#i dont think i managed to collect Every Single Thought but it's getting late and i have work in the morning

[tubbytarchia]

j

IM LATE i was out with a friend... forgive me jimmy solidaritygaming....

SOMEONE STOLE A DISC FROM THE DISC WALL...... jimmys guess is eloise (apparently he knows exactly what disc is missing???)

he goes to get the disc but comes across martyn. whos building a one piece base? idk anything about one piece but its like... a white boat with a fish head on it.

THEYRE FIGHTING THE DRAGON TODAY!!! just jim and martyn. martyn gives jimmy some slow fall potions and they head off.... martyns already found the stronghold (but not looted it) so they know where theyre going.

jimmy does a water clutch off the disc and he. lands on top of some tall grass?? insane clutch

martyn collects some flowers and jimmys like "dude its crazy that youre collecting items like youre coming back" TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR martyn also doesnt fire back which is a little odd.... maybe he is nervous about dying

for some reason theyre travelling at night. theres so many skeletons.

they start talking about tiktok and. i really don't know what's going on here.

they talk about if they die what'll happen and they say they can have each others stuff which is cute i think.

they arrive!!! its quite far down its like... y-10. and its all split up by a dripstone cave which makes it look really cool but also hard to navigate.

they explore a bit and jimmy breaks a lot of blocks and it stresses me out. JIMMY NO!!!! THE SILVERFISH!!!! they get some good books some armour trims but nothing crazy.

they get lost trying to get back. martyn keeps pretending he knows where hes going and its really funny.

they get back to the portal and go through and theres a SILVERFISH ON THE OTHER SIDE

new effect when u blow up the end crystals.? but its only on jimmys screen and only the first one he did. looks cool though theres probably some lore reason we can make up

JIMMY GETS THE KILL!!!!! martyn ran out of arrows JUST before. he gets immediate payback by somehow managing to pick up every single xp orb. im not exaggerating jimmy picked up One (from 8 to 8) and martyn is level 68. for some reason the xp dropped as just a singular large orb.?.??? martyn apologises and offers to enchant jimmys stuff :') its cute....

they head back and jimmy puts the egg on his bookshelf. he says this base is one of his favourites that hes done in a while!!!

jimmy and martyn meet back up and jimmy shows him the disc wall. martyns reaction is really funny "oh we love a waterfall entrance-OH MY GOD" martyn is largely unbothered by jimmy stealing his stuff.

they go over to eloises base together. eloises base floor is a pattern involving chiseled bookshelves. martyn accidentally breaks one and is confused when it doesnt drop. they proceed to break like 5 before realising they dont drop. they then joke about her hiding her disc under all the shelves so they break all of them. they arent expensive to craft or anything but... why......

jimmy goes off topic and asks martyn his thoughts on shepherd's pie. when martyn says hes not a big fan jimmy goes dead silent. he puts on his radio voice and goes "thats the day they stopped being friends. its crazy a little thing like that broke the love/law" (I CANT TELL WHICH ONE HE SAID. I THINK? LOVE. 1:03:50 SOMEONE HELP ME.)

there's a wandering trader and martyns like i cant even repeat what hes selling. and jimmys like whats he selling?? so martyns like "hes selling crack cocaine. cant believe it." i think this is the closest ive seen to genuine bewilderment on jimmys face. he goes through like 5 expressions in a second. he then checks the trades to prove to his chat that hes not selling it???? strangest bit of the stream but its funny

martyn comes over to jimmys base to enchant for him and jimmy gives him everything (all armour + sword and pick) at once and its a big display of trust.... i love them a lot

martyn doesnt like mess around and he does properly enchant all of jimmys stuff. its all very sweet to me then jimmy decides to say "bring it home papa" and. Okay

they split up (jim offers to stay with martyn but martyn sends him off since hes worried that he himself will not make good company while building) and jim goes to fish for a nametag again.

there may or may not be a stream break soon since he was talking about how he really didnt feel like streaming today and offhandedly said he needs a bit of a rest ^_^

new roblox video tomorrow and some next week too. with katherine!

HE GOT HIS NAMETAG!!!!! he forgot what he had planned to name it but he ends up naming him HONK

stream ends shorter than usual wooooooooo

Oh my goodddd the property police.... "it's crazy that you're collecting items like you're coming back" so uncalled for?? Why did he say this... Is he expecting Martyn not to come back... Because he fears that Martyn would die or that Martyn would just choose not to... Oh the Evo demons are getting me. Them saying the other can have their stuff if one dies and Martyn pretending to know his way is such property police banter mannnn. Offering to enchant stuff for him and not being bothered by Jimmy stealing from him... The exaggerated break up joke...

Something especially about Jimmy taking off all of his gear at once for Martyn to enchant. Big display of trust as you said... the maid demons are getting me now. And Martyn not fooling around here nor in any of the earlier instances to any notable degree?? Feels odd... I feel like he would at least a little... Something melancholy to me about the fact that he didn't. Sweet but melancholy. Banter between these two has usually gone both ways in the past to at least some degree (Not just Jimmy being picked on). I would scoff at the papa comment but. I can't, papa is too cutesy lol I'll let Jimmy get away with that one. The split up feels weirdly melancholic too even just from reading about it. Mmgh something about all the property police stuff this time around is making me feel so many vaguely sad emotions :( Feels so nostalgic too though... I really need to watch this part of the stream sometime. Especially cause these two are funny together. Finally jokes that I can chuckle at that aren't just "lol sex!!"

At least he finally got the nametag.... Honk...

[bogkeep]

i wanted to write another blog post about my relationship to Stories again, and this time i'm revisiting the topic of Shipping. it's not the first time i have written about my relationship to it, and it PROBABLY won't be the last, but maybe i say something i haven't said before, hey? and don't worry, this isn't about The Discourse. or not that discourse, anyway. this is more about how i went from a bitter aroace "I HATE SHIPPING" kid to creating elaborate relationship dodecahedrons with my own characters for fun and personal fulfillment. this one was actually pretty hard to write and also pretty personal, so i'm readmore'ing it!

i've changed, the internet's changed, of course my feelings about it have changed over the years. i had a lot of stuff to work out and i still probably have! sometimes it feels like i'm just shoveling shame from one side to the other. why do i have so much shame i'm not even catholic!!!! so back when baby haiz found out he's aroace, it was still very niche. i think awareness about asexuality was juuust starting to pick up on tumblr, aromanticism was still thought of as a subgroup of asexuality rather than an identity in its own right, and the worst discourse going around was people denying its existence and making amoeba jokes. simpler times. i was a fresh fledgling aroace who didn't know i was autistic yet, i was a teen, i found anything sexual DEEPLY uncomfortable and was wrestling with that in a heavily sexualized society and also high school where everyone is making dumb sex jokes and trying to trip you over with stupid innuendos, and i was STARVING for any kind of acknowledgement that i'm Valid. i was so very very lonely about it! i'm still mutuals with the first irl ace person i met, and i think i went several years between picking up that identity and sharing a ticket booth at the convention we volunteered at. shipping culture at that time had a completely different vibe, too. the attitude was like, if you're not shipping anything, why are you even bothering with media? how do you have FUN? (i didn't like drinking or partying either, so i was already pretty familiar with that attitude). people would deliberately put on their shipping goggles and my feed would be full of analysis about THESE TWO CHARACTERS ARE SUPER DEFINITELY IN LOVE LOOK AT THIS 0,2 SECONDS WHERE THEIR EYES MEET. OH MY GOSH THEY HUGGED!! of course that rubbed me the wrong way - i had spent years trying to explain to my classmates that nO, my best friend and i AREN'T A COUPLE, STOP READING INTO IT!!!! and then i would log on and everyone would keep reading romantic intent into every single character interaction. it drove me up a wall. i was already so anxious about saying something that could be taken as innuendo in some way, and then i ALSO had to worry about how anything could be read as romantic? exhausting. and yes, NOW i know that's not the worst thing that can happen. people will assume wrongly all the time and sometimes there's nothing to do but accept that i can't control how other people percieve me. suffice it to say i used to be really really uptight about the whole shipping deal, haha. even worse when i latched on to pretty much any vaguely ace-coded character (yes yes i joined tumblr because of bbc sherlock leave me alone) and had to make peace with the fact that thousands of other people were extremely insistent that these characters were actually super gay and super sexual. which is silly in retrospect - those characters were never confirmed to be canonically ace or gay (or both!), so there would be all that fighting about what headcanon is the best representation. that's not how headcanons work!!!! it sucked when you just, really crave a depiction of a close friendship that never turns romantic - and no, not just the queerbaity bromance ones, at the time i would've killed for a girl/boy friendship that got to stay that way. it really pains me to admit to just how much i relate to all the "why can't they just stay friends" guys. i don't have that attitude anymore, but it was never because i didn't want canon queer relationships on tv, it was never because i thought there was already lots of gay representation, i knew there wasn't. but it was so lonely and disheartening that every single time i could relate to anyone on a screen, every other watcher would go "oh yeah those guys are totally fucking". i know!! we were fighting over the same breadcrumbs!!! we all wanted different things from the same show and NONE of us got what we wanted! it was such a stupid thing to clash over!!! it was so hard to explain the othering and the loneliness and the absolute dismissal i felt as an aroace person in a world that put romance on a

pedestal above everything else - even before the acecourse took a turn for the worse. i don't really want to go into details about it, as it was frankly traumatizing to me. but there was something about the way people would act as if real people's actual identities were good or bad representaiton in some way, as if we were all characters in a tv show - and being ace was bad representation. somehow. it was cringy and reflected badly upon the rest of the "community". i hate hate hate how ashamed i became of my own identity and myself. i hate how much i would just accept my own friends trashing a core part of my identity right in front of me, and felt too wounded and vulnerable to take a proper stance. i can't say i handled everything perfectly or even gracefully - that i've never had stances or said things i now regret - but i was a teen still trying to figure out how to be myself. i suppose the same goes for everyone i knew at the time. i think something about being 19 sets you on fire and you're just burning a lot of anger out before you lay back in a bed of ashes. or maybe that's just me. i don't think i've ever stopped being aroace. there is no point in my life where i woke up and thought, i'm a different person now. yes, i'm different than who i used to be, but what's turned the wheels inside me is the experienced i've had that i didn't have before. even stubbornly aromantic and asexual i still craved companionship, or at least, to try it, figure out what the big deal is. i'm still very happy i got to try it out with my first girlfriend (and now my close friend). it was a lovely time, and i don't think either of us did any of it 'wrong' - but i really did pressure myself into being someone i'm not capable of being. i got crushed under the weight i piled on top of myself. even with all the acceptance i was given for my identity, even with all the ground rules figured out on day one, i was still so ashamed of not feeling things the 'right way'. and with the horrible acecourse dangling the carrot in front of me, that i was only allowed to Belong as long as i was a REAL gay, it wasn't helping, you know? (sidenote that isn't really relevant to the topic, but one thing i DO regret is how public i was about my relationship. i mean it's no wonder, it was very exciting and it was fun, but it very quickly became less fun when people would comment things like "omg u two are relationship goals" or "i'm going to live vicariously through you". it's already so incredibly hard to break up with someone you do actually love and care about, and even harder when other people take it as some kind of personal offense or make all kinds of wild assumptions about it. sometimes things just aren't working as they are! it's nobody's business but ours either way!) i'm still in relationships. i've had brushes with crushes. i don't really care to put a word on what my exact identity is anymore, it just is what it is. i'm definitely somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. i'm non-monogamous. i'm definitely asexual - i've had to reclaim my own identity from the claws of shame and discourse, all the while i've reclaimed my own personal sexuality from years of being turned into 'sweet innocent cinnamon roll, too pure for this earth' by my peers in the past. do you know how humiliating it is to be in your mid-twenties and still struggle with this stuff?? so often i have to remind myself i'm an adult, it's NORMAL and OKAY. and like, it's nobody's fault that i'm Like This. i'm not gonna blame high schoolers for my weird brain prison. for all my bitterness, i don't hold anything against people in my past. we were all messy. that's just what being a teen was like. what i have really really done is this. for one, i accepted that the way i'm going to do relationships is never going to be the "normal" way, and there's no point in trying to, or forcing myself through motions that goes against my grain. for second, in doing so i've just... dismantled and deconstructed what a 'relationship' is. you take all the pieces apart, keep the ones that make sense to

you, and reassemble it to a new structure. it might not even be that different from what you started with! maybe you just delete all the bloatware. here's the big thing. at the very core of it, all interpersonal relationships are the same. it's a Connection To Another Person. so many mechanics are the same. circumstances differ - family member, coworker, friend, acquaintance, romantic partner, sexual partner - of course these aren't the same, but also, no familial relationships are the same, all of your friends will mean different things to you.. i don't know, we all exist in this huge world and there's so many people, and we create so many bonds. there is so much overlap. maybe a marriage doesn't depend entirely on whatever tingly feeling you get from being in love. a sexual partner can be a stranger or a friend, not just your One True Love. where does the line between really really loving your best friend and being in love with your best friend go? for all the attention the concept of a 'romantic partner' is given in our society, i think it's a thinner slice on the pie chart than what 'friend' might be. do you know how MANY different kinds of friendship that one category has to make room for? i don't know, either. and i think there's a huge slice that exists between 'friend' and 'romantic/sexual partner' that just... there is no language for it (or when people do try to find language for it, there is so much backlash), most of the time, or gets placed in a category that's easy to explain to others. it's like... the expected structure buckles under all the variety of love and connection we actually experience in our life. am i making any sense? i think my main problem with Shipping was this - the flattening. for the longest time, it seemed to me as if you Shipped two characters, you had to put them in the same mold as every other Couple. it didn't matter what their dynamic was in canon, if you shipped them you'd just slap them onto the pre-made relationship dynamic you already had lying around. i KNOW that's not universal. nor do i have anything against the vocabulary of shipping - it's very useful and it's important fandom culture. but as that culture has evolved, i do think there's this kind of dissonance, where Shipping A Thing might mean A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS FOR A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE. everything from "to me these two are soulmates and they love and respect eachother so much across every timeline" to "yeah they tried to kill eachother several times and they're both awful wrecks but it's hot" to "these two are extremely divorced" to "person A pines for person B endlessly and they never end up together" and a million other dynamics and outcomes. between you and me, i think a lot of shipping wank happens because the term 'shipping', like a lot of other terms, can have such broad meaning. hard to be on the same page when you're reading different books! there are SO MANY STORIES TO TELL!!!! and i LIKE stories. interpersonal relationships are incredibly fun to explore. and yes, i have over the years finally managed to make peace with Ships - it was difficult because i never wanted to be a hypocrite (sometimes you are a hypocrite!! it happens when you change your opinion about something! it's fine!), but i finally accepted that i Did in fact ship some things. it was also a lot easier when it didn't feel so mandatory, when i could ship things out of my own volition rather than "how else are you having fun". when i can delight in a specific dynamic rather than Standard Relationship. but for me it's also like, the Story. now that i'm focusing so much on my own characters i am having a Fantastic Time exploring rejections and pining and weird friendships and awkward family. i don't care if it's Good or Bad representation, because that was never the point. people experience things, people change, people grow close and grow apart, the boundaries one draws, the reclaiming of the self, the holding of a hand, the holding of a heart. you know? i used to groan at the Mandatory Romantic Relationship in every story, but

now it's like, yeah okay, sell me on it. give me something interesting. tell me how it happens. because i think a lot of these feelings, a lot of these experiences, they aren't exclusive to any one identity, or any one type of relationship. if you ship for the sake of shipping because that's how you have fun, by all means! have fun. here's a fibre cloth for your glasses. my way of reading things isn't Better or More Sophisticated. it's just how i prefer to read my stories and watch my shows. i'm having a much better time now that i've grown up a fair bit, relaxed a whole lot. i don't even entirely know what "my way" is. i just deconstructed a whole lot of words and concepts and im poking at the debris. as you do.

[aricharmm]

heavy rain

just finished watching a playthrough of heavy rain (yes im 12 years late to the party shush) and uurgghhhHH it upsets me how good the concept is but how POORLY IT WAS EXECUTED?>@?!#?> spoilers under the cut for basically the entire plot

i really dont mind when writers use the "unreliable narrator" thing especially for whodunnit stories because yknow. it keeps you on your toes and the thought of the writer having that much control over how you perceive their story is reaaally cool. and i think in the case of heavy rain its really cool how they only show scott's actions as a private eye when you're playing as him because it genuinely seems like he's yknow... actually a private investigator hired by the victims families. he's funny, witty, caring towards others, and in general i was naturally drawn to him since the story portrays him in such a good light for the majority of the story. i wouldve never suspected he was the killer if not for that one scene where he's extremely reluctant to cross check the names between the typewriter repair customers and origami magazine subscribers.

i just think they missed a few opportunities to create some foreshadowing so his character doesnt feel so... incomplete? when its finally revealed that hes the killer it doesnt really feel natural. like there werent any clues beforehand to make you think, "oh my god that changes everything!! it all makes sense now!!" instead i was left feeling like things werent really adding up, there were so many holes in the story that were ignored for convenience.

the idea of scott's character in general is so good but i feel like they either should've given more hints in his internal dialogue earlier in the game about his true nature (why is a serial killer like him so compassionate towards people, especially that guy from the convenience store who clearly failed scott's trials? i thought the idea of a father being unable to save his son was his motive for killing?) or cleaned up the little details about him in general towards the end.

for example, why was he so unbothered and detached when he and lauren visit john's grave yet later he gets emotional when john's death just briefly crosses his mind? how did he not have any strong reaction to hearing the gravekeeper recall in detail how john died? how did scott keep track of ethan's progress and validity during the trials when he was busy collecting evidence, especially with lauren around? how did scott keep track of ethan's blackouts in order to leave the lil origami guys in his hand? how come scott's athsma never becomes a problem during the more lengthy fight scenes towards the end? how in the hell did he manage to defend himself against like a dozen bodyguards just kinda. briskly walking around the mansion?? with way too much ammo than that tiny little revolver should be able to hold?

i think if heavy rain took a little more time exploring every single possible plot hole in its story i would call it one of my favourite story games. it really bothers me how much potential it had because i think its story deserves to be fully developed. im barely scratching the surface too, there are plenty of plot holes surrounding madison and ethan too (and norman wasnt really that interesting for me to strongly pay attention to so i cant say much about him.) its just that scott was ultimately my favourite character in the game and its so upsetting how incomplete his story feels </3

regardless i loved heavy rain (despite its annoying storytelling) and i wanna try to watch all the endings now, ive only seen two so far!!! its a really great game if you dont think about it too hard :D

[onf-headcanons]

ONF and their high maintenance S/O (mostly about makeups and manicures)

dislcaimer : I dont support the mentality of aegyoing/manipulating/sabotaging your partner to buy you stuffs. Gifts are gifts but its not their are not full responsibility. It is also not a duty/obligation for your partner to recognize delicate makeup product when they can't and buy you your makeup product as well.

What i am saying even though here is that bf gifting lipsticks it does not mean guys should do it and also does not mean that if your own bf could not do it then they dont love you. ok let go to hcs.

Hyojin

I think he will ask you to drop the heavy makeup after you two are comfortable with each other. To him it was not your makeup that impressed him to date you.

He is the type that "I don't get make up but ok you look good" type of person, I mean have you watched how he get ready to go out in the Berlin trip? He just do basic stuffs not even a delicate touch XD

I think because he has a sister back at home? But if you think he will at least know a bit of stuffs because he has a sister then you are wrong lol

But he does understand if you wanna doll up a bit. I think he personally appreciates those times when he caught himself felt that you are dazzling.

I think its cute that maybe you only do basic light make up when going out with him but then when you join him with his friends, you wanna look good so you will put on proper make up (not over heavy ones). But Hyojin be like , " oh, come on... Its just my friends XD"

He is the type that waits for you, unless you have really bad time management, he will come over to rush you. "Hey hey hey, we are gonna be late"

Does not interested at make up or beauty stuffs so he would always questions with curiosity when he saw stuffs like.. " Glue? for what? Eyelashes? Won't it be dangerous?" (Especially you are the type that watches make up vids)

Bonus, you are in charge of his skin care, most of the time.

another bonus, the type that laughs at you if you are the type that opens your mouth when you are drawing eyeline

Changyoon

Very similar to Hyojin so I will skip make up and focus on the nail polish

(Also expanding the Changyoon who loves your hand hcs)

He knows of nail polish and the basic stuffs like base, polish and top, but did not pay full attention on manicure and pedicure stuffs

So when the first time you brought out mini UV light to cure your nails, he goes " Woah they got stuffs like that? why no one told me? I spend minutes blowing at my nails to dry during BB era"

Bonus if you work in nail salon or pick up manicure as hobby, i think you might share a bit of design you found online and ask him his opinions. His will comment a bit.

Also you might grasp his hands and try out newly thought designs on his hands

Bonus if he blushes and burst into laughter until you jokingly snap at him, "Ya, its not the first time I do design test out using your hands? Why are you beet red?"

To go deep into his mentality, he does not hate make up, he gets it. But for manicure he acknowledges it as art expression of oneself as well.

I think he prefer short nail manicure, once you get a longer sharper designs and you cant do your task like how you did normally, Changyoon nags you.

Also Changyoon thoughts on fake nail stickers, "Super convenient!"

He would love to try do your manicures if he got the chance. Not just painting plain color, he might also try following designs that your show him.

Seungjun

He is a delicate boy hahahah (watch leaders Berlin trip then you will get it)

Not the type that can recognize different shades of lipstick or foundation, but he still have basic knowledge. I do see is the type that will keep in mind what color you uses and will present you your favorite lipstick color. Or even randomly choose 1 color that he thinks it might look good on you.

I think you two will stand side by side in front of mirror and do make up and help each other check a bit. Especially eye shadow color, and hairstyles (if it is outdoor date day)

The type that notices changes on you but will tease you by keep saying the wrong answers. "Hey you look different? Is it the eyeshadow? Or was it a new earring? eh I was wrong?*devilsh smile"

He has two sisters so he is used and knows that girls and high maintenance people wears makeup. BB cream at least.

Fascinated when he first time sees you do your own manicure, he saw Changyoon paint nails during BB era, but if it is his first time seeing you painting quite complicated nail design from scratch, he goes "OOOOOOH so thats is how it done? 0A0"

I think he might introduce his sisters to you if you are a makeup artist or if you work at nail salon

Bonus if you are the type that do really minimum skin care, because of his (idk if i am using the right word) eagerness of doing facial mask, you might pick that up too lol

Both of you having facial mask on and chilling on the couch watching TV

another bonus, you two bickering because either one of you made the other one laugh too much making the mask cracked if it is dried up cream type.

Jaeyoung

He is like a combination of Hyojin and Seungjun?

Not sure on his skin care stuff but he will do basic stuff and I think he focus on stylizing his hair more? (but unlike Seungjun, Jaeyoung is more on styling using wax and hairspray)

the type who cant tell difference in lipstick shade lol

He thinks light makeup with less procedure/product look good on you. Especially if you are the one who is super insecure and wakes up super early to do heavy but natural looking makeup before work

Owh special mention, natural shade/nude shade themed makeup is his favourite

He has high respect on people who are high maintenance, but if you are too over enthusiastic he will tell you to slow down and go light heart on it, "Its to boost confidence/feel good about yourself right? Its not to impress others by overdoing it right?"

If you are a tiktok-er. I think you might ask Jaeyoung to do the my boyfriend did my make up challenge (To add, you cant trust Hyojin and Seungjun on this cos high chance if their prank mode kick in, rip. Changyoon will do it tho but you need to persuade him. Jaeyoung and Minkyun are the easiest to ask)

If sometimes Jaeyoung caught seeing you watching manicure design vids or you happened to try out a new manicure design from tutorial you saw online, he will sit beside, try hard to not disturb you. But while watching he will goes "Uwa, Shingi hada/ this is intriguing/amazing." (Try watch Mini game heaven season 2 0316, when he is the one holding the word board, the face he make as he is watching the leaders appeared in my head when writing this lol)

bonus, if you are doing really intricate work like placing a small sticker or draw a small design or sticking a small trinket? on your nails, Jaeyoung will also focus with you by holding his breath as he watches you doing your tasks

Minkyun

You trusted this boy to do BF do my makeup challenge and you regret it soon after, but the view results are amazing lol

but i think their S/O might lowkey get trauma lol and always decline Minkyun offer to help do makeup hahah

But again, when he do try to do it properly, he is ok

bonus, you two had to get another mirror because Minkyun is standing in front yours to check himself out every time he styles his hair a single bit, and it delays your pace of doing your make up.

Appreciate effort of you wanna look good, also he is the type who sits behind S/O while waiting them to finish up makeup (others will wait outside, But Minkyun is the type I want see whole process of how their S/O "transform")

Also the one who will sit beside you as you do your own manicure, or, the bf who will sit beside their S/O at nail salon watching the whole process.

But his hands are busy as he is also curious, so he will reach out to check the nail polish bottle or even the UV cure machine

So, he is also the type that will follow you into Sephora or makeup selling shops (is not that the others wont follow, but I want to highlight specifically for Minkyun). Hands busy, checking out stuffs.

Unlike Seungjun, the type that really cant tell if you change new lipstick or switched new eyeshadow.

BUT I THINK THIS PERSON, HE WILL SUDDENLY DROP A NEON EYESHAOW OUT OF BLUE IN FRONT OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE PAYING. You are gonna fluster if you are not the type who do daring colors. Minkyun only giggles and say " You wont know if you don't like it if you try?"

the funny bit, its not even him paying when he wants you to try lol

He is more of skincare type person. Similar to Seungjun, both of you cuddling with sheet masks on.

Yuto

The one who sticks to basic stuffs, skincare mostly

Also the type who will try to do makeup challenge diligently, asking you how should he do it rather than making a mess on your face.

The type that gives you thumbs up and affirming nods when you ask him how do you look.

He won't comment too much or nags/persuade you to stop doing heavy makeup eventually because he respects effort and confidence boost behind your makeup/high maintenance mentality

But he is flustered when you suddenly did a "I did a instagram summer gal makeup and show my bf" (for example) as it was way different and you look different. The moment you suggest to make this makeup theme as your usual, YUTO PANICKED, "Stop, stop, Mon sori yo? / What did you just say?"

IF you are office worker, he will nag at you if you are thinking straight to wear that makeup to office lol

The type that just quietly follows behind you when you are doing your shopping tour at Sephora or makeup shop.

But he will stop you if he sees your eyes gleaming as you stand at lipsticks corner lol (If you are the type who loves to collect and have too much lipsticks)

Occasionally surprise you with your fave lipstick color as well. Especially on early days of the relationship, you think he is the type that does not care. But turns out he is observant (because it is you so he is observant at your favorite stuffs)

Owh... i think he will be the perfume sensitive type person? He will mention what type of fragrance that he think you will go along well with.

Also I think the type who will recognizes if you changed perfume. Also the type who recognizes if you used his.

He might ask you to try on a sample and then you two might get a couple lover perfume/fragrance.

A/n : finally T^T this draft is in draft for like what... 6 months??? T^T

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Imagine:

Reader working in retail dealing with a rude customer and Erik is a regular who steps in to put the customer in their place.

“Who the fuck is the manager for this place?”

An angry white woman with thin brunette hair wearing a floral blouse with navy blue slacks marches into a thrift record and book store located in Soho. She had an old record in her hand; a Hall and Oates classic. Looking around with beady angry eyes, she presses her thin chapped lips into a hard line.

“Hellloooo?!!! I said who is the got damn manager of this dump?!!”

Y/N, the manager in question, was ringing up a few customers, wishing them a good day before closing her register. She heard the loud woman loud and clear. Y/N had dealt with this same woman and her daughter on plenty of occasions but they still decided to show their faces. If you had a problem with the thrift store why continue to come back? She wasn’t going to entertain them today.

“Y/N, you want me to call the police?” Y/N’s cousin, Layla, came into the thrifted shop to help every now and then.

“No, it’s cool. I can deal with it. Just get the bat ready just in case I gotta crack some skulls open.”

Clearly, the woman and her daughter didn’t know who they were messing with. Y/N is skilled in jujitsu and she could swing a bat at your ass like you were a baseball. She had to do that to some drunk man one evening who thought he would come in and rob her.

“How about that African stick that Erik got for you? The Nguni stick?”

A sly smirk slid across her face at the mention of his name. Erik Stevens was a regular of hers at the thrift shop. He would come to see her almost every night since he lived in a fancy condo in Soho, Manhattan. Layla was convinced that Erik had a huge crush on Y/N but a man like him couldn’t crush on Y/N. He was gorgeous. Full head of short moisturized dreads, fresh shape up, smelling like coco butter and mango butter, skin smooth and blemish free minus the smooth cemetrical scars on his arms. Manicured nails, white teeth, smooth moisturized lips, muscles everywhere, a deep raspy voice with an allure that has her weak in the knees. Y/N could talk about Erik all damn day and swoon.

“Yeah, bring out the Nguni.”

Y/N adjusted her skater skirt before walking around the register to approach the angry white woman. Her daughter was just behind her with arms folded and a scowl on her face. Let the bitch try something. They were just jealous because Y/N made more profit than they did at that musty ass boutique they owned. Hating ass bitches.

“Can I help you?!” Y/N approached with obvious annoyance.

“I want a fucking refund!!” The woman shook the record in Y/N’s face with rage.

“This piece of shit won’t play!!! You gave me a fucked up record and I want my damn money back.”

“Non-refundable.” Y/N cut the woman off sharply.

“Excuse me?” The daughter decides th speak up now.

“I SAID. Non-refundable. Now can y’all please leave my fucking store this is a regular thing with y’all two.”

Both of their faces grew red like a beet. Y/N was ready to handle their ass if they tried anything.

“See, what kind of owner tells their customer that? You are supposed to be selling good quality items at a thrifted price and you can’t even do that?” The woman expected her words to cut deep but they didn’t.

“Sounds like hate to me. Now it’s time for y’all to go and don’t come back I’m sick of seeing y’all face. Y’all supposed to be running a boutique, right? Ain’t making no money coming up in here with all that bullshit.”

At that point, both the woman and her daughter walked closer like they wanted to do something. Layla walks around the counter, Nguni stick in hand. Luckily there were no other customers in sight. Too late, the door opens and in walks Erik Stevens dressed in an oversized denim jacket, white t-shirt, black cargo pants, and some black timbs. The smile on his face faded once he saw the angry glare on Y/N’s beautiful face.

“Y/N, what’s going on, baby girl?” Erik steps forward, shoulders squared. The sound of his voice made Y/N’s heart melt. She looked up at him, eyes softer now and eyelashes batting like an innocent girl.

“Don’t worry yourself handsome, they’ll be gone real soon.”

The woman looked over her shoulder at Erik, looking him up and down with disgust. Erik was used to that look and it wasn’t about to faze him at all.

“Got a problem with your eyes?” He says while taking his place next to Y/N.

“Are you her husband or something?” The daughter asks with interest. She was loving the sight of Erik and it made Y/N want to gag.

“Dont worry about all that. What’s the problem?” Erik folds his toned arms across his chest, legs in a wide stance.

“I want my money back that’s what,” the woman points to the record angrily again, “it won’t play! She’s selling items that are damaged! I need my money now or I’m not leaving.”

“Oh, you’re leaving. Now.” Erik says with a predatory voice. The woman and her daughter slightly jump at the change in tone. No longer was it smooth and hypnotic. It was dangerous and scary.

“Andrea, call your father,” the woman asks in a hurry.

“Bring your husband and watch I toss his ass out of here.” Erik laughs.

“ARE YOU THREATENING MY HUSBAND?!!” At this point the woman was beyond distraught. She looked like she wanted to cry. What did she think she was coming in here to get her way? It doesn’t work like that.

“You, your husband, your daughter,” Y/N says with a sly smirk, “step foot in here again and see what happens.”

“Free country!” The daughter, Andrea, yells over her mothers shoulder, a pinched look on her face and her chin held high like she was something.

“Layla, pass me my stick,” Y/N reached for the stick, grabbing it in hand to show them that she wasn’t all talk. She meant business.

“Look, she’s gonna use her stick. Do that and we’ll call the police.”

“Nothing new with y’all people anyway. Why don’t y’all just get the fuck out?! You don’t want Y/N and Layla to put hands on y’all, right?” Erik was just as fed up with the shit. Even in this moment Y/N was extremely turned on.

This was going on long enough. Y/N could tell that the woman and her daughter were loosing it, realizing that they weren’t going to get their way with this.

“Well? I don’t see y’all moving.” Erik barks out. The door to the shop opens and a stout man with grey receding hair and a mustache that reminded you of the end of a broom steps forward with his fists balled like he was about to do something.

“What the hell is the problem!!!” He yells. He sounded like a sailor. A fucking Popeye.

“Nothing, dear, go back to the shop.”

“Oh, there is a problem. Andrea texts me about coming here because some man is making threats to my family! My brother is a detective he will have you arrested, pal!”

He wagged his finger at Erik who stood there with a wide grin.

“Go ahead, super Mario looking mother fucker. Shit don’t faze me. All I’m saying is, your salty ass wife and daughter need to bounce. This ain’t their place, they are trespassing.”

Erik Shrugs, “so what’s it gonna be? Cuz y’all getting too comfortable.”

The woman and her husband share looks while Andrea watches from the door with a sour expression.

“...Becky, lets go.”

The mention of her name made Y/N laugh. Erik had to nudge her shoulder to stop her before he broke out into a fit. He needed to keep it serious if these people were to leave. Finally.

“No! No Robert!” She was on the verge of tears.

“Becky...we have to close up shop. Plus, let’s not get involved with these types of people. You don’t know what they are capable of. One of them has a damn stick dont be surprised if they don’t have a gun.”

His words cut deeply. He knew what he was doing saying that. Erik’s eyes squinted at the man, his jaw clenched tightly. He was trying his hardest to keep his cool after that purposeful comment. He wanted to provoke them so they could give him a reason to call the police or continue to stereotype them.

“FINE!!!” She throws the record down, the sound of it breaking catching all of their attention. Without a care, she turns, pushing past Robert and her daughter to leave. Robert gives Erik and the others one final look before leaving himself, stepping on the record with a stomp before exiting. Layla, Erik, and Y/N watch the doors close, all of them collectively sighing before shaking their heads.

“Some bullshit,” Layla says, “makes me wanna follow them and beat their ass.

“AINT worth it, shorty,” Erik says with an exhausting voice, “they gone, let them go back to that funky ass store and continue to hate on Y/N.”

Erik pulls Y/N in for a tight hug, “I don’t play with that shit. Fucking with my girl like that. Mad she flexing on y’all.”

Y/N allowed herself to smell Erik. He smelled just as tantalizing as he always did. He was so warm and big, big in a protective way. She loved the fact that she could feel every single muscle through his thick layer of clothes. His lips pressed into her forehead.

“You knew I had to stop by before I headed home, girl,” Erik pulls away from her, looking from the stick he gifted her to her pretty face. He never got the courage to ask her on a date but Erik knew she was feeling him just as much as he was.

“I was wondering when you would come by,” she looks away shyly, “thanks for sticking up for me, you didn’t have to.”

“What I just say?” Erik arches a single brow. Y/N licks her lips nervously.

“You hear me talking to you?” He grabs both sides of her face, making her look up at him.

“No body. Messes with. My girl.”

His words cut deeply like a sharp knife. She could feel it sinking deeply within her veins. His girl. That’s what he referred to her as.

“Okay...” she was being timid. Erik laughs, his hands on her waist.

“You got them books I wanted? The Malcom X ones?”

Y/N knew Erik could buy them online but he wanted to be near her. She fought to squeal about that.

“Yeah, I saved them just for you.”

“Good, show me.”

[asimplemercenary]

Meeting Them.

Nova meets her favorite ranked team.

"Shyness" was a word that described what Nova felt. She wasn't immune to it, not immune to the embarrassment of approaching the signing table where all 5 of them sat. The chitter chatter and laughter spouting from the group mortified her in secrecy.

Were they laughing at her? What jokes were they telling to one another? Shyness. It sank to the bottom of her stomach like a rock in the sea as she swallowed thick.

"It's just a turfing team, Nova." She reasoned in her head. "You have killed countless others, seen horrors no one can imagine. Chewed up and spat out by the machine of war. Why are you being like this"

She stood out like a sore thumb among the group of 15 or so people in line, her immense height wasn't doing her any favors. But as she boiled in her brain, the line began moving, signatures and pictures taken like no man's business. Her turn was coming up quick, and she didn't even realize.

Not until a sharp lisp cut through the air "hey! You! Itsch your turn!"

Nova's heart almost jumped out of her chest. Oh no, were they speaking to her? She looked around, and realized that everyone in front of her was gone.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." Her face flared a cyan tinge, she could feel her ears burning up as she stared almost shell-shocked at the voice enticing her.

To say that her obsession wasn't bordering on a fanatic crush is a disservice to her passion for the group. "Uh." Spoke the tallest of the 5, their black tendrils so effortlessly resting over the side of their face, red eyes looking down at the leader of the group. "I feel they might be scared."

"What, seriously?? She looks so tough" responded the second tallest, affixing the front of their black beanie. "She looks like she's seen wars."

"Uhm...maybe one of us should...uhm, approach her...?" Spoke the shortest if the 5, her voice soft, heart shaped pupils staring pitifully at Nova.

"Hey you like scared or somethin'?? We're not gonna bite!" The bowl cut seemed to almost shimmer in perfectly cut excellence as he spoke. "C'mon my mom is gonna be wonderin' why I'm late!"

"Stop, everyone. Juscht---SHUT UP OKAY JESCHUS." spoke the leader of the pack. "You're embarrasching her in front of everyone scho juscht....stop. okay? You."

Nova was in shock the entire time, her eye peeked over her branded notebook that contained a bunch of pictures she'd taken herself of the few ranked battles she'd been able to witness.

Now she had HER calling her? Her heart was doing a hundred in a 60 mph zone. "...yes?" She responded sheepishly, her face dense with blush.

"We won't bite! C'mon! Whatsch your name?" The leader asked.

"N....Nova."

"Nova, huh?" The leader gave a big, crooked smile, the jagged beak reminded Nova of her own, and she would be lying if it didn't make her heart melt ever so slightly.

"You probably know who we are though! Leascht you look like you do....I'm Woomy. Well, my name isch really--"

"Ankou. A-Ankou Pikua. Y-you’re ranked 6th on the top leaderboards for this year's ranked competitions. Your team i-is well known for your unmatched speed and aggressive playstyle." Nova stuttered out.

"...yeah!" Ankou have another grin to Nova, but Nova was too busy fantasizing about being swallowed whole by the earth. How embarrassing it was to just drop everything you knew, and in such unprofessional manner.

Nova prided herself in being cold, collected, calculating. But here, three feet from the table hosting Ink'N'Dip, she couldn't contain her excitement. She felt like a young greenhorn all over again.

"Hmph. Looks like you've got quite the fan here, Woomy." The tallest, Zach, spoke. "Are you bitter I got fans and you don't, zachie boiiii?" Woomy replied.

Both the second tallest, Amiga, and the shortest, Eno, rolled their eyes as Zach and woomy began going at it with each other.

Nova stepped closer to the table amidst all the jokeful in fighting and slowly, nervously placed her notebook on the table. "I-id be deeply honored if you all would sign this for me, please!" The deepest bow one could give was given by her, bordering on almost disrespectfully brutish.

She wanted, deep in her heart, to run, run away, maybe change her name again, remove her kneecaps, change her hairstyle, or maybe even bury himself in the dirt. But above all this, she was a soldier, and this was her very own mission, and no good soldier ever went home empty handed. A good soldier finished the mission, no matter the cost.

Woomy and Zach cut their fighting short, looked at Nova, and went quiet. The leader grabbed her notebook, and began flipping through it, in an attempt to find a page she could sign. The clippings and photos she had taken left woomy impressed. Every little detail that was known publicly was gathered here, neatly. Plays and scores, famous moments and infamous mistakes all kept here.

"Wow...." Woomy whispered in amazement "This is impressive...you did thisch all yourschelf?" She raised her gaze from the notebook towards Nova, who didn't respond, and didn't move from her bow.

"Wow, you even got the time Eno got her hair caught in that custom splosher..."

"D-dont remind me of that!" Responded Eno as she grabbed for her ponytail. "That was that one time!!!"

Zach scoffed, woomy continued to page through. Encouraging words were written in the frames, "they'll do better next time, you'll see!", "Ink'N'Dip #1!", "Sloppy but awesome!". Every page was laden with love and respect for the team. Then, she came across a specific page, a page reserved for their signatures. All 5 had their own respective place marked with their names, each area styled to match their aesthetics.

Woomy couldn't help but smile. "Hey, this isch...really really good." She grabbed a pen off the table, clicked it open, and gave her sloppy, rough signature, making sure every letter was bathed in her personality.

She passes it to Zach, who, after paging through the notebook himself and quietly being impressed, also signed. Then Amiga, then Oliver, and finally Eno, who giggled as she paged through all the nice moments and pictures. Woomy finally took it back, and, grabbed the pen again, writing something indistinguishable at the bottom of the page.

She placed the notebook in front of Nova, and have a laugh.

Nova was sweating, her neck was growing stiff from the anxiety. She slightly tilted her head upwards, a bewildered look in her eye.

"Do you want a pic too or?"

Nova recoiled. She was sure her chest just burst open and her entire entrails dropped on the floor. Her face flushed, pupil shrunk, she responded "s-sure."

After that, everything went by, quick as a blur. She was sure she took several pictures, at least one with each of them, much to the irritation of the 20 something other people waiting in line. She was also sure on the metro bus on the way home, and somehow managed to get off at her stop.

Nova had never experienced being a mess before, at least not in a reasonable manner. She stood at the entrance to the scrapyard for what seemed like an eternity. She scrolled over and over, every single photo making her eye swell with tears.

It was strange to her, being so excited for something as mundane as meeting someone she thought were cool. She had escorted her fair share of famous octorian figures, political embassadors and military colonels, but none of that had ever really struck her as special.

She went home and sat at her work desk, paging through her notebook until she got to the dedicated signature section. She admired every single one, she sure could tell that everyone had put care in her signature.

But there was something else at the bottom of the page, something that caught her attention. Her eye shot wide, she scrambled for her transceiver and rammed it in her ear upon the sight. The device crackled to life, and she was welcomed by a long, tired yawn.

"Talk to me babe." Extra responded. "What's up? I don't remember giving you contracts this--"

"She gave me her phone number."

"Uh....oh."Extra chuckled. "You went after all, huh?"

"Yeah." Her finger crossed over the digits Woomy had written at the footnote of the autograph page. "I...should I text her?"

Extra took a second, letting out a sigh. "Y'know, I'm nothing but like....your contractor. I don't think I got any say in this."

"You're my only real friend, Extra." Nova responded "and your opinion matters to me....now, should I call her, or not?"

"Well I'd text her first." A bag of chips could be heard being ruffled around before Extra began crunching away. "But that's just me."

"Yeah."

There was a pause between them for a second.

"Hey kid."

"Yeah, Extra?"

"I got you some tickets for the ranked battle next week."

[xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx]

Ice Cream Kisses - Nicole Row x Reader

Request: PLEASE! MORE NICOLE ROW X READERS! I DONT CARE WHAT YOU WRITE ABOUT, AS LONG AS IT IS ABOUT NICOLE! I WILL INSTANTLY EAT THAT SHIT UP! (im feed) & Sorry to bother you, I know you have lots of requests, but one day can you make a Nicole/Female reader fic where the female reader really likes Nicole, but Nicole doesn't know she likes her? I know you have lots of requests, I don't mind waiting. & Can we have more Nicole imagines please !!!

Summary: You manage to befriend your crush Nicole, or is it more than just friendship?

Reader: female

Word count: 2 268

A/N: I suck at summaries, why did I decide to do it anyway? Also sorry for combining a few requests, but I have so many for Nicole, I would be writing nobody but Nicole for ages, but don’t worry, more are coming anyway ;)

You did not even know how to describe her, it seemed as if there were no words that did justice to Nicole. ‘Beautiful’ was too ordinary, ‘stunning’ sounded too hard, ‘hot’ too objectifying, ‘perfect’ was to uncreative, ‘breathtaking’ too complicated. To you, the girl with the long, flowing golden hair and the beaming green eyes was of otherworldly beauty, and maybe someone like Shakespeare would have managed to conserve her appearance and character in an elegant combination of words, but not you. In fact, whenever you were talking about her, it was more incoherent babbling than anything else.

“And you know, she just… argh, she did this smile where like… you know? Where the whole face lights up, and you feel really warm and all… and-“

“I get it, I get it,” you best friend Brendon laughed “she smiled at you.”

“Yes, but like… not just smiled, more like smiled smiled. Like… beamed? Like a spotlight that was just directed at me?”

Brendon giggled and pushed himself up on his elbows, sitting up on the soft carpet on the floor of your room.

“Why don’t you just go and tell her,” he asked, “I’m pretty sure she likes you back.”

“I can’t do that,” you immediately protested, but your heart was beating harder in your chest at the thought. “She’s one of the cool kids, and she could never ever ever ever fancy me in even the slightest!”

Brendon shook his head in disagreement and clicked the pen, which he had picked up from the floor, a few times.

“I just think she’s shy. Maybe you should try and talk to her for a change.”

~*~

Brendon was not wrong, technically.

And you hated it.

Normally talking to someone was not very difficult, right? ‘Hey have you read that book for English Literature already? Me neither!’ ‘Mr. Simpson was in a mood today, don’t you think?’ ‘Have you heard about the new rule on not eating in the corridors? Ridiculous, right?’

But when it came to Nicole, it seemed more realistic to win a Nobel Prize in Physics than to start a conversation with her that would not end with you dying of shame.

You had just taken your seat in the back of the classroom, and pulled out your books, when you noticed the golden glimmer of long, blonde hair from the corner of your eyes. No matter how hard you tried not to look into her direction, you couldn’t help but watch her walk over to her desk, where two girls were already sitting.

You had always assumed the three were friends, but watching their body language and the way Nicole threw her hands in the air in annoyance suddenly made you doubt that. You felt bad for Nicole, and angry at the girls, as she turned around, away from the two, a frown on her face, her eyes searching the room in what almost resembled desperation. When her eyes flickered into your direction, you quickly lowered your head, and pretended to be searching for something in your bag.

“Is this seat taken?”

Nicole’s soft voice always sent butterflies straight to your belly, but hearing it directed at you almost gave you a heart attack. Slowly you looked up to the beautiful student standing in front of you. Her eyes looked sad, and the fingers which she had wrapped around her books, were turning white from gripping them so tightly.

“Sure, please sit down,” you offered, gesturing to the empty chair next to yours, surprised by how calm your voice was.

Shyly she smiled and pulled the chair out, placed the books she had been holding on the table, and sat down. For a moment she kept her head lowered, trying to collect her thoughts, but then she quickly looked up, straight at you.

You returned her inquisitive stare for a few seconds before becoming too aware of how beautiful the girl next to you was. Your heart was already beating in your throat, making you fear the whole school could hear it, but seeing Nicole from so close up, being able to see every single freckle on her nose, made your head spin.

“Sorry,” she suddenly apologized and lowered her eyes, before glancing back up at you. “It’s just… I don’t know. I hope I’m not keeping you from sitting with your friends?”

You rolled your eyes and giggled.

“Have you ever seen someone sit next to me in this class?”

Not to mention that you would choose sitting next to Nicole a thousand times over sitting next to anyone else.

Her eyes watched you carefully, a smile tucking at her lips.

“No, I haven’t”, she admitted.

“So, to what do I owe the honor of your company,” you joked, making her smile broader.

Nicole’s eyes flickered between you and her hands nervously.

“Do you remember how you said in sociology class that the recognition of same sex marriage is one of the most important changes in society this last decade, and that these changes would have been impossible without allies?”

You nodded. Of course you remembered the rant you had given in class a few weeks ago. You especially remembered the confused and annoyed looks from your classmates, though a good part of that was probably also due to the fact that you had mentioned that you were interested in girls.

“Now, my friends aren’t that open when it comes to not being straight.”

You furrowed your brows. What was Nicole saying; that she was not straight?

“Well, you’re always welcome here,” you motioned around you, as if you were talking about a group of people, and not just yourself, “Straight or not.”

“More on the not straight side, but thanks,” Nicole laughed, her nervousness melting away immediately.

Contently you noticed how her shoulders relaxed and her smile grew genuine.

“Do you want to go to lunch together?”

~*~

Everything that happened afterwards seemed like an absolute miracle to you. After lunch you had headed to class together and after school Nicole accompanied you to the local library. Every day after that, you spent the breaks hanging out together, and soon you had turned into close friends. Of course there was still the jumping of your heart in your chest at the mere thought of the beautiful girl, but you grew used to it over time. Sometimes you felt guilty, the thought that you were leading her on pushing itself into your mind continuously. She was in it for the friendship, you thought, but you still pictured what it would be like to be her girlfriend. The thoughts felt forbidden, and you pushed them away as often as possible, trying to tell yourself that you were just friends, nothing more, but there were still moments you failed.

Sometimes late at night, when you were exhausted but unable to fall asleep, your heart got the better of you, listing all the times the interactions between Nicole and you could have been more than friendship.

In these nights the images of how many times she had held your hand while walking down a corridor clouded your mind, the lingering hugs you shared when you said goodbye were burning on your skin, and the countless banters that seemed too much like flirting, dizzied your head. In the morning though, you had to shake all this off.

Yes, maybe everyone knew you were not the straightest girl, but you would never find the courage to tell Nicole that when you had said you liked “girls”, you had actually meant that you liked her.

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, and the mall was flooded with people. Nicole and you had decided on meeting up to look through the records at your favorite store, and maybe go for an ice cream afterwards. Sunlight fell through the glass of the mall’s roof, almost blinding you a little as you ordered the ice cream for Nicole and yourself after an unsuccessful trip to the record store.

The waver cones in hand you maneuvered through the crowd to the bench on which Nicole had been waiting for you.

“How much do you get,” she asked, when you handed her the candy, reaching for her purse.

“Nothing, it’s fine, you’re invited,” you told her, flopping down unceremoniously on the bench next to her.

The radiant smile on her face made your heart speed up almost painfully, drowning out her words of thanks, so you quickly concentrated on licking away the first drops of molten ice cream, as not to give your flustered state away.

Little did you know that your little game of hide and not seek was very badly played. Nicole had noticed your glances and stares long before she even started talking to you, and the conversation in which her now former friends that had revealed their intolerance towards same sex relationships, had actually been about her growing fondness of you.

It had taken all her courage to walk over to you that day and ask for the seat, but she had figured that there would never be another chance like this again, so she had taken it. With a little, knowing smirk, she watched how you concentrated on your ice cream, trying to hide the effect her smile had had on you.

It had become her favorite thing, to make you blush simply by smiling at you, and it was her involuntary reaction to you anyway. When she had been doubtful and nervous in the beginning of your friendship, her confidence had grown rapidly every time she noticed your reaction to her, so knowing you would never be the one making the first step, she finally might find courage to do it herself.

You were oblivious to her thoughts, to her contemplation of how likely it was you would kiss her back if she tried to kiss you, so you kept eating your ice cream. The sun beams of the spring fell through the glass roof, making the mall glow in light and life. Contently you pulled your legs up on the bench and crossed them to sit more comfortably. Silence was spread between Nicole and you, both of you following your thoughts about each other until you had finished the sweet treat.

“So,” Nicole finally spoke up, after having swallowed the last crumbs of her wafer, “Any more plans for today?”

“Nope,” you answered, popping the p, “you?”

She quietly shook her head, her eyes fixed on your lips, which made your heart once again race in your chest.

“Uhm, you got some ice cream…” she pointed at her own lip, showing you where you had a little drop of ice cream clinging to your face.

Quickly you wiped over the spot, using the paper napkin from the wafer, which you had crumbled up in your hand.

“Gone,” you asked, looking at her expectantly.

“No, it’s right here,” she answered, still pointing out the same spot.

Again you wiped over your mouth, checking the napkin for a stain, but again it seemed you had missed it.

“Still?”

“Yeah, let me,”

Nicole scooted closer to you, making you shuffle in your seat nervously for a second, an action that made Nicole smile, but she tried to suppress it.

You offered her the rigid paper napkin, but she ignored your outstretched hand, and leant in closer until her face was only mere inches away from yours.

Breathing suddenly seemed a strange, foreign concept to you. In your chest, your heart was running a thousand miles a second, making you shake slightly with nerves. While one part of your mind was running around in your head, happily panicking, the other one was frozen, over and over mumbling “what’s happening, what’s happening”.

Shyly you looked up at Nicole, her green eyes greeting you gently, calmly, but questioningly. You felt like you were not even sure what you were agreeing to, all you knew was that you wanted to kiss her really, really badly, wanted to hold her as close to you as possible, but when your eyes flickered to her soft, pink lips, before looking back up at her, it was all the consent she needed.

The last inches were closed within the blink of an eye, both of you leaning in at the same time, carefully, yet desperately connecting your lips to each other’s. Without even realizing your hand moved up into her hair, waving your fingers into her soft strands, pulling her as close as your position would allow you. Your other hand was sitting in your lap, closed around the napkin. When Nicole reached up to gently cup your face in her hands, your breath once again hitched at the sensation of her warm hands against your skin.

Far too soon she pulled away from you, a wicked smile pulling on her lips.

“I definitely should try out the ice cream you had,” she smirked, irritating you for a moment.

When you understood what she meant you just rolled your eyes playfully at her, and huffed. Her hand snuck over to you, wrapping around your fingers before she shot you a glance, checking your reaction. Obviously you were smiling brighter than she had ever seen you before, her heart skipping a beat at the sight of your slightly dazed but more than happy expression.

“I’m just wondering if there really was some ice cream on my face or did you just want to kiss me,” you challenged after a few seconds of looking at her dreamily.

“Well my dear,” she giggled, intertwining her fingers with yours tightly, “you’ll never know.”

Taglist (if you want to be added or taken off, pleaese let me know):

General: @justawriterinprogress @jayloverthe3rd @robinruns @lookalivefrosty

[mattgambler]

My thoughts on Sekiro - Shadows Die Twice

TLDR: I talk about what I liked and disliked about Sekiro and why it in my eyes is probably* the best game From Software has released to date. Which means I also compare it to Dark Souls a lot.

*I havent played Demon Souls or Bloodborne, so I cant really talk about those. As someone who played through all three Dark Souls games as well as several other soulslikes on stream, I always stood by the unpopular opinion that Dark Souls 1 is a good game, but also a vastly overrated one - with one of the most unbearable fanbases out there, right up there with Undertale, albeit for very different reasons. My opinion is of course strongly coloured by my interactions with diehard fans of Dark Souls, both on stream as well as everywhere else on the Internet, but at the end of the day I never hated Dark Souls. I wouldnt have played through all three games otherwise. I *did* hate smaller aspects, like the fact that I ended up entering the tomb of the giants without ever finding a lantern and therefore  being forced to crawl through that place in near complete darkness until I found the emergency lantern in there, simply because I was unlucky enough to have none of the necromancers drop one for me. Or how the curse mechanic in the sewers got me trapped in a place that i already struggled with, but now with only 50% of my original HP. Or the entire “Git Gud” mentality that is so grossly abused to defend poor game design that the travesty that is camera control in the Ornstein and Smough fight looks like a piece of art in comparison. Onionbro and Solaire would weep if they knew. There were other things that I didnt enjoy, like what the Souls games count as a story, but I have an easier time pinning that down as personal preference and something that just isnt for me. Vaatividya makes good videos. The tomb of the giants without a lantern however, that just shouldnt exist in any game, not to mention a game that is glorified to such an extent that it could get its dick sucked every day by a different dude without running out for centuries. Can you taste that sweaty salt yet? Along comes Sekiro, a game by the same dev studio, with the same feel, minus many of the things that I have hated and criticized for several years now. Guess what, I like it.    This isnt a review, Im not trying to tell you if you should buy, Im not telling you that there are no microtransactions in the game or what framerate it isnt capped at. There are tons of videos online that jump-attacked all over that on day 1 of release or earlier. Im telling you why, in my opinion, this game is so vastly superior to Dark Souls that it simply warms my heart. Let me start a list and then never finish it: - You can swim - You can jump - You can talk - You dont immediately die when you fall off a cliff - You cant accidentally walk over a cliff like a moron, at least most of the time. - You can’t simply rely on dodgerolls and invincibility frames all the time - You can understand the story without having to go to Youtube to have it explained to you by someone - You can’t kill strong enemies simply by chain parrying them over and over, or at least it is hell of a lot harder - You can’t simply kill strong enemies by knocking them off a cliff (I think) - You can’t abuse magic for an immediate easy mode - You can’t abuse coop for an immediate easy mode

... I’m getting a little unfair here, I know. I actually think coop is a cool feature, even though I personally never used it and even the multiplayer pvp invasions are an original and interesting concept, although I’m not personally into it. Magic is cool too, although poorly balanced and therefore in my opinion less interesting. The reason I added those last two points to my unfinished list is not because I dislike them, but because of the lately relevant “does Sekiro need an easy mode” controversy. Especially the most elitist diehard fans of the souls franchise strongly disagree with the addition of an easy mode, which is funny... ... given that Dark Souls 1 has several. Personally I dont think Sekiro NEEDS an easy mode, but it sure wouldnt hurt anyone. I personally wouldnt have minded playing on a lower difficulty, I had three or four bosses greatly overstay their welcome before I finally managed to smash their asslike faces in. ...but Im rambling. On a surface level, just looking at the feel of combat, movement and overall story coherence Sekiro is already miles ahead, but I can understand that it therefore feels less like a Souls game and that not everyone will like that. I can understand and respect that. DarkSouls 1, as well as 2 and maybe even 3, have a couple of features that I greatly appreciate and that partly even surpass Sekiro in my otherwise overly critical eyes. Dark Souls 1 has the best and most memorable map in my opinion. Dark Souls 2 has incredible DLCs, especially Frozen Eleum Loyce was awesome and beautiful, with the minor exception of that retarded snow zebra area and how you would respawn *before* the loading screen to get there again instead of after. I also liked the Pursuers concept a lot, as well as the idea of despawning mobs if you killed them often enough. I dont remember much about DS3, it was okay as far as Im concerned but I enjoyed it the least out of the three, probably because of burnout as I had played through all three (blind) in a row. Im mentioning all of this because I want to clarify that in my eyes Sekiro is not THE TIMELESS MASTERPIECE NOBODY WILL EVER SURPASS that Darksouls 1 is often celebrated as. But in many ways it is headed in a direction that makes more sense to me than “if you are not enjoying it then you are doing it wrong and you should maybe think for once”. (Not that Sekiro streamers werent told exactly that just the same) Let me tell you, there were many instances in Sekiro where I also didnt think, didnt consider every possible option the game had given me, honestly Im pretty sure I sucked most of the time, in the eyes of your usual GITGUD-Bro. But I struggled, I improved, I succeded, and I had a way better time during it all, even though I did the same shit in the Souls games as well. Just without falling off edges in waist-high water every 10 minutes, or being invaded by some bowing edgelord, or losing 50% of my max hp as punishment for dying to the wrong enemy. There is this myth going around online that Dark Souls might be a harsh mistress, but at least a fair one. The one spreading that rumour must have been the Bed of Chaos herself, because that is nothing but horseshit. Sekiro isnt exactly fair all the time either, there are many moments in the game that feel all too familiar in their GOTCHA nature. Like how the game conveniently places the key to one of the hardest areas of the early game in your path so you go check it out just to get crucified there by Lady Butterfly and a special drunkard, just for you to learn after finally breaking both of them that you would have had a way easier time if you had simply ignored that area and soldiered on on your original path. Sure, one could have simply abandoned that area and returned later, but how many of you did? I sure didnt. The game likes to oneshot-kill you if you fail to dodge the wrong attack, be it a giant carp, a giant snake, or a giant TERROR man. Even worse, in Sekiro you cant even get your souls back! You die, you lose 50%. ALso 50% of your cash. Suck it. Im not particularly happy about that myself and Im not sure what the motivation behind that design decision was, but you take the good with the bad, right? Another thing that Sekiro does that I dont understand is how the game has you collect loot. Every time you kill an enemy you need to hold a button to collect. You can kill several in an area and then grab everything at once if they arent too far apart, but at the end of the day it eludes me why From Software didnt simply go for autocollecting instead. It’s not a big deal (even though I would forget about picking up loot every now and then) but at the same time it isnt adding any enjoyment to the game either, no matter how hard I try and emphasize with whatever a gamer who likes this might possibly think. It is not hard, its is not really relevant,  and I cant think of a single advantage it has over autocollecting. Maybe holding that button is supposed to feel rewarding? I consider it meaningless at best and tedious busywork at worst. At the same time the game introduces a stealth system that actually means something, while at the same time keeping it both well integrated as well as completely optional. Im truly impressed by how that is even possible. I also like the immortality mechanic, that results in you only truly dying if you go down twice, and even refreshes that revive if you kill enough enemies inbetween deaths. It doesnt help that much, as it doesnt refill your estus fl.... healing gourds, but it allows for a little bit more practice against tough enemies before you die, a little bit more lenience while exploring in an area where it is easy to fall, a little bit more standing power in a world where a giant carp can simply eat you. I appreciate it and it is far from making the game anything close to easy. Its more like an extra gourding flask. I could keep going and praise this (surprisingly satisfying enemy style and variety given the setting) or criticize that (less replayability because of fewer possible weapons and builds), but at the end of the day my opinion is crystalclear - Sekiro is stunningly beautiful, very enjoyable, hard as fuck, and while I have heard people say that “it is not a true soulslike”, I have to shrug and agree. It is better.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@uberoll-oystercrackers late night (early morning?) posting here but this is super nice ty and also again retroactively thank you additionally for all the long replies & kind tags you give

like really yeah it’s like, on the one hand, it’s fairly sucky having to have this thing where im always jumping the gun on considering someone Maybe An Friend and then having to remind myself / be reminded of the fact that like no probably not, which is true and yet sucks, which is just how some stuff is!! like sometimes stuff just is Not Good and is not ever going to Not Hurt, despite the fact you can kinda get better at living with it. and like this one isnt a huge deal even tho the larger problem of when ur like, lonely &/or isolated is kind of a whole real deal……

like it’s strange having these contradictory problems with it…..like, Being Myself has never really just been something i can Naturally do, so even just trying to be nice is like oh lord am i being ~manipulative~, and im always too prone to treat interactions like ive got to placate the other person, and then also just like….not having amazing social skills anyways in the sense that i know a lot of times i come across ~off~ to people and can’t really do a lot about that, but also, i feel like i’m always overcompensating for like, enthusiasm and just the fact i like to Get Silly and maybe i’ll act too cool~n~collected or come off like im trying to be all Smart and Smarmy and like jeez no……it doesnt help that when i was younger i generally preferred interacting with adults and so probably was trying to come across as clever and when i was wanting someone to like me i’d be real nervous and try to go too hard in seeming the opposite lol……oh the legacy of the time i found out my mom’s childhood friend who was funny and cool to us thought i was bookish (true) but like also snobby or something lmao like ah jeez i probably made too many sarcastic jokes about things….but oh well i was just like 10-ish at the time.

anyways tho i feel like that still kicks in and when i get the sense someone is cool and it’d be cool if they thought i was cool too i’m like Well So Then i gotta PLAY it cool!! and then like oh no am i coming across as a jerk? or an trying-to-be-an-intellectual?? i always have a lot of thoughts and i do go off when its like, also tied in to Opinions of mine, so im like, oh no am i coming across as trying to tell someone i think they should think exactly this?? or if i try to Be Witty and Tell Jokes are they just coming off as snarky b/c i hope not especially since a lot of times my actual Lighthearted Snark gets read as “i hate this and think its dumb af” lol. ahhhh i just do not know!! like, i wanna sort of dial back my Warmth b/c i can get enthused fast and i have a tendency to get too attached to ppl too fast, which really only sucks for me, but still!! yet i dont wanna rein it in too much and try to overcompensate and come off like im Eternally Unimpressed and don’t really care and etc etc and just…..idk its wild it’s hard to tell how i may be socializing awkwardly lmao ahhh….and on top of it all, i manage to be godawful at realizing when other ppl actually like me. like, that sort of sounds like The Opposite but i guess its just more of that problem of thinking that im going to always bother people….a lot of times it takes me like, months or a year (or two or three) to realize that someone who willingly interacts w me during that time probably does genuinely like me and is maybe a friend. wrow

uhhhh anyways lord that was all just. tangentially related. im Tangents

UH more to the point!!!! the good news is that yeah i don’t have to think “oh we’re totally real bffs” about anyone to really enjoy and appreciate Our Interactions…..and like i do have real appreciation and gratitude for basically all nice attention lol like, if a single reblog of smthing has kind comments, if someone cool just Likes a few posts, talking on occasion or like, ever at all. cuz for real The Little Stuff has always been a really good thing for years now, especially since there’s been plenty of times i havent really had anything happening In Person that was like….good interactions or ppl who were able to hear my actual thoughts and feelings about whatever and still be interested in interacting with me. cuz in terms of not being isolated and in what i find it easy to talk about and how, Online Interactions have been genuinely important and impactful in a positive way for like a solid decade now since i was able to be consistently Online and have my own accounts and stuff in the first place

so like yeah totally i really do appreciate stuff like that. i think its pretty incredible whenever anybody just like, thinks of me, and likes me. having None Of That Feeling is supremely trash and i so appreciate that i don’t have to feel like there’s nothing and that nobody out there in the world is aware of me, and yet i don’t need it to be that like, anyone is Constantly aware of me and like, intensely invested, cuz that’s just not how it goes lol and even kinda meaning a little bit to someone and having my tiny presence in their life be a positive one is a great thought and i really do appreciate it. Unfortunately for like….my entire life, The Contempt Of Others has been a consistent #thing i’m dealing with and it’s not great!! like yeah fortunately ive had the “felt so bad about myself that it eventually circled back around and now self loathing isnt too much of an issue for me” thing, but it still sucks experiencing it lol…..having any testimonials that like, whatever shit im talking about @ myself is fun to read, or i seem okay, or its fun to talk, etc etc, like thats fantastic really

and the kinds of leaf thoughts too, yeah, that kind of thing is nice to know too lol. i was hoping you were ok like, ten hours before i saw you posting again lol…..we’re out here……..

like yeah ldmbgglh whatever my weird problems are with being overexcited abt any Potential Friendship, and also being bad at realizing if people do like me, and also just being Weird and not great at talking, and overcompensating for whatever and maybe coming across too Coldly when rly im a fiery dumbass, wanting friends but also wanting not to be burned by getting ahead of things and being reminded that most ppl aren’t like, as starved for even just friendly interactions……..i’m better at navigating and handling it in some ways but c’est a m’ess!!! aaaggbfg

really what im trying to say is i do appreciate that sort of thing a lot yeah. i could very well Not be thought of by anybody and that would suck and the fact that i get to know that i am is a really great thing. maybe i couldve said this all better last night cuz i was kinda in my feelings abt Life a little but then also it was in a sort of déspresso way so, maybe this is okay lol….

also i worry i don’t express affection and appreciation enough!!! it’s not that i’m like Oh i don’t want to Commit to Being Friends ew…..it’s that i don’t wanna be the one pressuring someone else into being like uh oh i have to play up being invested in milo!! but then maybe my playing-it-cool just makes other ppl do the same thing or think i don’t care or something. like oh i appreciate this person a ton and think they’re great and they’ve been kind to me but if we only talk so often and obviously im not There for them and involved in their life in the way a ~real friend~ would be, maybe it would just ring hollow to say i love them, for example. lord lol……. it’s all “oh don’t dial down your kindness and affection” and yet also “but don’t wanna inadvertently push other people or Be Weird or get myself invested in something where i don’t mean as much to the other person not cuz they suck but because like, of course im just a fun internet acquaintance, which is fine!!” ahhhhhh the challenges. anyways!!!!!!!

the point is well i do like ppl yeah and i really appreciate ppl liking me. every now and then they do it online or even in person and thats just a Joy and i wish things were more secure!!! i also have to not even necessarily want ppl to get invested in me in case things go to shit too soon or whatever and it doesnt help that ~being open~ means talking abt depressingass stuff sometimes that like, i don’t mind being open about, but i also don’t want to put on other ppl. which, sidenote on that, im feeling relatively alright all these recent months even if im not technically thriving; it’s okay. it’s a hot mess! but that’s just How It Is sometimes!! it’s what it is. and ive had support from ppl in big and small ways that i know i could have had to go without and all the ways ppl are nice to me count for a whole lot and i have appreciated it, and do appreciate it, and will continue to appreciate it.

tldr 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[nctverse]

imagine if jeno had a crush on you…

im crying i meant to post this ages ago but tumblr is a bitch

 hey, its finally here though

anonymous asked:

can i request a jeno scenario/headcanon where he has a crush on you (and you have a crush in him too) and tries to make you understand but you've never been in a relationship so you're oblivious to his attempts and you just think he's just behaving weirdly ? Thankkks💞 - hp anon (who is still crying over the fact that you've never read/watched harry potter)

genre: fluff

words: 1.5k+  i usually dont write long things but do you guys want my fics to be longer or shorter??

masterlist

i honestly don’t think he’d really be shy of his feelings per say

who am i kidding

hes a shy goofy and awkward mess

but its the endearing, comical awkwardness that always seems to lighten the mood and make you smile

he wants to tell you but

1: he doesn’t know if you like him back

2: he doesn’t know how to tell you

so he just kinda hopes you’ll figure it out and catch on

but alas

the two most oblivious people on the planet just have to have feeling for each other

so of course hes trying so hard to get you to notice but some?? how?? you?? aren’t??

okay so onto the actual story part

jeno was thinking all day on how he could possibly find a way to convince you to hangout with him for the 5th time that week without seeming mega creepy

even though it would be hard for him to seem creepy to you since he’s your best friend

plus you liked him 

then it hit him

he immediately sent you a cute short text

“hey can i pick you up in like an hour and a half i wanna go to the mall but i don’t wanna be alone”

he typed out the next message but hesitated before finally he was hit with a sudden wave of confidence, biting his tongue and pressing send 

“… and i miss you”

he tossed his phone after sending the message and covered his cute blushy face.   

he couldn’t believe that he suddenly had the courage to send that message, but he didn’t regret it at all

when you read the message your heart LEAPED

but of course you being you, you brushed off the message saying that hes just trying to be a good friend for you because that’s what friends do right?

you responded excitedly, not further questioning the meaning behind his confession as you felt you had come to a sensible conclusion on your own, typing out “of course, dummy. ill be ready!! i miss you too :(”

once jeno read your response, his smile faded slightly

he was slightly upset you didn’t read his attempts, but he couldn’t be too frustrated since he wasn’t being direct either.

he shrugged off the negative feeling, and decided to focus on the fact that he gets to see you again

he figured there will be another chance for him to drop another hint while you guys were out anyway

the mall trip was definitely an adventure

you both started out walking around with drinks, have cute casual conversations filled with laughter and teasing

him, being the gentleman he is, offered to help you find clothes to buy as you always loved having a second opinion

he walked into the store with you, helping to search the racks.

not long after he pulls out a silky button down shirt in your size

you chuckled “you and your button ups” teasing him since he basically drowns himself in a plethora of button up shirts

 nonetheless, the shirt was stunning

he handed you the shirt and you added it to the small pile of clothes you have collected to try on before heading that way, motioning for jeno to follow you

he sat in a chair outside the dressing room

he had to wait outside the dressing room for obvious reasons but he insisted that you come out and show him what the outfit look like

You go in and change into the first of 2 outfits

you come out, a little embarrassed under his stare as he critiques the outfit, but he thought you were so captivating.

he had nothing negative to say

he thought you couldn’t possibly look any better than you did standing in front of him in that outfit

until you tried on the one he chose

when you stepped out in that silky button down shirt he chose, his jaw dropped.

literally

flustered at his reaction, you quickly ran up to him placing a hand on his chin, pushing upwards, effectively shutting his mouth

your other hand naturally cupped his cheek

“close your mouth you dork!” you whispered quite loudly, your face mere inches away from him

his hand instinctively came up and rested on top of the hand that rested against his cheek

his gaze fixated on your beautiful eyes, level with his since you had to lean over a bit to accommodate for the height difference as he was sitting and you were standing

his stare was intense, drenched in enamor

there was no way for you to hide the intense blush that crept upon your cheeks

finally, against your deep desire, you pulled away, standing back up straight, his hand falling back down to his side

“okay i’m gonna change back then we can check out” you managed to speak with only minimal stammering before retreating back into the dressing room.

you shut the door before turning around and resting your back against it, hand coming up to comfort the fast beat of your heart against your chest.

this was like heaven and hell for you

you were so confused by his actions because in your book it was impossible for him to have feelings for you

but at the same time you of course liked him 

you just hated how it felt as if he was playing with you, even though you knew he would never do that

jeno sat on the chair, now alone, mentally beating himself up for not confessing right then and there

at least he knew for sure that he was gonna do it before you went home.

after finally collecting yourself you changed out of the outfit, putting back on your own clothes

you knew for sure that you were buying those two outfits not even just because jeno loved them on you, but because you loved them on you too

you draped the two outfit over your arm,opening the door to exit the dressing room, mentally preparing yourself to face jeno again

as you exited, jeno approached you with his usual smile, offering to carry the clothes for you as if you two weren’t milliseconds away from kissing a couple minutes earlier

you took him up on his offer, handing him the clothes before walking with him to the check out line

the line was empty so you both walked straight up to the cashier, jeno handed them the clothes before proceeding to step in front of the card reader

 you took out your wallet nudging him with your hip with a cute “excuse me” thinking he was unintentionally in the way until he also takes his wallet.

“jeno you don’t have to-” you started, catching his drift before he cuts you off “well i mean i kinda dragged you here, plus,” he looks at you as the cashier scans the last item, “i want to.”

jeno’s eyes whip back to the card reader as the cashier announced the total, sliding his card in with absolutely zero hesitation

you huffed, putting your wallet back in your bag and briefly wrapping your arms around his waist, thanking him before taking the bag of clothes from the cashiers extended arm

after walking around the mall a bit more you guys finally decided to get going as it was getting late

the walk home was a short one but you guys wanted to take a slightly longer route in order to milk the time you both had together

you began to get slightly fed up with jeno acting as if nothing happened so you finally decided to confront him about it

“ hey, what happened back at the store? are you just gonna pretend like nothing happened?” your voice slightly weak as you were totally clueless as to how he would respond

“actually no i wasn’t, i was hoping you would catch on but obviously your didn’t,” jeno teases before becoming more serious “I like you. i dont know how you haven’t noticed, but i really like you. sometimes it feels like im going to burst-” jeno began to ramble slightly, contrary to his usual persona

you cut off his words by reaching out for his hand, intertwining your fingers, for the first time as more than just friends

he looked at you, his naturally beautiful smile lighting the sky better than any star, receiving and cherishing every feeling you attempted so send through your warm touch

he stepped towards you, so you were finally facing each other rather than beside each other, bringing his face close to yours

he paused for a moment, breath ghosting over your face like a feather, wanting to make sure you were entirely comfortable before he proceeded

his answer was clear as you looked back into his eyes with the same, unimaginable level of enamor that dripped from his gaze

he leaned in slowly, wanting to savor the innocent intimacy, bringing his hand up to cup your cheek as your unoccupied hand rested against his chest

the moment you felt his lips against yours was when you felt your whole world change for the better

as if time stopped and every single planet and star in existence aligned just for you

your stress seemingly fading away as you fell harder than you ever thought you possibly could

you already knew he was gonna be the death of you, in the best way possible.

[garym23-blog]

Sharing my experience of Prostatitis- I hope it helps somebody..

Hello, my name is Gary Mehmet. I am a 43 year old man who has over the past two years, been suffering with prostatitis. I am now in a position where I feel much better than since this illness began- about 85-90% better. I still have the odd relapse, which can cause pain for a few days, but I can see huge signs of progress and so in the spirit of wanting to pass something on that might help somebody else looking for help in this area, maybe somebody who does not have any idea how this may have come about or where to go for help or what to ask, I wanted to type something about my experience. I am just an ordinary man, average intelligence and definitely no writer, So I cannot promise you an exciting or super witty read, but if you can get through what I have written in one piece, then I hope you find something helpful in getting the help you need. so here goes, I am going to try and share something of my experience..1,2,3.

How I believe this started:

It was early March 2017. We were away for a few days on the Isle of Wight with our newborn son, Jamie. The first I knew, was overnight, waking to go to the toilet and physically being unable to. I sat and waited and waited and I pushed as far as I could but nothing. I could not pee. That was really the only sign.

There was a lot of stress in my life at this time, not really too interesting; usual things really, divorce in 2014 after 16 years together, an unhappy career in hotel corporate sales lasting 15 years on and off, an altercation with a bully in 2013, which sent my life into a spiral that I am still trying to recover from. That's not normal, you say? Really? Well, there you go. We are all different. I have faced some challenges and made my decisions, some of which I regret but none of which I can change. And I have experienced my share of pain, like anybody else. I am doing my best to move on and to grow as a Man. But looking back on where Prostatitis fits into all of this, it seems to me that this particular illness followed this period of time, so stress may have brought this condition on..

My experience with the NHS

I have been to see a few doctors in the UK. initially, we rushed from the Isle of Wight to visit a drop in 24 hour emergency centre in Hastings. I was seen by a nurse who asked for a sample. I was amazed that I was able to produce this, but I did manage to pee a little and it hurt to do so. The feeling was a like a burning sensation. The sample was screened under something like an ultra violet coloured lamp and the nurse said, this was definitely a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). I was soon after seen by a doctor, who said that this type of infection was very uncommon for a man because of the length of our ……. Apparently this doctor did not believe in bedside manner. He got straight to the point and I will be honest, I did worry.

I was sent off from this appointment with my urine sample and asked to bring it to a local hospital for further testing. I handed my sample to a member of staff at the department of the hospital, as advised. And that was that. I was told the results would be with my local GP in about a few days time.

I went to see my local GP, in Ashford, Kent and my sample had been lost... But a message later came back saying everything was clear..(which seemed strange to me because no further explanation was given as to the connection between the sample being lost and everything now being okay) So, not sure what to make of that, but that was that.

The doctor prescribed antibiotics and I took antibiotics for a good few weeks. I think I went through 2-3 courses of  antibiotics. When I ran out, I would make a new appointment and ask a doctor for another. Each doctor said something a little different, like it might be in my mind, ‘you need to stop worrying..’ ‘this is an aftershock in the body after a UTI and it will settle on its own..’ and ‘your prostate feels a little enlarged, we can arrange for you to see a urologist..’ a process, I discovered would take around 12-16 weeks. The NHS is not the best system, but I experienced care by a variety of doctors who were all doing their best to help me.

I cannot remember exactly how long antibiotics seemed to help me for.. I remember feeling better taking them than not, otherwise I would not have asked for more, but it never took the pain away and when the course ran out, the pain would return fully. For me, this mostly meant pain at night, in the centre of my groin (I cannot describe it better than that) just a deep and low- medium level pain that I imagine like a storm brewing... I was unable to lie on either side and would wake several times at night sometimes 2-4 times an hour and I remember having a very difficult time trying to go. In the day time, I would feel the need to go, try to go and then be sitting for up to 45 minutes trying to..you know..go... I could not sleep well, I could not wake up and slowly, I started losing all energy and becoming anxious and tense.

Before, I got the chance to see the Urologist via the NHS referral system, My wife and I had decided to move to Germany for a few years, a bit of space from the pain of the past few years and a transfer opportunity that had come up for my wife, meaning we could go immediately. My wife had friends and family near Munich.. So, we decided we would rent our home and go… And that was July 2017.

It is now March 6th 2019, we are still here. I am having a challenge learning German, but I have learnt a lot and continue to learn as the weeks go by. I have been approached by companies out here for work, which is great, but mostly sales roles and I am trying not to do this. I have spent a period looking after my son, until we could get him into a local Kita (early stage nursery) and a period sorting my health out, because up until the last 2 months, I have not been able to get through a single day consistently well. (Oh and top of prostatitis, I have developed a new chronic allergy to Birch Pollen and as luck would have it, we have a huge collection of said trees right outside our apartment.. I wheeze at night and cannot sleep; either because of wheezing or prostate problems... It has been a strange and uncomfortable experience. I am not saying it is worse than anybody else's only that for me, I have found this very difficult to manage my health day to day, steaming every surface my wife and son touch as they come home, tablets to lessen allergic reactions, asthma inhalers, nasal sprays, (in the past few months, I have also been through a course of injections (‘desensibilisierung’) to help my body), humidifiers to help clean the air and various air purifiers We have recently found a good one and it is really helping, but it is early days. Hell broke loose when the birch pollen exploded mid-late last march.. It is only the 6th March..

Anyway, sorry back on track.. What next?

‘Urologists and Doctors a plenty’ in Germany

It is easy to see doctors out here, in Wolfratshausen and Munich. Everything is private but affordable. I have seen several doctors and the experience has been mixed. in this time, I have seen urologists both old school and an homeopathic urologist. I have had the cystoscopy, which actually really hurt.. Sorry if you don't know what that is-- well..It involved a tube with a camera on the end of it and that is inserted into the tip of your urethra and pushed on and on and on (it seemed) until they (the doctor and nurse) could see what was going on in the bladder and prostate areas.  A numbing jelly is applied to the tip of your penis and then comes the tube. It should not be painful and foremost I dont think it is. Why was it  painful for me then? I’ll come back to that in a minute. Anyway, this examination revealed nothing. I was then sent to a local General Doctor, who also could not think how to help me. No signs of cancer, my prostate did not seem ‘interesting’ to the Urologist anyway, normal for my age not big, not small, but fine.. And as I said, the doctor had little help to offer, at all, in fact. My wife and i came out of the appointment both shaking our heads in disbelief.

But, I think it is worth noting that I was not offered more antibiotics by this urologist or any other doctor, which actually, I appreciated. At the urologist, the first thing you do other than show your health insurance card and say I have an appointment.. Is go and pee in a cup and leave it for a nurse or other professional to check for signs of infection.. This happens before you walk into your actual appointment..

Online Learning..

My wife and I were doing a lot of research on the type of Urologist, we thought could help us. Normally, I understand that we should not as untrained professionals do our own research and self-diagnose.. My experience so far, was that this was not a simple matter and I needed to try and educate myself a little- I found a book, which I will come to, a little later and that helped me to learn some things but otherwise the research was to really find a doctor we believe could help us.

From the doctors, we had seen until now, it seemed to us, like we needed a certain sort of doctor to do that. It had felt for a while like we were being talked to but not listened to. I would prepare my notes on what I was experiencing, thinking this might provide clues that would help the doctor in identifying meaningful signs that would lead to a clear diagnosis. But nobody seemed to listen to us, until this point.. So we started searching through the websites of any urologists we could find until we found somebody we thought looked or sounded like they might be interested in listening to us.

Through this research, we found a nice female Urologist in Munich and we went to see her a few times. She did ask us questions, not to me, of course, (Deutsch ist sehr Schwierig..) but to my wife. And to her credit, she listened. Every doctor tests the urine sample but this lady asked for a semen sample.. She said I could go home to do this but I offered to assist, for the sake of expediency of course, after excusing myself for a short break to the toilet. This seemed to make her nervous as her face flushed, so my wife offered to bring a sample in the next day.

This test result was again clear. So no luck there. But after explaining my symptoms, this doctor prescribed a course of three tablets:

Tamulosin

Trospiumcholrid

Diclofenac

This combination seemed to create a whole new set of problems. I seemed to develop severe symptoms, which I did not understand. It feels really strange to admit that I could not at this time make the connection, in my mind, between these new symptoms and the new medication. I thought my illness had just taken a turn. It took several weeks before I started to question the medication being perhaps harmful and not helpful. 

In this time, I had become highly sensitive to eating almost anything- of course foods like Sauerkraut were off limits (far too acidic) but so seemed most meats, vegetables (Peppers for example), fruit (no more apples or strawberries) and even, can you believe it, beer!!!! (my weekend treat, was gone!), jam, sugar, apfelsaft/Juice even tea.

After nearly two months, I felt likei was on my knees and I asked my wife, sorry, will refer to her by name (veronika or Vroni for short), Vroni set up the appointment and we went back to see her a few days later. I brought my notes and the doctor seemed keen to hear but after listening to me, encouraged me to stay on the medication..

I was not comfortable doing this, so off we went again in search of a new doctor, to help.

Back to Wolfrathausen..

We went to a Urologist in Wolfratshausen (a different man within the same clinic as my first appointment here). This man was part English and had spent time living in England and it was for these reasons, where I knew I stood a better chance of communicating directly with the doctor and not through my wife, that we chose to see him). He was a straight talking old man, who spoke very directly and told me that I should not expect a full examination on seeing him(we had called and made an appointment to see a urologist and had explained our symptoms..) and that were other patients waiting.. In the short time, we were with him though,  the usual tests were conducted ie on my urine, a manual prostate exam (don't ask... okay, you lie on your side and the man wears a very thin plastic glove, applies some lubricant and.... Yep, you guessed it :) ) and he asked about the medication I had been taking. On hearing of the mecication I mentioned earlier, he very quickly told me that this sort of medication was only given to elderly men who are too old to be operated on and that this was far too heavy for me and strongly advised me to come off them immediately. He also told me that he did not believe diet had anything to do with my condition and that was just voodoo nonsense..

Great off the tablets then... but I still think diet is part of the problem..

Up until now, i had been trying to approach every doctor with an open mind and willing to try whatever was asked of me. But over time, I was starting to realise that I had to listen to my body and sometimes challenge advice given and because I was doing this and because there are more than one urologist available here in Bavaria, Germany, I eventually found my way to the doctor I have just mentioned and I felt confident now to come off the tablets. And it helped me. A lot. The food sensitivities eased within a few days and I was now back to where I was before with just a ‘straightforward’ set of prostate related problems.. taking too long to pee in the day, unable to sleep at night and waking to go between 2-11 times per night, trying to go, pushing, only able to go standing not sitting, never feeling emptied.

Looking into Homeopathy..

I had been reading as much as i could. I had come across the idea of an alkaline diet possibly helping- the concept of helping reduce the body’s acidity level being helpful for inflammation, so I thought there might be something in that.. After reading very briefly, I decided it was definitely not for me- the diet seemed so restrictive, like I would not be able to eat anything again- okay bit of an overstatement- but my meaning- it was not for me to be so restrictive with my eating ie no milk, no sugar, no meat, no bread, no pasta, no alcohol.. So I said no to that and we moved on. There had to be another way..

But looking into diet and connection with prostatitis got me thinking about other natural ways to help the body recover rather than the harsh chemicals/tablets I had been exposing myself to, so far. As luck would have it, we found an homeopathic urologist (again a lady) in Wolfratshausen.

This doctor did an ultrasound (like for a pregnant lady) of my bladder/prostate area and this was the first time, something more specific about my problem was shared with us.. She told us that the lining to my urethra looks damaged and that this was part of the problem.. Not quite sure how it happened, though... I came to thinking about a period in summer 2016, I had worn the same (yes, I am ashamed to admit this, but in the spirit of disclosure and trying to help somebody else, here it is..), the same pair of sports shorts for a few days without underwear. To ride my bicycle to the gym, have a workout, take a quick dip in the pool and a few minutes in the sauna and then even showering with my shorts on before riding home… I know, yuck!

I still don't know why I did this. The shorts were very comfortable and with a quick drying material.. I might not have the best personal habits but when I go out, I am quite serious about hygiene. This episode was an unusual one for me and perhaps in this time, an infection found its way into my urethra. When I really do think back to that time, my penis did seem to itch a little after a few days, I just did not think anything of it at the time so… I guess there it is… maybe that is where it started..

Natural treatments… From this point, we just trusted this doctor implicitly and did everything she said. She did not seem to want to ask me any questions, only tell me what to do, don't eat apples, no apple cider vinegar, drink lots of water, Fresh espresso is fine (phew!!), pineapples warm- are good, lemon water is especially good- to alkalise the body and so on.

We went home with a list of foods that were good or not good for me and we started making some changes. I don't remember them all, but a few habits that stuck-

Out

Apples

Strawberries

Kiwis

Wine

Weiss bier

Fruit juice

Fruit teas

Instant coffee

Vinegar (ie balsamic)

In

Lemon water

Espresso (mild)

Pineapple (warm)

Monitoring my water intake and especially the colour of my urine- looking for a nice bright yellow or clear colour- this actually really helped. I had much more comfortable days when my urine was light yellow/clear- that for me was from drinking 2-2.5L water per day.

Several weeks went by and it definitely felt like we were seeing progress I was getting more sleep and though still having difficulties when I did wake, in the day time, going to the toilet was starting to ease. I still could not go comfortably sitting down, but I was going easier than I had for a long time and that was great.

But things got worse. Again.. After several weeks, things seemed to get worse again. Not sure why. I was following the guidelines.. I was not happy being home alone and often deeply upset over not being able to see my children in England and other things but otherwise, not sure- though perhaps there is exactly the problem- stress/depression..?

We returned to the Urologist, again with a set of notes on how we were experiencing things. The doctor listened for a short time then interrupted us and gave us a new set of guidelines including a homeopathic - suppository (another thing to stick up the …. I think you know.. But if not, look it up.. )

I was advised when I awoke at night, in pain, to come away from bed and drink a cup of lemon water (hot/cold are both fine- I like mine hot- 1 whole lemon freshly squeezed with some chopped fresh ginger and honey- delicious!!) and if that did not help, then I should take the suppository.

I tried this a few times and I have promised myself to never, ever do it again. I am not going to describe anything further about it only to say, no. never again. Discomfort not worth it.

At this point, we felt we had again reached a limit with a doctor because again this doctor, as nice as she was, wanted to talk to us more than listen and when we did, we were often interrupted and we were just given a random list of new things to try when she saw us back at her door. I truly appreciate and respect this particular doctor. She helped us see that diet was a key in all of this, to limiting symptoms (not curing them) and that natural treatments could help us.

We wanted to keep following this line of enquiry and see if we could still make further progress because I was still living in pain and not ready to accept that this is how it will be, indefinitely.

The help we needed was right under our noses, so to speak..

As it turned out, my father in law had been also suffering with problems in the bladder/prostate area. He had been experiencing ‘spotting’ (blood) in his urine. This was tested and it was found that he had signs of cancer. He is a former teacher and has a very extensive health cover policy, far greater than the basic one I have. Teachers out here are all very well looked after out here. My father in law had been in and out of a well known private hospital (Klinikum Grosshadern) in Munich, where he had been treated and operated on. After several months, he has had the tumours/growths cut out and is reported to be completely cancer free, which is great news. After so much time when we were both seeing doctors about the same area of the body, finally, we talked about the doctor he was seeing. A specialist called Dr.Magestro.

Ordinarily, I would not have been able to see him because of our policy not covering his services. But, there was an opporutnity to go along to an open ‘surgery’ style session where I could share my experiences with an admin lady who would see if I fit some sort of criteria to be seen by this doctor. I did go along and was given an appointment and that was the start of a breakthrough, for me.

A breakthrough. Finally.. I remember seeing Dr.Magestro, very nervous and scared he would not waste much time with me. Of course, I took a lot of notes with me. I had also recently come across a book entitled- ‘A headache in the pelvis’ by David Wise and Rodney Anderson Which was very, very interesting to me- it is a massive book though at over 600 pages and as motivated as i am, I am also regrettably quite lazy when it comes to reading (okay, Vroni I admit it, yes I like buying books and lining them all up to read but, am very slow in getting round to reading them.. Conscious clear.). Anyway, I had been reading for a few weeks as much as I could before arranging to meet this doctor, in order to try and appear a little more knowledgeable because I thought that would make me less of a time waster and perhaps more of an interesting patient.. (I did not know any better at the time. I only knew this was an opportunity and I did not want to waste ie)

In a short time, I read about how doctors conventionally trained in Urology do not get much, if at all modern training on Prostatitis. It has long been suffered by people and there are different types ie:

Bacterial Prostatitis

Non bacterial prostatitis

Chronic Prostatitis

Pelvic pain syndrome

(Sometimes the problem is even NOT THE PROSTATE!)

I saw through what I read that the ideal situation for a doctor in this area is that they find an infection and throw some antibiotics at it- which wil help clear the infection, mostly. But the problem is where there is no sign of infection.. Doctors have limited time and resources at their disposal to try and investigate this matter further. It is complicated. (The book talks about a meeting point between mind and body often being in the Pelvis region.)

I have read anecdotes about doctors who will tell patients they are fine, to go home and make love to their wife because they are okay, as a placebo technique that can in itself create a reduction of symptoms- showing the power of the mind. But I read that this is also a limited strategy that only removes the symptoms for a short period- maybe a few weeks or months.  I also read about doctors who, as part of a study, deliberately told patients during examinations that they had the signs of cancer, to then note how the body of that patient would start to show signs of stress and an increase in certain symptoms, to then tell the patient they had made a mistake.. Sneaky, eh?! But also reinforcing the power of the mind to heal or hurt itself.

I learnt that prostatitis is often but not always connected with a UTI. I learnt that pharmaceutical companies and health insurance companies do not invest much in prostatitis and that this has a knock on effect on the priority that Urologists may give to patients with this condition. I read how people whose analogy includes the remains of a tailbone, in the same way as a dog will tuck in its tail when stressed, people can clench this area and over time this can give way to prostatitis like symptoms. Stress seems to be definitely involved.

Pain leads to anxiety, which leads to tension and this becomes a cycle.. Treatment has to focus on breaking that cycle and only in the past 30 or so years have a few specialised doctors at Stanford University been at the centre of pioneering treatments focused on a sort of three way treatment system involving a urologists care, physiotherapy to help loosen the tightened areas of the pelvis and psychologist/counselling to help with stress and other underlying issues. That is mostly what I recall from my reading. But please see the book yourself and do not take my word for it. I am just an ordinary guy with average intelligence..

But I hope you get some idea here, that I really tried to educate myself on this area, at least as much as I could.

Back to the appointment..

Okay, after the introductions, Dr. Magestro patiently invited me to explain my symptoms and he really listened- finally!! And more importantly, he asked questions back to me and made notes… He went through the usual examinations on my urine, manually checking my prostate and then asking for a further sample after the prostate examination, to get this time a sample from the actual prostate (sorry, cannot explain better than that) which would, he said shed some more light on what had been going on the past several months. The doctor was going to carry out some extensive tests to find the problem.

I remember at this point, feeling quite tearful, that we were finally in front of a doctor who really wanted to listen and help. The doctor was going to see me, as continued research into this area that he was involved in. We were invited back in 2 weeks time for the results..

The results..

We were nervous and for some reason a little excited to go in and find out what was wrong and how to put it right.. So you can imagine how we felt when the Doctor said he found… nothing…. I remember him asking questions at the beginning of the appointment about what we thought might be wrong, listening and nodding as I tried to explain my thoughts and memories only to then say, that he found nothing..

Keep calm and keep moving forwards..

We discussed this revelation and we brought up many memories of other doctors who had said the same thing but that we were still suffering and we needed help. The doctor assured us and told us that this was actually not uncommon and that he treated many people of all ages in all walks of life including politicians, sports stars, pilots and that he was going to put together a plan to help find a cure involving (and it was so good to hear him say this..) his care to oversee things, a physiotherapist and maybe a psychologist.  I knew I had found somebody special in this doctor, who listened and wanted to keep going to find a solution. He also labelled my condition as non bacterial prostatitis.

Because I did not have health cover for access to this doctor, we agreed on a flexible 6 weekly appointment. Dr. Magistro offered to try different treatments with me and to see after a period of 6 weeks how things were going and then review and change as necessary. He said he would do as much as he could to help and if necessary, pass me on to other colleagues to focus on other areas of care that might help. He also said that he was sure within 6 months, we can fix this problem (that was such beautiful music to my ears)..

And...?

We were initially prescribe a Verikur and Quercetin. One of these medications was supposed to relax the bladder, the other to reduce the urgency or frequency I felt, to go..After a few weeks, I made a decision to cut out the Verikur because I felt I was having a hard time with it. I stayed with just the Quercetin and I cut that down from 2 tablets x2 per day (after breakfast and dinner) to just one dose a day, I chose that to be in the evening after my main meal and a few hours before bedtime.- when my problems start to kick in.

From the start the feeling was great. I got a good night sleep and mostly only woke only once. That for me, was the biggest sign I have seen, since this whole thing began, that allowed me to believe that I could get better...

How are things going now? It has been about 3-4 months now since our first appointment with Dr.Magestro. I have found that Quercetin, has really helped me. I still have a few occasional nights where I wake 3-4 times they tend to be when I am stressed - I am working on that- but otherwise, I might wake 1 or 2 times and… get this… I am able to sit down and pee.. Should I admit that?! Too late.. And I can go while seated.. And in the middle of the night when I can hardly keep my eyes open, this is really helpful (I can remember swaying on my feet in times gone by, eyes closed because I was so tired and pushing myself to go)

So early days, but this simple supplement has made a positive difference. I just wanted to share this with you- so you can discuss with your urologist or doctor.

I am still going through my recovery process and of the three pillars of therapy, I have only looked at one, so this is really early stage but of course, I still hope one day to be completely free of prostatitis. I cannot pretend to be an expert in any of this, but I know more than I did when I first developed this problem and I know how difficult it was back then to find helpful information and that is why I wanted to try and share something of my experience. I hope it may help somebody to have a better idea where to look (with the help of a good doctor/urologist) for their own answers. But, if you have got this far, I am sorry to take such a long time to make my point. Conciseness and me do not seem to go together. My wife and last wife, do have an ability to switch off and on, while I talk so.. there is that..

You may feel like nobody understands you suffering in this way, especially if you are younger than 45 years old. Just please know that you are not alone and that lots of people have had and will have this condition but that urologists (and definitely not GP’s) are not all very well trained in this area. There are however very good doctors and urologists out there. Your mission is to find that doctor, for you; someody who

has experience in the area

wants to help you- Of course all doctors want to help- but in my experience, I have to say some more than others..

will listen as well as talk with you

you feel comfortable with. 

But I would stress the first three points- beggars cant be choosers, afterall! 

I hope one day prostatitis is a better understood and more easily treated condition. Until then, all we can do is try to help each other.

Wishing you health and happiness

All my best

Gary Mehmet

[broadstreetmisfits]

The Moment I Knew - Michal Cajkovsky

GUYS I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT SO IM REPOSTING IT BUT LIKE IN A SHITTIER FORMAT BC IM LAZY. PLS DONT HATE ME.

You woke up the morning of your birthday to find your room covered in balloons. Walking down the stairs, you found your best friend, Michal Cajkovsky and his teammates in your kitchen.

“Guys! It is eight in the morning! What the hell are you doing here?” You asked

“Uh baking a cake” Marek said as if it was obvious

“Can’t you do that in your own house? How’d you even get in here anyway?” You asked jumping from one question to another

“You gave me a key, remember?” Michal reminded you

You sighed, yet again you regretted giving him that key to your apartment. He’d always pop in at the most random times.

“Are you ready for the party tonight Y/N?” Tomas asked

You nodded in response “Yeah, I can’t wait”

THAT NIGHT

You threw on your favorite little black dress that your boyfriend always loved to see you in and you texted him.

Y/N: Hey, you coming tonight?

Y/BF/N: I wouldn’t miss it for the world

Everyone began to arrive midafternoon. You greeted everyone with a big smile, looking forward to the party tonight. That was when you walked over to your best friend.

“Thank you so much for doing this” You smiled as you rested your head on Michal’s shoulder

“It’s nothing” he replied

You walked around the room, talking to each and every person who would wish you a happy birthday. After walking around the room multiple times, it sunk in that your boyfriend still wasn’t here. You would continuously sneak small glances to the front door in hopes that your boyfriend would walk in. You checked your phone to fine no texts or calls from him.

You figured he was just running late so you turned your attention back to the conversation you were having with Marek and Tomas. You guys – well mostly they were – sharing childhood stories. Tomas must’ve said something funny because Marek burst out in laughter after his teammate spoke. You smiled and faked a laugh, pretending to actually care about the conversation they were having.

You walked around the house yet again, but this time you made sure to thank everyone for coming. You continued to attempt to be interested in whatever conversation your guests were dragging you into, but you couldn’t help but worry where on Earth your boyfriend was. After managing to sneak away from the crowd, you pulled out your phone once again, so you decided to text him to see what was going on.

Y/N: Babe are you alright? The party started an hour ago

Michal stood on a chair and rang a bell that he pulled out of his pocket “Dinner!” He called to the group

The team, the rest of your guests and yourself gathered around the table. Since you were the birthday girl, you were forced to sit at the head of the table. You hated to admit it, but the guys made an amazing dinner. Passing the food around, you were sure to get a little bit of everything on your plate. However, you couldn’t help but notice the empty seat where your boyfriend should have been sitting.

“So how’s Y/BF/N?” Patrik asked

“Alright, he must be running late though, but he said he’s be here any minute” You lied straight through your teeth

Patrik nodded then went back to eating his food. You could feel a tear starting to form in the corner of your eye so you politely excused yourself and went to the bathroom. When you closed the door, the tears instantly began to stream down your face. You found yourself crumbling to the floor as you wept. Minutes later, you heard a knock on the bathroom door.

“Go away” You muttered

“Y/N, open the door” You heard one of your boyfriend’s best friends, Jack, say

“Please Y/N” Your boyfriend’s other best friend, Dylan, say “It’s just the two of us”

You got up off the floor and opened the door. The two boys immediately engulfed you into a hug.

“What’s wrong?” Dylan asked not letting go of you

“He said… he said… he said he’d be here” You sobbed into his shirt

“Y/N, we can’t understand you” Jack replied

You pulled apart from the two boys, took a deep breath to attempt to collect yourself, and then repeated what you had just said. “He said he’d be here”

“I’m so sorry” Jack said and hugged you again

“Let’s go upstairs and clean you up a bit” Dylan suggested

You nodded and then led the two boys up to your room. Your heart sank as it hit you that he actually wasn’t coming. What was supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life turned out to be one of your worst. You sat down on your bed and the two guys soon joined you. The three of you sat in silence as you attempted to get yourself together even more.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, you finally spoke “I think I’m ready”

You guys walked back downstairs where everyone else was still sitting around the table. You half hoped that your boyfriend was magically sitting at the table, but alas he was not. You sighed and Jack, Dylan and yourself sat back down in your seats at the table.

“Are you alright?” Michal asked as you sat back down

You nodded “Yeah, I’m fine”

You ate the rest of your dinner in silence. As you listened in on everyone’s conversations, you couldn’t help yourself from looking at the door every five seconds in hopes of seeing is smile burst through the door.

Everyone finished dinner and then moved to the family room where you turned on some hockey game. You honestly didn’t really care about the score, or who was playing as a matter of fact, since your best friends and his teammates were lounging in the same room as you. The cameras switched from a game to a few people in the stands. You recognized one face immediately….

Your boyfriend.

Your jaw dropped in shock. Without saying a single word to anyone, you ran up to your room, flopped down onto your bed and let the tears fall. As you were crying, you heard the front door open and the house get quieter and quieter. You don’t know how long you were lying in bed, but you eventually got up and changed into something a lot more comfy. You took off what was left of your makeup and returned to your room. You scrolled through twitter until your phone began buzzing. It was a call. From your boyfriend. You were extremely hesitant to pick up, but you eventually did.

“Look, Y/N, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it” Your boyfriend began

“Y/BF/N…” You said but he didn’t hear you

“My cousin invited me to go to a soccer game” he rembled on

“Y/BF/N.” You repeated

He still didn’t hear you “I was gonna invite you, but you had your party…”

“Y/BF/N!” You yelled causing the other end of the line to be dead silent. “I’m sorry too” you drastically lowered your voice

“What? What do you mean you’re sorry? You have nothing to apologize for” He replied clearly confused

“I’m sorry, I should’ve known better”

“Are you-?” He asked

“Yes” You interrupted “I’ll see you around Y/BF/N”

You couldn’t bear to hear his response, so you hung up the phone before he could say a word. You put on some sad music, something you always did when you ended a relationship, and shoved your face into your pillow.

Countless songs and tears later, you heard a knock on your bedroom door.

“Go away” You yelled even though you figured it was Michal coming to check on you

Sure enough you heard his voice through the door “It’s me”

Yet again you yelled “Go away”. You groaned when you heard your door open; you had forgotten to lock it when you came in to cry. You felt the bed dip when Michal sat next to you. “I said ‘go away’”. You mumbled

“I just wanted to check on you, make sure you were okay.” He replied as he laid down next to you

“Oh I don’t know, I just broke up with my boyfriend who decided a soccer game was more important than my birthday party, does it look like I’m okay?” You asked lifting your head up and looking at him to show him your tear stained face.

He gave you a ‘come on really?’ look as he spoke his next words. “Turn off your sad music, he was ugly anyway”

“No he was not!” You protested as you shot up from your laying positon

“Yes he was.” He argued as he sat up and grabbed your phone from your nightstand.

“Noooooo! Gimme my phone and let me suffer” You whined

“Noooooo!” Michal mocked you “You are not going to suffer”

“Please leave me in my misery” You continued

Instead of verbally responding, you saw Michal get up off the bed. He then put his arms around you and lifted you up. He carried you bridal style out of your room and down to the living room where he put you on the couch. You looked around to see the house was completely clean in comparison to the mess it was in earlier that day.

“Why did you bring me down here?” You asked as Michal sat down next to you

“Because we are going to play some video games to get over this boy” He said

You sighed, already knowing you were going to regret doing this with him. However, by the time you two called it quits, you were having a blast beating him in Mario Kart. At the end of the night, you were dead asleep laying on Michal, not a single thought of your ex-boyfriend was in your mind.

[almasidaliano]

a few of today’s new epiphanies; a dissertation. {pt 1 // 0304.}

telepathy is a beautiful thing really. strange this little experience. i thought i was delirious and honestly maybe i still am. however, i’m in control of how i use that. i understand now, a little more than before. i have a lot to do; few book series in store. i must commit to fluently typing on a typewriter. because of the aesthetic. {the idea is to release at MINIMUM 3 books in various structures; all the beginning of a different series/saga.} i plan to stick to handwriting until my muscles breathe with the memory. every word i write, solidifies the world’ll remember me. and every seed indeed.

thurtherfore, my mouth is not my only gifted piece, you see coupled with my ears- i don’t know how else to be.. blessings are curses too; it the most melocholny ways.. i listen to myself now; not immediately not completely however {i’m prone to self sabotage so we won’t be greedy😂} - only up from here ; just as soon as we find it again. :$ if everyone is truly listening how are things as they’ve formerly been? let that sink in..

so am i wrong; for trying to preserve, something that took every level of my existence to procure? seeing as it took every level of her existence to preserve; long enough to see the top; i didn’t expect the drop.. there’s power in having nothing to lose - expect i didn’t want to be who i was around your family because i couldn’t see past the bruising and the scars. i’m a product of my environment , just like you. different environment, so initial different construct. i met you and then all i thought knew was confirmed or surprisingly corrected. still easier said than done simply reframing your ideologies. because wounds aren’t healed, things still have been suppressed and have yet to even be addressed; because time had other plans in mind.. {so do i..}

so here’s the sitch ; i miss my stitch. and refuse to indulge something less than what exists within the bond we built, whilst feeling guilty so then receding into isolation to avoid feeling as if i was compromising myself and that bond. like i only can’t access 3/4 of one piece now. that physical aspect is missing.. that comfort that grounds you. the way her existence was my only addiction; used correctly you can help someone you love remember/find themselves; that’s what she did.

i’m in a place i’ve never been. this is when everything changed. WELL 2021. i say that because i’m way out of my lane; i have never been through nor felt the things i’m experiencing. i’m in a position i wish i had only ever seen on tv, while simultaneously thanking divinity. because - it is better to have loved and have lost, than to never know love at all.

***my ENTIRE romantic life before her was a sham. no shade, peace and prosperity to most. i say that because before i was testing society or fitting the picture; i was chasing platonic love because my friends were my family. they helped me manage and maintain my sanity. but friends aren’t caretakers yk we all get older. and not to say s/o are either; just meaning on the day to day. mental health is not easy, and i was never too much.

my friends and i we don’t touch like that {intoxication don’t apply because everybody extra —- eh only alcohol make the volume rise ; just depends lmao} i mean in day to day casual setting ? no. we may quick hug as the family bond grew, had handshakes and mf theme songs before that😂 my family dont exhibit PDA. when i seen people who were together interact it was usually abusive, toxic, portrayed through necessities {extremities} in some form. tough love has been vastly misconstrued. A PRODUCT OF THAT HERE! lmao however- a late winter night, outside a laundromat changed my life. HONESTLY. infinite times for the laundromat cause listeeennn; changed my life night after night. she touched me; and i could breathe again; and feel it. i could feel everything. the way i had been absent from the present; so numb.. she confirmed the theory she created when our eyes met; she always knew she “won”. and i wasn’t hella clingy; i craved the way she showed affection from the first look, first touch, first kiss or moreso gave me the support and courage to accept. besides her i can’t even tell you when any of that happened. AND she’s the only one w a first look and first touch qualifier lmao.

the bond is infinite. spiritual emotional and mental all intact. it’s the physical; the touch i’m searching now to get back. or get a consistent “this’ll be do” ; like we’ll be cool and shit still too.

confession 1: if i collected every night i ever SLEPT meaning truly rested, alone; i may have 2 years at max though.

whether family, roommate, friend, partner i’ve never spent too many night alone. and developmental years? yea maybe 10 of those single nights are from those.

ever seen twitches? i really think to an extend some darkness can consume souls. another time another place we’ve arrived at the gold; two gems to wrap up this expressions ordinance.

so the plan if not bone marrow when we would have a baby was going to be her brother because of the lineup of genes. i still feel , and want {regardless of semantics it will be} to continuing manifesting towards our dreams. it’s just strange; because well how do you approach any person in this situation? 😂 but how do you go to the brother and say this “ like i want to continue to build on the foundation we pavemented. and i was wondering if you’d mind—“ i never expected it to be under this condition. i think she’d be fine with that .

here’s the cavieat: first everything is the same but everything has changed i stg. he doesn’t look the same as i recall from my birds view . however he reminds me of her so much more than the rest of — eh depends it’s anywho. and it’s strange because i strayed and now i don’t know how to break the ice. and i meant to speak to him at all. and that’s like the most important part lmao. because i wanna know him. because him and i are a lot alike because i can’t really believe the “he’s okay” without talking to him, except niggas real short and vague these days i see lmao. he lost his big sister; i my big brother. full blood. balance. your rod. my brothers keeper. it’s ; i am him in this situation above the other siblings dynamically and i want to help however i don’t want to pry or seem weird. some people just want to be bothered because he also doesn’t talk to me so maybe he doesn’t want to. they have the same kind of light in their smiles he only squints his eyes when he laughs. dimples are genetic and let’s just say thanks yall lmao.

it’s energy. it’s just vibes fr. like —

sometimes; even my mind isn’t a place i’m alone.

to be continued..

-A.

[crossnecklace]

hi hi hi! so i feel like a lot of my most favorite fics dont get talked about much, therefore i wanted to create a proper fic rec masterpost to spread the love!! this is going to be a looooong list, so hopefully theres something for everyone (though i do firmly believe u should read every single one of these before u die)

in no particular order, but a * indicates my absolute faves that i reread monthly:

hats off to my distant hope by navigator (21k) *

Harry is in White Eskimo. Louis is in London.

AU loosely inspired by the song “505” by Arctic Monkeys.

-kicking this off with one of my very favorites. i think my favorite trope is when hl have this angsty “we’re not dating but definitely fucking and also doing everything couples do also i’m irrevocably in love with you why aren’t we dating?” sort of moment. its painful in the sweetest way, and this fic captures that perfectly. there will be quite a few of those on this list, i’ll bet

up the long delirious burning blue by orphan_account (6k)

harry is a swimmer & louis is the writer who somehow manages to make him come up for air. 

-this one is quite sad. so poetic and painful and lovely and unf (warning for mentions of suicide and depression, and the ending is quite ambiguous but there is no MCD)

we wreak havoc with out hearts by flimsy (9k)

Harry finds that he can’t keep things separate; neither can Louis.

Harry tousles his hair, smoothes it back, shrugging. 

“Alright,” he says. “I’m, you know, outside if you need anything.” 

“Yeah,” Louis replies. “Sure.” 

He doesn’t look like he’ll be needing Harry, and Harry tells himself that that’s okay. They’ve both got their moods sometimes or maybe the timing isn’t good, and if it’s not then that’s alright as well. Harry can respect that. And it’s not like this is their first tour; Harry knows that Louis will come around. He always does.

-another one of those w that trope i talked about. im gonna call it the RFWB trope (romantic friends w benefits). this one is so hot and good

rather this than live without you by mediaville (10k) *

Harry decides to give it all up. Louis refuses to be left behind.

-RFWB pt. 3. i ADORE this fic. just the setting and the angst and the smut ugh it all has me on the floor

one day to believe in you by mediaville (7k) 

A mysterious force compels Louis to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Even when it’s really inconvenient.

Harry blinks and has the nerve to look surprised. 

“You think about me when you get off?”

“Yes,” Louis says. He wonders how hard he’d need to punch himself in the face to knock himself out.

“Often?”

“Yes, Christ, Harry,” Louis groans. “Probably eight times a week for going on six years now. On average, you know. More when we were touring, less when I’ve been visiting family. Anything else you’d like to know?”

- :-)))))))

all my love was down in a frozen ground by navigator (16k)

Louis goes to the woods. 

AU very loosely inspired by the creation of Bon Iver’s first record.

-i’ll be honest i dont even remember what this fic is about but its in my bookmarks and its by navigator so i know that its good

boys of summer by sharktoothedfawnskinned (49k) *

What he wants is for this to be a forever thing, not someplace Harry spent the summer once.  What he wants is for this to be more than a memory.

(New Jersey beach town AU.) 

- I SCREAM EVERY TIME READ THIS RIGHT NOW 

we should get jerseys by orphan_account (12k) *

There’s a lot surrounding Harry, and Louis knows, in his heart of hearts, that there always will be. He just doesn’t know if he’ll manage to equate into the ‘always’ of it.

(Harry is a hockey player, and Louis is his slightly melodramatic boyfriend.)

- another old favorite!!! pretty much anything that involves harry being good at sports has me on my knees bc it paves way for automatic angst, louis being jealous of a puck/ball/net/what have you, and uhhh various other *athletic* activities

the finish line (is a good place for us to start) by @loaded-gunn (122k)

Louis Tomlinson, one-time Formula 1 World Champion, is looking forward to the 2013 season. He’s got Zayn in his garage and Liam in his ear, he’s got Cowell Racing backing him despite former indiscretions, he’s got experience and the best race car out there. Not to mention he’s the only racer they have, after Oliver dropped out late last year.

It hasn’t occurred to him that Oliver would have to be replaced by February. That is, until he finds himself at a party celebrating Harry Styles leaving Ferrari for Cowell. Harry hotshot Styles, who broke a record last year and is probably looking to make a big splash. Harry Styles, who is talented and somewhat intimidating. Harry Styles, who left Ferrari for reasons unknown and seems kind of lonely and harmless in person. Lonely, harmless, hot as fuck. Whatever.

The first thing Louis does is take him under his wing. From there it’s nine months of slow-burning romance, the past catching up to them, turning into the human puppy pile that is OT5 and a lot of feelings until, of course, reaching the finish line.

-one of the first 1d fics i remember reading. i havent touched it in a long time but it used to be my #1 fave and it has a special place in my heart. so much pining, only not really in a frustrating way bc theres abundant flirting and they kiss in like, the second scene. its basically louis trying to keep his shit together and failing miserably. AND its stuffed with fandom meta which is quite entertaining if youve been here for awhile. anyway give this a read, i truly love it so much

so keep my candle bright by whisperdlullaby (78k) *

louis returns to his hometown after four years to find that the reverend’s son has done some growing up of his own.

-god. the characterization in this one is just gorgeous. the way louis helps harry accept/explore his sexuality is so beautiful and i think about it every day. a must read!!! (warning for homophobia and religious themes)

no one like you by @myownsparknow (20k)

Dear Niall,

I was glad to have the chance to talk with you again at the AHA conference. Your idea that the Musee D’Orsay Tomlinson painting is in fact not a self-portrait is an intriguing one, and I may have discovered something that will have a bearing on that theory.

Some background: as you may remember, I’ve been researching for a book I’m writing about Harry Styles. I’ve been in communication with Styles’ last living descendant, who is in possession of a trunk that her family believed to have belonged to Styles himself. It held some personal items she presumes to be his, including two unmounted paintings and a small collection of letters.

Upon spending the last few days in Provins studying these items, I believe there to be a connection between Tomlinson and Styles, and I would very much like your opinion.

Are you up for a trip to France?

Sincerely, Liam Payne

Where Liam and Niall are art historians discovering the truth about two nineteenth century painters on opposite sides of an artistic divide.

-this is one of the only recent fics on this list bc i like to stew in the past and pretend all my favorite writers havent left the fandom. i read it when it first came out and man oh man, its like poetry. so gorgeously written, and hl’s relationship is so deeply rooted and beautiful. i love

our little corner of the world by brownheadedstranger (30k)

AU. Louis is stuck in his mom’s diner for the summer. Harry is the line cook with a pickup truck.

-so good!! i’d die for americanized fics which doesnt even make sense bc i hate america but. what can u do 

i could dream all night by @fondleeds (73k) *

As the sun kisses the horizon, one last flash of light before the stars and the moon take over, his phone will brighten in his grasp, Louis’ name appearing on screen, come over or wanna see you or miss your mouth. Harry always lingers on those messages, elbows bruising on the cool metal of the railing by the lookout, watching the water as he thumbs at the side of his phone, lips bitten into his mouth, trying to will away the bubbling in his stomach, the heat that flushes to his neck at the thought of being thought of.

At the thought of Louis thinking of him.

AU. Harry spends his summer away from the city.

-lordt. where the fuck do i begin. first of all, lysha, if ur reading this, i’d die for u even tho u already killed me with this fic. second, what the fuck???? this is so good??? the imagery is exquisite, everything is so soft and hazy and warm, but just be warned that its a tRick. this fics wraps u in like a warm hug and then stabs u 7 times in the back so be prepared :-))) (warning for ambiguous ending)

another hazy may by deLILAh (41k) *

louis is a terrible poet and harry lives in the now and they have six weeks to fall in love but, really, it only takes six seconds. bookshop meets military meets summer romance au ft. marlboros, the backstreet boys, and underrated literary devices.

-i dnot even wanna talk about it. i swear to god the first time i read this i stayed up all night and cried through literally like the last three quarters of it. its so poetic and gorgeous and now every time i think or hear about the literary present i wanna die so thanks for scarring me forever 

like a bastard on the burning sea by vashtaneradas (22k) *

au; harry breaks louis, louis breaks everything.

- listen i know im not supposed to like this but yknow what?? iconic. its absolutely a guilty pleasure and the only cheating fic ill ever give the time of day bc it just hurts so good 

take me to the church (series) by @kingsoftheimpossible (14k/6k/4k)

Harry and Louis are Horsemen of the Apocalypse- War and Conquest- but that’s not really important. They just like to fuck things up.

these r freaky but so so good. theres nothin i love more than boyfriends wreaking havoc on..everything. (the main warnings i’d say are for slight gore/violence and blasphemy. other than that i’d read the tags before you dive in)

if you love me, come clean by @victoryjacket​ (121k) *

AU in which Louis works at a recording studio where Harry’s ‘up and coming’ and ‘exciting’, soon-to-be famous indie band has just signed a deal to record their debut album at, and Louis’ never even heard of them for Christ’s sakes, but that doesn’t stop him from repeatedly catching the eye of the raven-haired, eyeliner-wearing and slightly dangerous-looking frontman (but he’s not interested, he isn’t.)

-everyone read my love’s fic right now. she writes tortured rockstar!harry beautifully and its just so good :-))))) ft. the slowest, sweetest burn 

a runaway american dream by dangerbears (15k)

AU. they take route 66 with only each other and their secrets.

-iconic. plus the whole thing is just hl trying and failing to be just bro pals and platonically share a bed

from the love to the lightning by orphan_account (22k) *

“i didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. because it’s the halves that halve you in half.”

 a like crazy au where harry and louis fall in america, but have to try to make it work when problems arise that force louis to stay in london.

-definitely in my top 10. first things first, the line that fucked me up forever: “Three thousand, four hundred and seventy one. There are 3471 miles and an entire ocean between them, but Harry doesn’t even have to get out of bed to find bone-crushing heartache.” AH. i think this might actually be the only long distance au ive ever read and its angsty as fuck but oh so worth it. like literally idek what to say except read this right now (warning for harry/ofc relationship that is pretty detailed, but i grew kinda fond of her? and anyway its mainly just a plot point to emphasize harrys pining for his tru love,,,,yk who) 

we can take the long way home by @eleadore (27k) *

“Fertile,” Louis says, and then laughs because it sounds stupid to say out loud. He hasn’t ever really thought of himself in those terms. Baby-making terms. It’s just one of those things his body can do, like exercise, or go without tea. Doesn’t mean he will.

or, The band takes a break. Harry and Louis come together.

-listen, i REALLY REALLY love this fic. its probably literally my favorite one shot, like, its really just so sweet and hot and its again one of those good ol RFWB tropes. loveeee

red brick heart by hazmesentir (99k) *

Harry has only had his room for thirty-two minutes when it stops being his.

Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn’t expect is a surprise roommate who’s loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he’s ever wanted.

-this is one of the few fandom faves i can get behind. i know its got that early era cliche of commitment phobe!louis but i really love hl’s relationship in this, and how harry comes to terms w his sexuality via making out w louis tomlinson like 500 times. plus the scene in the club where louis, uh, helps harry out just…GETS me, yknow? 

some things take root by navigator/quitter (50k) *

AU. Louis’ ex doesn’t get jealous of anyone besides Harry. Harry helps Louis use that to his advantage.

-pleasepleplalspelplseease. literally navigator can end me. this is THE fake relationship au yall, like, any fanart of hl making out near a bar gives me flashbacks to this fic. read it

keep yourself warm by navigator (20k)

AU. Harry sleeps around.

-this fic is really nice and oddly comforting, like, i just love the pining and the angst. its so !!!! 

with love comes strange currencies by mediaville (16k) *

One day One Direction will be over and Louis won’t be around Harry every waking moment. He’ll be able to finally get some space, let their bond dissipate as it’s bound to do, if they don’t mess up again. He can move to Costa Rica and forget that Harry Styles popped his first knot inside him. Until then, he’s going to have to deal with this.

or, They’re Accidentally Mated and Dealing With It Rather Badly.

-i con ic. listen, i have nothing against abo but im just .. not rly into it. however, THIS is the first abo fic i read and the only one i ever loved. like just the whole accidental mating and how it draws them to each other even tho its quite inconvenient, and how h takes cares of l when hes sick, i just..gotta go 

covered in lines (series) by mentalistecbm (24k)

He likes to imagine that he’s always aware of Harry’s eyes on him, but the spark that flashes across his body at how often Harry licks his lips while looking at his throat doesn’t feel like something he’s explicitly and consciously acknowledged before, but it feels familiar. Usual. Right.

(Louis is human, and Harry is lucky enough to be his vampire boyfriend.)

-noah fence but this is,,,, essentially twilight in au form, minus love triangles and werewolves. actually its completely different lmao, who am i, but the overall atmosphere and the vampire dynamics rly reminded me of it. i mean it in the best way!!! its so good, and anything involving dr*nking has me on the floor

weird honey by orphan_account (5k)

~staying up all night, talking blasphemous ash, weird honey~ 

(PWP where Harry is not 100% at home in his body and he and Louis use a sex toy to help work through the problem)

-this fic is soft and nice and makes me feel warm inside so highly recommend

who painted the moon black by throughthedark (95k) *

“People died,” Harry whispers so quietly Louis strains to hear. “People died, and I killed some of them. How does life just go on after something like that?”

Louis shakes his head. “I don’t know. It just does.”

Hunger Games AU where Louis Tomlinson is district six’s victor from the 69th Hunger Games and Harry Styles is district seven’s victor from the 72nd Hunger Games.

-listen. i do NOT want to talk about it. (ps harry throwing axes on the bbc literally  took me out by the knees bc of this fic)

one more for the stars by imsosorry (16k)

It’s different, and Louis knows that, because Harry’s got so much riding on this - a career and a future and his whole life. There’s talk of him going first overall in the draft, of entering the NFL after only two years in college, of going to New York or Seattle or Green Bay, and Louis wants to be there for him, wants to support him and help him make decisions, but he also kind of wants to pin him to the bed and cry and scream, What about me what about me what about me?

(au. Harry’s the star quarterback and Louis is about to graduate. It’s a heartbreak waiting to happen.)

-i think i mentioned before that sports au have me on the floor and this is no excpetion 

you and me were kings by ithacas (28k) *

harry plays football in a small town in west texas. louis might be the only person that doesn’t give a damn. au.

-another football au, this one with the added beauty of being set in southern us. im such a sucker for southern aus, mannnn, and this one is so soft and beautiful

hold onto your stars by vashtaneradas (16k) *

au; harry’s in the army, louis’ back home, and ninety days is a lifetime.

-are u srs????? this is another hazy may except…….Worse. like, im still working out the science of it but im pretty sure this killed me and brought me back to life just so i could suffer the pain of it forever. (nobody dies tho)

makes perfect by checkthemargins (8k)

“What if you practiced on like, a mannequin?” Louis presses. “Or one of those blow up sex dolls? Or even just like, I don’t know, a pillow or something. Whatever it’d fit around.”

Harry tilts his head thoughtfully, curls catching the light so entrancingly that Louis finds himself reaching up to push his fingers through them. “It’s different, though, innit? When it’s a real person. A pillow won’t snog me.”

“Why should it?” says Louis. “You can’t even take its bra off.”

hmmmm. hmmmmmmmm. im jus gonna leave this here,,,,,,,,,

all the diamonds you have here by vashtaneradas (21k) 

it hits louis now, how fucking close to the precipice they’re standing. 

or, an au feat. investment banking and children.

-its #confirmed that anything by vashtaneradas is guaranteed to be painful as hell. who said there cant be soul crushing angst in marriage/kid fics too ! 

wild and unruly by @100percentsassy/gloria_andrews (123k) *

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.

-ending this with a classic. i trust that everyone has read this masterpiece already and that i dont have to say anything about it other than w o w 

______________________________________________________________

tis all for now! happy reading and pleaseee feel free to yell @ me about these fics if you liked them as much as i did!! 

[downstaaiirrss]

Been wanting to get on and vent here for a while. Work has been so stressful lately. I have a new manager that i cant hardly stand to talk to let alone we have a meeting every single day about nothing. It’s getting very hard to stay motivated at this point. I love my coworkers and my job is okay but she makes it impossible to want to show up and do my best. I was number 1 in our state last month for fraud and still had the worst 1 on 1 meeting in my entire life. I felt like the shell of a human and my soul had been splattered across the road. And these are monthly meetings that go on an hour long plus. I need to either start looking for a new position or need to leave the bank. It’s sad that one person who you’ve never even met in person can have such an impact on your feelings and day to day life. Tomorrow we have a TWO hour long meeting to share who we are with the team as if anyone gave to fucking shits who each other is. We’re only here to collect a paycheck and afford our bills. Now i have to sit on a webcam and watch these people i hardly know eat their lunch to have a “virtual potluck” which if you think about it is ridiculous. Have a bunch of strangers essentially chewing their food on a camera. I just cant.. I have to get off this team before i lose it on this manager. When i first joined the team she said she was very laid back and not at all a micro manager which has been proven completely false. It is the opposite. The expectation of this person is to exceed at every level of the job in which we are the lowly front line workers which get shit on by customers all day long and expected to then do side activities like make powerpoints about “who we really are.” I dont even know who i am anymore with this new position im at. There’s no gratitude from her part only what could be improved and critiqued. Its very demoralizing as just a person to never get a pat on the back.  I’ve since assessed the situation and have sort of a different perspective on how to take it and if there’s something thats to be critiqued then maybe it IS on me that I’m not preforming up to a standard i am possibly held at because they know i can handle it. I’ve been trying to be on my game at work but some days are like pulling teeth from customers to get them to even verify the simplest of information.  Anyways. I’ve been on this computer all day working already as it is and got back on just to vent and kind of say hi. No big changes lately. It’s winter now here in AZ and its finally getting cold enough to close the windows at night and wear cozy pjs. Not that i wear pjs but tis the season. This weekend might possibly drive out to tucson to drop off dustins gifts to his door. instead of sending them through the mail which would be a fun little road trip in the night. Its just a thought for now considering saturday is 5 days and full day of works way away. So we shall see. Been wanting to vent for a while now i feel a bit better. 

thank you as always tumblr for being my writing and emotional outlet

talk soon : ‘ )

[junker-town]

Why isn’t Jonquel Jones considered a WNBA megastar?

Jonquel Jones led the Connecticut Sun to the WNBA’s second-best record, but still can’t get any respect. | Getty Images/SB Nation illustration

Jones and the Connecticut Sun have been pigeonholed, and that’s caused us to misunderstand their success.

Imagine creating a star big in Basketball Photoshop. Let’s call them Megastar(1).psd.

You want them to be tall enough to dominate inside, but also agile enough to hold their own on the perimeter. They should score easily around the basket, but also step out and drain threes to open up space for everyone else. They’d present many options as a pick-and-roll screener, but they could also work hapless defenders in the post if the game called for it.

It’d be nice if they erased all these things on defense, too. Best shot-blocker in the league? Don’t need that, but it’s a nice bonus that we’ll take. Best rebounder in the league? We’ll settle for top-five, but sure. Will they anchor an elite defense? Yes, yes they would.

And, of course, you’d make sure they had a massive individual influence on their team’s success. Like, say, 11 points better with them in the game and 12 points worse with them on the bench.

Finally, this would happen on a team that’s really good, not just a crappy one they propped up to mediocrity. Second-best record in the league? That’ll do. And no flashes in the pan either: they need at least one other season where they were that dominant on a successful team.

Since you read the headline and saw the picture accompanying this article, you know that this is an actual player named Jonquel Jones. In just her fourth year, the 6’6 Jones has elevated the Connecticut Sun to the No. 2 seed in the WNBA, behind the unstoppable Washington Mystics.

Jones did it all for Connecticut this year. She’s the team’s leading scorer, rebounder, and shot blocker, leading the W as a whole in the latter two categories. She’s the only player on the team with a player efficiency rating above 20 — the difference between her and any other player the team is larger than the gap between the second- and sixth-best marks. She leads the team in overall net rating, and was second in true shooting percentage while just barely slotting behind team-leading Courtney Williams in usage rate. Her numbers were even better two years ago, so it’s not like she’s the new kid on the superstar block. You’d think she’s universally considered the Sun’s franchise player, and in turn one of the league’s most recognizable superstars.

Instead, her Sun team is often described as an overachieving, egalitarian collective, punching above their weight against top-heavy glamour franchises lucky enough to have real star talent. This brief interaction between host John Brickley and former Sun great Katie Douglas during ESPN’s halftime show on Sunday was instructive, because the sentiment is hardly unique.

BRICKLEY: “It’s an interesting dynamic when you talk about Connecticut because there isn’t really that main attraction star like you see with LA with Candace Parker, and Breanna Stewart with Seattle. But they’ve got some role players that are so crafty, like Jasmine [Thomas], that can make a deep run in this postseason.”

DOUGLAS: “I think a lot of their success goes to Jasmine. She’s that engine for them. But like you said, they don’t have that mega star. On paper, they’re probably not the most talented team without having those mega stars. But collectively, they’ve been together. They have great chemistry. Like you said, they know their roles. They know what they’re going to get from each player every single night.”

It didn’t help that Thomas, one of the Sun’s actual “crafty” role players, was sitting right there. But divorced of all wider thematic context, that was an odd way to explain the success of a second-place team built around a player of Jones’ caliber.

can we stop with the whole Connecticut Sun Dont Have A Megastar thing they have jonquel jones

— Matt Ellentuck (@mellentuck) September 15, 2019

All these analysists and broadcasters continuously say Connecticut doesn’t have a megastar and I’m just wondering if anyone has ever heard of Jonquel Jones?

— Britni de la Cretaz (@britnidlc) September 15, 2019

Naturally, the Sun turned this overarching sentiment into a one-minute hype video filled with critical commentary from professionals and randos on Twitter, all ending with the tagline “DisrespeCT.” At the six-second mark, the line “NO MEGASTARS” flashes on screen before the video jump-cuts to a slow-motion shot of Jones chest-bumping a teammate in player introductions.

disrespe . ️: https://t.co/4tvhzx3AFB pic.twitter.com/38iFNFXnlX

— Connecticut Sun (@ConnecticutSun) September 14, 2019

This’ll certainly fire up the fanbase, but the delivery validates the very point the Sun are contesting. It’s hard to build an entire marketing slogan around Jones and the Sun as outsiders against an establishment that disrespeCTs them, then also cry foul when she is improperly omitted from that same establishment’s list of megastars. (Sadly, “PerspeCTive” is a terrible slogan, even if it’s more accurate.)

So the Sun are being positioned — and positioning themselves, if not fully intentionally — as a snubbed insurgency fueled by a collective group, and not simply as Jonquel Jones’ team. How did this misguided image develop?

One reason comes straight from that hype video: “NO ONE THOUGHT WE’D MAKE IT THIS FAR”. This is a slight exaggeration: the Sun were still expected to be decent, but it’s true that no general manager predicted they’d win the title this year. This perception can act as an anchor in the public’s heads, especially when the season is so short.

It’s also easy thematically to apply the ensemble label to the Sun when you consider the other three teams left. The Las Vegas Aces are the league’s new glamour franchise after making one of the biggest trades ever. The Washington Mystics have the likely MVP and the most efficient offense in league history. The Los Angeles Sparks are a traditional power led by a crossover superstar (Parker), flanked a former MVP (Nneka Ogwumike) and a point guard with a history of big shots in the playoffs (Chelsea Gray). It’s convenient to have a blue-collar upstart as a foil to those teams, so the Sun get stuck stuck playing the same role the Atlanta Dream did last season even though the the two franchises share little in common besides their tough defenses.

(Also, Atlanta did have a secret star in Tiffany Hayes, as our Natalie Weiner beautifully illustrated last year. But Hayes, while a nice player, is no Jones.).

Perhaps the Sun’s rep stems more from Jones’ unique basketball journey than anything the franchise itself has done. Though Jones liked basketball, soccer was her “thing” as a kid, until a Bahaman national team coach questioned her sexuality. (Asshole.) She moved to the U.S. as part of an exchange program at the age of 14, a move funded by her new head coach because her family couldn’t afford tuition. She didn’t surge up the recruiting radar until a late growth spurt, then transferred from Clemson to George Washington.

After starring in the District, she was traded from the Sparks on draft night — for Gray, amazingly — and came off the bench as a rookie before getting her chance when Chiney Ogwumike torn her Achilles. Despite a breakout 2017 campaign that was even better than the one she put together this year, Jones again played off the bench in 2018 with Ogwumike healthy again. Jones rebounded from a rough start to win Sixth Woman of the Year, but knows what might have happened this year if Ogwumike didn’t ask to be traded?

To some degree, Jones isn’t seen as a marquee franchise player because her franchise took a long time to actually realize it themselves. She got her chance to shine only when things didn’t go to plan — twice!

In this way, Jones mirrors Denver Nuggets superstar Nikola Jokic. A former second-round pick, Jokic only became a starter as a rookie because of an early-season injury to Jusuf Nurkic, a more highly touted player at his position. Despite his initial promise, the Nuggets tried using Nurkic and Jokic together the next year. When that failed, they moved Jokic to the bench behind Nurkic for a brief stretch, despite Jokic clearly being the better player. Eventually, they made Jokic the full-time starter, trading Nurkic to Portland and turning the team over to the Serbian.

Two years later, Jokic is an MVP candidate and one of the NBA’s most delightful young stars. His name comes first in any sentence describing the Nuggets’ success, often before the franchise itself.

The two situations aren’t exactly the same. Jones lacks Jokic’s signature on-court style, and she was at least a high draft pick the wider basketball world knew before entering the league. But there are enough parallels to suggest that it’s only a matter of time before the Sun are rightfully seen as Jones’ team rather than a balanced collection of nice players. The story eventually catches up to the facts with consistent excellence, even if it takes longer then it probably should.

Until then, be wary of falling for the obvious image of the Sun as the WNBA’s blue-collar, ensemble team punching above their weight. In reality, they have their own Megastar (1).psd, too.