#i dont want to do this o h my goood but i cant get myself to fuckING MOVE

[nct-markeureee-blog]

g e t  to  k n o w  me tag

 asjkh tagged by @donghyuckstudies + @taebreez <3<3<3<3 ahh ily guys :3

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning, when you are finished you have to tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

1) Are you named after someone? nopee

2) When is the last time you cried? i cried so much when nct had their first win --  but the last time i cried was an hour ago bc i studied so hard for a test and i did it today and it was hard and i feel like i failed and i probably did fail and the idea of failing just kills me so so much omg i cant ok bye

3) Do you like your handwriting? yeap my writing is pretty good to be honest! but sometimes when i take notes i just look at the board and write/copy at the same time and then i look at my writing after im done and its just .... ... hahahahahahaha

4) What is your favourite lunch to eat? S U S H I i love sushi so so much like adlkj i can eat this sole creation for the rest of my life

i also like tempura shrimp/veggieeess

5) Do you have kids? sorry i aint no Teen Mom ,., but i dont plan to be a mom ever so ye

6) If you were another person, would you be friends with you? ahh i think i would tbh i feel like im a really nice and caring and selfless and social person in my opinion and i think im just a good friend material ! at least i hope so ? lol

7) Do you use sarcasm? no omg i never use sarcasm and tbhhhh sometimes i get sad when people use mean sarcasm even tho the point of sarcasm is not to get mad/sad welppp

8) Do you still have your tonsils? ya lol are tonsils that bad to be a question idk

9) Would you bungee jump? ohmg yeeee i think i would be down and then 5 mins before i jump ill be like what kind of shit did i just get myself into 

10) What is your favourite kind of cereal? ahh i dont really eat cereal/oatmeal but i like cinnamon toast crunch or those cereals with clusters i despise fruit loops hmm what

11) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? my shoelaces are always untied lmao whoops

12) Do you think you��re a strong person? holy shit not even a million ‘no’s would be able to emphasize how un-strong of a person i am especially when it comes to grades

13) What is your favourite ice cream flavour? im not into ice cream(except for matcha ice cream) but i like fruit sorbets! 

14) What is the first thing you notice about people? facial features? and then probably their height

15) Red or pink? i dont like both ,, BUT MARK LIKES PINK SO PINK

16) What is the least favourite physical thing you like about yourself? my body/weight in general 

17) What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now? black ~shorts~(even tho its winter) and no shoes

18) What was the last thing you ate? the last legit thing was asian stir fry veggies but i just tried an “orange cream yogurt raisin” rn that tasted weird

19) What are you listening to right now? nothing but the last thing i did was Good Thing -  N  C  T. T T T T 

(whenever i feel sad though (like rn) i would listen to Tomorrow-BTS)

20) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? yellow because like its all nice and bright and pretty and everyone uses yellow but then the second the yellow crayon touches/mixes with a darker colour the crayon gets ruined and no one wants to use the yellow crayon anymore ://

21) Favourite smell? juicy couture smells really goood and mens cologne asdjkf

22) Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my friend she asked me to send her some notes for the TEST WHICH i failed

23) Favourite sport to watch? ahhhhhhhh i love soccer(fifa) and volleyball matches and then i loooveeee watching all the olympics sports collectively yeet

24) Hair colour? my natural hair colour is like a standard chestnut brown but i dyed it a golden brown-blonde but its been 6 months since i last redyed it and half my hair is brown again and idk whether ill switch to my natural hair colour or redye it

25) Eye colour?  chestnut

26) Do you wear contacts? i wear glasses(near-sighted) but my eyesight is good enough to see properly w/out glasses so contacts are unnecessary technically

27) Favourite food to eat? S U S H I. Sushi!

28) Scary movies or comedy? comedy hands down i love the feeling of laughing so hard that you’re just uncontrollably wheezing and hyperventilating asjkfs 

29) Last movie you watched? idek i dont watch movies but i watch NCT videos and kdramas

30) What colour of shirt are you wearing? im not wearing a shirt wearing a zip up fleece turtleneck sweater thats like an amalgamate of white, beige, dark green, brown, dark teal colours its rlly pretty and comfy 

31) Summer or winter? im a canadian so winter but last week i literally fell six times in a row from the snow/ice and i couldnt move and i got sick so winter rn ihy pls end rn

32) Hugs or kisses? im a 15 year old hormonal teenage girl so this question makes me hormonal i feel like i dont really see a difference i think that if the action is sincere and genuine i would enjoy/prefer both equally

33) What book are you currently reading? other than webtoons i never really read any books other than school textbooks(current one im reading is “Object Oriented Programming: an intro to java” or sm like that)

34) Who do you miss right now? i dont really miss anyone i think ppl enter and leave my life for a reason i just miss this person that i loved so much named Good GrADES ;-; yes i am still salty i will forever be salty

35) What is on your mouse pad? im on a laptop so uh ,,

36) What is the last TV program you watched? do kdramas count? The Shining Eun Soo(my first and fav >25 ep kdrama) 

NCT LIFE PLS I AM WAITING EVERYDAY

37) What is the best sound? MARK LEES LAUGH SMILE EXISTENCE i like the sound of good grades

38) Rolling Stone or the Beatles? i feel like this preference is worthless because i know neither and i only listen to kpop but i guess the beatles?

39) What is the furthest you have ever travelled? Egypt 

40) Do you have a special talent? after months of careful bs i have developed the skill of crafting excellent academic essays that require some sort of reading(novel, article, idk)  ...,,, without actually ,,reading

41) Where were you born? toronto, canada

42) People you expect to participate in this? “expect” UhM i tag everyone!

@nctgiri @taeiloves @why-jaehyun @jaehyyunn @jenowhat @1aeil MY GOOD CHINGUS sorry if you’ve already been tagged lmao 

[zealousloser]

Talking to myself.

So this is going to be a journaling thing to try and get myself to get things done today and feel less shitty about life right now, so really you can just skip this post unless you want to see how this kind of therapy is laid out. This type of work through is more common in DBT, from what I can tell; but I’ve also encountered related stuff in CBT. It feels like a massive waste of my time and in my experience hasn’t resulted in a notable change of mental state, or rarely results in a different outcome... But here we fucking go because therapy is like slamming your head into a brick wall repeatedly, right? Right. Okay. I’ll go ahead and toss a read more break here I guess too, idk.

Today’s goals and current thoughts: Go to the post office and mail the eBay orders that were received, go to Walmart (kill me) for transmission fluid (primarily), exercise (physical therapy routine at the bare minimum), draw something, clean something.  I’m having a pretty crappy day pain wise; I ache all over, I’m incredibly fatigued. My upper back is giving me some issues. I feel weak and like social interaction will be clumsy and particularly stressful. All I want to do is hide inside, smoke, listen to music, think some thoughts, exist in a perpetual void, etcetc.

Positive argument:

Ebay seller account will stay in good standing if things are mailed on time, which results in continued purchases, which in turn means more income. The post office is not far, and even a long line is really only a minor inconvenience at best. I’m not on a strict time schedule.

The car needs fluid or else it will become an even more expensive and time consuming problem to fix. Going to Walmart also allows me to try and find something small as a Christmas present for Emery.

Keeping up with exercise and physical therapy will help reduce the chronic pain and fatigue over time, helping achieve a better quality of life. It will increase mobility and flexibility, which honestly goes without saying how important those things are. It would make literally everything that involves having a body easier, more enjoyable, and more comfortable.

There’s a drawing for my fp that I need to work on! Giving that to him would make him happy, drawing feels like some sort of productivity, and it will be an important step to actually bring a piece to completion. I don’t have enough finished drawings. I always give up. So change that by finishing one for someone you dig, who digs you!

Cleaning tends to be a decent stress reliever, and being in a clean and orderly (or at least a tidy clutter) makes me feel better emotionally.

Negative argument:

There isn’t really much of a negative argument here. It’s just the post office, stop being a little bitch. For reeeeal. I mean yeah, you have to get the packing materials and the product from your dads house at your old job... but as much as you hate having to deal with those brief interactions with the people there, it’s not going to kill you. And he shouldn’t even have a reason to stop you because you were at his place last night and everything should be handled. It’s cool. Just leave the fucking house oh my goooooddddd.

Walmart really is awful. I mean, it’s a hellscape. My anxiety spikes to insane levels every time I’m there. I can find something for Emery somewhere else, and going to Walmart may also result in me purchasing alcohol; which I don’t have the money for, and I probably shouldn’t be drinking any more right now.

The pain and fatigue makes physical movement at all difficult, let alone actual exercise. I really don’t want to.

Drawing can be mentally tedious and with the pain flare ups, it can be a challenge to sit down and work on anything for any functional length of time.

Same stuff regarding pain and energy levels for the day applies to the cleaning goal.

Handling the negative:

Wear some comfortable and covering clothing, and just breathe. Eat some lunch, wait until some of the rush dies down so that the lines at the post office aren’t too unbearable. Start there; get those things mailed out, and then head to the auto parts store. It’s probably best to avoid Walmart for today to reduce exposure to unnecessary stress, and to remove the possibility for additional spending. The ATF is what’s important right now, I don’t need to buy anything else. It’s a slightly further drive, but driving with music and the fairly mild weather isn’t a bad thing. As for exercise, while going to the gym or something more committed like that is an option it is not mandatory. It’s a difficult day for something like that, and something is better than nothing. Just do the physical therapy regimen and see where goes from there. Drawing is flexible; sketch something small, at least try to. Don’t put too much pressure on it, it isn’t needed. I have a decent relationship with my art at the moment so it’s best not to risk turning it into a chore and hurting such a stable coping mechanism when I really need it. There are 3 roommates who are more than open to helping with house work, all I need to do is ask. I can take care of smaller tasks that don’t require too many painful movements on my own and enlist someone’s aid for the other stuff. The music and smokes aren’t going anywhere; it’ll all be there to drown in again once the days tasks are done! It will all be alright and over before you know it. ♥