#i ended the year so bad on god 2021 will be good and full of positive i swear it

[imaginespazzi]

Part 3: Shades of Grey

Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

That's the thing about illicit affairs (they lie and they lie and they lie)

(In which a masochistic writer makes things difficult for herself and makes things even messier than they were before)

Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd

Themes: Angst, Pining, a little bit of Hurt/Comfort and Fluff as always

Words: 7.2K (nice and short as always)

TW: Explicit Sexual Content (MINORS DNI), Swearing, Cheating

A/N: Hello my lovelies <3 I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of sticking to my deadlines, who woulda thunk it? Fun fact, I'm at ~ 50 google-doc pages with this fic and despite my constant "trying to write less" rants, I'm actually lowkey proud of that. Anyways, there's a pretty clear hint (I am not a subtle person) as to why what happens at the end happens and if you pick up on it, I promise it'll save you from losing your minds till I write part 4. Also a couple of logistical details about the Cayman Islands are probably off but it's what worked so it's what I did, just pretend lol. Per usual, I did edit, there's probably still typos any way, feel free to point them out. And as always, let me know what you liked, what you didn't and what you'd like to see in the future. Happy reading and have a wonderful rest of your week lovelies!

August 2021

The fight was inevitable but neither of them can tell you what really lit the flame. One second they had been fine (well as fine as two girls who knew tonight was their last night in a while could be), the next they were hurling bullets at each other. There’s a subconscious part of Azzi’s brain that tells her to grab Paige and duck for cover, to preserve whatever little bit of friendship they can. But her whole body vibrates with anger as Paige’s words crash around her like a tsunami, drowning out the good angel on her shoulder that’s pleading with her to stop. 

“It’s a good thing really. You and your non-existent nerves would have never survived playing for UConn,” Paige sneers, and that mean smirk on her face just doesn’t quite fit right, “I don’t know what I was thinking with that honestly. You’re not built like that.”

Azzi flinches, eyes blazing, “some of us want to be more than just another good UConn player.”

“That’s what all the people not good enough to play for UConn say,” Paige retorts bitterly and Azzi doesn’t think she knows this girl standing in front of her, one whose words are aimed to make her cry instead of laugh. 

“Not good enough and yet you still wanted me on your team.”

“Nah you know what, my bad, I didn’t realise you’d fucking stab me in the back like that, ” Paige hisses, “you’re a fake as fuck friend and you’d probably make a shit teammate.”

Azzi’s never had a heart attack. She doesn’t even fully think she knows what a heart attack really is. But she’s certain this pain in her chest can’t possibly be anything less than one. It starts at her heart and then spreads to her lungs and then floods through her body, until she can’t move, she can’t breathe. 

“You don’t mean that,” she whispers. 

Paige hesitates, as if suddenly aware of the fragility of the moment, her voice considerably softer when she speaks but she doesn’t take it back, “ real friends choose each other.”

“Oh my god,” Azzi laughs, it’s the worst thing she could do in the moment and Paige’s eyes flash with anger, “you’re so fucking full of yourself.”

“Watch your fucking mouth-”

“Don’t you even dare. You say all that shit to me and now you can’t hear some of it back? Contrary to what you might think Paige, my whole life doesn’t revolve around you. My decision for where to spend the next four fucking years, does not revolve around you,” Azzi’s voice rises with each word. 

Fighting is cathartic in a way. They’ve spent almost a year delicately tip-toeing around the subject, growing further and further apart and yet still holding on for dear life. And Azzi doesn’t want to let go, but everything feels burning hot, and her hands are starting to blister. 

“Oh you’ve made that very clear,” Paige bites back, “you’ve made it very clear just how little I mean to you.”

“Because I chose a different school? That’s all it took Paige, seriously? That’s all it took for you to call our friendship fake?”

“No what it took Azzi was you being a fucking liar.”

“I didn’t lie about anything.”

Paige scoffs, her voice taking on a pitchy mocking tone, “ ‘I’d love to play with you Paige’, ‘being on the same team would be nice P’,  all of that fucking bullshit when you didn’t mean any of it.”

“Oh we’re playing that game,” Azzi seethes, “how about ‘Az I’d support you no matter what’ huh? Where did all of that go?”

“Maybe if you didn’t make stupid decisions then.”

“No, actually choosing not to play with you might have been my smartest decision yet,” as soon as the words are out, there’s a part of Azzi that wishes she could wrench them back in. 

“Right,” Paige’s voice is eerily quiet now, “well I hope that works out well for you then. Go to UCLA Azzi, have a great fucking life and stay the fuck away from mine.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Azzi takes a cautious step towards the blonde and almost immediately, Paige steps backwards, her expression suddenly blank. The change to indifference is somehow worse than the previous malice, “Paige-”

“Fuck this, I’m going home,” Paige says resolutely, her fingers fidgeting with themselves as she reaches for her phone and wallet. 

“We need to talk this out, we need to try and fix this,” Azzi all but pleads, trying to position herself in front of the persistent older girl who’s trying to make her way to the door. 

“I don’t know if I want to fucking fix this,” Paige yells, shaking away Azzi’s hand on her shoulder, “I don’t know if it’s worth it,” her voice breaks as she says the next words, “I don’t even think  I wanna be friends.”

When Azzi’s 14, Paige Bueckers dribbles through a USA basketball camp court straight into her life and teaches her all about how one person can come into your life and carve out a permanent shelf. When Azzi’s 16, Paige’s casual smiles and not-so-insignificant touches teach her all about the complicated space in-between just friends and something more. When Azzi’s 18, Paige says those words, ones that sound a lot like giving up, and teaches Azzi that sometimes in life, even the people you thought would never make you feel this way, are the ones who'll break you the most. And that’s the day Azzi makes a promise to herself that she’ll never give someone that part of herself again, unaware that when she’s 20, Paige will teach her that some promises are meant to be broken. 

***

July 2023

Azzi doesn’t know what god she pissed off to get herself into this position, stuck in a booth with Zoe on one side and Paige on the other. Her girlfriend’s left hand is placed firmly on her thigh and Azzi has to fight the vehement urge to shake it away because Zoe’s normally soft, sweet touch feels itchy and heavy. But the way Paige’s biceps are pressed against hers might be even worse. Every time the blonde moves a little, the sliding of her smooth skin against Azzi’s arms, sends a jolt of electricity through her veins. And Azzi doesn’t know when she became that girl, the girl who already has someone to hold her but is desperately craving somebody else’s touch. 

When people’s girlfriends surprise them with an unexpected visit, the appropriate reaction is to be overwhelmed with happiness. Except since she’d met her, Azzi’s summers have always belonged to Paige. With them having lived in separate states most of their lives, it was the one time they got to be with each other for an extended period of time. It was an unspoken rule really, one that they had subconsciously still followed the year before when Azzi had shown up at Paige’s door, even if they’d only gotten the last couple of weeks of the season; summer was theirs. So, when Zoe had shown up that afternoon with a bright smile and shining eyes, all Azzi had been able to register was a sense of loss as Paige pulled her hand out of Azzi’s. 

Introductions had been somewhat awkward. Her parents knew of Zoe, but hadn’t met her yet. They were nice of course, her dad pulling the shorter girl into one of his bear hugs and her mom giving her a warm smile. Jon and José were more awkward, nodding their greetings but making no move to actually welcome her. Paige had managed to muster up a smile, one that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and shake the other girl’s outstretched hand. And then there was Drew, whose normally goofy smile seemed to have disappeared. 

“Who are you?” the young boy had asked quizzically, his eyebrows crinkling together. 

“Oh umm, I’m uh- Azzi’s girlfriend,” Zoe had replied, the last word causing Paige to involuntarily flinch. 

Drew had looked over to Azzi then, his eyes wide and accusing, “you can’t be Azzi’s girlfriend.”

“Is that so?” Zoe hummed, clearly not taking him seriously. 

“It is,” Drew had said petulantly, ignoring Paige’s warning squeeze, “she’s Paige’s.”

The silence after had been deafening, as Azzi tried to stop herself from choking on air. Eventually Paige had regained her senses first, apologising for her younger brother’s lack of filter (“he says stupid things all the time”) and then Azzi’s dad had swooped in before things could possibly get any more awkward, proposing that they all go out to dinner. And that’s how Azzi has ended up here, shuffled in a booth, opposite her parents, with Paige on one side and Zoe on the other. Life really and truly isn’t on her side these days. 

“So girls, what are y’all pizza orders?” Tim asks jovially. Azzi’s brothers and Drew, desperate to go enjoy the sun (and avoid Zoe), had already told them their orders before zooming to the park right outside the restaurant. 

“Oh uh- Az you wanna share a Margherita pizza?”

“Azzi and I’ll just have our usual.”

It’s as if the world wants Azzi to suffer as both Zoe and Paige immediately look at her expectantly. The girl in question keeps her eyes focused on the menu in front of her, unsure how to best handle this predicament by doing anything other than maybe just running out of the restaurant. 

“What’s your usual?” Zoe asks, her voice all curiosity and no ill-intent. 

“Grilled chicken and bacon with spinach and onions.”

“But Azzi doesn’t like onions, she says they make-”

“They make her breath smell I know,” there’s a hard edge to Paige’s voice, “but she-”

“She can’t pick them off. She can’t pick anything off of her pizza because it takes-”

“It takes the cheese off, I know that too. That’s not what I was going to say. She doesn’t eat them because she thinks they make her breath smell but she does like them. It’s just-,” Paige’s eyes flare with mischief, “she only eats them around people who are close to her. Guess you’re not quite there yet.”

Since Azzi had mustered up the courage to finally tell Paige about Zoe, right before summer break started, Paige had been nothing but respectful, supportive even. Until tonight apparently and Azzi doesn’t even know to react to the fact that her best friend has started a pissing contest over fucking onions. 

“Right,” Zoe bites her lips, her ever-present smile slipping slightly as she slowly pries the menu out of Azzi’s hands and looks at her with hopefully eyes, “but we’ll get the Margherita tonight babe?”

“I-” and Azzi really should say yes, side with Zoe like the good girlfriend she is, except, well, all she can think about is that Paige hasn’t smiled since the California girl had arrived in D.C., “I think um- I’ll stick to my usual Zo, I’m sorry.”

She’s a terrible girlfriend, because immediately Zoe’s smile fades, and Azzi barely notices it, too busy watching Paige’s grin light up her face. Her baby blue eyes sparkle as if she’s won some important battle and it’s not even dark yet, but Azzi swears it feels like the stars have come out. 

“Okay,” Tim says slowly, looking between the three younger girls, as he waives over the waitress, “if that’s decided then.”

The issue with Paige being pretty, is that nobody’s really immune to it, including the cheerful waitress that practically skips over to serve them. Her eyes glaze over a little bit as they roam across the blonde’s face and then to her arms before drifting down to her torso. Paige’s tank top doesn’t leave much to the imagination, exposing both her muscled biceps and toned torso and Azzi doesn’t need an x-ray to know the widely appropriate thoughts going through the waitress’s head. The feral roar of mine takes birth in her stomach and the quieting whisper of she’s not does little to subdue it. 

“I’m Libby,” the waitress says, tongue darting across her lips, eyes solely focused on Paige, “and I’ll be your server today.”

Libby collects orders dutifully, polite and agreeable, but doesn’t once fully look away from the blonde, practically drooling once she finally gets to her, “and what can I get for you to drink babe?” 

Azzi’s not sure whether it’s the sultry tone or the nickname that gets Paige’s attention, but all of a sudden her best friend is staring up at the waitress with her own flirty smile. She likes to think she’s not a particularly violent person, but Azzi thinks she might end up in jail for homicide tonight. 

“Well babe,” Paige winks, Azzi wants to die, “what would you recommend?”

Libby smirks, clearly feeling triumphant as she leans on the table, one hand reaching out to brush Paige’s forearm, “sex on the beach.”

Several things happen at once. Tim chokes on a breadstick. Katie immediately thumps him on the back. Zoe lets out a laugh. Azzi’s nails break the skin of her palm, drawing blood as she fists both of hands. And then-

“She has a girlfriend,” it’s a blatantly untrue but all Azzi can think about is stopping this  random girl from eye-fucking her Paige. It does the trick, Libby’s eyes go comically wide, as she steps back from the table, from Paige. 

“She does?” Tim asks. Next to him, Katie, shoots her daughter a knowing look that veers on the edge of disappointment. 

Azzi stutters under the heat of Paige’s glare, the blonde clearly unamused by her lie, “I uh- I mean um- it’s not official but um yeah,” she doesn’t even sound convincing to herself, “I’m uh- I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

She practically shoves Paige out of the booth so she can climb out of it herself, adrenaline pumping through her veins. Her heart hammers in her chest and she tries to block out the sound of Paige’s being questioned by her dad, as she rushes into the restroom. 

There’s no amount of water she could splash on her face to make this heat go away, but she tries anyway, unsure of when the tap water starts to blend in with the tears streaming down her face. The unsettling anger of how dare she flirt with another girl beating in her heart is replaced by the guilt of i’m not allowed to feel this way thrashing around her rib cage. It hurts all the same, as Azzi clutches her chest, trying to even out her breathing.

She doesn’t hear the door open or close until, “What the fuck was that?”

“Get out,” Azzi whispers, closing her eyes and leaning her head on the mirror, “just give me a second okay?”

“Oh no, no, no, you owe me a huge fucking explanation right now,” Paige hisses, “what the fuck was that bullshit? I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“It was a joke-” before Azzi can even finish the sentence, there’s a hand on her biceps, forcing her to turn around. When she opens her eyes, Paige’s face is far too close to her own and when she tries to move back, she’s trapped with the cool edge of the sink. It’s too much, the proximity, the tension, the lingering touch of Paige’s fingers curled around her arm. 

“Stop lying,” Paige bites out. 

“It just slipped out babe,” and fuck, Azzi absolutely hadn’t meant to add that last part, hadn’t meant to make it so obvious what exactly had triggered her little outburst. Realisation flashes across Paige’s face, as she takes a step back, letting go of Azzi, and the distance should be freeing, but instead it just makes her feel lost.  

“That’s what this is about?” the blonde asks in disbelief. 

“Yes- no- I don’t know, okay,” Azzi’s voice is high-pitched, “I’m sorry okay. I’ll tell the waitress it was a joke,” she lets out a humourless laugh, “I didn’t mean to fucking cockblock you.”

“Cockblock me? Dude I wasn’t trying to fuck the waitress what the fuck?”

“Could’ve fooled me babe,” Azzi sneers. 

Something menacing flashes in Paige’s eyes, “stop calling me that.”

“What? You don’t like me calling you babe. You didn’t seem to have a problem when it was her.” 

“Oh my fucking god Azzi,” Paige throws her hands up, “you don’t get to do this. Not when your girlfriend is sitting right there.”

The reminder of Zoe is like being splashed with cold water and Azzi feels everything inside of her freeze. She grips the edge of the sink, trying to find some semblance of balance as Paige continues to glare at her. 

“For the past few hours, I have had to hear your girlfriend call you every fucking nickname in the book. I have had to watch her kiss you and move your hair back and grip your fucking knee under the table,” with every sentence, Paige inches closer and closer, until she’s accentuating every word by pushing her index finger into Azzi’s chest, “and you can’t even fucking deal with me calling some other girl babe?”

“Paige,” Azzi whispers when Paige’s voice breaks on the last word. Their faces are so close, she can feel the other girl’s uneven breathing all over her skin. And it takes everything in her to not cave in and reach a hand out to caress away the tear that's threatening to fall from the blonde’s tearline. 

“It’s been hell Azzi,” Paige spits out, “so you don’t get to be upset if I want to fuck someone-”

Something snaps and before Paige can complete the offending sentence, before she can imprint an image that will forever haunt Azzi’s mind, Azzi silences all the warning bells of why she really shouldn’t, and pulls her best friend into a searing kiss. Immediately, Paige’s hands come to rest against Azzi’s hips, pressing her firmly against the edge of the sink. It’s as if they’re trying to meld their bodies together, both of them gripping each other as close as possible. Outside, it’s a summer evening of clear blue skies, but here in this random restaurant restroom, lightning strikes.

Paige bites at Azzi’s bottom lip and then traces her tongue over the bruise she’s created, smirking when it elicits a gasp from the younger girl. Lips still firmly moving against Azzi’s, her hands work expertly on the buttons of Azzi’s tight shorts. The sensation of everything Paige is all-consuming and Azzi feels like she’s drunk on the taste of her best friend’s skin, as she moves away from Paige’s lips, to pepper kisses on her neck, before moving down to suck a mark into her collarbone. Mine, mine, mine. 

“Fuck Az,” Paige moans when Azzi’s teeth grate against her skin and it’s the brunette’s turn to smirk. But her cockiness is short-lived when Paige’s fingers finally find their way into her now unbuttoned shorts. They press down on her clit through her underwear, making her whine. 

A cry of “Paige,” escapes her lips when the blonde slides Azzi’s panties to the side, her middle and index finger beginning to rub circles around the younger girl’s clit in a tantalisingly slow rhythm. 

“So wet, so fucking wet for me,” Paige’s voice is wrecked with want, as she brings her free hand to cup Azzi’s jaw, forcing her best friend to look her in the eyes. It scares Azzi, the sheer amount of emotion she can see swirling in the blonde’s eyes. There’s lust and then there’s something else, another l-word that she can’t bring herself to acknowledge, knowing it’ll ruin her, ruin them. 

“Please,” Azzi whispers against Paige’s mouth, as the older girl’s fingers slip from her clit to tease against her soaking entrance, dipping into her folds but not giving her what she wants. 

“If you want something baby,” Paige traces Azzi’s lips with her thumb, “you have to ask for it.”

Azzi's hands moved away from where they had been firmly gripping Paige’s waist, to wrap around her neck. She bites softly against Paige’s left earlobe, eliciting a low groan, before bringing her lips as close to the blonde’s ears as she can, “I want you to fuck me.”

It’s all it takes, Paige finally gives Azzi what her body’s so desperately craving, for far longer than she’s willing to admit, pumping two fingers into her pussy, while her thumb stimulates her clit. And fuck, Paige knows exactly what she’s doing, fingers curling in the exact right spots and Azzi feels like she’s floating or flying or falling, maybe all of the above. 

“Please, please, please,” Azzi babbles incoherently, burying her face in the crevice of Paige’s neck, tears beginning to blur her vision. Because, it’s too much, the ecstasy, the fact that it’s Paige behind the ecstasy, the fact that this is better than her wildest fantasies. 

“Doing so good for me baby,” Paige praises, fingers starting to move faster, “taking my fingers so fucking well Az, think you can handle one more?”

Azzi whines in response. Paige pushes in a third finger, both of them letting out identical sighs of pleasure. She’s slow for a second, giving Azzi time to adjust but-

“Fuck, Paige, faster, please,” the younger girls moans, grinding fervently, desperately,  against Paige’s fingers, trying to create more fiction. 

“Anything for you Az,” Paige whispers, and even in the high of the moment, Azzi knows those words are about more than sex, “whatever you want.”

As Paige’s fingers begin to move at a rapid pace, curling around her g-spot, over and over and over, Azzi can feel that familiar pressure building in her stomach. Her fingers claw at Paige’s neck in warning, too worked up for words. Paige nudge’s Azzi’s face out of her neck, free hand cupping the younger girl's jaw. 

“Come apart for me baby,” she whispers before pressing their lips together. 

Azzi’s hips stutter as her orgasm rolls all over her, pussy clenching around Paige’s fingers, as she moans into the older girl's mouth. Spent, her body goes limp, her best friend’s  firm grip pressing her against the edge of the sink, the only thing anchoring her and keeping her uprights. Paige slowly pulls her fingers out of Azzi’s pants and the loss of contact feels wrong. It’s instinct really, as Azzi reaches for Paige’s hand and brings it up to her mouth, sucking each of the older girl’s fingers clean one by one, and it’s worth it for the way Paige looks wrecked. 

“Az-” she begins softly, eyes filled with questions but before Azzi can even think about any answers- 

“Azzi,” reality crashes and burns around the two girls as Zoe’s voice calls out for her girlfriend. The sound of footsteps gets closer and closer. Panic takes the place of pleasure as Paige and Azzi jump apart from each other and the realisation of their surroundings hits both of them at the same time. Sweat sheens against Paige’s collarbone and Azzi’s lips are bruised, her eyes still glazy. Their identical dishevelled demeanour gives away far too much. Just as the restroom door creaks open a little, Azzi dives into one of the stalls. 

“Oh, hey Paige,” guilt pools in Azzi’s stomach at the sound of Zoe’s innocent voice, as she presses her ear against the stall door,  “is Azzi in here? She’s been gone for like 20 minutes.”

“She- she was,” Paige stutters, and Azzi hates herself even more for putting her best friend in this position, “I-uh I think she um- she wanted some fresh air.”

“Ah okay, I’ll go try and find her,” Zoe pauses, “are you okay? You look a little flustered.”

“Me? Oh yeah, I’m fine,” Paige assures in a high-pitched voice, “just uh miss my girlfriend you know.”

Azzi flinches at the lie. She’d made such a fucking mess today. The lying, the cheating, all of it was so out of character and all of a sudden, she feels dirty. Tears brim in her eyes as she begins to process the gravity of what she’d done. And perhaps the worst part of it, is that she can’t find it in herself to fully regret it. If she could turn back time, she doesn’t know if she’d do anything different. Because when it comes to Paige, Azzi’s fine living in shades of grey. 

“Yeah, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend,” Zoe says slowly. 

There’s a pause and Azzi knows the words neither did I are floating in Paige's mind before she answers, “yeah, it’s uh- it’s new.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you,” the sincerity in Zoe’s words hit like stones, rupturing whatever built up image of i am a good person Azzi had ever had of herself

“Thank you,” Paige replies quietly. 

“It just-,” Zoe draws in a breath, “Azzi she- she worries about you a lot you know. Even before- you know- when you guys weren’t- you know? Like I think she thinks about you a lot,” there’s an unmistakable wistfulness in Zoe’s voice, “ like- if you’re doing okay and all that. And I don’t- I don’t even know you but I know she wants you to be happy- and- and I want whatever Azzi wants- so- so if you’re happy- that’s good.”

“That’s- that’s really sweet of you,” Paige sounds as guilty as Azzi feels.

There’s quiet for a minute until, “do you think I make her happy? Does she- does she talk about me?”

Zoe’s voice is laced in insecurity and hopefulness and Azzi wishes she’d never brought this girl into her mess in the first place. The sun-kissed Californian had been a classmate who had accidentally stumbled upon Azzi mid-breakdown on a random Thursday. One second she was hesitant, the next she was spilling her woes to a stranger, tired of holding it in. And from then on Zoe had been on a mission to just be there. She’d never hidden her intention, always clear that she wanted more than friendship and Azzi, despite knowing that her heart didn’t really have space for anyone else, had let her loneliness be her guide and given in to the urge to just let someone hold her. But the truth is that while every other second spent with Zoe was filled with mentions of Paige’s name, every moment spent with Paige was never about anything else other than her. 

“She- she does, she seems happy,” Paige can’t bring herself to say the with you. The blonde sounds defeated, as if the admission that Azzi could possibly be happy with someone else has taken everything out of her. 

“Good, it means a lot,” Zoe’s voice is lighter now, like there’s a smile hidden in it, “especially from you. Thank you. I’ll uh- I’ll go see if I can find her.”

Azzi waits for the sound of footsteps shuffling and then the sound of the door clicking behind Zoe, before prying herself out of the stall. Paige is hunched over the sink, face buried in her hands. And the words my fault, my fault, my fault imprint themselves all over Azzi’s heart. 

“Your girlfriend’s looking for you,” Paige says, not bothering to look up. 

“Paige I-”

“Just go Azzi, we’ll just” Paige scoffs, “we’ll just play pretend again,” the walls are up again and Paige is unreachable in her castle built from the ashes of the purity in their friendship that they’d just sacrified for a fucking quickie in a barely-lit restroom. And maybe Azzi should say something, maybe she should stay and see if she can fight her way into Paige’s castle. But Azzi’s no knight in shining armour, not Paige’s, not Zoe’s, not anybody else’s because knights don’t cheat and they don’t lie and they don’t break people’s hearts. So she listens to what her best friend says, she walks out, and she pretends she doesn’t hear the sob that’s let out behind her. 

***

November 2023

UCLA is up on UConn, it should be a pretty momentous occasion and it is. Azzi’s had one of the best games of her career to get her team mere seconds away from getting their first win over the powerhouse. For UConn, so has Paige, except there’s nothing but frustration gleaming in the blonde’s face. The game had been bad for UConn, the cracks created by injuries on full display. And the competitor in Azzi was more than happy to take advantage of that. But the part of her that was Paige’s best friend was stuck on how tired Paige looked. Someone fucking help her, Azzi had thought throughout the game, she literally just came back from injury. 

The outcome of the game is clear and Azzi’s already on the bench getting rest, cheering for her own team of course, but keeping a subtle eye on what’s happening with Paige. Azzi’s eyes follow Paige as she’s finally subbed out. The older girl walks to the end of her own bench, hands coming to rest on her thighs as she hangs her head, face scrunched up in irritation. Paige does that thing where it's like she’s trying to bite of all the skin on her lips and Azzi has the familiar urge to march over and make her stop, preferably by kissing her, not that that’s a thought she’s allowed to have. 

It’s ironic really, the 2,943 miles that had once been the reason they’d fallen apart, is the only thing holding them together. Being out of each other’s reach makes it easier to ignore what had happened over the summer, makes it easier to not give into that same vice all over again. And it makes sense, Azzi thinks, because since she’s met her, whenever Paige had just been a blurry goofy face on her screen, they’d been good at the just friends thing. The moment they could touch though, that’s when lines got blurry. As much as Azzi’s not sure how she survived a year without Paige, she’s even less sure about how she’d survived that one year where they’d practically lived in each other’s skins. 

Things in the handshake line are somewhat icy with both teams being overprotective of their star players. Muhl’s eyes are full of disdain once she reaches Azzi and Arnold barely shakes her hand, only doing as much as she has to, to keep up appearance. Azzi’s teammates aren’t any better, Angelica smiles at everyone until she reaches Paige, and Kiki rolls her eyes at the point guard. But it doesn’t matter what anybody else does, not when Paige practically falls into Azzi’s arms, her tense body finally beginning to relax a little. 

“You did good,” Azzi whispers into the blonde’s hair, tightening her hold on the other girl as she soothingly strokes her back.

Paige scoffs, burying her face further into Azzi’s neck, “you did good, I did what I had to.”

They break apart reluctantly, the shutter of cameras ruining the intimacy of the moment. Their hands hold on a touch longer but the minute they finally slip away from each other, the familiar feeling of i’m tired of missing you that seems to always be lingering within Azzi, prickles against her heart. 

*** 

UConn and UCLA don’t have a rivalry but if you were sat at the hotel restaurant in the Cayman Islands on a lovely November evening, you wouldn’t know that. There’s multiple women’s basketball teams present at the restaurant and everyone’s mingling with each other but the Bruins and Huskies seem determined to avoid each other at all costs. At one point, Angelica and Muhl, of course it would be them, accidentally bump into each other and Azzi holds her breath at the icy glare shared between them. She’s not sure how she and Paige ended up with something akin to the women’s basketball version of the Montagues and the Capulets, but it seems fitting with the way her life’s been going, that it would eventually start to take the shape of a tragedy.

It’s around 10pm when Azzi notices Paige moving in the direction of the door, towards the beach. Azzi hesitates for a moment, knowing her need to go after the blonde isn't just one born out of a best friend’s concern, but it’s Paige. It doesn’t matter if there’s inevitable destruction on the other side, it’s Paige and when it’s Paige, Azzi will follow. 

Paige’s silhouette on the beach, glowing underneath the moonlight, with waves crashing onto the shore beyond her, is straight out of a dream. Azzi’s not an artist by any means, but she thinks if she were, this moment would be her muse. The sea wind causes Paige’s hair to flutter with it. Her eyes are closed in concentration, knees pressed against her heaving chest as she takes in deep breaths of salty air. Azzi traipses across the sand, sandals in hand, before falling to the ground next to the other girl. A whisper of a smile is the only acknowledgement Paige offers her as they let a comfortable silence glide over them. 

“It would be nice to live here,” Paige says after a moment, “it’s peaceful.”

“Except when it storms,” Azzi surmises. 

“It’s not peaceful anywhere when it storms,” Paige counters matter-of-factly, “can you just let me have my moment?

“Right, right, continue.”

“Well now I don’t want to.”

Azzi laughs. Paige grins. It’s so easy. It’s so fucking scary. 

“Why’d you leave the restaurant?” Azzi asks cautiously. 

“Fresh air.”

“And?”

Paige sighs, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, “it’s gonna be a long season.”

“It always feels like that at the beginning.”

“I know- it’s just- after last year- I just thought it would be different. We’d show the world this time. Be like the other UConn teams of the past. Maybe I just wanted something easier.”

“No you didn’t,” Azzi nudges Paige’s shoulder, “you’ve never wanted easy in your goddamn life Paige. If it’s not a challenge, then it’s not for you. Because you’re God’s strongest soldier, and He’ll give you  his hardest battles, right?”

“Right, but sometimes I just don’t feel so strong.”

“Remember what I said in LA? It’s okay to feel that way P. It’s okay to feel however you feel. Let yourself breathe sometimes, it’s good for you. Fall down, let things go, just- remember to get back up and hold on again. It’ll get better, I promise.”

“You always say the right things,” Paige says quietly, and then even quieter, she whispers under her breath, “you make it so hard Az.”

Azzi’s not fully sure what that means. She’s not sure she wants to. Instead she tangles her and Paige’s fingers together, ignoring the way it feels a little too right,  and lets them fall back into a peaceful quiet.

“So,” Paige begins again, after a couple of minutes, “Zoe didn’t make the trip here?”

I’m holding your hand and you’re thinking about my girlfriend. Maybe you’re a better person than me. 

“She can’t just leave all her schoolwork and follow me wherever,” Azzi says, trying to keep the defensiveness out of her voice. It’s true except the part where Zoe had asked if she wanted her there and Azzi hadn’t been able to give her the enthusiastic yes she wanted, starting an unspoken argument that quashed any chance of a nice romantic island getaway for the two of them. 

“She did for the Elite 8 last-” Paige bites her tongue. 

“How did you-,” Azzi’s brain feels dizzy with confusion, “how could you know that? You left- after the Sweet 16, you- how did you know Zoe was there?”

“I didn’t leave,” Paige keeps her eyes adamantly on the ocean, “the team wanted to stay longer,” that’s a lie, Azzi knows her too well, “and so I stayed and you know me, I love watching hoops so I uh- I watched your game.”

“You were there,” Azzi whispers more to herself than Paige at this point. She’d been so sure she was just hallucinating, her heart trying to trick itself into seeing what it wanted to see, “why didn’t you tell me you were there? Why didn’t you come see me after the game?”

“I did- fuck Azzi- I did-”

“Where? I would’ve seen- I didn’t see-” 

“I saw you,” Paige cuts through Azzi’s frantic questioning, her voice heavy with unspoken emotions as she continues to refuse to look at the younger girl, “you and Zoe. Together.”

“Paige-”

“After the game, you were looking for someone in the stands and I- I thought maybe you were looking for your parents but then I saw you- with her- outside the locker room and- it hit me that- that you were looking for her,” Paige spits the last word out as it feels like lava on her tongue. 

In the grand scheme of things, maybe Azzi should let Paige keep this misconception, maybe it would make things simpler if she let Paige believe in the idea that there was someone else Azzi sought out when she was struggling. But- 

“I thought I saw you,” Azzi breathes out, “I should have been looking for Zoe but-” she has to draw in a breath when Paige whips around, piercing blue eyes that feel like they can see straight into Azzi’s soul, “Paige, I was looking for you-”

The last bit of sound is stolen away from Azzi as Paige’s lips crash onto hers. And it’s so different from summer and that wretched bathroom. Something softer, more gentle, but still desperate and passionate. Time slows down, as Azzi pulls Paige into her lap, hands caressing her waist, mouths still moving against each other with perfect rhythm. They only pull away when air becomes a necessity, resting their forehead against each other, as they breathe in sync. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Azzi whispers, moving a strand of hair out the blonde’s face. 

The way Paige blushes is everything, “stop.”

“You are,” Azzi insists, pressing a kiss against the corner against the edge of her lips, “you’re perfect P.”

If she goes blind tomorrow, in the next second even, Azzi thinks that would be okay. As long as this, Paige with her soft Azzi smile, looking at her with that sparkle in her eyes, face illuminated by the shine of the stars, is the last thing Azzi sees. 

Slowly Paige climbs off of her, stretching out a hand to pull Azzi up. 

“You don’t have a roommate right?,” she asks with a soft smirk that transforms into a shy grin when Azzi nods. And this isn’t a version of Paige that Azzi's ever met before, so different from her cocky loud best friend, but she’d like to learn her all the same. 

The hotel staff probably think they’re a little drunk as they giggle their way to Azzi’s hotel room. Azzi barely manages to get the door open, before Paige’s lips are all over her again, drifting everywhere from her lips to her neck to her collarbone. 

“Off, off, off,” Paige urges, hands pulling away Azzi’s shirt and she can’t help but giggle at the older girl’s impatience. She keeps her eyes firmly on Paige as she unhooks her bra, smirking as her best friend’s eyes glaze over. Paige moves to touch her, and Azzi moves back immediately. 

“Nuh huh. I show you mine, you show me yours.”

“You’re so fucking annoying,” Paige groans but does as she’s told, discarding her shirt and Azzi’s smirk widens. She moves towards Paige, slowly tracing her tongue down the older girl’s neck. 

“Am I?” Azzi whispers, as she backs her best friend onto the bed. Paige’s eyes follow her every movement as Azzi slowly slides down Paige’s pants, and then her underwear. She runs a finger down Paige’s soaked folds, causing the other girl’s body to shiver, “so wet already, for someone so annoying?”

“Fuck y-” Paige cuts herself off with a groan, when Azzi’s fingers find her sensitive clit.

Settling herself in between the older girl's legs, Azzi grazes her teeth against Paige’s left thigh, satisfied when it makes the other girl’s breath hitch,  “if I’m so annoying maybe I should go?”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Paige warns breathlessly, head propped up against Azzi’s pillows. 

“That’s what I thought,” Azzi smirks, as she peppers kisses up Paige’s thighs, her right thumb lazily flickering against Paige’s clit. 

“You’re such a fucking tease,” Paige lets out a frustrated whine, “just fuck me already.”

Azzi bites down hard against Paige’s thigh, wanting to leave a mark in the one place no one would ever see it, before looking up at Paige, “whatever you want.”

Paige’s entire body writhes as Azzi fucks her tongue into Paige’s pussy, building pace with every thrust. One hand fists around the sheets, as the other moves to grab at Azzi’s head, trying to guide her in deeper. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck shit Azzi please,” Paige curses, eyes rolling into her skull, “just like that fuck.”

She’s so close, words becoming incoherent noises, thighs beginning to shake, when Azzi pulls her tongue off.

“What the fuck-” Paige almost yells but it turns into a groan when Azzi replaces her tongue with two fingers instead, “shit- FUCK.”

Azzi attaches her now-free lips to Paige’s clit and she can tell it’s too much. Paige’s back arches off the bed as her eyes go hazy. And then Azzi’s above her, fingers still rapidly pumping into Paige, as she places a delicate kiss against her lips. 

“Let go baby, I’ve got you,” Azzi whispers into Paige’s ear as the blonde closes her eyes, letting her orgasm wash all over her, “I’ve got you.”

Paige is still for a second, as Azzi slips her fingers out, continuing to press lazy open-mouthed kisses against her best friend’s neck. She squeals when she feels herself being flipped over, back hitting the mattress. 

“What was it you said?” Paige asks cheekily, as starts to unbutton Azzi’s jeans, “I showed you mine, now you have to show me yours.”

Azzi rolls her eyes, a laugh escaping her throat. Trust them to be dorks even in a moment like this. And then Paige attaches her lips to Azzi’s clit and the giggles turn into loud desperate moans. When she slips her fingers in, it’s clear Paige remembers exactly how to push Azzi over the edge. 

“So fucking perfect,” Paige whispers from between her legs, eyes looking up at a blissed-out Azzi with awe, “you’re so fucking perfect.”

“That’s you,” Azzi manages to get out in between bated breaths, before her own orgasm hits her, and Paige’s name waterfalls out of her lips like a prayer. 

There’s no more words after that, only shared looks and soft grins as they make their way into the en-suite bathroom, lazily washing each other between stolen kisses. They fall asleep, wrapped in each other's arms with matching content smiles. 

***

Azzi wakes up alone the next morning. There’s no scribbled note, or even a text. In fact there’s really no proof that Paige was ever there to begin with, except for the ghost of Paige’s touch written all over Azzi’s skin. For a second, Azzi sits in bed and stares out her window. There's a thunderstorm brewing outside (it's not peaceful anywhere when it storms). She watches the raindrops slide down one by one and decides that, that’s the only water that’ll fall today because she won’t shed a single tear and she won’t cry and she most definitely won’t sob. 

She replies to Zoe’s i miss you text with a me too she doesn’t mean.

And then she gets up and goes on with her day. 

[alcestas-sloboda]

The last time I was genuinely happy was in the summer of 2021.

My grandad called me and told me to come outside so he could buy me some ice cream. We stood there discussing what I was planning to do in Odesa, and he joked about our grandmother being a hard woman to live with, but we loved her nonetheless. Five days later, I would lose him. Six months later, the full-scale invasion would start. Nothing would ever be the same again.

That could've been you in Bucha, you know that? they didn’t choose who to kill, they killed everyone on their path? Your luck, then, that you were born in the western part of the country. The only thing you lost are your childhood memories of Crimea, Melitopol, and Zatoka, not your home. But the war continues: your flat could still become the final destination of a hypersonic missile. Don't forget it. Hopefully, you won't hear the siren that night and will die in your sleep. Hopefully, they will find the remains. Hopefully, it will be the entire family, so you won't suffer without each other. Because at the end of the day, your death would mean nothing but pain for your loved ones. The world will keep on spinning; missile parts will be sent to Russia. People will still pity the Russians, but they won't pity you or your family.

Suddenly, you realize that you no longer believe in what you believed before. Do you believe in something good? Well, your small, naive inner child is still alive then. Barely. What? You thought those institutions were meant to maintain peace? That's funny. Probably, that peace is more needed in expensive restaurants hundreds of kilometers away from the frontline.

I genuinely don't know why I'm writing this post again. Is it to be seen by the same 10 people? I know they feel the same. We just sit here together, slowly going mad, hoping someone will finally react. Maybe someone who reblogs your fandom post will find some sympathy. But sympathy is not what I need; I want to be heard.

Fuck you watched "Don't Look Up" with an ironic smile on your lips. And now, you are the main character.

All of you here preach about giving voice to the oppressed, but are you really doing it? The moment you become uncomfortable, it suddenly becomes not your business - "keep ___ out of politics." God, I would've loved that. I would've loved to not know anything. Not to know the names of military equipment. Not to understand that your life can literally depend on the presidential election in a completely different country.

I'm so tired of fighting for my right to be heard. I'm so tired of having to prove my right to live, to speak my own language. "Your country doesn't exist," "Your language is artificial; speak human (Russian)." Don't be too emotional. Don't hate Russians. Don't wish them anything bad. Don't open your mouth. Don't call out organizations. Just shut the fuck up or die.

No one will care if the biggest country in Europe disappears. No one will care if millions die. If your culture will finally be dealt with, if Russia will finally succeed in doing so. A thousand years of history can burn down in just one night. No one will bat an eye.

The world will keep on spinning.

[olivianyx]

I didn't knew u were a respawner! That's so cool, I've been on my respawn journey for like 1-2 months, I hope this is okay to ask but how is your respawning routine? Currently I am taking a break but I would love to hear abt your respawning journey so far :>

Heyy! I'm glad I find many people who are into respawning! Actually mine's a long ass story and you might wonder how am I even doing fine to this day 😭

Okay so long story short, let's begin.

Back in 2022, I discovered shifting. After finding out about loa in 2021, I was anticipated to shift realities just to escape this one. I hated being here. I was suffering with depression, bi polar, avpd, anxiety and maladaptive daydreaming, and I was from a toxic household with narcissistic, toxic and strict parents and fake af friends. It was really hard for me to even open up to somebody. It was hard for me to handle (actually I'm tearing up rn while I type this... Especially those traumas are the worst thing I ever experienced)

When I started my research about shifting, I got into amino. I saw the word 'respawn' and I was like tf is this?? I thought it was some gaming shit and then when I researched it on amino, I really wanted to go away from here and be happier than ever. I wanted to be in peace and do whatever I want in my reality. And no one should judge or stop me from getting what I want. I quickly scripted the place I wanna respawn, and other stuffs. I decided that I will get tf outta here.

Well because I had a reason that I'll respawn, I completely ignored my 3D circumstances. Like I stopped taking care of myself, stopped talking to people around me, stopped studying, stopped doing everything. I just was desperately trying to respawn every night telling myself that I will.

When in fact I was wasting my time and energy into lack. I almost didn't study for my finals and wrote the exams and hope that I'd respawn before my results will be declared. I used to keep time crunches to respawn, and when I didn't, I used to get so depressed, that I attempted to take my own life for the first time ever back in may 2022.

My brother accidentally entered my room and saved me from doing that. When I say I've almost attempted to take my own life for like 10+ times that same year, I still didn't give up. My exam results came and I luckily passed my exams.

So after all these I decided to give a break for 3 months completely for my own mental health. Ik my journey for 2 years wasn't smooth, it was full of ups and downs, and it messed my mental health up. I wasn't even using loassumption in a proper manner at that time. Ngl, I was so damn desperate for manifesting even the smallest stuff (I just wanna time travel back in time and slap the shit outta that version of me that I was back then 💀)

So when I got into a medical university in 2023 January, I completely forgot about respawning for a while. And again in October 2023, I logged into Tumblr, and became friends with one of the respawner Julie. She was so sweet, that she even answered every stupid doubts of mine (God give me Julie's patience 🗣️🗣️) she had respawned back in October 2023.

She was the one who told me 'SELF CONCEPT IS THE KEY!' so I started working on my self concept for like 1 and a half-ish months.... Well, I wasn't even perfect with it, but I tried. I did many challenges but the meraskii one had a good effect on my mindset. So last Christmas, I even learnt about the void (I hate implying it as void, I'd rather say it as I AM state) I wanted to enter it so bad.

I just did my affs, persisted in it, and listened to subs, and on Christmas Eve, I got into it successfully.

This year, I find respawning a very relaxing topic. Like I don't even get bothered by it. I know I'm already where I wanna be. And don't worry, my mental health has been good for a few days now. I was thinking of changing my script, so for the past 2 months, I've been scripting my new reality, well still it's only half way done hehe.

By the end of this month, I'm planning on respawning through the void. So till then I just wanna be thankful for everything here and enjoy every moment here without regrets.

Everybody's journey is different. All you have to do is embody your desired state. You just have to be the version of you having your desires. Be the one who already has it. For me, that took 3 years to click. I just had to relax and give myself in. Let go and enjoy the fact that I already have my desires in the 4d.

Ig this helped... any further doubts, you can ask me! Lots of luv 🤍🤍🤍🤍

- olivia 🤍

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Warnings: tw: rape, tw: talk of being raped but not the act itself, tw: verbal abuse, tw: emotional abuse, john is a really bad person, super sweet bucky, relief and being free at the end

Summary: Ever since your failed one-night stand with John, you two have been in a "relationship". He won't let you leave and treats you like less than. Will you ever find your way out of this abuse cycle?

Squares Filled: romania (2021) for @star-spangled-bingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

x

The person staring back at you in the mirror is someone you don’t recognize. How did you get to this point in your life? You used to be so full of life and loved going out with your friends. Now? You’d rather stay in and not see a single person in fear they’re going to see who you really are: a weak bitch. At least, that’s what John tells you daily. Your eyes used to hold so much light but now they’re sunken in. Your skin used to be glowing but now is pale.

Thank God for makeup.

You paint your face to make yourself look happy, to conceal the tear stains away, and to make your skin shine like how it used to. Just as you put the final brush down, John walks in with a scowl on his face.

“You take fucking forever to get ready. The boys are waiting on you. You’re either ready in five minutes or I’m gonna leave you here and I’ll punish you when I get home.”

“I’m ready.”

You turn to him with a fake smile plastered on your face.

“Fucking finally. Come on.”

As soon as John leaves the room, your smile drops. This is getting to be very exhausting and you’re not sure how long you can do this for. Still, you grab your purse and meet John at the car. One of his good friends is hosting a small party with drinks and dinner, so he doesn’t live far from you and John. John has his hand on your thigh the entire ride as a sort of reminder. His touch makes you want to throw up, everything about him you hate, and he’s not a good person. 

Not only is he mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive toward you, but he crosses the line into physical abuse almost every night. He’s only hit you once out of anger but the physical abuse is sexual. One night a year ago, you were looking for a meaningless hookup to get over your ex and John had taken you back to his place. Everything was going great until the point where you two got into it. You backed down at the last second because you didn’t want to do that to yourself, but John didn’t take no for an answer.

He ended up raping you that night and has been almost every night after that. He became obsessed with you and had been for months before that, and now that he got his hands on you, he didn’t want to let you go.

He won’t let you leave, and you don’t know how to break this cycle.

You and John arrive at his friend’s house just as Bucky and Sam get there. It was John’s idea to invite them as a sort of “get to know my neighbors” type deal. He wants to prove to them that he’s just as capable of being Captain America as Steve was. Bucky isn’t going to go for his bullshit but Sam made him come here.

Bucky smiles when he sees you. He’s always thought you were too good for John but he’s kept his mouth shut because it seemed like you were happy in the relationship. However, when you pass by him to get into the house, he can see how terrified you are in your eyes.

“It’s good to see you two. I’m glad you could make it,” John smiles.

The worst thing about John is that he’s super charming and can convince a town full of people that he’s the good guy.

“Sam made me come.”

“Hush,” Sam says and whacks Bucky on the back of his head.

All four of you walk inside and greet the men who are already here. The only other woman who is here is one of John’s friend’s wife. You’d much rather go off on your own with the wife and make small talk but John keeps you by his side all night. Even as he’s talking to Bucky and Sam about his plans regarding Captain America, his arm is tightly wrapped around your waist. Bucky looks at you briefly and sees the look in your eyes. You’re smiling and agreeing with what John is saying but your eyes are telling him a different story.

Something is wrong here but he doesn't know what or how to help you.

Eventually, dinner is served and you’re seated next to John and the other woman. Bucky and Sam are on the other side of the table but Bucky’s eyes haven’t left you since you walked past him. It’s bugging him that he knows something is wrong without knowing exactly what it is. Everyone is eating and having a good time while you pick at your food cautiously. You can eat only what John approves of you to eat since he’s told you constantly that he doesn’t want you getting fat on him. If you look a certain way, he’ll force you to lose weight until you can fit into the clothes he buys you.

It’s your fault for eating too much anyway.

You’re not sure how the conversation ended up on languages, but John is always looking for an excuse to talk about this. You’ve pretty much tuned out this entire evening.

“I don’t know if you guys know this but Y/N can speak five languages, Romanian being one of them. It’s the one I find the most romantic.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I grew up with it,” you nod.

“Tell them how great I am in Romanian,” John chuckles.

The only other person at this table who can speak Romanian is Bucky. This is your chance. This is your chance to ask for some real help without alerting John you’re doing it.

“Am nevoie de ajutor. John nu mă lasă să-l părăsesc. Mă violează de câteva ori pe săptămână. Este abuziv fizic, verbal, mental și emoțional. Mi-e teamă că mă voi trezi într-o zi să-l văd cu un cuțit în față. Vă rog să mă ajutați. Nu mă va lăsa să plec.”

I need help. John won't let me leave him. He rapes me several times a week. He's abusive physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. I'm scared I'll wake up one day to see him with a knife in my face. Please help me. He won't let me leave.

You can’t look at anyone in the eyes, especially Bucky. Still, you peek a look at him to see shock written on his face. He understood every word you said but John is still smiling next to you as if you told everyone how loving and kind he is. John reaches over and grips your thigh gently to let you know he has all the power here.

“What did you tell them?”

You look at John and smile at him.

“How much you love me and how much you treat me like a princess. How much I love you.”

“See?” John chuckles. “She’s a keeper.”

John goes back to eating and chatter resumes as normal. However, Bucky can’t stop looking at you. You lock eyes with him before looking down and finishing your meal. The rest of the dinner goes by without a hitch and John is saying goodbye to his friends.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom real fast. I’ll be quick.”

John can’t be his usual self around company so he kisses the side of your head and allows you to do that.

“Hurry back.”

It’s a simple request but it holds so much threat behind it. You leave his side and head to the upstairs bathroom since that’s the only one working. As soon as the door is closed, you rush over to the toilet and throw up everything you ate. You want to cry until there is no more water in you but you have to remind yourself that John is waiting and he’ll get meaner the longer you make him wait.

Someone knocks on the door and the panic and fear in your body spike to a high level. You wipe your mouth with toilet paper and flush the toilet to make it seem like you’re done.

“Who is it?”

“Bucky.”

Relief replaces your panic but the fear is still there. He knows what John does. He knows everything. What is he going to do? You open the door carefully and he pushes his way inside with determination.

“Is what you said true?”

“I can’t do this here, Bucky.” If you talk about it openly, then you’re going to cry and John will know for sure something is up. “If I talk about it, I’ll cry and I won’t be able to stop.” You look at your reflection to make sure your makeup isn’t ruined. “I have to go. John is waiting.”

“Wait just a minute,” Bucky says and prevents you from leaving.

“Bucky, please. John will get angry. I need to leave now.”

“John is no longer going to hurt you.”

“What?”

“Stay here and wait for my return.”

Bucky leaves before you can say anything else. John sees Bucky come back alone and he’s getting a bit frustrated with you. He can’t do anything in front of his friends but just wait until he gets you home.

“Where’s Y/N?”

“In the bathroom. It sounded like she was washing her hands when I passed by. Can I talk to you for a second outside?”

John looks confused but follows Bucky outside nonetheless. John passes by Bucky while he stares at his vibranium arm. The metal flexes with power and Bucky is trying so hard to contain it.

“You want to know an interesting fact about me?” Bucky asks and looks at John.

“What?”

“Vorbesc fluent Romana.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m fluent in Romanian.”

John immediately gets nervous. You told him you told everyone how much you love him but based on Bucky’s reaction, he knows you said something else.

“That’s cool, man. You and Y/N have something in common.”

With his vibranium arm, Bucky sends what’s supposed to be a deadly blow to the face. It would be deadly if the person he is punching didn’t have the super soldier serum in him. John crashes into the car behind him and sets off the car alarm. Everyone inside rushes outside to see what the commotion is.

“Never lay a hand on her again!” Bucky yells angrily.

Bucky sends another hard blow with his flesh hand to the side of John’s face. This is when the fight or flight response in John kicks in. He starts to fight Bucky back but there is no use in stopping the Winter Soldier. They both have the serum in them but Bucky has always been and will always be stronger than John. Bucky grabs John’s collar and pulls him up to his feet only to slam him to the concrete down below. Bucky punches John’s chest so hard with his metal arm that John’s ribs break and he coughs up blood.

“Hey! What the hell is going on!” Sam yells and pulls his friend off your abuser.

“He’s a fucking abuser and a coward! He’s hurting Y/N, and it’s gonna stop now. Don’t fucking go near her or I’ll do more than break your ribs,” Bucky threatens.

Everyone looks at John who just groans in pain with his eyes closed. Bucky pushes past everyone to get back into the house and to the bathroom where you are. You’re sitting on the toilet biting your nails nervously. You have no idea what is going on out there or what Bucky can do to help you. The bathroom door opens and Bucky enters without a second thought. You stand up to greet him when you smell blood. Your eyes trail down his body until they land on his flesh hand which has open wounds on it.

“What did you do?” you gasp.

“I should have killed him.” The realization that you’re free, at least at this moment, hits you and the floodgates open. The tears come flowing out and won’t stop, and Bucky pulls you into his arms. “He will never hurt you again. Sam and I have an extra room you can use.”

Your grip on him gets tighter.

“Thank you,” you cry and shake in his arms.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[moltenwrites]

Thanks @nczaversnick for the tag!

I got tagged for a character name origins tag, but I did that very recently, and the post also mentioned talking about the characters origins, which I’ll gladly yap about!

The Artist

Gotta be honest, it feels odd that Ive BARELY talked about the artist here considering how important they are to How Our World Ended. The Artist is a God who can create universes, and observes them

The artist is a literal outline of a person, with a white line covering their eyes. They exist within a black void, as a result of destroying their own universe. The origin for this character is odd, and many years old, but I’ll try to get a good timeline.

Initially, they were just a character for me to project negative thoughts onto. Then, the idea of them being a creator of universes came into my mind. They were first put into a story during a OLD assignment which I unfortunately do not have access to anymore. While it was bad, it solidified the character in my mind. And they always stayed in the back of my mind, untill I came up with How Our World Ended. And considering how important they are to the ending, and hell, the universe of Souls Collide, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about them ( random note, but I feel like the watcher from What If was a big inspiration of the concept )

RES

Ugh, so this one is a littttle embarrassing. A lot of my older ideas have evolved a lot, and that includes the early stages where they were inspired by some…. Odd stuff ( you don’t wanna know how souls collide itself started )

Anyways, if I remember right, I always liked the idea of doing a more medieval fantasy story. Souls Collide takes place in current times, so that line of thought was always an interesting thought experiment. Anyways, in 2021 I was watching the game awards because I had nothing better to do. I was kinda zoning out, untill the live performance of the song enemy started playing. And as it played, the premise of How our World Ended, or at least a rough outline, hit me. And as time went on, more music inspired more about the story. Hells coming with me by Poor Man’s Poison gave me an idea for a second half of the story that was, admittedly, terrible. But the ending, that was cool, and it stayed. That song also gave me the rough outline of what I wanted Res to be. A revenge fueled fire soul was how he initially was gonna be. But as time went on, a lot changed. I changed him to be an ice soul, as the protagonist of souls collide is already a fire soul, and I didn’t want to overlap that. Then, Res became more fueled by grief. Now, Res is cold and calculated. He works as a vigilante of sorts, and is far more caring once he gets to know someone.

Oof- that was long, I’ll do a quick lighting round of origins that are WAY shorter.

Salazar

Two big inspos for this guy. Firstly, I always wanted to do something similar to the organization 13 from kingdom hearts. Salazar, and his past in the council of fate, was initially gonna fill that role. Over time, the council shrunk and that role more fell to the gods. Then, for his explicit personality, it was heavily inspired by moon waltz by cojum dip. Something about it just fit the guy, and me misinterpreting the wrestling mask of the album cover as a masquerade mask 100% shaped both his chilling personality and his design

Nelios

Okay I think this one is just funny. So, I didn’t plan this book well. At all. I kinda just went “ fuck it “ and let it happen. That’s why the first draft is VERY rough atm. Anyways, Nelios wasn’t originally in the story at all. I was just gonna name drop him, and maybe give him a scene or two, but when I wrote a full chapter of him, I loved him so much, he became VITAL to the story. His personality came from a mix of “ how can I make an arrogant asshole likable? “ and “ how can one make this guy a fun ass character to write “

Okay I rambled for WAYYY to long there, but I have a lot to say haha. Anyways, tag list time.

Tagging @aintgonnatakethis @ddgraywrites @jjoneswriting @revenantlore @noxxytocin @yourpenpaldee @illarian-rambling @theverumproject @autism-purgatory @gioiaalbanoart @the-letterbox-archives

@mk-writes-stuff

+ OPEN TAG

[darkniters]

i wrote this in 2021 for cscoop but i will replace coopers name with schlatts. enjoy!

-

"very sorry about having to delay the video again! i'm working really really hard on it, just give me some extra time, and i'll have it up by next week!"

... i feel bad for lying to the fans, but what am i supposed to say in a situation like this. 'oh sorry loyal viewers of the y/c/n youtube channel, ive been a bit busy having a child.'

i hadn't told anyone about her, and i wasn't really planning on it until she was old enough to conveniently walk into my recording studio. i made a really bad decision months ago when i decided to fuck a dude i didn't know, but the outcome was truly someone beautiful.

i sighed and decided that i should maybe try get a video out by next week, so i get off my ass and head to my recording room. however, before i do so i go to my own room to check on my little girl.

she's sleeping peacefully in the dimly lit room, nothing but her soft breathing being heard. i smile, not in a million years would i expect this to happen. when i found out i was pregnant i was mortified, i told nobody, i still haven't, what will they think of me if they found out i just fucked a random dude? i'd be slaughtered for sure. however, when i first lay eyes on her, i knew that she deserved all the love in the world, for she was perfect.

instead of staring at my child for the next hour i decide to finally get out of the room and work on the video i promised. it was already recorded, just editing to do, so the fun parts already over with. instead of wearing headphones, i let the sound come straight from my speakers, with my pc turned down extremely low, just to not disturb my daughters slumber.

the videos not too hard to edit, just a gameplay of castle crashers with the sleep deprived gang. the memories of the recording session rushed back as i was editing, a smile was brought to my face.

"go dude get his ass!' i yell into my mic.

'you're fuckin alive too y/n, help me out here!' schlatt responds 'besides, you were all talk earlier, what was that you said 'ougghhh i'm sooo good at castle crashers i finished all of it on the original xbox, you guys wont get any opportunity to shine.'

the rest of the group laugh as schlatt teases. mika ended up getting the final kill on the boss.

'god, you two tease SO much, why dont you two just fuck already?' mika joked. the group laughed once more, however, i was left thinking... is this really what everyone else thinks? do they know im pregnant? oh god...

'you good y/n? shit was a joke please dont think too much about it. i dont wanna get too many thoughts into your head.' mika interrupts your thought process.

'dont worry moka, i was just thinkin of a good response, since schlatts mouth is a little too full at the moment.' i smile, leading up to a bit, hoping schlatt gets where i'm trying to go with it. i never actually thought of cooper as such, however, the idea was intriguing... i wouldn't say no if he ever asked me out... and with this little dude on the way, itd be a good help.

'my mouths too full? what the fucks that supposed to mean?' schlatt quizzes, surprisingly he doesn't know what i'm leading up to. thats not like jschlatt...

'your mouths filled up with deez nuts dog, jesus christ' you giggle, schlatt groans in response, a bang on his desk being heard over the discord call. once again the other members in the call erupted into laughter.

'how'd you miss that coming, schlatt! i saw that shit from 300 miles away!' aztro struggles to say, her voice filled with laughter.

'surley.' mika simply says.

'look shut up, i'm a bit stup- oH SHIT WATCH YOUR ASSES WE HAVENT SAVED' schlatt yells out, but it's a little bit too late, as each knights health runs to 0.

the video was edited in the span of 3 hours, and with regular checks on the wee doll, everything was going fine.

you let your subscribers know that the video was done and ready to be uploaded with a tweet and youtube community post.

'hey dudes! the videos all ready to upload! see you guys again next week!'

as soon as i posted, likes and quote retweets were flying in. the people in the replies were ecstatic, and all of the dudes were dropping 'welcome backs :D' in the comments.

however, when i saw the response from schlatt, i swear my smile beamed more.

'welcome back fuckhead, we hangin later, yea? awesome, i'll be an hour ;)'

though my smile didn't last, for i looked down to see my daughter in my arms. oh. fuck.

what's schlatt gonna say when he sees you?!

hes gonna think im a whore! oh fuck my friendships gone hes gonna tell everyone, and im just getting feelings for him and everythings goin- woah hold on.

. . .

it sounds so right to say that?

i have feelings... for johnathan jschlatt...

i have feelings for johnathan jschlatt...

i have FEELINGS for JOHNATH okay we get it.

there's definitely a blush on my face, but i gotta put this newly discovered truth to the side, cause this silly little goobers here. what do i do?! i cant just stuff her into a closet! my plans foiled!

aegghhh...

this panic ensures for an hour, until that dreadful moment where theres a knock on the door.

i put her back into my bedroom, hoping that theres a chance that maybe she'll sleep again?

and walk back down the hall...

to the front door...

and slowly pull the handle...

to reveal...

...

schlatt, of course, who else was i expecting.

"schlatty!" i exclaim, pulling him into a tight hug.

"ey, whats up y/n," schlatt responds, return the hug, placing his head atop of mine. "you've been offline for a bit and wanted to see if everythings good. i hope you don't mind me suddenly coming over." he chuckles.

i smile in relief, hes so chill all the time. "don't worry, i've just been a bit.. pre-occupied, i'm perfect as usual dude." i close the door after schlatt, and we both walk into the living room.

theres no shortage of conversations, johnathan talks about how him, mika and pandah recently had a massive clear out, and he found an old glow in the dark ring i won for him in an arcade years ago.

-

"'we're only 20 points away from being able to get anything from the prize counter, come on john, lets play some easy mini games!' a 18 year old y/n replays in your mind.

'you want to get something so bad get your own points... i'll keep watch though cause i know you too well, y/n.' johnathan responds. 'besides, you wouldn't want me to miss if you got something huge, right?'

i stick my tongue out, preparing to spin a wheel with numerous numbers of points on them. it finally lands on 100 points, which definitely isn't the most but it's not the lowest amount either.

'YOOOOO!' you yell in unison, claiming your points.

as we arrive at the counter, i see this glow in the dark ring and decide 'john will hate me for this'

so i purchased it, and jokingly proposed to johnathan. to my surprise, he said yes, and wore it back to his house, his parents question it, i remember. they've been very keen on johnathan and i getting together, ever since we were younger. too bad my plans changed...

as we both kept reminiscing of the past and our food arrived, everything was going quite well. she was silent for majority of the time schlatt was in my home, which is really lucky.

we would occasionally go silent, and during that time i would scan johnathans face. he'd catch me starting from time, and he'd stare at me with forced wider eyes. we'd laugh at this.

unfortunately the moment was ruined, for a small, frail cry could be heard down the hall. at this moment i could feel my soul leave my body FUCK

"dude..." johnathan begins hesitantly. he looks extremely confused. "you.. you fuckin... child dlc?"

you both laugh at the comment, however he still looks lost. the kids probably best not to be left crying, so i head to the room to bring her down the hall. i come back, and his face shows a bit more understanding.

"woah." he gawks. his head relaxing on his shoulders and his muscles un-tensing. a smile is brought to my face.

at this point the small wails from the girl has stopped, her tiny frame in your arms as you sit down next to johnathan, a little closer than last.

"shes my little dude! sorry i didnt really say anything... i didnt want anyone to know, especially the youtube dudes..." at the end i trail off, thinking how stupid that sounds. these guys are some of my closest friends, why would they judge me for something like this?

one of his arms wrap around my shoulder and the other wraps around the little girl in my arms. theres a tranquil smile on his face, as he looks down at her.

"why'd you think hiding something this cool was good idea, y/n? look at her! she's awesome, i'm sure the dudes will love her!" he laughs. he leans his head against mine, and my face grows warm. "still surprised you 'got some' though, yknow what im sayin?" you can feel a faint smile tug your lips.

schlatts finger runs down the childs arm softly, and ends at her hand. he stopped and stared as her tiny fingers gripped around his finger. truth be told, he was astatic that his long time friend had a child. he was so happy to see his friend happy, and to have her here in his arms, and her daughter made everything better.

he loved you.

he kept staring at the little girl in my arms, his eyes unmoving, but there were another set of eyes that were unmoving.

my eyes kept on schlatts face, a dazed smile plastered on both of our faces. unnoticed, i put my hand over johnathans which rested on my shoulder.

his eyes move to look at mine, a shimmer in his eyes as his pupils grow. i study his face, his pasty physique now grazed with a soft pink, and his lips slightly parted. his eyes seem to be doing the same as yours.

his hands turning around to grasp mine, and just now am i noticing how silent the room is, all that is heard is the breathing from the three of us. a nervous smile once again graces my lips, leaning my back into johnathan a little more.

after a couple of more seconds of decision on wether or not this is what we should be doing, our mouths finally meet.

it was a very quick kiss, but we take no time at all to go back for a second, then a third.

and then a fourth.

once finished, we both smiled and looked down, both of our faces a rose like color. johnathans hands still caught by the girl in my arms, and my own.

"i could get used to this." johnathan says after some time, his head leaning into mine. all three of us falling asleep on one another. i hum in response, with a small chuckle coming through. i turn my head and give him another kiss on the cheek, and as i do it his cheeks turn red again. some of his brown hair falls down closer to his face as he looks at me again, simply to return the favor.

his lips are slightly chapped, but still feel soft and perfect against yours, he parts first, feeling his finger finally being let go. she had fallen asleep.

"my fingers sweaty... euch" he whispers, making a grossed out noise at the end. he leaned back into you. "love you."

i feel hot again.

"love you too johnathan."

-

this story was better when it wasnt jschlatt dont care hope you enjoyed

[hawkogurl]

Even I don’t know what this post is about and there’s probably no way for me to say this without sounding a little pretentious and for that I apologize but here’s some Norman meta analysis.

In terms of the Great Raimi Norman Discussion, something I thank a god I don’t believe in every day hasn’t yet escalated to Discourse(tm), among the things I wish weren’t a factor alongside the entire movie of NWH is the entire concept of a character being irredeemable. In my personal opinion, redemption is change. There is no point at which a person is not capable of some sort of positive change, so there’s no point where someone is irredeemable. This is simplifying for the sake of brevity, but it gets my point across.

However by the standards of larger fandom, there tends to be a collection of specific things that label a character irredeemable. These tend to be bigotry of most if not any form, any form of abuse, and sexual violence.

Raimi Norman managed to tick off all three.

Taking into account the authorial intent, Norman is very much meant to be sexist, an emotionally abusive parent, and I personally believe it’s very very likely that the comment the Goblin made towards MJ at the end of the first movie was intended to be a rape threat, especially taking into account him ogling her earlier in the movie.

The thing that tends to occur with those three topics in media is that they feel too real and too close to home and connect too much with people’s personal experiences. This can result a lot in people who generally like or enjoy a character with those traits sort of feeling the need to minimize, deny, or entirely avoid the topic of those things because it can feel like a reflection on their personal character to like a character who is those things or make them feel like they can’t enjoy the traits of those characters that they do enjoy. Norman’s behavior with MJ isn’t acknowledging and people tend to swing towards saying Norman was a bad parent or a neglectful parent because the word Abusive is a point of no return for most people when it shouldn’t be.

This is incorrect and anyone who tries to make you feel bad for this is incorrect. Personal preferences aren’t morality.

I broadly do not enjoy this for all the prior stated reasons but also because I feel this is also a root cause for a lot of Good Old Fashioned Norman Woobification. With denying these topics, in particular his child abuse and sexism because I’m aware the third is debatable, people end up implicitly taking the responsibility he has for his actions as a 57 year old man who made all his decisions on his own away from him or otherwise minimizing what he did or trying to make excuses, once again because modern fandom morality is a plague and people think any of the above means they can’t like a character.

And even besides that, I personally feel that to perform meaningful analysis of his character you have to be willing to embrace and openly acknowledge the very shitty things he does all on his own of his own agency. That sort of full understanding of a character is pretty necessary. You’re able to come to more complete and more defendable positions. And while I, me, tumblr user hawkogurl might not agree with them, they’re gonna be better developed. I don’t need to agree with them. I believe exposing myself to opinions I don’t agree with is good for me. It prevents the development of an echo chamber.

I continue to have no clue what I’m saying with this post so I’m gonna stop here. Because I’ll feel weird if I don’t say it, this post isn’t even directed at anyone specifically, we’ve come a long way from 2021 NWH era fandom and most people tend to be willing to acknowledge he’s kind of the worst and I don’t need to agree with you to respect you.

[around1302]

XII. ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

SPARE PARTS: a series (12/20)

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN

(W) strong language, mentions of death, brief plane blowjob and slight mention of fingering

CHARLIE’S POV

Something in me wants to go back to six years ago. I want to be sitting on my bed, my pathetically pink squeaky frame that a sixteen year old me couldn’t have viewed as terrible because she had no other view, and I want to have Poppy rush through the door.

I want Poppy full stop, but I can want her till I go blue in the face. I have, many times.

I want Poppy’s maddening grin (insane grin) bubbling concern and curiosity in me. More so concern. I want to listen to her tell me she found a loophole in the Battle of the Bands audition process that let’s lone performers play with other lone performers.

And I want to tell her to go the fuck away.

I have decided, on this the fifth city stop of our tour, that everything bad (and good) that has happened to me is because of that day.

If I didn’t go to that audition, Poppy wouldn’t have ended up driving several years later to an after party of ours in the middle of the slippery winter night. If I didn’t go to that audition, I wouldn’t have met Zayn and had a consequently heartbreaking next few years that still seem to haunt me, now. If I didn’t go to that audition, I wouldn’t have met Harry.

Which, as I spin through Instagram and try my absolute hardest to be grateful for everything I have at twenty two, is a nice thought.

A very nice thought. It’s six years unriddled with confusion and yearning and grief. God, the grief. Fuck the grief. I understand they say it’s good, it’s how they stay with us, how they stay loved, but is it? When someone laughs at a joke I know Poppy would have rolled her eyes at, or when I smell overly priced musky vanilla perfume, or when I lay in bed at night and let the silence coat me like dirt on a coffin. Is it?

So, I scroll. Distracting myself. Always fucking distracting myself.

@musicnostaglia spare parts recording their most recent album, louder actions (may 2021)

I smile at the images, the memories, programming my brain to focus on all the good so I can’t pine after a life without the bad.

@greeneer i love liam but charlie will always be the better drummer #sorrynotsorry

I type out a comment along the lines of an enthusiastic agreement, one that instantly sends an influx of notifications into my inbox I try not to become overwhelmed over.

But then, it’s when I scroll a little further down in my tagged images, that I stop. It’s not of me. The picture has nothing to do with me, or the rest of the band, yet we’re all tagged regardless. No. The image is Harry, circa 2019, our tour for our first album Bittersweet. Our first tour full stop.

@spxrepxrts missing bittersweet harry today :(

My heart pounds. Stop that.

Harry doesn’t smile like that. I know he’s a different person on stage, to the fans. I’ve had to get used to that over the years, how everyone else adores Harry Styles despite Harry being the most intolerable person I know. But that smile… does he really smile like that on stage?

My breath flutters and I lock my phone, letting the clunk of metal slide next to me. Everyone’s in tonight, wiped out from today’s show and in desperate need of an actual full eight hours for the first time. So far, everyone’s been living tour life up, which has been easy on the earlier shows. This always happens, though. You have fun for a couple cities, then the exhaustion and homesickness kicks in and all you want is your bed and the uncharacteristically tepid sound of North London in the early hours.

Knuckles rap at my door. I nearly cry.

I can’t take another Harry or Zayn thing tonight. Zayn throwing that fucking sledgehammer of a declaration in, despite the clarification of our friendship only a few nights ago, has rendered me emotionally spent. And Harry. Well. I can’t take him looking at me like that while I leave his room again, as if that wasn’t a part of our agreement in the first place.

I don’t recall his clothes (which I still need to return) and late night talking being in the fine print.

The door shakes again, a little louder.

“I’m not in!” I shout, bundling the hotel sheets up in my fists and cocooning myself.

“It’s only me.”

That developing lump in my throat melts.

I rush out of my cocoon and yank the door open, tears nearly streaming at the pure relief of red hair and raspberry shower gel. I didn’t realise how much I needed my best friend until now, and all I want is…

“And Louis.”

Oh. Okay.

Louis smiles meekly at me, but I’m not mad. Surprised? Yes. Mad? Never. As much as Amelia is my sister, Louis is my brother, yet the two of them don’t exactly strike me as a duo to be hanging alone.

“What’s going on, guys?” My brow strikes sceptically. I step aside, letting them into my dark room. I flip on a light, illuminating the suite in fluorescent yellow, realise just how much of a mess everything is.

Bed sheets everywhere, tissues from preemptive tears littered atop. My phone thrown, mascara stains on the crisp pillows (that I’ll definitely be paying for. Fenty doesn’t simply wash out).

“Amelia told me.”

My mouth hangs open as I stare at the perpetrator.

“Traitor.”

“He pulled it out of me!” Amelia holds her hands up, bangles flying down her forearm.

This was not supposed to happen. No one was meant to know, Amelia was a stretch, but sweet Lord, someone in the band? This whole thing is slipping from me so quickly and I’m suddenly craving that time machine again.

“It was relatively obvious, Char,” Louis lilts, that usual sarcasm biting through his tone as he perches on the edge of my bed. Amelia joins him, worrying at her bottom lip as she gages my reaction.

I splutter, making him roll his eyes.

“I literally caught you guys necking it on the other day, on the bus.”

What? “What?”

Louis scoffs. “Did you think you were slick hiding behind the fuckin’ mini fridge? I caught you the second I stepped out, I just had the decency to pretend I didn’t.”

I rake my hands through my knotted curls, feeling the incessant need to pace. “You saw… you saw. And you didn’t say anything? Why?”

Louis shrugs like he’d no more than caught me peeing, or something. “Dunno, felt weird to call you out while you were boobs to the wind,” I cover my face, “I figured if anyone knew anything Lia would, then she spills this whole friends with benefits thing you’ve got going on.”

“We’re not friends.”

“Which is why it’s so dumb.”

“It’s not–” I cut myself off before I defend something that is true. It’s so beyond true I’ve spent every second since the agreement wondering why the Hell I said yes in the first place.

“Babe, it’s a little dumb.” Amelia suddenly juts in.

“Okay,” I breathe, exasperated. My hands land over my oversized tee, perching on my hip as I survey my two best friends, “it’s stupid. But it’s done now, why are you in my room?”

“Because we want to stop you.”

My face scrunches on impulse before I force myself to relax into seeming unbothered by the statement.

“Hear us out,” Louis stands, “you guys hate each other at the best of times, yeah?”

I shrug, not sure how accurate that is anymore.

“At the end of the day, this is only going to end badly. Think of the band, dude. If this winds up like another…”

My throat tightens. “Another Zayn situation?”

Louis’ tongue flicks out to his lower lip, but he defeatedly nods. Ever the one to tell it how it excruciatingly is. “Yeah, that. It’s not just you two you have to think about, but it could split up Spare Parts.”

“I don’t think–”

“How long did it take before you could be in a room with Zayn again?” Amelia stands, too. What the Hell is this? An intervention? Maybe it was needed, but Jesus does this feel condescending.

“Okay, but–”

“I love Haz, but he’s shit to women. You know that. Logistically I’d still like a job, but more importantly I don’t want you to get hurt – which will happen.”

“Right, but if you–”

“And I love this whole sexual liberation thing you’ve got going on, but babe, isn’t Harry the first person you’ve slept with since that girl from the bar a few years ago? Do you really think he’s the way to open this chapter back up?”

“If you just let me–”

“And Harry’s–”

“Stop it!” I scream, about ready to lose my mind. My eyes are squeezed shut and my fists are closed by my side because I just had to swallow shitty thing after shitty thing that, “I have already thought about all of that. Who do you think you’re talking to? I overthink going to the fucking shops, of course I’ve thought about this.”

Amelia’s eyes are doing that sad puppy thing she does when it looks like I’ve just told her Poppy’s died all over again. Louis looks like he’s about to slap me.

“I’m tired of being safe and sad. I genuinely went about my life thinking I’d never be able to have sex without some level of an emotional connection. That woman in the bar sent me into a panic attack, and Zayn wasn’t much easier. But somehow, I don’t think about any of that when I’m with Harry. I just think about the things you’re supposed to think about when you’re having sex, and yes, maybe I won’t go out on dates with him and I won’t have him buy me flowers and I won’t sit and have dinners with his family, but he takes away the loneliness for a temporary, good moment.”

I’m breathless by the time I finish.

“And that’s all I need right now.”

Amelia and Louis are stunned into silence, and it takes me a second to catch my own breath. Because in those moments of pure unfiltered rampage, I realised something.

All of this is bullshit. The tossing and the turning, the pining and the pandering. I’ve spent too much of my life planning every meticulous detail to a scrutinised T, and it hasn’t worked out for me so far.

I’m Charlie fucking Greene. Lead singer of one of the world’s biggest bands right now, millionaire by the age of nineteen, loved by thousands, wanted by hundreds. I sell records, I sell stadiums, I sell my Goddamn self.

I’m too fucking nice for this shit.

“I mean,” Amelia’s the first to puncture the silence, “hell yeah.”

Louis stifles a laugh. “I was waiting for that to happen.”

I feel relief. From what, I’m not entirely sure right now. But relief nonetheless.

“Just be careful, yeah?” Louis narrows his eyes kindly, “we care about you.”

“I know you do.” I nudge his shoulder, smiling at Amelia. “You also need to keep this on the low. Looking at you, Broadstrom.”

Amelia rolls her eyes playfully. “Oh, relax. Louis had already seen your tits before I said anything.”

I bury my face in my hands, groaning into the sweaty darkness as that memory quickly surfaces. Louis cackles, tackling me into a hug I barely reciprocate. I’m too busy trying not to scream obscenities into my palms.

“Charlie, man, I saw nothing,” he lifts my head up, forcing me to look at him, “your Mission Impossible escape was funny as fuck, though.”

“You’re a horny bastard, you know that?” Lia pokes. I snort.

“He brings it out of me, I guess.” I mumble, stifling a chuckle. “Okay, now go so I can get to sleep.”

Vis-a-vis, I need to call Zayn and tell him we’re going to continue to be friends. Vis-a-vis, I need to call Harry straight after and tell him all about the blowjob he’ll be receiving on the plane in the morning.

“I’m going to be really clear on something.”

“Kinda hard to find clarity right now, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart. That’s twice, now.

I would have preferred to do this in the hotel, but in true Harry fashion, he was late to the airport. We had to make our own way this time, the buses already being transported last night. His taxi didn’t show up ten seconds before we were meant to be in the air.

So, plane bathroom it is. Again.

“I don’t want to cuddle after sex,” I lower myself to my knees, the heaving of Harry’s chest as I continue to stroke him dulling my voice to a murmur, “I don’t want to sleep over,” I lick the tip of his cock, making him hiss and clench his fists, “and I don’t want you to get weird about Zayn, or anyone else.”

“Fine.” He pants. “Just, fuckin’, ah,” he tries to muffle his groans in the back of his palm, but when I take him to the back of my throat it looks to take everything in him not to scream, “whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” I tease, holding his dick to lick delicious stripes up and down that vein. He nods, not giving a shit what I say apparently, only wanting my mouth back on him as he tries to stay quiet in yet another too-public place to be doing this.

“Promise?” I bunch my hair up, but his hands instantly fly to replace mine as a bobble.

“Yes, Jesus, I promise.”

My lashes flutter as I close my eyes, smiling against his tip before taking him into my mouth and sealing that promise with my tongue.

Things won’t be this easy with Zayn, I’m sure, but as I work Harry till he’s coming down my throat, I realise this is a good decision. The best one, the right one. I’m so tired of being overemotional, and if fucking Harry and ignoring Zayn is the answer so be it.

Because screw the bullshit. Being sad is boring.

I at least know it’s the right decision when Harry lifts me back to his lips and slips his fingers into my sweatpants, slamming his hand over my mouth as I cry into his palm.

taglist: @lilfreakjez @be-with-me-so-happily @sirtommyholland @tpwksm @b-reads-things @tiaamberxx @daphnesutton

[choices-binglebonkus]

Every 2022 Choices Release – Rated on a scale of 1-10

Several people have said that 2022 has been the best year for Choices since 2018. And…as sad as that is, it’s pretty true. Like 2020, 2022’s releases had high highs and low lows. As I’ve said once before, the good books were awesome and the bad ones were really, really, REALLY bad. This post is going to be covering every 2022 book release and rating them on a scale of 1-10 because I haven’t done that on this blog and felt like spicing things up. It’s the new year, bitches!

 Quick disclaimer: to qualify for this list, a book must have been initially released to wide audiences (non-VIPs) in 2022, because we don’t do that VIP shit here. So, for example, Wake the Dead was released on December 29, 2021, so it doesn’t qualify for this list even though it ended in 2022. With that out of the way, let’s dive right in.

Ms. Match: January 28, 2022 – April 29, 2022

Ms. Match’s story itself was not terrible, but the general skeleton of the plot is super overdone. I am sick to death of the plots centered around rising to the top of the competition and blowing everyone else away, and that’s pretty much exactly what Ms. Match does. The idea behind it is cute, though: we join a matchmaking company and compete in matchmaking contests and challenges to determine who the next CEO will be. My biggest complaint is that the love interest is…not great. The Rival Matchmaker is far from the worst love interest, but my god, they’re so cocky, full of themselves, and overall annoying as hell, not to mention totally uninteresting. Quite frankly? The cutest couple in the book, as unexpected as it was for me, was Veronica and our character’s dad. 4/10, not a terrible book, but it was a chore to play through at times.

Surrender book 1: February 11, 2022 – June 10, 2022

There are a lot of bad books in Choices, but Surrender is definitely one of the worst. We play as a vulnerable divorce-seeking woman whose spouse has cheated on her, which got her into BDSM. As soon as I saw that that was going to be the plot, it was all over. It was not a great look for the BDSM community, which is already stigmatized enough as is. But it gets worse. Our love interest is Reagan Thorne, our billionaire lawyer who’s also into BDSM and agrees to dom for the MC and teach her about BDSM even though she’s a client, which already introduces an imbalance of power. Barring the shitty plot, terrible love interest, and horrible misrepresentations of BDSM, the dialogue is all sorts of fucked in the book. Reagan utters some of the cringiest lines in the entire app and calls us such embarrassingly bad nicknames like…ugh, little lamb. 1/10, horrible book, horrible story, horrible love interest, horrible everything. Some of the outfits were cute. That’s it.

Crimes of Passion book 1: April 6, 2022 – July 20, 2022

Crimes of Passion is one of the best books we’ve seen in a while. Sort of like Most Wanted, it has us teaming up with a love interest (in this case, Trystan Thorne) to investigate and stop a string of murders tied to a serial killer. Unlike Most Wanted, however, the murders in this book are much, MUCH grislier and more visceral, and are tied to a cult as we come to find out. The plot was very gripping and every clue we uncovered was exhilarating. I cared about pretty much all of our friends/coworkers: Mafalda, Ruby, Luke, and Trystan. I wasn’t totally sold on Trystan as a love interest, though, and I’m still not. 9/10, really good story, crazy fucking shit, love it. One point off for Trystan because I’m not really into the whole cocky/flirty and stubborn partner pairing, and I think we should’ve been able to romance Ruby and Luke.

Untameable book 1: April 15, 2022 – August 5, 2022

We return from college to help out on the family ranch which has been barely kept afloat by our controlling misogynist of a brother. We spend the whole book sneaking around with Kit Jackson, our bland-ass cowboy/cowgirl love interest because we don’t want to upset our brother. The ranch is on the brink of failure and we also have to deal with that too, but we’ve already had this same plot a whole bunch in other books, so it’s not super noteworthy. That’s it, that’s the book. 1.5/10, no interesting characters, plot is uninspired, dialogue is SUPER cringey, and goddamn it, stop reusing cowboy shit, PB! You’re never going to make it happen!

The Princess Swap: May 13, 2022 - September 2, 2022

The premise of this story is that our character studies abroad for a semester in the kingdom of Monterre, where she accidentally stumbles upon another girl, the princess, who looks just like her. Spoiler alert: they’re twin sisters and don’t know it until much later in the book. The two switch places The Prince and the Pauper style: the princess takes on the role of college student and sorority girl while our character takes on the role of princess. Both grapple with challenges unique to each other’s lives and navigate them as best they can. Yes, the story was cheesy as hell, but you know what? It was a really pleasant read. I liked Devin all right, but only as a friend for the princess, and I didn’t care for Clarke at all. Otherwise, The Princess Swap was a lighthearted, feel-good book. 6.5/10, by no means is this book amazing, but I’m a sucker for princess stories, and like I said, the book was pretty light and enjoyable.

The Cursed Heart book 1: June 8, 2022 – September 14, 2022

Let me preface this by saying that I did not like Kieran at all. They were ugly, creepy, and possessive, and yes, I’m aware they eventually change for the better, but they really left a bad taste in my mouth. The plot was centered around us being claimed by Kieran and eventually trying to find their missing heart pieces to cure them of their beastly form and general hollowness. That being said, I love the rest of the book. The outfits, backgrounds, character designs, and music are all gorgeous. No joke, The Cursed Heart, in my opinion, is the most aesthetically beautiful book in the app. Not to mention, we meet Leaf, who is absolutely precious. 5.5/10, the rating would be MUCH higher, but Kieran really takes away from the book since the plot is centered entirely around them.

The Nanny Affair book 3: June 24, 2022 – November 4, 2022

The only good things about this book were Carter, the twins, and the fact that this was the last book in this wretched series. We deal with Sam’s former wife coming back from the dead and contend with forced, trashy interpersonal conflict with her while we plan our wedding. Sam and the MC’s relationship continues to be toxic as hell, unpleasant to watch, and impossible to root for. Even worse, Jenny and Aditya start their own affair because Sam and the MC have enabled them, and unsurprisingly, we’re forced to continue enabling them. I can’t even do the horrid quality of this book justice so I’m not even going to try. 0/10, yes I know it’s a 1-10 rating list but fuck it, this book is just that bad. As I said, the only redeeming qualities of the book are Carter and the twins, but not even they can get this book any points. Speaking from experience, falling into a hole is more fulfilling than engaging with this content. This book and series as a whole are so transcendently bad that if they were an actual real-life book, it would be a Worstseller, and I’m so happy this two-year-long nightmare is finally over.

Immortal Desires book 1: July 6, 2022 – October 12, 2022

Immortal Desires is kind of a weird one for me. On one hand, the beginning to early middle is so slow and such a huge chore to play through, but on the other hand, the rest of the book plus Gabe and Cas are so awesome. The premise of a vampire serial killer and cult is honestly kinda metal as fuck, but Gabe and Cas are where the book REALLY shines. They’re each other’s perfect foils and I love interacting with them and seeing them interact with each other. Plus, my parrot loves M!Gabe. And, full disclosure, Gabe and Cas were the only love interests I actively wanted to pursue since Tom Sato from It Lives Beneath. 8.5/10, the story’s pacing was kind of fucked but Gabe and Cas are priceless.

Slow Burn: August 19, 2022 – November 25, 2022

Not much to say about this one. Generic and repetitive contest/competition plot, bland MC, uncompelling Big Bad. I didn’t care about Julian/Julia, and Everett/Yvette had absolutely ZERO chill and always got on my nerves. 3/10, super boring and uninspired, Chef Flynt Stop Losing Your Fucking Temper Challenge 2022.

Murder at Homecoming: September 14, 2022 – December 21, 2022

This one really got my attention when it was announced: our character investigates a murder at homecoming, but I bet you couldn’t guess that from the title. Our character is sort of a busybody and they’re absolutely not perfect in any way, but I truly do think they’re the best MC we’ve gotten in a very, very, VERY long time. Also, they’re named after Valentine from The Two Gentlemen of Verona, and I am a shameless sucker for Shakespeare. I also like all the love interests, and I love the non-binary rep we got. The love story between Gabbie Navarro and Joanna Morgan was incredibly tragic and really made me stop and think for a while. But unfortunately, as is the case with most modern Choices books, the ending was very…lackluster, to say the least. 8/10, I love a good murder mystery and the high school setting actually made it considerably more interesting. The ending was a letdown, though.

Laws of Attraction book 2: September 30, 2022 – present

I was originally very worried about this book, because the cliffhanger at the end of book one made it seem like it was going to be an us vs. Martin book. In a way, it is, but Pixelberry really threw us a curveball when we, Aislinn, and Gabe left McGraw-Byrne and formed our own firm. We spend the book uncovering a conservatorship conspiracy which runs all the way up to the mayoral candidate of New York City. I’ve always loved the MC, and they only get better in this book. My only complaint is Joaquin. As someone who has repeatedly hooked up with him in diamond scenes, he is creepy as hell to people who aren’t interested in him. Otherwise, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the book so far, and though it still has one chapter to go, my rating isn’t going to change unless they REALLY fuck it up somehow. 9/10, likable cast of characters, interesting plot and mystery, badass MC, Sorcha fucking Flannery.

The Phantom Agent: October 19, 2022 – present

Not much to say about this one either. The Phantom Agent is basically an amalgamation of Most Wanted and Crimes of Passion. Agent Gray is an incredibly dull love interest and I can’t stand their dynamic with the MC because it’s that super boring cocky/flirty and stubborn partner pairing again. I also can’t stand the MC either because they’re so goddamn annoying. I find myself very bored and unimpressed as I progress through the book and at this point, nothing can save it for me. 3/10, everything is boring. That is all.

Surrender book 2: December 28, 2022 – present

I hate that we have to have TWO Surrender books on this list, but this one unfortunately barely meets the date cutoff. Solely based on the two chapters I’ve read so far, this book is shaping up to be just as awful as the first. 1.5/10, all the same reasons as the first book, but that extra half a point is because I think this book has the potential to improve on the original material. Because let’s be honest here, I don’t really think they could make the book worse.

[krikeymate]

Top 5 moments of your life thus far.

These can be good, bad, or any variation thereof.

Please feel free to disregard if it's too personal of an ask.

Honestly, I... am so boring. Not a lot has happened in my life to be honest, for better or worse.

Top has definitely been deciding to make those Scream posts back in March, I've got to talk to and befriend so many incredible people because of that, and I've never been in a better place mentally. Even in my low moments, I've bounced back faster than ever before. It's really made a significant impact on me as a person and helped continue my growth, and I don't have the words to describe how thankful I am. This fandom experience has been my favourite so far from the past... god, 20 years. I want to give a special shoutout to Bailey and Dreamer, who have inspired me so much and I am so incredibly lucky to call them my friends, I don't remember what it's like before they started talking to me and gave me a chance. One that people really haven't before. Friends, real friends, aren't something I have much experience with.

I guess another formative experience has to be my first foray into fanfiction, I was like 9, maybe younger, it was Pokemon, it was an independent little website as was the norm back in the day, AAML 4 lyfe. God I feel old. Anyway those fics were NOT APPROPRIATE and I still think of them to this day. Would love to reread them, but doubt they're still around, and even if they are it would be impossible to find I think.

Over a decade ago now, when I was much younger, I made a couple of fandom friends, that ended badly, but I don't regret making them. They were important and formative for me too, and more importantly, one of them was the first person to ever call me Kai, instead of my full username Kaishei, although now I tend to go by Kailyr, and that... it changed my life. It felt right.

Uhm. I can drive? I passed my driving test in 2021... on like the fifth attempt or something in two years - and barely at that. The instructor literally said I was a borderline fail, but he decided to pass me because he can see that I know how to drive. And also because I said I was probably going to give up if I failed. I hate driving, it's very stressful, but necessary where I live now.

Oh, when I was like five - yes, literally 5 - I played my first real video game, back in 1999. I'd played some, some educational ones. But this was a real video game, and it was - there's a pattern you see - not age-appropriate. The game was Dungeon Keeper (Gold), and it is to this day my very favourite game of all time, the game that nothing since has matched for me.

As a bonus, here's some things I'm really looking forward to: Top Surgery, eventually (the UK trans medical system is a joke); Dreamer coming to visit me next year; when I eventually get to go visit Dreamer on their turf too; and getting to decorate my new bedroom in the house my parents have just bought, and having some real space to make it my own and exist.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Quick! Name your fav unfinished/abandoned fanfics. Maybe shouting their names into the void will bring them back like some kind of Beetlejuice situation.

(A gal can dream lol)

Cool ask!! You didn't ask me to specify a fandom, so I didn't. As I've been going through my bookmarks, tagging them and sorting them into the correct collections, I've noticed several unfinished that I miss. Please do not judge how incredibly insanely varied my tastes are. If an author had a tumblr, I tagged it. Please note this list is heavily influenced by nostalgia:

At the Office by wolfqueen1015 , 62/70 chapters, The 100, multiship (but I read it for linctavia (Lincoln/Octavia Blake)), last updated 2/22/2021.

As a linctavia shipper, I actually did not care if Clarke was with Bellamy or Lexa, and read many a fic I enjoyed that went either way for side linctavia. (I will sincerely apologize for that @catthestral497). This is a bellarke fic, beware. It's just a silly stupid social media fic that I found really funny in 10th grade, and I actually think is still funny. I want my last eight chapters.

operation braven by orphan_account , 19/? chapters, The 100, multiship (but I read it for linctavia (Lincoln/Octavia Blake)), last updated 7/3/2018.

It's my honest prerogative to say The 100 is a bad show, it's really not good, but I have read this fanfiction all the way through at least five times and some of it lives in my brain in place of childhood memories. Again, it's a silly social media fic but it's so funny, I miss it.

Infinite Variations by Someone_else_before , 17/? chapters, Stranger Things, mileven (Mike Wheeler/Eleven), last updated 1/1/2018.

My guilty pleasure for so so long has been 2016 post season one Stranger Things fics. I think they have infinitely cooler plotlines than the actual show. This is slightly different, it's a full season one rewrite where the Demogorgan never comes and never takes Will, and Eleven and Mike meet through dreams. I could die to find out how this fic ends, it's been like six years.

Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend series by Kereea , 15/? works, Phineas and Ferb, perryshmirtz (Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus), last updated 8/29/2020.

STAY WITH ME ON THIS. Me and my roommate decided to explore this tag as a joke (highly recommend), and I stumbled upon this?? Incredibly sweet and wholesome gem?? Anyways its about a human Perry who quits OWCA and adopts the kids after his brother Lawrence and Lawrence's wife Linda die in a car accident (insane premise) and then him and Doof raise the kids with Vanessa? It's literally so wholesome and cute and family friendly, god I love this fic I have to go read it again I wish there was more.

New Elysium by Cloud_Nine , 16/? chapters, The Walking Dead, multiship (but I read it for gleggie (Glenn Rhee/Maggie Greene) and richonne (Rick Grimes/Michonne)) last updated 3/21/2021.

This fanfiction. Lives with me almost every day, I am FURIOUS that there isn't more of it. This is a fic about the members of Rick's group waking up before the apocalypse began but some have their memories of the events to come, so they start gathering, finding each other, and setting up the best location to hunker down. I just for some reason could spend hours reading about their little house mission and the seeds and working on getting generators to the farm, god, the tension of the time ticking down gets me.

New Chat Created: North Island Daggers by Comin2U , 24/24 (now marked complete), Top Gun movies, multiship (but I read it for icemav (Tom "Iceman" Kazansky/Pete "Maverick" Mitchell) and a lil for the hangster (Jake "Hangman" Seresin/Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw), last updated 7/29/2022.

This fic, ohohoho. By now you all know I love a social media au, a text fic, anything of the sort. But this fic is creme of the crop of any social media au. It's just so magnificent. It's my fav thing ever, which is found family, and involves my two favorite things to see in a Top Gun fic; icemav adopting the dagger squad post mission, and also the Daggers being shocked and then pissed at Rooster when they discover Mav is married to Ice. Also Ice using sign is always a fucking bonus to me.

Spider Sully series by @alexihollis , 11/? works, James Cameron Avatar movies, Spider Socorro & Sully Family, last updated 4/11/2023.

I've raved about this fic enough for you all, but once again! This is the og and if I had my way it would go on forever and ever and never end. Especially now that it's ended up on the front lines fighting for aocorro, which you all also know I've recently decided I enjoy.

I Believe We're The Enemy by reginalds , 7/10 chapters, Spartacus (2010), nagron (Nasir/Agron), last updated 8/13/2015.

This fanfiction was last updated in 2015, but I only watched 2010 Spartacus in 2021 and that's what hurts most of all, huh? What a fantastic show. There would probably be a ton more nagron fics on here but I stopped reading unfinished fics from 2012 😔. Like genuinely though I've bled that fandom dry, I've read every single Barca/Pietros fic that exists.

The Pride of Burrough House by RonsGirlFriday @constitutionalweasleymonarchy , 23/65 chapters, Harry Potter series, multiship, last updated 12/8/2023.

This fic is still being updated, I believe it's just slow because each chapter is an epic. It's just really cool and you all should read it. It's a regency era Harry Potter fic which like, all the ships getting their own plot. Also love love Harry just, growing up rich and cool with his parents lol. I think the dialogue is super fun and I'm very invested in every characters plot so far.

a study in poor judgement by cze , 7/8 chapters, The Goldfinch, boreo (Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky), last update 8/29/2022.

It's so close though!!! I've read every boreo fanfiction that exists too, and for a bummer of a book, it's a bummer of a fandom as well lol. This fic (although it also manages to be a bummer), puts Theo in such a funny predicament that it combats enough of the bummer-ness that I just loved it. And just like almost every other boreo fic, it's stupidly well written.

Best Laid Plans by voiceoftime @music-is-love-90 , 30/40 chapters, Bridgerton, kanthony (Kate Sharma/Anthony Bridgerton), last updated 3/24/2023.

This is my favorite of my favorite type Bridgerton fics to read, which is Kate and Anthony courting from the beginning instead of the nonsense with Edwina. And this one is just *chefs kiss* I think it's still being updated as well though. Hopefully.

Holding On and Letting Go by Nizhoni93 , 9/? chapters, The Black Phone, rinney (Finney Blake/Robin Arellano), last updated 9/8/2023.

I have pushed this fic before, but once again it is absolutely heartbreaking. I cried seven separate times reading just one of the chapters. I need it finished so I know if it works the fuck out, because I literally cannot handle ghost Robin being stuck watching the boy he loves but can't see him for the rest of Finney's life.

When Eywa Sleeps, So Do Her Children by Aye_Dei , 9/9 (now marked as complete), James Cameron Avatar movies, Ao'nung/Neteyam/Spider, last updated 10/23/2023.

This one is a massive bummer, as it was ended due to newfound bigotry, but I was really enjoying it before it was discontinued.

And finally, I just wanted to express my deep disappointment that my icemav Star Wars au was deleted halfway through. I'm mad about it.

[cyberdragoninfinity]

oh! iii/trey/michael for the character meme!

TREEEEYYY MY LITTLE STARBUCKS PINK DRINK

First impression: when he first showed up in Duel Links in like. i think like late 2021?? I was like "oh ok so that puppet freak from earlier has a little brother, INTERESTING" <--*ominous thunder as i think about How Bad Yugioh Siblings Get Me* didnt think too much of him beyond that except maybe "oh i dont. know how i feel about. his deck archetype"

Impression now: OUGHH....TREY....TREY MICHAEL III MY LITTLE GUY. i didnt expect him to be my favorite Arclight brother but he's just. So good. He's 15 and he wants his family to be alright and he wants to be useful and he wants to have friends and his design is adorable and he has a SWORD. Sobbing crying pounding my fists on the pavement. He's like the embodiment of 🙃 as a person. Smiling but barely keeping it together. I would kill for him.

Favorite moment: HIS WHOLE DUEL WITH YUMA. IS PROBABLY MY TOP FAVORITE ZEXAL DUEL STILL but especially when he's just like "if i do this maybe I can be of some use to my father and my family *literally attempts a murder-suicide that almost ends the world*. It blasted my brain clear into the stratosphere. ALSO the moment in Zexal II when he throws a sword at Mr. Heartland. HOT PINK BITCH NAMED BREAKFAST.... ATTACK!

Idea for a story: I think a post-canon Zexal story where Yuma invites both Trey and Vector over for some kind of hang out would be, really really funny. They're gonna get into a fight about who's closer to Yuma and it's only gonna dissolve when Trey realizes Vector has Fuckign Biblical Times Era Memories and can ask him about 400 B.C. era art and architecture. They're talking about Persepolitan columns now. Yuma just wants to play duel monsters.

Unpopular opinion: IDK IF IT'S UNPOPULAR OR NOT BUT I STILL. DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT CHRONOMALIES. ive said it before the concept is cool but WHY. DID THEY GIVE A DECK FULL OF INDIGENOUS ARTWORK TO A LITTLE WHITE BOY. AND MAKE IT ALL ~MYSTICAL.~ ERM. WELL !

Favorite relationship: I do absolutely adore his friendship with Yuma and how that's progressed over the course of the show, but his bond with his family makes me especially absolutely beastmode Hooting Hollering Crying. This kid is loyal almost to a fucking fault and he just loves the people he's close to SO much. HE JUST WANTED TO BE USEFUL FOR HIS DAD. HE JUST WANTED HIS FAMILY TO GO BACK TO NORMAL. GOD. shoutout also to his dynamic with Quattro, which I love. guy going freak mode and his baby brother watching the carnage like <:)

Favorite headcanon: autistic with the Ancient Civilization special interest Of All Time. In a few years time this kid's gonna come out as nonbinary and start messing around with neopronouns we can only dream of. Surprisingly ruthless board game player. Picks up slang from Yuma and can't stop. Likes fizzy bubbly drinks.

[capow02]

hi hi hello hi I think you're my only sio mutual that's active anymore (': I looked up the welcome 2 elsewhere site because I just randomly remembered it earlier and honestly am I the only one who misses that era? like the bright and colorful aesthetic with the super trippy and horror visuals? the arg they put together? the dyed hair? like maaaan don't get me wrong I'm happy about the new era but elsewhere was taken from us too soon </3 maybe I need to make more art of it lol

Hi!! I'm so glad you sent this ask because I love the elsewhere era so much, I could genuinely talk about it for hours. So here, have this extremely long essay about my experience.

I discovered set it off in early 2021, so the elsewhere era was the first full album cycle I experienced. And my god it was perfect! I was on holiday when the website went up along with the teaser for skeleton, and I remember so clearly trying to figure out all the puzzles before retreating alone back to our hotel room to figure out minesweeper. The feeling of excitement as the discord was going crazy trying to figure everything out was unmatched!

And then skeleton came out, and I was genuinely obsessed. I had just moved into an awful shared house for my second year at uni, so I drowned all my sorrows by putting the song on repeat, drawing the band almost constantly and of course, making the lyric video that would start my channel! The hype was so massive, the dyed hair was iconic, I genuinely lived and breathed the multicoloured aesthetic. I bought every single merch thing I could (my room decor and t shirts still reflect this.) I got a switch that year, and immediately named my island elsewhere.

Every time the website changed, the excitement was so palpable that I dropped everything I was doing when it happened. Of course I had projector and who's in control on loop when they came out, and while I didn't like them as much as skeleton, they built so much hype for the album it was unreal. I even attended an online concert a couple months before the album came out, and it took place so late at night that I went to sleep at 5am while having to get up at 8. I was that committed.

And remember the teasers they posted to instagram and twitter? The ones they posted at 5pm every wednesday and sunday, where unscrambling the code revealed the next song title, the ones I based my elsewhere lyric videos off? I actually set an alarm on my phone so I could catch these as soon as they appeared, I was that desperate to know the next title! And of course the discord went crazy each time, the energy was unmatched. And when the album actually came out, oh my god. It was on loop for over 6 months. I thought taste of the good life was a gift from god, the amount of times I listened to it.

The hype continued throughout 2022, as demos kept coming out through the fanclub (which I paid full money for, getting one of my favourite ever hoodies in the process) and each demo seemed to be better than the next. I still have no idea how the truth about lying was cut from elsewhere and playing with bad luck stayed.

Also, I was so excited for my first ever sio concert that november. And the day 100% lived up to the expectations! I gave the boys some stickers in vip which they loved, and even got a hug from zach after explaining an obscure talk it off reference on one of his stickers. I made some great friends in line, even though I got seated tickets so I had to be separated from them, but I did still get great seats. And the concert itself!! I'm so glad I can say I've seen third wheel live, even if it was in the medley. And I still remember the pure joy I felt when I waved at cody and he waved back at me during uncontainable.

By the start of 2023 and all the "scandals" and stuff started happening, along with their slow retreat off of all social media, I could tell the era was gradually ending and I was really sad. It fully sunk in when they stopped dying their hair, and I was devastated, I almost forgot what they looked like with natural hair. Although I will say I probably got more closure on the era than you guys in america, because I actually made it to one of the end of elsewhere shows here in the uk.

I have to say, that was probably the best night of my life. I paid full price for the vip this time, so I got to actually hang around and talk to them before the show. I also got standing tickets, and managed to get barrier, which was so close to the stage I could've reached out and touched cody countless times. It was wild, and I enjoyed every second. Of course, 4 days later punching bag released, marking the proper end of elsewhere. (And they haven't toured the uk since.)

I miss this era so goddamn much. I have so much nostalgia for it, even though its barely been a year since it ended, and I really wish the current era's branding was as strong. I always felt so close to the band during elsewhere, with all the talk it off episodes and them noticing me on social media. The sense of community was strong, and I miss it a lot now they've stopped posting anything. Idk, I might be biased because it was my first time experiencing a full era.

Anyway, if you actually read all that, thanks! I really needed a good reminisce. And yes, you should make more art of elsewhere! The visuals were unmatched, especially in the music videos 💜💜

[podraje]

It's my 26th birthday today 🥹 bye, bye nice paycheck, hello paying taxes 😔

Since my birthday used to be a very depressing day for me ever since I turned 20, and it's not any more (the growth, hello?), I want to make a post summarizing the 25th year of my life.

Positive things that happened in my 25th year of life:

I got a stable job. A nice one. Close to what I studied in Uni, so I might say, that I'm almost working in my profession. But most importantly the workplace is nice, the people are very human, the paycheck is (or at least was, gonna see if I get equalization [?]) pretty good.

Reffering to getting that job - I've learnt so much this year! Also, I had the opportunity to travel to some places I've never been to before. Very nice.

I've read 26 (or 27?) books since last November. That's a nice upgrade, since I used to only read, like 10 books a year.

I didn't give up on writing, even tho I had a very hard time this year. I figured out some stuff around structure. I totally scrapped the 3rd chapter, since I won't be doing this person pov (and for the longest time I thought I would). I re-wrote the entire 1st and 2nd chapter.

I got excited about my story again! Or I think I did.

I got my boyfriend to go on a trip with me! Juhu. (He very much likes to spend time at home, and I really want to see stuff around the world. Don't get me wrong, I love being cozy at home, and I'm not some sort of big traveler, but there are some places that I want to see, and some experiences that I want to have. Also, until the end of last year, we both were struggling with jobs = with money, and weren't able to do much of traveling or doing cool things. So the thing I'm most proud of this year, is that we both got decent jobs, with normal contracts of employment! 💚He recently had his 1st year anniversary. I have yet to get to that point, as for today I have been working at my job for 9 months).

What I want to do / accomplish in my 26th year of life:

• I want to buy a car 🚗 and have more summer trips (or any, tbh) around the area.

- By next November, I want to be at least close to finishing up my first draft (God help me, cause I cannot see this insecure, lazy and full of imposter syndrome ass, doing it without some divine help).

- I wanna keep my job 👍🏻(no really, we are having a tough time [or at least I am] and I'm constantly anxious and scared. I don't want to get fired. My anxiety is so high, last time I felt this bad and stressed was 2021. We are planning an event rn, and I've never done it before and things are not going as smoothly, as I thought they would. So I'm pissing myself. After the event is done, it'll be alright again).

• Travel to one of the places from my list with my bf. We really didn't get a chance to travel together in those years we've been together. I think it's time (granted we both are in stable financial situation).

• Read some more. And read books that make me feel smarter.

And I think that's it.

[orcelito]

🎶✨️when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)🎶✨️

(hope i don't bother you with this ask ! have a great day/night/whatever)

oh i listen to so so soooo many songs . uhm. i guess i'll choose some of my current favorites? oh maybe a favorite song from each of my favorite bands! ...of which there are definitely more than 5. but top 5 favs i guess???? or current 5 favs??? i dont think i can call these necessarily my Top 5 favs bc i have so many bands & artists i like at different times for different reasons BUT IF I HAD TO CHOOSE... ok this is going by band order i guess for current fixation but:

Sorrow - IAMX. ive been obsessively into IAMX recently to the extreme. for months. and i love soooooooo so many songs of theirs. but this song? Sorrow? it's the one that did it for me. I Come With Knives was the initial one that kicked this off, but going to Sorrow is what made me like "man i DESPERATELY need to listen to more of their music". NOT my very first IAMX song, that title belongs to Volatile Times, which ive known for like some ten years :p but only recently listened to more of their music and i have NOT looked back. as a bonus Sorrow reminds me a lot of ITNL Vash. perhaps part of the fixation on it lol

Nothing Personal - Des Rocs. picking a favorite song from him was nearly impossible bc im obsessed obsessed obsessed with his music. legit last year on my spotify wrapped all of my top 5 songs were his. OBSESSED. 'A Real Good Person In A Real Bad Place' is still undisputedly one of my fav albums EVER & the reason for that top 5 songs thing. but Nothing Personal is the first Des Rocs song i ever heard & what made me go "Oh my God???" & it still makes me lose my total shit when i listen to it lksdjflskjdf. honorary mention to Why Why Why, which was the other one i considered for him. also love that shit sooo much.

I Never Told You What I Do for a Living - My Chemical Romance. just so you know picking a single favorite song for MCR was near impossible. so much of their music makes me absolutely insane in the best of ways & picking just ONE?????? impossible. but i chose this one bc it's one that makes me EXTRA lose my shit anytime i listen to it. like fucking Belting it out. this one's The One. i can't give you special mentions for MCR bc there are too many. too fucking many. god i still love MCR so much

Armageddon - Blue Stahli. fucking love Blue Stahli's stuff, it's SOOO fun to listen to, & Armageddon probably really is my fav of theirs. i end up just jumping along to this song so much. it's a jumping song !!! so much fun to listen to !!!! also really paints a picture of me that a fav song of mine is just "Armageddon, come come and get it! Armageddon, baby!" the whole The Devil album is soooooooooo much fun & also an album i had a Mood for. back in uhh oct 2021 i wanna say. around there. special mentions for Takedown, Kill Me Every Time, and Power Outrage (this last one especially, OH MAN this also makes me lose my shit in the best of ways)

Mr. Fear - SIAMES. in a dramatic tone change from the other choices, i really am quite fond of SIAMES's music. it's my chill music. & this song specifically is sooooooooo full of longing and wistfulness. it's the first one of theirs i listened to & it's so......... waaaaaaaaaaaaa.. special mention to Brothers, which i very nearly chose bc im obsessed with that song too, but Mr. Fear has had my heart in a chokehold since i first listened to it Years ago. had to answer that one.

uhm. there are 5! additional special mentions to Capricorn by Xan Griffin, Maniac by Stray Kids, and Lovesong by TXT, which are all individual songs i've had MASSIVE obsessions with in the past. the Repeat On End kinds of songs. im being a bad STAY by not including Stray Kids in the favorite bands list but i havent been listening to their music as much lately. feeling these top 5 much more rn

[adultswim2021]

Titan Maximum #2: "Busted" | October 4, 2009 - 11:30PM | S01E02

The second dang episode of Titan Maximum is basically a second pilot, taking us through how the newly formed team navigates the bureaucracy of the future government in order to get a replacement giant robot to pilot and have space adventures with. There’s also a little bit of advancement with the villain of the show, a former member of the team. I don’t think I touched on that aspect even a little bit last time. The important thing to know is, they get themselves reinstated with the military and the little brother nerd kid is their new engineer, producing a new mech that’s seemingly superior in every way, except the face is hastily drawn on. The episode ends with them about to do their first actual episodic adventure.

The main characters on the show are mostly dicks. We see them do stuff that dicks do to be dicks and for no other reason other than because they are dicks. That’s the comedy, dicks being dicks. Okay. That’s fine, I guess, if you're not me. In this one we have a flashback to them raping the “statue of unity”, because they were drunk and acting arrogantly for, again, no real reason. Then at one point they do a joke where a grunt foot soldier in another part of the story says an obvious sexual joke out loud and there’s pronounced awkward silence. It’s just like, man, what point are you even making here?

There wasn’t a single funny joke in this whole episode. I started getting actually pissed off. So much so that I failed to keep good notes for this episode; I literally wrote “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS SUCKS” in a few different iterations without saying what I was reacting to. I should’ve been writing stuff like “the mean slut is showing her tits and being nasty.” Why, it’s like a season three episode of Sealab 2021, except for it probably took a year to animate instead of an afternoon.

I watched this on adultswim.com, and I’m probably going to get a DVD or download of this or something to watch instead. I was literally getting like, cartoonishly angry at this show, so much so that I started punching stuff. I am a lunatic, yes, but usually bad shows don’t upset me this much. Then, midway through the episode? I swear to fucking god, there was like 4 minutes of ads. They just jammed a commercial break in and it took for fucking ever. Every time a new ad started I actually started growling. Lotta ads for new shows coming soon to HBOMax. They all look like shit. Goddamn, I have never hated an app more than that app. I am thankful I don’t actually pay for it myself. 

To make it even worse: the one thing I stated as a positive about this show was the closing credits, which they interrupt for a lame callback joke. Then after the credits are over, they include a tag where a housekeeper explains an earlier joke where somebody pees in their space suit thinking it has a waste collection receptacle even though it doesn’t. Yeah, I saw that episode of Venture Bros. too.

MAIL BAG

got me katanas i want you to know, slicing up doors i want you to know, girl it's home movies i want you to know, don't know about you but i am wack...y coach mcguirk, wanna grow up to be, be a bob belcher

this was nice, pal, and I got a good laugh outta the deal. Well, see ya!

What can Delocated do in Season 2 to win you back? You seemed really down on it by the end. You didn't even like the part where he named all of Paul Rudd's lesser known movies.

You are full of shit! I literally named the final episode my favorite episode so far. I think all the feelings I had for the show roughly resembled the feelings I had for it back when it premiered. You're ignorant, pal.

He was in Anchorman, and The 40 Year Old Virgin, he was in The Shape of Things. He was in Clueless and Romeo + Juliet. He did a thing in Reno 911: Miami. The Cider House Rules. P.S. The Oh In Ohio. Knocked Up. He had a series of Broadway credits: The Last Night of Ballyhoo. Three Days of Rain with Julia Roberts. Twelfth Night at Lincoln Center. HE WAS IN HOUSE HUNTING!

"I like this" -me. See, now leave me alone.

Honestly I really like the *premise* of Titan Maximum. it's surprisingly earnest with it's deconstruction of Voltron, the character drama, the running story had a lot of potential, it looks great, Even the implied worldbuilding is fun. But like you said, the character writing is AWFUL. It's like a time capsule of the late 2000s "Workaholics" writers' board (twitter DOT com/podimportant/status/1369836756971835402). It sucks cause I like everything else about it but it really brings it down.

I probably should've noted this in the first episode, but I've never been a Voltron devotee. I don't remember ever watching it as a kid, and I've only seen a couple episodes as an Adult out of curiosity. So some of this show is probably lost on me. But the writing is so bad, I would highly doubt it would add anything for me.