#i dont know how to exist rn without being a burden to those who i want to exist with

[spearcast]

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[sweetiejunie]

idk if requests are open rn, but an angst/fluff soulmate au with Beomgyu would make me really happy. If requests aren’t open then it’s okay^^

—.✿ฺ—

Rewrite the stars

Summary: you weren’t meant to be together. And it freaked you out. But beomgyu? He’s always been your rock.

Genre: angst, fluff

Beomgyu x reader

A/n: huehue thanks for the request anonie!! First time i wrote a soulmate fic 🥴 but hope u enjoyed! I tried :’)

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The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. Beomgyu watched as you laid in his arms, staring at the red string tied around your pinky. He knew this was wrong. You weren’t supposed to be with him. But he loved you, and you loved him.

It was a fluke that the two of you met. It was a fluke that you fell for each other. But that faithful day he decided to ignore his instincts, was probably the best decision he’s ever made.

You hated that you lived in a world where ‘soulmates’ existed as a concept. You had always thought it was just a social construct, but you can’t ignore the disapproving looks you got while you walked down the streets hand-in-hand with the boy that wasn’t fated to be with you. Why couldn’t the thread be tied around his pinky instead of some stranger you haven’t met? Faith, and the universe, just had to be a bitch.

Beomgyu, on the other hand, he never cared. He loved you, and that was all that mattered to him. Who cares about what others thought about you? Everyone around him told him that it wasn’t right, but nothing ever convinced him. He swore to be by your side no matter what, and it was a promise he planned to keep. On the days when you started to doubt your relationship, he was there. On days when the harsh reality of society got to you, he was there. He was there with you through thick and thin.

“You’re overthinking about the piece of thread again,” he suddenly spoke, knocking you out of your dazed stated when he caught you playing with the string around your left pinky.

You blushed, hiding your hand in a fist as you apologised, “Im sorry.”

“No need to apologise, my love.”

Beomgyu truly was the sweetest. Through all your panic and doubt, he still chose to stay with you and never expected anything in return.

Even the time you almost broke up with him because of everything people were telling you. How you weren’t fated to last or how he was going to leave you once he met his real soulmate. After all this time, that day is still engraved deep in his mind, stuck with him like the plague. After all, the most painful memories are the hardest to forget — the day he almost lost you.

That evening, beomgyu invited you to dinner to meet his parents. You had been dating for a while now, and he thought it was the perfect time for the most important people in his life to finally meet. There was just one small catch, okay, a pretty big catch. Since you weren’t soulmates, his parents weren’t biggest fan of you.

“Why would you agree to that? You know your parents aren’t typically that fond of me. Now you want me to sit barely a feet away from them for, gods knows how many hours?”

“Come on y/n, don’t worry so much. It’ll be fine, and I’ll be with you the whole time, alright?” Beomgyu replied, pouting at you, hoping that tonight would be the night his parents saw just how loving and kind you were. He wanted so badly for you to get along, but that proved to be just a wish.

“Fine, only for you. But don’t you dare leave me.”

As the night went on, beomgyus parents didn’t do anything too out of the ordinary, asking the usual interrogating questions any parent would ask the significant other of their child. But through the night, you had half a mind that every now and then they would glare at you. Then again, you were extremely nervous, so it could have just been you overthinking or your overactive imagination. But the moment beomgyu had excused himself to use the washroom, your suspicions were confirmed.

“Ill just be a second,” he whispered to you as he pushed he chair back.

The moment he was out of sight, his mother spoke, “listen, y/n. I’m going to be frank with you. I think you’re a really nice girl, but i want you to leave beomgyu,” venom evident in every word.

Her statement caught you off guard, and the only respond your brain could process was, “huh?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s clear that you two are not meant to be together. After-all, you aren’t soulmates. No amount of love can fix or change that.” She paused, only to continue when you didn’t reply, “and i just want the best for beomgyu. I’m sure you do too. One day, I want him to be able to find true love without being held back by anything... or anyone.”

Her words rang in your head over and over again. Were you really just a burden to beomgyu? Was he really going to leave you one of these days?

“I- er- Excuse me. Sorry, i have to go. Ill see myself out,” you stated, your head hung low as you hurried to gather your thing. “ Thank you for the dinner.”

You made your way to the front door, clicking it shut behind you. Ignoring the sound of the bathroom door opening and beomgyu’s voice as he called your name. Worried, confused, maybe even desperate. In the minute he left, his entire world had come crashing down in front him.

“What on earth did you say to her?!” He yelled at his parents. But before they could answer, he was sprinting out the door after you.

“Y/n!” He called out, running towards you. “Wait! Please!”

He reached out to grab your wrist, stopping you in your tracks. When you turned to face him, the tears running down your face were bullets to his heart.

“They’re small minded people,” he began, grabbing your hands, holding them tightly. “Why do you care what they think-”

“It’s not just them,” you interrupted. “It’s everyone.”

“Not me,” his expression soften when he realised you were starting to sob harder. His thumbs running over to back your hands assuringly.

“It may not be written in stone,” he said, referring to the thread tied around his own pinky. “But i know you’re meant to be mine.”

“Beomgyu...” you trailed off. You hated how fate made you question your future with him. You hated how you always put beomgyu in that position. But you couldn’t help it. “No one ever looked at you the way your parents looked at me. But they’re right, you and i, this isn’t meant to happen. Eventually, you would find your true soulmate. Isn’t it better we end it now, before it’s too late and one of us ends up getting hurt?”

He stood there, staring into your eyes. His grip on your hands never faulted, afraid that if let you go, he’ll never see you again. A millions thoughts ran through his head, but all of them wasn’t the right thing to say. All, expect one.

“I- i love you,” he chocked out.

“Beomgyu...“

“No, don’t. I can see it in your eyes that you love me too. Isn’t that enough? I promised to be by your side. What matters the most is what we think. And we love each other, thats more than what others can ever say about us. Just because this stupid string says we’re not supposed to be together, doesn’t mean we can’t still write out own ending. Don’t leave me, please.”

“But beomgyu, they’re your parents.”

“I dont give a shit. If they can’t accept me and whatever and whoever i love then... then that’s their problem.”

You couldn’t speak, chocking on your sobs as you looked into his eyes. You pulled him in for a hug, and that was all the response he needed before hugging you back.

Bringing himself back to the present, he smiled, admiring the sight in front of him as you stared up at the clouds. Since that day, the road with you was no where near a smooth ride. But from the moment he saw you, he knew that you may not be fated to be with him, but he had to love you with everything he had, for as long as he can.

The journey to be with you may have been long and difficult, but he was glad it was so tough. Cause if he hadn’t gone through hell to get there, he might not have learnt the lessons he did. And he would carry those lessons with him. He loved you through all the hard times, every stupid fight, every pang of jealousy or boredom or uncertainty that came your way. And he would continue to do that, until the very end. Admittedly, beomgyu didn’t know what the futures holds for either of you. But he knew that it included you.

.

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Hope you liked this! Not completely happy with this but thought it was still worth posting. I tried ㅠㅠ

Masterlist

[brewing-mischief]

You know I'd really like to read a deh fanfiction where Connor and Evan run into each other really hard, get knocked unconscious by the force and then wake up in the hospital in each other's bodies.

The doctor's say they both have amnesia since they're all "who are you people" to their 'families' and cant seem to remember their names.

"What's your name"

"Evan...Hansen?

"Evan is fine, he came in with you and is talking to a doctor right now. What is YOUR name?"

"Ummm....?????"

The boys figure out they switched bodies but dont say anything to avoid looking more crazy to their families. I think itd be cool to read about how both of them get a little taste of what they need.

Connor gets to go to therapy (Dr.S is assuming that the amnesia is the reason Evan has gained a different personality. Thinking that since he has forgotten his trama his brain has built a new personality off of different core memories creating an Evan that is less full of anxiety? Idk I'm not a psychologist. Im thinking later Connor would slip up revelling to much of his actual life which leads Dr.S to believe that Evan has DID and that Connor is a new personality formed from the incident. He would think Connor's memories are actually a creation of a world Evan would have liked. His parents still being together-even though he knows it wouldn't work out in the long run which caused the 'dream' to go dark. Connor is like "I have no idea what you're talking about but if your chill with dealing with me I'm good" Dr.S continues to treat Connor as though 'Evan's fantasy' AKA Connor's real life is reality because he believes that this 'fantasy' is holding Evan dormant.) <- [This of course is just DR.S's psychological interpretation. Realty is that its just a bodyswap. However if you like that theory of Connor actually being a personality of Evan go right ahead a write that. I'm not stopping you]

Connor also gets to eat normal food like Pizza and tacos and anything that isnt some weird Vegan fat-free mess Cynthia makes

Connor gets he's space. Hes not constantly beaten down on by his parents for every step he takes. Heidi is incredibly chill. She's very worried about his well being but shes not invasive like his parents are who just want to tear him down. She continues to reiterate that she loves and supports him which allows Connor to slowly drop his walls.

With these supports in place Connor slowly begins to stop smoking/cutting (I have a feeling he may have also stopped at the begining because he respects the fact that this isnt his body and doesnt want to damage it but it is HARD) however most of his needs to cut/smoke are in his head. Which is awful because addiction is hard to quit. But he doesnt have to deal with physical withdrawal symptoms. (Headaches, nausea ect.) Which helps

Connor also stands up to Jared real quick so Jared learns to get his priorities straight or he finds himself left behind

Evan on the other hand has a whole family unit. He finally gets attention 24/7 which is great. Larry is a little harsh with him because hes Connor but it's less than usually since 'Connor' has no idea what hes talking about and doesnt give him a fight anymore. Cynthia is constantly hovering over him with scrapbooks to jog his memory. Zoe just tries to keep her distance but shes always in the background just staring at him trying to figure him out. The whole family is serriously just thrown off about how nice/figitty 'Connor' is. He's tripping over his words and apologizing as much as he breathes.

Evan does go through Connor's physical withdrawal because Evan is not about smoking. He suffers. The first day he keeps craving something but doesnt know what. He tells Cybthia who tries to help him match/satisfy it but nothing works. The next couple of dayd hes serriously sick/agitated. That's when Larry realised 'Connor' is going through withdrawls and is like "oh wow. Ok" and he starts being nicer. He is still somewhat stuck in the "what does it matter, Connor is going to go back to normal soon enough and it wont matter what he does right now" but Evan is being the perfect son so he cant really stay angry. He actually begins to bond with him again.

Evan just gets attention. He gets to sit down and have dinner and talk with people. He gets that family support hes been craving. He doesnt have to worry about being a financial burden because the Murphys are loaded

Evan would probably try to get close to Zoe but she pushes him away like nobody's business. Eventually she would cave and mabye do his nails or something but something about it feels off. Connor likes doing his nails and rn 'Connor ' seems to be very against the idea because "nail polish is for girls, what if people see it and think I'm a freak ect." So now shes even more suspicious about this whole amnesia thing. It wouldn't change her brother this much, would it?

Idk how Evan would think about everyone at school. Because they see him, they notice his existence but it's mostly out of fear and hatred. I feel like that would leave him a little bit panicked.

Anyway, after a week or two Connor goes over to his house to visit Evan and see how everything is being managed. Zoe sneaks a peek on them and notices something. Shes met Evan once or twice before so she didnt really make the connection until now when she can see them both. But 'Connor' is behaving like Evan, and 'Evan' is acting like Connor. Something is definitely off. She confronts them and without much of an argument to steer her off course they eventually give in and tell her what has been going on. She joins their team of figuring out what happened, how to go back and later in the story where the climax drama happens IF they should go back.

The IF drama is basically both parties know they have to go back but also dont want to....

It's just, Connor likes the freedom and trust Heidi gives him. He misses his sister but he also whitnessed his parents loving Evan more than they ever did to him. And that makes him furious because that means he was/will never be good enough for them. He takes this out on Evan since he knows Evan likes his family. He feels like Evan stole them from him even though he knows that's not true.

Evan wants his mom back. When he goes to visit 'Evan' hes a complete stranger to her and that hurts like hell. Plus He doesnt like being hated at school and furthermore he needs his therapy again. But the Murphy family is just so perfect. He has a father figure and a Mom whose always around and Zoe (who has become less of a crush through the experience and more a friend) and he doesnt have to listen to Jared being mean to him/claim they only hang out for car insurance. He has a strong support unit here and hes become more confident from the love they feed him.

So it's just this complicated mess of emotions.

I dont know how it would wrap up since they both have to go back but I think itd be really great to see these boys get better because their circumstances/situations switch. After all Tragedy is only a tragedy becuase the hero is in the wrong story. (I think I read that in a post talking about how Macbeth and Hamelt would have ended happily if only the two main characters were in each others stories since Macbeth would have killed the uncle real quick well Hamelt would have stopped to think instead of jumping in feet first. They made a good point and I want to apply that theory to this story)

Anyway those are my thoughts. Tag me if you write it

[dreamynightmare11]

I tried reposting it but couldn't add my reply to it so bada boom here it is. (Jus give it a like if you do see this so that I know you've read it..)

Hey Ty. It’s completely fine that you don’t talk to me or that we don’t talk anymore. There are a few people here on Tumblr who I clicked with because I found them to be nice, supportive and non-judgemental. And real. And honest about their issues.

About the support I give you, I give it because I know you deserve it and I know that your existence, your body doesn’t need any sort of hatred or negative energy by you. NO one’s body deserves that negativity. But I do understand that it’s not your fault. It’s just situations that happened in your life who are causing you to feel hurt and feel pain. And you know what? That’s fine. Feeling pain makes us human. As does crying. Feeling jealous. Getting frustrated. Just like laughing and smiling and hugging and cuddling and trusting people makes us human, feeling hurt makes us feel human too.

One thing I want to remind you is that I swear man, your worth is so much more than you think it is.

Your VALUE doesn’t decrease because of someone’s inability to see it. NOBODY’s value ever decreases because the people in their life are unable to see and acknowledge it. And I do know that relationships are supposed to be two-way but maybe, just maybe, those people have their own issues too. Their problems. Their breakdowns. And no I’m not writing this to say that your issues are smaller than theirs. Because we all got our own issues. Do you remember how in the past, someone once told you how much you’re worth to them, how much they appreciate your existence? I’m not trying to dig up past memories here, sorry if I do that. But what I’m saying is that IF you were worth anything in your past, then you are worth something today too. And you will always be worth something whether you’re a 6 year old kid or a 12yo kid or a 17 year old guy or a 22 year old guy or a 40 year old man going fishing and having the time of his life. So if you were worth anything years ago, then you’re worth something today. If you weren’t worth anything in the past, then people wouldn’t have invested their time and energy and patience and happiness ON you or WITH you. But see, they fvcking did. They did it because you fvcking deserve it, you deserve it just like every other person out there trying to navigate through life. Shit just happens sometimes.

It’s okay to be struggling and it’s okay to relapse. I’m sorry you had a year full of such crap. I’m sorry you lost friends, but don’t say that that includes me too because haha no that wouldn’t include me. One day you will understand why you had to fight so hard. The bad part is that I don’t know whether that one day will be this year, or next, or after 10 years. I ain’t no prediction person or astrologer. But trust me Tyler, one day you’ll look back and you’ll understand why you had to go through all the shit and pain you had to go through as a youngster. Andd you’re worth every ounce of effort other people put in you.

I just want to request you to try *not* solidifying yourself into loneliness. It’s in those dark times when the demon attacks our mind, steals our life away in front of our eyes and before you know it, all the effort and times you survived are suddenly worth nothing because then we have no one to communicate too. No one to talk to. The thing is that at some point, everyone is going to hurt us, Ty. We just have to find the ones worth suffering for. You maybe haven’t found this person yet, and it’s fine coz I mean you’re just 22 and you have so much more to live for. Unexpected turns and plot twists in life. But I think one way to release the hurt is by releasing people. The ones who truly touched your heart or caused you pain. Sure sometimes we’re unable to forget our past but sometimes we just need to release the burden of holding it in our heart. We might have to release people, events and things that happened in the past. Otherwise we remain stuck, sometimes forever but we can’t always move on without at least releasing something. Or maybe, release yourself. I mean emotionally & mentally, no physical context. You're like a Kintsugi, like so many other people. I wont define it, you can google it to see what I mean.

So I understand it’s hard. Very hard if you’re unwilling to do the following. But please, just please just try to start communicating with all the people in your direct environment. Maybe you will feel that your words don’t make sense but this time it’s *not* about your words, it’s about all the little efforts you put into start communicating with people around you. Now, you don’t need to be fake enough to go around and make jokes to your cousins if you don’t feel like doing that.

But let’s say, your mom/aunt/uncle wants to get the car’s gas filled? Maybe ask them if you can do it for them if they’re busy or have other stuff to do. That way, at least you won’t have an idle mind for destructive thoughts to breed in. Maybe if your cousin is studying a subject which u used to like in school, ask her what topic she’s in.

Where do you usually stay when you exclude yourself to loneliness? Are you in that place right now as u read this? Like RIGHT NOW? Well then, is it possible for you to leave it and maybe go somewhere else? Are people in your house watching TV rn? Excellent, u can try going there and joining them. You don’t need to talk if u dont want to. Just stay there and watch whatever’s on the TV, it’ll help u distract yourself. Maybe go get yourself a cup of water if someone’s in the kitchen. Are they cooking? Maybe u can ask them if they need your help with cooking. Just small random comments.

Then you can start saying longer sentences. You can listen to other people in your house talking about something and if someone makes a joke, then u can laugh. If someone is arguing about something, then innocently ask why they think that way about whatever they’re arguing about.

And one more thing which I think might really help you. I know that you might not have a stable relationship with your mom. But do you love her? Do you love her for giving you everything that you have and for raising you as a strong single mom? Do you, from your heart, hold love for her? If she’s living with you, then try finding a time when she’s alone. Not around people. Then go to her. Knock at the door and ask her if u can come in, because you want to talk about something important. Then go in and tell her to sit on the bed because you want to talk to her. You too sit, with some distance between you and her. Prepare yourself that *whatever* happens, you’re gonna talk to her about your REAL feelings and tell her what you think is going on in your life. Tell her that you want to apologise. You want to apologise for cutting communication with her for so long. Apologise for never telling her your real feelings and for not being open with her. THEN, tell her the reason behind it. Tell her how you actually feel about yourself. Tell her how u hate feeling vulnerable, and how you feel unable to go talk to people. Tell her how you sometimes feel like the words you say don’t make enough sense to other people so THAT’s why you have been excluding yourself from everything. Look into her eyes, not angrily but just expecting her to absorb whatever u say. Tell her that you want to try being open now and you need her help. Tell her that from today, you’ll remind her everyday that you love her and you want to request her to remind you too that she loves you. Tell her that you want to rebuild the mother-son relationship there is between you and her. Tell her that sometimes you might accidentally fall back, and to forgive you for that. Tell her how she herself makes you feel, not angrily but rawly, understandingly. With your true raw feelings, without hiding anything. Be raw, as if you’re just tired of all the crap and now you want to start loving again.

Not just to her, but slowly do it to everyone else in your family, to the ones you *do* love. Can be your cousin, nephew, uncle, aunt, and maybe.. maybe Kailey too? I dont know. And from now on, IF it’s possible for you, try not to shut people out. Especially when they come to you or communicate with u in anyway.

I’m not telling u to smile and be energetic again and full of life. But slowly, try investing time and patience and love in your relationships. Because though my 16-year-old self is quite inexperienced in this stuff, I think talking it out is one of the best ways to slowly solve things out. It’s gonna take time but just try telling your loved ones that you do love them from your heart. It’s gonna take time because it might just turn out to be a nice slow permanent change in life. And if you fail, bother not. You can give yourself some time and then start again.

Btw you don’t need to reply to this too, forreal u don’t need to. Jus maybe give it a like or something so at least I know you’ve seen it, that’s it. Hope I helped, best of luck for the journey

[citrus-feline]

lets be real tho. depression? not getting any better. my fault? yeah. but uh. what do i fuckin do about that? all the shit i need to do to make my depression ��better” is shit i can’t do cuz of the fuckin depression i got. im like tryin to think about ways around it and like dude i am making steps to try to get outta this pit but it really doesn’t seem to be working at all. the only things keeping me from sleeping all day is my dad and jordan. and even then its like still “hhhh i like. want to talk to you. but i also wanna nap...... nah, i should keep talking... its good for me...... *5 min later* hey im gonna go take a nap.”

like. i used to think that the absolute bottom of depression is suicide, but like, YEAH, i think about that stuff a lot, but im like. used to pushing those thoughts away. im easily in one of the worst depressions of my life rn and i’ve realized that, huh, maybe being depressed as fuck doesn’t require wanting to actively commit suicide every minute? like sure, i think things would be better if i did just like have a heart attack and died, but like. i’ve got systems about dealing with that now at this point in my life. i say that kinda shit and its like “yeah, thats true, but only for part of me. some things are really good, and i love people who love me back. it would be shitty for me to leave them like that”. like, i dunno man. part of how bad it is rn is my apathy with shit like suicidal thoughts. like, hey, i feel like hurting myself. whatever, im too depressed to get out of bed to do anything anyways.

like im not as bad as possible. i could never leave my room. and some days i don’t. but for the most part i make myself at least go upstairs and try to drink something and maybe eat if im up for it. i force myself to take my meds every day cuz i know im 1 million times worse without them, also i dont wanna deal with withdrawal headaches. i could like, avoid eating or taking meds all together. but that doesn’t mean im not bad. like. i can laugh and have fun with activities every now and then, but thats like the only thing keeping me from going completely numb. if it wasn’t for other people helping me laugh and gently pushing me to do stuff like shower and eat i would literally be my worst, lying in bed all day and leaving only to go to the bathroom.

i feel shitty about it, cuz i want to get better, i do. i just feel like i can’t. right now is a tough time for me where motivation is at an all time low. i might get a little excited and say “im gonna do this and this”, but inevitably i probably won’t do that unless someone else is there to push me. and even then i may still just give up. my depression will fuckin catch me when im having a good time, it will say “hey im here” and then my mood will just plummet again. ill be laughing and having fun talking to friends online but then BOOM, you’re sad as fuck. go take a nap, shithead. and i will. i go take a nap. even tho i know i shouldnt, i do. cuz like. what obligations do i have? in nearly all ways i am like the ultimate burden / freeloader. i try real hard to not feel shitty about it and like justify it with “you’re very mentally ill and can’t help it” or even “people like having you around” but like? fuck if i actually don’t believe that in the end.

i was talkin about hospitals today and like. i just thought. is that where i belong? i live my life like a very sick person. and i am “sick” in my own way, but is it really real? is it really justified for me to exist for the sake of existing? am i really okay with this? no, im not. but i would feel even worse if i made myself suffer by getting fired from another job. are things bad? in my environment, absolutely not. people support and love me and fucking do all this shit and take care of me for absolutely no gain for themselves, and yet i am still this fucking huge burden on the fucking lives of the people i care about. “you’re doing your best” “we love you” yeah, i know, and that just makes me feel worse, cuz you gotta love a shitty person like me who can’t do anything even when they are doing their fucking best.

this post went in a different direction than i expected, but whatever. im like. angry at myself now. i want to grit my teeth and fucking punch something. but if i do that i know ill feel worse cuz i do that shit where i always pull the punch last second, even if i REALLY don’t want to. my hesitation is what makes this all worse. if i had the nerve to commit to shit i feel like i wouldn’t be in the situation. even for shit that doesn’t matter like punching a fucking pillow, i can’t do that right. i try, fucking believe me, but that doesn’t matter. im still just shitty me living my life filled with great shit that i fail to appreciate. and its so easy to fucking say “yeah, it’s my depression” but is that really fucking true? or am i lying to myself so i don’t just wait in my bed until i die? its getting to the point where i can’t tell if its depression or my inherent weakness. is it the chemicals in my head, or is it actually me as a fucking person that is seriously fucked up? what if my brother is right and im just a fucking loser that makes the excuse of depression so i dont fucking kill myself right now? like, what the fuck? what am i doing? shit isnt bad at all for me, and yet here i fucking am, screaming into the void about how much i fucking hate myself.

i want to blame people for this. i want to blame my mom. i want to blame my sister. i want to blame my brother. i want to blame the kids at school. i want to fucking blame everyone for why im like this. but i think im just meant to be broken. does a god really exist if i live like this? is there really a plan for me? is there meaning to my life at all besides being a burden on the people i love? i want to run away just so they don’thave to fucking deal with me anymore. im such a waste of space time and money. i dont care if im a “good person”, does tha treally make it okay for me to just freeload and kill the people i love just by fucking existing? i iknow they love me, and ilove them too, more than youcan fucking imagine, but odes that really justify it? does that make it okay?

i keep thinking im okay with this, im getting used to being this fucked up shell of a human being, but im not. im not. im not im not im not im not. i hope that if i get ssi i might stop feeling like this, and i might believe that people actually want me around, because ill be able to carry my own price at least a little. but with how things are, i don’t know. i don’t fucking know. im so fucking scared. i want things to go well but i just know they wont. what happens if they dont believe me about my depression? what happens if they push me away and tell me to get off of my ass? will i? no. i’ll kill myself. its literally that fucking simple. but what kind of fucking nerve do i have to do that kind of shit? i DONT. im a piece of shit who is so fucking ruined that i can’t even kill myself. im such a fucking mess. i wish i didn’t have to be this way. i wish i was fucking normal. i wish i could live up to the expectations they had of me. i was so smart and talented. but now im just a shithead ranting on tumblr about how i want to die.

what the fuck is wrong with me