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mxrobotlegs · 1 year ago

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My Journey

hey! in celebration of Pride Month, I'm going to finally write about my Gender Journey™ (because the word "transition" doesn't quite describe it) throughout the past 5 years and my life as a whole. I hope that this will allow someone else to get something out of my experiences, now that I've decided to record all this down. to be honest, I hadn't done this yet as I only just now figured myself out to a level where I'm comfortable discussing all this publicly, and this is where I decided I'd put it!

Childhood

let's start out with the beginning. I was assigned male at birth and raised in a conservative area of northern Florida (yuck, I know). throughout my childhood, I always felt like being a "boy" wasn't right for me. I had to deliberately act masculine to fit in, and even then, it all felt like I was just performing for them and that I wasn't really part of the group. this wasn't the only experience I had back then that was like that, either.

privately, I had a desire to wear feminine clothing and makeup. I even did so secretly by using my mom's collection while she was away from the house. I enjoyed this and it made me happy, but I also felt guilty because "boys" being feminine didn’t go without ridicule at the time and I was doing it behind her back. I told my mom what I was doing due to the guilt. despite her having conservative values, she was surprisingly supportive at the time, even offering to help me try on other clothes of hers. however, I had too much anxiety about accepting her offer and what would happen to me if I did so I ended up dropping it.

all my curiosity at the time in gender expression also led to me looking up "boy to girl" transformation videos and other stuff like that on YouTube and other websites, but I didn’t learn about queer people in a positive way from any of that. this was all happening around 2008 or 2009, so the web wasn't super accessible back then and I was an 8- or 9-year-old newbie. school didn't help, either, since I was being home-schooled with a Christian curriculum, which of course would not mention such topics. the only real expression of any sort of femininity that I had was occasionally having older girls tie up my hair in a ponytail just to "tease" me (I totally didn't enjoy it with an ulterior motive). this was also around the time that the show "I Am Jazz" was popular, but I didn't feel that I was like her, either, nor did I think it was possible for me to be like her since I viewed my gender as immutable. as a result, I dismissed my feelings, and I wouldn't think about them for years to come.

Adolescence

fast forward 8 years to when I'm 15 or 16. after years of toxic masculinity, I started thinking about my identity again. however, this time, I’d been exposed to transgender communities online such as "r/egg_irl," and I was confused by them as I thought that anyone would press that button. you know, the one which would instantly turn them into the opposite gender (of course they would!). I asked my friends, all guys, this same question and every single one said "no." this was my first wake-up call that maybe I'm not as cisgender as I thought I was, and that maybe I should consider HRT. I also thought about working inside my assigned gender and wearing stuff like utility kilts (don't say a word) just so that I could wear clothes closer to what I could wear if I was a different gender than a "guy." needless to say, I did not go through with the kilt idea as my friends and other people thought it was strange and most of my anxiety at the time came from other people's thoughts about me, unfortunately.

in 2015/16, U.S. discourse about queer people wasn’t great as anti-SJW movements were at their peak back then and gay people were often the butt of their jokes, making coming out of the closet seem like social suicide at the time. this terrified me as I started to realize that I needed to do something about my feelings despite all the negativity, so I researched the topic further. it only solidified my desires. at the time, I was also planning to go to the U.S. Naval Academy in a year, having been in NJROTC since the start of high school. this made my anxiety that much worse as it would be rough for someone in the middle of HRT.

I decided to tell my mom how I felt a couple of months later, and she said what I feared most: that I had to choose between living my life as the true me and the Naval Academy, my dream. by then, I had already went through much of the admissions process and been accepted (a huge pain), and this threw me back into the closet for years to come as I didn't want to give up on my ambitions. funny enough, a year later in June of 2017, I started my time at the Academy with their version of first-year indoctrination, and I decided the whole military thing wasn't for me and dropped out (painful, I know).

Early-Adulthood

despite the Naval Academy situation, I was able to get into Florida State University at the last moment in July 2017 and move out of my parents' to live off-campus in a small studio apartment. the next six months were the most miserable, lonely period I’ve ever experienced. I holed up in that apartment until I got my first girlfriend (and she was straight) in December of that year. let's call her "Stinky." she and I went on a break a couple months later in early 2018 after an argument, so I went to visit my parents back in my hometown to escape from her. during the visit, the feelings that I was experiencing before I went to the Academy resurfaced. this led to me telling my mom how I felt again, but I stuck to my guns this time, insisting that this was what was right for me. I also told her that I didn't want her to tell my dad yet as I was worried about how he would react (he was my role model and a Vietnam War veteran). she agreed, and she said she would need some time to think about all this. I drove back to university.

their reaction wasn't great, to say the least. my mom called me later and said she was upset about the news. I decided to go back home the next weekend to talk with her about it in person as I was concerned. during our discussion, she went on to dismiss my feelings and make it seem like I was making a mistake, implying heavily that I will be some sort of freak at the end and that the process would be long and difficult. strangely, my dad was distant the entire time. while I was on a drive with him, I confronted him about his behavior, and he then told me to not act on my desires until "after he was dead." I guess that she had told him despite my wishes. this whole situation threw me back into the closet, again, because I naturally valued my parents and didn't want to lose them. I told them to forget about it and that it was just due to me being sexually frustrated.

however, I couldn't fend off my feelings for long after that. I was back to dating Stinky. I tried to keep the act up for my parents as well as her, but it took less than half a year this time for it to fall apart. it was May 2018, and I started to feel that I needed to do something or I would have to deal with gender misery forever. I thought, "well, if nobody is going to support me, I'll just have to do it myself without any of them knowing and deal with the consequences later." Stinky and I had planned a vacation to Miami to visit her family later in the year during August, and I figured out a way to get HRT, using the trip as an opportunity.

the plan was that at the end, I would fly back to Tallahassee while she spent some more time with her family down South. in May, I had secretly scheduled an appointment with Planned Parenthood (using informed consent) that would take place during that brief time we were apart. this was so that I wouldn't have to go to a psychologist as I was still an 18-year-old and it would cost too much. I drove 4 hours to Orlando (the nearest location to Tallahassee that offered HRT), completed the appointment, and drove 4 hours back.

my prescription for spironolactone and estradiol was filled the day that Stinky came back. I decided that I should tell her what I was doing and that I needed this. she became distraught and made me feel guilty, but I stood my ground and took my first dose that same day. 1 week later, I went to a cryogenic storage appointment before the medication started taking effect in earnest so that I would have the option in the future of having biological kids (no matter how unlikely that seemed at the time). I also started laser hair removal for my facial hair shortly after. the next couple of months were rough, with her frequently telling me how terrible I made her feel due to my changing body, but also that she still didn't want to break up with me. she was disgusted by the effects of HRT. this didn't help my state of mind as I still wanted to continue dating her, too, even though this relationship was obviously not healthy for either of us.

in October 2018, just a couple of months later, I deluded myself into thinking I could repress my feelings for her and stopped taking the medication, even watching anti-trans media to attempt to reinforce that effort. this didn't work as less than a month later on November 16th, I realized that living a lie for someone else was a terrible idea and I started taking the medication again (I haven't stopped since). we continued "dating," but it was dysfunctional, with her eventually losing attraction to me. we broke up in the second half of 2019. she was still my roommate for months afterwards (which was terribly painful and filled with drama).

during that mess of a relationship, however, I also had to plan for my parents' reaction. I wouldn't be able to hide this from them forever. expecting a similar outcome to what happened in 2018, I did everything I could to become independent just in case they disowned me or wanted to have leverage in a confrontation. whether it was financial (I took my money out of their bank account and put it into my own), or alternative transportation in the case that they took my car (I bought a motorcycle), or even health insurance (I obtained new insurance through my university), I got it done. in February of 2019, I was completely independent, even leveraging my status as a veteran from my time at the Naval Academy to obtain educational grants that would otherwise be unobtainable due to my parents' income (they weren't even paying for my education to begin with!).

this turned out to be a wise decision as during a visit to my parents in May, I would be forced to come out to them after almost 6 months of continuous HRT. my parents noticed subtle changes like a feminine bracelet I wore around them, that I was shaving my legs, and that my face looked softer, but I think that I still went largely under the radar. I explained the changes as being normal "guy" stuff (for example, shaving your legs helps with swimming, of course). one day, my parents and I went out shopping. my mom and I walked into a shopping center while my dad waited in the car. as she and I were chatting on the way in, she patted my back and felt the bralette that I was wearing to conceal the effects of HRT. she said, "what is that?" and glared at me. I cursed my negligence and told her what she didn't want to hear. she was silent as we walked into the store and said that I was "mutilating my body" as we walked out. we got back into the car and drove home with my dad. the drive felt terrifyingly slow, and I didn't know what awaited me when it was over.

this time, however, I decided that I wasn't going to let this narrative be controlled by my parents. as soon as we got home, I told them that I wanted to have a conversation with them. I explained to them that I had been taking feminizing hormones for over six months and that this was the right decision for my happiness. I endured verbal abuse from my mom and silence from my dad. she said things such as "you're confused," "nobody will love you," "you'll get beat up," "you'll be ugly," and even "you're mutilating your body" again. to this day, I still do not forgive her for what she said that night, and how could I? after she was done with her assault, I explained very plainly: "you will either have a daughter or you will have no child at all." that seemed to resonate. they said that were so resistant to all this out of "love" for me. I told them my experiences and why I was doing this. I also explained that my gender expression is separate from my sexuality, which isn't changing. they didn't know or care about any of that until then. they had to listen to me, and they had to accept me. and if they didn't accept me, they would lose me, either by me never talking to them again, or by suicide if I had to continue performing the gender they wanted.

today, they are strong advocates for queer rights after ultimately deciding to stand behind my choices. they even supported my desire to get multiple gender-affirming surgeries in late 2020. but I don't know how it would have turned out if they had had leverage over me back then, and I didn’t want to find out.

Adulthood

a couple of months after Stinky and I’s breakup, to cope with it (I felt like it was my fault even though it wasn't) and the discomfort about my changing body, I escaped into virtual reality. for the next couple years, my social life was almost entirely on the internet as I didn't have to deal with anxiety and could present myself exactly the way I chose. this immersive world helped me discover the new me and how I wanted to act. I experimented with the way I talked, the way I acted, my disposition, and many other things, until I found a persona, my persona. I even experimented with my sexuality and determined that yes, I’m still not attracted to masculine people and no, I’m not entirely opposed to polyamory.

some more time passes - 2021, two years ago - despite “finding myself” through years of socialization and personal introspection, I still put myself inside the gender binary (I blame my upbringing). I thought that I had to be either a man or a woman, and that anything else outside of that box wasn't a real option for me. for whatever reason, I also had this misconception that being non-binary wasn't being, well, non-binary, but instead still having to fit somewhere on the binary spectrum despite its name, just not necessarily at either end.

at this point, in all ways, whether by government ID or by gender presentation, I was a woman. my friends and family all knew me as a woman, I identified as a lesbian, and I thought this was the end. after 3 years, nothing could change.

but despite everything, I still never truly felt like a "woman" or even a "girl" despite my “transition” being as complete as it could be. I would subconsciously refer to myself as a "person" or in the case of my parents, their "child," or relating to my S.O., her "partner." anything else didn't feel right when others said it or even when I said it to myself. this feeling wasn't something new to me, either. previously, I had chalked it up to dysphoria making me think that I didn't yet deserve to be a "woman" and that's why I didn't feel comfortable yet. but, realistically, it had to be something else. it should make me happy to be gendered "correctly." which it did, initially, as I was struggling to pass in public during the start of my transition (I viewed it as an accomplishment). but now that I was passing as a “woman” nearly all the time, however, it made my stomach turn when a person referred to me with gendered terms. that feeling wasn't present when someone referred to me as “she” or even “they,” and I couldn't figure out why.

outside of the very start, my gender presentation has never been very feminine. I mostly wear androgynous clothing. I tried wearing makeup, and to my surprise, I determined that I liked myself without makeup more. my interests don't really consist of traditionally feminine things, and I stopped shaving my legs (my parents complained about that one). I've played with the possibility of being non-binary, but it still never really resonated with me and I felt like it just wasn't the right fit.

I've now been on this journey for almost 5 years. last Friday, while I was at the dentist, I noticed that my hygienist was confused by my gender presentation due to how she stumbled between she and he pronouns every other sentence when referring to me. I was amused because generally someone would decide what they thought I was, stick to one set of pronouns, and I would correct them if needed. the situation felt comical, almost unreal, and it made me think about how glad I was to not have to be in her shoes. she then brought me to the front desk after she was done with the cleaning and I corrected her with a simple “she” when she started to talk about me again (my initial amusement had worn off). the hygienist became flustered and I smiled. this made me think, “why do I enjoy someone else’s confusion about my gender?” I’d experienced this feeling a couple of times in the past but I’d never given it much thought.

now, thanks to way too much self-analysis (and my partner’s love and support, of course), I have found the reason for these feelings and why labels never fit me. it’s because I simply do not think of myself in gendered terms. I’m just “me.” I was also never comfortable referring to myself as transgender, now knowing that it was because it implied that I went from being one gender to being another (which never felt accurate). being a “woman” also started to feel like it was holding me back, making me realize that the explanation is that I just…

don't have a gender.

agender it is. let's say that I have transcended the concept of gender entirely. fuck having a gender. who needs one? I sure don't. I never have.

happy Pride!

#lgbtq #agender #lesbian #gender #euphoria #dysphoria #gender identity #identity #pride #pride month #story #me

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cursedfortune · 1 year ago

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“ I’m not used to letting people close. i don’t like being vulnerable— but i want to, with you. i want to let you in. ”

(with Rii ;v; )

My Brand. @fctedivided

She knew the signs. Of course she knew the signs by now.

Mortem never sought to inspire such particular emotions within another - not unless she was within a more chaotic swing and it benefitted her purpose to manipulate the minds and emotions of mortals. One could consider that business but this... this was personal. Or, at least, as personal as a witch could be allowed to be back where she was from.

Rii was also a witch, one of her kind but different. Different almost on a species level - where cultures differed. Witches from different worlds. It had been fascinating to experience but she never intended for this. To have stayed this long, to have allowed for this possibility to arise. Because truthfully, Mortem was still trying to sort out her own feelings. The moment she saw the signs of Rii's interest she knew she had to dedicate her thoughts into considering if the interest was mutual.

Weeks, months, time itself passed and she was no closer to having an answer.

Rii liked Mortem in all the ways Mortem wasn't used to anymore. Not since she was convicted as a traitor and exiled. That was so long ago. It felt impossibly far away from the days when others were vulnerable with her - even if she could not, at that time, be vulnerable with them.

This was... confusing. The usual playful or calm visage of the plum haired witch shifted; brows creasing yet not angrily, just in the midst of her uncertainty. But silence would only promote negativity after Rii shared something so personal and despite Mortem's internal struggle she at least cared enough to minimize any of that.

"I'm not familiar with it either." Honesty. It was a good step forward, wasn't it? The witch often had no reason to lie and so she didn't but this was different. It took quite a bit not to pull back and allow her hermit ways, her time of isolation to be a wall between them. "I don't like being vulnerable. Or, ah, I wish to be but I see no path for myself in this life where I can be." Fingers slipped into her fallen locks to push them back behind an ear. It felt terrible to admit such, to expose an inner thought but Rii deserved the truth if she was going to be so sincere herself. It was clear Mortem's shoulders were a bit tense and she seemed intent at the moment to be just out of physical reach as she processed Rii's confession. "If being vulnerable is something you wish to include in this then I will not deny you it. I will honor and protect whatever you share. But you must be forewarned, I do not know of my capabilities when it comes to returning it. I do not know if I just need time or if I am forever this way - but if you are patient with me, I will be patient with you on this journey. And we can see just what comes of it, perhaps?"

#fctedivided #asks #this has been in there for a hot minute but i'm slowly trying to clear out stuff sdgfdghfhjg #tbh i think i just need more engagement with them to get a better idea how mortem may feel but #hey. she's being transparent so i think that's a good sign that rii has weight in her life #if that makes sense?? xD

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hospitalterrorizer · 1 year ago

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diary29

10/3-4/2023

nothing much. we'll cover all the rugs with cheap perfume.

nothing much happened today, i recorded little pieces for 2 songs, i got to do the super noisy stuff i wanted to do for the remaster of the single i put out, plus i added some screaming, and i added new vocal layers/replaced some/removed some for the next single. that's exciting, i think now the kicks are too loud in that song, and maybe i could bring the bass up a touch.

so much of this is like, touch and go, tomorrow i don't know what i'm gonna do, probably one of the new short songs, and then, i guess i'll see about one of the songs that i think needs a lot of work re: guitars and just throw vocals onto that to try, since i have them written.

my gf wants to go to another drag thing tomorrow so i need to be up earlier and stuff, today we're going to see a queen who almost won last season of rupaul's. it feels strange talking about it, because only from her has it leaked into my life. or i dunno. leak in makes it sound negative, when you live with someone, your interests get all over each other. i think i'm quieter about my stuff, so it's like, only sometimes i talk about whatever, but there's stuff that's just always involved with me that's probably been passed off to her and i don't even realize really. i think i basically like that she's exposed me to drag race so much because it is funny, it's just weird because it's demonstrably kind of commodified a whole part of queer history, and rupaul was there for it, which makes it more complex. looking at old drag magazines and stuff, the definitions were a lot blurrier, they were host to a lot of people who did want to transition essentially, and then people who were like "i'm whatever" also (and in film too you can see this, where it's a blurry undefined thing (meaning what anyone is (thinking in particular about funeral parade of roses (you can see in my eye makeup that i draw my lashes on cuz of that movie)))). it's not that this blurriness every went away or something but there's more lines separating what things are what is for who and so on. maybe that's because i've just been put in a box myself, by the people i've been sorted into being around online (this sounds miserable over it or something, all i am lamenting is maybe a lack of perspective) make greater efforts to delineate and say, over there is that type of person, over here we stand, when there's blurriness, it's different, and so on. it's a frustrating thing, whatever the case.

it's also weird because rupaul basically sucks, but i think it's kind of great, some seasons of the show, it's essentially takeshi's castle for drag queens, it's totally psychotic at points. i'm kind of sad my gf caught up because hearing about what goes on in the show (i couldn't see at a certain point really because he speakers got fucked up somehow and we don't know what to do other than buy new ones at some point) was genuinely super fun/made me happy.

anyways i think my favorite queen was probably alaska . probably an annoying pick but she is kind of a skinny legend.

i didn't read today, but, i dunno, i'm dumb i guess, i feel really stupid, kind of, i dunno. i always worry about being really an idiot.

so i guess, coming off of the feeling like an idiot, to feel more like an idiot, one thing i'm excited about is this one guy's tradition every year of playing a silent hill game on his yt channel, and this year he's gotten to something truly awful, homecoming. i don't know why i'm so excited for that, it's been years since i've seen anyone play that game in full, since i was a kid, back then even i was mega obsessed with the other sh games, but i also had no real sense of quality, so it had cool creatures that were mottled flesh and vaguely tortured, and familial discomfiture, that at least spoke to me, nothing on the level of all of sh1, 2 and 3, but it was like, a strange update on it all and that connected even at the time. what i'm seeing now, is i how strangely it reflected a pretty exact atmosphere of the time, the directing of cutscenes is, much more than anything else, inflicted with so much bullshit prestige tv runoff but directed wrong, and also, saw. the game is so saw, to the point of not understanding anything about sh really beyond few moments, which makes it fascinating. there's this part where alex is in a fucked up elevator and it squeals and shakes and stuff, awful noises are issued, and a huge knife comes through the door and kills him, final destination shit. it's like the game missed the parts of fire walk with me that featured totally broken quotidian things, the eruption of the faulting and failing into daily life, the wailing elevator isn't a horror device, it's simply real life magnified, ending it with a death like that destroys its ability to refer to the tiniest, most forgettable wounds in our daily life, the fear at a world at the edge of not working constantly, and a world that's hostile not because of unseen forces, but because of what we see, its regular operation unmasked as abject/grotesque, or not even unmasked, felt and expressed. so the game fails to be about america in all the subtle ways silent hill was originally (thinking about the billboard in sh2 that says "your ad here" in the sequence where you go to the historical society thru the town). it also misses all the ero-guro art connections and all the game's love affairs w/ the surrealists (bacon + bellmer an obv example but i'd say, sincerely, the first 3/4 end up having artaud and bataille in them, if only by receiving them thru ero guro artist interpretations of those works). instead it trades all that in for a baffling emphasis on wanting to be like the tv show lost (another legendarily bad game was cut from this same cloth, that reboot of alone in the dark). anyways sorting through all this is a joy for me a bit, and also, the ways the game feels like it hits on something meaningful (its posing of regular american christianity as a cult (the games prior do this too but this one feels really so on the nose, but that produces an interesting effect)) or even insightful, it feels like steps away from being a game about evangelical rapture panic and preppers or something. instead it trades in undercurrents in mass culture for attempts at the personal that fail, because it doesn't seem interested in its characters really. it's also such a dude-ist game, the nurses and the military stuff, so weird.

anyways that person who does that yearly is supergreatfriend. i don't know why i like his stuff so much. maybe it's because he's the only guy on yt with a playthru of illbleed that's any good. i love that game, it's also kind of genius. i miss how freely abject horror games used to be, not just gory or scary, but abject, where everything is exaggerated and filthy, not because like, that's scary, but because that's how you feel in a supermarket or mall or hospital for real or something, pr thinking of rule of rose, that's how social reality felt, that cruel and perverse. the exaggeration is only a tool to get you back there, in memory, again. it feels largely gone, maybe because the hd era prevents that level of exaggeration sitting beside "realism" like it used to be able. i dunno. the cheap and trash-like was so much more palpably present in those old games, for me at least, the stuff that for regular operation, had to be ignored, despite its constant presence, facts of life left to anterooms in your head, thoughts forced into being dead ends or whatever. i'd love to figure out why everything feels so much cleaner now. beyond how it's achieved, the cleanliness, i mean in particular why people decided against what was. it felt perfectly capable of approaching what actually unsettled us and prodding us towards reconciliation (not redemption, if anything, an embrace of these horrors/ embrace of the fact of horror, and then the turn away from the sanitary).

everything i like is like that, like books and stuff, i'm always on about that when you let me, but it's october, so i'm allowed, right. well i'll just keep doing it forever i guess, cuz i'm a broken record.

it's just so pretty to me. like yes, my life does feel like spirit halloween all the time, total dirty vomitrocity.

and stuff like this is just unbelievable i think.

this got me on flickr looking at hans bellmer stuff, rarer scans i've not got and also other stuff people tagged as related. i found quite an insane doll artist on there, who took some of the most uncanny photos ever it seems like.

i would like to use these somehow, in something, they're too evocative to not i think. the smudgy digital photography and the near-human figures, it's just so near my heart/how i feel.

anyways i'm stupid , stupid tired. i accidentally typed tied, instead of tied.

anyways, byebye!!

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clean-bands-dirty-stories · 4 years ago

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Special Skill ~ J.P. (part 1)

A/n: After Drive By part 2 WIPED me the fuck out, I tried to rejuvenate myself with some lighter content and ended up realizing that I actually ADORE Bradley Steven Perry, so I went back and watched some old shows and movies he’s in. When I stumbled on Pants on Fire... well, you know I had to ;) This was the piece I was so excited about! It’ll be a two parter because I cannot do all of ANYTHING in one part it seems lmao

Warning: This is male reader and also PURELY self indulgent. Also, LOTS of lying and manipulation. Being ignored. Highschool. Nothing too serious.

Word Count: 5600+

MASTERLIST

Everyone has a special skill. Some people are just really great at school. Some people are fast learners. Some people are natural, easily funny. Some people are good with kids. Some people were fantastic at keeping promises, or never failed to do what they felt had to be done no matter the cost.

Jack Parker's special skill was lying.

Y/n's special skill was being completely invisible.

Not like in a superhero way, but in a high school way. Y/n was really quiet and reserved. He wasn't caught up in the normal high school things like relationships and popularity. In fact, he was withdrawn on purpose, finding most kids his age to be really annoying or ridiculous on some level. He was never rude, but he did prefer people watching and laughing to himself, to actually interacting with others.

He never meant to eavesdrop, it was just that he'd be sitting on the floor, leaning against a book shelf reading a book when someone on the other side of the bookshelf would start talking about something that he tuned into without thinking. Or, his quietness allowed people to forget that they weren't alone while walking or riding the bus and they'd talk loud enough for him to hear when he wasn't too far away. He perhaps could have tried harder to avoid people and give them their space, and he almost had... until one day he'd overheard Jack Parker and his best friend Ryan talking about something so very interesting that it convinced him to never stop listening to people ever again.

Jack Parker was... an interesting person, let's start there. A few people were pretty sure that half the things he said were true out of sheer improbability. However, Jack was such an amazing liar that no one could prove him wrong, and after a while even the ones who disbelieved him the most fell for his confidence and charisma. He just SEEMED like he was telling the truth. Everyone believed Jack when he told them something happened, especially when he became a local hero for tutoring some boy from another school. Mikey.

Well, almost everyone believed him at least. His very best friend, Ryan, knew the truth because Jack had told him. And Y/n knew because he'd been within earshot when Jack had told Ryan in the first place.

It had been what usually happens. The two boys had been in the back of the bus, as they both got off at the last stop - along with Y/n. They didn't know this though, because Y/n sat in front of them, just a few seats. He didn't talk, or even move a lot. He even sunk a lot into his seat as he was quite small, and leaned against the window to look outside, one earphone in his ear. As usual, his weird talent to be invisible no matter how hard he tried - for god's sake he was wearing a neon red jacket that day - he went completely undetected. So when Jack had explained to Ryan that he had lied about Mikey, and what it meant for them, Y/n had been well within ear shot to hear the whole thing.

Y/n could have told someone. Probably should have. But he had... a sort of crush on Jack, and selling him out wouldn't get Y/n anywhere with getting on the boy's good side. Not to mention, there weren't many people that would believe him - if there were any at all. He probably could have figured out a way to show Jack up. To rip apart his tapestry of lies and expose him to everyone. But Y/n believed that mistakes should be learned from. If he exposed Jack now, all that would happen is that Jack's life would be ruined and Jack would hate him. Things would come out eventually, and hopefully it would be from Jack himself. If that damage had to be done, Y/n wasn't going to be the one to do it.

He never really was, though. He never did much of anything.

All of that being said, Jack and Ryan were not the only ones stunned when the very Mikey that had been a ruse, suddenly turned up at school. Solid and smiling and talking and very much real. He passed every test and followed through treating Jack exactly how you'd expect Mikey to be. With him came Jack's super hot girlfriend from Arizona, even though Jack was so obviously crushing on one of the girls at school - Jenny. If that hadn't been bad enough, Jack and Ryan themselves broke into the room where Y/n was having shop class, being chased by lumberjacks who seemed to have it out for Jack. Weirdly enough, that fit another one of Jack's lies - once he'd broken his arm apparently single handedly fighting off two lumberjacks, but Y/n had seen Jack at the bike park the day before, and had seen him fall and break his arm, so he'd known better. Seeing them here now worried Y/n. So of COURSE he offered to take the two men out of the school where they belonged, and used it as an opportunity to dip out of class and follow after Jack to see if anymore of the lies Jack had told had come true.

Maybe even figure out what the hell was going on, and stop it.

Jack probably didn't deserve it, but if this got serious then Jack would be in danger from lumberjacks and aliens and pro wrestlers alike - and those were just the lies Y/n had heard about. Life was hard enough without your life being in danger, and that directly putting others' lives in danger as well. Y/n usually sat back and did nothing, but this wasn't one of those times.

After school, Y/n decided to go home - he wasn't going to follow Jack THAT far. But only the very next day, the rumor that Jack had been outside Jenny's house covered in all kinds of different things - including makeup - Y/n realized that maybe Jack needed an extra pairs of eyes to help him out. Unfortunately, Y/n lost Jack pretty early in the day as none other than Mikey himself approached after having a short exchange with Ryan and Jack. "Hey!" he greeted warmly.

Y/n stared back for a few seconds. Mikey seemed to get uncomfortable - the first negative reaction he'd had to literally anyone his entire time being here. "Hi," Y/n finally responded evenly, narrowing his eyes.

The response seemed to cheer Mikey up again. "Now that I'm transferring schools and coming here permanently, I think I want to make friends outside of Jack. He seems to be close with everyone here on some level, except for you and a few others. Figured I'd try each of you guys until someone - or even all of you - want to be my friend too!"

That made Y/n smirk. "I know you're full of shit."

Apparently, Mikey hadn't been expecting that. "I'm sorry?"

Shaking his head, Y/n scoffed. "I know Jack lied about there even being a Mikey. If you're just here to psyche Jack out, or for some magic thing, why are you trying to be friends with ME? No one wants to be friends with me."

This time it was Mikey who didn't respond right away. "You're less invisible than you think. I saw you in the window yesterday, watching me and Jack. I also saw you take those lumberjacks out of the school, which probably saved the boys a lot of time. I also saw you following Jack around the rest of school after that. You're the only one in this entire school who seems to be questioning anything." He smirked. "I have a friend who would really appreciate your help, especially since you know the truth about Jack... if you wanted to get him back for it."

Okay that wasn't what Y/n had been expecting. "Will I finally know what's going on?" Mikey nodded. "Will I have to participate in duping Jack?"

Mikey only shrugged. "We'll see what she says. Probably not."

How could he say no? "Who's this she, and what are you guys up to?"

Finally, that huge grin returned to Mikey's face. "I'm so glad you asked."

When Hannah had finished explaining the lengths she'd gone to in order to shake Jack up enough to finally tell everyone all he'd been lying about, Y/n had only one thing to say. "So you're lying to him to get him to come clean about lying to everyone else? At least now we know for sure you're both related."

That made her go a little red. "Listen, you have a little sister. You bring her to the fun center all the time." To that Y/n had to nod. "I see the way you sort of blend. I've picked Jack up from school for enough years now that I also notice the way you look at him." Y/n went stiff and Hannah chuckled. "Listen. He's a tool, and I have NO idea what you see in him, knowing what you know. But if you help me do this, maybe I'll help you out with your dilemma."

Y/n crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly not in a very cheery mood. "As much as I appreciate the thought Hannah, I'd rather like him from a distance than have to be friends with a straight boy I've liked for years okay? I'll keep my mouth shut - don't make any other promises you can't keep. Especially because-" Y/n swallowed a thick something caught in his throat. "He likes someone else.

There was an odd look on Hannah's face, but it was hard to read and she wasn't about to explain it which was most clear when she just kept on talking. So Y/n dismissed the look altogether. "Fine, that's fair." They parted ways there as Y/n noticed Jack and Ryan walking over to head home. Y/n had left class early to talk to Hannah in the empty parking lot, but now his time was up. "See you around, Hannah. Good luck." She winked and the boys shot Y/n confused looks as they got in the car and he left. As he went, he could hear them asking Hannah who he was, but she just said that Y/n had been asking for advice because they worked together, and left it there.

With how easy the words had left Hannah, and with how much confidence she'd had, perhaps Jack's talent for lying was more of a family thing than Hannah would like to admit. The thought amused Y/n enough to cheer him up. For now at least.

The next day in PE very quickly ruined his mood again though, as they were set up to play dodge ball. Mikey ended up being one of the team leaders, and he chose Y/n first to be on his team. Everyone was surprised. No one ever picked Y/n first. Even standing in front of them dressed in bright blue and red, he still blended into the crowd and it was often that not until everyone else had been picked they even realized he was there at all. Unfortunately, Y/n knew why Mikey saw Y/n so clearly. Why Mikey had picked him first. And he wasn't happy about it.

During the games, Mikey didn't talk much to Y/n which was appreciated, but the attitude Y/n gave him every time they DID interact seemed to catch Jack's attention - exactly what he didn't want to happen. Especially when a few games in everyone was picked off one by one until Jack and Ryan stood against Y/n and Mikey. Two on two, with Jack's eyes trained on Y/n in a way that made Y/n feel like he was going to explode. Perhaps it was that exact energy that demanded to be used that had driven him to pick up a ball and throw it at Ryan, nailing the red head right in the chest. "Nice shot!" Mikey congratulated. Y/n rolled his eyes.

In his moment of distraction, Jack hit Y/n with a ball as well. Y/n looked over when he was hit and the two boys' eyes locked. Jack seemed to be asking a question Y/n didn't want to even look at. Didn't want to hear, let alone answer. So he ducked his head and dipped, bee lining it for the water fountain on the opposite end of the gym to wait out the rest of the game so he could have as little downtime as possible to interact with Jack. It was that action which caused him to miss Jack nailing Jenny in the face with a ball aimed for Mikey, but he'd hear enough about it later to plenty make up for it.

After class was lunch, and Y/n would have made it peacefully to his usual spot under the bleachers, but Hannah stopped him on the way. Y/n was expecting her to ask him to be nicer to Mikey, but her eyes were only full of concern. "Mikey told me what happened in PE. How Jack noticed you, and how you ran away. He said you looked upset."

Y/n sighed, his shoulders sagging. "Honestly I just..." He wasn't used to having someone care about him, or talking about his feelings. It felt so promising to finally be able to, but also terrifying. Perhaps he and Hannah were in cahoots now, but she had no reason to actually care about Y/n. She was probably only asking to make sure that he didn't slip and tell Jack anything, which gave the thought that once this whole thing was over, she wouldn't care anymore. That meant Y/n could NOT get attached to her. Temporary things weren't worth putting effort into. "Nothing. I'm just used to noticing, not being noticed. Mikey sort of drew attention to me when he picked me first and it threw me off." He shrugged. "Now if you'll excuse me-"

"Hannah?" The sound of his voice made Y/n freeze, perfectly still. Not even breathing. "Drive us to Funland."

"Please?" She prompted, eyes staying purposefully away from Y/n, who kept his back to Jack but was still unfortunately in full view of her.

"Hannah," Jack tried again, voice laced with irritation. "Drive us to Funland. Please." the last word came out sarcastic and sharp. Y/n felt himself relaxed, ever amused by Jack's unceasing attitude.

"No," Hannah answered bluntly, smirking as she crossed her arm. Y/n actually smiled, and that only served to encourage her even more.

"Come on," Jack complained.

Ryan seemed to be less sure about wanting to go though. "We can't go back there," he reminded urgently. "Otis banned us for life." Y/n shot a look at Hannah, whose smirk only grew. Y/n had known for a long time that she worked at Funland - after all, he did take his little sister there like she'd said. He was beginning to wonder what shenanigans he'd been missing out on.

"We have no choice," Jack argued, turning to his friend. "If we want to get rid of Mikey once and for all, we have to find that purple hippo."

That caught Y/n off guard, and without thinking he turned to face Jack, too confused to think clearly. "I'm sorry, you're looking for Hurley?"

Jack only then seemed to realized Y/n was there, and he stopped a second, as if realizing it was the same kid who's been playing dodge ball with Mikey. Ah yes, back to being invisible. "No," Jack picked up again. "We're talking about a purple hippo at Funland who stands around and hands out balloons."

"Yeah," Hannah said this time. "His name's Hurley. And he doesn't hand out balloons."

"Well, when Emma and I went yesterday, Bart was off," Y/n piped up, directing that at Hannah. He didn't want to address Jack yet, and every time he looked at Ryan, the red head had gears turning so visibly not even his narrowed eyes could hold it off.

"That explains it," Hannah affirmed, nodding.

Jack was the next one to pipe in. "How do you two know all this?"

Hannah answered that one. "Jack, I've worked there for two years. I see Y/n there all the time with his little sister."

"Seriously?" Jack's shoulder relaxed, and Y/n realized that he'd pieced together why Y/n and Hannah were so casually talking to each other. He must have paid as close attention to Hannah as he did to Y/n though, because Y/n and Hannah had never really talked until all of the recent stuff that had been happening.

That theory was confirmed when Hannah huffed, "Where did you think I was going for four hours every day after school?"

"Well I don't know." Jack's eyes went wide as he shrugged. "I was just happy you were out of the house." Hannah sighed and took Y/n's arm to drag him after her as she began to walk away. There was only a second before Jack trailed after them, desperation leaking into his voice. "Hannah," he pleaded. "Hannah, please!"

Hannah was strong. Y/n wasn't. He pulled out of her grasp, turning to face Jack. "If you're really set on finding Hurley for whatever weird breakdown you seem to be having, his main habitat is the jungle mini golf course. Look for him there, okay?"

Jack grinned. "I like your new friend Hannah. He's awesome."

Y/n looked away to hide his blush.

"Yeah yeah, now go," Hannah dismissed, and the two boys ran off to go find Hurley. She grinned at Y/n when they were gone. "You know I'm Hurley, right?"

Y/n winced. "I know that now."

She giggled. "It's fine. This could be a good thing actually. They seem lost - I'll give em a little nudge." She leaned closer, bumping her shoulder with his. Her finger on the other arm reached up to tap his nose. "Push him in all the right directions." She winked, and then took off walking without Y/n this time, leaving him with a sinking dread in his stomach.

He pushed it down to take Emily to Funland just like he always did though... which had been a mistake. He thought that it would have been a big enough place to avoid Jack and Ryan, but only an hour later they were heading out of the jungle mini golf course when Ryan walked up to them, which of course meant Jack followed after. "Hey, I never caught your name?"

Y/n wished in that moment he could just die on the spot. "It's Y/n," he answered, hoping that would make Ryan go away. Long story short: it didn't.

"You've been coming here with Emma for a few years," Ryan continued. "Do you have any idea who Hubert could be?”

"Hurley," Y/n corrected tiredly. Ryan nodded. Y/n let his eyes drift away, searching out Emma as she climbed the rock wall. Unlike Jack, he wasn't good at lying. People never asked him questions - they never talked to him at all. But he had to lie. On some level. He DID know who Hurley was, but he couldn't exactly tell Jack that. Damnit Hannah, why did she have to tell him?! "Not really," Y/n finally caved. Ryan rose an eyebrow. "I mean I saw Hurley without a head once when I first came here, but they were fired as far as I know so I'm assuming it's someone new. That was three and a half years ago." It was truthful in full. Aside from the just the story, he didn't really know Hannah personally. He could have told them he knew it was her now, but he just. Didn't. Everything else had enough truth to it that it wasn't hard to sell.

Jack stepped up. "This probably makes no sense to you, but I just wanted to thank you for helping out. I think I've seen you around school a few times, but we've never like talked or anything. I just have to ask... why ARE you helping?"

Y/n shrugged. "I hate lying, and there's no harm in telling you what I did." Only then did he look away from Emma again as she began to reach the bottom of the rock wall, directly into Jack's eyes. "You have a lot going for you. It would be a shame if some unexpected drama were to ruin everything else." Jack's eyebrows came together, but before he could say anything Emma had reached the bottom and had made her way over - as Y/n had intended.

"Who are your friends?" the ten year old asked.

"Not my friends," Y/n corrected in the same nonchalant voice he'd used to remind Ryan of Hurley's name. "Just people I got to school with. They were just leaving-"

Emma's eyes went wide. "Wait, you're Jack aren't you?" Y/n went stiff. "My brother used to talk about you all the time! You're like the coolest kid at his school."

Jack turned his raised eyebrows on again, still aiming them at Y/n. Y/n shrugged. "What teenager who goes unnoticed and completely uncared for doesn't want to be friends with the popular kid?" He put either of his hands on Emma's shoulders, steering her away. "Nice to see you guys, later!"

Unfortunately, Jack didn't leave it there. "No wait!" He jogged over and Emma stopped, which forced Y/n to as well. "You've been cool. I wouldn't mind being friends."

Ironically, Y/n flashed back to what he'd said to Hannah. How much he had so NOT wanted this exact thing to happen. But what could he say. 'Sorry don't want to be friends with my crush, that would suck'? He couldn't that. But else would make sense? "Sure," Y/n sighed.

For some reason, that made Jack smile. "If you guys are set on staying here for a while longer, you can, but you could also come hang out with me and Ryan at my house if you wanted."

Y/n went to decline, but Emma got to it first. "Only if I can come along," she stated firmly. "This is sibling time. You get to join, not interrupt."

"That's fair," Jack agreed. "Come on!" The four kids headed outside after getting Emma's shoes and stuff, ready to catch the bus back to Jack's house. Y/n was sweating bullets. Unfortunately, going to Jack's house was the least of his problems. The second they were outside, Jack froze. "Perhaps... we should cancel the whole going to my house thing," Jack began nervously. His eyes moved to the others slowly, fear in them. Y/n seemed to put together what had him immediately - another lie had come to life. As if on cue, Jack looked at Y/n and Emma before his eyes glued to Ryan with purpose. "Remember when I told Eric that I was late meeting him because I was abducted by aliens?"

Ryan immediately went tense, and Y/n went pale. All four pairs of eyes turned to the roof, following Jack's lead as they saw what he had. Two men, wearing odd glasses like Cyclops from the X-Men comics. They seem to look identical - down to the matching shiny, silver suits and black, polished shoes. Very... what one might assume... alien vibes.

"No," Ryan whispered, forcing himself to reject what he was seeing. "I absolutely do not remember. I refuse to remember!" He even turned away, eyes focused purposefully on the cement.

"Too late," Jack shot down, his voice full of regret and resigned fear. He looked at Y/n and Emma, and in that moment the look that Jack had on his face would be burned in Y/n's mind forever. This is the face Jack made when he told the truth. "They're back."

"There are no such thing as aliens," Emma argued, shaking her head even as she looked up at the two men on the roof with awe.

"Right!" Ryan agreed, getting his momentum back. "Those are just two dudes, you know, wearing weird suits, standing on top of a roof." Jack and Emma nodded along, but Y/n was the one who had kept his eyes glued on the men, so he was the one who first saw the very bad news.

"They're running down it!" He screamed, jumping back to push Emma behind him, protected for maybe only a second longer than if he'd just left her be.

The two men landed, removed their weird glasses to reveal glowing red eyes, and then opened their mouths to release a high pitched, terrible shrieking sound. Y/n was most disturbed by the fact that they seemed to be even more identical with the visors off. So when Jack said to run, all four of them did, taking off into the garbage and hopping into the back of a truck. The aliens ran by and they were home free... well, until they almost ran face first into the lumberjacks, who had been so good as to find Jack again - this time with even more friends in harm's way. They were all running again, booking it into the elevator and to the top floor where they came out on the roof of all places. Where, to everyone's luck, the lumberjacks also were as they'd taken the stairs. Where, just as well, the aliens were as well, having run up the long way - through the parking lot. Even Otis was here, on his little golf cart to run them down as well.

Just as all hope seemed to be lost, Jack's fake girl from Arizona - Y/n never learned her name - pulled up in a red convertible, yelling at the four of them to get inside. Emma, Y/n, and Ryan all piled eagerly into the back seat, but Miss Totally not Fake Girlfriend locked the car before Jack could join them - right after he thanked her too, which finally gave Y/n her name. Lisa.

"Not you," Lisa snapped.

"What?" Jack almost screamed. Y/n couldn't blame him - Otis, the lumberjacks, and the aliens were getting closer by the second.

"You broke my heart, Jackie Bear," Lisa whined. Y/n looked away, his hands curling into fists. Putting Jack's life on the line was NOT worth having a heart to heart. This was NOT the time - how selfish did someone have to be? She didn't have to come at all if she didn't want to help, so why wasn't she just doing it and then talking about it later? She could have locked all of them in the car once they were safe and not let him out until... but then was when Y/n realized what this was about. The fake danger would force Jack to spill his guts and be honest, even if he wouldn't have in literally any other situation. Hannah was a genius.

"Lisa, please," Jack pleaded. "Whatever you want, I'll make it up to you."

"You're just saying that because you're selfish and you don't want your brains sucked out of your skull by aliens." The sentence was ridiculous, but Lisa DID have a point. Jack was only using her as an escape - he didn't really care that he'd hurt her.

Jack finally cracked though, not having enough room to think rationally. "Okay what do you want me to say?" he snapped.

"The truth," Lisa stated firmly.

And then, for some reason, Jack looked directly at Y/n, and in his eyes was that same fear from earlier. Y/n realized that the high opinions of others meant everything to Jack. Even now, thinking his life was on the line, with Y/n in the car, he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Just tell her, Jack," Y/n demanded. "I know as well as Ryan does that this whole lying thing has gotten out of hand."

Stunned, Jack looked back to Lisa. His confusion was replaced by regret as he saw HER. The girl he'd hurt by blowing her off to hide her from Jenny. Jenny, who had been hurt by all the other lies as well. Y/n, who seemed to know Jack had been lying but seemed hurt anyway. In that moment, he realized that Y/n was right. This HAD gone too far.

"Why don't you want to be with me?" Lisa asked gently, leaving no room for half truths or cop outs.

Looking around, Jack finally took in his situation... and gave up. "I-" His eyes flickered to Y/n again before landing on Lisa solidly. "I made you up so my friends wouldn't make fun of me."

Lisa smiled. "Get in." The car unlocked and the door opened and Jack was inside, and then they were pulling away and headed to Jack's house.

It was dark when they pulled up and unbuckled. Jack turned to Lisa, thanking her. She only smiled. "I know how much you love trouble, Jackie. Someone's gotta watch out for you." Ryan's eyes found Y/n's in that moment, and Y/n got the terrible feeling he'd been officially wrapped up in something he'd been trying to avoid.

"Listen, I'm sorry I lied to you," Jack apologized now. "I never, ever meant to hurt your feelings. It's just... I'm kind of into someone else." Y/n found himself having to look away, but he didn't miss the way that Ryan caught the pain flickering across his features. He only hoped Ryan wouldn't put together why.

Lisa was unphased. "If you like this someone else so much, Jackie Bear, just... try being honest with them. No one wants a relationship built on lies."

Jack nodded, then looked at Y/n. Feeling his eyes, Y/n looked back. "Speaking of..." He rose an eyebrow and Y/n nodded, recognizing without saying it that they needed to talk. They all got out of the car, said goodbye to Lisa, and then stood there and watched her go. It was then that Jack turned to Y/n again. "How did you know Lisa was a lie?"

Y/n sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. "I know a lot of things about the people at our high school. I don't MEAN to, people just... don't notice me." He shrugged. "Say things without realizing I can hear you. I was in the bus with you guys when you told Ryan that Mikey was a lie. I was also at the park when you broke your arm on your bike, so I knew you lied about the lumberjacks. I'd hear the "my secret girlfriend in Canada" line so many times it was easy to put together that you were full of crap about that too. I eventually wrote off that most things you said that sounded ridiculous on any level, were. Like your Asian parents and the wrestler and Mikey's dog's bionic tail."

After a second, Jack let out a breath. "Why didn't you ever tell anyone?"

At this, Y/n could only bring himself to shrug. "I don't owe anyone anything, and there was no harm coming from it at the time. I mean, the other people lined up for Student of the Year were annoying, and that was as far as I knew when it came to who you were affecting. It's not my job to keep you from making your own mistakes - you have to be the one to tell them. You have to learn from it. Now more than ever. All of these things happening are affecting more than just you, and Lisa was right. Jenny has probably been hurt by the lying most of all." Jack went to argue, but Y/n just rolled his eyes. "Half the school can see the way you look at her, Jack, you're not lowkey." That shut Jack up immediately.

"Well," Ryan sighed. "Now we know how to fix the whole thing. It worked with Lisa, and it can work with the others too. You just have to tell the truth - that isn't hard."

But then a look crossed over Jack's face, and Ryan and Y/n seemed to realize what he was thinking without him having to open his mouth. "Jack..." Y/n whispered softly.

"I'm just so CLOSE, you guys!" He huffed, looking at the with desperation. "Student of the Year gets announced tomorrow."

"Are you crazy?" Ryan snapped. "After everything we've been through?"

"The hippo said I have to confess to everyone. He never said when," Jack reasoned. "I'll just do it after Student of the Year. You even said it yourself Y/n - those kids are annoying anyway. I'm showing people that grades and crap don't matter - heart does! That's a GOOD thing."

Y/n stepped away when Jack reached a hand out to put on Y/n's shoulder. "But you're not winning on good character, Jack. You're winning through lies. Lies that are becoming a serious problem. And what do you think will happen when they realize you've been lying even after you got the award? You think there are aliens and lumberjacks coming after you and anyone close to you, but you still prioritize what? Being a bat boy?" He shook his head, grabbing Emma's hand. "I was wrong about you Jack. I thought every teenager was afraid of being hated and invisible. I thought you did it because you cared about being able to do the cool things you can - like stop bullies two years older than you from messing with other kids, or getting a whole school to rally together through love and excitement. But the only thing you're doing it for is the glory, and you care more about that than your friends and family." Jack went to say something, but Y/n just shook his head. "I was stupid to have a crush on you. You suck." And then without seeing Jack's reaction, he turned and walked away.

He figured that after his little confession, Jack wouldn't try to be friends with him anymore. Before, he'd been silently afraid of that. No matter what he told himself, he wanted Jack to see him and smile. To know he existed and to enjoy being around him. Yesterday, or just a few minutes ago even, that would have been enough...

Now, Y/n didn't care in the least. If that was how Jack treated people he saw, Y/n was just fine curling up in the shadows and never having Jack look at him again.

#Jack Parker #liar liar pants on Fire #pants on fire #Disney #Disney XD #Disney x reader #Disney imagine #Jack Parker x reader #jack parker x male reader #Jack Parker imagine #Disney XD imagine #Disney XD x reader #male reader #Bradley Steven Perry #Bradley Perry #Bradley Perry x reader #Bradley Perry x male reader #Bradley Steven Perry x reader #Bradley Steven Perry x male reader

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mandalhoerian · 2 years ago

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this is my review & thoughts on this sequel fic and as always it will begin after the read more section and have spoilers, so proceed with that in mind!

one thing I like more about this fic compared to the predecessor aphrotitty is that the taken risk of making soah more human and dislikable, if that makes sense. Much of aphrotitty is in leon's pov and he sees soah as this person who can do no wrong, who's so innocent and good and without flaws.

This fic on the other hand leans more on negative qualities of soah and works more on her character. I say it with praise that I struggled with her especially in the re6 arc, she was extremely frustrating to read and unreasonable most times -- which is a consequence of the imposter syndrome she's going through I think. Her trauma and how it effects her present are portrayed really well in this regard. The shit she goes through with BSAA also has beaten down on her & having to keep it all from Leon also has affected the communication in their relationship. Soah really needs a therapist dude,,,,

I have to admit I didn't enjoy the jealousy of Helena subplot and found it very immature when soah and leon are extremely comfortable and safe in their relationship. No to say jealousy evaporates magically when you're engaged but with such a grounded couple it honestly came across as soah being childish. They have years behind them now, soah had no ground basis to believe leon would forsake her or something -- even when she's struggling with her inner voice I couldn't find sympathy in myself for her regarding this particular stuff and it has to do with Leon doing absolutely nothing wrong and Soah riling herself up over someone who they JUST met. It didn't work for me so I just skimmed those parts & focused more on Minji's attempts on making soah feel better even when everything had gone to shit because that honestly was one of the most heartwarming things ever -- she had a child to keep in check (AND WORRY ABOUT,,,, like ur child is in danger i would lose it) and was in immense danger in a situation she couldn't handle, yet she still looked after her sister. MVP.

Coming back to the "criticism" (which isnt much of it lmao sorry), what could have made more sense to me would be soah feeling lacking and behind in her agent training and getting jealous of helena's team work with leon because she's not on their level yet or something along the lines of that. It would have been perfectly logical why she'd be snappy and shut-off because she wouldn't have liked to expose that she was insecure about that kind of stuff since it's unprofessional & didn't want to whine to Leon about this sort of thing when she could just train harder to work around it.

Her envy of Helena would not be unfounded that she thought Leon would leave her behind one day & preferred a more experienced partner to keep up with him in this line of work or something, because she wasn't enough. That way, Minji's argument that Soah not being qualified for the agent job would have hit harder, because she's basically a novice -- i mean, it's only been five years. Her abilities being questioned would give Soah more justification in her anger.

Take all of these with a grain of salt though, I'm not saying I didn't like what I read! This just bothered me while reading is all but also works narratively to support Soah's more flawed character in the fic.

What I loved was the relationship progression of helena and soah, and that they didn't start off on a good note but they still went through development anyway and bounced back eventually. I love these type of dynamics where the characters don't quite like each other but solve their differences along the way and it was refreshing to see it with soah who was a universally liked character in-universe to struggle getting along with someone. It has more flavor and shows how characters bond better.

I felt good about helena slapping the ever-loving shit out of soah for being insensitive about deborah because I think soah needed to be slapped some sense into her. And even leon telling her "yeah it's stupid" when soah eventually reveals the truth that she was jealous of helena and him was like catharsis to me & I think the fic was very self-aware about her actions. It being on purpose really made everything up to me since she did go through character development (WHICH IS EVERYTHING YOU CAN ASK FOR IN A FIC) and I enjoyed that immensely, it was done really well. At the end of this fic soah still has the problem of not being honest enough with leon but it's only setting up the future installation so I had no problem with that lmao

Now -- minji and soah. I'm really torn, for some reason I made myself believe there'd be no character death in this fic ever so I didn't see all the setup & buildup to minji's passing and I feel bad about that 😭 Going back to reread, it's all there. Minji appearing more than normal, the argument to make soah bad about everything after her death,,,, man FUCK simmons dude. Ada rapidly firing down on him knowing it was coming also made it more sick. That scene was a masterpiece,,, I was mourning the rest of the fic so I couldn't focus on the comedy or romance or the upcoming smut, I really couldn't bring myself to read the smut on the last chapter BSKJSDJ I was like "minji just died this feels wrong im not gonna do this" 😭😭 The mourning period afterwards also put me in my feels... kudos, honestly!

Leon was a champ, you just know how much he loves Soah because my anger issues could NOT with her behavior. He constantly reaches out to her & it's so healthy of him. Even her being "cold" to Soah from her pov was obviously him giving her space. King shit. He's gonna be the best husband ever and they make a kickass couple. This installment really delved into Soah and her inner world more and even though I was so frustrated it just goes to prove I was invested lol I loved it, thank you ashie for your hard work!

pussidon - lsk|m

✠ Pussidon ↳ sounds like trouble ↳↳ can we eat it?

➶ sequel to aphrotitty ➶ pairing: OC x Leon S(exy) Kennedy. ➶ genre: fluff, angst, gore, smut/suggestive themes ➶ Overall word count: many

✠Playlist -

NOTE: ✠ = time skip ✠✠ = switching povs/characters

CONTENT WARNINGS: ☢ - gore/zombie stuff/mentions of blood/guns/you get the gist- ♰ - smut/just filth

AN: Lots of people wanted the sequel and after months of working on it, it's done <3 Leon still has me in a stubborn chokehold and I don't think I'll be able to get out of it anytime soon - not like I'd even try (have you seen HIM??)

the chapters are a lot lesser than Aphrotitty but each chapter is around 5k-13k words :)

✠ CHAPTERS

DAMNATION - ACT I

I. interrupting bob ross (3k)

II. rock, paper, scissors; shoot - aw man! (3.3k)

III. meet the twins; dumb and dumber (4.2k)

IV. and the forgotten triplet; chad (5.3k)

RESIDENT EVIL 6 - ACT II

I. james (4.8k)

II. rock, paper, scissors; shoot - yes! (4.5k)

III. jealousy, jealousy 2.0 (4.4k)

IV. one large McWhopper please (4.1k)

V. take it back, take it back, TAKE IT BACK- (3.8k)

VI. that's gay af (4.8k)

VII. spit it out, spit it out, SPIT - wait, no, TAKE IT BACK- (4.9k)

VIII. the unkissed KISSES (4.9k)

IX. haha, what; are you ga- oh, you are. (4.5k)

X. cherries and memories (5.1k)

XI. pov: you let leon fly a plane (4k)

XII. bane the friendly lad (4.1k)

XIII. Ada! What ar - oh, im traumatized now. huh. (5.8k)

XIV. simmons the grinch (5.3k)

XV. go crazy AAA go stupid!! (2.9k)

XVI. talk to me (5.5k)

XVII. look at me, soo (5.4k)

XVIII. make a deal with god (5.6k)

XIX. what could've been (3k)

XX. keep us, us ♰ (2k)

XXI. like you need me ♰ (11.6k)

#shai's fic recs #shai talks #fandom: resident evil #character: leon kennedy

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brokenbutterflywing · 3 years ago

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I am at the point where I don't feel like forgiving but not forgiving makes me despise myself.

A part of me feels it is because I'm used to letting people cross my boundaries but a bigger part of me sees how she is suffering. That part of me can't help but feel sorry for her, even though she may never feel sorry for her actions.

Even though she may always remain self serving and inconsiderate, a part of me remembers the little girl who loved and loves too easily, who didn't mind sacrificing for her loved ones, who values quality time over all else.

That little girl who saw so much conflict and was exposed to raw negativity ever since she was conceived, how can I blame her for the way she is? For all I know, she can't help it.

Most of all, how can I be uncharacteristically cruel to her? Okay, cruel is a big word but, rude and hateful. I'm a sunshine person and hating disturbs me on many levels

And that reminds me how i used to be at her age, wasn't I much the same? Didn't i have a thick armour and a thin skin? I was inconsiderate to all who loved me and mad after those who didn't yet.

Granted, my way was more seductive than abrasive but I did have a way. I did seek power in hurting others. And i was born under much less trouble than her. I was welcomed and the favourite and my mother didn't cry as much in the feeding months than hers. I was born before the abuse started. She was born when it had cemented.

I know she triggers me a lot, but could it be because she reminds me of what I could be?

If I weren't fortunate enough to have the teachers that i did, the lessons, the life-long and devoted friends, the books and the nice people that I had (I am so thankful for all of them it makes me tear up sometimes), I could have turned out much worse than her.

I don't think I can be a safe space for her, because of how painful a thorn she is to me, but I think I should work towards not being a thorn to her at least. In the very least.

I should aim to be positive towards her and if not, at least not become just another negative figure in her life.

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tumbleweedstillhaspanic · 3 years ago

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I think my issues with my hair and appearance also ties to the toxic concepts I was raised with about how I present myself as being a socially appropriate female. As well as other toxic things I was told about being disabled. Also just the weird shit I realized about my childhood as an adult who has taken courses related to mental health.

fun shit read ahead:

I wasn't taught how to wear makeup and then I was criticized by other people for not knowing how to do it when I tried in high school. Same goes for hygiene. The entire house was filthy like hoarders levels so it made it impossible to smell "nice" as a kid. My family chain-smoked, there were mice and roaches, the backdoor was falling off the hinges but no one fixed it until I was well over eighteen. The doors fell off our bedrooms but my family just hung curtains instead of fixing the doors. I never invited friends over and the few times I let my guard down and did friends saw just how abnormal and gross the environment was.

Like my mother didn't teach me certain things about maintaining cleanliness and just expected that I'd figure it out. Or in some sort of sick way she didn't teach me in hopes that it would further deter me from growing up and leaving the home.

I taught myself how to maintain my hygiene. I learned how to clean my environment as an adult.

Another example of the toxic bullshit, my late mother wouldn't allow me to buy a Feminist t-shirt when I was eighteen because in her words "people might get the wrong idea about me"...when I asked what the wrong idea was, she suggested that people would assume I was a lesbian if I wore a feminist t-shirt...

The jokes on her though because I'm bisexual...so shit, maybe she was half right?

Also why would people assuming I was a lesbian be a negative awful thing??? She equated being non heteronormative as being abnormal and undesirable. Hence why I didn't accept I was bisexual until I had turned thirty and also why I only disclose my sexuality to a few trusted people in my real life....

Well that and the really fucked up southern baptist fire and brimstone shit I got exposed to as a kid. Because every kid loves hearing how their destined to burn in hell when the rapture comes because they just didn't believe in Jesus hard enough. I got saved because I was an anxious child who didn't want to get abandoned when Jesus showed back up and took all the true believers. If I follow the logic I wasn't actually saved because I did it out of fear and not an actual love and acceptance of christ so whoops.

And you say "wasn't allowed to buy the shirt? You were eighteen?" hah, I wasn't allowed to access my finances because I wasn't cognitively capable of managing it or living on my own. I was expected to let my mother handle it. She had me sign paperwork stating I was letting her be my guardian and handle any government benefits. Anything I wanted or needed I had to ask for permission to get.

This financial abuse was also why I didn't get to go to college or go to beauty school even after high school.

Also it was outside the home too as I was raised in a school system that told us girls needed to cover our shoulders and wear shorts below dresses and skirts because we might attract "inappropriate attention" from males.

I was under eighteen my dudes, shouldn't the school system have been more concerned about the men staring at a child's body than the child covering her body?

Also because I am disabled my mother constantly tried to set me up with other disabled people not caring if I had any attraction to this person or knew them at all....because don't ya know the disabled can only date the disabled. Someone non disabled would never date anyone disabled...that was the message I was given.

Also I was told "some people aren't meant for college." "you've always been a poor student." "You can't have a job because the insurance won't cover your medical problems." "you should just get married and let your husband care for you. You can get on his insurance and be okay." "You aren't depressed."

There was no acknowledgement that my mental health issues were being perpetuated by being forced to play house daughter and being told any ambitions I had weren't meant for me.

I didn't escape any of this until my mother died, I was homeless for three months (couch surfing), and had been kicked out by her boyfriend.

And then people question if I actually do have ptsd?

Also jokes on the people who told me I was a terrible student as I sat pretty on a 4.0 gpa my first year of college after being out of school for a decade. So, it's almost like I was never a poor student?

#abuse tw #trauma tw

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thewholetruthunedited · 3 years ago

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Week 4 Blog 2 {The Old Man Speaks - "Get Off My Lawn!"}

The article “Three reasons junk news spreads so quickly across social media” from University of Oxford – Oxford Internet Institute was an interesting read. I believe that the three reasons that authors Philip Howard and Samantha Bradshaw provide: algorithms, advertising, and exposure, make total sense and are easily for me to relate to what I have seen on a personal level.

Looking at algorithms, I have personally seen the algorithms impacting my Facebook newsfeed. It used to be that my news feed would be populated with a wide variety of friends. About two to three years ago, something changed with the algorithm to wear now I only see 15 to 25% of my friends regularly in my news feed. Others are still there, and regularly posting in their feeds, but I don't see any of their posts unless I go to their page to seek them out. It's pretty frustrating because I really like having a larger variety in my news feed. During the 2020 presidential election, my news feed was run amok with political posts and ads. I would consider myself more of a moderate when it comes to politics. I like to hear what both sides have to say, gather the information, and determine myself what I think is relevant to use for how I cast my vote. My newsfeed during the past election didn't seem to give me a view of both sides. Of course, there were many posts by individuals with polarizing comments that seemed to divide many however there wasn't an abundance of valuable information from both sides that I could analyze and determine my own thoughts. Another area where I have seen algorithms come into play, which I actually don't mind and find rather useful, is when Google searches will populate specific restaurants or stores that I am looking for based on the area that I am in. When I'm out of town and don't have much information, this can be very helpful.

Without question, I can notice how the advertising populates in my newsfeed. The scary part is when my wife and I are talking about something and the next time I open Facebook there's an advertisement for whatever product or restaurant we were talking about. I've also noticed that I will have sports apparel being populated in my news feed based on teams that I like, typically. In my mind, this is also one of the easiest ways to see where junk news can spread easily. As a Michigan fan, there's little that I would find to be more junk news then advertisements for Ohio State and Michigan State apparel. That said, I still have that kind of information come up in my feed. I assume that may be based on me checking out an article or something that is related to those teams periodically. Social media advertising has definitely triggered my impulse buying on several occasions. I remember when I used to actually used to want something that I had to drive to the store to get it. Now I see it in my newsfeed, make the purchase in a couple clicks, and have it on my doorstep in the next 1-2 days. I am typically pretty frugal with my money and I have been impacted, so I can only imagine how difficult it can be for others who may not be so economically conscious. I found an online white paper on social commerce (S-commerce) that reinforced many of my thoughts on how social media can impact impulse buying behavior (IBB).

When it comes to exposure in social media, I think of it in two different terms: exposing your information and information that you are exposed to. There are so many things on a personal level that you are exposing through using social media. Simple things like pictures of your children or the fact you're leaving for vacation next week, could potentially have a negative impact on your life. A friend of mine is a single mother and public defense attorney in Los Angeles and she will not post any pictures of her son on social media, also choosing not to use her real name. All based on her level of comfort on what she shares with the world and what she chooses to expose of herself personally. The other side of this is what you become exposed to on social media. For example, when we look at the politics conversation again, based on your personal preferences you may only be exposed to whatever party you align with the most. In some cases, that is by choice because you don't want to see other viewpoints and in other cases it could be based on algorithms that don't allow you to become exposed two viewpoints other than what it has decided you want to see. With something as important as political outcomes, I think it is crucial that information is available to everyone. Although media at any level can be disingenuous at times, I remember the days when you could just pick up a newspaper and get information from both political parties. The times sure have changed with most people choosing to utilize social media as their modern-day newspaper. I believe that this is setting us up for very scary times ahead unless we can figure out a way to bring back balance to many social issues, not just politics.

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memory-hoarder · 3 years ago

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Make peace with your past

How is it easy to say? making peace with your past that caused you trauma, depression, anxiety, and abusive effect on you mentally, physically, or emotionally. I just finished watching a talk show on youtube and since today we celebrate the month of mental health awareness I watched at least 3 episodes of different persons sharing their life-death experiences just to overcome the depression and other related mental illnesses they battling for over a year. And today, I would like to highlight some of my traumatic and scary experiences during my early, middle, and late childhood years that I still bear nowadays. I am not exposing or sharing the negative details just to gain something at the end, I am doing this for everyone to be aware of their surroundings. So, I grew up in a challenging environment and the way of living in that city is hard and a bit dangerous because other families do not have enough opportunities to find a job to support their basic needs. I was surrounded by different types of persons and ages. Even people with vices. Good thing my mother is a disciplinarian they raised and mold us to be better people at an early age. She taught us to be honest, kind, and formal children. I don't even remember a single moment of my childhood that I spent outside our home too late. Yet, outside of your safe home still, lie the fear of the unknown. Our mother keeps on reminding us how dangerous the surroundings. I remembered one fine day, I went outside of our home I sat at the side of the street waiting for some food vendors when a stranger approached our street holding a bunch of jewelry. I used to see different people selling random stuff like furniture, home essentials, and appliances that is why I am confident that he must be just a random vendor on our street but on that day perhaps my trust was broken the man stop at me bend over, and touched my private part. I do not know what my reaction will be after what happened, but what I just remembered is I looked at him but he never turn his back as if he never passed me by or did a terrible thing. During that age I thought it was normal, to allow someone to touch the part of your body without permission. I never had a chance to speak with my mother because of her temperament level. I was dead scared to tell to anyone so I kept it and decided to move on.

Back then I used to visit our city park, I believed your childhood days will never be memorable when you do not play and spend your time at the park. I no longer remember how this old man started poking with me, smiling and trying to reach out to me. At first, I am scared of how I'm gonna save or protect myself at that age, I was completely vulnerable yet the gut and feel of something wrong will happen is a gift. The scary moment last until it creeped me out seriously. While playing I saw him watching and I pretended not to observe his doing. One day, my father and youngest brother are planning to roam around the park since I was available during that hour I nod and walked with them when we finally reached the entrance of the park I saw the old man smiling towards me and I am expecting that my father saw the tension between us unfortunately not so I was trembling and sweating and I give up I ran away as fast as I could not thinking about my father and brother who left behind I ran home. I was terribly scared of the old man how he smile, the big stomach, the way he stared at me. Maybe other people who read this will think I am too judgemental over the stranger but I promise you all that he is not friendly. Since I was dead scared to visit the park and might see him I stopped visiting my favorite place, the place where I found happiness and gain friends. I encountered different people growing up especially when I finally reached the age when I finally experience day-to-day life in the city. Commuting from one city to another. Going home past midnight or even just visiting one village to another but then thank GOD nothing happen. Not until I experienced again my worst nightmare. It was during the creation of our thesis. The programmer we contacted unfortunately is based in another city, miles away from us. Someone should sacrifice time and money to make our thesis successful and everyone is expecting me to do it. I met the programmer in a cafe when some students I believe from different universities approached and settled down at our table. Only I realized they are talking to our hired programmer. I panicked and spoke to her to teach me all the necessary things for our upcoming pre defend. As expected we are unable to cover all the functions of each coded program and will continue in another way. After the fucked up meeting with our programmer I rushed outside when I realized its past 7pm on my clock. Yes, I know what others think is too early but to me, it wasn't the case. Imagined I have to travel 3 hours way back home and it is getting too late and the dark is creeping already. However, I never feel scared as long as I used a public vehicle with a bunch of commuters until it reach our city. I felt hungry and decided to take out at least a snack as my dinner. Everything is normal, aside from I feel kinda tired but my eyes are not cooperating. Few cities passed and I slowly feel my eyes need some rest. I never know who sat beside me or what cities I was already in. Until I woke up shocked the bus conductor was unable to wake me up and I was too far away from the bus stop, originally I planning to sleep with my classmate but unfortunately, my body gave up. So change of plan I had to go home. The bus conductor approached my place I was disappointed at that hour because I badly need some rest. He keeps on talking while I focused on sleeping again. By that hour it was almost 10 pm and my sleeping desire was too worst. Yet I recognized a few passenger's heads. Minutes later I back to sleep when I feel the same man sitting behind me. It caught me off guard and confused at the same time. How dare he sit beside me when in fact there are few vacant seats. He gives me annoying and scary body language. I struggle to be steady and vigilant because I'm fighting my sleeping desire. By that moment, he had never left my side. Until he touched me and I said no. But, he is too dominant and took some advantages. When the bus almost reached the bus stop he snatched a kiss on my neck. And went to the driver like nothing happened.

I was too tired and sleepy to process what the man did. I took my step and feel like floating. Thinking did somebody use again my vulnerability? like what happened during my early childhood. I started to self-blame, how stupid I am that I let people do those things to me. I should act and do something to file a case or at least let the bus conductor be fired. How pathetic I was I read his name and decided to pass everything and move on. And, now I realized letting people give some authority to do it again to their victims I felt the massive guilt. Some people need to teach a lesson. I forgive them already, a long time ago, and hope not to meet them anymore. If I would speak on behalf of other victims of rape, sexual harassment, and verbal abuse like slut calling on the street our vulnerability and being feminine is not and always not the reason to justify men to harass women and use their weakness and less advantage just because they are dominant on the society. I hope they find their guilt at the end of the day and decide to change.

And to all women reading here, please be more vigilant every single day. Stand up and be brave. Fight for your safety. Make sure to find some distance and a safe place. Find people to reach out to during worst scenarios. My past experiences taught me when my voice is needed and how to break my silence. I am learning day by day. I hope you are too. Always, learn from your experiences.

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sparkledfirecracker · 3 years ago

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The last part to their journey in 2020 😫. We’ll reunite again someday.

So without further chitchat, I’ll get cracking.

December was a somewhat bittersweet month.

Why bittersweet? It’s my favourite month of the year. So many festivities, not just holidays, just the ambiance, glowing lights everywhere, ice skating, gift shopping, my birthday, annual gift giving, Christmas traditions. Urgh I LOVE IT.

However, there were some negatives as well. I still had my concerns about how well we'd adapt our relationship to the realities of real life and, as excited as I was about Christmas, the holiday season was making me miss my family more than ever.

Now this made me sad, one she shouldn’t doubt the fucking relationship. WHITNEY WE TALKED ABOUT THIS SWEETIEPIE!!!! But she misses her family, which she hasn’t seen in ages 😫, I can relate sweetie, with a sibling living in another country.

It made me so sad to think of how much Grayson had grown since they last saw him and knowing that I had a little nephew that I'd never even met was starting to break my heart.

Even my heart broke at this. But this is extreme level of torturing yourself over a situation you can’t control love.

I wanted to be less than three thousand miles away and it was starting to weigh on me.

Do you want a hug and good cry together, sweetie? I know how you feel, I really do, it’s tough. But there will be a period where you see one another again and it will be tear filled and so nice and you’ll feel so much love in that moment.

I sniffled and quickly wiped my eyes before turning around to see her standing in the doorway with Scott, concern on both of their faces.

Oh I feel this, you want to stay strong for everyone and no-one to see you cry. Sis I feel you, wow, this is such a punch to the gut.

"Oh, honey, that's understandable," Lisa assured me. "I can't imagine how I'd feel if we hadn't been able to be together at all for as long as you've been away from your family."

This just gives me so many mama bear vibes. I just want to give her a good cuddle.

"Well their loss is our gain," Scott informed me. "Because we're really happy to have you here. I know it's not the same, but you're part of our family too."

Oh shut it Scott, let Whitney have her moment here. Her feelings matter too and just marched right over them.

"That really means a lot," I choked out, blinking frantically to stop myself from crying anymore. It took a moment to compose myself, but eventually I let out a laugh and wiped my eyes again. "Sorry, I'll stop blubbering soon. I don't think I realized how much I missed them until now and once I get all weepy, it's hard for me to stop."

Lisa crossed the kitchen quickly and pulled me into a hug.

😭, don’t mind me joining in on this hug. Fuck her feelings and how she brushes over it so lightly. Sweetie no, your feelings are valid and it’s okay to cry over missing family.

"What are we letting out? Why is Whitney crying?" he asked. "What did you two do to her?"

HAHAHAHA, this just sounded like it is the most normal thing in the world to happen and as if it happens at least several times a day.

"We were just letting her know that none of us would judge her if she wants to dump your ass," Scott lied, a smirk on his face. "And now she's crying tears of joy."

I SNORTED OUT A LAUGH, but guess what siblings will always be siblings and the rivalry NEVER stops no matter how old you get. Oh these dogs, I love ‘em

"You absolutely are," he agreed, coming over and slipping his arm around my waist before pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "I'm sorry that you're sad, but do you remember what I told you last year?"

🥺, meatball is sooo sweet at times that it makes my heart melt.

"There's no time for worryin' at Christmas!" He reminded me. "Let's get you a drink and turn that frown around!"

YES, drinking is always a good option🍹, I approve of this method.

"Are you good?" He asked, rubbing his thumb on the exposed skin just above my jeans. "I'm sorry that you miss your family."

The way my stomach did a few flips 🥺, he looks out for her and makes sure she’s okay. He’s too good

It was a decision that I was very grateful for at six thirty the next morning when Grayson woke us up by launching himself onto our bed.

Hahahahha, YEET! Oh kids at this age are horrible when it comes to nice and soft wake-ups. Not battery is charged, let’s go until we crash.

“Merry Christmas, Gray,” I heard Chris answer as I rolled over. Just as I turned to face him, Chris dragged him down from where he was bouncing on the bed and pulled him against his chest. “Let’s go back to sleep. Okay, buddy?”

The mental image reading this is just pure bliss 😍. It’s so fucking cute

We all knew that wasn’t going to happen and Grayson proved it as he giggled and wiggled around, squealing loud enough to ensure that no one in the house could possibly still be asleep.

This is the best sound though. Oh it brought me back to my babysitting days and then crawling in bed for a morning snuggle and some book reading.

GRAY IS MY FAVOURITE CREATED CHARACTER EVER! He’s just too fluffy.

“Probably me,” Chris teased Gray. “I bet they’re all for me and maybe one for your mom.”

Oh don’t do this, teasing Gray never really ends well for anyone.

“Even Uncle Scott,” I smiled. “He’s been pretty good this year, hasn’t he?”

“No!” Grayson giggled. “He scared Daddy! And me!”

This kid makes my heart melt, can he be real please, because guh, I just want to give him a hug. Because of one incident he’s decided Scott hasn’t been good the entire year 😂. Kids logic never fails.

“He did scare us and that wasn’t very nice,” Chris agreed. “He’s probably on the naughty list!”

🙄, he can’t help himself with teasing can he.

“Almost exactly like this,” Chris smirked. “Until you snuck out of bed as if I wouldn’t know we’d been cuddling all night.”

I’m a sucker for men remembering small things. This, this is just so cute 😊

Left a like earlier than intended, reblog is on its way 😬

“It’s hard to say,” I admitted. “I think we would have ended up quarantining together, but if we hadn’t had that slip up at Christmas, we wouldn’t have had the same incentive to talk about things during lockdown.”

She’s not wrong here. Because you two love drunk idiots loved circling each other and not admitting to your feelings.

I watched as he opened the box that I’d carefully wrapped and pulled out the photo album that I’d put inside.

😭, this will make me cry already. Because I think it was mentioned in an earlier chapter.

I was amazed by how many pictures I’d taken when I started compiling them, but I knew it was a gift that he would appreciate.

That entire paragraph 😭, it’s so sweet and so thoughtful. It will be a much treasured memory to hold on to. Oh I’m a mess right now.

“That would be great!” She grinned. “I would love that, if you don’t mind.”

Hang them on a wall, frame em, oh proud mama bear here ☝️. As she should though

I was beyond grateful that our families had been relatively untouched by the virus plaguing the world and was more than happy to join Scott in his toast to all our continued good health when he brought out the mimosas as soon as all the presents were unwrapped.

Getting drunk at breakfast, I’m all for it 🙌🏼.

We had learned something from the previous years celebrations though and didn’t let ourselves get quite as intoxicated as we had back then.

Why not? It’s the best, let the kids rule their own Christmas, tear down the house and get sugar rushes. It’s Christmas everyone for themselves.

However, when I came back out, I was surprised to find Chris sitting on the edge of our bed. He glanced up when I walked in, a soft smile on his face, but there was an air of nervousness around him that immediately put me on edge.

😐 are you okay meatball? Spit it out

"I have one more present for you," he informed me after a moment of quiet. "But I want to preface it with an explanation so you don't freak out."

👀 what did you do? Don’t tell me you’re going to pop the question. Oh please don’t 🤐

"Oh my god," I gasped out as he slid from the bed to kneel on one knee in front of me.

😶, I don’t know how to feel about this one. Yikes 😬

making this extra promise and commitment, I thought it might give us both some comfort."

I do appreciate this though, because Whitney is a bit of a doubtful babe, who questions too many silly things, up to the point of not mattering.

"Holy shit," he let out a deep breath, moments later when we finally parted. "That was terrifying. I thought for sure you were going to turn me down and tell me that I'm insane."

Well what can I say to that, you are! But she’s one for assurance too 🤷🏼‍♀️

I smiled at his anxious rambling and stretched up to place another kiss on his lips.

The vulnerability in the paragraph above and how she assures him it’s okay. Geez these two have my whole heart.

The fact that despite all the things we'd been through and all the things we still needed to work on - including my own insecurities - Chris was willing to marry me and make that lifelong commitment had my heart about ready to burst in my chest.

Same girl same, the flutters of my heartstrings are insane. But he wants you an no-one else, remind yourself of that.

I pulled my arm back from around his waist to look down at my finger. I was grateful that it wasn't a massive, showy ring, but it was beautiful and seemed fairly unique.

I’m grateful too for that, I’m sorry big flashy rings just don’t do it for me. Keep it simple and low maintenance, you don’t wants clothing items ruined or a finger chopped off because your ring got in the way.

Also love alexandrite, such a pretty gem 💎.

He captured my lips in another kiss and I leaned into it, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened.

You’ll be fine in a few days it’ll feel like it never happened 🙃

"She cried on the phone when I told her," he admitted, earning another bubble of laughter from me. "She assured me they were tears of joy, but swore me to secrecy about it so let's keep that between us."

And you betrayed her already, meatball, she’s gonna come for your head 🤦🏼‍♀️

"Again, all bark and no bite," I reminded him. "Did your family know you were going to ask me tonight?"

Hahaha the all bark no bite thing. Well Whitney let’s find out, it will be your loss indeed.

Things would change, there was no doubt about that, but we could get through it and come out stronger in the end. I knew it wouldn’t always be easy and there would be times when we felt like giving up, but with a little love and perseverance, I knew our relationship - and eventually our marriage - would only benefit and grow from our efforts.

It will, oh those last paragraphs were so beautiful.

Oh I can’t thank you enough for another great insight in their little lives. So gorgeous. Another great addition to this series. Oh I’ll happily await a next series if they ever might happen. But for now I’m content with where this ended for them.

Thank you for writing this love story, my dear💕

Only For A Moment: December

Summary: A series of shorter one shots from Chris and Whitney’s life together throughout the pandemic. Some happy times, some harder times, some fluff and some things a little more sexy - they work through it all as they try to get settled in their new and blossoming relationship.

Chris Evans x OFC

18+

Part of the Once Bitten/More Hearts series

Only For A Moment: November [part two]

Note: This is the last part of this section of the series! Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged and commented so far, I really appreciate your support and love reading all your thoughts! There will be more, focusing on their lives as the world starts opening up again, but I’m not sure when it will be posted.

—–

December 2020

Keep reading

#lilo reads #chris evans fanfiction #series rec #writer rec #lilos essays

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sableaire · 7 years ago

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Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I really look up to you for considering everyone's opinion and being calm and level-headed. I feel like I don't see a lot of toxic, passive-aggressive Tumblr stuff here. It's a breath of fresh air imo. I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else's opinion, but want to remind yourself that they're entitled to it? It would really help me! Thank you.

Hello - thank you for your kind words, Anon. I try hard to try and make my blog a comfortable place for the most amount of people, and though I sometimes feel like I slip up, I’m glad that you find my blog something refreshing.

I can’t really say how it is that I avoid the toxic, Tumblr passive-aggression. Part of it may just be that I avoid it myself, so it never ends up on my dash. However, thinking on it now, I guess a lot of that is a deliberate choice as well.

Something that gives me a lot of perspective on things like this is that I’ve changed a lot as a person in just the last six years. The transition from high school to college to now near-graduation was a significant one, and I underwent a lot of personal growth.

As such, I know what it’s like to make mistakes as a teenager (or younger). I know who I was, how I thought, and I know what would have worked on me and what would not have.

This post has gotten super-long, possibly my longest yet(?) so I’ll put it under the cut as usual. If you want to just skim the example given and go straight to tips, skip down to the bolded portion, ahaha. More under the cut:

Just a warning, but this example contains mentions of homophobia and, additionally, some highly negative or dangerously neutral opinions that I personally held in the past. I no longer retain such beliefs. I ask that you look upon this example as a story of growth, as I do.

For example, as a young teen, I had a very firm belief (not taught, just a personal belief that came out of nowhere;;) that anything sexual was bad, and I was more morally pure for having no interest in it. Additionally, I was raised in a highly homophobic environment, and because I had no concept of romantic/sexual attraction in the first place, I had no reason to really think about the idea of why loving the same gender would be bad. I just accepted it as a fact of life, just as I accepted it as a fact of life that eventually I would fall in love and marry a man, etc.

It was to the point where I kind of just… didn’t realize gay people existed. Hell, I didn’t even know there was gay media. I was just straight-up oblivious. But that fun fact aside, my complete disconnect from the existence of gay people meant that, if the topic came up, I probably would have made some highly ignorant comments.

((Side note, I barely realized heterosexual people existed - I didn’t realize that people were having sex in my high school until I was a senior!))

At the same time, I was a highly prideful individual. I know for a fact that if someone, especially some stranger I don’t know, confronted me in anger, calling me homophobic and a terrible person for some of the things I blithely said, young-teen-me would have drawn myself up to save face. I would have gotten offended, angry, and discredited whoever it was. After all, why would I believe some internet stranger over my environment - over myself and my experiences?

If someone had attacked me for my ignorance and these beliefs born of complete ignorance, I know for a fact that I would have ended up more firmly aligning myself with those beliefs. I would have felt the need to stand my ground, partially to protect my self-esteem, partially because as someone who looked down on emotion (I could write a book on my past self;;), I would not have wanted to be associated with a group of people that were so angry.

So, now that I am older and have moved beyond that, now that I know better, I approach these kind of issues in a way that I know my past self would have been more receptive to. I don’t get angry, and I don’t try to enforce my own ideas on other people. Instead, I offer more information. I trust the other party to be a strong thinker in their own right, and then I offer them a choice that might not have been available to them before.

As a young teen, I had no option to accept gay people, when I had no concept of their existence and the vague ‘fact’ that it was a ‘dirty’ or ‘sinful’ thing to be gay. I had no option to accept the idea that people should be able to love who they love when my belief on romantic love was that you just choose the best option available to you once you’re ready to marry (aroace, woo, fun times).

But I was a headstrong teenager, overconfident and smart enough to sound impressive, so if anyone attacked my character or intelligence over my homophobia, I would have felt the need to assert my autonomy over myself. Telling me what to think? Telling me how to behave? That would have been unconscionable. My indignation and anger would have kept me from ever trying to learn more about the topic.

If, instead, someone gave me an option - just made the topic of being gay something more normalized in my life, gave me more historic sources (either of cultures where same-sex relationships were accepted or records of the horrors the LGBTQ community suffered), and just gave me more information to reform my beliefs on my own, I would have been more likely to change my views.

Looking back now, that’s exactly what happened. The way it happened, however, is also something a lot of people might not have agreed with. What brought the concept of ‘gay people’ into my sphere of awareness was in fact a friend’s interest in BL content. My desire to support and share in her interests, along with a natural curiosity and interest in storytelling, led me to read a number of BL manga. I never got into the BL community because I didn’t experience it the same way they did - as a sex-repulsed asexual, I wasn’t reading it for sexual gratification, so I couldn’t relate to their titillation. Even so, because I never do things by halves, as a teenager, I continue reading BL as a hobby.

Some, of course, was blatant fetishization, and I am now embarrassed that I have ever read those. Actually, I’m embarrassed about this period in my life in general, for various reasons, but I’m sharing the story! Just for you, Anon!

In any case, some was blatant fetishization, but I did also encounter some actually well-written stories with emotional stake. Now, I’m not saying this is in any way ideal, but it was these stories that exposed me to the idea of social rejection, fear of being disowned, etc. due to homophobia.

These particular themes struck a chord with me, because even though I had just accepted the idea that I was going to marry someone and have children, etc. I also had a vague awareness that I didn’t want to. In Korean society, and with my grandmother, I did have an ingrained fear that I may be somehow rejected by my family should I ever not want to go to any of my grandmother’s blind dates for me and such.

Sometimes in high school, when I answered that I didn’t have an interest in dating, family members would accuse me of being a lesbian in a tone of near disgust. Prior to reading the BL stories, I likely would have been offended by the accusation. After reading the BL stories and reading about situations where people got cut off for being gay, I was more hurt by the idea that if I was actually gay myself, I likely would have been rejected. It better helped me to better understand and empathize with some struggles that LGBTQ persons may go through in their lives.

This empathy led me to be more open to reading about the LGBTQ community, and it helped me to better control my surprise when I found out some of my friends were bisexual or had kissed girls, and it was a gateway to more information, with which I have shaped my current beliefs and moral code.

This is another reason that I don’t really engage in Tumblr’s moral crusades. I’m of the firm belief that people grow given the chance, and that growth is shaped by three things: information, support, and choice. In this example, my ‘information’ came from places that the more morally aggressive side of Tumblr would consider irredeemable: BL media.

I’ve written a post or two on the topic in the past, so my followers already know that I disapprove of the fetishization often inherent in this kind of media. However, I simultaneously cannot bring myself to bring myself to just tell people, “Hey, you shouldn’t read BL,” because it would not have worked on me, personally, and also because my experience reading BL actually contributed to the who I am in present day.

Let’s create an Alternate Universe - remove this source of ‘information’ from my formative years. I had no opportunity to empathize with an example of emotional rejection. Due to living in South Korea with a limited social circle, attending a Christian school, I have limited opportunity to meet actual gay people. Instead, as I grow up, my increasingly evident disinterest in guys leads to more disgusted/concerned accusations from family members that I’m a lesbian, which I react to poorly because I am both repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship and also because I have been told all my life that being gay is something undesirable.

I eventually make a homophobic comment, because I start to associate the concept ‘lesbian’ with my personal revulsion. In response, someone calls me a terrible person, irredeemable, etc. and challenges my moral character, something AU me has a high opinion of. Insulted, I feel the need to defend my position because, psychologically, it is easier to decide that other people are wrong than admit that I am wrong.

The new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are ‘overly-emotional’ and will attack a person’s character without knowing who they are. Perhaps I receive a death threat or they tell me that people like me are better off dead. Then the new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are potentially dangerous.

As an upset teenager, in this AU, I speak to my family about this. Due to some ingrained homophobic beliefs themselves, they validate my experience. Some of them might tell me that people who support gay people are “just as bad as gays themselves.” My mother, especially, is furious about the death threat. She tells me that I’m smarter than they’ll ever be, how dare some stranger say that. Is it possible to report them to the police? I tell her, no, that’s not possible, mom, it’s the internet and also they’re probably in a different country.

This is AU me’s ‘support’. It reinforces the ‘information’ that I received, and it makes it more difficult for me to accept conflicting information in the future. Online, I may encounter other individuals who have received hate and or death threats for their homophobic beliefs, and I connect with them. We commiserate. This is more ‘support’ which makes it even harder for me to change my mind in the future.

And throughout this whole series of events, AU-me feels that she is in control of her own actions. She didn’t ‘give into’ the people trying to force her to change. She is proud of who she is, and she feels confident in her autonomy of herself. Due to basic psychology, she feels that her choice is the right one, and she instinctively seeks out biased evidence that confirms her beliefs.

Flash forward to AU age 22, I would be a completely different person to who I am today. I would not have the friends that I do. I would not be on Tumblr writing this post. My moral code and personal beliefs could be completely different.

So then, here’s a philosophical question: Does the very real possibility that I could have become an elitist, sexist homophobe make me a bad person?

There are some people who believe that people who are morally good will always end up where they are. I am not one of those people. I consider myself blessed that I met the people I did and had the experiences that I did. I am grateful that certain hardships in my life gave me time and reason to sit down and think about the kind of person that I want to be.

Due to the information that I was lucky enough to encounter and the support I was able to find, I was able to make the decision to commit to being an open-minded person.

Of course, I recognize that my experience is unique to myself. It is very possible that someone else, in my aforementioned example, would have ended up homophobic in a different way - fetishizing gay people, applying BL fantasies to real life people, etc. - but in my case, that wasn’t so. And that’s the issue. You can’t accurately predict people’s trajectory of growth upon exposure to controversial topics and or media. However, it’s almost certainly guaranteed that anger and threats will be poorly received, and likely counter-productive.

I believe that people are a product of their experiences. There have been a lot of kind people in my life, such as yourself Anon, who have told me that they respect my approach to situations or my philosophy on life or how I conduct myself, etc.

Ultimately, it is just that I am a product of my own unique set of experiences, and those experiences encompass both circumstances and mistakes. Upon coming to college and spending time away from my family, I really started committing to my self-betterment. I spent a lot of time thinking about my beliefs and the kind of person who I want to be. I took courses in Conflict Negotiation and Social Psychology because they were important to me.

Right now, I am still learning, and I’m still trying. I’m really, really happy that I can be someone others find helpful for their own personal growth.

With that being said:

So, Anon, your question was, “I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else’s opinion, but want to remind yourself that they’re entitled to it?“

It’s not necessarily that I believe someone is entitled to their beliefs. There are some beliefs that I find dangerous, and I do not believe any person should have them. However, before I get angry, I think about my own experience as a person with less-than-stellar beliefs, and I think about what kind of approach would have best worked with me.

In my experience, the elements that contribute to a person’s opinions on something are the following: information, support, and choice.

So, things to keep in mind:

Every person uses the information available to them and the support system attached to that information to make, what they believe to be, an informed choice. People always believe in things and behave in a manner that makes logical sense to them, and that is important to remember.

Choice is the most important element of the three. The psychology of autonomy, especially in highly individualistic societies such as the United States, is incredibly powerful. Even if someone changes their behavior because someone else tells them to, they may later on start to resent both the behavior and the person that forced them. Ultimately, if you want someone to really change, you have to let them come to a different conclusion on their own.

So, how do you change someone’s mind? Give them information and let them know that should they desire to change, they have your support. If someone is ignorant about something, rather than condemning them for it, it is most effective to present information in a neutral manner. Give them the option to learn, and let them choose the option for themselves. And, should they want to learn more about a certain perspective, offer your availability and aid. Allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from their own mistakes. Act as a guide they can choose to follow rather than trying to push them down a certain path. This is the approach Daryl Davis took towards the KKK, to great success.

That being said, I realize that this is a best case scenario. It is incredibly time-consuming, and it is for many people emotionally taxing. This method is not for everyone, and part of the reason I stick to it is because I recognize that I am one of few people who have the patience and the temperament to carry it out, and I believe that it is a necessary method in this world. However, I recognize that it is unfair to expect people with great emotional investment in a topic to just swallow their feelings and bear with it. Sometimes, certain topics are deeply upsetting to individual people. Especially in these cases, I recognize that it is highly difficult for people to take on such a goal-oriented approach.

I am additionally committed to my approach because I know that there are some people who will be receptive to it, but not everyone can make use of it. As such, many people I know in my life ask for me to mediate conflicts or help them figure out how to change someone’s mind. I am an ally to many causes by being this more neutral, more open-minded person. I have received criticism for this before, that there’s no point trying to change bigots’ minds or that there’s no arguing with certain people. However, as someone who acknowledges that she could have become someone completely different (someone who thought poverty was the fault of the poor, that sexual assault is fault of the victim, that being gay was an abnormality, etc.) I know for a fact that people, especially younger people, can change their minds, given the opportunity.

However, like I said, this method is time-consuming and emotionally taxing. And as much as I want to help people, I also have an obligation to myself. So, part of the reason I avoid toxicity and passive-aggression or fan/anti debates is because I’m… I’m on Tumblr for fun. For a good time. Why would I willingly throw myself into more trouble when I can avoid it? The thing is, I already know that I can’t change everyone’s mind, so it doesn’t matter if I don’t go in and engage every single person on Tumblr whose opinions I disagree with. Instead, sometimes I’ll get Anons who ask my opinion on certain topics, and I can make a long post like this one. People interested in the topic will then read and reblog it, and it will eventually reach a wider audience. The thing about my approach is, I can’t please anyone on any one side. I have people who disagree with me on both sides… but, unlike other approaches, I also have people who agree with me on both sides. In any case, I’m on Tumblr for fun, and I don’t have a responsibility to anyone but my own followers.

That is also why I try to keep my Tumblr free of discourse, for the most part. Not everyone can handle emotionally charged controversy, and not everyone can easily ignore it if it just shows up on their dash. Although I try to tag everything so people can opt in and out of content, I also want my blog to be mostly a fun and friendly place for people where they can occasionally learn things. There are enough sources of stress in the world. I hope I’m never one of them. ((On occasion I will reblog a post which involves my political beliefs, but that is because I feel that, in this case, given the current US political climate, I would feel personally uncomfortable if I didn’t make my personal alignment known.))

Also, it’s important to note: If you’re engaging in dialogue and trying to change someone’s mind on a topic without thinking about how to succeed at it, at heart, changing their mind may not be your ultimate goal. Often times, a lot of Tumblr controversy comes, not from a place of wanting positive change, but wanting emotional gratification. Sending angry messages on the internet may feel good in the moment, but it often drags you into a frustrating argument that leads nowhere. It also will not have a long-term positive effect. Having the moral high ground in a situation can feel fantastic, and I’ve been there - but again, it doesn’t actually enact positive change. It just creates a survival-of-the-fittest environment for negativity. You’ll chase away the people who have room to grow, and only the loudest, most stubborn, most arrogant people will remain.

Further, getting angry at people’s opinions on the internet creates an environment where it’s terrifying to make mistakes. On the internet, it’s impossible to tell someone’s age and or circumstances. A lot of people on Tumblr are kids, and they may or may not be lying about their ages to seem older. Think about parenting, and how criticizing small mistakes in behavior can lead to a long-term fear of making mistakes. Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Creating a system where one mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life is counter-productive to personal growth, and that’s what a lot of Tumblr controversy seems to be.

Actually, now that I’ve written all that, I just realized something I should have mentioned in the very beginning: I am not someone interested in changing the world. I’m not even interested in enacting social change. That’s far, far, far to broad a scope for me. There are some people built for such positions, and they seek to enter politics or start grassroot fundraisers, etc. I am not such a person.

Instead, I hope to become someone who can be a positive source of change for individuals. I don’t want to change the world or society, but I hope to be someone who can change one person’s worldview. An act of kindness for to a person who has lost hope. Someone who can translate languages and bridge cultures for individual people. Someone who can inspire someone to commit to their own self-development.

To this day, I consider learning that I inspired someone to learn a new subject or pursue a new career path my greatest achievements. Few things delight me more.

I want to be a writer, and if the book that I publish can make a positive impact on just one reader, I will consider that book successful. That story would have been one worth telling.

There are some people who can make a goal to change the world and make it happen. I find that far too grand a dream for me. I lack the motivation for it, the strength of will for it, the vision for it. However, engaging with people one at a time, I can manage. So, there really is no reason for me to engage in Tumblr discourse. If someone comes to me directly, I can work with that. I can talk with someone one-on-one, and who knows, maybe I will come out the person changed. But that’s a personable scale, and it’s a level that I can comprehend.

I cannot change the world itself, but I can change the world for one person.

I don’t know if this was the answer you wanted, Anon, and I’m sorry it’s so long, ahaha. Ultimately, my advice to you is, decide what kind of person you want to be, and work towards it. This isn’t about achievements or careers, etc. - those are external things that label you. Who do you want to be? What kind of impact do you want to have on others? What kind of impression do you want to leave? And all the while, what role in life are you comfortable with on a physical, emotional, and ethical level?

After you figure that out, think about how you can become that person. The thing is, you never will, not completely, but you can improve yourself month by month and get a little closer, and every step closer to being that person is a victory.

Most people in the world never take the time to think about it, so by taking the time to do so, Anon, you’ll already be a step ahead.

..... I feel like after all that, I didn’t actually... answer the question very clearly. I’m sorry;; I hope you got something out of this ridiculous response, Anon;;;;

#Anonymous #sableaire #discourse #mistakes #personal growth #character development #advice #sableask #philosophy #personal philosophy

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survivormyanmar-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Ep. #7 - “Who Knows What's Going on Anymore, Because I Don't Know What The Fuck Is Going On. I Never Have, I Never Will, Because I Will Always Be In The Minority. Whatever.” - Leah

The tribes merged and were given the day off to get to know each other. Their first challenge was a reward challenge and the tribe was split into 2 teams of 6. The reward ended up being Immunity and the winning team would not attend Tribal. With only 6 people going to Tribal, 5 faves and 1 fan, the scrambling began. Linus had showed everyone his Hidden Immunity Idol at the previous tribal council and was almost guaranteed to play it here. The alliance of Steffen, Amanda, and Ashley still decided they should split the votes between Linus and Sam. Jay and Sam had other plans though and used Linus to help take out Steffen in a 3-1-0 vote with Linus playing his idol and cancelling out two votes against him. Steffen became the first member of the jury and passed the Legacy Advantage along to Ting Ting.

YES it’s a strategy for me to dumbly banter on tribe calls. If I can do anything to keep myself safe imma do it

GUESS WHICH BITCH IS READY TO BE QUEEN OF PONDEROSA

Wow a lot happened tonight. Starting with Togye tribal, Nehe is gone. Which was actually the result of Brett being brilliant. He essentially told Tommy that Nehe was being a snake and everyone ended up switching their votes to Nehe as a result (except me, cause I’m stupid and had no idea what was happening). Whether or not Nehe was always the target remains to be seen but Brett saved both of us. I owe him my life in this game. I’m not sure where I stand with Tommy, Sam, Ashley or Amanda so I’ll have to do a bit of damage control. Next, seeing Krysten being voted off Mata was a bit heart breaking. She was part of the Official Five alliance made on Day 1! That alliance was systematically picked off these last three votes leaving just Brett and myself. I was really hoping Krysten would survive until the merge. I trusted her more than Leah and Linus. On a super negative note, its now 8 faves vs 4 fans. So we’ve got a lot of digging and clawing to find a way into a solid place in this game. It’s certainly possible, Brett has a working relationship with Tommy and Sam (he saved Tommy, who was the intended vote instead of Nehe) and I’ve got sort of a relationship with Ashley (and to a lesser extent Amanda). Things might turn out well but it will take some effort.

If our tribe name truly ends up being Toga Tata, I will systematically vote out everyone who pulled for it, starting with Brett and ending with Steffen because we’re allies.

Day 15 HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING. If I leave on Day 18 or whenever, it officially doesn’t matter. With three hours before tribal, I did some serious shaking to get NEHE tossed the fuck out of this game. I have a lot to thank TOMMY for as well. He did some excellent work with the ladies and they never suspected the information came from me–they bought that NEHE did all the blabbing. And SAM was great, too. I don’t know why KEEGAN still voted for TOMMY. I told him it was NEHE all the way, but he was really adamant at the end that the girls were going to vote TOMMY out, it seems. I’m just glad he didn’t get me to change my vote because 4-3 would have meant game over for both of us. No girls, no glory. But this move to eliminate NEHE, 5-2 (I’d have loved 6-1, but won’t be greedy), was a ball that I started rolling and managed not to fuck up so that it actually happened! I got to keep my ride or die KEEGAN in and get a move on my resume! The merge has gone down and now I’m feeling less pressure. Twelve people can be very overwhelming, but with 8 Favorites and 4 Fans, I have no high expectations about my winning chances at all. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to get as far as I can though! There’s a palpable divide between SAM/TOMMY & AMANDA/ASHLEY. My plan is to get the fans I trust (KEEGAN & LINUS��who has an idol, by the way!) on board so we become a Party of 5. TOMMY wants to work with JAY and together we make 6! I think we can go after LEAH, another fan who I don’t trust even a little bit–this round so that the Favorites don’t suspect anything. Maybe even unanimously can her. And that would allow a new six of myself, JAY, KEEGAN, LINUS, SAM and TOMMY to steamroll CHRISTIAN, TING TING, ASHLEY, and AMANDA (STEFFEN, too, but I like the guy, so I’d keep him around a bit!). ASHLEY has tried to cover her tracks so laughably. Either AMANDA or she did admit in their vote that they were in a secret alliance with NEHE! That was so bad of whichever one of them to do! Every action done by NEHE, ASHLEY, and AMANDA in the last 24 hours has validated every claim I made to SAM and TOMMY and now I really feel like they know that they can trust me, TOMMY especially. I have yet to tell TOMMY one thing that hasn’t ended up proven true. I think that will be very valuable. The reward challenge takes place today and the teams are split 50-50, so it really doesn’t matter who wins to me, but I’d rather KEEGAN and TOMMY go to the cave, so I really hope we win.

Okay, so much has happened since I last made a confessional. So apparently on the switched Togye tribe I was the target of a blindside with Keegan, Nehemiah, Ashley, and Amanda voting for me because of a secret alliance between Nehemiah, Ashley, and Amanda. Nehemiah told Brett so Brett would vote me out, however since I made effort after the Adrian vote to get to know Brett we have bonded really well and he told me about everything. So I had to defuse the situation so said Nehemiah was the one who exposed the secret alliance of himself/Amanda/Ashley to me. Which caused Amanda/Ashley to get p.o.ed and I was able to convince them to vote out Nehemiah. It worked, and I was the supposed blindside plan as I got 2 votes at tribal but everything turned out fine. I narrowly escaped what woulda been the end of my game. Then Krysten left on the other tribe during the second part of the double tribal. Now it’s Final 12 and we recently merged. 8 Favorites and 4 Fans left in the game but I feel as though it is time to switch it up and no longer go by tribal lines. It’s the merge and now it’s every man and woman for themselves. There are only 2 or 3 seats at Final Tribal so you have to be willing to make moves and get to the end without being taken out. Honestly after everything that happened last tribal I feel as though I’m near the bottom of the favorites, so no I’m not afraid to go work with the fans. They could be useful numbers! One thing I noticed which is really triggering is that Steffen is friends with everyone. This annoys me to no end because everyone wants to play with Steffen when in reality it’s not like everyone in the tribe is going to go to the end with Steffen. He needs to be taken out because people are so blinded and mystified by him. Jay and I are the only ones who have really been talking about some sort of rebellion against the favs but she wants to take out Amanda, which I personally believe is the wrong move. We have to take out Steffen, because if Amanda goes he’ll easily find someone else to replace her spot but this time make sure there isn’t a fighting chance that the minority can fight back. While if we take out Steffen now it might disband that entire alliance and leave all of em’ scattering. I think Jay and I can get a few people to vote with us. I think we can definitely get Brett, Linus, and Sam to vote with us because they know they don’t have many other options. We may be also able to trust Ting Ting, Christian, and Keegan, but not as strongly as the others. We only need 2 more and we’ll be fine. I’m gonna try to become more bubbly before tribal comes around and seem super Fav pride before tribal so that at this tribal coming up the other favs don’t really expect anything and don’t go after me. However, Steffen may know something is up if anything has already got leaked to him. Tonight I went on call with Linus and basically confirmed his vote with me, and I told him I’d be fine working with him long term game, which he accepted. I really don’t mind sitting next to a fan in the end because I just want to get there right now. It gives me a chance to plead my case to the jury as to why I should win, and having a chance to plea your case is better than being on the jury deciding who wins because you at least have a 33 or 50 percent shot at winning. Long term game I wanna cut out people who I don’t feel close to. So this means Steffen, Leah, Amanda, Keegan, Christian, and partially Ashley I want out. I would enjoy a Final 6 of Ting Ting, Jay, Sam, Brett, Linus, and Myself because I feel as though those are the people who I’m closest to in this game. I know though that’s probably not how it’s gonna be with all this cave junk and idols/double votes/immunity challenges. So my way to avoid being taken out of the game is I’m going to have to lower my activity level, and make people I’m not thinking as much as they may be thinking I am right now. I also need to strengthen my pre-existing relationships and build new ones if I have to. Lastly, just be a more trusting person and be a person who people feel safe to tell their secrets to. I really hope my team wins this reward so that way the favs who are going to follow Steffen don’t get to go to the cave and get these rewards. Also Amanda straight up lied to me saying her flashlight does nothing, Linus told me what that flashlight does and it helps with the cave. Like I’m over her, she lied to me and didn’t think I’d eventually find out. My plans for tomorrow are to talk to Jay about the possibility of taking out Steffen first instead of Amanda. Get in better terms with the fans. Talk to Ting Ting and Sam and try to make our game relationships tighter. Also casually talk to Steffen and Amanda so they don’t try to target me at this upcoming tribal council so I don’t get any votes.

youtube

MY FLASHLIGHT DOES STUFF?!?!?!?!?!

I am kinda scared. Due to some unseen circumstances I was unable to participate fully in our challenge, and our six now have to go to tribal. 5 faves and 1 fan. Yet Linus might have that idol he almost used last round but said he would save it. So now the faves are trying to come up with something. This may be when we have to start making moves…. RIP

I’m feeling unstoppable. Winning the second endurance challenge of the season and helping keep my closest ally safe is fantastic. Knowing that I don’t have to scramble and panic for this next tribal is great and Linus, my next closest ally, has a hidden immunity idol. So even though he’s going to tribal he’s not going home. It’s going to be so amazing watching the faves start to fall apart.

Whew! Not be first boot? Check. Not go pre-merge? Check. Not be the merge boot? Check. Make it to jury? Check! Thank god. My worry coming into the game was that I wasn’t going to make it to merge, and yet here I am. I’ve been pretty laid back and not as active in the tribe chat but I’ve been actively participating in challenges and helped my tribes pre-merge win immunities. But now that’s it’s jury phase I’m going to up my social game more(like in Sicily). And most definitely after this tribal council which I don’t have to attend! I suck in individual challenges, so I’m trying to make it to FTC again. Meaning I have to use my social and strategic game as my advantages once again. I’m so happy red team won and reward gave us immunity and a chance to go to the cave (which I haven’t done yet). In the beginning of the game it said the cave could either be good or bad if you decide to go. And because I get paranoid, with just my like I’ll come across something bad. Plus I’m horrible at finding idols.

Oh my god……………oh my god…………………………………this vote. This fucking vote. First of all a big fucking fuck you to Trevor and Owen for the ‘only the blue team goes to tribal’ twist. If I ever get the chance to physically fight you, I fucking will. But anyway. This vote. Sam and I are planning on flipping on the faves to vote with Linus against Amanda or Steffen. I’m going to sell it to the faves like 'Linus is going to play the idol, so we should split it 3-2 between Linus and Sam to get rid of the idol and lose someone who’s not in our “'main alliance”“ but here’s the tea. Linus isn’t going to play the idol and Sam and I are going to flip. And you know why Linus isn’t going to play the idol? He’s going to give it to me. He wants to test my and Sam’s trust so we can all go forward after this vote. And if he gets voted out because Sam flips, he wants me to have it. So this will be my first time ever holding an idol in any game, ever, because I'ma huge flop. I’m just praying this all works out but, hey, if it doesn’t and Linus goes home, I’ll have an idol, so it won’t be all bad.

Update: we’re going for Steffen. Fuck. The three of us decided that it’s just going to be too hard to rally the numbers in the future and this may be our only opportunity. Godt.

WOOOW, I sure have sucked at confessionals this round :P . Been to crazy to record whats going on. So lets just give a brief recap. I exposed the fuck outta myself for having an idol, everyones telling me different stories and for the sake of my own sanity I’ve chosen to believe (To an extent at least) Jay and Tommy. We should be voting Steffen, I’ve been told I don’t need to play my idol, Im having an existential crisis about whether to play it or not, I probably will play it because I cant afford to fuck this up. If the plan works hopefully we have majority next round, if it fails rip fans. And that gets us strategically to where we are. Onto the fun part, if Steffen does go I’ll be sad because literally my favourite new pastime is fucking with him, check this out xD. https://gyazo.com/cfe385f4aab56405a733929c380d14e1 https://gyazo.com/299d379c7bb0583df1b8955d7e3b617e I also made an idol necklace to wear at tribal so that should be pretty iconic :^). I was wanting to give Jay a fake idol to try and show an allegiance to her, but apparently I can’t get hosts to confirm the realness of a fake idol or even just hand it off to her, so that plan went up in flames haha. I was even tempted to give her the real one temperarily because right now I need to be set up for next round too. Sitting and playing passive will not work until my game stabilizes, and I was willing to take the risk of going home this round if it meant I got an ally who would be loyal going forward, but I opted against it. Wish me luck at tribal!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3XE4RSMT1A

MERGE MERGE MERGE MERGE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY AHHHHHHHHHH IM SO PUMPED. I beat my placement and finally made merge which was my goal so i feel like a weight of pressure i was putting on myself has been released which is great. That being said though BRETT IS A PIECE OF SHIT. He’s literally so fake he goes around running his mouth telling lies about me to ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS (Leah) so of course she tells me and then he messages me being like "oh em gee lol haha blah blah blah” no bitch. Dont talk to me. He literally disgusts me and i want nothing more than for him to leave but SOME PEOPLE DECIDED TO GIVE HALF THE PEOPLE IMMUNITY WHICH IS STUPID. It actually isnt stupid its a great twist from a hosts perspective im just annoyed that everyone i want gone is safe. So i made a chat with leah and steffen within seconds of seeing the merge post cause theyre my bitches and i love them so much so thats lit. And then i still have my chat with Ashley which is cute. But here’s something new we have a chat with me steffen ashley and jay for this tribal. The plan is to have me and ashley vote linus and steffen and jay vote sam just in case linus plays his idol. Im a bit nervous that theres a secret plan with jay sam and linus to get us to split the votes and then vote out me ash or steffen but idk im a paranoid bitch so i might just be crazy. Im putting my faith in the plan and if i go i go. If i stay than ill fight my ASS off to get bretts fake ass out of here next week :)

I only have a few minutes to jam this out, so let’s do this! With the tribe merged, we went into a reward challenge that ended up being an immunity challenge in disguise. It was another endurance challenge with posts every 30 minutes and penalties, but no eliminations. I wasn’t going to let KEEGAN take all the burden once again and I gave it my best, lasting to the end with him and TOMMY when STEFFEN finally conceded. In the process, I deceived JAY at the beginning of the game and she got 2 penalties for her team because of it–it helped us win the challenge sooner, but as a potential ally, JAY probably didn’t get a great first impression of me. Oops! There’s nothing in the Cave of Wonders for me ever. Oh well. As for winning immunity accidentally, it’s good and it’s bad. It’s bad because KEEGAN and I want to be in control of our fate as much as we can and we will not have votes this week. The good news is that there’s a pact forming between KEEGAN, LINUS, SAM, TOMMY, JAY, and myself as the loyal Fans (LEAH doesn’t count) and the despondent bottom-rung Favorites. As my suspicions of LEAH have all along been correct (insofar as we know), it seems that she has pre-existing relations with AMANDA and STEFFEN from the ORG community and she is loyal to them. It all makes sense to me now! Even if it’s not true, I’ve never had confidence in LEAH or cared to really work with her, so it’s no sweat off my back if she’s actually innocent. Anyway, with immunity given to half the tribe (who are also unable to vote), 3 of the 6 of our newly-formed alliance are in the mix (JAY, LINUS, SAM) along with 3 of the opposition (AMANDA, ASHLEY, and STEFFEN). The plan is to get the opposition to believe that the collective Favorites (everyone but LINUS) should split their votes–4 on LINUS and 1 on JAY. However, JAY and SAM will actually vote for AMANDA with LINUS and the vote will be 3-2-1 to eliminate AMANDA. LINUS is unsure whether or not he should play his idol as a surefire safety. I think he should because we don’t know if we can completely trust JAY yet and even SAM acts a bit fishy sometimes. When he told me elements of the plan, he wouldn’t paint the whole picture and told me it’s best if I’m in the dark about some things. I like knowing things, so that doesn’t really fly with me. So just in case, I do think LINUS should play his idol. If AMANDA goes home, my heart goes out to her, but she really had her chance. She empathized with the Fans since her last season was Fans vs. Favorites and her Fans alliance was decimated and she was eliminated pre-merge. So she did what others did unto her in her last season only to possibly go out only one placement higher and on the same day! She was voted out Day 17 of her previous season. It’ll be crazy if she suffers the same fate. And while I’d rather ASHLEY leave, AMANDA dug her own grave if this plan does indeed end up working. Hopefully everyone does what they should.

Me finding out tribal isnt until 10:30 and i have to sit waiting for this shit to hit the fan even longer : https://66.media.tumblr.com/cafd74179121e455c36ecd78471a2010/tumblr_nkpzoyDeZL1uokvyoo1_500.gif https://38.media.tumblr.com/b70024042064b56ef426ec84ae9a718d/tumblr_nl2nniuLvi1sklh5yo1_500.gif http://67.media.tumblr.com/703de63229d0a1f1a68613e55922c0e2/tumblr_nl0jxfn2DA1sqbiv1o6_400.gif http://67.media.tumblr.com/dc2e888c514c483f923c8372a1f9552d/tumblr_nkeojciu3U1sqbiv1o6_400.gif http://66.media.tumblr.com/222dc48daa17ff70e6de8d68978ae30c/tumblr_nlhc34HyPw1u4mldxo2_400.gif http://66.media.tumblr.com/bc5a3ddd89f33e312ca93bdf69935660/tumblr_nl0jxfn2DA1sqbiv1o3_400.gif https://38.media.tumblr.com/2374f1cd234ec529796ca676307de037/tumblr_nlc7tpkqsp1sklh5yo1_540.gif

#mustlearntoadapt #confessionals

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