#i dont really feel emotionally attached to my job but that made me feel good

[ebdanon]

my boss said she appreciates me 🥰

[spikeinthepunch]

i have talked about it to some capacity with the post a made a bit ago about branding etc and hpw i feel about it and how i kinda got swayed into playing things safe with presentation bc of how people on the internet/esp professionals, read you.

which was something i got caught up in especially around my internship because even though i wanted to explore mature topics emotionally, i was still going to play it safe. i had that 'i could make a thing thats emotionally strong like steven universe, but nothing more'. the stuff i wanted to make i treated like that. the idea that anything i was going to make that i wanted to put into the industry i wanted to be in had to be safe enough for studio/execs. which is definitely a problem with current animation- everything needs to be in a certain range of safety.

interestingly i felt like i did escape this a few years ago- i was no longer caught up in getting a job in 2020 and all the complicated feelings about "i dont want to cater myself to kids because i dont want to make stuff for kids" hit hard by then after turning 21. i was drawing lots of nsfw (...which you guys here didnt see lol), i was letting myself make stories without any regard to a specific audience esp bc the wcrp i was doing gave me time to think about that in my free time. and the way i presented myself, in terms of my posts, did not hesitate on topics either.

which the recent (1 or 2~ years) change in branding that led up to the mikike 'mascot' i realize now that attaching to a mascot like this kinda entirely redirected my presentation. not exactly in terms of topics on my normal blogging (however i did stop posting a lot in general) but you know. the livestreaming nd video making, and in turn the way i would interact with the places people use for online marketing/audience building. interestingly, before mikike but when i had my website, i started my website with the intent of it being a place outside of social media where i could "do what i wanted without anxiety of whether or not i could post it". and uh, somehow i managed to do the opposite.

because eventually i felt like online presence wise, using mikike as a mascot to front me and my website, would be good! seemed simple enough. but then i ended up feeding into the cutesy design or more, felt like i had to present with this neutral design, one that would appeal to "everyone" which... sent me back to that mindset again. its a horrible conflicting mess when part of me was trying to be like "yes i want to post whatever on my own site!" and then "oh no im becoming a general audience streamer and play minecraft, i dont want people to see that stuff if they go to my website" (with the added, if i start to get involved with other people too, i would be nervous about them being aware of my website and ruining my rep). should be said, its not like i *am* posting anything egregious either- but theres inherent anxiety based off how people respond online in general, like im wanting on ice all the time regardless.

so suddenly i was back where i started. i really really wanted to hang on to this drive to get out there, make the videos i have in mind, etc. but in my head i get very caught up in whether or not my stuff will gain traction and then be criticized for things i cant control (the age of people, or just whether or not someone take some mature content i made as 'problematic'). reality is i need to not care-- but i have said it time and time again. it is SO hard as someone who grew up during 2014-2016 tumblr. because if you were there youd know how hellish this era was with its callout culture. it was insane, truly. and i like many other teens, felt like i needed to be loud and out there to judge problematic behavior in order to not be problematic, and be self aware all the time and to always judge my interests, and in turn be paranoid i may like something bad.

the urge to rebrand is built off of detaching from the image/mascot that is making me "play it safe". part of me is annoyed that i want to drop this overall look- i do like mikike, i do like the colors! theyre nice. buuut i do feel like i want something fresh. i have admittedly change my look quite a few times so, maybe this is just how i am too. idk.

[officehrs]

dont you think youre being too harsh by saying he should be able to communicate with you since he’s an adult? your confession could have hurt his image considering how much time he has alloted to you,, what went from fatherly love is now pity, did you really think coming clean about your feelings would repair what was already broken. you are a kid, you are his student,, you need to know your place. your increasing attachment to him made you lose sight of what was important about the bond you shared

again thanks anon for the questions,, idk if u are the same person or a different one but either way i do really appreciate it!! it makes me think much more critically of how i perceive our relationship and everything that has happened in its course ,, with that being said, this will certainly be a longer post than usual, just so im able to explain everything.

i highly encourage all of you read this — i explain why i sort of hate him now, how i confessed, how he has changed, and why our relationship cant work anymore.

i should clarify that in my other post, i said “he should be able to communicate since he's an adult” not as something i believe now, but something i believed at the worst of our relationship some weeks ago. though this is an idea that subconsciously lingers (because i believed it so intensely!!), since then, i have experienced events in my personal life that have required me to “grow up,” even more, contrary to what i might project here. to believe he has inherent malicious intent or inherent insensitivity in everything he does surrounding me is completely at odds with how i see humanity as a whole. it wasnt and isnt justified, but i was really just desperate to see that immediate reparation of our relationship like you described, and to me it wouldve been, ideally, this sudden blooming and everything being good between us again. but this is impossible, and i wish i could have warned my earlier self of that much more!! he has experienced things that have changed him since last year and i have experienced things that have changed me also. this is something im trying to accept now.

though i was very childish in my reasoning for choosing to confess, i didnt do it without thinking. for that reason, i fight back more strongly against the idea that my confession could have hurt his image in any way. i loved him and i was extremely saddened by him when i wrote what i did, but i did not want to hurt him so inconsiderately, costing his job or reputation for something that (as i wrote, and as u acknowledge) was literally my fault — that being, my attachment to him 😬 so, i did everything in my power to ensure that this would be private and really only painful for myself. its not easy to confess, i promise!! but anyway, i dont remember if i shared this detail (like my other post), but the confession itself was in the form of a letter, sealed by an envelope that i gave to him directly with no one else around. the contents were, then, completely discreet. as for the confession itself, i shared very sensitive and specific information (like being gender non-conforming and the name i go by, which ive never told anyone, and more details about not having emotionally present parents). this essentially means that the only way the confession could hurt his image is if he told someone about its contents, or anything about it at all, which would be an egregious act on his part — he would be the only method of damaging his image, and in fact, he already has throughout the year!! his students tend to feel that he unfairly treats them, and find him pretty stubborn and unlikable. people loved him a lot more last year when he was more free and caring, including me jsladksjks

but dont be mistaken, anon,, you undeniably speak truth in other things said, and im grateful that you can derive that fundamental truth from what i post here, which i unfortunately have to manipulate (in minor ways) in order to protect myself and r, and really everyone. one thing i absolutely enjoy is how you articulated the change in our relationship ("fatherly love to pity") because its very brief, yet applicable in its entirety; in all its implications. although its a bit painful to see him see ME as this sad character who never experiences joy, its for all the wrong reasons. honestly, in my last post i lied — he didnt feel guilty for treating me like garbage, but he felt guilty for recommending me things to do during this time, which i expressed in the confession and after is NOT the problem. this misunderstanding is something that cant be fixed, though. his ideological change prevents him from seeing the reality of the situation the way i see it, because he would have to change the way he sees reality as a whole; if this happened a year ago, he would not pity me at all. i know this sounds very wrongfully confident, but it is true. people complain about him now, and i dont enjoy his presence anymore because he believes in things that oppose the lives of his students. my confession was then even more immature because i thought, basically “i could fix him” 😵‍💫

in this, you are right anon: i am just a kid. i have proven it time and time again in this post alone!! but, you must understand: i am NOT his student, and i havent been this entire year. when we talked monday, 5/16/22 (the same day i cited in my last post) he also said that in many ways, he is not my teacher. in academic terms, i am not his student — i am an assistant to him who helps the people he actually, actively teaches. in attachment terms, i have horribly turned him into a replacement of my father. and in occupational terms, i have surpassed him intellectually in the subject he used to “privately teach” me about, and therefore, he cant really teach me anymore. when i say privately teach, i mean he would tell me things and give me books to read about the subjects we both had interest in (philosophy, and the social sciences), when i would see him after school. but, because he knew very little about both, i quickly became much more knowing of both areas than he is with what he gave me and my own private study. of course, he knows way more about the subjects he formally teaches (film and lit) than i do, but these i am not really interested in, so he could not teach me unless the material is stuff that im not passionate about. there's more, but i dont want to sound like im bragging, and im sure im not making this any clearer ,,, anyway, overall, i agree with you; though im not his student, i need to know my place. and again, this is something i have been trying to reinforce to myself.

i wanted to add a transition to this by saying the last thing brought up is something that i should clarify, but it cant be clarified because i havent ever said it. nevertheless, let it be known that my increasing attachment to him — at least as i perceive it — is not what made me “lose sight of what was important about the bond [we] shared.” i would argue, even, that i never lost sight of what was important about our relationship. but the issue is that his incompatible views of life (in my view) and his constant maltreatment of me and other people (like my best friend too, actually), have been fueling a decreasing attachment to him. really, my only attachment to him now is to how he made me feel and what he once was.

for the both of us, its best that we do not talk to each other anymore, and this is something i wrote in my confession. additionally, my confession has always served as my ultimate presentation of the truth about our relationship. to r, he was glad to be told the truth, and as he said it the day after i gave him the letter, he would rather know than not to know. to me, last year, i wanted to confess the same way on the day i would graduate, and i finally got to do it this year, although at a completely unplanned time. and with this, i conclude my response 🐇

im very sorry if this is incomprehensible — ive been writing this response for 3 hours now, and im extremely worn from it.. regardless, thank you anon for giving me the opportunity to explain,, please continue to do so by raising those questions (you or anyone else)!!

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[lassieposting]

Hi i havent read the books post-resurrection so im kinda lost on why you dont like phase 2 val? She was easily one of my favourite characters ever, she was flawed (and the books took time to acknowledge them) and relatable and still really admirable (intelligent, brave, loyal) and i really liked her and really appreciated that she wasn’t perfect unlike every other young adult heroines. What went wrong😢😢😢😢

Okay I'm gonna put this under a cut because I very strongly dislike phase 2 val and I know it bugs people who don't feel the same, so. Dead dove dont eat

Okay so first off, phase 1 val and phase 2 val are completely different people. literally. phase 1 val was based on an ex-friend of lardo's who used to apparently be involved pretty heavily in like, editing the books and "she'd react like this" or "val wouldn't say that", and that val she was one of my favourite fictional characters from when book one came out to the release of resurrection. phase 2 val is based on his whiny little girlfriend who likes to start shit with 14yos on twitter, and you can absolutely tell she is no longer the same person. so the long story short of "what went wrong" is "the original irl val's friendship with dirty laundry ended for whatever reason and he decided to retcon her entire personality to suit his gf"

Phase 2 Val, in my opinion:

Weak, like won't even fight back when she gets jumped bc boo fucking hoo she's so awful, bitch get up already, nobody signed up for ur pity party

Whiny. So fucking whiny. All the time. And she's the POV character so it's inescapable.

"Pacifist" but in a really pathetic virtue-signalling kind of way like "Oh, I've done such terrible thiiiiiiiiiiings I'm so awfulllllllllllll look how good I'm trying to be nowwwwwwww pay attention to meeeeeeee" kind of way, it was both boring and a massive eye roll. It's a book about magic and asskicking. Kick some ass. We're here for escapism not "realistic" whining. Yes, irl she'd be a mess. As an author it's his job to strike a balance between the "realism" he wants to portray and making his readers so depressed and done with his heroine that they quit reading, and in my case, he absolutely failed.

Everything must be about her at all times. Skug is having personal problems? Fuck him, they're about her now. Everything is about how it affects her, and her feelings, and be damned to the person actually having the problem. Fucks phase 2 val cain gives about anyone except herself: 0

Bitter and jaded. Which yeah I get why but it's like jesus christ what do we get out of reading about this? It's not even good bitter and jaded where it makes you empathise or admire her strength in adversity or whatever, she's just become a really nasty person with no redeeming features that I could see. Which? Landy outright said she's based on his gf? If your boyfriend is gonna drag ur entire personality through the dirt like that and write "you" as just a collection of incredibly negative traits...yikes.

Really ungrateful about the awesome life she leads? Which bugs me bc I fucking hate mundanity and knowing that all there is to life is fucking working and bad mental health. I would kill to live her life. All she does is moan about it. Like? Quit then. Fuck off back to being a mortal if it's that bad and live the shitty life you wanted to get away from in the first place. That way we'd get no more books, and quite honestly, thank fuck for that. But anyway, she needs to pick one, stick with it, and stop complaining about whatever she chose.

The girl wallows in self pity. And if someone else isn't indulging her enough, she'll wallow harder and louder and more obviously. Yawn.

Her POV is now so depressing to read that Resurrection literally tanked my mental health. I'm not kidding. I fell off the self-harm wagon, the suicidal thoughts came back, reading her dissociating would make me dissociate, I just did not cope whatsoever. Being in her head was just like being in my head during my worst points, and I hate myself, so naturally, I hate her too. Like I get why some people like phase two val. I get that her depression is "realistic" and that trauma does just make some people completely dislikeable and self-pitying, and if people want to read about that, then...sure. you do you, my dudes. But I live that reality, I am that person whose trauma made her a dysfunctional, isolated bitch, and I hate, passionately, having it infest the media I consume to escape.

Essentially if I wanted to engage with a bitter, spiteful, depressed piece of shit in her 20s who pushes everyone away and sucks at everything, I'd live my gd life. Yall see me tryna engage with my real life? Hell nah I'm on tumblr dot com burying my head up the ass of whatever fandom will force my brain to produce some s e r o t o n i n and that is what I need this series for

Also? The dynamic she had with skug in phase one? "Until the end"? "You save me, I save you, that's how we work"? Forget that, it doesn't exist anymore. I stopped reading after Midnight, because she was written like he was a coworker she could barely tolerate. They went from "Lardo confirms on twitter that they talked on the phone a bunch while she was in america and he'd always ask her to come home" to "she comes home and proceeds to blank him for five months while she sits in her fuckin multimillionaire's mansion feeling sorry for herself". Their friendship completely disintegrated, they were totally separated for most of the book, she's written as not giving a single shit about him. She treated him like dirt, and their dynamic basically felt like it was becoming "Local Man With History Of Gravitating Towards Abusive Women Makes Same Terrible Choices For Fifth Time" and? that was the point of no return to me. he supports her unconditionally, no matter what he's going through at the time, he's walked on broken bones to try and get to her when she was in danger, she can tell him anything and he'd never use it against her. I did not, for one second in phase two, believe she felt the same about him. tbh it felt like she could - and wanted to - drop him at the first opportunity and not even feel bad about it, and that's not the dynamic that made me so emotionally attached to phase one. i signed up for "until the end", not whatever bullshit phase two has going on.

Apparently she's "less depressed" now and their relationship is "better" in the books published since midnight, which! might well be true. but I haven't read them and don't intend to, and she's gone from one of my favourite fictional characters ever (which! was impressive! because i almost never bond with the female lead - i normally get attached exclusively to the character i crush on, which would be skug here. val was the first female lead i actually cared about since xena! so im deeply salty about losing her!) to a character i? honestly prefer to pretend doesn't exist. i live in war era dead men/generals crackship land because that way, i don't have to acknowledge her or the fuckin character assassination phase 2 pulled on her.

so yeah, no hate towards phase one val at all. phase one val was awesome and flawed and gave me something to aspire to despite my shitty mental health and trauma, and if she'd kept her original personality she might still have been those things. but the original "real life" val is no longer involved (and doesn't talk to landy at all anymore, apparently), and the val based on landy's insufferable gf? i cannot get behind her at all ever, four for skug and none for phase two val cain bye

(tldr; you're not missing anything by quitting after spx)

[derekscorner]

Fiery Opinions: Conquest

Welcome back to my Fire Emblem adventure~

I wasn’t sure how to start this because I still believe that the game has been a passable experience and, to Conquest’s credit, I had more of an impression for it’s story.

Granted, accepting that Corrin willingly goes back to Nohr knowing full well that Garon tried to make her a bomb at worst and a terrorist at least is hard to swallow narratively. Even Corrin makes note of how bad this is and of Nohr’s actions so her going back to (more or less) ask “why tho?” is a bit silly.

It’s made worse by Garon just brushing it off and that being that. This is a very questionable and weak writing point that I found impossible to ignore. However, the other aspects of this story were more engaging/tense. I think this is partly due to the increased difficulty of the game. The other aspect is the intended regicide that undercoats the story. Logically, it would be easier to exploit your position as royalty to unmask a corrupt king and stop the evils being committed.

I also find the Nohrian siblings superior as a supporting cast. Their depth as characters isn’t that much deeper than Hoshido’s but the abusive environment and tight bond the siblings formed to endure it makes the bonds feel stronger. When I played and did supports I quickly discovered a family dynamic that’s formed. 

This is stated in Camilla-Xanders supports but you can also expand it and see the role each sibling has. Xander is the father figure and stoic center, he gives the siblings an ideal to support and a pseudo-father figure in place of Garon who has long died and become warped by Anankos.

Leo the an atypical second son. He’s typical in the sense he feels a jealousy or pressure to match Xander but he’s atypical because this did not warp him. He values the elder brother and fits the role of a hard working yet shy middle child.

He does what he can to help while trying to act cool but is easily flustered. Elisse is the baby of the family that is just purity incarnate. She feels like she doesn’t do much but doesn’t realize that her purity refreshes her older siblings who have to tread the line of Garons expectations. Just existing gives her elder siblings relief.

Camilla, despite being borderline insane, is the most complex. She was a victim of the succession struggles and her mothers drive for political power. This has emotionally starved her and made her clingy. In Conquest you learn that she is the emotional center of her family.

They go to her for support and to rant about their problems. She takes pride in this role as it gives her the importance she craves from loved ones and it gives loved ones a place to let go of their issues. Knowing this allowed me to see why she goes so wild in other routes. Her role and family is stripped from her and these things are what keeps her together. Take it away and her sanity goes with it.

I can understand why the Hoshidians love Corrin to the level that they do but Conquest did a good job of making believe that the Nohrians do too. Even if the Hoshido cast is weaker in my opinion. The children of Nohr absorbed Corrin into their circle of protectiveness and no matter how much one rips the writing apart I will consider that well done. With all that said, I still didn’t really feel attached to the Conquest cast either. Felicia has grown on me a little but outside the sibling circle I wasn’t drawn in by them.

I also dont have much else to add to the story in length so once more I shall bullet point my other story impressions:

Hans and Iago still stick around far too long but I do at least believe they would in this story. Garon’s there to protect them.

I still think Takumi and Jakob are assholes. I couldn’t even enjoy beating Takumi up as a final boss.

Unlike Birthright, I found use for all the Nohrian siblings and rather enjoyed them.

I thought going to some maps in reverse to Birthright was neat.

I find it a shame that three unit slots were used to bring over FEA characters.

Azura’s supports with Nohrian royalty is worth the effort.

Ryoma died like an honorable boss.

I thought it weak at first but later bought Azura’s defection to your side since she’s using it to get revenge on Garon. (in my mind)

There’s not much else I can say on the story from here. There’s stuff there but I went into Fates knowing the writing quality so I’m neither overly offended nor enamored with the story. Lets move onto gameplay.

Gameplay (oh no I suck)

I’ll start by saying that the game lives up to it’s more challenging and varied gameplay. I dont know how hard it is compared to older titles but I did struggle at times since I wasn’t used to some of these new objective types. I devolved into save scum quite a bit just because I didn’t want to redo a 20 something run back to the start. lol

I did start and finish on Normal-Casual since I’m new to these strategic rpgs. I also took the time to find a video to break down Fates new mechanics after my tangent from the previous post which came in handy for Conquest. To be honest I should’ve done it during Birthright itself but it was easy enough to blow through that game while Conquest required me to educate my dumb self. I dont quite understand all the mechanics but I do understand them better if nothing else.

I was able to appreciate the Pair mechanic more due to this. I loved it in FEA despite how broken it was and I dislike it’s absence in 3 Houses so Conquest feels like the best refinement of the system. I now know to pair units for defense, stand them adjacent for attack, or that S ranks will value their lover over their ally. I didn’t mention it in the other post either so I should state that the mechanic being available to enemy units is a great addition.

It makes little sense logically, if I can pair units wouldn’t my enemy? The shield meter is also a fine addition since it guarantees protection for one turn but you have to build it up and if not used it will deplete. All of these things factor in and make pairing a more strategic addition and I’m sad they threw it out over refining it further.

If I had one complaint it’d be that I felt the enemy got some BS RNG luck due to paired units but I also think that part of this is my own flawed knowledge of it and the new way weapons are utilized. I’m frustrated to see my units randomly one hit-KO’d but I honestly can’t tell if it’s BS or me being inept.

Speaking of weaponry, I was happier than I thought I’d be to see classic weapons and jobs. I applaud the Devs for trying new things but something about the Hoshido classes weren’t as appealing. The classic weapons helped me understand the new weapon wheel and stats better. In part due to playing Birthright first, in other part due to familiarity.

I knew that iron weapons are you’re all-rounder common weapon, bronze/brass were weaker no benefits other than dodge, steel has more power but less follow ups, etc. I now kept a variety of weapons on my team and tried to have the defensive ones set as often as I can. (such as using Corrin’s dragon-stone)

I do still prefer the breakable weapon model in FEA or 3H but I would not mind this returning with refinement in later games. Especially the idea of reverse weapons that defy their weapon wheel nature.

Back to jobs, I also had an easier time progressing my units due to familiarity but I also dislike the new way seals and leveling is done. I understand that they wanted to nerf FEA’s Second Seal but I think they overcompensated. If the Second Seals weakness was an infinite loop of level reset then just take that way.

New seals in Fates do not reset level, just apply this to the second seal or create a third seal that can reset levels but only in specific conditions. (such as heavily hampering stats)

Alternatively, raise the base level for jobs to 30 so that you can more freely use the nerf Second Seals. Having some classes that reach 99 and some that do not still bothers me since I do not know the limit of what to plan for. If every jobs had a level 30 cap I’d have wiggle room to stick to my advanced class or choose a new one with a nerf’d Second Seal. (which doesn’t reset level)

I’m sure my idea has flaws easy for older fans to pick apart but it’s just a ‘off-the-top-of-my-head’ solution to an issue I have. Lets move on~

Other general impressions I’d have for the gameplay fall to stuff I mentioned previously. Such as reinforcement spam, I can adjust to it and it’s not a thorn in my side too often but I do think it’s worse than FEA’s. I also think maps are still a bit too large but I’ve adjusted to them and I’d honestly have a map that’s too big over one that’s too small like in 3H.

New impressions unique to Conquest is that I like the variety of mission objectives. I also used the Ballista job this run and came to enjoy it a lot for its Opportunity Shot skill and it’s unique look. I didn’t mention it last time but I also love the Witch job. The little animation of their hat holds my attention for some reason.

I figured I’d have more to add or say for this expansion but I got most of my words out of the way with Birthright. Conquest was more akin to a learning curve helping me learn the combat better which lead to the majority of additional comments being on story/cast. Story had one big questionable moment but was okay after and I enjoy the cast more.

So with this done I shall now move onto Revelations and see what impression it puts upon me after completing Birthright and Conquest.

====

Editors Note: This is part three of my trip through fire emblem. You’ll find the others here: Fiery Opinions <--(link)

[toxicsamruby]

hello! i have to ask: what do you think about supernatural au's where monsters don't exist/monster hunting is not a thing? do you think the characters could even exist out of that realm? i honestly have conflicting views on this because on one hand i do enjoy the character dynamics but i also feel it would be wrong to just take away something that is fundamental to this show, idk though

i LOVE this question. thank you. im going to write a very long post now

obviously there are infinite ways to interpret a story, right? but sam and dean (and castiel too of course) as characters are completely inextricable from their backstories, and their backstories are inextricable from themes of transience, poverty, loneliness, violence, familial duty, masculinity, otherness, american protestantism, horror, humanity, and monstrosity. i dont think that it’s Wrong to take away the monster hunting as an element in the story, but i DO think it would be bad storytelling to do so bc the fact is that these characters w these personalities wouldnt EXIST without a few VERY crucial plot points/themes. and thats a GOOD thing!! say what u will abt the writers (and i do. i do) but the early seasons do an EXCELLENT job of building characters who are inseparable from their stories, characters whose every action is reflective of the Story itself in a bigger sense, characters who are interesting because of the way that they’re used to tell that bigger Story. there’s a sense of cohesiveness between character and theme and narrative, and removing one of these aspects would lessen the other two. that is the mark of good storytelling (that, in my opinion, distinguishes seasons 1 and MAYBE 2 from all the rest; although funnily enough i think castiel’s arc in s4 is the best example of what im talking about outside of s1-2. but anyways).

without these crucial themes and narratives, who ARE sam and dean? why do they even matter? what’s the value of them as characters? aus that strip away all those VERY important themes and plot points strip away the actual artistic value of the characters, and reduces them to objects of the audience’s emotional whims. the only reason u have any affection for these characters in aus is because you know and understand the source material, and you remember why those characters STARTED to matter to u in the first place. this is something that happens in a lot of fanfiction i think: the most essential themes of the original work are ignored for the sake of emotionally expedient scenarios where both writer and reader can clock out of having to do a bigger analysis of the story and just focus on, for example, a certain ship getting together and/or having sex, or a certain character getting a happy ending. and like i wont deny that theyre fun to read! they are essentially transplanting already-developed characters from their already-developed stories into a new fun scenario without the themes and narratives that actually made the characters compelling. and sure, sometimes a truly good author offers us a compelling new set of themes and narratives, ones that are interesting and make us think, but i’d argue that the characters in those rare good fics are 1. not...really the same characters from the show, since the story they’re in has been so completely transformed 2. basically shortcuts for the author to cut their teeth on writing original fiction. in any case, a vast majority of fics that remove the themes and narratives of the original story DONT offer a truly satisfying replacement, so the point is almost moot.

my answer, in short, is that aus without monster hunting destroy the character-theme-narrative cohesion that all good stories require, and by extension doesn’t require either author or reader to think critically about the story as a whole. you know that joke that goes around about supernatural just being a crate full of toys that we’re all sitting around and playing barbie dolls with? that is what the fics ur talking about basically are. it isn’t seriously engaging with a story as a piece of art, it’s grabbing a few barbies from a box and putting them in different clothes. and i think the fact that supernatural does fall apart both thematically and narratively so early in its incredibly long runtime is what allows people to treat it as a box of dolls, because most of the time it seems like the writers themselves treat the show as a box of dolls instead of a story that deserves respect and care and thought. so i actually do understand the urge to play with the barbies, so to speak, and to a certain extent i dont even think it’s a bad thing. but i DO think that sometimes, especially online, ESPECIALLY with a show like this where the lines between genuine engagement with the text and playing barbie dolls gets so blurred, people actually start to lose track of which is which, and THATS what irritates me. people start to view the ENTIRE STORY as just a way to see their personal favorite character do what they want that character to do. the character (and their emotional attachment to said character) becomes the whole reason for the story, instead of the story being the reason for the characters. playing barbie dolls is fine! but it DOES need to be balanced out with actual engagement, with literary analysis, with criticism if the story needs it (and my GOD does supernatural need criticism!), and there needs to be an understanding of the difference between genuine analysis and personal loyalty to a character. 

like, not to be a snob or anything, but it is important to engage truthfully and fairly with a text. things arent good just because you want them to be good, and stories can only offer you genuine satisfaction and critical/artistic growth if you truly engage with them. engaging with supernatural means thinking/writing about monsters and the Other, and to remove monstrosity as a theme and narrative hollows out the story completely.

[littlefoxwithbighat]

Hi! This is talking about the plot of the dream smp in a meta sense and its a bit negative. The person behind this blog wants to remind you that you can skip if it's not for you and they still love the SMP. :)

ALL DISCUSSION IS ABOUT CHARACTERS. DON'T ATTACK CCS OR I WILL STEAL YOUR KNEECAPS.

I can't lie; I'm really annoyed and worried at the way the writers are handling Tommys character at the moment, and am increasingly concerned about it messing up the plot.

I wasn't very happy with the finale. I don't think that means all is lost, I think they can pull it back but it's going to take some work. I was worried about the way that things were handled before but the green festival was actually very well handled, so my worries were mostly assuaged. But yesterday? I don't know.

The fact nobody lost a cannon death is kind of disappointing. The weight of blowing up an entire city/ (country?) brutally is somewhat lost if there is no human loss. Nobody was hurt physically and the only people this had a big mental impact on was Tommy and Tubbo, everyone else wasn't very attached to L'manburg or had gone rogue, or were detatched from the while situation. And maybe it's the fact it's happened to them before or that they still have each other or that it seems odd/ frustrating that they still care so much about this place or that it was always a losing battle and they knew it, but I dont find myself really pitying them like I probably should. And I think that comes down to character growth or lack thereof, which I'll discuss later.

Niki and Fundy have started a villain arc, or at least a violent nihilism arc, and I actually don't mind it, in fact I'm a fan but it wasnt really foreshadowed, or really just showing them cracking as much as it should have been. I would guess this has mostly been started for both of them to tie Niki into the plot and I can't blame her for wanting that. Fundys acting is very good, and I REALLY hope the writers handle this well. For Fundy, regarding the fact that his father is going to be resurrected and that Fundy is following in his footsteps... If the writers don't realise that connection and make this a big step in Fundys narrative I will scream. Also Funboo bros are very interesting character foils and I hope their relationship is maintained so that they can play of off each other and also man I just really want them to keep being friends, it's a generally positive healthy relationship that makes both characters sympathetic and we need that right now. As for Niki, her character motivations seem to be mostly centered around Tommy and on the one hand I'm like ehhhh, because Tommy's character already gets a disproportionate amount of attention in terms of narrative, and I get it, but recently he's been a bit TOO much of the protagonist for a multi-person POV improve server... and I'm apprehensive. However on the other hand this has potential for a nice confrontation between Tommy and Niki. If that happens I want Tommy to be aware that this is going to happen and not talk over Niki, and I don't want it to be brushed over. I think it would be best if it was just the two of them. This also gives a nice chance for Tommy to examine his trauma with Dream and explain his motivations and Niki to get her anger out. I also want it to end positively, because it absolutely can and lack of communication when the viewer knows how to fix it is OK as a plot device sometimes but incredibly frustrating if it keeps happening (cough, Tommy and Techno).

Ranboo is reacting to the plot amazingly and I have as usual only praise for him, go, you funky enderman boy, go.

Wilbur is getting resurrected which is a thousand percent because Will wants the plot back and honestly I don't really mind, I think he'll do a good job. However I really hope he speaks to everybody about their characters, particularly Fundy, Ranboo and Niki because I don't want their characterisation and arcs to be thrown away.

Tubbo is doing very well, and I don't have many complaints to be honest. I hope he continues to get in with the acting with no shame, because he's an amazing VA when he wants to be, but sometimes he undercuts serious moments a little too much by laughing. Same criticism for Phil actually. But both are doing good.

On the theme of that, while I don't mind tension relievers or humour in serious moments there are sometimes too many. It was a lot worse about a month back and it was improving, but it seems to be creeping back in and ehhh. It's kind of Marvel-esque and not in a good way? I think it has a lot to do with bloopers and for some reason there are loads at the moment? Like Wilburs arc had almost none and this arc there's at least 2 every moment. Which isn't always their fault but maybe they need to take more steps to prevent them.

Techno is doing OK, he's quite a meta character so I'm not too mad about him undercutting serious moments but sometimes he does do it too much or in the wrong place. Like making jokes about Connor completely over the top of Tommy and Tubbos reunion, you know an event which has been foreshadowed for yoinks, prevented them from getting a proper flow going and kind of ruined it. And that made the reunion really dissapointing, which is a shame because it could have been so cool. However his characterisation is consistent and dedicated, his goals and relationships are clear and he's getting humanised more which is nice, and his monologues are great. I'm curious to see what he does now NL'M is gone but I have total faith in him.

Now Tommy. Oh Tommy. His character is such a mess at the moment, which is a shame because there were moments I saw people doubting his character choices and I was behind him.

Firstly the relationship with Techno fell apart. That was inevitable. Tommy didn't care about anarchy and Techno didn't care about the discs and both of their goals would impede the others. But the way Tommy talks about Techno is so... No? And now I understand that Tommy is going to have a biased perspective on the whole situation, and that's fine and good, but his character is so wrong about Techno it feels weird and painful? Like even from his perspective it went down differently to how he talks about it. They don't listen to each other and it's like watching two people scream at a wall.

The issue is the relationship was fairly well developed. I struggle to see Tommy saying he saw Techno as a friend but Techno never saw him as a friend because hold on, what? Techno, here's a respiration helmet because of that one of thing you told me about your trauma, a disc because those make you happy, plus top tier armour and weaponry, plus I'm going to spend time with you, calm you down from panic attacks, hide you and protect you from Dream, let you wander around L'manburg and achieve your own goals and help you plan things out Techno and Tommy didn't get ANYTHING from that? Plus after Techno opens up about his goals and his trauma, do the one thing that would hurt him the most, (use and then betray him) and then directly oppose his goals after he helped me? Ugh. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know he would never let Tubbo get hurt and thats fine, but there were ways around that. If you're framing this character as the protagonist, then he needs to be sympathetic or at least grow and Tommy using Techno again without remorse and then refusing to listen to his perspective or show any gratitude for anything makes it difficult for viewers to empathise with him in my opinion. Have him betray Techno and then listen to Techno when he explains why Tommys betrayal hurt him and apologise, fine. Have him listen to Techno and try and find a way to keep Tubbo safe regardless, fine. Have him betray Techno but apologetically and still trying to avoid Techo getting crushed or killed, fine. But THIS? Im sympathetic towards Tommys character but this throws away so much potential character development for Tommy, where at least he saw Techno as a person, and not only that but a nice person who despite everything has set aside everything to help him? And then for him to be exactly where he was at the end of season 1, both literally, and emotionally ? I understand this is a child soldier with trauma but this is supposed to be our protagonist and if he doesn't grow, and isn't sympathetic and destroys someone we care about, how can we root for him?

Now all of this could be forgivable, not great, but forgivable, if Tommy had moved on from the discs. The Goddamn Discs™. And the worse part is all the dominoes were lined up to suggest he had! We had his moment of "he watched me" where he realised Dream was the villain and controlling him, "I've become worse than everyone I hated" good, amazing, I see where this is going, "The discs were worth more than you ever were!" and then he retracts and apologises and you think horray! Tommy has realised the discs were being used to control him and if he doesn't care about them, they hold no value! Now he's going to realise that his friends are more important and he's going to stop going after the discs. His new character motivation can be killing Dream and protecting his friends, especially Tubbo. It's clearly angled this way, and this way the plot progresses and Tommy with it. What marvellous character development. Look at him go.

And THEN, after everything that's happened he says the most important thing is the disc and I want them back!?!? EH !!? Why... Who... Who gave the OK on that writing decision? That's so static and boring and unsympathetic! And then he's back to asking people do fight for L'manburg? What?

I'll be honest I was kind go hoping either Tommy or Tubbo would die with L'manburg. I didn't mind it they didn't, there are a thousand ways to make the plot work without them dying, but this was not a great one.

PLEASE let Tommy have some growth. Yes he's had some from not caring about L'manburg to fighting for it in season one, but that was ages ago and he doesnt seem to have changed since then in any way that really counts. And I know this is harsh and he's traumatised but you have to understand I am talking about this in a sense of characters and narrative and NOT in terms of real life. Tommy needs to be better and dynamic because he is a charcacter and I want him to be a good one.

Having said all that, here are my thoughts on the future of the SMP.

Firstly, I am worried that becuse it is such a good source of content, especially for Tommy that they will never ever kill his character and leave him fighting with Dream for eternity. And I love the Dream SMP but I've seen stories that get dragged out for plot or content, and however much you think you want it to never end, let me tell you, yes you do. It will get stale and repetitive and I want the dream smp, or at least Tommys arc to go out with a beautiful and brilliant and fabulous plot ending instead of being dragged into the dirt. And then maybe new characters take the spotlight. Just please god give it a goode ending.

I also really hope they don't throw other things away to make Tommy the centre of attention, especially if it's destructive to the plot, or kind of weird and obnoxious.

Secondly, I am intrigued about the prison and Schlatts book to Dream and Technos favour and the egg and what that entails and I hope they really think through those plot points carefully and make them work, and don't forget them or throw them away.

Thirdly, I am intrigued for Wilburs return and hope that he manages to fix it cohesively without too crazy a change of pace and style and keeping characters (especially Ranboo and Fundy and Niki) consistent.

I hope they prep for the future and think things thought and communicate with each other.

It might be interesting to see other countries finally discussed but I don't know how much that would intefere with other plot points so we'll see.

That's all! Reminder that this is about characters and plot and this is just a few criticisms. I love the dream smp, but there are somethings I wanted to get of my chest. Please be respectful and feel free to discuss in the notes. Also, again, no hate to any CCs!

[hela-avenger]

poison & wine- part 20

Author: hela-avenger

Word Count: 1664

Summary: Prince Loki of Asgard is in need of a date to take back home. That’s where you come in with a task of your own to make the whole trip with an insufferable prince worth it. Too bad that things don’t always go as planned and you end up giving more than you can take. Fake-Dating AU.

A/N:  Thanks for reading and commenting everyone! Please send me a message/ask if you’ll like to be tagged!

poison & wine masterlist

You were putting the final touches on Loki’s shirt when the doors swing open. Loki comes rushing in, out of breath, quickly tugging his leather coat off. The girls are startled by the act but it doesn’t dissuade the prince from undressing. 

“Ladies,” Loki greets as he tugs off his vest next. “Unless you would like to catch a show, I suggest you make yourself scarce.” 

“Loki!” you shout in alarm but he simply grins in response and shrugs. 

The girls had been in the midst of doing your hair which they quickly finished up at Loki’s insistence. Lynn and Datya were trying to suppress their giggling while Iana looked stressed. 

“My lady,” she calls out to you. “We are meant to help you get ready for the banquet.” 

“She won’t need your assistance,” Loki answers for you as he perched himself on the edge of his bed. His shirt was partly undone revealing a hint of his bare chest. “I can lend my dear lady a hand.” 

Iana doesn’t look up to meet your stare. Her focus remains on the floor. She gives you a nod and finally takes her leave closing the doors behind her. 

The moment you’re alone you turn towards the prince. 

“Was that really necessary?” you ask him. You’re trying to be serious but he’s making it hard as he grins up at you. “Do you know what you just did?”

“Giving them the impression that I’m here to ravish you?” Loki chuckles out as he resumes to unbutton his shirt. “Yes, indeed I did. It was my entire intention.” 

He peels off his shirt and you quickly turn away from him. 

“But why?” 

“Keeping up with the pretenses,” Loki explains as he approaches your seat on his vanity. “You do recall we are faking to be in love and with love comes passion… desire...” You feel his breath on your ear as he leans in next to you. “...lust.” 

You shiver and elbow him away from you. 

“I uh… I really don’t know how you want me to respond to that.” 

Loki shrugs and takes a step away from you. Your reaction to his words hadn’t gone unseen by him. 

“Have you ever been physically intimate with someone?” 

You stab yourself with the needle at his question. 

“Ow, what the…” you press the small bleeding wound to your lips. The small sour taste of iron filling your tongue. “Why are you asking me that?” 

“Curiosity,” Loki answers simply as he stares at you through the mirror. “Come on. You can tell me. We’re friends now.” 

You shake your head at him but saw no harm in giving him an answer. 

“Not that it matters, but yes I have,” you tell him as your focus returns to his shirt. 

“Hmm,” Loki hums. “Did you sleep with that soldier of yours?” 

You glare at him in response. 

“I take that as a no,” Loki grins. “How come?” 

You hesitate to answer him this time. 

You had been surprisingly quite vulnerable with him in this trip but your history with Bucky was something meant just for you and him. You don’t even think Steve knew how deep your connection with him really was. 

“I uh… I’ve had my string of lovers in the past centuries,” you explain to the prince. “But only because of moments of weakness when I crave companionship. It was all physical though. Nothing ever extended to an emotional level.” 

“But the soldier was different?” 

You knot the emerald string before cutting it. The shirt was finally done with every embroidered detail in place. 

“The soldier indeed was different,” you answer as you turn to look at him. “Bucky and I, we were companions in a bloody war. It was hard not to get emotionally involved especially since he was just so charming. And we danced and kissed and… I know we both wanted more but we knew better than to get too attached. We were right in the end seeing as he was killed… or well not killed. You know what I mean...” 

“Sounds like you loved him.” 

You shrug hesitant to agree.

“It was the closest thing I’ve ever gotten to being in love,” you confess. “It was nice.” 

You stand up from your vanity and present to him the shirt you had dedicated yourself to make for him. 

“Have you ever been in love?” you ask as you present the shirt for him to put on. He tenses up at the question.

“No, I have not,” Loki answers as he buttons his shirt up. “I am a man who needs order and love… well love seems like a chaotic emotion to have.” 

You hum in response as you fixed his collar. You hope to catch sight of a scar but his back is still under an illusion he conjured. Loki doesn’t notice your curiosity as he inspects the shirt in surprise. 

“You did all of this?” he asks as he takes in his reflection in the mirror. The shirt was a simple white button down but you had embroidered two green snakes entangled by gold thorns on the collar. “By hand?” 

“Yeah,” you answer, happy that all your work paid off. “I did.” 

You take in your work yourself and are relieved to see that it wouldn’t need any last minute adjustments. 

“Fits perfectly,” Loki comments. 

“It does,” you answer. “The girls were making their own replicas. Iana managed to finish the black one but Lynn and Datya left scraps of the green one. I can have those shirts finished and embroidered by tomorrow if you like.” 

“If you feel the need then why not,” Loki responds as he continues to appraise his reflection. “Good job, pet.” 

“Don’t call me pet,” you snap at him as you enter the closet to pull out a gown for you to wear. Loki was basically ready for the banquet while you had much to do yourself seeing as your help was sent away. “Did you find anything about my dad today while communing with the royal court?”

“I’ve asked around,” Loki sighs out. “Unsurprising, they all had no clue of what I was referring to.” 

You step out of the closet with a dress of your choosing this time. Loki is once again taken by surprise and you chuckle. 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” 

Instead of dishing it back to you, Loki just nods. 

“Asgardian fashion suits you,” he responds quickly clearing his throat and turning away from you. ���I have something for you to wear.”

You scowl trying to figure out what he could possibly have for you. He pulls his leather coat on which seems to bring back the mischievous Loki you are used to dealing with. 

“Come on, we’re friends now,” Loki motions you forward. “I’m not going to do anything to you.” 

“You’re a really demanding friend,” you mutter under your breath as you make your way towards him. “What do you have for me?” 

Loki reveals a sheath meant to house the dagger he had yet to give to you. You frown at the sight of the ugly hanging leather strap that you were meant to wear as a purse. 

“That is hideous.” 

“Well, you have to wear it,” Loki mutters as he tries to hand it to you.

“Can’t I wear one of those thigh strap-on thingies?” you offer as you avoid taking it. “Like the one Natasha wears?” 

Loki sighs as he thinks it over but the dagger had to be visible which meant you would have to be willing to show it. 

 “I know what you’re referring to but it is quite scandalous.” 

“Isn’t that what I’m here for?” you answer. “To rile people up? Especially your father?”

Loki chuckles in agreement and with a shift of his hands the sheath in his hands shifts into the one you wanted.

“Perfect!” you exclaim as you shift your leg out of the slit the dress had. “So I’ll just…” 

“Allow me,” Loki interrupts you as he kneels down beside you. 

You still as his hands gently wrap the leather thigh strap around you. Your skin erupts into goosebumps and you hold your breath as Loki tightens it to your comfort. 

You're surprised the man can be gentle but you shouldn’t be. In your fake courtship, Loki has managed to be gentle when it came to you even more so now that you two seemed to be on the same page. 

“You’ll have to be careful,” he tells you as he stands. “The dagger is quite sharp. One wrong move in placing it in your sheath and you will harm yourself quite seriously.” 

“Right,” you swallow as you try to be unaffected by him. “Speaking of the dagger, where is it?” 

“With me,” Loki answers. 

“Can I see it?” you ask as you pat his jacket down for a clue. 

The leather made it hard to feel if anything was there and Loki is quick to put your investigation to an end as he grabs a hold of your wandering hands.

“No.” 

“Why not?” you pout. “You’re wearing the shirt I made and I can’t wear my dagger?” 

“It’s meant to be a gift,” Loki states as he peered down at you. “I have to present it to the royal court first before I can give it to you. Royal traditions and what not.” 

You’re still pouting at his explanation and he wonders if that has ever helped you get your way. It seems to almost be working on him when a knock on the door pulls his attention away. 

“It’s time for us to go,” Loki states as he lets your hands go. He hadn’t realized he still had them pinned against his chest. “You ready?” 

You nod knowing there was no point in trying to decipher his recent behavior change. You simply chalk it up to his newfound attempt of being your friend. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

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[celestialselfdiscovery]

hey! great blog, its really inspiring and just awesome. might u have any tips on how to make a new reality posible in which u dont focus on what puts u down anymore an share them if u do?

You have a very good question and I appreciate you asking; the answer is incredibly simple. More simple than people realize.... but today with this answer- that will all change. Suppose your goal is to create a new reality, but you also do not want to focus attention on what’s negative- that is a great intention, and the answer to your question is within your question!! Every human being has what they call “a subconscious mind” - more and more evidence is coming out from quantum physicists (scientific research/studies) that proves that since everything in the world is made out of energy particles, and energy particles are easily manipulated. Matter/solid objects are also made out of energy particles. Like water for example, water can be solid like ice, or invisible/see through/untouchable like vapor, energy comes in many forms. Thoughts and emotions are forms of energy too. How does this tie into the subconscious mind you may ask? The subconscious mind is a data bank that collects/records/recorded everything that you have ever been exposed to in your life ever since you’re born, everything you see with your eyes, everything you hear with your ears, everything you think about, everything you feel emotionally, everything you say out of your mouth, everything you aren’t paying attention to but you’re exposed to, the music lyrics you’re listening to, the things you read on the news or stories, every single bit of information from your environment is being absorbed into your subconscious as a form of HYPNOSIS, meaning EVERYTHING in life is a subliminal download to program your subconscious mind. Why does this matter? Because everything you are living out/experiencing RIGHT NOW- IS THE MANIFESTATION/creation of data/info that’s been downloaded into your subconscious mind.  The future (every second that occurs is the future) is created based on what’s being absorbed through your subconscious. Do you know what that means? It means that YOU have ALL the power and control to decide on what YOU want to create in YOUR experience/reality/life/future by YOU deciding on what YOU want to focus your attention on. It’s really that simple, if something doesn’t make you feel good- your intuition is screaming “don’t give attention to that!! stop it!! focus on what makes you happy!!” - when you are feeling good, I call THAT “following your intuition”. Feeling bad=not following your intuition. If something makes you feel bad, there is NO reason to give ANY attention to things that make you feel that way. STOP feeding that energy, the more you feed into that negative energy- THE MORE YOU ARE CREATING IT INTO YOUR REALITY. In a book by Abraham Hicks I’ve read this sentence stood out to me “Worrying is using your imagination to create what you DON’T want.”  You know the best part? Your subconscious mind CANNOT tell from what is called a “truth” or a “lie”. It’s ONLY purpose is to RECORD->CREATE->RECORD->CREATE(repeat). You do NOT need to feed your subconscious mind with “Truths” that DO NOT make you feel good. If you wanted a puppy, and saying “I don’t have a puppy” just because it’s true even thought it doesn’t make you feel good- you are programming your subconscious mind to create MORE situations in your life where you STILL don’t have a puppy. If you practice saying to yourself, thinking about, imagining how good it feels “I have a puppy” (even if it’s what people would call a “lie” ) - the subconscious mind downloads THAT information, energy particles that you’re emitting from those thoughts and emotions are manipulating energy in the universe (like wifi internet or tv particles for the tv to have something projected or the radio to hear music) to create a circumstance for you where you have manifested a puppy into your life!! Don’t say stuff like “I need a chair” when you want a chair either, because by saying “I need” it’s implying that you STILL “NEED” that (I used chair as an example but you can use money, or love, or a job, etc in the example to get the point). The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between you joking either, so never joke to yourself by saying “haha I’m so dumb” because you will unintentionally stummon situations in your life where you’re going to feel exactly that way- “dumb”.     All of this really means is the best tip is that you should do your best to pay attention to 1) what makes you feel good vs what doesn’t. Then ONLY do what makes YOU feel good. 2) Pay attention to what you allow your subconscious mind to get exposed to, if you’re listening to a song and it has negative lyrics about negative circumstances- you’re literally hypnotizing your subconscious mind by listening to those lyrics to create negative situations/feelings. Even if the song is a Bop, if the lyrics are shitty, then it’s a song to drop. Reading negative news ONLY PERPETUATES MORE NEGATIVITY INTO THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PROGRAMMING THEIR MINDS WITH THE NEGATIVE INFORMATION , FEELING NEGATIVE ABOUT IT, AND HUMANS ARE BEING USED (I know this will come off as conspiracy, but governments/positions of corrupt power KNOW this for centuries) Humans are being USED to create/perpetuate more negativity and destruction in the world. (side note, please get your news from https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org ) 3) Once you are more aware of your own thoughts, your own feelings, and you’re taking action steps to program your OWN subconscious by speaking/saying/talking about things that you love, by reading things that you love and make you feel good, by looking at pictures of things that you love and make you feel good, anything where you are using your thoughts, ears, eyes, voice to program positive things into your subconscious mind is a form of SELF HYPNOSIS because you are programming your subconscious mind like a computer, by you making sure you download information that ONLY MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD-  through repetition, your subconscious will eventually use your NEW POSITIVE PROGRAMS to override OLD UNFILTERED previously downloaded information from when you used to live in what I call “auto pilot mode” and THIS is the REAL way to use “Law of Attraction”. “Law of Attraction” is just a froofroo la di da word that symbolizes what is NATURALLY SCIENTIFICALLY IN NATURE OCCURRING SINCE THE BEGINNING OF HUMANITY. 4) Because you’re aware of your thoughts, program your own subconscious and you only follow what makes you feel good, if you begin to notice for some reason “negative thoughts would randomly pop up” and you recognize that it can’t possibly be your own thoughts because you have set the intention to only think about positive things- then you must know that those negative thoughts are NOT your own but energetic interference from energetic (low vibration) beings that feed off of negative human energy, these beings exist among humans in their own dimension that (for now) is invisible to the human eye, some people call them demons/ghosts, but what they really are is one of the races of multidimensional aliens. (there are high vibration aliens and there are low vibration ones that work with corrupt positions of powers such as governments) If you’ve ever seen the show “adventures with Rick and Morty” and have seen their portal gun- life is something similar to that. (There are multiple dimensions and multiple timelines and multiple dimensions of each timeline etc) Life is surely stranger than fiction for sure.... Anyway!! These nasty ass low vibe aliens feed off of negative energy (like in the movie Monsters Inc, the monsters use kids screams (the kids fear) as electricity for their world. But to discover that higher vibration laughs are a lot more powerful (very symbolic undertone in the movie)) That’s why I brought up the conspiracy about how humans are intentionally being used to create more negativity because these low life filth demons feed off of the negativity.  These negative beings are capable of using telepathy to attempt to program your subconscious mind by telepathically planting negative thought formations into your mind (some people call these, intrusive thoughts, in worst cases, this manifests as schizophrenia ) Depression is a great example of possession/or a low vibe alien/demon attached to a human host utilizing the human as a battery pack by continuing to feed negative thoughts to the human host, the human host accepts these thought forms as their own, thus programming their subconscious to create more things to be negative about in their life. (I used to struggle with depression/suicidal thoughts for years until someone else told me about the existence of these alien beings and how the subconscious mind works and I INTENTIONALLY focused on making sure I destroyed/eliminated negative thoughts as soon as they would try to enter my mind and I would IMMEDIATELY replace the negative thought with positive thoughts to “exorcise” the entity.) If the negative entity cannot control you, and you do not emit negative emotions/energy, then the negative energy literally cannot feed off you!! However, if you’re around other people and they don’t control themselves like you do- they have the potential to have entities already feeding off them to attempt to poke your buttons/provoke you back into negativity in order to jump from one human host to another (you). Don’t let those dirty bastards distract you from creating your lovely new reality of positive possibilities!! Love you!!

[scatterpatter]

Some expanded thoughts on FF7R under the cut [SPOILERS]

So! Overall I freaking LOVED the remake and I can’t wait to see the rest! Midgar feels so alive and expanded, you really feel attached to everyone, it’s... muah! Honestly a lot of the points I’m gonna make are more nitpicks than anything. I won’t make any commentary on the gameplay because I watched a let’s play instead of playing by myself(im broke and cant afford a PS4 and $60 game >_>)

So the designs are GORGEOUS... no, the entire GAME is gorgeous. Midgar looks so good and detailed, there’s so much great implementation of color theory! Cloud is sooooo good looking!!! Barret and Aerith and Sephiroth are all GORGEOUS! Reno Rude Tseng and Rufus.. AAAA!!! The only slight complain I have is that- okay so Tifa looks AWESOME, but I honestly wish she wasn’t so skinny. Like she’s a melee fighter, but her waist and arms are so thin! I wish they gave her a bit more tone and muscle, but, oh well. I honestly can’t stop staring at the character models they look SO good

Plot-wise, I really like most of the changes/additions they made! Especially with Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. They’re wonderful and I love them and did I mention that I love them because they’re just so dorky!!! And good!!!

Honestly, I like that Aerith is actually written to be likeable. I know that doesn’t seem like much but a lot of games fall into the trap of telling you that you’re supposed to like the female protag(looking at you, Breath of the Wild) or tell you that she’s a strong character, but they fail to show that, so the player feels like they’re just being told to get attached. Aerith, though, is actually really likeable in this game!!! She’s cute and down-to-earth, really dorky and even snarky, easily seeing past Cloud’s tough-guy act, and she can fight! It’s just so nice to see a game that shows a strong female protag instead of just telling you.

Legit everyone is horny for Cloud and I’m so here for it

Okay so like. I love Roche. I didn’t at first but he quickly grew on me. He’s so awfully chaotic and I just- I love him. I’m mad that he was just kinda forgotten, though. Like! He could’ve shown up at the ending chase!!!

THEY REALLY WROTE HOJO TO BE AS CREEPY AS POSSIBLE HUH. Like I’m not complaining because like he’s basically the reason why everything happened, but! Ahhhh he makes me squirm he’s a creep with a gross science fetish and I wanna stab himmmmm

Okay so. President Shinra is a little bit TOO stereotypically evil? Like having a gold statue of himself and not even caring about sabotaging one of his own reactors when one little console gets destroyed??? Like it’s almost comical how evil he’s written to be. Though, I do like the scene where he calls Barret out on his ideals, that was neat!

Nowww, Heidegger Scarlet Palmer and Reeve? MUAH. Heidegger and Scarlet are written so sadistically but like in such a likeable way, especially Heidegger. God I hate them both but you just love to hate them!!! Palmer is HILARIOUS- I love how he’s written to be the spoiled kid whose parents forced the other kids to include him so he’s just there even though he doesn’t do anything. And Reeve? Well...

SO REEVE IS MY FAVORITE ATM SINCE WE DON’T HAVE VINCENT YET, AND REEVE IS JUST... <3 <3 <3 Okay so first off, his design is perfect. He doesn’t really stand out in the same way that Heidegger Scarlet and Palmer do. He just has a normal build, normal suit, normal hair slicked back- he just looks like a normal employee, totally inconspicuous... which is very fitting considering how he ends up being undercover and needs to look inconspicuous ;)

Though Reeve shows clear signs of overworking himself and being emotionally abused by his coworkers which... sucks. I mean it’s good writing but I feel so awful for him- Like you know it’s bad when someone just has to hold up a hand to get you to shut up and sit down. I like that he tries to do good things but steps down when he’s told to, that he’s empathetic but cowardly. It does a great job at setting up his character arc in future chapters <3

Okay so one thing- I thought the build-up for the plate dropping was amazing, but honestly... the plate itself falling was slightly underwhelming, to be completely honest. Like- I just didn’t feel the impact that a plate falling would have! Mainly because, you don’t see a single death which is interesting. Like you see people running from falling debris, but legit not a single death is implied. Honestly? I thought the scene would have been far more impactful if they showed:

Seventh Heaven actually being destroyed

The people topside reacting to the ground beneath them collapsing and them falling to their deaths(They only tried to evacuate Sector 7 slums! Not the topside!!!)

More people actually being implied to have been crushed(No, Im not counting Wedge). Like in the original FF7 there’s a scene where someone’s watching tv and you see the plate falling from outside the window- and there’s a reporter just doing his normal shit before he suddenly looks up and things go to static- like- thats an intense scene and I wish the remake did more stuff like that!

They do great showing people REACTING to the plate falling which is why its so appalling to me that they dont show much of the actual devastation DURING plate fall

I LOVE that Cait Sith shows up at the plate falling! It shows that Reeve actually tried to warn people(something he asked to do and was denied earlier), even if he was too late. The only problem I have is that new players who dont know who Cait Sith is will be horribly confused as to who and why he’s there???

Also, when the crew goes back to Sector 7, you don’t really... feel the impact right away. Keep in mind, an entire section of city just fell onto another section of city WITH the supports holding it up, there should have been way more rubble. Yet, the area where Seventh Heaven is just... looks like it was hit with a major earthquake. There should be way more rubble, like mountains of it. It’s weird since the opening cinematic really captures the scope of how huge Midgar is, but the plate falling just doesn’t really show the scope of how much devastation there was to losing an entire plate.

The scope of it is done a bit better when climbing up Sector 7, but I still feel like the weight and scope of destruction isn’t lived up to its full potential.

Okay so- Wedge and Biggs. ... Yeah, it takes away from the impact of their deaths to have them not die. I mean, I can’t make a total opinion on this just yet, because the other parts haven’t come out yet, but... if FF7R is gonna keep them alive, they better have a good reason for it tbh.

They might have done a little bit too much foreshadowing with Cloud and Aerith? Like I like Cloud having memory issues, it’s kept pretty vague... but him going “Mother?” with Jenova is a little bit too spoiler-y. Like yeah you gotta tease his whole thing but like- don’t give it away this soon!!!

I also don’t mind Seph showing up as much as he does. Like, in the original, you don’t even hear about him until close to the end of the Midgar arc. Obvi since the remake ONLY covers the Midgar arc so far, I totally understand bringing him in sooner. Again, having the clones existing might be a little too spoilery for the big twists later on, but I can let it slide since it’s still treated as very “wtf” and I’m sure anyone new to the story hasn’t put it together yet.

Did I mention how much I love Seph he’s so creepy and his eyes are gorgeous and he’s so intimidating by just being there

And the Whispers... I honestly didn’t like them. I kept forgetting that they existed honestly. They just feel so... detached from the plot. I don’t mind adding new content/story, but the Whispers just... didn’t feel well-implemented. They also felt really campy towards the end. Like, the fact that they could un-stab Barret and shield Avalanche from car accidents while they were escaping? They were legit like “no you can’t die even if you tried because fate” and takes away any tension of the scene because... well, they know they cant die.

That being said, the ending was interesting. I uh. It was interesting! So they actually defeat fate itself in order to change... who knows what. The future, maybe even the past??? I’ve got many thoughts on this

If the future is changed, that can be exciting since people who know the original’s plot won’t know what’s gonna happen next so like- okay!

If the past was changed... y’all know I’m talking about Zack. Was fate changed so that he could live? Keep in mind, we see Whispers surrounding Midgar before they dissipate and Zack’s like “ohey did I get all of em?”, implying that fate would have forbade Zack from ever getting to Midgar. Having the team defeat fate means... Zack may have now reached Midgar. 

Is alternate reality/timeline stuff going to happen now???

Cloud’s character revolves around Zack dying. What’ll happen to Cloud now???

I feel so bad for people new to the plot who don’t know who Zack is.

Nomura... you madman.

So with the ending... Nomura and Squenix is setting something up. They’re going for something huge. I uh. I fear, honestly! Because this could very likely get WAY too ambitious and WAY too confusing(Think Dream Drop Distance’s bullshit plot), and could totally fall on its face and end up being Squenix’s biggest flop of all time. But... if this succeeds and they actually pull off whatever they’re trying to pull... holy shit. I would be floored.

I honestly am a bit afraid that the plot will be too confusing for new players. Like- no one would know whats going on with Zack unless they knew the original plot, so like while this would be a great game for FF7 fans, I’m really worried that it won’t be a good game for people new to the series.

Cloud in a dress is the greatest thing and I’m so happy they kept that scene I love him so much the entire scene is so queer <3

But overall, despite some nitpicks, it was a SUPER SOLID game and I’m soooo hype to see where they go with it! I wanna see Cait and Yuffie and Cid and Vincent!!!!!!!!!

[wexhappyxfew]

So I’ve been trying for ages to think of a question for TT and I can��t bc I am a dummy SO I thought maybe you if there was a question you wanted someone to ask and no one has then answer that! OR I’d love for you to talk about how writing has helped you/made you happy if you’re comfortable with that! I LOVE YOU SUNSHINE 🌻🌻🌻🌻

AWWW ANGE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT I SWEAR <3 <3 and oooooh that’s an interesting take!!! i haven’t ever thought about that actually, but now i might LOL! and ooooh yes! I LOVE THAT OTHER QUESTION TOO! imma just do both THANK U ANGE!!! <3

hmmmmm....a question i wanted someone to ask....

i’m thinking of doing some talking about character flaws and possibly some strong female ocs and just my take on that! 

For me, character flaws have just always MADE the character, a human being. But it’s not for everybody, but for me, as I am a flawed person in many aspects, writing flawed characters has helped more than anything. All the characters I write are deeply flawed just like every human being. They all have pros, but they are all also weighed out by the cons of life. But that’s simply what makes us human because no one’s perfect.

For example, Charlotte Tarvers, even though she’s this ‘sunshine’ girl, who always makes people smile and laugh, and feel good, and cared for, she’s also deeply hurt by her past, and has attachment issues. Part of being a medic, is strictly not getting attached to the people you might end up seeing dying or wounded - and that’s what Charlotte really struggles with simply because she is an extroverted people person who cares for everyone and she can’t help and it hurts her in the end. 

Hazel Parker, while being a soft and innocent person, that can shoot straight on a sniper and can get zeroed in and focused and honed in and obey orders, has trouble speaking her mind, she doesn’t trust easily, she also let’s things get to her constantly and then her emotions come into play. Only when she’s in war and numb to it all do emotions stay out, but many of her decisions are emotion based and it’s painful mentally for her. She constantly battles her mind simply because she doesn’t say much but her mind is too loud and that just is something that affects her greatly - especially after her wound that she getts.

Catherine McCown, while a fantastic leader, and a confident, intelligent young woman, she tries so hard to be perfect and then that’s when she breaks - after staying strong simply for too long and then her emotions comes and she starts heavily doubting herself in the process of it all. She tries her hardest she genuinely doesn’t feel like it is never enough because people always die in the end or get hurt and she takes it personally sometimes, too personally and it hurts her in the long run.

Elizabeth Elliot, as tender, gentle, and hilarious as she is, struggles with her mental health. In many circumstances she is very mentally strong, she can block the pain but in others, after learning of her hyperkinetic disorder (ADHD), which it was called in the 1940s, she hits that downward slope where she feels she can’t escape. And I have only seen a few OCs that struggle with mental health (various types of mental health), such as a disorder like ADHD, so I decided it was time to write a character like that. And her ADHD is what really makes her struggle throughout Bastogne to the end of the war. It causes her to lack in the ability to do her job right - there’s the distraction, the mind-eating thoughts, the inability to fully concentrate, the rereading and getting nowhere, the frustration - all of it - and that makes her really struggle more than anything. 

And....for a little sneak peak at the Flip Children (Natia, Klimeck, and Ryzshard) I will briefly discuss their flaws...

Natia Filipska, is genuinely a warrior, with a highly intelligent mind, who easily understands people from one to the other, but she grows easily numb and cold to others and flushes out her emotions in dangerous situations, ideally making her reckless, distant and tough to work with. Which doesn’t bode well for a character who HAS to work with others to survive. But that is just in short - I can’t spoil much more! 

Klimeck Filipska is, like her sister, intelligent, hard-working, and a powerful role-model and leader for all, but her anger sets her apart from others. She lets anger in many cases take over her decisions and it ends up getting friends injured and possibly even killed in the end. And it is something she takes very personally because she is very much 0-80 within seconds and her decisions are angry and emotionally driven simply because she has seen what the Nazis have taken and it angers her more than anything. It never amounts to something good in the end sometimes.

Ryzshard Filipski, who albeit, is smooth, charismatic, and deceptive, is, like Natia, VERY reckless, and it almost gets him killed sometimes. And sometimes he is purely too humanity driven. It almost makes him lose his cover. But he is in fact the youngest sibling, the youngest and only brother, and so he watches what his sisters are like in their way of being driven through the war and tries in a sense to be a bit of the light - but he is only a 20 year old man - he is still a child in the war, struggling with the idea that he lost his innocence with it as well. 

And don’t get me wrong, they are all deeply flawed but they are ALL strong oc’s, strong female ocs and a strong male oc. The 6 female ocs I have I believe, are all strong in their own individual way, whether it be quietly or loudly, they are all strong. Quiet people can be strong and confident people can be strong - and they don’t take bs either :) They are all strong, just like you all are, even if you have flaws - they make you stronger. 

And Ryzshard, as my ONLY male oc, I didn’t want to make him the stereotypical male oc - the always brave, always angry, emotionless sorta of persona - he has emotions, the most innocence out of the flip children, and he cares the most, and that’s what I really hope to get across even through his recklessness - he cares. 

“how writing has helped you/made you happy if you’re comfortable with that!”

So, this is a question I’ve gotten throughout the day, but I’ll put it in short!! Writing has just always been an outlet for me, and a way to express myself. When I’m stressed, upset, or angry, I come and I write and know that I’m in my own world. I’ve always found motivation in myself to write because I always just do it for me, really. I love everyone and appreciate everyone who reads my works and my stories, but I mainly do it because it is something I love doing and something that has helped me in more ways than one. 

It just always makes me so happy to make art on a screen with black and white words - it truly is an art form for so many people and for someone like me and as an artist myself, to create art with words is something I just adore. 

And, off topic sorta LOL, but I feel the reason I keep having motivation day in and day out to just keep writing, is because I do it for me? If that makes sense? I always tell myself ‘you’re doing it for you queen, you’re doing what you always want, and just for you - how ADORABLE is that - it’s like treating yourself” and I just tell myself that always, because I’m like wow, I’m doing something for me that’s fun!

And writing’s always there, it doesn’t leave, it doesn’t judge, it doesn’t make fun of you, it doesn’t turn cold, it doesn’t lie - it’s purely just WRITING - and I’ve always loved that about writing. Writing’s just always been there <3

thank you sm for the ask ange!! this was genuinely super fun! and i loved being able to talk about my oc’s and their flaws a bit, since i feel i needed to explain them just a bit and why they are flawed like a normal human! and plus talking about my writing experience and the true work of art writing is, is something i will always rave about!!! thank you <3

[md3artjournal]

Confidence still fragile, but maybe ready to add more practices to my every day?  Writing practice?  I just hope my paranoid depression is wrong.  

12:24 AM 9/21/2020 I forgot to write about this earlier.

Earlier this month, I had an epiphany while watching a YouTuber who said that you don't need this or that, to be a writer; you just have to write.  And what astounded me was that one of the unnecessary criteria for writer in that list was "reading a lot".  I used to be a complete bookworm and write a lot of narratives on top of my journalling.  But after high school, I got fed up with reading and swore off novels.  Sure, I switched to comic books and manga, but I also read a whole lot of fanfic, and I think that fanfic reading really fuelled my writing of stories.  I had a community and I was exposed to a lot of narrative prose styles.  So when I left even that regular reading, I thought "That's it; I don't have the experience and skills anymore to be a writer.  And all my essay and journal writing doesn't count when I say Writing."  

But maybe I should return to Writing. For the longest time, I've been so lacking in confidence, that I can't even go find a job, let alone open commissions.  All because I dont' believe I"m good at anything.  And my illustration/art blatantly proves that my art isn't good enough to get me jobs.  But it's what I studied in school.  And school made me too suicidally depressed to return for more.  The only reason I survived the first time was because I promised myself that I'd never have to return to anything like it ever again.  So if that first degree in art didn't yield me any employable skills, enough to overcome my unconfidence, depression, and paranoid low self esteem view of myself, then I've got nothing.  But eveyrone continues to say that I'm good at writing.  I havne't written stories/narratives in forever, and certainly not on a regular basis like I used to.  And I've forgotten writing styles.  So I didn't believe it.  But maybe I should try writing again.  After all, writing is what I've ALWAYS done, ever since I could remember, even before I became a bookworm, and if essays/journaling counts, then even after I stopped bookworming.  And I can't say I've stoped thinking like a writer.  I'm still gathering information and looking at everything like fodder for my imagination.  I used to say, even during tough times in my life, that at least I could use it for my writing.  But now that I stopped identifying as a writer, I've started thinking "I could use this for my imaginary landscapes and daydreams, my imagination".  But maybe I never really left being a writer.  ;u;?  

Maybe I should add writing to my daily art practices.  Yeah.  I"ll try to write 10min everyday, like suggested by STart With This podcast's challenge.  10min or a minimum of 3 paragraphs, whichever comes first.  I just don't want to write a bunch of word-count-chasing empty trash like my first NaNoWriMo.  I want to write like I used to craft fanfics in college.  

I'm just so glad to know that I can still be a writer, even if I'm not avidly reading novels all the time anymore.  Because I really got burned-out from novels an I don't really want to return.  Though, knowing me, if I really get back into writing, then I may return to novel reading because I want to.  Hell, I've felt that way this past month, remembering the Ann McCaffery books I used to read and suddenly feeling like re-reading that Tamora Pierce book I have lying around.  Maybe I can de-couple the trauma from that burn-out; after all, the English teacher who incurred that burn-out is dead.  I know it's morbid, but---I don't care because I've always had a serial killer's sense of humor---it's really comforting to me, whenever I remember a traumatic memory (which is fucking often) but I can realize that by this age, all those people involved are already dead.  So why attach reading to the trauma that that old English teach gave me?  She's dead!  I'm free!  Reading can be whatever attachment _I_ want to give it now!  Pffftttttttt!!!!!!!!!!  

My only worry now is that being in such a good place mentally/emotionally, that I can feel motivated to and attempt to add more daily practices to better myself (whether drawing, exercise, singing, etc.), usually immediately preceedes some kind of attack from my mom that will stun my Growth.  And instead of finally having the tentative confidence to try to do more with my day, Ii'll be hiding in bed for a week, crying, afraid to leave my room, leave my bed, while trying to recover from whatever trauma her emotional attacks gave me.  -.-;;;;  This seems to happen a lot, that this current apprehension tonight was reflexsive.  Ugh. After all, today I was already hiding in my room and avoiding her, because someone else sest her off and she does have a tendency to take out her anger on anyone around.  I can only hope that thsi reflexsive intuition is just paranoia from my usual depression.  I'll just try to lay low, just in case, but act normal enough to take on these new daily practices to try to improve myself.  

I need to write 10min, draw from real life references, draw my monthly challenge, watch anime, maybe play a videogame, and hopefully read manga.  I've finally started to get into the habit of watching anime daily again, thankfully.  And I think I'm close to sketching from real life references everyday, after today being the first time breaking a 2-day streak of that.  So if I can just add writing and maybe read some manga before bed tonight, maybe I can finally do more things to improve myself.  Maybe I can even wake up earlier to get more things done.  Maybe the notion of getting more things can motivate me to get up earlier tomorrow?  *O*!?  Yeah, I'll read some manga, go to sleep, practice writing tomorrow on top of the other daily practices, and maybe setup my new game console or at least play some Guilty Gear.  Fighting games was a big part of my life an helped me practice fighting spirit and handling my emotion; I really want to return to playing every day too.  

[ofmara]

*record scratch* *freeze frame* yep, that’s me. BVCNJ hey lads ~ i’m ally, i’m twenty2, my timezone is est, i use she/her pronouns & full disclaimer: i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing! just keep that in mind when you read this.. trash lmao. anyways! if u wanna plot, feel free to hmu on d*scord at HE IS SO BIIIIG 😩👌🏼🧡#2581 or yk use the lil chat thing on tumblr if u wanna start small or w/e FDCNK no pressure. moving on..

mara’s pinterest: here!

content warning: ..none?? who am i???

( ariana grande & cis female. ) oh my god look, it’s mara de luca! she is a 24 year old singer/songwriter from queens, new york. they were first associated with the met cartel 3 years ago, and the tabloids are always saying she is so impulsive & irreverent, but their stans on twitter say that she is actually really magnetic & passionate.

first thing’s first.. i haven’t written a coherent intro in a fucking Minute, so i’m offering premature apologies for the shitshow that’s about to follow, especially since i really waited til the last second to type this out even if this blog’s been Done for a week smh ANYWAYS!

ok so! mara is what i like to call ‘a textbook new yorker’ in that she’s Loud, she Loves Her Family and she’s Unapologetically Herself. my character inspirations for her are joey from netflix’s the circle, fran fine from the nanny, molly gunn from uptown girls and a little bit of cher from clueless sprinkled in there ( mainly bcos of this gifset lmao ). since i came up with her a few weeks ago, i really had so many different personalities for her but like.. let’s keep reading to see that literally all of them were apparently Not True ~

she was born into a very tightly-knit family & grew up constantly surrounded by them. she’s got three older brothers, meaning she’s the Baby of the family, so she’s been uhhhhhh doted on all her life! we stan! that said, she’s never known what its like to be on her own, especially considering that her family was right by her side every step of the way as she slowly grew her career from childhood. she got her start singing the national anthem at a knicks game when she was 8 and slowly built from there. her parents were always suuuper supportive and did all they could to help her achieve her dreams, even though they were struggling to make ends meet.

her parents own a small bakery in queens that they started when her oldest brother was little and have been a staple in the city ever since. though they’re a somewhat popular spot for tourists and locals alike, ny real estate isn’t cheap, so paying rent both for the store and their apartment above it has always been a struggle, especially once they started dedicating a good portion of their money to plane tickets and agents and all sorts of necessities mara needed in order for her dreams to come true. the extra expense was difficult on her brothers as well, though they made a point never to complain when they had to get a second or third job to help pay the bills.

ANYWAYS she grew up veryyyy close to her family and the sacrifices they made on her behalf didn’t go unnoticed, so the first thing she did when she finally Made It was buy them a bigger space for their bakery ( since her parents Love working it even if its rough sometimes, buddy ) and a new house so ;) we love a Family First mentality!

HOWEVER!! when mara first moved to LA in like?? 2015 or something?? idk timelines.. but anyways when she first moved to LA she was.. how u say.... Depressed cos like even though she was Living Her Dream as the artist she’s always wanted to be ( she lived in queens w/ her family up until after her first Big Break cos she’s a big time daddy’s girl ) .. she was essentially on her own since her family stayed in nyc :/ yk, where they live? yeah. so she was on her own for the first time... Ever & it was scary and stressful and essentially, she wasn’t doing great mentally or emotionally, even if she put on that *ari vc* fake smile.

that was untiiiiiiil she got her first ~ hollywood boyfriend ~ aka someone famous who helped both with her career and as a salve to the constant loneliness the bitch always feelin. long story short, he didn’t last long, but she Needed to feel Wanted so she got Another ~ hollywood boyfriend ~ until it became, like, Her Thing to Always be attached to someone in the tabloids and the press and on Entertainment Tonight. we love a codependent bitch! that’s also kinda how she got to be part of the met cartel cos she immediately attaches herself fully and completely to everyone she meets & falls a little bit in love with every person who has ever said hello to her, so.. Yeah! most of her friendships were likely formed because she just would not leave them alone ( she’s clingy and needy As Fuck, but she knows she is, so she’s constantly worrying about it aka she’s always wondering if people really like her cos she’s been said to be “too much” and “annoying” by some people who.. weren’t interested in being her friend ) anyways.. feel free to lmk if u want ur chara to hate her cos she will fully have her feelings hurt but still want them to like her cos shes a, say it with me kids, people pleaser ~

its v clear why i thought of joey & fran for inspo ( espeeeeecially fran, now that i think about it: i.e. constantly searching for love, lovingly obnoxious ) but as for why she’s like molly gunn... bitch is uhhh naive as fuck and will trust anyone who is even a little bit nice to her so peep her constantly seeing everyone through rose colored glasses and immediately feeling like her heart is broken when they turn out to be someone completely different lmao! also yk in the little mermaid when ariel was like “but daddy, i love him!” ??? YEAH, that’s mara to a fucking T, m8!

i could quite literally go on and on for hours, but to keep it short and sexy, here’s her stats page & i’ll follow up with a list of some little tidbits of info.. some Quirks, if u will..

she hiccups when she cries & BOY does she cry often BVJNCDKM

cannot cook a single mf thing to save her life? yeah.. her parents wanted to let her work in the bakery but .. she burned everything so she was cashier ;)

can quote the entirety of bring it on: all or nothing & as a segue from that, she is very chatty during movies if she’s with even one other person but Silent when she’s alone

will challenge anyone and everyone to mario kart wii as long as she gets to play yoshi ( she has a vendetta against baby peach )

is Constantly Freezing, so she’s always in thick socks and turns the heat up high when she’s at home

has a cavalier king charles spaniel named piper ( yes, i'm using a fc for her dog )

i’m gonna b p selective with which ari songs she’s released both bc i dont like All of ari’s songs & for character purposes ( rip in peace, sweetener )

is classically trained on the piano and sometimes just plays classical music for fun, making up silly lyrics at parties and whatnot lol she’s just Fun & Quirky like that

owns every season of the o.c. on dvd

she has a car but i havent decided if she ever drives it ( or what kind it is, tho i assure u my virgo ass will be researching it at some point ) since she really just barely passed her driver’s test

is constantly in the tabloids for one dumbass thing after the other mostly as an excuse for me to make tabloid edits but like... i love that for her & will 100% be down to include any and all of u if u lmk u wanna be in one

and many more, but i’m really just sitting here rambling UGH EW so lms for plots cos i’m unprepared & i don’t have any wc’s! very on brand for me, i must say

[judgedarts]

sunny, my sunshine....i still don’t know how to draw you

id like to mention that im very bad at developing my characters so i want to ramble about her a little bit. feel free to read!

sunny is a lot harder for me to develop since im not personally attached to her since shes very different from me in all aspects. 

sunny is half white, half saudi arabian (no! thats not her natural hair color!) her mother died while giving birth to her while her dad died later in her life, when she was about 12 or so. both her parents were in the military but her father was discharged for mental health issues and ended up working minimum wage jobs afterwards when sunny was 8. 

sunny really loved her father and looked up to him (he was her only real parent after all) she didnt get to see too much of him though, since he was working as a solider in the military. after he was discharged, he was battling ptsd/depression but was still really caring and loving towards sunny. she remembers only good things about her father, like memories of them fishing and camping. she really loved hearing stories about growing up in saudi arabia and he constantly told her to love the freedoms that she is able to have because she’s living in the US. to generalize, sunny’s father is a really humble guy who tried his best to show how much he cared for his daughter after realizing he had jumped into a marriage too quickly. he died unexpectedly/took his own life when sunny was 12. 

while sunny’s father was away in the military, she spent most of her time with her aunt (mother’s side) who really despises her and her parents. the aunt is your typical racist white middle aged lady living in illinois. she treats sunny like garbage and made her dye her hair blonde, to look more like the aunt and her mother. she physically/emotionally torments sunny because she hates the fact that her sister married a non-white man and died giving birth to her. also the fact that her aunt lives off of government assistance and was forced to take care of her is another reason she hates sunny. after her father died, sunny kept living with her aunt and is now, 18-19, taking care of the aunt that raised her. the aunt, i think, is going to have some kind of illness that keeps her from moving around too much so sunny has to be her caretaker, but she really just wants to leave her. 

i dont think i have to explain it too much but sunny obviously dislikes her aunt (she has mixed opinions on her though, since she’s raised her all her life). i think sunny wants to join the military like her father and for the same reasons why her father did too. she doesn’t really have anything in mind for her future, it’s not like she can even afford to go to college anyway...

i have a lot more things for her in mind and shes a very crucial character in my limbo story so i want to be really thorough with her personality and history before i finalize her. i suspect she’ll take a lot longer for me to actually fully flesh out ^_^; thanks so much for reading!

[xerborgen]

high school shit

i was actually just watching some back to school videos on youtube and oh boy am i inspired to actually write this entry! i’m going into my last year of high school this incoming school year, and this is what i got so far.

things that I noticed/realized/experienced in high school:

1. i wanted to be alone most of the time

2. i developed a liking to studying for exams/doing notes

3. once something slips out of your mouth, you already have a +1 weight on your shoulders 

4. its never good to shut out your friends and expect them to understand it. you owe them an explanation 

5. never get too attached. initially, i’m not a kind of person that gets attached attached, i never really resented anyone who left me or never really missed someone that much and seemed possessive. 

6. things can go incredibly slow, and incredibly fast

7. slice of tasks off your to do list as many as you can. sometimes i do time my working periods whenever i get that random shot of productivity but sometimes that just doesn’t really do the job a lot, especially if i have a shit ton of works to do over the week. try to do better every time.

8. work better, not harder - whenever i’m doing an overnight homework or task and my eyes get droopy real hard that i can’t even focus on what i’m doing or why the fuck i was there anymore, i choose to go to sleep and not strain myself, and pay myself back in the morning. i come to school early as possible - if not, then i try to “cram” into finishing the homework before the subject when its needed starts. LOOK i know cramming is BAD but i kinda powered through it???? for example, if i cant understand the my fucking math homework the night before, there’s no use stressing out and trying hard to understand it. instead, i go to school and before math class starts, i approach a few classmates to teach me how to do it ((or maybe,,,,, , , give me some answers and i’ll just learn it in time)). that literally saved my life in the long run.

9. in line with my previous statement, its good to have a few close friends and a good reputation in class. i realized that acting emo isnt going to magically have someone gravitate to me and help. i had to reach out, go out there, and even if i dread a lot of people and i have only a few i can tolerate I HAD TO GO OUT THERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. i’ve learnt how to say no

11. even if my chair is left handed or not my fucking back is still going to hurt like a lil bitch

12. i realized how much i daydreamed about school ending and then like???? whap???? the new year comes and like whoosh??? its my finals already?????

13. value time

14. lo-fi is literally my ride or die, this bitch really was at my side EVERYTIME. but forreal, whenever i study or do stuff i usually put on some lo-fi beats and everything just gets better.

15. jack of all trades, master of none. i have a few well-known classmates whom are known to be all-rounders, and a lot of people envied them and proclaimed how they were good at everything. hearing and seeing these made me feel bad about myself, because all i was really good at  knew was how to edit, design, dance, study - and i was never sporty nor good at any musical instrument which are UNFORTUNATELY the talents that a lot of people consider as “cool”. 

- but, it kinda warms my heart whenever there are video presentations or design stuff that gets put on discussion, few of my classmates turn to me and depend on me about it. its like they knew, they knew they could trust me about it, because they liked how i liked how i do. and that kind of makes me giddy... the thought of giving them unceremoniously something to remember me by.

16. i dont know why didnt i put this FIRST but this is actually my favorite. usually, i tend to want to go home immediately after a long day in school, thus making my dad fetch me after class (side note, i dont know if this is a stigma or not but getting fetched after school lowkey is kinda uncool, because i dont know.......im a grown 15 yo waiting for my fetcher to come pick me up but i powered through it and come to the conclusion that i dont rlly care i just want to go home)

16.5 me and my close friends, S, L, G, A, we like to eat at this takoyaki place near my house (its actually inside a mall of some sort, its just a ten minute walk from my place to there). i usually secretly brought my phone with me to school, so even if these takoyaki dates were sudden, i had no reason to bring the offer down. i usually spend these food trips with my friend S, which with the courtesy of her kind mother, usually considers letting us eat at this takoyaki place while she lets their cute dog shanaia be groomed in the pet parlor. me and S, during these times, have talked a lot about different stuff, and i’m really thankful for her - as well as to my other close friends. although i don’t treat anyone as a best friend, they shouldn’t underestimate how much they mean to me.

- having an older sister is nice... me and my older sister actually had a conflict before. i was at an age where everything was just so emotionally scarring that it inflicted some kind of bitter wound in my heart that i just refused to mend that time. i rarely used the word hate, but at that time, i hated my family. i hated how i was treated, i hated how i was so hopeless, but i clung to any piece of comfort i longed. i guess i was just an emotional mess back then... this was all when i was in sixth grade.

things have changed a lot now. my parents have started to listen somehow. i found out that my sister was actually going through something so traumatizing that i failed to acknowledge because i let my emotions take over me.

- now... i gradually am trying to control my emotions - not the other way around. because once your emotions take over you, you get vulnerable. you get easily bitten. you let your guard down, and in this world, keeping your guard down is one risk that you should be wary of taking. 

its not that i’m preventing myself to feel, to enjoy... but to regulate my emotions and place them where its best. talk when you’re allowed to, or only talk about personal stuff when i’m with my close friends. once a person sees into me... it could be game over. 

i make decisions. and i have to avoid certain circumstances where i could possibly feel a lot of unwanted emotions. although a lot of things are stringed together by fate, and sometimes the scissors are nowhere to be found, and that i was supposed to do something that could blow my cover. its really better if you know yourself, you control yourself. if i couldnt avoid, modify how i behave. how i react. control what i show on the outside.

- i deserve some kind of happiness atleast... i shouldn’t be too hard on myself. i know this, but the pathetic thing is, i can’t do it. sometimes the only thing that deprives me of my own happiness is myself - which is for me, something so pathetic that i can’t even get sick of it.

- if there’s a will, there’s a way

- sometimes its good to look back once in a while... to see how far you’ve gone. if i can still see fragments of my past, then i’ll use that to strive to get further, further away from the demons that haunts me. if i can’t, then... smile, and look forward.

- you can fear things. but don’t let it show on your face. instead, fight it, anyway.

- everyone is just scared as i am.

- i don’t necessarily need to say my stand.

- i can’t judge dramatic people because that would mean i’m judging myself. but when did i have stopped judging myself?

- its good to go out for walks once in a while.

- rainy days elongated with a class suspension are always stuff to look forward for and cherish. the rain only visits me once in a while, i miss it.

- moments are traces of life

- sometimes, you never really see the value of something until they’re gone... 

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