#i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to

[keen-li]

MA'AM

18+

MDNI

Neighbour au. age gap au (reader is older than jk). kissing, touching, oral (female receiving), fingering, jk calls reader ''ma'am''. reader is kinda lonely, bored and untouched. p in v, no protection (be wise and condomize guys).

this is all just fiction, don't take it too seriously.

plus im stil learing to write smut, so go easy on me.

helpful and positve feedback is appreciated.

Sorry for any typos.

--

‘’oh yn,’’ you hear a familiar boy-ish voice speak.

And when you turn, your eyes are met with jungkook.

You know him cause he’s your neighbour, but you rarely speak seeing that you have nothing in common but he’s always kind and sweet whenever you bump into each other.

Like right now.

‘’jungkook’’ you say surprised to see him. ‘’how are you?’’ you give him back a smile.

You haven’t seen him in a while, he must be busy with college (you assume) or maybe he’s busy with some girlfriend. Guys his age are usually swarmed with girls. Especially seeing how attractive he is. The college girls must be having fun with him.

You admire his hair that seems to have gotten longer. You can’t help but notice how good he looks with it.

‘’i’m good, hope you’re doing well..’’ he pauses in his speech ‘’haven’t heard from you in a while. I almost thought you moved out’’

You chuckle at his assumption.

You shake your head lightly as you chuckle ‘’nope. Just busy with work’’

‘’i dont think i’d ever move out honestly’’ seeing as this apartment has a fair price for rent.

He chuckles.

‘’im glad thought i scared you away’’ he says worriedly.

‘’you’d never scare me away’’ you mumble out suddenly feeling nervous.

‘’with all those noise complaints you handed to me?’’ He says with a warm joking tone.

You can’t deny that a lot of noise comes from jungkook’s apartment, that you had to report him. You kinda feel childish for doing it, he’s a college boy anyways. All they know is noise.

‘’but i do get it. I make a lot of noise’’ he uses his pointer and middle finger to rub his lower lip, you get the chance to admire his tattooed finger and pierced lip.

You feel yourself swallow the lump in your throat and bite your lip. You don’t know why you always feel like this when talking to jungkook, maybe it’s his hovering figure, intimidating voice or piercing brown eyes. Even though his eyes give off a soft innocent look you can’t help but observe the sensuality in them.

‘’um yeah’’ you don’t know what else to say. Your eyes can barely look at jungkook while his eyes can’t stop looking at you. There’s no way a college boy can make you feel this nervous. You thought you had outgrown it.

Or maybe it’s the aloneness since your last boyfriend. It’s been quite depressive but you try and not let it eat you up.

But it’s hard when you and jungkook’s walls are as thin as paper. and can hear everything that goes on. Especially when he has a girl over.

You don’t mean to listen to what happens, but what else can you do when you’re laying in bed, bored and lonely. It seems sad you end up finding your hand in-between your thighs as you hear how jungkook pleasures.

With all the groans and name moaning you have come to the conclusion that jungkook must be a great fuck. But it’s not like you’ll ever know. Do you even want to?

You can never fuck someone younger than you right? You’ve always dated older men or at least someone the same age as you. You’ve never been with a younger guy before.

But jungkook seems like he could definitely go for an older woman.

Wait.

Does jungkook want you. He does seem to give off that vibe but maybe you’re in over your head. Jungkook wouldn’t want you there are so many better options for him. So many better girls for him. Not you.

‘’so do you like those?’’ he askes pointing to the basket you have filled with ramen noodles cups.

You chuckle embarrassed.

‘’ yeah i do but, i mainly buy them cause i don’t have time to cook’’

He nods.

‘’maybe i can come cook for you one day’’ you laugh but he’s actually serious.

‘’oh, i wouldn’t mind but i assume you’re busy with school’’ you swing the basket lightly and unconsciously.

‘’i can find time’’ he says a little rushed out.

‘’then i wouldn’t mind’’ you smile.

‘’you going home?’’ he asks.

You nod.

‘’i guess i can give you a ride home, if that’s alright with you’’

You wouldn’t mind at all.

-

The ride back home was quiet. It still baffles you to how jungkook has a car.

When you were in college you could barely find money to buy food, let alone a car.

And even with a job you can barely find money to buy or rent a car.

‘’thanks for the ride, it was nice meeting you today jungkook’’

The way you smile and say his name makes a hot flash rush through him.

If only you knew how many times his thought of you calling out his name. Sometimes he wishes it was you in his bed, toes curling and back arching.

If he got the chance, he’d show you how you deserve everything.

You don’t deserve to get yourself off and barely get off.

Did he ever say that the walls are so thin that he can hear you too.

He’s heard your frustrated moans and grunts. And all the times you cursed cause of how hard it was to get your high, sometimes his heard you cry and it breaks his heart.

He wishes he could get a chance to please you. He’s never wanted to please someone so bad.

He’s never been so desperate to get on his knees and run you dry of all your juices. To feel you claw at his back as you take him so well.

But he’s also never thought of being with an older woman.

Jungkook knows you’re older than him and he doesn’t mind. Actually he makes him want you more.

He wants you like air and if he doesn’t get you now he feels like he would stop breathing.

So if he doesn’t take this opportunity now he might never have the chance to.

‘’do you wanna, come eat ramen with me?’’

-

You don’t know how it happened. But he asked you to come over to his, you didn’t see a problem with it so you said yes.

But you don’t know how you went from laughing over some movie to grinding on his lap as your lips intertwine hungrily.

Fuck. You never thought you’d be doing this with your neighbour and fuck you never thought it would feel this good.

Your hands roam his firm chest, and your thoughts are proved right, he does like the gym. Though you could’ve known that without clawing at his chest.

These younger guys are always in the gym, like their life depends on it.

Your gasps and moans mix. You don’t know how innocent sounds of laughter turned into hot whimpers of need.

Maybe it was the stares that seemed to linger for longer than they should have.

Jungkook takes a moment to take in your face but then his lips are soon on yours again as eager as ever, and you accept them.

He kisses you with eagerness and desperation. Desperation to touch and feel you in every way.

You moan into his mouth as you feel the wetness grow between your legs. You hate how a college student, has you this hot and soaking wet.

You’re busy devouring each other’s lips but you don’t fail to recognize the tent forming and touching your centre.

Jungkook’s hands rummage over your back and over your hips and to your ass, he sqeezes your ass lightly which causes you to jumb lightly.

‘’you okay’’ he asks

‘’yeah just never had anyone squeeze my ass like that’’

That boy-ish smile of his is far gone, now a manly sexy grin paints his face. A grin like a wolf looking at a lamb as it’s next meal.

‘’you’ve never had someone touch you like that’’

You shake your head. You hate how jungkook makes you feel like a highschooler losing their virginity.

‘’who have you been fucking that doesn’t want to touch this ass’’ he squeezes your ass again, and you’re embarrassed when you release a moan at that action.

‘’i don’t know’’ your words come out more whiny than you’d like.

He moves to your neck and you move it to accustom him into the space. He places some wet and gentle kisses.

‘’i’m not like them though. I wanna touch every part of you. Wanna taste every part of you and feel you on me.’’ He kisses your neck again and the smacking sound of his lips meeting your skin causes you clench. ‘’i wanna treat you right, i wanna make you feel good’’

You don’t know how true his words are or if you can even take them seriously. Maybe it’s the lust talking. He’s a young man, he wouldn’t want to waste his days with you.

‘’don’t you have other, younger girls. You wanna make feel good.’’ You just had to ask.

The chuckles he releases causes a rush of blood to your groin.

‘’all i think about when i fuck them is you’’ he kisses you again.

You don’t want to believe him but your heart can’t help but flutter. You don’t want to get hurt again but something tells you jungkook is far from hurting you. But you can’t trust that feeling, what if that feeling is just how good it feels to be on him.

He has a great way with words and it would work on you every time, cause you haven’t grown out the naivety of your youth for some reason.

Jungkook knows when and how to say the right words which makes you scared. Which makes him dangerous. All these young boys are to slick with their words.

‘’yn, don’t think’’ he whispers against your lips. He must have noticed your distance all of a sudden.

‘’don’t think of anything but this’’ he pecks your lips.

‘’i’ll try’’ you coo.

‘’i’ll make you’’

his lips are back on yours desperately. And the sound of your lips smacking and you whimpers fills the room again.

His lips go back to licking and sucking that one spot on your neck. His mouth on your neck and hands on your hips helping you grind against his clothed crotch makes you gasp for air.

You’ve never had anyone take their time with you like this, they’re usually quick to just get it in. But not jungkook, he takes his time enjoying and tasting every part of you. Why wouldn’t he when he’s been thinking about this moment and taking cold showers to stop his natural desire for you.

Being with jungkook tells you how much you’ve been missing and how much you need to learn. It’s like going back to your college days.

‘’fuck jungkook’’ you moan when he nibbles at your neck. Your hands move from his chest to his neck then to his long hair.

You unintentionally pull at his hair and you love how he groans when you do so.

The need and ache between your legs grows strong as you grind harder on his lap. Jungkook watches how you move against him trying to find your high. He promises to give it to you but he needs to feel more of you before he does so.

You gasp when he plops you on your back onto his soft couch.

‘’jungkook...’’ you call out and he stops his action to attend to your need.

‘’yes’’ he sounds so submissive as he says so.

‘’i want you’’ your hips move up to feel some friction. He chuckles at the action.

‘’i want you too’’ he smiles as he pecks you on your forehead.

‘’no. Like i want you. Actually i fucking need you’’ you whine out. You’re probably gonna be so embarrassed later but right now you need him.

Your hand reaches for his belt but his hands stop you. You feel embarrassed and confused, you know he’s hard. You can see his fully grown bulge. But why does he want to take so much time.

‘’i wanna taste you first’’ he whispers by your ear.

Fuck. You’ve never had anyone want to eat you out. It’s been a while since anyone went down on you.

‘’jungkoo-‘’ you want to protest.

‘’please yn’’ he begs. ‘’i need it’’ his lips are against yours as he says in a whisper. His lips are on yours for a second before he leaves you wanting to taste his lips more.

You watch his body move down and you can feel your wetness drip down.

‘’fuck...’’ you hear him groan and grow a little self conscious.

‘’what?’’ you lift yourself up a bit.

‘’it’s just that you’re so fucking gorgeous’’ you can’t help but blush and feel a little weird. You’ve never had anyone ogle at you pussy like that.

‘’jungkook..’’ you call out in a whine. You can feel his breath breeze over you centre and it makes the need grow stronger.

‘’i’m sorry, im staring’’ he says and before you can tell him anything his lips are on you, hungrily.

You release a sharp moan as his lips make out with yours.

He licks a long strip of you pouring juices, your taste sinking into his tastebuds.

‘’so fucking good,’’ he groans. ‘’and so fucking wet’’ you feel his finger run through your folds.

‘’jungkook please. Fuck...’’ you don’t even know what you’re pleading for but you are.

Jungkook adheres to you unspoken cries, as he dives back into kissing you and massaging your clit.

Your hand finds it’s way to his hair and pulls. The groan he releases sends electricity through you.

You’ve never felt like this, nobody has ever put this much effort into touching you.

And jungkook has never put this much effort into eating pussy, but for you he will and he is.

He adds his fingers into you as he pumps into you.

‘’fuck you need to be fucked right’’ he says at your tightness. You can barely hear what he’s saying over at how hard he’s slurping.

With the way his digits work into you and his tongue sucks on your clit, you can feel that feeling you’ve been chasing.

‘’fuck jungkook, im going to-‘’ jungkook smiles at how you can barely finish your sentence but he knows.

The feeling grows closer and your heart races in excitement.

But then all of the sudden the feeling is gone and you’re about to curse out jungkook who’s now moving up.

‘’what the fuck, i was going to-‘’ you whine angrily.

‘’i want you to come over my cock’’

You don’t argue, he’s the one in control after all.

‘’ then please fuck me’’ all you can do is plead. It’s so embarrassing pleading for him to fuck you. You wonder if girls his age are this desperate too.

‘’yes ma’am’’ he says as he takes off his shirt, for some reason him calling you ma’am makes you more aroused.

‘’don’t call me ma’am’’ you say blushing but jungkook knows, you’re bullshitting.

‘’yes ma’am’’ he says with a cheeky grin knowing that it makes you clench around nothing.

You watch him unbuckle his belt and you’ve never seen anything this attractive.

As you watch him you anticipate how his going to feel and how you’ll wrap around him. That’s all jungkook can think about too as he strokes himself slightly, though he’s been hard since he saw you in the grocery store.

You feel his tip slide through your wet folds and you can’t help but suck in a breath. Jungkook can’t help but whimper at how wet and good you feel already.

You clench desperate to feel something inside you. You wonder if it will hurt, it’s been a while for you anyways. And he looks like he could stretch you out good. But you’re too needy to worry about that.

You gasp when you feel him move into you, slow and teasingly. His tip has you wondering if you’ll be able to take all of him.

‘’fuck you’re so good for me’’ he says as he moves in deeper. ‘’i wish i could feel you everyday’’

You can.

You want to say, but don’t wanna make promises. You don’t know if this will ever happen again.

‘’do you wanna be good for me like this everyday, yn’’ he says kissing along your jaw as he settles into you.

He doesn’t move waiting for your answer.

You hum but it’s not enough for him.

‘’yes, i want you everyday’’ you end up speaking more of your mind than you planned to.

Jungkook smiles as he slowly begins to move in and out.

‘’good. You can have me everyday’’

With the ways he rocks into you, slowly increasing speed, you understand the moans of those girls you heard him fucking.

His name falls from your mouth as he continues. Jungkook has never enjoyed being buried in heat like this. And he’s never wanted to stay in forever like he does right now.

‘’jungkook..’’ with the way your nails dig into his arm and you flutter around he knows you’re close.

But so is he. Your high is his target as he continues to stroke.

Jungkook twitches inside of you as you both reach your highs.

He lays on top of you as you breath heavily. He tries to keep his weight from crushing you.

‘’next time i wanna be on top’’ you say with the energy you’ve got left.

‘’deal. Even though i like being on top, i’ll let you ride me’’ you almost feel that feeling comeback.

You stroke his hair as you watch that boy-ish smile return on his face.

It’s like he’s changed and wasn’t the person balls deep into you seconds ago.

‘’i like this’’ you say comfortable.

‘’i like you’’ Jungkook coos into your neck.

--

[sweetlyskz]

Emerald Gem||Chapter Five

Chapter one|Chapter two|Chapter three|Chapter four|Chapter five|Chapter six|Chapter seven|Chapter eight||Chapter nine|Chapter ten (finale!)|

Pairing: Hybrid!OT7 x fem!reader

Overview: Living away from society has its perks. All natural food from your thoroughly cultivated farm, no nosy neighbors, and peace and security with your animals. But sometimes you did get lonely, having no one the talk to but the pigs. However, when 7 extremely wanted hybrids stable upon your deserted farm, everything changes.

Genre: Hybrid Au, Strangers to lovers, slow burn, smut, fluff

Word count: 1.7k

Unedited

"How much longer do we have to keep walking?"

The group was extremely sick and exhausted, walking miles and miles along the forest. When Jimin had no more energy left, the youngest carried him on his back. The pack leader was fearful of the government coming to find them, so during the day they walked nonstop. And when the sun would finally rest, they would rest in the nearest cave or by the tallest tree.

"Until we make it to some water", Joon claimed, ears perked to listen for the closest stream. "I can hear it. We're almost there."

"We wouldn't have had to run, y'know..." Jimin was absentmindedly whispering his thoughts, delirious from lack of sleep.

"I miss her", Tae whined. "And I miss the food, and the comfy bed, and the little chickens..."

Namjoon ignored their complaints, keeping the same pace. He was just as sick and tired as they were, but his love for his pack kept him strong. Now matter how much they tried to convince him to stay, it didn't work. But they couldn't blame him- Namjoon has been burned before.

And he wasn't gonna let it happen again.

Justin didn't like taking the bus. The older kids always made fun of him. Plus, his school was only a couple of minutes away from home if he took the shortcut. So everyday afterschool he would hop the fence behind the school and take left and right turns through the alleyways to get home.

Until one day where he met a little wolf hybrid. Justin had stumbled upon the little guy next to a dumpster in the alley. He was frail and weak looking. His short was torn, his pants were jagged, and the soles of his feet were black.

"Hey little guy", Justin whispered, slowly walking up to the wolf as to not startle him. However it did quite the opposite.

"Please!" He screamed. "I'll go but please don't hurt me!"

With that, Justin backed away. "I'm not gonna hurt you- promise!" The hybrid stood on his feet with haste, getting ready to make a fast exit.

But Justin didn't wanna let him go.

"Are you lost? Do you need some help?" That's when he realized Justin wasn't coming for him- he probably didn't even know who he was.

"N-no. Im f-fine", he whispered, making his way to the kind human who offered to help him. "Just please don't tell anyone I'm here-please." He got down on his knees and pleaded.

"I won't, I swear. But, you can't stay here. Whoever you're hiding from will find you as easily as I did."

The hybrid thought for a second, pondering over his next moves. He's probably been on the run his whole life. His street smarts are probably beyond compare. At least, that's what Justin thought.

"I have nowhere to go..." He whispered. "My family... they're dead. They're all dead- and I'm alone."

It was like looking in a mirror. Justin had found someone just like him. Parentless, scared, afraid. He had a feeling he could help. "You can come stay with me for a while", he offered.

And just like that- he found himself stepping into Justins small apartment. It was cramped, but it's all Justin could afford so he made it work. They lived together for month before Justin finally asked what his name was.

"Namjoon", he replied. "My name is Kim Namjoon, and I'm wanted for murder."

***

Some of the food in your fridge had spoiled. Just to prevent from wasting you walked miles away to the nearest neighbor and gave them all of your leftovers. It been a couple weeks since the guys had left, and you were feeling lost-empty. You knew who they were. You knew what people called him. You knew they were wanted by the government, but it didn't stop you from taking them in.

And even though they hadn't stayed long, it was hard to imagine what life was like without them- especially when you had already imagined a life with them.

When it was time to rest your head, you would walk by their rooms and whisper goodnight. But even though no one was there, the ghost of them always replied back, "goodnight, sweet dreams."

Every now and then you swear you hear laughing downstairs, the sound of Hoseok rolling around in the grassy field, or even the sound of Taehyung flipping the page of a good book. Every now and then, while making dinner, you feel a presence creep up behind you asking "Can I just have one bite? How will I know if it's good if I don't try it?" Jungkook loved to sneak bits of supper before it was ready.

The feeling made you queasy, and it brought tears to your eyes. It made you anxious, so you watched the new every night in hopes that they hadn't been caught. Because, even though they didn't want to stay with you, you sure as hell weren't going to let the researchers have them.

You had already made that mistake once before.

Your birthday party was absolutely amazing! Your friends were there, all of your family came. Even the gifts were memorable. However, something was missing. Your nine year old self couldn't put your finger on it, but something seemed off about that day. It felt as though you were at someone else's birthday party, like the party wasn't for you.

If wasn't until you got older that you realized that it was true- it wasn't technically your birthday party. It was your birthday- that part it true. However, the party was your father's. It was your father's friends, it was their children. They were never your friends. No one would even notice if you weren't there.

So you left.

By your house was a lake, a peaceful lake where all you could hear was the wind blowing through the trees. That's where you snuck off to that night. That's where you met Mina. She was a wolf- the most beautiful wolf you might ever have seen (the only wolf at that time). Her fur was pure white with specks of gray, and her eyes shimmered in the moonlight. One might've been afraid of her, but you certainly were not. She could tell.

"You come here often, Don't you?" The wolf could speak. For some reason, that didn't scare you either. "From the trees, I notice you come hear to wipe your tears. What's bothering you?"

"I'm alone", you whispered, audibly enough for her to hear. "I don't think I'm supposed to exist. All the signs point against it." You laid in the grass, picking piece to fiddle with. Telling your secrets to a total stranger wasn't the best option. But for you, it was the only option.

"Don't speak such words", she scolded. "Close your eyes. I wanna show you a secret."

You obeyed, shutting your eyes as tight as you could. Out of nowhere, great winds blew and the ground shook.

"Now, open."

She was gone. She vanished, right in front of you. The wolf had vanished, and what replaced it was even more beautiful. Her hair was silver. Her eyes were green. She clothed her self in leaves- fitted like a dress.

"Happy birthday, pup", she smiled. Your eyes began to shed tears. She was the first person to wish you happy birthday- Not even your parents did so.

"T-thank you", you sniffled. "I'm Y/n." She patted your head, the same way your mother once did. It was comforting. Here she was, a total stranger, and she's given you more attention than your mother has in a long time. It entranced you, to the point of laying your head on her

"I know", She sighed. "The nights not going so well, is it?"

You nodded. "When does it ever? I'm nine and feel like I'm an adult- so much I haven't done with so much responsibility."

Daciana was her name, a quite beautiful name. You told her all your fears and she held you close. She comforted you when no one else would.

You will never forgive yourself for what happened to her...

***

The cave was cold, almost icy. Jin wanted to light a fire but Joon was strongly against it. "That'll make us an easy target", he scolded.

Jimin laid flat on his back, having no neck or back support. He thought of you. What are you doing right now? What may you be wearing? He dreamed of the dinner you might be cooking.

Does she even care that we're gone?

Jungkook was trying his best to keep Hobi's fever down, but it continued to rise. Taehyung was in excruciating pain. Yoongi was absolutely delirious and Joon could hardly breathe, choosing the solid ground as the best place to rest.

"Joon, we can't go on like this", Jin begged. It hurt him to see his pack in so much pain. It hurt even more to know the cause of it was his pack alpha.

He heaved, trying to get back on his two feet with no avail. "What else can we do? The minute we think we're safe, we'll will be taken. You know this! Where can we possibly go?"

"Back home", Jimin mumbled, using the last bits of his energy. "I wanna go back home, to Y/n."

"Me too", Kook whispered just audible enough to hear. The rest of the pack agreed, sharing their sentiments- everyone except Namjoon. While everyone whined and groaned, he laughed exasperatedly.

"Are you guys serious? She would've turned us over to the authors the minute she found out who we really are! How many times do I have to tell you this? You cannot trust humans."

Jin was fed up. He was sick, exhausted, and lonely. And he was done following orders.

"What do you think you're doing?" The pack watched Jin as he put Jimin on his back, heading towards the entrance of the cave.

"We're going home, Joon..." Jimin struggled to keep his eyes open, but a smile was plastered on his face. It was hard to miss his excitement, even if it was a little hard for him to express. "Anyone who wants to come can come, but I'm tired of living in fear."

He continued, pointing towards his alpha. "Let me know when you're done too. You know where to find us."

And with that, the six pack member left the dark and empty cave, leaving Namjoon alone with his thoughts.

What am I gonna do now? He thought.

-

-

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[inkskinned]

i only bake when im happy. my grandmother taught me this. she says she has "a stigma" about it. (i say "isn't that the holes in the hands like jesus?" and get, from my father, a not-altogether unexpected back-of-the-head whack). she says that cooking you can kind-of fake. but you can taste if someone put their heart into baking.

i haven't made anything in an oven for over a year.

at first it was just plain grief. i couldn't even eat, much less mealplan. i have a weird thing about food; and can eat the same thing, every day, and be extremely happy about it. then i moved; and the oven here is weird, and i figured - ah, i'll figure it out eventually.

being sad silences such odd parts of your life. it's not like i meant to give up baking. i like baking. i list it in my hinge bio. people who have been friends with me for a while know she bakes. i like to make complicated, artistic things - things that take days to plan and a week to execute properly. my favorite does remain chocolate chip cookies - something about them being so simple and so immediately satisfying.

there are people i met in the last year who don't believe me. you don't cook, they laugh. which, i mean, i guess is true. as we speak, i'm eating something out of the microwave for dinner again. but still. i call one of my new friends and i tell her i saw a recipe for snail pretzels. she laughs and says why would you need that?

it's weird, i guess. i have so many very-very-very good memories, barefoot and dancing in yellow kitchens, humming to old music, my hands around a bowl. why, out of everything, is that what the grief stole? just this sudden, strange ... missing piece. and to be honest; it kind of scares me. because it happened so quietly is the thing. i never meant to stop baking. it just ... kind of happened to me.

i'm in the hard part of therapy - where you have to start feeling things. the whole world opens up and suddenly, everything hurts like you're 19. exciting! i am also, at the same time, and for the first time in my whole life - only beholden to me. any longterm choice i make only impacts my life. my first and only priority is just... me. for a while, the only way i experienced this sensation was to think how blisteringly lonely.

but i cleaned my kitchen today. later i will call nick and we will talk about stupid shit. tomorrow alex and i are binge watching tv. i have finished rearranging my plants today; they span my ceiling in a river of green.

and i think. i think. tonight i'll make cookies. i don't know if i'm happy. but it's just. you know. in the spirit of trying.

[thequietkid-moonie]

The diference between love and obsession

[ YANDERE COMPARISON ] [ Furina ]

[ Genshin Impact ]

⚠️ Yandere, I don't support nor try to romanticize this toxic behaivor, is just for entretaiment

⚠️ This contain spoilers

IloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurinaIloveFurina

I admit it, when i fist met her I hated her! But now im down bad for her! Now i just want to hold her in my arms and cry along with her!

Furina's love is quite tricky and it will probably end up bringing her troubles, Furina is adored like some kind of idol from all Fontaine, she is the hydro archon after all! Despite knowing her people very well and being adored falling in love is a completely new experience for her, or at least a problematic one

Furina doesn't know how to be discreet with her love, she wants to be with the person she loves, she wants to get to know that person better and share some tea and cakes, its so obvious how excited she is whenever she gets to cross paths with that person (even when is something she had planned and try to act like it was a simple coincidence) or whenever that person schedule an appointment with the hydro archon

Furina's love is more obvious for those who are closer to her and is something that is even supported, she is constantly reciving indirect comments about how happy they are to see that her have find someone to love or even wishing her luck with it, wich never fails in make her embarrassed and flustered, suttering excuses why something like that is imposible, a god like herself wouldn't fall in love that easily!

But, at the end of the day, Furina's love only torture her, it just furder her suffering, makes her cry harder, makes her wish even more to this torture to finally end. Furina's love also works as a reminder of the trap she is in, it makes her want to give up in everything, it makes her feel more and more lonely and if that wasn't enough it make her quite insecure, what if you don't like her? what if you just like the facade? would you be disapointed if you meet the real Furina?

Despite being tortuous is Furina's love what brings her a new boost of energy, and new purpose to keep with her act, telling herself that she has to endure it just a little longer, its for your sake, its to save you! She will put her best act just for your sake, for you to have a good life!

And if after she gains her freedom you are still here then Furina's love will torture her in a whole diferent way, after earning her freedom she has become a simply human and she doesn't know if she can face you like this, she is so embarrassed and scare of even looking at you again

If at the end she gains the courage to see you again and you seem to still care for her Furina's love will give her confidence again, she will try to win your heart and and win the oportunity to open up to you, hopefuly you will be able to love her true self

Furina's obsesive love is incredibly problematic, it grows slowly and discreetly, Furina doesn't even notice her own feelings growing until is too late

Furina's mind is a mess, her fragil human mind had to endure so much that at this point each day its just about suffering, about acting for the sake of others, and her obsesive love just came to increase that torture

Furina grows quite dependant of her darling without even noticing, she has being doing her best to become what the people of Fontaine wanted, becoming the a god worthy of their trust, to make herself with a imagine no one will question, wanted or not she is dependant of the public eye, and now that her obsesive love has grow deep inside of her heart now she feels like she has to be what you want, she wants you to be the most satisfied spectator of her act

Furina can feel her legs tremble and her hear raising everytime you are near, she doesn't understand why or how she have fallen in love but is her obsesive love what makes her want to be with you, to have the freedom to love you, to be loved with you! Thats why she can feel her strenght tremble whenever you are around, she wants so bad to just give up and run to your arms but she can't, she has to restrain herself for the sake of everyone and everything

Furina's obsesive love just make her already heavy burden on her shoulders even more heavy and dificult, she likes to watch you from afar, admiring the simple fact that you are alive, that you are free to do what you want to do, and she is so jealous, not only of your freedom but also of the people around you, she wants to be with you! To take your hand, to hide in your embrace, but she can't, she is the hydro archon, it would be imposible and even embarrasing for the to stoop to do such a thing!

Furina's obsesive love lead her to be incredibly passive agressive with you, she want you as far as posible because her self control hang by a thread whenever you are around, she fears that if she has a moment alone at your side she will not be able to contain herself and will break down, she tries a lot of make you go away for everyone's sake but its her obsesive love what lead her to accidently slip her feelings between the lines, she sends confusing signals because that messed up is her mind, she is stuck between wanting nothing but to love you and be loved but also knowing how much she is risking by simply loving you

The moment Furina finally wins her freedom she will want so bad to just run towards and ask for forgiveness and comfort, but she is too afraid to do so, now that she can finally simple let herself feel she will have a mental breakdown down, both for her sorrow of her role and for her own obsesive love, at this point she just thinks you hate her and will not want to see her ever again and will not be able to calm down until you reasure her that you don't hate her (and still it will take her a lot to feel better about everything)

[that1geek06]

Hey, could you make a Carlos DeVil x Male Reader (platonic)? The reader is Ben's father and Beast's husband (I'm going to completely ignore that Belle exists) and he kind of adopts Carlos, being a father figure and family that Carlos never had.

OMG YOU GUYS I feel so popular 😍 I love that I have the descendents fandom here rn, but this request, anon I don't even know who belle is, last I checked Ben has two amazing dads who take in Carlos and the story goes smth like this..

-FATHER FIGURE(S)-

Carlos DeVil x Bens Dad!Reader

Warnings: Nonee pure fluff (lmk if I'm wrong tho)

When Ben went to his fathers about letting VK'S into the isle, he never imagined that one of his dads would embrace it so much.

Y/N was the more calm and understanding one of the couple, so while Adam was worried and skeptical about letting them in. Y/N encouraged it, even convincing his husband to go with it.

While the beginning was rough, things slowly started to fall into place, and as Ben and Mals relationship bloomed, his dad Y/N was making one for himself.

When they first met properly it was an accident, Y/N was walking down the long halls of the palace to the library when a small talking dog suddenly ran into his legs.

"I am NOT taking a bath, I hate water, go back to being scared of me and leave me alone." The dog spoke, and Y/N chuckled. Picking up the same animal.

"Your not very good at running away if your just going to run into another person." He said, and the dog groaned at being captured. And after a spilt second, A head of white and black hair comes sprinting around the corner. Only to stop abruptly at the sight of one of the kings holding his pet.

Carlos bows his head, not really knowing what to do. "I-Im sorry your highness! I didn't mean to let him run loose in the castle, he slipped from my hands and-" Carlos was cut off by a laugh.

"You can look up, I'm not mad at all. I needed some entertainment to my boring day." Y/N smiles at the boy. "If I'm not mistaken, you are Carlos correct?"

His eyes widen at that, not expecting the king to address him so nicely. "Yeah, I am." Y/N smiles at that. "Well its nice to meet you, and your dog is..?"

Before Carlos can even answer the dog spoke for himself, "Its dude, and I am NOT taking a bath." Y/N laughs harder. "I'm afraid your wash is inevitable, but perhaps if Carlos is willing, it could be stalled?" He looks up at the teen.

"What do you mean?" Carlos asks.

"I was about to head down to the library, its my favourite place to relax. But it gets lonely as well. Would you care to join me?" Not expecting that answer, Carlos's eyes widened. He thought for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, it could be fun."

So the two walked to the library together, along with dude. Chatting about anything and everything.

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That was how it started, and they got closer. The attention of the adult that Carlos got was unlike anything he received. If wasn't the tight lipped smiles like the staff, or the manipulative love like his mother.

No.

Y/N cared. He had genuine interest in Carlos as a whole. He helped with school, teen drama, sports, advice, when he just needed to rant. Carlos could almost say he was like a dad to him.

But as their Visits became more frequent. His friends started to get curious. He doesn't know why but he didn't want to tell them of his relationship with one of the kings.

So any time they would ask, he would blush and mumble some random excuse. Making sure to bring dude with him and bolting out of the dorms.

But they were all to curious now, and one day was the final straw.

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Today sucked to put it lightly. Carlos spent all week studying for this test, and despite Y/N's advice he stayed up all night too, getting no sleep. And it was all just to fail.

And then during lunch he slipped and spilled mash potatoes and gravy all over himself.

But to top it all off, Chad was unrelenting in targeting him during practice. And it was to much.

On the brink of tears, Carlos storms into the dorm room to change.

The rest of the group was relaxing in the room waiting, looking at Jay to try and find answers to which he just shrugged.

When the over stimulated boy came back out of the bathroom the group immediately began to express their worries.

"What's wrong?" Evie asked.

"Did something happen?" Mal added.

"If you need to talk we are here you know?" Jay said, and the whole group nodded. But without a word Carlos ran out. And dude, knowing where he was going. Jumped out of bed to follow.

All of them being extremely worried for their friend. They followed as well.

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Y/N was going through some documents when his office doors were burst open. He opens his mouth to chastise the person when he looks up and sees the very distraught boy there. Panting with water eyes.

His eyebrows furrow with concern and he stands, immediately going to him. "Carlos? What's the matter?" Y/N asks, but instead of getting an answer, the teen hugs him tightly, and he cries.

The kings heart clenched at this. He embraces Carlos tightly while gently rubbing his back. "Shhh its alright, just breath."

Soon enough dude comes running in, immediately sitting at their feet, wanting to help comfort the boy as well.

What Y/N wasn't expecting was seeing his friends and even his son staring with wide eyes. But he shoots them a gently smile. One that promises an explanation later.

He makes eye contact with Ben, and as if they had a silent conversation. His son nods and softly closes the door to his office.

Turning his attention back to Carlos, he notices that the boy has calmed down. Unwrapping his arms to wipe his eyes.

"What's going on Carlos?" Y/N asks in a soft voice.

The teens sniffs, shaking his head and taking a deep breath. "Today really sucked and I-... I don't know if I'm cut out for this." He responds quietly.

Y/N smiled sadly. "Well, can I tell you a story?"

Confused, Carlos just nods. And the king took a deep breath before starting.

"You see, A long time ago, there was this boy. He grew up in a small town that had a very fixed mindset. But you see this boy didn't like to be stuck in that mindset. All the people viewed him as weird. His likes and dislikes were so uncommon that many would talk about him behind his back, or so they thought but he heard everything."

Closing his eyes he pauses, before continuing.

"It was like that for most of his life, until he finally found someone else who wasn't like the others, and while it took a lot of warming up. They eventually fell for each other. This other man cared about his interests and didn't reject them. He helped the boy grow and see more of what he liked. And the boy helped the other to become a better person. And just like any cheesy love story, they fell in love."

Y/N chuckles, but Carlos looks intrigued. "..but how is that supposed to help me?"

The adult looks eyes with him, voice as soft as it is serious. "Carlos, as long as you have people who love you for who you are, you can do anything you want. And I know for a fact you have a group right outside those doors that do."

The teen glances back at the doors, nodding softly. But he hesitates, looking back up at Y/N before sheepishly asking a question.

"what...what about you?"

The kings heart ached at the vulnerability in his voice, and he smiled comfortingly. "Oh I thought it was quite obvious that I care about you."

He watches at Carlos's shoulders visibly relax, before he springs forward into a hug. Y/N laughs as he returns it.

"All always be here for you, your an amazing kid, and I know you'll do good in Auradon."

Carlos felt his heart swell. And he just hugs the man tighter, showing rather than saying how much this meant to him.

How nice it felt to have someone comfort him, not have a caring father figure.

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AWWWW WE LOVE A FLUFFY ENDING, but anyways I know I died for a while but I swear I'm going to get back on top of things. YOU SHALL NO LONGER BE STARVED OF FICS. But I hope this made your day dream more of a reality anon!! Let me know if there's anything I can do to improve, grab a snack, and happy reading to you goobers 👽

[drifloonz]

Omg hi! I very recently got REALLY into Strangled Red so finding your writing for it was such a nice surprise, it's feeding my hyperfixation for this man so well. I love how you write and portray him especially since I'm a sucker for character phycology. If you're still up for it, could you maybe give some headcannons for Steven reacting to the s/o reader being hit on and not being into it? I just think it has nice writing potential and I'm a sucker for jealousy/possessiveness and overprotectiveness when the character has good reason to be. If you don't feel up for it I completely understand that, and just know that I've loved all the writing you've done so far! :)

ty sm.. i fucking love Analyzing steven hes like a petri dish algae or something that im putting under a microscope. he means so much to me and i love picking him apart like the little freak [lovingly] that he is.

i am very glad i make ppl think of him and give ppl food that is my Goal . Give people good steven food. steven food makes it sound like stevens a creature u need to feed. thats s!3v3n not steven /j

ALSO SAME HERE i love jealousy and possessiveness and being overprotective within like. Normal means. Maybe its bc i have bpd idk but i also like when ppl are jealous in regards to me or clingy... makes you feel important sometimes and thats nice to some people including me hehehe.

anyways !!

jealous steven x s/o reader!

__

♡ steven's not one for going out with you - he prefers to rot in his house. it's awful, but, at least you visit him and are there with him a lot of the time. or he's with you in your house rotting a little less. either or is fine to him.

♡ although, recently he's been trying more. maybe you have a job and he likes to visit you because he gets lonely - he's not all too dissimilar to a growlithe or a clingy litten waiting for their owner to get home. except he's a grown ass 6-or-7' man that tends to intimidate everyone just by being around, so how clingy he is sometimes is kind of jarring. gap moe.

♡ or maybe you just go out a lot and he likes to tag along, because well. he likes you. and you're probably dating?

♡ .. and because he's scared that something will happen to you when he's not around.

♡ . . . he won't admit that part, though.

♡ he'll often be overaffectionate when and if you visit him when you haven't for a while, too. clingy overaffectionate. lots of cuddling and silent affection from the big guy.

♡ he especially doesn't like thinking about the fact that other people can possibly see you and have less than great thoughts about you or possibly be making passes at you when he's not there - you're his, dammit. ... and he's all yours, not like anyone else is competing for him these days.

♡ so when he is there, and when someone does, and has the balls to do it around or in front of him?

♡ well. probably when he's around but not immediately close to you. and as such...

♡ he'll probably stand up if he overhears it / sees it, or just thinks anybody's being just a biiiit too friendly with you. goes behind you, maybe while you're still talking to the person, busy and unaware that he's Approaching.

♡ he's so tall the shadow of his figure looms over the person who even dared to try.

♡ he'll just glare at them, until they fuck off. honest to god. he hates talking to people, especially strangers, and his resting neutral face being turned into slightly more of a resting bitch face sends the message better than anything he could say ever would.

♡ he can look scarier if he wants to, maybe make his eyes glow red and give a bit more of a snarl - but just his resting face seems to scare people off real easily. good. he doesn't want to put in too much effort- plus, it might look wrong, or odd. him emoting in any good or bad way more than his usual resting face tends to look weird. he has no idea how he used to do it so much more when he was younger ... ( HE'S SUCH A FUCKING LOSERRRR . sorry continue on . )

♡ and after the fact - or if they somehow don't get the memo from that - he'll try harder.

♡ some possessive touches - a squeeze of the hand, pulling you closer to him, maybe resting his hands on your hips or shoulder - maybe even his head resting on your head... anything that silently tells other people that you two have something deeper going on.

♡ he doesn't want to actively scare them off. it'd cause a scene, and steven already hates being in public and around people as much as it is, especially because he can feel everyones eyes always on him like he's some freak. which he is, but ... it makes him feel Some sort of way. reminds him of how everyone stared at him, almost as if he was some laughingstock of kanto, when miki had-

he can't keep thinking about this. something'll happen. he doesn't want to get like that in public again, ever.

♡ anyways.

♡ even if the person already left, steven will be quick to make it clear to everyone else and you that you two are an item. he doesn't want anyone else to look at you or talk to you in that way.

♡ ... he doesn't want to lose you. you're about all he has these days, and he doesn't think he's the best choice of a boyfriend or even anyone you should be dating at all - always scared he'll do or say something. always scared of what he did back then coming back to haunt him, always feeling guilty and like you should know about the things he did. he thinks he's awful, honestly. he keeps things from you, and things you should probably know. he's not the greatest person.

♡ steven could go on and on in his head about why you should not be dating him of all people - you're so beautiful, too. you deserve better, to have anyone you want.

♡ but you are dating him. and he's happy. happier than he's ever been, and he feels loved, and lucky - but also scared. he has something to lose, again. and he's terrified.

♡ so he has to work to show you that he loves you. cherishes you more than the world. this is just one of those small ways he does it, even if in an odd way and due to him being possessive and clingy. but he's like that for a very good reason.

♡ because you're everything to him.

♡ sometimes he's glad that people are scared of him. he can protect you that way. even if he can never fully integrate back to society - not that he ever even fucking wants to - he can at least be around you.

♡ you joke about him being like your personal bodyguard sometimes.

♡ there's a faint smile when he hears that.

__

i hope u enjoyed i went kind of crazy. I think about how much he'd be scared to be dating someone again sssoooo badly LIKE HE HAS SOMETHING TO LOSE AGAIN. HE'S TERRIFIED OF LOSING YOU TO SOMETHING HE CAN'T CONTROL!! like. Especially death or some freak accident like with miki and mike but from also, just not being good enough, being a bad partner, someone charming you more than him... etc. this all comes to a head in how clingy and possessive he is.

He has no idea how he'd deal with it either and doesn't even want to think ab it because if he did he'd tweak ( go s!3v3nmode and lock himself in his room about it. )

he will Not lose you because he cannot fucking lose you and if it means being a fucking loser and getting protective of you if anyone even so much as tries to flirt with you, then so be it.

I LOVE EXPLORING THIS SIDE OF HIM. HE'S NOT A YANDERE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HE JUST HAS INSAAANE ISSUES. TRAUMA. PTSD. AND BPD. and also Really bad paranoia. Probably some other shit too maybe ocd fuck if i know He doesnt know either but basically he has. Issues. and doesnt know how to handle them esp since hes been isolated so hes Working on it. Kind of.

ty for requesting ^-^ its good to get in the writing groove again. altho my keyboard feels a little weird and wacky which doesnt help and i Should clean it but thank god i can type properly again.

[plutoleah]

Rockstar Revelation

Chapter 2

[Male reader-insert, amab, masturbation, reader is mistaken as a woman but doesn't correct anyone. Andrew x Male reader.]

"Andrew I didn't know that you knew how to play the electric guitar. Can you play that again? I think I have some lyrics that can go with that." Y/N smiles while Andrew nods and begins to play the same chords. Y/N waits a few seconds, trying to get into the beat, and then begins singing. "I don't know what I am, but I want you to show me. I don't want to have the capacity to feel lonely. I want you to destroy me, so I'll feel better. I don't wanna leave this moment ever, ever, ever. I wanna leave this world with you. I wanna become something better with you. I wanna fuck our bodies into broken shells. I wanna lose ourselves forever. I wanna put you in my mouth. I wanna crush you in my jaws. I wanna" Y/N stops singing after realizing what she sang and seeing Andrew looking at her.

"Sorry, I got a little into it." Y/N rubs the back of her neck, feeling a little embarrassed. "Wow, that was wow." Andrew's face looks shocked and amazing. He then brings a knuckle to his mouth and starts nervously biting it, a habit he usually has. "What's wrong?" Y/N walked closer to him.

"Nothing," Andrew responded quickly as he backed away from Y/N. "It's just that I was wondering if you want to join me for dinner." Andrew bit down on his finger so hard that blood drew out of it. "Sure, I don't mind; I've only been eating takeout, so it would be nice to eat a home-cooked meal for once," Y/N smiles, trying to reassuring Andrew. "Oh, really?" Andrew sighs out in relief. "Well, um, you know where I live, so um, I'll text you when the food is almost finished." Andrew has to stop himself from jumping up and down. "I'll see you later," Y/N smiles as Andrew walks out.

|When Andrew gets home|

"Ashley, get your ass up and help me cook," Andrew yells as he walks into the shared room. "Can't we just eat takeout?" Ashley groans as she rolls over to look at him. "Where the hell have you been?" Ashley gets up to interrogate her brother. "None of your fucking business," Andrew pushes past her to put down his guitar and then walks to the kitchen. "We have a guest, so help me cook," Andrew says, tying his hair back. "Oh my god, is it another bitch you met and also no slut you've been with liked your cooking, so I don't know what the difference would be now?" Ashley laughs at him, but stops laughing when she sees Andrew coming towards her with a knife.

"For your information, you're the one that always made them spit out the food because you overseasoned it with chili." Andrew traps Ashley against the wall, holding a knife against her neck. "Not my fault; they can't handle a little chili." Ashley wanted to kick and fight her brother, but she was scared he might actually stab her. Andrew then walked away from her to finish cutting the chicken. "So do you want me to-?" Ashley started to speak but got cut off by a glare. She waved him off and went to sit on the couch.

After awhile, the food had finally finished cooking, so he texted Y/N to come over. When Y/N arrived at the house, she rang the doorbell, which Ashley answered due to Andrew being in the bathroom. She eyed Y/N up and down. "So you are?" Ashley looked at Y/N in disgust, even though she knew exactly who was at her door. "Im (stage name), but you can also call me Y/N." Y/N smiled, trying to be as kind as possible. "Hm." She eyed her down again before being pulled by the hair by Andrew to get out of the way.

"Sorry about her, you must've been so hot waiting out here in the heat," Andrew apologized as he let Y/N in. She smiled. "People pleaser," Ashley whispered as she walked to the couch, but almost trips due to Andrew "whore." Andrew then walks towards Y/N and shows her the dining room.

Ashley got up from the couch, practically slitering her body towards the dining table. "You wouldn't want your little sister to starve, would you?" Ashley smiles while sitting next to Y/N. "So what do you like about my brother? Do you like him because of how he looks? Or do you like the way he talks? Or when you're in bed with him. Oh no, wait, its his di-" Ashley gets interrupted in the middle of her sentence due to Andrew kicking her shin. "Shut the fuck up and eat your food." Andrew glares at her. Ashley just glares back.

"Yall two are just the cutest. I used to have fights just like this when I was younger. Y/N completely ignored the context Ashley implied in her rant and ate her food with a smile. Ashley and Andrew just stared at her and then went back to eating. After everyone was done eating, Ashley went into her room while Andrew and Y/N talked. "I had a nice time. I think your sister is nice, just a little weird." Y/N smiled, and Andrew laughed. "Weird is the right word, I guess." Andrew rolled his eyes, recounting the crazy things his sister has done in the past. Y/N then leaned on Andrew and then titled her head up to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank's again," Y/N stepped back. "I'll call you when I get home." Y/N smiled and waved as she walked away. Feeling proud, he smiled to himself, doing something so ballsy that he was feeling a little mischievous.

When Y/N got home, he washed up and laid down. Tomorrow was the day he would tell Andrew he was a guy. Or maybe just let him find out. Y/N took out his phone and called Andrew, which he answered after a few rings. "Yeah," Andrew answered. "Just calling to tell you I got home safe." Y/N sounds energetic, while Andrew found himself sounding tired and bored, which Y/N noticed. "Oh, shit did I wake you up?" Y/N apologized. "No, no, it's fine. I'm not even sleepy." Andrew got up from his bed and walked into the living room when he saw Ashley turn and groan.

Andrew and Y/N talked for awhile, so whenever Y/N's voice started to sound more sleepy and sexy to him, he thought he was going crazy and thought he was disgusting for thinking like this, but his body seemed to disagree with him, so when he looked down, he cursed himself. "Andrew you alright, you haven't said anything." Y/N sounds concerned. Andrew responded back quickly to reassure her, but while he was talking to her, he quickly took off his pants, covering the sound with his voice. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

Andrew and Y/N talked for awhile, so whenever Y/N's voice started to sound more sleepy and sexy to him, he thought he was going crazy and thought he was disgusting for thinking like this, but his body seemed to disagree with him, so when he looked down, he cursed himself. "Andrew you alright, you haven't said anything." Y/N sounds concerned. Andrew responded back quickly to reassure her, but while he was talking to her, he quickly took off his pants, covering the sound with his voice. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

As Y/N started talking again, Andrew took his cock into his hand. All he could do was picture Y/N, her soft hands stroking him to completion, and her lips that would kitty lick the head of his cock, teasing him. The tension in his body built as he stroked himself faster as their conversation went on. "And they just kept cheering for me; it felt amazing," Y/N recounted. The sound of her voice was so nice. Andrew could feel it—the heat spreading through his body—but honestly, it went straight to his dick.

In a few quick motions, Andrew was reaching his peak. Andrew shoved his face into the couch and let out muffled moans as he came. Andrew stroked himself until he felt the right amount of sensitivity. He pulled up his pants, instantly regretting what he had just done.

"So, Andrew, do you want to go to the mall with me tomorrow?" Y/N asked while smiling at his phone, hoping to see Andrew outside work again. "Sure," Andrew answered out of breath. After Andrew got off call with Y/N, he went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face as he stared at himself in the mirror. "I can't believe I just fucking did that." Andrew pulled his eyelids down. "And I have to fucking see her tomorrow." Andrew splashed more water on his face, then turned off the faucet, turned off the light in the bathroom, and went to bed with his head in his pillow.

[tothefiniteyou]

one day i'd like to properly tackle the real root of raph and leo fights because i so often pull my hair at some of the mischaracterizations (especially towards raph). i don't want it to turn into this "media literacy/comprehension" battle though, because i truly feel like it's just a way to be like "i know better than you, im the correct one here". it's just not very productive, frankly.

all the same, it's odd how blown out of proportion some of their fights are, or how it so often boils down to this fight for leadership. like sure, maybe a bit, but the real issue is their similarities, not the role itself.

leo can be a prideful asshole (-said affectionately. he's my favorite i swear) and constantly needs control. he just weaponizes his title rather than be vulnerable and really talk about his fears because it's easier. leadership = one in charge in his mind because he was raised that way. it's like crossing his fingers and praying the leader card gets them to shut up and listen to him even though he knows it won't. but what, you want him to actually communicate?? his feelings?? no way... it's easier to fall back on the authority he thinks he has. which is a rough cycle if you think about it, because he's afraid of being vulnerable both because he's the leader and because he's the older brother.

(as a side note, this is such a teenage thing to do, as someone recently out of the teen stage. he basically throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and that is so real of him at times. it's hard feeling like you're the only one taking something seriously, especially when your responsibilities are just. more. of course it's his anxieties fueling it and making him kind of brash at times, but as shown in 2003 with post exodus, leo seems unable to voice what's going on in his head so he acts out in "raph-like ways").

as for raph, he's the same way, except it's his anger that acts as a crutch for him. in both the original series and later iterations, he's always best understood that the world hates them. it hates them, and they're all they have in the world. they can only count on each other (..and those eventually adopted into the family).

i'll always love the issue of april and the sea woman who was one of the last of her kind because it was the first time she really understood raph's anger. she didn't say anything, but it made her feel lonely herself. raph had been pushing her and casey away because they truly don't get it and never will. they have so many humans they can learn to love or get along with, but raph only has his brothers. just like the merpeople.

anyways, back on track. raph needs instant solutions, and as one trained to fight to protect, he sees this as the easiest one. he didn't grow up with leo's role as leader, nor his brother's personality and perspective. he doesn't want to be leader because he resents all that it stands for (read: the one to stop him from quick, easy justice).

to raph, pacifism won't get them anywhere, and that's part of his impulsiveness. instant solution is making sure the enemy can't harm again - but it's not that simple. not to leo, who always falls back on worst-case scenarios.

he's had it drilled into his head that a leader is always the one to make the right call, and i think it fed his ego a bit. not in a bad way necessarily, just. in a misguided, impressionable kid way. he has to prepare for everything to live up to expectations.

in the original comics, when they return to new york, there's a point where raph almost gets killed by the shredder because he thinks leo is too scared to "finish the job". it's one of their most emotional fights, and to be honest, i think raph was right. leo was scared. but so was raph, because he knew the shredder could do the things he had done to leo to any one of them again at any point in time. he had to get rid of the threat against his family.

to him, it's that simple. he knows the dangers that come from their line of work, but it's like he forgets how mortal they truly are.

so, in essence, im saying it's a more complex matter than just "i think you're a bad leader" or "you're pissing me off". make no mistake, he does do things to intentionally make leo upset/mad, but it's more because they both think they're in the right and disagree with their methods of protecting the family. it is a rivalry, but i wouldn't say it's about the leadership position.

this isn't to tear down rise or anything because i do like rise! (clarifying this part because i don't want it to seem like i'm comparing or saying one does it better than the other). and i agree that it is probably the healthiest depiction of raph and leo fights. however, i think the way and reason they fight in rise is more similar to other iterations than it appears at first glance. it's just that the roles have been reversed a tad and the approach with the entire topic is different. that's what keeps things interesting and the franchise alive!

and please don't take this the wrong way!! it's not directed at anyone or anything in particular, but rather something i've thought about a ton. you don't have to take my word as gospel or anything, im just a person saying words akvkksc. i think depictions of them as angry idiots are fun as well because, hey. they're siblings, and siblings will fight about anything even when they're in the wrong. especially when they know they are wrong. so write whatever and be free. the hair-pulling line was definitely more about mischaracterization in a generalized sense

[oatflatwhite]

Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

[kimkhimhant]

I love the instinctual gravitation towards warmth it's one of my favourite pieces of fiction,, I'm curious what inspired you to write it/how did you come up with the premise

(no pressure to answer <3)

ahhhh hi thank you so much for the question and for reading TIGTW! i'm so glad you enjoyed it!!

honestly, there were a few things that inspired the particular plot, and all of it had to do with my own analysis of Kim as a character. if you hadn't noticed, i kind of obsess over him.

gonna start with two canon moments that influenced the direction of the story a lot:

this first one: kim staring at his empty hand after chay gets up, after kim himself was unable to say i love you. i think its a beautiful moment for kim's character – the emptiness and visceral loss. he didn't commit any physical harm, but it still manages to mirror the common trope of a character staring at the blood on their hands after killing someone. and the second one: we only see this scene on reflection and not when it happens chronologically, and it's so briefly shown we don't know what happens before or after, but in this moment, Kim looks wrecked. he's sitting there listening to Chay sing his love song in the studio, and he can't handle it. he looks like he's about to have a panic attack, and he gets up and leaves, and we don't know what happens next.

So TIGTW starts with that scene. the "what happens next."

So that kinda sets the stage for what aspects of canon most inspired me lol. I guess the main inspiration for the premise beyond that is personal experience and projection. We see very little of Kim as a character beyond what he shows to other characters in the show. (maybe that's intentional to the story-telling. we know as little about him as the other characters. we get only a couple brief scenes of him alone, either investigating, or playing the guitar/writing while daydreaming about Chay and smiling). but what we do see is someone who's very isolated and who flounders in the face of affection, but seems desperate for those little moments of warmth he gets with Chay. so in comes projection: here's an isolated and lonely boy with a fucked up family and a childhood that likely lacked a lot of emotional warmth – let's give him all the problems that hit closest to home for me.

An opioid high feels like a jacked up version of love and joy and warmth. Kim can't get those feelings anywhere else, but... he could get them here. He's scared of emotional attachment, he's scared of being Known, but a feeling of love and safety that he's in control of, that he can enjoy in private? he'd cling to it.

Im gonna be honest, I didn't have a full plot when i started writing it. I'd only planned up to chapter 11: Kim spiralling after fucking things up with Chay, and then getting shot saving Chay because he was under the influence, and this being the turning point for him getting clean. Everything after that was just the natural progression that seemed to make the most sense for his continued recovery. because i really really wanted to portray a real recovery process, that wasn't just: oh, he has love now, he has Chay and his brothers and he decided to get clean now and that's that. he's sober and recovered and happy and the story is over. because that's not how it works. by the time i finished the main story, i had about a dozen different updated outlines, because it developed more and more with every chapter i wrote lol.

i guess the short version of this answer would be: i saw myself in him, and i wanted to give him healing and a happy ending, no matter how long it takes for him to get there.

sorry for the huge tangent, and thank you again for reading and your continued interest in the story! it means a lot to me, especially because the story itself is so important to me.

[signedkoko]

Hihihihi! Can I get a parental/platonic parent matchup for hazbin hotel?

Im a cancer, around 14-15 years of age, and have short brown hair. I'm around 4'9-5'6 ft.

Around people I don't know I'm super nice and kind, usually complimenting my my way into a friendship with most people. I like to draw and read horror book, (I.E coraline, the man in the basement, dread end, etc).

I am mostly known around school as a kid who gives most of the time, buying goods for kids who can't at lunch, sitting with lonely kids, etc. I try my best to stay out of fights, and most times I don't initiate them.

At home, however, I can be loud and tired at the same time. I'll be like: "SO GUESS WHAT HAPPENED AT SC- I'm tired ima go nap" and I'm also the peacemaker of the family, being the youngest.

My fashion usually varies from vampire goth to grunge. I mostly wear vampire goth outside of home, but at school I wear grunge cuz if I wear vampire goth I'll get bullied.

Thats all! I'm sorry if I didn't provide enough info! Make sure to take care of yourself ♡

You got…Emily | Carmilla | Vox!

Your best friend is Emily! Ever since the two of you met, you've always gotten along. She really likes your drawings and tries to read what you read, but she finds them a bit scary and will usually depend on you summarizing things for her so she doesn't have to go through any of the gruesome parts. She is probably very scared and very intrigued with Coraline.

Emily agrees that you are one of the sweetest people she's ever met; she never feels judged around you and always gets her thirst for adventure quenched with all the media you show her. Your style is so cool to her, she might even ask if you can help her do some gothy vampire looks.

Expect quite serene days spent having fun without worry. Emily will always be there to defend you, and she probably has a billion questions to ask you at all times.

X

One figure who would take you in is Carmilla Carmine. She already has two daughters whom she adores deeply, and so she has a lot of experience with teens and teaches them all they need to know.

Your fashion probably just matches her looks, and she is more than happy to help you pick out a proper, well-rounded wardrobe that not only suits exactly what you like but also matches her a little bit. Lots of red and grayscale clothing.

Carmilla reads a lot, usually with a glass of red wine, and she makes certain to keep a section of her bookshelf for you, full of books she thinks you might like. She's the type to read all of them in advance, so when you finish, you can talk to her about them to your heart's desire.

Expect a protective but free household; you and her other daughters are held to her highest standard, and anything your heart wishes, she will do her best to achieve. You are always welcome to join the family business, too.

X

Another parental figure you may have is Vox! Vox never planned to have kids or take any in; no, he probably thinks he hates kids! But there's an exception for everything.

He probably sneaks you into the V's tower after finding you alone, and he's already committed to getting you cleaned up and warm because, man, what is this kid doing all alone in hell? He can't just—well, he can't just leave you out there, can he?

The more time you spend together, the more he considers you his daughter. You have your own room that he's always bringing things into. He's the type to just knock until you let him in and then give you some random thing he got you. Single slice of pizza, hot chocolate—hey, look how fast he can solve a Rubics cube. Wanna play with this new drone I'm prototyping? I found the book you wanted!

Oh yeah, the fridge is covered in your drawings. Even if they're digital, he has a little digital screen that has a slideshow of your work, and he does his best to show interest in any hobby you pick up.

If he ever hears you say you won't do something because you'd be bullied, he would probably hand you a taser and money to go indulge in what you like and zap the shit out of anyone who pokes fun at you.

He's not a very good parent in terms of morals, but he won't let anyone hurt you or shame you. He would get Velvette herself to help you find your style and would probably bar Valentino from ever EVER meeting you.

Expect a lot of movie nights together, trying all his new technology first, and getting every ounce of support. You'll never be alone, and you'll always be safe because, unless you ask him not to, he's always checking in on you.

Author’s Note - I actually could not pick, I had so many ideas!! So I went for one friend and two (separate) parental figures! I hope thats okay, I was literally ranting to my friends all night about the indeas I got lmaooo

[ladyloveandjustice]

I'm just taking this really hard so I should just step away. Idk it was a huge shock to see the mods of the poll block me and i feel horrible. A lot's been going on lately and im sorry if i posted too much. i didn't mean anything by it. It hurts a lot more than it should and I'm just desperate.

I'm taking this too seriously i'm kind of shaking. Everythings just been so hard, lately. My work situation is shit, nobody there likes me, i don't know if i can find a new job, I'm overworked with my other job, I'm lonely, everyone in my life is always busy and I can't do anything right, I'm scared all the time. The internet was just my fun place so it was a shock to see that. I'm starting to wonder if I should just not interact with people anymore.

[le-sserafims-blog]

🌸 Thankfully, I was able to spend my birthday meaningfully, so came here late 😭😭

Once again, thank you so much for congratulating me on my birthday, FEARNOT 🥹🥹🥹🥹🩷

Wow!!!

I'm 26 years old!!!

I've already been an idol for half my life!! 🤔 LOL

Very surprising...

It's amazing... When I first started as an idol, I never imagined what the future brings. I always thought life was unpredictable, but I've been able to continue this far because of the people around me who always support me. I'm so grateful for that :)

When I was young, my birthday was a happy day when I could receive gifts and eat what I liked. It was a day when I felt like the arrow was pointing towards me, so I always eagerly waited for my birthday feeling excited.

After turning 20, I started to feel a bit anxious about birthdays... 😅

Honestly, I felt a little scared that my time as an idol was getting shorter...lol

And recently, especially this birthday, it became a birthday with a slightly different meaning for me.

I realized that birthdays are not only about receiving congratulatory greetings, but also about being able to express gratitude to the people around me.

It's a bit embarrassing, but for the first time in my life (excluding my school days), I wrote letters to each my family members and gave them as gifts for my birthday this year!

I felt grateful knowing that my family was preparing gifts because we could spend my birthday together with them after a long time. I wanted to express my gratitude to them as well.

As I wrote about how grateful I am for giving birth to me and raising me for 26 years, many emotions have overwhelmed me, so I was writing the letters while holding back tears... 😅

And seeing my parents shedding tears while reading the letters that i gave, I felt a mix of emotions.

At a young age, they've been worried endlessly about their daughter entering this world, living far away where she isn't within easy reach, likely feeling lonely... I felt sorry, but still, seeing my parents shedding tears while sincerely supporting my dreams made me think this way.

Latelt, I've actually been feeling that there would come a time when the effort I keep putting in for myself will reach its limit— like the effort, if it's all just for myself, might exhaust me, reaching some sort of emotional limit. But seeing my parents, I started to feel that maybe working hard for someone else could be another way.

If I think that all my efforts are for myself only, I feel like I might lose strength when I detach from that passion, and it would be even harder when results don't come. But when I think about supporting my parents who sincerely cheer me on, and for FEARNOTs who support me as passionately, and for the members and staff who share the same dream, strangely, I feel energized.

These are just my thoughts, but I believe that to be able to continue something for a long time, perhaps this kind of mindset is also necessary :)

I received so much love from many people on my birthday this year. It made me truly happy to realize that there are so many FEARNOTs around the world celebrating my birthday and supporting me.

The online world continues expanding and may not always spread positivity every day, but I'm still grateful for the internet because it allows me to know that there are people who like me and celebrate my birthday. 😊

I remember my mom saying once on my birthday, "I hope you become an idol who, just like your name which holds the meaning "may good things bloom," receive congratulations from many people.' Following my mom's wish, I was able to become an idol who is indeed loved by many people.

I have experienced many failures and I'm learning various things as a person, but I've come to think that I'm happy with who I am now. Everyone has imperfections and areas where they are still immature, but I believe that's how we can continue to grow.

Im still in the process of learning a lot about myself, and every day, I strive to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday, continuing to reflect and improve along the way.

The world may sometimes be noisy with negativity, but I still believe that there are many happy, positive, joyful, and precious things in this world. Despite its flaws, I still find this world beautiful.

It's not all good, but it's not all bad either.

I wish to be the kind of person in your life who brings even a little bit of positivity and goodness. :)

Thank you for celebrating my 26th birthday with me, and please continue to support me in the future as well. ☺️

[poor-impulsecontrol]

but- I don’t understand. I don’t follow. it doesn’t compute— you are a good person!!!!! you listen to me talk when nobody has for fucking years! you answer every question, you actually like me, and make me feel like my words are worth something, and I feel like that in itself makes you worthy of kindness and care.. for dealing with me. loneliness is scary, and it makes ya think ya dont deserve connection—, but let yourself have this without thinkin’ there’s ulterior motives!! if I didn’t wanna talk to to ya, I wouldn’t!

too sappy, antsy! roll it back, reverse—

the terrifier films are a bit boring to me if I’m being honest,, I watched the first 20 minutes of the first terrifier and turned it off because I felt like the real horror was the braincells I was loosing!! @_@

ahh, but I’m not gonna yuck your yum!! you’re havin’ fun with them and that’s good! that’s okay!! do you own any merch from that franchise?

OOH !! what was your favorite movie as a kid? do you still like it now? i dont think i can ever stop liking something once I start, i still love the The Nightmare Before Christmas as much as I did the first time I watched it as a lil’ kiddo!!

and- and I think gum counts as candy, actually!!! my favorite gum flavor is strawberry. funny how it’s a opposite to yours, huh? oh , ya- I like spearmint gum whenever I need to feel grounded. its such a strong flavor, it pulls me outta any itchy scratchy yucky thoughts and makes me feel more in-tune with my surroundings!! maybe you should try that. ^_^

I have a stupid amount of stuffed animals, all thrifted!!! i buy all my clothes from the thrift, so sometimes i’ll see a cute little stuffed animal peeking out from the toy area , and then i feel bad leaving them behind! like, im not a monster!! somebody left them behind and i’ll take em home!! i have too , too many. my bed’s completely overtaken by them!!

my favorite stuffed animal I’ve got’s of a death-head hawkmoth. i think that you’d like them, they give off a similar vibe to you!!! the moth, not the stuffed animal. they’ve got a skull on their backs and they’re black-brown n’ yellow!!! you’d think they’re rad. they remind me of you.

and, woah— right on the money ,, I didn’t know I was that obvious! I didn’t mean to spam-like your stuff. you just.. you’re cool and I got overexcited about learning things about you.

- guess anonymity is over,, @rottingwiththebugs 🐜🐜

nah, i'm not a good person. if you actually knew me, you'd know i'm the vilest piece of shit disguised. just because i let you talk and i answer your questions doesn't mean i'm a good person. it means i'm...lonely. bored.

yeah, the terrifier films aren't to everyone's taste. they're actually stupid as fuck. but the gore keeps me from disassociating, so i like it. i don't own any merch, i'm too broke for that. i'd love to, like, dress up as art the clown one day. that'd be funny. and i'd actually feel okay going outside for once. people would be scared of me instead of the other way around.

sure, i'll try the spearmint gum thing. i don't know if it'd help, though. pain is one of the things that keeps me the most grounded. kind of ironic. since pain is the whole reason i have this fucked up brain in the first place.

it's cute you have so many stuffed animals. you're hella empathetic, you know? i mean—i think you are. don't know if you'd agree. if i'm making it up or something. we're talking through a fucking screen. but, yeah, the hawkmoth thing is sweet. i don't know how i remind you of them—again, the fucking screen thing—but it's nice to actually be thought of.

right on the money, huh? does that mean i win some? only half joking. but i've looked at your blog and your pretty cool, too. i mean, you're talking to me so you must be awesome. joking.

[boy-above]

well we had a long talk and we basically cemented what's happening. my mom is moving out but we're keeping her name on the house, so in the event that my dad would die before my mom her name would still be on the house. the idea of being the only one alive who has their name on the house was scary to me since i'm so *gestures towards my ineptitude as an adult* so like just in case somebody from my dads family would try to somehow fuck me out of the house (since he refuses to make a will) i won't have to deal with that alone. they let me rip up the documents that were supposed to take my mom's name off the house.

how it's gonna work is that we basically have to schedule mama's visits to the house if she wants to see me ahead of time so he can make himself scarce, because he's That opposed to even looking at her anymore. of course i can go visit her at my sisters house it's not like im not allowed to see her anymore or something lol.

my dad seemed very honest when he said he'd never kick me out, and i don't have to worry about any cats leaving. the dog does have to go, so he'll have to stay at my grandma's until my mom can get her own place. she'll be living at my sister's but everyone knows they won't be able to stand living in the same house very long because they're always fighting lmao. she gets 18000 dollars because apparently that's half of what's in their bank account (providing my dad ain't hiding any money anywhere lol) to start her new life

so in the coming weeks they're gonna start dividing things up. my mom doesn't want very much of this stuff, she said he can keep almost all the appliances and most of what she's taking is the junk she hoards. theyve gotta sort out things like getting her her own checking account and splitting up the phone bills and everything so it's not like she's gonna leave immediately or anything.

i feel a lot better after this conversation, esp knowing my mom will get half the money. obviously i'm upset about not being able to see my mom every day, like she's my Mom i've never been separated from her like that. but im trying to look at it as like, she's at work all day anyway so it's not Extremely different i guess?? it'll be really sad actually at night though knowing the living room is empty, it'll be lonely. i guess me and my dad will have to figure out how grocery shopping and cleaning works as well.

i'm scared for my mom but she's not As fucked over as we thought, it's still really sad obviously since she thought she would die in this house, and theyve been together for 32 years that's kind of a huge thing to just be ending like this. her entire life is going to different and more difficult and i feel bad that i can't go with her but like, it's for the best for my mental health that i stay in this house. my biggest thing honestly was the possibility of him bringing strange women around but he Promised he wouldn't so hopefully he keeps that promise

[luveline]

dear jade,

Im 23 and I would say I’m doing ok the scheme of things. I moved to a new city and my job is meh and I have friends and it seems fine but I can’t help but feel lonely especially because I have a p rocky relationship with my family members and sometimes all I want is someone whose excited to see me and do errands with me. I like my friends but most of them r actually moving soon and I’m scared about having to try to make new friends and idk I guess I was wondering if you had any tips on feeling lonely bc I really want a bf but also the mature part of my brain knowing having a bf won’t fix anything per say.

Hey!

My tips for feeling lonely. I think I was a very lonely person for a long time, and I'll give you my advice rather than what a therapist or a professional might say, so please take it with a pinch of salt. EDIT : I'm not trying to say I know better than a therapist btw I don't just that you can find that everywhere so I wanted to be more personable

I think if you really want a boyfriend, you're right in thinking it won't fix everything, but I also don't think it's a bad idea. The want to be in a relationship is one that most people will experience in their lives, it's very natural, and of course lots of things can go wrong and you can end up very hurt, but I still think that looking for love and a partner to be with wouldn't fix everything but it would probably be a good thing. BUT. it is also very very important to have friends and family too. Friends are so hard😭 and they move away and even if you make new ones you won't know who they are, but I think the standards for friendship are kind of skewiff these days, so my advice to you is to try and make relationships with people that are casual in a sense, but honest and caring, too. I know it isn't easy, you can't just magically clap your hands and make it happen, and there's a balance to be struck between being forgiving with people but not wanting them to walk all over you and your boundaries. (Sorry this paragraph is a little behemoth but hopefully my main point is that a boyfriend won't fix things but it probably won't do you any harm to have love and intimacy in your life, but don't try to fill the gaps that friends and family are leaving with a boyfriend because it may leave you feeling worse (which I'm sure was your original point, sorry😭))

I'm sorry to hear about your rocky relationships with family and I certainly won't stand here and tell you to try and fix them because family can be impossible and hurtful and too much to deal with. I hope things get better with them but I also understand that they might not, and I want to tell you that that's okay! Family by blood is real but family can also be anything you want it to be, including friends or a partner or people in your community. It's tough though, and I'm sorry!

ANYWAYS you didn't actually ask for any of the above and I'm really sorry if what I've said so far is unsolicited or incorrect, I can't pretend to know every detail of your situation but I think i can understand how you're feeling, like things are fine but loneliness is still pervasive anyways

When I'm feeling really really really lonely, there are a couple of things I do. I talk to friends (and not to tell them I'm lonely, maybe just to send a video or something) and I don't mind admitting that I don't have tons of friends, but the very best one I've made was through the Internet, so I definitely recommend trying to make friends via the Internet with people who have your interests in common! Friends in real life are sometimes friends because we see them a lot, which isn't a bad thing (it's actually GOOD to be friends with people who are different from us) but often means that we can find ourselves a bit unsure of where we stand or how to keep the friendship going when they move away.

I do all the usual things the Internet tells you to do, too, because this stuff sucks but it really works, like taking a very hot shower or going for a walk. Sometimes it absolutely doesn't work and then you're just walking around feeling lonely and miserable though, but it's worth a try. sometimes we feel lonely because we realise how unhappy we are and that we don't have anyone who's worried about how unhappy we are, if that makes sense? Like a consequence of the human condition, we actually do want attention when we feel shitty and there's no crime in that.

But sometimes all the usual stuff doesn't work! When I was at my Loneliest and most depressed, where I really truly could not see a light at the end of the tunnel kind of situation, I turned to writing. It literally saved me and saved my life and made it one worth living (as someone who doesn't have very much ambition). I think that finding a hobby and trying to master it or at least trying to create can really do wonders for a lonely person because it gives you a sense of worth or a sense of purpose outside of personal relationships. I always tell people I think they should start writing but what I mean is that finding a way to express yourself or finding a way to make things that you can look at with pride is great.

But obviously one hobby isn't going to get rid of all your loneliness, and I don't think it necessarily has to. I was recently talking to someone about this kind of thing and we spoke about this quote from a poem by ocean zuong, "loneliness is still time spent with the world." You will feel loneliness at different points of your life for the rest of time and so will I, and it's going to be very painful at some points, but I think if we can try to look at loneliness as more neutral, we can feel lonely without putting pressure on ourselves to fix it. It would be very tiring for you if you were always expected to fix your own loneliness. Sometimes there's nothing you can do and im so sorry to say that and to hear about how you're feeling, because it's not fair. But loneliness isn't like hunger, there's no guarantee that you can make it better by doing any one thing, you just have to hope that the world is going to be kind to you. When it isn't, you have to be kind to yourself! Try to treat yourself as you'd treat someone else going through a hard time, get yourself a treat if you can and remember that just because you're lonely doesn't mean you deserve to be, you're a unique person with all these interesting things about you that I'm sure people are one day going to discover and love, I'm sure people already do!