#i don't. love how depressed on main i've been i just kinda use tumblr the same way i use a journal and gh

[marshmellowtea]

alright deleted the worst of my venty posts from today sorry about the mess everyone

[kocch]

this is a rambling post no one is gonna read but I GOTTA WRITE IT because i've watched the whole 911 show in the past five months and never really talked about it, so i gotta say some things that are important to me (some might be unpopular opinions idk i don't really know the fandom, i've only checked the tag in the past weeks for s8 and all i can see is mostly annoying fanwars about which ship is better)

my dash could be biased and tumblr itself could be biased for mlm ships BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS SHOW HAS LESBIANS. like. i'm gonna use the few screencaps i posted here on tumblr while i was binge-watching the show buT

they're everything they're the best they're all i've ever wanted and they're not talked about enough, i don't know if it's because they're a wlw ship and they're a BLACK wlw ship or it's just that they're an enstablished couple and all, but damn i wish i saw them more in my dash and here on the freaking gay website because they have given me so many emotions through the seasons and they're SOLID and i just love them so much :( of course i know karen is not always present because it's a procedural show and sometimes the characters disappear for episodes, but they've solidified 911 in my heart . because damn this show is QUEER and it has been queer since day 1

my top faves are chim maddie hen and buck ok i don't make the rules they're the best but I LOVE THEM ALL and i think one of the best things of this show is the found family concept. you just gotta love them all. even if sometimes they have crazy writing moments through the seasons (like when buck tried to sue 118 or when eddie left 118 jfefhrf)

i love LOVE LOVE 911 because of all the feelings, the found family, how inclusive it feels with all the queer storylines and how diverse the main cast is (but also the case-of-the-day cast too... i'm a fan of another procedural like fringe, it was the 2010 and it was the whitest thing ever, (and the production was racist too) things have changed) BUT IT'S still copaganda. athena grant is a lot of copaganda. the two things can coexist i can love her and despise her story at times ok.

i hope we get a great henren/madney storyline in season 8 because (they're literally my faves) they're the best. i kinda wish for chim and maddie to long for a second children, now that they have mara in their lives? I'm not sure, i just know i need more of them. they're literally . so good to me. they've captivated my heart in s2 and they never left. the potential chim and maddie had was so great, but timing, trauma, depression, many things were keeping them apart, and every win felt EARNED. i just think sometimes straights have rights and that's madney's case.

i love buck like anyone in the fandom, but i think part of the craze on tumblr is due to his bisexual storyline and i gotta say... i do enjoy bucktommy. atm they're cute. being silly and in the honeymoon phase. do i ship buddie? i do, there are so many GREAT things through the seasons that make you feel - wow they could be perfect together - but that doesn't mean i will hate on bucktommy for now (yeah, i know, tommy was horrible in the past, yeah he was closeted and repressed, yeah he could have been better, he was racist and homophobic, i know, but i guess he got better since the characters are ok with him? sometimes we'll never get that resolution on screen) (i think all of them had their bad moments as characters, i mean, i could open a whole file about athena being a bad cop and still she's everyone's faves)

getting back to buck i did love his bisexuality storyline and i love him BEING BISEXUAL, it's not about tommy or about eddie or about anyone it's about him being bisexual. in his early 30s. BUT I gotta say, for how writers have written these characters, for me it made so much more sense for eddie to turn out gay than buck having his bi moment (and it's because of the writing). it makes sense for buck to be bisexual because he has always loved women and he's tried to make his relationships work, unlike eddie, but then he found out he also like men. he had soo many queer hints around him and it's just. fitting. i love him to bits. i wish s7 was longer so we could get things a bit slower, the pace was fast but i loved it. AND DAMN buck was jealous of eddie because of tommy? or of tommy because of eddie? I wonder.

i'm not sure 100% they'll go with buddie for now, but maybe it's just i am not an optimistic per se and i wanna see where they go with eddie's personal growth BUT eddie is gay. he gotta be gay. that man only had one love in his life, shannon, and that love is an idea he has. he thinks they had a great love story, but the truth is that they met when they were young, she got pregnant, he ran away from her for years with the military stuff, then he came back and she ran away, then they got together but still she asked for divorce and then she died. he denies her leaving him because of an idea of something that never really existed. even if he loved her, i'm sure he did love her but, it wasn't something perfect or functioning like bathena henren and madney. eddie is a terrible romantic partner (he's a good dad, but a terrible guy to date lbr) and it's because he's gay. i know everyone in the fandom agrees but i gotta write it down ok. when he's forced to date he feels like he has to perform? he self-sabotage all his relationships with women?? his love stories always end because of him? he had panic attack because of committing to ana??? come on ? the marisol storyline?? That shit is insane if he isn't gay

and that's why i'm asking for eddie to come to terms with who HE REALLY IS without christopher in his life. he's not just chris dad. he gotta stop running away. they have the possibility to make a great storyline for him, after several weird seasons for the poor guy. he gotta understand and accept himself and then maybe he'll work out the things with his son. this is one of the most exciting storylines for s8 and i really hope we get it. if we don't we need a PROPER story that makes sense with all of that tbh.

i'm ok with buddie happening in another season tbh i just want eddie to come to terms with his sexuality. i just love good writing and this show has its great moments with characters and that's why i love it, because it has heart. it has incredible characters i love.

i do love bathena and bobby and athena even if it might not be obvious in this post hahah and i wish we could get back may and henry, i miss athena having actually children

[rosyjuly]

@kritischetheologie tagged me for the 20 questions for writers game, thank you c!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

twenty!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

76,628. it's kinda insane that i wrote 51k under just six months last year.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

currently only writing for f1, but i've published works for star wars, peaky blinders, the old guard and batman. on another account that has been liquidated many years ago i had footy rpf and teen wolf fics.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

carry each other (hal jordan/bruce wayne), worked the blade (seb/mick), to the finnish line (seb/charles/kimi), spoils of war (seb/mick) and a favour returned (seb/lewis).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do, unless it only says "please write more of this", because i don't have anything polite to reply. but i love getting replies from authors too, so only fair to return the favor. there are definitely times when i just re-read a bunch of comments and they can really help to lift my mood or feel better about my writing.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

lmao that would be the prince au break up sex fic, someday to say out loud. making george ask alex to tell him he loves him even if it isn't true and ensuring that he can't and won't believe him... partly why it's hard for me to go back to writing prince au is because it was very easy for me to project my unmedicated depression onto george, and (thank god) i'm not in that place anymore.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

mmhh my star wars fic maybe? i'm not overly fond of happy endings, the best i deal out is a hopeful but kinda open ending. out of my f1 fic it's a favour returned, i guess -- there's some talk about longer term commitment and trying and failing to say that they like like each other, or consolation prize, where mick admits twice that he's been thinking about seb.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not in the classical sense i guess or not that i've seen.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

boy do i. i mostly write smut and use it as a catalyst to nudge a relationship to another level. i don't really get the what kind? question. what kinds are there? wholegrain?

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

haven't written one yet, but i've been toying with the idea of an f1 and the expendables crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

if i had a nickel for every time someone pulled entire lines from a fic of mine and barely paraphrased them, i would have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

on my old ao3 account, yes! i haven't been approached on the new one and i don't think i'd give permission now.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

prince au aka the myth of devotion with gabby @prettydangrotten. sorry to be sappy on main but galex truly one of the best things on the internet that's happened to me just for the friends i've made because of them :)))

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

all time? propably stiles/derek or eames/arthur from inception. also it was sterek that first got me to tumblr, back in like 2012 or something.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ugh right now it feels like i'll never finish anything again. but i have a long star wars wip that's like 75% done but i haven't touched for three years. there's a roc sebmick fic i started and i actually know how it should go from start to finish, but i've been struggling with writing this year, so, i don't know.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i've been told the internal struggle/tension that narrator is facing is pretty tight and i do agree :) i also think the porn i write is nicely physical and pretty hot.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

longfic. like. i wish i could do it -- i had a 54k wip on my old ao3 account -- but i don't have the energy or the commitment. this is also why i struggle with WTB and SOW -- i want to write more to both but i feel like they are snappy and valuable as they are and i'm worried i'll ruin that if i add more.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

english isn't my first langauge so all dialogue is in another language in fic for me. i'm not super fond of adding another language on top pf that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

teen wolf!

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

spoils of war or prince au. prince au has probably the most of me and gabby is incredible and one of the best writers and kindest persons i know and i feel incredibly fortunate to have created something with her. spoils of war was a challenge on a lot of fronts but i'm proud of the storyline and it has some of the best lines i have ever written i think. and it got @antimonyandthyme and me very close :))

aaaand i'm gonna tag @prettydangrotten @des-iderate @grideon @antimonyandthyme and @husbono.

[the-only-me-is-me]

@koskela-knights replied to your post “Probably an unpopular opinion but here we go: I...”:

@koskela-knights There's a steady decline in fanart/fic/ overall fan content on Tumblr and the main focus often seems to be Alan/Scratch/Zane, Casey used to have a lot of works dedicated to him too but Saga and many other characters often fall behind those first 4 characters and honestly it's a shame. Can't help but notice Remedy kinda mirrors the fans in that they often share more Alan related art on Insta/Twitter and barely any Saga art. It's not like art for her is non-existent, but sadly disproportionately less :/

​You make a good point, those are the top characters and based on checking out older stiff it's been that way for awhile. Remedy does tend to gravitate to fandom favorites and while I can't blame them to a degree because it increases engagement it leaves people fans of other characters with little to nothing. And honestly? It's depressing to see them not advocate more for the dual protagonist but let me be careful when saying that. It's not me accusing them or anything or saying anything about how they feel about Saga or the actress. They have proven they've gone to great lengths to create/write Saga and collaborated with Melanie to create her. The few BTS stuff they have with her seems very pleasant and there's an open window for people looking for it. Remedy has always been progressive in that sense. I still remember when the loser crowd on twitter made a big deal about Saga's mindplace during endgame when she said the "another white man trying to tell me what to do" when AW1 has another line just like that and ironically in the same context, in the mind of Alan instead but Alice vocalizing it. His thought of how she felt anyway but he was aware enough to know the privilege he had. So, any criticisms I've making isn't against Remedy as a developer or their values or process.

If I said anything wrong anyone is open to correct me too or add or anything, I don't mind. Saga is not the only victim of being neglected in terms of characters but wow I really feel it because of her role and how important she is to the narrative. It really is a huge, disproportionate gap that I do wish was spoken about more. Or even better, addressed by the fandom acknowledging this and respond accordingly. I plan to contribute too. I am not good at making content but I want to try if it means Saga can have one more source of fan content.

I have to say to those who already do love Saga and make content of any kind, thank you and sorry if I seemed ungrateful to your efforts in my initial post.

[roloko-karlstein]

To the anon who wanted my opinions about Code Geass Roze. The truth is I've been going through a lot of depression and I don't have the heart to marathon it I only watched up to episode 5. Its kinda hard to explain I can't watch certain things when I do not know how it will play out cause I don't think I could take any more upsets at times like this. Especially Code Geass which I really love.

I'm just not posting much cause Code Geass is one of my main tags and I don't want to spoilers so I decided only to use tumblr when I want to reblog from my other fandoms.

Don't worry I am not going anywhere ya'll and when I am ready to slowly finish Roze I'll post my thoughts here!

[idle-starship]

A Serious Update

TW // Vent; mentions of suicide, death, and violence against trans people; overall a bummer to read.

I'm aware this is not my usual style of posting, at least on Tumblr, but I just want to give an update on where I am now regarding my life and how that could affect my stories and this blog. I apologize if this post gets a tad bit vent-y. I also apologize for not posting regularly as of late. In fact, I may not be able to keep up with once a day posts and updates about my stories, at least not right now.

I'm sure many of you are aware of the current situation in America; many anti-transgender bills are being passed, and our community is facing the threat of genocide. I don't use this term lightly. We are currently in stage 7 out of 10.

As you can imagine this has affected my mental (and possibly my physical) health severely. I can tell I've slipped into a crisis mode mindset. Or maybe it's called survival mode? I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter. I'm scared for my life.

It's my dream to share my stories and characters with the world, and my biggest fear is that my life will be cut short before I can do that. I've cried my eyes out at the thought that these characters will die with me. I know that it's silly and kinda depressing to value my life around my creations, but if it weren't for these characters I don't think I would still be here. Honestly. These silly little characters have gotten me through so much, and I've come to love them as if they were my close friends.

The fact that my dream could be shot down just because I'm trans is... It's something that I've grappled with before, but never like this. It's soul-crushing.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that we're in the middle of a fucking crisis. I don't have the time or energy to keep up with this blog on a regular basis, and I'm dropping the whole "one story a week" system I had, at least for now. I will be posting when I can and when I feel like it.

But I do still want to post here. Like I said, I want to share my stories before I die. And if that means info-dumping on Tumblr before I get hate-crimed or die by suicide (which I have no intention of doing), then... well, it's not what I hoped for, but it's better than nothing.

The future looks bleak, but I want to keep creating for as long as I can. All I want to do is make people smile.

Anyway, I should probably end on a happy note. I've got a new hyperfixation on Trigun Stampede, so that's pretty fun! Most of my creative energy the past week or so has actually gone into a Vash x Reader fanfiction, which I will be posting the first chapter of tonight on AO3! This franchise has been a great way to keep my mind off things, and I'm very grateful to have something to turn to for a quick lil dose of serotonin. Also, my Birthday is in a couple days! I'll be turning 19! I'm also planning on making an animatic featuring me and my main OC Dash for the occasion, although I doubt I'll be able to finish it in time for my birthday, but that's ok!

Alright, I'm gonna go publish that fic now. Take care everyone, love y'all 🫶

[castielcommunism]

this is confession anon again, just wanna say YES to everything you've said, I think my point probably got across poorly because I have a fever and my brain is not on it. it being a win is entirely because I remember how toxic and homophobic this place was back then, and how difficult it was to come to terms with being queer when there was such an abundance of animosity (even if you avoided the actors, it really radiated across fandom in a very unpleasant way). I've never been able to watch the confession in its entirety more than twice and the only reason I feel I kinda warmed to it is because of the fandom content it generated and having that "oh my god, this happened" realisation (timing of the pandemic also cannot be underestimated, I was deep in my own mental illness and was in such a bad place and fandom really brought so much joy to me all because of this shit confession), but I've been a cas girl for a decade and it. Stings. Like you say, it makes no sense and it feels undeserved narratively speaking, and it does a huge disservice to cas and his character, because like you say, it's not even about him? You're telling me he's gonna get killed off and never shown again and not only is he never gonna get told someone loves him or that he's important or that he was more than how he could help, you're gonna make his final moments of the show all. about. Dean. And I KNOW this is controversial and I really don't blame anyone for finding the confession healing or nice or whatever, but even as a textually queer love confession it is so oddly palatable for that I'm-not-homophobic-but-gay-sex-makes-me-uncomfortable crowd. It's in just saying it? Biggest happiness is coming out? I know berens is gay but god. I don't want to downplay the relief and joy and happiness coming out can bring someone, but surely so much of that comes from being able to DO things and LIVE and be WITH PEOPLE. Why should he act happy and grateful when he knows he's gonna die? The person he has spent twelve years loving from afar is finally gonna see him without the enforced distance and he's gonna die and it's unfair and tragic and maybe he allows himself to be happy, but it should be angry and bittersweet too. Alleyway scene vibes should have been it!!! (sorry I don't mean to rant and I'm not sure if I'm coming across like a complete idiot, I just. have so many thoughts and feelings about this)

Isolating a few points from this ask:

re: pandemic stuff - the confession was literally the perfect storm of bullshit like it literally could not have hit at a better time. one of the most depressing and soul crushing US elections in recent memory paired with the terror of the first year of the pandemic, and then you have supernatural do the most homophobic gay rep of a main character you could possibly ask for. like it really was a such a good time that I’m genuinely glad it was that terrible, if only for the funniest 48 hours I’ve ever spent on tumblr.

re this part:

And I KNOW this is controversial and I really don't blame anyone for finding the confession healing or nice or whatever, but even as a textually queer love confession it is so oddly palatable for that I'm-not-homophobic-but-gay-sex-makes-me-uncomfortable crowd. It's in just saying it? Biggest happiness is coming out?

I’m of two minds about this. one of the one hand, yes, this was the most homophobic & vague way of delivering a gay love confession. “It’s in just saying it” is Cas just settling for acknowledging his feelings. Not having them be reciprocated, not actually experiencing the good parts of coming out (living life authentically as yourself), just like, saying them to someone, which is imo the worst fucking part of coming out. Who gives a shit what people say! That’s not the fun part! I fucking hate that part! I know peoples’ experiences with coming out differ but jesus dude. this is theeeeee most bs nonsense non-rep rep ever. it’s NOT in just saying it, it should be in living it!

on the OTHER hand, I find that most people saying they thought the confession was just Cas reiterating that he and Dean were super duper BFFs or whatever to be wilfully obtuse and operating in bad faith. if it goes over the heads of some conservative dads watching it then like fine whatever, but if you’re aware that gay people exist then I find it laughable that anybody would interpret the confession as anything other than what it was, which was a confession of romantic love. Anybody who does one of those cutesy “I just thought it was an expression of friendship!” is being deliberately malicious and obtuse, which I’ve seen mainly from anti-destiel people. And like just be honest and say you hate it bro! It’s super easy! I do it all the time! To deny its clear romantic intent is a pussy position to take and I don’t want to give those people any sort of credit just because the writers were trying to have their cake and eat it too vis a vis The Destiel Debate.

And to synthesise these points, I think that’s exactly what they were going for, which is what you said - plausible deniability with the conservative dad crowd (who inexplicably still watch this show for some reason?) while also appealing to the gays who watch the show. It’s a pretty good sleight of hand, especially because it’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN LMAO. Why make Castiel Supernatural gay if you’re not actually gonna address the fact that he’s gay and in love with the main character of the show, whose final and ONLY emotional reaction to this confession was to sob violently on the floor for hours after Cas was perma-killed.

Anyway yeah largely agree. It’s a “win” in that we have textual confirmation of something that was a long time coming and very dear to a lot of people, and a loss in the sense that it was done in the most ridiculous, homophobic, and terminally depressing way possible. But at least the posts were good!

[micah-xiii]

a life update. (t.w. mental health, body dysmorphia)

i haven't posted anything on here in a minute. not sure if imma be posting frequently on here but in the meantime, i guess i can tell you all where i've been since i've been gone:

i'm 23 now. still kinda blows my mind how time just goes by so fast haha.

i work in retail now after 5 years of working in fast food (thank god lmao). i swear, i thought i was gonna be working in fast food for the rest of my life but finally, i found an opportunity where i'm actually working with the right people and that i'm being treated like a human being there???

i go by he/they pronouns and it took me awhile to be comfortable with that change tbh. the main reason why i wanted to make that change was bc i just see myself as a human being and that's it. i always hated it whenever i feel the pressure of being a certain way in order to be called 'a man' even though i feel comfortable with my male counterparts but at the end of the day, i'm just micah. and that should be that imo haha.

i'm FINALLY coming out with a debut EP under the name Micah XIII which is super exciting for me! it's called 'Time of Day' and the lead single for the EP is out and it would rly mean a lot if u guys share it and listen to it. here's the pre-order link for the EP and here's the link where you can stream the lead single on anywhere u stream ur music :) it's about my personal struggles including lack of self-worth, imposter syndrome, and my lack of trust within people while also talking about romance every now and then. I'm super proud of this project and I hope that this can relate to you guys and that you enjoy this project once it comes out!

i'm getting back into gaming!! i finally got my first ever custom PC built that I've set up with the help of my family and I'm so glad I finally get to play all the games I've wanted to try for the longest time. i've been playing a lot of overwatch and i have never been so obsessed with a game in a long time (and if ur curious, sojourn is my main lol). i also have been playing a lot of valorant and honestly, it's so annoying trying to level up like i'm trying to get fade in hopes i can make her my main but like it rly do be hard out here lmao.

i've been a LOT better mentally. like, a LOT. when i first started using tumblr, i was so depressed and insecure. i would always vent about wanting to be in a relationship so bad, how i feel like i don't amount to anyone or anything, and that I will always be stagnant in life. and now that i've been taking my mental health more seriously, i've made some life changes that i'm honestly pretty proud of.

i've been going to the gym for a year and 7-8 months so that i can feel more comfortable with my body and to put more focus on my physical health (and my mental health, of course).

i've also been going to therapy!!! i was talking to one therapist during the beginning of 2021 for about a year and then he had to leave since he was going to study abroad and since then, i've been seeing a different therapist and i like him a lot more if i have to be quite honest haha. i feel like he's very interactive and i also like his personality a lot more and also asks really interesting questions no matter how many tangents I get into.

i've also took a step back in venting to people as well as interacting with artists within the music space since it was a very huge habit of me to vent and tr*uma dump without asking the other person if it's okay which i've definitely learned over time for sure.

do i still have bad days? hell yeah, of course. who doesn't? but i'm very grateful i'm at a point in my life where i can take a step back and realize that it isn't the end of the world since i've been in these situations before. i never would have thought i'd be in a place where i've gained such clarity in my life and i'm so glad i've grown since then. i'm super excited for what's to come in the future and i hope to share more content (maybe even more music haha) with you guys in the near future ;)

with love: - XIII