#i dont know if im overreacting but we always agreed on everything

[tiredinwinter]

I am so upset that all my friends have started vaping

[stfulia]

Hi chat

Hi, wtf tho?.

I met this friend (P) last year and i quickly started to trust him, which is weird cause of my trust issues. The reason i felt so confy was because he did NOT know the people i was talking about. (pd: i dont talk shit about them, just overthink about the way i feel about them). So basically the first thing i talked about when i started being friends with him was that friends becoming friends with my friends lowkey made me feel bad, cause many times before, had happened to me that they become BETTER friends between each other and i was left out. He said he agreed and that he feels the same. I dont really care about them just being friends, i just dont want them to "replace" me or make me feel left out by my OWN friends. (ig thats understandable)

So i have this other online friend (OF-online friend cause why not) who i know for like 4 years now. I appreciate a lot my online friends cause ive always trusted them in order to talk about feelings, i guess because i dont feel it THAT much real as it would feel if i vented irl. I like to gatekeep my onine friends because i have some bad trust issues thinking they could tell whatever im talking about to someone else. I know im a bit paranoid but i literally cant help it, i need that kind of TRUST in order to feel confortable around you.

Then, few months ago, i dont really know how, but OF sent a friend request on instagram AND bereal to P, cause when i really love my friends, i talk about them with others and they knew each other because of that. Firstly i asked P to not accept it, cause he KNEW that annoyed me a bit. Well, he did, and also said "yeah but i dont talk with her" and i was like "okay, youre right". Then they started to react to each others bereals and they NEVER react to mine, which made me feel a bit weird ngl. But then ONE DAY i just know they started talking by photos via instagram. And they talked about their personal stuff, THINGS THAT THEY DONT TALK WITH ME, LIKE???.

Okay, so when they started talking i acted like i didnt care, cause i decided to trust them and i liked them to get along very well. But one day, OF asked me if P was flirting with her, which was like 💀💀💀. Ofc i asked him (p) and he said he was just joking and that she wasnt even his type, which i actually do believe. But since OF saw that i was lowkey jealous of them being that """flirty""" she jokes about having a crush on him and dating him or sexual stuff that i dont even want to talk about. Ofc i took everything as a joke, cause it was JUST a joke, right?.

Time passed and when i met with P irl, cause we often do, he is constantly taking pictures about everything to reply to OF. And i admit that it makes me jealous, he is very friendly with me, he is VERY affectionate* and i lowkey just wanna fell special ig. I guess im just overreacting but i cant help but feeling this way. So, the thing is, lately, he has been acting distant with me. Yes ofc he has more things to do than me, but yk, i always start the conversation, and it feels like whenever i text him, he is just distracted, i doesnt feel like him anymore. YES, THERES THE CHANCE HES BEEN FEELING BAD FOR ANY REASON BUT IF HE DOESNT EVEN TELL ME, HOW CAN I KNOW???.

*P is just like a best friend to me. I am very very closed to people, i struggle receiving any type of affection, but with him, for some reason, i like to receive hugs, very long hugs. A long hug while watching a movie, if you get me.

So this afternoon, P texted me first (i was even excited) and asked me to play roblox this night. And i was genuinely HAPPY cause i just wanted to spend time with him. Then OF texts me saying that we were gonna play roblox but with her (OF) and another loved online friend of mine(OF2). So what i could only think about was that he has been dry to me while he was planning playing roblox with them💀. YES, I KNOW they ALL invited me, but the starting point was NOT TALKING TO MY ONLINE FRIENDS, and i have tolerated TOO MUCH with OF, i cant tolerate it nomore with OF2. SO, i told P that i dont really feel like it because i dont like them being friends with each other. AND THEN P TOLD OF THAT HE COULDNT PLAY CAUSE OF ME. AND THAT MADE ME SO MAD. CAUSE WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL HER THAT?? IT WASNT NECESSARY. I know its the truth, but sometimes, truth just needs to sit in silence between those who know it.

AND, what did you do? Call me inmature, call me jealous, call me toxic, call me avoidant, IDC. I just need to push away them, push away EVERYONE, so i lowkey ghosted them. I TOLD THEM THAT I NEEDED SPACE AND TIME TO PROCESS WHATEVER IM FEELING AND I MADE MYSELF CLEAR THAT THEY CAN BE FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER IF THEY WANT TO, JUST KNOW I WONT LIKE IT. But i feel like they didnt get it cause their response is rude and mean. I mean, i dont expect them to talk to me like a princess, but who is annoyed here is I, me, myself, not you wtf?.

SO YEAH, THATS PRETTY MUCH WHAT HAPPENED AND WHAT I THINK OF. I just wanted to vent cause now i lowkey cant (my closest friends are them and now i cant tell anyone my feelings), and if you have something to say ill ofc be super happy to read it.

SORRY IF THERE WAS A MISTAKE OR SMTH, ENGLISH IS NOT MY FRIST LANGUAGE, and sorry for the HUGE text.

Thanks chat.

[outsidereveries]

thank you so much for replying to my ramble and i agree with your response its almost like too much, less should always be more but groups have nearly 30 something memebrs in them or they have ine cool idea and then suddenly every other group is doing it. kpop sometimes just make me want to dig my own grave it really does take the fun out of something light and make it more toxic but theres not much else for someone my age to be a fan of without having to deal with bs basically. then theres always going to be folk who either need to overreact to things that arent an issue or

i feel bad for any newer younger idol, as they going to have to grow up on a smartphone basically subjecting themselves to online scrutiny bc groups cant exist without internet trends sadly. i think groups could still be successful without it and it would be more refreshing as well instead nothing really new anymore cause i seen a group do xyz thing some time ago or im supposed to be surprised at every bit of dating "scandal" there is.

i tend to prefer groups that i either dont care deeply about or groups that have fewer members in them so i dont need to know all their perosnal details nor do i check their social medias 24/7 cause i hate those platforms, i really do think idols would have more respite if smartphones had never been invented. like have smartphones but just for text and calls thats all i would personally need them for. yet it seem to have become a whole other thing where its so overwhelming what we have to be entertained by and yet a tthe same time it is short entertainment like in the form of reels or tiktoks

maybe am just a boomer stuck in a millenails body rofl like kids do whattever they want for online attention and its just quite sad really that idols cant even do vlives without being harassed by sasaengs calling them or ppl following them everywhere they go bc now everyone know which idols doing what and where

the main issue is related to every electronic device which irradiates us, even including smartphones. the irradiation in basically why out mind is like that and i am including the younger idols in this case. okay, there are other reasons for anyone's actions like how we are raised, our environment, but the irradiation basically influenced the newer generations (millenials to an extent, mine, z, alpha and eventually the future ones - beta, gamma..), it shrink our mind in a way or another, it restricts everything! it makes us to think for such little things that in k-pop makes it a scandal!! this includes everything you said and i agree with you, i just tried to dive from another look

we're like old people in the case we don't care in the industries we've been interested in before, that's it🥲

[star-mum]

Kinda Crazy to be not in the wrong ig (friends can be fun to hang with AND be terrible to you)

Actually shared with my sister what happened and when she said "I have a controversial opinion" I thought she'd say I was overreacting and not that I "should've stopped talking to that girl ages ago" huh maybe it's not a silly reason to be upset after all

like hey remember that time she invited me over to her house and not 2 hours later asked me to leave cause she had to go out with other friends

or when she said she "had" to go somewhere when we set up to call/watch smth together and then let slip in class to our other friend that she went to play volleyball with those same friends from the other time

or when I shared with her I had tried an at home workout and the warm up was very difficult and she shared that to our (male) friend in a jabbing tone (making even him a bit uncomfortable, to the point where he tried to softly defend me)

OR !!! when she insisted I went to a coffee shop with her and her boyfriend and went quiet and got an attitude in the middle of the outing (even when we kept trying to engage her in the conversation)

OR in that same outing when she shared a video of the move we tried at muay thai that week and laughed to her bf about how I barely got it done, even though when we were at the gym I was self conscious about it and she reassured me that it was an advanced move and I was doing very good for a beginner because me getting along with her boyfriend "made her jealous" (girl i don't want you bf) (i don't even know how YOU want him) (im here cause you asked me to and im making an effort to be nice)

OR when even tho we had made plans to go see a movie together on the weekend, she said yes to an invite to go to a bar on the same day and overall time of the movie IN FRONT OF ME

OR !! when we made plans to watch Spider Verse together and she texted me before we could go and said her bf "bought different tickets" without her seeing and so they saw ATSV instead

OR when her boyfriend was very rude to me for no reason in front of our entire class and SHE came to me later to apologize FOR HIM cause "he lashed out cause he's going through a lot"

OR when I was crying (which I don't really do often, specially not in public) one that same day and she felt conflicted in staying with (when I ALWAYS make sure she's okay on the hundreds of times she left class or called me crying) or staying with her bf who was "a little bit upset" (he had to tell her to go talk to me)

or when she does something that bothers or annoys me and I communicate it to her (like we agreed we'd do, so neither of us get that uneasy anxious feeling) and she says stuff like "you dont hate me now right?" or "im sorry im such an awful friend" or "I'll understand if you dont wanna be my friend anymore" making me compartmentalize my own bad feelings to reassure her (even tho she's in the wrong)

OR !! For completely disregarding the plans we made to watch this show (that i was very excited to see your reactions to) together, only to watch almost half of it with ur boyfriend literally the night before AND keep me waiting all day for a reply the next day, only to be very nonchalant about the mean thing you did

OR !! always making me bend over backwards to fit into her "busy schedule" but not making the effort of CREATING time for me in her schedule

I'm gonna be enjoying the end of this lovely Carnaval week (god bless national holidays) with a clean conscience and will be amicable when returning to class on monday (at best)

is so weird to actually get older sister advice cause i have a "old wise character" syndrome where I think I know everything (I failed to do what past me did at 16 without even flinching) (it'll be weird to cut this person out of my life) (but I will not stay where I'm clearly not wanted) (well... maybe wanted but not treated with care and love)

[saltwatersweetner]

My Strange Addiction

Eren x Reader

You and Eren are never on the same page but what you both can agree on isn’t for the faint of heart

CW: Threats/acts of violence, verbal abuse, mild degradation, praise kink, mild voyarism

You were shaking.

You weren’t exactly sure what it was from. Was it anger? Shock? It didn’t matter because either way it was quickly leading to irritation and something...darker.

You didn’t mean to be like this. So short tempered and volatile. To your credit you weren’t always like this either but when it came to him it was like a switch was flipped.

He was everything.

The sun the moon the air in your lungs the pavement under your shoes. He was every extraordinary and devastating thing the universe had to offer. He leant so much to you—And he knew this—so who was she?

He knew you were here—had seen you enter the party. You knew the weight of his eyes on you like you knew the curves and edges of your own palms.

It wasn’t Mikasa, or anyone you knew he was friends with. Her intentions were clearly less than friendly, her hands playing in his hair and a dopey smile on her mouth. You watch them for a bit—undecided if you were gonna interrupt or not when green clashes with (e/c). It all clicked in your mind at that moment.

You stop shaking.

He wanted you to make a scene.

Straightening your body you lean against the wall behind you with a smirk. You weren’t moving an inch until he came to you. You thought he learned to stop trying to test you at this point but apparently he needed more training.

When your eyes clash again you let your carefully crafted public mask slip down—only slightly—giving him a much needed view of the madness swimming inside you. He was on thin ice and that seemed to give him a much needed reality check because he walks towards you immediately.

It was almost funny to watch a 6 foot tall man almost shrink in on himself as he kept his eyes locked fiercely to the ground. Sipping the rest of the cheap alcohol down you raise your brows at him “What?”

“Im ready to go home please.” The voice he was using was soft, unlike his natural loud speaking voice, he was trying to bide his time by appealing to your more forgiving nature.

Too bad he already crossed the line.

You hum “Oh you’re ready to go home?”

Erens nod is just as soft as his voice. He was playing the role of a good boy rather well and you almost wanted to give him mercy—but, he wouldn’t learn if you did that.

Reaching out you force his chin up so you’d make eye contact. A shiver runs down his spine once he realized the hidden promises of violence dancing in them “Thats not how you ask.”

You watch his adams apple bob up and down as he forces himself to not shake “Can I go home please?”

You don’t answer verbally simply grabbing his wrist and pulling him through the sea of people. You don’t say a word to him until you’re in your car speeding down the desolate roads

“Are you fucking stupid?” Your voice is like a bullet.

The silence had slowly been killing him if the way he’d been fidgeting in his seat were anything to go by.

“And you were being so fucking good lately, only to fuck it up like you always do.”

“Im still good.” He sounds almost offended with the implications of him no longer being good.

Eren liked being good it got him things but being bad—pissing you off to the point of no return? Got him more.

“You’re a useless fucking brat.”

You glance over to see him pouting, a conflicted look on his face. He wasn’t sure what he wanted you to say exactly. You would prefer his need to seek praise and affection would win out on his need to be a brat but of course Eren never took the painless route ever.

“I don’t see the big deal we didn’t even do anything you’re just overreacting.”

Overreacting?

The thin cord that was holding the darkness back snaps.

Slamming your foot on the break you move the car into park and turn to face Eren very slowly. His hands we’re braced on the dash having not expected you to hit the breaks in such a manner. Before he could react you had the front of his shirt clutched tight in your hand pulling him inches from your face.

You weren’t sure what look you had on your face but it had him squirming in your grasp “I will slaughter her and make you watch do you want to test me tonight Eren?”

His pupils were blown wide and he was breathing like he just ran a marathon. And still that stupid smile was on his lips.

“Do it.”

You almost can’t help but backhand him. The gasp he lets out is almost erotic and the blissed out look he gives you in turn is truly rewarding.

“Touch me—please?”

You watch blood drip down his mouth, your hit having split his lip. Rubbing the area with your thumb you suddenly press down on it with your nail making him gasp in pain “Hm I don’t think so.”

“M’good I’ll be so good I promise please please.” He was stuck between a state of panic and arousal.

He wanted to be punished so bad he yearned for it but considering his recent behavior that would only fuel him so the best punishment was no punishment at all really. He’d drive himself mad with all the things he thought you’d do and you’d give him nothing in return.

Letting go of his lip you turn back in your seat and push the car back into drive, ignoring the whines of the boy next to you. You needed a moment to think about what you were gonna do about that girl. You couldn’t hurt her—yet. All fingers would immediately point to you and—

Your hand shoots out stopping him from pulling his zipper down. Pressing a finger against his bulge you raise your eyebrows in amusement.

“Oh impatient? Thats not very good Eren I though you said you’re gonna be good?” Sliding your fingers down you gently palm him through his pants.

Eren was shaking his whole body alive from a single touch in the place he wanted it most. Breathing labored he stare at you from beneath his lashes “I am—I promise I can be so good.”

Humming you move your middle and ring fingers in gentle circles barely putting down the pressure he craved “oh really? Show me.”

Eren eagerly ruts against your palm, eager to please, eager to show you just how good he could be and you loved it. You loved when he behaved and did as he was told—he was so pretty and perfect that way. It meant you didn’t have to hurt his pretty little body but you knew him and you knew that when you damaged him—when you bruised his pretty skin, was when he liked you the most.

Eren tips over the edge without ceremony.

He pants like a bitch in heat obviously expecting praise but you offer him none. There was no reward for bad behavior and so you remove your hand.

“I—I was good right?”

Shrugging you turn the radio on letting whatever tired radio host’s voice fill the heavy silence “I dont know Eren, were you?”

“You...you have to tell me I was good.”

Raising your eyebrows you laugh, you know its a cruel sound with the way he sinks in his seat upon not receiving praise “I dont have to do anything...we’ll be home in 10 minutes.”

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

Recording Skills

Tom x Reader

A/N: first imagine ever so this might suck. I got this idea from the office when Jim and Pam first fight. Hope you like this. And thank you for reading. Feedback is always appreciated :)

Y/N’s POV

Currently I am leaving the house to go to Sofia’s Dance recital, sadly Tom can’t go because he has meetings all day and we figured out that I can just record it and show it to him later. As I was driving, I called him to let him know we were on our way. “Hey,” I said. “Hi love, are you guys on the way?” he asked. “Yes, and we are positive we will be great, right Sof?” I said as i looked at her in the mirror. “Yep,” she said with that grin on her face just like her dad. “Okay, so your positive you know how to record and point it directly where she will be?” he asked. “Yes, thomas i am sure i can aim a rectangular object and record it.” I said. “Okay, just making sure, okay well, i have to go I'll see you later, love, bye Sof.” he said as sofia said bye back. “Okay bye.” I said as I was still driving. “See honey you need to hang up the phone,” he said. “Oh sorry” I said hanging up and getting at the local where sofia will be performing.

As we got inside sofia went to her group as i went to find my seat which was in the front so I can record her and see her have fun. As the recital started i hit record and just filmed it, just then i got a call from an agent i've been talking to start my singing career off, I quickly answered to hear what he had to say. “Hey,” I said. “Okay Y/N, the record label loved you, and they loved the music you wrote, and they are wanting to work with you, for your first album.” he said as i was freaking out and parents were telling me to shush. “Omg thanks, oh my gosh, I will call you later.” I said hanging up and recording again.

As the recital finished I quickly called Tom, but it sent me to voicemail and I told him I had news and that I couldn't wait to tell him and that I was just so excited. We then headed home and i got sofia ready for bed, she was a little sad that her dad wasn't going, but she knew he had things to do, which is hard for a 4 year old to understand. As I put her to bed Tom called me back and I answered the phone.

“Hi,” I said. “Hey, how was the recital?” he asked as he sounded tired. “It was good, she had fun.” I said as i sat down. “Thats great love, did you record it?” he asked as i didn't know how to bring it up. Oh boy.. “Yeah uh funny thing i didn't get it..guess my recording skills were bad.” I said trying to break tension. “Y/N, you said you knew how to record it,” he said a little harsh. “Okay tom it’s only a video. I-`` I said as I got cut off. “No, Y/N that moment is just over, it’s happened, and now I can't see it and enjoy it.” he said as I almost started to cry. “Maybe you should've been there.” I said regretting after those words came out of my mouth. “Okay, that’s a little unfair, don't you think,” he said still in a harsh tone. “If you want to talk about whats fair we will, okay, you've been gone for a long time, and you said and you promised sofia you’d be there, hows that for fair,” I said trying not to sound like i'm frustrated. “You know what I can't deal with this okay,” he said as I was holding back the tears. “Okay,” i said gulping. “Talk to you tomorrow?” he said. “...y-yep.” I said hoping he didn't hear the crying. “Okay.” he said as I hung up. I just sat there crying a little and then i saw sofia wake up, “Mommy, why are you crying?” she asked as she sat on my lap. “I'm not crying, i'm just there's something in my eye and it hurts.” I said as she just laid her head on my lap.

A couple days later..

Since I had to go to some meetings with my agent about the contract and everything else i left sofia with her three favorite uncles, and they agreed to it which was a plus. As i was in meetings I was focused and wanted to get things done and get this thing started. I then got a phone call from tom and headed into the hall and answered it.

“Hey, love,” he said gently. “Hi,” I said. “Why is sofia with the twins and paddy?” he asked as I forgot to tell him. “I had some meetings to attend, and I thought I could leave her with them since she hasn't seen them in a while.” I said as there was a slight pause. “Oh meetings for what?” he asked. “Uh, oh right, well you know i want to start singing and well my agent helped me out and got me a job with this record label and right now we are finishing off the contract..” I said hoping he wasn’t gonna get mad again. “Oh, love that’s great, you didn't tell me about that.” he said as i felt bad for not telling him. “Well i was going to tell you, but i just forgot.” I said. “Oh okay well then i'll leave you off to it.” he said with a chuckle. “Okay, bye.” I said as i chuckled as well. “Bye.” he said as he hung up.

I then headed back in and finished everything off. I was then let go and they told me I would get a call for whenever we wanted to plan the recording and writing of the songs. As I headed to Harry’s and Sam’s house. It was so silent. It’s like if they weren't here. I then saw Harry and Sam sitting on the couch. “Hey.” I said as they got up to give me a hug. “Hey, Y/N, Sofia’s just playing with Paddy, we just wanted to talk to you about something sofia said.” harry said. “Yeah okay, what did she say?” I asked as sam went on.. “She said you were crying the night of her recital.” he said which hit me like stones. “Uhh, well-” I said as harry cut me off. “Look we don't want to butt in, but did tom make you cry?” he asked. “Yes, he did, “ I said quietly. “Why?” they both asked. “Well, he got mad that I didn't record Sofia’s recital, and i thought he was going to take it as a joke, but he didn't and I had good news for him about me and well, i don't know.” I said not wanting to bring any more attention to the situation. “What a dick.” harry said. “What was the news?” sam asked as well. “Hey, language. Besides it was stupid, you know..and the good news is that i got a record label to sign me off to start my singing career.” i said as they nodded and had their mouths wide open. “Y/N congrats!” they both said. “Anyway Y/N, he shouldn't have reacted like that, it’s a video, and if he knew you needed help, he should have let us know.” harry said. “Yeah i guess, it’s just he’s been gone for a long time and being able to handle sofia and me is hard, and I feel bad for letting her be here when you guys could have been doing something else rather than being in my drama.” I said. “Dont worry about it, it’s fine, we just want to know if your okay, and it’s not stupid, your’e allowed to cry, or get mad, you dont always have to be happy, and you have to talk to him about it too, not just us. And he needs to understand it was an accident and not your fault.” sam said. “Right.” Another voice said as we all turned around and noticed who it was. Tom. The twins ended up leaving and heading upstairs as they got the cue. “You cried in front of sofia and didn't tell me?” he asked. “I didn't want to stress you out even more.” I said as I tried to add more. “How do the twins know?” He asked after a long pause. “Sofia told them.” I said. “Oh, and the good news, you were gonna tell me that night?” he asked, “Yeah,” i said looking at the ground. “Im so sorry love, i really didn't mean to overreact, it was stupid i know for me to have done that, it was a dumb video, but i just felt left out for missing out on a moment for her,” he said. “It’s okay, i just im happy we talked about it.” I said as I put my head on his shoulder. “Yeah me too, im sorry again and congrats love,” he said hugging me and kissing my forehead. “Daddy!...”

[rainecloud020604]

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

[xiaojusaur]

3:00 am

Drabble game! This one is a request from @grimyslacker ! I hope you like it hun!

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Smut / Hints of Angst

Warnings: Bathtub sex, fingering, oral, unprotected sex

Word Count: 2.3K

Description: You explode after Yoongi arrives home at 3:00AM from work, but not spending much time with him makes you overthink and overreact. As soon as he realizes it, he gives you a night to never forget.

Another night dozing off on the sofa waiting for him yet he wasn’t arriving any soon. You were tired already, of waiting for him, of this, of him. You went to lock the front door, he didn’t deserve to be here.

At this point you started thinking that this wasn’t about work, there had to be something else or specifically someone else.

You don’t know when you fell asleep, you just heard the twisting of the doorknob as someone was trying to open the door.

You looked at the clock, 3:00 am. This had to be Yoongi.

You walked lazily to the door, opening it. Outside stood Yoongi looking annoyed with his hands inside of his jacket pockets. “So now you’re letting me outside? Don’t you see is freezing out here?”. By the way, he was talking you could say he was drinking. Maybe he wasn’t completely drunk but he wasn’t sober. You swallowed your words because being woken up like this and he picking up a fight wasn’t a good combination. You just turned around and walked inside, letting him decide if he wanted to enter or not.

“So you’re not talking to me now?” He said after closing the door behind him. You stood silent, just looking at him.

After taking a deep breath you finally talked, “Do you see what time it is? It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

“I didn’t know I had a curfew now,” he answered sarcastically. “Where were you?” you asked already pissed off. He plopped on the sofa, “I was working. Aren’t you supposed to know that already?”. You scuffed, “Until 3:00 am? What kind of work is that one?”

He was starting to raise his voice now, “The one where I'm required to write and produce and see if I’m satisfied with the work.” You rolled your eyes, not believing a single word. “Oh yeah? With which whore?” You said finally getting off your nerves.

“Hey! Watch your mouth missy!” he said as a warning. “Or what?” you defied. His eyes went dark with anger you almost got scared but you needed to know what was going on. “Tell me the truth Yoongi, are you fucking someone else?”

“I'm gonna wreck that mouth of yours if you keep cursing,” he said trying to make you forget that you were mad. Usually, whenever you fight you’ll end up having makeup sex and things would get fixed, but today you felt it was different. You were dead serious today.

“I'm being serious Yoongi, which whore are you fucking? Cause honestly I don’t believe you’re working until 3:00 am.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm down. “Do you want to call Hoseok or Namjoon? They can tell you if I was working or not.” He offered you his phone.

“No! I don’t want anything from you, I’m fucking tired of you getting late here and not giving me the attention I need. I should leave to my mom’s, I think this isn’t working,” you said while walking to the room to gather your stuff.

He followed you, “Oh so now the princess wants to leave? Fine! Whatever makes you happy. I did tell you it was going to be this way, you agreed to it and now you don’t want it? I can’t understand you. Maybe we do need to take a break cause I can’t deal with more stress here.”

You were expecting this but you also were hoping to never hear it. “Yeah, maybe we should take a break, so you can fuck your whore freely,” you said while shoving clothes in a suitcase. He came like a lightning to you, grabbing you hard by the arm and spinning you to face him. “Ah! You’re hurting me!” You screamed in pain, you were sure the pressure of his fingers were going to leave marks. “Good! Maybe like that you enter into reason,” he said looking at you directly in the eyes.

You tried to get free from his grip but he was too strong. “Look at me Y/N,” he commanded, his voice turning serious. “Please don’t make this harder for me, I have a lot of pressure over my shoulders.”

You suddenly started crying, he could make you so frustrated sometimes. “How am I supposed to feel when you arrive home half-drunk at 3:00 in the morning?! Huh?! Tell me! Wouldn’t you feel the same?” You pushed him but he just stood there trying to control his temper. “Y/N please calm down. I just had a few drinks with the boys WHILE working. Why are you acting like this so suddenly babe?”

The babe made you angrier “BECAUSE YOU DONT LOVE ME! You don’t give me attention, you don’t feed my needs. Heck! You don’t even touch me anymore.” Tears ran down your cheeks while you screamed your feelings.

“Is this because of that? Because I don’t please you like before? Y/N dear, you know I desire you, hell! If I had the energy and the time I would spend all day in bed with you, making love to you.” His hands were cupping your face, his thumbs whipping your tears. He pulled you to a hug and started to caress your hair. “I love you Y/N, I love you so much, why do you have doubts? Why do you do this to yourself? You know it’s hard for me to find people. I found you and you’ve helped me a lot, I’ve become better. So stop it please and don’t go, I won’t stand it if you go.” He kissed your forehead and then took your chin, forcing you to look at him. “Now, I'm free tomorrow, do you wanna do something?” He smirked and you laughed about the sudden change of mood. “There it is! That beautiful smile. Come on, let’s take a bath together and relax a little.”

He walked you both to the bathroom. You started filling the bathroom with some warm water. You turned around and Yoongi was looking at you with a smile on his face. “What?” you asked laughing. He got closer, holding you by the waist “Nothing, you just look cute.” He pecked your cheek and then your neck. You giggled because it tickled you. “Should I add a bath bomb?” you asked him. “Please, something to makes us relax.”

You started looking for a lavender bath bomb and when you found it you threw it in the water. “Should we get undressed now?” he asked teasingly with a smirk on his face. “No, maybe we should get in with clothes on,” you said joking.

He then pulled up the big shirt you had, leaving you only in panties. “Well that was fast,” he said laughing. “I was sleeping, do you want me to sleep in jeans and bra?” He started laughing while taking off his shirt. “Do you want me to help?” you asked while taking the zipper of his jeans between your fingers. He hummed “Someone’s eager.”

“Well, it’s being quite a while. I'm always eager for you,” you answered. He hummed again while you unzipped his pants when they fell he stepped out of them. You then pulled down your underwear and he did the same. He then dipped into the bathtub a low grunt leaving his lips. “Come, baby,” he stretched his arms calling you. You smiled and then got into the tub, sitting between his legs.

He wrapped you in his arms, pulling you to him. He took the liquid soap and started to pour it on you, massaging your back and your shoulders. He then started pouring some water on you to wash out the soap. He started caressing your legs, going up your torso, he squeezed one of your breasts playfully making you laugh.

But then both of his hands grabbed your breasts his fingers twisting your nipples. His mouth was kissing your neck, you closed your eyes enjoying the feeling of his soft lips and his hands toying with you. A low moan escaped your lips, he breathed giving you tickles and then whispered in your ear “Do you like it?” His low voice making you shiver “I love it oppa.” You rested your head on his shoulder, his hands now traveling down your torso, he was trying to reach between your legs.

His hand pushed your legs apart, taking your earlobe between his teeth, his fingers found your clit. You sighed in relief while he massaged your bundle of nerves. He was going slowly, torturing you, making you surrender to the pleasure. A low “Yes,” escaped your lips and he moaned at your cute voice. One of your legs was now hanging on the edge of the tub, spreading yourself more to give him access. A bony finger entering you surprised you making you gasp. He knew you were ready to have more so he slipped another finger in stealing a moan from you. He started pulsing his fingers while his thumb caressed your clit. “Oh fuck, Yoongi yes!” You were a moaning mess. He started going faster and deeper on you, the water now splashing out of the tub, your moans could be heard all around the house, you were sure. “Yoongi Im gonna cum,” you whispered. “Cum baby girl, cum for me.” And with that, you exploded with a long moan. “That’s it,” he hissed and the kissed your cheek. “Let’s go to the bed now, we’re gonna turn into raisins.” You laughed at his comment.

You were in the room now with a bathrobe and he was just covering his lower half with a towel. He then let drop the towel, standing all naked in front of you. Your eyes glowed because he looked like an angel, his skin glowing, his hair damp from the bath.

He was walking to you slowly, almost like if you were his prey and he was about to eat you all. “Now come here, I'm gonna make love to you through all the rest of the night, we’re not going out all day, I'm gonna pleasure every corner of your body.” His words sparking a new fire inside of you; desire.

He untied your bathrobe, letting it fall to your feet. He started kissing your neck, licking and nibbling on it, his hands ran down your arms. He noticed some purple spots: the marks of his fingers. He gasped and stopped doing everything. “What’s wrong?” you asked confused. He just caressed the spot. “It’s okay Yoongi, it doesn’t hurt,” you said sweetly. “I hurt you,” he said as a whisper. “It’s okay, just... come here, touch me, make me yours again and again.” His eyes were now two balls full of hunger.

He touched your cheek and you leaned into his hand saying “Your hands are big, let me feel them all over me please.” He started kissing you wildly and you both fell onto the bed. You were on top of him, kissing him while he ran his hands up and down your back. You kissed his neck, down his torso until you reached to his length, it was waiting for you all hard.

You started kissing the tip, looking at him all innocent, he passed his fingers through your hair and smiled, eager for what was coming next. You then opened your mouth and wrapped your lips around him, going as far as you could. Going back up you sucked him, looking at him directly to the eyes. He hissed and then moaned when you reached the tip. “Ooh jagi, do that again.” You complied with his wish. You were now bobbing your head, making him grunt and hiss until he couldn’t take it anymore. “Babe, please ride me, come,” he begged.

You climbed over his legs, straddling him. He was holding his dick for you to sit on it. You took it to find your entrance and when you did you slid down slowly. Yoongi hissed at the new feeling, “Fuck! You’re tight.” When you finally reached the end you started moving, rocking your hips back and forth. This position allowed him to reach your spot easily. He placed his hands on your hips, guiding you on how to move. After a little while, you started jumping fast, feeling the knot in your stomach trying to get free. He noticed and his hand found your clit, rubbing it furiously, trying to make you reach your high. “Fuck! Yes!” He kept going until your hips were moving furiously, “Shit Jagi! Cum for me, let me hear you, baby,” and that was all you needed, your orgasm hitting you, a sigh leaving your lips. You crashed on his sweaty chest, trying to recover fast because he wasn’t done.

“Don’t get too comfy, I haven’t finished,” he said smirking, suddenly rolling on the bed so you were now under him. He took both of your legs and placed them on his shoulders. He slipped into you again, thrusting you mercilessly. “You look so good like this, under me, your breasts jumping, you’re mine.” He let your legs fall on his side and started kissing you, never stopping his hips. He was whispering in your ear how much he liked you, how much he loved you, how beautiful you are. “I'm gonna cum baby,” he almost cried. He started going faster on you and then he pulled out, exploding on your stomach and with a loud grunt. He crashed on your side kissing your cheek. “Do you feel loved now?” you nodded and he smiled.

When he was recovered he took the towel and cleaned your stomach and then came back to cuddle you. It was 6:00 am already, the sun was starting to peek. “Yoongi we haven’t slept,” you giggled.

“Didn’t you heard when I said we were going to spend the day in bed? I wasn’t referring to sleep.” You purred and he chuckled, kissing you again to start a new round full of pleasures.

[emperorsscorpion]

Reconciliation by the Sea (Continuation of this)

Elaine, who grew tired and weary of casting cold, cruel looks to her husband, simply isolated herself from him for long periods of time, only allowing idle chatter to initiate between the two of them. She was still upset by his actions, but not enough to declare it malice. Those around her still feared her, and shockingly, she enjoyed such fear. She enjoyed her own cruelty.

It wouldn’t be long before she healed, but how to speak to Dr. X after that happened? Conveying her feelings would be rather difficult without some anger laced within said feelings. Elaine wasn’t malicious towards him any longer, but lately wondered if his love for her were valid. He let her isolate herself, and made no motion to try to ‘win’ her back, almost as if he wanted her to keep away from him.

Did she really turn that barbaric? Would he abandon her in full?

It wouldn’t be a surprise-- Most of Elaine’s life has left her alone, up until seven years previous when she married Dr. X. She would grieve if her fear became true. She would be truly alone again, either left to rot or die in an effort to keep Dr. X’s secrets at bay. Her overreactions make her heart race. Elaine looks at her face through the reflection of the now-cold bathwater. She’s been crying, and her cheeks have been stained with dry tears.

Her heart cannot lie. She misses her husband dearly. She missed his hold, his kisses, his love. Though icy he was, Dr. X was something else to her. He could actually be warm and loving. She called on the days they would lie for hours in bed, and Dr. X would ignore everything and everyone for her. He would nuzzle her gently, sometimes denying he did such a childish act, and leave a flurry of kisses on her cheek and neck.

There was something about the way he would touch her, kiss her, and show his affection that had her always craving more. Every night of intimacy would be different. Every day they woke, naked and in each other’s arms, would be a different morning. She missed that. She missed all of it. Was it weak to cave after such a long time and reconcile with him? Elaine figured by now, he would have learned the reason behind this circumstance-- and to never let it happen again.

She leans back in the tub. Even this was different. When she wanted an act of intimacy, Dr. X joined her, in the tub. It was big enough for the two of them, especially considering their master bath was large enough for a separate shower and tub, as well as a small round stool to sit on to freshen up. The water was so cold now, and Elaine could have used her newfound Crimson Blizzard power-- snow combined with raging flames-- to heat the water, rather than getting out and causing her body to become even colder as she changed the water, but found she believed she wasn’t deserving of warmth.

Elaine wanted to get out. She wanted to find her husband and kiss him, to tell him that she was no longer angry, and that she desired to have his blissfully overwhelming heat and his everything. She could not bring herself to move. She leaned forward and let herself cry again, her tears dropping into the water, making a small sound. This was not how she wanted this to end. She did not want to suffer. She did not want her heart to suffer... and she did not want Dr. X to suffer, dealing with her, who’s anger was so fiery it could rival the flames of Hell.

She does not hear the door open slightly and lets out an audible gasp as she sees Dr. X. Her eyes follow him as he sits on the little stool. They are both silent for a brief time. He looks at her warily, as he expects her to coldly tell him off, and force him to leave before she does, however when she does not, his look changes. He is confused, as he should be.

“You stayed in here longer than you normally do,” he speaks softly, unlike him. “I was worried.”

Elaine opened her mouth to reply, but stopped when he lifted his hand to stroke her hair gently. He did it briefly and prepared to pull his hand away but was stopped by Elaine who grabbed his hand in a flash, holding it strongly. He made a startled sound, but squeezed gently.

“Elaine...”

Hearing her name being spoken so softly did nothing to heal her. This was not him. He wasn’t supposed to be like this. He always said her name strongly. Treated her like an equal. Now it was if he was afraid of her! Trying to please her, trying to win her favor-- the very same she did when she first met him. She pulled on his hand, and he stood. She looked up at him, and let his hand loose, then tugged on his shirt. He would know what that meant. 

The water splashed everywhere. He was on top of her, just as she wanted. Seeing him soak his clothes and hair, not even bothering to take them off, invoked some sort of heat pooling within Elaine. He gripped her neck and leaned down to kiss her hard. Her fingers tangle in his hair, and she feels his desire, in more ways than one. 

A half-hour later, they are clean, and holding one another. Elaine rests her head on his chest, and Dr. X strokes her hair. She felt like his soft breathing, and beating of his heart could just lull her to sleep, but she wasn’t ready to sleep just yet. She had so much to say before sleep took her.

“I’m sorry,” she said weakly. He didn’t stop stroking her hair.

“You had every right to be angry.”

“But, I...”

“Elaine,” he interrupts her. “I love you.”

Gasping, she looked up at him.

“I-I love... I love you too. I love you. Okay?! So... Please, I just-- I know-- We’re a mess. A big mess. We made mistakes-- and it messed me up, it messed you up, but, damn it, I-”

Dr. X leaned down to kiss her forehead, and Elaine calmed instantly. Her thoughts were a mess. All that mattered is that he knew she was genuinely apologetic. That she did not want this to happen again-- the coldness, avoidance, maliciousness. All she wanted was to feel his need for her, and for him to feel her desire. That was all.

Her eyes felt droopy and she closed them, yawning.

“Don’t leave me in the morning,” she pleaded, drousiness adding a bit of laziness to her voice. “Stay off the day. Be with me. Be with me only, if you can. I’m selfish... Want you to myself.”

“Of course,” he agreed. “I won’t be needed for one day. We can laze away, have everything brought to us, without any unneeded interaction.”

Elaine nuzzled him lazily.

“Good...”

Feeling him peck her lips, she was lulled to sleep shortly, with him following suit. Knowing that he would be there when she awoke gave her a peaceful sleep.

[sparkly-angell]

It seems I simply can’t let my feelings about Net Neutrality slide away

Ok. Hello

Net Neutrality is being discussed everywhere in the globe for obvious reasons, which envolves (sadly) the entire planet being worried about it and the fact that most of the sites we use come from the USA.

I get the problem with ending Net Neutrality, I do, we almost had it in Brazil as well, it sucks and narrows your freedom.

But is it so important that you get so desperate over it?? Dont you think you guys are overreacting a lot?

Is2g Im in a point that I get angry whenever I see a post talking about net neutrality. People saying “oooh, they are taking away our right for democracy” “this is going to affect so many people oh my god I need to lay down, im so dramatic” like, stawp pliss.

Again, im not saying I agree with your government, but dont you aso get tired of repeating yourself so much????? For real bruh???

I know people from usa are egocentric (i spill all the T) but like, can you chill? And stop trying to always find an error, or a problem in your country? A real problem? Ok, paying 4,99 dollars are not idealistic, but it could get so much worse? Wtf?

What about the news of those slaves in Lybia? Why where they circulating on tumblr only for a week?? Bc it doesnt affect you personally? Because you, deep inside, dont really care?? Why does the rest of the world care for yor net neutrality then?? It wont affect us directly, so what the fuck?? Why make a huge deal about it?? Why does it circulates more than people dying? I dont get it.

What I mean is, I know people from all around the world that uses tumblr from all ages, but most young people get really brainwashed by everything that happens in the USA they sometimes are not aware whats happening on THEIR own country, I was once like that, it sucks. All you do is to think with an USA way thinking, and you might think is ok, that its the most correct way of thinking, but there is no correct way of thinking.

Its not that other people shouldnt care about your “oh life is so unfair” country, its just that 1. Dont make us feel like we should care more about it than our own countries; 2. Dont ignore other countries problems or make them less than yours because you dont have anything to do with it. Dont be a hypocrite.

Also, spoiler, even if it does get approved the end of Net Neutrality, your world wont end, maybe some of your privilege will, but you will still have food, a place to live, a school to go, different from most people who dont even have the opportunity to eat. And also, this law is not permanent. Nothing is forever permanent.

Think a lil about that before making a dramatic “end of the world” kinda post about net neutrality. Be sensitive and sensible. Thank you.

[marias-studyblr]

Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!). 

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing. 

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

[jugggheadjoness]

from afar pt one// jughead jones au

from afar // the one where she needs a wedding date

masterlist

summary: (Y/N) needs a wedding date. jughead is the only one available. small problem-they aren’t on good terms. 

words: 900+

(((author’s note: i’m on mobile so i cant tag my masterlist but other parts will be longer i promise. Also this is so cheesy so if you dont like that sorta stuff im sorry. it’ll also be speech based so i can update it frequently))) 

(Y/N) let out a scream, alerting everyone within a five mile radius, that she was, in fact, not okay. Almost in a comedic manner, Kevin and Veronica come barging into their best friend’s room. “WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?” (Y/N) screamed as she made eye contact with the duo stood at the door. 

“This is not happening. This is definitely not happening. I’m just dreaming this.“ 

“And the Oscar goes to…(Y/N) (L/N) for best actress in a leading role. You may have seen her in films such as: ‘The Mental Breakdown’ and ‘Why the FUCK are you screaming the apartment down at quarter to eleven at night?’” Kevin joked as his best friend finally calmed down. 

“My dumb brother didn’t even think of calling me. He doesn’t even tell me in person!“ she screeched “How am I even related to him?“ 

 "Oh my god, (Y/N), what’s Josh done now?” Veronica asked, knowing that her best friend always overreacted to everything her brother did or said. 

“He’s getting married.” she retorted “The idiot is getting married in two weeks and I’ve only just been told. He wants me to leave for Boston tomorrow.“ 

“Shouldn’t you be happy for him?” Kevin asked, unsure on why she was upset. 

Of course she was happy for her brother. She loved her brother more than anything but she wasn’t happy to be the last to know. (Y/N) had told Josh everything but it seemed as if he was hesitant to let her know of his upcoming marriage. 

 "I’m happy for him but I, sure as hell, am not happy about turning up to my brother’s wedding dateless! Do you not know how many random ‘singletons’ will be directed my way?“

"You don’t want to turn up dateless?” Veronica paused for a while, thinking of people (Y/N) could bring with her. 

 "Come with me! Be my date!“ she grinned, rushing over to Veronica "Please, we know each other well enough for you to pretend to be my girlfriend.”

“(Y/N), if I could, I would but you know I’ve got that work thing, I can’t cancel last minute.”

“Ugh, I know you won’t be down for the drive there with me.” (Y/N) turned her attention to Kevin.

“Your brother also knows I’m gay.“ He retorted "It’s not even an option. What about Archie?”

“Kev, you know Archie and I grew up together! Josh is caught up with everything in his life. He knows Arch is with Betty. Never mind, maybe Reginald will come with me." 

"Nu-uh, you can’t ask Reg to be your date to your brother’s wedding. He barely knows his own name, let alone anything about you.” Veronica scoffed. “Looks like you’ll have to go dateless.”

“Are you two forgetting about our good ole pal Forsythe Jones?” Kevin interrupted the silence.

“No, no, no! Absolutely no way. Kevin, are you out of your bloody mind? Jughead doesn’t even like the sound of my breathing.”

“Wouldn’t hurt to try? It would be better to pretend to date Juggie than have Tana set you up with her weird cousin, Jackson.”

“Montana does have some weird cousins. Even if I asked, Jughead would definitely say no before I even opened my mouth.”

“Well, you’re not asking, I am.“ Kevin rolled his eyes "Maybe this experience will be beneficial for the entire apartment and you’ll stop being at each other’s throats.”

“You’re acting as if I hate him or something.”

“That’s because you do!” the duo exclaimed, almost as if it had been practised.

In all truth, (Y/N) didn’t dislike Jughead but she didn’t like him either. She had no genuine opinion on him. The duo were introduced to each other after they were forced to share a dorm together. They were both civil with each other at the beginning but the moment everyone got settled in, it was almost as if he flipped a switch in his mind and suddenly disliked her. Kevin, Veronica, Betty and Reggie were also surprised by the change in his behaviour. 

Ever since that moment, it seemed as if he had dedicated every waking moment to making sure to ruin her day, whether it be with some stupid remark about her outfit or by purposely misplacing her cereal in the highest place he could find. She had once found the box sitting on the edge of the entrance to the attic.

“No it’s okay, I can ask Reggie.” (Y/N) frowned “Jughead is bound to say no. Reggie and I can make up some stupid story on the drive down.”

Kevin scoffed before rushing out of the door and running down the stairs with (Y/N) hot on his heels. As soon as Kevin reached his destination, he began knocking on the door rapidly. “Forsythe Jones, open the door right now!”

“Kevin, shut the fuck up. You’re going to wake everyone in the building up.” She muttered through gritted teeth

“What’s up, Keller?” Jughead spoke, poking his head through the small crack “Bit late for a random visit, don’t ya think?”

“(Y/N) needs you to pretend to be her boyfriend for her brother’s wedding. Are you in?”

“Alright, I’ll go.” He chuckled lowly, his eyes meeting (Y/N)’s. “When are we setting off, babe?”

(Y/N) winced at his exaggeration of the word babe, feeling goosebumps grow on her skin. She was unsure whether it was from the displeasure of his words or maybe because she never expected him to agree just like that.

“Better pack your bags, we’re leaving at seven tomorrow.” Archie interrupted from behind the door.

(Y/N) retorted, turning around, starting to retreat towards her apartment “I’m leaving at 12 tomorrow. You decide who you’ll want to drive with. Keep in mind its a 10 hour drive.”

“It’ll be more plausible if I drive up with you, babe. Can’t wait to see your cute little butt in a cute little dress.” Jughead smirked.

[producingnct-blog]

sometimes failure is better than success

jihoon/samuel fake dating au

requested by anon

honestly it all started in the weirdest way

jihoon had been friends for a few months when it happened

it wasn’t their fault that bae jinyoung was literally so pretty

they couldn’t keep their eyes off of him and so they bet on who would get to take him out first

(spoiler alert: none of them did)

jihoon and his group of friends, which consisted of samuel, euiwoong, seonho, gualin and hyungseob, were like the groups of friends that people see in the movies

they had lunch together everyday, they sat next to each other and they told one another everything

jihoon couldnt have asked for a better group of friends, really

but then again... he could

i mean, how was samuel considered a good friend if he insisted on crushing on the same guy as him????

jihoon didnt understand

for all everyone knew, jihoon had been crushing on jinyoung first!

he’d fallen in love as soon as they made eye contact (which in fact, did not happen bc jinyoung was always looking at the ground, but please. let jihoon be happy)

and jihoon had started talking about him to their friends just to be met with “i know right!!!”’s from samuel at everything he said

jihoon, the fucking gemini, had glared at him. “he’s mine, i saw him first.”

to which euiwoong had replied, after taking a bite of hyungseob’s sandwich. “hyung, you do realise he’s not food, right?”

maybe jihoon had ended up blushing a bit, but who was to blame him for that? he quickly shook his head, “thats not what i mean, woong. you know that.” then turned his head to samuel

“cmon sam, for real. i feel like this is my sappy romance story yk. you gotta let me have it.”

“but hyung, i like him too! look, im not gonna dislike him for you and neither will you. its bros before hoes, not bros before ros-”

gualin, at this, perked up “what even is this conversation that does not make any sense”

“yes it does, omg! bros equals friends, ros equals romance between bros ok lemme live jesus! but anyway, we aint gonna budge our asses for one anoter, we might as well fight for it. agaisnt each other”

“what??!???” “are you crazy???” “what the fuc- i mean what????”

jihoon looked terrified, but then he set up his tray a bit closer to him, smirking. “fine. whoever gets to take him out first, gets him. after losing you gotta give him up. and give me 20 bucks as well.”

“why are you saying its me whos gonna lose?? and why do i have to pay you??”

jihoon smiled mischiviously. “duh. because i want, obviously.”

and then it was set

they started playing games, trying to get jinyoung’s attention

samuel would write lyrics to songs he wanted to play to jinyoung

jihoon would daydream about coming up to jinyoung and telling him he wanted him to be his bae 

samuel would start laughing louder, so that he could call for jinyoung’s attention indirectly

jihoon would wear different neon laces everyday to be different and stand out in his crush’s eyes

and yet, jinyoung didnt care for either of them

“ugh, this is so hard jihoon hyung.”

“i know right? he hasn’t even looked in our way at least once”

“what is it that we’re doing wrong??”

“idk sam. maybe we should try to get his attention in another way?”

samuel stopped writing down the answer to his english homework of the day to look up at jihoon, who was wearing a frown on his face

“how so hyung?”

“well, we could try to make him jealous?”

“but how is that even going to work if he doesn’t notice either of us”

jihoon threw his pencil in the table, and rolling his eyes as he sighed

“i dont know okay???? i just want him to look at me and like me back, but he doesnt even know i exist”

“hey hyung... its okay, i get it remember? we’re the same. just... how do you think we can make him jealous then?”

jihoon smiled a bit at that, lifting his head from where he had laid it into his arms, “we could date someone”

“oh. who?”

“well. hyungseob and euiwoong are the only gays from our group of friends that are out, but they’re dating each other. so....”

“so....?”

“sooooo.... we could date each other!”

“WHAT oh my god no way”

jihoon pinched samuel’s arm, making the younger flinch away. “what do you mean no way, you punk! im damn handsome, smart, intelligent and funny! theres nothing not to like!”

“hyung.... get your head out of your ass and listen. i dont wanna date you omg. you literally are so.... annoying sometimes no offense. and you snore when you sleep!”

“omg sam shut the fuck up u idiot. firstly i am not annoying youre just not old enough to understand how real and amazing people like me function. secondly. bitch we aint gonna sleep together what the fuck is wrong with my snoring. you talk in your sleep!”

samuel shook his head. “this is seriously not gonna work hyung, what even went through your mind.”

“an idea, thats what. at least i try to come up with those and help ourselves!!!!!” jihoon sighed once again, throwing his hands up. “so are you in or what? we can give it a try right? for a week or two?”

“ugh. fine but if it doesnt work out im killing both you and myself.”

“wow.... thats sad”

“shut up and study”

it..... didnt work out

but also no one died

“ok. what is happening??” was the first thing that met them when they walked to their lunch table holding hands, gualin was currently staring at them both intensively

“listen. this is not weird i promise but we’re dating.”

“you’re what???????”

“dating, you dumbass.”

euiwoong fixed up his glasses, “when and why and how did this happen. am i in a alternative universe”

“ok what the fuck is so wrong with us loving each other” samuel tried not to gag at jihoon’s words, instead squeezing jihoon’s hand stronger

seonho stopped snacking on a chocolate bar “you have been crushing on jinyoung for weeks remember?”

hyungseob continued, “yeah and why wouldnt you tell us if you liked each other???”

at this jihoon started laughing, “im kidding jeez!!!” he then sat down and mentioned for them to sit closer

“we’re pretending-” “WHAT” “omg shut up gualin youre so loud. we’re pretending to date so that jinyoung will be jealous”

euiwoong sighed “im not even going to care this time around. you two are lost cases.”

hyungseob smiled as he pinched euiwoong’s cheek and jihoon fake vomited “ew. YOU are lost cases stop being so in love”

“you jealous hyung?” “omg shut up seonho”

“anyway woong. i am telling you that you should be more respectful to me. when im married to jinyoung, with kids that are twice your height and with more money than all your three next genarations, i wont remember you punk.”

“GOOD”

“OMG YOU FUCKING- I HATE YOU”

turns out fake dating samuel wasnt soooo bad

they hang out like they used to, the only difference was that they held hands a bit more

it still, however, didnt work for them as jinyoung never looked their way

therefore, ofc the obvious and only solution was for them to take their relationship to the next level and to kiss

they decided on a plan

jihoon would be walking to school and hed pass by jinyoung and smile at him casually, but then he’d fall

samuel would then see and help him up, ask if he was okay!! and then kiss his cheek

it was a good plan, really, it was a good plan BUT

fucking samuel didnt do shit! he stood there looking

which ended up in jinyoung looking up to see what had happened and walking towards jihoon to help him up

jihoon started blushing when jinyoung asked him if he was okay, and jihoon could only nod

at this samuel came closer to the two of them, glaring at jihoon but trying to cover it up with a smile “hey you okay baby?”

jihoon blushed at the pet name, how could samuel call him baby when he was talking with his crush. “im fine”

jinyoung then cleared his throar, “hm. im glad youre okay i should go. see you around i guess...”

“jihoon!!! my name is jihoon”

after jinyoung had left, samuel turned to jihoon “what the hell was that?”

“that do you mean??? you didnt even fucking try to help me. what was THAT???”

“i was... thinking. listen, why didnt you pretend??”

“fuck. because i was actually talking to him! and you had to ruin it all sam omg. cant you fucking let me win? youre such a sore loser.”

“what??? i was doing what you asked hyung! i was pretending.”

“whatever, im done. i dont want to pretend anymore. i got to talk with him alone, not by pretending.”

“what??? but how come you want to pretend and then you dont?!?!?”

“jeez sam dont make it that deep. we played a game, the game is over now. thats it, im gonna keep trying to get jinyoung and so will you”

“but hyung. i thought we were on this together?”

“hm no??? sam, we’re agaisnt each other”

samuel shook his head, rubbing his hands agaisnt each other, “fine.”

“fine!”

when samuel didnt answer, jihoon sighed “goodbye”

“where are you going??? it’s the middle of the day?”

“mind your business”

they didnt talk for two days, damn that gemini stuborn ass

samuel ended up reaching out to jihoon and apologising for overreacting, to which jihoon agreed and also apologised for doing the same

they sorted things out and promised to not let this jinyoung matter ruin their friendship 

everything was really great until jihoon started talking more with jinyoung

jihoon would cross ways with his crush and he’d actually hold his head up long enough to shoot him a smile

they’d say hi to each other if they saw one another

sometimes jihoon would even sit next to jinyoung for a few moments when he was alone

and jihoon was loving it until he noticed that samuel was growing sadder by the days

he was quieting down and focusing more on studying

and he was always avoiding him

jihoon could for the love of god understand why 

and he couldnt not talk about it, so he did ofc

him and samuel talked about it although the younger avoided saying the reason

jihoon let him be for a few more days but once the week mark passed, he got really worried

he thought that maybe it was because samuel was jealous that he’d lost and jihoon even went to the point of talking to him about giving up jinyoung just to let samuel be happy-

when he noticed exactly that. since when did samuel’s happiness become soooo important? sure it was always important, they were friends

but jihoon cared to the point of giving up on his crush just to see samuel happy???? that was new

jihoon then started thinking more about that and even talked to euiwoong about it, who told him that he was thinking of it as something more complex than it really was and that he should just talk with samuel

at first, jihoon didnt get it. but as he started missing his best friend more and more (since when did samuel become his best friend that he missed more than the others???)

he realised something had changed and he decided he really needed to talk with samuel about it

“hey”

“oh. hey hyung” samuel went to leave the bathroom

its not live jihoon purposefully stalked him there just to prove to himself that the younger was in fact avoiding him

“hey wait. we need to talk sam”

samuel shook his head quickly, “we dont. for real i swear im okay”

“i dont believe you. just talk with me please, for a second”

“fine hyung. here?”

“hm.... no, lets go to the seats okay?”

“okay hyung.”

they sat down in the outside of the school, close to each other but not too much

jihoon cleared his throat “ok so, ive been thinking. and listen. i really miss you sam. like ive been talking more and more with jinyoung but less and less with you and i miss you like crazy-”

“oh.”

“yeah. i.... dont know sam. i really miss you, what happened? we were fine but you started avoiding me. is it because i talk with jinyoung more than you? i...i. i could let you meet him. talk for real with him.”

“no, hyung. its not that.”

“really? then what? bc i swear sam, i’d give him up for you to be happy, for real.”

“really hyung? you’d. you’d do that? for m-me? seriously?”

“yeah. of course. is it really not because of that?”

“well. i guess technically it is. but hm. just hear me out and please dont hate me okay?”

jihoon nodded “of course not.”

i dont how or why but ive been feeling different... towards you. i was jealous yes, but then i realised i was jealous not because of jinyoung but because of you... hyung. i wanted to be him. i wanted you to be crushing on me and i know youre not and i know you wont. and im happy for you to be talking with him but. im sorry i just dont feel ready to be your friend right now.”

“oh hm. wow i didnt realise you felt that way. i.”

samuel shook his head, “part of me was hoping youd confess like in the movies yk? im... god im so stupid.”

“hey, dont say that. youre not. im too perfect, you cant resist me i get it-”

“not now hyung, please.” and the way samuel’s voice sounded so broken. it left jihoon speechless and at the same time wanting to scream out everything at the world.

“sam. im sorry i really am i didnt know you felt that way. i...”

“its okay hyung. i myself only realised when i talked with woong-”

“wait you talked with him too?”

“what? you talked with him?”

“yeah i asked for his help-”

“about what?”

“ohh. hm. oh. i.”

jihoon completely spaced out and he felt like he was in a movie. he felt like a character that just understood everything at once, like a stupid girl that didnt realise she liked her best friend over her crush. like a fool

“i wow sam.”

“what hyung? are you okay??????”

“jesus christ im dumb”

“i know. tell me something new.”

“bitch shut up listen i.... like you too omg- i cant believe it but i do.”

“what?? you just daydreamed for two minutes straight and now youre back and u like me??? dont play me like that. i thought you were better than this-”

“omg sam shut up let me talk. i talked to woong because i needed help reaching out to you. i was so worried! i even told you that i’d give jinyoung up for you and you talking with woong just reminded me of what he said... and its true. i was making it out to be too complicated when in fact its so simple. i like you, plain and easy.”

“are you sure??????”

“yeah sam. i am, i really am. i feel like i have a bulb over my head.”

“you might as well, what you just said was more moving and inovational than the creation of ipads.”

“damn im blessed to have such a nice boyfriend that compliments me so much! i mean, wait no.”

they both blushed, the losers.

“so.... boyfriend huh?”

“what the fuck gualin since when were you there????”

they ended up discovering a week later, as they held hands under the lunch table, giggling and blushing over the touch, that jinyoung had been dating daewhi for months.

[kennyyomega]

i’m so confused after the argument with my dad last night. i know what i was trying to say and i know how i felt, but what if he’s right? what if i do always make myself out to be the victim? what if i do overreact to every minor thing? every single argument with him turns out this way and i’m used to it, but i’m tired of not letting myself be heard. i’m tired of being told how i feel and what i was ACTUALLY doing. you can’t know my intentions if you’re not me but i feel like i’m fucking insane because.... what if he does? 

i don’t know! i’m angry, i’m sad. i know my dad is going to move past this like nothing ever happened and nothing will be resolved. 

putting the rest of this under a cut bc of specifics. i just need to work through some of these thoughts.

at one point last night he went totally off on me and said “you know how your uncle talks to your cousin? and your cousin would NEVER talk like this to his dad?” and like .... my uncle is kind of scary when he’s angry so no shit my cousin keeps his mouth shut.

but the fact that my dad thinks that’s what normal parenting is has me fucked up but again: what if he’s right? what if i am defiant and crazy and overreacting to everything because, he said and i quote, “nobody EVER gives you shit and on the rare occasion when someone gives you shit you completely overreact.”

but i think i overreact because he’s always so hostile if even one little thing is wrong. 

this whole argument was over a fucking data overage on our phone plan. my parents and i are on a family cell plan and we almost capped our data. my dad told me to turn off the cellular which i did, but when i was out later that night i put it back on bc my phone wouldn’t play songs on spotify - songs that i already have DOWNLOADED so i didn’t think data would be getting used.

but it just didn’t occur to me at the time that apps use data in the background so i left it on. the data went over, we owe extra money (that i agreed to pay) and when i tried to explain to my dad what i did and why he completely overrode everything i was saying.

he told me that i should have turned the cellular off and left it off and asked him about the spotify thing but it was such an off the cuff thing. like i was on my way to krav getting on the fucking bus when i flipped it back on. it was an honest mistake 

but he fucking blew up at me. started swearing at me. telling me i was overreacting and at this point i was full on shaking because i decided i wasn’t going to let him walk all over me. he didn’t get why i was overreacting and he didn’t understand why i wanted him to apologize and he still doesn’t. i made a mistake, i didn’t think it through, it was an honest mistake

but he treats me like i’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t know any better. 

and like in my family i know when i’m about to walk into a hostile conversation because you can just sense it and he goes off like “oh now you’re talking about the energy in the room??? dont give me that bullshit!” 

im sorry it’s true? like what the fuck? my parents wonder why i feel like i’m not allowed to have feelings but shit like this always happens. 

like.. is this it? is this how people communicate with each other? i honestly feel like i’m losing my mind. i don’t even know how i feel anymore. am i dumbass idiot? do i overreact to everything? is my dad always right?

and i wonder why i have self-worth issues. 

[3rdinsight]

Tired.

I hate my friends. Should I even call them that? Friends? Because jfc they sure as hell don't act like it

To start off this little thing I dated a guy and we will call him Zayn. Throughout this whole fiasco of Zayn and I flirting my friends were completely against. Often saying "he's trash, I deserve better" etc etc.

Now Zayn and I broke up a bit ago but I'm just now finding out that he cheated on me a few times now and he forced himself on a girl a bit after we broke up. I confided in my friends about this and they all agreed that yeah, he sucks as a person and thank God I broke up with him when I did.

Now to present time. My good friend ermm, Julie and my other good friend Ryan have liked each other for awhile and now are dating. Ryan and Zayn are bffs so Zayn snuck his way back into my circle yet again.

This is were the problem starts. Since Julie is all heart eyes and blah blah for Ryan, her and Zayn are like bffs which is like ????. Okayy?? So we all hangout and I'm so uncomfortable because I'm literally by the guy her basically molested a girl and cheated on me multiple times. And yet I gotta act like I'm fine bc you know fuck my discomfort.

I tell my friends Julie and our other good friend Vivian how uncomfortable I feel and explain to them and everything. They go "yeah fuck him hes trash" "we dont like him" "hes kinda just there you know" and I'm like okay. But I caught that whenever I'm not around them and Zayn are cool and close which is odd since they never liked him to begin with. And recently now I'm the outcast. They ignore me and engage with Zayn because well Julie and Ryan are dating and I guess Julie and Vivian are better friends than I am with them. So I have to sit there quiet and then I'm confronted like "why are you being petty and what's the matter?" Even tho i explained ot to you guys??? And if I walk away from the group I'm overreacting. So like fuck my discomfort and everything.

I've been sitting here for awhile to realize that dont care about me. They really only care about themselves and their happiness even tho I've always been there for them. I was there for Vivian when she had a downward spiral and I got Julie and Ryan together bc she was insecure. But whatever right? I dont matter. And so I just stopped talking to them because like why should i?? They dont care. And they really don't. They kinda erased me which is so funny and are like great friends with Zayn and shit. So yeah, fuck them I guess

I hate putting my all in people that don't care. I loved these people. I loved them with like my whole heart. They made me happy. And to be betrayed like this is like ????. I dont understand and I'm mad. I'm mad and I'm lonely and I HATE that I feel this way. I shouldn't feel this way. It's my senior year. But nah. Fuck that I guess. I was in a really bad depression in December to the point I wanted to end it all. I'm getting swallowed in these bad thoughts again. And I'm like withering away. I hate it but I cant do anything about it. I see myself wilting and I cant stop it. Not this time and it's scary. I'm aware of it and yet I'm just so tired to change it. I'm mad. Im sad. But honestly I'm just lonely. And that makes me even more mad. I just want people that genuinely care but I cant find that anywhere and that's so exhausting

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

i had an off day today. i woke up early, showered, cut and prepared my lunch for the day, packed grapes to snack on, and was overall in a pretty good mood. i even stayed awake for the entire train ride up north and while i did run into the homeless guy again, he didnt recognize me this time. phew. but i started it off well! i did! but then i preceeded to feel very overwhelmed and I can’t tell if im just being lazy or if today was honestly an off day or what. i think it’s bc i do have a tendency to work fast in general but bc of that, i usually have a lot of free time and a lot of time for a break but today, i didnt feel like i had a break. it was just one thing after the other and all so fast! And I’ve been getting more “fire drill” requests recently where clients need something ASAP. Which haven’t been too hard. It’s just a lot to take care of I guess. And it could just be that it’s a busy season right now. But it was just today and I do feel like tomorrow will be better. I just need to come up with a few different drafts for the one pager and the company map. I’m thinking of looking into flow charts? Or an organizational map? Or maybe it’s a chart? Anyway, I did one for ITM that came out pretty nice so maybe I’ll mimic the style. I think I’m just having such a hard time bc I don’t exactly know what they want whereas my work for the clients have been pretty straightforward. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too “perfect” and because of that, I lack a personality.

I didn’t actually tell anyone the above thought bc I thought it’d just come off as cocky but it was an actual concern! but I don’t think it’s true, haha. I’m passionate, loyal, determined, and hardworking. I’m not as goal-oriented as I used to be and I’m a lot more open to mistakes bc I know it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been able to overcome my fear of failure and it’s been immensely helpful. Although sometimes, I do still wonder if I’m not putting my best foot forward because I’m not a perfectionist anymore and worry if I should revert to those old habits. But I was so unhappy then and I’ve been able to do a lot more now without making every draft a “perfect” draft. 

I didn’t realize the people in my class from Sa-Rang went on their road trip recently and it looks like they had a good time and I was actually not at all worried about missing out. In fact, I think if I went, it would’ve just been awkward. I’m glad theyre having a good time. I just don’t think my personality fits in with them. Everyone is so competitive and I’ve tried to play those games before and I feel like if I called them out on it, they’d just chalk it off to me overreacting and they just dont trust me bc of the game and not bc of the past. But I feel like it would be bc of the past. I just wish they’d give me a chance. I actually feel like a real, decent, valid human being with my D&D friends and co-workers and peers out here. And with them. I always felt like I tried to speak up but they would ignore me. I was a voice always unheard and it made me feel invisible and like less of a person. And it felt like a norm so whenever people did acknowledge my existence, I was so touched. So touched to know that at least someone could see me. But how sad is that? I know who I am and I know the good that I have done and I know my place in God’s Kingdom. But whenever I’m with them, everything just falls apart and I question my identity and I just really don’t want to go back and face that again. I only have a month left before I have to. I want to make the most of my time here so that I’m not so afraid when I go back there. I do need to stand my ground with them and I know that I shouldn’t be this afraid to go back to my home church but I am just so afraid of how they’d react and judge me bc they’re the people I call “home.” And if that falls apart, then what. I do have Lakeview here and I’m glad but it’s still a work in progress for sure. I also want to make sure I’m doing things to help and invest into others because I genuinely care for them and not so that they’ll be grateful and thankful towards me later. I do want to genuinely serve them. I do. And I know that I can get into my own head a lot but I do want to really care for them on a deeper level. I also worry that whenever I reach out to guys, they think I’m asking them out on a date but I’m not. I actually just perceive them as I perceive girls—as hurting people and I want to be there to help them through it. 

I have “Jessie’s Girl” stuck in my head and as catchy as it is, it’s distracting my writings.

I’m really excited to sing karaoke with my friends on Friday and I just belt out my horrible horrible voice. I am totally prepared to lose my voice, HAHA. 

I’m just really conflicted, I guess.

On the one hand, I do really want to go home and just be home and not have to worry about anything but to just be in the presence of my parents and sister and to have the opportunity to go out on more late night adventures with Andrew, Aurora, and David. Those are always fun! And admittedly, forcing hangouts with Jeanne, Grace An, Tina and David Kang were always kind of awkward and I shouldn’t force these things. If people want to hangout with me then they can hit me up. But I’m only in town for so long and I would much rather spend time with people who actually genuinely care about me. 

I’ve also been so busy with my internship and havent had time to work on my coding skills :( And I want to start designing my D&D character too! Maybe I’ll start sketching on the train tomorrow or something. 

I need to do my dishes and practice my VBS dance moves too! Hopefully Saturday? :/ I want to be prepared and ready to teach 2 more dances that I’m confident in on Sunday! And then...I’m not sure what we’ll do for the rest of the time. Maybe we can all work together on the fifth dance and just keep practicing every Sunday. I do need to make sure they can confidently dance on their own without watching me. I’m worried about one of the bigger girls because she is me. She’s not bad at dancing. She’s just not confident in her skills and I want to make sure she knows that she is seen. She is real. And valid. And so important and perfect in God’s eyes. I know I was pretty nervous last Sunday but I do want to really pray for them and be a sort of mentor figure for them. We just started training and I already love all of them so much. It was also pretty disheartening when I asked for fun facts about them and they just resorted to being a PK, as if that’s all they’re good for when in reality, they are so much more than that. I can understand why and how I got and get left out a lot more now. I’m that bigger girl bc she wasnt as enthusiastic or excited. She was just shy and quiet. And I feel like there have been moments when I’ve been really enthusiastic but no one else agreed with me and I ended up just being the odd one out and felt like such an outsider and like I didn’t belong. :/ I want to really do my best and try my hardest. I do.

I’m also worried that by the time I come back during August, I won’t have grown that much and nothing will feel like it’s changed. I’m just trying to prepare and think as much as I can until then. I almost don’t want to go home at all. I’m so scared that what awaits me is just me feeling like I don’t belong. At first I was sad that I’ll only be home for a few weeks but now I’m thinking that’s all I can handle. I am so afraid that I won’t have grown or learned enough. So much happened this past year that it feels like nothing happened at all. I struggled with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, I lost Marlena and Jakob, I made new friends like Sara and Evelyn too. I had trouble coming to terms with my dad’s mom’s death, my mom’s dad’s death, my whole family dying and everything we own being burned to a crisp. All of my family members and friends getting seriously injured and everything they know and love being destroyed in a great blaze. And hardest of all, I had to come to terms with the very real reality of Robbin passing away and honestly, I still can’t fully believe it. I think once I see his grave again, I’ll actually begin to fully accept it. I really still can’t believe that happened and that’s definitely been the most impactful part of this past year. I knew that this year would be tough but I thought in terms of persecution and that’s something I overcame. I didn’t care about how others would judge me at church or on the streets anymore because I know who I am in God’s eyes. Or at least I’m trying to learn my worth in them. But this? This was on a whole different level. I went home in February for the weekend to attend Robbin’s funeral. I know it was so expensive but it was so worth it be there. It was much needed closure. I remember seeing my dad cry on our way from the airport to his mom’s place. We were both so upset, knowing what a great person Robbin was and how short his life was. He was ten years older than me when he passed away. It’s been over five months, nearly six, since he had a heart attack and I just. Sigh. I really miss you Robbin and I am so sorry that I didn’t do more for you while you were still here. I know it wasn’t my fault but I still can’t help but feel partly responsible and wonder if anything would have changed had I said something. I know what depression feels like and it sucks and I could’ve been there for him but I wasn’t. 

But anyways,

I’m here now and I am doing good. I know I am. I am happy that I can. I need to stop procrastinating and be more pro-active and get everything done sooner so that I have more time to relax and not have to worry about things to do the next day. I don’t even feel like typing anymore but I’m not tired either. I might just watch videos because might as well. I’m really not in the mood to shower or was dishes. At least tomorrow is my last day for the week! Woo! I could just take care of those things tomorrow, I suppose. Sigh. I know I shouldn’t be lazy and I definitely have the means and ability to get up and do these things and just get it over with my but I’m really not in the mood. I just want to lay on the floor and cry and wallow in my sorrow. Sigh. 

On a brighter note, I saw the Incredible 2 yesterday with Tykira and Jordan and it was so good! I predicted the plot pretty early on so I was worried that that would be the whole movie so I was pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t! C:

I read some old posts in the Guat Squad group the other day while looking for old VBS dance moves and I told Judy that I missed everyone. But honestly, I don’t know if I do. I posted so many times and was so excited to post about reminders and I honestly did trust them and have a good time but not everyone, I guess. Even on the mission field, I was a lot more comfortable talking to Judy, Grace, and Gladys than anyone else on the team. There were moments during training where they did acknowledge me and I felt accepted and like I belonged but for the majority of the time, I don’t think I actually really got along with them. I need to stop trying so hard to fit in and just saying what everyone else is saying and speak the truth instead. It might be “not the right move” but it’s much better to be me and honest than to spend so long trying so hard to fit into a group that will never accept me anyway. I think this is a new goal that I should be working towards. Using my observations to just be blunt and straightforward and honest. I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job doing that with my family and P. Josh so far. I just can’t be afraid to be honest to those around my age either. 

I also need to stop judging people for being wealthy and well off. And also for complaining or being greedy or doing a better job at fitting in than I do. I’ve been really frustrated towards Jane recently bc I feel like she just complains all the time and tries so hard to fit in and it annoys me so much bc I try to fit in too. So why does it work for her but not for me? And maybe it’s because I’m fat or not as pretty. Maybe it’s because of what happened in the past. But regardless, I am here. And I want to be unapologetically me.