#i don't have any of my loan left from my first semester because i used it all for class & life stuff (because you're allowed to)

[mxgyver]

this is literally the worst college experience I've had in my life and I've literally cried so much for so many reasons

have a moodboard of how my life feels right now

how I'm feeling right now because the first week of my semester just started and I've already had some of my classes changed TWICE

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

[misshollander1]

Gif credit to @parkery

Contains; small drabble of an 18 year old somehow catching Tom's eye and the thoughts he faces of finding her intruiging.

I never thought I would be in the acting scene. Especially since I hated being the center of attention. But something about being in front of a camera and playing a character made me feel somewhat safe.

I was able to be someone I always wanted to be and portray them in a way only I could and have people relate.

That's how it started at first. I acted in a few commercials and starred in the background during my years attending University, the small money I made being put away in order to help pay my tuition.

Next thing I knew, I had people asking who I was and if I had any social media. I was contacted by a previous person I worked with, them telling me their manager would like to work with me. I was quite young and my parents denied but I told them that if I could help make money in any way, I would take it.

So I took the job. Granted everything started off slow again, me being in the background and having small roles. It soon led to me being a supporting role and eventually, landing a role in the new Spiderman movie.

I was now eighteen years, four years younger than the male lead Tom Holland. I wasn't playing a love interest despite a few people I knew wanting one for his character.

I couldn't deny the role because, not going to lie, he is quite attractive and a total dork. But, I've always loved superheroes and it was a dream to star in one in any way I could.

I admit I was nervous, seeing as Tom's character Peter and I had quite a few scenes together and there was suppose to be some sort of interest towards one another to create some tension for the audience.

It didn't take a lot besides the director having us spend some time together to maintain a friendship so it was more believable on screen.

So here I am, an eighteen year old sitting across from Tom Holland himself and having a small lunch, each of us having prepared questions to ask one another.

"So, how long have you been attending University? How is it?" He asked, handing me a napkin.

"Thank you and uh, it's my first year. But since I got some financial aid to help me attend, I have to pay back a loan I borrowed. So far it's okay. I wish someone told me about time management because my first semester was completely horrid." I chuckled, opening the chopsticks nearby and stopping mid dip to choose a fork.

"You don't know how to use chopsticks?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I've spent hours practicing but I guess my fingers aren't meant to hold them." I sighed, twirling the noodles around my fork and stuffing it into my mouth. "Anyways, how is it being Peter? I know you get asked a lot but it's what I could come up with."

"Don't worry about it, darling. And I enjoy it. Like I've said in many interviews, I've always had a liking to Spiderman so being able to portray him makes it a dream come true." He laughs lightly

"Despite looking like a 12 year old?" I teased, raising an eyebrow slightly.

"Do people really say that? First they say I have a frog in my mouth and how I can't pronounce croissant. Now this?" He laughs a bit once more, his voice making me feel warm.

I won't lie and say I didn't have a crush on Tom. He is an amazing actor but the way he's such a dork and a goofball made me admire him and like him. I just wish he didn't call me darling because sWeEt JeSus that was attractive.

"So, besides that, is there a reason you chose acting? Is that something you're studying?" He asked, stuffing his face with the Chinese food we ordered.

"Not really. I'm majoring in psychology and thought about minoring in dance but there aren't many dance minors. I opted out for possibly minoring in English but it's not a for sure thing. But, I never acted in my life and the opportunity was given to me so I tried it."

"What do you like about it?"

"I guess being someone you're not. I understand a lot of actors contribute a bit of themselves into the roles they play but for me, I guess it's a confidence boost type of thing." I said, grabbing my water and taking a sip.

"Confidence? Explain." He asked, a small smile on his lips.

"I uh, I'm not that confident in who I am. I hate my body and who I am as a person. I'm high key a pessimist but choose to hide it and I am very easily manipulated. I guess being sexualized at a young age and being harrassed for four years made me feel even morr less of myself. So being able to play a character where I can include those struggles makes me feel like I'm not so alone. I hope that makes sense?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows and looking at him.

"Well, I can truly say you are a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying it. Everyone is beautiful in their own moments and from the moments I've seen you on camera, I can tell you radiate a light. I do see something in your eyes I haven't seen but that's what I find interesting about you. You were willing to be vulnerable to me and let me know how you feel in complete honesty, yet you hold something in those eyes of yours. They're beautiful if I may say once again despite them being the same color as mine but you get what I mean?" He said, clearing his throat and reaching for his own water.

I gave him a shy smile and nodded, the words he spoke making me happy. I have had people conpliment me and try to make me feel better about myself but the way he put things made me believe it the most.

"Aside from all...whatever this is," I smiled, reaching for a spring roll, "what is something you would want our characters to do? I've read the script and we seem to be doing these crazy things like a science experiment going wrong and it exploding in our faces, coating them in blue dust."

"I want us to do something in the rain. I could walk you home along with Ned and I guess all three of us have a heart to heart. Kind of like we did here." He smiles, looking at me and then avoiding his gaze.

"I think that would be nice. I could push you into a puddle and run away." I said smiling.

"I would tackle you then and there don't test me." He teases.

"Try me Holland."

Eventually, Tom and I got closer working on screen. I was only able to shoot during certain times due to my classes but I always made up for it, working on late work or doing homework during my lunch time or any free chances I got.

The other cast members would check in on me and bring me some snacks to keep me motivated and focused so I wouldn't be too stressed.

But there was one day where I was not understanding what was being said and it frustrated me to the point I slammed the book and cried into my hands, the stress overwhelming me.

I didn't hear the knock or the door being opened to my small portable but I did hear the swish of plastic bags.

I looked up and was face to face with Harrison, one of Tom's best mate.

"I'm sorry to disturb you. Tom told me to bring you some lunch but I guess I'll leave you be." He spoke, clearly embarrassed.

"Nono. Don't worry about it Harrison. I was just taking a small break from my work seeing as I couldn't understand it." I sniffled, wiping my nose and eyes.

"Maybe I can help? What is it?" He asked, setting the bag down near my books and taking a seat near me.

"It's physics." I sighed and he made a face.

"Why would you hurt your brain like that?" He asked, making me laugh.

"I thought it would be easy. It somewhat is but this topic is hard and I'm not understanding. I guess I'll email my professor for some more help if needed." I sighed, rubbing my face.

"Alright. I'm sorry I couldn't be much of help. But Tom made sure he got you your favorite, Chinese." He smiled, reaching for the bag and unboxing the takeout.

"That's really sweet of him. You guys didn't have to do that." I said, setting the box on my lap.

"Well he wouldn't shut up about it. He kept interrupting and asking if you had eaten and it took Zendaya to say she took you some breakfast and that was it." Harrison spoke.

"Mm well... When you go back to him. Tell him I appreciate his kindness. Also, thank you for delivering it. I haven't seen you around much as usual." I sighed, rubbing my left eye from any tears.

"Yeah. I've been running some errands of my own, listening to Tom gush on and on-"

My phone rang and I gave Harrison an apologetic smile, answering it.

"Hi Tom. No, I got the takeout. I appreciate it. Yeah no, he's here." He continued to speak until asking for Harrison, me looking and handing him my phone. "It's for you."

Harrison took it and spoke to Tom, casting glances my way every few seconds.

I set my takeout onto the side and regrabbed my Physics book, Harrison putting his hand out and stopping me before ending the call and handing my phone back.

"A scene with you, Ned and Peter is being shot soon so you're going to need to get ready." Harrison told me. I nodded and thanked him once more, waving goodbye as he left.

"Are you serious?" I asked, seeing the set design.

"Yeah! I talked Jacob into helping me get this scene and our director liked the idea enough to have us shoot it. He called for improvisation to see how it looks." Tom said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and smiling at me.

"This is so cool what the fuck." I said, earning a laugh from Tom.

We shot the scene and did as much improv as we could, Tom keeping his word and tackling me in the rain when I pushed him into a puddle and splashed Jacob, a huge 'come on!' escaping his lips.

"Cut! Great scene. Let's try it one more time and great job tackling her Tom. Make sure not to bruise her! And Jacob, great reaction!"

Jacob shook his head and laughed, handing me a towel to dry my hair off.

"I'm going to need a blowdryer or something." I sighed, the towel being worked on my hair.

"Why's that?" Jacob asked.

"It begins to curl. Like how it is now." I said, holding up a loose curl.

"I think it looks pretty." Tom spoke, ruffling the towel over his own curls.

"Thank you." I said, earning a wink from him and an eye roll from Jacob.

Filming was coming to an end and my screentime was becoming less and less which meant I was hardly on set.

But that didn't stop Tom from messaging me during his breaks to see if I wanted to get lunch or hang out with him and the cast.

I was walking to the lounge on set after one of my classes when I overheard my name being spoken.

I furrowed my eyebrows and listened, hearing Tom and Jacob speaking.

"She's eighteen isn't she?" Jacob spoke.

"She is. But I don't see that as a problem." Tom answered.

"What about the backlash? She's four years younger than you and people will find it weird."

"Oh please. There are women and men dating others more than half their age. Something about her intruiges me. I-I enjoy being around her. I can't explain the feeling being around her." He sighed.

"It's obvious you like her. We've all discussed it and even our director knows. Why else would he approve of that rain scene knowing it might not make the cut? He wanted to see the chemistry behind you both." Jacob explained.

"I do adore her and something about her is just ugh. I don't want to creep her out and feel like I'm preying on her. I'm not. I do like her Jacob." He admitted, silence following a bit after.

I was obviously shocked to hear the news because one, Tom Holland said he liked me,two, he said he liked me and three, he said he liked me.

But I knew where he was coming from. People would be quick to think he was being a creep and his fans would be hurt they weren't the ones catching his eye.

But I also wasn't so sure how I would be as a girlfriend. I have never dated and felt that if things wouldn't work out, I would be the reason why.

I don't know how to love myself and I feel like my anxieties and insecurities would get in the way after a while of hiding them so much.

I shook my head continued quickly to my destination, hoping they never saw me and knew I was listening in.

I eventually reached the limit and had to stop here! The rest is in my drafts so let me know if you would like a part two!

[annamelia-art]

Reflecting on this;

I have been in an abusive relationship in the past. My ex was emotionally, psychologically and (sort of) financially abusive. It left me a broken shell of a person, and it took me more than six years to be able to trust another person again.

But I was also toxic. I was also abusive towards him. I said things that were cruel, that I knew would hurt him in the worst way, in the places where he was most vulnerable. I'm not proud of that. I'm ashamed. I've apologised for my part in it, but can that be enough? He did me permanent damage. Have I done permanent damage to him? I still talk to him sometimes, but I've never asked, probably because I'm afraid of the answer.

I'm still not sure whether he clearly understands how much he harmed me, that he sees how our codependency and toxicity was abusive. Is it weird, to not know if my abuser understands that he abused me?

There was never any physical abuse. There was coercion of a sort, into a "poly" relationship that I now understand was not what that is meant to be, and that with the benefit of hindsight I should never have agreed to - I'm distinctly monogamous and so was our relationship, at least until he met her - but I didn't understand how to be myself without him.

We'd been a couple since we were both 18, barely even adults, brains not even in their final form. I'm still unpicking the terrible habits I developed during that time, my own fault, not his, although he probably didn't help.

I was already traumatised when we met, being undiagnosed neurodivergent, with undiagnosed mental health problems (depression and anxiety), and the product of a broken home (my dad is not exactly the poster child for fidelity and is likely at the root of my abandonment issues), with basically no real friends and hardly any life experience. I had never had any kind of romantic relationship (I had my first kiss at 18, a few weeks before we met, with someone in my social circle, who I then spent the rest of the summer hiding from because I felt too weird about it). He also had mental health problems, mainly depression.

With all that background, it's easy to see how we fell into patterns of unhealthy behaviour. I'm a people pleaser, so I was always determined to see myself as the root of any issue. I always apologised, whether it had been my fault or not, and eventually that became the expected outcome of any disagreement - especially because of two additional things; I can be really hot headed and lose my temper quickly, and when I get emotional, I cry. Because he was able to remain calm, he was always able to appear to be more reasonable, even if he had been in the wrong, or had instigated the disagreement, so I was always the one who ended up apologising.

He also started to undermine my confidence in myself and my abilities, and I don't know whether this was conscious or not. I'd like to believe he didn't mean to do it, but I've never asked. He used to call me "silly" or "cute" and if I offered up information he would sometimes discount it unless he had checked it himself. If I made mistakes, he would, rather than encouraging me to try again, effectively pat me on the head and tell me the equivalent of 'at least you tried'. Eventually I started to believe I was stupid, and to doubt my own intelligence and capability.

The worst was the way I ended up worked up over money, and in this I fully and completely participated in my own abuse.

When I first moved away from home I had absolutely zero idea how to budget or manage money, and for that I can only blame, I guess my parents? I can't learn if I'm not taught, and no one taught me 🤷‍♀️ In my first semester at university, so in about twelve weeks, I spent all of the student loan for the semester, plus all of my overdraft. By the end of the year, I had nothing. It really scared me. I almost ended up trapped at uni for Christmas but my mum being the amazing being she is, drove across the Pennines through the snow in the dark to come and get me.

After that, I became terrified to check my bank balance. I just tried not to spend money. But, being as I probably have some combination of ADHD/autism (I'm on the waiting list 🤷‍♀️) the impulse purchases happened. They just do. I just about made it through university.

After Uni I moved in with my ex and eventually we both ended up gainfully employed. We were engaged by this point, although actual marriage was never really on the horizon. We did decide to open a joint bank account though, to make bills easier, and in our wisdom decided to pay both our salaries into it. It was his idea, but I saw a fabulous opportunity - I could give up responsibility for having to Worry About The Money. I acknowledge that was unfair of me to do. I passed over all of the responsibility. It never occurred to me that I was also giving up all of the control.

It started with small things. I would rely on him to know how much money we had left in our account (because I was terrified of looking), so I would check with him if we had enough for a takeout night. When we went grocery shopping I would rely on him to set the budget, because he knew how much we were working with (although I tended to do a lot of the cooking). But over time it became me asking for permission to spend money, any money, that we had earned equally. I felt like I had to ask permission to buy clothes, stationery, books, hobby items. Quite often he would suggest, 'maybe next month'. I ended up taking out small amounts of cash and going to charity shops instead, rather than buying new clothes, which meant I ended up with a massive amount of clothes, most of which didn't fit well.

After our relationship died (quite dramatically, and taking at least one other down with it) I was even more afraid of The Money. I still am sometimes. It took me years, probably eight or nine of them, before I was comfortable using a cash machine without that feeling of dread pooling in my stomach. He didn't give me the fear, but he never did anything to help me deal with it. He patted me on the head and took The Money away, like I wasn't capable of coping with it. He made the fear worse, by making it something even more unknowable. By making it something I needed permission to understand.

--

When I first married my husband and we set up joint finances I started to slip back into the permission seeking behaviour, except the first time I did it he looked at me like I'd grown a second head. "What are you asking me for? It's your money...?"

These days I'm the one that manages our household budget.

[1000-directions]

hello, sorry if this is too personal but i remember you mentioning a few times that you dropped out of school? how did you reach that decision? was it hard to explain that decision to other people? i'm very struggling (i mean mentally not that it's too hard) with uni, i have been for years and this was supposed to be my final year but i don't think i can do it but i'm also very embarrassed about it (also if i'm wrong and you never dropped out please ignore this)

anon, you have come to the right place, because i dropped out of school not once but actually twice. no two experiences are alike, including my own, so obviously what you are going through is going to be very personal and specific to you, but i am happy to talk about my own experiences.

first of all, i am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. i want to make sure you know that no matter what decision you make, you have not failed, and this is not going to define your life or who you are as a person. your life is unruinable. you have not ruined your life, and you will not ruin your life, and you are going to get past this, and someday, it will just be something shitty you went through when you were younger. i promise.

the first time i left school was a combination of me dropping out and being kicked out. very soon after i arrived for my first semester of college, i had what has been described to me as a psychotic breakdown (i am not sure if i agree, but this is what i was diagnosed with at the time). because of this, i stopped eating and sleeping and showering and going to class and doing my work, and i failed all of my classes. they tried to kick me out, but my parents threatened to sue the school because at one point i had emailed the dean asking for help and she didn��t reply to my email, so they ended up placing me on medical leave with an option to return in the future, but i never went back.

this is probably not the same issue you are having, but that’s not what matters. what i want to share with you is how i handled the leaving of school and the returning to home. my family was extremely ashamed of this situation, and it made me feel very personally humiliated by my own existence, and as a result, i withdrew from absolutely everyone in my life. this is a bad idea!! don’t do this!!! look, not everyone is going to understand what you are going through or the decisions you make, and you are not going to have the energy to make everyone understand. but you can’t isolate yourself from your entire support system when you are going through a crisis, that doesn’t work! you deserve to be supported when you are going through a difficult time, just like you would want to support the people in your life who you care about. no one is entitled to all the details of your situation, but you are allowed to share as much or as little as you like with the people around you. lots of people leave school. LOTS of people leave school, for lots of reasons! people change their minds, they fail out, they leave to care for sick family members, they get sick themselves, they get burned out, they run out of money. people leave school all the time, and it is one thing about them, but it’s not the only thing about them.

i went back to school eventually, i lived at home and commuted to a state school. i started back with one night class, then two, then one night class and one during the day on the main campus, etc etc, but i was part-time for like the entire first half of my credits. going back was very hard. being a student is its own skill that has nothing to do with how smart you are, and it was a skill that i hadn’t used in a while, so i really struggled with time management and writing papers and how to take good notes and how to respond to criticism. it was fucking hard, but it got easier, and i did get my degree eventually.

the second time i dropped out of school was in some ways better and in some ways worse. i decided i wanted to go to grad school, so i was working 40+ hours a week and then taking night classes for prerequisites, spending hundreds of dollars on transcripts and applications, and doing some specific volunteer/observation work that was encouraged for application. i ended up being accepted to a very competitive program, and i quit my job and moved to an apartment right next to school. and almost immediately after getting there, it felt bad, but i had worked so hard and given up so much to be there that i just refused to acknowledge the red flags and i kept trying to push through. and i was fucking miserable, and i cried all the time, and i felt like a dumb worthless idiot who was never going to amount to anything, and it was horrible. i lasted a year there, and by the end, i was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. i felt trapped, like i had absolutely no options, and it was terrifying. realizing that i felt trapped is what eventually led me to drop out. because i fucking refused to be suicidal again, i refused to let myself feel trapped when there is always some way out.

so i dropped out, and it was very difficult for a while. when i started that program, i was the most confident, best version of myself i had ever been, but when i left, i was so broken and defeated and had no faith in myself. getting my mental health back in order was a huge struggle, and finding a job was also a huge struggle. i figured out both of them, much quicker than i did the first time, but it was just…really frustrating to go through that experience and to feel like a failure, like i’d backslid after making so much progress.

i will say that who i am now, today, is probably my favorite me i’ve ever been. i still have a lot of issues, there are still so many things i dislike about myself that i am never going to feel comfortable getting into, but i think there is a strength that comes from getting over a bad situation. you are strong enough. the first time you need to be strong is the worst. but any time after that, you get to tell yourself ‘i did this before, and i can do it again.’

anon, you will have to decide for yourself if you think you should just tough it out at school or if you really need to drop out. i don’t know what the best decision for you is. dropping out of school will leave you with a lot of debt. it leaves you with a giant gap in your resume that can be hard to explain. it leaves you without a degree, which you need for a lot of jobs these days. depending on your student loans, you might have to start paying them back sooner than expected once you drop out (or they might start accruing interest sooner). these are important things to consider, but they are not the only things to consider.

your mental wellbeing is important. if being in school makes you miserable, it is worth exploring other options. can you take a leave of absence? can you go part-time? can you take some classes online instead of going to a classroom? is the problem actually school itself, or is there a different or smaller issue that you can address more directly? is there counseling available to you (recognizing that student health counselors are sometimes Not Helpful, and that mental health care in this country is so expensive)?

there is a way through this. actually, there are lots of ways through this, and there probably isn’t one perfect way, just lots of different ways with their own pros and cons, and whichever one you pick, you will find yourself on a specific path, and then you just…deal with wherever you end up.

i don’t know if any of this is helpful at all, but i want to make sure you know that you’re not alone. no matter what choice you make, i’m proud of you. i understand feeling embarrassed about it, and i am always here if you want to talk or vent or brainstorm strategies. we’re all supporting you 💚💛💜

[ramblin-tiger]

I Wana throw this out into the void of tumbler since I Wana talk about some shit with the potential to be seen, but don't feel the need to put it on something like Facebook.

First and foremost, yeah, it's partially cuz I want it to be seen, but I really just Wana vent. (Not that I really think I'll get any visibility lol)

I see people talk about not getting anything accomplished by X age all the time. Talking about how lots of people don't have something they consider an "accomplishment" untill their 30's. That's all fine and dandy, but in reality? It F*ckn sucks.

I've been saving money, and actually been able to keep it, since 2019/20ish. Two years. And you know what I've got? Just over 16k as of the time of this post. Sounds nice right? You'd think.

The reality? The /ONLY/ reason I've been able to save that?

I was going to a tech school from early 19 to late 21, and was lucky enough to have a grant.

I had income in the form of a GI bill thanks to my mother.

Said GI bill was twice what my monthly income was working at mall-wart, since I worked fri-sat EVERY week since I was in school. (TY MS.CHRITSINE, my favorite manager ever)

At the end of my tenure of classes, just as I started my last semester for my associates of applied sciences (focus on welding), I started a new job.

Said job took me from 3 days a week at 11$/hr to 40+hours a week at 17$/hr.

Sounds not to bad right?

*SpongeBob announcer voice*

WRONG

Let me list out the pros and cons for you.

Pros

More money.

Stable job.

That's about it.

Cons

No longer able to hang out with the one friend I had.

Life revolves around sleep, work, and doing absolutely nothing on my off days no matter how hard I try and want to.

Failed my last semester due to depression that hit out of nowhere, because I couldn't get myself to do the few online classes I had left between work and sleep.

The one other friend I have, I can maybe hang out with about once a month due to work schedules.

Now, while admittedly this is partial for attention, tis not for pity. I mainly want to share my experience and thoughts.

Now, that savings I have? How did I manage to get that? Simple.

Pure.

F*cking.

Luck.

I've got two room mates, one of which is my BF of (soon to be) 11 years, and a mutual friend (the third one. We've cycled through friends as they've moved on). Our rent is substantially lower compared to what most pay for something our size. We've got a triple wide trailer, basically a house, at 751/month. The average in my area? 900sqft for 900$+/month. Sure or place is a bit run down and the rental people suck, but it's a hell of a deal because we have 1600sqft to work with.

Basically, my own output for bills has been a third of that rent, plus a third of utilities. Outside of personal purchases and food, I'm able to save most of what I make.

But at what cost? See the above cons.

Ive been able to save money from my extra income from when I was in school as well as when I changed jobs, and that's mainly because I managed to pay my car off early 2020. Which I had been paying on since 2015 with a freaking 10.5% interest since it was a loan rolled over from a personal loan. (Yea, f*uck you bank.) That was 16k alone before the interest.

So yea, I've managed to get some "accomplishments" but they don't feel worth it.

Especially since I want to buy a house, but everytime I look it's just impossible.

120k+ for places as big as 948sqft.

It's depressing. Sure, maybe the housing market will crash. But there's no guarantee, nor is there any indication it will be any time soon.

Why does this depress me?

Almost 5 years to save up what I have, most of it by lucky happenstance, and it's a drop in the bucket I need to actually get something that isn't just filler.

And by filler I mean things I don't actually need. Sure some of it may make me happy in the short term. A new TV here ( still using a free TV I got lucky enough to get when I bought my car), a new game there (I hyperfocus so I don't play many games often), some new clothes (necessary, but I don't get anything out of necessity)...

Like, looking at it all, it's just depressing as all f*uck, and it's not changing anytime soon.

Meh, my rants over for now since I'm at work and need to actually do something, and my train of thought is just starting to go all over the place.