#i dont even know anymore if i am terrified because i'm sick or if i'm sick because i'm terrified

[nandalikesstuff]

I don't know anymore if I am dying or just crazy. I don't know I don't know I don't know

I need dr house to examine me, or another similar doctor that orders all the exams until he figures out what is wrong with you because this "see one specific specialist every few weeks then only have schedule for the exams on the next month before it's another few weeks before you can go back to that doctor while you slowly go insane" thing isn't working for me at all.

[dollwrites]

Hi doll since you said you didn't want your page to be political you can totally not post this if you want but I wanted to say I've been feeling the exact same as you. Ever since election night I've been devastated, I've had this hollow heavy feeling in my chest ever since. Its honestly thrown me into such a dark space, I'm absolutely terrified for women right now. And the lgbtq and poc. Like you I've loved dark fics for years now and I watch cnc type content and read noncon etc. But recently it's too much for me ☹ the way men are chanting your body my choice and the way I've seen men online literally plainly admit they are going to start raping women... I can't anymore, it makes me sick to my stomach, it feels too real now. And I feel sad about it too, it's like they've taken something I really enjoy away from me, taken away something that I've enjoyed for years. I dont know when I'll feel okay engaging in this type of content again, I hope it's not the full 4 years he's president. And just to be clear I'm not asking you to stop writing content like this, you're my absolute favorite writer and I feel like you're the absolute best at dark content, I'm just venting I guess 💔 take your time returning to writing, this is a really hard time for alot of people right now. And please stay safe

Hi my love, I’m sorry that it’s a bit late but I do still want to post this! It’s important to me because we’ve been having similar feelings on this topic. I just said in an answer like 3 minutes ago that I try to keep reminding myself not to let them take things I love away from me, but with cnc / noncon / darkfic it’s really really difficult. Still, I think it’s important to remember that love for darkfic or cnc or noncon in fiction is a part of you, and no Male has the power to take any piece of you !!! Of course, it’s easier to say something, but putting it into practice and attempting to find enjoyment in something that has since been bastardized is way harder. I am rooting for you, babe. I’m rooting for us !! If you get back to darkfic tomorrow, that’s awesome, if you never do, that’s okay too! I just hope that you don’t let them take away something that you were not ready to let go, if that makes sense. I don’t want Them to win 😡 which is why I’m still trying to find muse, albeit a little at a time. I want you to also stay safe !! 💚 even though my blog isn’t super political my inbox is safe for you to vent or rant or voice any feelings.

[spiderlegeyelashes]

i desperately need someone to appreciate me for who i am right now. the way i walk and talk and look, the things i do. i need to feel worthy and respectable and maybe even admirable i want to feel beautiful and cool i want to feel likeable i need someone who actually sees and knows me to tell me all about how cool i am i need someone to tell me im performing a person good. i need. iiii need to know i'm doing it well. because i feel like such a sore fucking loser right now and i'm so tired i just want to sleep but i can't even do that. seeing these people every day makes me fucking miserable god i am so scared they will treat me the way they treated szymon and i am so sick of all this pretend. i dont want to be around them anymore i just want to be around real fucjing people im SOOOOO sick of all this. tomorrow i will be more myself and maybe things will be different. i'm sick of pretending i'm shy or socially inept for these dipshits, i wish i could stop pretending i'm just crazy and sick in the head, i wish they would openly admit that whatever dynamic this group has going on is disgusting and terrifying and you'd have to be fucking stupid to feel safe in it. i wish i could stop pretending my shit relations with them are my problem, rather than the fact that they're all fake insecure immature irresponsible childish cowards. i am not a shy freak, i just hate your guts and cannot bring myself to truly talk to you as if you're a real person. I'M SICK OF ALL THESE PERSONAS!!!! CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE PEOPLE? CAN'T WE ACT LIKE FUCKJNG PEOPLE? WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE CHARACTERS? WHY DO WE HAVE TO ADJUST INTO THESE FUCKING ROLES AND "STAY IN OUR LANES" ACCORDINGLY????? WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE FUCKING PEOPLE??????????????? WHY WHYVWHY FOR THE SAKE OF JESUS' CUNT????????????? sorry guys what was that ahah *walks into the kitchen and tries to shove my head into the sink drain*

[bullet-prooflove]

Hi, i'm sorry... I know this is probably not the place to do this and you don't have to reply to it, i just need to get it out of my chest because i feel like i'm going to have a panic attack if don't. We had elections today in my country and at this point it's pretty obvious who's going to win... And i'm TERRIFIED. I've never been so scared in my life. I'm scared for my future, i'm scared for my family and friends' future, i'm scared for my country's future. I have no idea how this person got to where he is now and the fact that some of us are who put him there makes me sick. As a woman i'm particularly scared for our rights because, sadly, we can't take them for granted anymore. This person doesn't believe in sexual education in schools, he doesn't believe in public education... He doesn't even believe in climate change!!! I... I don't know. I love my country with my life but i don't want to be here anymore if this is the kind of people that's in charge.

(i'm really sorry if there's mistakes, i can't even think straight right now l... Let alone write in english) (also, i would really love for you to know who this is coming from but hope you understand why i'm writing it on anon...)

So I understand it is literally a terrifying time for you however you need to stop and take a breath because right now everything is far too big and overwhelming.

I'm not sure what country you are in and I dont watch the news so I cant hazard a guess but... remember what happened when Trump got elected. - this is a horrible example but I'll use it. It was the worst thing in the world, like I am from the uk and I remember when my husband told me I wanted to crawl back into bed and die. We had something similar with that conservative party here just arguably not as bad.

What I'm trying to say is the US survived Trump, and we are still surviving the Tories, you can survive this. There are people challenging, and fighting for your rights actively you aren't alone in how you feel.

So my advice is stop watching the news for now and take small bites of the elephant, and focus on your day to day and the good things in your life.

[ms-hells-bells]

okay so i just turned seventeen, but last year in may i was sixteen and back then i logged into this spam account i used to have that i abandoned, and i had a bunch of old msg's from my friends but i only answered one, it was from my old male best friend who i used to sorta date but the point is he asked me how i was doing, if i moved bc i hadnt been active on anything or answering anyones messages for over a year, i just said 'good' and kept my answers brief but then he said 'is there anything new with you?' and this is the part where i messed up bad, i couldnt take the pain anymore and i asked him to keep this between us, he said yes, and i told him 1. i got raped 2. there was a vid sent to me 3. i am 2m pregnant because i felt sick about telling my family, he was the first person i told just to try to make myself feel better and he said "Thank you for telling me" and left it at that

this is seriously fucking haunting me, sorry if im dramatic but looking back i think he definitely told his friends, he was uncomfortable, or didnt care and whenever i sleep at night i get reminded of it and i just feel so awful inside, i dont know how to make myself feel better and i couldnt take the embarrassment of messaging him on that exact account so i used another one of my spams and told him happy birthday a few months ago, he said thank you hes thinking of me blahblah but (not that its a big deal) he didnt even tell me happy birthday and i feel like he doesnt care about me or the times we had, i thought maybe he didnt know what to say (bc wtf is thank you for telling me???? or let know know if that was a normal reply and these paragraphs are not a big deal) but then i had to remind myself that okay, he's twenty and he was probably uncomfortable especially because we hadnt talked in 1year+. of course i apologized bc it was kinda trauma dumping on him but im so embarrassed how do i overcome it, should i delete the messages??? i think that could help but im also too embarassed to reread them i feel like i should kms the humiliation is unreal

i thought time would fix it but its been 9 months. time did not help me. if you dont have a solution ty anyways and im probably going to delete the msgs once i can bring myself to log in

first of all, i'm so sorry that that happened to you, that's awful.

i think you really need therapy, you've gone through a terrible thing, and you feel extremely alone and terrified of being judged. he responded the only way he could to hearing something like that, i think 'thank you for telling me' means 'thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this' as it can be so hard to tell that to someone. a lot of people also don't like saying 'sorry' because it comes off as disingenuous, so i think 'thank you for telling me' is the best response he could have given in that situation, especially as an older male talking to you (16 vs 20).

i think that, though it'll be hard, you need to stop thinking about it. you confided in someone you had trust with, he responded in a supportive way, and you haven't brought it up afterwards, meaning there's very little chance that he felt 'trauma dumped' on or extremely uncomfortable (of course, it'd be uncomfortable to hear that, but that's a natural reaction out of empathy). you told him, that's it, it's best to move on. it's so hard to with anxiety, where you overthink everything that you do and say, and others' reactions, but i found that the best thing to do is just take things like this at face value. he provided the appropriate support an acquaintance would, you got it off your chest to someone, and you both proceed with the best path forward; he continues chatting with you casually when it comes up, given you're living different and physically separated lives, and you continue the process of healing from your trauma.

tldr: you did nothing wrong, you were vulnerable and needed someone to talk to. he responded a bit awkwardly, but in good faith, and is continuing to talk to you in the appropriate amount for a somewhat out of contact old friend. nothing to regret, it's just a matter of finding a proper outlet for you via therapy and support from people who are physically present and closer (personally) to you in order to healthily cope with your trauma.

i hope any of this helps.

[dragonji]

having a mome below dont worry abt it

sorry in advance but apparently tonight is a real Cannot Fucking Stand This Body Anymore kinda night. I need to get on t so goddamn bad like im terrified of it and how people will react esp like my family but that shit was always going to be complicated anyways and also I am straight up going to kms if I have to live like this for another year .lol♡ . I just. I've worked really hard since living on my own to be even close to neutral on my appearance and voice and bearing and ik its made worse bc its 4 in the morning as I'm dealing with this but its so fucking easy to backslide into the cesspit of resentment and anguish and snarling fury I have at looking and being the way I am currently. I can't stand myself and the ways I know I'm percieved there's no way I can survive the way I am much longer. And it's like being clawed apart slowly from the inside knowing that on the other side of the fear that paralyzes me is so much potential to fall in love with myself in a way I know I can barely imagine- it'll take time to mold my body into what I tentatively let myself fantasize about sure but at least it will be Something. I dont expect to become ethereal or worthy of reverence or anything so grand of course but I can't help but be feverishly consumed with hunger to know how I'll change. To know what my voice will sound like- will my register finally expand to those low growling tones and gravely rumbles that I hear in my mind sometimes when I invision some far-future version of myself? Will I finally be able to build and keep muscle, enough that I can look at my body and think this is capable and useful and will serve the purposes asked of it, instead of being just another thing to bury under pretty distractions to keep anyone from looking closer? Will I ever even get to a point that I Could let anyone look at me without feeling the need to raise my hackles or run or make excuses? Its not that I don't like decorating myself in nice clothes and jewelry and all kinds of little details, I just want so badly to believe that one day I could do it just for the fun of it and not as layers upon layers of defenses to keep myself and hopefully others from thinking about the form underneath. I'm losing the plot to all the white-out longing in my head but yeah all that to say. I wish I were able to find pride in my physical self. I wish I had a form I could think of as anything more than an inconvenience at best. This one is so selfish and will never be acted upon but I wish I were able to let myself be desired too. I wish I had the courage to make some choice, anything really, to progress towards the possibility of ever having any of that. But in the end I cower from change even ones I know will make me happier because they always risk upsetting someone and if I'm the only one left sick with anguish well. That's just basic math isn't it? Better to be the one stuck with all the suffering than being the one shattering it out in an impact crater I can't even attempt to hide is my fault. So I'll just keep not reaching out and playing down how gutwrenchingly sick I am on the daily to be living this way. And if I just tell myself enough times that it's fine, that I don't Need any of the things I want, that obviously desire is the root of suffering and as such it's only right that I abstain from even the most benign of my own, well it has to be true eventually, doesn't it?

[wingedbeings]

.

[astranne]

If memory serves right you mentioned professional gamer!xiao?

I hope i deliver! (Ofc hope ur day is going well and ur not shriveling up in the heat like i am)

PG(professional gamer)! Xiao would absolutely have THOUSANDS of fan

Most would be simps, but a good portion would be impressed by his speedrun skills, how well he handle jumpscares and doesn't interrupt dialogue? Helloooo??? Hand in marriage rn.

I cannot see him with facecam though, he probably though his facial expressions arent as good as other streamers who are more lively than him. I can see him being a casual gamer sometimes playing co-op shooters? A few peaceful games for his more younger audience if he has one

Onto his fandom...

I can see his fans being um.. feral? If he ever posted a picture of his face i can see him blowing up on every social media in mere hours, edits and everything being done. Hell, a picture of his shadow would make them lose it. But he would absolutely keep his fandom on a strict leash especially if hes aware of their ages. Im rolling off of ganyu's story quest, that he would be strict with his chat and have many mods to control their outrageous behavior. His fandom would probably would be the most well behaved out there.

But if he gets hate? Prayin for them. I hope they're okay. Passive aggressive threats 😰

His gaming style?

I can see him playing occasionally with Hu Tao or Childe, maybe in a horror game he doesn't know about

"You go first."

"Im not going first."

"Oh my god go first-" and it keeps going on like that for awhile till Xiao goes first and gets jumpscared envitably.

I dont see him actually screaming or getting scared? More like a huff and "you guys are dramatic" thing but on the rare occasion he is scared its just a swift movement of the mouse and maybe he hit his mic thats all. A few curse words thats it.

The games he would play?

I can see him playing multiple games, mostly small indie game devs from itch.io maybe a few big games but he likes giving credits to smaller game devs on steam and other websites but on occasion he posts a poll just in case his viewers get bored of his style :/

Another thing, he would absolutely have a day dedicated to having no mic or anything just him playing a game like Unpacking or Minecraft, or calm game like stardew maybe some soft copyright free music.

Charity events?

Bro raises thousands 💀 especially if theres a goal involved? Met the same day.

Now im back in my minecraft phase purely because the new update but The Warden being out gives me so many ideas about PG!Xiao.

Him coming across it the first time and freezing up, because the warden has a heartbeat effect that fades your screen in and out its literally so terrifying even if you know its there.

The clicking noises is horrendous, Xiao literally audibly saying "Hell no." As soon as he hears it literally SNIFF HIM OUT (it sniffed me before and i almost cried) and trying to escape, but pisses it off more and it uses That horrendously loud sonic screech to kill him because oh my god you cant tower away from it to escape and he stared in shock while chat spams F's in chat.

oh boy. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FOR BLESSING ME DEAR FISCHL ANON <33 sorry this took so long, but i had to stare a bit at this ask and got lazy answering for a time but psht

more brainrot under the cut hehe

yes, i did indeed talk about professional gamer!xiao and it has been on my mind during my finals :D (and i'm doing well, my body finally doesn't die that much anymore when going outside but i'm still a bit sick ew)

PG!xiao would be on a fame level similar to dream. and i stand by this. this man is fan service in person, of course he has millions of followers.

and yes, most would be simps, but then they would look closer and be like, damn this man actually knows what he's doing. this man is definition of speedrun, minecraft speed run? genshin speedrun? acnh speedrun? any kind of speedrun and you bet he did it.

hand in marriage, always. goddamn, he would get so many messages, and it's not only his fans, but also other gamers and influencers. xiao tries to ignore them, but he always gets blushy and flustered over it.

he first started without a face cam, and then had one, but with bad lightening. now that he's a bit more confident, he still has one, but sometimes it gets too much and he just,,, puts a paper over his cam or smth

this man slays in every game he touches. he just has the talent for gaming, you bet he's totally into valorant (maybe that's his professional part), cod, even fortnite (but he slowly started hating this game because of the random kids in it), but also grinding games like hayday or others. he totally has animal crossing new horizon and his island is just... perfection. he's a rich island owner and will spoil the shit out of his fellow islanders.

feral fans for xiao. yes. they see him as their god, too beautiful and skilled for this world. this man doesn't only have a model face but is also a very skilled gamer (professional gamer in valorant, wins in minecraft contests all the time, etc.) and his style... OH AND HIS HAIR. you bet it's his friends who thought eyeliner would make his eyes pop (goddamn he's just beautiful and gorgeous and-) you bet xiao has like the whole color palete just as eyeliners. and he slays in every color

xiao has an army of mods. most of them are older than him, which is why he chose them, and they are very strict with the rules. because yes, you have to keep his fans at a very, very, VERY tight lash. he literally trains them- they can be feral in his twitch chat, his comments, but as soon they are in other fandoms/chats/whatever, they must behave. and they do. nobody wants to be responsible for a disappointed xiao. he is very strict with his chat, but let's them have their 5 minutes (chat always breaks in those 5 minutes lmao)

xiao getting hate. first of all. WHO?! WHO IS HATING ON HIM?? probably another streamer wanting some drama for more fame. yeah, big mistake. xiao's fanbase cancelling the shit out of them. playing FBI and finding dirt and the reason why this streamer doesn't stream anymore. and this all in 6 hours. not even a day, 6 hours. xiao didn't even realize what his fans were doing, until a friend wrote him how twitter is blowing up.

xiao fanbase is now feared by all. streamers, gamers, influencers. the boogiemen of the internet. and xiao is their god. lmaoo-

him playing with childe and hu tao!!! yes pls. hu tao will always vote for horror games and she will search the internet for the best ones. childe just cackling in the background- fans love it.

xiao would play everything he gets his hands on. naturally the games as professional gamer, but also relaxing games. and he will totally play snake.io

this man is definition of indie game enjoyer and every smaller game dev will pray for their moment- the moment when xiao plays their game and rates it (xiao doesn't know the power he holds. he really doesn't)

viewers will never get bored of xiao, but it's still a big fear of his. his fans will love watching him doing anything- just breathing would be fine too and they will lose their mind. and their hearts melt when xiao is like, uhm yeah today i'm doing something new, so you won't get bored- HHHHHHH

and yes. once xiao does smth, he is dedicated to it and will do it, and nothing can stop him. 24hrs streams? he will play 24hrs, nothing can stop him. no mic day? that means no mic day.

charity events. okay listen. everyone knows xiao is big on charity. and if you wanna look good (as a famous person) you better give the man a few thousands. and his fans? they don't want to get outplayed by attention seeking bitches (that's what they always say, and this is why they always spare more than a few bucks)

also- minecraft. xiao is a minecraft kid, and he will always come back to his roots. this is why i think PG!xiao would be part of this dream/tommyinnit/snapnap/etc. group. not very often, but as soon the peeps say he joins- everyone freaks tf out. all their views go the hell up once xiao joins them, and you bet they want him as often as possible with them (jokes on them, xiao is an anxious little bean, he would rather rot in his room all alone instead of talking to people. his excuse is training for next tournaments lmao- and it works everytime)

xiao would die. and he did. wanna bet he screeched? it's the newest tiktok trend.

"okay, we doing good..." a few seconds pass.

"click. click. click."

"oh fuuuu-", is barely heard, more seconds of xiao muttering and running tf away.

"SREEEEECH."

"SCREEEEEEEEE-", xiao's screech was louder.

yeah- xiao would be trendsetter for tiktok trends and it's all his fans fault. yk those videos which show the videos to the sounds and go viral? since people don't know where thos sounds came from? yes, those. thanks to those, everybody knows it's xiao's screech.

GOD DAMN- PG!XIAO JUST HITS DIFFERENT- okay but, another thing. i'm not really into tournament valorant, but i know a group is slaying rather often there (or i think so??) anyways, xiao is part of said group. what would his chosen character be? cuz i see him as multi player, he slays in everyone he chooses. just as always. xiao just slaying.

[horce-divorce]

man. Incoming Long Sad Bull Shit but idk where to go with this but my blog. I am in so so much pain and I'm so tired and I'm so nervous to see the U of Mich again this week when they're so terrible....

yes I am in some MALS groups and ostensibly talking to other ppl who understand this hell is validating...

but tbh... lately it's just made me feel worse talking to them sometimes... Like yes they validate that what I'm going through is torture, and impossible to explain to someone else, that it really IS dangerous and I SHOUDLNT be told "you must be dying this much" before someone finally treats it.

but then it just like. throws into relief how bleak this situation is. it's really not gonna get better. it's really gonna keep getting even worse, when it's already so unbearable, and has taken everything from me. this really is A Rare Disorder and nobody wants to touch it with a 50 foot pole. there really is NO solution except a terrifying, enormous abdominal surgery that could just as easily complicate things further. I'm really in this all alone. They really don't get it.

and every single day, every single time I eat, I'm out here fighting for my fucking life, living WITH all this shit but also being my own full time carer, and on top of that I have to do all this other stuff, and traveling, and fundraising, and research, and be an advocate and fight doctors and fight for the care I WILL need in order to SURVIVE this and I'm doing ALL of this. Alone. Nobody helps me with the heaviest of this stuff. My mom is gonna drive part way to Ann arbor and my dad got us a hotel so I can go so there's that kind of help...

But no one's there holding my hand while I'm going thru all this shit. My parents will take me and then drop me at the door. No one's helping me keep track of my results and records and paperwork and contacts and research notes. No one's advocating w me when I'm talking to these shit ass doctors. No one's helping me research or find other alternatives. No one's trying to help me adapt my day to day living situation as it deteriorates- fuck, no one even wants to see that!! They're buying me camping gear!!! They don't!!! Get it!!!!!

I see all these parents in the MALS groups who's kids got sick and they dropped everything to find answers. Am I really so good at hiding my pain that everyone thinks I dont NEED help with this?? Is it because I was so unpleasant in my 20s nobody can deal with me???? My stomach has hurt since I was 8 years old and everyone just keeps saying. Oh. You'll figure it out. You'll be fine. No one hears me. No one hears me fucking sobbing when I have panic attacks trying to eat. No one hears me when I say it's like eating glass, that I'm horrified so goddamn scared to even try because of how much it hurts, but I'm so starving hungry all the time that I have to.

No one sees how close I am to giving up. No one cares enough to be able to handle it. They see the most moderate symptoms and can't even handle that much.

Everyone IRL doesn't get it. They keep saying well intentioned but really off base stuff about like. "Couldn't you still get a job as a driver." when I bring up fears about doing an activity(that end up being right!) They keep mistakenly assuring me "you'll be fine" and then being shocked by how bad things really are when I can't mask it anymore.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do!!! I'm in so much pain. My life is actually in danger from this disorder in so many ways, not least of all on the mental health front. And no one wants to hear it. And my therapist is trying but she's abled and every time I explain how hard it is they're just like "aww :(" like ....!!! That's not what I need either!!!! I've had enough of "aww :((" for at least an entire lifetime!!!!! Please no more!!!!!

I just don't even know what to do with myself. I'm trying so hard to cope like an adult but the truth is that this is reducing me to a scared, babbling toddler in more than one way and nobody in my life can handle it. It's not just the doctors that won't touch me with a 50 foot pole. I'm alone

[kazaa]

i dont talk a lot about my problems here because i prefer to keep quiet, but because i have a few friends on here, i think its only fair.

if i ever stop talking to you, don't take it personally. i really don't know how to socialize properly, a small part of that is autism-related. however, most is due to traumatizing experiences i had with previous friends. if you had a bad friendship, i can 9/10 times sympathize because i've gone through the same.

lying, stealing, ghosting, being the odd one out, harassment, one-sided communication, gaslighting, being abandoned because i'm 'boring' or dont share exactly the same interests anymore... and other stuff i either am not allowed to remember or can't.

friendships are very hard for me and i often cry myself to sleep because my anxiety surrounding them makes me relive the 'bad ending' some other friendship stories have. i know It Is Okay to gain and lose some friends but if all you experience is losing and barely gaining (if ever), you get why.

making friends is already hard enough as is for me, not only because i dont talk to people first, but also because everytime i let people get close to me, i've been hurt beyond what i can recover from on my own.

i'm just so sick and tired of doing the talking, doing everything to ensure i can have a healthy friendship. i'm tired of being stuck in this time loop of everything going fine, then messed up and the cycle repeats with another person. i have been told that 99% of the time, it isnt my fault but can you believe it if it happens so often? i doubt it.

i cant tell you exactly how i feel, autism be damned. but know this: i am trying to be the best friend i can be, even if i've experienced nothing but all of the above. but dont take it personally if i shut up and stop socializing, thats me having a hard time not only accepting we're friends but also trying to keep myself from pushing you away because i'm terrified you're going to hurt me.

[astralredd]

This whole thing is just a rant but...I feel like im being a shitty and spoiled person but ugh I'm kinda upset because.....

Local depressed trans kid searches for things to help cope with depression (and anxiety) and thinks, "hey, roller skating is kinda cool!"

Local depressed trans kid asks their mum, "Hey mum, can we go buy some roller skates?" Kid doesn't have a job because their mum doesn't let them get one, so he can't make money except for maybe $5 a day if he cleans the kitchen floor (maybe), but nevertheless, he tells his mum he'll pay her back when he gets the chance.

Local depresses trans kid's transphobic mother who's quite honestly an asshole says, "it's not practical. You've never skated before-" this is not true "-and you never will skate." This is also not true.

Local transphobic mother who's an asshole doesn't know their kid is trans. Local transphobic mother who's an asshole doesn't know their kid is depressed. If the kid tried to tell their mum he's depressed, his mum would say "read the bible", or his mum would say "your life is too good for you to be depressed." This is not true.

Im tired of typing out "local depressed trans kid" so imma not do that anymore.

I've decided pretty recently that I dont want to "live practically" which, sure, that's probably a really stupid thing to do. But I'm a teenager who's been forced to mature because of childhood trauma. I'm a teenager who's terrified of what my parents would do if they found out I'm trans. I'm sick of living in fear of my parents, and I'm sick of missing out on actually being able to hang out with the friends that *I* want to hang out with, not the friends my mum chooses for me. I don't want requirements put on people if they want to be my friend like "they and their whole family has to be Christian and has to have exactly the same opinions as us" (us meaning my parents.)

I don't want to live practically, at least not while im still a kid. I know I'm missing out on life because my parents don't let me make mistakes. I'm missing out on being actually happy because my parents don't let me be who I am. The next best thing I can do is buy roller skates, or drive really fast on an empty road, or watch movies at my sister's house that I'm not supposed to. I'm scared of stepping out of my comfort zone because I'm scared of what my parents will do.

But honestly? Whats the worst they can do? Take away my phone? Take away the TV? I can find ways around that, because having strict parents trains your brain to think around the problem and find another way.

I'm kinda out of things to say now, but I guess my piece of advice for other LGBTQ+ kids (or cishet kids) with super strict parents is live outside of your comfort zone! It'll take time to build up courage to do so for some of us (including me) but I think it's a very important thing to do and a very important goal (even though it's very vague) to have, especially if you're depressed like me.

I live in hope that when I move out of my parents house, I can finally actually be happy. Sure, there will be bills to pay and adulthood is helle stressful, but at least I can actually do what I want in most cases (except for the fact that I live in a transphobic and horrible society) but yeh ill be okay

[ddaisyroots]

AhAHA please dont listen to any of this

I'm literally going to sit here and scream.

It's only 11, I never get this upset this early. I thought I was feeling better but then it all got lonely and I had nobody to talk to, and god I am terrified of being alone. I dont know why. Maybe its because I get locked in my room of a night and aren't allowed to talk to anybody until the morning. That's never fun. I hate it, they know I hate it, but they seriously just dont care. I've had a headache, been nauseous, miserable and dizzy for hours now from some injections I had to get today. Yet I was forced to tidy my room or not go to a comic con that she hadn't even booked, it was my dad. She was going to stop me from seeing me dad if I didnt tidy my room with my achey ass arms. Yall see the fucking bullshit there? I tidied it, decided to have a lay down. Then was told to get a shower. I'm not a fucking scruff, I'm fine with getting a wash, its seeing myself I'm not ok with. I'm not allowed my phone in the bathroom anymore, so I cant listen to music to distract myself. I told them this information, I got called stupid and to just get on with it.

Not too long ago, one of my "best" friends keeps on bringing in alcohol and pressuring me to drink some of it. First it was vodka, then gin, then jack Daniel's. After the gin, I was forced onto one of those big ass swings, (I'm scared of heights) and because I am EXTREMELY light, I was pushed to the lord himself. They only let me off when they saw my face had turned green and pale. I hadn't eaten dinner that day so I didnt have anything to vomit afterward, but god I felt like I was, even if nothing was coming out. I don't know why I still hang around them anymore. After I sat out underneath the slide, still feeling sick, they simply laughed at me for being a "lightweight" (I have never drank in my life, only last christmas, so of course I'm gonna be a lightweight. I couldnt see straight, my chest was burning and two online folk had to assist me (thank u Norah))

I always tell myself to never go to the park, but I always go anyway, not wanting to be a spoilsport. It always. always. Ends with me crying. I always go home upset and none of them ever care, but honestly as soon as either of them are upset, it's all "oh no! Is everything alright? Do you need anything?" But me, the tranny, gets fucking LAUGHED AT every SINGLE fucking T I M E. I am sick to death of being treated like shit, I get told "oh, you dont deserve it" by my online friends, but if I really didnt deserve it, why is it happening? Riddle me that, sh e r l ock. Why is it FUCKING HAPPENING IM SO TIRED OF IT. Theres no way for it to stop without me being a social outcast either. Ill loose them all and I'll have nobody to hang around with, i dont want to seem pathetic and alone. I am, but I dont want anybody in my school to see that. You could get beat up for that. Stabbed if you're lucky. God. I want to be put out my misery and fast.

[lose-in-my-world]

Counting calories was the beggining of the end; the world suddenly revolves around numbers and everything else lose its meaning. When i woke up first in the morning i told myself, whats the number for today? Can i do better than yesterday? Even if better meant worse for my mental health, it also meant that the fear and panic wouldn't appear. As long as you eat less, as long as you dont get close to that number, you are safe. Your organs slowly lose their strenght to fight for your life, your muscles can't sustain you anymore, but somehow your disordered mind tells you are safe. They've never understood that part, but they never experienced the intensity of fear that comes when you get over that number. The curse of living through numbers. whenever i think about this fear i can feel it lingering in the space of my head yet again. I used to think that sadness is the feeling you should want to escape from the most, but in sadness i found comfort while panic and fear and being terrified its the nightmare that appear every night, its eating me alive in the most violent way. Torture. To exist in this version of universe is to be a leaf in the autumn, the disorder is the foot that step on you without looking back, you are left with nothing, you become nothing. I was a leaf for so long that i got used with the sound of being cracked wide open, i think i will hear it even in my grave. I feel sick when i remember that family/friends, they became numbers too, interactions with people were about burning those calories: talking, walking, laughing. Not going out with them was also about burning those calories for humans life depends on food and they know you are a human being and you need food too, but my mind tries to deny it for fear is stronger than every organ aching for food. Food made me cry. Seeing a piece of bread and crying because you want to eat it but if you do your life will fall apart, irrational thoughts, its all there is inside this damaged brain. Its irrational to believe that if you eat one more grape you will receieve the most horrible news, yet i did believed. Its terrifing how in your mind horrible things are asocciate with eating more than the calories intake for that day yet i found myself crying when i did overeat because what if those bad things will actually happen? I could never explain to people why eating over my calories intake it felt like dying in a way they could understand. I dont believe there is a way to explain your irrational thoughts to someone, why you are so sure that those bad things will happen but you can believe them from the bottom of your heart. I believed them all. I overate many times and fear was there, always there in case this happened and reassured me about how my life is going to fall apart because of this. If i really think about it, my disorder was not about being skinny, because even with lots of kg less those thoughts were still there. I still find myself looking at food and feeling guilty because i find pleasure in eating it, im still scared of some types of food to the point i haven't eaten them in years for i know that eating them will eventually make me cry, i'm still convinced that if i eat some sorts of food everything will fall apart. Over those months that become years of dealing with this, i built a house and i throw the fear away. But its waiting for me, its always at the door, looking at my life through the door locker. Always catching a glimpse of what i am doing. Do you hear that sound too? Another leaf has been destroyed.

[ourfertilityjourney]

Pregnancy updates: We saw the baby again on Monday after a big scare over the weekend. Saturday while at the mall I passed a stringy clot and my fiancé watched me melt down. Sunday I woke up to a gush of red (nearly purple) blood at 3:30 am and I was in so much pain I could hardly walk back to bed. I immediately felt my heart sink and I was sure the baby was gone. I woke up my fiancé and just cried on his chest until I finally went back to sleep. Sunday I was in so much pain all day that we finally decided to go get me checked out at the ER. After many hours we were sent home because the pregnancy had already been confirmed via ultrasound and therefore there was no risk of it being ectopic and they didn't see what was happening as an emergency. The doctors words were something of "if the embryo is compatible with life you want this to pass through you anyways." So I went home, in a lot of pain and waited.

Finally on Monday I had an ultrasound which both my fiancé and mom accompanied me to. The baby had continued growing right on track and had a heart rate of 175 bpm. It was such a sigh of relief and I made it through all of the following day without having worries about the baby.

Now it's Wednesday, I'm 8 weeks 6 days and I have felt the fear start creeping in again. I have a migraine which is starting to break a little and I've had no morning sickness today. Like zero. Cue the terror that something is wrong. I've tried to tell myself that all I've done is lay down and I've had food and that probably that's why it's different than it has been. But I feel like my morning sickness is starting to go away and I didn't expect that until like 3 or 4 weeks from now. So that's pretty terrifying to me.

I'm also really struggling with the lack of intimacy in my relationship. My fiancé and I had had a very healthy sex life of basically every other day for our entire relationship. Since we found out I was pregnant again (tomorrow will be 5 weeks since then) that stopped. We have had sex maybe once a week, sometimes it's been even longer between. Every time we have sex I spot for days and I'm basically convinced it's going to end the pregnancy even though it hasn't yet because I still associate the two. The sex was most likely a helping hand in getting my body to release my passed pregnancy in May. And while I understand that that pregnancy wasn't viable and had ended and this one has not, I can't unlink the two. I feel like before i stopped wanting sex, we were much more playful. Our hands were frequent wanderers. I dont remember the last time he touched my butt. And I feel like when I try to touch him he just shuts it down because he knows sex is basically off the table. And it's hard because I miss it, but I also have zero sex drive at the moment. I just don't really want it anymore physically or mentally. And I'm kinda tormented by that because I do want it emotionally. I'd give just about anything for him to lay down with me one night and just hold me naked because we don't really get naked together anymore. He hasn't even been sleeping with his shirt off as much lately. I even tried to send him flirty texts about BJ's and nothing. Still hasn't brought it back up to me either. I kind of feel like because the sex stopped he just has no desire for anything in the capacity and it makes me afraid that he doesn't desire me anymore either.

I'm really nervous about basically everything in my life and I know stress on me is stress on the baby but I just can't seem to catch a break at the moment. I mostly feel like shit about everything and everyone and I'm sad all the fucking time.

[introspectev]

I've "come out" to my family three times now. First I thought I was bi/pan because, yes, i feel the same attraction to everyone regardless of gender. That was the easiest coming out actually because my parents thought there was still a very good chance I'd end up marrying a boy (or a nice girl who they would grow to love). It also wasnt hard to explain because they'd already heard the term before. Easy.

Then I came out as demisexual because I heard the term on youtube and thought it might apply because I wasnt really wanting to have sex with anyone I didn't know or saw on tv (I also didn't want to have sex with people I did know and possibly even loved, but I was terrified to come out as fully ace because I didn't want that term to apply to me for... valid outcast-type reasons. I just wanted someday to have that perfect love story that everyone's always going on about and I, in my ignorant youth, didn't think ace people could have that. But demisexuality was almost made for the soulmate kind of mentality I had at the time). Anyway, coming out as demi was a bit harder to explain but seemed well-received by my parents. I mean... they still told me that it sounded like demisexuality was just a cop-out term for being too picky. *rolls eyes* But it was still a good coming out.

And then... finally! Finally finally, I came out as Aro. And it did not go well. I'd just gone on a date with this great guy who checked all my stupid perfect guy boxes and then... I still felt nothing. I still cringed at the idea of kissing him or going on a second date with him. He wanted to take me on a picnic. That's so adorable and I... just got so sick thinking about it and I was just like okay. Something is wrong. I dont think this is normal hetero jitters anymore. And finally I discovered the term aromantic. It finally fit. I finally knew what specific category of queer I was and I was so freaking happy. So I blurted it out when i next saw my mom and... she was not excited as I was, I'll tell you that. I got pissed because i finally understood myself and all she kept going on about was "Well how do you know?" and "You just haven't found the one." and "Maybe just give this guy a second chance." I cried for hours. I went home and binged YouTube videos about being aroace and I cried. I did sit them down eventually and explained how I felt and... i think they get it. My identity is growing on them at a frustratingly slow pace but its still... getting through to them little by little. I suppose that's better than nothing.

I will always be sad that the time where I came out using the term that actually fit me was the worst of my "coming out" experiences. But I'm still glad that I did because now I truly understand who I am. And to be part of the lgbtqa+ community as that person is the very best thing about finally finding the words that fit me.

Wow... so this post was long. I just meant to say that thinking you're bi/pan before you realize you're aroace is completely normal. Lol.

as an ace (aroace specifically💚🖤💜) i just gotta know if more people share my same experience.

for the longest time, i knew i wasn’t hetero. but unfortunately, there was very little exposure around a-spec, and so i thought i was bi or pan for so long? because i felt the same attraction to men, women, and anyone in between. it wasn’t until later in life that i figured out,,, yes, i am correct! im attracted the same amount to everyone ! just that the sexual and romantic attraction is zero,,!

idk i feel like that might be common bc we as an lgbt+ community are doing so much better at being visible and accepted as queer, so i knew that i was different and valid and accepted, but it just wasn’t the right label or community for me personally. although i found my comfortable labels, i still don’t mind saying i’m bi or pan bc technically for me it’s not wrong! :)

Yeah, I think this is a somewhat common experience. It wasn’t my specific experience, but I know a lot of aroace people who ID’d as bi or pan before figuring out they were aroace, and exactly like you say. They knew their attraction to people was the same regardless of gender.

I’m going to throw this out to followers, anyone with similar experiences to this who want to talk about it or have any thoughts on it?

[slitherfromeden]

hiii how are you! it's right after dawn here and i'm about to sleep, but i'm leaving you the sunrise, the roses i saw in the backyard, and the birds chirping outside as gifts. tell me about your day (or anything else you want) so i can read it + reply when i wake up? ♡ many hugs, i love you!

hi!!!! thank you so much. umm well. basically. finally got my phone call from my psych. i was,,, a bit more honest this time. she kept on asking if i was leaving the house and i was like "no." and she was like "you know you can. you can leave several times a day if you want since you have a diagnosed mental illness." and i was like "i just don't want to" and then she was asking why and like. asking why i hadnt been sleeping and what my nightmares were about and i just. dont think she understood that i was desperately trying to tell her something was very wrong in not so many words. she takes my mums word as gospel and like. i dont understand why. she knows that me and my mum do not have a good relationship and that if i was truly doing unwell i would never let my mum know. and she was like "you can write it down and read it out next time or wait to show me it when we're face to face" and like. im not gonna. 

the truth is that im so horrifically terrified of being raped that i can barely leave my room. i kept on having to squeeze my face as a stim during the call and like. i had my childhood teddies on hand and i kept on hugging them and it felt so juvenile but i was so uncomfortable because i couldnt understand how she wasnt getting that im trying to tell her im at rock bottom and like. we got into the topic of school, since i start on monday, and like,,,, that was like all we talked about for a majority of the time and yes it is a stresser for me but. she didnt even ask about self harm or suicidal ideation yet again and like. i think she's expecting me to bring it up but i never have. i cant. and like i guess some progress was made but its still "i'll call you in three weeks" and like. sure i can phone in but she knows i wont. she knows im desperately terrified of phone calls. and like we didnt even touch on my birthday and she knows its soon, and she saw how much of a mess i was in last year during that time so i dont understand. she needs to stop treating me before i turn 18. its law. i turn 17 next week. we have less than a year together and like. i cant just get one phone call a week. i cant. and i didnt even get into what i did to my leg or. anything. my mum told her i was fine and even though it was becoming abundantly clear throughout the phone call that i was NOT i feel like she was avoiding it and like. 

she's a good psych. shes a good lady so i dont understand why shes doing this. if this was face to face this would never happen. im absolutely drowning and nobody is fucking listening and ive been having at least one panic attack a day and its all a bit too much. i dont know what to do anymore and if anything i feel like im worse off for these phone calls. like,,,,, i like speaking to her but not when she wont listen to me. cause i feel like shes not and its just making me feel more alone and useless. i dont know how else i couldve told her something was wrong in the state im in. i genuinely dont. i feel sick. i know for a fact that my mum saw the cuts on my arm when i gave her the phone and like,,, my mum knows i self harm so whatever but. its a lot and its getting very deep. i am not someone who needs to cut deep. i can scratch and be fine. plus i’m still walking funny and still in pain from my leg cut. it should be so obvious that im a danger to myself. the voices in my head are back and its so loud. its so loud and it wont stop and they normally went away when i hurt myself but they wont anymore and i just wanna die. i'd do anything to die rn.

anyway sorry that was long and sad. hmm. yeah. just feeling very lost. you can give off all the warning signs in the world, doesnt mean people will pay attention i guess. starting school on monday and im dreading it ahfsd. might just drop out or sumn cause i cant handle this. my parents would never let me but. god i feel so unable to do this. i cant. i might email my guidance teacher and just beg him to let me sit out until august. anway. how are you? did you sleep well? are you gonna be doing anything today?? sending love and hugs!!!