#i don't think i need to lose any weight and tbh i'd rather not

[immortalsins]

went running and can report i'm still not that person

[rabbitindisguise]

I think I'm going to socialize less irl (long vent post under the cut)

I feel like I've tried so hard at the Be Normal And Nourished from Normal Hobbies and Normal Interactions but tbh it just has not worked. I have not become neurotypical in the slightest (well, duh, should have expected that) and I feel like I'm struggling extremely badly with literally everything all of the time. Something has to give and I think "something" is "having more time to relax and reflect because I'm not talking to people 5 out of 7 days a week."

The thing is that like, I want to do what works and feels best for me. But I feel like the outside world can't accept "hermit that mainly does stuff by themselves." The alternative however is becoming what seems to be a huge jerk. No one else seems concerned with this, like they think the jerk-ness is an active choice and not one that arrived organically because circumstances despite my attempts at learning coping mechanisms and things to stop it. People will complain about X behavior (reasonable) and then act totally unconcerned when I'm like "look this is happening because I'm literally at the end of my rope. There's no rope left. I need to get more rope. That is the solution. Eating broccoli, no matter how helpful that is, is not going to give me more rope."

We're supposed to be perfect even when we're miserable is the thing isn't it?? Maybe that makes me a bad person (to fail to do "basic decency" in a bad place) but I'd rather be a bad person and antisocial or whatever than an active jerk while attempting doing "normal." This is a very easy decision to make actually.

I just need like a break. Some time to get it together. Idk.

. . . and like, there's so much to unpack form "be normal."

When I was living with other people, I was obsessed with doing chores properly so no one would have reason to be upset with me (because ADHD fears™), and house organizing was always something I deprioritized as something not worth asking for flexibility on, etc. I couldn't set rules and I couldn't stop doing what I felt was useless but crucially I didn't want to get mad at other people about that. So I tried (failed) to manage myself to make that sort of situation possible.

I'm general "doing normal" is "follow conventional health advice like to talk to your friends when you feel bad." Except I feel bad and it doesn't help. Lose/lose.

Who knows what other stuff I've internalized trying to just Do The Magic Thing to become tolerable. I feel like it's an impossible task and people keep congratulating me for trying but I feel like it's not the thing I want to be hearing tbh. Isn't that what everyone wants, to be accepted even when they don't fit societal norms?? "Thank you for trying to not be your weird self" feels icky. They're just trying to be supportive of what I thought was necessary, I know, I just also didn't pull "do normal" out of my ass- it's everywhere. Everyone seems to have an idea of the basic steps someone who isn't good at socializing should do (shower more, sleep more, eat correct things, do hands on hobbies, join clubs, take leadership roles in organizations, practice self help tips, exist in one community for a long time, talk about what other people are interested in, ask questions, practice active listening, assertive communication, setting boundaries, anger management, venting to friends, doing therapy, doing physical activity, etc etc etc). But no one seems to have any idea that sometimes you're just like this. And by "like this" I don't mean socializing- maybe I'll find a balance of something that will work. No, I mean the thing they think is the key to socializing that everyone should do. I cannot physically do all of them- especially when plenty are contradictory.

It's like weight loss right?? You might feel more alone than ever, feel physically ill, and struggle with constant fatigue- but at least from the outside you look normal! :) you did everything possible to carve away the stuff people blamed your problems on only to find that- surprise!- the problems were unrelated and that was one of the few things that made you content to begin with. Where are people then? What advice do they have when it "works" to satisfy them but the cost is too damn high for you? What explanation do they have when the thing they thought all your problems were the source of does not improve your life in any way? If you're only allowed to have problems if you try to look normal, what happens when looking normal becomes one of your problems? Do they take your word on it, that you tried the normal thing and it was uncomfortable. Do they finally stop pressuring you to do the normal stuff. Do they reconsider their priorities. Or were their "suggestions" from a place of not considering your welfare to begin with?

I guess we'll find out.

[purplesurveys]

1766

Would you rather visit The Eiffel Tower or the Egyptian Pyramids? I'd love to go see the pyramids, even though Reddit has heavily implied to me that Egypt isn't the most tourist-friendly place on Earth. Would be a cool thing to tick off my checklist though.

Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight? Yup, that will never happen so it would be extremely surprising.

Do you need to lose or gain weight? I think I'm at more or less the ideal range now, but for the most part I've needed to gain as I'm often underweight.

Do you think you have a disorder but haven’t been properly diagnosed yet? I'm almost certain there's at least one mental disorder hanging around in there - most likely ADHD.

What is the population of the city you live in? A little under 900,000.

How many pairs of jeans do you own? Somewhere over 10, which is already too many for me tbh haha. I like having choices.

When did you last vacuum your room? Couple of weeks ago.

Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight? The last time either one of these happened was when I lost a lot of weight post-breakup. I've deleted all photos of myself that were managed to be taken at the time because I could hardly recognize my own face and body.

On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? Probably a 4 because while I do it frequently, I'm also watchful of the situations I do it in. I wouldn't curse at work or in super public places.

What is the worst thing you’ve ever smelled? Rotten eggs or that infection I got on my foot when I was 11. What’s your favorite social media platform? Reddit.

Name someone with brown eyes. Almost everyone I know has dark brown eyes because, well, that's just how Filipino genes roll.

Do you know what your next injection will be? Most likely just another round of Covid boosters if it comes down to it. I have nothing lined up any time soon though.

Does anyone call you darling? If so who? Nope. That's not a common term of endearment where I live.

If you had to have a cartoon character tattooed to you what would it be? I could go with Pluto so that it can be dog-related.

You have to dye your hair two colours, what do you choose? Pink and orange, just like Hayley Williams in 2013. I've *ALWAYS* wanted to try out that half-and-half style that she did but I'm just way too cowardly to actually push through with it hahaha.

If you could would you look at your future self? Yes. I hate uncertainty and being able to see how my future self would be doing can fix that for me.

Who was your first serious relationship? My first and probably last ex.

If you had to cut a parent out of your life who would you cut out? I hate this question.

If you had to get a piercing right now what would you get done? I would get a nose or lip ring.

Who is the #1 person/thing in your life? I'd put myself at the top of my priorities, honestly.

What are two things you wish you never did? 1) Stop talking to Sofie in college and 2) be an ass of a teenager.

Would you rather have three personal wishes or world peace? I'd get the wishes; I'm a bit pessimistic when it comes to the concept of world peace in that I don't think it will ever be achievable.

What were/is your high school colors? Gold, white, blue.

When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” Just bless you, if I do catch myself greeting someone post-sneeze. I usually just ignore.

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? No.

What are two things you are excited to do in the near future? Get my year-end bonus and use said bonus to go Christmas shopping, hehehe.

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? I live in a house with my family.

Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? Not because I like it but because that's the rule that journalism sets, lol. It's why I spell out one to ten, but use numbers for the rest.

Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? Kleo and Leigh, who have consecutive birthdays.

Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I don't have Photoshop; I never learned how to use it lmao.

Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? I know they never understood why I like wrestling so much so maybe that, yeah.

Leggings with denim shorts; yes or no? Let's leave those in the past.

Do you plan your meals in any way? No tbh I just eat whatever I want. I've never been watchful which I know isn't the healthiest thing to do.

Were you in the scouts when you were young? No.

How many people could sleep in your home? (Not counting floor space; beds and couches only) I would say 7 is the maximum before it starts feeling crowded/not comforable.

Have you ever made a hole-in-one at mini-golf? I've never even played any sort of golf besides on Wii Sports.

What genre was the last song you listened to? Who provided the vocals? K-pop. It was a song by Seventeen.

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? No.

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see? I'd start simple and just hope I see myself still alive by then.

Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women.

Who came over last? A friend of my sister.

Has one of your friends ever tried to “hook you up?” No, they know better than that.

What is your card game of choice? I don't have one. Cards confuse me lol

What is your favourite books series? I never really had one.

If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it and what’s your favorite flavor? Oatmeal is so gross. I had to eat it everyday at a certain point as a kid that I just want to avoid that lumpy bland mess now.

Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video and if not, what was it of? No. It was a compilation of Friends scenes because Matty Perry.

Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery and if so, how much did they win and would you or have you ever played the lottery? I don't know anyone who has and I personally never would. Better safe than sorry.

What was the last thing someone has sincerely thanked you for? The second to the last Grab delivery staff who came to our house had seemed genuinely surprised and thankful for the tip I gave.

What band, celebrity, etc. do you know the most information about and who would you like to learn more about? Probably Audrey Hepburn. I'm not interested in knowing more about anyone else's life.

[gracesimp]

Falling

tenth doctor x fem!reader

SUMMARY: reader needs a helping hand. The Doctor offers her one.

fluff tbh

i wrote this with ten in mind, but honestly it could be read as any except 13.

WARNING. deals with serious mental health topics, such as depression.

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling. Time around me slows and my arms flail around helplessly. My mouth is open wide as I scream so hard my throat burns, but no sound can be heard. I've been falling for so long that I begin to lose hope. I wonder, what will happen when I reach the bottom? Will I land on my back and become paralysed, unable to move, unable to feel? Will I just become a shell of the person I used to be? Or maybe I'll land on my feet. But still stuck. Trapped at the bottom of an endless abyss with only the darkness to keep me company.

Which would be worse?

I'm not sure.

I felt myself nearing to the end. I used to feel scared, but I think I made peace with my impending doom. But then, a few months ago, I met a man. Honestly, I still believe he's an angel in man form. He constantly tries to assure me he is far from it, though I'll never believe him. After all, how can my saviour, my hero, be anything other than a good man?

His name, or title, really, is ironic. A title he shares with us because his real name is too powerful to be spoken. And this man is The Doctor.

When I met him, and he whisked me away in his little blue box, I started seeing a light. I no longer felt like I was falling. Don't get me wrong, I was still a long while away from reaching the top, though now I was suspended in the air, bright light peering through, guiding me upwards. My legs would kick and my arms would punch, this time with motive. I was swimming back up to the surface.

And I could feel him waiting. Often now I could imagine his smile as he greeted me, the hand he'd offer as he'd lower me onto the ground. Life would have colour again. All in aid of him.

"Y/n," He'd whisper and I'd just look at him as though he'd hung the moon and stars, just for me. "Welcome home."

I stir in bed when I heard my name being called. I blink, then squint as my eyes adjust to the influx of light. I want to press my head back into the pillow, condemning all of the brightness that bids me goodmorning, but before I can, I feel a hand on my duvet covered hip. The Doctor.

I look up, and he smiles so kindly. "Morning," he says, and I smile in response. He places a cup of tea on the table beside me, then asks softly if I'm going to get up, if I'm going to shower. I nod, saving my breath as my energy gradually heightens.

He exhales softly. He doesn't prod for more answers, he never forces me to move. He allows me to take things at my own pace. And I'm eternally grateful.

His hand makes contact with my face, and he begins to brush away strands of hair that shield my eyes. I just blink up at him, trying my best to speak through body, rather than words. He stares back, and I may be deluded to assume we are both having a conversation in touch, rather than I speaking alone.

After a few seconds pass, he tells me to budge up, so I do. I make room for him in my bed, and he slips in next to me, the mattress creaking as he drops his weight, alongside the duvet wrinkling when he wraps it comfortably around the two of us.

"My Doctor." I mutter as I snuggle into him.

He looks my way, going back to stroking my hair before he responds. "You shouldn't call me that, you know?"

I just blink back absently, waiting for further explanation.

"I chose this name as a promise. Never had to put it into practice before. I don't think I make a very good doctor. Maybe you shouldn't be relying on me to act as yours."

At this, I frown. "How could I think of you as anything but?" I ask, sincerely. "You're too hard on yourself. Every day you fulfill the promise you made. You can't save everyone, Doctor," I tell him, knowing his mind often hovers on the fates of former companions. "But you saved me."

His eyes meet mine once again, and a smile takes over his face. "Yeah?"

Without so much as a second thought, I confirm. "Yes."

He just smiles wider, then leans down and kisses my forehead, forcing me to smile back in return. His hand trails down under the cover until it finds mine, and he laces our fingers together.

"I think you've saved me just as much as I saved you." He speaks.

I rub my thumb on the back of his hand and whisper:

"My doctor."

[shrinking-but-shining]

Can't use tags, sooo... TW: weight, weight loss, depression, mental illness

💚💚💚

Goals?

I'm trying to find goals for 2022. Especially for my health and fitness and weight loss.

I decided to think about 2022 a little, but my mental health is making it rather difficult.

Simply existing feels rather tiring and exhausting and painful.

Now I feel like I don't have enough time left 😥

I didn't go hiking as much last year, so I thought maybe I will set a km goal..?

Also I want to get more active overall, but right now I can't seem to do the absolute minimum 😕

I would like to start jogging with the dog, but I'm scared... Scared I'm too fat, scared I'm gonna hurt myself and tbh scared about putting the work in.

I'm so worried I might fail that I feel like I should better not even start. I feel like I can't endure more self hatred and I can't seem to shake it either or be Kinder to myself. (I know, I'm a mess, my brain is a shit show at this point)

I also need to lose weight, but I have been bouncing up and down a few kilos and am just to all-over-the-place to get a structure and stick to my own ideas. I'm sick of myself.

I'm sorry for the rant. If any of you have suggestions of how to proceed, I'd be very grateful! 💚

[mollydollyjournals]

I wrote out my food plan! No wonder it feels like the right amount - I always feel best eating around 800kcal a day. It comes to the following:

Kcal - 810

Fat - 20.7g

Carb - 54.5g

Protein - 91.6g

Fibre - 8.8g

Salt - 5.8g

It will be a little lower today due to the missing thing, most notably in calories and carbs. 700kcal and about 40g carb. Most of the carbs in this thing come from fruit and veg so I'm not that worried about it, and I didn't bother to calculate sugars. I don't normally pay much attention to macros tbh, but I thought I probably should try a bit so I've written it out here. The salt is a little high...daily recommended limit is 6g and I should maybe go a bit lower. I can take out some of the saltier ingredients. I might not even use that much anyway, I overestimated for most of them (except for things I'd want more of, like protein and fiber).

The macro calculator at healthyeater.com says I should do this:

Low fat is less than 50g a day from what I've read, and low carb is under 100 by some definitions or 30-50g by others. So I think having 20g fat, 90g protein and 50g carb is about perfect for me. And with the perfect calorie count ugh it's too perfect ✨

I put my calorie intake etc into losertown.com and it says I'll be at 115lbs around the beginning of June, losing about 2lbs a week. Or if I go by my BMR given to me by my scales (currently 1382) then I'm at a deficit of about 500kcal a day and will lose at least 1lb a week (assuming 1lb is 3500kcal). Having said that though, 1) this isn't factoring in exercise. I want to exercise as much as I can, but obviously that amount really varies a lot. Either way I should lose more than what they say due to that; 2) I will undoubtedly have some alcohol sometimes, and my cheat meals, or other times I might be made to eat, so then I would lose weight more slowly than what these say; 3) I'm still getting symptoms of liver issues and I do have an underactive thyroid so those can also affect it. I put more exercise into the losertown calculator and it says I'll reach 115lbs by mid May...not a whole lot of difference. So that also implies it's not entirely accurate.

Either way, I do need to exercise. I'm wondering what to do today. It's late and I don't really have much energy. I find housework most exhausting but I don't know if it's actually any more effective, plus it'd be loud, so I don't think I'll do that. I could do a workout video but that feels like the middle option. The easiest would be to go for a walk, but it's freezing cold and raining and the middle of the night... I don't know. I'll have to decide soon I suppose.

The annoying thing is it barely even burns any calories, walking. Or really lots of exercise. I just looked at a website that says I'll burn about 65-70kcal in 20mins of walking...going by that, I'll estimate my workout videos are about 150kcal. I should play DDR again. I used to burn about 600kcal an hour with that. But then I've also found that the intensity of the exercise I do doesn't matter as much as the length of time. Or rather, I can burn myself out doing a short amount of really intense exercise and then probably be too tired to do much more, or I can do a consistent length of time doing something that just raises my heart rate and stuff at least a bit and I'll still lose some weight.

Meh idk I've got into rambling territory again. I should probably...go do a tiny bit of cleaning to see where my energy levels are at, then decide from there what I'm gonna do for exercise. And after that I can make another portion of soup, then that's my food for the day and I'll just try to drink more water until I go to bed.

[pinkweightsproteinshakes]

hey hunnie 😊 You look stunning! I'm working out 4 times a week for like 1,5 - 2 hours. I can see my abs, but I'd like to lose a bit more weight (lost 40 pounds since last year) (my arms and legs look huge compared to my stomach). I do a combination of Cardio, Hiit & Strengh. I'm very curious about what you eat (if you're counting cals, how many do you eat). And maybe your stats. If you don't like to answer that's totally fine 😊❤

Hiii love! Oh my gosh that is absolutely incredible you should be so proud of yourself!! It sounds like you have an amazing workout regime and as far as I can tell you are completely killing it in the gym. So my faq has some information about the type of meals/groceries I typically eat in a day if you’re curious, but I wrote it so long ago I’ll do a little update here! (I should really update my faq now that I think about it) So, I used to count calories around my senior year of high school because I was focused on bulking at that point and wanted to make sure I was consuming enough calories with that goal in mind. However, it became really burdensome over time. That being said, I do think it was a good experiment, if you will, because it really taught me a lot about portion size and a balanced diet and so switching to intuitive eating, which I do now, was much easier because of that base line portion understanding. I strive for an 80/20 balance in my daily diet. Personally, I love how eating healthy, nutrient dense food makes my body feel, but I do have an INTENSE sweet tooth (real life, I had a 2 day hangover this weekend, didn’t leave my bed for 36 hours, and made it through 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s and 1 Tellenti) so I always make sure to fit in sweets and cravings here and there (usually on the weekend when I go out to eat with friends or go out drinking at night). I’m in college, so drinking is a factor (I probably drink 2-3 times a week during the school year, 1-2 times a week during the summer) so that’s why flexibility is so important to me. And I am 5′9 and personally I don’t like to share how many calories I eat in a day (to be honest I don’t even know right now haha I try to just listen to my body and I am focused on kind of maintaining my physique right now rather than being in a surplus or deficit) or my weight because so many things from body composition, genetics, to your metabolism/workouts affect how many calories you need and I just don’t want anyone to unnecessarily compare their intake or weight to mine (you’re very sweet to give me the option to answer though!)

That being said, here’s what a typical intake looks like for me:

-Breakfast: I always always have oatmeal with nut butter (Justin’s almond butter is my ultimate love) and coffee. I will never tire of this combo. I take one magnesium and one multi-vitamin with it.

-Lunch/dinner: I switch up my meals so I don’t get bored but I love making huge loaded salads with romaine lettuce, veggies (brussel sprouts, mushrooms, zucchini, green peppers, cucumber, carrots, celery, etc), fruit, nuts, raisins, croutons, and a great vinaigrette and some type of meat, I like to grill meat with different seasonings/fruit salsas and have some type of carb on the side and veggies, I like breakfast for dinner in the form of eggs (scrambled, omelets, poached, hard boiled) w/ english muffins and fruit, fish w/ fruit salsa, soup (goulash, chicken, miso, I’ll try almost any soup tbh), and then I like to get creative and make things like cauliflower stir fry or spiralized veggies or just trying random recipes that I find online that put a spin on traditionally ‘healthy’ foods. I also have a super foods green supplement that I’ll take if I’ve been eating more processed food than usual and want to make sure I’m getting enough nutrients in.

-Snacks: Power Crunch bars (my favorite protein bar ever), Fit Crunch bars, Quest bars, cereal (might low key be my biggest carb source of the day haha I looovee cereal and usually have a bowl before bed...I just try to find ones that aren’t too high in sugar), fruit, granola, veggies and humus, oatmeal, greek yogurt (recently made greek yogurt popsicles w/ granola and frozen grapes, which were amazing), eggs, trail mix, protein shakes, bread w/ jam or nut butter, rice cakes w/ nut butter/jam/fruit

And then if I’m craving something sweet I might have ice cream or a cookie after dinner or go out for dinner and order whatever I like! Hope this helps and definitely keep me updated on your fitness journey and message me any more questions you have! xx