#i dont think this one warranted a readmore its not that long.

[bloodymyhands]

please was not a word she said often, to anyone; it was a level of vulnerability that most did not see. her shoulders relaxed when bo-katan told her she would stay, the feeling of comfort washing over her, making her eyelids heavy. she let the other woman lie her down, her exhaustion finally starting to catch up to her. laying next to someone was completely different than sleeping alone -- the warmth of bo's body radiated off of her, pulling the armorer in like a magnet. she'd never even considered the possibility of this happening to her. of laying next to the woman she loved, after being held and kissed by her as though she deserved it. she turned her head, looking at bo-katan as she laid down and faced her, whispering a pet name to her and reaching a hand out to touch her cheek. even though she had cried all the tears she thought she had, she still felt a lump in her throat at the gentle contact. in time, this would be something she'd have to deal with. for now, though?

for now, she relaxed into the furs, let her body finally calm down entirely. distantly, she wondered how many days it would be before she could bathe herself. it was mortifying to think someone else would have to do it for her. "you can fall asleep," she replied, nuzzling against bo's hand. she had never been in love before, not like this. she hadn't realized how all consuming it would be. she had known for a while that she had strong feelings for bo-katan, but it wasn't until the woman had taken over her every waking thought that she had been forced to recognize that it was more than just a crush. the fact that was reciprocated was a miracle in her eyes.

"when you check on the others," she began, closing her eyes. "just tell them i'm alright." don't tell them i broke the creed was her unspoken next words. she still had no idea how she was going to deal with that. to be frank, she didn't want to speak it out loud right now anyway, and ruin the moment. she opened her eyes again, looking at bo. "and allow yourself the grace to not feel guilty for this mission gone wrong. there will be many more in the future that do. you can rest here for as long as you need."

when bo-katan asked if there was anything she could do, she considered it for a moment. there was lots to be done, in general, and probably lots more to be done about her own injuries. she would need to clean up, apply salve to the more obvious wounds, bandages over the things that needed to be covered up. then there was the fact that they had to check on all the others and do the same with them. she knew for a fact at least one mandalorian had been beat as badly as she had, although she hadn't noticed who it was when they'd been dragged away. the people needed to know that their leaders were well and safe. she would need to clean this bloody bedding. find a way to move again. exercise her body until the aches stopped.

but, none of that was a concern for this exact moment. rather, after bo asked what she could do for her, the armorer only let these thoughts visit for a brief moment before she smiled. a real, genuine smile, one that was always hidden under the helmet, one that a real person hadn't seen in ages.

"no," she replied softly, reaching a hand up to take bo's so she could bring it up to her lips and kiss the back of her knuckles. she had no idea how she was supposed to go on with her life after this, knowing how bo-katan felt under her lips, seeing her at her most vulnerable. she knew these moments would never leave her mind, even if sleep was finally starting to take her. "no, my love. i'm the happiest i've ever been. thank you."

she'd thanked her so many times tonight, but it was only fitting that her final words before sleep finally took her would be just that. the very last thing she'd expected when she'd woken up this morning had been this, but it worked out for her in the end. the injuries were almost forgotten, despite the pain. she almost felt like she was another person entirely, considering how astounding it was that she got to have this, got to deserve it. for now, fuck everything else. she would let herself be happy. and she did, as she finally drifted off into a slow sleep, her body relaxed on her back, knowing that, for once, she was completely safe.

bo-katan could not be sure of that last time that she had been held or even touched with such kindness. she did not allow herself this level of connection with someone, if she was going to be honest with herself. she wasn't even sure if she had a reason or if she simply just didn't know if she deserved it. but she let herself, for now, believe that she did. the armorer had always been someone that bo-katan had admired and respected. the woman had commanded countless mandalorians and held herself with a poise that bo was sure she would never possess herself. bo wasn't envious of it -- it was simply just a statement of truth. she was too rough around the edges, too outspoken to ever hold that description.

but for now, she did not care about how the world perceived her or the armorer. for now, they were two people locked in an embrace that she wanted to stay in forever. only one of bo-katan's arms went around the woman, keeping on the opposite side of her injury. even though she was on the opposite side of the growing bruise, bo-katan's touch was still light, still delicate upon the armorer's skin. it was still a struggle to think in some moments that had caused so much destruction and loss, and yet the armorer found comfort in her embrace, in the touch of hands that had caused so much harm. it made bo want to pull her in closer, to never let the woman leave her grasp. a heavy breath escaped her lips at the words spoken, eyes shutting. she would not forget this moment for as long as she lived, that much she was sure of. she would not forget the feeling of belonging so deeply to someone else.

gentle fingers moved along the skin of the armorer's back at the feeling of lips upon her neck. the small places their bodies touched, the small actions by the armorer, had her mind spinning. she wanted so desperately to never lose this connection. to never lose the feeling of someone wanting her, just as she wanted them. there was so much violence, so much loss, in the history of their people. for once, bo-katan knew what it was to experience peace. peace in the arms of someone that loved her.

" you don't have to thank me. " while it was true that bo-katan wouldn't do this for just anyone, she didn't know of a path that bo would have taken that didn't include saving the armorer and attempting to get her to safety. despite knowing who she was and knowing her past, she could not simply leave her there to die. " i know that you would do the same thing for me. " maybe she didn't know that for sure, but knowing now how the woman in her arms felt, she could not imagine the armorer leaving her to a horrible fate. not after all of this. even when bo first had met her with din, she was sure that even then, the woman would have at least tried to save her. she didn't seem like the kind of person to give up that easily.

" i'll stay. " bo-katan was exhausted. her body was stiff from sitting in the chair for so long, and she ached for just a few short hours of sleep. " i'll rest for a bit and then i need to go check on the others. " it was said with the intention that she would not simply fall asleep and rest for countless hours like she knew she inevitably would. she had told axe woves to help the others and keep things in order while she was gone, so in her mind, she could take a few hours to catch up on sleep she had been missing over the last day and a half. gentle hands moved around the armorer to touch her arms, pushing her just enough to guide her to lay down. bo took the time to turn slightly to lay down as well, laying on her side as she looked at the woman next to her.

" rest, cyar'ika. " the name slipped from her lips easily and without much thought. bo supported her head by bringing her arm beneath it, still looking at the armorer. " i'm glad that you're alright. " even if she said it already, she felt the need to say it again. she had been through so much with her during the recent past, and bo-katan knew that she would not be ruling mandalore if it were not for her. they would not have the numbers they did today, rebuilding their long destroyed planet. bringing a hand to the armorer's cheek, she brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. bo's hand rested there for a moment, her thumb brushing against the skin of her cheek.

" i'm sorry if i fall asleep, " she said, her voice gentle. " i'll try to stay awake for a while. " the sleep in her bones was settling in, and as much as she wanted to say that she would stay up to make sure that the woman next to her didn't need anything, she knew that she would fail at the task.

" is there anything i can do? " bo knew that there was not much she could say or do to help this situation -- all the armorer needed was time. and yet, bo-katan felt helpless. it was a strange feeling, to feel as if she needed to do anything and everything for the woman next to her. she could not place a time where she had ever felt anything like this, not even a fraction of this. there was some invisible force pulling her towards the armorer, and there had been since the beginning. " i can help you wrap your wounds later, if you want help. i may not be a medic, but i've wrapped my own share of injuries. "

[queerautism]

i dont think it was wrong of you to criticize it, but i do feel you were being too harsh about the smut thing. it really is not uncommon for minors to do that online, and its important to be firm but gentle when explaining why its wrong and could hurt them and others. like, harassing people and making up dangerous lies is NOT something a teen does because they "dont know any better", but being too open about their sexuality (not sexuality as in orientation ofc) online and posting nsfw works publicly is. a lot of teens dont understand the risks that come with that

i also dont think it helps to make that issue about sysmedicalism bc it doesnt really have anything to do with sysmed ideology other than the fact that its something one sysmed does that another accused you/criticized you for. i dont think it says much about the sysmed community as it does for specific people. Like yes def there are other legitimately hypocritical mindsets with sysmeds where they openly engage in and endorse behavior that they criticize from the other side, but that doesnt scream to me as an example of hypocrisy in the community. more a teenager doing something dumb, risky and somewhat insensitive.

i am *not* saying you cant be harsh about blurrysys' behavior towards you. it was shitty and any teenager is old enough to know better. i just think its important to not always conflate all sysmed interactions with each other, and to keep your anger limited to the issues that caused the anger and warrant it

i hope this makes sense? im not trying to be rude, to nitpick and criticize you for the sake of criticizing. im legit the same person who sent the long anons saying fuck being nice to sysmeds, so tone policing is far from something i have any interest in. i just wanted to share my feelings on this

No i get you, the hypocrisy thing is about what sysmeds will call out when they can use it against us, but will not even mention when it's one of them doing it.

Blurry-star-system was explained why it was wrong and dangerous, and how to do a readmore on mobile. It's not like I'm gonna keep bringing this up or hold it against them as long as it doesn't keep happening or whatever yknow

[hunkkeiths-blog]

So I just scrolled 20000 years back on your blog like the creep I am and I saw you mention schizophrenic Keith headcanons but never actually saw schizo Keith headcanons and I'm 👀👀👀

once again thank you so much for sending this! i really really love this au but i never talk about it bc i feel like no one cares and this makes me sooo happy!

also sorry again for answering late i just wanted to be able to type everything relatively quickly and use a readmore

(i added links that lead to wiki pages to explain what certain stuff is, you don’t need to click them or anything)

ok so here goes

[Food mentions and slight emeto for this part]

Keith has a lot of trouble with food, both bc of sensory issues and paranoia

when its sensory, its mostly if the texture is too different to whats hes used to, or if theres too much taste and theres anything else (a sound, some lights flashing, whatever) hell get overwhelmed really easily. so he tries to stick to relatively tasteless stuff

Keith also gets a lot of persecutory delusions and some of the most recurring ones is that his food has been poisoned, having relatively tasteless food helps with not being as convinced of that

On good days (well as good a day as you can have when you think your food has been poisoned anyway), he can sort of just power through it and eat enough to not be starving.

On bad days, he either doesn’t eat at all, or if he only realises it after having eaten he becomes sick/makes himself sick.

Back on Earth, especially during his year alone, he had 3-4 “trusted foods/brands” and he almost exclusively only ate those

Once on the ship, things get very complicated, because from the start, he doesn’t trust the altean food goo (he still doesn’t if he’s entirely honest, but they’ve all been eating it and none of them are dead yet so if it is poisoned its slow acting enough) so he mostly only eats when hes absolutely starving for the first month or so before he slowly starts to eat more of the altean meals

He does however trust what Hunk cooks partly because he trusts Hunk, partly because Hunk eats it too, and (taste+texture of the food goo aside) hes always more comfortable when Hunk cooks.

[Warning ended]

While developing and after when he had it (which was 2 or 3 years before he entered the Garrison), Keith ended up almost entirely isolated from people, in part because he would willingly withdraw from others, in part because the people who took care of him after his father left/died (foster families i guess? i dont really know how the system works and i cant imagine how much worse it must be for a schizophrenic kid so) didn’t really know what to do with him because he had really bad emotional blunting

Because he was mostly left alone, he started focusing alot on the delusions he had at the time, the main one of which was that he just wasnt human (which yes turned out to be somewhat true, but it’s still a delusion). that led him to thinking of going to space because of a feeling that something would happen there. which led him to the garrison which is how he ended up there.

At the Garrison, he was amazing at flying and mediocre at best in all his other classes.

This is partly because outside of doing stuff that could actually directly get him to space, he wasnt able to get any motivation to do anything else. (even if he gets kicked out, he can just steal a rocket or something right?)

he also didnt really have any friends because he didnt approach anyone and more or less actively avoided anyone trying to get close to him.

the way he just was; never showing any emotion, barely speaking, the weird things he sometimes did, etc; sort of drove ppl away on its own

(this is also sort of the reason he didnt remember him and lances “rivalry” in s1ep1. he never actually noticed lance thought of him as a rival, he just thought lance was sort of loud)

Shiro ended up like being a mentor or something to Keith, and Keith wasnt able to really avoid him

They start off sort of rocky, because Keith hates interacting with other people, due to paranoid thoughts (”he can read my mind”, “he wants to hurt me”, and so on) that, while they werent nearly as bad as off meds, were still present even with medication.

Slowly though, Keith warms up to Shiro and starts trusting him (though shiro is never really sure because Keith doesnt show it at all)

Keith starts doing better in all his classes, because he’s interpreted that shiro will be extremely disappointed in him if he ends up getting kicked out because of poor grades, and hes terrified of disappointing literally the only person in the world he trusts

It also leads to Keith putting a minimum of effort into becoming at least somewhat expressive 

When the kerberos mission fails, keith is destroyed. all his grades almost instantly drop and he barely shows up to class because losing the only person he trusts essentially makes him totally apathetic, and go back to having alot of paranoid thoughts/delusions (mostly surrounding the garrison staging the entire thing, sort of fake moon landing style but with actual murder to make people back off on exploring space because of Something), and feeling like he’s being stalked by people (not entirely untrue tbh), and deal with anhedonia. and thats how he gets kicked out/how he drops out 

Living entirely alone (as in without any supervision) was hell for Keith.

Moving to the shack after dropping out messed with his entire routine, and without a relatively strict routine, he ends up forgetting his meds

Off medication, he had really really really horrible episodes that almost always ended with him getting hurt in some way

Off-meds, he starts his garrison/shiro conspiracy wall

He also found the blue lions cave during an episode

After a while (keith never tries to find out how much time he spent without his meds because he forgot about them), he ends up taking his antipsychotics again, and almost destroys the wall, except theres a feeling he still has that he rememebers he had during an episode.

He ends up going to the cave again, and “Holy shit that was real??” so he restarts his wall while being a bit more down to Earth.

The day shiro crashes on earth is one of the best days of his life bc, well, shiro, but also because he was actually right for once.

Overall, Keith’s pretty good at organising his thoughts and not speaking incoherently, but if hes at all stressed, hell go through a lot of thought blocking

It’s really annoying because Keith hates not being understood and not finishing his points, but often, even if the person hes talking to reminds him what he was talking about, he cant remember what he was going to say after

He also used to think that the thought blocking was aliens and/or the government stealing away all his thoughts to study humans (or, before the garrison: not entirely human entities)

His thoughts are alot more disorganised than his speech shows (under normal circumstances, there are occasions where he does get mostly incoherent). He’s learned to think of what hes going to say step by step before saying it

What he says often still comes off as not entirely thought out, rude, etc because thinking about what order words are going to come out of his mouth doesnt fix not understanding how to interact with others

And here’s a bunch of stuff i couldn’t really make long enough to warrant a separate section:

Keith stims mostly when hes nervous or bored, and he stims by scratching his nails against things, because he likes the sounds it makes.

[self harm (sort of)] at some point, the team notices that when theres nothing for him to scratch (like a wall or something), hell scratch at his own skin, because scratching fabric feels/sounds horrible, often until he scratches part of it off. so they make him these little squares of material to scratch at

Keith does a lot of magical thinking (i cant find an easy link for this but in this case its like seeing signs in things that are seemingly unrelated if that makes sense) where he’ll see a ‘sign’ and feel like he has to do something (what something is varies from something very specific to just “something”)

since he obviously cant always do what hes supposed to do after seeing the signs, hes started writing down everything so he can do it later (lance’s idea). it helps a lot.

Keith hates places with background noises that arent constant (like they stop and start, stop and start), even if they arent particularly loud, because he loses his entire train of thought whenever it stops or starts

Ok! that’s all I can think of right now, I hope this answered what you were looking for! 

I lost my entire train of thought at least 5 times while typing this so I’ll probably add more things in my tag later on when I think of them again!

I’m also writing an actual story with this, it should come out around the end of June if you’re interested!