#i dont need any more traumatic images in that house...

[seariii]

In that sense it's true... It's good I was over here...

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 6.(Part 1)

The main female protagonist who, has been the “mother /psychiatrist/ fixer/curse-breaker” for 57 eps & 2 seasons, has finally had her own “I’m a real person with my own issues” ep !!!! YESS! So happy!!! also, so underwhelmed. Tohru has been painted to be this utterly selfless & altruistic character for long, that when she’s finally a balanced character it’s presented in half an episode? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ep, but there’s also the same feeling of bullet train that I felt in momiji’s ep! ugh!! I hated that feeling! Go away~ oh well.. I’ll quickly state what I didn’t like, before jumping into what I liked, in order to end with a happier note~

What I didn’t like:

Tohru’s monologue after leaving shigure & Isuzu felt more like a background exposition more than a true character’s thoughts. The reason is that It is quickly narrated with quick flashbacks from the past with intentional pieces missing from the flashback. Pieces like” how did Kyoko hurt tohru? She said to kyo, in se02, ep “ I feel like I’ve only caused her sadness” &  tohru’s flashbacks in se02 of her mother leaving/ closing a door. All these things not included in tohru’s 1st ever personal monologue made it seem like quick fill in for the audience more than tohru’s main struggle. Compare it to Yuki’s 3 ep monologue in se02, filled with all his own background info, hence, we as audience sit back & just feel. With tohru a little brain work is needed of putting things together in the puzzle is needed because NOTHING abt her trauma has ever been explained to us prior to her monologue . Also, compare this kyo. A character who ONLY have 2 eps dedicated to him in 57 eps, yet even without monologues & with hidden secrets for climax purposes, his emotions are clear cuz his background was explained early in se01, ep24 & se02, ep9. Compared to them both, her monologue felt a bit lacking.

What’s up with the following scene? Her crying & kyo comforting her mid-street. He saw her crying, asked what’s wrong & she couldn’t say & he gave her a comforting advice. All good. Kyo always give the most needed advice for tohru to be herself & feel comforted. Se01, “complain more, be selfish” Se02, somen table scene & asking her abt her future plans & the hiro incident. Kyo has tried to guess whats wrong first. Here he saw her cry in the middle of the street & just gave her an advice? couldn’t he at least guess wrongly if it is her granpa? school? anything? This scene is AMAZING but it feels off a little.

Kyo’s “ now I remember” EXCUSE ME?????? se01, ep14, valentine ep, he got a nightmare, then when shigure talked to him, we saw a quick flashback that we didn’t now what it is but now it IS kyoko. se02, the entirety of ep9 & the “ I won’t forgive you” & the flashback of young him with kyoko talking abt tohru. se02, ep 22 his fight with yuki & the clear face of kyoko telling him abt something regarding the hat. His entire shutdown of tohru IS abt kyoko NOT abt him being a monster cuz tohru accepted monster kyo in se01 ep 24! so.. REMEMBER WHAT????? the accident?? I feel like being hit with a rock. I mean, it makes sense that kyo will get PTSD after seeing the hat, cuz he remembers the bloody accident vividly. But it is the dialogue that IS weird. “ I remember” ?? it makes no sense? unless it is another hidden secret & will be revealed later. If so, then forget this point.

Kagura (more on her below). Now, let’s talk abt what I liked!

-Grief (the most difficult theme to express in literature): Excellent writing!

Grief is one of the most diverse human emotions. ppl who grief a loved one either erase everything abt them in order to cope with the pain of loss & live on, or drastically engrave everything, not want any memory to slip away, or hold the deceased on a pedestal, or hate them irrationally in order to forget abt them, some deny that the loved one is gone, others talk to them daily, some act & live normally for years & suddenly it hits them that this loved person is truly gone & they breakdown. Others, direct their disbelief of losing a precious one into the envy that other bad ppl are still living, why my precious one is dead?. Thats why, it is a difficulty emotion to understand by others. Ppl watching you will always think that comforting you is enough & that the longer you take, the more impatient they are with you. Tell me, watching tohru this ep, didn’t you feel that:

Come on. tohru, you can love your mom & kyo! who says only ONE person can be your precious?

Umm, why she cries for her mom NOW? 2 years after her death? Is she over it already?

Tohru~~ your mom aint going no where cuz you loved a guy? she’s in your heart, girl. Ugh!

Compared to yuki who was abused by his parents & kyo whose mom commit suicide in front of him, tohru’s trauma is meh~

Feeling this way abt tohru is exactly how many feel abt ppl struggling with grief. You are NOT a bad person if you felt this way. It means that thankfully you weren’t struck by grief to tohru’s extent or that your grief went about differently than tohru. Grief is a crippling feeling. It is valid, strong, overwhelming, paralyzing & above all very unique to the person themselves. Tohru feeling that her mom is slipping away from her memory is so realistic & utterly heartbreaking. Grief hurts & moving on from grief hurts more!!!! The more you go on & live your life, the more you feel like you betray your loved one.

Tohru’s entire existence is for her mother & so her mother LIVES inside her:

Finishing high school cuz it’s her mother’s request.

Getting a job to sustain herself cuz she has no one to support her financially.

Giving her mom’s wisdom & teachings abt life to others.

imitating her dad’s speaking style to prevent her mom from “leaving”.

Being the perfect girl in order to portray that her mom, who is a gangster & is hinted by the ugly relatives to be unfaithful to her husband due to tohru not taking after her dad, actually raised a respectful girl!

Talking to a dead cold lifeless picture as if it is a living human being & going into panic attacks when she looses such pictures.

Suppressing all her true “ ugly, negative” emotions & only giving the fake smiles & positive attitude.

She fears that ppl will leave her if she isn’t “comforting, happy”, hence, the whole facade of “ i’m okay, I’m okay”.

Immersing her self in ppl’s issues so she won’t face her own feelings of utter loneliness, fear of the future, & being left behind when everybody moves on with their lives.

Thinking that having selfish desires contradicts the “ hopeful, kind” girl images, hence, the fear to actually wants sth for herself. Everything HAS TO BE for the sake of the others.

Tohru is deeply traumatized & her complex, unhealthy but extremely realistic attachment to her mom must be broken. Tohru must learn to LET GO.

-Kagura’s character’s assassination. aka (violence heals y’all!)

The show wanted to express the emotion that kagura is still in love with kyo, but is learning to let go & accepting kyo/tohru love. I love that. Her speech with kazuma abt not being able to face tohru cuz her face will show her emotions is so relatable & it hit ME personally. Loved that. Then, she learns that tohru truly loves kyo & should confess to him not talk to Isuzu & I get that, it make sense that she lashes on thru & teach her the value of being open abt your feelings & dont loose him. all cool & understandable. BUT:

How dare you slap tohru like that? you don’t know what she’s going through? tohru is wearing funeral clothes for God’s sake! she just visited her dead mom, you insensitive woman! How dare you assume that all tohru is struggling with is love love, romance romance yay~ confess, kiss, be happy?

Tohru & kyo’s issues are deeper than typical, normal, shallow shojo love. It is related to child trauma & abuse. To their own individual identity & self-image! Their romantic love is meant to guide them towards better choices for the future, not magically heal everything. Their mutual love is NOT the answer to their issues.

How dare you slap someone to make them go back to their senses? this is such an anime move! ugh!~ it cheapens the emotional weight of character’s emotions.

“ I’m not apologizing to tohru. We communicate thro fists” excuse me?  you arent even communicating with kyo thro fists! he sees you & run! the only time he thanked you for, was when you didn’t “ communicate thro fists” & played with him as a child! Not only make her hit tohru but not apologize??

No one told her off? are you foreal?? Isuzu pouting lips is no match for Isuzu powerful emotions when she’s embarrassed, & kazuma! where you at? Happy at the “ open confrontation”? Why do you kill kagura’s character like that?

Side Notes:

I hate how this went by in half an ep like they did with machi!! tohru is THE main character for God’s sake! But it looks like the show is not so fond of the true tohru who wants stuff & screams & talks to herself, alas she isn’t the angelic, innocent girl that is saturating the heck out of all shojo amines. Oh well~ perhaps tohru’s issues will be visited again in the finale?

Kyo gets PTSD reaction in front of tohru. great. Now what’s next? I won’t ever forgive the anime if next ep, kyo & tohru are all normal or worse the episodic theme prevents the continuation & jumps elsewhere. Nearly all the eps that didn’t end with a happy note, started the next ep somewhere & totally forgot the cliff hanger. such as, Isuzu’s ep in se02, it ended with tohru’s nightmare & next ep started yuki’s issues with tohru all smiley & bright. Another example, the Cinderella play ended with kyo/tohru torn symbolism where each is awkward with the other, next ep machi !!!!!! & kyo/ tohru all normal in kazuma’s house. But this time, it will be an epic mistake to do the same. Kyo going full traumatic in front of tohru to the point of her screaming is not sth you skip & start over erasing. Don’t disappoint me show! you can’t screw that, can you?

I love the symbolism of kyoko disappearing from the picture & the crack of her framed pic at the end with it still continued in he ED. Good job.

They are building for a hug clashing scene between kyo & tohtu. it must hurt. It is designed to hurt. I wanted it to hurt. It is not abt romance. It is abt mental & emotional trauma. I’m excited. But I’m scared. After today’s ep, I can confidently say I don’t trust the director. I’m an anime-only, but tohru’s part in the story is the least touched upon, the quickest to get over with & has the wackiest animation. They just don’t know how to depict an emotional tohru~ sigh~

Tohru is written to be a unique protagonist in the sea of innocent, selfless & always happy shojo heroine & opposed to the badass, physically strong female protag in shonen. She is the most realistic, but so much of her potential is wasted so far~~

“ saving the sohma’s. breaking the curse for others is a lie, in reality I wanted to do it for kyo” This line is supposed to be liberating for tohru cuz for once she is putting herself FIRST! It is not abt kyo. It is abt herself! it is cuz SHE wants him. See the difference? See how this line gives tohru the biggest character development!! but still sth is missing. I duno..

I have lots to say abt tohru, kyo, shigure, the grandpa, kyoko, Isuzu & even kazuma! I’ll do that in part 2.

I still liked the ep tho. It is solid. I”ll like it MORE if they continued from here & didn’t cut it cold.

[scartale-an-undertale-au]

With everything happening to Israel, I hope you’re ok

thank you :D i’m fortunately mostly safe from what’s happening. i only had a siren once and heard the booms only several times and i don’t live near the areas where the riots and lynches are happening.

here is my rant about the situation

sadly, though, i do have to read a lot of posts from ignorant people who clearly haven’t done any research into the situation (i.e. don’t live in it, didn’t watch the israeli news, or plain just believes whatever pallywood posts). i don’t have much influence sadly but i have to make things clear to people who might be confused - the situation began because of people unbelieving that they live in a society and do, in fact, have to act like it. it started in six houses where the residents were evicted because they weren’t paying rent for decades despite the agreements and somehow they turned it into a international thing. then rioters were throwing rocks from the mosque and running into it when the soldiers came and were like ‘how dare they go into a holy place’ while they cowardly threw rocks from a mosque* on ramadaan like, wow, talk about desecrating a holy place. 

and ofc the whole hamas shooting thousands of rockets into israel, with a third of its rockets landing in gaza killing many gazans. idf attacking high profile hamas operators and warning citizens of the buildings they were going to bomb because what a surprise, hamas hides behind its citizens and then blames it on israel. we literally have a history of giving medical treatment to gazans, i don’t know how else to tell people that we give a crap. because we could have literally erased gaza from the earth. also the reason they dont have electricity? one of the rockets hit the power line. karma is a bitch but sadly it harms the citizens more than the actual bastards in hamas. btw, those rockets? those tunnels that they built to get into israel? all those villas to the leaders? where do you think the money came from? they came from all the money that was given for the citizens. the citizens saw none of it.

also, anyone calling gaza an open air prison is an idiot who never opened an atlas because they think all gaza’s borders are in israel.

well, boo boo, wrong! its southern border is with *drums roll* egypt. which, btw, actually blocks the border from anything. so, like, once again, israel gets the heat for being pushovers, great.

we had sadly jews attacking and lynching on arabs and that something that should never have happened and i’ll never be happy that those things happened. but it didn’t happen in a bubble. it wasn’t also the only kind of attacks that happened. arabs attacking and lynching on cars, on people. they burned down synagogues! they burned down holy places with torah scrolls that were destroyed and the pictures literally look like the  Kristallnacht in 1938. one time, an arab saw it happening and managed to save the torah scrolls and omg, what an amazing guy. but still, so many holy scriptures were burnt and destroyed. the images are horrifying and i’m crying by just remembering. because israel is supposed to be the place jews would feel safe finally. we were supposed to be safe from progroms, from lynching, from our holy places being treated like firewood.

you have the right extremities attacking arabs, and you have jews unable to decide if they should stay at their homes during a siren and risk being hit by a rocket or brave the mamad (bunker) with their arab neighbors that are suddenly hostile to the point of attacking.

israel was never perfect. we have so much to improve and racism is still an issue. but also remember that we are less than 75 years old. it took the usa over 200 years to even begin to deal with its racism. we had to deal with so many wars just to exist and we don’t have the benefit of the sea as a barrier. you can literally drive down south and suddenly find yourself in jordan.

but the fact that the world immediately decided that we’re the bad guys no matter how much we strive to do good and for peace despite everyone wanting us gone (not in a different state, gone. dead. in the goddamn sea.).

the world is treating the palestinians like little babies who can do no harm. i hate to break it to them, but they can and did do a whole lot of harm. a lot of israeli arabs have helped israeli jews in so many cases in the past and present. a lot of medical professionals are arabs. they came to help after the tragedy in meron mountain. a lot of amazing stories of them being kind and true brethren. a lot of stories of co-existing. but they were literally crumbled down to nothing when suddenly the mixed cities began exploding with lynches and attacks and just pure terror. bedouins blocking one of the main roads to be’er sheba. electricity boxes being destroyed, leaving many people (mainly israeli jews) without it and no batteries or internet

i’m ranting now because if i have to read another post crying over palestinians children being harmed and then sneering at israeli people for existing and wishing for their deaths, i will literally go to them to shoot their legs myself (don’t know how, but i will) because children are already showing signs of extreme ptsd, of anxiety. the south (especially the area around the border with gaza) had been dealing with constant rockets for 20 years. children grow up so traumatized they can’t be soldiers because the sound of a gun going off sends them into a panic attack.

like, the usa is asking israel and hamas to have a cease fire, but it keeps basically looking at israel to back down and i’m so in the mood to say ‘no. i say, get the citizens out and just raze the place down’ even if it’s impossible to actively do. i’m done with sjw thinking they’re so woke and amazing for supporting the palestinians while they’re actually supporting the destruction of israel over all and the jews in particular.

because guess what? antisemitism have never been more in fashion.

(i’m sorry for going off on an adorable anon wanting to see me safe, but thank you for letting me go off like that. i needed to rant. also, anyone spreading hate should be ashamed)

p.s. anyone wanting to rant about apartheid or occupied territory, go open a dictionary or a history book on what actual apartheid is and then go check the archeological evidence of jews having occupied the land of israel before islam was a thing and even before christianity was a thing. especially how the dome of the rock was built on the temple mount. on top of what used to be the holy temples for the jews. you also always had jews living in israel in small numbers. we were never truly gone from the land of israel.

p.s.s. a good video i found that summarizes mostly well is ‘geography now-israel’. it’s not perfect but it gets the point across.

[plutoswrath]

i’m sorry to annoy you with this again. i just look up to your kpop mixed with astrology content. but lucas’s neptune contact with his mc is going to annoy the shit out of me until this is fixed. the cloudiness that neptune brings to his public image is something that i think possibly fuels these situations further. false accusations and mixed perceptions based off of them is exactly what makes these scandals to continue on and on. and i’m sick of it. both sides ignore what the other is saying and it gets nowhere. neptune, the malefic bastard.

Hello! I saw your recent asks and I appreciate your words regarding my content, thank you so much for the kind words! <3

I will touch on astrolgy under the cut, but before this happens, I want to leave a few words. There's a reason why I didn't answer the previous questions I received (not only yours op) regarding the Lucas situation so far. For several reasons I didn't want to feed into any sort of (perceived) sensationalism in regards to the Lucas situation, even though I'd really love to look at the situation from an astrological point of view. That people are divided on this topic is to be expected, but I think the way it has been handled by majority so far is very bad. I really want to elaborate on my reasoning why we should rethink the way we talk about/represent the Lucas situation right now, but as this topic is very kpop specific everything will be under the cut.

My reasoning for avoiding any questions about it until now:

1. People already don't take the situation seriously enough: Regardless of what your standpoint is, I'd like for people to consider looking at it from a more critical point of view for a second: The allegations are not about him being exposed as ‘just a f-boy’ as some people make it out to be, they are more serious than that. Lucas allegedly manipulated and used these women for his own emotional/sexual/financial needs and ego boost. The fact that he has money and allegedly still used other people to provide financially for him just demonstrates the power play underneath it all. He abused his position of power as an idol, the power dynamics between him and fans who idolize him are plain and simple just completely off. Please think about the fact, that he allegedly decided who to date on at fansigns. This alone gives no security to any fans that want to attend fansigns in the future. TW SV: he also talked one of these women into having sex with him + doing it unprotected, which is not only emotionally/sexually manipulative/coercive and can possibly be traumatic for them but also heightens the risk for transfering STD's as END TW he was supposedly seeing people at the same time/cheating. In general, the behavior he gets accused of leaves trauma and is abuse, to be more specific abuse of power on multiple levels and his social position makes it just easier to continue abusing that power. As you've mentioned yourself op, there is a huge back and forth about the allegations, and I know people like to take situations like the one of Taeyong as an example to justify that not every public apology is real and that allegations turn out to be false years later, but I believe it's different this time and that the allegations that came forward were real. Even his cbar closed, a fanbase that works closely with Label V (!), that alone shows that there is 'at least' some truth to the story, or else his hardcore fanbase wouldn't have decided to turn their back on him in matters of just days. Also, all the 'jokes' and the portrayal of 'juicy gossip' people make about the situation just downplays and ridicules the possible traumatic experiences of the people that were hurt by his actions. If anyone decides to not believe these allegations until SM gives a more specific statement, that's fine, but please do so without making fun of the people who were victims of his behavior, as there is already little to no sympathy for them online. It makes it just way harder for any survivors in the future to speak out on their experience. People say it's 'nothing illegal, just morally wrong' but given the fact that he is also a person in power, the line between 'just' morally wrong and illegal can be very thin in some cases. And please overthink arguments such as: 'this is typical boy behavior for someone in his 20's'/ 'he's just an f-boy' or 'boys will be boys' because they are deeply misogynistic and we shouldn't normalize behavior like that, thus making the root of the problem actually way deeper than most people think.

2. WayV's future: This mainly goes for people who are fans of WayV. I know not everyone probably likes to hear this, but another thing why wild speculations, sensationalism or even possible defence about this situation should be kept on the low is WayV's career. I want to be honest here, but I'm scared for their future, their comeback for october has been cancelled for now and they are put on a hiatus for several months as far as I know. They were on a good path of gaining more and more recognition and establishing themselves even better as a c-pop group, but now Luca's reputation in China (their target audience) is as good as gone and that pulls all of WayV down to rock bottom with him. People really need to try seeing the story out of the eyes of the korean and especially chinese fans as well, their perception of the allegations (especially after the Kris Wu situation!) are way different and more serious than the ones of i-fans and i-fans have to accept that. Also, we all know how companies (especially SM) handle these type of situations: keep the people on the low till the storm has calmed down. But will the storm ever calm down for Lucas when his public image is basically destroyed, and thus WayV as well? What I want people to understand is that this whole situation affects WayV and their career directly, actually on the biggest scale possible. All the work so far is at risk to be for good and I think a lot of fans tend to forget that, things look especially critical for HenXiaoYanKun if WayV would be to continue/redebute/fall apart. It doesn't matter if Lucas talking bad about the members/the companies/shows he works with/for was real or not in the end, because unfortunately damage is already done, WayV's image (WayV= family) is already tarnished and WayV as a group will suffer from this. You summed it up with malefic Neptune the best actually: We all don't know the full confirmed truth about the situation and will most likely never know it. (small astro insight here as well, but part of Neptune is to accept fantasy for what it is: fantasy, and thus turn to cold reality when you're in too deep)

3. What O'd advice the fandom to do right now: Regardless of your opinion on the situation, what we as a fandom can do best right now is staying on the low, wait things out, and stop adding more fire to the situation with our actions and wait how the situation actually developes, since a) we can not fasten the process and b) a lot of rumors, false information and unnecessary details get exposed to mudd the waters and to discredit the statement of the victims as well. I've seen some strong reactions from both sides, but as someone who's a big fan of nct in general I really just want to say that part of the fandom throwing a fit on the internet leads basically to nothing, it actually only reflects even worse on nctzens/weshennies and thus on WayV's (and also NCT as whole) image as well. Things right now are handled internal, not extern. Whatever gets through to the public will be half of the story anyway. A lot of people seem to forget, that we talk about SM and all they care for right now is saving themselves economically (think about the domino effect this situation has on the whole group/company), so we will have to see what their final decision is going to be, if anything will happen at all. For now, be patient, wait and see. Last words: It's okay to feel hurt/confused/angry/drained. Even though most of us are aware that we dont know any celebrity's character, it's still hard to swallow and to digest because you were a fan of that artist. Let it take time and vent. Take a break from it if it gets too much! Talking about it to process your emotions better is okay and very valid, but keep in mind that you should not worsen the situation by doing so - it's already absolute chaos.

Also: This statement is by no means a direct attack to anyone or me trying to push my opinion onto you, just my two cents in how to handle the situation best right now, because our hands are basically tied. Also: agree to disagree. If you don't like that I side with the victims (unless there is an official statement that Lucas is proven not guilty, which I doubt, unfortunately) then so be it, but don't start a war in my inbox for our opinions differing.

-------

Now, to astrology:

Disclaimer: This analysis will not be very light-hearted, but remember that it's just a theory and not me trying to confirm anything!

First of all op, sorry for just answering you know, but I neded some time to think through how to adress this without adding to the fire with my astrological analysis! Boy, does the birth time fit the shoe right now. To be fair as I did my short rising sign analysis about him recently, I cancelled out every other fire rising except for Leo, because I got stuck on the ego part a bit. Anything for me made sense, as long as it highlights his ego, which by itself doesn't have to be a bad thing automatically, but there's always two sides of the coin as we all know.

I looked into the transits the past week and added a few asteroids/mathematical points as well. An anon before pointed to the full moon happening in his tenth house, conjunct his sun, etc. (I deleted the ask because I didn't know what was going on at that time and thought it was just the 'usual' rumors that once in a while get spread around, but after looking more into it I decided this was not the right time to stirr the pot in any kind of way or treat it as funny, hot gos). But yeah a full Moon in Aquarius happening in his 10th house AND on top of that Saturn in Aquarius, conjuncting that Moon and his natal Uranus in the 10th! Talk about destrcution of any stable foundation and a change in a public image! Honestly, looking at astrologically the way his public image just got radically destroyed over night, with Saturn and the Moon having been in a conjunction (in his chart it was in the 10th house) is kinda eery even. Talk about collective consciousness - not only exposing quiet literally the feelings of the collective, but also doing so in the favor of others and gaining collective emotional consciousness. Take this with a grain of salt (!), because we're still in a tense situation, but I'm tapping into the darker, unfriendlier side of astrology now. Taking his confirmed birth time, he has Nessus in Sagittarius in his 8th house and as I saw that I could feel myself shifting into the surprised pikachu face. I am not saying that this prooves the allegations whatsoever, but as you seemed to be very interested in anaylzing the case in-depth as well, the allegations fit his Nessus - jumping from partner to partner, carelessness (regarding physical intimacy as well), making people share all their ressources with him/finacial gain, and basically the whole jist of gaining control/being in a power position in intimate connections. Keep in mind that this is only one interpretation of Nessus though, Nessus can also show the complete opposite to someone 'turning to their dark side'. On top of that, his Nessus was conjunct transit Phollus the past week, so if anything, we can see that a large event triggered him to 'open his eyes' and face anything of an 'obstacle' that hinders him from seeing the 'truth' to a larger picture and his own nature/destiny. Pholus can symbolize change that will alter your perception of the responsibility you have for yourself and others.

But my latest new interest with these two asteroids aside (asteroids just add a little more nuance to a situation after all), I want to touch on Lilith too, since you (op) have mentioned Lilith before in one of your asks!

He has his Lilith exactly conjunct his Descendant when we consider his confirmed birth time. What happened just now can be seen as 'backfiring' of his actions, either Lilith embodying the women who expose him now for his 'inappropriate' behavior, but also simply fans shaming him now for his alleged manipulative/imoral behavior, especially shaming him about who he chose to date and how. Next to that, you've mentioned Lilith opposite Moon and it just makes me think about him possibly feeling very indecisive and potentially in denial about what he actually needs to be fulfilled in order to be emotionally happy and thus leading to him appearing to have this 'second, dark side' to him now. BML is not necessarily opposite the Moon in my opinion, it's just the side of the subconscious we don't really like to deal with and all we're told not to express and desire because it can be conflicting in the eyes of others (thus BML also leading to a lot of recklessness on the negative side). I think if we take the allegations into consideration, regardless of how much of it is true of it, it can be a good example what happens, when an opposition gets out of balance, as it also manifests outwardly a lot! Lilith shows in his 'double life' aka what he allegedly did with fans. Lilith wanted an outlet and found one by working behind the scenes. If we take in his supposed Taurus rising, which his Lilith is in an exact opposition with, it's a good example of what can lurk underneath the surface.

And of course, last but not least, Neptune and Sun conjunct his MC. People are quiet literally blinded by him more than they would like to think. Also: Lucas was always known for his 'flirty & charismatic' nature, this is another reason why people think we shouldn't be surprised he 'turns out to be like that in real life'. I'm not analyzing this argument right now, but what I think is very interesting is how Sun conjunct MC literally ties a good amount of their personality to their career - they want to be accepted and shine for their personality/big part of their individuality. Idols play a role, no matter how transparent they appear to us, but it's really funny how this 'image' of him melts almost seemingly with parts of his personality (almost af if you were to quiet literally sell your self) and as you've mentioned: Neptune only adds to that, unfortunately.

[roughentumble]

i watched the poughkeepsie tapes and, ignoring everything else about it, i seriously legitimately at the end of the movie went "huh, thats a cool twist. the serial killer is the one making the documentary," but i cant.... find anyone else saying as such online

like!!!!! to me, it makes so much sense. the obsession with filming, the occasionally odd interview questions("do you [admire him]?", the entire interview with Cheryl), the fact that he's already proven to be someone who taunts the police and likes to insert himself/make his presence known somehow, it feeds into how "intelligent" and "good at hiding his tracks" they said he was, it adds a beautiful layer of irony at the end when the cop is like "man when yr documentary comes out we're gonna be watching the theaters, he'll come see it, mark my words," it explains why there was so much graphic footage that would NEVER be allowed in a documentary, and it could also explain the MISSING TAPES(he kept some of them in order to have footage for the documentary)

also i figured at the end, either cheryl's death was faked and then he went and picked her up(although that seems a bit elaborate), OR she did actually kill herself, because he left AGAIN and didnt take her AGAIN and she was too devastated to handle it.

plus, if he's that vain and intent on documenting his story and his crimes WITHOUT getting caught or revealing personal information, then surely a long movie where you hear about all his crimes, step-by-step, and also all the cops are admitting that he's a genius who gave them the run-around and saying they might never find him, where we learn nothing about who he is in the slightest except that he was so good at murder, would be pretty appealing to him.

so like you can imagine my surprise when i dont see ANYONE else mentioning it lmao. so after that i gave it another thought.

admittedly, it does raise a few issues.

1) the cheryl interview. the weirdness of some of the questions couldve just been awkwardness in the face of someone so clearly and extensively traumatized. she didn't fall over herself with joy about how "you came back for me!!!" but with how hardcore he trained her, i think he could easily get her to act like she doesnt know him. in general, her acting here works for being read as both "abuse victim and no other reason" and "youre pulling a con and im in on it but i dont know the plan and im Flighty and Nervous(and also an abuse victim)."

the "i dont know what you want me to say," is completely applicable whether he's the killer or not. she's either saying "i dont have an internal barometer yet for what answer you specifically are looking for from me, so i dont know what to say," or shes saying "im frightened that if i answer that im happy to be home youll be mad at me for saying i missed it, but if i say im not happy to be home itll make your documentary unconvincing, you didnt fill me in on what you wanted from me(possibly on purpose to distress me) and im scared of the repercussions of me making the wrong choice." the stuff at the end about how she loved him makes just as much sense if its not the killer, but when i saw it i read it as a semi-coded message. "i love him(you), and i know he(you) will sweep me away from here soon, *makes heavy eye contact with the camera man*"

2) the mother didnt recognise him, and no one recognised his voice from the tapes. this ones a big sticking point, but if hes so meticulous at preparing crime scenes and has such a wide array of tools and "toys", he must have a decent amount of time and money on his hands, so he couldve possibly hired a dude off, idk, craigslist to interview the mom. as for his voice, he was only ever shouting and growling in the tapes, but the interviewer was very quiet and softspoken whenever he did speak. possibly that was enough to make him sound different? he was shown using sign language at one point, so maybe he hired an interpreter and signed questions to obscure his voice, so the voice we hear when the interviewer speaks would actually be the interpreter's voice.

3) i guess, thinking about it, documentaries usually have a whole crew, not just the guy doing the interviews but a lighting guy and a sound guy and a camera guy and an editor... but again, he doesnt lack the resources to do time-consuming and expensive tasks, so i dont have a hard time believing he'd be able to cobble together a small crew, just bare-bones enough to technically function.

actually, if he had something to mount it on, he wouldnt need anyone to hold the camera, and he could set up the lights and sound himself before he starts each take. and i cant imagine he'd let anyone construct his magnum opus except himself, so he'd do the editing. itd be work, but he could probably pull off being a 2 man crew(him+either an interpreter, or a craigslist interviewer.)

4) if he did, indeed, take the missing tapes in order to use them in the documentary, then as soon as it was played somewhere, theyd find out this was previously unseen footage and theyd know he was the killer. BUT if he gave them fake info and didnt leave any dna, they might not be able to find him. BUT ALSO itd be nearly impossible for them to not get him on surveillance footage, so he'd have his image spread around like wildfire. but then again, this issue could be solved by just saying "ok he used footage from the tapes in police custody. the other ones were special, possibly mementos or future breadcrumbs to taunt the police with."

idk. idk!!!!! i think my theory holds up. i think it makes a lot of sense, and also its literally the only reason i can think of that such graphic scenes would EVER be allowed-- or put-- in a documentary... because he doesnt care about censors or ratings(like pg-13 sort of ratings) or legality. all he cares about is showing off and preserving his legacy. he led the cops to the house because he wanted them to see the tapes, yaknow?? he wanted someone to see them.

like!!! the interview segments, while not perfect, were good enough that i felt more than a little jarred when we just straight up saw mr. serial killer decapitate someone. and not, like, a good jarring, like how horror movies are supposed to be upsetting. it just brought me out of the experience and felt so fake it was almost goofy. it was preposterous. (and also the effects were a little cheesy/plasticy in that scene, so that didnt help.)

a regular editor, putting that clip in, unblurred? who. who on gods green earth would ever do their job that poorly

a vain serial killer who wants people to see his creepy snuff films putting in that unblurred clip? extremely logical. makes sense.

[tumblunni]

Random game idea that came to mind: clockwork man simulator

I dunno, i just got the general image in my head of a soft homey aesthetic equivelant of that terrible game about the androids. Itd be more like just a life-living game, like stuff like animal crossing or harvest moon. Just fully exploring the perspective of these creatures and the world that created them, rather than BOOM ACTION SETPIECES or whatever

I only have some scattered ideas for it tho, and not really any idea of a main plot or gameplay gimmick or 3 act structure or like.. Anything to take this from idea to game, lol.

SO ITS MISC IDEAS TIME

* more of an olden timey fantasy style instead of sci fi. Youre still an artificial person created to run errands for humans, but youre more of a combination of clockwork and magic. There's still an element of being made of inanimate object parts but there's also some glowy energy core or something. Possibly would be interesting if it was something unusual to use as a power source? Like i dunno, a bell or an acorn or a teacup or one of those rocks with the hole in it that sometimes wash up on beaches. Or just a glowy orb of Generically Defined Energy Substance, which flows through you like aesthetically pleasing glowy veins

* you're a service clockwork homunculus thingy, bought by a disabled person who needs help around the house. PERHAPS A SWEET OLD GRANDMA! Whatever i decide on (IT'LL PROBABLY BE THE GRANDMA), your owner is a kind person who sees you as part of the family and feels guilty using an android as they believe you are absolutely a real person and wish they could set you free. Unfortunately theyre kinda one of the people who needs androids the most, as they dont have any family who can help them. At the same time though, they are very old and quite resigned to nobody caring about them, plus theyre just a good person who'd put your life over their own. So i feel like the plot would literally start with this person trying to set you free and you are just like "i do npt understand the concept, that is not in my programming". Its become kind of a morning routine now to hear "youre free! Get out, dammit!" and have a brisk argument over breakfast that inevitably always ends with you refusing. Grandma's prpbably got so desperate they're resorting to tactics like trying to trick you into getting on the bus out of town or "if you dont leave im gonna hold my breath and i wont stop til i pass out". All inevitabley failing! So they just try and help you understand your sentience and become more independant, encouraging you to take free time every day and go around the town to enjoy yourself. Which is kinda a concept you dont understand yet, so its just like MISSION RECEIVED: WALK IN CIRCLE AROUND PERIMETER OF TOWN. And its kind of a hit and miss experience because the people in this town have never seen an android before- this magic is usually a thing for rich people and this proposed scheme of disability assistance androids is still in its test run. Some people are suspicious or hateful, but there are others who welcome you to the village and brighten up your day. Not just a world of 100% everyone assholes to make a melodramatic point delivered awfully through racist stereotypes.

* i think a good subplot with this disabled grandma would be to show her regaining her independance too. Like she starts off quite fatalistic and used to nobody caring about her, all this mobility aid stuff is new and she feels like its too complicated and she'll never get it, or its too expensive and she doesnt deserve it, or all the nonsense that ableist society drills into people. But with the support of her new friend and access to more tools to help take her life into her own hands, she starts regaining hope again! Like ironically she felt like her previous carers were all the kinds of awful things people expect these androids to be. Robotic, emotionless monsters who dont care about the person's feelings and comfort, and certainly not independance. She suffered from a lot of the same nightmares that androids do too: being forced into a rigid schedule, limited in her options, deprived of basic rights, being told how she's supposed to feel, etc. But to an android that all seems like an inefficient way to do things! My function is healing and human healing efficiency is decreased in this circumstance! I am incapable of ignoring data due to personal bias! Basically imagine MAGIC BAYMAX ok. Anyway this plot would progress with grandma regaining her smile and eventually itd be a super happy day when she's able to get her new wheelchair that she can wheel to the shops on her own without needing someone to push her. Itd be really sweet from the player's perspective to get used to saying goodbye to her every morning and then suddenly you see her wandering around the shops with everyone else and she can become a part of the vibrant town too. Im thinking give her more complex AI than all the other villagers even, like give her a more complicated set of actions and move routes and stuff like SHE IS EVERYWHERE and she is LOVING IT! Life is back where it belongs: in the hands of the person living it! And it also intensifies the message of android slavery not being necessary or moral or good. Like i mean here this lady benefitted from getting an android but literally all she needed was a friend, a healthcare professional who gave a shit, and affordable access to mobility aids. Humans could have done that if they werent lazy assholes! And this android deserves the right to the same uplifting independenceifying experience they helped this grandma have!!

* random idea: all the events you encounter on each daily walk are actually stored in your inventory as items. Memories of experiences, good or bad, become literally experience for you! They each affect stats in different ways because of what you learned from that moment. Maybe bad experiences give you combat abilities and good ones help with your daily life skills and development of personality? And its possible to crack or even shatter a memory, if new experiences end up clashing with it. Usually its just 'oh i learned the more advanced version of this skill through better understanding of why humans do it', but also traumatic memories damaging good ones, and good ones helping ease traumatic ones. And maybe you could solve puzzles and make friendships through using these memory items? Youre faced with a challenge and have to make the connections in your mind to figure out which past experience is relevant here. And becoming more talented at something would help narrow down the choices you get given? And being unskilled would do screwy stuff with the interface like putting the correct option far away near the bottom or mixing up the names and icons of each memory. (Dunno how i'd program that though!)

* Maybe character customization similar to Medabots? The games were so cool and ahead of their time, you get to collect hundreds of different robot base frames and then mix and match the parts to make your own cool aesthetic! Shame it was only used for fighting though, that could be cool in a more social game too! Like go out wearing different fashions to help befriend different people, but its more fun cos its ROBOT FASHIONS! 'hey grandma do u think fred will like this arm or this arm?' She fusses over you all excitedly cos you showing an interest in fashion is a good sign of developing free will! Though you still get stuck in logic loops of 'you should wear what you like best, honey' 'HUMAN OPINION IS OF HIGHER PRIORITY' ...god i think i just made this character so i can ramble Relateable Social Anxiety Moments BUT ROBOTS

* possible ideas for Memory Events you can find around town! Meeting a cute neighbour cat- a fascinating creature you were not programmed to deal with, as you're a hospital android who isnt even meant to leave one single room for your whole life. You get absolutely entranced by the confusing small carpet with legs, and spend all morning interrogating it on why it wishes to rub its face on you. Why is your motor overheating, tiny carpet? Human master, how do you troubleshoot this noise?

* Another idea! You get 'mission: count the steps on the stairs to town' popping out of nowhere, and at first you ignore it because this is an illogical directive that does not come from a human. But it keeps happening every time you go here!! You try finding new ways to get to town crossing through fields or forests or walking directly into the path of a horsedrawn carriage, but ALAS it seems the only efficient path is those curious curious steps! Only then do you finally realise the mystery command is coming from yourself! You're not used to this strange concept of just..wanting to do something, all by yourself. You talk to your human and she says that's 'natural curiosity', 'personality', 'free will'...things that seem impossible to understand. You ask her to take you back to the shop to get this fault fixed, but she says its good and you should try acting on it. But it'll serve no purpose!! BUT AAARGH I HAVE TO KEEP SEEING THOSE STEPS EVERYDAY!! Eventually you do count them and you find it makes you satisfied for no logical reason. And that was the end of that small crisis, but you'll forever be confused by the whole thing! The next week you're like "what if i organized all the blue things with the blue things" and youre intensely frustrated at yourself. Human grandma says this is a "taste for fashion" but you remind her that you do not have a tongue. (And then she gets you the robo parts catalog and you unlock customization. Yay!)

* Possible idea for a sad subplot! A new human visits the village and he seems very strange, sometimes seeming kind and other times being angry and standoffish. You think its a simple 'jerk with a heart of gold' story but the truth is a lot stranger! It turns out this stranger is actually an important bishop in disguise, and he has multiple androids acting as body doubles to protect him while he's on the road. Theyre supposed to just be empty husks who only know how to imitate, but they clearly have their own personalities! You're tasked with finding all these runaway androids and returning them to their master for a reward, leading to a goofy lil game of hide and seek with twelve of the same guy. But it starts to get a bit sad because they're all convinced theyre the real one, and whenever they stumble into holes in their memory they freak out. When they all see each other gathered together its an absolute despair explosion and theyre forced to face the truth. And you can help them bond together as brothers and develop their own individual identities, even helping them pick out their own new faces from your set of fashion roboparts. Sadly you cant keep them here for long because itd obviously be suspicious to have exactly twelve new people move into the town right when twelve bots went missing. So you get help from one of grandma's friends to send them off in a stagecoach to another town where they can find employment and start their own life disguised as humans. The asshole bishop obviously doesnt react well to his androids vanishing into the night, but he never thinks of blaming you because after all you're only an android and you could never choose to help others out of all that free will you dont have. He just berates you for being so incompetant as to fail his quest to find them, and you get your reward taken back. Oh no~ i am~ very ashamed~ i will go tell my human that my ocular circuits require recalibrating~ (internally: HAHA YEH FUCK U OLD MAN) Grandma is super proud of you!

And thats all i got so far

[quitetommy]

Two Worlds

okay,, this is going to be a series and its gonna be hella cute bc dad!tom ??? um hello!! but this is also for @upsidedownparker's writing challenge so i hope everyone likes!!! And dont forget this WILL have multiple parts!!

And there are a few warnings in this; blood, death, drugs and mentions of drinking, curse words, and lowkey panic attacks

Two worlds 2

Tom hadn’t thought he was ever going to fall in love again, not after his wife and the mother of his baby girl passed. Love wasn’t something he had thought about, not when his princess was his first priority. He hadn’t even looked at a woman, like really looked, before his beautiful Milly. 

It was three years ago since he last saw her. It’s a tragic story, really; a freak accident. She was so young, too. The deceased mother only lived to be the ripe age of twenty-nine. Tom and Millicent had their beautiful baby young, they did everything young, apparently.

The day of her death wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but rather one of complete familiarity. The sad day started out like every other; wake up Fiona and get her breakfast, get dressed and ready for work, eat, say the goodbyes, and then off to work until later when the beautiful family is together again. 

The only difference with this specific day was the accident. It hadn’t even been more than an hour. Tom and Fiona had barely gotten off the highway, laughs escaping both brunettes. The only thing that could break their little moment was happened next. The phone had rang Milly’s special ringtone, causing Tom to answer with out any hesitation whatsoever. Tom had expected his beautiful wife’s voice to rip through the speakers and hit his ears but that’s not what he was met with. Instead, he got the voice of a very sad sounding man, he had asked if it was Tom and then he asked what he was doing. Tom had told him that he was driving, and the young man on the phone had asked him to pull over. 

Scared, Tom complied. And that’s when he was delivered the heartbreaking news of his wife’s death. The misfortune had sent the widower into a panic. His breath had left his body, his blood ran cold. He couldn’t understand how this happened, the only thing he could comprehend was the man on the phone telling him to get to the scene, after telling him he was sorry. 

Upon reaching the scene, Tom had thrown himself from the car. It was so overwhelming. It was straight out of a movie. The lights that were flashing white and red and blue were too bright and was starting to give the twenty-eight year old a migraine. As was the noise, God, it was so loud. Tom could barely hear himself think, let alone process what was happening. The young man had felt his whole world shift, stop. Everything was rushing around him, and he just needed a goddamned minute. That’s all he wanted; a single second to let it sink in.

It wasn’t until he saw his dead wife that he really felt it. Sure, it had felt like the whole entire world had just decided to continue on with out him, but now, he was feeling it; the loss, the pain. He had felt his feet shuffle lazily forward, his hands going to the curls that he shared with little Fiona. The car that Tom and Milly had picked out years prior was crushed, totaled. And there was so much blood, it was ridiculous. He hadn’t expected there to be so much blood. It was everywhere. His breath had hitched and he was having trouble regaining it back into his lungs. He had felt like he was underwater, breathless, muffled. Once he really got a look at her dead body, he felt nauseous. She was pretty banged up. It was hard to even tell that it was her. But he knew, he’d know those eyes anywhere. The image of her cold, lifeless eyes staring at him would be burned into his mind forever. The way she was staring at him was almost like she was blaming him, why’d you let this happen, Tom? This is all your fault, sweetheart.

Her skull was open and Tom could see directly into her head. He saw the brain matter,  it was turning a gross color Tom knew it shouldn’t be. He felt his breakfast leave his stomach and climb up into his throat, causing a lump to form. The broken boy gagged. Once, twice, three times, before it all came rushing out. The newly single father buckled over doing his best to rid the fowl contents from his body, keeping his eyes locked on the once lively girl. The sight would haunt his dreams until the end of time, he knew it.

How was he supposed to continue on without his beautiful Milly. She was his rock, she was the one that was able to pull him back to earth but keep him soaring in the stars. She was the one for him. She was what kept him alive, sane.

And then all of a sudden, it all clicked. The world shifted under his feet, once again. Tom stood up, wiping the vomit from his chin and lips. He turned on his heal, he had heard her. His little Fiona, the only thing that mattered now. She was his anchor now. He would be her everything now; her father, her mother, her friend. Everything she would ever need, he’d be it for her. His feet quickly carried him to the abandoned car. He let his body do all the work, his mind so tired. Flinging open the back door and removing the little girl from her strapped position, he held her to his chest. 

Tom shushed the screaming girl; it was like she knew what was going on around her. The baby girl was the spitting image of her father. She had it all, the curls, the big brown eyes, the beautiful smile. She was so smart, so aware. Tom was confident that she knew, and as he held her he promised to both her and to himself that he would protect her with his life for the rest of his days.

Now, Y/N’s story isn’t anywhere near traumatic. While her story still shaped her life into a single parent, no one died. Nobody was lost. Her story while one of tears and betrayal there was nothing of death. Rather a horrible ex-husband who once nice turned to drinking and drugs. Y/N, being the good mother she is, knew that she didn’t want her little boy to have to deal with such a thing. 

Y/N was willing to try. She wanted her husband, Dylan, to get help. She wanted him to go to rehab, and at first he refused. He had said, “If you want to be with me, you won’t try and change me.” He was a manipulative bitch, but Y/N stayed with him. He was the father of her son, Levi. She should at least try, right? Eventually Y/N told her bitch of a husband that if he didn’t get help that she was going to leave and that he’d never see her or Levi again. Ever. So he went and got help, and it worked. . . until it didn’t and he relapsed. 

Y/N didn’t say anything for the first few months. She just went about her life, making all the money, paying all the bills, doing everything to give little Levi a good life. It went on for months, Y/N doing everything she could to keep her son away from the bastard living with them and keeping the screwed family afloat. And it was going fine until one day. 

On this day, Y/N had been called into work, seeing as how she was a doctor, and had no choice other than to leave her son with the drunk druggie in their home. The whole way to the hospital, her time there, and the drive back, Y/N was doing nothing but praying Levi would be alright. She could feel it in her bones, something was wrong. 

Nothing could’ve prepared her for the horrid scene she walked into. Upon opening the door, she expected Levi to be in bed, sleeping the night away and for her piece of shit husband to be in front of the television or something. 

What she didn’t expect was for her entire world to shift. When she walked in, she wasn’t met with a quiet home, but rather her baby boy screaming his head off and her husband on the floor, a needle sticking out of his arm. Y/N had felt her heart stop, her adrenaline pumping. She didn’t even close the door as she ran to where her crying baby was, disregarding Dylan. He was in his room, laying on the floor, only in his diaper. When Y/N picked up her baby boy, he immediately calmed down. Holding him, the mother noticed how cold he felt and how disgusting he smelled. Y/N felt her anger boil up, filling up all her veins. She had never felt this type of anger before. The young mother quickly grabbed some baby clothes and a new diaper and changed him as fast as humanly possible. Once the little guy was satisfied, she put him in his carrier, wanting a fast escape. She knew exactly what she had to do. 

First, she needed to check if the bastard was still breathing. He was. Y/N didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad one. Once that was covered, she packed everything of her’s and Levi’s that she could think of. Clothes, toiletries, bottles, diapers, toys. Everything was cleared out in a matter of minutes. The young girl was able to get it all into her car and then she ran back in the house, grabbing her son, leaving with him. Once they both were safely in the car, she called an ambulance, telling what happened. Then, they left. 

Y/N drove them through three different towns before she stopped. The only reason she stopped was because she could barely keep her eyes open, so she pulled into a park. The young mother had watched her son sleep that night, just watching his chest rise and fall. Each little movement was like a miracle. She just felt so lucky to have such a blessing. And it was then, when she promised him that she’d do anything for him.

Flash forward two years and both Y/N and Tom were beyond in love. They both thought it could never happen, both thought that their kid was their only love. Fiona was now able to do all the things a normal human could. She could walk, she could talk (at the level of a three year old), she was even on the road to being potty trained. Levi was the same, only Y/N was having a bit of trouble getting him to pee in the potty. 

Y/N and Tom had been together now for over a year. Both feeling like they had won the lottery. They still didn’t live together, but Y/N and Levi stayed over practically every night. So much so, that little Levi even had his own bed. Granted the kids shared a room but it still was his own bed, something he hadn’t had since they moved two years ago. It wasn’t that Y/N didn’t have enough money to buy him a bed, because she did. She just felt safer having him in the room with her. Ever since that night, Y/N hadn’t stopped blaming herself. She often expressed these concerns to Tom. It was always the same, she was just so afraid that she screwed him up, or that she will down the line. And Tom being the amazing guy he is, just always held her and contradicted her greatest fears. He battled them, always winning, even though it was like bringing a knife to a gun fight. He was always there for her, no matter what. And she was there for him, always. It was there thing.

And that’s what brought the question on. Both Levi and Fiona were fast asleep in their beds across the hall and Y/N and Tom were cuddled up in his room. It was extremely hot in the room, so sticky. The fans in the room were turned up to high, providing little to no comfort from the heat. Tom was on his back and had his left arm wrapped around his girl. Y/N was on her side, her head on his chest listening to his heart. It was soothing to her, it often calmed her down. Her arm was thrown over his chest and Tom had placed his hand on her arm, fingers rubbing subconsciously. Their legs were tangled together, bare and sweaty as they stayed that way, no sign of moving any time soon. 

Tom had cleared his throat, causing Y/N to jerk awake, as she was falling asleep, “Y/N/N? Can I ask you somethin’?” His voice was serious but also it was late so his voice was low, and tired and his accent was growing thick as it did every night. She lifted her head, placing her chin on his chest, smiling the smile he would never get tired of seeing. It was her tired smile. Her lips just barely would form the smile and her eyes would be closed slightly. It was Tom’s favorite thing she did. “Mmm. . . Of course, baby.”

Tom smiled at her, eyes crinkling. God, he loved her. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah, but if that was the question, you could’ve saved your breath, because I already knew,” she chuckled, Tom joining, pink dusting across his cheeks and nose. “But I love you, too, Tom.”

“That wasn’t the question.” He sucked in a gulp of air, he knew her answer and he knew this was a stupid question. She had put her head back on his chest, her eyes slipping closed. She was awake and listening, “So, then ask me, silly.”

“Will you and Levi move in with Fiona and I.” Tom felt her breath skip, she sat up. She was wide awake now, confused. She didn’t understand where this came from. Things were going fine. She couldn’t, she wouldn’t do that to Levi again. He was all she had, she had to put him first. 

The scared girl brought her shaking hands close to her body. One went to her neck, clawing at it, like it was restricting her breathing. For all she knew, it was. Her other one went to her stomach, laying there. 

Her breath was gone and she struggled to get the question out, “W-What are you talking about?” Tom leaned up, his forearms holding his body weight. He could tell she was freaking out, so he said, “Hey. Hey, take it easy, yeah? Just take a breathe.”

She did, visibly calming down. “Okay, now, I want you to consider it okay? And it’s not like anything would change, you guys are here all the time. This way we won’t be paying two of everything.”

She nodded, slowly, thinking it over, “Tommy. . . I can’t put Levi through something like that again.” The curly haired boy frowned, sadly. “I’m not Dylan, okay? And you aren’t Milly. We are Y/N and Tom. This is new and we both know to put out kids first,” he paused, putting a hand on her knee, “And that’s why this will work. You’ve just gotta trust me, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay. I trust you.” The once scared girl nodded, smiling a little. Tom cheered, letting a huge smile fall on his lips, Y/N did the same, laughing loudly when Tom wrapped her in his arms, kissing all over her face. 

“How soon can you move in?” 

taglist; @darlintom @rainbow-marvel @yoinksholland @spider-bitten @spideres

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[luxexhomines]

S

Ahhh, thank you guys so much for asking!! I just compiled them all into one post so I don’t clog up your dash with several posts. Here we go! I’m going to tag this as discourse and put a cut because my answers to the letters might not please everyone, aha. It’s long, too. Major spoilers for NDRV3.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Honestly, I’m not super sure at this point. Surprise, surprise, I only just recently finished watching the rest of NDRV3 and started writing for it. And I haven’t thought about tropes that much, though I’m sure I’ve written plenty of them into my writing at some point, even if not posted on here. 

If we’re going to go Danganronpa-centric, as this is my side blog for Danganronpa writing, I’d say that I fall in love with characters that are contradictory and with seemingly bipolar or gray morals despite probably having morals as straight as an arrow myself, i.e. Nagito or Kokichi. The characters playing “straight man” and relating to the reader’s perspective are also my favorite; in a wacky situation, they offer reason and normal reactions, which I would peg Hajime as (maybe Kazuichi, too, although he’s more of a crybaby). In fanfiction, I just love hurt & comfort fics, especially involving–you guessed it–Kokichi. I am particularly partial to the Oumota chapter 5 and chapter 5 trial rewrites, which, lucky for me, both of which are quite often rewritten by spectacular writers.

If we’re going in general, I always end up reading manga with an independent, strong and decisive character that crosses worlds and/or bodies by accident or death and becomes incredibly powerful/influential in the world and dominates over other characters with skills ranging from cooking to fighting. I guess I read a lot of manhua with martial arts or other manga with game aspects to it.Writing-wise, I love reading slow burn fics, even if I haven’t read one in quite some time. 

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I have a feeling this is going to go into highly controversial areas, so if you ultra ship Kaito x Maki, please turn away now...

I just hate that “man saves woman” from herself or traumatic past trope. Don’t get me wrong, I love hurt/comfort like I mentioned, but to specify, what I mean is when a strong and independent woman needs saving by a man. I realize Maki has a lot of issues from her past as an assassin and that Kaito is a viable, good option for helping her out and facing those issues, but the fact of him being a man and the way he just swoops in and fixes things forcefully by pulling her along for training just irks me. And before you ask, yes, if Kaede did it instead as a woman I would have less of a problem with it, even if I don’t like that somehow after a couple days of training together Maki somehow is better able to get along with others and most notably Shuichi despite having spent the previous entire time cooped up in her Ultimate room alone, is willing to use her experience as an assassin to help out with the investigation when she just walked out in the past, etc. Problems from a past like that would never be so easily faced in reality; people and their minds are much more stubborn than we’d like to think, too. 

In general, I am also highly averse to the Women in Refrigerators trope. To some extent, I feel that Kaede fits this trope, as a.) she is an important, pivotal, incredibly fleshed out female character and even the initial protagonist of ndrv3, b.) she dies arbitrarily for a murder she did not commit, c.) a big part of her death is written into Shuichi’s character development for making him grow as the protagonist (he sheds the cap, faces the truth, and the memory of Kaede’s last wishes serves as his support to reveal the truth several times in trial), and of course, d.) her death in the execution is grotesque as befitting of a Danganronpa execution. Kaede deserved so. much. more.

There are probably more out there, but I won’t mention them for the sake of length & time. 

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

Okay! So don’t hate me for this, but I haven’t been really keeping up a bunch with fanfiction writers or specific ones that much. It just hasn’t ever been a habit of mine in the past to follow one writer–ironic, I know. There’s one that immediately comes to mind, but she’s not part of the Danganronpa fandom, so unless someone asks, I’ll leave her out of it. However, there are a couple of writers that I recently discovered through the Oumota weekend event and which I follow on my main blog, and I thoroughly enjoy reading their work. Their work also contains mentions of NDRV3 spoilers!

1. @kirastrations

I recently reblogged her work on this blog because I have so much love for the Oumota fic she wrote (which deserves more love!). It’s called One by One, One After Another, and I simply adore the way she writes Kaito’s character and experiences with the other characters throughout the game and the overarching feeling that comes across as a result of the situation and what ensues. The diction choices she makes is absolute art; I see the imagery so clearly in my head, and not a single word of hers is wasted. It’s concise while being aptly and most beautifully descriptive. Even though I’m not a huge fan of Kaito, the way she writes him and his actions make me love him. I would describe the work as a futile yet desperate and exquisite struggling, an embodiment of angst that is so beautifully painful that it appears to be an illusion. I haven’t had a chance to check out other works from her just yet, but that’s on my to-do list!

2. @golden-redhead

I love, love, love their work too. They recently posted Lavender, a Kirumi x Kaede (Tojomatsu? Kaerumi? Kirumatsu?) work for femslash Feb, and it is a post-reality Virtual AU short fic. The way they write the interaction between Kirumi and Kaede offers such a delicate, carefully constructed image and story while creating some tension between the two. They also format the story with Kirumi’s thoughts in a simple and straightforward way that is just so delicious to read. Aspects of Kirumi explored are small things that unravel into a bigger statement about her character and the nature of the killing game and the impact it has left on her. It reminds me of the way a player might gently stack up a house of cards–attentively, with a sharp eye and feel. 

3. @starlightwritesalie

They wrote these two Oumota fics for the weekend that I fell in love with, especially the one for Day 1: Heroes/Villains. Sometimes when living in the world of Danganronpa, you forget that these tragic situations and the killing game are experienced, in essence, by children. You can argue that they’re older than high schoolers for the first two games, but mentally they are still high schoolers, and let’s face it–a couple years above the legal age of being an adult in America, 18, can hardly be counted as an adult, either. They reminded me of that sickening fact so poetically yet bluntly, and the story they write only serves as a further reminder of that fact. They write statements about the situation and how the pair act in the situation that are so agonizing yet irrefutable–as is the situation that they’re both trapped in. The ending is so unbearably cruel, packed with pain, but the way they create it is so decisively soft and snatches away my breath with the truth at the heart of the game, the situation. 

So there you have it! Sorry that my answers are so long... I have too much to say, and especially about the people whom I adore. Since it said to pick 3, I didn’t get to include these two, but I also love aroseandapen and mystic-mints dearly. If you ask, I’ll write a whole paragraph on why I love them, too, although I suspect by this time you all are getting rather tired of all my talking, haha. I also didn’t include imagines blogs, but if you’re curious, feel free to ask about that since I am still kind of a imagines blog! I guess at this point I’m kind of a fusion of an imagines blog and normal fanfiction writing blog.

Thanks for asking, and if you have any more questions, feel free to shoot an ask!

[aaronmascoll]

Chapter 33 - Leila

Arguing and yelling, that's all the teachers have been doing for the past two hours. After Leila let everyone into her pocket dimension, she opened another portal to demonstration room. She only let the teachers out so they could talk about where they were going to put all the male students. When the rest of the female staff came, she made it abundantly clear that there was no way any of them were staying in her pocket dimension. Even now, after she restricted all the boys from going within a hundred yards of Spencer's house, Spencer was still curled up in the corner of her room crying. Suddenly having nearly three thousand boys on her front porch was a little traumatizing. They made it worse when they started banging on the walls and windows yelling for her to come outside.

As Leila stood on a podium at the front of the room, a portion of the female teachers argued that they absolutely did not want the male students, or teachers, anywhere near the school. So, when Leila told them that Morgan herself had invited them to join the school, they all quite. "Well, what do we now?" A female teacher sitting in the front said. "We need to replace all those that left."

"We would be happy to take over some of their classes," Mr. Slum said. "I myself teach, I'm sorry, taught a course in healing magic."

"I can vouche for him," Leila interjected. "He's the one that healed Morgan."

"And where is headmistress," the same female teacher said.

"She's in my pocket dimension," Leila stated. "I'm currently feeding her body as much anomali energy as I can provide it. Mr. Slum healed her head injuries, but he wasn't able to do anything about the coma she's in. We're hoping the extra energy will speed up the healing process."

"That's very convenient for you," and elderly teacher said.

"Excuse me?" Leila said with a hint anger.

"You show up and our headmistress miraculously falls into a coma. Then you say she wanted to bring all these men here. And to top it all off, here you are trying to take her place."

Leila didn't have to be told what was happening, she could see that a lot of the female teachers were believing what the elderly woman was saying.

"If you dont believe me, you can go and see for for yourselves. I can open a portal to Wolfenstein's school big enough for all of you, right now."

The elderly woman laughed. "As if I would trust your magic. That's probably what caused our headmistress coma."

"Then perhaps, one of you can use clairvoyance magic," Mr. Slum said. "Maybe someone you do trust, so that the results are to your liking."

"I'll do it myself. It is my specialty after all."

The elderly woman stood up. She said a few words in the language of Merlin and moved her hands in a elegant manner. Leila could see the experience in the way she moved her fingers. Though she didn't like her, Leila hoped that she could learn from the elderly woman.

When she was done, a window of energy opened, and an image came into to view. Rubble and black fire, covered every inch of the once prominent magic school for boys. Not a single building was left standing, and if it hadn't been for the broken fountain, Leila wouldn't even been sure they were looking at the right place. In the middle of the rubble, the tall black creature stood over Mr. Apex's broken and bloodied body. Huge lacerations cover every inch of him, and the blood red flames that had once surrounded him almost protectively, were now dying. A single red spark on his chest seemed to wane as his life force fled from his body. The black creature stomped on his chest, snuffing out the spark, and roared. Leila felt her head begin to throb even though no sound came from the window.

The elderly closed the window and sat back down. "Does anyone else still not believe me." When nobody said anything, she continued. "So where are we gonna put the boys, I need ideas."

A young woman in the back stood up. "Hi, im Mrs. Fume, I teach courses on reading and writing to grades first, and second. Since the dimensions teacher was one of those that left, we can't increase the size of the female dorms. So, we could use bunk beds and put four girls to a room. We do it with the first years so they get used to living without their parents. It helps them know they aren't alone. "

"That's a great idea," Leila said. She was glad they weren't arguing any more and finally moving on. "Mr. Slum, what were the boy's dormitories like at Wolfenstein's school?"

"They were the same as Mrs. Fume described," he said. "Though we did make sure that all four boys were all from different years. It gave the younger boys a chance to bond with kids older than themselves. A third of our students were orphaned when they started showing signs that they could use magic, because as some may know, those born with the ability to use magic are stronger for it."

"What about the non-magic students?" A teacher in the back said.

Leila had forgotten that the school taught both magic and non-magic students. "We'll give them a choice," Leila said. "We could use non harmful spells to activate their anomali energy. We could make a ceremony out of it. Like a coming of age thing."

All the male and female teachers were nodding in agreement, but one still seemed keen on taking them two steps back whenever they took one forward. "Next you'll be telling us we actually to have to teach these boys," the elderly woman from before said.

"Actually, that is what I was going to say next. The male and female students will be divided evenly among the male and female teachers. Any extra course taught at Wolfenstein's magic school will be added to the curriculum as an elective."

"What about necromancy?" A male teacher in the far back said.

The necromancy teacher wore leather robes and a leather mask around his face. The only peice of his body that wasn't concealed by leather was a finger that had no flesh or muscle tissue on it. It just a plain-white bone. "Seniors only," Leila said. "Let's go over it again. The girls will be put four to a room, each from a different year, and it will be the same for the boys. The students are to be divided among the male and female teachers, so until class rosters have been drawn up, classes are suspended. Any new courses being added, that could potentially harm the students, are for seniors only. Is there anything else? Does anyone have any ideas or opinions they want to voice?"

No one said anything, so Leila decided to say one more thing before the meeting was over. "Ok, besides the boys, there is one more student I'd like to enroll in some of yours classes. But, do to special circumstances stances, she wont be able to physically attend. She'll require special, one on one, lessons through a communication device. I know this might hinder some of your personal time, but I'm only asking this as a favor. So, if any of you can spare the time, please come and see me after we're done. Meeting adjourned."

After everyone had left, only one person remained. "Why can't she attend?" The elderly woman said.

"She's bound to my pocket dimension. I tried releasing her, but the guy who made the binding is, levels, smarter than me."

"I can teach her astral projection. It's a more advanced version of clairvoyance magic, so she'll need read the books on clairvoyance, one an two, not three, and if she can master that, she can attend classes without actually needing to be here."

"Thank you, thank you very much. You have know idea how much this means me."

"Its no problem at all. I know you mean well, but just know, if you try to do anything that goes against this school's moral code, my ancestors will hear about. I look forward to seeing how you'll run our school."

"What?"

"You didn't really think after you lead a meeting like that we wouldn't you in charge. Have a nice day Headmistress Leila."

[uberoll-oystercrackers]

assortment of thoughts i guess?

i fixate pretty heavily on the neuroses present(ly hinted at...) in the characters Lars and Sadie. their anxieties and insecurities are very interesting to me (mooostly bc they are very Relatable). i spend a fair amount of time considering where these social inhibitors started w/ them. of course ppl dont have to survive trauma to be mentally ill, or to have low self esteem... but on the other hand, isn’t surviving low self esteem and poor self image after years and years sort of an elongated microtrauma in itself..? hm idk, should educate myself on that. but we can at least confidently deduce that both charas have been dealing with it since they were quite young (Lars fighting with Ronaldo over how he would be presented in the flashback of Horror Club, Sadie explaining that every new thing she’s been interested in became a chore of a bad memory from her mother’s [well intentioned, but ultimately harmful] over enthusiasm. i at least can imagine that starting and stopping so many interests would leave her with some modicum of guilt, a sense of leaving things unfinished or letting ppl down by not living up to the potential being projected on her) in Sadie’s Song.

personally, my anxiety, depression, and all the other fun flavors i’ve got, were undoubtedly caused by trauma. at bare minimum, the bulk of my disorders were anyway. so while, as i’ve mentioned, perhaps nothing especially traumatic happened to these charas................... some bad shit still def could’ve went down. and uh i cant help but consider those avenues so.

as a fat person who was always a fat kid, when season 1 of SU was airing originally, i always shared a lot of the rejection feelings Sadie would have. if this happened to her on screen, i could reeeeally feel it. i was always worried that it was her size and shape that othered her amongst her peers in Beach City, as she’s polite and helpful enough to get along with most of the town otherwise. when she mentioned to Lars that she knows he doesn’t want to be seen in public with her, i read that as her internalizing not only her “uncool”ness but also her low position within social capital as a young fat woman. her intentional focus on Lars spending time with Jenny, when Lars was hanging out with the Cool Kids as a whole (”After all I do for you, you LIE to me? So you can sneak off with some other girl?!”) was particularly telling. Jenny is taller, thinner, and arguably “curvier” (altho admittedly it feels gross to talk about her like this???)... she’s also undeniably better at a particular way of socializing. The intersections of fatphobia and misogyny seem to be some of the biggest drivers for Sadie’s anxieties/insecurities wrt Lars. This also makes sense bc... remember how Lars talks about women and girls in season one? He was a little spicy, a little raunchy, a little grody about it. Def not a scumfuck or anything but, ya kno, dumb dude shit. Any pre-existing insecurities would def multiply or at least complicate when hearing that from the person who is arguably ur best friend and ur not-so-secret crush.

as an aside here whewwwwww im so glad Sadie and Jenny are becoming friends in current canon it melts my heart <3

so with Sadie at least i s’pose my inferences are relatively safe and simple. Lars is a lot harder to pin down.

im not gonna go too much into this at all bc i am le tired but trans Lars (whether Lars would ID as a woman, a man, or non-binary [they’re all great imo]) headcanons deeeefinitely strike a chord (im an nb person myself so lol).

but also like... did Lars always live in Beach City? His parents don’t have accents like the elders (Kofi and Nanefua) of the Pizza family (who Crewniverse have confirmed the Pizzas are a Ghanaian family), so is there an amount of trauma from moving as a very young kid (let’s say 5-ish)? His parents seem to have a great relationship, their house is warm and decorative, and from what we’ve seen of them they love their son immensely. I can’t particularly see his parents fighting with each other, and the way they approached him (when it was actually Steven...) over his poor grades was very patient and kind... it doesn’t seem like they’re abusing him to any extent.

Back on track here... Is there trauma surrounding his ethnicity living in Beach City, which we can argue is still the U.S.? He referred to the ube roll he made as a “weird purple cake”... but he grew up eating it. His ube roll wasn’t weird to him, but he was very worried about it being weird to a bunch of non-Filipino kids he wanted to impress. Where did this anxiety come from? Who ‘taught’ him his culture was weird? Whose racist ass do I need to beat is what I’m getting at.

edit: didnt mean to b so damn obtuse here, of course his parents dont have to have any type of linguistic/verbal indicators. i was trying to get at the fact that one less indicator is one less piece of evidence (usually), so i dont seem like im taking myself too srsly here lol.

i am sure i have more elaborate thoughts on these issues but my brain is flickering out on me so im just gonna let this be a post i guess!

[crystalitar]

All of the OC asks!! >:3c

a la GASP!

1. What was the first Oc you ever created?

That would be Zipp! This is a recent drawing of him! He’s a small dragon the size of a cat! He was originally gonna be a pet of the chars of my friends. Talking comic relief.

2.What was the latest Oc (newest one created)

One i’m still working on and created less then 12 hours ago! I’m not satisfied with the chest and cape design.She is a vigilante assasin.  Tough her motives and actions can sometimes contrast this.. But can’t find that out bc she doesn’t talk. Her main suit and head is pitch black, as such she mainly operates during the night.

3. Which oc is ur fav out of all?

Crystalitar! Well she is kinda my pokesona, but she has her own story! Set in the PMD universe, she ended up as a pokemon due to an incident by her brother. Her most used design is a spin-off Chibi appearance

4. How many Ocs do you have in total?? (including any made up species)

Pffffftttttttttt, you ask of me to count them? INCLUDING MY OWN SPECIES? that would also include fakemons i created and, that’s.. a lot.. uhm… i once counted fakemons that could count towards my own fakedex and those were already 100 ones. And those are only the ones i deemed good enough.If i count chars that have no fandom origin (but do fakemon bc they can be used as other species as well) i think i could maybe have near.. 300? If including Oc’s of shows etc maybe 400? Probably more. I’m might maybe once ever try to actually count the 1k papers i have here :v

5. Which Oc has the most intresting backstory?

Hmmm, most would be summarized by basic “experiment/just a kid/result of a death/ghost issue”, but most interesting imo is Shandyr.

Buckle up for a Copy-paste:

Shandyr is the child of a Painted alligator (PA for short) male, named Kryndor, and a PA Imp “female”. Therefore Shandyr still looks mostly like all other Painted Alligators, altough his paintings are simplier then the other children.Because one of his parents was not a PA he doesn’t have a specific affinity yet. His “mother” had an affinity with PSI and could manipulate males with her charm and cunning. She also was able to change color and this has been inherited by Shandyr. Because Kryndor was tricked into believing that the Imp was a real PA, he feels heavily ashamed and looks to his son with regret. He does care for his son but in another way. Kryndor is part of a high looked upon religious part of PA tribe, so he has a pride to keep, and a son wich scarred the sacred religion is not good. Kryndor’s brother Hiniko, wich is a priest, helps cover up that Shandyr is an Imp child.But because Shandyr is partially an Imp, he loves to prank, and step around the rules. He doesn’t mean harm, he still is a PA, but he got the tendency to abuse the reputation of kind hearted Painted Alligator, to prank and trick others. Because his father looks down upon this and can’t see a future for him without it the incident coming to light, Kryndor decides to send Shandyr away. Shandyr overheard the discussion and furious at the tought that his dad does not love him, he packs his stuff and leaves before he can be send away.His mother is still a mystery. The Imp dissappeared after the birth of Shandyr and has not been seen since by the PA clan.Shandyr hides his true feelings for family, and instead keeps the false image of gentle alligator, tough that image is always quickly ruined by his pranks. Because he doesn’t want to admit he is an imp, he becoms angry easily at anyone who doubts that he is a PA. In dare circumstances he can show the family charm, wich he found in his bag after leaving his clan. Shandyr’s emotions also influence his ability to become invisible or change colors. He trains alot, but he is only able to go stealthy if he is focused on a certain task. Any anger or sadness will reveal his stripes and dots.He can sharpen and harden his spikes at will.

6. what is the most random oc you own?

Random? As in weird origin or personality? Hmmmmm. That would actually be Scrack. He’s an unique monster in his universe, some think he’s a mutation. He barely blinks and most of the time acts as an unruly big dog that can just accidentaly bite your arm off. Without counting his fins, he’s as tall as a grown-up man. He doesn’t act angry, just reckless and playfull in a very dangerous way. He can sometimes be caught just staring at something or someone, and perform actions that are very clever, so people are confused about it’s actual intelligence.

His fins on his back make it so he hears way better as well. He is an agile climber as well as a good marathon runner. Hi’s eyes on his arms are unnerving. He uses them to peek around corners or places where he climbs.

(I also got Stiffet who is a shared OC with 2 other people. Created by blindly each drawing a part of her body)

7. Did you ever create your own animal species?

Pretty obvious so far that you know i do! But as far as species i went into detail, would be my Demon Oxen. Created originally as an Open Species for Undertale, i’m still capable to make them work in other universes if i want.

Copy Pasted Description:

Species : Demox Ox- Physical magic users. They don’t have projectiles normally, but a magical “punch” can be created that flies a short distance, tough this is an advanged spell.Normally they add extra magic to their horns when headbutting, or make a bigger horn aura around it for more surface coverage. Transfering magic to their claws and hoofs they can stomp and punch with extra power.- The thick fur protects them against cold climates, and therefor also dont prefer to be in the heath for too long. (They can manage if there is water where they can swim).- They walk mostly on two legs, but if they need to pull something or intimidate opponents and get ready to charge , they will stand on all 4 paws.- Can look pretty good in the dark, tough there must always be a source of light, like the moon or stars.- For females it’s tradition to wear black metal “chains” on their front paws.- Males have mostly 4 horns pointing downwards ( rare if more), and the females have 2 horns that point upwards.- Species mostly live between the snowy area and waterfall. (Bit more to the south i imagined)

8. do you ever hurt your Ocs?

cough I don’t chain them up or make them results of painfull experiments, what are you talking about? some certainly didn’t die in a fire or drowned or fell on sharp stones. Some certainly did not lose half their face and an arm in an explosions or get emotionally traumatized because their parents got murdered Cough

What?

9. what ocs fear is the most interesting to you???

That would be NPC. He’s a digital creature that lives in a certain artificially created house. They can’t escape the “house” but have acces to the whole internet and such. Sometimes even being able to interact with the “humans”. His fear is the thought that he might not be real, just created as a means to be entertainment and he might not have a free will, even though he performs acts and more from a selfish mindset and other things. Who knows, maybe he was pre-programmed and it just the result of artificial freedom and a puppet of an unknown higher being that is just toying around with their imagenation. Fabricating world rules and “personality” upon him.

Meta™

10. Are there any ocs that you never introduced yet? And who are those ocs???

Many, and mainly because i want to keep some projects and ideas as a safe fallback to use in future projects. Ranging from Horror games characters to plushie designs. Some are cartoon serie idea’s i’ve made for application for schools and others are specific original game characters.

One i will show (because already uploaded it to deviantart and here before) is the Gravekeeper. He’s the main character of a world im developing for a cartoon idea. :3

———–

Thanks for asking about my OC’s!

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—��i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

[permetscore]

sasuke & c-ptsd: a meta

okay so i talk a lot about this headcanon and i decided to finally do a detailed meta about it.

first and foremost, let’s talk about what c-ptsd is. c-ptsd stands for complex post traumatic stress disorder, a differing disorder from the more common ptsd. it’s worth noting that c-ptsd isn’t an officially recognized disorder in the DSM - it’s been deemed too similar to ptsd and bpd for its own diagnosis, but it’s still used informally and i believe has its merit. i have ptsd, and would describe it more specifically as c-ptsd.

anyway, onto the specifics, and what this means for sasuke himself:

1. the trauma

putting under a cut because this baby is looong and image-heavy. sorry if you're mobile and it shows the whole thing.

when talking about sasuke, i don’t think i have to delve too deep into what and why it is that traumatized him. the core of his entire character is based around the night his brother slaughtered his family, changing his life forever.

now, one of the determining factors of c-ptsd vs ptsd, is that the trauma is:

extended/over a long period of time (as opposed to singular brief event)

repeated, multiple traumas

and/or the sort of trauma from which one feels like they can’t escape.

it could be argued that the uchiha massacre is a single event and therefore doesnt qualify. however, i would argue that this isn’t enough to cancel it out. for one:

the massacre lasted three days for sasuke. it wasn’t just seeing the massacre itself - it was watching it on loop, over and over in itachi’s tsukuyomi. time works... weird in the tsukuyomi. it's said to last 72 hours, but when kakashi was in the tsukuyomi, one stabbing took one second of this supposed timeline. so, assuming we can put the same logic of one massacre loop taking one second, sasuke saw this over 500,000 times.

furthermore, i dont think the massacre was the end of trauma for sasuke:

to recover from post-traumatic stress and not develop the disorder, one needs distance from the trauma. this is not something sasuke is given or allows himself to have. he lives in the same house as where the trauma occurred for roughly five years, and by the looks of his other symptoms/goals, is not benefiting him through exposure/de-sensitization. i would argue this is consistently re-traumatizing.

without proper care and development of healthy bonds, sasuke remains completely alone - and a child without any care or support can be just as traumatized from that alone.

this isn’t even going into the potential implications of re-traumatization through his victimization at the hands of orochimaru, and later on obito, which would only compound his issues.

2. affect regulation

one of the parts of sasuke’s character that gets completely mischaracterized one way or the other is how emotional he is. he tends to either be depicted as entirely explosive with anger or nearly void of it at all. this doesn’t come from nowhere - sasuke displays these extremes consistently throughout the manga.

this panel and the one i posted above are literally two pages apart - rapidly cycling between completely inhibited or explosive expressions of anger. this is shown most clearly in scenes like this, post-itachi’s death, when he’s arguably at his most fragile, but other examples would be the way he seems completely detached from his emotions for the majority of the first half of shippuden:

whereas he seems almost completely consumed by anger  throughout part 1:

these emotional extremes are a key part of c-ptsd, and tend to be far more recognized in it than ptsd.

next, under affect regulation falls self-harm, suicidal ideation, and self-destructive behaviors:

one thing i can say for sasuke is he’s not prone to as overt of self-harming gestures. this scene where he slams his fist into a wall over and over again is the only one i could think of of that sort of obvious behavior. but that doesn’t mean it’s the only kind of self harm.

he has little regard for his well-being over his goals. strength and testing himself are higher in his priorities than safety, and i wouldn’t be surprised if he considers pain as deserved punishment for his weakness.

when it comes to suicidal tendencies, this is honestly a central part of sasuke and his story. he’s willing to sacrifice literally anything for his goals - even his own life.

for a time it seemed evident he was putting things above his goals - the lives of his comrades. but this was still always put before his own life.

orochimaru commented bonds were making him weak and willing to throw his life away for others, whereas a true ‘avenger’ should focus on his goal above all else. neither behavior is healthy, and both show a tendency towards reckless suicidal behavior. yet one was perhaps a stepping stone towards recovery, which orochimaru sought to eliminate.

bizarrely, in a way, it is his goal that keeps him alive for as long as he has been. 'living only to kill you' implies a lack of will to live outside of it to me.

after itachi’s death, sasuke is then left without a proper goal. he quickly clings to the one presented to him by obito during a time of great vulnerability - sticking to revenge as is his comfort zone, and in fact one of even greater self-destructive implications. sasuke spent the better part of a decade training tirelessly to kill one man. he can’t possibly believe he can so easily destroy an entire ninja village near singlehandedly, much less by starting with attacking the acting hokage in a highly secure international political summit. these actions are reckless at best, genuinely suicidal at worst. and therefore fits with that part of this.

let’s move on now though since this is getting long.

3. consciousness

one of the common/important symptoms of c-ptsd is dissociation, which can be used fairly broadly, but at its basis is a disconnection from one’s self/present/physical reality/etc. this is incredibly common in coping during trauma, to disconnect from the horror of reality as it happens, but absolutely in the aftermath in order to cope then as well. we see this greatly here in the scene directly after sasuke wakes up from his coma after fighting itachi. i don’t think it needs to be said why this would put him in such a fragile state.

sometimes it’s more obvious than others, but also he kind of does this. a lot

like.

a lot.

further as part of consciousness, is reliving experiences, both through literal flashbacks and obsessively ruminating on the trauma.

after first receiving his curse mark, we see sasuke thrown directly into visual/all-encompassing flashbacks of his trauma. and this isn’t the last time we see him have this reaction either. during his reunion with itachi, its pretty clear that the encounter brings back some horrible memories for him.

another example being during his breakdown brought on by obito’s reveal of the truth of the uchiha massacre. through his flashbacks, he has a severe panic attack, to the point that he passes out and obito restrains him.

on a broader scale, i would say that sasuke literally never lets himself stop thinking about his trauma. it’s in everything he does, every choice he makes. so even without direct showcases, it can be assumed he has ruminating thoughts of it near constantly. making the obsessive reliving of trauma a part of one’s personality is especially common in c-ptsd.

one last thing under this section that i think is relevant is sasuke’s intense fear in early missions.

he gets overwhelmed by his fear and freezes - jumping to suicidal ideation just to escape the fear.

4. self-perception

at his core, sasuke is deeply insecure and plagued by feelings of guilt and shame. he sees himself as being to blame for the massacre, for not being able to protect his family. then, as he gets older, he feels shame for not being able to be strong enough even to avenge them. his desperation for power and to achieve his goal as fast as he can rests in this shame, always feeling like he should be better and that he never is quite good enough.

constructed both by the system in which he lives, and the identity that itachi built for him as an avenger, he places his sense of self in being strong and capable. and when this is displaced, he crumbles back into this shame of being inferior and not enough.

i know i’ve talked a lot about this hospital scene a lot already, but - here sasuke is dealing with jealousy of naruto, but more notably, inferiority and uselessness. he was unable to protect naruto from itachi, or stand at all against him. no wonder this sends him spiraling for some sense of control.

after finding out the truth of the massacre, this shame shifts in sasuke and takes new form. he already dealt with survivor's guilt, but this multiplies with the discovery itachi's choice being one of love, not selfish, malicious gain. he likely perceived his survival before as punishment, as a way for itachi to make him suffer worse than death, but with the new-found insight it only leaves him heavier with guilt.

additionally under self-perception is a sense of specialness or difference from others. which uh. i dont feel like i have to explain this much. sasuke feels as if no one understands him, and this his experience is entirely unique. this is both entirely terrifying to him, as well as being where he draws much of his identity, for better or worse. and so when this is challenged, he responds as if he’s being threatened.

5. perception of perpetrator

in c-ptsd, we see a preoccupation with the perpetrator of the trauma, most specifically with revenge against said perpetrator. especially in older children and adolescents, this is often the best way one can see to cope, and this certainly applies to sasuke.

additionally under this, we can see the victim tending to accept the perpetrator’s rationalizations and belief systems. sasuke doesn’t do this so directly, but he certainly does to an extent.

itachi tells him to become strong, to become an avenger and kill him. and so he does, accepting this guidance readily in the face of horrible trauma. after all, even if itachi is the source of his pain, he was his most loved and trusted family member. he can’t throw this out so easily. itachi paints himself as evil, and sasuke accepts this performance readily. 

i could go on here but frankly... it makes me sad and involves a great deal of speculation. so im moving on.

6. relations with others

here’s the fun part. (it’s not fun).

so a huge part of c-ptsd is isolation and withdrawal from interpersonal relationships, often self-induced. there's a lot of fear of emotional attachment, for fear that one will get hurt like they were before, either from abuse or loss.

we see sasuke first start to really, truly pull back from his relationships after the encounter with itachi. sure, he was a little distant before, but nothing like this.

sasuke is terrified here, and he's pulling out all the stops to return to isolation without bonds. it's easier not to care about something because then you don't have to be scared of losing it - and this personal self-destruction of relationships is unfortunately common for those with c-ptsd.

he’s slow to trust, if he ever does, on anything resembling a genuine fundamental level. despite taka's importance to him, he never manages to truly emotionally open up to them. i don't doubt for a minute that if he'd been concerned with that happening he would've ditched em immediately. 

solitude is safe for sasuke, but it's also why we never truly see him start his road to recovery until the very end of the manga. he can't heal alone.

i... was going to add one more section, delving into his systems of meaning / faith, but i think i would largely be repeating myself. his sense of purpose and identity are entirely based in revenge, and shatter without that as an anchor.

so, in conclusion:

the boy's traumatized, and specifically in ways that make him prone to struggling with morality, meaning, and emotional connection.

his trauma greatly impacted his development and ability to emotionall attach or detach. so. i think he's got C-PTSD. honestly, writing much of this meta felt... obvious, or redundant. but also i probably skipped things because it felt simple to me. feel free to talk to me about it! also, i'm by no means a diagnostic professional lol. i'm just a traumatized naruto blogger that sees a lot of myself in sasuke. so. there it is. i’m tired please take this 2k meta from me

[televenus]

im sad so naturally i started thinking about jake dillinger angst and i ended up writing more than i expected so im putting this under a cut lmao

 ive seen a few fanfics where rich avoids jake after the fire because of the whole guilt for burning down his house, showing a fake personality all of their friendship, being not good enough anymore etc. etc. and most of them tend to be rich-centric but i want more from jake’s side. i mean, this kids been living on his own for who knows how long after his parents ran away, and it must be pretty traumatizing being alone and having to support yourself in what we came assume is a pretty big house. and being High School Awesomeness Personified and having an image to upkeep we can assume that with no one to talk to these feelings are getting bottled up. and then his house gets burned down. by his best friend. and he broke both of his legs. now tracz did say it was probably somewhat cathartic for him but that doesnt change the fact that i doubt an insurance company is going to give money to a seventeen year old without their parents. jake probably wont be staying with chloe directly following the events of the party (and i doubt he’d admit hes homeless anyways) so jake is probably stuck living in hotels (or worse). he manages to get to the night of the play, balancing finding somewhere to stay, hospital bills, and all of those extra curriculars when all of the squip stuff happens. and now he’s in the hospital, likely permanently disabled from the squip making him walk on broken legs. fast forward to when theyre all out and rich is avoiding him. once again, jake is abandoned by someone important to him and now he REALLY doesnt have anyone to talk to (maybe jeremy or someone but i dont think theyre close enough for THAT yet). now jake would really have almost nothing. its still a little too soon to talk to any of the other main kids about it, he cant do his sports or many of his other extracurriculars now that hes stuck in either a wheelchair/leg braces/crutches/etc. and his best friend is almost like a stranger. i dont even feel like writing about an eventual happy ending. jake just. needs someone to talk to.

[katekvne-blog]

Nightingale

Clay is haunted by the bloodied sight of Jeff. (HE WHO LIVES) His worried mother brought back his medication just in case he needed it. Clay was adamant about taking it again and he went off to blow some steam to his childhood friend, reader’s and his safe haven. Angst and Fluff ensues. Watch me add Jeff in everything jk

Everyday, I think about how traumatizing and devastating it is for Clay for being the one to find one of his close friends dead and then barely a month after the girl he loves is well you know. But enough with that! In this fic no one is dead. 

Warnings: mention of the accident 

A/N: This fic is based on Demi Lovato’s Nightingale, hence, the title. I hope you guys like it. Excuse my terrible attempt at writing a kissing scene.

“Clay, honey, dinner is ready!” Hearing his name being called, he grudgingly sat up knowing that if he don’t move he won’t hear the end of it from his mom. He stood in front of a full length mirror checking if something was amiss before running down the stairs when he heard his name being called the second time.He sat in front of his mom while his dad sat beside him. Both of them looking at each other then to Clay who sent them both a questioning look. His mother placed an orange cylindrical bottle in front of him, looking him dead in the eye.

“I don’t need it anymore! I’m fine!” Clay exclaimed. Shifting his gaze disbelievingly from his mom and dad.

“We know but just in case. What you went through…..I..I can’t even imagine how traumatizing that is.” His mom softly said.

“Of course, you can’t!” Clay snapped, leaning back, wide eyed at his own explosion. He stood up muttering that he’s heading out for some air. His parents called out him but their voices  fell on deaf ears. Clay took his bike with him dead set on one destination, a safe haven he shared with his childhood friend, y/n.

You sat in front of your desk constantly refreshing your twitter for some update. Last night, Jessica hosted a party at her home which did not end badly as Jeff Atkins got into an accident. This shook up the students at liberty high considering he’s one of the most popular and well liked jock. Everyone in the facebook group was relieved when some of his friends announced that he is stable, he’s not yet awoken but it’s better than him being dead. However, what concerns you currently the most is your childhood friend, Clay who apparently was the first person at the site of accident. Aside from that, he had not been responding to any of your calls. You dropped by earlier his house but no one seems to be present so you just left. While you continue to stalk on twitter for updates, the sound of screeching sound followed by smashing into something caught your attention. When you looked out the window you saw Clay put on the hood of his hoodie and rode away again not even bothering to pick up the garbage can he smashed into.

“Mom, I’ll just go out for a bit.” You yelled already halfway out of the door, not even waiting for a response. You ran towards a nearby playground where you found him sitting on the swing, his face illuminated only by the moonlight. Still, you caught each other’s eyes and determined, you walked towards the other swing beside him.

“How’d you know I’ll be here?”

“I grew up with you….and I just saw you smacked down that garbage can.I figured you’d go here.” you mumbled looking down the dirt as you lightly push yourself back. “You don’t have to talk if you’re not ready just don’t push me away.” Moments engulfed in comfortable silence passed with only the creaking of the swing making a sound. Slowly, he turned towards you and you grazed the ground with your feet to stop the swing from moving.

“I’m losing my shit…..” He trailed off, a pained expression graced his face. You held his hand gently stroking his shaking fingers with your thumb. “Is that ok?”

“Yes. It’s very human.” You assured him. He retrieved his hand and covered his face as he broke down crying. You quickly stood up and held him as he sobbed against your stomach. “You don’t have to be alone, Clay. I’m here.” you assured as you stroked his back.

“It’s just really stupid of him to do that.” he growled angrily. “I can’t sleep. I can’t get the image out of my mind.” he followed much more softly this time.

“……Come over just like old times! We could watch a movie, eat food or just stargaze? I dont know..” You leaned down so you were face to face. You shrugged and he looked at you incredulously for the inappropriate suggestion considering the topic at hand.

“Wha-”

“I mean while we wait for tomorrow….i could go with you to tell him that in his face since I heard he’s stable and in fact he woke up earlier.” In your attempt to avoid misunderstandings, you explained to him hastily your suggestion, an awkward smile still plastered on your face. Clay just stared at you some more and you just nodded in understanding his unsaid question. His mouth hung open and without another word, he engulfed you in an embrace.

“C’mon dork! Hopefully, food and movie will help you sleep tonight.” You sighed pulling him by the hand. He stopped momentarily and  pulling you back into his arms again.

“Thank you, y/n….for being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He said his hands slowly trailing upward your arms till they reached your cheeks. He closed his eyes and you followed his lead, he leaned in and you waited in anticipation. Fluttering your eyes open, you see him staring at you unsurely and asked….”Is…is it ok?”

“Good lord, Clay! You gotta know which cues to take.” You rolled your eyes. Stifling your laughter, you placed your arms around his neck and slowly pulled him in a chaste kiss under the pale moonlight.

“Ok…well, I’m taking that as my cue.” He said smiling awkwardly as he kissed you again. This time he entrapped your lower lip in his, slow and careful, almost as if he is scared he’ll break you. This time it lingered a little longer and for the first time in your life you could finally say that something felt perfectly  and completely right.

“Make sure you let your mom know you’re here. I don’t want her to worry.” you said over your shoulder as you looked through the stacks of CDs you have. Suddenly, you felt arms around your waist, his chest slumped on your shoulder while his chin rested on your shoulder.

“Done. Let’s just watch this movie.” He said randomly picking up a CD. You pulled away from him to place the CD to the player.

Smiling, you turned to face him.”Even randomly, you were able to pick a sci-fi show. That’s a good one though.” You placed your arms on his neck and smiled pushing him backwards to lead him towards the bed carefully avoiding the bowl of popcorn.

“C’mon, scoot over nerd!” you said pushing him, the said bowl of popcorn now in his hand. You sat beside him, leaning your head on his shoulder. Silence befell you two as you continue to watch the film but, after awhile you felt him tensed up against you.

“He’ll be okay, Clay.” you mumbled as if a reminder for the two of you. Your eyes still glued to the screen when you felt him nod and you take his hand in yours intertwining your fingers. Snuggling up to each other’s arms throughout the night.

The next day you went to the hospital Jeff was confined in. Fortunately, he was awake when you arrived and was surrounded by his parents. He caught sight of the two of you and ushered you to come forward. He lifted his closed hand to brofist Clay but the action wasn’t reciprocated.

“I heard you were the one who found me?” he weakly asked. Clay nodded silently. “You saved my life, Jensen. Thank you and I see you made a lot of progress.” He weakly joked, his eyes nodding off to your and Clay’s hands.

“Why did you drive while you were drunk?” Simple and direct, Clay pressed.

“I wasn’t drunk. It was night and I didn’t really see any signs I forgot there was an intersection I didn’t get to slow down.” He explained. Clay looked at him silently for what felt like hours before lifting his closed hand and holding it out to the evidently tired boy. Jeff struggled to laugh, he bump his knuckles with Clay’s while the other held his side.

“We should probably go and let you rest now, Jeff.” You interjected nodding at him then at his parents before you and Clay left.

“You went and really did it. Couldn’t wait till he’s perfectly healthy?” You asked raising an eyebrow.

“He’ll live.” He said finally smiling. “And you and I.” He turned to you holding both your hands as he leaned in to give you a quick peck on the forehead. “We have a lot of things to talk about so, how about we meet up at Rosie’s later? I’ll just go home to take a quick bath.”

“I would love that. See you later, nerd.” You said kissing him on cheek before walking your own path. Needless to say, this is the start of something so beautiful and frankly, you couldn’t wait.