#i dont overshare normally but i think that getting older really is so good for you and that therapy works | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aries-writes-shit · 4 years ago

Note

I'm gonna be completely honest here; Likely going to info dump/ramble excessively, high possibility of it including personal issues, fair warning.

To put it as simply as I can:

Romantic or platonic is fine

I am demi-pan(or omni)romantic, not looking to have biological kids for personal reasons also honestly I don't know how much gender would affect my attraction. I just find people pretty and am vibin. Usually I just say I am of the ace/bi spectrum.

I identify as female, going by she/they, gender neutral pronouns I just think should be normalized as a default when you don't explicitly know and even then be respectful.

I've driven myself into excessive isolation leading to being easily overwhelmed even if it's given certain tasks as I am forgetful and need explicit instructions as I believe I'm a visual learner but to be more specific things need to be explicitly spelled out for me a majority of the time. It's often a tedious process as well as me getting overwhelmed when put on the spot even if it's saying what I want to eat or even retrieving the food myself even in my own home.

But I need excessive time in retreating to isolation which consists me usually pacing around the kitchen, specific I know but even in other environments like hotels I often pace the kitchen space even if it's very small, and indulging myself in maladaptive daydreaming fueled by music to which I normally speak/mumble out loud, do random stuff with my hands animatedly which I don't always do when actually indulging in conversation with others, or just dancing late at night with my highly inconsistent and likely unhealthy sleep schedule of which I am nocturnal at this point. I do also sing a bit though I need another voice to go off of in feeling more comfortable in harmonizing with others.

I find interest in psychological subjects which I love to share with others if I hopefully am no bother so it's a mutually exchanged topic others can indulge in as well. Also I am a sucker for depth in stories tied to characters, development, details no matter if it's very small or if it is significant to the story or it's characters themselves.

I also am iffy about exchange of material items, though I do love specific silverware, cups, trays, the occasional jewelry (I favor rings or bracelets I guess? Necklaces sorta) if it means something to a close individual, and other small trinkets for me to admire or put to use.

My love language is quality time but what I love most is unapologetic, unfiltered, mutual conversation. With my tendency to overshare a lot of things despite my insecurities and hesitance I don't just want a listener. I want them to be invested as well. I myself do often put myself in the listener role though and am referred to as one's local counselor sometimes.

Very much radiating the burnt out gifted kid and mommy/daddy issues vibe because I've had enough trauma and damaged self worth from it but it's mostly inflicted upon myself rather than from others or in being inthe bystander/observing role or in being neglected. I grew up praised and spoiled really, even now referred to as such in my family, but in the present it overwhelms me and if anything I'd rather not do anything for others and them do nothing for me and in dismissing my existence.

Honestly I've developed a toxic mentality against myself, even being aggressive in trying to validate or dismiss issues involving myself alone.

I've made progress including ditching a habit of mine I've had all my life through sheer power of will and have stopped excessively apologizing for laughing as I find it annoying to some extent, though not as much anymore which is good. Though I will apologize for laughing when by myself and when breaking down in tears I end up having a personal therapy session in uncertainty about turning to someone else even though I am very open about my issues. I have no problem sharing information, I just overthink how it's recieved or if it's dismissed and insignificant so why try? Of course I'm also a hypocrite and validate others, trying to do so for myself gradually though it can be hard and becomes an aggressive battle mentally.

But yeah I usually put myself in the supporting role for others including friends and family even though I myself am the youngest to some extent.

I try to encourage a space of comfort and validation for others and as emotionally assertive or reassuring/validating I can be, often turning heartfelt though significantly more blunt and assertive, I also have crackhead energy sometimes to be honest. Often with strange mental conversations or comments spewing out, a significant questioning being related to society. People confuse, frighten, or entertain me a majority of the time.

Anyways yeah to put it simply (and sorry to go on a long tangent and apologies if I contradicted myself or if I sounded repetitive);

Chaotic individual of the ace/bi spectrum that is highly emotional with abandonment issues, familial trauma, high insecurities related to my mere existence, and I obviously ramble a l o t.

A (not so) few other details; compared to some of the giants I am a small marshmallow (not too fluffy but kinda-) standing at around 5'2" with an internal inferno of emotions I currently withhold inside me and instead giggling excessively or spilling tears when I get emotional. Or aggressively cussing but that's usually by myself, but I am a bit clumsy and forgetful overall. Also my sleep schedule is a total mess of which I may have previously mentioned and I have significant words and phrases taking up the majority of my vocabulary I put to use in writing or conversing. Also I can get significantly fired up about topics related to terrible parenting, terrible people in general, unnecessary gendered stereotypes and objects for no reason what so ever, and in validating others. Also I am a forgetful mess as I've stated I believe two other times. I can forget a topic entirely midsentence or go on tangents about unrelated topics while having originally interrupted myself. Also last minute note/s, I wear glasses and often joke about being blind as hell and needing my access to sight. And regarding what I wear I typically avoid branded material cuz of my unreasonable insecurities, and I go for more subtle things of black/blue but I do have other options. I just mainly go for subtle/reserved in appearance that's comfortable for me and I typically wear jeans and just- sneakers or crocs for the indoors. Also I can imagine the slight possibility of me snagging tops from my partner if they didn't mind, an example of me wearing other's things typically being my dad's shirts on occasion and the rare item of my mom's originally or my older sister.

Yep definitely went off, sorry if this is overwhelming or if it includes a ton of unnecessary details :')

Don't stress yourself especially at my expense please—

Sorry it took so long, heres your match!

C!Philza

Oh no, look the old man adopted another kid /s

This man raised two boys on his own, hes so ready to help you if you become overwhelmed

Learns what you order so you dont have to talk to the cashier if you dont want to

If you need to pace, he will step back and let you do your thing

Checking in occasionally to make sure your alright

Will definitely try and make you have a healthy sleep schedule

Will definitely listen to you rant about any topic you start to rant about

Its healthy to get things like that off your chest

#mcyt matchup #dream smp matchup

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taezhu · 6 years ago

Text

mafia!mark

you're drinking coffee and working on an assignment for university when you first meet mark

You remember that so well because it was quite a meeting indeed

Or rather you didnt exactly meet him at all - his existence was kind of thrown in your face

you had taken out your earphones because you could hear some shouting and were a little confused

and you see one guy run past the window of the coffee shop and you think there must be some drama

but then another man runs past and then darts back into the coffee shop and looks around at everyone

and he meets your eyes and nods once, running over to you and taking the seat opposite to you

and you're dumbfounded because what is he doing?? Why is he sitting with you??

He pulls off his jumper, tossing it beside you, messes up his hair and removes his face mask

ooh hes kinda cute

what are you saying hes literally probably a criminal

he shuts your laptop and reaches for your hand and obviously you pull your hand away and he just looks at you with wide eyes

"please can you pretend to be my girlfriend for like 2 minutes, it's really important"

and you're apprehensive but he genuinely looks scared and you feel kinda bad for him

"Just so you know, holding my hand doesn't automatically make you my boyfriend"

he smiles uncomfortably and looks down to the table, attempting to be a boyfriend you assume

so you genuinely ask him a question about it

"I'm guessing you haven't had a girlfriend before then?"

he looks up to you and doesn't answer for a moment, then shakes his head

so you hum, pulling put your phone and showing him the first thing that comes up on Instagram

"who are you hiding from? someone tried to mug you?"

he shakes his head and tells you he can't answer that

"Can I at least know your know your name?"

and he tells you its mark, and you're a little confused because he doesn't look like mark

"I'm from Canada, visiting a friend out here"

and there wasnt much other conversation because mark got a call and dashed out of there without saying another word

but you don't forget mark, you remember him quite clearly and were kinda annoyed that he just dashed

Though it was pushed to the back of your mind with everything else going on

Until one day hes standing at your front door with flowers and you're apprehensive at first but he tells you sorry

"I shouldn't have just left without even saying bye, or thanking you or anything. It was a dick move"

or rather he told the others what he did and they told him to apologise to you, which he did

but you'll act like that's not the case for now

and mark kind of shoves the flowers in your hands and then goes to walk away but you stop him

"you're not even going to come in for tea?"

"I dont drink tea"

"Do you have any friends, mark? Be honest"

And mark tells you, after being basically forced to sit down in your front room, that yes he has some friends

Though he doesn't exactly explain them as friends and they seem more like work colleagues

Judging from how mark talks, they probably were friends

as it turns out mark is just awkward and when you offer him a beer you had in your fridge he takes it and hes fine after a little alcohol

he is literally a completely different person and starts to tell you about him

that he was born in Canada but came over here for work and that he works with his friends and that he does stuff with information

and he tells you about Jisung who he looks after and their friendship sounds cute enough

He stays till pretty late just talking with you and doing dumb stuff

It was kind of a date but part of you thinks that he is an oversharer too

and its pretty dark out so you say he can sleep on your couch and expect him to say no

But to your surprise mark just says okay and lays down and pulls a blanket over him straight away

and you're like… okay then goodnight

thinking things to be normal you wake up the next morning to someone banging on the door

and when you walk out mark is jumping around trying to pull his clothes on

he meets your eyes and is like "can you hide"

of course you kinda freak out but mark ushers you into the bathroom and pulls the door shut but doesn't close it

"If you hear me shout, go out the window and go to the white glass building on fifth, ask for Haechan"

and you nod because you're confused and expect to have to jump out of the window but no

mark opens your door and is greeted warmly by someone else and it seems to be friendly

You peek around the door and see him with two other guys and one of them catches your eyes

"omo mark, is this the girl you were talking about?"

Mark looks back to you with wide eyes like uhhhhh

"The hot girl? One you wanted to ask on a date?" the other one asks

oof mark wanted to murder jisung right there and then but he just stared wide eyes and tried to interupt but haechan cut him off

“Did we interrupt something? Are you guys in the middle of something?”

It must have been the blanket and you wearing shorts and a tank top that supposedly gave it away

And in the meanwhile you’re just standing watching the three of them with no idea what is going on

Until haechan walks forward to introduce yourself and suddenly you’re bffs with two of them and mark is standing awkwardly watching you all

So as it turns out, mark is just super awkward in general and doesnt ever have a clue on what to say to anyone

Bless him, he has barely any conversational skills yet he still somehow tries

Back to what actually happens

Mark is dragged away by haechan and jisung who introduce themselves, but he messages you later since he left his phone number to apologise again

And you tell him to stop apologising to you because he doesn’t need to so mark apologises again

yeah, thats something that happens a lot

You guys go on an official date, but not a date, a few days later

To the cinema actually to watch something, since you were both looking at watching it before hand and were talking about it

and it’s pretty cute, mark picks you up and you get there a bit early so when you’re waiting you can hear some old ladies saying that you were cute

mark’s cute cheek blush… unbeatable

everything is pretty normal so you’re hoping that maybe this one date, it will be the one where everything runs smooth

And it is for a bit

You’re almost 40 minutes into the movie and it’s not actually that good so you start thinking back to mark telling you to look for haechan if he screamed

You never actually brought that up to him again

But you did think that that was a bit weird

Especially since he seemed super creeped out and actually scared

somehow you’re coming up with the strangest of conspiracy theories and mark must have noticed because he turns to you and asks if you’re okay

then goes on to tell you that he thinks the movies is really boring and that he hasn’t been paying attention for a while now

It was a great opportunity for you to flirt a little, and you’re so close to telling him your other ideas but

As per usual, your plans are interrupted

This time by two guys who come into the cinema screen and mark notices and suddenly tells you to look forward and not react

The two guys come and sit a few rows behind you and you definitely can tell something is wrong

Five minutes pass and mark tells you to go bathroom on the other side of the cinema and wait until he texts you

And of course you do it and you wait in a stall with your feet pulled up because you’re genuinely scared

Ten minutes and no texts from mark

Another ten and you’re worried that something has happened to him

so though you know you shouldn’t you decide to leave and look for him

and you end up walking into the most silent of corridors, literally it is something from a horror film

having a little bit of sense you don’t go back to the screen and instead go to the front desk so you’re around a lot of people

your smart plan seems to work in your favour when you are met with a big group of people waiting for a screening of another film

you’re still waiting another fifteen minutes later so you decide to call mark but he declines your call and texts you to wait

that isn’t the best response you’ve ever gotten and you text him back that you’ll be in the coffee shop next door

But you’re never actually met by mark, and instead by this older guy who probably is like 7 or 8 years older than mark meets you

you’re not sure who he is but he sits down opposite you and hands you a card with the ‘KDY Finance’ on it and his number

there’s a lot of confusion again when the guy leaves you and there is still no sign of mark

there isn’t any sign of mark for the rest of that week actually

and the week after that, and after that too

mark is missing for about a month before you find the contact card for KDY finance and try calling the number

you assume the guy you met picks up when it is a deeper voice that answers, and he says that it is Doyoung speaking

so you just say it’s you, from the coffee shop

and he hums, telling you to come to his office in 40 minutes and to ask for him

needless to say you don’t fit in there because they’re all professionals and you’re wearing yesterdays clothes

but regardless, after a judgemental look from the receptionist you’re taken to his office and you see ‘doyoung’ again

as well as mark, who looks like he has the last of bruises and cuts over him

You’re really surprised to see him but apparently mark isn’t, he runs straight over to you and hugs you really tight

“I thought you were gonna call the next day, not wait like a month! I’ve been waiting this whole time for you to call!”

“Well why didn’t you call me, idiot!”

doyoung chips in that he wasn’t allowed to, and you realise that there is definitely more going on here

and mark will tell you, eventually

give it like two or three days maybe less because if you ask he will tell you straight away

and maybe he will confess a bit more to you too~

#mark reaction #Mark smut #mark scenarios #mark lee scenarios #mark lee smut #mark lee reaction #nct smut #nct drabbles #nct reaction #nct reactions #nct scenario #nct scenarios

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nikatyler · 5 years ago

Photo

Oooh boy. Why do I feel like I should go straight to the replies, or else I will start talking about having a crush again? No one cares, I’m annoying, I’m sorry. Yesterday around midnight, I actually caved and told my best friend because I just couldn’t keep my feelings to myself any longer, and I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction. I didn’t want to tell her at first because we kinda tend to turn this kind of stuff into jokes, but I guess she did figure out that this time, it’s serious serious - THERE WE GO I’M OVERSHARING AGAIN I AM AN IDIOT. Anyway did I mention I love her? I don’t deserve her. She’s the best, you guys don’t even know her but I just wanted to give her a little shoutout because damn, thanks for yesterday, I thought I would explode. Also, she has an important exam in a week, so if you could send positive vibes her way, that would be great.

By the time you’re seeing this replies, I think I’m playing with Realm of Magic. I’m so excited! Last time I bought a pack on release day was with Seasons. I’m not sure who I will play this with yet. Maybe with Lucian and his girlfriend. I really hope you can somehow turn an alien into a spellcaster, even if that means he’d no longer be an alien. I don’t mind that. Whoops, hold on, was that a spoiler? Yeah, uh, Lucian is a teenager in my game at the moment, he has a girlfriend and he’s not very alien-y and I don’t care about that. Honestly…when have my aliens ever been alien-y? Miracle was the only one and she hated that (and 2019 Ronnie hates that she hated that but 2017 Ronnie didn’t know any better, long story).

Witches are something I’ve wanted in this game for a long time, so they better be good or else I’ll cry. Next up…I know everyone wants university, and I think we’ll get it, but to be fair, I don’t care about it that much. I’ll be playing university irl so I guess that makes sense. 😂 I would really like something like a band game pack, where you can form a band and have concerts and write music and…just do musician stuff, I guess. I was hoping bands would be added in Get Famous but nah, it was pretty much just acting…which I still haven’t explored. 🤦‍♀️ But yeah, band game pack is like my dream. I’m guessing it could be retro themed too, and have many references to some iconic bands?? Imagine if it was like 70s-80s inspired. Imagine THE HAIR. Did I mention I will defend weird 80s hair until the day I die? Yeah. I would really love that. I’m not saying I think a pack like this will happen, but it would be an absolute dream if it did.

TL;DR: I have a crush, I’m playing Realm of Magic and I want a band themed game pack.

autistichatkid replied to your post “Oh wow guess who’s putting nsb on long lifespan because even though…”

psa: you can use mccc to customize lifespan length!!! i dont like how fast normal goes but long is like. So Long. so i use mccc to make everything just a Lil Longer

I know you can do that, I don’t know how but it’s possible, yes! I’m not sure if I want to go for that though, I mean MCCC breaks with almost every update and knowing me, I would forget to fix my settings every single time. I think I’ll just use ea’s long lifespan and then age up people when I feel like aging them up.

desira-sims replied to your post “hey years ago you said you liked symphonic metal, do you still listen…”

Care to share some of your favorites? I’ve been in a music listening mood but feel in a rut.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “hey years ago you said you liked symphonic metal, do you still listen…”

I also don’t listen to e. g. often nowadays and… Their latest album was not my cup of tea except for song or two. And my music preference is now “whatever pleases my ears” even if it will make anyone else’s ear bleed��

Yeah sure, I can share my faves from 2-3 years ago! I’m not saying “from the genre” because I know some of these aren’t that symphonic, at this point it’s all a blur to me, to be fair. Besides, I stopped caring about genres, so…yeah. Just pointing that out so no one comes for me like “how dare you say band xy is that genre”.

Anyway, 2-3 years ago I really loved Nightwish, Within Temptation and Sonata Arctica, those were like my holy trinity, I would listen to them all the time, every single day. The latest WT album wasn’t really my cup of tea, I like their older stuff way more. SA released a new album last week, I kinda liked it but it wasn’t love at first listen. I’ll have to go back to form an opinion on it. Again, their older stuff is better in my opinion. Nightwish…I don’t know if it’s still going on, but people really liked comparing the three different singers they’ve had, and I don’t know why, I think they’re all amazing in their own way. I believe I’ve read on Instagram that new album is coming next year and I’m so excited for that. I don’t think there’s a Nightwish album I disliked.

I also really liked Delain and…Stratovarius, I think it was called? One summer I also listened to Epica a lot, but then all their songs started sounding the same to me. Sorry to any Epica fans that might be following me 😅 And I’m fairly sure I’m forgetting someone, but I believe there should be playlists on Spotify easy to find.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Updates”

Unfortunately I didn’t manage to create a possible spouse(( but I hope there’ll be other possibilities!XD

And good luck!

There definitely will be! Lately, I kinda hate every sim I create, sooo…I’ll leave that for someone else :D

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “That morning, when Vanessa was leaving for work, I had a bad feeling….”

I don’t like this!

I didn’t think this would freak people out so much…but it did…and I’m really sorry :D

1o8percent replied to your photoset “Roxanne: Maybe if I go to bed, it’ll just come to me in a dream. I…”

I’ve definitely had story ideas come to me in a dream. I got several ideas for my completed legacy that way, so good luck Roxanne!

When I’m writing something late at night and I get stuck, it actually helps me to turn off the computer and go think about the story in bed. And ta-da, I suddenly get ideas! Some of them get lost as soon as I fall asleep, but usually the right direction stays in my head and I’m ready to pick it up as soon as I sit down to write again.

igglemouse replied to your photoset Roxy, the interaction said “feel tummy”, not “take the baby out of…”

She just can’t wait to meet her new sibling XD

That’s actually terrifying D:

brightlysimming replied to your post “I got a hug from a girl I barely know and now I’m emo, I already love…”

Aa!! That’s so great! I’m happy you had a good time!!

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “I got a hug from a girl I barely know and now I’m emo, I already love…”

Congratulations! I hope you’ll have fun there! ��

I’m still not over that last weekend. Everyone was so nice and kind and fun and I loved talking to these people so much, uni will be great with them ;-;

The best surprise to me was that there was this person, and they would come to me a few times and ask if I wanted to hang out with them away from the drunk crowds?? (we’re Czech, of course 95% of people who went to that trip got drunk in the evening -_- :D) And that was just so nice? I’m not used to people wanting to hang out with me. Also, we had great time together, if they called now I would quit everything to hang out with them :D

I’m about to start crying again. To all you lonely people struggling out there, trust me, it gets better, you’re not always going to be lonely and miserable. I thought that would be my case, but nope, things are starting to look better. And they will eventually start looking better for you too, I just know it. Don’t give up <3

lilleputtu replied to your photoset “*whispers* guys i wanna chop sunset’s hair off”

she’d look so cute with short hair! also it’s the sims, she can insta regrow it it’ll be fiiiiine

elisabettasims replied to your photoset “*whispers* guys i wanna chop sunset’s hair off”

One of the best things I ever did was put Cassandra Goth in a pixie cut. Doooo eeeet.

autistichatkid replied to your photoset “*whispers* guys i wanna chop sunset’s hair off”

��

deathflowertea replied to your photoset “*whispers* guys i wanna chop sunset’s hair off”

1 & 4 are ��

I think it’s official, we’ll be chopping Sunset’s hair off, yay!

desira-sims replied to your photoset “Meet the Teens! These guys will join my two girls, Crystal and…”

School and real life comes first, but I’ll be excited to see these simmies pop up when the time comes. ��

So am I! I’m not sure what to do right now. I want to play RoM, but when I come back to my NSB…do I finish Sunset’s generation requirements first, or do I just slowly start throwing these teens in? Kind of like I started working on Ross’s aspiration when it was technically still the Mint gen. Eh, I’ll figure it out.

tashsim replied to your post “URL Song Tag”

have to get up at 5:30 for a next month. feel your pain..

That’s not great D: I think I’d have to do that too, if I wasn’t moving to a dorm in Prague later this month. Spending so much time on the train and having to wake up so early would kill me.

elisabettasims replied to your post “Ahh, of course. I kinda forgot that I would get tan in summer, today I…”

I feel this on a personal level.

I kinda never had to deal with this before because I’ve been using foundation only for a year or so. And I’m fairly sure I’m using a lighter one now, because I definitely didn’t feel like a vampire last September :D

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Scarlett: “I saw you helped extinguish the flames too.” Talia: “I…”

talia… wyd

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photo “Scarlett: “Well, uhh, you didn’t mess up, so…” Talia: “I’ll stay, but…”

TALIA… WYD

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photo “Meanwhile the contestants who have nothing to worry about gathered…”

talia you might be safe this time but you definitely should NOT be thinking you have nothing to worry about after… Earlier

I hate how this turned out D: I’ve noticed that sims in my game aren’t fond of the “enthuse about…” interactions. And then it ruins things like this.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photo “Madeleine: “Yes! Did you see that? Today must be my lucky day!”

Don’t boast too much, love!

She’s really doing great though! Maybe she didn’t make the best first impression, but she’s been working really hard ever since.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “We didn’t start the fire It was always burning Since the world’s been…”

What’s the name of the song? I love everything connected to fireXD

It’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel! Warning: It’s super catchy.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “I absolutely fell in love with these cute pants some time ago but I…”

I think I will overuse these pants now:D So thank you for introducing them in the first place:D And for shoutout!

I was glad to help! And… I remember those girls!

Thank youuu! I’m a “high waisted everything” kinda girl, so of course I had to recolour these so I could use them even more often. And I’m glad that I’m not the only one, I mean, the reblogs and likes on this post are insane.

And yay, glad you remember them! Juliet and Amber were easier to recognize, I guess, but the other two, Lily and Lavender…I haven’t posted them too much, ever. I forgot how pretty they were *-* I will definitely use them as my models for recolours and stuff.

dandylion240 replied to your post “I didn’t expect to come up with a whole backstory for Caleb and…here…”

I like your ideas for him though

Thank you so much! I’ve been seeing him on my dash a lot lately, so it’s kinda weird seeing like three different versions of him at once, especially when someone makes him do things my version of him would never do :D

whysimstho replied to your photoset “There you go…some gen 3 moments with no context. Good luck figuring…”

#5 Sunset signs here dad up for Simdr #6 it’s lit

1o8percent replied to your photoset “There you go…some gen 3 moments with no context. Good luck figuring…”

I’m intrigued by the last one.

desira-sims replied to your photoset “There you go…some gen 3 moments with no context. Good luck figuring…”

I don’t approve of the second one. No tears! I’ll gladly take more of the 4th and get the feeling she’s a little tired of seeing it all the time. Fire is also bad, but I guess the conversation was to good to stop. And that last one. Oh that’s great.

dandylion240 replied to your photoset “There you go…some gen 3 moments with no context. Good luck figuring…”

Why is Ross crying? Nothing better have happened to Caleb

*evil laughter*

I love how you guys assume the worst. I mean, I’m not surprised. I tend to accidentally kill my sims a lot this year. Well, you’ll find out very soon what is actually going on in these!

Also, just a side note, that child in picture #4 is Lucian and he’s not a girl, but I will admit he looks like one (and I’m fairly sure he knows that too and is okay with that, I mean, if he didn’t want to look like that, he’d beg for a haircut), so no worries. Just throwing it out there.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Oh, try to do Salim Benali!”

Aw he looks adorable! It makes me love him even more,

elisabettasims replied to your post “Oh, try to do Salim Benali!”

Salim is hard because he’s already pretty good looking, etc. He’s the dad of one of my sims who I did a BC with and founded my legacy on her, LOL(Anissa Hoffmann, she has her mom’s last name). Though I guess REALLY Salim and her mother are the founders but, I didn’t start a legacy until after her BC.

I agree, he’s definitely one of the few miracle townies who don’t need fixing.

Also, thank you!

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Ugh, I hate this already. Can I go back to being an adorable evil…”

You can be an adorable evil child instead!

Oh, she will be.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Gwyneth: “Ready to age up, sweetie?” Avery: oh mum you bet”

Why is Gwyneth so cute I can’t even describe it!

Her cute face is the only reason why I thought “well, I could try a BPR I guess…”

Seriously. I’ve never really cared about berries, I’ve always prefered vanilla sims and berries were just something I created in cas from time to time and then never touched again. I still prefer vanilla sims and kinda doubt I’ll ever start another berry save.

elisabettasims replied to your photoset “Right…so now you’re a middle aged mum with a midlife crisis and a…”

I HATE THAT STUPID HAIR AND HOW IT SHOWS UP ON EVERYONE WHEN THEY AGE UP. *coughcough* Sorry. Had a bad flashback seeing that.

I hate it so much too! But actually, wanna hear a deep dark secret? I once used it on a sim…unironically. Like I actually thought it was cute.

I was 11 though, so that makes it okay, I think. I hope.

#replies #autistichatkid #desira-sims #tiny-tany-thaanos #1o8percent #igglemouse #brightlysimming #lilleputtu #elisabettasims #deathflowertea #tashsim #toxoplasmajuice #dandylion240 #whysimstho

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whaleyoufeedmenuggets · 6 years ago

Note

Im too lazy to look at the questions so DO ALL OF THEM. (if you dont wanna then go on a random number generator and get 5 random numbers)

ITS REALLY LONG BUT I DID IT KJSHADJS HERE GOES i love oversharing my lifealso im putting a read more line bc its hella long

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

ehhh depends on my mood. i’d say it’s (dark) chocolate most of the time (love that 70% dark chocolate mmMmMm)

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!! except when it gets all over my face and hair o no

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

common report book comments included

- very active

- bright

- “the live wire of the class”

- usually distracted but still does well

- mischievous

- playful

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

bottles so that i can close it and save the rest for later and not have to chug it yeet

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

sportswear #sweatpantsalldayeveryday

7. earbuds or headphones?

def headphones but they’re inconvenient sometimes :/

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows!! (also, my adhd ass can’t get through a movie without zoning out oops)

9. favorite smell in the summer?

i haven’t experienced /real/ summer (thank u singapore’s tropical climate) but i rly like the smell of rain :”)

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

making up excuses to skip pe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

belvitas before morning practice

croissant sandwich and chocolate milk after practice

if there’s no practice, then scrambled eggs from the dining hall lolol

if i’m too lazy to go to the dining hall, then cereal

12. name of your favorite playlist?

it’s literally called jams and the description is “a clusterfuck of stuff i’ve jammed to at some point”

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

gummy bears/sour patch kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

death of a salesman - arthur miller

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

with one foot up on the chair and the other leg sitting normally

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

a pair of asics sneakers

18. ideal weather?

15ºc/60ºf when its like cool but not too cold but also not ridiculously hot and also when theres no insane wind (a light breeze is fine)

19. sleeping position?

on my left side and hugging a pillow/bolster/soft toy

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i like the feeling of pen and paper but im disorganized as hell so an apple pencil + ipad makes a good enough substitute

21. obsession from childhood?

frogs (i’ve loved them since i was 3 hehe)

22. role model?

a dude i used to train with for a while in 2014. he retired last year but he’s always looked out for me like an older brother since we trained together (he’s 8 years older than me lmao) and even thought i’m so far away rn he still checks in on me and stuff and idk he’s probably one of the swimmers i respect the most.

23. strange habits?

i cant fall asleep at night if im not hugging something. like. it could be a pillow. or a soft toy. literally anything. once on a school trip i hugged a pair of sweatpants to sleep bc i legit cant fall asleep if im not hugging something.i have no problem falling asleep in class/on buses/cars/planes though.

24. favorite crystal?

idk i never really paid enough attention to crystals to actually have a favorite and know their names. they’re all rly pretty tho.

25. first song you remember hearing?

uhh h h i honestly can’t remember. probably some classical music bc i played the violin and that was my first experience of music that i was actually aware of????

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

switch on the aircon and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch. and swimming outdoors i guess.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

switch on the heater and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch.

do u see a pattern here

28. five songs to describe you?

jet lag - simple plan (bc time zones suck and i miss my fam & friends)

avalanche - bring me the horizon (pretty much sums up how tf my brain feels)

high hopes - p!atd

astronaut - simple plan

the reckless and the brave - all time low

29. best way to bond with you?

doing dumb shit with me

also Quality Time™️ like idk even if we’re chilling and doing our own shit i like just spending time with people im comfortable enough with

30. places that you find sacred?

idk

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

a hoodie and sweatpants

for no reason other than that’s what i wear 90% of the time

32. top five favorite vines?

I AM CONFUSION!!! AMERICA EXPLAIN

this bitch empty. yeet.

im in my mom’s car VROOM VROOM

the one of that dad playing the saxophone (???) and the kid slamming the oven door open and shut

road works ahead “haha yea sure hope it does!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either lmao or lolol or LMFAO or yeet

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

gOD i had spotify ads stuck in my head all the time before i switched to premium and now i cant remember any of them (thank god)

35. average time you fall asleep?

i’d say 12:30-1ish

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

the tROLL FACE MEME LIKE those rage faces idk what they’re called but BASICALLY THOSE 2010-2012 era memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!!! i like sitting on them and yeeting myself around on them or getting people to push me around and then falling off

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

ngl i havent had either of them before

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

so in jc2 (aka 12th grade), for some reason PEOPLE WERE PUTTING PRE-PACKAGED HARD BOILED EGGS ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. like they were still in their wrappers and all but u could open ur schoolbag and find like 5 eggs in there. and no one knew where they came from. i think at one point there were even eggs hanging from the pull-up bars. all i know is that they were everywhere and people in my batch still remember it as the egg invasion of acjc.

41. last person you texted?

my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

def jacket!!! especially when they have zips hehe

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

idk man depends on my mood

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi bc im a fricken nerd

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

shirt and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

cheddarrr also i like mozzerrella sticks

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

a fineapple B)

lmao jk ummmm maybe a watermelon bc when u hit it it sounds hollow, just like how my skull would sound if someone hit it (h a)

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

here for a good time not for a long time

never give up without a fight

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

idk probably some dumb meme. i laugh at a lot of stuff like i laugh anything even mildly funny. some that i can think of off the top of my head are:

- i was tryna type ducky but typed fucky instead and sOmEOnE (could be the person who submitted this ask, idk tho) changed my facebook messenger nickname to fucky and the notification was like ”poopy butthole changed your nickname to fucky” and i think that’s still the funniest sentence i’ve read in my whole life

- one time we went to mcdonalds and a friend said mcfluffy instead of mcflurry and idk why but i laughed so hard at that

- once @doduo and i spent half a chinese lesson cutting out random faces from the chinese newspaper and sticking them randomly all over the classroom and idk. it was the funniest thing ever. until the teacher came over and confiscated my scissors rip.

51. current stresses?

- an essay draft (that i am procrastinating rn by doing this, oops)

- CANADIAN TRIALS (but thats a good kind of stress)

- submitting a proposal for a group project but none of my groupmates are freaking replying my texts ugh

52. favorite font?

avenir next!! i find san serif fonts way easier to read than serif lolol.i like helvetica neue too.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

dry af but also i just got my nails done so they pretty rn hehe

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i…havent had a real job yet

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk i was never rly one for fairy tales even as a kid.

56. favorite tradition?

chinese new year when we get CASH and we spend 3 days just eating junk yEET im rly sad im gonna be missing it the next few years tho

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hh h h hh hhh hh hh they’re pretty personal i don’t /really/ wanna put it out here but i can text you the answer to this if you want (i’m perfectly fine with that!!)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

- i think i’m pretty intuitive!!! i can guess anyone’s mbti if i’ve spent enough time with them/gotten a detailed enough description of them /winks/ and i can read people pretty well in general and i can draw links to themes/symbols in lit pretty well….???

- i’m somewhat decent at lettering…i think

- i’m good at pull-ups and also vertical jumps i’m secretly a froge

- i’m decent at photography…i guess….

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

yeet

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

pokemon !!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

/sweats/ i’m not very good at remembering lines from books/movies/shows WELP

62. seven characters you relate to?

JAKE PERALTA - b99

rosa diaz - b99

linguine - ratatouille (he’s permanently confused and he let a ratto take over his job bc he had no idea what he was doing like damn what a big mood)

dory - finding nemo/finding dory (i relate to the forgetfulness)

percy jackson

kale bae /winks/

mitt (during bad phases) /winks again, but sadly/

63. five songs that would play in your club?

idek man i wouldnt even be at my own club i’d be at home taking a nap i’ll just ask someone else to handle my playlist

64. favorite website from your childhood?

club penguin !!!

65. any permanent scars?

yE one of them was from jumping onto a treadmill going at 13km/h 2 years ago bc i thought i was a good idea

66. favorite flower(s)?

i dont have any

67. good luck charms?

i eat pancakes for breakfast on meet days!!!! altho i think this is more of a habit than a good luck charm tbh lmao.

also i guess pip???? he’s my emotional support narwhal :’)

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

durian. i cant stand the stuff or anything flavored like it ugh.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

red food coloring is derived from beetles

70. left or right handed?

right

71. least favorite pattern?

overly-floral patterns i guessssss. also i hate wearing stripes.

72. worst subject?

chinese

besides that, math and physics

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i rly like vanilla ice cream and fries

also i would eat ketchup with nearly anything

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

i usually just suck it up and go to sleep when it comes to pain but i guess an 8??? idk. i usually take advil/ibuprofen only for fevers

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i got my first loose tooth on january 11 2005 and it fell out on january 18 2005 & it was a tuesday (pls don’t ask me how i remember this bc i dont know)

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

tater tots

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

cactus i guess. idk im not good at plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

grocery store sushi (it was pretty decent in singapore so yeeeee lmao also i ate a lot of that as a kid)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

its the same photo for both so yeAh

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

idk i always called them fireflies

82. pc or console?

console I LOVE THE FEEL OF BUTTONS

83. writing or drawing?

drawing (more like doodlign for me bc i cant draw for shit)

84. podcasts or talk radio?

neither but if i rlllllly had to choose then podcasts i guessss s sss

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither LMAO i gave all my barbies haircuts when i was a kid bc i didnt know what to do with them

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology for sure!! i love greek mythology (may or may not be bc of percy jackson lolol)

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

losing those i love and care about (could be drifting or actual death it goes both ways)

88. your greatest wish?

rn, for my essay to write itself

for the short-term, to make the olympics (and WUGs…and worlds…and sea games…and asian games…and commonwealth games lmao)

for the long-term, uhhh idk. i just wanna live a life i’m satisfied with and to have a job i actually like and to be able to support my parents

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my mom

90. luckiest mistake?

i always say that i regret doing a year of college in singapore instead of coming here for freshman year but if i’d come in a year earlier like i was supposed to, i proba wouldn’t have made it past swim team tryouts and i made some pretty great friends in my first year of college soooo it all worked out i guessi cant think of any others rn

91. boxes or bags?

bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights are rly pretty!!but i like natural light :”)

93. nicknames?

deb

debs

debo

debbo

alpha childuhh h h i think thats about it??? i cant remember any others

94. favorite season?

spring’s pretty great rni like fall too (before it gets cOLd)

95. favorite app on your phone?

insta/tumblr/telegram

96. desktop background?

a photo of me looking rly cool at the starting blocks before a race B)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4 - mine (singapore & US), my mom’s and my dad’s

98. favorite historical era?

uhh h h idk the ice age seemed pretty cool haha sike it was actually coldmedieval times seemed pretty cool too like damn i want a suit of armorWHEW I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS but i had fun so yeet

also if you read all the way down here ily and you’re cool

#ask #this was hella long #but also hella fun

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arisalty · 6 years ago

Text

i’ve been here the whole time singing you a song

This one-shot was made for @notveryglittery , whose birthday is today, so Happy Birthday!

Tbh I planned the basic outline and wasn't even going to introduce quite a few characters but I did and I went with it - I hope yall like it :) As this is my first time writing Royality, any constructive criticism is accepted!

lowkey want to plan something else for this now but also don't want to set another target just yet as im a bit busy and dont wanna overload myself :/ yikes oh well

Dani, Happy Birthday! Enjoy this Royality!

AO3

Word count:

Roman had noticed a few things lately. One at the forefront of his mind was that Patton Heart was really fucking adorable.

Of course, nobody could know of this. If anyone of his friends found out he would be screwed.

Yes, his whole friend group were gay (or ace, or bi, or pan or nonbinary) disasters, but they were also incredibly good wing-people, with a high rate of getting two people dating -- and Roman didn’t want to ruin the naturalness of their friendship.

And worse he couldn’t let anyone know that The Emperor had a crush. And by extension, that meant that he couldn’t allow his crime-fighting partner (and asshat of an older brother) to find out; Virgil’s tongue was always looser when donned with the costume of Poison Shadow. And the city would be in an uproar of the thought of The Emperor liking someone romantically- and if it ever got out who it was, it would put Patton in serious danger.

But Roman couldn’t help but notice the little smiles Patton gets when talking about some of the animals in the shelter he volunteered at, or the ways his eyes light up when he gushed about the heroes of the city.

The way his open gaze instilled a feeling of trust.

And dear lord it was not helping the gay mess that was Roman Kingston.

“Alright, shithead, what’s up with you?”

“I tell you and I’m doomed you insolent sloth.” The owner of the monotonous voice shot a glance at the prying sibling.

“Right. That’s really fucking useful to know.” Dripping sarcasm; the asshat was not only prying but also getting annoyed now! Yay!

“Oh, piss off. Let me be a disaster in peace.”

The elder stood, shaking his head, before walking to the other edge of the rooftop they were perched on.

“Hurry up! Today is a sparring day.” Virgil, seeing Roman making no attempt to move, pushed forward with his mind, pushing the darkest shadows up until they were able to slap Roman across the face. “Come on, idiot. The night isn’t gonna last forever!”

Grumbling, the man in his late teens stood from his position on the edge of the rooftop, reluctantly turning at the end of the roof, with sarcastic jazz hands at his sides.

And just like that, they were sparring. Virgil completely flattened The Emperor in 3 separate rounds before some sense seemed to be knocked into the dramatic hero’s head. The furious flashes of light and dark clashed throughout the area, silent except the heavy breathing of the men, and the jibes thrown between the space between them.

It was another while before they were tired, as their sparring took place at least twice a week- they needed to stay in shape even over their sports and workouts.

Roman sat on the edge of the rooftop next to his brother, slowly regaining his breath.

When the villain attacked, it was not appreciated by the two teens. They were tired and generally unwilling to have to use their already exhausted powers. Their fighting was lacklustre and they took any moment they could to stop and perch off railings or on rooftops.

Flashes of light across the night were brief but would warp the situation, allowing shadows, viscous as ink moved away in slow patterns, stalking the villain until finding it’s perfect time to strike, pushing the villain backwards, dragging them forwards then dropping them off the edge of the building.

Yet the villain didn’t waver in power. At a mere flick of fingers, the Emperor fell backwards, barely left any time to make a platform for him to stagger onto.

How were they going to get this person then?

“What does your immoral soul bother us with, foul villain?”

“Oh, nothing really. I was just bored, so I decided to mess around with these powers I earnt the other day.”

The pale blue light of the moon offset by the warmer glow from the Emperor's hand gave enough light to see fangs flash under the mask that covered the upper half of their face.

“Why set about destroying the city, fuckwad? Why not just, I don’t know, sleep, like a normal person?”

“Ew, no, sleep? That drains me more. Plus, don’t we all need to have a little bit of chaos in our lives?”

Roman could feel the eyes rolling in his elder’s head.

“What the fuck about us two says put together, dipshit? We’re fucking disasters!”

“My fair partner has a valid point. We are fucking disasters ,” Roman eyed the inky lattice forming under the villain's feet for a second before he continued. “We’re both messes of human beings in general- have you seen his room, it's an atrocity - and my room has far too much stuff that I am far too attached to get rid of. Then there's the point that we’re both doing this along with studying for school which in itself drains your energy and the final point is, well,”—the smirk thrown his way by Poison Shadow was all he needed—”We really aren’t all that dumb.”

Poison Shadow ripped his fist upwards, the shadowed lattice folding and bending around the villain, as the Emperor reached out and began to set the still fluid shadows. The cage kept the villain in, and finally, the villain showed some kind of emotion; fear radiated from their composure; arms wrapped around their torso, fist fiddling with their cloak edge, shoulders up to their ears.

Roman pitied the now much smaller opponent. Ego and expectations of power high in their mind with newfound strength ruled their minds. The Emperor turned away, patting Poison Shadow on the back as went after he silently checked his brother was okay with dealing with him.

As he crossed the bridged gap between buildings, he heard his brother’s cry, and then he felt himself flying backwards over buildings, body limp as a rag doll as his brain tried to comprehend which was up or down or the sky or ground. Once he finally stopped moving, he found himself winded and bruised and somehow not broken- though he felt it- on a balcony. With a very familiar curious face peering down at him.

Patton. Fucking. Heart.

It was his luck, wasn’t it? He’d get thrown about like an unused toy to be left in his worst state on the balcony of one of his favourite people in the world.

“Oh my goodness, are you all right? Is anything broken? Do you need some water, food, comfort?” The stream of babble poured from Patton, his pale blue eyes wide with worry, both searching his body to analyse for damage and keeping eye contact to calm the disorientated hero.

Thank goodness these powers strengthen my bones and skin.

“Uhm… I think… I’ll be,” The Emperor was interrupted by a fit of coughing, which he dealt with but rolling onto his front and slowly making his way to his knees. “Actually, could I, uh, have a glass of water.”

Patton nodded earnestly, and even through the lingering dizziness pounding in his mind, Roman could make out the curls of Patton’s hair reflecting the cool blue of the moon. The smaller figure retreated into the building, just as Roman felt a buzz in his pocket.

Pulling out the smartphone, he huffed at the once again smashed screen to read the text he received.

Very Early Womb-mate - 11:35

-- sorry dude didnt see that coming

-- dick had us fooled into thinkin he was subdued

--you went flying tho, it was kinda hilarious

-- i got it handled, he’s trapped until police arrive

Me - 11:38

--oh ok

Very Early Womb-mate - 11:39

-- u ok? Or do i need to pick u up

Me - 11:40

-- nah it’s cool i landed on a classmates balcony, just a bit dizzy

Very Early Womb-mate - 11:40

-- cool, dickwad, dont reveal anything

Me - 11:40

-- bold of you to assume i would

-- k byeeee xxx :)))))

Very Early Womb-mate - 11:41

-- :/

Patton returned, carrying the glass.

“I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back, my parents were wondering what happened and I figured you didn't want to be crowded so I just made up a lie and then they got me to do a quick job and uh— here.”

Roman took the drink, downing as much of it as he could, before stopping to try and stand.

“Tough villain, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess. I was knocked back ‘cos I was caught off guard. I thought Poison had got them - he was inside a huge cage, you see - so when he lashed out again after being subdued it surprised us.”

Roman looked over the city wistfully. The sky was clear and the air was fresh, with little to no breeze. Roman took this time to notice that Patton was wearing only his pyjamas and a zip hoodie thrown over the top.

“Do you need to help Poison Shadow then? It looked like you were thrown far.”

“Nah, Patton, he sent a few texts to say he handled it.”

Patton nodded in understanding, before cocking his head sideways.

“Wait, you know me?”

Shit.

Roman ran through his words and cursed at his loose mouth.

“Uh, oh yeah,” Roman coughed out, scratching at his neck, unconsciously picking at the skin. “You, uh, go to the same school as me. We’re in the same year, actually.”

You’re oversharing! The voice of his brother rang out in his head.

“Wait, really?”

God, Roman absolutely adored the way Patton’s eyes lit up, the tiny specks of green almost glowing in the natural light around them. Anything else and Roman might actually die on the spot. He just thanked his younger-little-dramatic-shit self and wanted to hide his and Virge’s faces from the world - at least Patton wouldn't be able to see his glowing red face.

“That’s so cool! I could tell you were a teen, I didn’t realise you were like, that close to me!” Patton waved his hands about excitedly, and that’s it. Roman felt like he was melting into a puddle. His friend was so cute, and he just wanted to hold Patton to his chest and treasure him and spoil him with cakes and serenades and movie nights.

Roman somehow managed to keep talking for a while, but he was going to go insane soon. He just wanted to give Patton a hug, goddamnit !

They were shook from their conversation by the door opening to reveal Declan Heart, whose eyes flew open at the visitor Patton apparently had.

“Oh my god, Logan, come out here,” he hissed out of the side of his mouth, mismatching eyes darting from the sheepish look on Patton's face to the city known hero on his house’s balcony.

When Declan’s twin cast appeared in the doorway, Patton waved, somewhat cheery, opposed to Roman’s more fidgety behaviour, his skin prickling under the gazes of the two older twins. He had only met Logan on one occasion, and he was intimidated, to say the least.

“Suprise!” Patton giggled, with jazz hands waving at his brothers, very different from the delivery Virgil would have given in this situation.

“I knew that there was a lie somewhere in your excuse earlier!” Declan’s quiet exclamation made its way into the silence, but this just made Roman more uncomfortable under the blank stare he was receiving from Logan.

"Well, I had to because otherwise, this ," — Patton waved at the group they had formed around the hero — "would happen and the last thing that needs to happen after being thrown really far and being bashed about is being crowded. Plus, this was my lucky day." Patton giggled, throwing a wink sideways to Roman, and oh no , Roman was a mess. He felt like spontaneously combusting while gripping his heart and dramatically dying on the floor where he stood.

Yet the only reaction to this was somehow a brief panic before a smile broke out and Roman was able to laugh along a bit.

"Patton, why, might I ask, did you conceal this from both me and Declan? I understand your point on crowded-ness but you also know of our fascination with the heroes and our possible future career paths."

Logan's words made Patton look down guiltily, revealing that Logan's words were true, but he fiddled with his bracelet on his wrist before looking upwards towards the elder twin.

"Because... Because I didn't want to?"

Patton then frowned, looking almost... angry. But not towards anyone- his gaze was at the floor, more as if he was angry at himself. Logan let a smile slip onto his lips, the same teasing smile once Virgil managed to wind up Roman.

"Valid reasoning. I know for a fact my excuse would be more or less the same."

Patton brightened up again, but Roman didn't have a chance to admire him again as Declan had burst out with an exclamation asking for an autograph.

This whisked away Roman's attention for a while, ending up in a selfie with the three with his magic glowing through his veins for proof of authenticity and various things being signed as well as a note Roman felt obligated to write to the Heart parents for their (unknown) hospitality.

He even got all of them to make a small piece of memorabilia for him to keep to remember them should he not be able to visit them again. Logan gave a small origami gift, Declan a yellow feather. In Patton's case, he had to think for a few seconds before his face absolutely lit up. He rushed a tiny, absolutely minuscule potted cactus, the plant itself being about the size of his thumb, to roman, with the most adorable and sincere face.

"Here! Take Ophelia - I grew her myself. That being said, it's probably best you don't have a feel of her , she's a bit prickly!"

A groan rumbled in Logan's throat at the pun, contrasting the chuckles from Roman and Dec, followed by the all too familiar buzz of Roman's phone.

Very Early Womb-mate - 12:56

-- What the FuCK you ass?? its been an hour or so what the fuck is taking you so long?????

-- mom's gonna start to freak, u need to get home as soon as u can

-- idiot

Me - 11:56

-- aksdflaksdhfkljkj what the fuck i lost track of time heck i'll get home asap

Roman shoved his cracked phone into a pocket and grinned sheepishly.

"My brother has warned me against impending doom known as my mother and her lectures if I don't return home soon. I thank you all for your lovely donations of memorabilia and allowing me to stay. However, it is nearly 1 o'clock and we have been out here an awfully long time. Farewell, fellow humans!"

Roman turned away, climbing over the railing and forming a golden step of light in front of him.

"Ah, right, that reminds me. We were sent up here to make sure you hadn't fallen asleep up here Patton. We got sidetracked though. Come on, Pat." Logan chimed.

As Roman was leaping away over steps made for him, he could faintly hear Patton respond about watering 'Candice' and 'Bobby', which he could assume were plants, before heading inside.

Roman luckily escaped with his hide when he managed to sneak in through the window just in time before his mom burst in, looking for him. He used the excuse of being on his phone as a reason for being awake - which did admittedly get his phone taken away - but at least he wouldn't have to listen to a rant.

And as he settled to sleep, he was caught up in thinking. Remembering. Adoring.

Yes, Roman was a mess, but at least tonight he could sleep easy after the beautiful image of Patton in the moonlight, playful glint in his eyes; him holding out a tiny cactus supplied with a pun; his excited face once he realised something interesting.

It wasn't much, but to Roman it was everything.

#i haven't added the italics on here #oh well #my writing #birthday gift #notveryglittery #dani deserves the world #royality #roman sanders #patton sanders #ts patton #ts roman #ts virgil #brotherly prinxiety

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logically-asexual · 4 years ago

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i’m going to talk about this in more detail because it’s oversharing hour and i want to let it out, but my wrist hurts and i dont want to write it down on paper lol. includes talk about abusive relationships, so be warned.

so my family is a hot mess but i, particularly, haven’t been emotionally or physically abused by them. maybe a little of the emotional type but in the past year, not earlier, as far as i remember. and yet, i can remember that even since i was playing pretend as a kid i would always want to be the hero that lost, that got captured by the villian and eveything went wrong. it was weird and i knew that and i never talked about it with anyone.

then i went back to being a normal kid and didn’t think about this much. until high school. i am not sure where it started. i remember that when i watched Heathers (the musical and the movie) i already had thought about it but i don’t remember where i got the idea from. maybe from sanders sides fanfiction? but i dont think so.. i dont know. anyway the point is that by then i already had this idea in my head that abusive relationships were? enticing? or something. and Heathers was kind of the breaking point because it made me feel so much. feel what? i d o n t know. im asexual, but i guess it was like how one would feel sexually attracted when seeing hot people, and you can’t look away. Meant To Be Yours wouldn’t leave my mind and i played it on repeat over and over. i replayed the scences of JD forcing Veronica into kisses she didn’t want. the image of how he hugs here in Our Love Is God always made me feel so... much.

then oh!! how fun, Deceit appeared as a new villian in Sanders Sides. and so did the fanfics with him being abusive and it’s some kind of guilty pleasure for me to read those. i remember there was a blog abusive-deceit on here and i miss it all the time. i think i unfollowed it because it no longer posted works nor headcanons or anything. but i still look for them on ao3, and recently it’s been getting worse, because nothing is enough. today i found a really cool anymatic of him singing Good for You from DEH to Virgil and i was in a trance. i can’t get abusive/unsympathetic Janus or Remus out of my head because i am obsessed with the idea of them (Particularly Janus) being manipulative and toxic and selfish and using another character tricking them into liking or getting together with him or whatever.

now i know what we think about isn’t a reflection of who we are or what we want in real life. i have read a lot about other cases with women having “weird” fantasies that are actually perfectly normal and healthy, as long as you acknowledge that it isn’t something you’d want in real life. the psychologist on the website i mentioned above compared it to boys playing violent videogames but not wanting to do any of that irl. still, it can become a problem.

particularly i think it has become one for me because i don’t quite enjoy any other kinds of works anymore. i think i never did much. i genuinely don’t know if it’s worse now or i only think that because now i’m thinking it might be touble. still it’s true that i dont find other more normal fanfics with explicit consent and other healthy stuff being represented as fun to read or to daydream about as ones with gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, etc. my list of daydream stories are Janus tricking another side and using their romantic feelings for him to his advantage, Remus abusing his royal power, Roman being some popular older teen in hs using that privilege on a particular younger and socially-inexperienced kid, etc.

the psychologist also mentioned that the issue might be due to at one point in your past having made a mental connection of that kind of situation with excitement or another pleasant emotion, and it got sealed in your memory (even if you didn’t live abuse yourself). and that it is important to not let this affect your real life relationships. so far i’ve only gotten close to being in a (romantic) relationship once, and i did have a fight in my head between “this is our opportunity: be good and let him do whatever he wants” and “no, we know its wrong and we already have troubles at home we don’t want more”. the second one won, because i have a lot of support and am well informed about the issues, and that first voice wasn’t too loud *. but i don’t know if i will be able to luck out like that again, maybe it’ll become another reason to avoid seeking relationships alltogether.

i am a little scared. i spend hours and hours on ao3 fishing for fanfics like those i want. and there are, which is a relief. i feel less alone. but after researching a little tonight i realized i should stop indulging those fantasies and start being more careful, because it can become a problem. i don’t know how to, though. i love them and it’s something i have had in my mind since i can remember. and i do trust my psychologist on many things but talking about my stupid feelings when it comes to romance isn’t one of them. it’s embarrassing and i don’t like it. and this would be even worse.

i am just.. scared. and lost. and oh so lonely.

thinking about it.. maybe it’s how Logan said in Remus’s video that thomas’s intrusive thoughts felt like a threat because he felt out of control and like a bad person. maybe these fantasies i have feel like a threat now because i’m very lonely and i am scared that i might seek a realtionship like this when i have the opportunity. i haven’t. i was firm the last time that boy i almost got into a relationship with messaged me again last month. still, i don’t know if i trust myself. and if i did i guess it still would be a problem i’d have to address and solve, but i don’t want to.

i just don’t want to. i crave this weird satisfying emotion.

ugh.

big day of revelations today. i am going to go back to my usual ao3 search and forget about this.

* to be clear, this boy wasn’t abusive to me in the slightest, he was very kind, only a little bad with boundaries. i just had this feeling that i should let him do anything he wanted and just me be there to care for him even if that wasn’t what he was asking for (listen to Cool Girl by dodie). but i didn’t let that thought grow at all and at the end i decided to cut contact with him for my emotional safety.

hhh i googled “is it normal to think about x” hoping to find out that it was, in fact, normal, and found a reddit post with a woman with the same experience as me and everyone is telling her to get therapy 😭 but i really don’t want to bring that up to my psychologist ugh.

#abuse tw #abusive relationship #abusive relationship tw #abuse mention #abusive deceit #abusive janus #unsympathetic janus #?? what else do i tag this as

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bitchin-lesbian · 8 years ago

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flower crown fairy lights daisies 1975 matte black nail polish pantone moodboard stars plants converse lace handwriting cactus sunrise oil paints overalls combat boots winged eyeliner pastel tattoos piercings bands messy bun cry baby grunge space white bed sheets old books beaches eyes 11:11 painting lightning thunder storms love clouds coffee marble >:D

:Flower crown: today

Fairy lights: will i ever fuckin Stop

Daisies: i got out of my fuckin hometown of 600 people. thank gods.

1975: i taught my brother to dab the other day, v proud big sister

Matte: maybe i’d change a few things, but not too much

Black nail polish: eh, kinda. I want to travel to other countries, learn as many languages as i can, and meet at least 1 famous person

Pantone: my roommate is fucking great. she puts up with my bullshit and my depression and anxiety and my poor broke ass and my complaints. she's fuckin hilarious and great at drawing and is funny and beautiful and i would fuckin die for her in a heartbeat.

Moodboard: some parts were good i guess.

Stars: fuck i dont even remember the last time i cried

Plants: my roommate @iceychuu cuz she can point out constellations and other awesome shit

Converse: buddy i have an oversharing problem, literally anyone that shows an interest in me and my life will have to listen to my strife and sufferings

Lace: my friend Jonathan, he’s a good buddy of mine

Handwriting: i think it would be to my brother, i’d say something about how much i loved him and how proud of him i was, and that i wanted him to do amazing and i’d be there in ghost form to kick anyone’s ass that dared to fucking try to hurt him.

Cactus: listen. brown eyes. they’re fucking gorgeous. omg. s o pre tty.

Sunrise: ‘Aut viam inveniam aut faciam’ ‘i will find a way or i will make one’- not exactly a quote, but close enough since im too lazy to find one of my faves right now. im gonna fuckin push my way through any struggles i have whether i gotta go down a given path or beat my way through.

Oil paints: ‘I Got 99 Problems and I Am 87 of Them’ or ‘Allow Me to Seduce You with My Greek Mythology Knowledge’ or ‘You Probably Think I Can’t Get Any Lower, but I’m Taking That as a Challenge, Bicth’

Overalls: pay off my tuition, make myself financially stable, make the family members i care able financially stable and pay off their tuition, make my friends financially stable and pay off their tuition, and probably just make people’s fuckin day by buying clothes or food or things people need for people that need it. maybe id build a fucking monument flipping off Donald Trump.

Combat boots: im so fucking forgiving its ridiculous. sometimes i wish i could be less forgiving.

Winged eyeliner: Buddy listen, you’re bi. yes, girls are hella pretty, and yeah sometimes guys are okay when they aren’t fucking terrifying or stupid as fuck. this is normal, relax. also, fuck everyone in town, they don’t matter. quit basketball, focus on yourself. dont try to die. harrison is not as perfect as you think he is. dedicate your life to weightlifting, you’ll feel badass and strong. cut your hair, you’ll be amazed at the difference. don’t be cringey. you’re cringey. you’re a fucking loser, so is everyone else. pink is a good color, and makeup is cool too. let girls be girls. don’t try to die, lol.

Pastel: i think i’m more punk? idk i don’t really like many pastel colors very much...

Tattoos: i fucking love tattoos and piercings? i want them so bad and i think they are very fucking attractive.

Piercings: no, makeup is expensive and I've got 0 clue what the fuck im doing. also id rub it all off. and it kinda irritates my face.

Bands: Bring Me the Horizon was my favorite band for a long ass time because their songs made me think ‘holy shit this is a normal feeling; other people feel alone and tired and sad and shitty like me too, someone understands’ and yeah

Messy bun: We are destroying the human race and the planet with Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and the others that are trying to destroy shit, and we need to fucking get our shit together. Or, Stop killing off the LGBT+ characters.

Cry baby: I've been to two Jonas Brothers concerts and one Demi Lovato concert. i dont think i was older than 11 for any of them, and holy shit i was in rapture.

Grunge: Dwayne the Rock Johnson. He could literally write ‘what’s up’ and i’d probably frame it and look at it every day

Space: not really, i’ll work anywhere as long as i’m comfortable

White bed sheets: get pajamas on, get in bed, get on computer until i wanna sleep

Old books: that i kinda hate them lol

Beaches: im thinking a pink color, or maybe a dark ass purple or blue? keep it styled how it is now, longer on the top, shorter on the sides, whatever.

Eyes: my roommate, my friends Josh, Nicole, and MJ, and @dxrk-sxxls and as for where, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wherever the fuck we decided i guess lol this would be an Adventure

11:11: stability, death, and the death of Donald Trump and Mike Pence

Painting: SO IN FUCKING 6TH GRADE I MADE MYSELF INTO A CEREAL KILLER. I WAS A BOX OF CEREAL WITH A BLOODY MACHETE AND NO ONE UNDERSTOOD MY COSTUME AND I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED AND SAD.

Lightning: *finger guns* sucked a dick. i was kinda in a horrible mindset and was hoping he was one of those dangerous strangers that would kill me but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i am still here.

Thunder: hurt my brother.

Storms: this is vague, like the song/person would be there ALL THE TIME, or just whenever i wanted to listen to music or interact with a human being? Mr. Brightside or my roommate

Love: nope, lol

Clouds: i already rock short hair

Coffee: legit i just get a caramel macchiato or a cascara latte, i dont even care who orders for me, even if it gets fucked up as long as theres no mint in it i do not care

Marble: surviving

@dxrk-sxxls i did it bicth

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chekovsphaser · 8 years ago

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so @boyjadzia tagged me to do this super long tag game. I’m probably not gonna tag anyone because its way long but I love a good oversharing moment

tagging: no one

last text sent: “and to u”

list three favourite colours: Red, Black, Teal

what time did u wake up at today: 10:45 am

what were u doing last night at midnight: playing the Sims 4

name something you can’t wait for: I hate to be that guy but I can’t wait to be okay again

when was the last time u saw ur mother: Like two weeks ago, or last weekend on skype

one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: My mental illnesses would be gone.

whats getting on ur nerves rn: My horrid father

favourite tv shows: STAR TREK, X files, Brooklyn 99

first best friend: My older brother definitely.

listening to rn: random comedy playing on Netflix in the background

3 fears: Being abandoned and secretly hated by my friends, becoming homeless, being locked up like in a hospital or jail.

4 turn ons: Funny, Agrees with me on sociopolitical stuff, doesn’t need to be sexual, Aware and Good With mental illness

4 turn offs: Right-wing, boring, bossy, generally insensitive

sexual orientation: Bisexual

senior year quote in my year book: “So long and thanks for all the fish”

first thing i notice in a person: whatever is brightest in colour? like hair or a shirt or shoes.

shoe size: 35 or 5

eye colour: Brown

hair colour: Dark Brown

favourite item of clothing: Currently my LIGHT UP SHOES

what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: Bright pink

favourite season: I like wet season when theres a nice rain sound when you’re indoors. As for the 4-seasons thing, I guess spring - jacket weather!

how much time i spent on designing my blog: not. I just used a theme someone else made.

the reason i joined tumblr: I wanted to enter the community of disability stuff I noticed and it just went from there

do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: my mum sends me good morning texts when she gets up, usually sometime in the afternoon bc timezones. Plus I also talk to people before falling asleep so a lot of goodnight convos

when did i last hold hands: like a few days ago I held hands with a friend

how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: I mean, I can and have been out the door in 2 minutes flat but usually it takes at least 30 minutes to get out bed so 1 hr ish.

have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LOL no

where am i rn: in bed

do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: rI like music at normal volume but I don’t hear very well so I guess it’s pretty loud

3 things i love: my friends, shiny things, space

how i feel rn: a little drunk. I mean im not actually drunk but i feel kind of wack

something i rlly, rlly want: mental health

3 things that upset me: mean people, drama/discourse, world suffering

what i find attractive in other ppl: Wasn’t this question already asked? Personality is everything

3 habits i have: biting stuff, drinking too much soda, sleeping weird patterns

something i fantasize abt: Entering Starfleet and going to space

something im talented at: ~creativity~

the blog i give the most notes to: i have literally 0 idea

last person re-blogged sth from me: boyjadzia

do i smoke/drink: Nope, neither

my favourite food: depends on my mood? sometimes white chocolate, sometimes sushi, sometimes kebab, sometimes beef? mashed potatoes?

my favourite dessert: Brigadeiros - they’re a brazilian sweet made with chocolate and butter and condensed milk

what i did yesterday: skipped first lecture, went to second lecture, grocery shopping, watched a lot of netflix, played the sims.

number of kids i want: 0

number of siblings i have: 2

something thats constantly on my mind: That vine where the dude is playing piano in a parking lot and screaming “everybody loves shit fuck”

last person i messaged on tumblr: my buddy ryanepstein

can i drive: nope

what state or part of the world do i live in: London, UK

am i in school: 3rd year undergrad

do i get grossed out easily: yeah. like I have a lot of stuff like textures and things that gross me out so yeah

somewhere i would like to visit for a week: Really good question. I’m not a fan of travel but I’d like to go to someplace in east Asia or Oceania bc those are the 2 continents I’ve not been to

i’ll love u if: you are kind to me. That’s it. I’m a real sad person.

last show i binge-watched: Brooklyn 99. I rewatched it for the 10th time last week.

what words upset me the most: like slur-type words pretty much?

what words make me feel best abt myself: I have no idea? Any nice words basically.

a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: I usually do a “I hope this turns out okay” of whatever thing I am struggling with that day

who i would switch lives with for a day: IDK. Maybe some cis dude who isn’t mentally ill just so I could see what it was like

my favourite ice cream: i dont like ice cream it’s cold and hurts my teeth.

allergies: Mint, dairy, capsicum peppers, something that’s used in preservatives and I can’t figure out which one and it makes me throw up.

sexiest person to come to mind immediately: yeah no i can’t? I’m too tired to think?

my childhood career choice: I literally used to say “no one knows what they will be when they grow up so why bother” when I was a child. I was a sassy child.

one of my insecurities: that I will die alone because I look like a child and that makes any potential dates uncomfortable.

how many blogs am i following: 386

how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, one tab each. One plays netflix the other is on tumblr

coke or pepsi: coke

tea or coffee: coffee but cold

movie or book: movie probably, I love a good book but unless it’s an audiobook I can’t read for long periods of time in one go because ADHD and stuff.

a sense i would be willing to lose: smell. I have a very poor sense of smell as is (turns out it’s bc thyroid stuff), and have at several points not had any sense of smell. It really doesn’t hurt to lose at all.

quote i live by: I do not.

type of accessory i wear the most: JACKET, or like, spinny rinng?

last awkward situation i found myself in: I straight up asked a girl to her face what her name was because I forgot and she was like “You don’t know my name?” and I was like “I’m sorry??” and it was awkward. turns out she was drunk but I was awkward

what time is it rn: 23:40

a song that made me cry: many songs. Recessional is probably the last one I cried at?

first song u ever sang at karaoke: At like legit karaoke it was that frigging Coldplay song the one with the ruling the world? I don’t remember the title anymore.

#oversharing

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scorpioslut-blog1 · 5 years ago

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Stupid social media

It’s probably been a year... two years... who knows? I’m still at college or whatever, oversharing with pseudo anonymity on tumblr, incapable of journaling like normal or dedicated depressed emo art hoes have been doing for centuries...

Anyways, I guess I went off social media mostly for the first time in my life... temporarily deactivated twitter (until christmas) and instagram (until further notice), still have my finsta which i'm sworn off of, my spam ~aesthetic~ account which literally keeps me going, my art acct which is sort of stagnant as the moment as i dive into my new hobby/class mandated photography obsession, and my new food diary instagram which is pretty lame and literally just for me to reflect on eating habits. oh i'm on adderall right now. which i looove... it just feels good, ur mind feels good, u think hard but like i feel like i could write a novel, clean my room, text everyone i need to catch up with, or i dont know, write on tumblr like a teenager (i’m 21 fucking years old now). Anyway I’ve been thinking a lot recently about anger.... anger as a coping mechanism, justified anger, repressed anger, anger at yourself, hatred for yourself. anger that is productive and unproductive. at cal, anger at white people, at men, at the world, at people. i’m also thinking a lot about paul, the founder of the palestine decal that i’m taking. and how he spoke to our class on tuesday and explained how israelis, like 18 year olds in the IDF, are taught to hate, are conditioned to hate--not even hate--dehumanize. like how by the time an israeli teenager turns 18 they have already been trained for the military--not physically, but psychologically--to see palestinians as less than human. he frames settler colonialism and israeli occupation of palestine as not an ethnic conflict, not ideological, not religious, or cultural--but about LAND. israelis are murdering, dispelling, bombing, etc. palestinians for the cold, painfully simple reason that they are on land that israel wants. it is not because israelis hate palestinians. while that may be true for many individuals, in which israelis may be racist or islamophobic or for whatever reason hate palestinians or see them as less than, that thought process is a result of government conditioning and hegemony. while america is, in some ways, its own unique case study of cultural, religious, ethnic, social, economic “diversity”, paul also said that we’re all the same. in that, there is nothing unique about the palestine/israel instance compared to, say, the british in south africa. or in india. or australia. or the US in the americas or hawaii or the caribbean. there is nothing unique about palestine/israel, except that their colonization was put in a historical context so close to our current timeframe that we are forced to analyze it as if it were an anomaly. but that’s besides the point. anyway, anger. and hate. in america, it made me think a lot about two communities i was somewhat a part of, whether i felt like it or not---percussionville and berkeley. and how similar they are, and how different i feel in both. back home, i was so angry. i was soooo angry. angry at my parents for putting me there, angry at the people i went to school with, angry at admin, at my teachers, at my peers, at boys, at girls, at white people, at the government, just angry. and i stayed angry in college. i removed myself from that environment but still it haunted me. i never let go of that anger, it blinded me, i couldnt even allow myself to process those four years. and i was still so colonized and following a series of unfortunate events, or fate, or my own hypocrisy or internalized white supremacy, i was surrounded by all white friends, while still trying to understand my own relationship to whiteness, how i was similar to my white friends but also how they could never understand. so i was just blindly angry at white people--and after i stopped being friends with them, anger was almost how i coped. and the poc friends i found myself building relationships with shared this anger, encouraged it. they were angry too, for different reasons but also the same, in different contexts, different levels of anger, manifestations, outbursts, and copings. it was easy to hate these individual white people. before, it was easy for me to hate the idea of white people. in high school i hated white people, but i was always surrounded by them, friends with them because there were no other options really. i mean, i was literally living in it. people here don’t get that, i think, except other poc who really were that heavily immersed in that. like i didnt have a choice. isolation is hard. i spent a lot of high school alone, of course, but i'm a social creature no matter how hard i try and fight it. and this summer i think the idea of hating individual white people for the ways in which they wronged you was almost glorified. and i understand that people are angry. but our anger is all different. i can never even begin to understand the anger of a Black person, especially a Black woman, or a woman who has been sexualized constantly for her beauty, objectified and harassed her whole life, or someone who is currently decolonizing and realizing how much they had ignored or allowed their whole lives... these are just examples of people i think about when i try to think about others’ anger. but my anger is my own. i experience it in my own ways; i have been angry my whole life. i think i came out of the womb angry. i've always just been an angry person, and been suppressing it my whole life. that resulted in me mostly being angry at myself my whole life. and the world. i've had healthy anger, misplaced anger, toxic anger, unjustified anger, genetic anger. and i truly believe that healing is knowing how to cope with this lifelong anger, anguish, sadness. i was angry this summer. i was angry because it seemed like the only way to cope, to be angry at the people who i had failed to set boundaries with, people i had hurt, people who had hurt and confused me. angry at white people, men, starting drunken fights at parties, outside bars...

anyway, that was a huuuge tangent but my point is. in relation to the palestine decal guy, paul. he’s a few years older than us, and he was clearly still angry as well. angry at the university, for starters, angry at hypocrisy. but the surprising thing to me was that he did not seem angry at israelis. which is a good thing. and he has every right to be angry, to hate the 18 year old IDF soldier, despite the fact that this might be all they’ve ever known, despite the fact that hate is taught, despite the fact that there might not be anything to make that soldier change, or to change how they see paul. but he wasn’t angry. he didn’t blame individuals. he said this was structural, that zionism was not judaism, despite the constant conflation of the two, especially at cal, especially with people who sit in the same classrooms as us every day. it’s easy to be angry. i’ve been angry at so many people. and i have always accepted that i am flawed, i hurt others, people are angry at me. but i don’t know. i don’t know how it is productive for me to be angry. most recently i got angry at felix. and i definitely am still frustrated by him and don’t think it’s even worth talking about at the moment, or that i have the capacity, but i don’t want to be angry at him. i love him, miss him, wish him the best. just texted him that i miss him actually. anyway, on anger--i tried to make him hold my anger, and just sort of lashed out on him over text. which isnt really productive. at the time i was going through a lot with other people, and i think i was so frustrated with always being painted the bad guy that i wanted someone else to hold my anger. i have held others’ anger, and tried to understand it, so i guess i just wanted someone to do the same for me. it did feel good to yell at him honestly. but anyway. back to my point.

i think about where i'm from, where i grew up, and i have to claim it. i’ve been so angry for the past two years, running away from that place and everything about it. coming to a place that seemed so drastically different at first, but eventually realizing that everywhere is, in many ways, the same. like paul said. i can’t be angry at felix, even if it’s warranted, even if my friends applaud me on the text i sent him. i mean i can. i can be angry at my old friends. but i dont know. i just am so so tired. i'm old. i'm 21.

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 6 years ago

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i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything. I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage.

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo. Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though.

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of. Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all.

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though. For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued.

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it. Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted. Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me. Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out. Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner. At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him.

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice.

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after. The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult. I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much.

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well!

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks.

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.”

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond.

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends. Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now. My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it. I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes. It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things.

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there.

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret.

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too.

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret. Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it.

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could. Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things. It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends. Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am. One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me. I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have.

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when.

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do. Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.

#extremely personal #longest fucking post I've ever written #long post #like FUCKING long post #I hope the read more worked for you

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