#i dont wanna seem needy and ask why they arent going to my thing

[riceccakes]

i think i'll always be the friend/person who cares more than others. i shouldn't have assumed the people in my life would do the things i'd do for them. i even miss these people so much and whenever i try to make plans, it falls through last minute or never gets set in the first place

[judaru]

Year End Writing Progress Meme

Ahh, I’ve seen a lot of people in the magi fandom doing @dragonofeternal​‘s writing meme, and it looked really fun so I thought that I would give it a shot! This year has been really fun for me in terms of writing, and I’ve never really written much before like, September of this year, so I thought it would be fun to reflect on all of the writing and improvement that I’ve done this year!  ♡

[Here is my AO3 in case anyone was wondering! I write a lot of Sinju while crying I just… I just want them to be happy so bad *prayer emoji*]

Total Word Count: 77,415 -AO3: 61,873 -WIPs: 4,000 -Planning: 11,542

Total Projects: 14 (most are still just planning tho OTL) Magi: 14 (I also have planning for some Arslan Senki and Twin Signal stuff, but that’s the kind of self-indulgent thing that won’t ever get posted and lives at the bottom of my drafts, so I didn’t think it was worth mentioning ^^;)

Types of Fanfic Projects: -Chaptered Fics: 2 -Oneshots: 5 -WIP/Unposted: 7

Improvement over last year: Infinity LMAO I didn’t really write anything last year! I kinda dabbled in Edvy and stuff but… I don’t really talk about that anymore lmao

AWARDS

Top 3 projects I wrote the most for: 1) Melt (49,629) 2) Mistletoe (3,006) 3) Stay (2,386) (I guess it’s pretty easy to tell where all my effort went… lmaO)

Top 3 most popular by kudos: 1) Melt (150) 2) Stay (47) 3) Ocean’s Kiss (31) (tbh I’m like… really overwhelmed with all of the kudos I’ve gotten ghsudfksfsd I was honestly expecting like a dozen odd kudos and a paperclip because I’ve really just.. never posted writing before?? So the positive feedback was really overwhelming and I cry a lot LMAO)

Top 3 most popular by comment threads: 1) Melt (62) 2) Ocean’s Kiss (11) 3) Stay (6) (Obviously Melt won out because… I’ve put my whole life into it lmaO but I was really really surprised that the Mermaid AU did so well?? Everyone seemed to really like that one kdfjsfs so I’m really excited to write more of it in the coming months !!)

Most fun to write: Oh man rfsjdkhgj I have a lot of fun writing in general aaaaaah that’s why I post so much and clog the archive all the time omg I’m sorry? I think the winner is probably Ocean’s Kiss, my Sinju mermaid AU :’) The concept of a mermaid AU has always been very dear to my heart–the first thing I ever did in magi fandom was actually a mermaid AU rp with my friend–so I had planned to write it from the beginning, tbh? It just took me a while to get to, but it’s just so so much fun to write, I think Judal definitely fits the role of troublemaking siren, with Sinbad as his idiot pirate of course :’) god i love them im gonna start crying Sexiest moment: lmao im 15 and inexperienced and really, really not good at writing sexy scenes sorry @ all of my readers who arent minors hgrfudkfhfj but I guess Burn was fun to write lmao? it was masshar and it was supposed to have a blowjob scene but then i remembered that.. i dont know how to write porn.. so it was just needy sharrkan and grinding gudfkjfsdhc but it was fun i guess Funniest moment: im literally not good at any of these hdiufks my humor scenes fall SO FLAT i hate it but i was laughing at myself in the mermaid au because every time judal smacked sinbad in the face with his tail i felt 10 years being added onto my lifespan tbh.. i was cackling ND ALSO in melt any time ja’far is talking to sinbad about judal frsdkjgvhd i liked those scenes.. every time ja’far said shit like “i mean he’s cute but he can’t be here sin” i laughed @ myself Hardest to write: group settings ugh please kill me i hate when im writing and there’s twelve people in the scene like i’m bound to forget 7 of them its just the nature of the beast? exhausting. like every chapter in melt where there’s a festival and all the generals are there is so harD for me *eyeroll emoji* and i have one more festival scene planned so its gonna have to happen AGAIN and im gonna suffer Big Time™ Biggest Disappointment: i vastly underestimated both the size and demand for masshar fic and i was kinda sad when it only got like 5 kudos hrifgj i really thought there was still a masshar ship community but there wasNT and it flopped lmao. but i still like writing masshar and honestly i’d probably do it again tbh? it was still fun :^) Most Surprising: ocean’s kiss hdsufkfgs lmao that thing got comments from people who hadn’t showed up in the sinju fandom for months to years and i was crying the whole time.. it was a fic that meant a lot to me too so the fact that it got so much sweet feedback really made me  ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ Favorite story of the year: probably melt tbh :,) i put my heart and soul into that fic and the fact that it did much, much better than i’d first anticipated just made me so happy ♡ its about halfway done now and I can’t wait to tell the rest of it!! i have so many plans I am crying Something I want to revisit: like, half the chapters in melt ghfudeilfjge anD ALSO THE HOLIDAY AUS i wrote them when i was really sad and upset for Reasons so they weren’t as cheery as i would’ve liked :( first snow was cuter because it was posted later and i was happier then but.. mistletoe was written when i was :V about a lot of things so I’d like to rewrite it someday.. maybe next christmas :’)

What writing risks did I take and how did they pay off: I.. honestly didn’t take that many risks? I think the biggest risk that I ever could’ve taken was to write for myself. I really really tried to write only things that made me happy, and I was really nervous as to how the reception of that would be, but it turned out really well!! I’ve got a lot of sweet comments and feedback from readers, and the response was more than I every could’ve asked for  ♡ Writing goals for 2017: my goal is to finish Melt before the end of the school year, preferably before the end of April. I also just really wanna try harder to stick to my freaking update schedule because, like, some people are banging out a solid 7k every week, people with JOBS, and I’m still in high school and I can barely finish my measly 4k by Sunday ghfdklrgjdj. I just need to work harder on time management tbh, but overall I just wanna write more in 2017!

This was really fun to do!! Thanks again to dragonofeternal for sharing their template, I think doing these meme really helped me get my thoughts together and decide where to go with my writing in 2017. I can’t wait to write more for the new year! ♡

[all-only-always-mine]

why did you ghost me?

i wanna ask you that, but i know how bad you are with your words, and im sure youd only say its cause youre a bad person or something, though thats not necessarily true. youd say "oof" or "bc im awful" or "idk" or something like that. and i understand its bc youre horrible with communication, youre not neurotypical, i dont think. and thats fine, and normally i would understand and work with you and find a compromise that doesnt leave you feeling too uncomfortable and doesnt leave me how i was left, feeling confused and abandoned.

however, what you did was kind of fucked up. you know about my issues with my father and stepfather. you know how my last ex before you disappeared too. and you still ghosted. its been 9 months since we broke up. its been over a year and a half since we started dating. and im still fucked up over you.

i know you never believed me when i said i loved you. you only thought i hated you because you hate yourself so much you cant imagine anyone not feeling the same. honestly, it baffles me too, how much i loved you. youre a dropout, youve got no social skills, youre picky, and mean, and horrible at communication. your life goals are about as unattainable as can be, you arent all that attractive, you talked constantly about how you were gonna get a job and lose weight and this that and the other without ever actually going through the steps to get it, and every tiny little obstacle you met delayed everything for at least 2 months. we are nothing alike. we arent compatible. we never really were. but god i wanted to marry you. i could picture us living together, and having kids, 2 little boys. i could imagine us getting married, working at our restaurant, our life was gonna be fucking great. i really, honestly, truly had faith in us. its the only thing ive ever been so sure of in my entire fucking life.

and in the beginning i know you loved me more than i loved you. you were honestly a bit obsessive. and i didnt mind. i liked it. but then you stopped. i loved you more than i had before, you didnt seem to like me at all.

what i want to know, the reason id be texting you right now if i thought youd actually give me an answer, is what i did wrong. why did you fall out of love with me? why did you disappear for weeks on end? why the fuck did you make another account and have a goddamn conversation with me on it, thinking i didnt know it was you?

did i even do anything wrong? was i too clingy or needy? did you stop thinking i was pretty? did i get annoying? or did you just lose feelings, like all it was was a strong crush? did you realize how badly matched we were? or maybe you convinced yourself i hated you?

i want you to know im still hung up on this. maybe you really thought i hate you, but i loved you more than anyone id loved before. you probably think i hardly even remember you, or that i wasnt affected much by what happened with us, but goddamn thats far from the truth.

i almost want to actually text you. just say "hey, we need to talk. as much as i absolutely hate to admit it, im still kinda fucked up over you. i dont love you, and i havent loved you since about november or so. but because of how shit ended with us, i never got any sort of closure, and i think if i get that now it might help. i know ur bad with words and communication and feelings and shit so obv ill work with that, all i ask is that u please, please try. i wanna know why u didnt just break up with me, and why u stopped loving me in the first place. idk if i did something wrong or if it was literally just as simple as like. u just stopped liking me. so even if there isnt an actual answer, that works just as well. just, help me out here ig."

and then we can move forward from there, and part ways.