#i dunno but i aint gonna risk it

[creative-clawmarks]

A second pass at my Zim design and his python-puppy face.

[doodlboy]

Lmao

[chainsawcorazon]

On the Spade Arc & Tabata’s Evasion of His Own Story like They’re Taxes or Some Shit

Since catching up on the manga, I been thinking about why I feel so detached from the story for the past eight or so chapters, even though I was fully invested right up until the actual invasion. As the arc progressed (quickly, I might add), I realized that I was experiencing an onslaught of powerups (cool!) and new characters (also cool!).

But in the process, I once again began to note Tabata’s really awful, no good, barely passable attempt at dropping hints that someone somewhere was committing violent war crimes, and then his evasion of his own goddamn plot points by turning the focus back to cool powerups and two-page spreads. Listen - I LOVE a great character design and sick spread, but Tabata, bro... You can’t sprinkle intrigue into the story once in a while, and then straight up run for the hills when it comes time to elaborate on the plot point. One thing I’ve noticed since I started reading the manga is that much of the story is essentially fill-in-the-blank, which is great fanfiction fuel, but does little to help build on the greater aspects of the story.

One of the reasons why I really loved the Elf Reincarnation Arc, despite its mediocre resolution, was the overarching theme of statehood’s responsibility in the face of historical war crimes. The arcs prior to the elves built up to this one major theme, through Gauche’s tale, through Vanessa’s childhood incarceration, through Finral’s exile, through Zora’s backstory, etc. Black Clover, though still a shounen depicting the common boy’s struggle in a world that’s overwhelmingly against him, was also a story about interspecies racism, poverty, genocide, and love. ERA especially encapsulated all those themes by having our MC face off against a villain who had every right to be a villain because he was a product of state-sponsored violence. ERA highlighted historical revisionism and deification. Lumiere death was historically revised from saving-friend-from-himself to king-saving-kingdom, and he himself was deified into an icon when he was ultimately a victim who died because of Clover’s crimes. The arc, through its many layers and staunch character-building, worked through some pretty intense themes while keeping true to the shounen flare.

And in the same breath, the resolution sucked every bit of intrigue from the gravity of the themes discussed, and pretty much reversed some key moments in order to keep the story as dry and non-problematic as possible. Moments that come to mind are Julius’ fake death, Patolli’s easy shift to the “good” side, Pato/Vetto/Rhya/Fana surviving the true death, etc.

When I started the Spade Arc, I wondered how Tabata was going to be able to balance his editors and his own passion for writing bootleg Berserk, because by the time Baby Julius made an appearance, it was becoming more and more obvious that whatever heavy themes he wanted to depict would need to be watered down in their execution, or risk getting wiped altogether. 

When I saw that Spade started with an attempted rape, I was taken aback, because wasn’t this the same mangaka who pussied out with Julius going six feet under? I let it go, thinking he’d eventually explain what exactly was going down in Spade, but here we are several powerups later, Liebe out of his grimoire and Asta with his Demon Union form, and we still don’t know what the actual fuck is going on in Spade, what the fuck the Dark Triad is actually doing, and how it all ties into the overall themes of love, poverty, racism, genocide, and of course, a state’s responsibility to its citizenry. 

Part of it is because Tabata’s done everything in his power to avoid talking about it all this time. We get tidbits here and there, and then it’s on to the next battle, the next powerup, the next spread, etc. I feel bad for the man, I really do, I’m sure he’s experiencing the same creative restrictions that the mangaka of old have had to go through, but it’s exhausting to flip through battle after battle and not get any insight into why the story’s going down the way it is. Why do Dante and his siblings want to sacrifice their own people to demons, why is Lucifero so quiet, why the Spade Kingdom sitting on two ancient demons, how Patolli and Co. manage to sneak into Spade, and so on and so forth. The threads wouldn’t be such a problem if they made sense on a larger scale, but with the Clover civil war and the continent-wide war arcs looking less and less likely, something’s gotta give.

I feel like Tabata thinks it’s gonna be a big surprise when he drops whatever plot twist it is that he’s cooking up, but the arc’s definitely lost its initial luster and I think part of it is because we didn’t get an elaboration on the circumstances of the Spade situation, like we did with ERA, the Witch Forest Arc, even Gauche’s early arc, etc. We still know next to nothing about the Dark Triad, and now that Asta’s finally on his way to Spade, I kind of feel like Tabata lost sight of his own tale in the midst of slapping together some demon designs. 

The only reason I bring it up is because I worry he’s gonna punk out again. Dante is a canonical creep, and Vanica aint that far behind. Unlike Patolli, who became a terrorist because of Clover and foreign interference (Zagred), I don’t know what Tabata could do to apologize for the Dark Triad. Maybe he won’t. One can only hope. I still worry, because now the kingdom knows Julius is a baby, and Damnatio’s witnessed Asta cutting down the big demon, so like, if Tabata were to punk out, he easily could by making Damnatio eat his words for doubting Asta’s loyalty to Clover. 

I dunno. Something just aint right about this arc. It feels like it could be such a big piece of the story, but there are just so many holes. Feel like we need a Turn Back the Pendulum Arc for Spade just so we could get some goddamn detail. I’m tired of filling in the blanks for this twink. Give me the mcfucking lore Tabata, I’m tired.

tl;dr: Spade Kingdom arc, as a whole, has been incredibly mid. Little lore, even less elaboration on key themes, doesn’t really tie into the greater themes in the story, and a lot of the intensity is downplayed or just straight up ignored. Definitely sense that Tabata and the editors aint on the same page with this one. Arc ending has a potential of going either really well or really bad, and I’m afraid it’s gonna go the bad route especially if Tabata goes the ERA resolution route.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: Hey

Joe: my flatmate has some work I reckon your mate might be interested in

Joe: but it’ll sound a bit dodgy coming from me so you wanna pass it along?

Joe: moneys alright for no real work, depending on how you look at it

Ronnie: never done any work as a secretary myself

Ronnie: write your own fucking love notes

Joe: I see that

Joe: your accent down the 📞?

Joe: no cunt here’d understand you, never mind the demeanour

Joe: yeah, well, it’d really seem that way

Joe: but I actually need someone to take her off my hands

Ronnie: racism as foreplays playing to the wrong crowd hes more into homo bashing

Ronnie: errr dunno how you read his demeanor mckenna but he aint taken a her off anyones hands since before any of us had phones

Joe: i’ll keep that in mind

Joe: well homophobic of me to not tell him myself so he’s welcome for the freebie

Joe: not actual escorting

Joe: she does art, her life drawing class needs a model

Joe: I ain’t fucking doing that

Joe: tell me I ain’t 📖 him right on that one

Ronnie: fucks sake if youd said it was cash for cock wed be done talking already

Joe: I just did

Joe: sound, she’ll be made up, she’ll get off my case, and he’ll get £15 an hour, apparently 👌

Ronnie: sexist not to ask me

Ronnie: pass that on to your little gf

Joe: weren’t her idea to ask Charlie

Joe: you’ll have to take up that grievance with me as well

Joe: I’ll just point out it’d be even weirder if I’d have asked you

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: how much £ you offering me to bang you

Joe: if I did no point paying you to do it for her and her class and not me

Joe: that’s an interesting take on cucking though, loads that would go for it, I’m sure

Ronnie: ill write it down as youve made me go hunting for a pen in this shithole

Joe: cheers

Joe: take 20% commission or whatever

Joe: or take the IOU I owe him for doing this

Ronnie: you said it hed do this for fuck all ill take the lot and mary wont know it was a paid gig

Joe: if he can fend the flatmate off, undoubtedly a load of art gays he can have his pick of

Ronnie: that what youre telling yourself for why you dont want me to do it yeah

Joe: you wanna do it?

Ronnie: i want you to admit the reason you dont want me to is cause he scrubs up enough for horse girl and her course mates not to stage an intervention

Joe: not what it is so no

Joe: I know I don’t want to get my shit out in front of a load of middle class kids who know fuck all about fuck all, so I assumed as much for you

Ronnie: dont ever assume fuck all for or about me

Joe: why do you wanna do it so bad when like you said, you can pocket the cash and get him to?

Ronnie: i dont wanna fucking do it

Joe: well that’s grand ‘cos I reckon Sophie wants to see dick so

Joe: she’d be really let down

Ronnie: usually what gets you off

Ronnie: but im made up youre in love now like

Joe: please, she either don’t get it’s weird to ask me which means she’s some kind of special

Joe: or this is the start of her 50 shades fantasy and I have to be the let down to end all let downs and i’m already doing my best

Ronnie: rem is right to pay for it when she could just walk in on you taking a piss or having a shower

Joe: when you’re just a creep and not a predator 💔

Joe: not the girl my parents warned me about

Ronnie: if theyd be the type to go down the stables theyd have seen the other side of her

Joe: you’ve got your own daydreams, alright

Joe: put out the feelers, who isn’t a little gay these days, right

Ronnie: go ed and pass on ive got a bigger dick than him and she will have

Ronnie: i dont dream 💔

Joe: shame she isn’t equally inspiring for you

Joe: or anyone, really

Ronnie: cry about it with him when youre done pimping

Joe: what do you dream about then, when you’re awake

Ronnie: what you cant read me

Joe: clearly not

Joe: dashed your modelling dreams

Ronnie: blind and not able to read braille must be dead hard for you

Joe: is that sympathy?

Joe: or you offering me 🖐 to 👩🏼‍🦲 time

Ronnie: again you wish

Ronnie: 💭💉

Ronnie: cant make it any easier to understand soz

Joe: maybe I do

Joe: far as 💭s go

Ronnie: fuck maybe you do or you dont

Joe: well it ain’t why I don’t want to get my arms out for her

Joe: not tried it

Joe: but not a no

Ronnie: give a shit what you do or dont want to do for or to her

Joe: that is a no, tah

Ronnie: tell her not me baby

Joe: that’s not a big sister duty?

Joe: gutted

Ronnie: wouldnt know im the middle kid dorothy does that for us

Joe: i’ll ask him when i’m crying on him then

Joe: make a change for me

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: rack up the ious like a fat line hes gonna be made up

Joe: oi he’s like family ain’t he

Ronnie: &

Ronnie: you wanna fuck your mam

Ronnie: not oi ing you

Joe: well you get to think about me and him, you gave me her and you, not fair

Ronnie: life aint soft lad

Ronnie: and stopping at thinking about shit is the difference between me and you

Joe: I get it, you’ve gone there

Joe: purely here for the homophobia

Ronnie: your kinks match 💘

Ronnie: purely there so the lads dont kick off before hes got his kicks

Joe: see, you’ve got it in you 💘

Joe: the sisterly thing

Joe: my hate don’t get expressed by putting me in him though so I won’t run my mouth

Ronnie: not what ive got in me but im not giving you the talk just cause your ma didnt

Joe: you want a virgin to defile reckon Soph and her mates are prime, vampira

Ronnie: set it up with her ill show if i get no better offers

Joe: lucky girl

Joe: no more nights in doing doodles of cute girls that look like you

Ronnie: we dont look alike youll have to accept theyre of you

Joe: i fit less than you, by far

Ronnie: fuck off

Joe: sorry

Joe: it’s weird, say the least

Ronnie: i fit nowhere she made sure i dont

Joe: ditto

Joe: so buzzing i can write shit songs about it though

Ronnie: no

Ronnie: weve got fuck all in common

Joe: just the same mother

Joe: who put her shitty genetics and choices on us both at different times

Ronnie: i ain’t got a mother you cant cross out the un from wanted and act like its the same word

Joe: incubator then

Joe: she was 19 and still fucked, don’t think they had a five-year plan down

Joe: worse if she did, the state of

Ronnie: she made 1 choice for me shes still controlling you

Ronnie: were not the fucking same

Joe: you reckon

Ronnie: if you wanna claim it aint her fault youre this big of a pussy try it

Joe: you don’t think it’s my fault?

Joe: woah, just say you love me

Ronnie: i dont think about you when you aint trying to compare us

Joe: hot

Joe: I’ve thought about you plenty

Joe: uni ain’t that interesting

Ronnie: you came looking for me werent the other way round

Ronnie: you ain’t interesting to me mckenna

Joe: you reckon you’re fascinating, yeah?

Joe: fair enough

Ronnie: if your flatmate knows anyone doing doc film making they can wank over me lying in the gutter when youre done

Joe: nah

Joe: you don’t want control of your narrative

Ronnie: i dont want a narrative

Joe: then i’ll be the only wanker

Ronnie: in your dreams

Joe: well you painted such a lovely visual

Ronnie: black screen would get you going can stay in your own fucked head with no interference then like

Joe: Static is my kink

Joe: you know me so well

Ronnie: your fucking kink is not shutting the hell up til i do

Joe: i’m a gentleman

Joe: and i’m taking that review

Ronnie: youll get a lengthy one from my big brother when you are

Joe: you don’t have to settle for hearing it and getting your kicks second-hand

Joe: I’ll have to be somewhere to be unavailable for this life drawing class

Joe: let’s do something

Ronnie: what you paying me to babysit

Joe: you can ask my mammy or you can see what you can get

Ronnie: if i was gonna talk to her it wouldnt be about you

Joe: thank god

Joe: so take the risk

Ronnie: of what

Ronnie: boring me is asking too much of you

Joe: that’s surely a given

Joe: risk anything but

Ronnie: if I need rescuing again ill call you thats the only given Joe: you’re worse than her

Joe: christian grey or superman, like

Joe: gonna be BFFs yous, I can tell

Ronnie: you dont like being compared to cunts youre nothing like either funny that

Joe: touche

Joe: come on, what would convince you

Ronnie: if youre gonna beg then beg and if youre gonna show me something do it

Joe: I know you’d like to hear me beg but I can’t tell what you’d wanna see

Ronnie: then the answers nothing

Joe: nah

Joe: the answers you want to wait or you wanna be disappointed

Ronnie: why the fuck would I want either of those things

Joe: that’s what I’ll give you then

Joe: the opposite of that

Ronnie: thats meant to convince me yeah

Joe: nah, I am

Ronnie: like fuck will you

Joe: see, you want to be disappointed

Ronnie: ill be disappointed want has fuck all to do with it

Joe: if you don’t come and see

Ronnie: come where

Joe: see me

Joe: i’m new in town, I don’t know where to go

Joe: fuck sightseeing

Ronnie: [somewhere she’d hang out]

Ronnie: go there

Joe: now?

Ronnie: whenever you dont know where to go

Joe: okay

Joe: and I’ll see you there when you don’t

Ronnie: when im not fucking either of our flatmates

Joe: when you’re done being disappointed

Ronnie: when you prove yourself as not

Joe: you’ll see

Joe: I can’t show you over the phone

Ronnie: you could

Ronnie: im going nowhere on a bullshit promise cause im not a meff teenager

Joe: and I ain’t young enough to think that’s a good idea either

Joe: pictures not doing no favours

Joe: if you’re there and i’m there

Ronnie: big if

Joe: I never know where to be

Ronnie: newborn i heard you

Joe: something like that

Joe: if you can’t leave soph alone I’ll do my best begging 🥺

Ronnie: she cant leave you alone id be doing you a favour

Joe: true

Joe: wouldn’t wanna be caught doing that though

Ronnie: let you do the clean up after ive killed and ate her id be caught well fast for that instead

Joe: you’d get caught for being three times your size

Joe: she’s a big girl

Joe: you should share, be sworn to secrecy

Ronnie: doing her a favour i shouldve said

Ronnie: fuck all going for her

Joe: way to get in shape

Joe: she’ll appreciate us using her blood for something artsy on the walls

Ronnie: ill ask the basic white bitch i live with to give me a clue

Joe: 🍆 will be appropriate for her

Ronnie: 🐎

Joe: they might reckon she did it with her dying breath

Joe: very artist of her, dying how she lived

Ronnie: hurry the fuck up with your confession song if you want credit

Joe: you wanna hear me confessing so bad

Joe: but I might be able to hand that in so

Joe: hold on

Ronnie: it aint me whos a choir boy

Joe: ugh, I wish

Ronnie: cant chat shit about us having the same fantasies ive been touched by a old bloke wearing a dress and i dont rate it

Ronnie: standard surrounded by homos night out

Joe: yeah, and the nuns are never the hot kind

Joe: if they didn’t self-flagellate they’d be entirely uninteresting

Ronnie: 💔

Joe: yeah, it’s tragic being this bored/boring, say it ‘fore you have to bother

Ronnie: didnt invite you to no pity party and if thats where youre trying to get me to turn up to dont bother is right

Joe: you mean you don’t wanna talk about your feelings?

Joe: like you said, like being left alone with my own fucked up ones too much to try and start a therapy session

Ronnie: what fucking feelings dead above & below the waist like

Joe: dangerously close to sharing there

Joe: you got your 💉 already then?

Ronnie: wouldnt be this chatty if i had

Ronnie: unlucky you

Joe: I’m the one that wants to see you

Joe: so I’ll cope

Ronnie: cant even spell martyrdom proper so youve fucked yourself looking for a pat on the back off me by matching the definition up

Joe: i’ll just ring mum up yeah

Ronnie: your da if not but it wont have the same satisfying end for you like

Joe: 💔

Joe: validations the last thing i need

Joe: had a whole lifetime

Ronnie: you crawling back to me with a boner for the accent your mummys losing is the last thing i need

Ronnie: get on the scouse samaritans

Joe: don’t reckon that’s a job you’ll get any time soon either

Joe: ‘less the purpose is to make sure people go through with it

Ronnie: couldve fooled me if it aint what else is talking a sad cunts ear off about their problems gonna do

Joe: attention seekers anonymous

Ronnie: no need to meet you there i earned all them badges as a kid 🧷🩸

Joe: wouldn’t be caught 💀 obvs

Joe: keeping it secret adds another level of masochism anyway

Ronnie: does it fuck

Ronnie: keeps you feeling like a smug bitch you can still pass

Ronnie: miss me with that pussy shit

Joe: nah, that’s that i’m in control shit

Joe: it’s not that

Joe: the only thing you might be smug about is how oblivious everyone chooses to be

Joe: if it weren’t also depressing as fuck

Ronnie: dont give em the choice

Joe: why?

Ronnie: why the fuck would you want to

Joe: don’t need to be my mother’s next cause celebre

Joe: she can force the therapy and concern on any of the others, I don’t wanna get better or have to fake like I’ll even try

Ronnie: then dont

Ronnie: cut off your umbilical cord and wipe up the blood trail

Ronnie: not like she tries very hard to herd back the black sheep

Joe: maybe they know and don’t give a fuck 🤞

Joe: I know I ain’t going back so whatever

Ronnie: & you reckon weve got anything in common

Joe: just 50% of our DNA

Joe: never said we were twinsies

Ronnie: if youd have said id have spat in your face 1st time we met get it collected and the tests run

Joe: I wish

Joe: has your face healed

Ronnie: wheres the fun in letting it do that

Joe: 😏

Joe: we can pretend that’s inherited if you need

Ronnie: not 5 i dont play pretend

Joe: if you keep digging, reckon the ink will be gone and it’ll be pure scar tissue

Ronnie: calm the fuck down i can hear how turned on you are about it from here

Joe: spoilsport

Joe: just thinking, scar that only vaguely looks like 🍒s might be well more rugged for my transformation from baby to independent real boy

Ronnie: laughing cos i like pain not cause youre funny

Ronnie: when you see or hear it from wherever youre lurking

Joe: you don’t leave room for me to get the wrong idea, you’re alright

Joe: all them fucked ones are mine alone and already there

Ronnie: get your girlfriend to draw you a pin up & dont tell her youve changed the lass horse head to look like your mas

Ronnie: masc for masc in your bio before you know it and 🦋 tramp stamp to follow

Joe: you know my dad already has a tattoo that looks like her, no bullshit

Joe: and another dead girl on the other arm but that’s a whole other boring story

Joe: playing dress up is off the cards too if I’m ever gonna be a big boy

Ronnie: where do you keep his severed arm when youre not using it to fist yourself and how old were you when you cut it off

Ronnie: if we re telling stories

Joe: 😂

Joe: where we keep the horse

Joe: that en-suite is massive

Ronnie: if he finds out it was a paid gig ill know where to crash

Joe: still gutted she don’t wanna see you naked

Ronnie: youre a liar if you dont wanna see her face seeing me

Joe: don’t know if anyone could be bothered to look at her when you’re about but yeah

Joe: the trauma would really fuel me and make her much more bearable to live with

Ronnie: youre welcome like

Joe: gotta stop being nice to me

Joe: you know stalkers, give ‘em an inch

Ronnie: telling me what to do is the fastest way 🖕

Ronnie: and i know you dont have an inch to give me making the best of this shitshow is what an optimist like me has gotta do

Joe: obviously you’re that type

Joe: not having it in common will have you back 👍

Joe: you’re inspiring, like

Ronnie: chop off my arms and legs and get a camera set up in the en-suite

Joe: you’d fit in my cello case then, could take you everywhere

Ronnie: course youve had a measuring tape out

Joe: hate to kill your optimism with 🍆

Joe: have a go at pushing it back in

Ronnie: how longs your tongue reckon that could kill any girls optimism

Joe: 💔 if it was only good for chatting your ear off

Ronnie: [send him a picture of your weird gross split tongue because obviously]

Joe: [how does that not make you lisp, or does it, I always think that]

Joe: that’s why you’ve not had an invite

Joe: 🚫🐍

Ronnie: gutted

Joe: you know you can show up and do whatever you wanna do whenever

Joe: I’ll take you back

Ronnie: this performance art is meant to what just scare her or teach you how to get her to back the fuck off as well as

Ronnie: im not a fucking tour guide mckenna & you can get yourself evicted without my help

Joe: you know I meant to Dublin

Joe: don’t think it’d take much to scare Sophie off, give it a month for us to both get comfortable and she’ll see what I ain’t

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: I said if you want

Ronnie: dont need your permission to do anything i want

Joe: don’t think any of ‘em are that lax with their socials

Joe: you’d need directions

Ronnie: ive had years to find em & we dont both hang about with horse girls from kent

Joe: can’t say it’s your loss

Ronnie: shut up about it then

Joe: 🤐

Ronnie: 🖕

Joe: got a whole fist here, you can keep it

Ronnie: sizeist

Joe: told her yours is massive like you said, it’s fine

Ronnie: i said bigger than his not a horse shes in for a disappointment

Joe: gotta 🤞 she’s an optimist like you babe

Ronnie: unlike you shes gonna wait to see what i do with it before telling me to shove it

Joe: you just wanna blueball me for the pain

Joe: go on, for your lols

Ronnie: she wont want me at all unless youre gonna watch

Joe: and you need a witness so I get time too

Joe: I’ll do it, torturous as it’d be

Ronnie: the iou is gonna torture me too

Joe: if you’re lucky

Ronnie: not the dna half we share 💔

Joe: damnit

Joe: what’s good about being Scouse?

Ronnie: now the beatles are dead youve got fuck all to live for

Ronnie: noted

Joe: only the good ones

Joe: I dunno, anything good about it never happened, left when I was a kid and we still lived in a shithole with shitheads

Ronnie: get in line she left me in a shithole with shitheads 1st

Joe: where were you

Joe: wonder how close it was

Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter

Joe: it makes her more/less shitty depending

Ronnie: it aint gonna change my opinion and I dont give a shit about yours

Joe: fair enough

Ronnie: get cosy with charlie hed take you down memory lane

Joe: not before he’s got it out for the art class tah

Ronnie: you didnt say when

Joe: [probably an evening class like tomorrow or the next day, then the same time a week later]

Ronnie: too fucking late the pen is in pieces

Joe: sure it isn’t the first time you’ve left him a note in blood

Ronnie: hes only gonna cry about it & take the shine off his modelling debut

Joe: awh

Joe: message him 🧓🏼

Ronnie: fuck off calling me old

Joe: 😏

Ronnie: ill write him a note blaming what a twat you are for what hes gonna walk in on

Joe: what mess have you made

Ronnie: havent killed myself yet

Joe: and you’ve not stopped talking so no OD’ing

Joe: possibilities are endless still

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: come out

Joe: we can get new ink to dig out

Joe: whatever

Ronnie: you gonna suck his dick this time

Joe: I’ll just pay the old-fashioned way

Ronnie: flashy cunt

Joe: what being a student is all about

Ronnie: and youre too special to poison your blood how the rest of em do

Joe: I’m not opposed but I can do it alone, I don’t need to go to a sweaty student bar that plays shit songs and has a load of sad Soph clones giving it 🥺

Ronnie: you can get another tattoo without me holding your hand

Joe: I could

Ronnie: go do it 🦋 baby

Joe: have mentioned its not about the tat, yeah?

Ronnie: nah not that ive heard

Joe: come on

Joe: i want to see you, i’ve said loads

Ronnie: youve said loads of shit yeah

Joe: shit i mean

Ronnie: why

Joe: why wouldn’t I

Ronnie: thats your answer then fuck it

Joe: you don’t need to ask ‘cos you know

Ronnie: i did ask and you said why the fuck not

Ronnie: like its nothing

Ronnie: like you didnt turn up uninvited into my life not long ago

Joe: then tell me to leave

Joe: like it’s that easy

Ronnie: i didnt tell you to fucking appear

Ronnie: just cause youre a kid dont make me the dead fish you won at the fair

Joe: I never had the choice

Joe: she told me about you, talked about you all the fucking time

Joe: you’ve always been in my life

Ronnie: and youve never been in mine

Ronnie: im not gonna carve out a place for you now cos you want it

Joe: Alright

Joe: do it then

Ronnie: dont tell me what to fucking do

Joe: I’m not going unless you say it

Ronnie: no shit this is fun for you

Joe: like fuck it is

Ronnie: im the car wreck youre craning your neck to keep looking at

Ronnie: thats all the fuck this is

Joe: lie better

Ronnie: you dont care about me or what this feels like

Joe: I can’t take it back, you know now

Ronnie: you dont wanna take it back

Joe: I can’t, what’s the point pretending

Joe: I never said I was a good person

Joe: being sorry won’t change anything for you

Ronnie: its all your christmases & birthdays im west as this course youre gonna keep on spinning me out

Joe: Piss off

Ronnie: lie better cunt

Joe: So you’re allowed pity parties, yeah?

Joe: 👌

Ronnie: calling you out on your bullshit is allowed if youre crying thats your problem

Joe: if all you want from me is for me to go away, consider it done

Joe: you can’t hack it, my apologies

Ronnie: tell me why if im so fucking wrong

Joe: I like you

Joe: I want you, to get to know you

Joe: I can’t just stop it, not for myself

Joe: So make me

Ronnie: stop telling me what to fucking do

Ronnie: fucks sake

Joe: you ain’t saying anything

Joe: what do you want

Ronnie: I dont want you to like me

Ronnie: fuck is that

Joe: yeah, it’s obvious you go to great lengths to be unlikeable

Joe: not going to tell no one am I

Ronnie: so hate me soft lad

Joe: I’ll give it a go

Ronnie: ill make you

Joe: give it a go then

Ronnie: where are you then

Joe: [give a location of somewhere near your flat ‘cos don’t need to actually set you on the flatmate rn and that’s likely where you were]

Ronnie: [obviously we’re just gonna show up however long that takes us without another word like !?]

Joe: [just so much eye contact ‘cos what you gonna say what you gonna do]

Ronnie: [definitely gonna take him somewhere sketchy as hell to the level that like Charlie doesn’t know we still go there/we’d never take him ever like you wanna get to know me okay bitch buckle up]

Joe: [can’t let you hook up or shoot up yet ‘cos chronological but go along with this obvs]

Ronnie: [it would make sense if you made out/almost hooked up though because the vibe for the next convo was very much oh fuck what are you doing here we didn’t mean to run each other like this but also v flirty]

Joe: [agreed, and allowed, it’s the obvious vibe but any untold drama can happen to stop you in whatever dodgy place so makes sense]

Ronnie: [literally and just because you can’t shoot up together yet does not mean either of you have to be in any way sober so]

Joe: [hundo, we’re not saying he’s never done a drug lol, he clearly abuses his prescription as is so like, there’s plenty to be done without going there]

Ronnie: [and if we wanted to we could say that you watch her do it here and now before you do it together anyway because you’d both get a weird kick out of that]

Joe: [tea, bet you did not see this coming for your uni experience lmao]

Ronnie: [meanwhile she’s old enough to have left, do you wanna grow up babe? No? okay]

Joe: [the way you’re rolling with this, we know you’re fucked boy but pop off]

Ronnie: [I can’t overstate how much she’d be doing the absolute most to try and scare him away like I dare you to go back on what you said]

Joe: [we know you’re not gonna, soz babe, is very rude how he’s just waltzed in but truly did not say we were a good person lol]

Ronnie: [we know she’s not either and also is here for it more than she will ever express until we’re literally years into this]

Joe: [hi your mother’s daughter, but no, you actually have a reason this is messed up but we’re into it from the off and not pretending, risky af strategy boy]

Ronnie: [is there anything we wanna say happens that has lasting-ish consequences other than the make out/ almost hook up ie a tattoo or a fight with injury potential or an arrest lol]

Joe: [hmm, the possibilities, maybe a fight to show you can, could be about anything, it’s that sort of place]

Ronnie: [that is such a mood I love it and yeah could literally be you’re a new face or could be her fault because of the aforementioned doing the most]

Joe: [totally, and that’ll be an easy way to separate you and not meet until the next convo]

Ronnie: [exactly dr phil]

[screechingkingdomhottub]

my thoughts on the starkid controversies

{TCB included} yo so i got some opinions that i’m gonna spread...now. So does starkid have some inherently problematic things in their musicals that whether intentionally or not promotes a stereotype? Yeah. Let’s unpack these a little, okay? So let’s start at the beginning with Little White Lie. I think Little White Lie did great, there’s an episode where they defend trans people and the transphobic person is the villain and as a young closeted trans dude watching that...it was totally awesome. Now, AVPM, i dunno mans. I love it, I’ve seen the series many a times and used to watch it to cheer me up at night, I think it critiques JKR’s stereotypes very well and goes full out of “well if dumbledore is gay...let’s make him flaming gay” which is awesome. I saw Devin posted a youtube video talking about how she feels she stole the Cho Chang role away from an Asian actress who is known for playing Lavender Brown called Sango Tajima. I, personally, never got that vibe but I don’t think that’s up to me, I wasn’t there, I’m white, she ended up getting more roles and I encourage y’all to watch Devin’s video on it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fubo7wfGcuo  I’m gonna skip a few cause there’s a lot of musicals and I’m tired. I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable about Umbridge’s portrayal and the way the relationship with Dumbledore is done because it can correlate to the trans women are often seen and portrayed and watching it thinking about it like that...makes it a bit cringey. On a similar note, in Spies Are Forever, Susan is a crossdressing character that has transphobic undertones.  Now, I’m not saying starkid are transphobic or racist or should be cancelled or whatever. And I believe a lot of this stuff they have redeemed and tried to progress forward a lot better and that’s awesome. I am a firm believer everyone should just be judged based on their intentions. If someone has good intentions but does a shite job and people point out they’re not fulfilling those good intentions then they can change and grow and it’s great.  So I love Black Friday but I have a gripe. Can we talk about Gary Goldstein for a bit? Now, I find the character kinda funny, Jon is an amazing actor and his portrayal is awesome. But Gary Goldstein is a lawyer...a very greedy lawyer...with the last name Goldstein. So for those of you that are unaware, Goldstein is a Jewish last name...Jewish stereotypes commonly consist of being very greedy lawyers...you see the issue here? I’m not Jewish, being completely honest I’m still confused about what being Jewish actually means however for Black Friday to take such strong political stances and add to it a so easily avoidable tidbit, literally without the name no one would conflate it with being Jewish but damn. And Hatchetfield names matter so much from what I’ve seen, so there’s thought behind this which makes it worse?  So onto Robert Manion, pitchforks ready? The first controversy I saw about him was to do with something called genderbent pictures. For those that don’t know, it’s when people take someone usually a character from something and switch them to the opposite sex. A lot of the trans community have an issue with this because it kinda eradicates nonbinary people a lot. Really focuses on the binary part, y’know? says “oh now they’re the gender they’re not actually” implying only 2...it’s kinda shitty. For me, personally, it’s dysphoria inducing. It highlights features everyone associates with only each gender and I start recognising all the features on the female version that i have on me and it’s not a fun time. I’m a big boi, i can deal. But many trans people replied to him when talking about this and expressed the dysphoria they were feeling, why promoting those was harming the trans community etc. He apologised but he only apologised for calling it gender bent and not digital drag which...is not what people were saying? I appreciate him making an effort on twitter to promote trans voices, idk much about american politics, so can’t say much on what he’s doing there but at least it’s something. What would be the most awesome thing for him to do is explain what the actual things the trans community told him and promote that to discourage those pictures or to encourage them to also include non binary people in some way cause artistic expression and stuff. More recent Robert Manion controversy is the body positivity pictures. I’m 100% for body positivity, always, anyone body shaming anybody (unless they’re a racist, rapist or general bigot) is a bAD BEAN. However, now this part is gonna get a little nsfw, so if you’re a minor please don’t keep reading, i aint trying to get arrested.  i can’t figure out how to do the keep reading thing so consider this it. Minors leave.  So, onlyfans is a website where you pay for porn basically like a total boomer simp but i digress. Some pages are softcore which is like just outlines of things...like people in their underwear. Robert posted pictures of him in his underwear and tagged it porn and onlyfans. Which if a grown man wants to do sex work I won’t stop him. That’s not the case here, the case here is he posted a picture in his underwear, where his ahem bulge is visible and sexualised it with the tags. There are minors that follow this man, that may have been scrolling through instagram in school and saw oh shit a dong. “But Joey Richter took off his pants in mamd!!!” yeah and that had a ton of warnings, you knew what you were gonna watch was for mature starkids only. “WHat about Lupin!!” couldn’t see the bulge. When I was 17, I went to see a play and a girl in it started stripping right down to her underwear, was just like seeing her in a bikini. The tags sexualised it but so did the bulge outline. He censored it on his story which kinda feels like he knew it was inappropriate. Something else that makes me very uncomfortable about this all is the Body Positivity argument. Now I have gender dysphoria, I have scars, I have stretch marks, acne, I’m so SO for body positivity. I rant so often about how fatphobia shouldn’t happen because weight doesn’t equal health. I’m not saying this is what he’s doing but that argument is used by actual groomers. Like y’know the fucks that groom children? i.e. onision (allegedly) where he’d say it’s just for body positivity and get children to send him pics of them in their underwear? You see why this is a dangerous argument here? I don’t think Robert’s intention was to do that but if you indirectly tell a bunch of teenagers posting pictures in their underwear is a good thing...I can’t be the only one making this link and the fact y’all defend this as “just shirtless pictures” is lowkey driving me wild. He apologised for the tags cause it was making fun of sex workers but please please please think of the risk. Please?  Starkid mess up, they’re human, please stop acting like they do nothing wrong and please stop acting like they’re cancelled forever with no redemption okay bye PS please let me know any trigger warnings to add <3

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Misc: R's health and my minion skin

Tldr: R is better and me es okay but worsening

R finally figured out what was wrong with her heart. Crazy enough it was her kidney? I don't understand it really but I am just so relieved she can finally stop stressing about that.

She was suspecting heart disease and she thought she'd be out the game soon soon but I think now she'll be okay for a long long time as long as she stays consistent on taking her medicine. Tho that does kinda suck in its own way I'm sure. Just shy of being a whole ass adult and she already has two lifelong meds that she needs to keep her going. I can already see her sulking about it already smh. We talk too dang much there's no way i should be able to guesstimate future sore spots for her bruh..

For now, we're both really happy about it. Well. Okay she's still not talking with her partner so she's down from that tbr. I know it was a relief for her but ya know.. still just hurt rn. I, however, am just like. So relieved. She's been complaining about her heart for months and I can't count how many times she's thought she was gonna die from the sheer pain she was in. She'll be getting her meds for the junk soon soon and also getting better meds for her blood pressure shit as well.

It made me cry damn near instantly honestly. She used to call me in tears at times thinking she was gonna die and now she just.. exist. I hate that due to her partner shit and other nonsense going on she can't really see too much of the bright side. i mean I'm sure it's a huge weight off her shoulder's that even if they don't know specifics just yet they're actually taking her serious now. She's too damn young to be worrying about that shit you know ? Well.. she's too young for half her gosh dang health issues but you get what I mean T^T But uh yeh I dunno. She's still sad and stuff but we're both a least a little bit better off with the new findings

As for my health, I won't lie. It's gotten a bit worse. I'm still okay and I can still hide it pretty easily. My eyes have gotten a little more yellowish and I noticed yesterday that it feels like I'm like... I dunno. Burning? It's hard to describe. It feels like I have a fever but I can feel it everywhere. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's hard to ignore cause I mean like it aint exactly an everyday occurrence to feel burny throughout your entire damn body but I don't think I'd be too obviously uncomfortable in front of anyone else.

I am also really tired all the damn time. I first noticed it around the time I played terraria with the friend that bought it for me but I figured at the time it was off the benadryl but it continued ever since. It was definitely before all the jaundice shit started but I'm assuming that's around when whatever mess is going on with me started.

Plus.... to no ones shock. I am withdrawing.. Yayyyy....

T_T

That has honestly been the hardest part. I hate how addiction works. I'm just looking back at all the times I felt like complete shit after a dose, all the times I've felt disgusting for still taking em, and just alll the times I've had to hide my high from everyone. Just bad news left and right. i don't even really like how the high feels anymore. It's nice sure but the more I experience other forms of intoxication/highs the more I see I'd prefer damn near anything else 💀💀💀

But even all that being said, even with me more than likely fucking myself over with them stupid damn pills, I've been wanting more this entire time. I don't get why. i've only just barely been able to drink enough water to not risk a sore throat from me plain just breathing, I am literally half sleep as is, and I haven't been eating so it'd probably make my stomach burn. I guess I like hurting myself at this point. I never saw it as that but its the only explaination

Anyway. Withdrawing is leaving me a bit shaky and my already shitty appetite as of late has gotten worse. I think it's been about a day since I've eaten anything. Ima get some cereal or something. I'm sure the emotional effects of withdrawing is also doing its thing but I've already been crying and shit as is so I honestly couldn't tell you anything different

I want to hide my jaundice junk for a few more days so i can let as much of this benadryl out of me as I can before risking going to the doctor. That shit about dph sticking in your system for days and days is really not ideal.. I'm glad I learned that fact as if I had tried to go when I first noticed I would've almost instantly got some flack for clearly overdosing on the shit. I heard they'll pump you with charcoal and everything bruh nah. It has been I think. 3ish days since I took that 1.5 so I'm sure a good chunk of its gone but I mean. Normal dose is 30 times lower than that sooo maybe not.

I won't even lie, I'm scared. The burny feeling is so strange and I'm tired of being sleepy all the damn time. It was one thing when it was cause of the dph cause it honestly became second nature to fight the drowsiness of that but this is weird. I can sit here in bed all day and I'd still be super tired by the time I get up to do something. But, it's really not too bad. I should probably be able to hide it for a good nother 2-3 days and by then I'm sure they'd either notice how much extra I'm sleeping or my eyes'll give me away.

I don't mind hiding it really. i am scared but at the same point, hard as it is to read, I do not care about my health. Whatsoever. I can't even be bothered to try to. I've been looking back on all the times I'd sit around wishing I didn't have to be here and feeling stuck as to not hurt anyone. I had a major health scare that ended up getting brushed off and never mentioned and I was sitting there sobbing in my room, disappointed that it ended up being nothing serious. I was just so ready for it to be some big deal and shit and I'd finally be done. I could just have my last few months of fun then go. Sure it'd hurt but it ain't like.. as hurtful. Cause it was out of my control. It doesn't have that same message as me deciding to leave on my own would end up having.

And now I'm hiding cause it'd moreso be out of my control if I didn't. If I let this jaundice shit get too bad I'm going to urgent care no questions asked. I can't exactly talk them out of taking me when my symptoms is just like. OUT. Cant hide or not tell if I wanted to. My gross colored skin and my yellow ass eyes are gonna scream that i need to. If I take some more pills, Ima get found out and gonna have a lot more supervision from my parents. If not also getting thrown in some sort of program or something lmfao

A part of me wanna just keep doing what I was doing before I noticed my bananaification. I know it's stupid and self destructive and that's the only thing holding me back from it but god if I was at my own place I would more than likely keep going til I either A. die or B. in excruciating amounts of pain. I know I should care but. That is the truth. I don't think anything'd change that honestly. My sicklyness even gotten R to get back on the phone with me and it's kinda pathetic but I am really happy about it. Even knowing that she'd dip on me in a second if her partner came back. And knowing she only's responding and paying attention cause I'm sick rn. I mean. It's still admirable that she cares to keep up with me even tho she's sad rn but I mean. I dunno. It's a bittersweet happiness. It's sweet of her but it's weird knowing that I am alone in that feeling. Does that imply if I knew she wasn't thinking about her partner rn I'd have a change of heart?

I don't really know or care to think of all that rn tbh.. Heh uh the withdrawal moodiness is definitely making its place. I'm gonna stop now it'd make no sense to keep whining and I don't want to risk crying while she's on the phone.

[beabaseball]

AU where the gummi ship gets struck by a meteor only to meet some trolls and gods

christ.

I don’t even know where to start with this

like Jane and John aren’t even on that meteor and that’s who Sora would really get along with, but that meteor is filled with ((googles who is alive on that meteor)) THE STRILONDES and presumably Vriska

Like

Dave is going to make a lot of jokes about being able to see Donald’s privates.

Rose is going to extrapolate something about his sexuality based on that, while also psychoanalyzing Sora’s crush on Riku which he doesn’t recognize it in himself yet, he needs to let it happen on its own okay? His life has been kind of weird and he will figure it out in its own time!!

If they mention being gods they’ll presumably have the conversation of

Sora: have we ever met a god before?

Goofy: Gowrsh, I dunno!

Sora: I think Hercules’ dad is a god, but… [crosses arms to think] …Hmm… I dunno if that makes him a god or not…

Dave: bitch you didn’t read percy fucking jackson before the earth exploded?

Sora: the eARTH EXPLODED!?

(at which point, if we’re trying to have serious homestuck emotions, there’d be a very different and awkward conversation about “yeah you’re the only human we’ve seen in a year and a half actually, everyone we know and love is dead and we’re going to go fight to our deaths in another half a year” but I think there’s a reason Hussie skipped that for Caliborn being sexist instead and i’m not saying it was fear but I sure aint sayin it was risk-taking)

Presumably, Karkat and Donald start screaming at each other. Terezi starts licking Sora’s clothes (tastes like refried black beans and his face is sun tea) and that’s also like, kinda weird.

Someone is going to get into a magic battle. God fuck if Gamzee is controlled again at that time, otherwise it’s just gonna be really weird.

I don’t want to know what Vriska does and I don’t want to even speculate on this poor fucking post

thank god for kanaya

hopefully she gets the guys some food and shuffles them off the meteor safely once their ship’s all fixed

[littlebitoffanfic]

Hints

Fandom: teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Characters: Raph, Leo, Donnie, Mikey Relationship: Raph/reader Request: Hey i would like to request a tmnt fanfic (2014/2016) where the reader is talking to the turtles about relationship issues, and subtlety tries to hint at having had a previous crush on Raph, but then mentions having moved on from a lack of response, and Ralph is clueless but the brothers explain to him and fluff ensues. I totally get it if this is to long or something,I love your work! “No, I’d never date a guy who ive never met before.” You giggled as Mikey followed you around the lair. “Why not?” he asked and you saw Donnie and Raph turn to get an answer. “Because, I don’t know what they would be like. I would like to meet someone a couple of times before deciding if I was attracted to them.” You shrugged as you plopped yourself down on the couch with Leo to your right. Donnie was on the other couch with Raph and Leo was training with Splinter in the other room. “why are you suddenly so interested in my love life?” You asked Mikey, who had been asking you questions all day. “Dunno, just wanted to know. So, you got any crushes?” He walked up and sat down at your feet, nudging your knee with his elbow. “I don’t think thats really any of your business.” You teased, slapping the back of his head but that didn’t hid the growing blush on your cheeks. In truth, the one you had a crush on was only sitting at the other side of the room. And he was watching you. Closely. “Ohhh! So you do have a crush!” Mikey cooed and you knew you were never going to hear the end of this. “it doesn’t matter, Mikey. Nothings ever going to happen!” You shook your head as you spoke, wanting this all to stop right now. “Aw, why not?” Mikey frowned and turned to fully face you. He was very sweet and really only wanted you to be happy. Mikey had always taken to be a big brother to you. Mainly because he had always been considered the baby of the group so it was nice for him to take on that role as protector just like the others had. But he was a little more ‘playful’. “I don’t think they would have ever noticed how I felt. Nor would he return my feelings. So I need to try and, you know, move on. Its just proving to be a little harder than I thought.” You tried to smile but everyone saw the flash of pain in your eyes. It wasn’t because you were saying it out loud, even though they might think that. It was because you were saying it in front of him. And you knew it was more than a crush. You were completely and utterly in love with raph and had been for a while. But he never seemed to notice how much you cared for him or the things you would do just to try make him happy. Just then, Leo walked into the room, only adding to the sudden tension. “I gotta go back to mine. Ive got work in the morning.” You lied through your teeth, knowing you were off tomorrow but you just wanted to get away from all the prying eyes which you refused to meet. Apart from one. You glanced up at Raph, who was studying you with a confused expression. And that gave everything away. Donnie saw it. Mikey saw it. Leo saw it. Standing up, rather suddenly, you darted for the door, grabbed your bag and left, leaving a stunned silence behind you. “What happened?” Leo asked as you walked to stand behind where Raph and Donnie were sitting. “We were asking about [y/n]s crush.” Mikey turned to look at Leo, confused as to your sudden change of mood. You had been laughing only a moment ago and joking around. “Did she say about her little thing for Raph?” leo asked, as confused as Mikey and the others to your sudden change in demeaner. But Leo saw Mikeys eyes widen and Donnie and Raph twist in their seats. He instantly knew he had just said something he shouldn’t have. “Whats that meant to mean?” Raph half growled, almost taking it as in insults or a joke. All 3 of the brothers fell silent, obviously mulling over whether or not to say anything, until Mikey spoke up. “We might as well tell him. Its upsetting [y/n] either way.” Mikey said, surprisingly being extremely reasonable which made Leo proud. If there was one thing Leo praised you for over everything else, it was how you brought out the best in each and every one of them. “What are you talking about?” Raph looked from Mikey to Donnie. “We were surprised you never noticed.” Donnie shrugged, avoiding Raphs eyes. “If someone doesn’t tell me whats going on, im gonna-“ Raph didn’t get a chance to finish his insult as Leo snapped. “For god sake. Shes in love with you!” He walked over to sit next to where you had been seated a few minutes ago. He half expected his brother to become even more infuriated with the situation because he wouldn’t believe it. But much to Leos surprise, Raph froze, staring at Leo. After a few moments, Raph glanced to the door you had just left through and shook his head. “She aint ever going to love me.” Raph sighed, pushing himself up, suddenly understand why you left so quickly. While you adored his brothers, it was hard to sit in front of them and speak of love. “Yeah she does!” Mikey snapped, obviously offended by both Raph dismissing Leo and dismissing you. “How would you know!” Raph growled. “cause I do!” Mikey crossed his arms, not at all intimidated by his brother. “She really does. Anyone can see it.” Donnie mumbled, not wanting to get involved but he couldn’t help himself. “Shes always following you around, she goes out her way to see you and make you happy.” He shrugged as he spoke. “She does that for all of us!” Raph turned to Donnie, never thinking anything of it. “You know what, Raph. You’re right. We’re all wrong. But can you risk that?” Leo walked over to Raph, standing tall against his brother. “Whats that meant to mean?” Raph turned to Leo, repeating himself from earlier. “If shes talking about you, then shes trying to move on. Shes fed up waiting. What happens if she gets a boyfriend in a couple of days, weeks or months? You think you could live with yourself? Wondering who she was speaking about? We all know you care the exact same about her as she does you. You got to speak to her, before you lose her.” Leo finished. For the first time in a long time, Raph listened to Leo. Not just heard what he said, but actually listened to him. Without a word, Raph turned and walked out the lair in a hurry. None of the brothers had to questions where he was going. --------------------time skip -------------------------- You walked through the sewers, your feet were almost as heavy as your heart. Why had you said that in front of him? A part of you hoped he would understand you were speaking about him, but the other part said it was because you knew you needed to move on. You stopped, hearing footsteps approaching you from behind. Years of training with the turtles had taught you to be on your toes and suspect everything. But as Raph came into view, you physically relaxed. He was staring at the ground in front of him as he walked and looked like he was deep in thought. “Raph?” You called out, noticing he hadn’t seen you just yet and you didn’t want to startle him. Upon hearing your voice, Raph jumped slightly and looked up. “[y/n].” Raph smile slightly and sped up until he was closer. “You alright?” “Yeah, im just tired.” You smiled, almost tempted to yawn but decided that would be too cliché. “Right.” Was all he replied, looking down. You just assumed he had come after you to make sure you were okay. “Well, I’ll er see you later.” You prompted, hoping to get away from the situation. “Yeah.” Once again, you got a one word answer. Turning away from Raph, you started to walk away, noticing how he didn’t follow. “What if he felt the same way about you?” Raphs voice made you freeze before you turned and looked at him in utter confusion. “What?” You asked. “the one you were speaking about.” Raph answered, but that didn’t really answer the question you were asking. “Raph, I don’t understand what you’re saying.” You walked back to him, hoping that the closer you were, the more answers you would get. “What if he loved you more than he could ever dare tell you?” Raph looked up at you as you stood in front of him. your breath caught in your throat as you started up at Raph. Was he talking about you and him? “Then why not say anything before?” You asked, not daring to break his eye contact for fear of him taking it as rejection. “I don’t want to lose you.” Raph was hunched over slightly as you stood directly in front of him. “just say the word and im yours.” Was all you could say, hoping you were both talking about the same thing. But Raph couldn’t take any more. He ducked his head down and pressed his soft lips to yours in a sweet but unexpected kiss. You quickly responded and placed a hand on either one of his broad shoulders, softly massaging his shoulders as you made out with him. You felt like all of your senses were focused on him. You felt his arms around your waist and he pulled you closer. eventually, the need for air outweighed the pleasure of the kiss and you pulled back a little, panting slightly. “Will you go out with me?” Raph breathed, his voice sending a small chill down your spin. “Only if you will come back to mine?” you smiled, looking up at him through your eyelashes and you knew he was putty in your hands. Smiling, you went up on your tip toes to press a quick kiss to his lips before pulling away. You took a hand of his in your own and the two of you walked back to yours. That night, you got 2 texts from Leo and Mikey that night. Mikey asked if you were okay and Leo apologies if he had caused any trouble between you and Raph. but you didn’t even notice they had messaged you because you were too focused on making up for lost time with Raph.

[voidwizerd-archive]

BONDING EXPERIENCES?? ==>

[[ logs with @carnivalsorphans​, our muses keep bonding in very confusing ways, what the fuck are these two ]]

voidwizerd okay first off please dont bring this up w Kankri bc th last thing i can handle rn is anythin resemblin a moral talk im too pissed

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd do you ever like get a super specific urge to just beat a body senseless does this happen to you

carnivalsorphans often enough that the thought some people don't kinda baffles

voidwizerd i cant get at who i wanna get at theyre all universes away n maybe DEAD which sure would be fuckin convenient fr them huh i just

carnivalsorphans hahaha yeah fuckin relatable

voidwizerd wanna find some shitty person n whale on em until theyre only sorta recognizable

carnivalsorphans hmmm

voidwizerd teeth aint that necessary anyhow ugh

carnivalsorphans hahahaha do you actually want me ta find ya someone shitty ta fuck up or we just talkin hypotheticals and feelings?

voidwizerd i honestly dont even know i just wanted to confirm someone else experiences this too

voidwizerd i figured if anyone does itd be you

carnivalsorphans aight, just feelings yeah, you bet sib a lot. and it's hard. just kinda.... keepin that real tight inside it winds ya up a bit warps you and makes ya feel all weird til ya can do somethin ta make it stop i used ta bleed myself and then paint with it, but wicked said that's bad, so i'm tryinna figure somethin else out

carnivalsorphans i felt that way bout anyone i actually give a fuck about, where any time they talk on their old shit it just makes me tense up and start this fuckin rumble

carnivalsorphans usually stop it afore it gets loud though kankri says he don't feel that way at all, but i bet there's somethin that'd wind him up that bad somethin for everyone that just makes em wanna beat someone bloody

voidwizerd yeah it just its like wrappin your insides up tighter n tighter n tighter n it feels like itll rip n spill everythin out

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd so fuck, if its gonna tear eventually why not choose myself how that happens???

carnivalsorphans yeah and i'd think at least no one was gettin hurt but me and i like pain anyhow

carnivalsorphans and it spills out nice and slow and i get somethin pretty at the end of it but ... ya gotta pick ya poison, sometimes

voidwizerd i guess i did that last one kinda fr different reasons n a bit more extreme but ha ha ........i fuckin hate copin

carnivalsorphans yeah, it's hard i got a lot ta cope with

carnivalsorphans used ta think i was better than addiction, but i ... dunno. feel like an addict sometimes. wicked says i might be one, even. instead of the bottom of a bottle, i just got my claws

voidwizerd just bout anythin can be addicted to i used to run until my body gave out only way my mind would go quiet i miss th quiet

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd but Kankri would worry

carnivalsorphans fuck havin connections ta people hahaha

voidwizerd right its terrible but also i wouldnt know what happy is like either

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd th loneliness was killin me ha like literally lmaooooo

carnivalsorphans yeah i can feel that

voidwizerd well no okay technically i was doin that my own damn self

carnivalsorphans you wouldn't think, surrounded by church who loves me

carnivalsorphans but ya know. lonely at the top

voidwizerd fuckin pussy i was broke in less than two sweeps. whoop whoop yeah yeah i bet lonely is terrible, fuck that shit

carnivalsorphans used ta be worse but used ta be, i didn't care .... way way fuckin back when saw people bein all close to eachother and it seemed like a waste a fuckin time and energy and like they was a bit away from stabbin eachother in the back

carnivalsorphans .... fuckin ignorance was bliss

voidwizerd ha wouldnt it be so much easier just to not

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd not need that not fuckin CLING to affection like a goddamn lifeline bc its either that n bein treated like garbage or bein treated like nothin at all

carnivalsorphans yeah, fuck that

voidwizerd hurt or isolation take your pick trick question they both hurt and they both make you feel isolated

carnivalsorphans yeah hahahahaha

carnivalsorphans rather have real hurt though. makes shit hard ta focus on .... sometimes, at least

voidwizerd mmn

carnivalsorphans > Try not to think of Artemi. > Try /really hard/

voidwizerd do i like pain fr kinky reasons or do i like it bc i just want someone to beat me to shit

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd these are th questions

carnivalsorphans just assume it's a little a both

carnivalsorphans nothin's ever so black and white sometimes a lil more of one, sometimes a lil more of another

voidwizerd fuckin

carnivalsorphans and sometimes it fades away so much ya almost forget it's there

voidwizerd hate that shit

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd wish it could be simple shouldnt knowin yourself be simple but nah

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd other ppl know me better than me

carnivalsorphans depends on how fuckin much you want to know

voidwizerd aint that just th fuckin way

carnivalsorphans i've tried real hard not ta let anyone know me fuckin hate bein /known/ bein... able ta pin down predict

voidwizerd sure is a thing its scary

voidwizerd scarier than anythin

carnivalsorphans .... yeah and not just cuz i'm scared for my church not just cuz i'm scared a how people will take it just... 's

voidwizerd if i didnt trust Kankri so much id prolly just. go outta my fuckin mind of terror. ha

carnivalsorphans yeah every time me and wicked have a real talk, i get a bit.... tense. all tensed up for him ta fuckin recoil or use shit against me or probably ain't the best way ta feel with ya rail, but

voidwizerd no i i get that fuck dude i literally couldnt tell you how often Jane n Dirk did that to me but my stupid ass kept confidin in em anyway

carnivalsorphans hahaha i never risked it sometimes i'd tell shit to people i was

voidwizerd only reason i didnt confide w Jake at all was cause he never paid attention to anythin that wasnt bout him

carnivalsorphans hurtin. i ain't ever had enough trust in fuckers to do that sorta shit too often

voidwizerd shit dude if ur only confidantes are th ppl ur torturin you just might need to get out more

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha yeah

carnivalsorphans i kinda went a bit nuts after i fell got better though

voidwizerd good on you shoulder pat for success

carnivalsorphans there's a lotta things i miss bout that time. probably more than i should. one more addiction ta add onto the pile

voidwizerd ha careful dude dont wanna be breakin records here

carnivalsorphans hahahaha i've lived a long time, i set all the records

voidwizerd my point is to get better rather than worse knucklehead though ha tbh this is one of those lights i doubt thats really a possible thing

carnivalsorphans hahaha how bout we just try for not gettin worse tolight? wanna come over? for the sake a not bein alone

voidwizerd i .....yeah thanks

carnivalsorphans fuck knows i ain't gonna be good for bein alone tonight neither. .... but i don't really wanna worry wicked over me bein all whatever i am right now

voidwizerd "whatever" is a good word fr feelins tonight "whatever" with a side of "sad n violent"

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd apparently not a regular or good thing to feel .. is it bad fr me to be so relieved you get this way too

carnivalsorphans naw 's normal ta feel relieved that ya ain't alone in ya experiences

carnivalsorphans fuck, that's sorta why i hang around sugary and vel and wicked

voidwizerd oh huh i guess i like. well i didnt even know i was angry until well

carnivalsorphans until you was burnin

voidwizerd yeah

carnivalsorphans i think vel sorta gets like that

voidwizerd i guess i been mad a long time but

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd long as i ignored it things never happened

carnivalsorphans people tend ta forget angry is somethin they is allowed ta be

voidwizerd until that naggin suspicion got confirmed, that i was treated no better than shit on someones heel, n i just welp there goes th neighborhood

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd anger is its big

carnivalsorphans anger is born out of sorrow a lot sorrow at fuckin... lack at bein wronged

voidwizerd .....yeah

carnivalsorphans at missed opportunities and bein taken advantage of

voidwizerd at at knowin i did nothin to get hurt n did *everythin* to win approval thats just

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd seventeen goddamn years of waste right there

carnivalsorphans yeah sweeps of lack of what ya deserved

voidwizerd i didnt deserve that

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd *they* deserved my goddamn fists i wish id fought back

carnivalsorphans it's aight to be angry bout that shit. people always say it's aight to mourn, but sometimes mournin involves gettin fuckin pissed

voidwizerd i wish id listened to my instincts

carnivalsorphans you did what ya knew ta do and that's... somethin

carnivalsorphans may not always feel good

voidwizerd i loved em too much was th problem id let anythin slide cause they was my whole world

carnivalsorphans ain't nothin wrong with lovin maybe a bit wrong with bein blinded by it, but there ain't nothin to be done about that except learn from it

voidwizerd yeah took

carnivalsorphans and fuckin... bein tempered hurts, but it does make ya stronger

voidwizerd fuckin 21 years but i learned

carnivalsorphans .... cmere?

voidwizerd yeah

voidwizerd yeah ill be there

carnivalsorphans > Probably help to send coords. > And then time to snug a friend

voidwizerd > Friend will cry and rant a lot but appreciate much. > Mostly cry.

carnivalsorphans > Pet the friend. Kiss their head and wipe away tears sometimes and comfort and offer inappropriate jokes when tears seem to be letting up.

voidwizerd > Jokes get a smile and then even more crying because what the fuck is an appropriate response to people caring about them.

carnivalsorphans > More kisses because how do you deal with people crying Normally anyway?

voidwizerd > Kisses back a little because that seems to help and not kissing back was starting to feel Weird.

carnivalsorphans > Prr? Wipe away tears, focus more on wiz than your own shit.

voidwizerd > Pr... Still feeling terrible, and thinking about bad gunk, but at least not alone. And good to be with someone who kinda gets it. "We're sorta fucked up huh."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah. But we make it work."

voidwizerd "Fuck dude we sure do. By the skin of our fuckin teeth but we're doin it."

carnivalsorphans "I think we're doin better than some people."

voidwizerd "That's optimistic." > Weak laugh.

carnivalsorphans "Naw, we ain't still stuck in our old shit. I think that's better off. Some people never get that far."

voidwizerd "...That's true." > Snuggle up more after decaptchaing more blankets. Feeling more vulnerable to Ringleader's chilliness.

carnivalsorphans > Oh, good. A layer between you and the warmth. ... Give the bundled wiz a squish. "There's somethin to be said for bein proud of how far we've come, at least. Even if we ain't where we wanna be yet." > .... Where does he want to be though?

voidwizerd "Where we even tryin to get to, though?" > Squish is good. Quiet purr.

carnivalsorphans > A snort. "Ya know, I was thinkin the exact same thing." > Loud purring.

voidwizerd "Don't that just figure. Tolight we're real fulla questions that don't got proper answers, huh."

carnivalsorphans "I dunno that we gotta know where we're goin ta be glad we're not where we were."

voidwizerd > Now you snort. "That's some deep shit."

carnivalsorphans "That's me. Deep as fuck. ya know my real secret now.

voidwizerd "I'm honored!" > Quiet laugh. Moody staring at nothing for a while. "Think I'm done cryin now. Got that hollow sense settlin in nice an blegh.”

carnivalsorphans “Yeah, fuck that. I only appreciate that shit when i’m needin to think after bein pissed. And even then, it ain’t the same as true calm.”

voidwizerd "Mmh. Better than feelin I'm about to like... break into a million billion pieces. Like takin a sledgehammer to a window. Ha." > Blink slow. Slower. You're not moving so much.

carnivalsorphans > Squish. You ain't their rail, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're all... In tact. .... But still, you're a bit concerned. A tiny bit. "Anythin I can be doin ta help?"

voidwizerd "'unno. Feelin's gone for now." > Whoops, that there is a yawn. You rub your face, trying to stay awake. "What about you?"

carnivalsorphans "Feel.... Warm." Soft purring. "Probably about time ta pass out."

voidwizerd "Mmh." Sprawl out a bit. "Thanks for bein my comrade in shittiness."

carnivalsorphans "Misery demands company and all that. Plus i like hangin around you."

voidwizerd "Gay."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah." Forehead kiss.

voidwizerd > Mumble a barely comprehensible "suuuuper gay" before nodding off. > RL's a good friend.

carnivalsorphans > Pet Wiz a little longer before going to sleep yourself.

[templeofterrible]

Dear feller white folk

I just... look, man. Look, fella whites. I said before that there is no group of people that are inherently violent. In other words, there is no special gene that creates a violent folk. HOWEVER, that should kinda piss you off right? It pisses me off, because we allowed a terrible system and collection of bad folks (as all groups are capable of producing) to basically create a white culture that is literally defined by the appropriation and oppression of other groups and BECAUSE we were the beneficiaries of this newfound tribal leadership we did nothing.

No, not you personally, did nothing. Well, that still might be true. But that is okay! I know many of you have not actively participated in true aggression towards other groups and may find yourself a little miffed that you are lumped in with those that do. I’ll be honest! In my younger years, definitely old enough to know the difference even if I was ignorant, I used racial/sexual/sexist slurs, and basically did every problematic thing a white cis male could possibly do.

But we don’t really have the excuse to be ignorant do we? It is one thing when your direct community (your neighborhood, town, your traveling area) actively supports a status quo that doesn’t negatively affect you. Lets just say you are gonna have a harder time understanding a group of people that, as far as you know, has never even come close to have affected your life. But uh, these days, our community is... everyone with internet access.

And HOLY SHIT that is a lot of groups I never talked to before. Just like, so many. So so so many. So much new information and boy howdy was it interesting. You may not find it interesting, and that is fine. Do you, dude.

So, knowing what you can possibly know (and by that I don’t mean reading op-eds, or when you do, reading them with a careful eye... of ANY side of the political social spectrum) through exposure (I STRESS ACTUAL EXPOSURE) to different groups, it should absolutely piss you off when you realize the world you are in is being mean to your new friends (being mean is a crude understatement, you feel me? Premise is the same) because holy shit, you can make some coool new friends pal. Who don’t like those?

Anonymity is disappearing somewhat, but I can say with 100% certainty that it is the reason I’m even saying any of this shit. With a closed mind, I’d befriend dickwackerover9000-6969 over some garbage forum or whatever and talk with them for MONTHS and just have the basic information of - 19/f/ny.

After a bond is made, suddenly and through no prying, I learn they are a gay black woman in a wheelchair. This is a real example btw. Our friendship died when forums stopped being a thing (UGO.COM I MISS YOU)

See, maybe I wouldn’t have been friends with them, or my prejudices would have carried over negatively throughout the jokes we shared, or whatever... but suddenly I’m in a relationship with a clearly marginalized individual (by relationship, I have a connection, to be clear) and trust me, when I understood that it is SUPER dumb I really only give a shit about any of this because it suddenly affect MEEEEE I wanted to smack my head against the wall.

But really, it takes that person, ya know? I think that is kind of pretty in a way. Romantic, I guess, in a non-sexual sense. It makes me think of those jumbles of political connections we saw during the election talking about the “Left/Right online political bubble” because I remember seeing those REAAALLLY long lines stretching out to the other side and it was kinda sweet. 

Sweet in the sense that your whole bubble can burst with the single pin from the right person.

All this goes triple if you are an American. Oh my god you should be so pissed. Land of the Free? You bought that shit too, I know you fucking did. I was like, hell yeah model of the free world, booyakasha. We are democracy, moral leaders and will lead the world through the darkest of oppression. No kings! No tyrants!

God I am so pissed. You should be quadruply pissed if you are a veteran or a soldier. Like, I know you signed up for the ideal (er. sorta maybe. prolly not, but hear me out) and like, this bitch ass POS country can’t practice it? The fuck you risking your life for? You aint no god damn politician like you wanna be out there being a champion of MOTHERFUCKING JUSTICE and all they gotta do is PRACTICE that justice back home but nope.

Thing is, I could never be that person who pops the bubble for you. You literally have to do it yourself by reaching outwards. By, I dunno, trying. And I sure as shit didn’t try. I got LUCKY. I’m basically you but stronger. Hah, no, I am you, and in a weird way I feel responsible for you, feller white person. And it drives me up a wall that I can’t force your hand out of your bubble. 

Because when I find I way, I’ll be knuckle deep in forcing as many of you as possible. So don’t call me a fucking apologist because as nice as it is to think that all the people who are too stubborn to change would just disappear, I’m a damn pacifist, but if I knew that breaking pinky fingers would guarantee an expanded outlook I would carry around a fucking lobster cracker. They’d call me the pinky bandit. I’d wear all of your pinky nails as a necklace and cackle wildly before descending into muttering madness. Barring that, I’m just gonna yell directly at you until I no longer have any friends...

Because, again, I unfortunately feel accountable for all of you. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: where you @? Indie: lost u in the heads & smoke like Rio: I know, fucking madness ain't it Rio: never gets old Rio: What's up tho? Indie: get off mckenna for a few i need to chat Indie: 😏😏😂😂 Indie: dunno how to spit this Indie: imma just Indie: drews back in the pen lookin @ a fresh stretch Rio: Hush child 😜 Rio: Oh shit Rio: Really? Rio: Any day to get caught, like Rio: he must've been weighed tf down, man Rio: How you feeling on it, babe? Indie: innit tho Indie: vexed i didnt get my share for the feds hit him up Indie: but fr idk man Indie: he trying to play like he sorry & he wants to see my face if his gotta keep in there Rio: Hmm Rio: It's like, does he mean it or is it 'cos it's long in there, like Rio: Not trying to be a cunt genuinely questioning like we gonna get any sort of answer Indie: i told my auntie he sorry for heself only Indie: i feel that Indie: i not trying to 🤡 for him so the pen aint dry Indie: & he aint trying to see my sis face Indie: either of Rio: Yeah, ain't nobody trying to take a baby to prison, can you fucking imagine Rio: least of all Ro sat there like Rio: Jesus Rio: Well, you know I've got your back Rio: if he means it he'll bell you himself once he's in and knows wtf he's doing Rio: but I'm with you with as much as we know now, fuck that, some time away will do us all some good Indie: if former step ma stepped her foot in there shed be shook beyond belief Indie: no jokes Indie: it got me feelin some type of way bad tho like i willed it Indie: cos i wanted him gone from me & the younger Indie: but how long he gets depends she might not kno him lowkey ever Indie: ro aint want him around now she aint gon forgive & forget welcomin him back to the table once he jailbroke Rio: Init Rio: Might be the culture shock she needs but even I ain't gonna say she deserves, like Rio: Nah, dash that, serious Rio: it's always been a risk of how he's living, whether right or wrong, wanted or not, it's just facts Rio: they caught him slipping, nothing to do with how much he been slipping with you and that whole situation Rio: It ain't gonna be like that, system's a joke, yeah? Rio: Idk about that though but if he proper wants to see Astrid then there's ways to make that happen, just he's never put that level of effort in, ever Indie: im heavy w this Indie: aint trying to need this tonite of all nights Indie: gus & di already 👀 edie early Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 coming off Indie: mayb i gotta just bounce from here Rio: I know, babe Rio: you don't have to Rio: no one wants you to go Indie: i aint about wanting that but 💔💔💔💔 u kno Rio: if you gotta Rio: I get it Rio: but you don't need to stay gone, yeah Rio: like Edie doesn't Indie: idk where my boys are i cant be runnin these streets rn Indie: the feds are proper extra Indie: decision makes itself Rio: Yeah they gotta be out in full force Rio: it ain't safe for you to bounce alone, everyone's lairy Rio: We can go home if you want, night close to over neway? Indie: naaaaah you and mckenna got few slow dances to still do Indie: he feelin lucky still & 😍😍😍😍 Indie: he gonna have to bounce heself in like a day Indie: gotta let him have this Rio: Fuck that Rio: you're my priority Rio: what you wanna do, forreal? Indie: idk Indie: but if we bounce drews killed the vibe & i aint want that for myself either Indie: ill track lo cos bros a walking party innit Indie: bound to make a change Indie: find me when you done riding your mans Rio: Yeah Rio: Alright then, sounds good to me Rio: In a few, bitch Indie: i love you Indie: serious Rio: I love you more Rio: Always have, always will Rio: This ain't gonna fuck with no thing, we on the up and up, still Indie: yeah u kno i aint tryna let this make me slip too Indie: thats his Rio: It alright if you do, I'm here to catch you Rio: we all are Indie: i got something in my eye now bitch Indie: 😭😭😭 Rio: No one will know, all the smoke that's about just reckon you wayyyy faded Indie: truuuuu Indie: but in this facepaint w this much 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀 pride not a mood 👌👌 Rio: Soz about it 😏 Indie: speaking of Indie: ask mckenna if he gon lips me or what bitch i been waitin since he shown up Rio: 😲😣 Rio: the nerve to ask me that Indie: he looking daddy af & you kno it Indie: i got dem issues proven so Indie: come thru boyyy Rio: 😂 Rio: we gon' have issues if he come away with green lips thank you Rio: post up Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: what can i say it b that posh knitwear 😍😍😍😍 Indie: who else b dressin like that cept his actual father Indie: im creased Rio: you want his ma after you too Rio: deathwish like you tryna go out on dem streets with a union jack on you Indie: nah she my girl now Indie: loves me real deep Rio: is it? Indie: now she aint catch me face deep in her fridge like Indie: the actual Indie: not some dirty type words there Indie: she b cold but i aint tryna say no thing about in the sheets Rio: 😂😂😂 Rio: you ain't the only one creased now Rio: fucking hell Indie: plot twist fam i be coming for other mckennas 🌈👑 & out here w her own ma Indie: soz bout it Rio: that'd be mad shaming Rio: no living that hypocrisy down, bea Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: nah but girls aint do no thing for me like that Indie: they too soft Rio: Shame, such a soft butch dream, babe 😉 Indie: is it? Indie: that b how im friendzoned by my dream boy rn then Rio: 💔 Rio: gutting Indie: for him Indie: cos im 🔥🔥🔥 and he aint kno Rio: 🙌🙌🙌 Rio: that's my girl Indie: mayb he 🌈🌈🌈 omf u think? Rio: Could be Rio: idk how he living that hard myself but you know Indie: i gotta ask other mckenna how i can 👀 Indie: is junie still here too? Rio: I hope she's fun drunk so you don't get a rant Rio: nah, he left a while ago, I 👀 him sneaking out but it's a day for Irish goodbyes so let him live, like Indie: o Indie: ill run him a text rn Rio: i ever teach u how to be tactful or nah Rio: might need a mama moment 😏 Indie: wys Indie: i aint kno what that mean even Rio: it just means chillin' even when you hyped, 'cos the other person might not be, like Rio: he ain't livin' that pride life Rio: not 'bout being 🍀 like Indie: ooooooooooooo Indie: 👌👌👌👌 Indie: y tho? Rio: I don't know Rio: it's a process Rio: being comfortable with who you is Indie: how you gon b uncomfy w it Indie: lifes long Rio: plenty out there give u reasons why depending on who you is Rio: but it's just in you Rio: it's hard to explain when that ain't how you is but he is, always has been Indie: dash that Indie: poor baby boy Rio: I know Indie: ill just text him love Rio: you cute Indie: 💖💖💖💖 Indie: feelin it Rio: lookin' it Rio: 💘 Indie: shhh allow it Indie: nah man Rio: what you chattin' Rio: you beautiful Indie: not this nite bitch Rio: every night bitch Indie: hype girl vibes is it Indie: kkk Rio: shh i'm only a tiny bit drunk and feeling the luv Rio: also accidental racism come thru there Indie: o snap Indie: my bad Indie: not tryna dash you off that hard Rio: 😂 Rio: though if you ever need to Rio: like, cold but damn Indie: dont even play Indie: omf Rio: though so many whiteys in one place rn we could start a rally Indie: innit Indie: waste Rio: you're happy, aren't you indie Indie: bout what? Indie: what you mean? Rio: in general Rio: i mean Rio: you're okay, yeah Indie: idk baby im me in general Indie: just livin Rio: Hmm Indie: is you? Rio: Yeah Rio: I just want all of you to be too Indie: how you kno tho? Indie: whats the feelin? Rio: Happy? Indie: yeah how is it? Rio: it's like Rio: when you was a kid Rio: but you old enough to appreciate how good it is now Indie: so mckenna makes you feel like you lil Rio: no Rio: it's not like that, or that it's just him Rio: idk Indie: its like a good high or? Rio: not really Rio: it's like, no matter what shit is was or will be Rio: you still good Rio: nothing touches it Indie: yeah? Indie: thats a madness Indie: no wonder you two b amp af Rio: it's security Rio: i think Indie: thats wild Indie: how i b getting myself some of that shit like Rio: i'm no expert Rio: but i think u gotta know yourself, be comfy with it, know what you want and then be tryna get it Rio: and have good people 'round you who are solid too Rio: that's what i reckon anyway but who knows everything could go to shit and then this'll be awks Indie: nah you good Indie: like i said afore mckenna b cuffed now Indie: what i hear you sayin is i need a mans cos i kno myself & where i wanna get Indie: & i got heads all around Rio: hmm Rio: i don't remember saying that 😂 Indie: well i b sayin safe all the time but i aint b feelin no safety Indie: thats whats missin only from what you listin Indie: 🤔🤔🤔🤔 Rio: maybe it ain't as simple as i think then Rio: maybe if there's one wobbly brick, it all comes tumblin' down Rio: weakest link shit Indie: i feel that Rio: yeah Rio: i ain't know how to fix that Rio: i'm still happy Rio: most the time Indie: 💖💖💖👑👑💖💖 Indie: thats sick Indie: im hyped for you Rio: maybe i'm selfish then hmm Indie: naaah Indie: aint no thing wrong w feelin any type way Rio: but if you ain't and edie ain't and so many other people ain't Rio: then i shouldn't, like u can't 'cos of all this stuff Indie: me & edie too 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀 to know how we is Rio: that ain't good either Rio: i should do more i'm being too easy on myself now Indie: dash that Indie: you doin the most for me Indie: all in Indie: & she aint tryna let anyone do anything you kno Rio: i should just do it Rio: not give her the option Rio: we all should Rio: she's just a kid Rio: a kid who don't know what's good for her rn Indie: now i kno you drunk babe Indie: how you gon achieve it? Indie: cant help heads that aint want it Rio: lock her in her room 'til she ready to be good Rio: i know you can't but Rio: we failed her Rio: period Indie: if you lookin for that room to be trashed go off Indie: it aint none of you that failed her Indie: you kno who it was Rio: he never even tried Rio: not once Indie: & thats how it aint matter what you do Indie: it aint bout you Indie: none of Rio: it's fucked up Rio: 'cos you from him you don't get to be happy? what the fuck is that Indie: life bitch Indie: we aint get to choose where we from Rio: nah Rio: nah, that's bullshit i ain't having it Indie: it aint yours to have or to carry thats what im sayin Rio: no, fuck that Rio: don't you get that's exactly what he'd say and how he's living Rio: oh my mum didn't love me and so this is how i am, end of Rio: no growth no change no nothing Rio: he didn't have to do it like that just 'cos Rio: he made choices and you can too, both of you Indie: he didnt have to do no thing but i cant make him behave like you cant her Indie: they gon do what they gon do Indie: shes making her choices rn based on how she viewin none of us can get in her 👀 and get shit untwisted if she aint want Rio: she isn't like him Rio: don't say it like she is Indie: how she not? Indie: she got everything & all she see is what she think she aint got Rio: she just ain't alright Rio: we ain't doing this rn Indie: she is tho Indie: where she now? gone like how he do running from what she has like he do Indie: it aint exactly how they want it so they aint want it Rio: i mean it Rio: stop Indie: you gonna law me now Indie: is that how we doin Rio: you don't know what you're talking about Rio: i don't wanna listen Indie: you wish i aint kno Indie: thats why you dont wanna hear Rio: you're saying all this like you reckon you're better Rio: you don't know Rio: he chose you Rio: you don't know what it's like to be her Indie: what i kno is i used to chat at myself every nite wishing your rents would keep me and she dashes them over so hard it breaks them Indie: what i kno is they chose her & got mad love and what his is better cos he was inside your ma for a few? nah Indie: what i kno is that he was backed into a corner over me cos my ma fucked died Indie: yours gotta b punished cos she was strong enough to do her job fuck that Indie: im better cos im here & im real bout and on all this Rio: you don't think she don't know that Rio: you don't think it's half the root of her fucking problem Rio: lucky edie and poor indie Rio: so just stop because this ain't nothing i don't know, her too Rio: it's already on her without you ever saying it Indie: you say that like she wearing it Indie: she aint Rio: you blame her Rio: she wants to be drew's kid as little as you do, you'd be an idiot to believe her when she says opposite Rio: there's no points for being real here, she's not stupid, she knows what's up and it's fucked, you've got your ways of coping, she's got hers Rio: neither fucking work, clearly Indie: she blames me for more than ill ever blame her for Indie: & she aint tryna be anybody or anybodys Rio: nah Rio: she feels sorry for you though and that don't sit right does it Rio: because you should be sharing on it together yeah? but that ain't ever gonna happen because he didn't once claim her so you don't get to be sisters Rio: she don't know how to be Indie: bitch so do you it just came right out your mouth then & there 👌👌 Indie: & nah that aint sit right w me cos i aint ask to be none of you or your fam charity Indie: but i dont need her to be my sister no more than i need him to step up for me in any type of way Indie: i made my peace Rio: bullshit Rio: just like you say you safe but you ain't you say that but it's a crock of shit Rio: at least she isn't pretending to be fine Indie: u aint heard me say im fine Indie: but am i ghosting nah Rio: you always say it Rio: bet you told Meena you were too Indie: if you thinkin you hearing that from me you aint listenin Indie: i aint being real w her how i am w you cos she aint need that Rio: Jesus fucking Christ Rio: and Edie don't wanna be anybody's Rio: she's your family, we're your family too Rio: she might not be here but you may as well not be the way you try and shrink yourself to not be part of the 'Drew' problem, no bother to no one Indie: if thats how you want it ill bounce too then Rio: did i say that Indie: you are w how youre coming for me rn Rio: you started it Indie: nah Indie: i aint come for you once this whole time Rio: you came for her Indie: she aint you Rio: she's my sister Rio: and she's not here to defend herself Indie: bitch me too Indie: & she wouldnt defend herself if she was Rio: i know Rio: and that doesn't matter Rio: i still have to Indie: you cant have it all ways either im fam and shes my sister too or im separate and i cant speak on it Indie: how you want it Rio: nah Rio: we don't speak on it don't act like you ain't noticed Rio: you don't call each other out that's not what we do Indie: then i aint trying to be w none of you Indie: cos thats bait Rio: Fine Indie: you call me out any time it suits you to do it Rio: bitch when Indie: when i got inked you had plenty to say about it Indie: & when i got dashed before then Rio: telling you your shit boyfriend is shit and you're making an idiot out of yourself is entirely different to coming for her life and her entire being Rio: if you can fix it you can say it Indie: theres plenty of shit that could have been said to her afore it got to this Indie: but nah just come for my life tonite stead like Rio: i done said we failed her Rio: you think i don't know Indie: i aint tryna tell you how you think Indie: or what you kno Rio: nah come on Rio: you had all the answers 5 seconds ago Indie: fuck that Indie: & you if thats how you wanna be Rio: whatever Indie: pretend like you aint got no more to say like how i pretend im fine 👌👌 Indie: its chill Rio: you ain't listening Rio: i'm not wasting breath Indie: bitch im here where you think i is Indie: if i aint listening i be out Rio: you ain't ready to learn then Indie: what you tryna school me in? Indie: all you tellin me is idk what i'm chattin Rio: because you don't Indie: what am i learnin from you that my heads empty? Indie: tell me what you want me to kno Rio: i already said everything i wanted to say 'cos i ain't faking it Rio: so forget it Indie: you callin me out again now Indie: or you just want me to kno how real you is Indie: like i gotta be scared of the flex now Rio: yeah, i'm calling you out Indie: idk how you think you can when i been real w you on all this Indie: but go off girl if you feelin it Rio: That isn't the point, this isn't about me and you Indie: it is when you dragging me for ways i aint livin Rio: bullshit Rio: i'm not going over and over this Indie: ?? Indie: i dont get what you want Rio: just forget it at this point Rio: this isn't productive and it isn't going to be Indie: why tho Rio: Because what, you're going to start asking for help and then what when we just let you down too Rio: There is no solution to all this so if acting fine helps then go for it Rio: There's no point you stopping Indie: i aint gonna ask for no help cos they aint none Indie: its how i told you its mine to carry Indie: i fix what i fix how i do Rio: what exactly are you fixing Indie: are you asking whats wrong or calling out my copin ways? Rio: i know what's wrong Indie: then how you gon say i pretend like im fine Rio: just because you're bad at it doesn't mean you don't Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: yeah Indie: you got jokes still Indie: love that Rio: i told you to stop and i said we weren't doing this but now this is over Indie: make it happen if you want it to Rio: fine Indie: such a ma thing to say Rio: shut up Rio: jesus Indie: go Indie: its what you tryna do Rio: oh is it Rio: what we do best yeah Rio: so you get to be all holier than thou i don't think so Indie: you aint tryna speak to me Indie: so be brave & do what you wanna for real Rio: more chatting with no clue Rio: for fuck sake Indie: you so clued in yeah 👌👌 Indie: my bad for forgetting it like Rio: don't speak to me like that Indie: you only law me i dont law you Rio: yeah that's how it is Indie: i kno Indie: like how i kno that even when you b aware my heart hurts you care about hers more Rio: yeah yeah yeah Rio: why, 'cos we got the same ma? Rio: that don't matter to me Rio: it matters to you two Rio: but act like it's just her, go on Indie: no cos you wont let me fucking speak Indie: & mayb tonite i need to Indie: but you only care about defending her not hearing me Rio: go ahead Rio: you reckon slagging her off is gonna make you feel any better Rio: it won't Indie: you been told me there aint no solutions anyway so whats it matter how i choose Rio: because it hurts me and makes you look dumb Rio: that's why it matters Rio: this isn't about her, it never needed to be Rio: it's about him, as fucking per Indie: its about me Indie: jfc Rio: and what haven't you said then Rio: and how doesn't that prove my point Rio: i asked you what you wanted to do Rio: i said we could go Rio: but you went with the usual like that's what the situation calls for, let me carry on partying and you go get high and act like you ain't thinking on him Rio: as if I'm that fucking stupid and that fucking selfish, I'm here waiting on you Indie: i said idk & i dont Indie: stop Rio: Let's just go Indie: you go if you want but i cant Rio: Nah Rio: nah you don't get to do this Indie: ?? Indie: what i done now Rio: You have to come because you have to talk about this Indie: you aint tryna talk to me no more you been made that obvious Indie: so who you want me to chat to? mckenna? Rio: Fucking hell Rio: I want to talk to you properly Rio: not like this because you won't leave and deal with it like it's actually a big deal Rio: come on Indie: the only big deal is how you be thinking on me Indie: & i aint tryna talk to you bout that anymore than Rio: what are you talking about Indie: all you been doing this whole time is chatting at me bout everything i do wrong for fixing this shit Indie: but telling me you got no means Rio: no i haven't Indie: check back w yourself cos thats how it is, i pretend im fine, i get high, i chat shit thats all wrong Indie: but you aint got no right way for me Rio: how about stop Rio: your taking shit outta context and adding 'em together when that ain't how it was said Indie: its how it feels Rio: well that isn't what i meant Indie: you wanna compare me to her but im doin my best to keep my shit together same as Rio: i only made any comparisons to point out the hypocrisy Rio: there's no need to come for her, trust me, it won't bring you any joy Indie: theres no need but sometimes i wanna Rio: We all do Indie: dont you 👀 now why i cant leave Indie: i aint tryna have my nite end like this Rio: what good do you think's gonna come Indie: i aint need good just not this Indie: get high enough to wipe it out like it was never Rio: doesn't work Rio: i don't know why you want me to be fake with you like it does when i been there and know better Indie: it works for me Indie: it worked for my ma too Rio: if it worked for your ma she would've got off the shit 'cos she'd be off and over your da too Rio: no it fucking doesn't Indie: you say that like he was her only Indie: problems b stacked Rio: loving him was her main Rio: everything else was survivable, don't get that twisted Indie: he was survivable too Rio: you reckon Indie: im surviving him Indie: edie is Indie: astrid will Rio: surviving ain't thriving Indie: maybe i aint get to thrive Indie: maybe i got that twisted Rio: you got some choices to make Indie: not yet Rio: why not? Indie: cos i aint grown Indie: you always b telling me i kno you aint forgot Rio: you haven't got that luxury, that's what you got twisted Rio: with a dad like that, no Indie: what choices i got w my years Indie: gotta go school & rest my head where im told Indie: thats surviving bitch Rio: you gotta choose how you feel about him and how deep you letting it run Indie: i dont get to choose that Indie: dont you get it Indie: hes ruining everything & he aint even here Rio: there's always a choice Rio: you love him like your ma and ro do, he fucks your life up fully Rio: you hate him as much as edie, same Rio: you gotta be the bigger person than him already and fucking live and let live, actually make peace with this shit 'fore it gets you too Indie: nah cos i dont love him or hate him & shits still a mess Indie: idk how to stop it Rio: shit's never not going to be a mess Indie: idk how to make my peace w that Indie: not on a level thats for real Rio: that's what i can't tell you Rio: 'cos me either Indie: then how tf do i stop him ruining me Indie: cept get as close to not feelin anything as i can Indie: but youre telling me no to that Rio: i don't know Rio: feel nothing for him Rio: that's the best i've got Indie: thats how im tryna be Indie: idk what happy is but i kno what starting a day high feels like Indie: how possible it makes shit feel & how invincible i am to anything i dont want Rio: go get high thenIndie: where you @? Indie: lost u in the heads & smoke like Rio: I know, fucking madness ain't it Rio: never gets old Rio: What's up tho? Indie: get off mckenna for a few i need to chat Indie: 😏😏😂😂 Indie: dunno how to spit this Indie: imma just Indie: drews back in the pen lookin @ a fresh stretch Rio: Hush child 😜 Rio: Oh shit Rio: Really? Rio: Any day to get caught, like Rio: he must've been weighed tf down, man Rio: How you feeling on it, babe? Indie: innit tho Indie: vexed i didnt get my share for the feds hit him up Indie: but fr idk man Indie: he trying to play like he sorry & he wants to see my face if his gotta keep in there Rio: Hmm Rio: It's like, does he mean it or is it 'cos it's long in there, like Rio: Not trying to be a cunt genuinely questioning like we gonna get any sort of answer Indie: i told my auntie he sorry for heself only Indie: i feel that Indie: i not trying to 🤡 for him so the pen aint dry Indie: & he aint trying to see my sis face Indie: either of Rio: Yeah, ain't nobody trying to take a baby to prison, can you fucking imagine Rio: least of all Ro sat there like Rio: Jesus Rio: Well, you know I've got your back Rio: if he means it he'll bell you himself once he's in and knows wtf he's doing Rio: but I'm with you with as much as we know now, fuck that, some time away will do us all some good Indie: if former step ma stepped her foot in there shed be shook beyond belief Indie: no jokes Indie: it got me feelin some type of way bad tho like i willed it Indie: cos i wanted him gone from me & the younger Indie: but how long he gets depends she might not kno him lowkey ever Indie: ro aint want him around now she aint gon forgive & forget welcomin him back to the table once he jailbroke Rio: Init Rio: Might be the culture shock she needs but even I ain't gonna say she deserves, like Rio: Nah, dash that, serious Rio: it's always been a risk of how he's living, whether right or wrong, wanted or not, it's just facts Rio: they caught him slipping, nothing to do with how much he been slipping with you and that whole situation Rio: It ain't gonna be like that, system's a joke, yeah? Rio: Idk about that though but if he proper wants to see Astrid then there's ways to make that happen, just he's never put that level of effort in, ever Indie: im heavy w this Indie: aint trying to need this tonite of all nights Indie: gus & di already 👀 edie early Indie: 🚀🚀🚀 coming off Indie: mayb i gotta just bounce from here Rio: I know, babe Rio: you don't have to Rio: no one wants you to go Indie: i aint about wanting that but 💔💔💔💔 u kno Rio: if you gotta Rio: I get it Rio: but you don't need to stay gone, yeah Rio: like Edie doesn't Indie: idk where my boys are i cant be runnin these streets rn Indie: the feds are proper extra Indie: decision makes itself Rio: Yeah they gotta be out in full force Rio: it ain't safe for you to bounce alone, everyone's lairy Rio: We can go home if you want, night close to over neway? Indie: naaaaah you and mckenna got few slow dances to still do Indie: he feelin lucky still & 😍😍😍😍 Indie: he gonna have to bounce heself in like a day Indie: gotta let him have this Rio: Fuck that Rio: you're my priority Rio: what you wanna do, forreal? Indie: idk Indie: but if we bounce drews killed the vibe & i aint want that for myself either Indie: ill track lo cos bros a walking party innit Indie: bound to make a change Indie: find me when you done riding your mans Rio: Yeah Rio: Alright then, sounds good to me Rio: In a few, bitch Indie: i love you Indie: serious Rio: I love you more Rio: Always have, always will Rio: This ain't gonna fuck with no thing, we on the up and up, still Indie: yeah u kno i aint tryna let this make me slip too Indie: thats his Rio: It alright if you do, I'm here to catch you Rio: we all are Indie: i got something in my eye now bitch Indie: 😭😭😭 Rio: No one will know, all the smoke that's about just reckon you wayyyy faded Indie: truuuuu Indie: but in this facepaint w this much 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀 pride not a mood 👌👌 Rio: Soz about it 😏 Indie: speaking of Indie: ask mckenna if he gon lips me or what bitch i been waitin since he shown up Rio: 😲😣 Rio: the nerve to ask me that Indie: he looking daddy af & you kno it Indie: i got dem issues proven so Indie: come thru boyyy Rio: 😂 Rio: we gon' have issues if he come away with green lips thank you Rio: post up Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: what can i say it b that posh knitwear 😍😍😍😍 Indie: who else b dressin like that cept his actual father Indie: im creased Rio: you want his ma after you too Rio: deathwish like you tryna go out on dem streets with a union jack on you Indie: nah she my girl now Indie: loves me real deep Rio: is it? Indie: now she aint catch me face deep in her fridge like Indie: the actual Indie: not some dirty type words there Indie: she b cold but i aint tryna say no thing about in the sheets Rio: 😂😂😂 Rio: you ain't the only one creased now Rio: fucking hell Indie: plot twist fam i be coming for other mckennas 🌈👑 & out here w her own ma Indie: soz bout it Rio: that'd be mad shaming Rio: no living that hypocrisy down, bea Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: nah but girls aint do no thing for me like that Indie: they too soft Rio: Shame, such a soft butch dream, babe 😉 Indie: is it? Indie: that b how im friendzoned by my dream boy rn then Rio: 💔 Rio: gutting Indie: for him Indie: cos im 🔥🔥🔥 and he aint kno Rio: 🙌🙌🙌 Rio: that's my girl Indie: mayb he 🌈🌈🌈 omf u think? Rio: Could be Rio: idk how he living that hard myself but you know Indie: i gotta ask other mckenna how i can 👀 Indie: is junie still here too? Rio: I hope she's fun drunk so you don't get a rant Rio: nah, he left a while ago, I 👀 him sneaking out but it's a day for Irish goodbyes so let him live, like Indie: o Indie: ill run him a text rn Rio: i ever teach u how to be tactful or nah Rio: might need a mama moment 😏 Indie: wys Indie: i aint kno what that mean even Rio: it just means chillin' even when you hyped, 'cos the other person might not be, like Rio: he ain't livin' that pride life Rio: not 'bout being 🍀 like Indie: ooooooooooooo Indie: 👌👌👌👌 Indie: y tho? Rio: I don't know Rio: it's a process Rio: being comfortable with who you is Indie: how you gon b uncomfy w it Indie: lifes long Rio: plenty out there give u reasons why depending on who you is Rio: but it's just in you Rio: it's hard to explain when that ain't how you is but he is, always has been Indie: dash that Indie: poor baby boy Rio: I know Indie: ill just text him love Rio: you cute Indie: 💖💖💖💖 Indie: feelin it Rio: lookin' it Rio: 💘 Indie: shhh allow it Indie: nah man Rio: what you chattin' Rio: you beautiful Indie: not this nite bitch Rio: every night bitch Indie: hype girl vibes is it Indie: kkk Rio: shh i'm only a tiny bit drunk and feeling the luv Rio: also accidental racism come thru there Indie: o snap Indie: my bad Indie: not tryna dash you off that hard Rio: 😂 Rio: though if you ever need to Rio: like, cold but damn Indie: dont even play Indie: omf Rio: though so many whiteys in one place rn we could start a rally Indie: innit Indie: waste Rio: you're happy, aren't you indie Indie: bout what? Indie: what you mean? Rio: in general Rio: i mean Rio: you're okay, yeah Indie: idk baby im me in general Indie: just livin Rio: Hmm Indie: is you? Rio: Yeah Rio: I just want all of you to be too Indie: how you kno tho? Indie: whats the feelin? Rio: Happy? Indie: yeah how is it? Rio: it's like Rio: when you was a kid Rio: but you old enough to appreciate how good it is now Indie: so mckenna makes you feel like you lil Rio: no Rio: it's not like that, or that it's just him Rio: idk Indie: its like a good high or? Rio: not really Rio: it's like, no matter what shit is was or will be Rio: you still good Rio: nothing touches it Indie: yeah? Indie: thats a madness Indie: no wonder you two b amp af Rio: it's security Rio: i think Indie: thats wild Indie: how i b getting myself some of that shit like Rio: i'm no expert Rio: but i think u gotta know yourself, be comfy with it, know what you want and then be tryna get it Rio: and have good people 'round you who are solid too Rio: that's what i reckon anyway but who knows everything could go to shit and then this'll be awks Indie: nah you good Indie: like i said afore mckenna b cuffed now Indie: what i hear you sayin is i need a mans cos i kno myself & where i wanna get Indie: & i got heads all around Rio: hmm Rio: i don't remember saying that 😂 Indie: well i b sayin safe all the time but i aint b feelin no safety Indie: thats whats missin only from what you listin Indie: 🤔🤔🤔🤔 Rio: maybe it ain't as simple as i think then Rio: maybe if there's one wobbly brick, it all comes tumblin' down Rio: weakest link shit Indie: i feel that Rio: yeah Rio: i ain't know how to fix that Rio: i'm still happy Rio: most the time Indie: 💖💖💖👑👑💖💖 Indie: thats sick Indie: im hyped for you Rio: maybe i'm selfish then hmm Indie: naaah Indie: aint no thing wrong w feelin any type way Rio: but if you ain't and edie ain't and so many other people ain't Rio: then i shouldn't, like u can't 'cos of all this stuff Indie: me & edie too 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀 to know how we is Rio: that ain't good either Rio: i should do more i'm being too easy on myself now Indie: dash that Indie: you doin the most for me Indie: all in Indie: & she aint tryna let anyone do anything you kno Rio: i should just do it Rio: not give her the option Rio: we all should Rio: she's just a kid Rio: a kid who don't know what's good for her rn Indie: now i kno you drunk babe Indie: how you gon achieve it? Indie: cant help heads that aint want it Rio: lock her in her room 'til she ready to be good Rio: i know you can't but Rio: we failed her Rio: period Indie: if you lookin for that room to be trashed go off Indie: it aint none of you that failed her Indie: you kno who it was Rio: he never even tried Rio: not once Indie: & thats how it aint matter what you do Indie: it aint bout you Indie: none of Rio: it's fucked up Rio: 'cos you from him you don't get to be happy? what the fuck is that Indie: life bitch Indie: we aint get to choose where we from Rio: nah Rio: nah, that's bullshit i ain't having it Indie: it aint yours to have or to carry thats what im sayin Rio: no, fuck that Rio: don't you get that's exactly what he'd say and how he's living Rio: oh my mum didn't love me and so this is how i am, end of Rio: no growth no change no nothing Rio: he didn't have to do it like that just 'cos Rio: he made choices and you can too, both of you Indie: he didnt have to do no thing but i cant make him behave like you cant her Indie: they gon do what they gon do Indie: shes making her choices rn based on how she viewin none of us can get in her 👀 and get shit untwisted if she aint want Rio: she isn't like him Rio: don't say it like she is Indie: how she not? Indie: she got everything & all she see is what she think she aint got Rio: she just ain't alright Rio: we ain't doing this rn Indie: she is tho Indie: where she now? gone like how he do running from what she has like he do Indie: it aint exactly how they want it so they aint want it Rio: i mean it Rio: stop Indie: you gonna law me now Indie: is that how we doin Rio: you don't know what you're talking about Rio: i don't wanna listen Indie: you wish i aint kno Indie: thats why you dont wanna hear Rio: you're saying all this like you reckon you're better Rio: you don't know Rio: he chose you Rio: you don't know what it's like to be her Indie: what i kno is i used to chat at myself every nite wishing your rents would keep me and she dashes them over so hard it breaks them Indie: what i kno is they chose her & got mad love and what his is better cos he was inside your ma for a few? nah Indie: what i kno is that he was backed into a corner over me cos my ma fucked died Indie: yours gotta b punished cos she was strong enough to do her job fuck that Indie: im better cos im here & im real bout and on all this Rio: you don't think she don't know that Rio: you don't think it's half the root of her fucking problem Rio: lucky edie and poor indie Rio: so just stop because this ain't nothing i don't know, her too Rio: it's already on her without you ever saying it Indie: you say that like she wearing it Indie: she aint Rio: you blame her Rio: she wants to be drew's kid as little as you do, you'd be an idiot to believe her when she says opposite Rio: there's no points for being real here, she's not stupid, she knows what's up and it's fucked, you've got your ways of coping, she's got hers Rio: neither fucking work, clearly Indie: she blames me for more than ill ever blame her for Indie: & she aint tryna be anybody or anybodys Rio: nah Rio: she feels sorry for you though and that don't sit right does it Rio: because you should be sharing on it together yeah? but that ain't ever gonna happen because he didn't once claim her so you don't get to be sisters Rio: she don't know how to be Indie: bitch so do you it just came right out your mouth then & there 👌👌 Indie: & nah that aint sit right w me cos i aint ask to be none of you or your fam charity Indie: but i dont need her to be my sister no more than i need him to step up for me in any type of way Indie: i made my peace Rio: bullshit Rio: just like you say you safe but you ain't you say that but it's a crock of shit Rio: at least she isn't pretending to be fine Indie: u aint heard me say im fine Indie: but am i ghosting nah Rio: you always say it Rio: bet you told Meena you were too Indie: if you thinkin you hearing that from me you aint listenin Indie: i aint being real w her how i am w you cos she aint need that Rio: Jesus fucking Christ Rio: and Edie don't wanna be anybody's Rio: she's your family, we're your family too Rio: she might not be here but you may as well not be the way you try and shrink yourself to not be part of the 'Drew' problem, no bother to no one Indie: if thats how you want it ill bounce too then Rio: did i say that Indie: you are w how youre coming for me rn Rio: you started it Indie: nah Indie: i aint come for you once this whole time Rio: you came for her Indie: she aint you Rio: she's my sister Rio: and she's not here to defend herself Indie: bitch me too Indie: & she wouldnt defend herself if she was Rio: i know Rio: and that doesn't matter Rio: i still have to Indie: you cant have it all ways either im fam and shes my sister too or im separate and i cant speak on it Indie: how you want it Rio: nah Rio: we don't speak on it don't act like you ain't noticed Rio: you don't call each other out that's not what we do Indie: then i aint trying to be w none of you Indie: cos thats bait Rio: Fine Indie: you call me out any time it suits you to do it Rio: bitch when Indie: when i got inked you had plenty to say about it Indie: & when i got dashed before then Rio: telling you your shit boyfriend is shit and you're making an idiot out of yourself is entirely different to coming for her life and her entire being Rio: if you can fix it you can say it Indie: theres plenty of shit that could have been said to her afore it got to this Indie: but nah just come for my life tonite stead like Rio: i done said we failed her Rio: you think i don't know Indie: i aint tryna tell you how you think Indie: or what you kno Rio: nah come on Rio: you had all the answers 5 seconds ago Indie: fuck that Indie: & you if thats how you wanna be Rio: whatever Indie: pretend like you aint got no more to say like how i pretend im fine 👌👌 Indie: its chill Rio: you ain't listening Rio: i'm not wasting breath Indie: bitch im here where you think i is Indie: if i aint listening i be out Rio: you ain't ready to learn then Indie: what you tryna school me in? Indie: all you tellin me is idk what i'm chattin Rio: because you don't Indie: what am i learnin from you that my heads empty? Indie: tell me what you want me to kno Rio: i already said everything i wanted to say 'cos i ain't faking it Rio: so forget it Indie: you callin me out again now Indie: or you just want me to kno how real you is Indie: like i gotta be scared of the flex now Rio: yeah, i'm calling you out Indie: idk how you think you can when i been real w you on all this Indie: but go off girl if you feelin it Rio: That isn't the point, this isn't about me and you Indie: it is when you dragging me for ways i aint livin Rio: bullshit Rio: i'm not going over and over this Indie: ?? Indie: i dont get what you want Rio: just forget it at this point Rio: this isn't productive and it isn't going to be Indie: why tho Rio: Because what, you're going to start asking for help and then what when we just let you down too Rio: There is no solution to all this so if acting fine helps then go for it Rio: There's no point you stopping Indie: i aint gonna ask for no help cos they aint none Indie: its how i told you its mine to carry Indie: i fix what i fix how i do Rio: what exactly are you fixing Indie: are you asking whats wrong or calling out my copin ways? Rio: i know what's wrong Indie: then how you gon say i pretend like im fine Rio: just because you're bad at it doesn't mean you don't Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: yeah Indie: you got jokes still Indie: love that Rio: i told you to stop and i said we weren't doing this but now this is over Indie: make it happen if you want it to Rio: fine Indie: such a ma thing to say Rio: shut up Rio: jesus Indie: go Indie: its what you tryna do Rio: oh is it Rio: what we do best yeah Rio: so you get to be all holier than thou i don't think so Indie: you aint tryna speak to me Indie: so be brave & do what you wanna for real Rio: more chatting with no clue Rio: for fuck sake Indie: you so clued in yeah 👌👌 Indie: my bad for forgetting it like Rio: don't speak to me like that Indie: you only law me i dont law you Rio: yeah that's how it is Indie: i kno Indie: like how i kno that even when you b aware my heart hurts you care about hers more Rio: yeah yeah yeah Rio: why, 'cos we got the same ma? Rio: that don't matter to me Rio: it matters to you two Rio: but act like it's just her, go on Indie: no cos you wont let me fucking speak Indie: & mayb tonite i need to Indie: but you only care about defending her not hearing me Rio: go ahead Rio: you reckon slagging her off is gonna make you feel any better Rio: it won't Indie: you been told me there aint no solutions anyway so whats it matter how i choose Rio: because it hurts me and makes you look dumb Rio: that's why it matters Rio: this isn't about her, it never needed to be Rio: it's about him, as fucking per Indie: its about me Indie: jfc Rio: and what haven't you said then Rio: and how doesn't that prove my point Rio: i asked you what you wanted to do Rio: i said we could go Rio: but you went with the usual like that's what the situation calls for, let me carry on partying and you go get high and act like you ain't thinking on him Rio: as if I'm that fucking stupid and that fucking selfish, I'm here waiting on you Indie: i said idk & i dont Indie: stop Rio: Let's just go Indie: you go if you want but i cant Rio: Nah Rio: nah you don't get to do this Indie: ?? Indie: what i done now Rio: You have to come because you have to talk about this Indie: you aint tryna talk to me no more you been made that obvious Indie: so who you want me to chat to? mckenna? Rio: Fucking hell Rio: I want to talk to you properly Rio: not like this because you won't leave and deal with it like it's actually a big deal Rio: come on Indie: the only big deal is how you be thinking on me Indie: & i aint tryna talk to you bout that anymore than Rio: what are you talking about Indie: all you been doing this whole time is chatting at me bout everything i do wrong for fixing this shit Indie: but telling me you got no means Rio: no i haven't Indie: check back w yourself cos thats how it is, i pretend im fine, i get high, i chat shit thats all wrong Indie: but you aint got no right way for me Rio: how about stop Rio: your taking shit outta context and adding 'em together when that ain't how it was said Indie: its how it feels Rio: well that isn't what i meant Indie: you wanna compare me to her but im doin my best to keep my shit together same as Rio: i only made any comparisons to point out the hypocrisy Rio: there's no need to come for her, trust me, it won't bring you any joy Indie: theres no need but sometimes i wanna Rio: We all do Indie: dont you 👀 now why i cant leave Indie: i aint tryna have my nite end like this Rio: what good do you think's gonna come Indie: i aint need good just not this Indie: get high enough to wipe it out like it was never Rio: doesn't work Rio: i don't know why you want me to be fake with you like it does when i been there and know better Indie: it works for me Indie: it worked for my ma too Rio: if it worked for your ma she would've got off the shit 'cos she'd be off and over your da too Rio: no it fucking doesn't Indie: you say that like he was her only Indie: problems b stacked Rio: loving him was her main Rio: everything else was survivable, don't get that twisted Indie: he was survivable too Rio: you reckon Indie: im surviving him Indie: edie is Indie: astrid will Rio: surviving ain't thriving Indie: maybe i aint get to thrive Indie: maybe i got that twisted Rio: you got some choices to make Indie: not yet Rio: why not? Indie: cos i aint grown Indie: you always b telling me i kno you aint forgot Rio: you haven't got that luxury, that's what you got twisted Rio: with a dad like that, no Indie: what choices i got w my years Indie: gotta go school & rest my head where im told Indie: thats surviving bitch Rio: you gotta choose how you feel about him and how deep you letting it run Indie: i dont get to choose that Indie: dont you get it Indie: hes ruining everything & he aint even here Rio: there's always a choice Rio: you love him like your ma and ro do, he fucks your life up fully Rio: you hate him as much as edie, same Rio: you gotta be the bigger person than him already and fucking live and let live, actually make peace with this shit 'fore it gets you too Indie: nah cos i dont love him or hate him & shits still a mess Indie: idk how to stop it Rio: shit's never not going to be a mess Indie: idk how to make my peace w that Indie: not on a level thats for real Rio: that's what i can't tell you Rio: 'cos me either Indie: then how tf do i stop him ruining me Indie: cept get as close to not feelin anything as i can Indie: but youre telling me no to that Rio: i don't know Rio: feel nothing for him Rio: that's the best i've got Indie: thats how im tryna be Indie: idk what happy is but i kno what starting a day high feels like Indie: how possible it makes shit feel & how invincible i am to anything i dont want Rio: go get high then Indie: but youll leave Rio: I ain't trying be that, that's not how it is for me Indie: i love you Indie: tell me how it should be Rio: I love you too Rio: I just meant I'm not going to sit around and get high with you too, I can't Rio: you've got your friends for that Rio: I'll be at home Indie: dont go without me Indie: ill come with Indie: i meant how i said i aint tryna go looking for them Rio: Okay Rio: come on then Indie: is mckenna gonna be vexed at me now too Rio: i'm not Rio: first of all Rio: and why would he be Indie: cos i want you to stay w me Rio: no, he'll get it Rio: i'm not with him anyway, i told you, i've been waiting for you, no sense him too Rio: probably go home with his da Indie: but he aint here for long Indie: im not tryna do you like that serious Rio: trust me, it's fine Rio: let me worry about him as and when Indie: ok Indie: im sorry for how i chatted Indie: doin you & edie dirty Rio: I'm sorry too, things got heated and potentially things were said that shouldn't, or at least said in unhelpful ways Rio: I just want good things for you, I just want you to be alright Rio: both of you, equally as much Indie: i kno Indie: & trust my head & heart wont b this rinsed always Indie: its just Rio: it literally just happened, it's still sinking in if at all Rio: no matter how many times, you were too young on a lot of 'em to feel it how you do now Rio: not dissing Meena on how she did it either but idk, not tonight Indie: i really thought on him stepping up for astrid Indie: thats so chief of me but Indie: & i was so high when she told me Rio: I know Rio: I thought he might too but Rio: just say he didn't have the chance now yeah Rio: like how he didn't with Edie 'cos Ma wouldn't be with him Rio: whatever Rio: and I'm drunk, we need to go to bed Rio: it'll be there in the morning Indie: youll be there too yeah no drunk rollin out the bed like Rio: of course Rio: i might need to throw up and lay on the tiles for a bit but i'm an adult, you'll never even clock Indie: imma join cos can we all stop acting that guinness aint filth Indie: what mckenna on bout man Indie: he aint even from here Rio: 😂 Rio: it's so heavy, barely ate 'cos I feel like I been feasting all day Rio: really helps with getting you pished faster, nicely played Guinness Indie: it taste how when i was little & watchin your ma fix her truck & put this old spanner in my mouth Rio: So legit Rio: Be the iron Rio: should get Ro on 'em forreal Indie: put her on a drip Indie: proper drs orders soz step ma Indie: pint in the vein Rio: Imagine mainlining booze Rio: people would, especially today, no fucking chill Indie: unhectic Indie: nah ty Indie: but yeah even my 🐶 be on his feral hype rn jam baby boy Rio: He too lil, that carling did him in Indie: who tf Indie: he needs zzzzzzzzzzzs too Indie: mckenna be shit dog daddy Rio: just don't take away the dog part of that Rio: he'd be gutted Indie: just dont let him put a 👶 in you Indie: im savin you tonite but aint be there all time Rio: Behave Rio: I won't Indie: we all 👀 him holding my younger like she 💣 Indie: never done seen a boy so scared Rio: he got reasons Rio: nah no Rio: dash that Indie: wys Indie: cos his younger? Rio: yeah Indie: how old would he be? its a madness Rio: Like... Rio: God Rio: 8? Rio: Bit younger than Gus Indie: he'd be running w him & di Rio: Yeah Rio: Now I wanna cry all over again Indie: soz Indie: i love dem boys tho Indie: how would he be lookin? mckenna & other mckenna are so different for twins like Rio: init Rio: god knows Rio: cute tho Indie: frecks for days i reckon Indie: their das skipped em Rio: awh Indie: like di but not as cute cos u kno Indie: he 😍😍😍 Rio: yeah he a babe Rio: changed my mind want a baby broody now Indie: i aint tryna see the footage of me he got today tho wildin Indie: i wanna have so many 👶👶👶👶👶 Indie: but in years Rio: he a menace with that 📹 Rio: but he does know angles so 🤞 Rio: years and years and years, don't need to repeat ma Indie: he gon be somebody w dem skillz Indie: yeah man i wanna be 👵 af fore i start Indie: like ro Rio: i don't wanna be that old Rio: how i gonna be a MILF then Indie: u kno catch me @ 25 Indie: i aint got chill Indie: & you a milf now bitch hello Rio: you know i ain't but i'll have to live vicariously probs Rio: 😘 ty Indie: mckenna will step up to b a real daddy you all good Rio: it makes it too real Rio: stick with my imaginary dream baby daddy Indie: you got a 💎💍💎 girl how fake is it Indie: mhmmm tho who he be? 😏😏😏😏 Rio: this diamond be so real bitch Rio: wys Indie: lemme bite it Indie: nah thats porcelain yeah Indie: idk Indie: gold? Indie: its something Rio: 😂 child you feral Rio: stay away from my hand and my bling Indie: rude Indie: speaking on imma start climbin if i cant get thru these heads towards you soon Indie: dont get the wrong idea lads Rio: it's literally ridiculous Rio: can't see a damn thing but buster n his da 'cos they freaky giants, head for them like they a landmark bitch Indie: ive shouted well much native 👅 & these wasteman aint tryna no none Indie: fake 🍀 three times removed or what boyyys Rio: that's the real tea Rio: yanks be out here with their st pattys like bitch no Indie: gingers too Indie: it aint make you one of us cos you 🥕 Indie: if you repin you repin Rio: @Nance next time babe Indie: ill say it in irish she aint kno Indie: posh girl Rio: 😶 savage Rio: omg Indie: she wearin the colours but she aint got her mouth round them sounds soz bout it Indie: my ma aint kno none either tho what a madness Rio: s'a dying language babe, loads natives don't even Indie: hacks Indie: we can say how we want Rio: imma text granddad and be like put on danny boy Rio: get 'em emosh, be easier to get out Indie: 👑👑👑 moves Indie: til i get something in my eye again & cant find my way out Rio: you don't work in pubs long as i did without knowing how to calm a crowd babe Indie: innit tho Rio: ooh, I see you Rio: swerve them or imma have to explain Indie: 👀 & 👂s baby Indie: ✌✌✌✌