#i dont know why i allow myself to let you do it every single time

[tgcg]

bad mouther, hole master

TG: kissing with tongue is gross as hell

CG: COME THE FUCK OFF IT.

TG: what

CG: I'M SAYING SHUT UP.

TG: oh

CG: IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD. IT'S LIKE THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF REGULAR KISSING TO EVENTUALLY INCLUDE THAT. IF YOU HAD ANY SEMBLANCE OF ROMANCE GHOSTING THROUGH THE DEVOLVING REMNANTS OF YOUR THINKPAN YOU'D APPRECIATE WHAT IT BRINGS TO THE NUTRITION PLATFORM OF ANY CONSENTING CONCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIP!

TG: youre talking about it like its a goddamn military weapon or some shit

TG: some kinda scientific fuckin method to fondle a dudes mouth with your own mouth thats

TG: thats gross

TG: this isnt supposed to be a debate before fuckin congress on the pros and cons of getting your mack on

TG: its i would say a reasonably personal thing to react about and thats just my reaction man you dont gotta arbitrate it

TG: and like why the hell do they have to linger on it so long in these movies do they really want me to immerse myself in people necking each other that much

TG: roll the sounds around in my earholes like im swilling a fine fuckin wine

TG: well my professional opinion is that shit tastes and sounds mad gross and tbh i havent seen a single movie where it was close to being any kind of necessary

TG: its just a cringy waste of everyones time

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND I DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE GASH, YOU LUMP OF TIGHT-LIPPED CLUELESSNESS.

TG: did you just homestar me

CG: FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, SINCE YOU'RE APPARENTLY DESPERATE TO START SHIT WITH ME RIGHT NOW: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN DONE IT?

TG: hell no

CG: THANK YOU FOR PROVING MY POINT.

TG: proving your point--

TG: bro have uh

TG: have YOU???

CG: EXCUSE ME? HAVE I WHAT?

TG: come on

TG: i walked into this stupid conversation with a fucking shovel and by god am i digging myself a damn hole big and wide enough for every dave across time to squeeze in so i might as well get cosy in this shit before we all start collectively shoving dirt in our mouths

TG: bet your ass im taking you down with me though

TG: grab your spade and get digging man

CG: GRAB MY WHAT????????

TG: just tell me

CG: ???????!!!!!!!!

TG: karkat

CG: NO!

TG: f-

CG: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!! WHAT PART OF "SHUT UP" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND????

TG: wait no

TG: oh my god dude

TG: you can spin that shit all you want but you can do it the hell away from me

TG: i do not need to be hip to your weirdo foursquare fantasies

TG: patently not my business

CG: STOP RIGHT THERE. JUST SHUT IT. I AM PUTTING US OUT OF OUR MISERY RIGHT NOW. I AM CONDUCTING AN ACT OF MERCY ON THIS INSANE FUCKING CONVERSATION AND YOU ARE GOING TO ZIP YOUR LIPS AND TAKE IT.

CG: HERE IT IS: YOUR SINGLE OPPORTUNITY TO PRETEND YOU NEVER SAID THAT TO ME. I AM GOING TO FORGET YOU MADE A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF ME AND MY CULTURE THIS ONE TIME. AND LET YOU CONTINUE TO DIG YOUR STUPID, SHITTY HOLE.

CG: AND DAVE, I AM BEGGING YOU NOT TO WASTE IT.

CG: TO ANSWER YOUR SHOCKINGLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION, NO I HAVE NOT DONE IT.

CG: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK.

CG: HAPPY?

TG: ……..

TG: way to defuse the situation solid work

TG: real gold star effort grabbin that lit wick and blowing on it

TG: ok first of all you asked me first so dont act like im the one being a weirdo about this

TG: second of all i didnt mean it like that and you know it

TG: THIRD of all what the hell was the point of engaging the knightly theatrics then if you cant even verify that shit

CG: WELL FUCK, SORRY DAVE! I GUESS I'M JUST A FUCKING ROMANCE ENTHUSIAST! I GUESS I GIVE A MAJOR SHIT ABOUT THE THING YOU'RE OPENLY MOCKING TO MY FACE! IS THAT SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR THOUGHT SPONGE AROUND?

CG: AND IT WAS COMPLETELY REASONABLE FOR ME TO ASK YOU THAT, YOU CONGEALED FETID NOOKSTAIN! MY STATUS ON THE MATTER HAS LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE POINT EITHER OF US IS TRYING TO MAKE.

CG: TRY TO KEEP YOUR NUGBONE FROM CAVING IN ON ITSELF WHEN I DROP THIS BOMBSHELL: I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS ON THINGS I ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT, EVEN IF I HAVEN'T DONE THEM! I DON'T JUST GO TROUNCING THE FUCK ABOUT LOBBING MY UNFOUNDED OPINIONS AT PEOPLE LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. UNLIKE SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE INVOLVED IN THIS CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING RIGHT NOW!

TG: youre

CG: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU BY THE WAY. THE SOMEONE IS YOU.

TG: oh gimme a break

TG: bro youre going apeshit over something you havent even done

TG: you know what that sounds like to me it sounds like an overcompensating fake fan who doesnt get any

TG: you heard of troll napoleon complex

CG: AT LEAST I ACTUALLY FORMED MY OPINION BASED ON CAREFUL CONSIDERATION --

TG: -- oh yeah i bet huh

CG: -- INSTEAD OF JUST BANKING ON NUBJERK --

TG: -- not a real thing you just said

CG: -- REACTIONS AND WRINKLING MY SNIFF NUB AT ANY SIGNS OF GENUINE PHYSICAL INTIMACY!

TG: stop saying nub

CG: YOU EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BULGEWAD

TG: not too much worse than being a perpetual fountain of emotional diarrhea

CG: DON'T YOU DARE.

CG: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO USE THAT AS A "GOTCHA", YOU--… YOU! FUCK!

TG: dude did you actually run out of insults

TG: okay this is getting concerning

TG: youre the international dude of verbal dunks

TG: that can not be happening

CG: AAGHRJRGHJRGRHJAGHRJGRHJAGRHJRGRHJRGRHRJR

TG: you cant run out of em youre like the ultimate peddler of hate

CG: YOU DON'T THINK I'M CRITICALLY AWARE OF THE HOOFBEASTSHIT I'M SPEWING NIGH FUCKING CONSTANTLY?! I AM PAINFULLY COGNIZANT OF HOW MORONIC EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS!!!!

TG: feel like ive done some damage here

CG: ESPECIALLY MYSELF!

TG: alright bud time to calm down

CG: YOU CALM DOWN!!!!

TG: okay whatever!

CG: WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

TG: jeez

…

TG: here

…

CG: UGH.

TG: yeah

TG: really glad stuff like this happens in private

CG: YEAH. SAME HERE.

CG: JEGUS, CAN WE GO BACK TO BEFORE WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION? I DON'T ASK YOU MANY FAVORS, SO SURELY YOUR SLURRY OF ILL-DEFINED TIME POWERS CAN ALLOW YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

CG: JUST LIKE, WIPE THAT WHOLE THING OFF THE SLATE.

CG: LET'S START OVER. SAY, FIVE MINUTES AGO. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

TG: what conversation?

CG: OKAY, GOTCHA.

[idkfitememate]

Ooo!!! what if a Melusine!creator?? (are they consider animals? I dont think so) I think that would be cute!! I mean look at their tiny face!! their button nose??? and and their cutie horns/antlers!!! AND AND THEIR TAIL???( and wings that sometimes flatters!!(I research some melusines on google, and I saw a melusine with wings! is that canon?))

A Melusine!creator with a cottage vibe or or baker that stays in fotaine!! now thats cute!!

wonder how will the fotaine characters react to them🤔🤔

Fontaine Encounter

૮꒰˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶꒱ა Pairings : GN! Melusine Reader x Fontaine

૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ `∩꒱ྀིა W.K. : 595

໒꒰ྀིᵔ ᵕ ᵔ ꒱ྀི১ Tags/CW&TW : Fluff, Reader is anxious (anxiety? Never heard of her)

Seeing a Melusine attached to the hip with Neuvillette wasn’t the most uncommon sight. What was uncommon was just HOW attached to the hip this particular Melusine was.

They clearly weren’t employed anywhere, a probably lived in Mersusea or around that area, but there were around Neuvillette every single day.

The other thing about them that was so odd, was generally how they looked.

Melusine were usually short with their little antlers, tiny tails and sometimes little wings. The only know outlier was, of course, Sigewinne.

At least, that’s what was assumed. Then you showed up.

You were on the taller side, coming up to the Sovereign’s chest, with longer horns and a larger tail. Your wings were also larger… they even looked functional. And you honestly looked like a mix between a Melusine, a leaf sheep and a Blue Dragon sea slug. The most different trait being that you looked perfectly androgynous.

You constantly spent your time holding onto Neuvillette and he let you. Your hands were always either around him, gripping his clothes or holding his hands.

The man was perfectly reciprocating to your affections. Holding onto you and allowing you to hold onto him.

The only issue?

He was the only person who you interacted with.

Whenever anyone else tried they were always met with extreme hesitance and silence or you running away. Furina was the most hurt by this.

Though, when Neuvillette requested all officials to come meet him for a conference, they all had a feeling that you may be part of the reason why.

And when Wriothesley, Sigewinne, Furina and Clorinde all came and found him alone in the conference room he called them too, they thought that they may have been wrong.

Well there were wrong about being wrong.

“I have called you here today,” Neuvillette started, “to talk about my mew friend.”

Silence around the room.

The Dragon cleared his throat before continuing.

“If you could not tell before this point, the reason they do not interact with anyone outside of myself is because they are shy.”

Furina huffed at that.

“They have admitted to me that they feel tremendously bad about that, and wish to remedy their relationships with you all. As such, they have a gift for each of you. You may come in now, mon chéri.”

He gestured at a door, and you creeped in with four wrapped baskets on their arms. Blush dappled your cheeks as you looked down. You walked around the table, placing a basket in front of each official - minus Neuvillette.

All the baskets matched the general aesthetic of its recipient. And when unwrapped, we’re filled with all kinds of pastries and treats. You made your round and ran behind the Dragon Sovereign, shoving your face into his side.

He chuckled before leaning down and whispering something in your ear. You stepped forward and began to speak.

“Je m'excuse pour mes actions et mon comportement. Dans la mesure du possible, pourriez-vous trouver dans vos cœurs la possibilité de me pardonner?”

You barely looked up as you spoke, the flawless yet soft speech of the old tongue of Fontaine shocking them. Then Furina stood with dramatic tears in her eyes.

“OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU DARLING!!! AWE OF COURSE I CAN!!” She quickly got out of her seat and run up to hug you, you wrapping your arms around her.

You shoved your face in her hair as you spoke.

“Merci Madame. Ton pardon illumine mon âme.”

It seemed as though the sun shined a bit brighter into the room.

໒꒰ྀི˶˙Ⱉ˙˶꒱ྀིა Author’s note : Little baby!!!! Little baby!!!!!!! I wanna hold them so bad??? Mmmm little baby Melusine!Creator…໒꒰ྀི˶˃ᆺ˂˶ ꒱ྀིა

*My darling - Neuvillette to You

* I apologize for my actions and behavior. If at all possible, would you be able to find it in your hearts to forgive me? - You to Everyone

* Thank you my Lady. Your forgiveness lights my soul. - You to Furina

[disneyprincemuke]

can u explain fast times and fast nights for me? I dont get the concept but I rlly want to read it😭

thank yOUUUUU I LOVE THIS QUESTIONNNNNN

ok OK OK SO ftfn is an idea i had about 'what if the f1 grid were to be wags instead and it's in a reality show format'? and this all stemmed from tine saying that she wanted to write one of her fics in dts style but she's never watched it (it's my guilty pleasure it's so dramatic for no rzn) so anyway

i ended up only keeping A COUPLE of drivers to be active wags with their partners on the grid because i feel like some drivers aren't dramatic like that... so that tells you who will be on the grid. we used a lot of ocs for this one while keeping a couple accurate relationships! ocs include my vr femdriver, my inthaf femdriver; @angsthology's jupiter nightshade, camellia ayudisha and roo! the others are ocs from other stories that have got NOTHING to do with f1 hehe

the actual episodes are better formatted, but the outtakes are introductions to the couples on the grid, which is why they're so short and kinda messy!!!

the format of the fics itself, i understand, is a little weird i admit... let me guide u through it...

^ these texts in small text and indents are commentary... so if you've watched dts, it's like mf will buxton talking over clips yk? it's like the narrator speaking, basically, except she ain't as silly as will buxton

^ these ones here are standalone quotes said about whom the outtakes are about... in this case, sonnet and mick <3... i didn't really know how to format them on tumblr better so i understand that it's a bit confusing and if you've got suggestions how to make them a bit more distinct, pls lmk cuz i'm driving myself crazy

^ stuff like these are news article titles! again... wasn't sure how to format them so i be using every single tumblr format they allow me to use LMFAO

^ these are quotes... from those whom the outtakes are about... so the top you can kind of derive that it's mick and that the bottom one is sonnet

it's really very complicated because tumblr doesn't really give me much formatting to work with... if you guys have got any better idea how i can handle this, i'd really really appreciate it like seriously HAHA

i really really love ftfn and i really hope u guys like it too... the formatting is a little weird because tumblr is a bit restrictive, but if you guys have got any ideas to make it better, i'm very open to the help <3

[causenessus]

hi my dearest loveliness !! good evening afternoon OR morning I HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL TODAY!! AND I HOPE YOUVE EATEN!! i literally just woke up (it’s 3pm…. my parents literally watched me come out of my room and were like ???)(you just woke up???)LMFAO BUT BUT i’m back to work tomorrow so i wanted to sleep in a lot today(I HAVE A 9-5:30 RIGHT OFF THE BAT)(MY WORK HATES ME??)but omg i just saw the ask from sav(sorry am i allowed to call her that too)(IM SORRY IDK) and i was like AWWWW “you and your mango anon” I AM NESS’ MANGO ANON idk why i thought it was so cute and sweet like YOU GIGGLE AND READ THEM?? THATS SO CUTE?? IM GONNA EXPLODE?? but let’s all yap together this is yap central(a safe place for yappers)

omg last night i got so many notifs if you answering every ask bat to bat and I FELT SO BAD BECAUSE I WROTE A LOT YESTERDAY BUT YOU STILL ANSWERED EACH ASK WITH LIKE SO SO MUCH PASSION??(idk if that’s the right word) but you always answer each ask with ur heart like non of it is halfassed(sorry am i allowed to swear)(IVE BEEN REFRAINING FROM SWEARING BECAUSE IDK I DONT THINK IVE SEEN YOU SWEAR OUTSIDE YOUR SMAUS???)(or idk i’m crazy i think i’m crazy)

I WOULD SHARE WHAT CONCERT IT WAS LIKE I WAS GOING TO but i was like omg i’m gonna dox myself LOL BUT actually you know what’s so funny i don’t even live in the states(LORE DROP) ALSO DECLAN MCKENNA?? THATS SO COOL THAT YOU GOT TO SEE HIM i think he’s on tour again right now?? or just performing right now (I THINK) im pretty sure i saw on ticketmaster! i would 100% go but literally my bank account is decreasing a little too much for my liking and it’s time to lock in and go ultra saving mode LOL BUT OMG MITSKI??? stop it if i was rich i would 100% fly over to your state and buy tickets for you and me and we could go together and have our losing dogs moment(on repeat by eggy always in my heart)(literally one of my fav smaus LOL)

ness i will read every single part of your response LITERALLY I WILL READ AND ABSORB EVERY PART SO do not worry your pretty little head(as i said this i imagined myself tapping your head with a pretty little fairy stick)BUT OMG ME AND YOU WORKING AT ILLEGAL AGES(actually actually hold on)okay because i started working my retail job when i was 15 but i was like a week away from turning 16 but they accepted me anyways? idk it’s kind of silly but i remember saying i was 15 but turning 16 in a “few days” (i think it was a week and a bit) and they were like mmmm okay! here’s your training days blah blah blah LOL listen i really wanted a job… i always felt bad asking my parents for money so i was like you know what ILL get my own money(here i am 2-3 years later still trapped in retail)also i totally get the hostess thing because my friend works at olive garden as a hostess and like it SOUNDS SO STRESSFUL? because like… you’re kinda in control of how much tips a person gets? (if that makes sense) and it just feels ITS TOO STRESSFUL FOR ME TO FANTOM LIKE i cant i feel like im too much of a people pleaser where id just be like oh! oh you don’t want this table? okay! oh i have you too many tables? i’m sorry! my bad! let me do it! ALSO IDK i hate fixed schedules like i like the random rotation every week LOL like it’s kinda a surprise!! like omg what days am i working today type of thing you know! BUT OMG THEM KEEPING YOU ON STANDBY IS CRAZY AFTER YOU QUIT LOL they love you so much they want to keep you <3 i can’t blame them <3 ness is a very lovable person <3 but restaurant environments are different from retail idk how you do it like I APPAUD YOU AND EVERY OTHER RESTAURANT WORKER because like dealing with hangry people everyday like… i already deal with impatient customers which make me wanna pull my hair like i remember one time during this rush we had everyone on cash like everyone on the tills right and this guy came up to my till and he’s like “yall need more workers” LIKE CANT YOU SEE EVERYONE ON THE TILLS RIGHT NOW??WE ARE TRYING OUR BEST !! and i was deadass like “haha sorry….. would you like a bag for 50 cents?”

ALSO YOURE SO BUSY WHAT?? your schedule is so jacked up HOW DO YOU DO IT??? like literally uni + job AND THEATRE??? and also the fact that you have more than one job?? PLS PLS PLS EAT AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF LOVE YOURE GONNA BURN OUT </3

omg if i worked lights with you it would’ve been so so so much better like i’m not discrediting the light people i worked with BUT it was the fact that they were a year younger right so they didn’t really know what they were doing since all our light crew graduated and for some reason people didn’t like doing lights as much? so they were just first years doing lights and i had to help out a bunch and kind of guide them BCUZ IDK WHY MY TECH TEACHER DIDNT DO IT RIGHT so i had to focus on sound PLUS helping the lights people which i don’t really mind too much when we’re just having rehearsals but like during shows i was a little more stressed because they weren’t that confident and was always asking just to make sure and it was 100% not their fault of course but I WAS STILL STRESSED and doing my hardest to help him while trying to also keep track of where the play was(sorry very messy)(i too am like you and i do NOT proof read these whatsoever) IF I COULD I WOULD DROP EVERYTHING AND FLY THERE !! we could be the light + sound duo because i literally miss my tech days like i lowkey thought about doing it in uni but IDK WHY I DIDNT !! I SHOULDVE !! also another suna smau would heal me (LMFAO NO PRESSURE) BUT I LITERALLY LOVE ALL OF INARIZAKI?? like they all have my heart(especially kita and osamu like oh my god)BUT OH MY GOD IF YOU DO I THINK ILL CRY LIKE “OMG THATS ME GUYS” “I AM MANGO ANON !!!” BUT you have sooooo much stuff lined up so DO NOT WORRY TOO MUCH!! what you’ve been giving right now (TRY AGAIN AND TONICS <333) is already so good like the idea and concepts AND IM SO EXCITED FOR THEM TOO AHH

THE CAST NOT BEINF ABLE TO PROJECT THEIR VOICES ARE SO REAL !!! maybe i’m just saying this because i only did plays in high school right so it was a bunch of kids right but it was soooo frustrating because like SPEAK UP but also the fact that some cast got better mics than others? like tell me why i can’t hear this lead but i can hear this random person playing a citizen like?? BUT LITERALLY WHEN MICS DIE I LITERALLY WANNA JUST FALL TO THE FLOOR LIKE and the director is just like “keep going” LIKE DONT KEEP GOING WHAT? I CANT HEAR? like i literally feel like i have to focus my energy like some type of anime character to my ears just to hear a SNIPPET of what they’re saying but then sometimes i get in trouble for missing cues </3 LIKE I’M SORRY IT ISNT MY FAULT LIKE MAYBE GET BETTER SPEAKERS AND MICS?? also not you literally running the whole tech crew like rewiring the motherboard and climbing stuff like ness mvp tech girl LOL BUT I GET NOT WANTING TO THINK ABOUT THOSE TIMES LIKE i swear all tech/cast crew environments are SO toxic like i literally remember one of the cast fainting because like we literally got no breaks at all so she was probably overwhelmed with the lighting and everything else then that’s when the director was like ok… let’s take a break like YOU THINK??

ALSO YOURE SO RIGHT if the previous men i’ve talked to is on tumblr reading cutesy little haikyuu x femreader stuff THEN THATS ANOTHER PROBLEM(NO STOP I LITERALLY GIGGLED SO HARD WHEN YOU SAID THAT LOL)(everytime i read your responses im always smiling and giggling like i always reread it too LOL) but omg ness… the quarantine online gaming breakout season is such a canon event like BECAUSE ME TOOOOO LOL(we are so soulmates) mine was a mix of minecraft and roblox and I LITERALLY MET A WHOLE GROUP ONLINE TOO IT WAS CRAZY the ptsd flashbacks is so real but THATS SO GIRLBOSS OF YOU LIKE YES!! CALL MEN OUT ON THEIR SHIT!!(sorry swearing again) BE NO MANS PEACE!! i will literally find him and politely beat him up for you <333 TIME FOR LORE DROP AND IF THE PERSON READS THIS THEN ??? WELL ??? oh well LOL but anyways so i was in this little online group idk i kind of just found them through twitter and i was like WHY NOT so i became friends with this guy he went by socks(discord names are so real)and like we got really close right and like he was the only person i really VC’d with (AND AND TO BE FAIR I THINK ITS BECAUSE WE WERE LIKE THE BABIES OF THE GROUP) like we were the same age while everyone else was like 19-25ish now(idk what i was doing hanging out with them as a minor but oh well)(i’m 18 now so it’s ok!)(but i literally don’t talk to any of them now LOL)but i remember this one specific conversation where he was like teaching me spanish?? because i don’t know i was teaching him viet too so it was just a silly little thing and i translated it(this was through texts like i still have the screenshot LOL) and he basically confessed to me through text in spanish right then afterwards they were like JK JK JK!! IDK idk if it was real or not but we drifted a lot after that so idk! sock if ur out there !! im sorry !! to be fair though they didn’t give me a chance to reply because i had to translate it then when i came back to the chat they were like IM JK IM JK SO idk! I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW!! also i will def report back when i get a poke bowl but im very very picky about the way i eat raw fish bevause sometimes it’s okay but when there’s an overwhelming amount i kind of get scared and im like hmmm maybeeee.. not this time… LOL It really depends for me!! but maybe ill try the imitation crab one if i see it!

AND UR SO RIGHT ONE DAY I WILL COME TO YOU AND I WILL BE UR GUARD DOG AT WORK !!! i’m glad yesterday was better! hopefully it keeps getting better, i will fight off the bad omens for you ness i will stand in the front lines fighting them off I COULD NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU but i will be a tiny tiny bit upset because I WANT YOU TO EAT WELL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF !! eggs and toast is so real but don’t worry :( a meal is a meal and you did good by getting up and making yourself something small! little steps are okay, i will be here along the way so don’t worry! take your time <333 I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT REST OF YOUR DAY!! (it literally took me an hour to write this because now it’s 4:30)(BUT i did eat in between writing) I HAD RICE AND CHICKEN YIPPPPEE!! i had to take a little break to eat then i continued writing LOL(but so real on saying ill go back but you never do because … me too)(i’m too lazy to look back on what i wrote so ill just trust myself) (mango anon loves you very much pls take care of yourself) (ALSO) i just realized i could make the font smaller (thank you again sav for the idea) so it would be easier to scroll pass these LOL BUT ANYWAYS MAKE SURE TO EAT AND REST WELL !!! xoxoxoxo

HELLO MY LOVE!!! MY DAY WAS PRETTY OKAY!! BESIDES THE CAR CRISIS OFC 😭😭 AND PLEASE WAKING UP AT 3PM IS SO REAL I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE </33 AND ESPECIALLY IF U WORK A 9-5:30 TOMORROW DEFINITELY GET ALL THE SLEEP YOU CAN GET!! REST UP AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLS <3 MAKE SURE TO DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND BRING PLENTY WITH YOU TOMORROW AND PLEASE EAT!! and don't apologize at all you're def okay to call sav sav as well (i'm pretty sure!!) AND YOU ARE MY MANGO ANON <33 AND I LOVE U SM!! AND I LOVE UR PARANTHESES LMAO THEY'RE SO CUTE <3 YES YAP CENTRAL!!

AND omg mango anon i just have to tell you like how honored i am <3 like i feel so seen by you!! the way you see the passion in my writing and like notice that i don't curse outside of my writing pls :(( my face is literally going :((( rn /pos i try not to curse outside of my writing just bc it's not my thing!! but ofc you can and like sometimes i still do!! definitely do whatever you want AND SORRY FOR ALL THE NOTIFS YESTERDAY AND TODAY SINCE I'M DOING THE SAME THING LMAO 😭 i'm the one that lets them bunch up so dw about them at all!! and mango anon i genuinely love talking and replying to you so so much AND I'M REALLY SO THANKFUL FOR EVERY ASK FROM ANYONE SO OFC I'LL BE ANSWERING IT WITH PASSION!! I GET WHAT YOU MEAN ENTIRELY AND I'M GLAD THAT GETS ACROSS WELL <3 I JUST APPRECIATE YOU ALL SM <3

AND YOU DEF DON'T HAVE TO SAY WHAT CONCERT YOU WENT TO!! I WAS WORRIED ABOUT LIKE THAT DOXXING U OR SOMETHING bc i had no idea you didn't live in the states!!! i definitely automatically assumed that and that maybe u had went to a different state since we were in the same timezone for a little bit but that makes total sense and that was my bad for assuming 😭😭 BUT AA YES!! I'D LOVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND MAYBE I WILL <3 LIKE HIS TICKETS DEF ARE NOT BAD PRICING AND HE'S AMAZING!!! i'm just insanely broke and like ik he's touring with sabrina carpenter rn or something??? which is super cool and good for him!! and sabrina's cool but i don't think i'd enjoy or be able to afford her concerts 😭 and that's okay!! maybe my tickets were cheap the time i went to see him bc it was a little more niche <3 AND AAA YES I WISH WE COULD SEE MITSKI TOGETHER!! the entire crowd would be in tears over i bet on losing dogs like that's our national anthem FRFR!!!!

I WAS IMAGINING THE PRETTY LITTLE FAIRY STICK WITH U thank you for tapping my head <33 AND I ALSO READ ABSORB EVERYTHING U TELL ME SO PLEASE YAP AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!! AND DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT SMALL FONT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO <3 YOU DO WHATEVER YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEART DESIRES!!! (i am giving ur heart a kiss rn mwah <3) BUT PLEASE THE ILLEGAL JOBS FR SOME PLACES BE CRAZY AND THEY STILL GET AWAY WITH IT!!! BUT YOU GET IT EXACTLY like at the restaurant i often work at we often just have a rotation with no server sections bc it's pretty small (i'd only be forced to do sections when i worked with my manager who made me want to DIE and made me cry once i literally ran out and cried next to a steakhouse across from us) and so basically i just sit people at random tables (i always ask them like "is this table okay?" and i'm not really asking them like girl i have better things to be doing than escorting you around this restaurant trying to see what table tickles your fancy the best. i just ask them so i don't sound super forward like "THIS IS YOUR TABLE SUCK IT UP." yk??) and whoever's turn it is next, they get it so i'll tell them like "table three for two people" so like I REALLY DO NOT CONTROL WHAT CUSTOMERS A SERVER GETS BUT THEY ALL COME AND COMPLAIN AT ME FOR HOW BAD THEIR TABLES ARE (probably bc they're trying to guilt trip me or be passive aggressive) BUT LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?? I'M NOT PURPOSELY GIVING PEOPLE BAD OR GOOD TABLES LIKE 😭😭 and i'm sure it's even worse at places like olive garden which are way bigger! and you have to work with other hosts and more people so best of luck to your friend she's doing amazing <3 AND YOU GET IT!! LIKE IT'D PROABABLY BE NICE TO HAVE A FIXED SCHEDULE BUT ALSO I COULDN'T DO IT I LOVE BEING SCHEDULED ON RANDOM DAYS EVERY WEEK I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMING also the guy who told you you guys needed more workers??? THANK YOU SIR FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS!! I HAD NO IDEA, LET ME, JUST A PERSON WHO WORKS HERE, NOT A MANAGER OR ANYTHING, GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT ON AN APRON AND START HELPING SINCE WE NEED MORE WORKERS!! CONGRATS YOU'RE HIRED!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH MANGO ANON 😭 I ALREADY FEEL SO BURNT OUT I'M REALLY HOPING THINGS WILL CALM DOWN AFTER SEPTEMBER IG (WHEN I STOP WORKING TWO JOBS) OR BY NOVEMEBER AT LEAST (WHEN THEATRE IS OVER) BUT WE'LL SEE </3 i'm sure things will continue to come up but i fr just want to lay down and sleep until 3pm like u did today 😔😔 that sounds so nice </3

AND PLEASE WHY IS YOUR TECH THEATRE STORIES THE SAME AS MINE like i was a run and props kid until my school's musical sophomore year where we got these three boys who all wanted to do tech and we had too many run and props kids so i was like "yk what. let me go to lights so that hopefully u three can be together" which didn't even work out bc one of the boys got thrown into lights with me while the other two were on run and props but were on opposite wings LMAO and so that was my first show doing lights which i did board op for because it was also our last show of the year which was also our like senior who knew everything about lights' last show so after that she GRADUATED and i was the one left to figure everything out 😭😭 and then the year after we lost our senior that knew everything about sound so my senior year was a STRUGGLE omg...bad times. but then i left that department a mess bc i could no longer care. like that lights kid wanted my job so badly? fine, fend for urself bro i'm not teaching u anything (sorry i am spiteful against that kid still LMAO) I ALSO THOUGHT ABOUT DOING TECH IN UNI!! my junior year i was fully planning to go to school to get a bfa for lighting design (new grounds was such a self insert for me LMAO) and my tech director literally pushed me to do it but then i decided i really did not want to be in these toxic stressful environments for the rest of my life 😭 BUT IF I HAD YOU!!! I DEF ACTUALLY WOULDN'T MIND <3 WE WOULD BE THE BEST DUO EVER I KNOW IT!! WE'D BOTH KNOW HOW TO DO OUR JOBS AND THAT WOULD BE LITERALLY GROUND BREAKING!! i mean even just reading ur stories i could feel the stress of like managing EVERYTHING i am so sorry for u mango anon but i am with u completely and from one tech mother to another, thank u for ur services 🫡 (i say tech mother bc WOMEN IN STEM!! in my entire four years of high school our top of the mill techies were always girls until we had this one run and props guy ruin it 🙄 he's actually the same guy who i used to like and the one who my mutual friend tried to get us to go to prom together but like i would NEVER UGHGHGH sorry he's also so frustrating to deal with i need to stop thinking about those times and this is exactly why i didn't actually go into theatre for school LMAOO) BUT YES AAA!! I WILL UPDATE YOU ON THE SUNA TECH SMAU AND I LOVE ALL OF INARIZAKI TOO <33333 haruichi furudate really put his whole budget into that team like please everyone on there is so pretty and beautiful and amazing and pookie shaped i love them sm <33 AND LOWKEY i was feeling like a stage manager reader (probably usually audio head but is stage managing this show) x lights head suna...bc i think that'd just be a crazy dynamic of her lowkey being in a higher position than him and he's just teasing and messing with her the whole time..BUT IDK and ik like theatre works differently in college but THIS IS MY WORLD AND WRITING SO I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!! i also have absolutely nothing actually planned out for the smau so who even knows LMAO THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME TO TAKE MY TIME </3 THERE'S DEFINITELY SO MUCH I NEED TO DO AND TOO LITTLE TIME UEFBIEWIOEGLN

BUT I'M GLAD U HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCES WITH PEOPLE NOT STRUGGLING we did this one horror play (which was SUCH a mess. okay let me just say this. our stage manager full on just gave up like halfway thru and would sit next to me reading vampire books and so same lights kid that kept trying to steal my job decided that it was "UP TO HIM" to save the show HIS WORDS EXACTLY I REMEMBER HEARING ABOUT THIS when literally the entire show was going fine and so basically he was like overthrowing our stage manager and was taking it upon himself to stage manage instead and give cues and just OMG THAT SHOW WAS A MESS BUT ANYWAY) and our main character just would NOT project like she was always cranky the musical we did that year she would just not sing or talk and we were like bro...ur in a musical BUT ANYWAY she wouldn't project we literally ended up hanging a mic and putting a little speaker in the booth so we could hear her bc like it was so important that we heard her lines but we couldn't when we were in a booth behind four windows and a closed door 😭😭

AND HELP YOUR ONLINE STORIES??? I GIGGLED READING ABOUT HIM TEACHING YOU SPANISH AND YOU TEACHING HIM VIET BUT ALSO THE ENTIRE FRIEND GROUP BEING OLDER WHEN YOU WERE A MINOR WAS CRAZY BUT I CAN'T EVEN JUDGE BC THAT WAS ME TOO 😭😭 I FEEL LIKE THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS IS FOR ME I'M LIKE ALWAYS ONE OF THE YOUNGEST PEOPLE IN A FRIEND GROUP but i cannot imagine what that guy was thinking (i LOVE DISCORD NAMES HOLD ON LET ME GO FIND THE NAME OF MY GUY i think he changed it bc it's froge now...but ANYWAY IT WAS SOMETHING LAME AND SO WAS HIS ROBLOX USER IT WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE DARK KNIGHT IDK) but i cannot imagine the stress socks was going thru </33 i bet he sent that and then u were like "oh let me go translate it!" and then he was like "OMG SHE DIDN'T RESPOND AND SHE WENT OFFLINE SHE HATES ME" and just flipped and said "jk" bc THERE'S NO WAY THAT WAS JUST A JOKE LIKE U DO NOT TEACH PEOPLE CONFESSIONS LIKE DID THE TAMING OF THE SHREW TEACH U PEOPLE NOTHING THAT IS SO OLD SCHOOL!! (i also never proofread these and just go on tangents and for that, i am sorry </3)

BUT I ALSO DON'T LIKE RAW FISH DW AT ALL!! like they have a hawaiian poke bowl too or something with all raw tuna and i'm like...yeah i'm good actually... and so my only other choice is imitation crab unfortunately 😭 BUT I HOPE YOU FIND SOMETHING GOOD AND LIKE IT!!

MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU <3 I ATE A BAGEL HALFWAY THROUGH THIS AS WELL (you can probably tell when i started eating it bc i was only typing with my left hand and probably didn't use as many crying emojis for a bit LMAO) AND I LOVE TALKING TO YOU!! I LOVE YOU <3 AND I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL!! I LOVE CHICKEN AND RICE AND I WILL MAKE SURE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AS LONG AS YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SHIFT TOMORROW!! <3

[wewontdieunbloomed]

this is part two of unlearning the bad things i unconsciously learnt from last year.

part one was the negative default pessimism i fall in to, which i keep calling it me being emo which means i dwell in my “misery” for far too long, instead of trying to think of something positive to get myself moving out of the bad zone i am in. as we are often told, sadness and negativity gets comforting, it feels like you are protecting yourself. but one cannot see beauty in life and find joy for oneself if one does not make oneself vulnerable.

and so making myself vulnerable is what ive been doing. trying to romanticise this state that im in, a liminal space, at crossroads. its not the most ideal, too many things are unknown and for the first time in my life im dealing with having barely any structure to my days, with nothing to do yet so much i should do.

it took me quite a while to stop lamenting this unknown and start returning to the foundations i built this blog and my entire philosophy off, the whole concept of “lest we die unbloomed” of making sure i dont realise one day ive wasted my time. and in small parts i like to think ive made progress on that

the focus now is the second part. i lost a lot of my attention span and impulse control, and today i reached a horrible point where i am sitting on the kitchen floor at 9 with no dinner, having ruined my microwave dinner out of a lack of common sense. i am not sure if all this recent muddling is because of covid brain fog or the horrifying amount of screen time i have had recently, but i was so sick of it. i have done a lot of things on impulse recently, and though today i had a really fulfilling day spending time with people i havent in a long time, when i got home and im back to reality of the things i havent done and been procrastinating for too long on, i felt horrible. this need to change, i realised.

so this is part two. it calls back to one of the values i set as something important to myself, being honest with myself. i know what im doing now is not working. i know that even though i use my planner im not sticking to it. i know my todo lists are not helping me. then why do i stubbornly stick to methods i know dont work? i told myself a year ago i would not change my system if it doesnt need to be changed. i have forgotten that i need to change it when it does. how silly! so im changing.

so in the last 2 hours in order to get myself up ive written todo lists on paper instead of in my journal. used a timer for every single step from shower to sweeping the floor to brushing my teeth. enough lazing around and letting simple things occupy too much time. its a parkinsons law thing.

enough doomscrolling and opening instagram when i have nothing to do. im setting a limit for a block of time in the day where i am not allowed to use social media, pwrhaps not any internet at all. i need to make drastic change, even if it seems inconsequential. it might not be academic but its personal. and my personal life and what i want to do with my time is worth taking big measures for, because it should be more important than all that revision for exams i used to do.

so the point f this ramble is to clear things out with myself. make some sense of whats goijg on. have a direction. tomorrow i have an interview. ill come home and do the chores i have to. prepare for my afternoon activity. go for lunch and my afternoon appointment. go for a run. buy dinner. write my applications. research on uni stuff. read a book. and all the other tint things i need to give more importance to even though they seem inconsequential. it sa new mantra ive gotten into ever since part one of this. that “this is the way” this is the new way. enough lazing. its time to go hard and be rurhless. take things up a notch because when else can i do it? go big from experiences to measures i have to take to discipline myself. this is the way.

04.04.2023

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat, i want to ask about an outsider's view on things concerning my partner and i. i feel like i lean a lot on my friends during times like these and i dont want to bother them again anymore, currently, about these issues.

my partner and i recently have been fighting a lot, about mundane things, usually stemming from me being pushed a little. i do agree that i may be a little too sensitive about certain things, and sometimes i become selfish. my familial relationships are rooted in emotional abuse so i had been closed off my whole life. sometimes i drop everything on him about things and he has his limits. this is because i often feel like if he likes me he will do anything for me even though theyre out of line.

his part of the family isnt great either, he had been exposed to physical abuse disguises as love afterwards, and he wants to leave as soon as he finishes his degree.

we have broken up before, due to miscommunication, he wants to sleep things off before talking and i take that as a personal insult when i cant help my emotions, i want to solve things before bed. however we have compromised sometimes, and things have been great.

the thing is i am half positive that we are often fighting recently due to us missing each other, we havent met each other in a month now, and it is the longest we have not seen each other in person. however, since he is still staying at his parents' house and hes not allowed to leave for trips unannounced unless he wants to get the consequences, we havent been able to cope well this vacation period.

i never mean to start a fight but recently everytime i say my feelings he has an issue with it. one time we had a plan to watch moviws together online, so i asked him to set a plan. and he did, however he turned up 35 minutes late and it greatly upset me. he informed me after we cooled down that he had been lectured by his parents and he couldnt message me during it. i understand that i had a fault in not perceiving things a lot, however i think the whole fight could have been avoided if he apologized and told me immediately afterqards the reason why. he had told me that i was too sensitive about it and that it wasnt his fault. i had let it pass because i do think its also true, given that i myself am also late sometimes.

yesterday, we had spent the day together playing online games and watching movies. however, by the time it was nightfall, i had felt down and i told him that i feel like the love i had received for the day wasnt enough and that i dont mean it as an offense to him. he said he loved me a lot the whole day and i should think back and cherish the moments we had. i dont even rememver what happened after that but we got into a huge fight, i just feel like i want some love and he should have just given it? instead of trying to tell me that im being ungrateful, because i dont think i am, i appreciated the whole day i just wanted to be cuddled to bed too, and i feel like we didnt connect a lot. he said i can never be content and will always want more than he can give, and then he had slept.

i understand that im sometimes asking for too much, but then again. i cant helo it sometimes and i dont mean to. i also dont want to accidentally start a fight every single time i feel a negative emotion.

i dont know what is happening to us and i just want someone to shine a light on what is happening. sorry for the long ask, i hope you have a good day. thanks for listening

There are no obvious red flags here in the sense that I don't get the impression that you OR your partner is doing something inherently abusive towards the other. But it seems like you both have your fair share of emotional issues and related trauma, and that you have a tendency to talk past and trigger each other. And the key to resolve it isn't in you forcing a discussion when he's asking for space, just like he doesn't get to just tell you to feel differently when you communicate unmet needs. So you have to decide whether there is still something worth fighting for in this connection, and then you both have to be willing to work on yourself and compromise and communicate. Because maintaining a relationship is hard work, especially during less than ideal circumstances, and whether you're both able to put in the work it would take to change this pattern is worth thinking about

[sphericalbee]

this is long asf and i know it STARTS w me being like 'i should kms' but im gna spoil it for u all and say that's NOT where it goes lmfao im just dumping out all my thoughts

!! very very rambly, not proofread even once, probably makes no sense and is very cheesy

i wrote a fucking novel holy shit LMFAO no hard feelings if u skip

if i can be kinda depressing for a second i think ab killing myself too much for someone who is basically fine (that might be a lie idk i don't feel like thinking ab it more rn) 😭 like the world just has so many issues i dont wna deal with,,, yk? and it would be so much easier to just move on to whatever's next, bc i KNOW ill have a fuckton of debt in college and have to live through miserable relationships and watch the earth fall apart bc our leaders r so incompetent. even now im living through like 5 genocides, insane global warming, a poverty crisis, inflation, and all of this can be boiled down to greed and hatred

also a lot of kids my age are so horrible for no reason and it's sad to think how many people just absolutely suck ass

but at the same time i won't kill myself bc there are people who i wna make sure get through everything alright, and ik i have good things to live through too

so ive compromised and decided i get to shoot myself in the head when im like 60 if i don't have a wife and the world is still a mess 💀 like i don't wna live longer than i'll enjoy it (lets be reallll global warming will kill us all before i have to do anything anyway)

surprisingly, i got a lot better after reading philosophy books? making sense of the world and appreciating the genius of the philosophers, who were ppl just like me, helps

i feel like ive found so many new ways to think ab and experience the world through philosophy. it's a beautiful part of humanity, trying to understand and having genuine fascination about the way things are and what everything means

good music helps too. yerin baek to fall in love with everything and cry over every single feeling you've ever had ever, universe mongae when that's too much and i have to detach

i listen to universe mongae a lot in class bc my classmates fuckingh SUCKK and she sets me apart from my emotions or feeling lonely when im leaving myself out on purpose bc they're not good people

a few days ago, i was listening to yerin baek as i walked back to school from lunch and the world was suddenly so beautiful and i realised how everyone else has a consciousness and worlds just as real as mine and i fell in love with everyone (by everyone i mean like 30 people)

suddenly i couldn't even care how much i missed out on or the people who i wish loved me more because in the grand scheme of things, im allowed to be careless and love without reciprocation and it won't matter because i hold no more worth than a dragonfly... to have zero expectations for what you could and should feel or be and just enjoy yerin's voice in the moment might be one of the happiest moments i've ever had, honestly

yk whats ironic? it was a love song directed as another person that made me realise i could feel love and not care if i was still no one's favorite. life is beautiful anyway because i can love and make it beautiful on my own

not that my state of 'im fine with loving everyone alone' will last very long. i mean,, im just a mammal LMAO i can't deny my own brain chemistry

even just earlier today i finished the math test earlier and accidentally started thinking ab my childhood. idk why it happened but i did

and i remembered how i was so selfish and couldn't let anyone see i was anything less than perfect

there's one memory where i mispronounced a word and a girl corrected me. and i immediately tried to say, "no i know, but my brother says it that way and i do it too on accident". she called me out, obviously, and i rolled my eyes before whispering "it's true though" in the hope that someone would hear and think "oh she actually knew that"

it's sad to think how i used to be. that's from around 7th grade, i think, so i would've been 11 maybe?

up to a few months ago i would randomly remember that and feel insane anger and hatred for my younger self

it seems so foreign to me now and weird that i could hate a child for being brought up with horrible conditions and lacking emotional maturity. i thought that if i could go back in time i would just look at her and feel bad bc i got so much better since then

maybe even love her idk she's not having fun either 💀 do u think she enjoys holding herself to absolute perfection and looking like a dumbass in front of everyone when that's inevitably impossible??

there was another time that made me so sad to think ab

i got dragged along to my brother's friend's birthday party and some kid did smth rude

and i watched as the kid got chewed out by his mom and then went to apologise to the birthday kid

and the birthday kid just said, so seriously, "I accept your apology"

and i remember thinking smth like 'whoa that's cool id be so embarrassed talking like that'

thinking ab that time (i think i was 12ish maybe) is so crazy. like my parents did such a shit job that i thought i had to be SO ALOOF and above it all that accepting an apology was weak and embarrassing?? jesus i cannot wait to move out 💀 ill send them an email when im gone telling them everything they'd send me back to therapy for

ive been reading too much philosophy, and a lot of that revolves around the meaning of life and how to achieve happiness/catharsis. but i think i have my own conclusion of what it means to be happy even without plato haha

ive never been happier than when i began to forgive and understand myself

it feels like i can live as i want and it's not important. one of my favorite quotes is "i could die tonight and hold no more significance than a dragonfly's death". i wouldn't say im a nihilist but i do like the idea that nothing means anything other than the worlds we have in our minds

it's my mission to make those i care about happy and carve out a good future for myself

ive tried to follow a lifestyle of "i work for my future without ruining my present" but ngl i just ended up anorexic literally three times in the past 5 years 💀 idek what i did wrong like DAMN?? chill tf out hggsdhgfsgd i had a panic attack over eating an extra bit of cheese one time

also fuck my parents for giving me no life skills. raising urself is really hard and you end up with so much internalised bullshit

im honestly so proud of myself for turning everything around after 8th grade

i guess i owe a lot to my classmates for not letting me get away w bullshit and caring ab political issues

it's pretty wild that i cry at movies now when last year i was apathetic all the time

i think i like having feelings? pretty undecided still ngl

i think it's a step up

but i can't even talk to my parents ab how they fucked everything up for me and i had to pull myself out pf the absolute trenchessssss or theyll make me do family therapy and ill end up forgiving them which id rather explode than do

anyway ig my point is if you're having trouble with existence or mental health, pls don't give up on yourself. i promise there's people out there who either love you or will in the future and you just need a few quality coping mechanisms to make it through the day

whether that's antidepressants, the powerpuff girls, philosophy (:33 which it should be), yerin baek (which it also should be), or vent art, find ways to make life liveable until you're ok again. bc you always will be in the end

i probably don't know you but i love you because you have a life and a consciousness

please recognise that about everyone

i read somewhere that everything will always be alright in the end and if it's not okay yet, it's not the end either. it sounds dumb and doesn't really make sense (where's the logic lmao site ur sources at least) but it's such a nice sentiment

i think ummm i will go to school and give all my friends a big hug tmrw so pls don't be sad in the meantime

anyway loossemble's new album is good im so happy for them

this is the happiest and healthiest hyeju's ever looked i lowkey wna cry over how well theyre doing ;v;

also highkey want her to put me in a chokehold like GHSFDFJFSDHGJK those ARMSSSSSS MOTHER??

fuck modhaus tho i hope artms r doing well... fucking jaden jeong ugh

[richardsphere]

Leverage Redemption Log: The Big Rig Job

Easter Weekend is over, time for myself lets continue. Big rig is US slang for one of those long-distance deliverytrucks right? --- Christmas tune on a truckstop. Its a christmass special i guess. (and here i was hoping for a break from the horrors of Christianity) Girlboss Tiktok Influencer... Ravi is fired. --- Yup, fuck the US Trucking industry, (i saw a John Oliver piece, this is all realistic, or at least it will be until the 3rd act twist that actually, the company is using the trucks to smuggle drugs/art/stolen goods)

huh, little note of implication that Parker has been visiting Hardisons family for christmass during the timeskip. (makes sense, but makes me worried about the whole "archie acknowledging Parker to his bio-daughter" thing in the last season of the OG series and how that ended up long-term)

Scrooge comparison. New Rule: When you are a long-running TV show, you are only allowed to use a given Christmass Special Reference once. You are allowed to repeat it over the course of the given episode but when you've made it you've burned it. I am sick of having every other season make a Grinch reference as a cheap "its christmass" indication. (Note: References to Scrooge are considered seperate from actual parodies of A Christmass Caroll for this rule, making a cheap reference in season 1 does not cost you the right to do a parody episode in season 5.) I will include into this a rule that your counters are all reset if you produce a single non-christian, Non-halloween special.

Sophie, we all know you are not going on holiday. Let Harry be realistic and pragmatic and return the darn board. (if a miracle happens and he gets to go anyway, the skiclub probably has a rental shack)

Huh, Elliot has been attending Nana's parties as well, thats nice. (If the prospect of Nana's family dinner becomes a running gag, i hope we hear just 1 reference to Mason settling into said fosterfamily)

Cheap gag that Parker doesnt know how to de-stilt herself. (come on, dont make us laugh. this is not a problem for her) --- Its Three Days Till Crimesmash, and we're getting jobs at the truck loading center. Luke has bodyguards, Paige has a floor safe. (not a clue yet as to what might be in there.) Correction: Paige is not an influencer, she's a wannabe.

The office has a coded lock on it. Sophie has to learn actual radio operator stuff.

Paige is drop-shipping a bunch of handbags. "i have worked verry hard to make us look good on paper", they're comitting fraud, and they're selling the place. (which would be good news, except that the company they're selling to is one of those Vulture Companies) This also means we now know whats in the floorsafe: The real non-forged documentation. (serious question btw, if you're engaging in fraud, why keep the legitimate documents? What is the point of forging a will if you dont throw the real one in the fireplace) --- Parker's tree has harnessed the power of the sun. Harry has limited good news: There is grounds for a class action suit. (bad news: They'll have sold by then). Goal: Get YDN to not buy then sue.

Harry has done some digging: The trucks are paid off in full. Ravi does legally own his truck. --- One botnet and one Sophie later and we've got permission to bring cameras to the active crimescene. Because Paige is an idiot. (on a related note, Sophie's colleague is observant and verry worried about what might happen if Sophie slacks off. This seems like the third act twist isnt "we're smuggling weapons" but Sophie leaves post and a trucker almost dies.) Meanwhile its time for Breanna and Elliot to have some fun, (by which i mean vandalism)

Im Jamie, this is Jamie, we've heard all the jokes. (great, both as a joke and to sell the "we're real people who have lives outside of you" by pre-empting the opening you deliberately made)

Breanna clones the Ipad and we're off to the races.

"he always wanted to do lame things, like deliver toys to orphans"... And we've kidnapped Paige. --- Screwdriver, oilslick. Elliot is playing this like a Hitman Level. Breanna just smugly whiping the "89 days since an accident" sign.

Turns out, Elliot (or at least his alter ego) is not forklift certified (someone call Your Fave Is Forklift Certified) Unfortunately, Elliot and Breanna are too good at making Luke look bad and this destroys Parkers safecracking window.

--- Parker manages to steal the safe just in time before the inspector comes into the office. YDN is out (also it seems that their father was such a good person even the vultures respected him)

And as we leave we have succesfully divided. (and unfortunately not conquered, there is always another vulture and also we're like 20 minutes into the episode) Luke is faced by his two thugs. "Big Jim" is not gonna be happy (they're in deep to the mob?) --- One Day Till Christmass, Sophie is still in denial. (also i was right they are smuggling.)

Breanna suspects the thugs might be involved.

Jamie and Jamie are back and putting the camera in Thug and Thugly's faces (Which means Breanna is probably running face ID) Reframing their deliberately engineered humiliation as the start of a Rags To Riches fantasy. Good one.

And Elliot is planting the seeds of paranoia (honestly strange Elliot didnt get fired by Luke yesterday) The farm upstate, its always the farm upstate. --- Janice has abandoned Sophie to check out a christmass present in the loading docks.

Good news: Sophie has found a potential new person to be "in charge" after they oust Luke and Paige. Bad news: They left dispatch unatended and I wouldnt be suprised to find out a truck just crashed. Ah right, the dads name is Nick, like Santa. How could i take this long to notice. (In hindsight Elliot said as much, but i thought he was just making fun of the beard) --- We're back with Harry and Parker, and Paige's open willingness to confess to her crimes on camera to what she believes to be a nationwide audience.

Luke has a gambling problem (he loves the horses about as much as Paige loves the bags). Im almost a bit sorry for Paige. Guns are in the crate that the toys are in.

Elliot gives a goon a crowbar just so he can make the goon hit himself with the crowbar.

guns are in the toytruck (I dont really care? He's not delivering the guns he's moving them away from the cameras. These guns are not gonna be used and while toys for orphans are good they're a cherry on the cake)

Breanna is in the truck (ok i care about that) --- Turns out he is delivering the guns. Sophie tells Janice whats been happening (wait, why are you English? 8.75/10)

Oh she's using the handbags to smuggle the guns? Clever girl. --- Paige threatens to tattle on the thugs (and it seems to work)

I'll be honest, this jump seems more like a Parker thing then an Elliot thing. But i think its just a case that Parker could not believably fail this jump (jumping off stuff is sort of her specialty) so she's been chained to a driverseat to make an excuse for the scene to have some tension.

Two guns in a luxury sedan vs Elliot in a big rig truck. This is just not a fair fight. Wait elliots truck has SPIKES ON THE WHEELS? WHY DOES THE CHRISMTAS TRUCKS HAVE SPIKES ON THE WHEELS? --- Back from commercials, Elliot puts a half-unconcious Luke in the driver seat and calls the cops Meanwhile Breanna finds a childrens chemistry set in the christmas presents (like stealing candy from a gun-smuggling baby) Paige doesnt even get to be present for the big bust (turns out, using a Personal Brand to smuggle guns is kind of incriminating) --- Final Denoement ensues, handing presents out of of the back of the truck. (but seriously, why does the truck have wheelspikes? They didnt even matter to the chasescene choreography but it had WHEELSPIKES? Why does the Santamobile have James Bond Villain-car features?)

[sexisdisgusting]

I saw a woman making a misandrist account with "all men are like this, " men just want sex", "men don't see women as human", " this is universal truth about men" posts every single day multiple times over and over again for months and months while getting a Nigel at the same time who was your moid friend for years… And saying "all men want maids but my nigel is a genuine man and helps me clean"… I saw her tweets and always thought that she sounds naive, childish and mentally disabled because all nigel havers come off as that, I thought "nigel havers are twice as stupid as other women because they believe their moids to be some godlike exception". She got pregnant after two months and continued writing rageful " all men" tweets with a baby in her stomach, stressing it out with all the anger and getting *uwu congratulations on your nigel and baby" replies from other misandrists like… You can expect what happened next. She confessed that he took a condom off a few times behind her back therefore I know that this means that he never saw her as a human and just "conspired" against her like she's a meat or a toilet for his cum. She didn't even notice it. She's still with him and he is her fiance, still a "Nigel". I really think I was born with superior awareness because why I fucking knew she sounds weirdly dumb like they all? Hello what do I know? So I'm not a bitter hater making schizo accusations in my mind and it's just women who lie about their uwu romantic genuine equal relationships? What other horrible assumptions of mine are right… About issues like this they all turn out to be true no matter how insane and disgusting they were and made me sound like a gross person making up things...I got shit for it sooooo many times

But it gets worse, he pays the bills and works, she stays at home... He saw her misandrist acc and lectured her for half an hour... She sounds like her mind is underdeveloped but all het partnered women sound like this to me thats just..... So trippy, she calls her child a bean and a fool she's gonna dress up like it's not human but... A doll lol ykwim like its so childish "omg uwu I'm gonna have a little doll to dress's in cute clothes" wtffff

I was always so abused for making these assumptions abt het relationships... For 8 years now my prophecies were turning out to be true, no matter how misandrist, misogynistic, degenerate I sounded.. No matter how much of a lower people thought I am. This much time also allowed me to observe certain relationships for years and see what happens and you guess what. Worst blackpilled assumptions. Sometimes I sounded like a porn sick moid making up things but they always ended up being true also... What is my brain like this? I was always uncomfortable with womanhood.. Its like im not naive enough to let a moid impregnate me or date one but other women brains work differently. I'm so horrified and disgusted with life and uncomfortable with everything in general, I have access to the awareness women have no access too and I see male pov and I can't ignore it.... I how men conspire behind women backs but women pov brainwashed me to think its not true since they dont see what men see when they are behind their backs literally or not.... I'm terrified wtd everything is so filthy. I can't even call myself different than other women without attacks but I swear I was born with awareness they dont and can't have, I gaslighted myself about it multiple times because of the insults and attacks I got anytime I said that

my jaw fell multiple times reading this holy fucking shit

i really have no words to say

it is weird when you feel everyone around you is blind to how disgusting men are, wilfully too

makes you feel crazy

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

what about intersex people? i have an extremely complex relationship to gender because i have both male and female sex characteristics. where would you place me? i have always identified as a lesbian but i dont identify with she/her pronouns because of my intersex condition. should i force myself to use a label i dont identify with or feel comfortable in? or should i force myself to use pronouns that dont fit?

"Should I [whatever]" isn't really the question to be asking.

Labels are broad for a reason. It's so they can encompass lots of shared experiences/walks of life while being specific enough to not include every single person.

The idea of them being broad and simple means that YOU come before the label. Ie. You aren't forcing anything. You aren't defining a label around you, nor are you defining yourself around a label. You're just being yourself, allowing yourself to find the right label in your own time and at your own pace.

I wouldn't place you anywhere. I wouldn't tell you to just use what ever makes you comfortable either. Cuz sometimes we gotta accept that our labels aren't going to necessarily make us comfortable (internalized [whatever] phobias are very much a thing). You shouldn't be forcing yourself at all.

What I'd suggest is to let go of labels for a bit if it's stressing you out and you don't know what to do. Step back and just let yourself do what feels right. Act what feels right. Fuck gender roles and sexuality stereotypes. Just be you. And when the time is right the right label will fall into place.

And if you realize down the line that you're actually something else that's fine too. You're not "changing" labels (something I find a lot of people with micro labels like to encourage which has a lot of negative history and homophobia behind it). You're just figuring out what you were all along, that you just didn't realize yet. That's fine. That's valid. It's a normal experience honestly.

I have in the past and continue to acknowledge gray areas. Especially when it comes to transgender and intersex individuals that blur the lines of things. It's part of why keeping things broad and open minded is so important.

Hope that helps. And I hope you don't force yourself to do anything. Just be you. It's fine. There's actual systemic issues I'd rather focus on then policing people (sharing my thoughts on my own blog is not policing fyi. I do not go onto others posts/tell people irl that I know better than them about who they are). Either way tho, I hope you're able to feel more comfortable as yourself. It sucks when you don't feel connected to your body. Good luck <3.

[bonesandthebees]

BEE IM SO EXCITED LETS GO OKAY GLASS FIRST WOOO THIS IS ALSO GREAT BECAUSE IM GETTING MY HAIR DONE RN AND NEEDED SOMETHING TO DO

ahhh thats the palace hes there in there in that yep

he might as well be dead i mean the pythia that he once knew is dead

flashback wooooo

your descriptions are alwasy SOOOOO

GOOD LIKE IDK THEY JUST AHHHHH

omg theyre at nikis right probably

“my pythia” why dont you go crawl up you own a— anyways. this is a pg zone (i just dont curse)

i want to slap him around a bit, just a tiny bit just like hang him from the ceiling and wack him like he’s a piñata at a five year olds birthday

THEY ARE AT NIKIS

TATTOO

HES DOING IT ISIRJSF ANDOQLFNWIF

tommy is so baby brother

NOTNIN THE PHYSICAL SENSE *spins around very quickly like a tornado*

WHO HE IS OH MY GOD BEE

why is schlatt

i think schlatt would look nice with a black eue it would bring out how much kf a d— anyqays

TAKE THAT SCHLATT

i need more people to draw this tattoo because every singly one is so ahhhhh like i have no clue how this is supposed to look bjt every design peiple make makes sense and i need more im so curious to see how people see

i love the way wilbur thinks i want to take his brain and poke around in it like its so intriguing

also like idk as a person feeling your pulse is always so… intimate? i do it a lot, like just feeling my pulse reminding myself that im human, we all have a pulse. idk its comforting in a way just feeling the way the blood pumps through your body regardless of the world, that youre alive no matter what as long as that blood keeps pumping. like even when everything feels out of place, youre still human.

sorry anyways

anywho thats why hes fiddling with the cuff then hes nervous aboht them seeing

UGH HES SO ANNOYING I WANT TO CHUCK HIM ONTO LIKE I-5 OR SOMETHING

im gonna send a prayer your way schlatt.

GO WILBUR GO

god hes so idk his brain man and the way you write and god i love this fic so much

WHY DOESNT IT FEEL LIKE MINE AHEOHEIFJWO SO WOROWKK OK DA P WAS HEQID

im cool and chill

the vessel.

yep.

cool.

thats cool.

HES WILBUR

i just like god this fic man

ah yes tommys tattoo

just saying on… july 28th i said it was from wilburs murder attempt!! im so smart sometimes

HE DOENST WANT TO BE EMPTY AGAIN WHAT RHE FUEFUVJ

anyways im so normal aboht this fic

oh me too wil lets fist bump over our shared fear of failure and disappointment

me when he realizes that they werent empty he jsut didnt know they were allowed to not be empty

THEYRW FMAKILTLY OU YK EGOD THEY MEHM

BROTHERISHD OH MY GODHD I LOVE RJEM

BOOM AH

GUNSHOTS AH

HIS UBER DRIVER IS HERE YAY!!!!

TOMMY!!!!!!

HIS HROTHERUWIDHS IM NEVER GOING TO HE OKAY WHEN THEY SAY THAT

i loveddddd the way you formatted it it was super neat and idk im just a sucker for interesting formats of swifching between past and present and like idk yeah it was cool

AND NOW OFF TO READ THE ROYALTY AU!!!

- 🪿

hi goose this is a few days old now but finally getting around to answering this!

aaa thank you I'm so glad you like my descriptions :D it was definitely a bit tough getting back into the glass writing groove with the style I use for the descriptions and stuff so I'm glad it turned out ok

"my pythia" made my skin crawl to write

YEAHHH TATTOO TIME. every single time I see fanart of the tattoo I freak out (/pos) so much because all the interpretations are SO cool. I love seeing what people come up with because I myself have no artistic ability, I can only describe what's in my head through words, so when people are able to actually put that into art form it just makes me so happy

yes exactly that's why I wanted it on his pulse!! I wanted it to sit right over the reminder that he's human! that he has blood pumping through his veins! everyone has that blood and that heartbeat and I wanted the tattoo to sit right above that both because of the connection to his heartbeat, but also because it's the place other people can feel your pulse. it's the connection point almost between your pulse and others, if that makes sense.

(random fun fact, I can't feel my own pulse on my wrist. doctors and nurses can't get a pulse from my wrist either. like there have been many times I've gone to the doctor and the nurse has tried to take my pulse and they frown and readjust their hand and then they try the other wrist and no matter what it doesn't work and I'm just sitting there. the only place you can get a pulse off of me besides straight up feeling my heartbeat is on my carotid artery on my throat)

aa thank you I had a lot of fun describing wilbur's thought processes in this chapter, especially with the alternating format

you were RIGHT about the vine tattoo you got it and it was so funny I had to just not say shit but i was like yup, several people have already figured it out :)

HIS UBER DRIVER IS HEREEEEE

aaa I'm so glad you enjoyed!! I had so much fun with the format of this chapter. I plotted it out a bit before my trip, and I specifically wanted to finish ch 25 before my trip because I knew ch 26 was going to be the one I'd most want to write after I got back. I needed a REALLY good exciting chapter to come back to and the alternating format was going to be the way I sucked myself back into the story after being out of that headspace for 3 weeks straight, and it worked. it was just so cinematic in my head y'know? I can perfectly picture the flipping between past and present with like different color grading and lighting and music and all that

[schizopositivity]

Hey again, this is the anon who sent in an ask about feeling like people think I'm lying. Thanks so much for your kind answer and for letting me feel less alone. The feeling actually calmed down for a bit in regards to my friend, but now it's back (not because of my friend, but because of a new friend of hers who's started hanging out with us and who gets me really annoyed by his attitude towards me).

Now that the feeling is back, it's worse than before because her new friend actually DOES think I'm lying (I told her he gave off that vibe and she confirmed that he is "suspicious" about some things I say). I'll say things and he'll sarcastically respond with "Yeah, right" or it just seems like he wants to "challenge" every single thing I say (recent example - I was explaining something that happened in my neighborhood, and he started to say things like "Why would you say that people do that?" and "No, that doesn't happen."). Ummm. In his case, since he's not really my friend, just my friend's friend, and this has already happened a lot of times before, I'm thinking of just avoiding situations where he's around, but that also means losing time with my friend, since now he's always with her…

Sorry for sending in another ramble but this is really the only place where I feel validated about this problem. And I just don't know how to "change" my brain. I feel like other people can brush off accusations of lying (and I realize a lot of what I was experiencing before probably wasn't my friend actually thinking I was lying, but just my brain taking it that way due to not liking her questions). But now that we're hanging out with someone who really DOES think I'm lying (and had my friend confirm it, so it's not ALL in my head) it's really ruining my mood. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything, I get really upset, I start worrying that my friend thinks I'm lying again as well, and I have to provide "evidence" for her (like sending her videos or articles explaining the subjects I mentioned as proof so she won't think it's just stuff I'm pulling out of nowhere and that I'm always lying to everyone). It's to the point where I couldn't sleep last night and it actually has me feeling sick. Would it maybe be a good idea to just... kinda avoid my friend for a while? Maybe I need to take a break from socializing with others in general? Or do I maybe have to change the topics I talk about with people (like talking less about myself and my personal experiences so that if I DO get the feeling that someone thinks I'm lying, I don't take it as personally)? Thanks again.

i think its appropraite to set boundries with your friend and explain how you dont feel comfortable hanging out with her friend. thats not a friendship you really signed up for and youre allowed to not hang out with people you dont like hanging out with. hopefully your friend will understand and make time to hang out with just you and not her friend. i dont think you should avoid everyone all together, thats not great for your mental health. i also dont think you should limit what you say or how you express yourself unless its causing harm to someone else.

ive had similar situations to this in my teen years where my friend would get another friend and we would all hang out despite me not liking the other person. and at the time i didnt feel confident enough to set boundries and i wasted so many hours with random people feeling shitty.

i wish you luck in surrounding yourself with people who will understand you. i have many personal stories that seem unreal to people who have never experienced them and arent open minded. but im lucky enough to now have a support group of people who do believe me and are open minded and im very thankful for that.

[weebsinstash]

Stay strong love ❣️

Thanks everyone 🥺 this whole thing was hella depressing and then I, you know, tell my mom how incredibly shitty her reaction was, basically victim blaming me when it didn't even apply, and she's gone and used that as an excuse to go to bed early when she knows she's my only transportation to this job which, I knew this was going to be a problem the second I found out this job isn't even bus accessible. Did I ever tell you guys that. That she kept badgering me to let her apply to jobs for me and I let her do it so she would just fucking leave me alone and she wound up applying to the wrong kind of job at the wrong location and later justified it as "well what if it was gone later?" Because in her idiot fucking brain the completely wrong thing you dont even want that's just going to stress you out more is OBVIOUSLY better than nothing at all/something you actually want. And she keeps saying "but we talked about this" when the greatest extent of those "talks" were me going "uh huh, yeah, sure, whatever" because she would be bringing this up almost every fucking single time she and I were in the same room

Remember kids, if someone personally wrongs you and blames you for something that isn't even your fault, you calling them out and being "too mean about it" OBVIOUSLY gives that person the right to ignore you and not have to apologize and never have to acknowledge how fucking manipulative and shitty they are!

This sort of fucking subtle "retaliation" has been happening my entire life. Even when she "helps" I am left with disappointment and anger and I'm never allowed to speak of it. My brand new job is a fucking seasonal position because she decided that was better than, I dunno, trying to contact the store and see if there was a reason certain normal positions weren't posted online, or call and see if we could apply in person, nope she just applied for a completely temporary fucking job where they may quite literally kick me out the door once a certain amount of time is up. Why the fuck wouldn't she wait to apply me to an actual permanant position. Why would she think that forcing her extremely critically depressed daughter into the wrong fucking job where all my efforts could completely go to waste and I could eventually be unemployed again through no fault of my own was a good idea.

But I mean. I'm not a good person either. I will very casually talk about killing myself all the time where she has become completely desensitized to it. The other day I became extremely emotional and started talking about how I needed to rehome my pets before I die and she's just like "no I can take care of your pets for you" which 1 not the point and 2 like BITCH YOU THINK I TRUST YOU? 🤣 I would literally kill them myself before I left them all alone under her incompetent ass

Anyways I have an overnight shift in an hour and I get to go wake her up and argue with her ass because I don't have enough money in my bank account to take a lyft 🥺 and its also like, taking a lyft this late at night on a Saturday would probably be extremely expensive. I feel so trapped with this woman

It's fucked up but. I knew that. Deep down. Part of the reason I kept talking to that guy. Was because. Part of me was hoping he was dangerous or something and that maybe I would be killed or harmed or something. And then I wouldn't have to deal with stuff like this anymore and hurting all the time

[protobrieile]

ok i kind went ham on this way more than i was expecting to so um. page break LOL

⬇️wrote all this first, then the above lines afterward

more vagueposting in the same vein but

wow. i dont have the words for how i am feeling and continuing to feel and i keep trying to pretend that it's something like "im losing my mind" but in fact i have literally never felt more sane about this. i have never felt so aware and understanding and like it all makes perfect sense as i do now. i have never been so able to reflect on overcoming a fear that lasted so long but i barely even registered it as such until recently. every time i have tested the waters up until this point i was immediately dealt a strong urge to completely abandon ship and immerse myself in something that i could guarantee not to remind me of it but now all of a sudden even when i expected that to happen it didn't. and then i tried it again two nights later still expecting to wake up in the morning wanting nothing to do with it and i didn't. and again today and i just think that maybe it is actually for real. maybe i actually genuinely might have possibly truly overcome my fear of falling back in and losing myself again which had been gripping me for an entire year without me even truly realizing it. and not only is that part of it weird to recognize but also it is actually entirely unfamiliar to me because i also no longer fear what i dont know. things ended up the way they did last year in part because i was so afraid of not knowing things for sure and i ultimately let that fear take over and by the time i even barely started to realize how much i had lost my sense of self i had already caused so much pain that i couldnt see because i could only focus on my own pain caused by my fears. because prior to that point i could only ever appease the parts of myself that were still insecure by not allowing myself to believe what was actually true all along. i spent years forcing myself to not even consider it and it's not that i regret because past is past and things had to go in the way that they did for reasons i may not be able to directly comprehend and they still do so but it's not about Knowing Why. it's about accepting what you know to be true and trusting in that truth and moving forward with it. i couldnt have ever possibly been healthy about this until i stopped asking Why and always waiting for something outside of myself to determine what the truth was. i had to learn to find my own answers through observation and to trust myself enough to believe that what i was seeing and the sense i was making was valid and real and Enough. and even now that i can do so i still can say there's so much i dont know and so many things that i dont know enough about to explain or define or extrapolate from but the difference is that it doesnt bother me anymore. it doesnt bother me that i dont know what any given person is thinking of me or that i dont have a concrete plan of what my life will look like. and it doesnt bother me that i dont know every single possible factor that is making it so that i can listen to my favorite band again without an immediately following adverse reaction for the first time in a year at surface and honestly the whole fucking time to be completely fucking real with you. it doesnt bother me that my entire belief system revolves around unanswerable questions and imperceivable reasoning because i trust myself. i trust in the fact that i am not and will never be in complete control of everything that makes up the concept of Myself and it doesn't bother me at all because it simply just means i have nothing to worry about. i don't have to be anxious and i don't have to be afraid of the unknown because i know that it's unknown for a reason. and that reason isnt mine to define nor is it anyone elses responsibility to do so. and even though the idea of all this isnt anything new to me, until now i would still not be able to help myself from thinking of the If Only. if only i could somehow make other people see what i see. if only other people knew what i had learned and could see things the way i see them then they wouldn't have to be anxious or afraid anymore either. but that just simply is not

something i can do. that is not something i am meant to do. if it were that easy we'd all be helping each other out in that way but it's not and there is nothing for us as individuals to do other that acknowledge that truth as such and work around it. and god ive always known that this isnt really about the band and it really isnt about him and if i go the entire rest of my life without us ever having another conversation well i would be just fine. i would still do what makes me happy and fulfilled and i would still enjoy my life and it wouldnt bother me because id still be trusting in myself and id know that thats what is meant for me. it's just the thing about it is ive known that for over a year now and ive understood that to be a potential outcome but i just dont think i can say "and ive accepted it as a possible truth" because that just isn't how the truth works. there isnt a "possible" truth, there is simply the truth. there is one string connecting through every single moment of time that can only be described as "this is how it happened" and that is what the truth is. and we as humans don't get to identify the truth until it has passed, yet we spend so much time coming up with possibilities and preparing ourselves for 1000 different outcomes of which we think the truth might look like and all 1000 of them are inaccurate because we just aren't capable of doing that kind of thing. and i could say what i said before to someone and it would be a fairly normal thing to say to anyone because we all make these kinds of claims but when you believe wholeheartedly that you arent in control of the truth it just feels like a sad excuse for a defense mechanism. "oh i'll just say it like this so he can see that im open and accepting of the future regardless of how it turns out" like sorry not sorry but that kind of thinking is what made me fall into a hole in the first place. not only was i focusing on someone else OVER myself but also. I DONT GET TO CONTROL WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS!!! And once again!!! You dont need to feel bad or anxious about what other people think of you. You have to acknowledge the truth - that you can't control them - and WORK!!! WITH!!!! IT!!!!!!!

and at this point the only truth i know is this. This band was put into my life for a reason. That man was dropped in front of me. ok more like i was dropped in front of him but whatever who cares semantics. To impact my life in such a way that facilitated all the growth that got me to this point. It doesnt matter "whether it would have happened if i hadnt met him" because there is only one way things happened. There is only one string of truth threading all of these moments together. I dont need to justify my adherence to the truth with "Even if x thing happens" because literally who cares none of us can do anything about that and pretending that we are somehow capable of completely controlling things is literally the root of all conflict in this world. And there are still plenty of things i dont know. Even about this situation. Even about myself. and there are a lot of things i will never know. but i know what my favorite band is. and I know that for the first time in my entire life i can listen to them and be healthy at the same time. so that's wild

[forestryfae]

also they have like, when youre good enough at cleaninga nd keeping stuff clean and tidy and you have a good enough routine and you dont really need help with it anymore, you might be able to move into one of the apartments they have here at inpatient. and i rly hope im able to get into one soon ngl

problem is tho, i am not that good at keeping things clean and tidy. wish i was but i have to force myself to do it and that rarely starts to happen until it actually gets really really bad. last minute cleaning zoomies kind of fucked up arrangement in my brain i guess??? and on top of thta i completely fell out of my routine in like early november/december when i started having to plan to go home even tho i fucking hate that place. and then i got back an i got no fucking follow up or anything until i hadnt been to work in a month. like yeah maybe thats. maybe thats because i needed antidepressants and i didnt get to talk to a psychologist or anything when i got here cus they dont have one. and i didnt get any followups beyond "go to work" and i had no coping mechanisms or help to find any

like thats the worst part about this place. they take zero accountability for their own fuckups cus "you have to be responsible" like fuck off? do your fucking job so we dont have to be on your asses to get you to do One Single Thing

and they just dont actually undertsand that sometimes people struggle cus they grew up neglected and fucking terrified all the time. i very much would love to be able to not worry 24/7 about being normal enougha nd existing correctly but i am, again, unmedicated, have no therapy, was taught im not allowed to have emotions or im stupid as shit, i was yelled at for the tiniest fucking thing cus both of my parents are fucking insane, and i straight up did not grow up with any kind of like. they didnt teach me shit. showing your kid how to turn on a dishwasher or washingmachine is not the same as teaching your kid shit

mom took over EVERYTHING. i got my first apartment cus she wanted me out of the house so she got me one. i never had a choice in learning to drive cus she just signed me up for drivers lessons without telling me until after shed spent the money. she arranged to meet with a realtor without me and i didnt actually get much say in what house to buy if im being honest. i got to look at them, yeah, but i still needed her permission to buy them and she wouldnt let me look at any she didnt like or didnt think i should live in. shes been in charge of the renovation the whole time without talking to me, and just. bought stuff whenever with my money without consulting me. didnt bring me along for the stuff i did want to look at myself either, they just bought me stuff and that was that. why should i be involved in my own life after all

and thats what im grown up with. insults and yellinga nd screaming and being talked down to and degraded and mocked and bullied, zero fucking support, everything i do is supposed to be automated and they shouldnt have to act like parents at all, i should just know things. no teaching me shit, no actual good follow ups, not being involved in anything revolving myself. school was fucking horrible and i was not in any way helped or protected from that, they let me think it was my own fault i was being bullied and treated me the same fucking way the teachers and bullies did, there was pretty much no sympathy for that and they never fucking talke dto me about that, any mental illnesses are completely free for all to be mocked and ridiculed if they feel like it, and im lazy for being burnt out and crying literally every day for hours, no support, just. absolutely fucking horrible. i grew up with that. thats shit i didnt know wasnt normal. i didnt know none of that is how normal people treat eachother. i still feel like a fucking idiot whenever i set a basic boundary. there are foods i stay away from or hide from others that i eat because i used to get yelled at and shamed for eating them, im fucking scared to discuss stuff i want or want to do or think would be fun to try cus im worried ill be talked out of it or ridiculed, im constantly worried people fucking hate my guts or im about to be treated like dogshit for existing in a way i didnt know was wrong. like. i have to do my own fucking psychology lessons with myself cus i dont get help anywhere and i dont get help thats meaningful from anywhere. im so focused on Doing Things Right that i need to get a good grade in therapy. literally what the fuck

anyways i wish they had better ways to help people than just. do laundry go for a walk go to work socialize.

what if you hate yourself for doing laundry. or not doing it. or youre worried youll do it wrong. what if going for a walk fucking sucks because youre not supposed to have fun unless you have a good reason to do so, or youre scared youre not allowed to exist in the outside world and youll get yelled at for going for a walk, or you think people will be able to tell you dont know where youre going so theyll think youre a fuckking idiot. what if you cant socialize because you dont actually know how and noone ever taught you or treated you like you were important so you never learned. like. this is the kind of shit i still need help with. going to work is only gonna help so much. i still need help with the rest of. existing as a normal person.

but yeah anyways i think its dumb that they have in total 11 rooms with a bathroom, 1 room with a bathroom and kitchen, 2 small apartments, one cottage, two houses, and another large apartment. but we cant use the houses or the apartment because one house isnt technically liveable somehow?? under renovation ig? the other house had a pipe burst so now when you do laundry tehre your clothes smell like sewage afterwards, and the third apartment is being used by students like twice a year so noone can use it. its fucking dumb. give me the apartment for students. ill live with the students. i dont care. i just wanna make dinner on my own.

[joankellyforever]

Demons,

They knew me before I knew them

Asmodeus,

I didnt know he was my jealous best friend!

Killed off all my lovers

just to watch me make love to myself

Crowned The King of lust

Turns intimacy into redrum every time he makes guns bust

Into me I will let you see endurance is for the less of us

He want you to fall in lust with the act

not the soul you tie to when you interact

And what is greed without money?

And who in Satans kingdom ARE YOU IF YOU AINT GOT ANY?

You see, I am poor cause my thoughts aint even worth a penny!

But you mother lovers owe me at least a dollar

For all the times I had to get bent over by a blue collar

I knew Tom, Nick & Harry before my own father

Cause 9 is the highest number and zero is a portal

So does staying low really make you immortal?

I heard if you wanted to tell time you should look at turtles

As I take cheap flights over your head into my cell

No matter where I go these places will always ring a bell

I remember cheap hotels

like a i remember soliders buying fake love to get out of hell!

It's only a crime if someone tells!

And even if you do!

WHO IN SATANS KINGDOM IS GONNA BELIEVE A POOR OLD GIRL LIKE YOU?

Besides, You dont even have time to stop and snitch

And karmas a bitch

you should play her role?

Rob these pimps and try not to fall in the rabbit hole

That happens when you stop judging girls who sell their souls

You start to see the spiritual goal

33, I learned to master me

when I learned they tryna master the sheep

The Goats tryna master the sleep

What if Gods son was never named Jesus?

What if they been just tryna predict us?

Like some under world order to replace us

They live in fear with the need of never ending surveillance

So I tell them agents, You better bug a boo me in advance

Like a double sided mirror

To help big brother see more clearer

They poured rats into the city

but dont think its gonna be me

I aint with the rat racing

Money chasing

Airplane Lacing

Water spacing

Chip tracing

reset that this world is facing

If they rewrite history then all we have is our memories

And if they tell us trauma produces two E's in febreeze

Then is the one who is in control allowed to call me crazy?

I thought crazy was believing in both space and heaven

But then there is perfection

and accountability and thats the number seven

We are at end of the 6k in world prison

and we lock up children to build better fate

did you know child marriage is legal in 42 states

So what kind of future do we face

If we are allowing Satanic rulers to dictate our faith??

I mean its NYC for Gods sake

its 15$ an eighth

That right there should be illegal

But then again Papa Pharma is real Lethal

and never the less anything is better than picking up a needle

Or smoking rocks

The streets dont love nobody and you can hear that from every corner and block

Nobody really wanna do what they gotta do to survive

Some people really just get tired of asking God why

So the soul cries as the flesh dies

Imagine living such a life

that you cheated life

I mean by then only to God can you be a wife

Cant love youre own kind cause youre enemy to your own mind

But I heard the Messiah might have had dreads

So I might as well just live as if i'm already dead

cause if they can do it to him

They can do it to anybody

Life is like Monopoly

A single person playing a double minded game

You might wanna ask Cern why nothing is the same

Learn Hebrew and dont say I never tried to warn you!