#i don't like the final result as i hoped so

[pittrabbit]

warning: angst, fluff, resolution of feelings yay, kissing, a lot of smut, p in v sex, not proofread!!!!, age gap (think 28 and 49), horribly incorrect medical terminology, made up lore about jack's former wife.

summary: after finally snapping at jack, he does something he'd never done before: he grovels. finally allowing himself to let someone in, he chases after you in hopes of doing things right this time around.

word count: 4.3k

part 1

only a few days passed after that last, unfortunate, encounter with you before another harsh day made its way to the ER.

jack couldnt help but worry about you on the harder days at the job. you'd gotten to know each other well enough for you to know each other's coping mechanisms. you knew about his therapy, about his habit of coming in to work when sleep couldn't find him. and in turn, he knew of your loneliness, of your inability to decompartmentalize your emotions after a particularly difficult shift.

this worried him as soon as a massive casualty hit the ER. it had been a car crash. a blunder involving a drunk driver and a truck packed with a family of six. only one survivor — a six year old little girl. it had taken the entire day, with tireless attempts at saving the family, at saving the drunk driver and his passenger, but it was all futile.

you worked along each other, ignoring any issues between you as you attempted to save a young 12 year old boy with head trauma. it was grueling, an impossible case to deal with. and it all proved useless, resulting in the outcome jack saw coming within an hour of working the case. but he continued upon your insistence, realizing you were crashing out and wanting to be there to catch you.

after it was all said and done, he trailed after you, watching from afar just in case. he wanted to ensure you were fine, even if it was from a distance.

it was a selfish need, but he seemingly couldn't help his selfishness when it came to you.

it was surprising to him when you accepted princess' invitation to join the crew in some after-work drinks at the park. it meant he no longer had to keep his distance. it meant he could at least save himself from worrying about your mental state as you went home alone, that he could make sure you could decompress before heading home.

and so now he sat there, beer in hand as he actively avoided looking your way.

he didn't want to be obvious, didn't want to make you uncomfortable or like he kept you under close watch. he had already been scared that you'd leave as soon as you realized he was tagging along. so he wanted to keep his distance, or to at least make you think that he was.

one by one, people began leaving, all while you stood there, mostly quietly nodding along to people's jokes and commentary about the hard day.

in the end, it was only you, jack, robby, and collins left. the more people that left, the harder it was for jack to not zero in on you, to not want to go up to you and grovel, to take the chance that you were finally in his vicinity to make things up with you.

robby — a smart man — and collins — an even smarter woman — took his silent pleas into consideration, eyeing each other before getting up from the bench they were sharing with jack. collins went to give you a quick hug as a goodbye, insisting you take her seat on the bench. knowing you'd hesitate, she guided you despite your lighthearted objections.

robby was the last to say goodbye, offering his friend a subtle nod in encouragement before leaving you on your own.

the silence was heavy, creating warmth in the otherwise chilly atmosphere of the park.

jack remained silent for a few moments, still facing forward as he sipped at his beer.

"kid," he broke the silence, giving you space to speak.

"can we ... can we not talk? i just, i don't know if i can handle talking to you right now," your voice was broken as you said it.

it made jack's heart clench, in pain at the fact that today's events weren't the only reason why you were hurting. it was because of him too.

his body turned to yours on the bench, finding you shelled off, shrinking into yourself as your legs pressed together and you looked down at your lap. it took him a moment to realize you were crying, small sniffles leaving you before a sob escaped your lips.

"fuck, kid ... c'mere," he grabbed his leg off the bench, scooting to your side and wrapping his arm around you.

surprisingly to him, you leaned in, allowing yourself to nuzzle into his chest while he pressed kisses against your hair, humming in a comforting manner as he remained pressed into your hair.

"i- i don't-"

"you don't gotta say anything. just stay here," he reassured, "i'm here, kid. i'm always here."

you stayed silent for a beat or two, "are you, jack? because it really hasn't felt like it lately," you pulled away just enough to look up into his eyes, finding them glassy just like yours.

his gaze averted, swallowing as he attempted not to let the shame show in his features. thing was, you had a point. jack was very well aware of how hot and cold he'd been with you, how little explanation he'd given you for it.

and though he'd been trying to make up for it, he had felt too ashamed to even try and be assertive about it all. communication, something he valued incredibly (specially after all those visits to his therapist), had failed him any time he tried to let himself get closer to you. he felt like a hypocrite telling robby all about therapy and letting himself be vulnerable, all while he did anything but.

truth was, it had been a very long time since he'd felt like this. it had been twelve years since the passing of his wife, an event that had altered his life beyond belief. it had only been a year since he'd stopped wearing the ring to work, advice given with some hesitation by both his therapist and robby. something about needing to move on, to stop being stuck in the past.

it didn't prove useful for a while. it certainly opened up doors for women flirting with him any time he found himself at a bar or outing with his coworkers, but he never really engaged with it, not feeling quite ready for it.

but then he met you.

the effect of meeting you had been almost immediate, he just hadn't realized it until later. and it was this realization that led to him ruining everything.

he cared about you far too much far too quickly. when he finally came to realize it, he knew he was in too deep and completely unprepared for his feelings. attempting to bring it up during therapy had been futile, as he had already made up his mind to let you go, to keep you at an arm's length even if it ended up hurting you both in the process.

you were too young, too new, too polished — and that was completely ignoring the fact that you were his subordinate. being with him would mean dirtying you up with all his issues, forcing all of his trauma on you, showing you the ugly parts of himself that had not seen the surface since his wife had passed. and even then, he'd only gotten worse with time, even more closed off. even his wife wouldnt have been able to handle the dark cloud constantly hanging over his head.

he kept it hidden. he told jokes, encouraged students, was there for his friends, but beneath the surface was too much for him to unravel in front of you.

but pushing you away clearly hadn't been the solution.

because now he found himself even more miserable than before. and even worse, he found you destroyed by his actions, crying as he held on to you late at night on a public park.

"i'm here, kid. i'm always here, you know that," he finally answered your question, pulling you even closer, perhaps more for his own sanity than yours.

you continued looking at him, a knot in your brows and a pouty lip sticking out, giving him the look of a petulant child.

"you can't do this, jack," you shook your head, correcting yourself, "i mean, doctor abbot. sorry, force of habit."

he shook his head slowly in return, lifting up a hand to your cheek and making you turn to him, "hey, it's jack to you, okay? none of that formality bullshit."

you scoffed, "how- how am i supposed to read you, jack? how do i know when you're doctor abbot to me or when you're jack? i'm ... i'm so tired of this. i don't think i can do this anymore," you paused, scooting back slightly so you could look at him better. you swallowed and looked away for a brief moment, as if you needed to build up the courage for what you were going to say next, "i applied at a hospital next town over to continue my rotation there. they, uhm, they called me yesterday. i just need to sign the papers and then-"

"what?"

he turned serious, harshly grabbing his prosthetic off the floor and putting it on before standing up with conviction. chuckling with bitterness, he ran his hand down his face, turning to you as he paced in front of the bench you'd been sitting on.

"you're, what, you're leaving? its- it's that easy for you?"

then you turned serious, anger invading your features before you got up and stood in front of him, chin tilted upwards as you spoke.

"easy? you think this shit is easy for me? i've been here for almost a year. i love everyone here, but you- god, you're driving me fucking insane. what do you even want from me?," you ranted, hands flying up and down as you spoke with conviction, "first you teach me, you take me under your wing, you treat me as your favorite, and you- you make me think that maybe you might even like me" you paused, looking away for a second with insecurity behind your eyes, "but you were too much of a coward to admit it to yourself and decide to shun me instead? you push me away, refuse to teach me, fuck, you acted like you hated me — no, but here's the kicker! when i do the same in return, that's when you decide to switch it back up on me? what am i supposed to do with that, jack? i can't deal with this anymore, i can't-"

jack had heard enough. truly, he had heard enough five seconds into your rant, but he'd never seen you speak with such emotion. he knew you needed this, to get all your anger for him out of your system so you could complete the cycle of emotions you were going through because of him.

it was just that he needed to get something out of his system too.

taking two determined steps towards you, his hands went up to your cheeks, engulfing almost the entirety of your face in between them before pulling you towards him.

kissing you had been the most decisive thing he'd done since meeting you. no overthinking, no faltering, just doing what he'd been too ashamed of even picturing for the past months in which he'd known you.

the kiss turned intense almost immediately, invading his every sense as he coaxed your lips open with his tongue before slipping it inside. you sighed, finally allowing him to feel your hands on him when you brought them up tot he back of his head, toying and pulling at his hair any time he'd suck on your tongue.

the sounds you released against his lips had him breathing in deep, almost as if buffering at the effect you had on him. his hands came down to your lower back, pulling you against his body, ensuring no space would be left between you.

admittedly, jack was not expecting you to pull away within mere moments of what he would've called a life-changing kiss. his lips chased yours for a few seconds before realizing what was happening, opening his eyes to find your eyes on his.

"n-no, jack! i can't do this, i can't just- i need something better than this. i deserve better," you reprimanded, but you didn't pull away. you stayed in his hold, with your hands now lying on his chest.

jack took a deep breath, giving himself a moment to enjoy the light breeze around you before zeroing in on your eyes. it was imperative to him to always look you in the eyes, to have his entire focus on you as he spoke to you.

"you're right. you deserve better," his hands went up and down your back in a comforting manner, "and i'll give you better. i'll give you anything you want."

"how am i supposed to believe that?"

you looked away, staring down at your feet due to the intensity of his gaze, but he wasn't having it. his hand went up to your chin, encompassing it between his thumb and his index finger as he lifted up your chin so you'd face him again.

"hey- hey, eyes on me. i- i cant explain what i feel for you, okay? i've been a fucking idiot, and i know i don't deserve another chance, but i do care about you. more than i can even understand," he began, not once leaving your eyes, "i did this all wrong. i didn't want you wasting your life with an old man like me, with someone who doesn't even know how to love anymore," his hand went up to trace your cheek with his thumb, "but i was wrong. and if you let me, i'll prove it all to you. what do you say, kid? will you give me another chance?", he practically pleaded, taking a deep breath before speaking again, "i love you, kid. i need you to at least know that."

you stayed silent for a few moments, scaring the fuck out of jack as you did so, but then you looked back up to him with a smile.

"you know, if we're gonna do this, maybe it's time you stop calling me kid, you old man," you nodded at him.

in disbelief, he laughed, shaking his head at you, "yeah? that's all you got out of this?," he laughed unlike he usually did, with jubilation that was unfamiliar to him, "hmm, how about 'baby,' then? huh? or 'honey'? 'sweetheart'? you gotta give me ideas here, kid. i don't know what the youth's saying nowadays."

laughing along with him, you nudged him in faux annoyance, "stop talking like that, you're not 70!"

he interrupted your teasing by burying his face in your neck, kissing it lightly a few times before reaching your lips, shutting up your laughter with his tongue in your mouth.

you fell into the kiss easily, moaning into his mouth when he deepened it and pulling him closer by twisting your fingers in his hair.

"hmm," you hummed when you pulled away, "i love you too, by the way. in case that wasn't completely obvious by now."

"i think i might need some proof, kid," he teased.

rolling your eyes, you scoffed, "again with the kid-"

but he interrupted you again with another kiss, this time heavier, this time more lustful. his hands traced your jaw, holding it in place so he could explore your mouth as he pleased.

your reaction to his touch, to his kiss, were nothing but euphoric to jack. you melted into him, humming and sighing at every swipe of his tongue against yours. jack pulled you closer by your hips, causing an incidental grace of your hips with one another. this pulled a groan from jack, who was already beginning to harden and knew he was a gone man upon the very first touch of lips.

"kid, i-"

"take me home, jack," you sighed, eyes closed and lips scraping by his own, not allowing him an answer before your tongue snuck out and licked at his top lip, sucking it lightly afterwards.

jack lost his sanity then, but he was fortunately well trained for such moments. he had a soldier's ability to remain stoic whenever necessary.

but the military didn't train him for how to deal with you.

so he caved.

"are you sure?", he tried to keep his composure, to think reasonably for the two of you.

your lips went south, reaching his jaw and then his neck as you kissed and sucked at it, moaning into his skin as if you were the receiver of the pleasure.

"please, jack," you reached his ear then, teeth scrapping his lobe, "i've been waiting for so long."

for the first time in more years than he could count, jack shuddered, a heavy exhale leaving him at your tongue suddenly licking at the shell of his ear. his hands gripped your hips, pushing you up against the hardness between you as he groaned.

"you want to kill me," he huffed, giving in.

"take me home so i can finish the job," you continued, relentless in ruining him.

he nodded, breathless, utilizing herculean effort to separate himself from you and grabbing your hand, leading you in the direction of his car parked a couple blocks away.

once in the car, you didn't want to keep your hands off him, pulling him in for another kiss before he could even fasten his seatbelt.

"you're going to make us end back at the ER, honey," he grumbled between kisses, hand on your wrist as you pulled his head towards you.

"fine, i'll calm down," you sighed dramatically as you pulled away (much to jack's hypocritical dismay)

౨ৎ

"you know, i always pegged you as someone a someone a little more shy," jack attempted to speak as you pushed him up against the wall of his apartment.

"yeah? you feel i'm taking advantage of you, doc?", you jested back, a cheshire cat smile on your slips as you had your way with him.

jack's hands remained on your waist, pulling you close while you peppered kisses down the length of his neck. they reached under your scrub top, feeling the warm skin at the dip of your back, groaning at the softness found there.

"take as much advantage as you want," he hummed after a few moments of silence, just taking in every touch you blessed him with.

your mouth creeped north reaching his ear, hands now under his shirt and tracing at the skin of his abdomen. breathing against his ear, you kissed it, whispering into it, "but what if i want you to take advantage of me?"

"fuck, kid ... you're going to kill me," but despite his words, his hands wrapped around you, nudging you up so you could wrap your legs around his waist.

it was a bit of a messy trek, but you made it to his bed in one piece, being settled down on it with gentleness. refusing to let jack get too far from you, your legs remained around him as he threw off his shirt, hastening in removing his prosthetic, shoes, pants, and leaving only his boxers on. he watched you intensely as he undressed, all while you made sex eyes at him, biting your lip and swallowing at every new sliver of skin uncovered.

"you look like you want to eat me," he chuckled, climbing the bed and kneeling on top of you, using his hands to lift himself up above you.

"there's a lot of things i want to do to you," you sighed back, lifting your head so you could steal a kiss, pulling him down by grabbing the back of his neck.

desperate for more, your legs fully wrapped around his back, pulling him down so your middles could connect. this earned a groan directly into your mouth along with a whine of your own. luckily jack took the hint, beginning to gyrate his hips against your own, giving you the desired friction despite your scrub pants and his boxers being in the way.

"oh, god, jack ..." you sighed, mouth open and allowing jack access to suck your tongue.

your hands became antsy, scratching at his back in anguish at the pressure you were craving in your stomach. meanwhile, his own hands slipped under your shirt once more, hesitant in pulling it up before you aided him in the act, lifting yourself up a bit in order to throw it off.

under it, he found a lacy bra, baby pink and contrasting against your skin perfectly. it was comfy, not too much, but it had a cute little bow in the middle, giving jack whiplash as he stared down at you dumbfounded.

"fuck, kid," he shook his head in disbelief, "i dont know if i can handle you," his lips lowered, kissing at your collarbones, dragging his kisses to your sternum and ending up at the top of your breasts.

"what, old man, you're gonna tell me you're out of practice?", you teased as you reached behind you to pull your bra off, making jack freeze against your chest for a second before allowing himself to look at your nude upper half.

"you're a fucking dream, kid," he huffed, voice in a complete state of incredulity. he then leaned down again, kissing at your breasts, licking and biting and sucking, taking in every moan that left your lips while his hips took on a slow and steady pace as they ground into yours, "don't even know where to start with you."

"just fuck me," you cried, pulling his head back up to your lips, "i want you so bad, jack."

he groaned at this, but even more so when he felt your hand reach down to his boxers, one hand slipping inside and gripping his dick while the other scratched at the hem, pulling down the fabric.

"you sure, baby?" he had to check one last time, though he knew he wouldnt be able to take it if you made him stop now. he had never felt this needy, like he'd die if he didnt get more of you.

you nodded with desperation, furrowed brows and pleading eyes staring up at him in a ruinous manner.

shuffling so you could remove your scrub pants and panties from under him, you finally ended up fully nude and ready, gasping when you felt his fingers run through the wetness between your legs.

jack grabbed at himself, positioning his dick right against your cunt and finally pushing in with a heavy grown.

dropping his head against your neck, he took a deep breath, groaning at the feeling of finally entering you.

"jack ... fuck, jack, you feel so good," you were delirious as you said it, nails already running down his back.

in the meantime, jack was in heaven. he hadnt felt so lightheaded in years. your mere touch already had his heart going a mile a minute and his brain turning off, but the feeling of you like this — warm, wet, welcoming — made every bit of misery in his life become worth it.

"fucking perfect ... that's it, baby, take it for me," he began moving, hips creating that slamming sound of skin that he'd grown so unfamiliar with.

the man above you lost himself in the pleasure, grunting in tandem with every thrust and wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you as close to him as possible, breathing in the natural scent of your skin.

and even though the pleasure was unimaginable, jack simply wanted more, wanted to have you louder, more broken for him. he'd always been a bit of an overachiever, after all.

softly, he pulled out, shushing you when you whined at the separation and getting you on your hands and knees. his hands massaged the skin of your hips, dipping your back lower so you'd arch it even more for him and groaning at the sight.

"look at you ..." he mumbled almost to himself.

then he entered you again, now deeper, heavier, adding more pressure to your belly and making you immediately wail at the feeling. that's when jack truly lost himself. completely drunk on the feeling, jack hammered into you, huffing and puffing at the overexertion of energy he was currently displaying.

"i'm gonna cum, jack, shit ..." you said with an uncharted desperation, only making jack speed up, knowing that the moment you came, he was gone.

and he'd been right. as soon as your climax took over you, you pulled him right down with you, forcing him to spill inside you without the ability to even warn you. you'd taken him by surprise as per usual.

there were, once more, complaints from you when he finally pulled out of you, leaving the warmth of your skin to clean himself up and wipe up any of his remains that spilled out of you. he just tutted at you, but still hurried himself up so he could finally lay down with you, have that intimacy he'd craved from you since day one.

side by side, jack felt offended by any amount of distance, pulling you as close as possible while his hands traced at the curve of your hips, grabbing your leg and throwing him over his waist so any distance would be eliminated. your hands played with his chest, fingers tracing figures at the expanse of it while you smiled shyly at him.

"how you feeling, gorgeous?"

you muffled a giggle by pressing your face into his chest, kissing the skin once, twice, before leaning up for a kiss on his lips.

"better than i've felt in a very long time. how about you, old man?", you hummed into his lips.

"never felt better."

"you just had to one-up me, didn't you?" you scowled falsely at him.

he tsk'd at you in fake annoyance, a very common display from him, "gotta keep you on your toes, kid."

note: did not know how to end it lol and its also not proofread but i hope you enjoy anyways!

[deepspacedarling]

HIYAA, so i saw your post abt getting into an argument with the LAD boys and was wondering if you could maybe do an extended version of everything but it ends in fluff? Obviously you don’t do all the boys, you can choose who you want to write it for. Thats alll BYYEEE

Making Up with the LADS Boys

Warning: None

AN: I was hoping someone would ask for this. Angst always makes me sad and if no one asked for this I was going to have to take matters into my own hands and write you guys making up.

Xavier, Zayne, Rafayel, Sylus, Caleb

Pt 1. How the LADS Boys Argue with You

Xavier

He still doesn't understand why you're upset with him. He still thinks he's right. But he acknowledges that he upset you and he wants to fix that. He loves you so much and you mean the world to him.

He might go to Jeremiah and ask for a second opinion to see if he's actually in the wrong. Whether he was or wasn't, he'll ask how he can make you feel better and resolve the issue.

He doesn't like going to bed angry with you. He'll spend the whole night figuring this out with you if he has to. Once the matter is resolved and you're both snuggled up close again together, he feels like everything is finally okay again.

Zayne

You guys don't go more than a day after the argument without him trying to come to you and resolve the issue. He doesn't like being upset with you and he knows that you feel the same. You're both calm rational adults. You can figure this out together.

Now that he's had a moment to calm down, he thinks over and over again about what he needs to say to you. He's got a whole script in his head to tell you how sorry he is and get his initial thoughts from the fight across without upsetting you. That all kind of goes out the window when you two start talking and he starts to flounder.

He's not the best with his words. He'll stumble during the conversation but he's earnest in his want to find a compromise with you. You two will get past this, he'll make sure of it.

Rafayel

Poor Thomas has to listen to him complain about your argument for HOURS. When Thomas finally tells him to go fix it, he grumbles and goes home. He'll come slinking into the house and you'll both eye each other warily to see if one of you is going to start arguing again before eventually he sighs and sits down. He's not getting up until this is fixed or you hurt his feeling again.

He'll apologize for hurting your feelings. He always tends to go for the jugular when he's upset and he knows that it hurts you when he acts like that. He didn't mean what he said but he knows it hurt you anyway so he's sorry.

He'll make sure repeatedly that you're not still upset with him after you both find a compromise. He doesn't want you to leave him so he'll do what he must to keep you even if that means admitting he was wrong.

Sylus

Initially, he'll try to buy your happiness back. Of course you'll stop being mad if he gets you that new car you wanted or that diamond necklace you were looking at. But then he realizes it isn't working and he has to shift gears.

He'll sit you down and listen to what you have to say. There's a long moment afterwards of him just thinking. He's not really the type of give in unless he's getting something out of it. He'll carefully maneuver the conversation so that you can find a happy medium. He's not willing to start a fight again but he's not willing to just give in either.

Once it's all said and done, he's happy with the result. He wants you to stay with him so he'll play nice even if it means he doesn't 100% get what he wants. What you want is important to to keep your relationship healthy.

Caleb

He'll do anything to get you to stop being angry with him. You don't understand. His brain is already conjuring up ideas of you leaving him. Of him coming home and your things are gone and he never sees you again.

He's much more receptive to your point of view once he's scared himself enough. He's still not 100% on board with your side of the argument but he's willing to compromise if it means you stay with him.

Once you've smiled at him and found a happy medium, he can finally breath again. You're going to stay with him. He's going to be okay. He needs to make sure that this argument never happens again. He'll do what he has to to ensure it doesn't.

Requests are Open!

[nineteenninety-six]

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝ Midnight Coffee

Pairing: John Shen x wife!doctor!Reader

AN: This is for all my Dr Shen truthers out there! Reader works in the morgue and is a doctor but I'm totally clueless about the nitty-gritty details so I left it vague. I did want to expand and write more but I was desperate to post this.

WC: 839

Warnings: Hospital inaccuracies, mentions on dead bodies and the results of Pittfest.

Synopsis: You take a much needed breather with your husband.

You were used to death. It was your job. Day in day out you saw and worked with death but today took a lot from you. The sheer amount of people who died brutally and scared for no other reason other than the selfish actions of a man.

You were drowning in the morgue, it was non stop for hours for you and your colleague, David, your turn that night after the ED and surgery had their chaos earlier that evening. There was a lull, a brief respite where you should relax back into a chair, close your eyes to relieve them from the strain and flex and rest your aching hands.

David watches you from their position across the table, they had arrived much later than you did and so you did a lot of work alone, which was something you did often enough but today was not an ordinary day.

"Take a breather" David tells you, "Fifteen-twenty minutes. Get a coffee and some fresh air."

You considered saying no but you honestly knew that you needed a break and so you nod, murmuring a 'thank you' as you push yourself up with a soft groan.

You grab yourself some shitty staffroom coffee before you walk to the ambulance bay and lift yourself up on the brick wall, letting your feet dangle freely. You smile as the cool breeze washes over you, it was stuffy in the morgue so this was a blessing.

Your smile quickly drops once you sip your shitty coffee.

"Hey"

You look over your shoulder and smile at the sight of your husband approaching you with an iced coffee and his hoodie.

"You're a sight for sore eyes" The sweet smile on your face is the one that is reserved only for your husband.

"Yeah?" John hands you the dunkin' iced coffee as he stands between your spread legs. "I hope you're always happy to see me."

"I am." You hum around your straw before the warmth of his hoodie envelopes you making you shiver in pleasure,"But with today... I really am glad to see your face."

John places his hands on your thighs, giving them a squeeze as he hums in agreement, "How long do you have?"

"Ten, maybe fifteen minutes" You check your watch, "You?"

"Ellis will come running if I'm needed"

"Not very attending like behaviour Dr Shen" You tease, "I'm telling Gloria first thing."

"Maybe she'll fire me and I can finally become a house husband."

"Not with that attending money you're making you're not" You scoff.

"So you're telling me you only married me for my money" John jokes.

"Yeah" You laugh, "Let's just forget the last ten years we've spent together and the fact you only became an attending three months ago."

"Can't believe we've been together for ten years" John pressed closer to you," How many more will you put up with me for?"

You wrap your arms around his neck, "At least for another five years but honestly... forever. I want to be by your side forever."

John pulls you into a soft but passionate kiss, pulling you deeper in love with him.

"And what about becoming Dr Shen?" John asks .

"I'm already married to you, you don't have to beg me anymore."

John laughs "First of all, I did not beg you. If I remember correctly, you enthusiastically said yes. Screamed it even. Besides, you know what I'm talking about."

"Sorry babe" You pull back slightly so you can look him in the eye. "I like my last name plenty enough and there's only enough space for one Dr Shen in this hospital."

"Is that a compliment?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

John rolls his eyes at your non-answer but this was a common light hearted back and forth between you, it was just a form of teasing and flirting for you two.

Your watch buzzes signalling the end of your break and you sign disappointedly. You took a couple more desperate mouthfuls of the iced coffee before returning it to John, not being allowed to bring a drink down to the morgue, along with his jumper before jumping off of the brick ledge you perched yourself on.

"Alright, I've got to go but I'll see you at the end of the shift."

"You think you'll be done by then?" John asks as he walks you to the elevator.

You shrugged, "No clue but Gloria has already given so much overtime tonight, I hardly doubt she will allow or approve anymore lest we lose ten nurses in return."

As the elevator reached their floor, you pulled John in a grounding comforting hug that will help you power through the rest of your day.

"I love you," You murmured into his chest, "So much."

"I love you too" John presses a soft kiss to your lips, "More than you can imagine."

You step away and into the elevator, pressing your floor and you wave at John until the doors close in front of you.

[candy-heart-brew]

I've seen a few people in the notes positing that Frank and Julie have a "lavender relationship," aka a relationship where both people are queer and covering for one another. But- no disrespect to the people who proposed the idea- I just don't think that's what's going on here.

Spoilers under the cut

Being in a lavender relationship requires both people to be aware of their partner's queerness as well as their own and to be accepting of it and I don't think that's really the case for either of them. Frank is gay, yes, but we've never actually received confirmation that he's out of the closet. And while Clown has confirmed that Julie is bisexual...

...I don't think she's accepted that part of herself, if she's even aware of it at all.

If you've grown up in an era where queerness has been considered more-or-less acceptable, as many of us modern viewers have, it can be hard to imagine but back in the time period Welcome Home would've been airing (late 60s-early 70s), queerness of any kind was broadly considered a mental disorder. In those days, being outed as queer was enough to get someone forced out of their job and often resulted in them becoming social pariahs- they were seen as mentally deranged at best and as active predators at worst. As you can imagine, that sort of culture created an environment of fear wherein people were encouraged to repress their true selves under threat of widespread social rejection. So while yes, there were "lavender relationships" where both parties were queer and knew it, there were many, many more relationships comprised of queer people who were so terrified of what might happen to them that they forced themselves to be in relationships with people they didn't love just to stay safe, many of whom were so deeply closeted that they never came to terms with themselves.

Now, bringing it back to Julie. As we see in the hidden videos, Julie represses parts of herself that contradict her cheerful exterior: her fears, her frustrations, her desire to feel loved, and so on. If she and Frank really were in a lavender relationship, I think she'd trust him enough to be vulnerable in front of him...

...instead, she's terrified of him seeing the one flower that failed to bloom, the one crack in her cheerful facade. And it's not just him she's afraid of.

The threat of complete community rejection is always in the back of Julie's mind, forcing her to bury her true feelings time and time again until they inevitably bubble to the surface once more. And why wouldn't it be? She's seen how they treat the one person in town who appears to be openly queer- she's seen how they treat Eddie- so why would she be any different? If Julie were to confront her own bisexuality then she risks becoming a social pariah much like Eddie and for someone as extroverted as her, such a fate would be unbearable. Thus, she does to the tulip what she's done to herself so many times before: she buries it where no one will see it. Because she just doesn't trust that Frank will still care for her even if she can't make a single flower bloom.

Quick disclaimer: I have absolutely no anger nor ill-will towards people who suggested they're in a lavender relationship and I hope this post doesn't come across as vitriolic. If you suggested that theory in the notes, I don't think you're stupid or anything I just really wanted to go into detail about this aspect of Welcome Home so please don't think you did anything wrong.

Finally, if you'd like to read more about this period of queer history, click here. (Always cite your sources, kids!)

WH Spoilers below

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I think this flower is meant to be symbolic of Frank and Julie's relationship.

This past update all but directly stated that Frank and Julie are a couple in-universe- they star in Sweetbriar together, refer to each other with names like "Julie Dear," and Julie introduces him to her family the way you'd introduce a romantic partner. Of course, Frank is gay, Clown confirmed that long ago and you can feel the underlying discomfort whenever he has to act as her boyfriend: his attempts at being romantic in Sweetbriar are stilted and awkward, he appears exasperated with her more often than not, and his attempts at affection feel more like he's placating a child rather than interacting with his romantic partner. To put it simply: their relationship simply isn't working and that fact is becoming harder and harder to deny.

Julie isn't stupid, she knows that she's the one doing all the legwork in this relationship. She's always the one to initiate things between them: displays of affection, games, dates, it's always her trying to move things along and its taking a toll on her.

She's trying her very hardest to make this relationship work but it just isn't, Frank is keeping part of himself closed off from her and she knows it but nothing she does can get him to open up to her. But she keeps trying. She excessively compliments him, drags him out to places she thinks he'll like, rarely gives him a moment alone, and just generally tries to appear happy and unbothered about everything.

Now we come back to the flower.

Julie drags Frank out into the woods to see her make this flower bloom but it just doesn't. She tries talking to it, playing games with it, showering it with attention and affection...but nothing works. It's not the flower's fault that it can't bloom, it's a sad fact of life that some flowers wilt before they can fully blossom and there's nothing anyone can really do about that. But Julie can't accept it. It's her job to make the flowers bloom, what would everyone think if she couldn't get this one little flower to open up to her? So much of her sense of self is tied up in this, it's literally what she was made to do, so if she fails at it then what does she have left? Who is she if she can't make this work? She doesn't know and the longer the flower stays closed, the more aggressive she becomes. She pleads with it to just blossom before anyone sees, desperately apologizes for perceived slights, and when all else fails, resorts to burying it altogether so that no one can find it.

Julie's breakdown feels to me like someone coming to the slow realization that a relationship they've poured so much of themselves into just isn't going to work but they're so terrified of the unknown that they can't accept it. Of course, the comment she makes in the last video about potentially getting into trouble could imply that she can't give up on this relationship even if she wants to but it's a bit too soon to say for sure.

All I can say for certain now is that Frank and Julie are in a relationship that neither of them are truly happy with... and it's starting to drive her insane.

[a-very-tired-jew]

It finally happened. I met a new, they've been here for a year but I've never met them before, doctoral student in my discipline who is defining their research by their activism, which in turn is showing how ignorant they are of our field and how much they want to manipulate it to support their conclusions. Furthermore, it also shows how ignorant they are of entomology. I'm really hoping their committee members and PI will address this before the student makes some serious mistakes and either causes their own name to be black listed as a scientist willing to compromise experiments for the sake of their own bias or they waste an excessive amount of time chasing a conclusion they want that isn't supported. The research interest in question is regarding development rates of forensically relevant blow flies on large and small corpses and determining if this influences development. The problem here is that we've done large, medium, and small carrion and corpse studies in the past and sort of answered this already. The conclusion is that there is a critical resource threshold that prevents an over abundance of oviposition on a resource and thus prevents prolonged development and/or death due to an inadequate amount food.

Now, there's no issue with repeating studies from one region and environment and doing them in a completely new one. This allows us to confirm and adjust our datasets based upon local environmental influences on local insect populations (i.e. differential development times based upon locality).

However, know that pigs mimic humans in their decomposition and thus we get the same blow flies. If you move to a different animal then you tend to get different species of blow fly based upon the size and species of the new carrion host. There are blow flies that are more inclined to feed and reproduce on birds, rabbits, and so on.

There are a variety of studies out there where scientists just beginning to dabble in forensic entomology put out something like a dog carcass for research purposes. They almost always end up with a community of insects that maybe has 1 or 2 species out of, let's say, 10 that are actually used in forensics and the rest are not because they don't feed on human corpses. So they make their conclusions based upon a dog study and then get confused when their data does not resemble the data from human/pig studies.

Simply put; it's a noobie mistake.

Which is fine if you're an undergrad or just starting the forensic entomology discipline and research in your country.

But for someone to be in the USA with access to experts and making this level of mistake is concerning.

Now why are they actually doing this?

They said to me, and I quote, "Because they're killing kids in Gaza".

And this shows where the bias and ignorance interplay.

Let's say that they continue with the size differential study(ies) that they want to do. We are in the southern United States. The species of blow flies we have here and the environment we are working in is entirely different. Any conclusions that are the results of this research have no impact or bearing on determining the development rate of blow flies half way across the world. The environmental conditions alone are so different that any application would be shoddy and questionable at best, let alone the fact that there are complete different subfamilies over there which we are not familiar with nor have been studied to the extent that species over here have.

So either this student has to mimic the environmental conditions for the field research they want to do and bring in foreign species or they're going to do the noobie stuff and put out animal carcasses of different sizes and have native species colonize them. The former is impractical and nearly impossible, the latter has been done.

But they want their research to be applied to Gaza because "it means so much to them" (keep in mind this student has no connection to Israel or Palestine at all).

And this is where the issue with their activism and bias comes into play.

The fact that any research they do here with native species has little to no application to a region of the world with a completely different environment and insect community has not occurred to them. A doctoral student. At best they create a model that can be mimicked by entomologists in the region, but that's it. This is concerning and indicates that the activist thinking is superseding the scientist, which in turn means their research can potentially be compromised to support the conclusions they want instead of interpreting the results for what they actually mean.

This is a type of Type I error and we've seen it a lot with scientists who want to support a particular narrative.

But at the end of the day I'm literally just flabbergasted that a doctoral student in entomology is wanting to repeat studies we've already done, by people they know no less, apply said studies and conclusions to a foreign conflict and region, and no one on their committee has pointed out the issues to them.

[hammerhead-jpg]

They're so everything to me

I stole both of the poses from a drawing the user tacodemuerte on Instagram did (they drew it better than me tho)

Speedpaint under the cut (WARNING: flashing imagery)

If you by chance noticed that I posted like one speedpaint besides a drawing I did and never did it again, it's because making speedpaints in firealpaca is A PAIN IN THE ASS. Unlike with other apps like ibis paint or procreate it's not something that it just does automatically for you. No instead you have to manually start a speedpaint and save it as a file on your computer. But of course it isn't just as simple as that no no, you have to manually end the recording as well and export it as a gif, and if you don't the speedpaint isn't going to be able to be opened. That means that if you plan to close the program you need to end the recording and start a new one the next time you start up again, and you better hope your program doesn't crash because the actual drawing might be auto saved but the recording sure as hell won't!

And believe it or not I don't really finish full render drawings in one sitting. But the thing is that even if I did I still wouldn't be able to have only one recording because if you keep it recording for too long the file will crash when you try to end it and your speedpaint will be lost forever, so you have no other choice but to have multiple short parts of it

And an important piece of information to keep in mind is that there is an option for how long you want the gif to be, but I set it as the no specific length option because I don't the different gifs with be different levels of sped up (since in theory if I set every gif to let's say 60 seconds, a recording that is 2h and one that is 20 minutes is going to be the same length which obviously means different levels of getting sped up) which resulted in some of the gifs being up to 3 minutes long. So because I don't want to post like 16 separate 20second to 3 minute gifs here I put it in an editing program where I can put them all together and then speed up the final video which means I have to send them from my computer to my phone via email.

This is where the pain really starts.

The 6th gif doesn't want to load so I send it again. It doesn't want to load again. I connect my charger to the computer so I can transfer it manually. It isn't working. Oh wait nvm I accidentally sent over the png version (because did I fail to mention that it also saves a png for some reason?). Send over the gif version, it doesn't send. Try it like ten more times. It still doesn't send. I try downloading it through email again. Nvm it downloaded

Then all of a sudden the editing app is telling me I don't have enough space to insert the gif in. So I have to clear up some storage in my phone.

When I tell you. Every other time I had to either import the gif or even download it I had to clear up space on my phone. And there were like, 17 gifs. I deleted hundreds of pictures and videos. I deleted apps. I deleted things I cannot get back. For a FUCKING SPEEDPAINT. My phone literally crashed as I was doing this. NEVER IN THE 6 YEARS I HAD THIS FUCKING PHONE DID IT EVER CRASH?!? I cannot begin to describe the awfully repetitive and soul sucking loop that I had to go through. Because of the nature of the program I can't put a gif in and then delete it from my gallery because it would just delete it in the project too

And even once I downloaded and combined all of them I still wasn't done

Because despite all of them being speed paints they were around 26 MINUTES COMBINED.

I mentioned that I speed up the finished result because of this yeah? Well I would usually do this by exporting the unsped combined video and then speeding it up in another project so that I don't have to set each video in the program to a specific speed only to realize "hey I actually want it faster/slower" and go redo all of it. Well today I had to do exactly that considering that if downloading 3 minute gifs was enough to break my phone I didn't want to even think about what would happen if I attempted to download a 26 MINUTE video so yippie

I know a lot of this was my fault considering my storage has been almost full for some time now, but still it's safe to say I won't be making speedpaints for some time

Thank god I don't post on TikTok because if I had to receive a "can I see the speedpaint?" comment on every single drawing I ever made I would have to start putting people's ips in my bio

[luciawithoutj]

Made this for that Discord art challenge.

[skeletalheartattack]

bozo dubbed over dubbed over

[sinnettini]

lorenzo sonego serves, winston-salem open 2024

photos by grant halverson

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

smile for the camera!

crisis belongs to @amyupup47

[piningpercussionist]

(ooc)

*clawing my way out of my grave*

I finally restocked the queue! Sorry for my continual Corpse behavior,, but you should have regularly scheduled content again for a bit!

[ronanlynchbf]

and then an overwhelming sense of dread apear.

[mikcschmidt]

I actually have . Much to say abt the monty erasure but I fear I maybe just autistic and overreacting n he will appear in a dlc or something I just love monty so much n him being cut out of that gingerbread cookie ruin art was my last straw ((slash jay

[tooies]

i wish i enjoyed making art aughhhhh

[viktortittiforov]

the 2010s sure were a time in my life

[awkward-teabag]

You know what, I'm going to add to this after all. Ray tracing is a gimmick and infamous for how intensive it is on hardware where it updates in real time, such as in video games. Before it was considered at all feasible outside rendering CGI, there were other methods of simulating light that were far easier for hardware to handle and, honestly, the difference between them (I can't remember what the name of the algorithm is) and ray tracing is minimal.

Adding to the problem is video card manufacturers pushing it while not increasing the VRAM on cards that are now expected to handle ray tracing, NPC scripts/AI, all other graphics, and stream encoding at the same time. GPUs have not seen a meaningful increase in VRAM in years despite the push of 4k graphics and ray tracing.

Oh and handling generating in-between frames to increase FPS/hide poor optimisation and up-scaling from 1080p to 4k or 8k. Sometimes both at the same time (in addition to the rest).

Further compounding it is consoles using stripped down versions of GPUs but not allowing users to upgrade them or other hardware. At least not in an easy way that doesn't void the warranty.

There's only so much that can be off-loaded to other components and it is a Choice™ to decide not to include an option to disable features that minimally improve the graphics (I specify graphics since more than one game has been released where turning off ray tracing wasn't the first thing recommended to turn off if you wanted to hit 30+ FPS) but can and do overwhelm GPUs.

Mandatory Ray Tracing should be banned in games. Genuinely absurd to think the majority of consumers are running high performing RTX graphics cards.