..." you manage to say, "You are so blind..." 

She lifts her head to see you with your eyes open, slightly smiling. 

"I am so goddamn into you Sarah," you sigh, leaning into Sarah's touch, "I just couldn't find the courage to tell you." 

"Well, I wish you would have told me sooner," Sarah smiles, "Because I would have thought about it." 

You smile as you try to sit up but feel Sarah's hand gently press your uninjured shoulder. 

"Not yet," she whispers, "I'll go get Dr. Manning and-" 

Before she could stand up she feels your hand on hers. 

"Stay, please," you sigh 

She sighs as well. She sits back down and continues checking on you.

As you stand up with the assistance from Sarah, you see everyone applauding for you. 

"Who coordinated this?" You ask, looking at Sarah 

"I did, you saved another Doctor Rory," Maggie smiles, "Give yourself some credit." 

"That I did and that I shall," you smile

By the end of shift you were in the break room getting your post-work clothes on, however when it came to your jacket, you forgot you still had some stitches on and you drew your left arm back. 

"Here let me," Reese says, as she puts your right arm through the jacket sleeve 

"Thanks Sarah," you say, "Have you ever been to Molly's?" 

"Can't say I have," she smiles 

"Do you want to grab dinner?" You ask, "on me." 

"I'd like that Rory," Sarah smiles, "I'd like that a lot." 

"Meet me at the entrance when you're ready," you say

When Sarah meets up with you, the two of you take your cars to Molly's. 

"Hey it's doctor Savior," Hermann teases 

"Ha ha very funny Hermann," you sigh as you hear Sarah laugh 

"What'll it be?" He asks 

"You know my usual," you smile 

"Just a water for me," Sarah says 

"Oh by the way Rory, you finally got your girlfriend to finally come in here huh?" Hermann teases again 

"W-what?!" You ask him, blushing, "Well, I mean she knows I like her." 

"Yes," Sarah calls 

You turn to her, looking at her like she's crazy 

"I'll be your girlfriend Rory," she smiles 

"Really?" You ask 

She nods. You wanted to kiss her. But you remembered you wanted to be smart about her. You wanted to wait until she was ready for you. 

"Hey after this do you want to go to my place?" You ask, "I want to show you something." 

"Okay," she smiles 

"We aren't rushing anything I promise you that," you smile as you sip your whiskey 

As you lead her into your apartment, your hands over her eyes. 

"Keep those pretty eyes closed," you whisper into her ear 

You pull out your phone and press a button to play Photograph by Ed Sheeran. 

"Open," you say as she does 

You watch her look at the photographs in awe. They were strong up along, what you call them; fairy lights, spread out in an orderly fashion hut not in order. 

"Did you take all of these?" She asks 

"Yeah," you smile, "Some I took on our first couple of weeks as partners. And..." 

You trail off as you turn around to grab something. She turns around as you're on one knee, acoustic guitar in arms. 

"I look like I’m about to propose to you but no, let's not rush into things," you smile, beginning to strum along to the song. 

So you can keep me, inside the pocket of your ripped jeans. Holding me close until our eyes meet. You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home. Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul. And it's the only thing I know, know. I swear it will get easier. 

You continue looking up at her, strumming along to the song and looking into her eyes. You'd occasionally look away from her to look at your fret markers to know what note to play next. 

We keep this love in a photograph 

You reach up and pick a photograph off of your display and hand it to her. It was actually your favorite one; Herself and you were acting goofy in the bathroom. Her arm slung around your waist and yours around her shoulder. 

We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, hearts were never broken, and time's forever standing still 

You sing the chorus again as you go back to playing for her. 

And if you hurt me, well, that's okay baby only words bleed. Inside these pages you just hold me and I won't ever let you go. When I'm away- 

You stand up, meeting Sarah's eyes, still singing to her 

Hearing you whisper through the phone; "Wait for me to come home" 

When you turn away from her to put your guitar down. But when you turn back to her; tears filled her eyes as she tries to viciously wipe them away. 

"Oh babe," you sigh, wiping her tears gently for her 

"You prepared all of this for me?" She asks 

"Actually, it was on the fly," you chuckle lightly 

"Oooh that’s even hotter. Adding that you're also a musician?" She laughs 

You laugh with her, "Before deciding to become an ED resident, I wanted to play music, sing it even! So I learned nearly all instruments. But I got bored.... But I still use my music skills for outside of Med, like this." 

"Can I stay here tonight?" She asks 

You nod, with a smile, "Of course you can." 

Noticing she didn't have any clothing, you rummage through yours and hand her one of your band hoodies and a pair of your shorts. 

"I don't know your shorts or pants size. Why would I need that for? But I hope it fits." You say, nervously 

You wait for her to come out of your bathroom. You were reading a book and you didn't hear your bathroom door open until you feel someone straddling you and taking your book away. 

"Impatient are you?" You joke 

She only looks down at your shoulder, the stitches. Oh.. Right.. I got shot at this morning... 

"Goodwin gave me a couple weeks off for it to heal," you say, "You can come over as much as you want. But if I'm not here, I'll leave a note at the door." 

She doesn't answer but hear the gunshot in her head. 

"Goddamnit Rory what were you thinking?!" She only asks 

You paused for a minute, trying to think on that moment earlier that day. 

"I wasn't" you answered, "when I know your life is in danger I don't think. I do it with no questions and no question of the consequences." 

"So... you did all of that for me?" She asks, gently stroking your injured shoulder. 

You nod, "I'd rather take a bullet for you than watch you become a memory." 

She doesn't answer but leans her head down for her lips to meet yours. You meet her halfway and kiss her. At first you believed that you were able to tell Sarah Reese how you felt. But with Joey Thomas that used to be in the way, you regretted not telling her sooner. But, taking the bullet to the shoulder instead was one way to tell her how you felt about her.

[laufire]

Roswell NM 2x02

THANK YOU SHOW FOR GIVING ME FURIOUS ROSA. It’s all I ever wanted. She was furious at Max, at Liz (the “sweet little sister” she doesn’t even recognize because she’s in love with Max. I’d love that she said “the guy you chose to love”, that her anger is both righteous and a little unfair, and it’s expressed in ugly ways), at everything, for how the pod people covered up her death and how it affected her and her families reputations. And I’m curious about how the relapse storyline will go. I was convinced she was going to use again soon, given all the blatant foreshadowing, and I love that it is so that she can shut down her visions of Max (especially when he threatened to keep coming lol). And that she told him to “man up” because everyone’s in pain lmao.

She still had this sweet, hilarious moments I adore her for too. Like her morbid curiosity about her death, the “affection! I’m allergic!” moment, her renewed vandalism across town xD, her “the future’s creepy” line when she finds out about phone tracking (so there with you. Also, I see u giving her that phone Liz, I see u xD). or when she went to the church to pray (or how she told Kyle about Liz’s arrest LOL).

Her relationship with Liz kiiiiiills me. Ouch. It really comes across that Rosa used to be the eldest one and that that’s part of what’s throwing her off now, the changes Liz’s gone through in adulthood. I also loved the little bonding moment when she told Rosa how she wanted to put her on a “Live Through This” t-shirt for her burial xDD

BTW, it never stops marvelling me how good a liar Liz is lmao. Not just with Rosa, but in this episode with the sheriff, when she used her grief to throw off her suspicions. Damn gurl. And I loved her line about how she’s “focusing on the science. I’ve never failed at the science.” ILU.

I hope I can come to like Kyle’s love interest if nothing else because I’d like to ship him with someone that doesn’t have another ship “higher” in the food chain *sighs*. I’m curious about the supposed alien foreshadowing they did with her (I’m 80% sure it’s a fakeout, but who knows), but hearing her talk against universal healthcare with the typical capitalist arguments put me immediately against her lmao. Like. What’s the point of that. (Part of it is that I’m even touchier about the subject given current events xDD; if someone wonders, no I’m not from the USA, I’m from a country with universal healthcare. But there are some areas -including the one where I resided for the past few years and the most affected rn- where regional conservative governments did a number on public healthcare in favor of private hospitals and. yeah I’m touchy about it, sns). Anyway. I’m curious about what he actually found on Rosa’s tests. And I liked the scene where he “threatened” Alex’s dad (I don’t believe him for a minute. He’s too soft to actually risk the pod people’s secrets :/).

I don’t know if I like where Miluca is going this season but I had ~feels in this episode. Especially the scene where they talked to each other about their mothers (I also had Malex feels when Alex told Michael about Nora, Michael’s mother. This time after he asked, looks like he’s learning xDD. But nah, seriously, it was a very touching moment).

I’m not sure Isobel’s tactic to get rid of the alien fetus will work. I would actually like a supernatural show that gave us a sketchy pregnancy where the mother wanted to abort, and then followed through and had her abort, tbh. It would be a freaking novelty.

[imagining-supernatural]

Chapter 2: History Class

Cracks In The Dam Series – Reader’s POV

She’s a quiet engineering and physics major trying to forget the demons of her past, and he’s the campus playboy trying to turn over a new leaf. Their friendship is unlikely, but just might be forged to withstand the cracks in the dams they’ve built to protect themselves. (BuckyxReader college au)

Word Count: 1900

You know how you always seem to have that one class each semester that just makes you give up three minutes into the first day? History was that class for me. I was halfway through the semester and barely holding onto a D. Maybe if I paid attention in class instead of sketching new ideas in my notebook, I could bring that grade up, but honestly, who cares? It’s history. I just need a D to pass.

“Another exciting day learning about fifteenth century history,” someone says, plopping down in the chair next to me. The husky scent of his cologne and faint tinge of cigarette smoke gives away his identity before I even look up.

“Oh lovely. Another stimulating conversation with Bucky.”

He chuckled and leaned back in the chair. “It’s been long two days without me. I know it’s hard, doll.”

“Why don’t you go sit with your harem?” I was referring to the group of girls he usually sat with in the back of the lecture hall. “I’m sure they need your attention more than I do.”

“Probably.” No shame. Not even an ounce of shame. No embarrassment. No sense of humility. How do people find him—

Okay. Fine. He’s attractive. But how do people stand to be around him?

My watch vibrates, letting me know I have a text, and I look down at it to see that Tony texted me. Thankful for the distraction, I grab my phone out of my backpack and open the conversation.

Tony: Jarvis thinks I have a concussion and keeps wanting to call an ambulance. Tell him I’m fine.

“God, it’s like babysitting a five-year-old,” I mumble. He’s nearly twice my age, but Tony Stark is just a giant baby underneath his playboy exterior. I suppose rather than an uncle, he’s more like an annoying older brother.

“That the dude from your date on Friday?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a date.”

Canary: You designed Jarvis. He knows you better than you do. If he thinks you have a concussion, go to the damn hospital.

Canary: What did you do, btw?

“Not a date. Right. Dressed like you were? Doll, that dress you wore was probably more than my last paycheck.”

Setting my phone down, I gave all of my attention to the dark-haired man beside me. “Why so interested in my love life, Barnes? Your one-night stands getting boring?”

He leaned forward, arms crossed on his desk, and gave me a smirk with that damn twinkle in his eye. “Why so defensive, Y/L/N? Jealous that your best friend found her true love and you struck out on Friday night?”

“Oh, God, don’t remind me about Nat and Steve. They’re disgusting. Literally they’re always making out on the couch or in my kitchen or… ugh.” I’m happy for Nat, but still. Boundaries, girl!

Tony: It’s Bubba’s fault. I tweaked the thrusters and tested them out and that stupid machine didn’t spot me like he should have.

Tony: If I had a concussion, would I be able to type grammatically correct sentences? Checkmate.

“Boy trouble?” Bucky wiggled his eyebrows and I just shot him a dirty look.

“Boss trouble. Gimme a sec.” Rather than text him back, I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. I didn’t even give him time to say hello when he answered. “Go to the damn hospital, Tony.”

“No time, Cannie. We’ve got that—”

“I will drag your stupid ass to the hospital myself. If I’m going to be on my A-Game this week, you need to be too. I need your brain. It’s the whole reason I have a job. I’m going to tell Jarvis to call that ambulance.”

“They’ll just tell me I can’t do the presentation and—”

“For fucks sake, man. I’ll do the presentation. Your brain is your best asset and no-no, don’t say anything. I regret that word choice already. You need to make sure you didn’t fuck up and ruin it.”

“Grammatically correct sentences.” He said pointedly. “I’m fine.”

“I’ll believe it when a doctor tells me that.” I hung up and immediately called the line that Tony set up for me to directly connect to Jarvis. “Jarvis, I’m overriding whatever stupid command Tony gave you and telling you to call a goddamn ambulance.”

“Miss Y/L/N, I cannot approve an override without—”

“Override code: Please and thank you.”

There was a moment of silence before Jarvis approved the code and called an ambulance. I just loved that AI. I swear, he was more human than most humans sometimes.

By the time I finished with all of that drama, Bucky was watching me with a puzzled grin on his lips. “I’ve never heard anyone talk to their boss like that.”

“You’ve never met my boss. You’d understand.”

Just as Bucky was about to say something else, the professor drew everyone’s attention to begin another boring lecture. As usual, my attention span lasted roughly thirty seconds before I was bored to tears and turned to a clean page in my notebook.

Tony said he was messing with the thrusters? I could only imagine the kind of scene that played out when he tested them. Get footage from Jarvis, I wrote in the margin of the page before starting playing around with the thruster design.

For the presentation on Friday, we would definitely have to go with the original design. There was no way I was going to trust one of Tony’s tweaks less than a week before the biggest presentation of my life. This might not be as big of a deal for him, but this was my first real presentation. If I could nail this in front of the entire board of Stark Industries, the CIA, and select individuals from the US Armed Forces, then I was set for life. I would have my choice of jobs. I could do whatever I ever imagined after graduating next year.

I just couldn’t let Tony screw this up.

But since I knew him, I knew that he was going to play around with the design until he got bored with it, so I had to keep up with him. Maybe I could even come up with some ideas he hasn’t yet. Beat the great Stark to a breakthrough. That was the dream…

My watch vibrated again and I glanced down to see the message scrolling past the screen.

Jarvis: Mr. Stark has been admitted to New York-Presbyterian Hospital. He is not happy. I will keep you updated on his whereabouts so you will be able to find him when you are finished with your classes for the day.

“Big baby,” I whispered under my breath.

Warm breath on my shoulder drew my attention to Bucky, who was leaning over to look at my notebook. “You a fashion designer or something?”

“Or something,” I muttered. He was entirely too close to me, so I shoved him lightly. “Dude, personal space.”

The rest of class went by uneventfully. Bucky kept trying to distract me and I kept squinting at my notes on the project. There was something I could do with it. Something I hadn’t thought about yet. I just knew it.

Before I knew it, class had passed and everyone was suddenly moving, shoving their notebooks and laptops into their bags. As if snapped out of a daze, I looked around.

“Well, that was a fascinating lecture, as usual,” Bucky drawled, stretching his arms back and over his head. Why guys always took up so much space was a mystery to me.

“I sure hope none of that is gonna be on the test,” I mumbled, gathering my things.

Bucky stayed by my side and, uncharacteristically, stayed quiet until we were out of the classroom. Ever since Nat, my best friend, started dating Steve, his best friend, Bucky and I found ourselves together all too often. So I knew that he rarely shut up.

“You know,” he started, and I nearly groaned. So close. So close to a full sixty seconds without speaking. That would have been a record. “I could help you out with this class.”

“You? Really?”

His brow furrowed minutely and there was a wounded expression that flashed across his eyes. It was so brief that I nearly didn’t catch it. “Hey now, just because I’m hot and sexy as hell doesn’t mean I can’t be smart too. You should know.”

That made me scoff. “Right.”

But… if Bucky really could help me out in this class… I was teetering right on the edge of failing. I really didn’t want to retake this class next semester…

“No strings?”

“What kind of strings would I attach, Y/L/N?”

We stepped out into the cool fall air and I stopped just before going down the stairs to the building. Bucky imitated me and I eyed him for a long few moments, trying to discern his true intentions. Why did he offer to help me? What did he have to gain?

“Okay,” he gave in with a hidden smile. “Fine. One string.”

“Ha! I knew it!” There was always something.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and paused for a moment, as if trying to figure out how to word his stipulation. “One string: friendship. That’s it. I promise. I’ll help you, but you have to admit that we’re friends.”

That was not at all what I had been expecting. “Why?”

He huffed a small laugh and there might have actually been a spattering of blush on his cheeks. “Alright, this is going to make me sound like a complete douche, but it’s the truth. I swear.”

“Spit it out, Buck.”

“I like this,” he motioned to the space between us. “Because you’re not into me. Besides Nat, you’re the only other woman who doesn’t try to get my attention or get into my pants. It’s refreshing.”

“Poor Bucky,” I crooned. “It must be so hard to have all the women falling over themselves for you. Being the resident sex-god must just be the worst.”

He rolled his eyes. “I know, I know. Douchey, right?”

I shook my head and started walking towards the library. “It’s conceited, is what it is. I can guarantee you that Nat and I are not the only women who don’t want to sleep with you. You just never notice the girls who don’t pay any attention to you.”

“You’re probably right,” he surrendered. “But about our deal, whattaya say, friend? Besides, we’re gonna spend a lot of time together anyway, with Nat and Steve dating. Might as well just accept the inevitable.”

My watch vibrated just as I started to respond and I glanced down to see a short message from Tony seconds before another text came through from Jarvis.

Tony: I hate you.

Jarvis: Mr. Stark has a mild concussion but is otherwise in excellent health. He is going back home.

Turning my attention back to Bucky, I gave him a small smile. “Let’s see how the first study session goes.”

“Tomorrow at one? Grab some lunch while we’re at it?” With a victorious grin, he started walking backwards away from me.

“I have to work all day. I can do Wednesday at one though.”

“I’ll meet you at your place with food, then. See ya later, friend!”

Watching him walk away, I wondered what the hell I’d just gotten myself into.

Series Taglist Open. Add Yourself HERE

Bucky Babes: @lavieenlex @hallow-hazel @infinity-dreamchaser @clintawcoffeenobarton  @amomenttowrite @zanthiasplace @clairese1980 @bandbandeau @zahiaouzidane @li-ssu @mogaruke @molly-hooperific @optimistic-babes @amomenttowrite @scarletlingeries

CITD Tags: @skatinginpr0gress @lilypalmer1987

[ohh-kaye]

2020 Resolutions

oh god this year was a disaster

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fuck this. let’s just go through my failures this year bc tbh i haven’t looked at this since i posted it and i’m positive that i didn’t actively attempt to achieve whatever’s on here.

1. Keep reading! (YES)

THANK GOD. Here’s my Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge for you.

I’m writing this post in advance and it’ll be up on the 31st. I’m reading A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin right now and I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it and therefore read 22 books this year (I hope I do though). I’m glad I read this much but also disappointed. Glad because I read 17 last year and disappointed because I read 22 2 years ago and that was during the hectic year of nursing school.

21 is not bad though. The Lord of the Rings set me back because it took me almost 3 months. Was it worth it??? yes. pls go read it. it’s great.

2. 200 stars on Duolingo? (EH?)

Duolingo had an update this year and they’ve replaced the stars with crowns so I don’t know what to make of this. Are they equivalent values? I don’t know because I have 188 for German, 167 for Spanish, and 134 for French. So are these equivalent to stars??? I don’t know.

I did write on my note about this from last year that i don’t think I’ll make it past a 200-day streak and look here bby

so maybe I should’ve trusted myself more and actually put “Maintain streak for a year” like I should have.

3. Collect puzzles. (YES)

I’ve finally bought a 4x4 and a 5x5 and I bought more tangles this year and I bought a little metal wire connect puzzle. I’ve been meaning to buy more but I can’t afford them bc I’m unemployed woohoooooooo. Everytime I go to op shops, I immediately go to the kids/ toy section first to look for puzzles because that’s where the gold mine is most of the time.

4. Prepare for the GAMSAT. (YES)

No excuses. I’ve been studying daily since August for the March 2020 sitting. I’ve also been recording a weekly update of my study experience which I’ll collate, edit, and upload when I do get into Medicine because there’s no point in doing a full weekly study vlog if I don’t get in. I’m sparing myself from embarrassment and saving the experience of recapping this adventure when (if?) I do get accepted.

*fingers crossed*

5. Watch more musicals! (NO)

This is sad. I did go to Aladdin and Book of Mormon because I bought those tickets last year but those are the only musicals I saw this year. I couldn’t afford to go see any shows even though I really wanted to. You don’t realise how many times I’ve frequented the Adelaide Theatre Guide website just to browse through any shows that were running. I was going to go see Les Mis, Miss Saigon, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, West Side Story, and so many other shows but I passed because I couldn’t justify the purchase because I didn’t have a steady income. Yeah, I could’ve watched as many shows as I could but also... couldn’t.

6. Travel. (NO)

I’ve decided that travelling sucks and I’d rather be home.

7. Therapy. (NO)

I don’t know why kid myself with this. I can’t afford therapy. BUT! I feel like this gap year from work has helped a lot. I’ve been non-stop working since I arrived in Australia and by the end of last year, I was exhausted. This year off was so relieving because I finally had a chance to breathe. I’m still not the best, mentally, but I’m energised and looking forward to opportunities now whereas last year, I would’ve told you that I will kill myself. I still have not-so-very-nice thoughts and they’re few and far between these days but oooo boi when they’re there, I’m ready to go. I’ll tap out. Not thinking so much helps so maybe we’ll keep trying this next year.

3 - YES

3 - NO

1 - EH????

Not bad. Half and half and one outlier. I honestly thought I’d fail miserably. The ones that got no with, I’m surprisingly not too devastated by.

Moving on to 2020 resolutionsssss.

I’m thinking of this on the fly because I’ve yet to prepare anything.

Maybe we’ll keep it achievable?

1. KEEP YOUR FRICKING NURSING JOB THIS TIME!

I wrote a post earlier this year about losing my grad job. I was conflicted with my feelings. I’ve always hated nursing and I still do. When I got that first job, I was horrified because I knew I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore. I’ve mentioned this several times on here about my feelings for this profession and they haven’t changed. If God chose to listen to me this time, he went all out and took away what I hated the most. That was really extra for Him to do but thanks I guess. The thing is, I HAVE to be a nurse now. Not because I want to but because I can’t be unemployed forever while I wait for Medicine to turn out. I’m never going anywhere with just staying at home and feeding off of the limited resources we have as a family. No bullshitting this time. We have to do a good job now. I’m ready.

2. Read. read. read.

I’m putting this in every year. My Reading Challenge goes up by 1 book a year so we’re at 15 books for 2020. I’m worried about this because I have job now so I’m going to be okay if we at least complete it. I won’t be aiming for 20+ next year. It’ll be great but I’ll but myself some slack.

3. Buy a car.

Honeeeeey. We’re putting this on here. Let’s be crazy and put this on here.

I hate driving but also owning a car is another step in independence. I need this. I really do.

4. Pass the GAMSAT.

I’m expecting a lot from myself with this. If I’m being truthful here, I don’t think I’ll pass the March 2020. I hope I do. Flinders Uni consider 50 scores for all sections and I’m holding out on hope that I get the bare minimum. I’m working hard and I hope it goes well.

Optimism is not good for me because I’m setting myself up for disappointment.

I know I won’t get it thought. Is it still optimism if I optimistic about not passing?

Seriously though, I’m willing to take the September test if that’s what it takes. However long it takes Medicine. I will get you.

5. Be acne-free???

I went to the doctor this year. He’s so fucking hot btw. HAHAHAHAHAHAH no srsly he is. He put me on antibiotics which I’m finishing the last round of before I go on to just using spot cream. Then if that goes well, I go back next month and he’s thinking of putting me on Accutane. I’m acne-free with the antibiotics but as all health professionals know, we can’t be on this forever. It’s not good for me goddammit. So I saw Accutane coming. But if he decides to go through with it, I know my face will light up like a Christmas tree before everything gets better. But I have a job now that requires me looking at people and people that have eyes and can see me and can see that my face is cystic for 6-8 weeks (?) before it gets better and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m scared.

I just want clear skin boiii. Adult acne sucks.

6. HAVE A HEALTHY BMI.

I’m going through an emotional time as I type this. I’ve been pretty good with food this year. I haven’t weighed myself because I thought that I didn’t need anymore and that I was somewhat satisfied with where I am right now. But now, I’m worried that the thoughts are coming back.

This whole eating problem has been brewing since I was 10 and would show itself by me being terrified of weighing myself or seeing how much I weigh. THIS particular thought is scary to me these days because I know that this is how it presents itself and it’s back. And I feel uneasy and insecure again.

I feel a strong urge to start starving myself again and I thought I was done with this.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

this really sucks man.

This morning I literally put WEIGH SCALE on my fucking to buy list because I was conjuring up scenarios in my head where I’m weighing myself in secret every morning.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So let’s frame this in a healthier mindset. I want a Healthy BMI. NOT BORDERLINE HEALTHY (which was where I was when I stopped starving myself the last time this happened) BUT ACTUALLY HEALTHY. And not through the lens of insecurity this time.

Please be good to yourself this year.

7. SEE KATYA AND TRIXIE LIVE!!!

Let’s end on a less crazy way.

YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE THIS YEAR AND HUG THEM AND TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT THEY’VE MADE YOU SMILE AND LAUGH AND BE SO FUCKING HAPPY THROUGH ROUGH PATCHES. YOU WILL TELL THEM THIS BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINITELY MEET THEM. YOU MUST. YOUR FIRST PURCHASE WITH YOUR FIRST PAYSLIP IS THE MEET AND GREET TICKET TO SEE THEM. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE. I REPEAT. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE.

Final notes as we put this year to a close.

2019 was a challenge and there were some trying times in there. I spent January waiting to start my job and relaxing as much as I could to prepare myself for it. Come February and all of that went away and I lost my job. We went to Sydney during the same month (which the vlog has yet to be edited). March and April were spent studying for the PTE and I aced that shit. May was sad. June through to July was spent moving houses. August (to present day) was spent fixing the new house and attempting to make it somehow presentable AND MY GAMSAT REVIEW BEGAN. The end of September through to the beginning of October, I did a Hospitality course and met Complex and I found out that I got offered the same job I lost for next year. November was nothing special. And here we are right now. December. 

I’m feeling anxious but hopeful and I’m trying not to think about things too much because I get overwhelmed and it leads nowhere.

I just want things to start getting better so that I start feeling okay.

Maybe 2020 will turn out to be that way.

:)