#i dont actually wanna have cancer but i dont wanna have a uterus you feel me?

[cyborgrhodey]

having my first pap smear in a few days and like (unhealthily) hoping that they look in there and go,,, yeah this whole thing has to go

[theechoofadistanttide-blog]

Feeling like I’m having a nervous breakdown

Hey guys so ok this is gonna be a very long post ‘cause I’m having a nervous breakdown and I dont think I can keep going like this.

From where do I start? 

I’m listening to “Fuck you” so probably I should start by speaking about Federico. Federico was my ex boyfriend and we were together for about 4 months (you may think it’s not so much time but for me it is). So you know how we broke up? No? Well, me neither. I was just getting very annoyed by his attitude and he gradually stopped asking me to hang out. So one day I called him and he didnt answer. After that day we didnt see each other anymore. That sucks right? No it doesn’t because I am a fucking strange person that can’t prove normal feelings.

I just let it go. That’s the end. And when I see him around the city with his friends, I’m only able to complain about them being all FUCKBOYS! 

I FUCKING HATE FUCKBOYS 

You wanna know where my hate comes from? All the guys I meet in this fucking city (which is making me wanna throw up so bad) anyway, all the guys just wanna fuck me and I’m fucking fed up! I deserve love and emotions and all those beautiful stuff that you get when someone CARES. I feel like no one cares, so why should I?

I went on a therapy till december, then I had to stop taking ZOLOFT ‘cause it was giving me more anxiety. So I started another therapy. On my own. I started building self-confidence. And now I seriously believe that I’m worthy and that I am unique and that no one can put me down. I SERIOUSLY believe that I’m an amazing creature with all the right stuff in the right place. So where’s the point?

The point is that I’m fed up of being forced to separate sex from emotional commitment: SEX IS EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT, YOU STUPID HYPOCRITES, IF YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON IS LIKE YOU’RE MASTURBATING WITH A DOLL YA KNOW.

But that’s not the end of my relationships’story: ever since I lost virginity I only ended up with guys who wanted to have sex without using fucking condoms. That’s thei point of view: OK YOU KNOW GIRL YOU’RE AMAZING BUT I CANT TAKE ON COMMITMENT CAUSE I’VE LOVED TOO MUCH IN MY LIFE SO JUST LET’S HAVING SEX! AH BUT SWEETIE I DONT USE CONDOMS: I CANT FEEL YOUR VAGINA, YA KNOW. BUT DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT: I CAN CONTROL MYSELF!

YOU KNOW WHAT? NO YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOURSELF! NOBODY CAN! Your fucking penis produces seminal stuff even BEFORE and DURING sex!

What about getting sick??????????? Syphilides? HIV??? FUCK YOU ALL!

This year I had to take 3 (THREE) day-after-pills... Which is like killing your uterus.... I was stupid but what else could I do? Ya... maybe being more conscious and force them to use condoms... But you know, when you fucking hate yourself you don’t care much about future and consequences... You’re just not able to think critically. You do the bad things, you choose bad. 

All I thought about ever since a while was being high...

So now we get to another big point of this overwhelming situation: PARENTS... Ya it seems like I got the perfect family: mum’s lawyer, dad’s a doctor... What could be wrong with ita? Just another bored girl complaining about not getting enough attention. NO

I mean, I’m aware of the fact that my life is not SERIOUSLY bad, but anyways: my parents are divorced, my dad is still a fuckboy. He got used to living alone so he does whatever he wanna do, he goes wherever and whenever, without caring about two daughters’ real problems. What if my mum wants to leave for a weekend and leave my little sister with him? She couldnt because “HE’S GOT PROGRAMS”. FUCK I GOT A PROGRAM TOO: I WANNA GETAWAY FROM HERE RIGHT NOW!

Anyway there we get to the other big problem: MY MUM... She’s been developping anorexia’s mentality since a couple ago, she doesn’t eat (like 1 coffee and half of a zucchini during all day, when she gets really depressed)... Oh, depression... Ya, a single mum with two problematic daughters, a private career (which is falling into pieces) and other shitty problems CAN GET DEPRESSION. It’s easy, though... But the bigger matter is that she denies it and she gets worse everyday ‘cause her situation gets worse (my grandma is sick, one of my mum’s best friends got cancer and she cant sleep because of worrying too much)... And when I told my father, he said I was wrong after she immediately denied.

Ah, my little sister gets mad with me when I tell my mother to eat. She’s like: “stop telling her what to do she’s an adult, she can take care of herself”

FUCK NO SHE CANT STOP SAYING THAT! SHE’D DIE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS! SHE SUFFERS OF HEART RATING PROBLEMS! IF SHE DOESNT EAT AND KEEP GOING THIS HARD ON THINGS SHE WILL DIE! FUCK YOU STUPID TEENAGE GIRL

So I’m under pressure. I’M UNDER PRESSURE OK! MY MOM IS NOT ABLE TO GROW MY SISTER UP LIKE SHE DID WITH ME! SHE DOESN’T GET ANY RULE! I DON’T GET ANY RULE! Ok I’m 18 so I can understand when it’s time to stop a little back but SHE CAN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHEN IT’S TIME TO TIDY UP HER BEDROOM! She never does it cause nobody tells her! Nobody ever told her! And that’s a stupid example.

Ok, so I’m 18 right? And I got no rules ok? Yeah... cool... I can avoid sleeping, eating and going back home and living properly... I got sick for a week this summer and had to stop smoking.. But then I got better and kept smoking and drinking. Yeah maybe it’s not because I got no rules but because I like it and because it’s the only way to have fun and enjoy your time out in this fucking deserted city full of fucking bastards.

Maybe smoking and drinking arent an issue apparently. But what about taking care? That’s the issue. Here nobody teaches you how to take care of yourself.

So I feel like falling down... And it’s a fucking fast fall. And I get fucking blamed for this.

“You don’t help enough. You’re never happy. Everything someone does for you is shit. You always blame others for your faults. Don’t you think that maybe I’m so tired and depressed because of you, do you? You make me worry so much.”

That’s what my mom keeps repeating. And I keep feeling terribly guilty. For what? For being an adolescent and for having my mother tired to death... I’ve always paid attention to other’s feelings and conditions... I can’t help with this.

I CAN’T HELP WITH THIS OK. STOP. SAYING. THAT I AM. A. FUCKING. MESS. ! Cause you know what, mother? I’M NOT! I’M SUPER COOL AND I NEVER DISAPPOINTED YOU! I WAS PERFECT AT SCHOOL, I GOT THE BEST GRADES IN MY CLASS AND EVERY FUCKING TEACHER COMPLIMENTED! WHAT DO YOU WANT? I’M ONLY 18 AND I’VE ALREADY WRITTEN A COUPLE OF BOOKS! I GOT PLANS FOR MY FUTURE!

SO WHAT? I’M DEPRESSED? I SMOKE? I DRINK? I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY BALANCED? I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. NEVER.

IT’S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE CONSTANTLY SAD AND TIRED! ! IT’S NOT MY FAULT.... 

(My mother doesn’t eat at all when I don’t want to eat... I can’t help with this... Sometimes I just cant think about eating...)

AND FUCK YOU NEVER APPRECIATE MY GOOD MOMENTS AND PERIODS! Like when I’m on top, when I feel like I can do everything.... You never get that.... FUCK YOU!

So being in this fragile situation gives me a lot of stress and anxiety... Luckily I finished school so now I can focus on things I like (and even there, when I wanna do things that I like, there are always problems)..

FUCK THIS CITY FUCK PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE FUCK MONEY PROBLEMS FUCK FAMILY FUCK MUM FUCK EVERYBODY I WANNA SET YOU ALL AND MY FUCKING LIFE ON FIRE 

So you’re reading a lot of anger in my words.. Your’re right, but anger is the only true feeling for me... Sometime I imagine really bad things (like tonight I started thinking about me being raped by my ex’s friends... with my ex being there knowing everything) just to check whether I’m still able to feel sorrow or not.

I often imagined my parents dying... Just for curiosity.. So I think about my feelings: how would I feel? How much would I cry? Would I cry??? What about my sister??

And sometimes I can’t answer, like if there was absolutely nothing in my soul...Just darkness and perdition.

I know it sounds so stupid and pathetic but that’s how I currently truly feel.

Lost.

I used to be really sensitive and cry for everything but then I stopped. Now I am just disgusted. DISGUSTED.. By humanity, first of all.

Lost and disgusted: is there any remedy? 

Maybe being high and drunk all tha way. 

I fucking hate this place and wanna go away.. Still have to wait for october for university... but actually I just wanna getaway.

The most important thing for me is living a pleasant life and never regret anything.... This city and this situation and the people surrounding me are making me regret a lot. They are making me live with anxiety etc..

SPLEEN. ok? Maybe spleen is my problem.... That’s all.

Fuck. Thank you guys for reading 

I just want to let you know that if you read all this you’re my super-heroes. 

Thanks, seriously

xx

theechoofadistanttide