#i don't think this got enough credit for being literally one of the coolest things to happen in music in a while

[gremlingottoosilly]

Cabin in the woods (yan!slasher!Konig x fem!Reader x yan!slasher!Horangi) part 2

You listen to the story about those woods. Turns out, real life is way, way nastier than any of those stories. Don't lose your head.

TW for the chapter: Blood, gore, dead bodies, slut shaming(usage of outdated horror tropes), knife play, blood play, mentions of STDs

— Do you know what animal is this? 

The body of a small creature – rodent, probably, you don’t think there could be any other animals around – was lying on the road near the place you decided to stay for the night. The “Coolest fucking thing in the world that is also just a few hours from here” was still a few hours from here because it was fucking dark and you already left your car on the sidewalk, hoping no one would steal it because honestly, why would anyone need this pile of burning crap. 

— According to the “Basic Bestiary of Austrian Animals” it might be an extremely rare Austrian Marmont.

You fucking hated Max. Mostly because his form of being different was “being an intelligent asshole” and also because he would never forget to rub the fact you were behind him in the grades into your face. 

— Waaaaaaait, a mamont? But it’s small! You have to give Karen – blonde, tan, tall, straight C everywhere except for her chest (then it would be D everywhere) – credit. As adorably silly as she was, she was still the only person you could have a meaningful conversation with. Except for the times when she was fucking your boyfriends. Or when she forgot that you don’t have a boyfriend so he doesn’t need to fuck random people just to spite you.

— Perhaps, if we are extremely lucky, a European edible dormouse, also known as…

— Fuuuuuck, people eat this thing? Yuck! Austria is like, literally the worst country EVER!

You feel like every second of this conversation, even though you are just listening to it, is going to take 10 years from your life span. You never knew why the two got together – maybe because Max loved fucking someone dumber than he is, and Gretchen loved placing the responsibility for her actions on her beloved sociopathic boyfriend. 

You wanted to say that this was literally a fucking squirrel, but you know better. Not like anyone is going to listen anyway. 

You get to the supposed location a few hours – already deep in the night, everything that you hate about forests – unkept environment, horrible living conditions, mosquitos, and occasionally wild animals are making you squirm each time your butt switches the place and you involuntarily sit on the cold, damp ground. You lick your lips, trying to adjust in the position in front of the fire. Fire that you probably shouldn’t be making in the middle of the private territory, but Chad said the place belongs to some weird hillbillies who wouldn’t care about a bunch of college grads having fun. 

You just finished the last of your coke – mixed with cheap whiskey and rum you got back at home, you feel just buzzy and fuzzy and relaxed enough to at least try to engage with people around you. Just didn’t want to make Jenny embarrassed – she was the one to vouch for you, even though you didn’t want to go camping with them. 

— I heard there is something happening in these woods. 

Everyone around you groans and you comply, groaning too. Chad has the worst storytelling voice and even Marty – the resident stoner of the group – is visibly unhappy about having to listen to his dumb jokes. Brace yourself for at least twenty minutes of dumb story with a cheap attempt to scare you. 

— You talk like those locals. What can be here except for drunkards? 

— Very fucking funny, Marty, I hope you laugh at people’s death too. 

Everyone groans again. 

— Shut up and let me finish! So, there is something hiding in those woods…legends…

— What legends? This place was built like 20 years ago. 

— Shut the fuck up, Max! It’s the legends before the town even was built. In those very forests…

— Forests? I thought it was like, just a suburban area. 

— It’s wild Austrian woods, why I would put you to adventure in the fucking suburbs? 

— You’re a suburb baby. 

— Shut it! God, I hate you guys. Alright, so���these woods are populated with…creatures. 

— Ooooh, like the mammoth we saw! 

— Karen, seriously, what the fuck? These woods are filled with motherfucking human-eating killers, not just some animals! 

— Then why do you say “creatures”? — Because it makes for a good fucking story! God, everyone, this is why none of you are studying creative writing! 

— Only your parents have money to pay for it. 

— This is why you all are fucking losers. Alright…god, I hate you. People went missing in these woods. Mostly tourists, never the local population – this is why police don’t care about it. Bodies were found, half-eaten, rotting under that very tree! 

— Which tree? There are like 10 of them just here. 

— More like 100. 

— Under every fucking tree! — That’s a lot of bodies. 

Chad groans, visibly aggressive. You just tilt your head to the side, only talking to him once before taking the last sip of your Coke and standing from your place. You wanted to take a chance to see those woods before you’d be going even deeper the next night – Chad was planning quite an adventure in the wilderness, to your dismay, and you wanted to have a chance to see the cool part of nature before you would grow tired of it. 

To your surprise, Karen was nowhere to be seen. Knowing the girl, she is far too innocent and dumb to be here – probably ran away to not listen to scary stories or got lost while trying to find a good place to pee. You sigh, feeling that it is your responsibility to pick her up – she is Marty’s girlfriend, but he is too stoned out to notice her disappearance yet. 

You stumble on your foot – alcohol makes you dizzy, makes you relaxed and smiley. You don’t even care that no one came to ask what the fuck you are doing – as far as you aware, they all can go and fuck themselves while you have a lot more fun things to do. Like searching for a drunk girl in the forest in the middle of the night…yeah, you really should work on your definition of fun. 

You already a good few minutes into the forest. Nothing but trees, not even a squirrel or a wolf pocking around to feast on yummy bodies. Not like you wanted to see a wolf, of course, but meeting with the wild life could be fun. You’d like to see a bear, for example. 

(And you will – just a bit later) 

— Karen? Karen, are you alright? You decide to scream for her once you are far enough from your friends that they won’t question why you are so concerned for her. Poor girl was obviously scared and you didn’t want to embarrass her even further, so you stroll through the woods, an empty bottle of coke in your hand – not sure why you didn’t threw it away. Littering isn’t nice, after all. 

— Karen? You’re scaring everyone, come out! 

You scream some more – she is probably lost, deep enough that she can’t even hear you. You try not to panic, try to be the reasonable friend – it’s usually Jenny’s task but here you are, trying to be the cool one of your friend group. You yell for Karen some more, listening closely to every little sound that could be easily taken as her whimper or cry for help. 

Nothing. 

Just how far can a scared drunk girl go? Probably not further away than you – you’re already starting to get tired and you knew that Sidhey got far drunker than you are. Which means she could lay here, somewhere, passed from the exhaustion, freezing, with forest animals feasting on her…no, no, you can’t think like that. She is fine, she has to be, or you are going to get into so much trouble with the police and her parents. You never told any of your families about the trip, so you wouldn’t want to get in trouble what ould require their assistance. 

You take a step into deeper part of the forest – and you think you saw a glimpse of…something. Metal, probably, might be her phone or that atrociour hair dye she is using to stop everyone from calling her a mouse. You also think you could hear a sound of someone breathing – heavily, gruffly, definitely a male, but you don’t really know how. You squint, trying to see through the trees. 

You see Karen. 

— Karen? God, you scared everyone…well, me. Where the fuck have you been? 

You smile and wave at her, your drunken state isn’t allowing you to see that, for some weird reason, she isn’t waving back. Or moving, so to speak. She stared at you with that terrified expression of hers and you tilt your head to the side, not udneratanding why is she like that. Something happened between her and others? 

You take another step back and Karen falls. 

Well…her head falls, anyway. 

There are a lot of feelings right now. Panic, panic, panic, a little bit of panic and, oh, who could have guessed, another riel of panic which makes you freak the fuck out and sprint – towards her. Maybe she will be alive if you could put her head back on her neck really-really fast? 

— Is it too late to convince you this is all a dream? 

The voice. 

You don’t recognize it – it’s distorted and quiet under the mask and you don’t know anyone int his fucking place anyways. The voice is weirdly happy, weirdly laughing and you want to vomit from how easy-going it sounds. Like the corpse of your beheaded friend is nothing, like it’s a fun pun, like…

You laungh forward, trying to, maybe, get revenge on your not-really-a-friend. Guy lets go of Karen’s body, allowing it to fall down, her head rolling to the nearest creek and tumbling into the water like a sports ball. You can’t even sob – the situation feels too unreal, too shocking, you are still very much drunk and when the guy simply wraps his hands around your waist, not allowing you to move even an inch, you fall limp in his hold. 

You sob. 

His hand goes to grasp your face in a tight embrace, making you gag from the smell of blood splattered all across his hand. You hear chuckle. 

— Didn’t want you to see that first. Wanted to play hero, yes? 

You sob, you tremble, you can barely master a few words out of your mouth. You want to scream, but it’s like all the air just decided to disappear from your lungs. So, you cry instead. How brave of you, Karen would be so proud of her friend not even trying to avenge her death. 

— F…fuck…you. 

You master with all you strength. Guy is laughing again – his other hand goes to squeeze your waist even more, pushing you against a tree. He wears a full mask with some red drawings on it – a satanic cult, really? You thought about serial killer, maybe, but definetly not about crazy cult maniacs running around. The more you know. 

— Oh, kitten, I’d love to fuck myself. But you’re here for this, no? 

He called you kitten – you squirm in his grasp, not wanting to give him the easy way to kill you. Something pokes you to the side – it’s a knife. Large, sharp, military-issued, you saw it in movie and action TV shows – and now the bloody razor almost grazing over your skin, through the thing fabric of your open jacter and a simple T-shirt. 

— Wh…who are you? 

Stpuid question, really. 

— Why does everyone wants to ask who we are all the time? Would you die happier knowing my name? Would it help you escape knowing how many beauty marks I have?

It would certainly help the police if you were to survive the encounter. Even though you are certainly going to die right next to Karen over there. 

He pushes a knife towards your side, the blade cutting through fabric easily, You brace yourself for being gutted alive. 

— I don’t like stupid questions. Ask something wrong and I will see if you are as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside. 

In a normal situation, you would punch him for such a corny joke. But you’re too drunk for this, but you’re too exhausted for this, but you just want to curl away in some nice place and fucking die, but not because he was the one to kill you. You certainly do not want to give him the satisfaction of being the one for you. 

So, you feel your cheeks heating up with the faintest of blushes. 

— What are you going to do with me?

He pushes the knife deeper, sharp edge cutting the thin line into your side. You sob immediately, tears filling your eyes as you almost feel blood – not a lot of it, just a tiny sharp streak – fill your shirt. You want to vomit, hate pain, and everything that is related to it. Thinking that the knife is dirty already and he would probably infect you with whatever one of the 13 STDs Karen has if he were to proceed. He stops right before the blade can penetrate your skin. 

— I’m a serial killer. What do you think I will do with you? 

You shake your head, trying to search for the question that won’t make him plunge a knife into your body. 

— W…what is your favorite color? 

Good job. Amazing job. Let’s hope you don’t like your liver all that much because he is definitely going to cut it out and eat it. 

— Red. I like you. 

Suddenly, you are being pushed to your knees. Suddenly, he is standing right in front of you – he is tall, of course, bulky and big, and he seems even bigger from this angle. Your face is pressed against his crotch and you can feel the dread slowly filling up your weins. Is he going to…

He presses a knife against your lips – you part it obediently, nervously, you feel your face twitching with disgust as your mouth immediately fills with the metallic taste of Karen’s blood. You really need to vomit right fucking now, but he is petting your head with his other hand like someone would do to a dog or a cat, and you sob. Too scared to do anything and here you thought you would finally stop letting people walk all over you. You thought it would start a journey of self-actualization and finding your own priorities, but…

He presses the knife a bit deeper. 

— Someone here has manners. Your friend here was trying to fuck me until she saw a knife. 

Sounds like Karen. You still remember her fucked-out face when she happily stumbled out of your room, with your boyfriend that you thought was never into cheerleaders. She had her urges and it was normal until she started to get off with those urges on everyone who liked you, or who you liked – and with such an innocent smile that no one was ever mad at her. 

He presses the knife against your upper jaw, laying it flat on your tongue – you sob, trying not to shake your head too much as he wipes away your tears and pushes your throat even deeper on the blade. You don’t know how it still hasn’t penetrated you yet. 

— Squealed like a fucking pig, not even fun anymore. I assume she was the whore of your group? 

You shook your shoulders, not wanting to give him any answers. He laughs, pressing the blade down and slightly turning it to the side. You feel the string of saliva running from your open mouth – he wipes it with his finger, leaving blood stains on your face. 

— Clean the knife for me, okay? I might leave you live if you would be good for us. You launch onto the opportunity to save your life so quickly, that you don’t even register the word “us” slipping from his tongue. 

You suck the knife obediently, carefully holding your tongue from the sharp edge so you won’t cut yourself, trying so desperately not to hurt yourself on the blade, that it’s almost adorable, He looks at you, the way you even fucking hollow your cheeks to clean it more efficiently, like you were sucking a cock and, with every passing second, he doesn’t really feel like killing you anymore. 

He feels like keeping you bound to him – maybe cutting your ankles so you would never run away from them, maybe tying you up to the body of your friend and holstering you both to the house, making you watch him gut Karen so you’d know not to run away from them. 

He pets your head like you were a cat – and, god, he always adored cats. 

You hear the noises from the side – your gaze darts to the nearest bushes as the guy waves his hand to someone gigantic sitting down at your side. Two pair of hands are now petting your head like you were a fucking animal – and you’re still sucking on his knife, feeling the pressure on your lips. You want to die, but there is no choice but to keep living. 

— Scheisse, what do you have here? 

A hand goes to cup your face and turns you to the side, to meet the giant, bulky figure fully wrapped in camo gear. His face is concealed with some sort of hood, which makes you shake even more. They both look like soldiers – or soldier-cultist-butchers from a horror movie. But, then again, you are in the fucking horror movie, since the big guy has Karen’s head in his hand, holding her by the hair. You sob even more. 

— Stumbled across me as I was gutting the slut. 

— Is she a smart one then? 

The guy with the knife laughs, yanking the blade from your mouth. You want to close it immediately, but the second guy pushes his finger between your lips, keeping them apart – and you are too scared to even try to bite him. Instead, you sit here, obediently, feeling the alcohol in your system working its magic. Again. Making you drowsy and relaxed, panic drained so much energy from your body, that you genuinely feel horrible. 

— No, wouldn’t say so. Obedient, more like. 

— Not a cool one either. Are you a virgin, Schatz? 

You want to lie, just so you won’t feel so fucking embarrassed because of it – but something in the brutality of what they did to Karen made you reconsider. You just shake your shoulders, not wanting to give a definitive answer. 

— Cute. Been some time since we saw a cute one like this. 

Your sobbing intensifies and the big guy suddenly yanks you on your feet. You immediately feel ill, pressing your head against the tree and emptying your insides – mostly because of the panic and partly because of the amount of alcohol you drank. Their touches are surprisingly soft on your skin, gently removing any stray hairs from your face and holding a firm hand on your back, rubbing the blood and grim into your jacket. 

You stand like this for a few minutes, choking on your own tears, vomit, and blood. They coo at you, gentle hands on your body guiding you towards them just so the second guy – a smaller one, relatively of course – could get a hand in your hair and yank it back. Hard. 

— Calm the fuck down. 

— You’re scaring her, Tigeren. 

— Aren’t we here for this? 

— Thought you liked this one. 

— I do. But…

— But? 

— Not fun to take her just now. She can help stir her friends a little. Make them run a little. 

They fucking killed Karen and they want to…let you go? They made you clean their knives, stand on your knees in front of them, and then gently helped you empty your insides – just to let you go when you could run into the nearest policeman and destroy their whole little game? Are they dumb or overly confident? 

— She could run. I would rather keep her with us. 

— They won’t get out of these forests without phones. And their car is already…shit. Spoilers. 

— Alright. But I would be the first to take her next time. 

— She won’t be any good after you, Ko. 

— Our Kleine Hase has more than one hole, ja? 

This is it. 

You take the opportunity – they are distracted by their little conversation, so you duck under the hand of the bigger man and run in the close direction to where the group is sitting. You are covered in blood, and dirt, you shake like crazy and you can barely even run straight without getting right into the various trees, but you don’t care. You aren’t strong enough to sit here and listen to their conversation – not when the self-preservation makes you forget about Karen. Not when that feeling in your chest can only be described as “She got what she asked for” – because she was a bitch, but not nearly enough to deserve being beheaded by two psychos. 

They laugh as they watch you run. Horangi smiles, nudging Konig to the side – you’re not a fighter, but still interesting enough. Adorable and obedient, just vile enough to suck on the same knife that killed your friend – interesting mix, to say the least. Hongjin always wanted a cat, but never got the time on the various deployments – and you behave like a perfect mix of a kitten and bunny. 

Konig tilts his head to the side, watching you, this pathetic little thing, run like the devil was after you. He was, of course. and he came in double, but it was still funny, how a city girl like you seriously thought you would be able to get away if they weren’t allowing you to. You’re cute, for a tourist, and he wants to hunt you some more – perfect foreplay before destroying you with either his cock or his knife. 

One down – and both of them couldn’t wait to finally get to you. 

[ooops-i-arted]

I am so tired of Ahsoka!

She wasn't needed and now she is literally everywhere. I go on on any social media and serach for Prequel Trilogy stuff and I can't go 1 minute without seeing something about her, when she wasn't even in the films. I honestly am so mad that I wasn't part of the fandom before Ahsoka was created because she kinda becomes "the most important person for Anakin (fuck you Obi-Wan and Padme)".

It's a bit sad since she could have been a cool character. Just make her master someone else and don't make her the most special and powerful Jedi. And if they wanted to make her a padawan of a "special" master than maybe introduce a new Jedi who idk maybe left the Jedi Order long ago and now they return because of the Clone Wars. This would mean that: a) Ahsoka still has a "special" master b) because she is trained by a master who only recently returned to the order she has training different than any other padawan c)due to her master she has controversial opinions on some Jedi customs. This could be a good point of conflict for her character (do I listen to my master or the Order) and also doesn't make unnecessary changes in the story of film characters (Anakin, Padme, Obi-Wan and others).

Honestly, I think that when you do a serial for a beloved film you should ensure that the characters you fit with what the films tell us. The Jedi Council didn't want to make Anakin a master, so why would they give him a padawan. As ignorant as they could sometimes be, I think that connecting "Anakin is not mature enough to be master" with "Anakin is not mature enough to have a padawan". It's really something I think they would notice.

I 👏 HAVE 👏 BEEN 👏 SAYING 👏 THIS 👏 FOR 👏 YEARS 👏

She is COMPLETELY unnecessary to Anakin's story and always was. Every story beat she supposedly fulfills is already fulfilled by another character. I kinda wonder if it was an attempt at whitewashing Anakin's character (Lucas was involved in TCW and apparently wanting Anakin to be more appealing from what I heard, and this was back when the prequels and Hayden were NOT as loved as they were now because my generation wasn't as huge a fandom voice as the old OT-loving guard) and making him more appealing but no. Anakin is a human garbage can and that's what makes him such a compelling and interesting character!!!

I honestly would probably be a huge Ahsoka stan if TCW was envisioned as its own thing and focused on her as a character on her own instead of making her Anakin's Most Specialest Beloved Padawan Who Is Best At Everything (She Can Even Fight Grievous omg!!!). Back then we were so starved for female characters, we had Leia and some Padme mainstream but that was it (you only knew about Mara Jade in Legends and she wasn't in the mainstream merch or anything from what I recall), and much as I love a good dies-of-sadness joke, Padme is often simplified to that and shoved aside even though she's a really cool and complicated character in her own right. I will give Ahsoka credit for blazing the way for female characters to be more included in Star Wars, but it falls flat when she's just propped up as Coolest Wisest Bestest Jedi-but-not-a-Jedi-actually-she's-better-than-the-Order Girlboss. Now we're back to Only One Female Character Above All Others. (Rey and Rose were ruined with bad writing, Hera and Sabine are wonderful but definitely not mainstream (and probably being butchered in the show), Gina Carano ruined our chances of any more Cara content, Peli was just a cameo last season, and Bo-Karen also got the Always Right Beloved TCW Girlboss Treatment.)

Imo the Council was pretty much always on the money with Anakin (at least with what they knew of him - they didn't know of the Tusken murder spree for example) and there's no way Anakin was ever ready for a Padawan or that anyone in their right mind would give him one. In MY episode III fanfiction when Favored Main Character Got A Padawan, Obi-Wan got the Padawan because he had more experience teaching, even at 12 I knew Anakin had no business teaching anyone. Also, it was NEVER previously canon that Padawans were assigned. Masters chose them as in the Jedi Apprentice series. I will NEVER let that go. Ahsoka being assigned to Anakin was so contrived.

[imhereformr]

Saw this. Thought it seemed fun to share the opinions I have that none of you asked for. I'd credit the original creator of it, but I found like 5 people claiming it's theirs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Favourite character: Musa

I feel like this one needs little explaining.

She's been my favourite since I was 9/10 (which, yes, was in 2004 when the show first came out). I'm pretty sure Musa had a major influence on my current taste in women (that is, dark haired tomboys)

Least favourite character: Faragonda

I've got issues with this shady bitch. She acts like she's all for helping her students and then turns around and keeps major secrets from them. Not to mention she sends teenagers on death missions (Saladin gets a pass on this cause that's literally what his students are at Red Fountain to do and Griffin doesn't do it cause she's a queen).

All in all, fuck this woman and her fake-ass grandma attitude.

Favourite villain: Darcy

Yes, specifically Darcy. Stormy is close behind, but I just don't like Icy enough for the trix as a whole to be my favourite.

Darcy not only has, by far, the coolest powers on this show but she's also the most interesting villain. Whereas all the other villains are obviously in it for power or for fun (looking at you, Stormy), it seems like Darcy isn't quite as set on power. She's putting in the effort, but I feel like, if it weren't for Icy (mostly) and Stormy, she would never have seeked out that power.

But also her character design is beautiful. I mean, the 70s aesthetic… amazing.

Least favourite villain: Tritannus

I just really don’t like looking at him.

Also I feel like his story is weak af. Just give him some land (water?) to be duke of or something.

Also also that Tritannus/Icy thing 🤢

Most overrated: Flora

BEFORE YOU SEND ME ANGRY MESSAGES: I do not HATE Flora.

I just don’t understand why people love her so much. I just don't think she’s interesting enough. Canon Flora is boring. She has no spice. All of her flavour comes from what the fans have made of her.

Fanon Flora, love her dearly. Canon Flora, equivalent to flour (heh, get it? Flour, Flower).

Most underrated: Timmy

A king.

This man does not get the love and appreciation he deserves. Not only is he brilliant, he is also adorably nerdy, he is kind, he is loyal, he is patient, he is a god-tier boyfriend, he is a lovable and honest friend. 

TLDR: He is too good and pure for this world.

If you dislike this man, kindly remove yourself from my page. That shit will not be tolerated. This is a no Timmy slander area.

Favourite season: Season 2

This season holds both some of my least favourite episodes as well as my most favourites. We’ve got an interesting relationship, me and season 2.

That being said, it holds a special place in my heart. Mainly because of the Musa/Riven development, but also the addition of Aisha.

Least Favourite season: Season 5

I only picked season 5 because i don’t think ive ever seen season 6 or 7 fully. I’ve seen parts of season 6 (the ones that pertained to Musa and Riven), but I don’t think that’s enough for me to judge it properly.

Season 5 is just bad all around: mediocre villain, juvenile, probably some bad Bloom/Sky drama that I blocked from memory, that infuriating episode where they forced Tecna and Timmy to go on a irl date, that stupid ass plot where Musa thought Riven was cheating on her, the fucking ridiculous Helia/Flora/Krystal drama.

Favourite fairy form: Enchantix

Beautiful. Classic. Ethereal.

Least favourite fairy form: Sirenix

The Sirenix song, an absolute bop. Sirenix itself, hard no. It’s just… 🤮🤮

Now, again, I am not considering season 6 and 7 as I haven’t seen them properly. Butterflix is a strong contender for least favourite, though.

Favourite episode: Season 2 Episode 15 – The Show Must Go On (Magic in My Heart in 4kids)

Musa performing for the first time in the show. Musa and her dad starting to work on their relationship. Riven putting himself out of his comfort zone for Musa. It’s beautiful 🥲🥲🥲

Least favourite episode: Season2 Episode 9 – Professor Avalon’s Secret (The Angel of Doom in 4kids)

The one where Tecna trades in her base fairy form's hat for a tinfoil hat.

This episode gives me so much secondhand embarrassment.

Favourite couple: Musa and Riven

I mean…. Yeah, obviously.

Least favourite couple: Aisha and Roy

Nabu should never have died

But he did and I have begrudgingly accepted that

BUT FFS LET AISHA MOURN. You made Nabu her soulmate, made them literally perfect together, killed him, made her rage for A SINGLE episode, be sorta sad for the rest of season 4 and the BOOM! Season 5 happens and she’s basically forgotten Nabu ever existed

NO! NON! JE REFUSE! C’EST D’LA CRISS DE MARDE. NON. NON. NON. NON. NON.

Also Roy’s hair looks like a highlighter. Like, y’all make fun of onion boy's hair (as do I because seriously why the fuck is with Riven's hair design), but this man looks like an office supply that has a single use. Onions are not only good to cook with in almost every single recipe in existence (barring desserts) (I am a very bad cook, so do not question me on this) (I am a great baker though, so I know for a fact that onions and dessert is a no no). but they’re also great for throwing at people!

Favourite sidekicks: The Specialists

Look me in the eyes and tell me you believe these idiots are anything more than sidekicks to their girlfriends.

If you said yes, ask yourself if you can remember them going on a single mission without it being to assist the winx since season 1? No. That’s right. You can’t.

These pretty boys exist solely to assist their girlfriends on missions and be eye candy. That’s it. That’s their purpose in life and they are excelling at it.

Least favourite sidekick: The pets

I hate the pixies, but they had their funny moments. These things on the other hand are abso-fucking-lutely useless.

[fbfh]

dad!Robert and sister!Sophia Quinn + Quinn!reader hcs - the fosters

wc: 1.5k

pairing: dad!robert quinn + sister!sophia quinn + quinn!reader

warnings: vague allusions to reader having a rough life before living with the quinns, sophia has bpd, robert and sophia both adore you, jill hates you, sibling shenanegins with sophia, robert is trying to be a good dad, brief mention of playing just dance while your parents divorce, I think that's it??

genre: familial fluff with hints of crack and angst

a/n: hey girl I'm hyperfixating on the fosters again! daily reminder that you're faves live in disbelief of how loveable you are! as with the previous fosters hcs if you don't know why you were tagged its bc of the domestic/found family trope!!

@youkissedareaderinthedark @girlfriendwhoseawitch @mrscarolscaramoucheplease

Okay assuming you have a backstory somewhat similar to Callie's

Meaning you didn't know your dad was actually Robert Quinn until recently and through a variety of circumstances he's fighting for custody of you 

It's going to be…… interesting 

Honestly Sophia is messy enough for her own tlc show 

And Robert is so desperate to make up for lost time and be worlds best dad

And Jill?????? Jill detests you 

So there's obviously going to be some silly antics 

Shenanigans if you will 

When Robert first sees you he has to try so hard not to cry

You look so much like your mom, the love of his life

She really was the one that got away 

He feels like he has a piece of her back now

And he is so determined to be there for you now

He’s not letting you slip through his fingers again

You now have more emotional and financial support than you ever did before

Once you’re comfortable enough for it to not be weird he will absolutely give you a credit card for literally whatever you want

One of his love languages is gift giving so when he sees you and Sophia going on shopping sprees together 

When he gets texts from you asking if you can get something you want or food or something

Even though he’s reassured you a million times you don’t have to ask

He gets so happy

He’s so happy to know he can take care of you and provide for you now

He wishes so badly he could have been doing it from the start

But he’s just glad he found out as soon as he did instead of another ten years later

Also if there’s anything you ever wanted to do and didn’t have the money or opportunity to

Surprise

Robert has already signed you up for figure skating and ballet and your violin will be arriving at the end of this week

He just loves spending time with you and Sophia

He loves spending time with both his kids

It makes him happier than he ever thought he could be

And oh my god Sophia??????

She always wanted a sibling

And now she has one

And it’s literally the fucking coolest person in the world?????

She is so desperate to be just like you

For you to think she’s cool too

She wants to be like super mega close sibling bffs with you

She wants to have sleepovers and share secrets 

She doesn’t really realize that that requires a lot of work and time to achieve and you can’t really jump straight there with enough enthusiasm 

You might need to be a little patient with her and set some boundaries 

But she’s just really excited to finally have a sibling yk

Roberts parents (and probably Jill) will accuse him of being a little obsessed with you

But he’s just trying to make up for lost time yk

Sophia however actually is a little obsessed with you 

They all but explicitly stated she has bpd 

You can probably tell pretty soon that she’s a little mentally ill right off the bat

Like you’re not really one to miss red flags yk

One good thing about how much they both care about you and how much influence you have in your new family is that if you tell Robert you’re worried about Sophia

He will take that totally seriously 

Even if Jill doesn’t or thinks he’s overreacting or Sophia is  being dramatic 

Robert will start watching her a little more closely and realize you’re right

He’ll get her into therapy so she can get help before things get worse

He’ll get you in therapy too if you want/need it

That’s one of those moments that really solidifies in his mind that you’re meant to be part of their family

His kids looking out for each other yk

Also once her she starts getting better and some of that obsession burns away

You’ll be able to have a really great relationship with her

It’s so fucking hard for her to not copy everything you do

Like once you move in she wants to decorate her room like yours

She always wants to borrow your clothes and copy your style

She thinks whatever you like to do is absolutely the elite hobby/extracurricular 

And oh my god if you like horses too????

Her two favorite things have just combined

Robert would absolutely get you a horse so you two can go riding together 

She brags to all her friends at Archfield about how fucking cool you are

Eventually you end up getting to have all the classic sibling experiences you didn't have with each other 

Late night talks about life and mental illness and existentialism 

"Can I borrow your top" "No" "Please :(" "Fine"

Basement just dance battles to the death while Robert and Jill are divorcing upstairs 

You show up to all each others events and hype the hell out of each other 

Your texts are half just sending each other tiktoks 

"You" "dad" "dad and Jill" "us" "your horse"

She sends you a lot of astrology memes and incorrect quotes of your signs 

She gets so excited whenever you consult her about your personal life 

You send her a screenshot of texts asking if it passes the vibe check 

It does not 

She loves talking mad shit with you

About people from your schools and extracurriculars 

Sometimes about Jill

Robert is trying to make it work with her 

He really is

But she fucking hates you 

She refuses to even give you a chance

And you know he's never going to pick anyone over his kids

Especially not after everything yall have been through 

You and Sophia both sort of know it's a matter of time at this point

Jill is one of those handful of almond moms who will antagonize you for almost anything 

You can't even swear around Jill bc she doesn't like it

She won't even let Sophia say oh my god 

So whenever you swear around Robert and Sophia it's like a little inside joke 

Even when you let out a long string of substitute swear words when Jill is there they still find it hilarious 

Because they know what you'd be saying if she weren't there 

"Butt…muncher on a pogo stick!"

They find it hilarious 

Jill is not amused

Sometimes Sophia looks up your old neighborhood on Google maps and imagines what your childhood was like

What it would have been like if you were raised together 

There are tons of trees she imagines you'd climb together, sidewalks to ride your bikes on, places to play hide and seek 

Sometimes Robert looks at your old neighborhood and has to try not to cry

His baby was that close this whole time and he had no idea??

They're both just really glad they have you now 

That you have each other 

Also your birthday????

It's practically a national holiday 

Sophia bases half her gift planning on your birth chart and the other half on every piece of information she's retained about you 

Robert is lowkey celebrating the whole month 

He feels like he has a lot to make up for and he's not going to let this day be anything less than spectacular 

God help you if it's your sweet 16

He is going to to so fucking ham people are still talking about it years later

Sophia gets so fucking excited if your birthdays are close together 

Like so fucking excited 

She has a little count down on her phone to "quinn siblings birthday season" 

It becomes a tradition for each of you to team up with Robert to plan the other one's birthday 

Instead of the standard birthday parties Jill would throw and invite half of Sophia's class

And a bunch of adults to network with

This year you and Robert surprise her with a day full of horseback riding and shopping and devil's food cake and all her other favorite things

And a Fiona apple concert over the weekend 

If this is what birthdays are supposed to be like she thinks she's been missing out

And for your birthday?????

They plan a whole week full of surprises 

Sophia's been making careful mental notes of all the stuff you want to do and go see 

Suffice it to say it's the best birthday you could have wished for 

For Robert's birthday you and Sophia plan to surprise him with a bunch of crafts and handmade presents  he probably would have gotten from both of you if you'd found each other sooner 

You make craft paper turkeys and macaroni necklaces and casts of your hand prints

You buy white ties and color them in with paint markers 

You even mark your heights on the doorway of his office 

He cries so fucking hard

He loves it

He loves his kids

It's the second best present he's ever gotten

The first will always be you and Sophia 

[starryocean]

realized there's still books i havent got to talking about yet that ive finished forever ago. whoops. here they are now.

1 - Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence

as I expected, it was incredibly edgy. I kept thinking of Jorg as some 13-year-old dA boy's first ever fantasy OC. And he talked as if he felt the same way, too--really believing that he was the coolest shit ever, can do whatever he wants, fuck his dad and fuck the kingdom. nothing personnel, kid.

To Mark's credit, Jorg is also literally 14. I think. 14-15. Either way he's a teenager and has trauma and very much acts like it. I think that's a pretty important thing to state with regards to Jorg's narration. However, it also makes some things he pulled off in his backstory statistically impossible for a...I think 10? 11? year old to do. But there's also some weird magic shit going on, and the weird magic shit is explicitly confirmed to have played a role in at least one of those statistically impossible incidents, so I guess I can believe that maybe there was meddling there as well. idk.

Anyway. Let's talk about what I liked.

The "twist" with regards to the background of the setting as a whole was fairly interesting and properly foreshadowed from the start--even the map was pointing to it. However, it was also the only thing that really kept me reading. I did not like Jorg, even if I thought his narration was hilariously edgy, but somehow I did end up rooting for him to win the last battle at least a little? So I guess some of the reviews didn't lie to me in that that would happen.

So that's another thing I liked. Mark Lawrence is a competent storyteller if he was able to get me invested enough in Jorg--even with Jorg being unlikable as he is--to root for him at all at the very end. Let me be clear that I can't see him ever being truly a "hero" by any definition of the word. But he grew on me. That's the important thing. He grew on me, and it's honestly a sign of good writing that he was able to grow on me at all.

Thirdly: I think it's very, VERY funny that the only reason everyone didn't die half-way through the book is because one guy spoke up about not using every bomb available in order to destroy this one place. This guy saved the fucking world from being annihilated by nukes (yet again, cuz oops spoilers that's the twist it's set in post-nuclear apocalypse Europe) and then nobody even knows it but Jorg and his little group of bandit shitheads. And it's all because he didn't think it was necessary to go all out for one stupid fortress and told Jorg he had to tone it down a bit.

Comedy gold.

Now, what I didn't like:

Jorg. I've already mentioned he's a shithead. Massively so. Literally the book starts with him slaughtering a whole village for no reason, among other things. Literally the only reason I could find myself rooting for him is because the other guys were worse. So since I've already talked a lot about how much I don't like Jorg, I'm moving on.

The treatment of women is also very annoying. it's not as bad as having literally every female character get raped, but the only one who's given any development is the step-daughter of the king (jorg's dad) from his marriage to another woman after the first queen got murdered horribly. The only other woman of note I can think of is the dead queen and a sex worker that is treated like an idiot the whole time she's on screen. She and Jorg end up having sex anyway. It's gross.

Also. Racism. The only Black character is never given a real name and is consistently referred to by his race alone. He dies part way through the book (although he's still relevant a good while after) and is never given a proper name. And of course he was a slave and bandit and he's notable because apparently there aren't many other Black people in post-apoc Europe that aren't slaves??? Utterly bizarre. Do you have any idea how many Muslims live in France, as an example? Especially Black Muslims? Are you seriously telling me there wouldn't be ANY descendants of those people living as commoners in post-apoc Europe, even if not in what was once France specifically? Like, let's be generous and pretend that there aren't any Black nobility either because people are just THAT racist after the end of the world. Are you seriously saying there'd still be little to no free Black people around, at all? Are you stupid?

The fucking Asian character is treated better than this, and he's also a fucking slave whose been forced to be the wise old elder trying to teach Jorg about stuff and "put him on the right path" or w/e bs. But he at least has a name.

So overall I did not like this one, tbh. Even if there were a few things I did like a lot, there wasn't enough to keep me going other than the interesting setting twist and wanting to see how it ended. 3edgy5me, or whatever the meme was back in the late 2000s-early 2010s.

Would not rec.

2 - The Cat Who Saved Books by Sousuke Natsukawa

I liked this one a lot. 200+ pages, very short, but lots of warm feel-good with fantasy aspects to it as well. The different "worlds" where books were being treated badly were very interesting, and the different ways they were being treated badly was some good commentary on how people consume media. There were a lot of Western literary references which I didn't expect, but also since this was a translation and the author is Japanese I can see way, as part of the atmosphere of the book and playing into the protag's tastes and circumstances.

I was really interested in trying to learn what that last story the protag needed to confront was, because I wasn't sure who she was meant to represent, but it was probably more obvious in the original text and just couldn't be carried over to English well. I did like the whole "friends from past adventures coming to help the protag in his time of need" even if its a cliche, and there was just a lot of coziness to this one that I needed at the time I read it.

Loved this book. Would recommend.

3 - All Our Hidden Gifts by Caroline O'Donoghue

I admit, I picked this one up because it was from a publisher/imprint I'd never seen in store before and wanted to know what kind of stuff they published. The pretty art was also a selling point, as the setting in contemporary Ireand with Tarot stuff going on.

I wasn't sure if I'd like the protag at first, but I really did. Even with the rift between her and her childhood friend at the beginning and how it happened, I could really see why she did what she did, because I know that sort of thought process she had as she got older and wanted to "fit in" in her upper-class school. The fact she also ended up having to confront her privilege with how her family has far more means than most people was also a good part of her arc. I was also quite happy that she and her friend didn't make up right away at the end once the friend was saved, and that it was clear there was a long way to go between them.

The lore with the weird creepy card that started this whole mess was interesting, too. The fact that the spell the protag did was actually mutual on both her and her friend's part was an interesting touch I didn't expect--but it also makes sense? Especially with the foreshadowing that came after the incident with her having been seen willingly going with that manifestation of said card. The backstory about that other girl who stumbled upon that power but died without any help, and the fact that the nun(?) lady had all those news clippings in her car in the first place...those were good. The latter was touching, too, especially given the whole conflict against the religious cult.

Speaking of. Said religious cult. When the blurb says that this book touches on queer revolution, it's not joking around--this book goes fucking hard on the harm of anti-queer politics and what that religious cult is doing. The fact that the cult leader has magic also makes it even worse, considering he's manipulating people both with mundane tactics and literal fucking magic.

So uh. I wasn't in a great place to be reading that sort of thing when I got this, and with current politics I don't think I'll be able to read the next book any time soon either. But I did like this one a lot. Bonus points for the nonbinary character being amab, because--while I'm sure there's stuff out there--there's such a prevailing attitude of nonbinary being "femme lite" that it's so hard for me to find actual amab nonbinary rep. It's such a breath of fresh air. Like it shouldn't even be a thing that matters but...god, I need more amab nonbinary characters. Please.

Anyway. Great book. Goes hard. Would love to read the next one when I'm in a better headspace for it. Would recommend if you're in a good headspace for it.

4 - Never Coming Home by Kate Williams

It's And Then There Were None but if Fyre Festival. I was sold as soon as I read the blurb. I fucking love that idea and the And Then There Were None kind of mystery is like catnip to me. I loved that book when I first read it and I've been really into Agatha Christie-style mysteries in general. The recent Death on the Nile movie was loads of fun. I need to read more of her books and this helped scratch that murder-mystery itch I've been getting more into lately.

It's also good that the one actual big influencer was sus on everything from the start, precisely because most of these people were nobodies even in their own niche, by varying degrees from their helpfully-listed follower count in the beginning. Frankie Rus(s)h (the actual big influencer) only knows like, one person from an event they were both at and is very protective of her. Even so, she's still quite clearly flawed, and even a little selfish, and I like that.

The POVs all vary from chapter to chapter, as fitting the story its paying homage to. The way everyone's being taunted while they're trapped there at the same time they're getting picked off one-by-one is also nice psychological horror for those characters. Especially with the fact that the account for the event is updating with pictures of people that couldn't have been taken by any of them with riddle-like messages about who'll die next and how.

I also like that there was a character who was upfront about the thing they're guilty of right away. He knew he was the reason it happened, he did his time over it iirc, he made peace with his guilt and is fine with letting people know if it'll help figure out this mess. That's really good emotional maturity even if not everyone was as honest about their crimes as he was. Good stuff.

Now. Some problems.

That same character I don't feel was handled as great as he could've been. His whole thing is that he's a DJ, or at least was trying to make it as one, but ended up as more or less a drug dealer instead. I feel this would be fine if he were like, any other race but latino. Just...the drug dealer stereotype is too prevalent, especially with current politics, but I do applaud that the author tried to handle it as maturely as possible and made him far more nuanced than just a "druggie." He also didn't die first, and in fact lasted for a good while.

The alternating POVs between him and one other person right before his death was also good. Unreliable narrator clearly on display, with both of them being sure the other is the culprit in all of this. Tragic as all hell and really helps with the gut punch. Especially with how that other person died right after.

The only thing I was super confused about was the "explanation" part of the ending. It was framed as people theorizing online about it all (on reddit actually, I think) but I still didn't feel quite clear about the culprit's motivation for all of it. I might have to reread later to see if I can understand it better, but I do also know that scene was of the culprit literally trolling in order to try and dissuade people from thinking it was them.

Because they're still a public presence at the end and their family has been monetizing the shit out of the tragedy.

Yeah. Oof.

Still. Very good book. Loved it and it did the concept and homage justice. Would rec.

5 - The Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner

Very interesting mystery, tbh. Contemporary/historical, with some people apparently having very YMMV feeling on how it was done. Personally I liked it a lot, the style and narration felt fitting. I really liked the emotional arcs of the characters, as well as the whole concept of an old herbalist going against her teachings in order to provide poison to women so that they can kill their husbands in an era where women didn't really have the ability to either divorce or else stop such people at all.

The relationship between the herbalist and the young girl was fun, and I really liked how the lady the girl was working for loved her like family. Enough to kill her husband so that he couldn't hurt the girl at all. The story with the modern-day historian was...less interesting tbh, mostly because for much of it I was worried it'd be more focused on the relationship drama with her cheating husband and their collapsing marriage more than it actually was. I wasn't super into the pregnancy scare plot either. But I did end up liking her side of the story more as the novel got further in.

It wasn't a super long novel either. Also in the 200+ page range. But the mystery/historical aspect was good, the modern characters not being able to get a full, conclusive idea of what happened in the past was good, and it was really fun watching the modern day historian do some breaking and entering in her search. fuck yeah, lady. trespass on private property to cope! fuck the police! lmao

Would recommend.

6 - So I'm a Spider, So What? #16 by Okina Baba

I liked most of it, up until the very end. The end ended up retroactively souring the rest of the book for me, if not the whole series. It was too abrupt, and the "epilogue" of 1-2 sentence paragraphs describing what happened to every character only made it worse. Especially given the fact that Sue is implied to be the one who "won" with Shun in the end, even though both volumes 15 and 16 make it explicitly clear she's not supposed to be seen in a good light with regards to her actions--starting from her rape attempt against Shun to how she selfishly inserts herself into the party of people meeting with the Demon Lord, and how that could very well have ended the world right then and there.

Like, Sue is not meant to be seen in anywhere near a positive light in volumes 15 and 16. She even keeps taking advantage of Shun's kindness even though he very firmly set boundaries with her, which is also presented as something negative, and yet she...somehow wins? Like, yeah, sure I am biased towards Katia. But Katia has also been pretty explicitly built-up as the "main" romantic interest for Shun since volume 1. Given the way Sue is treated/presented in the last few volumes, how she's been barely relevant for a majority of the series since volume 5, and with Katia being the obvious choice? It feels like a deliberate "fuck you." And it hurts. And it's honestly made me not want to go back and reread any of the series anymore for the parts I at least liked.

I've been wanting to write out a snippet/one-shot that sums up my feeling as to what should have been done with Sue since I had a chance to sit and process volume 16, but I can't even get myself to do that because of how sour it feels to even think about the ending. Even though I feel like it'd be cathartic to write such a fic. But I can't fucking get myself to do it. I knew people were saying the ending was bad, but I was really hoping it was people complaining for similar reasons as to why people didn't like vol 11-12 (aka, their reasoning was stupid).

But...no. They were right. The ending sucked. And I don't even know how to feel about the stupid series anymore. I don't even know if I want to have anything to do with it anymore.

And it hurts.

That's all I can say about this one.

7 - Hidden Pictures by Jason Rekulak

Loved this one. The way it was written, most people being genuinely nice and good, the possessed/haunted kid not being demonized? It was so good. It was something I needed when I picked it up. It took me a while to actually finish it, but the ending made me so happy I did. This book is horror, I should also mention, and the drawings periodically inserted into the story was a great touch.

As a side note: I was thinking to myself a few days ago how most of my experience with horror media has been indie games,* how a majority modern video games have an inherently visual element to them, and how House of Leaves--the only adult horror novel I'd read before picking up Hidden Pictures--also had a kind of visual element to it that most books lack. Obviously, most novels make up for the lack of visuals by invoking images in your head as you read the prose, such that you can still "see" things happening. House of Leaves, however, ends up taking it a step further by making the text itself a visual component, not just leaving it as "text" and relying on the reader's imagination.

I think, considering my tastes in horror media, it's not a surprise that the two adult horror books I've picked up--and loved--have had a visual component to them. I mean, the narratives themselves are compelling, don't get me wrong. The prose and story of both are phenomenal. I loved reading them as much as I enjoyed the "visual" aspects. But I noted that it was an interesting trend, considering.

But anyway. Loved Hidden Pictures. 100% would rec--especially to those who want something accessible to try and get into the horror genre with.

(*I also read a lot of horror manga/webtoons, but the sentence was long enough so I elected to include that down here. Either way, my point still stands re:my tastes in horror having a bent towards including some sort of visual aspect to the storytelling)

8 - My Next Life as a Villainess #6 by Satoru Yamaguchi

I tried getting back into Bakarina as a way of helping me out of a reading slump, wanting to read something easier to help ease me into reading in general (which worked, and was what helped me finish Hidden Pictures). I also bought another LN that I'll go on about down below to help with this. I liked...some of this one. But I was also feeling kind of sour by the end of it due to the way a certain character was handled.

To put it simply: there's a side character who is described in a way that more or less makes them a trans caricature. Super muscular, wears pretty dresses/frilly clothes, wants to be called by a feminine name, acts super feminine despite being repeatedly referred to as looking hypermasculine, etc. To top it off, her coworker insists in referring to her by her deadname. Everyone else treats her as a woman (including Katarina's narration), but this one guy doesn't. Consistently. To top it off, everyone's kind of creeped out and wary around this transwoman character, at least at first.

I will say, at the very least, in comparison to that male coworker who deadnames her the trans character is at least portrayed as competent at her job. She takes things seriously and is good at what she does. She also doesn't act creepy to the other characters, it's the other characters being creeped out by default and eventually warming up (which, isn't much better, but the bar is so low that it's still a step up). She's also very caring towards the other characters and wants to keep everyone safe. At the end, a different viewpoint character who the transwoman is giving a report to also takes her seriously and treats her as a woman, trusting her and knowing she's one of the better people in their organization (iirc. It's been a while since I've read all of these).

But none of this fully washed away the bitter taste I got from the way this character's appearance is so obviously meant as a joke/caricature. Especially in a time where I was already feeling down, and combined with how Kumoko's ending went it sucks even worse. Bakarina was/is another series I really enjoy--I've been keeping up with the fan translations of the manga releases and it's been nice to read something so comfy and light when I see there's been a new update. But now that I've read this volume, and now that the fan translation is getting into the content of this volume, it's been made sour for me too.

The plot was okay, I guess. I wasn't super fond of how mean one of the characters was to Katarina, although I understand why given his backstory. I liked Pochi getting a power-up and the others freaking out about it. But I felt thoroughly "meh" on basically everything and was disappointed with the stuff regarding that transwoman character.

I don't have anything super nice to say about this one, sorry. Moving on.

9 - I'm the Evil Lord of an Intergalactic Empire #1 by Yomu Mishima

Opposite to Bakarina, this one started out in a way that had me REALLY not want to read it, expecting the worst, and then turned my opinion around to a complete 180 as it went on.

I want to let you know, I've rarely ever had that happen to me. So I want to stress that this was actually good and funny, despite starting off on such an awful note. Like, I cannot understate how catastrophically the novel started out with regards to my expectations. I spotted a trope I don't like right away in the Table of Contents as one of the chapter titles, the full-color pages at the start being super super fanservicey, and the first chapter going into detail about how the reincarnated protagonist commissioned a big-tittied robot that had sexual capabilities programmed when he was a small child. And from there proceeding to grope said robot when she arrived, while still a small child.

And yet, it managed to redeem itself so well that I now consider it a favorite. I'm probably not going to buy any other volumes in the series, but I was actually laughing at some of the jokes at points. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a isekai manga that's actually funny? This LN started off so badly, but it managed to make me laugh. THIS KIND OF 108 NEVER. HAPPENS.

If you're wondering how it did that, then let me explain: first, it acknowledged several tropes common in isekai works (i.e., slave harems) as being a bad thing that will get people hating you and wanting you dead. The bar is so low but with the amount of works that don't manage to cross it, this was notable and improved my opinion just on its own. Then, the whole thing with the protag learning how to fight from a fraud because his brain is on anime and how what the guy was teaching him shouldn't actually be possible was incredibly funny. Failing upwards, and all that.

Then, this one older character being portrayed as incredibly pathetic and embarrassing for trying to do the honeypot thing. Too often, male teenage protags end up leaning into the gross pervert trope and let themselves go along with creepy fanservice no matter who it comes from. But this lady trying to seduce someone younger than her is shown as being embarrassing on her part, even humiliating that someone would even go that far. Again, this shouldn't be notable, but the fact that this LN was able to make such a point helped improve my opinion, because there's so many novels out there that can't even say that.

Then, when rescuing a bunch of people who've been held prisoner and traumatized (with heavy sexual connotations, even though nothing on-screen or outright is shown), the protag instead chooses to help them recover and even help them find places/jobs/etc. in his society instead of "mercy killing" them (which is something that happens far too often to victims of rape (or in this case, implied rape) in webnovels and such).

The fact that the bar is soooo fucking low but this novel manages to get all these things right? While managing to be actually funny at points alongside that? I genuinely can't believe the story pulled it off. It's insane.

Of course, the LN is not without its problems--there's still the way it started out, for instance. And there's other moments of unnecessary fanservice that doesn't happen to make a point like how that one scene with the honeypot does about it being dumb/pathetic/creepy/etc. There's also a bonus chapter in the back I felt was iffy, among other things.

But the fact it managed to turn my opinion around by this much? I think that counts for something. This one very much depends on whether or not you'll see the story the way I do by the end of it, so I can't give it a blanket rec, but if you're interested in trying it out? I'd say go for it. Just be aware that there's still stuff that's very much not great. I don't think people who aren't used to Weeb Ass Shit appearing in their anime/manga will like this one at all. So YMMV.

10 & 11 - Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree & Elantris by Brandon Sanderson

Putting these two together because it's been long enough I only have a few thoughts for each.

Legends and Lattes was nice and cozy. The stakes where actually higher than I expected re: the mafia thing or whatever, but that did get resolved without too much struggle, so that was nice. People being nice to each other and working together to make coffee and pastries. It's something I needed, and I'm glad I read it. Would rec.

Elantris was very obviously a debut novel. It didn't read as well as Mistborn did, the plot moved way too slowly for my tastes, and it hit kind of hard in places that I didn't want to be hit hard in. I get that it was setting up a sequel hook at the end, but for a standalone there were too many questions left unsolved. I get why, but even so, I wasn't super fond of this one. I remember wanting to see the noble ladies actually get to use the sword skills they were being taught but I feel like I remember that not happening. Would have to reread to double check.

I did at least like the political maneuvering, and I liked that the prince was able to reunite with his wife. I liked the organizing and faction conflict within the walled-off Elantris, too. But everything else was kind of...aggressively meh. I will say it treated its characters of color better than Prince of Thorns, though. They at least all get names and are treated as equals.

I think that's all the reviews. This took forever to sit down and write up but I got it done at least?

Currently reading Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri, am planning to read The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie after. Beyond that? We'll see.

[dherzogblog]

The Birth of The Daily Show: 25 Years of Fake News and Moments of Zen

It was July of 1995 and I had left MTV to become President of Comedy Central. It was the basic cable equivalent of going from the NY Yankees to an expansion team. I was on the job just two weeks when I received a call from Brillstein Grey the high powered managers of Bill Maher, host of one of the networks few original programs, "Politically Incorrect". We were informed Bill and his show would leave the network when his contract expired in 12 months. It was a done deal. Bill wanted to take his show to the "big leagues" at ABC where he would follow Night Line. Comedy Central was left jilted. Terrible news for a network still trying to establish itself. We had a year to figure out how to replace him and the clock was ticking. So began the path to The Daily Show.

It was very much a fledgling Comedy Central I joined, available in barely 35 million homes, desperately seeking an identity and an audience. It was just over three years old, born into a shot gun wedding that joined two struggling and competing comedy networks, HBO’s Comedy Channel and Viacom’s HA!, Watching them both stumble out of the gate, the cable operators forced them to merge, telling them: "We only need one comedy channel, you guys figure it out”. After some contentious negotiations the new channel was born and the red headed step child of MTV and HBO set out to find the pop culture zeitgeist its parents had already expertly navigated. The network had yet to define itself. The programming consisted mainly of old stand up specials from the likes of Gallagher (never underestimate the appeal of a man smashing watermelons), a hodgepodge of licensed movies (“The God’s Must be Crazy and The Cheech and Chong trilogy were mainstays) and Benny Hill reruns. The networks biggest hit by far was the UK import “Absolutely Fabulous”, better know as “AbFab”. Comedy Central boasted a handful of original shows, including the wonderfully sublime "SquiggleVision" of “Dr. Katz”, the sketch comedy "Exit 57" (starring the then unknown Amy Sedaris and Stephen Colbert) and of course Maher’s "Politically Incorrect". In retrospect I don’t think Bill got enough credit for pioneering the idea of political comedy on mainstream TV. Back then he was the only one doing it.

Politically Incorrect performed just fine, but got more critical attention than ratings. It was a panel show, and I had something a bit different in mind to replace it. I knew we needed a flagship, a network home base, something akin to ESPN's Sports Center where viewers could go at the end of a the day for our comedic take on everything that happened in the last 24 hours….."a daily show". I had broad idea for it in my head. I would describe it as part "Weekend Update", part Howard Stern, with a dash of "The Today Show" on drugs complete with a bare boned format to keep costs low so we could actually afford to produce it. We could open with the headlines covering the day's events (our version of a monologue), followed by a guest segment (we wouldn't need to write jokes...only questions!), and finish with a taped piece. Simple, right? We just needed someone to help flesh out our vision.

Comedy Central was a a second tier cable channel then and considered a bit of a joke (no pun intended). It had minuscule ratings, no heat and even less money to spend. Producers were not lining up to work with there. Eileen Katz ran programming for the channel and the two of us began pitching this idea to every producer who would listen. One of the first people we approached was Madeleine Smithberg, an ex Letterman producer and had overseen "The Jon Stewart Show" for us at MTV. We thought she was perfect for the role. “You can’t do this, you can’t afford this, you don't have the stomach for this, it will never work ” Madeliene said when we met with her. We could not convince her to take the gig. Ok then....we moved on. The problem was we heard that same refrain from everybody. No one wanted the job. So after weeks being turned down by literally EVERYONE, I said to Eileen: “We have to go back to Madeleine and convince her to do this with us"!

Part our pitch to her was we would go directly to series. There would be no pilot. The show was guaranteed to go on air. We had decided this show was our to be our destiny and we had to figure it out come hell or high water. As a 24 hour comedy channel, if we couldn't figure out a way to be funny and fresh every day...what good were we? We told Madeliene we were committed to putting the show on the air and keeping it there till we got it right (for at least a year anyway). That, plus some gentle arm twisting got her to sign on. Shortly after that, Lizz Winstead did too.

Madleiene and Lizz very quickly landed on their inspired notion of developing the show and format as a news parody. It brought an immediate focus and a point of view to the process . All of the sudden things started to take shape and coming to life. Great ideas started flowing fast and furious while an amazing collection of funny and talented began to come on board. Madeliene and Lizz were off to the races. Now all we needed was a host.

The prime time version of ESPN's Sports Center was hosted by Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann back then and it was must see cable TV. But I had recently started to notice another guy hosting the show's late night edition. He was funny, with a snarky delivery reminiscent of Dennis Miller. His name was Craig Kilborn. On the phone with CAA agent Jeff Jacobs one day, I asked if he knew happened to know who repped him? “I do" he said. "We just signed him”. Within days he was in my office along with Madeleine, Lizz, and Eileen who were all a bit skeptical about the tall blond guy with the frat boy vibes sitting across from them. After opening the meeting with a few off color comments that would probably get him cancelled today (an early warning sign fo sure), Craig ultimately won them over and we had our host.

FUN FAC#1: Minutes after the news of Craig's hiring went public, Keith Olberman's agent called me directly to ask why we hadn't considered hiring him?

Ok, we had a host and producers...but what to call it? After sifting through dozens of ideas for a title, Madeleine called me one day and said, "I think we should just call it what we've been calling it all along...."The Daily Show". As we approached our launch date we taped practice shows and took them out to focus groups to get real life feedback. The groups hated it.... I mean with a red hot hate. They hated Craig, the format, the jokes, everything. We were crushed and dejectedly looked around at the room at one another. "Now what?" “Either they’re wrong, or we are". I said I think they are...but it doesn’t matter, we're doing this!" We never looked back.

The show took off quickly garnering some quick buzz and attention, we felt like we had crashed the party. Well, sort of. We had no shortage of fun, growing pains and drama along the way. The Daily Show version 1.0 was about to unravel. In a December 1997 magazine interview Craig made some truly offensive and inappropriate remarks about Lizz and female members of the staff. Whether it was poor attempt at humor or just plain misogynist (or both) is beyond the point. It was all wrong, very wrong. Craig was suspended for a week without pay. Lizz left the show. In the moment I chose to protect the show and its talent more so than Lizz. That was wrong too. It's more than cringe worthy looking back now, and I regret not making some better decisions then. My loyalty to our host was later "rewarded" when in the Spring of 1998 Kilborn's team, a la Bill Maher, unceremoniously informed us he had signed a deal to follow Letterman on CBS when his contract expired at the end of the year. No discussion, a done deal. Comedy Central jilted again. Like Maher, Kilborn wanted his shot at the network big leagues and we had a little over six months to figure out how to replace him. We all know how that chapter ended. That search would eventually reunite us with Jon Stewart who along with The Daily Show took Comedy Central and basic cable to the "the big leagues" on their own terms, redefining late night comedy in the process The rest, as they say, is "Fake News" history.

Fun Fact #2: before approaching Jon (who I did not originally think would be interested) I initially offered the job to a chunkier, largely unknown Jimmy Kimmel, fresh off his co hosting duties on "Win Ben Stein's Money" ...only to have him turn us down.

My fascination with late night began as a kid. I remember how exciting it was to stay up to sneak a peek at the Carson monologue and watch him do spit takes with his chummy Hollywood guests. Later on I also loved the heady adult conversation Dick Cavett would have with everyone from Sly Stone to Groucho Marx. But it was the comedic revolution of Saturday night Live in 1975, followed by Letterman's game changing show in 1981 that truly established late night as the coolest place on the television landscape. I could only dream of one day being part of it.

25 years on, I couldn’t be more proud of The Daily Show and its legacy. Those days helping build it alongside Madeleine, Lizz, Eileen and the team were among the most satisfying (and fun) experiences I have ever had. It was thrilling to take a shot at the late night landscape and try and make our mark, especially when no one thought we could.

I am prouder still of what Trevor Noah and his staff have achieved since they took the hand off from Jon, evolving and growing the show through a new voice and lens. I think my personal "Moment Of Zen" will last as long as Trevor remains behind the desk, allowing me to selfishly boast of having hired every host this award winning and culture defining franchise has ever had.

25 years later. it remains as relevant as ever, a bona fide late night institution, standing shoulder to shoulder with all the great shows that inspired us to start.