#i even like the werewolf books even if the protagonist is insufferable

[v-e-l-v-e-t-g-o-l-d-m-i-n-e]

Never thought I would say it but. The trailer got me intrigued enough that I’m having thoughts about reading The Witching Hour

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[libralita]

Repetitiveness: Clare VS Sanderson

Spoilers for:

[Major] All of Brandon Sanderson’s work (including his non-cosmere stuff)

[Major] Cassandra Clare’s work up to Lady Midnight

[Very Minor] PJO on world building

[Very Minor] Harry Potter on world building

Now if you’ve been looking at my blog recently, you’ll know that I have fallen in an absolute love with Brandon Sanderson. But I subscribe to the philosophy that if you love something then you should mercilessly make fun of all its faults. One of the faults being: Sanderson’s writing is unbelievably repetitive. And no the excuse “well it’s all in the same universe” doesn’t work. Reckoners is not in the Cosmere but it’s a pretty shameless (yet hilarious) rip-off of Mistborn. The only difference being is that Mistborn is adult and Reckoners is YA. Which, apparently, means that everything is exactly the same but main characters don’t die. Also, to a much lesser degree Rithmatist rips off elements of Stormlight Archive but it’s nowhere near as bad as Reckoners. I’m pretty sure they’re going to outlaw drinking games made out of the Cosmere because of dangerous they would be.

I also use to read Cassandra Clare’s Shadowhunter series but decided to stop because it was too repetitive. Now that sounds incredibly hypocritical and at first I didn’t understand why the repetitiveness didn’t bother me in Sanderson’s work. And the repetitiveness was the reason I found myself not wanting to continue after Lady Midnight. I know that Clare is going to pull some reason Jules and Emma can bonk out of her ass, Emma is going to suffer little to no consequences for her actions and they day will saved by bunch of stupid teenagers. At first these franchises seem completely different and pointless to compare but I’d argue they’re more similar than you think. Both authors were started off riding the coattails of other authors (Clare with the Twilight hype and Sanderson finishing up Wheel of Time), there’s a lot of talk of religion and there’s generally a neon sign pointing to which characters are going to die. Ironically, they both have a country called “Idris” that we barely care about unless it’s being under attack (Fun Fact: City of Glass was published in March of 2009 and Warbreaker was published June of 2009, go figure). They obviously have the same flaw. They tend to tell the same story with the same characters over and over again. However I figured out two reasons why I still enjoy Sanderson’s work and have given up on Clare’s.

1. Character Arcs and Group Dynamics:

Let’s take Raoden from Elantris and Elend from Mistborn. They’re essentially the same character. They’re young royals who take a position of authority even though they’re a bit naïve. They have badass girlfriends. Their girlfriends also have something to do with their clearly evil fathers’ deaths. Raoden even had a crazy brother in a draft of Elantris and Elend actually had a crazy brother. It sounds annoying that Brandon has characters with such similar backgrounds but there are some key differences.

One interesting way Brandon avoids the reader immediately realizing how similar these characters are is when their stories begin. Raoden’s story is basically Elend’s story but only through Well of Ascension and maybe a bit of time gap between Well of Ascension and Hero of Ages. In Well of Ascension you have the former ruling god dead, Elend is trying to deal with the authority that he’s accepted in the last book, dies and then comes back with awesome powers. Ditto for Raoden. But we get to see Elend grow from this naïve bookworm just trying to piss off his father into the badass emperor. Raoden’s already got some leadership skills from growing up with the assumption that he’s going take the thrown before he got zombie-afied and develops much faster than Elend in Elantris. It’s not immediately recognizable that this is the same arc. While in Shadowhunters Clary and Tessa basically go through the same story arc. Girl who thought she was average discovers Shadowhunters and that she’s magical, but even more super special than all the other magical people. She meets jerky guy and obviously better nice guy but chooses the jerky guy because he’s tortured. She discovers stuff about the Shadowhunter world and Clave continues to be useless dicks. She’s the only one who can save the day despite having very little to no training because she was born the right way. Bangs her boyfriend right before the climax because…I have no idea what Clare loves that trope to be honest. Anyone who was even remotely rude to her dies, even if they get quickly redeemed before the end and there are a few good guys who die, but honestly their deaths don’t really matter to the MC or the audience. End of trilogy! It’s boring. I will give Clare this, she did realize that the audience didn’t need this world explained for the third fucking time in TDA which a good step forward. I’m sure that every asshole is going to die by the end of the trilogy and right before the climax Jules and Emma will equip those stupid birth control runes and have a climax of their own. However there’s still the problem that they’re still fucking Shadowhunters.

Another difference is the different power sets that the characters. I know Tessa doesn’t have the exact same power set as Clary or Emma. Tessa is a Warlock-Shadowhunter, Clary has a bigger amount of angel blood than your average Shadowhunter and Emma is banging her Parabati which gives you magic powers apparently. Clare couldn’t have these take place on different planets with completely different magic systems like Sanderson can. But Tessa, Clary and Emma hang out with people and it wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t all Shadowhunters who come from the same culture with the same values and same personalities. Even the same family lines, which I guess means that family members have exact same personalities. At least when Sanderson families are from the same bloodlines he makes an effort to change up the personalities. Breeze is fancy asshole with a heart a gold, Wax is a social inept cowboy with a heart of gold. Tessa barely explores her Warlock side in TID, she talks to Magnus and maybe exchanges a couple of words with Ragnor. All three MCs hang out with Shadowhunters. It’s especially obvious when you look at Tessa and Clary’s groups. Tessa hangs out with Jace-Clone-With-Half-Decent-Reason-To-Be-An-Asshole, Simon-Done-Better, Crazy-Izzy (Jessamine) and Characters-That-Would-Make-Much-More-Interesting-Protagonists (Henry, Charlotte). TDA isn’t that much better. Emma and Jules are basically the genderbent versions of Jace and Clary with minor differences and being more pissy. They hang out with Less-Insufferable-Izzy, Evil-Crazy-Magnus, Expendable-Siblings, Siblings-I-Don’t-Care-About, Siblings-Waiting-For-Their-Own-Spinoff and Love-Geometry-Fodder. It would be better if they weren’t all Shadowhunters. Clare created a bunch of really interesting cultures and species that we never really get to see in full. We don���t know what it’s like to be a normal Vampire because Simon was a Daywalker (or whatever) and he wasn’t even a vampire for long, we had Maya the werewolf but she barely got any screen time. The non-Shadowhunter character we get the most of is Magnus because he’s a fan favorite but we still don’t really know much about Warlocks. I know this series is called Shadowhunters but why did it have to be? It would have been a better series if Tessa was a full on Warlock and she was exploring that aspect of Clare’s world and she could still interact with the Shadowhunters. Hell it might even be interesting to see how other species see the Shadowhunters. We know Downworlders hate Shadowhunters but they probably have different histories with them. Maybe Werewolves were used as manual slave labor while Warlocks were used as prostitutes for people who wanted to fuck demons but didn’t want demon STDs. I don’t know! Make Emma a werewolf, she’s aggressive. Culture does a lot, Clare already has the intriguing cultures that I want to learn about. She just has to DO something with them. Brandon loves having crews and it helps that they all come from different planets with different cultures. Even if he’s reusing a character they’re also either just different enough to not be a complete clone (unlike Jace and Will) or they’re surrounded by completely different characters. Raoden’s old crew has two old cranky farts with a rivalry that ends with my heart broken, a soldier, the hot guy, the big strong man with a family and the badass girlfriend. Elend’s crew he inherited from the Kell has the badass girlfriend, the fancy asshole with the heart of gold, soldier who’s a philosopher, Average Joe accountant, religious dude, cranky old fart and love-triangle-fodder. There’s some overlap between all the series’ crews but they’re just enough that you accept it. In Shadowhunters, especially with Tessa and Clary their friend groups are basically the same.

2. World Building:

The thing that keeps Sanderson’s work from becoming dull is that he is a master world builder. So good in fact that while you’re trying to figure out how the hell each world works and exactly how amazing it is that you completely miss all the repetitiveness along with the foreshadowing and references to the Cosmere. It’s only after you give yourself to think about the overall picture that you realize how similar they are. It’s essential a parent sneakily feeding their child vegetables by hiding them in cheese. Clare doesn’t have that. Seeing how Shadowhunters is the same exact world in every series, you never feel the confusion in any of the spinoff series. Once you’ve read a couple of the books you have a feel for the bland world.

Besides pop culture references, I don’t see much of a point in this being an urban fantasy. If the TV Show did one thing right, it’s that it mixed the Shadowhunter tech with modern tech. Why? Because it’s cool and gives it a little bit more of a reason to be set in modern times with modern pop culture references. If you took out all references to modern society it wouldn’t matter what time period any of these series took place because Shadowhunters seem to rarely let their society be affected by Mundane society. Shadowshunters have a very stagnant culture and it’s taken 10 books for them to start to realize that the Internet is awesome. This is an urban fantasy series but it doesn’t seem to have any effect other than pop culture references. You don’t need to completely blend Normal and Magical worlds; JK Rowling did a pretty good job of making a world where the wizard world very rarely interacts with the real world. This was successful because Harry Potter was a world with wizards who can do basically anything and had no real need to interact with Muggles. Shadowhunters for one don’t have any magical powers so they either have to do it themselves, get Warlocks to do it or get some Mundanes. They also have to protect Mundanes, you’d think they’d be interacting more and since there’s no Mist like Percy Jackson you wonder how Mundanes don’t figure it out by now. Speaking of PJO, on the flip side Percy Jackson works mixing the two elements because it’s fun to see Greek Gods and Monsters updated. Riordan took his concept and ran with it. He uses the modern setting to get out pop culture references but there’s still mortal interaction with characters like the demigods’ mortal parents and Rachel. The only other thing Clare uses the modern setting for is to introduce the Shadowhunter series to noobs. Which is fine for a series but after three, it gets tiresome. Also she picked the most stagnant and boring species out of the bunch.

Then there’s Sanderson, which I won’t compare Shadowhunters to the entire Cosmere because that’s unfair but I will compare it to Mistborn. In less than 200 years Henry Branwell made a few inventions like the portal and sensor; Clary made some new runes. So only Branwells can advance this society for some reason. In 300 years, Scadrial got cars, electricity, image projectors and fucking airships. I get that Shadowhunters really don’t like change but seriously all of humanity rests in their hands. I would want someone to create better ways of killing demons. Apparently witchlight can double as a power source so you can use it for computers and WiFi. Use that shit to make a car that works in Idris or some better tech. Find some better way to communicate to each other! That way the next genocidal maniac that Clary creates goes around to Institutes creating the next protagonists for another spin off series, you can warn people! Instead of relying on references to TID. This is why you’re always dying off, because you refuse to advance! This’ll be a never ending cycle of Shadowhunters using glow-y swords and arrows to kill all hell’s got to offer! Maybe this is all just a conspiracy and Clave has been stopping advancement in Shadowhunter society because once they defeat all the demons they’ll lose all their purpose in life.

One of the problems with Clare’s writing is that she often gives her main leads this amazing magical power that no else uses or can ever use. In 200 years or in the entire history of the world we never hear of another Warlock-Shadowhunter other than Tessa. And there will probably never be one because that’s what makes Tessa special. In Mistborn, the magic system is organically evolving. Throughout the first trilogy you always get new metals and new information about how the magic works is revealed. By Alloy of Law yes we have all 16 metals but we now discover that Mistborns don’t exist (which is a great way to keep any character from being too OP) but now there’s Twinborns. It’s a completely different type of magic user much like Tessa but Brandon expanded on that. Imagine the different types of Warlocks and Shadowhunter combos you could get and how that would manifest. Or how this would affect Shadowhunter society as a whole. Instead of Luke just becoming full on werewolf what if there was some sort of hybrid Werewolf-Shadowhunter. It’s the same with Twinborns. There’s so many combinations and possibilities for different powers. Then in Bands of Mourning there’s people being able to artificially give people powers. It’s so organic and just makes the world feel so much bigger because of how much you have to explore. The Shadowhunter magic never really evolves. It’s the same and once the main character uses their super-mega-ultra forms they got from the Angel to defeat the current bad guy threatening all of humanity, the power up just goes away. Like, you never want to see if other people can do that mega-awesome-thing? Why? Maybe they could use it to get rid of demons!

Then here’s my biggest grip with the Shadowhunters’ world: we’re never given an explanation on exactly the world works. I’m less invested in this world because I don’t feel like I can live there and then immediately die because I would not survive in any fantasy world. First is Idris: how does Idris get it’s food or clothing? Shadowhunter culture makes a big deal on how it’s shameful to not be anything but a demon hunter. But…y’gotta eat and someone has to make the sexy black leather you wear. Looking at the map there’s the lake, forest, plains and that’s all there is. Where are the farms? Are there Shadowhunter farmers? How are they treated? Or do they just rely on Warlocks to conjure it all up? Which Warlocks? Before the Accords did they just have Downworlder slaves do all this? If so then what happened after the Accords? And don’t give me that “well maybe it’ll be answered in a future book” or “it was answered in Lord of Shadows and/or Shadowhunter Academy” because it’s been 10 fucking books and a collection of short stories and Clare hasn’t given me the answers on how this society functions. I tried looking at Wiki but it was either such a throw away line that no one decided to put it or Clare hasn’t addressed it. Sanderson shows that worlds can distract from very glaring problems. I don’t expect to know exactly how the Cosmere functions because its not important at the moment, just like you don’t expect to know how Idris works in City of Bones. But after 11 books and still don’t know how anything works, I get frustrated and then I start getting annoyed at the other glaring problems. I know how the Camp Half-Blood functions. Mr. D grows strawberries, they harvest them, sell to them to the mortal world and get mortal money to pay for shit. Then golden drachmas are circulating around to buy magic stuff. Which also brings me to questions about the Institutes like: How do the Institutes have Mundane money? Is it the Clave that gets the money and then distributes it to the Institutes? How do they get the money? Do Shadowhunters really go out grocery shopping or does Idris just ship each institute supplies from wherever the fuck they get it? If so then how did they do that without the portal? How did they pay their Mundane servants back in the day? I go could go on the questions, Clare’s world just feel so small. Like nothing else is happening unless it’s relevant to the plot, while everything Sanderson creates such amazing worlds that you write…well a stupid post like this. It’s just there are so many unanswered questions that it becomes annoying.

Which is not to say that Sanderson never had this problem of not answering questions that probably should have been answered about the world. I can see myself beginning to lose my patience with getting answers to questions about the Cosmere, only to have new ones pop up. He has to walk that very fine line between leaving his audience wanting more without making them give up from frustration. While I didn’t hate it, Calamity left me with a lot more questions than answers. Yes, I know there are questions that are going to be answered later, especially around Calamity (the character) and I’m sure it’ll all make sense in about 10 years when we get Reckoners: Secret History or whatever. But there are questions that I feel should have been answered in this book and normally Brandon would but for some reason he didn’t. Like if Calamity made more Epics before he pissed off? Because if I were an Epic who went on a psychopathic rampage every time someone coughed in my direction, killed everyone I loved and random strangers and then suddenly snapped out of it; I would probably kill myself out of guilt. How exactly did other-universe David die exactly? I know it had something to do with Steelheart but how exactly? What’s it like for Firefight to come to our universe? Did Prof ever go to the other universe and say sorry to that Tia for killing her in our-universe? Could he just live there? Does Meg ever let him go there like she lets David see his dad? Why in this Earth do we have such piss-pour abilities to name shit? No, I’m not over how fucking stupid the name “Newcago” is. I’m actually glad Brandon didn’t attempt to name the two universes because they probably would have been stupid. Ultimately these questions are kind of annoying that I don’t have the answers to but I still know how this world functions. It was stated that the Epics leading their small territories in the…Fractured States (sigh) needed to have servants so they found some way to keep them alive. Yes it’s a “magic” answer but it works because you’ve got people who can come back from the dead and kill with bubbles. It doesn’t work with Shadowhunters because Shadowhunters don’t have magic and their better-than-you culture makes it hard for me to come up with any logical conclusion.

Ultimately Brandon Sanderson knows that if he can distract you enough with shiny bells and delicious cheese, he can get away with his repetitiveness that may be just slightly different. Clare seems perfectly fine with lazily not explaining a goddamn thing and just using whatever works over and over again with it being slightly different. That’s what it is. It’s lazy. Clare doesn’t seem to try. There’s no exploration it’s just a random girl who is super special and the entire universe revolves around her until the next protagonist comes along. Which makes me sad in the end. Oh well, at least I have the TV show to eventually catch up on. Despite my snarky commentary, Shadowhunters is actually gaining my respect by actually killing off characters that matter to Clary.

[snarktheater]

Shadowhunters S2 — Episode 3

So you remember how Alec is like…almost dead? Yeah, apparently we're milking an episode out of that. Because sure, why not, right?

So we open with Jace and Alec's first meeting as children. And I've gotta say, the child actor playing Jace manages to be he exact right amount of insufferable. Not that that's a particularly good thing.

"See, it's all about confidence. Once you believe you're the best…you'll be unstoppable."

Did you really just "you gotta believe!" us?

Back in the present, Isabelle took Alec to Magnus, because…of course she did, Magnus is everybody's lap dog. Although I guess he does have a personal stake here. Did he and Alec even determine what kind of relationship they had? Because considering we had an episode literally titled "Malec" where they kissed, I think it's kind of odd that I can't actually tell if they're a couple now.

Anyway, he can't do anything, because Alec's soul is lost somewhere in the parabatai bond or something. All they can do is have Jace bring back that piece of Alec's soul. So in other words: nothing.

Jace's plot line

Speaking of Jace, he washes up on shore, having lost his stele. Gretel, the lady werewolf Valentine killed last episode, is close to him, and of course a random passerby approaches and immediately assumes that Jace killed her, because…well, okay, that's probably he sanest reaction. So he's forced to run away.

And guess which police officer investigates the crime scene but Luke and Alaric themselves. Are they New York's only cops in charge of murders.

"She was a sweet kid." "No she wasn't. She was a giant pain in my ass."

You're really selling the idea that the wolf packs are a tight-knit family, aren't you?

The witness identified Jace pretty easily, but Luke decides to keep mundanes out of things and let the pack take care of it.

Back to Jace, who goes to…Chinatown, because that sounds like a good plan, going to the place you know is heavily frequented by people you've just made yourself an enemy of. You know, werewolves.

Speaking of werewolves, guess who's the barista in the random bar Jace enters? It's Maia! Hello, Maia! Admittedly, this is also how they met in the books, but you'd think this is the sort of thing they would improve upon in adaptation, not keep intact. Especially since Maia was an established member of Luke's pack already, whereas here, she clearly isn't.

Also, this Maia is just very eager to hear how Jace ended up looking like he just got dumped into the river, because…I guess we're chucking out the window the part where she intuitively mistrusted Jace for reminding him of the abusers in her life (and with good reason, shall I remind you). She even gives him a drink and phone on the house.

Alec's plot line

Well, it's the plot line that happens around Alec, anyway.

So Clary…somehow came back to the Institute already! I guess it didn't matter as much to show her struggle after jumping into the ocean as it did Jace. She asks to see Isabelle, and while Jocelyn does tell her what happened, she's not allowed to see her. Jocelyn is the one who goes instead.

"Oh, good. Clary's safe. We can all go home now."

Thanks Magnus for having the one reasonable reaction in this crew: sarcasm. And calling out Jocelyn for wiping out Clary's memories and putting Alec's life in danger.

As for Clary herself, she gets interrogated/debriefed by Aldertree. Turns out they found Valentine's ship in the East River, already abandoned, so I guess Clary's stunt somehow cost them their ship.

"If you have any information about Valentine…about Jace…you need to tell me."

But no, this is Clary fucking Fray, so she just pretends like she doesn't remember anything of her time on Valentine's ship. Even though the truth would actually help Jace's case, since he turned on Valentine and escaped with her. Even Aldertree offering to guarantee Jace's safety in exchange for her cooperation, on record, doesn't work.

And before you ask (like I almost did): yes, she does in fact remember what happened. She's just lying because she arbitrarily doesn't trust Aldertree. Instead she tells Isabelle, because she's totally going to help much more.

Isabelle expositions that Jace is still blocking attempts to track him down…even though he doesn't have his stele anymore. Luckily, Jace calls her from Maia's bar, so they can tell him he needs to come back to the Institute to save Alec. Oh, but don't worry, our protagonists are still horrible people.

"Okay, I'll get there." "But you can't. The Clave still wants you dead."

Priorities, Clary. Save the actually dying person and then try to prevent the other guy from getting killed by people who likely won't even try if he surrenders.

But no, they set a rendezvous at Magnus's place. Isabelle plans to have Magnus open a Portal under the guise of taking Alec to her parents in Idris, and take it to Magnus's place instead to meet Jace. But first, Simon calls Clary! More on that in that subplot, all that matters for now is Clary's out.

Oh but wait, we need more of adults being useless. So Aldertree refuses to let Alec be transferred via Portal, because he wants Alec to be bait for Jace. Oh, the drama!

After another flashback to teenage Alec and Jace just before they got their parabatai runes, Magnus magically beats up the guard Aldertree left, who, to be fair, was threatening to "remove" Magnus from the Institute. Which is weird, since he is keeping Alec alive, even if he's not curing him. But hey, Adults Are Useless, as I just said.

Aldertree shows up again, and expresses regret about losing Alec, since he's one of their best. But he's still mostly here to gloat and/or be suspicious of Isabelle, don't worry, we wouldn't want him to show an actual shred of humanity.

"So confident. Almost too confident."

Turns out, Magnus already took Alec with him, while Isabelle stayed with the knocked-out guard glamoured as Alec. Considering Aldertree saw right through it…what even was the point of the charade? Why not just leave altogether?

Aldertree tells Isabelle about how Jace has allegedly killed a werewolf and Luke's pack is closing in on him, so she gives away his location to Aldertree in the hopes that she can be allowed to go and rescue them all.

Meanwhile, Magnus is watching over Alec, angsting about how he's "tried everything…except…", which is just an excuse to have Magnus kiss Alec. And that's…a little creepy, guys. As I mentioned, we don't even know the status of their relationship yet.

Cut to another flashback, just before the parabatai ceremony, where Alec gets cold feet and confesses to Isabelle about being in love with Jace, just so she can tell him he'll find love eventually with someone who'll actually love him back. Gee, I wonder what she's foreshadowing.

Jace's plot line, part two

So Jace now has an objective. Cue some random obstacle, like Maia guilt-tripping him into helping Gretel's godfather, since Gretel was kidnapped by the Circle and Maia doesn't know Jace was involved.

"You have something better to do?"

I mean, yes, actually? Of course, explaining that would require honesty, and that's something Jace is incapable of. I feel like the show is trying to push Maia into the "angry black woman" stereotype, by having her throw criticism of Shadowhunter inaction at Jace, which in this specific instance isn't quite justified. But hey, I'm sure it's a total coincidence!

Oh wait, it gets stupider. The godfather in question? He actually recognizes Jace! Cue the werewolves teaming up on him while poor, saintly Jace lets himself get beat up for a moment, because…I don't know, redemption or something. It's not like he actually did kidnap the girl and allowed her to die or anything, right?

Jace runs away, but Luke is hot on his trail now, with Maia and the other werewolf telling Luke he was at the bar. (Also, for some reason, Luke is using a sketch of Jace. Doesn't he have any pictures by now?) Also, Maia and the other guy want to kill Jace now.

"This is not a democracy. Nobody kills anybody until I say so."

Wait, so…Maia is part of Luke's pack? What?

Well, anyway, she tracks Jace down in spite of Luke's orders, and the only thing that saves his ass is that he collapses from his injuries in front of mundanes, so Maia can't kill him in front of all these people. On the other hand, we get more ~drama!~, since now Jace is taken to a mundane hospital.

The nurse actually figures out there's something wrong with him, but before she can run tests (…for what, magic?), Luke shows up, prompting Jace to escape. Because I guess he's miraculously recovered. Unfortunately (well…I think), the nurse catches him on his way out, alerting Maia, who…shifts in the middle of a hospital. Because hey, why not, right? Let's turn the abuse victim who was rightfully weary of but still relatively nice to Jace into a bloodthirsty, revenge-driven woman who's hellbent on killing someone based on hearsay and circumstantial evidence! That's totally not forcing some pretty uncomfortable implications on her as a woman of color and a Downworlder, right?

Jace is saved by Jocelyn, who…I guess was looking for him? How convenient.

"Alec needs you, I'm here to help." "Like you did last time, when you shot an arrow at my head?"

Well to be fair I would have done the same thing.

"Jonathan…" "It's Jace!"

Wait, didn't you let Valentine call you Jonathan? Why is it an issue with her? Is it because you're just a moody teen pretending to be an adult?

Well, she does apologize, but Jace refuses her help anyway, because he's fucking Jace. God, I hate this character so much. I almost forget sometimes until shit like this happens.

Simon's subplot

Remember that Simon has a family? No? Well, me neither! But suddenly his mom has left voice mails on his phone because she suddenly realized he was missing. He calls her, asking if he can drop by to visit her.

But before he can do that, Raphael shows up again to bully Simon into finding Camille some more.

"You know, if you spent the amount of time looking for Camille that you spend telling me to look for her, you'd probably find her by now." […] "I've got the whole clan searching, but she's your sire." "But there are others, right? I can't be the most qualified vampire Camille's turned."

Well…no, but they're all loyal to her, apparently. And…what, no one can find Camille unless they were sired by her? What about the fact that Simon did a really shitty job of it so far, does it count for nothing?

Raphael tells him to forget about his family, because he's a vampire now, and…yeah, sure, whatever you say, dude. So he does go home, and finds that her mom's been drinking. Did we establish that that was an issue? Because it doesn't sound familiar at all.

But no, apparently it is, since he immediately calls Clary and they both have a "oh no" reaction to it. Also, he can't reach her. So Clary comes and uses a tracking rune to find Simon's mom, with Simon angsting that it's all his fault and he should have checked in on her, leading to Clary telling him he should tell her that he's a vampire. Because she's his mom and she loves him.

Fun fact: Simon even uses the phrase "come out of the coffin", and I suddenly realize that the Shadowhunter books have a more nuanced portrayal of coming out to prejudiced parents with Simon's mom than they do with Alec himself. Sigh.

Will the show do something equally bad? Let's find out, because they do find Simon's mom, and Simon does decide to tell her about it, and Clary leaves him to do so so she can return to the main plot. The answer is…

"There's something I need to tell you. About where I've been, and who I am." "It's all right. I know."

Ha, you thought she was gonna say she thinks he's gay, didn't you? Because they totally set up that trope? Well, nope, apparently Raphael passed as his band manager and told her they were going on tour, which was Simon's initial plan. But oh no, now he doesn't get to be honest with her! What a terrible fate!

Oh, also, Simon's mom tells Raphael he's welcome to come by any time.

"To your home? Well that's a love invitation."

Wait…do vampires in this world even need to be invited somewhere? I wasn't aware that was part of the mythos in Shadowhunters-verse.

Except we…immediately cut to Simon saying he canceled the tour and will move back in soon, so…what was the point of Raphael's intervention?

The wrap-up

Yeah, at some point I can't just separate things into neat plot lines, can I?

So, Isabelle calls Clary right after she leaves Simon limbo, to warn her about the impending werewolf attack, and tell her that the Clave might not get there on time…even though they have a Portal. Um, what? This is made even weirder by the fact that Clary has time to run over to Luke and plead with him to call off the manhunt. All in less time than it takes to take a Portal. You guys suck.

Well, Luke can't call his pack off, because they have a code. A code that tells them to kill someone without absolute certainty of guilt, I guess. You're not making a good case against Valentine's anti-Downworlder stance, you know.

Maia finds Jace, along with a few more werewolves, forcing him to beg for her to let him help Alec first, and then he'll let her kill him if she wants.

"Well I wish I could, but…it's them you'll have to convince."

We'll mark that down as a "maybe", then?

Luke and Clary show up just in time for Clary to tell everyone what really happened with Gretel. It doesn't work, but Isabelle also shows up. Because by God, someone has to be badass around here.

So with the combined authority of the Clave and Luke, Maia is forced to stand down and Jace can come to Alec's rescue. They have a pretty ceremony that mirrors the parabatai ceremony, complete with pretending like it failed, but of course it doesn't and Alec comes back. Yay.

Oh, and Jace gets arrested by Aldertree, I guess. What a horror.

And…wow, this is an actual train wreck of an episode. I mean, first of all, for a conflict centered around Alec, you'd think there would be more development for him than…stating what we already know (i.e. he's gay and was in love with Jace). Simon's subplot is just as much of a plague on the show as…well, his subplot in season one was, honestly. And Maia's introduction? Boy, way to make her as unlikable as possible. She's basically on par with, say, Raphael or Camille: a Downworlder, mean, unreasonable, and violent. That alone is already wrong on many levels, but it's kind of upsetting with a major good guy like Maia.