#i dunno what to tell you thats at least internalized transphobia

[gremlingirlsmell]

the egg prime directive is transmisogynistic, joking about a cis person you know might be an egg is pretty harmless, and saying otherwise is transmisogynistic. hope this helps

[yammoba]

I have so many fucking hang ups about my gender but specifically in the context of my sexuality/romantic attraction but specifically in the context of yaoi

Like its absolutly an internalized transphobia kind of thing as well as some kind of internal hatred over being "cringe". And then i just feel like one of thise girls who just fetishizes mlm relationship because... i dunno.

Thats the thing. It doesnt feel like a fetish, i do know what fetishes are like. It feels, and has always felt like im serving some part of myself that gets no food otherwise. But i just struggle so much with that tiny voice that tells me im a cringe weirdo girl who fetishizes gay relationships and wants to be trans because of that. And not like... im trans and yaoi has been a wildy available way of exploring that on some level for over half my life.

And its like i dont really think i am a Man. Im a guy but not a Man you know? And the ways the guys in yaoi often are appeals to me because of those kinds of feelings. You know... theres lots of yaoi (and manga in general as well) where things are a bit more ambiguous and androgynous. Like yeah, the focus of uke seme roles is kinda annoying. And im glad stuff has diversified so much beyond that. But its just undeniable to me that yaoi has always been more relatable to me on multiple levels than any other kind of erotica and most other romances. And i know it can be that way for cis women. But when i try to think of reasons why that would be. Like why do i feel such a more intese degree of emotion. (I know i mostly feel that way when something feels reflective of some part of myself.) Its not the forbbiden romanice cause i litterally dont give a shit about other forbbiden romance and gennerally do not prefer "forbidden cause gay" romances. Its not relly the inherent gayness bc im pretty nutrsl about a lot of lesbian stuff. Or i at least like it with about the same passion as stright stuff.

I dont even think its an attraction to men type of thing. Or even much of an attraction thing at all. Most yaoi is not well drawn. And its extreamly rare for me to find anything that has 1) both guys are aesthetically attractive in a way that compliments each other and 2) have an attractive dynamic, or a dynamic that i can find appealing in -that- way

Honestly i think i read yaoi with a pretty different desire than when i read other porn. Getting into why is tmi. To say nothing of the ships i get invested enough in to care about. And i think it is to satisfy some kind of... gender yearning... I dont fucking know. Any time i try to think to hard about it i start internally transphobing at myself so its really hard.

There was a time where i thought i could embrace the fujoshi lable. Like i dont care about being cringe, i am anticringe. I still am. But it just never felt right.

its like... i m not fujoshi... i am... fudanshi...

Oh well. Ill just watch no. Six on repeat until i die.