#i don't need to study for math
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oh shit i have to do requests
#(☆) ramble.#exams end tomorrow but fuck it we ball#i don't need to study for math#ohhh mikosys#(holds them tenderly in my hands)#my lovelies i missed them
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the fact that the genetic lottery rolled sensory processing issues severe enough that just regular chilling hanging out existing in my physical human body can be so overwhelming I am too exhausted to do basic tasks is a real fuckin snake eyes situation there is a lot about autism that I truly love and am genuinely grateful for but ripping all the labels off the sensory knobs and givin em a random spin is not fucking one of them
#my number one problem is that I don't know what most people experience yknow#like I have nothing to compare my experiences to sometimes#this is probably why people have therapists huh someone to check your math#shit that actually does sound appealing it's just so much work to find someone whose math I can trust#cause I'm not interested in being more paletable I just want to be more comfortable#I simply need more data ykwim#man I shoulda stuck with psychology I could be doing some dope studies#instead I have to worry about capitalism and rent and buying groceries#which is really cutting into my human behavior data collection time#you'd think they could be done simultaneously but unfortunately I cannot participate and observe
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saw a man so beautiful i cried
#my reaction to him needs to be studied scientifically#(the scientist needs to be jan and i don't care that it's not connected to math)#who gave him the right#nacko jordan my beloved#nace jordan#joker out
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tmi thursdayyyy
thank u to my beloveds @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @eybefioro @ineffabildaddy @captainblou for the tags in that order. i think <3
my wips...
transitional heart taxidermy (almost done...)
the hanahaki one
the house of leaves one
i have other dead wips (the bible fic and the freudian theory fic) but i think i've answered all i can about them already lol. all under the #fearandfics tag
ask me about:
my wips
fanfic writer questions here and here and also here
send a made-up fic title and i’ll tell you what i would write to go with it
if u have anything else to say/ask about my fics then go for it :)
writer mutuals pspsps (no pressure) @knifeforkspooncup @midnights-dragon @sabotage-on-mercury
#fearandhatred#doing this because i have a harrowing day ahead of me and i need a BREAK 💀#2.3k word portfolio due today AND a math test this evening i have to study for. no i love it here really#deleted one of the “ask me about” prompts bc i don't like it lmfaooo#also trying to tag the mutuals i haven't tagged often. NO PRESSURE THOUGH just vibes#good omens#tag game#q
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one million creative ideas rushing into my head whenever i have to do any amount of hard work:
#maybe I should've been a little more stressed out about finals#😔#im suffering the consequences now#i hate studying#but also not#i think it's more of the action of putting my brain to use for something I don't particularly enjoy or feel the need to do#like i kinda enjoy history and math but i dont wanna take an exam for it#starts crying#send help#i just wanted to draw some silly sanuso 😞#my rambles
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(ITS BEEN????? A MONTH??????? IM SO SORRY FOR BASICALLY DYING BUT IM HERE AND IM BACK AND IM STILL READY TO DRAG ROMA KICKING AND SCREAMING OUTSIDE THAT CASTLE (if you want <3))
Roma! My sweetest angel!!!! The last time we talked I believe you asked for a breather and I life may have taken that a little too literally! But I hope you're ready and less horny (and hopefully you have some fresh gossip because I'm dying to know what I've missed these last few weeks)! You're not gonna wuss out on me, are you? I'm fully prepared to pelt you with more eggs if need be.
(Gorgeous, how have you been! I saw on Twitter you finished your second exam, congrats! That's so exciting!!! Sorry again for totally leaving you hanging for a month, life has been very hectic lately. But I am back now! And I'd love to keep sending you silly asks if that's alright! Also, your art lately has been gorgeous!! The villain Roma stuff, the designs, those Spamano ones, they're all amazing! For my own selfish reasons I am in love with the idea of Spain being the light and you bringing him back, but I can totally understand your hesitation haha. But just know I fully back the idea and I think it'd be so cute!! Ah I'm so happy to be able to send you asks again, I've missed you!!)
(Also, signing off with an emoji will def help me find my asks in the future, and I'd love for you to assign me one! Any ideas?)
#hetalia fairy au#art#hetalia south italy#hws south italy#hetalia romano#hws romano#aph romano#aph south italy#ask answered#hetalia#hws#if it makes you happy#the light is very much based off of spain#personality wise and look wise#lmao#oh btw regarding the emoji thing#I do use the tag ask answered#and since I don't get many asks (besides your very much appreciated ones) you can also find them easily via that#also sorry for the delay#I still have two exams ahead of me#but everything will be back to normal soon#well#I will need some time ti study up maths#because I fucking flunked that one :')#but ayee at least I can get drunk soon enough
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Me: I got a 25 on the ACT!
Mom: it won't get you into BYU, especially with your math grade the way it is.
Me: I have a 3.7 GPA, and I can always retake the ACT?
Mom: you're going to need a really good admissions essay if you want to get into BYU.
Me: thanks, mom.
#25 without even studying#so anyways now i don't want to tell her about my AP test score#it's a 3 which means that I passed#but at the same time#I'm always told to do better#and there's no validation there#just do better so you can get into your dream school#like mother. i'm trying!#but do you know what straight a's get me? panic attacks every time i get anything less than an A#do you want to repeat 9th grade where i was told that every second counted towards college and you'd have to hold me#as i cried at 10 pm at night because I thought I wasn't good enough#and it's taken me literal years to finally reach the conclusion that my grades aren't everything and even then i still panic#whenever i get anything less than a C#the math grade was an outlier from a set of horrible circumstances#i finished 11th with 5 A's two B's and a D and you come after me for the D#it's always 'do better; your grades suck' when I have one bad grade#i'm taking 3 AP classes next year because I want to college credit#I was on the honor roll the entirety of junior high#I'm working towards a chord at graduation#maybe one day i'll be praised for everything i've sacrificed just to be good enough#i know that I need better grades and scores for BYU#and I've literally been working my ass off to get into BYU my entire life
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past me would be rolling in her fucking grave if she found out that present me is the kind of math nerd who loves doing calculus
#IM GETTING MORE ENJOYMENT FROM DOING MATH THEN I EVER HAVE FROM ANY OF MY ART CLASSES. GOOD GOD#im giddy solving derivatives rn#can't believe I'm a math and physics nerd this is insane#ALSO GUESS WHAT#so I'm taking physics as a summer class right#i thought it was regular physics#but APPARENTLY its engineering physics (which is fine I need that for my degree)#and engineering physics needs calc 2 (which I have) and general/highschool physics (which I haven't done) as prereqs#SO NOW IM GONNA HAVE TO TRY AND CRAM AND STUDY AGAIN#I've been doing okay in the classes so far thankfully#but my surprise when I walked into class and the prof started talking like “you all know this already right”#no actually#I don't know how this happend#I think it's because I'm not taking it at MY college I'm taking it at my local community college#and so they just didn't ask for prereqs. they didn't ask for any proof at all they just took my money and let me enroll#incredible how I keep winding up in these situations#lilac post
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btw to filipino moots im gna be an arenean B) or iskolar ng bayan who knows!
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#my only choices for college r the big 4 personally i'm so sorrey ... but minus ust tbh bcs i rlly dont want to be a thomasian LOL#IT'S JUST REALLY PERSONAL i don't like the culture of ust & etc . i have my reasons. dlsu is ok but ateneo or up is my Dream#may be a surprise but i've always been a straight a student and real smart :3 even in anything to do w filipino#but that is the one thing that drags my grades (slightly) down ..... but my math is so exemplary and i get perfect computer anything always#bs cs future major hereee but since i want ateneo i'm going for dual degree cs bs-dgdd#yeehaw i never talk abt really real life stuff like this but this is still okey#one day u might get a face revea but only for my eyes bcs im sorta obsessed w and unfortunately think im really cute. so#ANYWAY !!!!! excited for college tbh. scared. but yes!#i havent finished my admu app but it is due friday i am so crazy LMFAOOOOOOO but i have recos alr <3 yay <33#rlly confident in myself but i want to be careful and really get what i desevre. gna do my best and try to get top 15% AND MAYBE even 200#but that one specifically is sorta crazy but tbf i could achieve it if i study a bit more :P so ya#it's amazing bcs ... english is literally second nature to me BUT i am and have always been amazing at math & sci#always been a math kid and sci kid AND art kid AND eng kid and music too and computer#idk. just proud of myself. i love me lol#there's a lot to it but no need to get into specifics :3 im just happy w myself yay!
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...
#myself#yk I would love to be a full time housewife#like genuinely#no work and just spending time with kids running errands allat#no job no worries#or I would love to just work#why do I have to get a fucking degree when I can literally do FUCKING EVERYTHING I DO AT WORK without a degree already?!?!#like I will gladly be the idiot running around or driving around for others I don't need a degree for that#why the actual fuck did I do dual studies where now somebody cares about my grades and if I get kicked out of uni they care#like why couldn't I come from a family that would allow me to do it and would fund full time uni?!?!#I would rather owe my parents money than some company#like my company is great (meh) my coworkers are great and I love them all#but god everything is so messed up and I hate it#I just wanna be a full time student with 2 months of break every other month...#I wish I had actually pulled trough on the au-pair year or exchange year or whatever#then I wouldn't have all these issues now#I would much much rather go do Einzelhandel like there was this great Ikea offer...#but when I started looking into other things my parents never liked it like bro wtf happened to wanting to let me chose my own thing#anyways I have to do my maths homework now and drive myself even more insane cause suddenly I don't feel prepared for the oral exam at all#like it's in a week and I feel like I know nothing....
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It's honestly crazy how many proana/ed tags there are on this site. I blocked a bunch of them back when I was recovering from an eating disorder and lookign back some of them are censored in absolutely insane ways. I kid you not my blocked tags list looks like a screenshot from the matrix
#If anybody ever needs an ed trigger block list hmu cause I think mine is pretty comprehensive#don't go digging through that side of tumblr to block people like i did trust me please#i must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study math and philosophy and all that jazz#ed mention tw
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Save me dramatic sci-fi movie soundtracks while doing homework. Dramatic sci-fi movie soundtracks. Save me...
#🔭.txt#really need the oppenheimer soundtrack to convince me that I'm doing something important while studying#pleaaassseeeee#i need motivation#i can't fail this final#i've already failed both midterms#i need a massive curve as well#i did the math: with no curve even if i get a perfect score on the final i'll have a 70 in the class#so i need a good grade AND a big curve#the other people in this class are so terrifyingly smart#what are they doing that i'm not#what are they being fed to be like this#i just want to pass physics#correction: i NEED to pass physics#preferably with like a b but i don't want to me too ambitious
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guh I really don't want to study when i'm stressed but i'm feeling extremely guilty for not studying right now or recently but thats just making me MORE stressed about it aaauugghhhhhh
I don't want to study right now!!! I want to do something fun and fulfilling!!!! please!!!! i don't want to do it out of guilt and expectation!!!!! i'm not gonna learn anything if i do :((
#✨ Tv Static ✨#its easy math since i'm going through 3rd up to 8th grade math (or whatever is essential) but mmmm i don't want to!!!#everythings been boring and the same and its hard to focus!!!!! when theres no stimuli in my enclosure!!!#and i'm afraid of just being stupid as hell!!!!#it was easier to study when i didn't NEED my GED and i could pursue it of my own will....
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the way im paying £9250 per year for my professors to screenshot a textbook, paste it onto slides, and read from the slides for an hour. then i buy the textbook for £4.44 on ebay and its much easier to learn from than any of my lectures
#i can literally just read it and learn. for 4 quid#biomed eng#sorry for ranting i don't go here anymore i'm just#sick of it#reallyy want to drop out i am so close to my limit#there's so little joy left from anything in the vast range of stuff i have to study right now#this textbook subject (physiology) included#when i get to build a circuit with my hands or do maths or something it's so nice. otherwise absolute shit#it has sucked the fun from an incredible field/discipline/career whatever and is now sucking the life out of me#😭😭😭 srry for the dramatics i need to listen to sle//ep t/oken RIGHt now
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I am experiencing... frustration.
#monster noises#why must the ideas you can see the clearest in your head be the hardest to capture?#I'm trying to make a new phone lock screen#(currently I'm using the drawing of laz and heis on the motorcycle and while I looove that image it's been there for a few years now)#and I have a very Precise Idea of what I want it to be#in the same style as I did my FaHI playlist cover#but I can't seem to get the thumbnail looking in anyway Correct#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening#then when I try and like actually figure out what I need to Fix it's like my brain blanks out and I"m stumbling around completely clueless#and then I just start uselessly spiraling and just AUGH#why can't I have the kind of brain that hits a barrier and proceeds to problem-solve?#why do I have to have a brain that hits a barrier and just.. rolls over in defeat#not even a tantrum or a breakdown#just#0 resistance laying down and giving up#it's stupid and I'm mad about it but I still don't know what to do about it at all#I wish I could explain it in a way that would allow someone to maybe be able to help me actually#cause it seems every time I try there's always some fundamental misunderstanding about Which Step In The Process Is Challenging#like that one time I tried asking about it on twitter#asking if anyone had resources for How to be better at learning from and interpreting references/doing studies#or just learning for art purposes in general (in a way that won't cause me to Break Down)#and people linked a bunch of how-to's on how to Draw from Reference#and I know those /Sound/ like the same thing but they arrrrren't#and I know those people's heart's were in a good place but I know How to use a reference#I know How to do a life drawing or a study#I get it on a practical level#but there is something fundamental to the process of interpreting and understanding what exactly I'm doing that I just...#Don't Have#and That's really really Really hard to explain#it's like how I'm actually good at math I just can't do word problems because I can't glean what is required of me from a word problem.
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Oh if only my parents would let me rehearse in the living room
#i need space#for the record my father always watches tv in another room and i study in the living room#of course when i need to study he goes to the living room to watch tv#and now that I've finished (and i had to go in the kitchen ofc) he's still there doing idk what#and i need to be left alone in there because Wednesday is close#the sense of despair i felt earlier was also because i have plans but I don't think they'd allow me to leave this fucking place#i can't pay rent with private maths lessons#i need a partner so we can share
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