#i dont have any motivation left to job search

[paper-records]

.

[bazoonga-bazinga]

watching tua s4 knowing fully how its going to disappoint me rn and something that keeps bothering me is just how awful it is that they dont show what happens during the 6 year time skip.

like in season 2 we get to see an abridged version of how everyone got to where they are. this allowed for me as viewer to at least undertsand the reasoning behind the siblings' actions and conflicts. but in season 4 there is just none of that.

instead we only get to see the after of the timeskip. Whatever bits we do hear abt the time in between are extremly limited because they are things that are told to us from biased/flawed/one-sided perspectives. I as a viewer do not get a clear idea of why any of the 8 charcters of the main cast change the way they do becuase i am never shown how this change ocurred. its more i am told things and have to accept because of the 6 year gap.

lila and diego's strained marriage is actually i think the only they showed without telling to an extent. but it still would have also been nice to see thier struggles transitioning to suburbia and would also aid me to better understand why neither of them tried to find an adequate balance in the 6 years. also like why is diego working as a delivery driver? in my mind it makes more sense for him to be a mediocre private investgator or something like that? idk just some more context behind the tension and thier decsions (especially lila dear god dont even get me started) would have been wonderful

viktor's journey to Canada and his distancing from the others sounded interesting and i would have loved to see that on screen. he clearly is unable to form long lasting intamate relationships and showing his life in the time gap would have been a great way to show his journey of accepting the loss of sissy.

allison was definitely hit hard by the lack of explanation. i understand the scheduling issues with raymond's actor but it truly was a heavy blow to season 3 allison actions when they just said he left with no other explanation. most of her conflicts in season 3 were motivated by the loss of claire and raymond and you are telling me she just lost 50% of that a year afterwards? and like this doesnt get mentioned until episode 3??

i actually enjoyed klaus's shift to a risk averse person and it did make sense to me after losing his immortality to become more aware of not only his but his loved ones mortality. the biggest glaring issue is the one everyone has talked about: the lack of dave. i think if they had shown klaus trying to find info on dave and/or even visiting his grave in the timeskip it would been fine with me that he wouldn't mention dave that much. but the dog tags being on screen and him not saying anything is actually inasne??? also it sounds like there was definitely more to his sobriety than what they have told sad that we didnt get to see that storyline....

everyone has said thier piece on how luther just mentioning sloane and then no other explanation is actually awful. like a simple flashback fo luther searching and finding sloane living a different life would have been better than them giving us nothing💀

ben i actually have nothing to say...it would have been silly to see the crypto scam ig. also an explanation of why they even showed the other ben the post credit of the s3 finale i think is warranted. like even a mention of yeah there is probably another ben who belongs to this universe walking around would have been okay ig

five oh where to even begin.... first of all how tf does a person who isnt even in thier 20s even get a gig at the cia. i know they said some bullahit abt five being a part of a relative young group/recruit (cant remember the exact wording) but like a person who is younger than 19 getting a job at the cia is a bit much. also i actually refuse to belive that five wouldn't have figured out his boss was part of the keepers there is just no way. after the handler and reggie i refuse to belive that five would lose his suspicion towards authority figures. i think the only authority figure he has ever listened to was the founder version of himself and even that took time. like if you want me to believe that bs then show me how five turned his brain into mush in the 6 year time skip. either that or show how me his loneliness in those six year because from what i have right now five worked at the cia and that is it nothing else. like from what i have been told by the show nothing else happended to him besides working. which if thier implication is that he was only working and drifted apart from his siblings that message was not clear enough to me as viewer and would have been alot clearer if i was shown such as thing.

[thegreatestofheck]

dark of the night [A. Hotchner]

word count – 25,555 (its so long im so sorry) warnings - a lot, blood, torture, mentions (but no descriptions) of sexual assault/rape, murder, canon violence stuff, this is essentially a hurt/comfort fic so expect a lot of hurt to come before the comfort, also a slow burn. synopsis - an agent gets taken in the middle of an investigation. in a race against time, the team at the bau must find her by diving into her deepest secrets. when a video tape arrives with horrible images of the state of their friends, aaron hotchner realizes just how terrified he is of losing her.  tagging: @magicalbluepanther (i hope you don’t mind the tag lol) a/n – did anyone order an extra long aaron hotchner slow burn? Because here you’ve got one. so my mental health is declining again and that means I have to write a criminal minds one shot that involves a lot of hurt/comfort. also I gave y/n a name because i don’t really like y/l/n or anything, but you’re more than welcome to replace it with your own! please dont be mad at me. anyway, stay happy, healthy, safe, and groovy!

The moment Agent Hotchner realized that she wasn’t coming back, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. It had happened once before, this feeling, the day he was in his car and he got that call from Foyet and heard Hayley’s muffled sobbing over the phone. Panic settled into his bones, unable to shake it away even as the terrified eyes of the rest of the team looked his way. 

“Did we just lose her?” Emily Prentiss asked, her words wavering ever so slightly as she tried to keep herself calm. 

At the sound of her voice, Hotch finally found himself able to look around the room. 

Morgan had shifted his eyes back to the door that his friend was supposed to come through. Reid stared at Hotch, wide eyed, lips parted. JJ was chewing on her thumb nail, waiting for Hotch to do something, say something. Emily was looking between the door and Hotch. Rossi was standing behind him, so he couldn’t see the look on his face, but Hotch couldn’t imagine he looked any different than the rest of his team. 

Agent Evelyn Caro had walked into the meeting, undercover, in hopes of baiting a serial killer into a quick and easy arrest. After three years of horrific killings, the BAU team was so close to catching him and Agent Caro was more than willing to be the one to take him down. 

Hotch knew this particular case was a sore spot for Caro, as all torture/murder cases were. But during this entire case, she had been far more on edge and far more eager to tear their suspect to shreds. He shouldn’t have let her go to the meeting, he knew it was too personal for her, even if she had never told him why. 

She had refused to take in a ear piece, said that the stories that would be told at the meeting were personal and their privacy was to be respected. Hotch trusted her. He agreed. They all stood outside and waited. The meeting should have been only two hours, Caro promised that she would be back with the suspect in less than three hours. 

But it had now been three hours and almost thirty minutes. The door hadn’t opened a single time since the last of the members of the meeting left, all except Caro and the suspect. 

She fit his physical appearance preference and possessed the confidence he appeared to have deep hatred for. It should have been an easy job. 

“What went wrong?” Hotch murmured out loud, more to himself. 

His words seemed to trigger something in Morgan, who pushed open the van door and unholestered his weapon before anybody could stop him. 

“Morgan!” Rossi yelled after him, but there was no slowing down, and once Morgan was running toward the meeting building, Emily and Reid were on his tail. 

“Hotch, what do we do?” JJ asked, turning toward him as Rossi hopped out of the car to go after his peers. 

Hotch ran through every single protocol that he knew like the back of his hand. They flitted through his brain like smoke, a flurry of useless words and numbers that meant nothing to him. Not a single one told him how to deal with this. Tightness squeezed at his chest as the rules and regulations he clung so tightly to began to fail him once again. 

“We find her.” 

Gun drawn, Hotch entered the building with JJ on his tail. His heart pounded in his chest, but he kept his composure about him. The same couldn’t be said for some of the others. 

“Evie!” Morgan called out, kicking down a door. 

“Evelyn?” Rossi’s voice echoed through elementary school. 

Hotch was seconds away from calling out her name himself, but he kept his jaw clenched tight. JJ followed every move he made. If he lost himself now, so would JJ. He needed at least one person on his side whose head was still level. 

They scoured the entire grounds, but they could find nothing. The room where the meeting had taken place was empty. Not even the leader was there anymore. This dark room was where the team met up after searching every inch of the grounds. 

There was silence for an eternity as they passed glances between each other, wordlessly asking if anyone had found anything. 

“There’s not even a footprint,” Morgan said helplessly, his eyebrows pulled together in concern. 

“I didn’t hear her scream.” JJ’s voice was weak and her eyes downcast. 

“None of us did,” Rossi replied. 

“We have to find her quickly,” Hotch said, finally trusting himself enough to speak. “He only keeps his victims for five days and if he knows she’s FBI, it’s probably less than that.” 

“I’ll call Garcia, track Evie’s phone,” Morgan said, pulling out his phone and turning away from the group. 

“We start from the ground up,” Hotch instructed. “Right now, Agent Caro isn’t our coworker but a victim and we have to treat her as such if we want to find her. Dig into her life, figure out what connects her to the other victims. Did he take her because she’s FBI or because she’s connected to the others. Morgan?”

“Her phone’s off,” Morgan said, pulling the phone away from his ear. 

“Tell Garcia to look for a connection between all of the victims. Dig and dig deep. Hold nothing back.”

Morgan paused for a moment. They all remembered when they had to do this very thing to him, when he was a suspect all those years ago. He knew what it was like to have his friends digging into a personal life he long wanted buried, how they looked at him differently after they knew, even if they didn’t mean to. He didn’t understand then, that they were trying to help, but he did now. There was no time to hesitate. This was Evelyn they were talking about. 

“Garcia, give me everything on Evelyn Caro that you can find. Dig deep. She needs us,” Morgan said. 

“Got it.” 

“Call me when you get anything.” 

“Yup.” 

She ended the call and Morgan turned back to the team. 

“Garcia’s on it.” 

“Okay, then we need to get back to the station and look at everything again. We have a name. We know it’s him. We just need to find them.” Hotch turned away from the team and started for the exit. “No one goes home until we find her.” 

___

Hotch meant what he said, but no one needed to be told twice. Red rimmed eyes scanned the same files over and over and over again as they waited for any amount of information from Garcia. 

“There has to be something here,” Morgan said with a frustrated sigh. “Something we’re missing.” 

“Why did he take her?” JJ asked as she set down her file. The woman rubbed her eyes before crossing her arms and looking up at the rest of the room. “I mean, what changed in that room that made him want her?”

“He found out she was FBI?” Reid suggested, leaning back in his chair. 

“How though?” Rossi piped in from his position leaning up against the wall. “Caro isn’t dumb enough to reveal herself, we were careful.” 

“She must have said something in that meeting that convinced him that she was a good target,” Hotch said. He could feel all eyes on him as he watched the ground, unable to meet any of their gazes. “Maybe this is how he finds his victims. At these group meetings.” 

“So we sent Evie into a death trap.” Morgan shoved his chair away from the table and stood, hands on his hips as he breathed heavily. 

“We have to figure out what connects her to the other victims,” Emily said. “Just like any other case.” 

“But this isn’t any other case is it?” 

“Morgan-” 

“This is Evelyn we’re talking about!” 

“Morgan, I need you to calm down,” Hotch said, standing from his place. 

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Hotch.” Morgan trembled with rage, his eyes glazed over with water. “You can’t expect me to sit here and-” 

“I expect you to do your job, Agent Morgan, seeing as that is the only thing that will get Caro back home.” Hotch struggled to keep his voice low. He curled his fists so the others couldn’t see how badly his hands were shaking. 

“You think we’ll get her back?” 

“If you do your job.” 

Morgan breathed in deeply and nodded his head. Before he sat back down, Morgan put his hand on Reid’s shoulder. The kid had his hand covering his mouth, his eyes glazed over like Morgan’s had been. 

Hotch knew how close Morgan and Caro were. Ever since she signed on to the team, the two had been nearly inseparable. Hotch wondered if it was something he needed to discuss with them. Every time that he seriously considered it, he had to question his motivations. Was it to keep complications out of their team or was it something else, something he wasn’t ready to admit? 

Turning his eyes away from Reid and Morgan, Hotch opened his mouth to address the team when Garcia stepped into the open doorway. They all turned to look at her only to see that her cheeks were streaked with tears as she clutched a file in her hands. 

“Garcia, what is it?” Emily stood and walked toward her, a hand out open for her. 

“You...you told me to dig deep so I did,” she stammered. “I...I did and I found...oh, God.” 

“Come in,” Hotch said, trying to smooth the furrow in his brows. 

Garcia took Emily’s hand and shuffled into the briefing room, sniffling through her tears. 

“Our poor baby girl,” Garcia said, setting the file gently onto the round table as if it was fragile. “She never told us-” 

“Garcia.” 

Garcia cleared her throat and nodded her head, flipping the file open. The team crowded around the table. Staring up at them was a picture of a young girl, her face purpled and bloody. Morgan clenched his jaw, Reid turned his face away from the picture. 

“Is that Caro?” JJ asked, her hand hovering over her mouth. 

Hotch had seen this picture before, attached to the file so covered in black redacted lines that he barely gleaned anything from it. But there were no more black lines. Everything about Agent Caro was there for him to read. Her life was an open book for him. This was his job, the only way to get her back, so why did he feel so dirty doing it? 

“When Evie-”

“Evelyn,” Hotch corrected. “She can’t be our friend right now.”

Garcia nodded, her eyes still glassy. 

“When Evelyn Caro was 12 years old, she was kidnapped from her front lawn. She was held captive by her...by her uncle for four years. He did...he did horrible things to her...I’m sorry-” 

Garcia choked, turning away from the file. Morgan put his hand on Garcia’s shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze. 

“She was held by her uncle,” Hotch continued, eyes scanning the page, when it was clear that Garcia wouldn’t be able to. “There were clear signs of r-pe and physical violence, even though she never spoke about it afterward.” 

“She was held captive by her uncle?” Morgan asked. “How did no one know it was him?”

“Police talked to everyone in the family,” Garcia said, turning back into the conversation. “He was never on their serious list of suspects.” 

“How did she get out?” Rossi asked from his place near the back of the crowd.

“She broke out,” Garcia said, her voice like iron even as her lower lip trembled. “She stabbed that son of a bitch the moment she got the chance and she ran until someone found her.” 

“She killed him?” JJ asked. 

Hotch let out a heavy sigh. Something like pride blossomed in his chest. Maybe it was vindication. He would have killed the bastard himself. 

“Why wouldn’t she tell us?” Reid asked, looking up at Hotch like a lost dog. 

“We all have secrets we’ve kept from each other,” Hotch told him, even though he was wondering the same thing. “Now we need to figure out if this is somehow related to why he took her.” 

There was a moment of silence hanging over the room. 

“Garcia, look into the lives of the other women again,” he continued. “See if there is any kind of connection.” 

“I’m on it.”

There was a new kind of determination in her voice, like a fire was lit underneath her.

“Videos of the other victims were sent to the families of the victims,” Hotch said, looking back at the rest of the team. “JJ, contact her brother, see if he’s received anything and tell him to contact us as soon as he is.”

“Yes, sir.”

“What about the rest of us?” 

Once again, all eyes were on Hotch, expecting him to have all of the answers. But he didn’t. He didn’t know anything. 

“Do your jobs.”

___

When the video was sent to her family, it wasn’t her estranged brother who received it. 

“Hotch.” Morgan’s voice was shaking as he picked up the yellow envelope on his desk. “Hotch!” 

As soon as Hotch saw the package he knew what had to be in it. He had seen four of them before all from the previous victims’ families. His heart constricted in his chest. He knew what they were about to watch. Their team member, their friend. 

Grinding his teeth together to keep his face straight, Hotch took the package from Morgan and started back for the briefing room. 

“Do you want me to round up the team?” Morgan asked. 

“You guys shouldn’t have to watch this,” Hotch told him. 

“You’re not watching it alone.” 

Without another word, Morgan went to collect the others. 

Once they were all in the briefing room, Garcia put the recording onto the big screen. 

“You don’t-” 

“We’re staying,” JJ said, her fingers laced with Emily’s. 

Hotch nodded once before looking over at Garcia and signaling her to start the video. 

As soon as Garcia hit the play button, Morgan put an arm around her shoulder and she put a hand up to her mouth. Hotch leaned against a chair, his knuckles going white. 

The screen was black for a few moments. When it turned on, Agent Evelyn Caro was sitting half naked on a cot. Bruises littered her body, her ribs on the left side blackened. A cut ran across a purple cheek with dried blood running down her face. One of her eyes was black. But Caro stared straight ahead of her, eyes made of steal. 

“Oh, baby,” Garcia breathed. 

The room was small, bland. It looked cold. 

A man stepped into the frame. Caro didn’t even look at him, she just kept staring straight ahead. Before he even said anything, he raised a hand and slapped her across the face. Reid flinched, but none of them turned away. Their attention needed to be on this video, gleaning as much information as they could to get her home. Hotch refused to let her suffering go to waste. He would watch every second of it, no matter how much his stomach burned with hatred. 

Caro barely reacted to the backhand, her head snapping to the side, but the rest of her body stayed in the same place, her hands clasped together in her lap. When she straightened her head, blood trickled down from her lip. She lifted a hand to wipe the blood away before looking up at the man. Her eyes carried the heat of a thousand suns as she looked at her assailant, almost as if daring him to touch her again. That was the Caro that Hotch knew. She would never back down, never give in. 

“What do you want?” She asked. 

Hearing her voice so raw sent a chill down Hotch’s spine. Everything about this was wrong. 

“I know what happened to you when you were young,” the man said, walking in front of her. 

Caro clenched her jaw and turned her face forward once again, seeming to pretend that he wasn’t there. 

“Does this feel familiar to you?” the man asked, spinning in a circle. “The room, the bed, the chain.” 

Hotch’s eyes shifted away from Caro and he looked more at the bed. There was indeed a chain attached to the metal of the bed frame. Caro’s jaw tightened again and Hotch watched as she ran a finger over a scar he had seen on her wrist a million times before but never asked her about. He could only imagine a young Agent Caro, chained to a bed. She carried that scar around with her and he had never even cared enough to ask her about it. 

“It’s exactly the same,” Caro said.

The man sat next to her and still Caro didn’t flinch. Not even her breathing changed. Amidst his anger and his fear, Hotch felt pride. Damn right she would not even acknowledge him. Hotch expected nothing less from her. Though he wouldn’t fault her if she did. 

The Unsub put his hand on her knee and Hotch’s eyes went red. His ears rang, his heart pounding like a drum in his chest. He watched Caro look down at the Unsub’s hand and Hotch noticed a slight tremble in her body. Her shaking was rage, not fear. He knew her well enough to know that. 

“What do you want?” The tremor reached her voice. Hotch could see her holding back from killing the unsub then and there. Her restraint told him that her captor was the only way out of her room. If she killed him now, she would be trapped. 

The unsub sighed and tilted his head to the side, his eyes fixed on the ground. 

“I want to break you,” he said.

Hotch clenched his jaw, but still Caro’s face stayed straight. She didn’t even blink. The words ‘I dare you to try’ never even passed her lips, but it was a clear challenge in her eyes. 

The image cut and Hotch almost thought that was going to be the end. But then it suddenly clicked on. Caro was slowly sitting up from laying on the bed. The unsub was halfway in the frame, buckling his belt. Hotch heard a quiet ‘oh’ come from Garcia and when he glanced over at her, he noticed tears in Morgan’s eyes. 

Caro seemed stiff as she sat up. The chain that had before been only attached to the bed was now shackled to her wrist. Hotch watched her grimace as she moved her feet to the ground. Her toes curled, telling Hotch that the ground was cold. The entire room must have been freezing. 

A silence hung over the team as they waited for something to happen. 

“You’re tough, I’ll give you that,” the unsub said. Caro refused to look at him. “The other girls gave in at this point.” 

“And then you killed them.” Caro looked over at him, moving slowly and clearly despite the pain that was obvious settling into her bones. 

The unsub shrugged his shoulders, a proud smile on his face. 

“Some girls seem to think that death is better than what I did to them,” he said. “But maybe you kind of like it.” 

Caro pulled harshly against her chain, shutting her eyes and turning her face away from him. 

“Son of a bitch,” Rossi breathed. Hotch refrained from looking back at him. 

“How does she not strangle him?” JJ asked. Her words were tight from the swelling in her throat. 

“He’s her only way out of that room,” Hotch told her. “She kills him and she starves in there.” 

“Not if we find her.” 

They fell quiet again, just soon enough to hear a low rumble of a laugh from the man. 

“I see I struck a nerve.” The unsub said. 

Caro steadied her breathing and straightened her shoulders. 

“I’m not surprised you’ve lasted longer than the other girls, being an FBI agent and all. I wonder how your friends are doing.” 

Caro pulled against the chain again, her eyes squeezing tighter. 

“Ah, another nerve. Should we poke at that one a bit more?” 

The unsub stepped out of the frame. For the briefest moment, with his back turned on her, Caro’s eyes flicked toward the camera. 

“She knows it’s there,” Reid said. “She knows about the camera.” 

Caro sucked in a deep breath and gave a short nod of her head. She knew her taker’s MO. She knew about the videos and the envelope. She knew they were watching her, and she was telling them that she was okay. 

When the unsub walked back into frame, he was holding something in his hands. With his back to the camera, they couldn’t get a good look at what he was holding.

“I am aware that your brother is the only remaining relative of yours who will speak to you, is that correct?” The unsub said.

Caro breathed deeply in once, her eyes staring straight through the unsub.

“This is him and his wife, their two daughters. Beautiful family. When was the last time you spoke to them?”

Agent Caro’s eyes moved from the unsub to the object in his hand and her eyes immediately welled up with tears. The unsub clicked his tongue.

“It’s the shame, isn’t it? It eats you up inside. You can’t bear the thought of tainting your brother and his perfect family with your past.”

She closed her eyes and turned her face away.

“This is Penelope Garcia, yes?”

Garcia straightened her back, surprised at hearing her name.

Caro opened her eyes and Hotch noticed a drastic shift in her breathing. Once steady and calm, her chest now rose and fell at an uneven pace. Her eyes darted between whatever the unsub was holding and his face.

“Jennifer Jareau?”

The unsub tossed something onto the bed next to Caro. And then another.

“David Rossi?”

For the first time, Caro flinched as he flicked what Hotch was starting to realize was a picture in her direction.

“Emily Prentiss. Spencer Reid.”

Two more pictures were thrown at her and Caro flinched twice more.

“Derek Morgan.”

A fire lit in Caro’s eyes as she stared up at him again.

“Aaron Hotchner.”

Before he could even throw the picture her way, Caro jumped up from the bed and charged at him, pulling on the chair.

“If you touch them, I swear I’ll kill you,” she seethed.

The unsub shoved her backward onto the bed, but she scrambled up again. He hit her across the face, sending her back with a yelp. Breathing heavily, she turned to look at him, like a rabid dog.

“That’s a hard promise to make seeing as you are chained to a bed and I am not.”

“She has to know that he can’t hurt us,” Emily said, looking to Hotch for answers.

“She’s panicking,” Hotch replied. His knuckles tightened over the chairs.

“You think I won’t go after them?” the unsub said as he dropped a hand onto her shoulder.

Caro turned her face away from him and shook her head.

“You can’t,” she said. Her voice was growing weak, shaking more. “They’re FBI, you can’t just-“

She didn’t get the chance to finish before the unsub threw a fist across her face.

“I won’t even have to hurt them though, will I?” The unsub sneered, bending down close to her face. “I bet by now they know every dark secret about your past. Every skeleton in your closet. They know about the blood on your hands.”

Hotch had read her file that Garcia dug up a thousand times over in the last few days since she found it. Something in him told him he had to, though another part of him wanted to wait until Caro was there to tell him herself. But she deserved better than for her story to go unknown. She deserved to have someone know.

“No,” Caro whimpered.

“You really think they’ll accept you after that?” The unsub let out a laugh.

“Evie, we love you,” Garcia said as she took a step forward. “Evie-“

“Garcia, quiet,” Hotch said, putting out a hand.

“Sir, she has to know, she has to know.”

Morgan put his arm back around Garcia and pulled her in for a hug.

“She knows,” he whispered to her.

“You lost your family once because of what you did to your uncle,” the unsub said. “Now you’ll lose another.”

“No!”

Caro threw herself at the unsub once again, her fists flying. Hotch had seen her fight before. She was well trained, and she was calculated, confident. But this was animalistic. This was pure instinct. Her punches were weak and light, hitting the places of the unsub where very little damage would be done. The chain prevented any real effort from her, though the bed shook and rattled as she yanked against the metal. It didn’t take him long to wrestle her onto the bed, pinning her down by her arms.

Her face was clearly displayed to the camera. She breathed sporadically, panting and gasping for air. Sweat beaded down her battered face. Her eyes were wide and flitting back and forth, terrified.

“How would you feel if I paid one of them a visit, huh?” The unsub asked, his nose brushing against her cheek.

Caro struggled, a growl of frustration strangled in her sore throat.

“That Spencer Reid lives alone, doesn’t he?”

Rossi put a hand on Reid’s shoulder, who had suddenly gone pale.

“Don’t touch him!” She thrashed again, trying to throw the unsub off of her. She tried to kick her feet, but they were effectively pinned under her by the weight of the unsub. She grunted and groaned in the effort it took to try and get him off of her.

“I doubt it would take much to strangle that skinny neck of his.”

Caro suddenly stopped struggled. The sweat that pooled down her cheeks suddenly started to look more like tears as her body went still.

“Please don’t hurt them,” she said, her voice quiet.

“What, you don’t want me creeping into Emily’s apartment tonight, pay her a little visit?”

Caro let out a quiet sound, something that was almost like a sob.

“Please.”

“What will you do for me in return?” He asked, pressing still closer to her face.

Caro rolled her head back and forth on the bed and Hotch could see the tears that pooled in her eyes.

“Anything.”

“Anything?”

She just nodded her head, lower lip quavering.

“Don’t give up, baby girl,” Morgan whispered. Garcia clung tighter to his hand.

“Well, well,” the unsub said with a sigh as he sat up, releasing Caro from his hold. Her body sagged even further into the cot. He stepped away from the cot and bent down to pick up some of the pictures that fell to the floor. “There isn’t really anything I want from you just now, so I might go and visit one of your friends just to keep you on your toes.”

“No!” Caro leapt from the bed and attached herself to the unsub’s back.

He threw her against back against the cot. Hotch could see him lift his hand to deliver hit after hit to his agent, but he was grateful that the unsub’s back blocked the view of the camera. He didn’t think he could stand to watch her get beaten.

Caro was surprisingly silent as the unsub hit her.

It was over relatively quickly. The unsub straightened himself out, squaring his shoulders. Without a word, he turned to the camera and walked toward it. Caro let out a quiet groan just before the unsub picked up the camera and shut it off.

There was a heavy silence that fell over the team.

“What the hell did we just watch?” Emily asked, setting her eyes on Hotch.

They were once again expecting him to have all the answers, but he had nothing to say. His hands were cramping from how hard he was clenching onto the chair. It took all the strength in him not to throw it across the room. Caro should be here with them, not in that room, not with that man.

“Garcia, can you play the end again and turn up the volume?” Rossi asked.

“No offense, sir,” Garcia said, teary eyed. “But I can’t watch that again.”

“Just the very end, as he’s walking toward the camera. Agent Caro said something.”

“Did she?” JJ asked, crossing her arms.

Garcia pressed a few buttons on her laptop and the video returned. Hotch was almost tempted to look away. The audio was louder as the unsub heaved out an exhausted sigh and started walking toward the camera. And then they heard it, the quiet groan. But it wasn’t a groan at all. She had said something, just a quiet name.

His name.

Aaron.

___

Sitting at his desk, Hotch couldn’t seem to lift his heavy head from his hands. The window, which was almost always closed, was wide open. His office was too stuffy, too hot. He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t get the sound of his name from her lips out of his head.

A knock came to his door and he finally lifted his head. Rossi was standing there with his usual “something is wrong and I’m going to fix it” face. Hotch wasn’t sure if he was in the mood for this conversation.

“What can I do for you, David?”

“We have to talk about what just happened,” Rossi said.

“I don’t really think-“

“Aaron, listen to me,” Rossi said, walking into the room. “Evelyn needs you right now.”

“There’s nothing I can do that the team isn’t already doing.”

“She said your name.”

“I know that. You think I don’t know that?” Hotch’s tone was a little sharper than he meant it to be. He let out a sigh and stretched out his fingers.

Rossi sat down across from him.

“Why? We all know that she’s closest with Morgan, so why say your name?” Rossi asked. Hotch squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. The exhaustion headache that was plaguing him wasn’t helping the fact that thinking about who Caro was and wasn’t closest with lit a fire in his gut. “And why your first name? She only ever called you Hotch, like the rest of us.”

“That’s not true,” Hotch said, memorizing the lines on his hands so he wouldn’t have to look at Rossi.

“What isn’t?”

“She’s called me Aaron.”

“When?”

“When she was angry with me,” Hotch said. The thought of it pained him. He could hear her sharp tone, the way she hissed his name like venom. When she thought he was too cold, too apathetic.

“Or….”

“Or what?”

There was another time when she called him Aaron. Three other times.

On the worst day of his life, when he held Hayley’s body in his arms, Caro had sat next to him on the floor. People were calling his name. “Hotch, Hotch, Hotchner.”

She sat there on the ground and whispered his name just once, “Aaron.” It was quiet, like a pin dropping during a storm. But still he heard her.

“Aaron, your son,” she said.

That decision, to stay with Hayley or go find Jack, tore his soul into pieces until she spoke again.

“I’ll stay with her.”

The second time was a few weeks after Hayley’s death. Hotch wasn’t handling it well, or at all. She saw right through the façade that he had put forward. He was at the office late one night and so was she. Even when he tried to send her home, she politely refused, saying there was a lot of work she needed to get done.

He spent hours in his office, the grief and the sorrow and the shame building and building and building until he was suddenly standing over his desk. Everything here reminded him of Hayley. The baseball, the picture of Jack, even the piles of papers that were stacked high, shaming him for not being there for her more.

The only way to keep himself from crying was to let the anger take over. Anger at Foyet, anger at the job, anger at the world, anger at himself. Forgetting where he was, Hotch had dumped everything off of his desk with one sweep of his arm.

Collapsing to the ground, Hotch didn’t remember how long he sat there, leaning against his desk, hyperventilating, until Caro walked in. She didn’t say anything to him. She just lowered herself to the ground next to him, letting out a long sigh. She just sat there, breathing louder than Hotch was used to her breathing, but he found after a few minutes that his breathing began to match hers. A calmness returned to his body, at least enough to breathe normally.

“Aaron?”

He turned to look at her, the edges of his eyes lined with red.

“Let’s get you home, yeah?”

Hotch nodded his head. He pushed himself to his feet before helping Caro to hers.

“I’ll drive,” she said, stepping around all of the things on the ground.

“What about-“

“We’ll deal with it tomorrow,” Caro had said. “Come on.”

She talked to him all the way back to the car. She asked if he wanted to talk about what made him dump all of his stuff on the ground. When he said no, she asked him about Jack instead. It felt comfortable to talk to her about his son, even though he tried to keep personal life and business separated. He had never really talked to her about anything other than work, except for the times when the team would go out to eat, back when Hayley would come with them. She would talk about her brother, his family, but very vaguely.

Now he supposed he knew why she was always so vague.

The third time she called him Aaron, they were on a case. Young girls being kidnapped, assaulted, and dumped. This was one of many cases just like it. Hotch couldn’t even remember what town they were in now. All he remembered was walking by Caro’s hotel room and feeling like he needed to go inside. Something pulled him to a stop outside her door that night and he couldn’t ignore it.

He knocked on the door, but didn’t wait for a respond before he opened in.

Caro was still up, even though they had left hours ago. She had skipped the meal they all shared together, which was unlike her. She sat at her desk, the lamp on but not the overhead light. The case that they were working was laid out in front of her. When she looked up at him, startled that he had come in, her eyes were red and he couldn’t tell if it was all of the reading or if it was something else.

“What can I do for you, Hotch?” Caro asked, one of her legs propped up on the swivel chair.

“I….” He hadn’t really thought this far ahead. “….wanted to check on you, see how you were doing.”

Caro’s lips pulled into an amused smile.

“You never check on me.”

“Maybe now’s the time to start.”

They were quiet for a few moments until Caro let out a sigh. She patted the bed, signaling for him to sit.

“These cases, the ones with the young girls, they’re hard,” Caro told him after he sat down.

Hotch felt like a foreigner sitting there and talking to her, awkward as he sat on her bed, like it shouldn’t be him here doing this. But she seemed so eager to talk, like she was just waiting for someone to ask.

“I understand,” Hotch said finally, looking at the carpet. “They’re hard on all of us.”

“Aaron.”

At the sound of his name, he looked back at her and he could see the tears in her eyes. He didn’t realize it then, but she had been begging him to understand so she didn’t have to say. She didn’t want to have to say it.

He couldn’t sleep that night and he didn’t know why.

“She called you Aaron when she was mad at you or….” Rossi’s voice pulled him back to the present.

“Or she needs me to listen.”

“So, what does she need you to hear?”

___

“He knows her,” Hotch said suddenly, startling the life out of the half sleeping agents.

“What?” Morgan asked, sitting up.

“The unsub knows her. There is no way that he learned all of this about her at the meeting they went to. No way he could have replicated the room that she was kept in when she was a child unless he had personal information.”

“He knew everything about her…and us…before he even took her,” Rossi said, his voice laced with awe. “Which means….”

“All those other murders were about getting her here.” Hotch felt his heart restrict in his chest. “This has all been about her. She was the piece we were missing.”

“Sir?” Garcia hurried into the room, meaning she had found something. “The link between all the victims, I think I found it.”

The team turned toward her.

“Evie is the link.” Garcia swiped up on her laptop, a couple different screens popping up on the big screen. “Sarah Jordans went to kindergarten with Evie. Paulette Bobin was the daughter of the police officer who found Evie after she escaped her uncle. Robin Everard was her high school drama teacher’s niece. Celia Hough was the sister of a woman she walked dogs for in middle school. They weren’t close enough to Evie for her to recognize them, but they were all a part of her life in some way.”

Hotch looked over at Rossi and shook his head.

“It’s been about Caro all along. All of it.”

“That means that the place she’s being held is about her too,” Morgan said. “More than just making the room look the same. He’s holding her somewhere that means something to her.”

“Garcia,” Hotch said, turning his attention back to the tech analyst. “Who owns the uncle’s house now?”

“You think he took her back there?”

“She said the room looked exactly the same. Maybe because it was the same.”

“The house passed onto his wife’s son when he died,” Garcia said.

“Where is the son now?”

“He is….” They all watched her carefully, waiting for the last piece of information. “…. He changed his name just after his father’s funeral to….”

Hotch turned back to the screen, where the picture of the unsub was plastered so none of them would forget it.

“Ralph Bennet,” Morgan said, venom in his words. “The unsub.”

“How did she not recognize her own cousin?”

“His father and mother got divorced when he was young. He didn’t even know he had a step-dad who was still alive until he was dead,” Garcia said.

“So, Ralph Bennet was the step-son of Caro’s uncle. He feels like he has to punish her for taking another father figure away from him,” added Reid.

“He wants her to pay. He wants to hurt her in any way possible.”

“He’s got her at her old house.”

___

Evelyn could barely see. Her eyes were weak and tired, partially from the crying and partially from the lack of sleep. She was terrified of letting her eyes shut, of letting her guard down. She needed to stay awake, to keep her guard up. But she couldn’t take her eyes away from the red stain on the floor.

The cot mattress was itching her skin. If she could ignore the itching, she would begin to feel the sting of the metal chain against her skin. She preferred the itching.

A thud from downstairs echoed to her room. The attic. Pretending like this wasn’t that room she had been kept in for all those years was the only thing that was keeping her from breaking down, but that wall between what she pretended was real and reality was growing thin.

Breathing in through her nose, Evelyn shut her eyes and imagined herself back in her apartment, safe and warm. In her hands was a cup of tea, chamomile with only one sprinkling of sugar. It was raining outside. Not too hard, but hard enough that she could hear it pattering against the window. Her dog slept at her feet, breathing softly. In her lap was-

Another thud from downstairs, tearing Evelyn from her fantasy. She opened her eyes and looked toward the door.

“Ralph?” She called out, voice hoarse. There was no response.

When the door burst open suddenly, Evelyn yelped and jumped backward, curling her legs in on herself.

Ralph stood there, his face red and sweat beading down his forehead.

“What’s going on?” Evelyn asked, curling up tighter.

Ralph let out a growl of frustration and started toward her.

“Ralph- no!” Evelyn kicked out at him, but he grabbed hold of her ankles and dragged her to the edge of the bed. “What are you-“

“Shut up,” Ralph snapped, unlacing the chains around her wrist. “We’re leaving.”

“What-“

“I said shut up!”

He tugged down hard on the chain, making it dig deeper into the wound around her wrist. Evelyn hissed in pain, but she quieted as he told her. There was another thud from downstairs and Evelyn snapped her head in the direction of the sound. Things were slowly starting to come together; Ralph’s shaking hands, his red face, the thudding downstairs.

Evelyn looked between Ralph and the door. She sat a still as she could while his trembling hands, waiting for the just right moment. As soon as the chains were loose, Evelyn slipped her wrist out of the chain, kicked Ralph over with as little strength as she had, and ran for the door.

“Aaron!”

Her cry echoed through the house just before Ralph grabbed her from behind, clamping a hand over her mouth.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” He hissed, dragging her back into the room.

“Caro?”

Evelyn gasped through Ralph’s hand at the sound of Hotch’s voice, trying to shout back. She struggled against Ralph as he pulled her back to the bed, thrashing her shoulders to try and break free.

“Agent Caro?”

I’m here, Hotch, I’m here.

Ralph threw the weak Evelyn onto the bed and backhanded her across the face so hard that her head started to spin. She stretched her jaw, blinking away the blackness in her vision.

“Evie!” From somewhere far away, she thought she could hear her best friend, Derek Morgan, calling for her. She opened her mouth to call back, but all she felt was numbness.

By the time she finally felt like she could see again, there was someone else in the doorway. At first glance, she thought it was Ralph, but he was still there in the room with her. The man in the doorway had a gun, the man in the doorway was Aaron Hotchner.

“Ralph Bennet, step away,” Hotch said.

Evelyn watched, head blurry as Ralph did as he was told, backing away from her. But he was going the wrong way. There was something wrong that way. Something she needed to tell Hotch about.

“You came for me,” she said, trying to smile.

“Are you okay, Caro?”

Evelyn could feel the headache behind her eyes begin to fade. She nodded her head once, letting her eyes close. There was something she needed to tell him, something really important.

“There’s something,” she said, shaking her head to try and clear it. “Over there-“

Before Evelyn could even finish, Ralph stepped forward and swung a bat at Hotch, the bat that Evelyn knew was in the corner. The bat that broke her ribs. That was what she needed to tell Hotch about. But now it was too late.

The bat knocked Hotch’s gun out of his hands and onto the ground. Hotch wasted no time in jumping into action, springing at Ralph without a second thought. Evelyn tried to shake herself out of her stoper. She would be no help to anyone weary. Even if malnutrition and the beating she got that morning were the cause of her exhaustion, she wanted to be of more help.

Hotch knocked Ralph backward, but Ralph held tight to the bat in his hands, using it to push Hotch backward. It was hard for Evelyn to follow the fight, her eyes not able of following every hit and swing. When her eyes finally caught up with what was happening, the ringing in her ears starting to fade, Evelyn found that Hotch was on the ground, Ralph standing over him with the baseball bat, ready to bash his head in.

Evelyn pushed herself off of the bed, her legs weak and shaking, and ran toward Ralph.

“Don’t touch him!” She growled, reaching up to grab hold of the bat.

“Let go, bitch!”

It didn’t take much for Ralph to throw Evelyn’s grip off the bat, but only by throwing the bat out of his hands as well. She hit the ground with a thud, the force rattling through her bones. Ralph immediately turned his attention back to Hotch, who was still on the ground but in a less vulnerable state.

On the ground with Evelyn were the bat and the forgotten gun, but they were all the way on the other side of the room. She didn’t know if she could make it there and back before her legs gave out.

She was laying on the ground by the edge of the bed, hearing Hotch and Ralph go at it. There had to be something that she could do. She had to do something. As she pushed herself up, Evelyn’s had grazed over the chain, the chain that had been used to keep her tied to this bed for days. Looking up at Ralph, Evelyn dug into all that bitterness and all the rage that she had been brewing for the past twenty years of her life and found some ounce of strength.

Strength enough to wrap her hands around the chain. Strength enough to pick to chain off the ground. Strength enough to stand.

With Ralph paying attention to Hotch, his back was left exposed to her. He didn’t think she had the strength left. He thought he broke her.

But she was unbreakable.

Wrapping the chain around one of her hands, she walked up behind Ralph and swung the chain around his neck. He let out a startled gasp, lifting a hand, but not before Evelyn grabbed the chain with her open hand and pulled. Ralph stumbled backward into her. He slapped at her hands. He tried to hit her with the back of his head.

But the adrenaline coursing through her veins kept her strong. She pulled tighter, tensing her hands.

Ralph gagged and Evelyn scrunched her nose. He let out a gurgling sound and Evelyn groaned as the muscles in her arms began to cramp from the tightness. But still she did not let go.

Hotch stood, his lip bleeding and his eye beginning to bruise. Ralph and Evelyn stumbled over; he fell to the ground and she landed on the bed, never once letting the chain go slack.

“Agent Caro,” Hotch said. “You can let him go.”

Evelyn only pulled tighter. Ralph smacked at her hands lamely, choking sounds gurgling from his throat. His legs kicked out, struggling in the same way that she had been. His legs kicked and his body twitched and his arms flailed out and he maybe felt an ounce of the terror that Evelyn had.

“Caro.”

Evelyn’s face twisted she breathed heavily, pulling tighter against the chain until Ralph’s eyes were rolling.

“Evelyn.”

She froze, looking up at him. All the tension in her face faded as her eyes met Hotch’s. She always used his first name when she needed him to listen to her, but now it was her turn to listen to him. Ralph gasped for the air that was slowly entering his lungs.

“You can let him go.”

Evelyn remembered that scared little girl she was all those years ago. There had been no other option then. It was just her, her uncle, and the knife in her hand. It was kill him or live the rest of her life in a prison. She felt like that again. Alone, terrified, trapped, cornered. There was no other way out.

“You’re safe now, Evelyn,” Hotch said. “You can let him go.”

She wasn’t alone anymore. Hotch was here with her. She wasn’t that terrified little girl with no way out. She was an FBI agent. She had grown and she had learned and she was no longer alone. Her team had come from her. Her family had found her.

She let go of the chain, pulling her legs onto the bed. Ralph heaved in lung fulls of air, but Evelyn kept her eyes on Hotch. He took a step toward them, pulling out his handcuffs. Evelyn flinched away, pulling her legs in tighter.

“These aren’t for you,” Hotch told her. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Relaxing her muscles as best as she could, Evelyn nodded her head.

“I know,” she said. “I know.”

She sat there on the bed while Hotch roughly rolled a still coughing Ralph onto his stomach to handcuff him. Once the handcuffs were on, Hotch turned back to Evelyn, who was still staring at him. Her eyes were full of tears.

It was hard for Hotch to say that he didn’t enjoy beating Ralph into the ground. He shouldn’t want to keep beating the shit out of the man now that he was in handcuffs, but seeing those tears in her eyes made Hotch want to. He had been tempted to let Evelyn kill Ralph. She deserved that bit of closure. But he knew the guilt that she already carried, the guilt she would carry on top of that. He knew because he carried that same guilt.

Still, he wanted to see that monster dead. He wanted to wipe those tears from her eyes before they even had a chance to fall.

“Caro-“

“Evie!”

Morgan burst into the room, his eyebrows pinched together in worry. Evelyn tore her gaze away from Hotch at the sound of Morgan’s voice.

“Derek.” The relief in her voice as she said his name made Hotch’s stomach drop.

Morgan rushed toward the bed and dropped to his knees in front of it. He reached forward and pulled the tattered blanket on the bed up and around Evelyn’s shoulders, covering her. Evelyn just stared at him, the tears threatening to fall from her lashes. Morgan brushed hair from out of her face as a smile began to pull at his lips. His smile made her almost able to break a grin too.

When Morgan first put his arms around Evelyn, het body immediately tensed. She expected to be surrounded by Ralph’s smell, feel his clammy skin on hers. But it was Morgan’s smell; that expensive cologne she had bought for his birthday mixed with the laundry detergent he always used. He held her tight. Even when she opened her eyes, she wasn’t able to look down enough to see Ralph, which was probably Morgan’s intention. She would have done the same thing.

The adrenaline had succeeded in keeping her heart rate steady, but now that Morgan was holding her, her heart started to pound.

Hotch grabbed Ralph off the ground and hoisted him to his feet. Evelyn listened as he shoved Ralph down the stairs, Ralph grunting and groaning all the way down.

It wasn’t until they could no longer hear him that Morgan pulled away. She didn’t want to let him go, afraid that she would begin to crumble without him there. Morgan put a hand on her cheek and leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Let’s get you home.”

___

The first worst part about walking down those stairs was remembering the last time she had done this. That red stain on the floor had been there for twenty years. Evelyn had left her uncle bleeding out on the floor while she stumbled down the stairs, dazed, terrified. She knew the blood was the same because she had been covered in it too.

The second worst part was when everyone turned to look at her.

JJ, Emily, Reid, and Rossi were all in the downstairs of the house. They had holstered their guns, but Emily still had her hand on hers. The stairs were too narrow for Morgan to walk alongside her, so he held her hand as he walked in front of her. She was almost hesitant to take that final step, terrified of how the others would look at her.

When they heard the stair creak, they all turned their heads toward Evelyn. She froze, her blood running cold. She expected the concerned stares, the pitied eyes, it was all she got last time. Tightening the blanket around her shoulders, Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to look them in the eyes.

JJ walked toward her, stopping only a few feet away.

“Can I hug you?” JJ asked.

Evelyn looked up to see that there were tears in her friend’s eyes, but a smile on her face. There was no pity, only relief.

Slowly, Evelyn nodded her head. JJ didn’t need to be told twice. She closed the distance, wrapping her arms around Evelyn’s neck. Emily was next, pressing a gentle kiss against the side of her head. Reid’s hug was awkward, shaky.

“If you ever need to talk,” he said quietly.

Evelyn nodded her head. She knew that he understood what it was like, to be taken and held against your will. She gave him a gentle smile that he returned. Rossi was the last to approach her. He had teary smile on his face as well. He didn’t hug her entirely, but instead put his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her toward him to press a kiss against her forehead.

“C’mon,” Morgan said. “Ambulance is out here.”

“I don’t need to go to the hospital,” Evelyn said, looking over at him and giving a shake of your head.

Morgan raised his eyebrows, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Same old Evelyn.” He put an arm around her shoulder, as he always did. The action was simple, but it was enough to make her smile, to make her feel normal. “But yes, we’re taking you to the hospital.”

Evelyn rolled her eyes but let him lead her outside to the ambulance. Hotch was already out there, talking quietly to the EMT. Ralph must have gone in a different police car. He was nowhere to be seen.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital?” Morgan said once she had a quick once over by the EMT.

“You’re not going to ride with me?” She asked. Evelyn hoped that the fear of being alone again that she was feeling didn’t show through in her voice.

“Hotch’ll go with you.”

Morgan dropped a hand on Hotch’s shoulder, who wore his usual scowl, his arms crossed. He turned toward Morgan, who raised his eyebrows and walked away.

“I’ll be right back,” the EMT said before turning and walking away.

Evelyn sat on the bed, still wearing the blanket Morgan had wrapped around her. Her stomach twisted as Hotch walked toward her. She kept her eyes at the ground, chewing on the inside of her lip. She could feel only shame as he looked at her. Maybe it was because he could see the bruises and the cuts and the blood. Maybe it was because she was at her lowest and he was her boss who should only ever see her at her best. Maybe it was because he had to talk her down from choking the life out of a man. Maybe it was some combination of everything.

“Are you okay?” He asked her, leaning up against the ambulance.

Evelyn nodded her head slowly. She would have responded with a decisive yes, but her mouth had gone too dry to talk.

“That’s a stupid question, of course you’re not okay,” Hotch muttered and looked down at his feet.

“I’m okay,” Evelyn affirmed. “I’m okay.”

When he looked back up at her, Evelyn was surprised to see his eyes were watery.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get you sooner.”

Evelyn shook her head as aggressively as she could manage.

“I knew you would come, Hotch,” she told him. “I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault.”

Hotch let out an almost bitter laugh.

“I should be saying that to you.” Hotch looked at her in such a way that made Evelyn’s stomach squeeze. “All this time, and you’re still looking after me.”

Evelyn gave him a small smile in return.

“Thank you for coming to get me.”

“Of course.”

The EMT returned, telling Hotch that they were getting ready to go. He pulled himself into the ambulance and the EMT followed after him.

“Lie back,” the EMT said. Evelyn did as she was told, feeling a suffocating feeling settling on her chest as she stared up at the white ceiling. The sting of tears returned to her eyes and she wasn’t sure if she had the strength to hold them back.

Her hands tensed at her side, clenching around the blanket of the gurney. Hotch, now sitting in the chair beside her, reached out and took her hand in his. She turned her head to look at him, sniffing in deeply.

“It’s going to be okay,” Hotch told her before giving her a sharp nod.

Evelyn nodded back at him, breathing in deeply. She let go of the blanket and shifted her hand around until her fingers were laced through his. She didn’t know how comfortable he was with holding her hand, but at the moment she didn’t care. She needed someone’s hand to hold. She needed his hand to hold.

She wasn’t in the hospital for very long, which she was grateful for. Garcia got there as soon as Evelyn was released and put a pair of shaking arms around her, already dissolved into tears. Evelyn laughed, grateful for her friend’s antics.

“I love you so much,” Garcia said, her tears watering Evelyn’s neck.

She had ditched the gross blanket and was currently sporting a wonderful hospital gown and Hotch’s coat.

“Are you staying somewhere? Do you need somewhere to stay? I’ve got some clothes and a warm bed and I can make you some tea-“

“I really appreciate it, Pen,” Evelyn said, “But Hotch offered me a bed already.”

Garcia stopped her rambling to stare at her, glancing behind Evelyn to where Hotch was talking to the rest of the team.

“Hotch offered-? Right, okay. That’s good. I still brought you some clothes to wear. Come with me.”

“O-okay.”

Garcia led Evelyn to the bathroom to put her in some clothes.

“As soon as they went to get you, I went home to grab you some clothes.” Garcia dropped her bag on the ground. Evelyn covered her mouth with her hand to keep herself from laughing. It was sweet of her friend, but Evelyn didn’t think she needed that many clothes for a few nights. “I hope it’s enough.”

“Thank you. It’s perfect.”

Evelyn stepped into one of the stalls and pulled a thin sweater on over her head and a pair of sweatpants. It wasn’t the cutest outfit, but it was comfortable, and it covered her ill looking body, so it would do.

Penelope was wiping tears away when Evelyn stepped out of the stall. Evelyn smiled at her and put her hands on her friend’s shoulders.

“I’m okay, Pen.”

“Evie-“

“I’m really okay. I promise.”

Penelope let out a heavy sigh and nodded.

“Can I have a smile? It’ll make me feel better,” Evelyn said in a sing-songy, letting her hands fall back to her side.

A smile tugged at Penelope’s lips and she turned away, letting out a little laugh.

“There you go. Now the world’s right again.”

Evelyn and Penelope left the bathroom and rejoined the group just as Hotch was finishing his little speech.

“Go home, everybody. Get some sleep. We’ll come back to work on Monday,” Hotch was saying.

“Thank you,” Evelyn piped up before they turned to go their separate ways. “For everything.”

___

Hotch opened the front door of his apartment. It was dark inside, only one of the lamps were on. It was silent, still. Part of it was reassuring, the stillness. Part of it was unsettling, the quiet.

She looked back at Hotch and he nodded his head, so she stepped inside.

It felt better once she was inside. It was warm, warmer than the attic.

She had never even imagined stepping into Hotch’s home. She expected it to be stiff and cold like his office was, impersonal. But it was lively, with pictures hung on the walls and décor covering shelves full of books. Evelyn wondered absent-mindedly how much of it was Hayley’s sister or if Hotch had a secret interior designer in him somewhere. The thought made her smile.

“You’ll sleep through here,” Hotch said, his voice in a hushed tone. Jack was probably already in bed.

“Your room?” She asked, keeping her voice equally as low.

Hotch nodded.

“I’m not going to displace you,” Evelyn said. “I can sleep on the couch.”

On the couch, there was already a blanket and pillow set up.

“No, Caro. I can’t let you sleep on a couch your first day back,” Hotch said, giving his head a shake.

“Hotch, seriously-“

“Agent Caro…”

Evelyn tilted her head down and raised an eyebrow.

“Now you’re using your boss voice on me.”

To her amazement, Hotch actually smiled. He was looser here, less uptight. Something about passing into his house must have been some kind of release. Domestic Hotch was very different than at work Hotch.

“Fine,” Evelyn said. “But only for tonight.”

“I’ll be out here if you need me.”

Evelyn nodded her head. She turned down the hall as Hotch walked toward the couch. Evelyn stopped, turning to say one last thing to him, but she decided against it. He sat with his back to her, taking off his shoes. She watched him let out a deep sigh and roll tension out of his shoulders. Evelyn couldn’t help but think that she was the cause of that tension and the sooner she was out of his hair the better.

It was strange, standing by Hotch’s bed. This would be the first warm, safe bed she would be falling in to and it wasn’t her own, it was Hotch’s. It felt wrong to touch. It wasn’t hers. Even if he had said she could, it wasn’t hers. This bed belonged to someone else. Hotch’s permission didn’t feel like the only permission she needed.

On the bedside table, there was a picture. Hotch, Jack, and Hayley, all huddled together and smiling. Evelyn felt herself smiling as she looked at it. Reaching out her hand, she ran a finger along the picture frame.

“I hope it’s okay with you,” Evelyn whispered, looking at the picture of Hotch’s late wife.

They’d met a few times in the past and she was just the gentlest woman. She loved Hotch and she loved her son. There she was, staring up at Evelyn and smiling. But the only image that Evelyn had of her in her mind was Hayley’s limp body, the blood that stained her shirt.

Turning away from the picture, Evelyn pulled the blankets back before she kept overthinking. She dropped the bag that Garcia had given her onto the ground, flicked off her shoes and socks, and crawled into bed.

The warmth of the blankets was strange to her. Even her own bed wasn’t as warm as this one was. Still trying not to over think it, Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut and rolled onto her side. She breathed in deeply and was overwhelmed by his scent. With a heavy sigh, she rolled back onto her back and opened her eyes.

“Get over yourself, Evelyn,” she whispered to herself.

Breathing in slowly and steadily, Evelyn let her brain relax. She went to that safe place in her mind, that place far away. She didn’t even realize she had fallen asleep, safe and warm in that room where no one could reach her.

It wasn’t until blood started to seep through the walls that she realized she was asleep.

She woke up to someone screaming. The sound echoed off the walls of the bedroom. Someone was crying.

“Caro. Caro.” Someone was calling her name. Someone close by. Someone far away.

“Evelyn!”

Her eyes snapped open, her heart pounding so hard she thought she might be having a heart attack. The room was still dark, but the bedside lamp was turned on. The blankets were half on the floor. She had been throwing them off when she kicked her legs. Hotch was sitting in front of her. Not just sitting in front of her, but holding onto her shoulders. He had been shaking her. There was worry on his face, his eyes wide. Behind him was Jack, tears rolling down his face.

He was the one who was crying. That must have meant she was the one who was screaming.

“You’re okay,” Hotch said. “You were just dreaming.”

Evelyn lifted her hands to her face to find that there were tears on her cheeks.

“I…I’m sorry,” she said, a scowl in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Hotch shook his head. He looked tired. She must have woken him up.

“Is she okay?” Jack asked and sniffled.

“She’s fine, Jack, go back to bed,” Hotch said. When Jack hesitated, Hotch gave him a smile. “It’s okay. Go back to bed.”

Jack nodded and shuffled out of the room.

“I’m sorry,” Evelyn whispered again, pulling her knees up to her chest. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Hotch said again and dropped a hand onto her knee. “You’re safe here, no one can hurt you here.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….”

Her hands were shaking too badly for her to say anything else. She already couldn’t remember the dream, but there was blood, so much blood. And she remembered she couldn’t breathe, like there was a chain wrapped around her neck.

Evelyn shut her eyes and put her shaking hands up to her head.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said.

Hotch let out a sigh. He was frustrated with her. The thought made tears sting her eyes.

“It’s not your fault.”

Even with her eyes closed, the tears still managed to slide down her cheeks. Hotch reached out his hand and rested it on the back of her neck. The contact only made her tears fall faster. She moved her hands to cover her face, ashamed of her reaction. Hotch pulled her in toward him and the closer she got to him, the harder she started to cry.

He put his other arm around her and she lowered her forehead to his shoulder, the sobs shaking her shoulders. But Hotch held her tight, one hand on the back of the neck, the other on her back.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

She wasn’t sure what she was really sorry for. Sorry for waking him up. Sorry for sleeping in his bed. Sorry for invading his space. Sorry for getting kidnapped. For getting in the way. For making his life harder. For setting them back from work for days.

“It’s okay, Evelyn. It’s okay.”

At the sound of her name, she stopped her apologies. She heard her first name come from his mouth so rarely, she didn’t want to talk over him. She just wanted to hear him say it again. Finally letting her hands fall away from her eyes, she let her hands fall into her lap.  

“It’s not your fault, Evelyn,” he whispered, hesitantly letting his fingers lace through her hair.

She sniffed.

“It wasn’t your fault and none of us are upset with you,” Hotch told her.

Slowly, her breathing started to return to normal, sucking in short, gasping breaths of air, but they were steadier.

He pulled away from her, brushing her damp hair out of her face and resting a hand on her cheek. She wouldn’t look at him, still taking shallow breaths, tears still rolling down her cheeks, body still shaking.

“None of us blame you for any of it,” he told her, leaning down to try and catch her eye. “And there’s nothing that could have ever happened to you or that you could have possibly done that wouldn’t make us come for you.”

He brushed a tear off of her cheek as it slid from her eye.

“Evelyn, look at me.”

It took her a moment, but she finally managed to lift her eyes to meet his. They were wide and terrified, trembling like the rest of her body. Hotch tightened his jaw.

“We’re not going anywhere. I know your last family left you after what happened, but I promise you, we are not going anywhere.” Evelyn let out another shuddered breath and nodded her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It took a few more moments to calm her down and by the time she had stopped crying, her eyes were getting heavy.

“Sleep now,” Hotch said, slowly standing up from the bed. She was still sitting up, her head hanging and her hands in her lap.

“Aaron?” He paused at the door and half turned toward her. “Will you….”

She scowled and cleared her throat, shaking her head.

“What can I do for you?”

She breathed out heavily and looked up at him again.

“Would you stay, here, with me?” She felt stupid, asking.

But he wasn’t looking at her in pity or loathing. He nodded his head before walking to the other side of the bed.

Evelyn laid back onto the pillow, pulling the blankets up to her chin. She closed her eyes, embarrassed to see him, as if her request was ridiculous and gross. But she didn’t think that she could have fallen asleep if she was on her own.

She felt the other side of the bed dip in and the blankets rustle.

“Do you want the light on?” He asked.

“You can turn it off if you’d like.”

The light flickered off and they were shrouded in darkness.

“Goodnight, Evelyn.”

“Night, Aaron.”

___

When Hotch woke up the next morning, the other side of the bed was empty. He got used to the empty bed a long time ago, but there was a pit in his stomach this time. Evelyn should be there. She should be-

There was a smell coming from the kitchen. A pleasant smell.

Sitting up and stretching, Hotch made his way to the bedroom door. He heard laughing coming from the kitchen. When he opened the door, he had a direct line of sight to the kitchen. Jack was already awake, sitting happily at the table. There were usually only two chairs at that table, but Jack had pulled up a third.

Standing in the kitchen with a smile on her face was Evelyn. Jack was saying something to her, barely incoherent through all his laughter. Evelyn was just laughing along with him. Hotch shuffled through the hallway, leaning his shoulder against the corner of the and crossing his arms.

“What is going on here?” He asked with a smile on his face.

Evelyn and Jack both turned to him, both smiling.

“Eggs, bacon, French toast,” Evelyn said. “Want some?”

Hotch couldn’t help the smile on his face. He nodded, walking toward Jack and sitting down at the chair next to him.

It was strange, seeing Evelyn this way. She was generally serious at work, like he was. She would laugh and tease with Morgan and the girls and Reid, but Hotch was so used to her being solid, so stoic, so ready. But here she was, smiling and laughing and making jokes with him.

Evelyn walked over to the table carrying three plates of food and set them onto the table. She sat down, the biggest grin on her face.

“Dig in,” she said.

Hotch and Evelyn both knew that this happiness on her face went only so deep. Her suffering and her pain were just starting to bubble to the surface. But for now, she could eat this breakfast, laugh with Jack, pretend everything was okay.

“Would you like to watch my soccer game today, Evie?” Jack asked as they took the empty plates back to the kitchen.

Evelyn looked over at Hotch, hesitant.

��That would be great, buddy,” she said before looking back at Hotch. “Would you mind?”

“No, of course not.”

Jack’s grin was the brightest Hotch had seen in a long time.

Hotch knew of course about Evelyn’s competitive nature. They had been working together for years. He had seen enough games between her and Morgan to know that she liked to win. He still somehow didn’t expect that much competition to come out of her during his son’s soccer match.

She yelled from the sidelines, cheering for Jack and shouting at the ref and even exchanging glares with other parents. It was hard not to be distracted by her as Hotch tried to coach his team, trying to keep his laughing to a minimum. When the game ended, after Hotch had a word with the players, Jack ran straight for Evelyn. He stopped just in front of her, remembering what his dad had told him about not getting too close, and grinned up at her.

Evelyn put her hand on his head and ruffled his sandy blond hair.

“You were great out there, kid,” she said. “You got the most goals on your team.”

“We, uh, don’t usually keep score,” Hotch said as he walked over.

Evelyn looked up at him with the brightest smile.

“Well, I did and your team did a great job.”

One of the other moms walked over, her daughter and Jack immediately engaging in teasing and chatting about the game as they tried to kick each other in their still guarded shins.

“My name is Mary,” the mother said, reaching a hand out for Evelyn to shake. Evelyn startled, her heart rate spiking at Mary’s sudden movement. She recovered quickly, shaking Mary’s hand.

“Evelyn Caro.”

“Are you and Aaron-“

“We work together,” Hotch said.

Mary nodded her head.

“That explains the….”

She gestured toward Evelyn’s face before pausing and forced a smile.

“Right.”

Evelyn had forgotten how horrible her face must look. She had been absently rolling the scab on her lip between her teeth all day. Her bruised and cut cheek was sore, her other eye throbbing every now and again. The battered shape of her face hadn’t even crossed her mind while she offered to go to Jack’s game.

Evelyn looked over Hotch for assistance. His smile was still there, but thinner.

“Mary, how is your husband?” Hotch asked, clearly trying to direct the attention away from Evelyn. She was grateful for it.

She listened to their conversation with a smile until Jack walked back over to them and grabbed her by the hand. She turned to look at him with a smile. He beckoned for her to bend down and she did. Jack even stood on his toes so he could whisper in her ear.

“Can you ask Daddy if we can get McDonald’s on the way home?” He asked, his voice so quiet that Evelyn barely heard him.

Still, she let out a laugh and straightened her back.

“I can do that.”

Jack grinned and ran back toward his friends. She couldn’t help but smile as she watched him run away. She had met Jack only handful of times in the past, but he was such a light. He meant so much to Aaron that it was impossible for Evelyn not to love him, too. The poor boy had been through so much already.

“What did he want?” Hotch asked.

Evelyn turned back around to find that not only was Mary talking to Hotch, but three other unaccompanied women were hanging around as well. She resisted the urge to tease him about it right there. Teasing Hotch was also something new. She never would have done it before. Their relationship was strictly professional.

“Jack wants to go to McDonald’s on the way home,” Evelyn told Hotch.

“Ah,” Hotch said, his hands on his hips.

“The kids always do,” a blonde mother said, no ounce of amusement in her tone as she glanced at Evelyn.

“I suppose he thought you asking would make the likelihood of me saying yes higher?”

Evelyn shrugged. The other moms stood there, laughing joylessly, but Evelyn didn’t even see them.

They did stop at McDonald’s on the way home. Jack happily sang a song to himself in the backseat, munching on his apple slices and French fries. Evelyn was sitting in the passenger seat with one of her feet propped up on the dash.

“This feels like cheating,” Evelyn sighed, staring at the fries in her hands.

“How?” Hotch asked with a short laugh.

Evelyn shrugged, shoving the fries in her mouth.

“Something about it. They’re too good, I guess. There’s gotta be a downside.”

Hotch opened his mouth to say something but she held up her hand to stop him.

“You don’t have to profile my eating habits, Hotchner,” she said.

Hotch simply laughed.

When they got back from the game, Jack went to take a nap, leaving Evelyn and Hotch alone in the apartment.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited the team over to watch the game this afternoon,” Hotch said.

“Of course I don’t mind,” Evelyn said. “This is still your home.”

“Right.” Hotch nodded his head.

She dropped herself onto the couch, her eyes tired, but she had no desire to sleep, especially if the team was coming over.

But her eyes were beginning to droop against her better judgement. The apartment was quiet, she could barely hear Hotch moving around until there was the soft sound of music flitting through the room.

Hotch sat down at the table, trying to be far enough away from the sleeping woman on his couch to help her feel comfortable. Light music floated through the room as he sat, flipping through a book that he wasn’t really reading. It seemed like every three seconds, his eyes would move from his book to where Evelyn was sleeping. He justified it to himself, trying to tell himself it was just to make sure she wasn’t having another nightmare. Last night had been hard on all of them and he didn’t want a repeat. But there was something else that kept drawing his gaze to her.

She just looked so at peace. Like none of the thousands of terrible things in the world could touch her. Her breathing was short, but steady and there was almost a bit of a smile on her face. His hands were tense around the book, just waiting for her breathing to change to signal to him that she was going to a place in her mind where she didn’t want to be.

He was almost tempted to ask the others to not come to allow Evelyn the chance to sleep. But Hotch thought it was best to allow her the time to socialize with the people she loved. She needed to be surrounded by support at this time and Hotch knew he couldn’t possibly provide enough of it to be any help.

An hour and a half later, fifteen minutes before the others were due to arrive, Hotch walked over to where she slept on the couch. Again, he was tempted to just let her sleep. But he put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a light shake in hopes of rousing her.

“Caro,” he whispered.

She woke with a startled gasp, her eyes snapping open. Hotch was prepared for some kind of emotional response. He was ready in case she needed his help, but after the initial shock of being woken up, she sat up normally. Rubbing her eyes, Evelyn let out a yawn.

“Are they here?” She asked.

“Not yet,” Hotch said. “Soon. I’m going to wake up Jack. Will you be alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” There was a little bit of a scowl on her face as she continued to try and wake herself up. “Anything I can do to help get ready?”

Hotch was already halfway to Jack’s room, but he shook his head.

“Everyone else is bringing food. We’re off the hook for this one,” he told her before slipping into Jack’s room.

Evelyn forced herself off the couch, even though her bones were still stiff and tired. She straightened the cushions she slept on before rubbing her eyes again. She didn’t think she had dreamed, which was the first time she hadn’t in a very long time.

She was rubbing tension out of her neck when there was the first knock at the door.

Evelyn started and reached for the gun that should have been there but wasn’t. Her heart pounded in her chest, her hand still on her hip where her gun should have been. She wanted to move, but her muscles felt frozen. Eyes wide and body tense, Evelyn struggled to breathe. There was a tightness in her chest she couldn’t shake.

There was a knock at the door again, but she still couldn’t move.

“Caro, you okay?” Hotch asked as he came back from Jack’s room. “Evelyn?”

He stopped on his way to the door. She saw him standing there, staring at her, but all she could do was watch the door. Her body began to shake ever so slightly from the tension in her muscles.

“It’s just the team, Caro,” Hotch said, slowly putting his hands out toward her. “They’re not going to hurt you.”

Evelyn heard what he was saying, but something in her bones told her that it was a bad guy, someone who wanted to come in and hurt her, hurt Hotch, hurt Jack. She wouldn’t let that happen.

“Caro, I need you to look at me and just breathe,” Hotch was saying, taking a step toward her. There was another knock at the door and she flinched. “Look at me. Breathe.”

Evelyn sucked in one deep breath in through her nose before flickering her watery eyes away from the door and toward Hotch. He titled his head to the side, taking on a non-offensive stance. Her eyes strained to look at him.

“I’m going to open the door, okay?” Evelyn gave a sharp shake of her head, her body jerking forward but her feet not going anywhere. “I’m going to open the door. It’s going to be okay.”

He took a step toward the door and Evelyn shook her head again. Hotch turned away from her and kept walking toward the door.

“Hotch,” Evelyn said, her words just barely above a whisper.

When his hand touched the handle, Evelyn shook her head again, staring at the door unblinking. The door unlocked and the handle turned.

“Hotch-“

The door opened. Evelyn’s eyes widened even further, waiting for Ralph to be standing there on the other side.

But it was just Penelope and JJ and Emily, all grinning wildly.

Evelyn blinked her eyes hard and shook her head, dropping her hands back to her sides and relaxing her defensive stance.

“Come in,” Hotch was saying.

Evelyn forced a smile onto her face and went to greet her friends as they came in. She helped them set up the table with the food and drinks they brought.

“How are you doing?” JJ asked as she tore into the chips.

Evelyn sighed, still trying to smile.

“I’m doing okay,” she said.

“I might not be as good a profiler as any of you guys,” JJ said. “But I know you well enough to know when you’re lying.”

Evelyn turned to face her, leaning her hip against the table and crossing her arms.

“I am doing as well as you can imagine I’m doing,” Evelyn said. “But most of the time I’m doing okay.”

JJ put a hand on her friend’s arm and offered a small smile.

“If you ever need anything-“

“I know you’re always there for me, JJ,” Evelyn said. “I won’t ever forget it.”

JJ nodded and they turned back to the table. It was only a few more minutes before the boys arrived. After greeting Hotch and Emily, Morgan came straight for Evelyn, who was still at the table rearranging everything for the fifteenth time.

“I swear I’m going to lose it if you ask me if I’m okay, Derek Morgan,” Evelyn said, moving the napkins off the plates where she had just put them.

Morgan let out his signature laugh before throwing an arm over her shoulders.

“I know how you’re doing, so I don’t need to ask,” Morgan told her. “I just came over here to give you a hug.”

Evelyn let out a breath and turned toward him, eagerly putting her arms around his waist. There was safety in his arms. Her muscles were still tense from her moment before, and it felt impossible for her to relax and fall into normalcy with her friends. But with Morgan there, everything seemed to be at least a little bit okay.

“Keep fighting,” he whispered in her ear. “That’s how you win.”

Evelyn nodded her head. She pulled away and quickly swiped away a stray tear before wiping her hands on her jeans. She back at Morgan briefly with a strained smile, glad to see him smiling back.

“Let’s go sit,” Morgan said to her.

Evelyn sat herself on the very end of the couch, knowing how much her team loved to cram in together and not really feeling comfortable being stuck in between Morgan and JJ as they shouted back and forth at each other about their opposing sports opinions. She sat with her feet up on the couch and her knees pulled up to her chest.

Reid sat next to her, still and quiet.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey, Reid.”

He didn’t say anything else. Evelyn didn’t really want him to. Still, she leaned toward him and put her head on his shoulder. Reid tensed for a moment, but then he relaxed.

“It’s good to have you back,” he whispered to her.

“It’s good to be back,” she whispered back.

A few minutes before the game had started, there was already yelling going on between Rossi and JJ about something Evelyn couldn’t really follow. Jack came out of his room, hair a mess and eyes looking tired.

“Hey, buddy!” Hotch said. “Come for some food?”

The newly awake Jack shook his head and hobbled over to Evelyn. She dropped her feet to the ground as he struggled to crawl into her lap. He dropped his head to her shoulder.

“You okay, kid?” she asked him, rubbing her hand up and down his back. He nodded and yawned.

A chip flew over her head that Morgan had definitely thrown at Rossi who sat in the chair next to Evelyn. Penelope was watching the commercials eagerly, shouting at everyone to quiet down. JJ had roped Emily into her argument with Rossi and Reid was telling Morgan something about some sports statistic that Morgan was desperately trying to refute.

Evelyn looked over at Hotch, who was watching them with a look in his eye that she couldn’t really read. She was usually good at reading Hotch, but every now and again, he’d get this look that she didn’t understand. When he noticed her looking, he gave her a smile and nodded his head.

Part way through the game, Jack left her lap to go and grab some food. She offered him her seat when he came back so that she could go over to the table for some food and a breather. Hotch met her there, scooping cheese dip onto his paper plate.

“Intense game,” Evelyn said, popping a grape into her mouth.

“Very.”

“Oh, come on!” Morgan yelled.

Evelyn laughed quietly to herself.

“If you need to step out-“

“I’m fine, Hotch, really,” she said, turning toward him. “Everything’s good. What happened earlier-“

“Was a completely normal reaction.” Evelyn was startled by his rebuttal interruption. “You’re allowed to have bad moments or even bad days.”

“I know that.”

“You’re also allowed to have fun.”

“I know that, too.”

Morgan stood up quickly from the couch, letting out half a expletive before remembering Jack was there and switching it up half way through.

“I really missed this, though,” Evelyn said through a laugh.

Hotch looked at her and then looked over at Morgan and let out a sigh.

“He was really worried about you,” Hotch told her, his hands tightening around the poor paper plate in his hand.

Evelyn nodded her head, looking down at the grapes in her hand.

“I thought I’d never see him again. I thought I’d never see any of you again,” she told him.

“You didn’t think we’d find you?”

“Oh, I knew you would,” she looked back over at him. “I just didn’t know if it would be soon enough.”

“Evelyn-“

“Evie, come look at this!” Penelope called, waving her over.

“Pardon me, Hotch.”

Hotch watched her walk away and kneel on the ground beside Garcia. They laughed about something. Smiling looked good on her, but he knew that it only ran so deep. He couldn’t wait for the day that smile would be real again. He just hoped he was there to see it.

By the time everyone left, the sun was almost down. They stayed long after the game, talking and laughing and throwing things at each other like a bunch of children. Penelope was the last to go, always asking for one last hug while Morgan waited for her just outside.

“I’ll see you soon, Pen,” Evelyn laughed, trying to push her friend toward the door.

“I hate leaving you,” Penelope said.

“I think I’m in the safest hands I can be.”

Penelope pulled away at that.

“You’re right.” She looked over at Hotch. “Hotch won’t let anything happen to you. You’re perfectly safe here.”

Evelyn gave her a smile.

“Exactly. Now, go. Morgan’s waiting for you.”

Penelope straightened her jacket and nodded her head.

“Right.” She turned and walked out the door. “Let’s go, Derek.”

Morgan offered one last wave, tossing an arm over Penelope’s shoulders. He sent a look Evelyn’s way that she read perfectly. If she needed anything….

Hotch shut the door and the apartment was silent. Evelyn let out a heavy breath.

“That was fun,” Jack said, laying on the couch.

“Time for bed for you, buddy,” Hotch said.

The team was generally good at cleaning up after themselves and taking the food that they had brought with them, but there was always a mess to clean up afterward. The few times Evelyn had one of these gatherings at her own place taught her this well enough. Hotch walked Jack toward his room while Evelyn turned to start cleaning.

“You don’t have to do that,” Hotch said, emerging from his son’s room as Evelyn pulled the full trash bag out of the trash can.

“I won’t be able to sleep knowing this place is a mess,” she told him.

It was these quiet moments when it was just the two of them that Evelyn felt the most exposed, the most terrified. Not that he would hurt her because she knew he never would, but just knowing that all of his attention was on her made her almost sick to her stomach.

“I’ll take the trash to the can outside,” Hotch said, walking toward her.

“Alright.”

She handed the bag off to him, his fingers just barely grazing over her hand. Evelyn elected not to look up at him as electricity crackled up her arm. She breathed in deeply and turned toward the couch.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said. He took a few steps away from her and Evelyn just nodded her head.

She didn’t look at him as he left the room. With a pounding heart, Evelyn sat slowly onto the couch, shutting her eyes and breathing deeply until she dropped her head into her hands.

What was wrong with her? She had always been able to keep her emotions under control around Hotch. Always. Even when he was talking about Hayley, even when he cared so deeply about people it made him rage, even when he did that thing with his eyes that silenced even the haughtiest narcissist, even when he gave her a look that put all other looks to shame. She had always kept her cool because that was what she had trained herself to do.

But now her training was backfiring on her. Her training was making her think danger was there when it wasn’t. Her training was making her question the movements of everyone she loved. Her training was taking her sleep from her. Her training was crumbling and slowly revealing that terrified girl that lay underneath.

Evelyn opened her eyes, hoping to think of absolutely anything else than the heat in her cheeks and the pounding of her heart in her stomach.

Maybe keeping her eyes closed may have been better because as soon as her eyes were open, they landed on Hotch’s bag propped up against the coffee table. Someone must have moved it during the game. Sticking out of the top was a file. There was no name on the file, but Evelyn knew it was hers, or at least from the last job they’d done, which was hers.

Instinct took over and she bent down, snatching the yellow folding from his bag. It was thick, thicker than she’d have liked. Laying it on the table, her suspicions were confirmed as she flipped open the first page. It was this last case and the very first picture on it was the one they took in the hospital when she first arrived.

Evelyn didn’t realize how terrible she looked until just then. She was thin, trembling. Her hair was matted with blood. She looked dirty, covered in blood and bruises. Evelyn gagged, covering her mouth with her hand. That was how all of her friends had seen her that day. The thought made her shiver.

The picture just underneath it was the one they had taken when she was a kid. The similarities in the pictures made her even sicker.

She shuffled through the files, eyes scanning the pages just like Reid had taught her, until she found Hotch’s report.

She pulled it out, hands shaking as she held it in front of her. She had always wondered how Hotch managed to write these reports, summing up everything they went through during the case in just a few short pages.

Her throat swelled as she read through the beginning. She read about the women Ralph killed, how they were assaulted and murdered, how the team discovered it was Ralph. She read through them deciding to send Evelyn into the meeting to find Ralph and lure him in. She didn’t know then that he was the step kid of her uncle. If she had, she wouldn’t have gone in there empty handed.

Then she read how they had found out she was missing and what they did to find her. Her heart plummeted into her stomach, dropping from her chest like a ton of rocks. She lifted a hand to cover her mouth, hoping swallow the sob that was threatening to come from her mouth. Sitting in that attic, Evelyn had wondered what the point of killing those other women was. She had spent hours pouring over ideas. She thought him running into her was an accident, pure coincidence. This case already put her on edge, seeing as it took place in the very same town she grew up in.

But the team had solved it. They had figured it out. All those women that Ralph had killed….

Tears clouded her vision, but she refused to blink. A quiet moan of distress came from her. She didn’t even hear the door of the apartment open.

“Evelyn?”

She didn’t jump at the sound of Hotch’s voice. Instead, she turned toward him slowly, those same tears gathered in her eyes.

“It’s my fault,” she said, holding the report in her hands. The tears dropped from her lashes, hitting her cheeks with the strength of a butterfly.  

“It’s not.”

“It is!” Hotch let out a defeated breath. “It says right here that-“

“That report says Ralph Bennet made the decision to assault and murder those four women.”

“Because of me!”

Hotch walked over to her and sat on the couch beside her, but not too close.

“Did you kill those women, Caro?”

“No, but-“

“No, you didn’t.”

“Hotch, he killed them because I knew them. He killed them because he knew it would lure me in. If I hadn’t-“

“What? If you hadn’t what?” She was quiet. “If you hadn’t killed your uncle? You did what you had to do to survive, Evelyn. No one will fault you for that.”

“If I hadn’t….” she trailed off, staring at the paper with her teary eyes.

“If you hadn’t come with us to solve this case? More women would have died.”

“I fell right into his trap,” she whispered, her hands tightening around the paper. “I didn’t even know he existed, and he knew me well enough to set the trap and just wait for me to walk right into it. I can’t believe I was that stupid.”

“Do you want to know what that tells me?”

She looked up at him.

“You returned to a town where you had been traumatized to help bring justice to these women. You went into that meeting trying to catch a killer. You stayed alive long enough for us to find you using clues that you gave us.” Evelyn sniffed, wiping the underside of her nose with the back of her hand. “You’re not stupid, Evelyn. You’re the bravest person I have ever met.”

She looked over at Hotch again, her lower lip trembling.

“They died for me,” she said and took in a shaky breath. A tear slid down her nose. “How do I repay them for that?”

Hotch was quiet for a moment and heaved out a sigh, just allowing him time to think of a proper answer.

“You live,” he told her. “You survive this and carry on for them.”

Evelyn closed her eyes. She was hearing him and her brain was telling her that he was right, but her heart wasn’t believing him. She couldn’t believe him.

Without saying anything, Evelyn pushed herself off the couch and made for the door, hoping to escape before he could see the tears that were threatening to run from her eyes again.

“Caro, where are you going?” Hotch asked, standing after her.

“I need some air,” she replied as she struggled with the lock on the door.

“I’ll come with you.”

“I need to be alone right now,” she said, finally getting the door open.

Hotch put his hand on the door and pushed it shut. Evelyn froze, keeping her hand on the doorknob.

“You’re not going anywhere by yourself.”

Evelyn turned around slowly. Hotch was looming over her, his hand still on the door to keep her from opening it again.

“Let me out, Hotch.”

“You’re not a prisoner here, but you’re not going out there alone.”

She stared at Hotch unblinkingly. Evelyn’s breathing started to speed up, her chest rising and falling rapidly, but it wasn’t anger or fear that made her heart rate spike.

“Why not?”

“What do you mean, why not?”

Evelyn knew she was poking the bear, but she felt like she had to. Poke the bear yourself, make it roar on your terms before it decides to do it itself.

“Why can’t I go out there alone? You think I can’t handle myself?”

“No, I know you can-“

“Then why won’t you let me leave?”

“Because I want you to be safe.”

The calmness of his voice made her even angrier. It made her want to poke harder.

There was a gaping wound in her soul and it was still gushing blood. Hotch was trying to patch it up, help her to heal, but he was getting too close to the only thing that kept her breathing. He was getting too close to the wound and she was terrified of the idea of him seeing her, feeling her, so she recoiled. She would snap at him until he left her alone. Until he left her wound bleed in peace.

“Why did you come for me?”

“Why did we come for you?” Hotch repeated, astounded by her question. “You’re part of the team. Why wouldn’t we come for you?”

“I’m not asking about the team, Aaron. I’m asking about you.”

Hotch straightened at the sound of his first name. She knew why. She’d done it on purpose. She needed to convince him she was angry. That was the only way to keep him at bay.

“I couldn’t just let you rot there; the team needs you.”

“The team?” She let out a bitter laugh before pushing past him and stalking into the middle of the room. “It’s always about the team with you, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“I could have died in that house, Aaron, and all you can come up with is the team needed me and that’s why you came?”

She hated the taste her words left in her mouth. She hated saying them. But she had to. She had to push him away if she had any hope for surviving. She had tied her heart to his and if she didn’t severe it now….

There was real anger in his eyes at her words. Finally, an emotion. A chink in his armor.

“If you had died in that house, I would have killed that bastard myself!”

Evelyn sucked in a sharp breath. It was so rare to see an emotion on Aaron Hotchner. In the last few days alone, she had seen more from him than she had ever seen in all her years working with him; fear, joy, grief, anger, relief. And it was mostly because of her.

“Enough with the team needs me bullshit.” Evelyn dropped the tone of her voice. “I’m going for a walk.”

She turned her back on him and walked toward the front door. She made it all the way there, her hand on the doorknob before Hotch spoke again.

“I need you.”

Evelyn froze, her hand glued to the doorknob as if it was ice and her hand was burning hot. Her blood ran cold and her heart stopped in her chest.

“What?”

“You don’t accept that you’re a vital member of the team as a worthy reason for us to come and help you? Fine.” There it was again, anger in Hotch’s voice. His dark eyebrows were pulled together. “I need you.”

Evelyn had started this argument because she needed to keep his hands away from the wound she was nursing, the wound that every breath seemed to tear open a little bit more. His kindness and compassion were just insult to injury. But his sincerity in this moment punched through every wall around her wound that she had been attempting to build up in the last few minutes.

He said it like he would say any other truth. He said it like he would say anything during a case; without a hint of uncertainty.

She turned toward him. For the first time in a while, she felt no shame as tears glimmered in her eyes.

“You mean it?” She asked, pulling on the edges of her sleeve.

“Have I ever lied to you before?”

“I mean when, Emily-“ Evelyn stopped herself and cleared her throat. “No. You haven’t.”

Hotch stood there, clearly not wanting to say anything else that would set her off. Evelyn bowed her head, let her hand fall away from the doorknob, and she crossed the room, putting her arms around his waist before he even realized that she was coming toward him.

Hotch was frozen for a second, her change in mood so rapid that he almost couldn’t register it. Evelyn’s eyes were screwed shut as she prayed that he wouldn’t reject her embrace, though she could understand if he did. But, eventually, he put his arms around her, pulling her in closer and she could finally relax.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, letting the tears stream down her face, fast and hot. “I didn’t mean it.”

“I know,” he told her, his words just as quiet.

“Please don’t give up on me.”

“I won’t.”

“I’m trying.”

Hotch knew from the report what happened with her parents after she had escaped from her uncle. He knew how they turned their back on her in the following months. She had come back to them after four years, after killing her father’s brother, and she wasn’t the little girl they had lost anymore. They reported anger issues, lashing out, screaming and hitting and breaking things. They told authorities they couldn’t handle her anymore. They just didn’t know what to do.

But Hotch also knew that she was a child who was cut so deeply by someone she trusted and that she deserved to be loved and protected by her family no matter what. No matter how loudly she screamed, no matter the mess she made, they should have loved her. They should have fought for her just as hard as she was fighting to survive. He wouldn’t abandon her like they did.

“I promise not to give up on you if you promise me not to give up on yourself,” he told her.

Evelyn nodded her head.

“Promise,” she said.

___

The following months were hard. Moving back into her own apartment where it was quiet and the silence was deafening was the hardest part. When there was no one to wake her from her nightmares or hold her while she cried, when there was no Jack to make her laugh even when she wanted to cry, when there was just her and the mirror. She hated being back home. She wanted to back at the Hotchner’s, but she knew she couldn’t impose on them any longer.

There were days when her promise to Hotch was the only thing that kept her going. He had made her promise not to give up on herself and she would be damned before she disappointed Hotch again. So, she fought, tooth and nail, just to stay afloat. Some days, that looked like lying in bed and letting the tears fall. Some days, that looked like calling Morgan or Penelope and asking them to play a board game with her. Some days, that looked like running until she couldn’t breathe. Some days, that looked like dancing around her apartment at 3 am.

Slowly, she began to remember what it was like to feel alive. And she started to love it again.

The day she came back to work, the smile on her face reached deep into that wound in her soul. It wasn’t healed, but it was better. It didn’t hurt to breathe anymore.

The team acted like she knew they would on her first case. Hotch didn’t let her go anywhere by herself. Someone had to be by her side at all times. It was suffocating, but she knew it was for the best.

By the time the case was finished and the guy arrested, Evelyn almost felt like herself again. This is what she was meant to be doing. She wasn’t supposed to be sitting by herself in her room all day, wasting away. The field was in her blood. It was part of her.

They all went out to dinner that night and everything was right in the world again. Evelyn used to sit in her apartment, Hotch and Morgan and Garcia sending her updates as they went. She knew when she got the triple text that the case was over that they’d be going out to eat, celebrating, having a laugh to cope with everything they had seen. And she would sit in her dark apartment.

But now she was in the right place. They went to a pub downtown. She ordered fries and a coke with a little cherry on top. Morgan made fun of her for smothering her fries in ketchup. She stole a bite of Emily’s pasta as she talked to Rossi. Life had returned to normal, and it was just what she needed.

The next few cases went the same way. Hotch began to trust her being alone again, allowing her to have the space she needed to do her job. There were cases where she needed to step into the bathroom and cry. There were times when she stayed behind with the local police because she couldn’t even think about going in without panicking. And the nights in her apartment alone were the worst.

But as long as she was on a case with her team, things were actually okay. She could push away her fear and the anxiety that made her bones rattle and her muscles freeze. She could go back to be Agent Evelyn Caro, where she was at her best.

Almost a year passed. Evelyn knew that the anniversary fear was a thing, but she was determined to be fine. The case they came in for was the farthest away from anything that could remind her of what she went through. Men were being taken and killed. The pattern was easy to solve, the profile quick to figure out. Everything was going to be okay.

Until Hotch and Evelyn were hunting the killer on their own. Evelyn was walking through a suspect’s house with her gun drawn, knowing that Hotch was upstairs doing the same thing. There was a thud coming from the second floor.

“Hotch?” Evelyn called out. “You okay?”

There was no reply. Her heart started to seize.

“Hotch?”

Walking toward the stairs, her gun drawn, Evelyn told herself to breathe. She would be no help to Hotch if she was panicking. She took one step up the stairs before a sudden and sharp pain exploded against the side of her head, sending her into the wall, knocking her unconscious.

When Evelyn woke up, she was in a basement. Her head squeezed and ached, jaw stiff. She shook her head and forced her eyes open.

Sitting across the room from her, still unconscious, was her boss.

“Hotch!”

Evelyn scrambled over to him, barely standing at all before she dropped to the ground next to him.

“Hotch, hey, you good?”

She saw him breathing, so that was something, but he was unresponsive to her voice. She shook his shoulders, but still he slept.

“Please don’t fire me,” Evelyn whispered before pulling her hand back and slapping him across the face.

Hotch gasped and his eyes flew open, his body falling over to the side.

“Oh, thank God,” Evelyn breathed.

“Did you slap me?” Hotch asked her, sitting back up.

“You wouldn’t wake up.”

“So you slapped me?”

Evelyn shrugged as Hotch rubbed his jaw with his hand.

“Remind me to never piss you off,” he told her. Evelyn felt herself almost smile. “Where are we?”

Evelyn looked around the basement and let out a heavy breath.

“Not sure,” she said. “We got the profile wrong, didn’t we?”

Hotch nodded his head and used the support beam in the middle of the room to push himself upward.

“There was a woman. I thought she was hurt, but….”

“She got the drop on the mighty Aaron Hotchner? I’m impressed.” Evelyn teased, needed to joke about something before her brain exploded from the pain or the panic she felt growing in her bones took over completely.

Hotch looked down at Evelyn with a stern look that told her maybe joking wasn’t his favorite way to cope with being kidnapped. Evelyn pursed her lips and pushed herself onto her feet.

“Lions got me, I think,” Evelyn told him, using the support beam to keep her standing.

“So there are two of them and one of them is a woman.” Hotch breathed out a sigh. “How does that change the profile?”

“We know that the men were chosen because Lions wanted something they had.”

“Position, status, money-“

“A certain woman.”

Hotch turned to look at Evelyn, who was scanning the basement as if it would hold the answers. There were blood stains on the ground. This was definitely where the victims were killed. There was a door at the top of the stairs, but if these guys were any good at what they did, the door would be locked.

“You think his partner could have been the wife of one of the victims?” Hotch asked.

Evelyn looked back at him and shrugged.

“A wife, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter. Maybe the person he wants to take her from isn’t even dead yet, but he’s the reason Lions is killing.”

“Why would she help him?”

Evelyn breathed out again.

“Maybe she feels trapped where she’s at and he’s got her convinced this is the only way to save her? If she feels completely dependent on him, she might just do whatever he says.”

“Even kill?”

Evelyn shrugged her shoulders again, but they both knew that the answer was yes. A woman caught in a corner was just as capable of killing as anyone else.

“Well, that’s good then,” Hotch said, putting his hands on his hips.

“How is any of that good?”

“It means I’m the one they want, not you,” Hotch said.

Evelyn’s eyebrows pinched together.

“That really doesn’t sound good, Hotch.”

“You can get through to the partner, Caro,” Hotch said, walking back toward her. Evelyn narrowed her eyes even further at him.

“Maybe, yes.”

“Good. That will get us out of here.”

He turned away from her again. He pulled off his blazer and loosened his tie and the temperature in the room raised about fourteen degrees. Evelyn had to shake away her imagination before responding.

“And what are you going to do?”

“What they brought me here for.”

___

“Please, stop!”

The female unsub, Rosalie, held tight to Evelyn’s arms, holding her back as the male unsub, Jeremy Lions, pounded his fist into Hotch’s face.

“You think you’re so strong,” Hotch laughed, taunting Lions. “Don’t you?”

Lions hit Hotch in the face again.

“You have to stop him,” Evelyn said to Rosalie. “No one else can get through to him.”

“He’s doing what he has to to keep us safe,” Rosalie whispered to Evelyn, but despite the strength in her arms, her voice was weak. “Your friend just needs to give in. It’ll be easier that way.”

Lions hit Hotch again and Evelyn cried out, pulling against Rosalie.

“Shut her up, Rose!”

“Shh, shh,” Rosalie whispered in Evelyn’s ear, holding her right from behind. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“No!” Evelyn struggled against the woman holding her, jerking her shoulders in hopes of breaking free.

“You really think that any of this will earn you manhood, Lions?” Hotch said with a laugh, turning the unsub’s gaze back onto him and away from Evelyn.

Lions hit Hotch in the face again.

“Stop it, damnit!”

Lions whirled around and backhanded Evelyn in attempts to get her to quiet down. Rosalie gasped and let Evelyn fall to the ground.

“Jeremy! You said we wouldn’t hurt her!”

Lions let out a growl and grabbed onto Rosalie’s arm, dragging her out of the basement and leaving Hotch and Evelyn behind.

“You need to get through to Rosalie, Caro,” Hotch said as soon as she took a single step toward him.

“I am,” she huffed. Hotch raised an eyebrow at her. “She doesn’t want me to get hurt, that much is clear. If she associates you getting hurt with me getting hurt, she’ll push for Lions to hurt you less.”

Hotch nodded his head once, stretching out his jaw.

“You trust me, right?” Hotch said.

“Of course.” Evelyn’s response was immediate.

“Good.”

That night, they slept in the basement on opposite sides of the room, even though it was freezing cold. Saying they slept was an over exaggeration. Evelyn could barely even close her eyes. It was the cold that kept her eyes frozen open, but it was also the reality of it all. She was trapped, once again. She was a prisoner, once again. She was at the mercy of a man, once again.

And Hotch was here but she had never felt more alone.

The door creaked open and Evelyn sat up with a gasp. She shuffled backward, away from the door, but it was just Rosalie walking down the wooden stairs. The woman locked the door behind her, but still flinched.

“Hi,” Rosalie whispered as she neared. There was a cup and a plate in her hand. She watched the sleeping Hotch as she walked by, only turning her attention back to Evelyn once she passed him.

“Hi,” Evelyn whispered back, pulling her knees up to her chest.

“I…I’m not going to hurt you,” Rosalie said. She lowered herself to the ground a few feet away from her. Rosalie set the cup and the plate down and scooted it closer to Evelyn.

Evelyn looked between the food and the woman.

“You need to eat.” Rosalie’s voice was soft. Kindly.

Evelyn straightened her back and lifted her chin, giving a slight shake of the head.

“I’m not hungry.”

Rosalie let out a sigh and turned to look over at Hotch, who still slept soundly.

“Saving it for him won’t do anything for either of you,” Rosalie said, almost sadly. “Only one of you is making it out of here. I think you know which one it’s going to be.”

___

“Here, eat.” Evelyn pushed the plate of cold potatoes and toast in his direction, the cup of water sitting on top. Hotch raised an eyebrow at her. “Rosalie came in last night. Brought us some food.”

“Did you eat?” He asked her, sitting up from his sleeping position.

Evelyn nodded her head.

“Caro-“

“I ate, Hotch,” she said, a little more harshly than she meant to. “You need to keep your strength if we’re going to have a repeat of yesterday.”

Hotch almost laughed as he hooked his finger over the edge of the plate and slid it toward himself. Evelyn watched, her stomach gurgling as he took a bite out of the bread.

“Stale toast is just ravishing, isn’t it?” Evelyn asked as she leaned up against the wall he also sat against. Hotch hummed his response. He ate slowly, took a sip of water.

“How are you?” He asked.

Evelyn rolled her head against the wall to look over at him.

“Just peachy, Hotchner. How are you?”

“I’m serious. How are you doing?”

Evelyn let out a sigh, looked up at the ceiling, and closed her eyes.

“Taking it one breath at a time,” she said. “I’ll deal with the aftermath once we’re out of here.”

Evelyn looked over at him again and attempted a half-cocked smile. Hotch wasn’t smiling. He was staring at her, staring right through her smile and her outer shell of calmness and straight into her soul where her wound was, her wound that was slowly starting to heal.

“I’ll be okay, Aaron,” she said, dropping her smile. “Promise.”

Hotch nodded his head and turned away from her.

“Don’t do anything stupid today, Caro,” he told her.

“Do I ever?”

___

“I told you not to do anything stupid,” Hotch sighed as Evelyn let out a hiss of pain.

“I didn’t realize that trying to stop you from dying was considered something stupid.”

“It is when you get put in harm’s way.”

Evelyn held a strip of her shirt against her bleeding nose. Hotch rolled up his sleeves.

“We’ve got two days left here,” Hotch said, pacing back and forth in front of Evelyn.

“The team will find us,” Evelyn replied. She lowered the piece of her shirt and scrunched her nose before stretching it out again.

“I don’t doubt it.”

The sun went down sooner than Evelyn thought it would, meaning she had slept longer than she thought she had.

“You should sleep,” Hotch said.

“I’m not tired.”

“He won’t hurt you, Caro.”

The dark concealed Hotch’s face from her, even though he was only a few feet away. Evelyn shifted uncomfortably.

“I know.”

“If I don’t make it out of here-“

“Hotch, stop. We’re both going to walk out of here just fine.”

“But if I don’t, promise to take care of Jack.” Evelyn breathed in deeply, ready to shake her head and tell him again that they were going to both survive this. “Promise me.”

Instead of arguing, which she knew would get them nowhere, Evelyn nodded her head.

“I promise.”

Hotch didn’t say anything else. Evelyn didn’t sleep. The change in his breathing after a while told her that he had fallen asleep.

She didn’t know how long it was before the door creaked open. Evelyn startled and sat up straighter, gasping in a breath. But it was just Rosalie, coming down with more food. This time, she didn’t say anything. She sat right next to Evelyn and set the food between them.

“You have to eat,” she said finally.

Evelyn reached out and took the cup of water and brought it to her parched lips. She drank some, but set it down before it was finished.

“You don’t have to save it for him.”

Evelyn turned her head to look at Rosalie.

“He’s my friend. I’m not going to let him starve.”

Rosalie was quiet for a moment.

“I think he’s more than that.”

“How did you meet Jeremy?” Evelyn asked. She thought she saw a smile on Rosalie’s lips.

“I lived with my brother and his wife as their live-in nanny of sorts. Jeremy worked for them as a gardener. My father kept me locked up my entire life and when he died, my brother took over. His sister’s keeper or something. But Jeremy he…. he made me feel free and alive and seen. And so, so loved.”

Rosalie stopped there, her smile lingering for a few moments before falling.

“But he changed, didn’t he?”

Rosalie nodded her head slowly, her lower lip curling and tears starting to run down her cheeks. Evelyn just let her cry for a few moments, until the woman collected herself. She sucked in a sob and stuffed her hands full of her dress.

“He took me from my brother’s house, brought me here,” Rosalie said. “Said he needed my help.”

“He used you to lure in men that he saw as superior to himself so that he could kill them.”

Rosalie nodded again, tears still rolling from her eyes.

“I never wanted to…I tried to tell him that I love him as he is…that he doesn’t need to-“

“Rosalie, listen to me. Nothing you could ever do will convince him of that because his issues have nothing to do with you,” Evelyn said, turning to face her.

“I don’t….”

“Jeremy Lions may love you, Rosalie, but he is very sick. He is not killing people to be a better man for you, no matter what he has told you. He feels inferior so he thinks he has to kill to be superior. That’s why he wanted Hotch.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

Evelyn heaved out a breath.

“Hotchner is everything Jeremy thinks he’s lacking. Confident, strong. He’s got a high-ranking job. He’s respected by his peers. He’s good looking and has a nice home and great friends. Jeremy doesn’t think he has any of this and he wants it, which is why he wants to hurt Hotchner.”

“To take something he doesn’t think he has.”

Evelyn sucked in a breath and reached forward to take Rosalie’s hands in hers.

“No matter what you do, Rosalie, you will never be enough for him, do you understand? He has you, he has love, but that will never be enough for him.”

“No, no!” Rosalie stood up quickly. “No. Once we’re married, everything will be okay. We’ll buy a new house. Live a happy life.”

“Rosalie-“

“No! You’re wrong.”

“Rosalie….”

“You’re wrong!”

Rosalie hurried out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Evelyn shut her eyes again. With a growl, she pounded her knuckles into the hard concrete ground.

“You okay?”

Hotch was barely awake, his voice gravelly and tired.

“I’m okay, Hotch, go back to sleep.”

He grumbled something and was soon asleep again. Evelyn could do nothing but sigh. Still, she didn’t sleep.

The next day went no better than the last. It was night again before Evelyn knew it. She sat on the ground, head between her knees. Hotch stood, leaning up against the support beam in the middle of the room.

“You’re not sleeping,” he said. Evelyn didn’t move. “Talk to me.”

“I told you, I’ll deal with it after we get out of here,” she told him, her words muffled by her knees.

Hotch walked toward her and let out a groan as he lowered himself to the ground.

“You can sleep,” he told her, his words even quieter than they were before. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

Evelyn lifted her head finally to look at him.

“That’s not why I’m not sleeping,” she said, which was partially a lie. She didn’t sleep because she needed to be aware at all times. She couldn’t risk nodding off and letting her guard down. But there was another part to it.

“What’s bothering you?” he asked her.

“I thought I was going to die alone in that house, Aaron.” Her voice was thick with tears. “Twice. I stay awake because I can’t stand the thought of dying alone. And if you die while I’m sleeping-“

Hotch reached out and took her hand in his. When she looked over at him, he was staring straight ahead, not looking at her. She let out a shaky sigh and let him lace his fingers through hers. It was all the comfort that she needed.

“You’re not going to die alone,” Hotch told her. “You’re not going to die here at all.”

Evelyn nodded and let a few of the tears in her eyes fall, grateful for the darkness to cover her face. She lowered her head slowly to his shoulder, damning all protocol to hell, if there even was protocol for maybe dying in a basement with your boss. When Hotch didn’t immediately pull away from her or shake her off his shoulder, she settled in and shut her eyes.

“You’re not dying here either,” she said. “Not if I can help it.”

For the first time in days, Evelyn slept.

She awoke to someone grabbing hold of her hand. Her first thought was that it was Hotch squeezing her in his sleep. But when she gasped and opened her eyes, she found that it was just Rosalie sitting in front of her. It was still dark outside. She thought that the woman had brought her more food, but she turned out to be wrong.

“We have to go,” Rosalie whispered. “We have to go.”

“What?”

“Shh, shh,” Rosalie put a shaking finger to her lips and pulled on Evelyn’s hand. “You were right. We have to go now.”

Rosalie pulled Evelyn to her feet, dragging her toward the door before she was even fully awake.

“Wait, stop,” Evelyn whispered, trying to shake herself awake.

“No, now! This is the only chance you have.”

Rosalie dragged Evelyn out of the basement doors and up the stairs into the house above. It wasn’t the same house that Hotch and Evelyn had been searching before, she could tell that even in the dark.

“Where are you taking me, Rosalie?”

“You have to get out of here, now! Jeremy doesn’t want to kill you, but he will,” Rosalie said, pulling her through the rundown and dirty home.

“Stop. Stop!” Evelyn dug her heels into the ground and forced Rosalie to stop. “I’m not leaving Aaron.”

“You don’t have time!” There was nothing but pure desperation in Rosalie’s voice. “Jeremy knows I left. He’s coming here. You have to go now or you’re not going at all.”

Evelyn wrenched her arm out of Rosalie’s grip.

“I’m not leaving him.”

“Jeremy will kill you.” Rosalie sounded desperate, terrified.

Evelyn shook her head and took a step backward.

“I don’t care. I’m not leaving him.” Rosalie’s shoulders sagged in defeat. “Go. Call the police. Tell them where we are.”

Rosalie nodded her head.

“Go.”

Without another word, Rosalie turned around and ran from the house.

Evelyn watched her go. Her heart rate spiked when headlights flashed through the front window. All she could do for Rosalie was hope that she found some place to hide until Lions entered the house. If Lions was here, this was it. He was coming for Hotch.

Evelyn ran back to the basement as quietly as she could. She shut the basement door, hearing it lock with a heart wrenching click, just as the front door opened. She hurried down the stairs and dropped to the ground next to Hotch, startling him awake.

“What’s going on?” Hotch asked, still sounding stuck in sleep.

“Lions is here,” Evelyn whispered to him. “Rosalie is gone, she’s calling the police.”

“How-“

“We need a plan and quick,” Evelyn told him.

“We don’t know how long it will take for the police to respond,” Hotch replied quietly, his voice surprisingly calm. This might be his last few moments on earth, and he wasn’t terrified or angry or anxious. He was just calm. “All of his attention will be on me. You can escape then.”

She shook her head.

“I’m not leaving you here.”

“This isn’t a time for heroics.”

“That’s not what this is about.”

Before Hotch could argue, Evelyn pushed herself to her feet.

“What are you doing?” Hotch asked, standing after her.

“Like you said, Lions’ attention will all be on you. He won’t be expecting me.”

“Caro-“

She sunk into the shadows just as the door of the basement opened. Lions trudged down the stairs, grumbling to himself.

At the bottom of the stairs, he turned toward Hotch.

“Where’s the girl?” Lions asked, his voice low and gruff.

Hotch was silent.

“Doesn’t matter,” the unsub grumbled to himself. With his back to her completely, Lions started for Hotch. Evelyn would make sure he never reached him.

She crept out from her shadows, walking toward Lions. The ever present ache in her head from when Lions knocked her out didn’t even stop her. She was silent as she moved until she was right up behind him. In one quick motion, Evelyn kicked the back of his knee, dropping him to the ground before wrapping her arm around his neck.

Lions struggled against Evelyn. He was strong and she was weak from days with little food and water as well as the head injury. But she held on as tight to his neck as she could.

Hotch ran to check the basement door, but Lions had closed it, leaving it locked.

As he did so, Evelyn was so focused on keeping her grip on Lions, that she didn’t see his hand moving toward his pocket. He pulled out a knife and rammed it into her shin. She cried out, falling back and away from Lions.

“Evelyn!”

Hotch turned away from the door and ran back toward her as Lions stumbled away. Evelyn fell back against the support beam, lowering herself to the ground as she pressed her hands against the cut on her leg.

Hotch ran toward Evelyn, but Lions intercepted him. Fire spread throughout Evelyn’s leg, dark blood seeping through her fingers. She clenched her jaw in hopes of easing the pain. Hotch and Lions tumbled, a blur of bodies that Evelyn once again couldn’t distinguish. This scene was all too familiar to her.

Hotch was trained, but he was weak. Lions relied mostly on his size and strength, but lacked any formal training. Evelyn needed to get back into the fight, that was the only way Hotch would win this.

With a groan of effort and a sharp stabbing pain shooting through her leg, Evelyn forced herself to stand. Using the support beam as her support as well, she allowed herself a few moments to breathe through the pain before lurching forward.

Lions had Hotch pinned against the wall, his arm across his chest to keep him there. Evelyn hurtled toward Lions, pushing through the pain in her leg and barreled into him. This knocked him off balance. Being unable to stop herself once she started, she and Lions tumbled over each other until they were both on the ground. Hotch started forward to help Evelyn to her feet, but Lions had an arm around her waist and the knife pressed to her neck before either of them could really react.

“Back off,” Lions said, his voice even more gruff than before. Blood dribbled down from a broken nose and he wheezed, telling Evelyn that Hotch had hit him enough times near the diaphragm to knock the wind out of him.

The cool of the metal knife pressed against Evelyn’s throat didn’t scare her. Especially when she met Hotch’s gaze. That dead calm he always put forward she now felt flow through her veins. Everything was going to be okay, she could see it in his eyes. Evelyn breathed as shallowly as she could, trying to keep her throat from extending too far into the knife.

Lions pushed himself off the ground and brought Evelyn up with him. The knife cut into the first few layers of her throat and Evelyn flinched, feel the cool of her own blood dribble down her neck. Hotch put his hands in the air, trying to show that he meant Lions no harm.

“She’s not a part of this,” Hotch said. “You know that, Lions.”

“She’s a bitch is what she is,” Lions snapped, pressing the knife harder against Evelyn’s neck.

Hotch flinched forward and Evelyn shut her eyes.

“You want me, Lions, not her.” This was the calmness that Evelyn had never understood before. Her negotiation skills had never been good. Hotch said that she was too emotional. She cared too much and it was too easy to read in her voice. But Hotch was too good at pretending not to care at all. “Let her go and I’ll go with you.”

“No, Hotch-“

“Shut up,” Lions seethed in her ear. “You don’t get to talk.”

“Is that how you treat Rosalie, huh?” Evelyn asked, her hands on his arm that held the knife to her throat. “You call her a bitch and tell her shut up?”

“Be quiet!”

Evelyn could feel blood soak into her shirt, weighing it down.

“Lions, look at me,” Hotch said, pulling his attention away from Evelyn. “You can let her go.”

Evelyn felt her wounded leg start to grow numb and her balance shifted. In not too long, she wasn’t sure that she would be able to keep herself standing upright.

The door behind them burst open and Evelyn let out a gasp. Lions flinched and loosened his grip on her just enough that she broke free from him and stumbled forward, right into Hotch.

“Jeremy Lions, drop the knife and put your hands in the air!” Emily Prentiss said, her voice deep and commanding.

Evelyn’s leg gave out, every ounce of weight put on it causing a shooting pain up and down her entire body. Hotch held her up by her arms, her back pressed against his chest. He was the only thing keeping her standing and she could barely even do that.

Lions didn’t turn around, but he put his hands up in the air.

“Rosalie did this,” he said, his voice deadly low.

“Drop the knife, Lions,” Emily said again.

“You turned her against me.” Lions shifted his angered eyes away from Hotch and onto Evelyn. “You did.”

“I don’t want to shoot you, Lions, but I will.”

“You turned her against me!”

Lions took half a step toward them, the knife now facing her. Hotch turned Evelyn away, preparing to step between them, but Emily fired a single shot, the bullet tearing right through Lions’ shoulder. He fell to the ground with a cry of pain, the knife falling out of his grip.

Evelyn, still unable to stand on her own, turned to Hotch, her neck still bleeding.

“Are you okay?” she asked him, noting the bruises on his face.

“Are you guys alright?” Emily asked, her gun trained on Lions.

“We need a medic,” Hotch said. Emily nodded her head, her eyes flickering down the cut in Evelyn’s shin and neck.

Emily relayed the information through her earpiece, as well as saying the offender was down. Evelyn stayed leaned up against Hotch, his hands clinging to her arms to keep her steady, as Emily took Lions away in handcuffs.

Morgan and Reid came running into the basement along with the paramedics.

“Evie,” Morgan stepped toward her and she just smiled.

“We’re okay,” she told him.

“Ma’am,” the paramedic said. “Let’s get you to the ambulance.”

The paramedics stepped forward, one taking hold of Evelyn. The other moved toward Hotch.

“How are you feeling?” the paramedic asked him.

“Can you make it to the ambulance?” the paramedic asked Evelyn, who nodded her head.

“I can carry you,” Morgan said, stepping forward. Evelyn let out a quiet laugh.

“I can manage on my own, Derek,” she told him. Still, he followed her and the paramedic, his hands out just in case she started to fumble.

They helped her up the stairs and she looked back at Hotch, to find that his eyes were still on her. He nodded her head and she smiled at him.

The pain that flared throughout Evelyn’s leg was white hot, but with the paramedic taking most of her weight and Morgan just behind her, Evelyn was able to make it to through the house and to the ambulance without letting a single tear fall from her eye.

Hotch came out of the house a few minutes later, the paramedic still trying to get him to sit for a moment while Reid filled him in on everything they missed in the case.

“I’d like to speak with Rosalie,” Hotch said.

“She’s over here,” Reid said.

Hotch tried not to look over at the ambulance where he knew Evelyn was. He still had a job to do and he couldn’t focus on that if all he could think about was whether or not she was okay. He knew she was okay. She was always okay.

Rosalie sat in the back of one of the cop cars, her eyes closed and silent tears running down her cheeks. Hotch popped open the door, but she didn’t look at him.

“Is he alive?” she asked.

“He’ll survive,” Hotch told her. Rosalie let out a shaky breath and slowly opened her eyes. “Why did you help us?”

“I didn’t help you,” she said, looking away from him and toward the ambulance. “I helped Evelyn.”

Hotch scowled.

“She loves you, you know?”

Her words startled him and Hotch felt ice run through his blood.

“What?”

“She loves you. I gave her food at night but she’d only eat part of it, saved the rest for you. And last night I came to take her somewhere safe before Jeremy came back to kill you, but she refused to leave. I almost had her out of that house, but she ran back in. For you.”

Hotch looked down at his feet. He didn’t really expect anything less of Evelyn Caro. She always put everyone’s lives above her own. He shouldn’t expect her to act any different toward him.

But anger still bubbled up inside of him. She could have gotten herself killed and for what? She should have left him there and ran to get help. She should have….

“You better be damn sure you’re worth it.” Rosalie’s words were venom and Hotch could feel their sting deep in his blood.

Hotch shut the door, leaving Rosalie to her silence and grief. He turned to look at the ambulance, just as Morgan was stepping into the back. The paramedic shut the door, closing Hotch off from Evelyn. The siren started to blare, and the ambulance rolled out of the driveway.

“They’re taking her to the hospital,” Prentiss said, walking over to him. Hotch nodded his head. “Lost too much blood to just let her come back with us.”

“She kept antagonizing him,” Hotch said as he placed his hands on his hips. “If she had just let me go with him-“

“Caro was protecting you, sir,” Prentiss said. He looked at her, scowl deepening. “She knew that as soon as Lions had you, he would kill you. She had to make sure that didn’t happen.”

Hotch watched the ambulance as it drove away, the sirens ringing.

He never got the chance to ask if she was okay.

___

Evelyn lay back in her bed at the hotel, staring at the ceiling. A bandage wrapped around her leg and it itched, making it impossible for her to sleep. There was something else keeping her awake. Her mind reeled, the last few days playing over and over in her head. Trapped in a room with Hotch for days on end was the perfect time to talk to him about all the things that were bothering her, but even then, she couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t even know where to begin because she didn’t even know what she was feeling anyway.

Sitting up with a huff, Evelyn glowered into the darkness. She threw off her blankets that were making her too hot, lowering herself onto the ground and landing on her good leg. She hobbled over to her discarded clothes and threw them back on.

Air was what she needed. A breath of fresh air. And then she’d be okay. She could go back to pretending that everything was fine and normal, like she always did.

As she pulled a coat onto her shoulders, she opened the door and froze.

Hotch was standing there, wearing a broken down version of his usual suit. His tie and jacket were discarded, his shirt buttoned up sloppily. She wondered if he had ever even gone to bed. And he was standing in front of her door, his hand not even raised to knock. He was just standing there.

He looked at her with wide eyes, shocked to find her there.

“Um, hi,” Evelyn said, dropping her hand from the doorknob.

“I just wanted to check to see how you were doing,” Hotch said.

“Hotch, it’s like three in the morning.”

He looked down at his hands. He was actually fidgeting. Something had made him motivated enough to come here, but nervous enough not to knock.

“I know. I can go-“

“No, wait.” He froze. “I never got to ask if you were okay.”

Hotch nodded his head.

“I’m okay.”

“Good.”

They stood there in silence. Evelyn felt her throat tighten every time she wanted to say something. Hotch wouldn’t look at her. The silence seemed to drag on for eternity before Hotch finally broke it.

“I talked to Rosalie, after everything, and she said something,” Hotch said. Evelyn finally put her eyes on him.

“What…what did she say?”

There were a thousand terrible things that Evelyn could think of that the woman could have possibly said to land her standing in front of her boss at three in the morning.

“She said that you had a chance to leave that house and you came back,” he told her. Evelyn straightened her back. This was going to be a lecture, she could just feel it coming. She just didn’t know why it couldn’t wait until morning. “Why?”

Evelyn scowled and looked at the ground, her hand still on the door.

“Why?” She repeated. “Because I couldn’t leave you there.”

“You should have.”

Evelyn felt her temper begin to rise. What was it with this man?

“A ‘thank you for saving my life’ would suffice,” she said, her tone harsh. “If I hadn’t come back, Lions would have killed you. From where I’m standing, I made the right decision.”

“And got yourself hurt in the process.”

“I’ll survive.” Hotch fell quiet again. “Listen, Aaron, if you’ve come to pick a fight, I think it can wait until morning.”

Evelyn took a step back and started to close the door, but Hotch lifted his hand and stopped it from closing. She looked over at him, jaw tightened, and found him staring back at her.

“I’m not here to pick a fight with you,” he said.

“Then why did you come?”

She could see the question rattling around in his brain, as if he had been asking himself that very same question ever since he left his room.

“I’m sick of this, Aaron,” she said finally, when he didn’t answer. “I’m sick of neither of us being able to say what we really mean. I’m sick of running in circles around each other. Just tell me why you came here.”

“I came to make sure you’re okay.”

“Mission accomplished then. I’m fine. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She started to close the door again and this time he didn’t stop her.

“Rosalie also said you loved me.”

Evelyn froze, the door almost shut so she couldn’t see his face anymore. Which was good because it meant that he also couldn’t see hers and the fear that was etched into every feature. Her breathing became heavy, like every breath took so much more work. She closed her eyes, and slowly started to open the door again.

“Rosalie said that?” Hotch nodded his head once. “Did you believe her?”

He was quiet for a moment, letting out a long but quiet sigh.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re a profiler. Tell me, what do you think?”

He took a while to answer.

“I think you’re a deeply compassionate person who cares for the team. I think you would give your life for any one of us in a heartbeat.” Evelyn looked down at her feet and Hotch tried to follow her eyes with his. “I know that you would never do anything to jeopardize the dynamics of this team because we’ve become your family.”

“Okay.”

“So, I don’t know how much of what you say and do is because the team is your family and how much is because-“

“-I love you.”

The words came from her mouth like any other fact would. She had known it for so long, never said it, not even to herself, but she knew it. And she managed to say it so casually. She was just completing his sentence after all.

Hotch stood still, as if trying to decide whether or not she was finishing what he was saying or confessing. He searched her eyes, but she stayed motionless. It was time he figured things out for himself, she decided. They’d both spent so long trying to figure the other out, it was high time someone just made the first move.

“When you were at Ralph Bennet’s house,” he said finally, “I had these horrible dreams about finding you there already dead. I was too late to save you.”

Evelyn could have sworn there were tears glimmering in his eyes.

“You did though, Aaron. You did save me.”

“But was I too late?” He asked. “Did I wait too long for…everything else?”

“What do you want, Aaron?” Her voice was just at a whisper, her hand still on the door.

It was the last time she would ask. This was the last time and then she’d let it go, let him go. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life, however short that might be, pining after one man.

Hotch surprised her then. He didn’t say anything else, he didn’t try to talk. Talking was clearly getting him nowhere. Everything he said somehow came out wrong. Instead, he took a step toward her, closing the distance between them. Putting a hand to her cheek, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers.

His answer was clear. It took her a few moments to over come her shock, but when she did, she reached out to grab hold of his shirt collar, pulling him in closer.

She pulled him into her room and shut the door, leaving the hallway empty and quiet.

Her room was still dark as he moved her backward, his hands never leaving her. He thought he had lost her. But here she was, with him, and that’s all he needed.

“You,” he whispered against her skin. “Just you.”

Every raging fire that made up Evelyn Caro met the calm seas that built Aaron Hotchner, burning and boiling and soothing in every possible way.

He kissed her lips, her bruised cheek bone, her jaw. His hands rested against the side of her neck, gently though, so as not to irritate her wound. She tugged at his wrinkled shirt, trying to pull him closer.

Hotch knew this was breaking protocol. But he left behind every rule in the book when he left his room two hours ago. Every inch of contact with her made his stomach twist, every time her teeth grazed his lip made his heart pound. For so long he had wanted her and for so long he had pretended otherwise. He was so, so tired of pretending.

He was pulling off her shirt and she didn’t stop him and he didn’t stop himself, but he couldn’t. He just needed all of her.

Evelyn gasped, her intake of breath so sharp that Hotch pulled away. She breathed raggedly, her chest rising and falling.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, his eyes moving to her neck.

Consumed by her, he had forgotten the shape she was in. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her.

“I’m not that fragile,” she told him. There was a smug look on her face, her lips twitched up into a smile.

Hotch leaned forward to kiss that smile, soft and gentle. His hands dropped to her waist and he kissed her again. He intended to pull away, leave her be for the night, but every time he tried, he came back to her like a magnet.

Evelyn had just as hard as a time keeping away from him. His calloused hands were grazing over her sides, her waist, her stomach, her back. Her hands were trembling as she fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. Her heart pounded like a drum beat in her chest, so hard that she could hear it in her ears and it made her hands shake.

She expected him to stop her, to realize what he was doing and take her hands a politely decline, but when the last button came undone, he pulled away from just long enough to take the shirt off himself.

Hotch put his lips back on hers as soon as he could. Evelyn smiled against his kiss.

As if she had burned him, he suddenly stepped away, leaving Evelyn leaning against the wall, heaving for breath. He stared at her, his own breath ragged, his dark eyes smoldering.

“Is something…did I…?”

Shame pooled in Evelyn’s cheeks, making them burn. There she was, completely and utterly exposed, barely able to stand well enough on her own to scurry away.

“You’ve had a very hard year, Evelyn,” he said.

She tilted her head to the side and looked at the ground, locking her jaw.

“Hotch….”

“And I can’t take advantage of-“

“Aaron!” She said with a laugh, forcing him to look at her. “I’m fine. This is fine, more than fine.”

“Is it what you want?” he asked.

She gave a small smile and heaved out a sigh.

“Aaron Hotchner,” she said. “Have I ever done anything I haven’t wanted to?”

Lifting a hand, she curled her finger, beckoning for him. He stepped toward her until he was just a breath away.

“I’ll tell you if I need to stop,” she said to him, just above a whisper.

Evelyn reached up and kissed him again. It took him a few moments to respond, but once he accepted what she said, he leaned into her.

He placed a hand on her chest, right over her heart.

And for once, in a very, very long time, that wound in her soul didn’t feel so gaping.

[blog-jei6x]

How start to love favoritism and get redemption arc in LO.

So i want to talk about Underworld work, especially how much there prospers favoritism. There is you can read post why favoritism is bad 

link

as in this post i started to interest in it after discussion between Daphne and Thanatos, but after i started reread LO i have seen how much Thanatos was right, but his position was shamed by everyone, by"good" characters, by audience, even Author have shown it as something wrong, and only he strated to love Persephone and thought that special attitude to her is fine, he became good person and start his redemtion arc.

i don't want to talk about how unbalanced this relationship is (I saw many posts about it and i have nothing to add), i am more interested how it influences on other co-workers.

Favoritism in underworld or maybe on Olymp seems to be something normal, because Hera given this work for Persephone for to get closer with Hades (it was hinted very clear), although they had antoher opotuinities for this, with their finances and love for Savor they could do Dinner party, ball, party etc where Persephone and Hades could know each other better. Why was love affair at work best variant for it? I sincerely have no idea.

Wherein Persephone said that she isn't enough skilled for this work, so someone enough skilled doesnt get this position, because Hera want to make couple from Persephone and Hades.

i would be fine if Persephone try hard for this job, yes, some characters said that she is smart, but I didn't see her labor and striving, i dont feel like she deserve this position, her only merit on that moment was beuty, it  s not enogh i think, btw to be nice and kind too. As they say in my country "a good person is not a profession".

Let's look on Underworld's bosses.

in story RS tried to show as Hades is hard worker, he preferred work to relationship, he thinks about work even in strip club and many characters said that he is so. But his behavior shows him absolutly from another side.

to my mind he and Hecata busy only his personal life. With Minthe and after with Parsephone.

as soon as Hades knew that Persephone in Underworld he left everything and flew to save her, very romantic, isn't it? but let's think a bit: Persephone came in dangerous closed facility (btw where their security system?) and made accident, it like someone broke in secret laboratory and start the fire, even if it accidentally it s not something that would be left without responsibility.

Someone can said: it's not her fault, it reptile Minthe! I partially agree with it (only partially) but it s truth for audience not for Hades, he didnt know it. For him it should be random person which got into forbidden place and acted badly there.

Hades reaction: he started to regret her, to apologize, to go everywhere with her, What the Hell was going on? oh yes and another co-workers had to look for Persephone`s brooch and cloak, so they had to left their their direct responsibilities, because somebody coulndt go away after she understood that this place is dangerous, she could wait after door of Tower 4 or befor Hades cabinet, she wouldnt lost anything in this way. But Persephone is sooo smart, isnt she, Hera?

btw very considerable moment Thanatos started to worried about his work when he knew that Persephone is liked by Hades, because he entered in train before her, does it mean that Hades not only choose favorites but shamed co-workers which dont like this favorites? we will see that yes he do it.

Another situation is presentation Persephone, oh i feel your cringe Minthe, i were in similar situation, my past boss forced our team to congratulate his girlfriend with birthday, should i say that we even didnt know her?  it was so awkward. when i read this part of story i feel the same cringe as in that day. Yeah this boss was kinda terrible, mb he didn't like me because i am not enough beauty for him? i have this feeling after LO reading.

First working day of Persephone is just quintessence of favoritism. initially Hecate went with her everywhere, after - Hades started to do it, they even changed his schedule and yeah i find indignation of Minthe and Thanatos (i dont care about their motives now) very reasonable and Hecates arguments were just silly. Why he should work with someone unqualified? and why boss dont have better business than to take an excursion ​on Underworld with new intern?

Hecate arguments is annoying, he cant said that she is unskilled (she is really so) because he eaten her baklava? great. Why they need to apologize for Persephone stupidity? Tell me someone pls, it s to hard for my mind. And yeah it's not school prom, mb Hades will start to work and stop flirting with new intern?

Oh i start to hate her, how she can be one of the favorite character by audience. Can she just be honest? Persephone is here and everyone go around her because Hades find her attractive.

Another favoritism example it is Persephone salary, Author could not accentuate that trainee dont get salary in Underworld, and it would be fine, okay she get receive income now but no, Persephone should be special and other interns aren't so special,  it would okay if she would work in office some time and she would be so hard worker that leadership would want to prize her for it. But she is just special, just because she is attractive for Hades. 

In chapter 88 Persephone confessed that she flirt with Hades, but she dont want special treatment, but she embarrassed only by business card, not salary, not that everyone worry about her. It shown as joke, oh ha-ha how naive Persephone, for me it looks not like joke, more like mockery for people who work hard and don't have such prizes, because they are not attractive for their bosses.

And in this chapter Hades left his working place and gone to decide Persephone's problems, problems other workers don't matter, but Hecata asked nice question.

i think no, how Hade's corporation are still active and success with such directors?

but actually no, looks like Thanatos and Minthe are still try to do some job, because only they could teach Persephone how to work with computer program (why is not Hermes? he works in the same position as Thanatos does it mean that he doesn't understand in this work anything because she even did not ask him?) and  I on Thanatos side in this, why he should spend his time for her?  (He already has trouble that he works worse than Hermes) and btw he tried to work, did not fawn for boss favorite, so he tried to make his work better in honest way.

And maybe she will try to read user guide? if she learned how to rule car from reading what is problem to do the same with computer program? and doesn't waste time of another workers.

Anyway It's strange that people which try to work are not fire yet. Because another worker who tried to do her work right was almost fired, because princess don't know her ID. Whose fault is it? Again for Persephone's fault another worker had trouble, and why is shown as humor again? why pain and fear are funny here, and it's unfunny where Gestia acted with Persephone in similar way. I think if it s funny it should be funny with everyone not only with defenseless and weak workers which isnt boss favorite.

and of course hades gone to bank with their interns, because what else he could do on the work? pffffff

the only time where Hades reaction looks adequate at the start at least, it accident where Persephone given coins to souls which made riot  because of it and again with it should deal other workers. everything what happened with Persephone that Hades was a bit angry and after they kissed, she transformation in butterflies, he forget about this accident and started to search what transformation means.

I thought it makes no sense to compare relationship Hades/Persephone and he\his other workers. For everything that she done any other worker would be fired, beaten, killed or something.

this leitmotif in LO if you like Persephone you are nice, if you don't - go to hell. Thanatos redemption start from his liking Persephone and think that Favoritism is fine.

Why it should care other workers and Thanatos especially? because they have trouble because of her, she tried to waste their time, and some great hard worker dont get any prize, where she get prize only for flirting with boss. their boss became unproductive and don't care about them, he think only about his sweet princess. 

So go away Daphne, pls. You are such smart as Persephone.

Btw Thanatos is gathering souls, and Hermes falsified counts of souls because of Persephone, i am not sure about that but looks like Hermes productivity were such great because of this falsification,  so if it is so, he can hate her with pure conscience, because he was blamed that he is lazy and bad worker and didnt get increase in salary.

So okay, i think Favoritism can be in fiction, but not how it was shown in LO, as something unequivocally positive and romantic, and Thanatos opinion was unequivocally shamed, everything it can work with grey moral story and such type of characters, someone can say: in LO characters are "grey", maybe, for me they are much worse than grey, but in story they dont show as grey, grey moral story it s when you can like any character and dont be in others eyes "misogynic" or no one will say to you "dont sit right with me" because of it, and another phrases which get person who prefered unpopular LO characters.

Oh what a huge post, thank you if someone read it to the end)

[cryptidcircuslife]

Hey, those who follow this blog. i have News.

guess who gets to use their running away tips? yup, me.

i wasn't expecting to this quickly. i thought i was going to bs my way through it because my circumstamces werent forcing me to as much anymore. i guess that changed

i'll tell you about my pre-running away process

I have roughly two weeks to leave. It will be in secret from my familys house. i have a seasonal part time job im being kept away from. I dont have enough money to get an apartment and i dont even have any job or housing prospects lined up. I have this short amount of time to get something worked out. I found two shelters i can stay at as transitional housing if necessary. i will not have a car. i have a ride lined up, however.

i didnt want to ask anyone for help at all, actually. i hate hate hate bothering people. if i were a minor, being reported is a valid fear. if i wasnt dead certain that i could trust these people, i wouldnt have asked. it is very good to keep your plans secret- and the less people that know, the better. i have to leave so soon (and carless/planless) because i accidentally mentioned part of my plans to the wrong person. so

1. be very careful who you ask for help, but trusted people can make your plans work so much faster and safer. i only trust people who: have been through similar situations or know about my past and hate my family - have no way of contacting my family - and ideally live in my destination city

Next. packing. i can bring a backpack, two duffel bags, and my scooter.

thankfully due to my room all my stuff is packed in a cupboard. so its not suspicious for it to all be bundled up inside. im leaving anything i wont need daily. only a few personal items. the urgency put a lot into perspective. i will buy food when i get to the city. i wont carry it.

2: bringing

7 days of clothes since i have space. only the accessories i will be wearing when i leave. light winter gear. a towel

hygeine- moisturizer, shampoo, comb, deodorant, toothbrush, essential oils to get rid of musty smell on my clothes, period stuff

half of my survival gear- self defense stuff, tools, paracord, tiny first aid kit, sewing kit, stuff to sell for money later.

water bottle, personal documents, wallet, phone, keys, a few small electronics, sketchbook, a jar of peanut butter, and all my pills

i have to so so nonchalantly do my laundry and stuff and just wait and prepare. its excellent acting practice. thankfully everyone is at work most days

i was not anticipating the adrenaline. its very neutral. it only became slight dread on the second day. it's bittersweet- a "damn this is actually happening, huh?" it gave me the motivation to complete a Lot of things. but i'm not done yet

3: things i have to wait for in the two weeks i have left:

my most important docs are locked away. i have to get to them.

i have to do my laundry. but i am only going to wear the clothes i'm leaving behind in the meantime so packing is fast.

i might have to make a doctors appointment. they wont be happy about that

i am going to try saving up some more cash with art commissions and such.

i have to keep searching for a job and apartment for later. find homeless resources.

once i leave its going to be interesting getting the amenities i need. depending on where i live it'll probably just be food and my medicine. i have a lot of eating restrictions so itll be hard

[iaminlovewithtrr]

Christmas with a stranger

This is my submission for 'gift of cheer' by @cordonianroyalty and @texaskitten30. This is the fluff one shot requested by @anjanettaexcordonia.

Characters belong to pixelberry

Pairings:LiamxRiley

A/N: this is the first fic I have ever written, so i apologize for any mistakes. Criticism is openly accepted, negative or otherwise. Feel free to say anything!

Tags: @texaskitten30 @cordonianroyalty

@kat-tia801 @eadanga @xxrainbow-princessxx @knightthunderis @kingliam2019 @anjanettexcordonia @stuti-singh @queenrileyrose @bbrandy2002 @twinkleallnight @bebepac @ladyrileyrussel @hopelessromanticsposts @dcbbw

Summary: Two strangers spend Christmas day with which each other, which changes the rest of their lives.....

Song inspiration: All I want for Christmas is you

Word count:2683

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

Don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas Day

I just want you for my own

It was the morning of Christmas, and Riley was overly excited. She always waited for this time of the year, especially Christmas. Nothing is more enjoyable than sipping cider in the presence of her beloved and enjoying the Christmas meal, she always thoughts. Orphaned at 4 ,she didn't had a blood family to celebrate with , but was blessed with a great deal of foster family and friends. Every year, during Christmas, as a sort of tribute, she spends the entire day celebrating with the children of her previous foster care. Watching those kids playing merrily reminded her of her own good days in the past.

She quickly ate her breakfast and made her way out of her NY apartment, whistling and softly humming to the tune of All I want for Christmas is you, her favorite song.

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

Baby....

She was so engrossed in her little singing gig that she barely registered the stranger coming towards her, and crashed right into his broad chest, spilling her reticule's content on the sidewalk.

"Oof"she yelped, rubbing her forhead.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! Let me help with those! " the stranger apologized.

Riley and the stranger kneeled down at the same moment to collect her scattered belonging, and for the first time the two glanced into each others eyes. Ocean blue eyes locking onto dark ones. Damn... Those eyes.. Riley swallowed.

"Ahem" she softy cleared her thought, quickly collected her belongings, and stood up.

"Sorry for that. Should've watched my steps. " then she quickly disappeared into the crowd, not noticing the stranger eyes on her from behind.

Riley finally arrived at the foster care. Loving hearts. A bit strange name, but filling her chest with warmth nonetheless. She rummaged through her reticule for her Digital key card, but it was not there.

"Uh...?"she muttered. "Where the hell is my keycard? "

After a few moment of searching she gave up. "Im not going to get in there without my key card...."

"Excuse me Miss.... But I belive this is yours. " a voice behind her startled her.

Riley turned around and found herself staring at the pair of those same dark eyes she encountered earlier. I'd recognise those eyes anywhere, even though I had stared at his eyes for less than 5 seconds. The (cute) guy i bumped with!

"Ahem" the stranger let out a exaggerated cough and riley realised that she has been staring at his face for a solid 10 seconds.

"Right.. Ahem... Sorry... I mean... Thank you for returning this. You totally saved my ass--, i mean my...my...job". Way to make a fool of yourself Riley.

The stranger laughed quitly. "Well then I am glad I could save your job. But I should get going."

Just as he turned, a little voice in the back of her head called out to her, and instinctively she reached out and grabbed his sleeve.

"Er... Sir... I know this is extremly forward of me... But if you would be kind enough to spend the day with volunteering at the orphanage I work at? We are kinda short-staffed tonight, and there aren't much volunteers. Those children at the orphanage will be quite happy to see a new face. You could spend the with them. And me. If you are free, that is?

Crap. Crap. Crap. This i really asked a random hot stranger to volunteer?! Snap the hell out of it Riley!

Plz say yes. Plz say yes. The little voice inside her screamed.

To her surprise, he gave her a smile. "Id be happy to. I don't have any special plans for today. Btw. "

He smiled, and stuck out her hand to shake hers.

"Liam Rys"

"Riley Brooks". She said she she shook his hand. A familiar electric tinge sparked through her veins as she held his hand. His hand impossibly smooth underneath her. Woah! Are guys even supposed to have this soft hands? I wonder what kind of moisturiser he uses....

"Miss Brooks --"

"Call me Riley. "

"Well ahem, Riley.. it is rather cold outside. What say we make it inside? "

"Oh right."

She quickly swiped her keycard and stepped inside, sighing contentedly as the warm air from the heaters enveloped her. She melted a little inside as she felt Liam's warm body alongside her. Brushing this aside, she focused her attention on the scenario in front of her. Numerous gift boxes piled beneath the Christmas tree... Children merrily running and there... Volunteers mingling with each other and the children... The aroma of the food... And the Christmas songs softly playing in the background. A wide smile played on her lips.

While Riley was busy observing the surroundings, Liam found his sight stuck on the beautiful women he had known for not more than 15 minutes. She was beautiful, in a way that the noble ladies back at home in Cordonia arn't. And seeing her here in here element, smiling widely without giving a damn about public decorum or whatsoever, he found himself attracted to her. And without a second thought, he agreed to volunteer. We'll see how the day goes...

Liam cleared his throat, claiming her attention. "So what needs to be done? "

"As you can see this is a orphanage, so the children here dont have any families to celebrate the holidays with. So each year, myself and many other gather here to celebrate the celebrate with them. Thats what we have to do. Mingle with the children, play with them... And make them feel loved. "

"Sure. I can definately do that. I actually volunteered too at orphanages back home."

"If I may ask, Where are you from?

Liam immediately stiffened at the question. When he asked his father for a quiet getaway before the beginning of the social season, meeting Riley was not on the itinerary. And the fact that he was leaving Tommorow didnt helped either. The last thing he wanted to do was to lie with her, but he wasn't going to destroy these good moments he had with her by revealing that he was the crown prince of cordonia.

"I'm actually from one of the small islands surrounding Greece. "

Before she could open her mouth to ask more, Liam immediately turned away to play with one of the children.

The day went on quite peacefully and quite enjoyable for Liam. Holidays back home were anything besides spending with families. It was all about press conferences and photo ops and disguised motives hidden away in gifts. But here I was a lot more different, the sight of children playfully jostling each other without giving a damn made him smile, as that was the part of childhood he missed.

He suddenly felt a small hand on his shoulder and his pulse quickened at the feel of skin over his clothes. Behind her was Riley, holding a eggnog mug in her hands.

"Not to ruin your volunteering gig, but I got you something. "She said as she handed him the mug. Their fingers brushed, and lingered for just a moment longer.

"Ahem. Thank you. " Liam blushed, his ears turning pink.

Riley chucked softly at his antics. He is already so cute, and looks extra cute while he blushes.

Night came quickly. After winding up all the activities for the day including the gift exchanging and christmas dinner, all the children were put to bed and the volunteers were bidding their goodbyes. Only the foster care staff plus liam was left behind.

Riley glanced around. All the staff were mingling on the rooftop, with only her and Liam left in the main hall.

"Hey.... " she softly asked Liam, who was lounging in a chair beside her.

"Yeah? "

"Will you accompany me for a little walk around the times square? I just wanna clear my head a bit. " And hopefully spend some time with you...

He smiled. "Sure! Just let me get my coats. "

The pair walker out of the building and into the cold, brisk night. Celebrations were in full swing outside. Its called the city who never sleeps for Nothing.

Outside was really cold, and with the softly falling snow Riley barely suppressed the shiver that ran up het spine. Suddenly she felt strong arms around her shoulders and a moment later a coat was wrapped around them.

"I would be a terrible gentleman if a let a beautiful lady like you freeze to death. "

"Beautiful, huh? " she teased.

He blushed. That blush.

They both arrived at the square, staring at the enormous Christmas tree situated in the very middle. The glow of the lights and mini bulbs bathing them both in a gentle bluish light.

"Its really beautiful, isnt it? Riley asked. Just as she turned her head towards him liam's eyes quickly found their ways towards the decoration. Was he really admiring me than the beautiful decoration in front of him? Was it possible that he was feeling the same fluttering in his heart that she felt whenever they interacted? No, it can't be. I am reading onto this too much. We are strangers. Strangers.

"Indeed it is. " Liam quitly whispered, hiding the blush in his cheeks. Crap, she caught him staring at her. I hope she doesnt think i am creep or something. To Liam even the most beautiful decorations paled in front of her, she was more beautiful than any sights he had laid his eyes on. Don't get too attached, Liam. Its temporary. You are going to leave tomorrow. There can nothing be between you and her. You have a duty back home. This is just a little escape from reality. They are strangers. Strangers.

Just then the local band striked up a a waltz. All around them peoples paired up, with Riley watching the couples with a hopeful gleam in her eyes... which didnt went unnoticed by Liam. And in that moment, he knew what he had to do.

Liam bowed a little in front of her, and held out his hand, his other arm draped around his back. "May I have this dance? "

She smiled as she put her hand into his, her pulse quickning, "It would be my pleasure. "

She awkwardly bowed, earning a chuckle from Liam as he sweeped her in his arms, her one hand on his shoulder, his on her waist, their free hand twined together. They elegantly twirled together on the makeswift dance floor, stepping in time to each rhythm. As they glided together, liam couldnt help but gaze down at her angelic face, illuminated by the surroundings. His gaze strayed to her lips just as Riley glanced at him, they met each other halfway as their lips come together in a magnetic kiss. Time seemed to stopped when his lips met hers, and the flutter in their chest intensified. Riley's finger gently curled in his coat as liam tangled his hands in her soft brown curls. She smelled like jasmine, a scent that liam is all too familiar with. Their hands tighten around each other, almost desperately, refusing to let go, their lips moving against each other in perfect harmony. Liam tightened his arm around her waist, pulling her into his chest, and Riley softly sighed as she breathed in the scent of him.

For that moment it was only the two of them in the entire world, all the surroundings fading into nothing. Their little bubble of heaven was broken as the pair heard the the sound of clapping and soft cheering. Flustered, Liam grasped her hand and led both of them out of the dance floor and into the streets, grinning all the way.

The two of them found themselves at the threshold of a quint restaurant, and they both collapsed onto the stairs, still holding each other while wearing goofy smiles.

"So... That was.... Something else.. " Riley chuckled.

"Indeed it was. " Liam snickered.

As he glanced down at the lady in his arms, Liam felt a sudden tinge of guilt in his chest. I still haven't told her who I am. I have to tell her.

After her laughter had subsided, Liam gently took her shoulders in his hands and looked square in her eyes. "Riley, can I have a word with you? "

"Yeah... What happened? "

"I haven't told you where I am from, or what I am doing alone in a unknown city without my family. The truth is I am the Crown Prince of a small country called Cordonia. "

Riley stared at him, then burst into laughter. "Haha, Liam, nice joke. If you are a crown prince then i'm Kate Middleton." She stopped laughing when she saw the look on his face. "Oh, you are serious?"

Liam nodded. "Of course. I have no reason to lie to you. I just wanted to let you know that....that...." He struggled to move forward. "That i'll be leaving for Cordonia Tommorow morning. My social season will commence once I get back. I have to choose a bride from all the noble ladies presented to me as suitors. "

Her face fell. "You... You are really going back... I just thought we.... " She trailed off.

"I knew Riley, and I am sorry that I didn't told you sooner. I understand if you are mad--"

"Of course im not mad Liam. You did what you thought was the best. You just wanted a nice time without wandering about your duties."

"I... I wished we had more time together Riley." He whispered.

"Then lets make the most of it. We just have this night tonight, Liam. And I want to make it count. For just this one night let's just be Riley and Liam, two peoples without any obligations.

Riley pointed to the mistletoe over their head, then leaned forward to capture his lips in a heated kiss. He immediately responded, his hand cupping the side of her neck tenderly as she ran her hair through his dark hair. They pulled apart, staring into each others eyes, then their lips came together again, more passionately this time.

"Merry Christmas, Riley."

"Merry Christmas, Liam."

The night was spend together in Liam's suite, tangled in the sheets and in each other's arms.

************

The next morning

Liam woke up in his room.... Alone. He glanced around, none of Riley's belongings were in sight. A single note was on the coffee table beside the bed.

Liam,

I want you to know that the short time I have spend with you more to me than I could describe. You gave me the one thing I wanted most for Christmas...Family. I'm grateful for that. I'm sorry that I had to convey this to you by a letter, but i thought it would be better for both of us. Perhaps we will meet again.

Riley

Liam reached and wiped the lone tear that has escaped on his cheek. "I'm grateful for our time together too, Riley.

**********

Cordonia

It was the evening of the masquerade ball in the palace. Liam was dressed in his usual black regalia with a matching ornate mask. No matter how hard he tried, his thoughts managed to make their way back to Riley. Be a good prince, Liam. She's gone.

Liam stood in the huge elegant ballroom, a queue of noble ladies in front of him. Each lady he encountered, whether it was the poodle loving lady Penelope, the diplomat's daughter Kiara, or his best friend Olivia, made him realize that none of them were her.

The next lady approached, who was adorned in a white angel costume, with a literal halo above her head, her blue eyes peeking out of the glittering mask. Why are those eyes familiar...

"Hello..." Liam greeted her politely. "I don't believe we have met... Have we?"

The women smiled, then reached behind the back of her head to loosen the mask strings, Liam caught a glimpse of a familiar face as she removed her mask.

"Riley..."

[viltrumitesuperboy]

Luck (Peter Parker x Male Villain Reader)

my line breaks wont FUCKING WORK TUMBLR IS TRASH

Luck is a superpower, you can disagree (respectfully) in my asks. I don’t know how to write “villain” villains, especially for the reader, so you’ll notice that I tend to give the villains a motivation for their actions. They’re typically redeemable.

Requested by: anon since requests are open and i like your writing, id thought id request something. perhaps you can do a spidey x villian reader where the reader and peter are dating but dont know about the others alter ego? 

Word count: 2265

"Peter, where's the black pepper?"

"Top shelf!"

You opened the cabinet looking up at the black pepper just barely out of your reach. Even on your toes, your fingers barely brushed the wooden shelf. Turning quickly to check if Peter was still in his room, you extended your arm just a bit and managed to pluck the little container off of the shelf.

"Are you almost done with lunch? You know we have to go to the city today," Peter said, walking into the kitchen.

He was just pulling his sweater down when you turned to look at him, a smile on both your faces.

"Yeah, just salt and pepper for taste. You know how spices work, right?" you joked.

He laughed and hugged your middle from behind, pulling away to grab the plates from under you and bringing them to the table. He started eating right away, his plate always just a little more filled than yours.

"Even now I'm always surprised because I already eat a lot. I don't know where all of that goes," you commented, gesturing to his body.

"My ass," he mumbled through a bite.

You laughed around your own food as he shrugged. Once you both finished, you did your normal elevator vs. staircase race. You had the staircase this time, and you were alone. So if he didn't see you somehow hop down entire flights of stairs without any injury, all was well. You tried to lean against the wall like you had been waiting for him forever, and laughed when he blew a raspberry in your direction.

"Come on, we gotta catch the train," he urged.

He pulled you along until you got outside, both of you walking side by side to the station. The train ride always felt shorter with him, and he got off a stop or two earlier than you did every time. Even with your own extracurricular activities, you wondered if you would ever get to know what he did. You brushed it from your mind. If he knew what you got up to, he'd be upset. He was a huge supporter of the Avengers and similar "hero" figures, and even worked with and for them. You had to engage in crime just to get by. As you entered the building, you looked at the Avengers Tower a few blocks down. You turned away.

---

The sooner you got into your suit, the sooner you could join your companions in robbing the next bank. You knew whoever made the plans would get the most money, so you always planned things before anyone else could think of them. Without it, you wouldn't even be able to pay for groceries. Everyone else had a job, but you were younger and still in school, which made it much more difficult for you and they all understood. Despite the luck you knew you had, life was the one thing that could bring it down.

Just as you all left with bags, you stopped instantly at the sight of Spider-Man leaning against the wall awkwardly, much like you had done earlier that day. You almost laughed, but you had to leave with the money so you kept a straight face.

"So, uh... you guys ever think about the law? It's pretty cool sometimes," he said with an obviously faked confidence.

You pushed the bags towards your team and ushered them to move, swiftly moving towards Spider-Man. He darted to the side as you kicked toward him.

"Missed m- Oof!"

As he tried jumping for the ceiling, you grabbed the back of his suit and yanked him down, thanks to your luck. It left him winded for a few seconds.

"Sorry, dude. Just let me off this once," you said unapologetically.

He groaned as you ran back towards your team, two of them grabbing you into the moving van. The doors shut and you watched Spider-Man through the darkened window, just barely catching a glimpse of your vehicle as it sped away.

"Well, that was fast. Maybe you're right about your luck being a power," one of them snickered.

You hit her with a grumble, turning down to check your phone. A text from Peter said he needed snuggles, and you smiled a bit as you pulled your mask off.

"Is it that kid you're dating again?" she asked, pulling her own off.

"Yeah, drop me off in the area. Leave the money in the usual place and I'll come grab it," you said, beginning to pack your things.

"You got it."

"Thanks."

As you left the van, you waved at them, giving some of them a fist bump as you passed and hopped out of the van.

"I'll figure out our next location."

They waved back and you turned as the van doors shut. You went into the dark alley nearby to change, then walked the few blocks to Peter's apartment. Aunt May greeted you with a hug and a smile, then gestured you Peter who was curled up in a blanket in front of the TV, looking like he stayed up all night despite it only being nine at night.

"What's up?" you asked, sitting next to him and putting your arms around him.

"I feel like garbage and my body hurts," he mumbled into your shoulder.

"Exercising? Did you... fall down the stairs? Stand up after too many hours of playing video games?"

He snorted and pulled away for a bit, wrapping you in the blanket as well. You both laid down, and you took extra care to wrap your arms around his shoulders when he seemed to wince at the movement of his back.

"What exercise did you do?"

"No, I just... I decided to go to the playground with Ned cause there were no more kids there and my internship was done, so I was fooling around and climbing things but I fell on my back."

"Be a bit more careful next time?"

"Okay."

Aunt May was always nice enough to leave you food knowing when you didn't eat. You smiled at her as Peter moved closer to you when you pulled away to eat, and you both laughed fondly at his clingy behaviour. You left a few hours after that to get your money and go home.

---

After another afternoon of your antics, you had decided to run around on the rooftops for a bit. On one of the higher ones, you climbed the ladder quietly to find someone pacing on the edge. You almost reached out to tell them to step away when you realised who it was: Spider-Man himself.

"How does he always get away? And he beats me so quickly? It's like he has really good luck. That's so weird. That's not even a superpower, I think. Oh no, what if it is?!"

He paused as there was a response from his phone, and he sighed as if stressed as he yanked off his mask. You quickly covered your mouth in shock. How careless could any identity-hiding person be to pull their mask off when anyone in a building could look up and see him? At least your face was kind of covered. It was just your hood on and that lame mask that just covered the area around your eyes, but it was enough. His face was covered by his phone, but the messy brown hair made you a little sick when it reminded you of your boyfriend. You were only here because of your luck and your criminal actions. He was probably at his internship being a good, upstanding citizen.

"No, that can't be right. I'll check with Mr. Stark. He'll know."

"Hey."

He screeched and yelled a quick bye into his phone, making the horrible mistake of just shoving it in his pocket as he turned to look at you. Without his mask on.

"Put your mask on," you said, knowing it sounded a bit strangled, but you passed it off as just climbing over the small concrete wall that bordered the top of the building. "You should be more careful, you know?"

"You-you're that guy! I keep running into you! Who are you?"

"Well, that's the question everyone wants to know, huh?"

You walked over to him and plopped down next to him as he sat, his hands playing with his phone that was now back out. Peter did that when he was nervous, playing with anything in his hands. Once it was a book and he somehow managed to throw it and leave a small crack in the ceiling when someone scared him from behind.

"Tell me your secrets. What's got you so stressed about me?"

"What are your powers?" he blurted out.

How Peter of him to just ask right away.

"I'm lucky. Just not lucky in the rest of my life. I don't have enough money to pay rent and sometimes it's not even enough to buy groceries. I have to depend on other people and I don't want to do that. So I'm doing the best with what I can."

"Well, M- uh, Tony Stark has all kinds of internships and charities and stuff. I mean, I work with him so I would know. He could help! And he's always willing to help a superpowered person!"

"Spidey, things aren't that easy. I'm a criminal for a living and things like that don't just slide with most of the population. You tell them why you did it and you'll get consequences. My luck is the only thing keeping my team and myself safe."

"You could try! He doesn't judge and he's still friends with Captain America, who's currently a war criminal. Someone who's a thief isn't a huge problem to him."

"I don't take charity," you stated clearly.

"I mean it! He could really help," he replied.

"Peter!"

He paused entirely. Without the sounds of the cars below and the people speaking, it would have been completely silent.

"How... how..."

You pulled off your mask and your hood, giving him a sympathetic smile.

"I don't... take charity. Especially not from my boyfriend. I'll let you feed me once in a while, but that's the most I'll take. I can't do that to you, and I can't do that to your mentor who has definitely figured out my powers and knows who I am."

He was silent as you put the mask in his hand and stood up.

"You can text me whenever you want."

You left him behind on the roof.

Peter texted you the next morning, telling you to meet him at Stark Tower. You instantly knew that he had talked to Tony Stark about it, and both of them would search the entire world for you if you didn't go. Of course, that left you with the only choice of doing what he said. Peter was waiting for you in the lobby right in front of the building's security.

"Hey! Um, just follow me," Peter said quietly, his voice dying out as he turned to walk.

After an awkwardly silent trip in one of the elevators, he brought you to a large laboratory where sparks flew from the corner of the room.

"Mr. Stark! I brought my boyfriend for you to meet," Peter shouted over the noise.

Tony Stark himself sat up from his work to look at the both of you, his goggles now on his head.

"Tell me about yourself," he said, starting to walk towards you.

"You already know enough about me, don't you?" you replied.

He gave you a calculating look as he turned to a desk and pulled up a hologram. It contained information about you and your powers, but mostly your financial assets.

"I don't normally keep tabs on petty thieves, but when I found out how much you were annoying Peter, I had to find out," he said. "Kind of weird to be fighting your boyfriend every other night, huh?"

Peter looked away, his eyes instantly going to your arm. You knew he was fighting a blush, but you were busy hiding your own embarrassment. Tony started to push Peter out of the room, and he grumbled but left regardless.

"I saw his recording from his suit. I know you don't take charity, but I would do anything for Peter. All he wants is to know that you're safe from anyone who could be a threat to him or the people he cares about. How can you be safe if you can't even pay your bills?" Tony lectured. "The least you can do is stay here for a bit until you have enough money to stay at your own place. He already worries about being Spider-Man. He doesn't need to worry about you having nowhere to stay."

You stood for a moment, looking between him and the hologram.

"Fine. But for Peter. And the second I get a well-paying job I'm out of here."

"Well, you could always work here. We have great benefits."

"And work for Tony Stark? No way."

He barked out a laugh and opened the door again, Peter rushing in to grab your hand.

"What did you say?!"

"I said yes. Quit worrying," you laughed, kissing him quickly.

Tony tapped on a few things on the screen before turning to look at you both.

"Your stuff is being moved here within the next one or two days, and I let your landlord know. He's actually kind of cool. Oh, and after we move your stuff here, can we test your powers?" Tony rambled.

"No."

"Great, we'll start tomorrow."

[mo-mo-and-porkchop]

41. Let me help you

44. You dont have to act like you are ok.

(Both tweaked a bit, but they're there 😊)

I'm not up to date so my memory of the timeline is foggy, but Hirst never cared about it anyway so it should be fine.

Tag @youbloodymadgenius (sorry this took so long. Hope you got a bunch of good stories for you birthday. 😊)

A soft knock rang out through her room. One she ignored. Her grief was still too fresh to enjoy any visitors; especially Oleg. "Go away," she called out to whoever was on the other side.

The reaction had been expected. He too knew the pain of losing a spouse - for a very different reasons of course, but he loved Freydis all the same and grief was grief. Ivar smiled quickly at the guard standing outside her door before knocking again. "Solveig? It is Ivar."

Ivar?

What was he doing outside her door?

Her curiosity overruled her desire to be left alone and she answered for him. "I do not wish to see anyone. Especially those responsible for Askold's death," she said flatly.

Ivar, to her, was just as guilty as Oleg. He sat and did nothing to cease Oleg's murderous antics. Nor to aid her as she was carted out of the dining hall to her new prison.

"I was not --"

"What do you want?" she cut in.

His jaw clenched slightly in annoyance. Remember she is still grieving. "I want to talk with you about Oleg...and Igor."

Solveig eyed him. That was not the answer she had expected. Although she wasn't sure what she had expected, but the fact that it was Ivar before her and not Oleg was already unexpected.

Her curiosity overruled her want for isolation and she stepped aside and let him in.

"Why are you here?" she asked leaning against the door after shutting it on the guard.

"I told you. I want to speak with you about Oleg and Igor," he replied a bit confused, though his irritation was agitated.

"That does not explain why you are in here. In Kiev."

He huffed and glanced at his feet momentarily, a small smirk tugging at his lips. "You do not waste time I see," he said bringing his eyes back to her, shifting slightly on his crutch.

"All things considered I may not have much time left."

After what Oleg had done to her husband she could only assume she was next on his list. For now however he needed someone to help look after Igor - a job she'd already been doing for years.

Alright. Fine.

"I am fleeing from the retribution of my brothers. Nothing more."

"Nothing more?"

He shook his head in reply.

She let the silence settle between them, watching for any indication he'd been untruthful. "And what does that have to do with Oleg or Igor?"

He didn't have to think hard for his answer. "Nothing," he lied easily.

"Then why are you here? Why do you need to speak with about them?"

He sighed, frustrated. Beating around the bush was getting him nowhere. He made his way to the edge of her bed and sat down. "You wish for revenge against Oleg, yes?"

"Should I not?"

He clenched his jaw in further annoyance. She just did not budge. Ivar had to shut his eyes momentarily to gather his anger before responding. "I want to help you do that," he risked admitting, opening his eyes and finding her once more. "If you will let me."

Her blood ran cold with his words. Her breath stilled. Everything around her blurred until only Ivar was left. Ivar the boneless. A ruthless, merciless, blood-thristy, northern king. And now, possibly, her gift from the Gods.

"Why?" she managed to choke out quietly.

He broke eye contact as the memory of his mother cam rushing forth. His hatred for Lagertha gripped at his chest. "Because I know what it is like to have someone you love taken from you," he replied, clearing his throat and returning to her gaze.

She considered his offer a moment before crossing the room and sitting on the bed along with him. Whatever reservations she had over his true intentions, in that moment, she knew he wasn't lying. She could see the pain in eyes no matter how hard he tried to hide it. He truly understood her need to avenge her husband.

Solveig rested her hand on his comfortingly; the two momentarily sharing the weight of the pain.

"What do you want to know?" she asked finally breaking the silence as her hand slid from atop his.

-------

Solveig, now allowed to walk freely among Kiev and its residents, was enjoying her time with Igor. She missed the days of lazy strolls though the market. She daydreamed of his imaginative play as a young boy through the streets of Novgorod. The image of her husband training him for battle flashed through her mind. Sadness gripped at her chest over his passing, but she held tight to the belief he was now feasting with other warriors in Valhalla - a fact held secret.

Oleg would not be pleased with her continual practice and he only just let her free. She needed to remain so for Igor's sake. The boy needed guidance that truly held his best interests. Solveig trusted Ivar no more than she trusted Oleg. She knew their alliance could only last so long before Ivar the Boneless returned to his sadistic glory. Same as Oleg. Those two men were some of the most feared for a reason.

And she'd be dammed if Igor turned out the same way.

"What do you want to have today?" she asked forcing a smile as they perused the goods of an exotic good stall. "I hear rumors of Kings wearing the finest colors and silks," she said playfully holding up a much-too-large tunic to him.

The young boy laughed softly before picking up some fruit and handing her one. She recorded the garb and thanked the vendors before continuting their stroll - unaware Oleg's spies were watching carefully among the crowd.

"Do you really think I will be King one day?"

After her conversation with Ivar she had been sure of it. He would overthrow Oleg and give Igor what was rightfully his. Then, just maybe, she could leave with his blessing and return home.

"The throne is yours. Oleg is merely keeping it warm for you," she replied with a small smile, pulling him in to a side hug.

As Igor looked through another stall her eyes wandered through the faces of Kiev's residents - landing on Ivar. He was speaking with a woman unknown to Solveig. She wore finely embroidered clothing, much fancier than those of the common people, and she seemed thoroughly uninterested in their conversation. Ivar, on the other hand, looked utterly destroyed when she left; his eyes never leaving her as she left him standing in the road.

-------

They were deep into a feast - most the crowd drunk, loud, and happy. Though Ivar remained unaffected by the crowd's joyfulness. He watched as Oleg celebrated his marriage with glee. His stomach turned whenever he showed her any sort of affection. His jaw clenched in both disgust and anger. He forced a smile to his face and rose his glass when Oleg caught his gaze.

"Why are you so fascinated with Princess Katya?" Solveig casually asked Ivar as she took a seat next to him, sipping her own drink. Sbe cooly followed an imaginary line to where his eyes looked and found Oleg staring back. She smirked and drank. "Do you wish to bed her?" she asked without glancing Ivar's way.

"What?" he asked, caught off guard, breaking away from Oleg and and finding her. "No," he huffed trying to hide his embarrassment over her question.

"Then why do your eyes always find her when she is near?" she asked once more, their gazes now met. "What is it that you see?" she asked, staring intently at his eyes.

His brow furrowed and he broke away. He felt as if she was searching his soul and he was uncomfortable. "She reminds me of someone."

"Who?"

His jaw clenched, this time from a sadness he never expected to feel over Freydis' death. She had betrayed him. She had deserved her death. Yet he still felt remorse for his actions. "My wife," he admitted quietly, forcing back the growing tightness in his chest.

Solveig's heart dropped with his words. Their was undeniable pain in his voice. She now understood his motive to help her in expedite Oleg's fate. "Where is she?"

He sighed and finally shifted to lean against the table, his back now to Oleg and his bride. "She is dead."

"Is she who you seek to avenge?"

"No," he replied with a small shake of his head.

His memories of Freydis played through his mind. Their first meeting. Their first kiss. His momentary joy over becoming a father. All of it wasted with her betrayal. His jaw clenched and he stared into his drink.

"I must avenge my mother's death," he admitted turning to her, sadness in his eyes.

After all the horrible stories of Ivar the Boneless, here he sat vulnerable and human; the hurt in his expression poorly hidden. Solveig suddenly felt pity for him. "You do not have to hide your sorrow," she offered compassionately. "Mourn her," she added placing a reassuring hand on his arm. "Free all of your grief and then the Gods will let you have your revenge. She let her words hang in the balance between them before leaving to congratulate the happy couple and heading to her room.

[blairwitchh]

Quaranmemes for quarantine

tagged by @mifunebooty, thank u thank u!!!!

When was the last time you left your home:

days mean nothing to me anymore but i believe it was like...last tuesday? for picking up food lmao

What was the last thing you bought?

dont @ me pls i just impulse bought a guitar that will finally work w/ my small hands

Is quarantine driving you crazy or are you finally relaxed?

honestly im pretty relaxed. being cooped up w/ my mom kinda sucks but like such is life lmaoo

Who are you spending quarantine with?

my mom, and my dog and cat. and my own inner monologue

Do you have any pets to keep you company?

yeah! my dog Byron and my cat Joanie. u can look up their tags (just their names lol) on my blog for pics

What are your current responsibilities?

honestly i was unemployed before covid hit so now i almost have less responsibilities bc like..im not gonna go out and get a job rn i’m trying to social distance as much as poosible.

Do you have a room to yourself?

yes thank god

Are you exercising?

i hate this question bc i was doin rly good at going to the gym before this. i mean i def can exercise at home it’s just way harder to stay motivated.

Town, country or city?

according to google its a city but im in the burbs so. a suburban city.

How’s your toilet paper supply?

all good lol, unfortuantely/fortuantely my mom works at a grocery store 4 days a week so we haven’t been short on groceries

What’s the worst thing you had to cancel?

i didnt really have anything big planned. all i know is if it affects riot fest in september (which it probably will 😥����) then i’ll be upset.

What’s the best thing you had to cancel?

my job searching lmao

Who do you miss the most?

all the people i was able to see prior to this, my friends, my sister, my dad etc.

Do you have any hobbies?

does watching movies and playing video games count lmaoo

i’m gonna go ham on learning guitar when mine comes in the mail tho

What are you watching the most?

like a week or so ago this youtuber tom harlock did a video abt another youtuber amberlynn reid, and i’ve gone down that rabbit hole now lol. it’s fascinating honestly to watch like...”normal people” on youtube and not influencers who live in LA

Are you still going to work?

nah bro im unemployed

What are you out of?

patience...no lmaoo, well kinda with everything going on regarding the us govt

Have you made any changes to your hair?

nah i dont have any of the supplies

im terrible at tagging ppl so literally and i mean LITERALLY if u see post this on ur dash and wanna do it, just say i tagged u, bc i am tagging all of u.

[one-shoop]

My mother actually admitted to a professional that she would "push us to face our fears" and "square up" or whatever when we were anxious. I don't know why this information doesn't make me happier. I have proof that she's the one who's been at the core of all my most complex mindsets -- like the "don't ask for help unless you really need it" and "am I hurt enough to be allowed to be sad" and "is this bad enough so I don't need to swallow it and search for solutions, or is this pain bad enough I can keep it". She literally admitted to doing all of that.

She's the reason I didn't ask for help in exams. She basically admitted to all the stuff she did as a mother -- her miraculously-unused scheme to push me off a bike so I wouldn't be scared of it anymore ("but pushing you nicely, so you don't actually get hurt, just to show you it's not scary" says mom like this excuses anything), all the times she talked about messing around with her students' rigidities and complex things (she called it "breaking them" like seriously) -- she'll "confront" autistic people or perfectionnists. She admitted to making sure the kid who hated losing loses at all games until he "learns to suck it up" and "accept things" or whatever, she admitted to messing up an autistic/rigid kid's meticulously arranged pieces of paper to "show them it didn't matter if they were messed up, it's the paper itself that counts", and doing that everytime they meet up, even going so far as pretending the kids actually like when she does that. How is this woman even a freaking orthopédagogue, I have no idea.

But she keeps "pushing them out of their comfort zones" and it's just not okay. And the way she talks to them, the way she behaves around them -- it pisses me off just thinking about it. And yesterday she confessed to her motives.

And -- this is a woman who said that the Roman Empire was justified, the murder of millions and all the crap was justified, that people were being stupid when they refused to have roman soldiers on their land -- this is a woman who said that "the tribes didn't want to be in peace, they wanted to keep fighting" and "Rome was keeping the peace". Someone who literally has no freaking reason to believe this crap -- seriously???? The Roman empire was garbage???? This is someone who said "well, if you see slavery as the limit, no civilisation ever was good" when I told her the goddamn empire worked on slaves' back, and refused to acknowledge how Caesar was a piece of garbage, how people watched prisoners of war get freaking KILLED in arenas like it was a fun thing to watch.

Like seriously???? She told me "homeless people should just work harder" and "it doesn't mean society is broken if they can't get jobs/housing" and "it's their fault -- and I know, I watched a documentary once" and "most homeless people are idiots, they don't want to get healed, they want to do drugs and they're childish, they don't want to get jobs, they don't want to work" and "we can't force people to do things they don't want to do, they don't want to get healed so leave them be" and "they basically want to stay homeless" and "they can't handle having a job" and "there are shelters in place, so if they don't go there, they're basically saying they want to stay homeless" like sure mom, this is a good mindset. Absolutely -- i so agree with the humanity of "they don't want to work, so let them starve" like this is forgetting that many homeless peeps are mentally ill? Or addicted? And they CAN'T GET TREATMENT much less any sort of respect from people???? And shelters are the worst??? If I base it on my experience at an Elder's retirement home, let me tell you social workers can be assholes and retirement homes can be a hostile environment to its patients. And also???? Some homeless peeps just leave because OH SNAP maybe they got THROWN OUT OF THEIR HOUSE and and since they're going they have fucking nowhere to go? Like -- ever hear of someone losing their spouse and having nobody ro turn to, so they spend a night outside, and then another, and when their boss hears they fire them so now they're jobless and penniless and BAM. And ever heard of the concept that maybe BEING ALCOHOLIC ISN'T CONTROLLABLE WITHOUT EXTERNAL HELP and do I really have to explain how buying alcohol/weed and being left to starve and freeze and get mugged all the time -- like seriously, there is NO REASON you should LET SOMEONE DIE.

Like ffs?????????? She said bombing an entire town full of civilians was a good move???? Since "they didn't want to surrender, they were too proud" and "they were too stubborn to give up so they had to be shown we wouldn't back down" like wow, minimalizing much??? We're talking about two whole goddamn towns being blown away -- imagine freaking Montreal just blown away like that. Those bombs were MASSIVE. Imagine the freaking KIDS. Seriously -- she can't bear to watch documentaries on the atomic bombs, it should be enough to make her realize that hey, maybe if something is too horrible to watch, you shouldn't DO IT TO PEOPLE? Nor excuse it????

Said that our country "didn't do too much slavery" and "WE were nice people, not like the English" and "we lived in peace" like seriously???? Remember all those times native people got sold as slaves??? Remember how métis came to be, with white people going in forests, stopping for a night at a tribe, and raping a woman there????? And then that woman would get expelled and her baby would be shunned for not belonging either with the white bastards or with the mother's birth tribe?? Remember how Montréal was built to be a freaking conversion thing for the native peoples thar lived near??? Remember how we had missionaries?

Remember that time she kept saying that in the Bible, the Jewish people were the bad guys -- the Romans were good? Defending the dude from the washing hands thing, saying he had no other choice to keep the people happy than to kill J-boy, and saying it was "the Jewish religious leaders's" fault for all of it? For "forcing people to hate him"? Saying the Jewish people were jerks like they didn't want to pay taxes to this guy who invaded their land, right??? Well apparently they're jerks for that???

Saying Sikh community people can never get into politics because "politicians are supposed to represent the majority of their people, and they're never part of the majority anywhere" and rolling her eyes when I say "what, so what you're saying is that if you're part of that community, you can't EVER get into politics? What if it was your dream??? Should you give up your religion to be allowed to compete?"

And apparently all of that is because of some "book" she read once about how to deal with anxiety in kids. How, apparently, this "book" was enough to spark all of this nonsense.

Like wtf mom

Wtf

Like for someone who keeps talking about "facing your fears" she sure is ignoring a whole lot of information back here. Like ever heard of someone dismissing the truth because it's too hard? Like if this was really your philosophy I'd think you'd be the first one to fall out bs propaganda and fight for a better place and a more compassionate view of others, and like -- her philosophy is supposed to be about confronting your fears to work on them like how tf can you do that without even admitting there's a problem???? She's making shif up for a shitton of historical shit that have literally no fucking data on all the goodness she pretends exists -- like seriously man just google literally any of those things and you'll have proof it happened -- even NOW we have literal places where every native person lives like some weird ghetto bht wirh government funding. Native lands aren't even legally recognized by our bs country, they don't have a fucking representative or their own, they don't even have their own province ffs they live in shitty places where poverty happens because SURPRISE when you strip someone of their land, their dignity, their culture, and their religion, and all their space to just freaking exist -- MAYBE it fucks them up. And just MAYBE being stripped of your integrity as a person and a clan is MAYBE stripped away and MAYBE you have nothing to really do with your identity. So MAYBE you should consider that when you pretend the shit our people did wasn't completely horrific. MAYBE you'd understand how desperatly something needs to be done.

And ALL OF THIS just doesn't cut it for a goddamn book about education or whatever it was. I dont know what this is but this just feels like fucking victim blaming. This can't be about "facing your fears", this is about dictating them, this is about making things up, about controlling the reality. This is about making the reality to be more pleasant for you to live in, this is about you controlling people to see things as you do. This is about you thinking people will never like you if you outright say you agree with the goddamn empire so you pretend there's some silver lining on it.

[frunatic-fanfic]

the end of a dream ?

Hell yes, A NEW CHAPTER FINALLY

To everyone who is still reading , thank you so much ! I know it has been a while but I’ll update more frequently now. There’s no John in this chapter but he’ll be back soon, I promise <3 Enjoy and leave some feedback to keep me motivated :)

„ No it’s fine really. I dont need to talk right now or anything. I just want to take a shower and sleep and forgett about everything for a while“ While you speak these words your best friend Rony looks at you with a worried expression on her face , knowing that the Jolene shes been a friend to for over 12 years is again just trying to run away and surpress her sadness and anger just to hurt herself once again even more.

After a last minute flight from west to east coast and feeling trapped inside a plane packed with just all of the very few things you owned, you made it to New York City and got picked up at the airport by your best friend Rony who moved to new York to start a carreer as a designer here.

„ Jolene… what the hell hapened? Just talk to me for a minute. I mean… YOu called me this morning sounding like you were actually panicing and 8 hours later youre standing in my aparement, looking like Ozzy Ozbourne from the mascara dried all over your cheeks. I mean I get that you want to sleep but so do I – the thing is knowing my best friend must have gone through some insan shit to step into a plane to travel to New York so fast must be serious. Just give me a hint at least.“

You sob again and wipe away some fresh tears coming from your eyes. All you see in your head is John standing in front of you in that supermarket , mumbling, stuttering, but really – not saying anything that could help you cope with that feeling of being left, of being „not enough“  of being… just something that could  be replaced by something better anytime.

„well…it’s just… John and I broke up…“ „Wait…you mean THAT John? John Frusciante eh? The time you were at the hospital we didnt really have a lot of contact and that time was a mess here too, moving from california to NYC is hell, … Im sorry I wasnt there enough for you! But i did get your letters and well, Kevin used to listen tot he Red Hot Chili  Peppers a lot so of course that name wasnt a strange one to me. Oh man, Jolene had tu bump into a lost rockstar for sure…“ „ yeah… I wish I hadn’t…“ „Did he do anything bad to you?“ „No,…I mean Rony I… I was seriously so in love with him, the time we spent together in rehab felt like a dream. The both of us got better and the more time we spent, the more it felt like we didnt really need there bad, self destructive habbits anymore. It was unsure how our relationship would go on after our treatment there but at that point, it felt like it was sure we’d stay togehter….and…“ You start crying again as you think of John hugging you and kissing you when you first met again with Flea down at Venice Beach. „ well, through all the time I thought we could be together and I had finally found someone to be with, to look after me, someone I could be the center of his life for but….“ „Wait Jolene. Stop for a second. He is John Frusicante. And well, we all must have heard the news by now, he’s back in the band and they’ll have a big comeback later this year. I know how much you’re longing for that one person centering his life around you but I dont think that would be a healthy relationship for either the two of you and… it definitely wont be a rockstar on the rise…“ You see your tears fall onto the wooden floor of Ronys flat while hearing her words. Of course. Sure she was right. That childish naive wish of being the reason for someone being alive was just irrational and impossible to be true. Yet you had been holding on to it for so long. Maybe because for you, many times in your life you didnt feel like you wanted to be alive – you just kept on existing for other people.

 „Hey…Ill make us some ginseng tea and we’ll sit down on the couch and talk for a bit. I understand that you’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You feel left behind and like you were not worthy enough to someone you loved to let you stay the one thing with the highest priority in his life. At least you think and feel like that. But come on. You’ve learned a lot in therapy. Your habbit of seeing everything in either black and white, the fact that youre always clinging onto a person you love and never want to let them go, make your whole life depend on them like they’re god… We both know where these feelings and behaviours come from, right?

„Are you talking about that… Borderline Personality Disorder I got diagnozed with?“ „We both know. Look, I cant fully understand what ist like to be you, with that mindset of yours. I dont know what its like to feel all these waves of anxiety about being left alone and not good enough to be loved. But these things combined with that strong sense of envy you get everytime someone does not pay all their attention to you will make you unable to have a happy relationship forever. I dont know the full story, but seen from a rational point I think ist great that John joined the band again. You told me in your letters how passionate he looked when he was playing guitar. You wrote in one of your letters that it seemed like he was drifting into another dimension while playing for you. And now that man has made it to recover fully. He’s back in his band and can do what he loves the most. Isnt that something you would wish for him if you really loved him?“

 All the while Rony was speaking to you, you couldnt say anyhting. She was so right. Your head always kept messing with you. Growing up with abusive and alcoholic parents that never showed you even a little hint of love you kept searching for that love in every relationship you ever had- clinging onto your partner, manipulating him and controling him to make sure he couldn’t leave – and of course, these things would always make you end up alone.

 „Did John have the chance to say anything about this? I mean If you spent some time togehter before you all of a sudden descided to come here, he sure must have had an own point of view about the whole thing?“  „yeah… he…He tried to speak but I wouldnt let him.. I just ran..away..“

Rony facepalmed herself. „ Thats so classic you. I love you, you’re my best friend . But not giving him a chance to speak,not fair.“

It hurt to talk to Rony about all of this because it made you realize that you overreacted in an irreversible way. Looking back now, your reaction was far away from any logical, ratioanal thing to do and just a typical , impulsive and panic „solution“ to a problem that you had made out in your head.

 „We cant do much about all of this now Jolene. Im glad you descided to come here instead of doing some bad shit to yourself again. Kevin and I broke up so there’s one room free here. If you can help me with the rent you can stay as long as you want.“ „wow, i Have like no money at all at the moment“ „yeah.. you’re in new york. We’ll get you a job somehwere. We’ll get through this.“

 As you lay down in the bed Rony had prepared for you , your best friend sits down on your bed for moment again looking at you „Heads up girl. We got this.“ „ Do you….do you think John and I will ever meet again? It feels wrong seeing it end like that but…“ „He’s a rockstar. I guess you’ll just have to turn on your TV“ „Thats not what I meant…“ „I know you idiot.“ Rony laughs, but imideatly realizes that jokes are no good idea right now.

 „ I hope you can maybe meet again. But for now, let time pass. You’re in New York now and he is in California. Maybe you should give up these california dreams for now. We’ll find you a job and maybe a good therapist. And thats really all that matters now. You, being okay.“

 Before You fall asleep you keep on seeng John in your head. The shock in his eyes. Like he knew how much he’d hurt you. Looking back now,it didnt seem like he looked like he got ‚caught‘ but more like he was worried about you and how seeing his face on that magazine would make you feel. And the moment he tried to say something…you just cut him off. You didnt give hime a chance to speak…. What if.. what could have been….

 No. Give up your california dreaming for now, Jolene.

[divergent-one-1984]

Some Email Chats Between Abdoulaziz Barry aka Aziz Barry aka Barry. Former Colleague at NYC Department of Education Who I considered a Friend Until I Had to Cut Him Off Because Of His Gaslighting. I Met Him in February 2015 While Working at NYC Department of Education. I Quit NYC Department of Education in April 2016. I Ended Our Friendship in May 2016 after a series of Bizarre Chat Messages That led me to believe he had been turned against me because of the Workplace Mobbing that Had Occurred since 2015 at NYC Department of Education, forcing me to quit. I shared some of my bullying experiences with him and some of the people involved. Also documentation of some communications had about people from my personal life, some intertwining with NYC Department of Education May, 22, 2016 through May 27, 2016. Days leading up to me Ending Friendship with Barry. Never communicated with Barry after Politely and Respectfully Ending Friendship. Shortly after this I began experiencing Community Harassment in my Neighborhood, by mostly Muslim and Latino people, with Muslims ranking number 1

This person is no longer of interest to me but everyday he is being referenced in my harassment campaign. The reason I am being so transparent about all of these people and my interactions is because there have obviously been lies told about me as part of this harassment campaign. If people are so interested in my personal life they should get the truth, not the lies I am sure that have been told to defame my character and as a preemptive strike to ruin me, tell the story (a mixture of lies, half truths, truths) they want to tell about me first so that no one knows or cares about the actual truth so that they can inflict the damage they wanted to inflict because I believe whomever did this to me is mentally unstable. It takes time to build up a reputation, but reputation can be torn down in a NY minute and hard to rebuild especially when lies, rumors, and gossip are apparently still circulating. I don't deserve what has been done to me and I did not do anything to anyone for them to do this to me.

Chatting about regular stuff, him taking kids to Chuck e Cheese and soccer, me needing to return book I borrowed from him, my job search, him hooking me up with a romantic prospect since he talks about me getting into relationship.

Weirdness when trying to meet him to exchange books, kept moving locations and wanted me to meet him closer to NYC Department of Education building than I wanted to go because just about 2 months ago I left a place where I was abused for months. I was still processing and probably suffering from PTSD. Kept changing locations inside of just meeting where I told him initially.

Tried to get to meet me in purpose about stuff because I was suspicious my personal cell phone had been hacked / tapped.

At this point, I had reported the Workplace Mobbing / Emotional Abuse to NYS Department of Labor. I think the investigation had just concluded or was close to being concluded. I filed complaint end of April/ Beginning of May 2016, investigation was completed by end of May for sure, maybe a week + prior to end of May. I believe this is motivation for Barry attempting to isolate himself from me by the bizarre language he was typing in the chat, gaslighting, and an attempt to get something on record of me coming at him in a negative way to match up with the lies. Some of the people I have named here who were employed at NYC Department of Education while harassing me were also included in my complaint to the NYS Department of Labor, include Tolani Adeboye, Natasha Liggins-Modelo, Chrissy Maloney, etc., Barry was NOT, because as far as a I thought he was a friend and did not experience any noticeable / blatant weirdness with him till after I filed the complaint, in retrospect, he could have been engaging in harassment prior to but I just did not see it. The kind of harassment is carried out that way, at first its very subtle, you think soemthing is weird, but think it may be nothing, a coincidence or you misreading something, then it becomes more overt, patterned, organized and coordinated when more abusers seem to be engaging in rude, disrespecful, invasive behavior around you, especially people who you dont even really know or never interected with more than cordially because you see them in passing in the office, maybe in the bathroom, or lunch room or elevator bank, so you wont see it all you front, part of the reasoning for that I think is to simply have the target confused and disoriented, you know something weird is going on but you cant quite place it. Makes you feel like you may be a topic of conversation that you are not privy too and dont understand because you are not that socially engaged with many people so nobody should really be having much of anything to say about you unless a gossip/ rumor mill has been started by the person who instigates Workplace Mobbing against an employee based on fabrications, lies, and leaking of private, personal, and confidential info.

He used language, describing me as rude, unprofesssional, blackmailer, arrogant, etc. We have been communicating for the last year +, never used any of these words to describe me, actually the quite opposite. I doubt if I really was what this man was stating he would not have sat up in my fave for the last year + engaging in nearly daily communication, in person at work and outside of work on multiple occassions, via chat / email, etc if he really believed these words he was hurling at me.

I did not take the bait, told him in a respectful manner that I think the friendship should end because the stuff he was saying was weird and bizarre. I felt in that moment I just left this workplace where I was being harassed, that you knew because I shared with you and you saw some of the activity yourself and now you seem to be engaging in similar abuse towards me. It seemed he had been turned like the people had been in the workplace. Best thing was for me to make clean break from all of the people and the place because of an intuition, I still did not fully know what was about to happen to me. I still thought the harassment was limited to NYC Department of Education, if ai leave the job then it goes away. Boy, was I was wrong.

Barry backtracked, tried to get me to meet him or call to talk but I just ghosted him. I had said my peace and meant what I said and did not feel the need to continue to communicate.

[patriotsnet]

How Can Republicans Live With Themselves

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/how-can-republicans-live-with-themselves/

How Can Republicans Live With Themselves

Trump Is Still A Force In The Party

After the 2012 elections, prominent Republicans sharply criticized Mitt Romney and his campaign. Democrats did the same to Hillary Clinton after 2016 and sometimes included former President Barack Obama in their criticisms, too. For a political party to change direction, it nearly always has to distance itself from past leaders. 

Or put another way: For there to be an autopsy, there has to be a dead body.

Trump Slams ‘wayward’ Republicans For Capitol Riot Vote

US Capitol riots

Former US president Donald Trump blasted “wayward Republicans” after lawmakers made a rare bipartisan push to investigate the Capitol riot.

With the support of 35 Republicans, the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives voted 252-175 to look into the events of 6 January.

Party leaders had urged Republicans to oppose the bill, with Mr Trump labelling it a “Democrat trap”.

The bill appears to lack the Republican support it needs to pass in the Senate.

It seeks to create an independent inquiry modelled on the commission that investigated the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington.

The legislation establishes a 10-member body, evenly split between the two main parties, that would make recommendations by the end of the year on how to prevent any repeat of the Capitol invasion.

Trump supporters stormed Congress on 6 January in a failed bid to thwart certification of President Joe Biden’s victory in November’s election.

Wednesday’s vote was seen as a loyalty test to the former president for members of his party.

All 10 of the House Republicans who voted to impeach Trump in the days after the Capitol riot for incitement of insurrection were among the 35 who voted for the commission.

In a statement after the vote, Mr Trump hit out at the “wayward” Republican group, saying, “they just can’t help themselves”.

“Sometimes there are consequences to being ineffective and weak,” Mr Trump added.

How Bipartisan Is Democrats Infrastructure Plan

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But Trumps continued popularity among key GOP constituencies prevents Republican insiders from undertaking a formal, public discussion about his political shortcomings and how the party should move on from him. Everyone in the GOP knows that irritating Trump could result in the former president attacking them, which would make them vulnerable to a primary challenge, with conservative activists likely backing their opponent. So there will be no autopsy of the post-Trump Republican Party, akin to the Republican National Committees report in 2013 following Romneys defeat, at least not in public. 

There Arent Real Forces Within The Gop Leading Change

There is some appetite for change within the GOP. In those 2024 polls, at least a third of Republicans either were supporting a GOP presidential candidate other than Trump or were undecided. 

In YouGov Blues polling, only about 40 percent of Republicans identified themselves as Trump Republicans. A recent survey from Fabrizio, Lee and Associates, a GOP-leaning firm that worked on Trumps presidential campaigns, found that about 40 percent of Republican voters didnt want Trump to continue to be a leader in the party. Those numbers dont necessarily mean that those voters want the GOP to change drastically. But there is a substantial number of Trump-skeptical/ready-to-move-on-from-Trump Republican voters. But that sentiment isnt really showing up in the Republican Partys actions during the last three months basically everything GOP officials in states and in Washington are doing lines up with the Trumpian approach. So what gives? 

related:Why The Recent Violence Against Asian Americans May Solidify Their Support Of Democrats Read more. »

It is hard to see Republicans changing course, even if a meaningful minority of voters in the party wants changes, without some elite institutions and powerful people in the party pushing a new vision. And its hard to see real anti-Trumpism forces emerging in the GOP right now. 

Democrats Return The Favor: Republicans Uninformed Or Self

The 429 Democratic voters in our sample returned the favor and raised many of the same themes. Democrats inferred that Republicans must be VERY ill-informed, or that Fox news told me to vote for Republicans.  Or that Republicans are uneducated and misguided people guided by what the media is feeding them.

Many also attributed votes to individual self-interest whereas GOP voters feel Democrats want free stuff, many Democrats believe Republicans think that I got mine and dont want the libs to take it away, or that some day I will be rich and then I can get the benefits that rich people get now.

Many used the question to express their anger and outrage at the other side.  Rather than really try to take the position of their opponents, they said things like, I like a dictatorial system of Government, Im a racist, I hate non-whites. 

Opinion:how Can Republicans Defend Trump Because Of The Clintons

Of all the desperate defenses that Republicans were forced to try as the impeachment hearings wore on, the strangest was that President Trump was just doing his job fighting corruption in Ukraine. Even his supporters have to concede that Trumps interest in corruption began and ended with one Ukrainian company.

After all, if Trump cared about family members using their connections to the presidency for personal enrichment, hed have been investigating son-in-law Jared Kushners family for wooing Chinese investors by playing up its familial ties to the Oval Office, or investigating his own administration for attempting to divert a major global summit to one of his properties. No one can reasonably believe the president cares about corruption, unless fighting it might help him win elections.

The latest updates in the Trump impeachment hearings

Unfortunately, Democratic outrage against political corruption, pretextual investigations and the use of vested powers to help your party win elections sounds a little hollow. For three years, impeachment, for many Democrats, has been an effect searching for a cause. Ukraine may have fit the bill perfectly, but anything else would have done just as well.

Read more:

Conservative Intellectuals Were Blind To The Truth About The Gop Hence Trump

The available evidence compiled by historians and political scientists suggests that 1964 really was a pivotal political moment, in exactly the way Roy describes.

Yet Republican intellectuals have long denied this, fabricating a revisionist history in which Republicans were and always have been the party of civil rights. In 2012, ran a lengthy cover story arguing that the standard history recounted by Roy was popular but indefensible.

This revisionism, according to Roy, points to a much bigger conservative delusion: They cannot admit that their partys voters are motivated far more by white identity politics than by conservative ideals.

Conservative intellectuals, and conservative politicians, have been in kind of a bubble, Roy says. Weve had this view that the voters were with us on conservatism philosophical, economic conservatism. In reality, the gravitational center of the Republican Party is white nationalism.

Conservative intellectuals, for the most part, are horrified by racism. When they talk about believing in individual rights and equality, they really mean it. Because the Republican Party is the vehicle through which their ideas can be implemented, they need to believe that the party isnt racist.

Its the power of wishful thinking. None of us want to accept that opposition to civil rights is the legacy that weve inherited, Roy says.

Beneath The Hood Of Trump’s Support Base

Trump’s victory in 2016 came on the back of a surge in voter turnout among white Americans without a college degree, a group he won by better than a 2-1 margin over Democrat Hillary Clinton. Trump won 6.5 million more voters over the age of 45, despite losing the national popular vote by almost three million.

But that “demographic blowback” which saw some older Americans cast a vote for the first time since Ronald Reagan was on the ballot, was never a long-term strategy they are literally dying off.

But they aren’t dead yet, and neither is Trump’s support base.

AP: Julio Cortez

A found 89 per cent of voters without a college degree and 74 per cent of Republicans want Trump to stay active in politics in some way. Almost half of Republicans want Trump to remain head of their party, while 11 per cent want him to break away and start his own party. It’s that final figure that probably worries Republicans more than any other.

Trump has already flirted with the idea of starting his own “Patriot Party” to rival both Republicans and Democrats, and provide a vehicle for a potential third presidential campaign in 2024.

The only time a former president tried to return to office under the banner of a new party, Theodore Roosevelt in 1912, he consigned his former Republican Party to a distant third place.

‘this Is Not A Political Campaign This Is Deadly Serious’: Cheney Speaks After Jan 6 Committee

Those Republicans were not in the room. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif., and his fellow GOP leaders decided not to appoint members to the select committee investigating the riot. They will neither defend nor condemn the Capitol riot in the historical annals of the Congressional Record.

They have chosen official silence refusing to defend the indefensible while signaling tacit and docile support for former President Donald Trump and the rioters who stormed the Capitol in his name.

Former Rep. David Jolly, who left the GOP in 2018, said the Republican leadership is trying to divert public attention away from the hearings.

“The committee is set up to get to the truth about Jan. 6,” Jolly said. “Republican opposition to its work is clearly an effort to obstruct that truth from reaching voters.”

Still, by threatening to punish fellow Republicans Liz Cheney of Wyoming and Kinzinger, McCarthy has made clear to Americans that in his House Republican Conference, it is better to back a riot than to buck Trump.

Choosing not to send Republican allies to sit on the committee McCarthy opted to abstain after Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., rejected two of his picks because they have spread lies about the riot may be an act of political cowardice. But it is certainly a political miscalculation.

We may have our deep differences on other policy issues,” Kinzinger said. “But we are all Americans today.

The Social Media Effect

Social media platforms provide us a personalized way to receive news and commentary from anyone and everyone with whom we are connected. In theory, this could mean that users see a cross section of their community’s political views, representing the full range of perspectives within their network. Unfortunately, our study’s findings paint a less encouraging picture. First, only 26% of American report sharing social media posts about politics. Second, these Americans have higher Perception Gaps than the national average. While those who do not post on social media have an average Perception Gap of 18, those who do post on social media have an average Perception Gap of 29. The political content we see on social media is therefore disproportionately from people with a more distorted understanding of the other side, further adding to the problem.

The Partys Core Activists Dont Want To Shift Gears

This is the simplest and most obvious explanation: The GOP isnt changing directions because the people driving the car dont want to. 

When we think of Republicans, we tend to think of either rank-and-file GOP voters or the partys highest-profile elected officials, particularly its leaders in Congress. But in many ways, the partys direction is driven by a group between those two: conservative organizations like Club for Growth and the Heritage Foundation, GOP officials at the local and state level and right-wing media outlets. That segment of the party has been especially resistant to the GOP abandoning its current mix of tax cuts for the wealthy and corporations, opposition to expansions of programs that benefit the poor and an identity politics that centers white Americans and conservative Christians.

You could see the power and preferences of this group in the response to the Capitol insurrection.

In the days immediately following Jan. 6, many GOP elected officials, most notably McConnell, signaled that the party should make a permanent break from Trump. an increased number of rank-and-file GOP voters were dissatisfied with the outgoing president. But by the time the Senate held its trial over Trumps actions a month later, it was clear that the party was basically back in line with Trump. 

related:Why Being Anti-Media Is Now Part Of The GOP Identity Read more. »

Sen Mazie Hirono Wonders How Some Republicans Live With Themselves

Even after being elected to the Senate in 2012, the Hawaii Democrat Mazie Hirono was, by her own choosing, a politician little known outside her home state. Then, around 2016 and the election of a particularly divisive president, Hirono, who was born in Japan and is the Senates only immigrant, decided that staying under the radar was unsustainable. She frequently made herself available to the national media. She publicly said President Trump was a misogynist and a liar and called for his resignation . She unabashedly punctuated her comments with salty language. And it wasnt just her unexpected transition that raised her profile: Senator Hironos forceful questioning during the Kavanaugh and Barrett Supreme Court confirmation hearings, as well as, more recently, calling on President Biden to nominate more diverse people for senior positions in his administration, have also been central to her earning national stature. Its not the easiest thing for political people to speak candidly with the national media, says Senator Hirono, who is 73 and whose memoir, Heart of Fire, will be published on April 20. Im not doing it for effect. I dont go out there and spew things. Ive thought things through.

Garland said that to you about the Garza case? No, I said that to Garland. He just kind of looked at me like, Yeah. I knew that he was astounded.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Republicans Are Trying To Rebrand Themselves As Working Class Heroes

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About a week after he was busted for taking a trip to Cancun amid a historic power crisis in his home state, Ted Cruz made a bold declaration: The Republican Party is not the party of the country clubs, he . Its the party of hardworking, blue-collar men and women. The GOP, he claimed at the yearly jamboree of right-wing nutjobs last week, was not a party for the mostly rich, mostly white men who represent it in Washington. On the contrary, he the Conservative Political Action Conference, where the cost of admission ranged from the mid-hundreds of dollars to , Republicans are the party of steel workers and construction workers and taxi drivers and cops and firefighters and waitresses.

These deplorables, the Texas Senator told big ticket CPAC attendees in February, are here to stay.

This characterization, of course, is ridiculous on its face; how can you claim your party is not the party of country clubs when its deified leader, Donald Trump, literally in a private club he owns. But its an aggressive branding exercise that Republicans have engaged in throughout the Trump years, and that they appear to be ramping up since he was defeated by Joe Biden in November, when the insurrectionist Senator Josh Hawley wrote that we are a working class party now.

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Making The Audience Laugh And Cry

It has become a cliché to declare that Republicans and Democrats live in two different worlds these days, but it turns out there is some truth to the observation.

New research on political behavior finds that most Democratic and Republican voters live in partisan bubbles, with little daily exposure to those who belong to the other party. For instance the typical Democrat has almost zero interactions with Republicans in their neighborhood, according to an by Harvard doctoral student Jacob R. Brown and government Professor Ryan D. Enos published March 8 in the journal Nature Human Behaviour.

Theres a lot of evidence that any separation between groups has a lot of negative consequences. We see this in race; we see this in religion; we see this in all kinds of things, said Enos. And increasingly, we see this in partisanship in the United States.

Using geolocation data and the exact addresses of all 180 million registered voters in the U.S. as of June 2018, the two were able to precisely map, for the first time, where Democrats and Republicans live in relation to each other in every town, city, and state in the U.S. Then, rather than rely on the usual precinct or data aggregations, they used weighted measures and recorded the distance between voters to show how people are divided by geography and partisanship across the country.

The measurement of partisan sorting for 180 million voters,

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It certainly might.

And I wouldnt necessarily buy anybody who was selling that. But there are without question people in the administration who fit that criteriapeople who I know for a fact are just deeply disturbred by the president and his behavior, and some of his demagoguery, but feel as though walking away as a sign of protest would be counterproductive. Because the president needs people around him who are stable influences to help steer the ship. And if they were to walk away, maybe the ship sinks.

Theres a bit of a scarlet letter that almost everyone in the Republican party is going to wear.

The president is not oblivious to the fact that this administration is staffed with an awful lot of people who said some really nasty things about him during the campaign. Its not lost on Trump that he has a lot of staff members who were not fans of him once and probably not fans of him today. Look, if Trump was only to staff his White House with people who had never said a negative thing about him, he would be really hard-pressed to find anybody. His takeover of the Republican party was a hostile takeover.

Your book describes the Republican party in collapse. As far as establishment Republicans in DC are concerned, then, is the Trump takeover permanent?

They did this to themselves. And its way too easy ten years from now to lay it all on Trump. Theyre the ones who invited Trump in the first place.

Former Republican Voter After Capitol Riot: ‘i Want No Association With This Party Anymore’

Like so many Republicans, Im sick and tired of talking about saving a party that shows few signs of wanting redemption, which makes it increasingly hard to hold on to the tattered remnants of a once-proud party. Indeed, since the insurrection more than 30,000 Republican voters have dropped their affiliation with the GOP, with many echoing the words of former Secretary of State Colin Powell, I can no longer call myself a fellow Republican.

Despite my own pessimisms about the Grand Old Party, I believe its salvation can still be found in our guiding principles, which do not include putting kids in cages, spewing lies and conspiracies and fermenting deadly insurrections. For those Republicans who remain behind, its time to refocus on what it means to be a Republican. While former President Donald Trump spent four years trying to reshape as much of the Republican Party into his image as possible and, failing that, setting the rest on fire, I agree with Rep. Adam Kinzinger, R-Ill., who said, There is a real split for the future of the party, and that epic battle has commenced. Bring it on!

My fellow Republicans must stop playing stupid.

The Religious Right Traded Morals For Supreme Court Seats Was Trump Worth It

Succumbing to the worst tendencies of ones party isnt new or unprecedented; weve been here before. Moral crises have repeatedly tested the will of our great nation. This country has battled through the dark days of slavery, segregation, McCarthyism and Watergate, and still we stand. Not because of magic pixie dust but thanks to brave patriots, willing to take unpopular yet principled stands because our social contract demands it.

And America has always managed to find its way back from the brink because of our ability to come together, in search of a shared purpose, when we as a country need it the most. We are edging toward a brink now, not of violence necessarily but certainly of near-intractable partisanship. Just look at the differing ways the impeachment inquiry is being covered. I may be foolish, but I still believe in our shared purpose. I still believe that, in spite of those who have turned their back on our motto, e pluribus unum, principled conservatives will find their way back home.

From Pig Hunting To Tea Party Meetings Former Npr Ceo Ken Stern Immersed Himself In Conservative Culture

Ken Stern did not expect to enjoy pig hunting in Texas.

As the former head of NPR, he did not expect to find common ground with the people of evangelical churches or eastern Kentucky coal mines. And he did not expect to renounce his Democratic membership.  

But after a year immersed in Republican culture, Stern learned life on the other side of the political divide is far from how it’s depicted a problem he pins on a polarized media landscape, and the very institutions he formerly called home.

‘Virtually everyone in the mainstream media is on one side of the political landscape and not the other.’ – Ken Stern

Widest Perception Gap At Political Extremes

In one of the largest national studies of Americas polarization ever conducted, More in Commons Hidden Tribes report identified seven political tribes:

The Hidden Tribes of America

The Perception Gap study builds on these insights. It finds that the most partisan, politically active Americans a group we call the Wings have deeply distorted perceptions of the other side. The two groups with the widest Perception Gaps are the Progressive Activists and the Devoted Conservativesthe most ideological and committed groups of Democrats and Republicans.

And which is the most accurate segment? Surprisingly, its the Politically Disengaged. They are fully three times more accurate in their estimates of political opponents than members of either of these Wing groups. The V-shaped Perception Gap shows that the less invested you are in politics today, the less distorted your perception of politics.

The Party Of The Country Club Tries To Embrace A New Egalitarian Economic Agenda

ILLUSTRATION BY AESTHETIC APPARATUS/MICHAEL BYZEWSKI

We are a working-class party now, Missouri Republican Senator Josh Hawley tweeted at 10:53 p.m. Eastern time on election night in November. Thats the future. A few minutes later, Fox called Arizona for Joe Biden, beginning a string of for Donald Trump and pointing toward a future quite different than the one Hawley had probably imagined when he posted. Hawley arrived in the Senate two years into the Trump era, and since then has pitched an agenda built around the concerns of the common man and woman. Sympathizing with cultural grievances, as Hawley does in fighting internet pornography, is something at which Republicans have been skilled for decades. Addressing the economic disadvantages of the less-well-off has been a blind spot. While Hawley himself has resisted mandatory increases in the minimum wage, his political world has been heating up recently, and it is changing his politics. When he announced in December that he planned to challenge the electoral-vote tally in the Senate, a rogue Walmart social media staffer attacked him as a sore loser via the companys Twitter account. The company promptly apologized, but not before Hawley suggested to Walmart, maybe youd like to apologize for the pathetic wages you pay your workers as you drive mom and pop stores out of business.

Christopher Caldwell is a contributing editor at The Claremont Review of Books.

[statetalks]

How Can Republicans Live With Themselves

Trump Is Still A Force In The Party

After the 2012 elections, prominent Republicans sharply criticized Mitt Romney and his campaign. Democrats did the same to Hillary Clinton after 2016 and sometimes included former President Barack Obama in their criticisms, too. For a political party to change direction, it nearly always has to distance itself from past leaders. 

Or put another way: For there to be an autopsy, there has to be a dead body.

Trump Slams ‘wayward’ Republicans For Capitol Riot Vote

US Capitol riots

Former US president Donald Trump blasted “wayward Republicans” after lawmakers made a rare bipartisan push to investigate the Capitol riot.

With the support of 35 Republicans, the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives voted 252-175 to look into the events of 6 January.

Party leaders had urged Republicans to oppose the bill, with Mr Trump labelling it a “Democrat trap”.

The bill appears to lack the Republican support it needs to pass in the Senate.

It seeks to create an independent inquiry modelled on the commission that investigated the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington.

The legislation establishes a 10-member body, evenly split between the two main parties, that would make recommendations by the end of the year on how to prevent any repeat of the Capitol invasion.

Trump supporters stormed Congress on 6 January in a failed bid to thwart certification of President Joe Biden’s victory in November’s election.

Wednesday’s vote was seen as a loyalty test to the former president for members of his party.

All 10 of the House Republicans who voted to impeach Trump in the days after the Capitol riot for incitement of insurrection were among the 35 who voted for the commission.

In a statement after the vote, Mr Trump hit out at the “wayward” Republican group, saying, “they just can’t help themselves”.

“Sometimes there are consequences to being ineffective and weak,” Mr Trump added.

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But Trumps continued popularity among key GOP constituencies prevents Republican insiders from undertaking a formal, public discussion about his political shortcomings and how the party should move on from him. Everyone in the GOP knows that irritating Trump could result in the former president attacking them, which would make them vulnerable to a primary challenge, with conservative activists likely backing their opponent. So there will be no autopsy of the post-Trump Republican Party, akin to the Republican National Committees report in 2013 following Romneys defeat, at least not in public. 

There Arent Real Forces Within The Gop Leading Change

There is some appetite for change within the GOP. In those 2024 polls, at least a third of Republicans either were supporting a GOP presidential candidate other than Trump or were undecided. 

In YouGov Blues polling, only about 40 percent of Republicans identified themselves as Trump Republicans. A recent survey from Fabrizio, Lee and Associates, a GOP-leaning firm that worked on Trumps presidential campaigns, found that about 40 percent of Republican voters didnt want Trump to continue to be a leader in the party. Those numbers dont necessarily mean that those voters want the GOP to change drastically. But there is a substantial number of Trump-skeptical/ready-to-move-on-from-Trump Republican voters. But that sentiment isnt really showing up in the Republican Partys actions during the last three months basically everything GOP officials in states and in Washington are doing lines up with the Trumpian approach. So what gives? 

related:Why The Recent Violence Against Asian Americans May Solidify Their Support Of Democrats Read more. »

It is hard to see Republicans changing course, even if a meaningful minority of voters in the party wants changes, without some elite institutions and powerful people in the party pushing a new vision. And its hard to see real anti-Trumpism forces emerging in the GOP right now. 

Democrats Return The Favor: Republicans Uninformed Or Self

The 429 Democratic voters in our sample returned the favor and raised many of the same themes. Democrats inferred that Republicans must be VERY ill-informed, or that Fox news told me to vote for Republicans.  Or that Republicans are uneducated and misguided people guided by what the media is feeding them.

Many also attributed votes to individual self-interest whereas GOP voters feel Democrats want free stuff, many Democrats believe Republicans think that I got mine and dont want the libs to take it away, or that some day I will be rich and then I can get the benefits that rich people get now.

Many used the question to express their anger and outrage at the other side.  Rather than really try to take the position of their opponents, they said things like, I like a dictatorial system of Government, Im a racist, I hate non-whites. 

Opinion:how Can Republicans Defend Trump Because Of The Clintons

Of all the desperate defenses that Republicans were forced to try as the impeachment hearings wore on, the strangest was that President Trump was just doing his job fighting corruption in Ukraine. Even his supporters have to concede that Trumps interest in corruption began and ended with one Ukrainian company.

After all, if Trump cared about family members using their connections to the presidency for personal enrichment, hed have been investigating son-in-law Jared Kushners family for wooing Chinese investors by playing up its familial ties to the Oval Office, or investigating his own administration for attempting to divert a major global summit to one of his properties. No one can reasonably believe the president cares about corruption, unless fighting it might help him win elections.

The latest updates in the Trump impeachment hearings

Unfortunately, Democratic outrage against political corruption, pretextual investigations and the use of vested powers to help your party win elections sounds a little hollow. For three years, impeachment, for many Democrats, has been an effect searching for a cause. Ukraine may have fit the bill perfectly, but anything else would have done just as well.

Read more:

Conservative Intellectuals Were Blind To The Truth About The Gop Hence Trump

The available evidence compiled by historians and political scientists suggests that 1964 really was a pivotal political moment, in exactly the way Roy describes.

Yet Republican intellectuals have long denied this, fabricating a revisionist history in which Republicans were and always have been the party of civil rights. In 2012, ran a lengthy cover story arguing that the standard history recounted by Roy was popular but indefensible.

This revisionism, according to Roy, points to a much bigger conservative delusion: They cannot admit that their partys voters are motivated far more by white identity politics than by conservative ideals.

Conservative intellectuals, and conservative politicians, have been in kind of a bubble, Roy says. Weve had this view that the voters were with us on conservatism philosophical, economic conservatism. In reality, the gravitational center of the Republican Party is white nationalism.

Conservative intellectuals, for the most part, are horrified by racism. When they talk about believing in individual rights and equality, they really mean it. Because the Republican Party is the vehicle through which their ideas can be implemented, they need to believe that the party isnt racist.

Its the power of wishful thinking. None of us want to accept that opposition to civil rights is the legacy that weve inherited, Roy says.

Beneath The Hood Of Trump’s Support Base

Trump’s victory in 2016 came on the back of a surge in voter turnout among white Americans without a college degree, a group he won by better than a 2-1 margin over Democrat Hillary Clinton. Trump won 6.5 million more voters over the age of 45, despite losing the national popular vote by almost three million.

But that “demographic blowback” which saw some older Americans cast a vote for the first time since Ronald Reagan was on the ballot, was never a long-term strategy they are literally dying off.

But they aren’t dead yet, and neither is Trump’s support base.

AP: Julio Cortez

A found 89 per cent of voters without a college degree and 74 per cent of Republicans want Trump to stay active in politics in some way. Almost half of Republicans want Trump to remain head of their party, while 11 per cent want him to break away and start his own party. It’s that final figure that probably worries Republicans more than any other.

Trump has already flirted with the idea of starting his own “Patriot Party” to rival both Republicans and Democrats, and provide a vehicle for a potential third presidential campaign in 2024.

The only time a former president tried to return to office under the banner of a new party, Theodore Roosevelt in 1912, he consigned his former Republican Party to a distant third place.

‘this Is Not A Political Campaign This Is Deadly Serious’: Cheney Speaks After Jan 6 Committee

Those Republicans were not in the room. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif., and his fellow GOP leaders decided not to appoint members to the select committee investigating the riot. They will neither defend nor condemn the Capitol riot in the historical annals of the Congressional Record.

They have chosen official silence refusing to defend the indefensible while signaling tacit and docile support for former President Donald Trump and the rioters who stormed the Capitol in his name.

Former Rep. David Jolly, who left the GOP in 2018, said the Republican leadership is trying to divert public attention away from the hearings.

“The committee is set up to get to the truth about Jan. 6,” Jolly said. “Republican opposition to its work is clearly an effort to obstruct that truth from reaching voters.”

Still, by threatening to punish fellow Republicans Liz Cheney of Wyoming and Kinzinger, McCarthy has made clear to Americans that in his House Republican Conference, it is better to back a riot than to buck Trump.

Choosing not to send Republican allies to sit on the committee McCarthy opted to abstain after Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., rejected two of his picks because they have spread lies about the riot may be an act of political cowardice. But it is certainly a political miscalculation.

We may have our deep differences on other policy issues,” Kinzinger said. “But we are all Americans today.

The Social Media Effect

Social media platforms provide us a personalized way to receive news and commentary from anyone and everyone with whom we are connected. In theory, this could mean that users see a cross section of their community’s political views, representing the full range of perspectives within their network. Unfortunately, our study’s findings paint a less encouraging picture. First, only 26% of American report sharing social media posts about politics. Second, these Americans have higher Perception Gaps than the national average. While those who do not post on social media have an average Perception Gap of 18, those who do post on social media have an average Perception Gap of 29. The political content we see on social media is therefore disproportionately from people with a more distorted understanding of the other side, further adding to the problem.

The Partys Core Activists Dont Want To Shift Gears

This is the simplest and most obvious explanation: The GOP isnt changing directions because the people driving the car dont want to. 

When we think of Republicans, we tend to think of either rank-and-file GOP voters or the partys highest-profile elected officials, particularly its leaders in Congress. But in many ways, the partys direction is driven by a group between those two: conservative organizations like Club for Growth and the Heritage Foundation, GOP officials at the local and state level and right-wing media outlets. That segment of the party has been especially resistant to the GOP abandoning its current mix of tax cuts for the wealthy and corporations, opposition to expansions of programs that benefit the poor and an identity politics that centers white Americans and conservative Christians.

You could see the power and preferences of this group in the response to the Capitol insurrection.

In the days immediately following Jan. 6, many GOP elected officials, most notably McConnell, signaled that the party should make a permanent break from Trump. an increased number of rank-and-file GOP voters were dissatisfied with the outgoing president. But by the time the Senate held its trial over Trumps actions a month later, it was clear that the party was basically back in line with Trump. 

related:Why Being Anti-Media Is Now Part Of The GOP Identity Read more. »

Sen Mazie Hirono Wonders How Some Republicans Live With Themselves

Even after being elected to the Senate in 2012, the Hawaii Democrat Mazie Hirono was, by her own choosing, a politician little known outside her home state. Then, around 2016 and the election of a particularly divisive president, Hirono, who was born in Japan and is the Senates only immigrant, decided that staying under the radar was unsustainable. She frequently made herself available to the national media. She publicly said President Trump was a misogynist and a liar and called for his resignation . She unabashedly punctuated her comments with salty language. And it wasnt just her unexpected transition that raised her profile: Senator Hironos forceful questioning during the Kavanaugh and Barrett Supreme Court confirmation hearings, as well as, more recently, calling on President Biden to nominate more diverse people for senior positions in his administration, have also been central to her earning national stature. Its not the easiest thing for political people to speak candidly with the national media, says Senator Hirono, who is 73 and whose memoir, Heart of Fire, will be published on April 20. Im not doing it for effect. I dont go out there and spew things. Ive thought things through.

Garland said that to you about the Garza case? No, I said that to Garland. He just kind of looked at me like, Yeah. I knew that he was astounded.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Republicans Are Trying To Rebrand Themselves As Working Class Heroes

To revist this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories.

Save Story

To revist this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories.

About a week after he was busted for taking a trip to Cancun amid a historic power crisis in his home state, Ted Cruz made a bold declaration: The Republican Party is not the party of the country clubs, he . Its the party of hardworking, blue-collar men and women. The GOP, he claimed at the yearly jamboree of right-wing nutjobs last week, was not a party for the mostly rich, mostly white men who represent it in Washington. On the contrary, he the Conservative Political Action Conference, where the cost of admission ranged from the mid-hundreds of dollars to , Republicans are the party of steel workers and construction workers and taxi drivers and cops and firefighters and waitresses.

These deplorables, the Texas Senator told big ticket CPAC attendees in February, are here to stay.

This characterization, of course, is ridiculous on its face; how can you claim your party is not the party of country clubs when its deified leader, Donald Trump, literally in a private club he owns. But its an aggressive branding exercise that Republicans have engaged in throughout the Trump years, and that they appear to be ramping up since he was defeated by Joe Biden in November, when the insurrectionist Senator Josh Hawley wrote that we are a working class party now.

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Making The Audience Laugh And Cry

It has become a cliché to declare that Republicans and Democrats live in two different worlds these days, but it turns out there is some truth to the observation.

New research on political behavior finds that most Democratic and Republican voters live in partisan bubbles, with little daily exposure to those who belong to the other party. For instance the typical Democrat has almost zero interactions with Republicans in their neighborhood, according to an by Harvard doctoral student Jacob R. Brown and government Professor Ryan D. Enos published March 8 in the journal Nature Human Behaviour.

Theres a lot of evidence that any separation between groups has a lot of negative consequences. We see this in race; we see this in religion; we see this in all kinds of things, said Enos. And increasingly, we see this in partisanship in the United States.

Using geolocation data and the exact addresses of all 180 million registered voters in the U.S. as of June 2018, the two were able to precisely map, for the first time, where Democrats and Republicans live in relation to each other in every town, city, and state in the U.S. Then, rather than rely on the usual precinct or data aggregations, they used weighted measures and recorded the distance between voters to show how people are divided by geography and partisanship across the country.

The measurement of partisan sorting for 180 million voters,

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It certainly might.

And I wouldnt necessarily buy anybody who was selling that. But there are without question people in the administration who fit that criteriapeople who I know for a fact are just deeply disturbred by the president and his behavior, and some of his demagoguery, but feel as though walking away as a sign of protest would be counterproductive. Because the president needs people around him who are stable influences to help steer the ship. And if they were to walk away, maybe the ship sinks.

Theres a bit of a scarlet letter that almost everyone in the Republican party is going to wear.

The president is not oblivious to the fact that this administration is staffed with an awful lot of people who said some really nasty things about him during the campaign. Its not lost on Trump that he has a lot of staff members who were not fans of him once and probably not fans of him today. Look, if Trump was only to staff his White House with people who had never said a negative thing about him, he would be really hard-pressed to find anybody. His takeover of the Republican party was a hostile takeover.

Your book describes the Republican party in collapse. As far as establishment Republicans in DC are concerned, then, is the Trump takeover permanent?

They did this to themselves. And its way too easy ten years from now to lay it all on Trump. Theyre the ones who invited Trump in the first place.

Former Republican Voter After Capitol Riot: ‘i Want No Association With This Party Anymore’

Like so many Republicans, Im sick and tired of talking about saving a party that shows few signs of wanting redemption, which makes it increasingly hard to hold on to the tattered remnants of a once-proud party. Indeed, since the insurrection more than 30,000 Republican voters have dropped their affiliation with the GOP, with many echoing the words of former Secretary of State Colin Powell, I can no longer call myself a fellow Republican.

Despite my own pessimisms about the Grand Old Party, I believe its salvation can still be found in our guiding principles, which do not include putting kids in cages, spewing lies and conspiracies and fermenting deadly insurrections. For those Republicans who remain behind, its time to refocus on what it means to be a Republican. While former President Donald Trump spent four years trying to reshape as much of the Republican Party into his image as possible and, failing that, setting the rest on fire, I agree with Rep. Adam Kinzinger, R-Ill., who said, There is a real split for the future of the party, and that epic battle has commenced. Bring it on!

My fellow Republicans must stop playing stupid.

The Religious Right Traded Morals For Supreme Court Seats Was Trump Worth It

Succumbing to the worst tendencies of ones party isnt new or unprecedented; weve been here before. Moral crises have repeatedly tested the will of our great nation. This country has battled through the dark days of slavery, segregation, McCarthyism and Watergate, and still we stand. Not because of magic pixie dust but thanks to brave patriots, willing to take unpopular yet principled stands because our social contract demands it.

And America has always managed to find its way back from the brink because of our ability to come together, in search of a shared purpose, when we as a country need it the most. We are edging toward a brink now, not of violence necessarily but certainly of near-intractable partisanship. Just look at the differing ways the impeachment inquiry is being covered. I may be foolish, but I still believe in our shared purpose. I still believe that, in spite of those who have turned their back on our motto, e pluribus unum, principled conservatives will find their way back home.

From Pig Hunting To Tea Party Meetings Former Npr Ceo Ken Stern Immersed Himself In Conservative Culture

Ken Stern did not expect to enjoy pig hunting in Texas.

As the former head of NPR, he did not expect to find common ground with the people of evangelical churches or eastern Kentucky coal mines. And he did not expect to renounce his Democratic membership.  

But after a year immersed in Republican culture, Stern learned life on the other side of the political divide is far from how it’s depicted a problem he pins on a polarized media landscape, and the very institutions he formerly called home.

‘Virtually everyone in the mainstream media is on one side of the political landscape and not the other.’ – Ken Stern

Widest Perception Gap At Political Extremes

In one of the largest national studies of Americas polarization ever conducted, More in Commons Hidden Tribes report identified seven political tribes:

The Hidden Tribes of America

The Perception Gap study builds on these insights. It finds that the most partisan, politically active Americans a group we call the Wings have deeply distorted perceptions of the other side. The two groups with the widest Perception Gaps are the Progressive Activists and the Devoted Conservativesthe most ideological and committed groups of Democrats and Republicans.

And which is the most accurate segment? Surprisingly, its the Politically Disengaged. They are fully three times more accurate in their estimates of political opponents than members of either of these Wing groups. The V-shaped Perception Gap shows that the less invested you are in politics today, the less distorted your perception of politics.

The Party Of The Country Club Tries To Embrace A New Egalitarian Economic Agenda

ILLUSTRATION BY AESTHETIC APPARATUS/MICHAEL BYZEWSKI

We are a working-class party now, Missouri Republican Senator Josh Hawley tweeted at 10:53 p.m. Eastern time on election night in November. Thats the future. A few minutes later, Fox called Arizona for Joe Biden, beginning a string of for Donald Trump and pointing toward a future quite different than the one Hawley had probably imagined when he posted. Hawley arrived in the Senate two years into the Trump era, and since then has pitched an agenda built around the concerns of the common man and woman. Sympathizing with cultural grievances, as Hawley does in fighting internet pornography, is something at which Republicans have been skilled for decades. Addressing the economic disadvantages of the less-well-off has been a blind spot. While Hawley himself has resisted mandatory increases in the minimum wage, his political world has been heating up recently, and it is changing his politics. When he announced in December that he planned to challenge the electoral-vote tally in the Senate, a rogue Walmart social media staffer attacked him as a sore loser via the companys Twitter account. The company promptly apologized, but not before Hawley suggested to Walmart, maybe youd like to apologize for the pathetic wages you pay your workers as you drive mom and pop stores out of business.

Christopher Caldwell is a contributing editor at The Claremont Review of Books.

source https://www.patriotsnet.com/how-can-republicans-live-with-themselves/

[adityafulia]

Tale of SOCIOPATH

Chapter 2

She will make sure you feel guilty

She will take advantage of you

She will eat you alive

After i heard she was engaged, i remembered asking her this question “what are you looking for? LOVE or just the presence of whoever is close to you? It’s doesn’t make any sense if you say that you love me, then you can just accept this guy’s proposal and be with this guy. It’s like you said you are not hungry but in fact you finished all the food in front of you”

Back to the story of this sociopath, the end of jan, i’ve deciced to stop contacting her

But she still tried to contact me, we had a chat , healthy chat i supposed, as a friend, i felt proud at least i didnt become the monster who ruined people’s relationship, i’ve done that for a month, from dec 2019 till jan 2020 and i felt guilty

She constanly pushing for her lies, asking for affections from me, talking about our relationship , just to make sure that i would not out of her sight. I was quite strong everytime she played her tricks (or, i thought so)

I knew,this is one of the symptons, passive aggresive, she will try to push the fact that i was the bad guy, all the time

She did that on feb 2020, i was quite strong, to just stick to my principle, we were over, i will not try to ruin her relationship, she could carry on

On mid march 2020, she contacted me again, just to say hi, i was still rock solid, i was clear that she was just a friend for me,

My focus was my job, and my personal development, i will try not to ruin peoples relationship and be better person, i considered her as a friend, nothing more even though she still played the trick to lure me, told me about her breakup..she asked me, to let her know once i got back, so that i can meet her

.

The flaw that i saw, i started to softened a bit,i said “i’ll let you know”, maybe i said that because i thought that she already broke up, and that lift up my hopes up, maybe

Then this pandemic come, i had a conversation about pandemic, how we reminded each other about the safety

She shared about the plan of building her house

She played another trick, striking my weak point,asking about my family

My sisters business, my nephew, my niece, also sometimes she shared the video of her dog

I found out that one of her friend, also talked about me, to her, this friend was also bullcrap, sophisticated conman or congirl i would say

Then i was asking about insurance product, one of my protection plan

March was quite normal,

On april, i heard that one of my friend saw one photo which actually taken before i broke up on aug 2019, she was with other guys, i just checked with her, just to make sure, that she never cheated on me when we were in relationship, with me realizing, actually i still trust her, and just wanted to hear the things that i want to heard, from her.

As usual, she played the tricks, she pushed the fact that she wanted me so bad, i dodged as usual,

we didnt have much time to talk daily, which was good, it was a very casual conversation, about pandemic, about the victim, vaccine, and all those educational hot topics, which was my favourite things to discuss.

She still played her tricks on me, share her food, she constancky updating herself to me, food,aLso give me advice, to live healthier life, basically, to show that she still care, i replied casually, as good as i can, as friend, without intention to hurt her feeling

I still have that hopes

Hopes too see better version of her, she constantly pushing the fact that she is already broken up, push another lies,that his ex forced her to marry her asap. She said she was srill thinking of me.this is what she wanted

I laughed and still give my wisdom, i reveal myself once again, to explained why i went abroad

She pushed , she told that we could have a better relationship if i stayed, she made me feel guilty again, so too speak, then we discussed about another lies, the house

Then another fight after i talked about my ex, i have been fixing this tangled ties, she blewn up, went crazy then we stop talking each other again, that cycle again.. as usual, that was april mid, i was started to feel normal, this cycle, on off

Then 18 may, she contacted me again, asking how am doing, she said she still on break with her ex

She shared about her ex parents, controlling, and still trying to lure me also,to become closer with her

That was her trick to lure me, discuss about the things that i like, business on daily basis,

Withiot realizing, in one week, i was in, i was intensely talked with her, maybe i was stressed out, lonely, i need someone to tak to, seemed that time, she was the only one

She still pushed the fact that she was not in another relathionship eith other guys, she wanted to see my face without beard,

She cared about me, want to know about me, teasing me, praising me, i was lured into this traps , really, big time,then the diry talks started

She began to lure me,said she miss me, said how she wanted to meet me, i was broken because of the work, my mental health was not in a good shape, got beaten up daily , then i was lonely, then i confessed that i cant stop thinking about her, i said ive been there too a few times

She lured me deeper, said she wanted me, hearrt and souls and body, then i melted, at the end of may

I was too lonely, crushed, i was emoty , nobody did that , nobodys there to help me, hen i realized, everytime something important, she was the first to know, that was stupid me

Then without realizing, we started the call, started to said i miss you too each other

Then i was blinded, i was thinking she was on break, i could break in, i started to have vid call, then in goes intense, i spoke as if she was not sociopath, she talked and responded normally, she wanted me back, that the point that blinded me. Only need 2 weeks for me to actually fell into this sociopath trap

Then dirty talks started, vidcall,, she asked me to come to her house, so we can spent the night toghether, doing “things”

I was stupid enough, naive enouh, even though i knew she is still with his fisncee, but she use my family as weapon, she did something nice to my family gave them food, and also meet my mom, i dont know the motive, but for sure this is one of her tricks, to save her face in front of my family

She praised me , i was to weak, it was bad enough for me to be kured to another traps by this sociopath

June 2020

She asked about substance,, she asked whether i had substance before, another lies coming

This month, was the worsrt, i was completely lost, i was officially lured, and disguised, this sociopath had succeed

She was on another meeting with her friend whibh i had i recollect, that was not only with friend, but also with another guys, rich guys, i suppose, hahaha that was good one,, sociopath

With a very stupid naive, i didnt saw that coming, she still tried to make me guilty related to my parents, she knew that was my weak point, she knnew i liked it when she asked about my family,once again i got tricked

8 june, i desperaly chasing her, officially, got lured, again

She tricked me , told me about another guy, which already slept with her, she told me as if this is the first time she knew that the guy is interested on her and she didnot interested

Mid june, she gave another reason while sleeping with another guy, blamed me for not married her,

Cycle goes again, we fought, she disappeared, off, and on again, i was quite firm , this sociopath should take action , im not waiting, meanwhile , little did i know, on “off “ time,she was playing, i gave her time to play , she managed to escaped during that off time, playing her tricks again, with some other guy

Yet, this sociopath still managed to blamed me, avoid to answer my quesrions, blamed me again and again, passove aggresive, typical sociopath

She pushed the fact “why these guys really wanted me, and you were not”. I cired, like a stupid baby,, and i recorded my voice , crying voice, she won, she heard me, she even asked to why she couldnot heard the voice, i knew what was the plan, that voice will be used to trick me again, as weapon, she could record the voice and remember this as my defeat

That goes on, till 25 of june, she said finaly she broken up, she said she was stupid, act like she was broken, she didnt want to be with another guy

I gave her time of till 30june, i thought this was normal, she was broken, i need to give her time,and eventually, she contacted me again

July was weird, first week, whatsapp chat started to decreased. Daily, i guess this is because if the effect of her concentration for work, which was good and i understood fully

But you should know, that was not because of work, not at all. She still pushed the facts that she still wanted me, she still longed for me, searched for me, on the other side, I confused, i thought she already single

I was broken we lost contact till mid of july, i contacted her, just to let her know my moms birthday, as she told me too do it often. 11 july

Lost contact till 22nd,, during the off time, i was confused, mad, also broken inside, then i got the news of repatriation flight, planning to surpise her, i bought the ticket, and asked her one day before my flight, with hope that i can meet her, because as far as i know, she was single, couple of guys tried to connect eith euth her, but deep down i knew she love me, she still wanted me, hence i asked, i still got a fair chance. I though of that

The response was bad, this was the beginning of an end,,,low response, unclear answer, me, stupidly sad, i said i love her, i want her, i want to meet her so badly

Desperately, this was cumulative from may,, mixed with my anxiety and all

Friday i landed, she still contacted me even though i feel broken, no news from her, i know i will not met her at the sirport, no way it could happened, she sent me couple of lines, and as usual, she left without replies

Stupid me, saturday , i went to her house, with high hopes, to get some clarifications, yes or no,, because i didnt not know the truth, my version was, she single now, couple of guys tried to conncet with her, and i need clar because now im back

She replied , dont find me , she felt uncomfortable and i replied asking for information, confirmation, i was confused, what happened during the lost time, 11 july-22 july, she changed drasrically, he replies, dont bother me anymore, i had bf now, and im happy

I was thinking about giving up, i still think that if she didnot want to meet me, she could just told me that, its fair, i can leave once i heard that from her mouth,,,and after i saw this reply, i have given up, i thought that this is what she wanted, so yeah i gave up

Little did i know, this was the start of big disclosures, the end of this lunacy, the end of this sociopath story......

Things are pretty good from here

But you aint really good

I never learned when we were here before

Just stop your cry it is the sign of the times

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

I am extremely curious how dumb this loser has acted this time if your whole fam is like >>>>>>>>

BRUH IT IS TEA TIME

and upfront as i said in the tags, this isn’t super hot scalding tea like the time he cheated, but just dumbfuckery and him not wanting to learn while also being an ass. so yeah no biggie just idioticy but like.... i also hate his guts so lmao so i mentally make it all worse in my head cause i hate him

so my sister and bf work together cause he is kinda creepy and keeps switching jobs when she switches jobs so that he can work with her btw did i tell you he is very controlling and obsessive about her whereabouts he even called my mum once when he couldnt find her on the tracking app that he wanted her to have on her phone ANYWAY also working as a waiter at the same restaurant

and disclaimer: working as a waiter or not having the highest grades do not make you dumb. sheer and utter incompetence to grasp that you’re an idiot and not wanting to improve makes you dumb. he’s the latter.

also context: my entire family has worked in wait staff

BASICALLY he absolutely fucking sucks at his job up till the point where my sister can’t handle working with him and again, it’s his first time waiting tables so he can learn BUT THIS BITCH has the audacity to command my sister all the time and boss her around when my sister points out that he sucks

and we all go: “this is kinda rude and unreal, cause he has no business acting so bossy when he doesn’t even put any effort in his work���

sis: “yeah but he is just trying to be kind he doesn’t want to be bossy or rude”

us: “.... GIRL if he can’t wait tables that is fine but when you call him out on it or want to help him, he gotta know that you know better”

and tbh my entire fam is just like... HOW can she not see this? like, she talks about the crappy stuff he does at work (like rudely yelling from 2 metres apart to guests: “yo, you guys done? want the receipt?” when my sister asks him to ask if guests want the receipt) and she keeps asking for confirmation that she’s not bad for thinking he’s bad at his job (“you guys think that’s weird too, right? i mean, you shouldn’t do that, right? so you say it’s rude, okay, right? i am not wrong in feeling uncomfortable and embarrased, right?”)

so we confirm that it is just bad manners but that he can learn like we all did, since waiting tables is a skill (which, as you read, he puts no effort in), but she still just.... idk... i sometimes thinks she doesn’t want to admit that he is just not the perfect guy that she wants him to be. and she knows that he isn’t perfect. one thing that i GENUINELY admire from my sister is that she does not put up with all the crap he pulls (altho... i also dont understand why they just haven’t broken up yet like when will she SNAP). but yeah, she immediately jumps into his defense and i just think that it’s shitty. she knows he’s being unnecessarily rude and that she knows better. we confirm that multiple times. and then she immediately goes “oh but no he isn’t commanding he’s just- he doesn’t know better”

... babe

also since this guys is so unnecessarily obsessive about my sister’s behaviour and he continuously criticises her for little things she likes, i also just cant fucking stand him having the sheer audacity to act controlling and commanding over this. but he’s also a fucking cunt so i couldve seen it coming so me being surprised is on me i guess

basically i felt my braincells diE  every time my sister talked about how bad he is at his job and AGAIN it’s a skill that you can learn and i can imagine that he just never was in that environment before but just the lack of motivation to even try to learn is YIKES to me, especially since my sister is the most driven person ever. she works hard for things she wants. she flaunts her knowledge. i mean do i think she’s stupid for taking him back in the first place, yeah, but apart from that i cannot emphasise how competent she is

but this relationship just also brings out the worst in my sister and the gap in competence makes it worse and worse

WHICH LEADS TO PART 2

his sorry ass hasn’t finished high school after failing several times and AGAIN that does not make a person less valuable (academic pretention is yikes), but he doesn’t even try and basically me and the fam believe he is straight up lying now cause he was supposed to hear if he has finally graduated around a month ago

my sis: “oh, he said he hasn’t gotten results yet”

us: “.... you know that all high schools are closed since the year has ended and that summer vacation started 1 week ago and that the test happened more than a month ago”

my sis: “YEAH but there’s less strictness and more extensions due to corona”

me: “yeah true but i just did a 5 second google search and even the extended deadline is over”

fam: “has he at least applied for further education??”

sis: “well no but he says he still has time”

me: “YEAH and ANOTHER 5 second google search showed that that extended deadline ended 2.5 months ago”

AND AGAIN your scholary achievements do not make you any less value bla bla bla, but he had A WHOLE DAMN YEAR to do one subject and even my sister said that it’s super easy and she doesnt get why he hasn’t passed it, but he just did nothing and he knows that my sister finds it very important that he can at least do something cause again she’s super driven and it makes her feel bad of her achievements

which is a RED FLAG. you know, women having to tone down their achievements in order to not outshine men’s fragility cause they don’t want a woman to be better than them

but i think she just realised that he’d been lying and yeah we all felt kinda bad for her, cause she doesn’t deserve that. she left and me and my parents just looked at each other like “would he lie about something so big?”

all of us collectively: “YEAH”

... i mean, he lied about cheating

i just for once want him to stop lying with his hypocritical ass. this bitch lies all the damn time but the moment he finds out my sister called a boy a year ago before they were dating, he needs to hear EVERYTHING (lol about that one time he tried to expose my sister for talking to a guy regularly even before they were dating.... it was our cousin Bobbie). so yeah he needs to know everything or he gets super weird but he can lie about shit like this (and cheating cause truly i wont be surprised if he’s done it again tbh)

and ugh this is a messy reply but just.... 

I FIND HIM SO STUPID FOR THIS and i feel so bad for my sister cause i can imagine that it’s not nice for her to hear all of this either, but FACE IT, this dude hasn’t tried to do shit for a year and now he’s lying and it just makes me so damn mad and she needs to hear it

i feel like this isn’t even the worst thing he’s done cause not knowing how to wait tables does not make you a bad human being, but this relationship is so incredibly unhealthy and toxic that ive reached a point that i am even worried for his well-being (and i FUCKING HATE HIS GUTS). this relation makes both of them so vile and it shows their worst and toxic sides, and i know my sister only does it to show him how unhealthy his behaviour is, but come on COME ON one day she’s gonna snap/

so these things just make it all worse for them in the bigger picture and either he gotta clear up his act or they just gotta break the fuck up

since i have no hope in the first possibility, im gonna join my grandma in praying for the second one

and that’s why we’re all like >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>