#i don't have a name for it and i wasnt planning on going in depth

[citrine-elephant]

just a bag of boba

that parasite i was alluding to from my previous post of a very angry brooding leon chicken

inspired by: xenomorph facehuggers (of course), lightning dogs from half life: alyx, and a variety of cute and creepy critters

[thewantedunwanted]

Interviewer: First off, let's put a CW (Content Warning) for Suicide/Ideation here for folks.

Continuing on the last post, which visited the topic of death and people caring for other people. I was recently made aware of gg's decision to end his life once OMC's elderly ESA (emotional support animal) passes away. Is that still his plan?

OMC:

It appears so.

Interviewer:

And you reached out to gg's friend when you learned of it?

OMC:

Yes.

Interviewer:

What were you hoping to accomplish?

OMC:

Yes, I reached out to gg's and my close friend. We'll call them "D". I wasn't yet able to articulate to myself or the rest of our system why I was reaching out. Just that gg was hurting, feeling rejected, feeling that ppl saw him as bad. Seeing 5 years of pandemic isolation stretching out into infinity. And now his ideation had formed into a fleshed out plan. It was too much to hold by myself, with most of our system asleep, it's mostly me and him.

Since the call, Ive realized I wanted this person to reach out to him, reach him in ways I can't. gg and I are very close. But there is also tension there and mistrust. I've caused him a fair amount of emotional harm trying to manage my social anxiety. My management has come at great cost to his own autonomy and happiness.

Interviewer:

How did that call go?

OMC:

It was by text, actually. Um. It went terribly. My approach wasnt good. I didnt make any requests for them to do anything. I didnt yet know why I was reaching out. This person, D, is his best friend. D then became my best friend after the two of us met and got to know each other. D's reaction was to get protective of me, instead of gg. Saying essentially gg should go into hybernation rather than murdering me and the others. It landed in all of his most vulnerable spots.

I didnt mention to D that gg asked the rest of us to come with him. Or that I hadn't said "no"... I-we, have accomplished a lot in our lives. Literally history changing accomplishments. Our over-name is in a queer history book. Even that whole thing aside, we've been involved in wildly successful international projects. Our work is used in schools across the US and in various other countries. Volunteer. So, Im not money bags. The opposit really Id be homeless so easily. Have been a few times. That's aside. See, I get especially restless when Im not working on a project. The more disabled I become, the harder that is. The louder volume the pain and discomfort in my body registers. And with the covid 19 pandemic, the apathy of the majority of not only the planet, but my inner social group. Watching people become disabled, die. Knowing if I get covid, I'll likely die or become further disabled. And realizing there is yet another way I'm separated. These are good people. They would be, because I'm picky. They arent apathetic because they don't care. Their brains have reached capacity and shut something off where we used to be on similar pages. People arent randomly dying and being disabled. Other people are killing and disabling them. Maybe, probably, some of my closest friends are killing and disabling others. And to them Im just someone with anxiety and ocd. Unreliable because Im mentally ill. Regardless of the vast amounts of primary source research I did. My intellect was celebrated before the pandemic. Then it was just suspect.

So, I found a local group of people who I at least had pandemic hygiene in common with. And I liked. I put on free disaster preparedness classes. It was something. It was important. gg stayed out of the space. hybernating often. waking miserable, angry, unbearably sad. He wasnt prone to depression. That was more my thing. He's hyper-social. He needs people like I need a purpose. He begged to finally join the group. I knew it was important. I didnt realize the total depth of the significance

He joined and lit up. I havent seen him blossom like that since we graduated uni and before most of his friends eventually moved away. It was so good. Until, in a day, it wasnt.

He told a moderator "no". He hadnt broken a rule. The moderator wanted the rules to be different. And we had a friend cross a boundary attempting to recruit me to help manage gg. It was rapid dominos from there. The fallout hit him like a sledge hammer. And it didnt miss me. In one fell swoop, he was out of the group and I was shunned in the group. Not by everyone. But when you go from well-liked to barely interacted with, it's a knife.

So here's one of my most precious people, gg. He's been hurting for years on years, sleeping and waking in worse shape each time. He asks me to help end that pain. To do so, it requires me to walk into the dark with him. If our ESA werent here and he asked today, the answer is an easy given. A tilted take on the trolly problem, no? 6 months from now? 2 years? I told him I didnt have an answer yet. Life may have changed, for either of us. Hopefully for both of us.

The others? Similarly waking for short periods of time after months or years pass, all of their friends moved on with their lives, disappeared, or dead. No longer peers in the same age group. hell, gg's in the body of a 40yo. Even before his stints of hybernation, he's always been younger than the body, complicated by being an age slider with the heart of an 8 year old. Parts of him have finally arrived to his early 20s. But look around, a 20 yo forming a friendship or relationships with someone in a 40yo system?? Ive asked gg to not date anyone under 30. A very uncomfortable compromise for me personally, 30 is younger than I would prefer. And he is young to be dating 30yos...

He's more impervious than some. But he's also an increadably tender kid. Carrying so much disapproval from others. From me. It gets through and causes damage.

We've arrived here.

Interviewer:

Your thoughts on Joel's trolly problem decision in the video game The Last of Us?

OMC:

Depends who you ask. Amy's take on the trolly problem years back was, "Even if I love someone, I would sacrifice them (or myself) for the greater good." Ask gg and... "quantity aint quality. maybe the other ppl suck. for sure my life would suck more without this person. aint doin it."

Interviewer:

Ok. So gg wont sacrifice someone he cares about. Would he sacrifice himself for strangers?

OMC:

That is a more difficult question. Has he ever talked to them? Does someone he cares about know them? Are they an actor playing a character he likes? If the answer is "no", there is a chance that they won't register as real people to him. Will he perceive the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"? Or the equivalent of "gg and 10 cardboard cut outs"? Like I would imagine for most people, he would not sacrifice hinself to rescue cardboard.

Interviewer: Say he registers the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"?

OMC:

Putting the trolly problem aside, do you care about strangers?

Interviewer:

I mean, sure.

OMC:

Why?

Interviewer:

Because they are people. I don't want bad things to happen to people whether or not I know them.

OMC:

But, why?

Interviewer:

[ x ]

OMC:

Leaving the theoretical, gg has protected a stalker at risk to his own safety. This stalker, we'll call "R", was previously a friend who became dangerously fixated when we wouldnt date her and we refused to end things with a friend gg was sleeping with. R threatened to kill us, broke into someone's else's house to steal our (necessary) new phone number, and so on. Serious stalker situation. The following incident was after the university tried to prohibit R from approaching us on the grounds or being in the same building with us. But took place before they expelled her and put a restraining order on her entering school grounds.

R shows up to a bar gg is at. We notice her because there's a commotion. R has gotten into an animated verbal sparring match of some sort with a random, drunk bar patron. Said patron is a sturdy dude. At a point, bar patron has gotten up from his seat, rounded on R and looks ready to violently put his hands on her. gg has gotten up by this point, pulls R behind him and apologizes to the guy, got him bantering, smoothes things over. It could have gone very differently.

Why would someone protect their own stalker? R was, maybe still is, a more than theoretical person to gg. People matter very much to gg. He just lives in a sparsely populated world.

Would he sacrifice himself for strangers? It's a toss up. Once you're at least on the same plane of real/likely real, he'll decide in the moment.

Disappointingly Necessary Disclaimer:

gg isn't a serial killer. or any kind of killer. He has never even been in a fist fight. He's not mean to animals either. People with DID are more likely to be the recipients of violence than the purpetrators. When someone in a system does violence, it is likely to be defensive of self or others. Some people, plural or not, can be violent. But it is not a distingushing trait for people with DID.

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[eijie-cavies]

Wen Kexing and the great divide.

So as we all know Episode 32 and 33 has left us with a plethora of questions and the fans are divided in terms of their view on Wen Kexing's plan. Tbh that is to be expected if you look at it. It was an asshole move to hide everything from A-Xu and leave him to find his soulmate's dead body only to find holy shit this motherfucker is alive still what the hell. And so a lot of the fans sided with the argument that Wen Kexing never learned and was acting like a selfish lone wolf. But today i am here to try to analyze the plan between Scorpion king, Wen Kexing and Ye bai Ye.

Please keep in mind i haven't watched the entirety of the show yet and so some theories here might not fit in with the rest of Kexing's explanation for the next episode.

Also thid will contain spoilers so please be warned.

Alright let's start. I will be dividing this analysis into parts. 1st part is the show's script and budgeting and why they chose the route that the went with.

2nd part is my theories on the heroes conference and why it was rushed as well as the timeline.

And lastly Wen Kexing's POV and the analysis for his plan and why he did what he did keeping A-Xu in mind as well.

A few extra bonuses is the romeo and juliet plot and why i think it had to be in the plot somehow.

So lets start, sit down and grab a drink for this you will need it.

1st part.

Scriptwriting and budgeting.

This show was supposed to have 45 episode and so the plot would have had more time to marinate and kick in if it weren't for the shortening of the epsiode.

With this in mind the scriptwriter had originally planned for this 45 episode and sadly we won't probably know what was supposed to happen if it weren't cut to 36 episode. But we do have Wolong nuts to thank for giving the drama sponsorship and making the drama into 36 rather than 32. If we had only 32 episodes in this drama everything would have felt too rushed and fast paced. And so to have to cut 9 episodes worth of plot the screewriter was put in a tight spot on how to cram three different events. Namely the kidnapping, the exposing of Zhao Jing and of course the wedding plot as well.

Thus the Romeo and Juliet plot was born. We will be discussing this plot in depth later on in the analysis. Nonetheless if they have had all the freedom and budget it would have been nice to see a plot of Zhou Zishu, Wen Kexing and The Scorpion King all work together to bring Zhao Jing down. For now let us work on the plot given to us.

2.) Timeline.

The heroes conference is a huge deal, this is where EVERYONE of big sects and names gather in the martial arts world, its the equivalent of the whole world witnessing everything. This event is a big part of the plan that the three accomplices had, if they didn't act right away Wen Kexing and Xie'er (Scorpion King) wouldn't have had the chance to expose Zhao Jing in the future, because like what the beauty ghost relayed, once the heroes conference is over Zhao Jing planned on killing Xie'er and eradicating the ghost valley. There would have been no other time to take him down, no time to wait for another heroes conference as Zhao Jing would have risen in power already, they would have been too powerful to stop and the merits he would have gained by then would be multiplies, the people wouldnt see him as evil anymore. Therefore it was crucial to strike at the time where they are most vulnerable and the seed of doubt was still fresh, if they had waited, everyone would have disregarded Wen Kexing as a mad man and praised Zhao Jing for saving them from the purges of the ghost valley.

And scorpion king? Who would believe him if he was the only one to take a stand? His Godfather no doubt would have acted as if he didnt know what Scorpion was saying and act innocent. Even if he was spared Scorpion had no allies other than Wen Kexing who's allies was also born out of the same hatred they had for Zhao Jing. Everyone was forced to act swiftly, it was an all or none kind of situation. Now if we backtrack to the previous episodes, not two episode ago Zhou Zishu was heavily injured because of the kidnapping and was given no time to properly heal before everything needed to be set. As you can see in episode 31 Wen Kexing was in a hurry to meet Xie'er, don't you think it was iffy that he would leave A-Xu like that if he was still injured? The Wen Kexing that we all know would not have moved a single inch from Zhou Zishu's side if he were injured. And this is because of a lot of things which we will be getting to in the third part of the analysis.

Now on the subject of the plan and how Chengling had somehow gotten a hold of it. Simple, Ye bai Yi. He is free to roam around, sending messages and talking to people behind the scenes, we never really knew what he did after he left Wen kexing at four seasons manor and the reason why he had agreed on the rushed reopening of the heroes conference. but if you think about it it fits with the timeline. Zhao Jing wanted to reopen the heroes conference and Ye Bai Yi was sure that they were out to hunt down the chief of the ghost valley. If you remember the letter in episode 27 you will understand.

Why did they get that letter in the first place when the four seasons manor wasnt even fully restored yet? The martial arts world didnt even know that Zishu was on the road to reopening it and yet he got an invitation. This is Ye Bai Yi's first clue and a nudge for Wen Kexing to take action. This leads us to part 3. Wen Kexing's plan.

3. Wen Kexing's plan.

Now the question is why didn't Wen Kexing think to tell Zhou Zishu his plan? Simple. He is heavily injured. Now i was stuck here as well because i would have thought, why couldnt he just trust Zishu of his plan? BUT you all have forgotten this.

Wen Kexing has asked this two times, he wanted tell Chengling already so the kid could process it before he could stage his plan and possibly even tell Zhou Zishu on how he can use the heroes conference as an event where he can expose Zhao Jing. But Zhou Zishu was kidnapped, tortured and injured. There was no time to tell him of the plan without him having to stop Wen Kexing from doing it. At first i thought this didnt make sense, Wen should have trusted Zishu enough to carry on without distrubance right? Well a very nice person in Youtube provided some very interesting and eye opening points for me.

And they are right, if i were Wen kexing i wouldn't want to burden Zishu of having to wait around thinking where i went off to, why do you think he told A-Xiang to take care of Zishu and promised to go back in one piece?

A-Xiang was also kept in the dark of the plan, the only plan she knew was that Wen Kexing is planning to have an alliance with the scorpion king and thats it. He didnt fully disclose everything either.

Wen Kexing's plan was simple, after he was regarded as "Dead" he probably would have went home to tell Zhou Zishu he was completely fine and it was all a ruse to trap Zhao Jing. BUT the problem was that Zishu set out to find him, Bei Yuan and Da Wu couldn't stop him either as they had no time to explain everything without Zishu panicking. Like i said this was all too rushed of a plan for Zishu to comprehend specially when he needed to heal as fast as possible.

What they could only do is give Zishu a medicine to ensure that if he ever did take out the nails he would still be okay. And that was the downfall of Kexing's plan. He didnt expect Zishu to have escaped his friends watchful eyes and go to the siege, ever wonder why Kexing said this when Zishu arrived?

He was trying to convince Zishu to leave, make him believe that Wen Kexing is out for blood. But Zishu didn't fall for it, instead he stayed which was NOT a part of the plan at all. There was nothing Kexing could have done now, the siege was happening and he could only play along and move forward. And if you look closely again just as they were about to attack Kexing, Ye Ba Yi came to fight Kexing at the VERY right time, and who fought Zhou Zishu?

The three ghosts WuChang, his subordinate and Happy ghost. Why didn't anyone else go for Zishu? They could have had the scorpions attack him but they chose the Ghosts who are a part of Wen Kexing's valley, mind you these three ghosts were there when they rescued Zishu wouldn't it just sound stupid if they were fighting Zishu to kill him? No. What they tried to do is separate Zishu from Wen Kexing. Ye Bai ye could have eliminated Wen in 10 moves, he said this himself. But they had this complicated dance that somehow landed Wen Kexing at the edge of the cliff and left Chengling to do the rest.

And so he fell and Zishu followed. If you look closely even Ye Bai Yi was surprised that Zhishu jumped. NONE of it was part of the plan. From the moment Zishu entered to the moment he jumped no one planned for it.

And if you are upset of Zishu having to see Kexing's dead body and breaking his heart, this again was NOT A part of the plan. Beauty ghost was there to protect the corpse, if the corpse had not been burned it would have been presented to the martial art world and Kexing would come back as a different person and telling them "They got it wrong. That corpse is the chief of the ghost valley, i am Wen Kexing the disciple of four seasons manor" and it would have been more belieavable. But plans went south, Zishu found the corpse further solidfying that Kexing (in his mind) is dead and so he took out the nails. Ke xing couldn't show himself to stop Zishu either, there was so little time and he couldn't risk himself be seen.

Some others had been in the dark of the plan as well, not just Zishu, and the reason Wen Kexing didn't dare tell him was not because he didn't trust Zishu to stay away and let the plan carry out, instead he know EXACTLY what this will do to Zishu. Wen Kexing's plan was to HIDE Zishu away until the conference ended. Because with Da Wu and Bei Yuan, there would have been no news about Ke Xing dying that would have reached their place and Zishu would have had all the time to recover as Ke Xing took revenge and finally come back home as a new person.

He NEEDED Zishu to stay away from the fight to help himself heal just enough to get the nails out.

His revenge done and his new goal to be with Zishu for the rest of their lives. But unfortunate events happened, Zishu found out and there was other way to go but forward.

Ever wonder why Kexing had this look on his face on episode 33?

He wanted so bad to explain everything but the spotlight was on him and this was the only time he will be given the chance to take a stand. This is now between him and the Zhao Jing. Like everything there was nothing to do but move forward.

Now for bonus part.

Romeo and Juliet plot.

Romeo and Juliet plot is basically person A percieved as "Dead" and person B endagering their life to the brink of death only to find person A was alive and well but Person B is for real dying.

Now tbh i wasn't a big fan of the Romeo and Juliet plot, this was the reason why fans became so divided and saying Kexing didn't learn his lesson therefore lossing their faith in Kexing and Zishu's relationship. He was pervieved as childish and selfish, And tbh they would have had so many plot devices that they can use to maximize full on plotting and bringing down Zhao Jing. But going back to my first point of the budgeting im guessing the scriptwriter had struggled to cram it all in. It was already episode 33 and they still had two more plots to cram in (the wedding and curing Zishu) so im not as upset as much. In the end the whole staff gave their best and poured their heart and soul into the drama. On an ending note i'll just let this nice person do the talking for me

Thank you for reading! If you guys have your own theories feel free to discuss or voice them out.

[icharchivist]

Lol, nothing to be ashamed of. Lavi's reaction to his relationships is one of the most fascinating parts about his character. I too wonder what his reaction will be post Noah abduction. Is Lavi the type to get that angry/vengeful for himself or just for someone else? It's possible if it was just him he could bury his feelings better and rationalize it's war and the Noah don't play nice. But Bookman is involved too. If something bad happened to Bookman because of the Noah would Lavi get furious-

2 enough to act irrational (for a bookman)? Afterall losing Bookman would also make Lavi the new Bookman (considering all the secrets he doesn’t know. I think Lavi would feel wholly unprepared for the new title). 

we’ll do this by parts because there’s a lot to get through (with love nonny, this is fantastic and now i have a lot of Lavi’s feels thank u) So let’s start there.

But this is a good question and the question i’m wondering as well. And Bookman remains someone important for Lavi, emotionally and in term of rank, in term of what it means for him. The death of Bookman could bring anger, but would that anger be affection based? Would it also be fueled by the crushing duty on his shoulder? The crushing pain they both went through? Would Lavi consider his own pain or only the old man’s? There’s.. so many questions and i guess we just have to wait and see. I trust Lavi’s heart is too talkative for his own good, but it depends how much he decides to dedicate himself to his Bookman part once he has no other choice.

AND I’m gonna put the rest under read more because MAN this is fascinating and it has a lot of asks and Get In For the Lavi Suffering Train my friends!

(if you’re on mobile and the readmore doesn’t work blacklist #long post for ts, or #readmoreundercut to reduce this post, it got very long)

But yeah, there’s no use in comparing one reaction to another in terms of loss. All of them speak to how Lavi views them. From what I’ve observed Lavi hates seeing the volition of his friends violated. He hated how scared Leverrier made her when forcing her to act. He hated Tyki for -

3 trying to kill Allen and taking his future as a exorcist away since he knows how important that is to Allen. He didn’t calm down in both cases until Lenalee made her own choice and Tyki confirmed Allen was alive and coming. He also acts very post close death of someone. W/Lenalee he started to pay more attention to the depth of her feelings and comfort her (before he either kept distant or yelled at her). W/Allen he contemplated his own heart and acted more clingly. Both cases he got more - 4 more protective. 

ooh this is a very, very good point! And even if it’s no surprise it really puts to word how that “bookman got no heart” thing is bullshit. If at least the Tyki’s overreaction was due to the grief and loss (which would be understandable as you say further in, not being as convinced of Allen’s survival) the one for Lenalee and Lveille was entierely on how Lveille was emotionally abusing Lenalee- something that is less “obvious” than litterally killing (geez i wonder how “I’m so heartles” Lavi managed to get pissed at an entierely emotionally based conflict) (is making fun of Lavi’s lack of heartlessness getting old yet? Bc I still will use that against him). 

And you’re also right that there was a real change of action from Lavi the moment he feared he lost them. He was emotionally and physically more available to either of them- and since the most of it was when Bookman wasnt looking, it’s not really a wonder that Bookman made sure Lavi kept his distances when the destruction of the Order ended. Tbh it makes sense Lavi took his distances storywise when he did 

(and it’s only the hiatuses that makes it very agonizing- and i mean it in general because even the pacing of the story had to change when Hoshino went to monthly with the Alma arc and to the current pacing. I remember that she mentioned having wanted to make a 3rd Exorcist centric arc before the Alma Arc but her health was running thin when she went on Monthly so she jumped on the Alma’s arc that was more important for her to tell. That’s why also she found the loophole to get the Thirds to be mindcontrolled by the Earl now and giving Link this side arc focusing on how he’s worried for them in recent arcs. I’m kinda sad we never got to see what that “Third Plotline” would have originally looked like, but i’m kinda curious how she’ll rework it. (tbh I feel like originally there was going to be an arc with more actions of the Third gradually getting the Noah’s interests rather than just their intervention in Paris and unseen missions. An arc to realy set in motion how the Noah came to the conclusions we see them get by the Alma arc. So like, kept the reasoning we got offscreen and keeping the thematic and lore/characters development for a future arc with another plot).Point is, it is possible there were more Lavi’s development planned after the Paris arc that had to be scrapped with the Alma arc was moved forward. (i also think there was a bonus around the Paris’s arc of Lavi mentioning coming back in the plot soon so if i’m not wrong, it strengthen my belief there). Considering also the focus on Lavi and Bookman following the news at that time, it’s possible it wasn’t directly planned to jump into what became of their storylines. Imo i wonder if the political aspect didn’t have to take a major backseat as well. I mean before the Alma arc we were learning about how the Noah (esp Sheryl with his political situation) were manifacturing wars to create the sorrow needed for the Akuma, and we see especially Lavi and Bookman read about it and more seriously mention it. I wonder if that was the set up to something that had to be pushed away considering how Sheryl becomes proheminant in the next arcs not for his political ties (like he was introduced) but for his sadism. THAT SAID it’s also interesting Sheryl’s introduction was directly commented on by LAVI AND BOOKMAN, which imo emphasis even more how much Sheryl was supposed to affect their storylines. It still works with the torture plot though. AND MAN THAT WAS A LONG PARENTETHIS SORRY). 

Erg what was i saying- ah yes, Bookman might have seen that Lavi ended up getting closer to the others the few times Bookman hadn’t been paying attention, and with the threat of the innocence taking Lavi away (which would be fun, losing one apprentice to the Noah and the second to the Innocence…), forcing Lavi to recenter on Politics and keep his distances from the others made sense. Until the Alma arc happened and then it was just bad luck. Point is, Lavi’s emotional balance changed once Bookman wasn’t there to monitor him and i think Bookman is painfully aware of that. I think it’s not even innocent Bookman sent Lavi on Bookman’s duty to record Cross and Allen’s conversation about the 14th. Forcing Lavi into his duty in regard of what was happening to Allen, forcing him to face what caused him emotions and get back to being heartless. Doubt it really worked though but i can see a reasoning there in trying to remind Lavi of his duty.

I think Lavi would get pretty angry on Kanda’s behalf. But I wonder if it’d be on the same level of the other examples? They get along better then most but we haven’t seen them that emotionally availiable to the other. Ex, like Kanda was w/Alma, Lenalee, Marie and Teidoll and now w/Johnny and Allen. when I focus more on Allen (blame Lavi not being present for any of the Kanda plot). We’ll see whenever they reunite. 

It’s a good question tbh. I wonder if the “oh no i’m caring too much” trigger isn’t set on “almost dying companions” and thus Lavi wouldn’t have reacted as much for Kanda (?). I wonder if he would just have gone back too what his mindset was before going to the Order according to his Road’s memories: “Humanity just sucks.” (heavily paraphrazing but he says something similar bc he saw too many wars. Which hell, he is at his 49TH NAME FOR A 49TH RECORDED WAR AT 18, i’m terrified to do the math (bc also i’m terrified of math) but that’s enough to make you lose faith in humanity). I wonder if Lavi wouldn’t have been “Disgusted but Not Surprised”. 

But I like to believe he couldn’t help but be angry still. I want to believe in Lavi’s heart there. Of how much the Order first opened his mind and is now a source of suffering. Perhaps that’s also why he had to be kept away from that plotline. Bc he would have been unpredictable. 

I think I like to focus on Allen’s impact on Lavi the most -

5 because the series does (it is Allen’s story). 

(lmao mood and you play on my bias there and u know it)

Lavi got attached before Allen but the novel w/Dug reveals he was still detached enough to move on (and Dug was probably his closest genuine friend at the time). It wasn’t until Lavi saw an Akuma’s soul and Allen talking Krory out of suicide that something changed in Lavi. How the heck can a kid live in hell and still be so good? Lavi probably thought he had already seen hell in countless wars but one Aluma soul made him sick like nothing before - 6 did. 

This is a VERY GOOD POINT and tbh same I do think the “seeing the Akuma’s soul” was the catalyst for Lavi. Also I think it was mentioned then that “allowing others to see Akuma’s soul” only happened that one time, so between Lavi, Krory and Allen. For Allen it was his “all the time” thing, for Krory it was his very first time even comprehending what Akuma were like, ways to be scared for life.

But for Lavi it also suddenly put emotional weight on what was happening, especially when his introductions is all a bit… teasing about how Allen was relaying on said eye. The whole “can’t trust anyone” speech he tells Allen. Which is even more telling that he JUST CAME BACK from the Dug’s mission when this whole arc happened. Meaning Lavi could have been really bitter about it and become extremely cynical. 

For Lavi who distances himself emotionally from people to start with, who doesn’t even trust humanity all that much, “weapons made from people who cared to the point of being carried away” would probably just emphasis more on how much he’s not supposed to care. Adding fuel on why he is to be heartless, that he cannot trust anyone. And for Allen, who’s so young, so reliant on his eye, “not knowing the horrors of eventually losing someone to an Akuma” (I doubt Lavi knew of the Mana incident back then- if he did know Allen turned Mana into an akuma due to records though I think he might have been cynical bc he just lost someone over “that stupid move” too- would take time to sink in that those feelings even happened), it would just be someone who “got it easy”. While Lavi learnt the hard way what losing a close one to an Akuma would be like (also ding ding ding we got another parallelism between Lavi and Allen I’ve never noticed before of the two of them knowing someone who got turned into an Akuma this is a bingo). (And now that i’m thinking about it funny how Allen/Lavi/Krory all had a closed one that became an Akuma and they were the one tied in that arc: they’re the three who knows what an Akuma’s looks like).

The Eliade incident was Lavi’s wakeup call that Allen wasn’t carefree, he wasn’t having it easy- he was seeing horrors and stood it with a smile, a smile as fake as Lavi’s, fellow fake smile liar. Also it may have also put into perspective how much of a hard time Allen suddenly had when he lost his eye. I also wouldn’t leave it past Lavi to have realized all the sudden that this “soul” was An Actual Person more than a poor decision. To be able to see and conceptualize the mutilated soul must have suddenly put the Dug’s situation into perspective. And if i’m not wrong- it’s that Dug called for Colette’s soul who died right? A Little girl. Seeing Eliade’s soul must have suddenly clicked in Lavi’s head of “Holy hell this is what happened to Colette”. It wasn’t a vague “ye ye tragedy creating weapon yada yada” this was knowing that inside the mutilated body of his friend, there was the mutilated soul of a little girl who didn’t ask for it. I think that definitly added to a sudden punch for Lavi because he could associate Eliade’s situation to Dug/Colette. And while this was an horrifying sight the most horrifying was to realize that Allen was used to it and this was the sort of things that haunted him and that he still carrid it on to the point of feeling SAFETY into seeing those souls. Perhaps that helped a lot understanding Allen’s compassion for the Akuma. 

And exactly like you mention: All this perspective had him more curious toward Allen. Tbh the fact he was even recluent in going to save Allen when the Krory arc started and that the following arc he was in full breakdown at the thought of Allen dying shows how much this incident only had him care for Allen beyond what he expected. It wasn’t just like Dug anymore. And I truly, truly believe it’s linked to how suddenly Lavi had to face Allen’s demons and wonder how he even keeps up a smile and still give himself up for those horrors. 

(I hadn’t read the manga in forever and now i want to again dear kdhkjdf)

Another was inside Roads dreamworld when Lavi was fighting deranged versions of his friends. This was always a peculiar scene to me I haven’t fully decided what it means. All of the Order/companions are attacking Lavi. Except Allen who looks totally normal and unlike the other versions, doesn’t judge Lavi. He instead comments on what Lavi has attached to and gets killed for it. Not by Lavi. But by Bookman jr. Maybe BJr knew Allen was the one person Lavi couldn’t rationalize hurting even-7 if he knew this Allen was fake? Either way it was seeing Allen’s death that broke Lavi mentally enough to get hurt and fall under Road’s control. Maybe it’s mean’t to convey Allen is put on a pedestal. Allen has seen hell but never became a part of it like Lavi’s seen so many others have (even Lenalee only cares about HER people. Nothing against her. It’s totally understandable. But Allen is different for caring about everyone). That’s why Allen would never become a ‘monster’ in Lavi’s mind? -

8 But that’s a theory. 

Ooh the scene that spilled a lot of ink (ahah geddit, “are we just ink on paper for you” and the ink of the Ace of spade spilling…. Look i need to do Bookmen jokes to cope)

But yes this scene was very good and I do think it’s true. The problem though is that since it’s Road’s illusion there’s a lot to wonder about how much was Road’s (correct) assuptions about Lavi, and the fact she herself has a soft spot for Allen. 

I think it’s possible Road went with Lavi getting to face everyone’s corpses accusing him for “not having feelings” to break him, and realized it didn’t work. Lavi managed to see through the illusion (if only because say, Lenalee wouldn’t have said the horrible things Fake!Lenalee says in his mind). But Road knows Allen. Road knows how sweet and gentle he can be. 

And somewhat she dig enough in Lavi’s brain to… not only know, but she found out the ACE OF SPADE and that goddamn Ace… MAN. LIKE. How important was that thing for Road to manage to tear it out from Lavi’s mind on the same level as him meeing Lenalee or the dude of the Order for the first time? From all the things Road could have picked up upon, it was that Card. That Card that represented how much affection Lavi had for Allen. That Card he linked to the grief of losing Allen (which also, doesn’t it mean Loss in divination reading? also due to the fact it looks like a heart upside down, pierced?). That Card that he kept as a memory of Allen, that he had to hold on to (litterally in the same frame as Anita & Lenalee talks about Cross and Lenalee asks “Do you believe he’s still alive?” (talking about Cross there) and Anita’s answer is set ON LAVI’S WATCHING THAT DAMN CARD thinking about ALLEN while she says “Yes. This is the only thing that’s giving me strength”. The very scene that has to force Lavi toremind himself he has no need for a heart. Also known as the scene that murdered me.).

And Road? Finds out how important that card is for Lavi, and realizes that Lavi “heartless” Bookman let himself cling into that one emotional piece, that ONE THING that kept him emotional. And what does she do? Realize that it means Allen is one of the only emotional things Lavi can materialize. And therefore, she shows Allen, gentle, sweet, kind, taking up the card, thanking Lavi for holding on to it. Lavi knew he was surrounded by illusions but he was frozen upon seeing Allen thanking him. If Allen immediatly attacked him like Fake!Lenalee did, how would Lavi have reacted? Who knows. Because Road went right to the emotions Lavi left vulnerable. The one thing Lavi had looked up to questioning about his Bookman duty and had his Bookman self murder Allen. And when the card fell down, all its ink disappeared, spilled. I think even “Bookman JR” says “what are you so distressed about, it’s only ink on paper?”. Turning how this card emotioanlly impacted Lavi into ink furthered Lavi’s duties due to how material it was.

I think you’re entierely right on “Bookman JR* knew Allen was the one person Lavi couldn’t rationalize hurting even if he knew Allen was fake”. (* albeit it is also Road digging into his own heart doing so - it is blurry whenever we can just pin it on Road or if his Bookman’s internal self also know and realize Allen is a weakness for himself). I think it might also be linked to how much of an emotional journey Allen had put him through so far and suddenly  it was too much, and Road took the approach of a gentle Allen, a REALISTIC Allen, and it took Lavi completely off guard. It suddenly made it all more painful.

I do think perhaps he considers Allen differently, if only because he saw them far latter and had to come with a lot of different realizations about Allen- especially by seeing under his mask. Lenalee was always sincere about how she felt- he saw her crying on her fallen companions when they first met. Allen fakely smiled, Lavi took him for granted, and had his entiere view on him shifted by the Eliade incident only to then lose him. If Lenalee showed the good of caring for your own people, Allen was confusing, was the opposite of “All humanity sucks” Pre-Order Lavi. 

bc i also think that counts: yes Lenalee cares only about her people, like you say- but Allen went off record to cut himself out from everyone while trying to save everyone: humans and akuma alike. I think that plays too. Lenalee keeps a few people close and she loves them openly. Allen fakes being close to everyone while he actually doesn’t let anyone in, carries all the burden for himself, and fight for absolutly everyone, friends or foes. And not by naivety, like Lavi first assumed, but by knowing too much. And ain’t “knowing too much” exactly what the Bookmen are for? “Knowing too much” is the reason Lavi cannot bring himself to get emotionally attached, and even managed to distach himself before the Order. Yet “Knowing too much” is the reason Allen cares so much despite consequences, despite what comes with it, despite seeing its horrors even more. “Knowing too much” had Lavi look down on humanity. “Knowing too much” had Allen focused on saving it. If only because of how much Lavi can relate to that, and how it links back to the sudden knowledge of what the eye bring, the vulnerability it created is fascinating.

(hell the whole torture does end with this: (translated from french bc it’s easier to grab my volume than look the chapter online sorry about that):Bookman self: Why are you so different from the 48 me before you? why does 49th suffer this much? Do you not want to be a Bookman anymore, “Lavi”? You prefer fighting for passing friendships? You know very well there’s no hope left to have in humankind. It only knows how to create conflicts. You know it well! So forget your self consiousness and remind yourself that “I”, I have responsabilities as Bookman.Lavi: Easy to say. Try to understand “me”. I lost faith in humanity. I wondered “Until when is it going to tear itself apart?” I was convinced that as a Bookman, I was belonging to a whole other species, what bullshit… But… could you light it up for me? In which purpose….. do Bookmen exist? Why the wars don’t end in the world of humankind?Bookman self: Why do you ask “me”? I don’t know!Lavi: I am you, right? There was 48 before. And with me, “Lavi” it makes 49…. 49 for one single person: “me”. And you still don’t have an answer? So if someone has to know….Unclear (probably both as it’s when “Lavi” disappears): The first one who started to change was You. The one who wanted to get out from this dead end. Who looked for answers. 

Those are the questions that arose from Road’s fight. This is the questions that arose from fighting the people he loved, from facing Allen, from facing guilt. I am still fascinated by this monologue to this day because i’m not entierely sure what it means except that Lavi is taking a different approach at being a Bookman, and trying to figure out what it means to be one outside from just coldly recording as a neutral party. He went from “Knowing too much is why I don’t care for them” to “but I have a responsability by Knowing too much to make sense of it”. And that’s something that, to me, seems influenced by Allen. If only because Allen was the catalyst of every step through that nightmare: From what Broke him to what Called Him Back. Of what Broke him by “sticking to the cold Bookman nature” self, and what Called Him Back due to “Acknowledging Emotions” (the Caring Call (erg this section was added after i explained further down what the Caring Call is, details further down), but also Road’s - as he directly then tells Allen when he awakes “dO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THIS GIRL CARES ABOUT YOU”. Lavi’s key to salvation was to acknowledge Feelings. Of using this Knowledge he had to emotionally reccord to know how to emotionally get out. It isn’t for nothing Mister Heartless’s battle was a battle in his own heart this whole time.)

I do think there might be something for the torture of seeing everyone you don’t want to admit you care about hate you, and having the one person you know would care no matter what die in front of you because of the heartless facade you want to believe yourself to be, would break Lavi. Allen himself doesn’t hurt Lavi, Lavi still “gets stabbed” by everyone else fake!self. (albeit we know that Lavi still managed to stab himself first but u know what i mean). Somewhat it was more painful to be the cause of Allen’s downfall than Allen hating him. And this close from thinking Allen died? No wonder it hurt this much.

For Road to pinpoint it… honestly i could have easily said “it’s Road’s own feelings shinning through as well” since she does have a soft spot for Allen (and did hide in Allen) if it wasn’t for the Card and how it was presented beforehand.

… and i’m just realizing, Road hid in Allen probably expecting that Lavi would not be able to actually stab Allen without good reasons. And hell, Lavi didn’t do it until Allen called for him on the other side, what i called Caring Calls earlier (recent chapters say that “just like Akuma the loved ones’s call can be strong enough to bring back your soul from where it wanders”, imo it didn’t man that “Allen is completely like an Akuma” (more layered than that) but directly said that Johnny’s love was enough to get through Allen right? Then there’s no reason not to assume that “Lavi can you hear my voice?” didn’t manage to get through Lavi still. And it would be extremely ironic that the two who had loved ones become Akuma would manage to use the very power used to make Akuma, ie the caring calls, to fight back the Noah, using how they weaponized emotions against them by weaponizing it back. Especially the two who fake their emotions the most.). I think Allen’s voice managed to ground Lavi’s back in reality enough to be able to stab Road and see clarity in her mind game. But the only facts she pulled it that way says a lot about the assumptions she took away from it, and even more so when she was mostly right until Lavi gained clarity of mind.

Lol it’s actually a good thing Lavi’s not around to hear Allen’s backstory. Kanda’s a good first time listener for Allen because I doubt he’ll overreact in a way to make Allen regret it. If Lavi ever learned about how mistreated and abused Allen was I don’t think he could contain his anger (you’d almost pity Cosimo if he’s still around and Lavi ran into him knowing him as Allen’s past abuser). 

Honestly mood. I think Kanda would at least.. work better to catalyze what’s happening. From his own tragic past to how much he knows he can rely on Allen on that matter, I think he’s more likely to have a balanced enough reaction that we can get Allen to tell his full story without being interrupted. I think everyone else would get too emotional to let him finish ahah. But that’s to wonder how much Lavi would react to past hurt… Again, or does he only care when they nearly died. I don’t know if Lavi would get very stormy-pissed off but if Cosimo was still alive and Lavi met him knewing what happened I’d see him pulling Chaotic “pranks” at him in a very bad way? like. Restless. And Mean. But who knows really… tbh now that I think about it considering how he behaved to Lveille.. I think he would only become coldly cruel if Cosimo appeared in front of Allen and Allen showed discomfort. There, all hell would break loose. 

But yeah I could go on about Lavi. He’s a complex guy.

considering this is the length of this answer thus far, I think we found each other nonny and you dug right into my heart. Needs two to cry over one fake heartless boy.

Sometimes I wonder if Lavi even believed Bookman when he said Allen was alive? We know Lenalee eventually did when she stated her belief during the Eshi fight. Lavi however was so furious when he wanted to fight Tyki that he didn’t calm down until Tyki said Allen was alive. Lavi acted shocked to hear that and still seemed surprised when Allen actually showed up. Compare his reaction to Lenalee who was angry at Tyki but not that revenge driven because she believed in her heart already Allen was-

2 alive and would rejoin them. She chose to have a lot of faith in order to keep her going (that says a lot about her strength of character, personal opinion) while Lavi stayed focused on his loss of Allen. It’s interesting how Lavi’s relationship with death itself plays so much into how he functions even inside his own mind. It might be why Lavi shows a fear that Allen will die because he’s too good to last in the world (the whole like the light scene). Darkness is permanent. Light isn’t.

First “Darkness is permanent. Light isn’t” is a freaking raw line, and it fits Lavi’s mindset so much, especially how much he had lost faith in humanity and the moment Allen lightened up (as you say, “you are light, i’m afraid you will disappear in the light”(paraphrazing bc i dont’ have the word for word englih vers and the french vers is more confusing). also this is so interesting that for Lavi there is darkness but for the Light, it’s the fear the Light might take Allen away. esp since he specifically mentions how “the crowned Clown”, that masked innocence is the one taking him away. The Light that is taking Allen away is the Innocence. And he compares the Masked innocence to Allen right after Allen try to smile to lift up people’s spirit: another smile Lavi sees right through as a fake smile, fearing Allen is losing himself in his own light, behind his mask: that while it’s a mask, it remains a light that can disappear. Lavi sees the destruction possibility from Light as well, had lost Allen to the darkness (and we, the audience, saw Allen being dragged away in Nea’s darkness at this point when he almost died) only now to be swallowed whole by the Light. Poetry.)

Also I completely agree on the Lenalee’s reading. I also really believe Anita’s sentence matters there, the one she tells Lenalee (and that is supperposed on Lavi) of believing Cross is alive “because it’s the only thing that’s giving me strength”. The dialogue seems to be echoing Lenalee and Lavi’s need to hold on to the thought of Allen being alive to give them strength.

The Asian Branch was the one to tell them Allen was alive but unable to use his innocence though so, as far as we know, Lavi had nor eason to really doubt Allen was alive. But I do think he was distressed by the amount of emotions it provocked him. Bookman beat him up for caring too much after he got cruel with Lenalee’s grief. Tbh I think Lavi was externalizing his own frustration on her, almost talking to himself. “Get yourself together, people die in wars, you should be expecting it”- all those horrible things he tells Lenalee while she’s crying for Allen, after Lavi ends up breaking a glass out of frustration- the fact Bookman then tells him that he shouldn’t be caring so much makes me think he was talking to himself but didn’t want to admit it. He felt the same distress as Lenalee but where Lenalee knew to externalize her feelings, to acknowledge them, Lavi was distressed to even have them, and instead of facing them, he took it against her. Perhaps there was something “unfair” that she could feel grief while “he couldn’t,” and  by shutting her grief down, he would do himself the service to shut his grief down. Obviously a dick move. But also a personal one.

I really do think it’s a lot about Lavi not wanting to process the grief.  Being unable to process it, and rejecting it completely. He didn’t go to the multiple stages of griefs, he didn’t have to be in denial, he didn’t have to barging: He went straight to anger and didn’t know how to get out of it. Allen being alive meant he didn’t have to go through all those steps but as a result he instead got overprotective. I think there’s this though  too is that when Lenalee almost died, Lavi jumped to Denial first and expressed it with Anger. Lavi didn’t let the possibility of Lenalee being dead sink in, even if he was terrorized by it.But for Allen, Timcanpy showed them as much shootage as he could, and for the trip from the Ace of Spade to the Boat, Lavi and Lenalee had no reason to even hold on hope. I believe too that the fact Lavi managed to hold on Hope for Lenalee was both that 1) Allen’s case showed the Denial was a possibility, 2) that he still hadn’t recovered from the recent grief that he wasn’t ready to go through anothr one. 

Likewise it’s not just Allen’s life that almost got lost: it was his innocence. And Lavi knows how important Allen’s duty is for him. We as the audience get to hear Allen says that he’d rather be dead than not being able to fight in the war, to save poeple. Lavi knows Allen cares about saving humanity and akuma, and for that , he needs the innocence. And he knows Allen gives himself up selflessly entierely for that. If Timcanpy’s recording showed everything, they also saw that Allen died because he tried to bring salvation to Suman, even when Suman was considered a traitor to the Order. And Unlike Lenalee, Allen didn’t know Suman personally. Allen just did it out of his own heart, of what he wanted to save. 

The loss of Allen was a loss of what was good in humanity. Of this Light that was going to fade away. And the fact is that up until Allen arrives, no one knew his Innocence would still work. Tyki took away Allen’s life purpose. Tyki took away what Allen used to save people, selflessly. Tyki took away Allen’s light, the salvation that Allen was offering others, what Allen cared above anything else. 

That adding to how little he processed the grief and how cruel Tyki had been, Lavi’s outbrust is more than justified for me. And even better for me to believe he knew Allen was alive but thought about how much he had lost. Because suddenly not even Allen being alive, not even how much he had to remind himself he had no heart: Lavi couldnt help let his fury take him over seeing Tyki. No amount of reasoning with himself, no possibility to blame anyone else but the person in front of him. And that’s RAW. 

 (also if we go Lavi = Heart theory (which we all know i’m a sucker for) it’s also amazing that both Allen and Lenalee’s innocences evolved. First, both innocence shielded them from Death, Allen’s innocence litterally repairing his devoured heart. (his!! heart!!) : bth while Lavi was freaking out about their death and couldn’t let it sink in. Lenalee’s innocence then remained non-offensive the entiere time (finally answering her wishes to not be a weapon in the war after she almost died in it), the only time she begs for her innocence back is when Lavi is not conscious to hear her, and the innocence accepts her again after she begs for it in the infirmary in front of Lavi (with a lot of Focus on Lavi i might add). For Allen, his innocence evolved when Tyki sent the Akuma to kill him when he saw Lavi’s distress. Lavi’s emotions were all over the place and suddenly he had reasons to fear for Allen’s life again and that’s when the innocence shielded Allen with light. Also note that during that fight against Tyki Lenalee’s innocence shield her in a crystal again when Lavi lose sight of her and panics. Also fair to notice that Allen’s innocence evolved into an innocence “harmless for humans” right when Lavi’s mind was being broken and a fight between the two of them was unavoidable. Allen’s innocence evolved in a way that could protect Lavi right before Lavi needed it. But again it’s Heart theory stuff and y’all know what a sucker i am for it).

ALTHOUGH I do believe that even if Lavi believed Allen was alive, it was a harder belief to hold on to. That he believed in it “only to give himself strength” and seeing Tyki had his strength waver. While Lenalee held on it tightly, put all her faith in it (ironical for a character characterized by her lack of faith in her innocence, yet her full faith into people, her need to have faith that they will be okay (i do think she mentions something like that about Komui too, of having to hold on faith it will be alright.): an interesting tidbits about Lenalee imo), Lavi tried so hard to rationalize all of that that he might have “believed” in the background without holding this thought too hard because doing so would be caring too much, would be reopening thewounds that hadn’t healed and refused to. No need to believe if you don’t acknowledge it right? You can interpret the shape of a cloud any way you want, there is no shape to believe in if you keep your eyes closed. Until you’re forced to snap your eyes back opened and face it ithout being able to have the time to rationalize it. 

Does that make sense? I hope it does.

But yes, I agree, I do think that coming this close from almost losing him had Lavi scared to process the grief again. And scared to lose him to the light like they lost him to the darkness, one extreme to the other.

DGM: Crud. All this Lavi talk and his feelings over loss makes me realize he hasn’t seen or experienced Allen’s Noah awakening at all. What if Lavi’s going to be a observer and he’s helpless watching Allen deteriorate in front of him. How’s he going to talk to Neah? How’s he going to feel about Kanda carrying the burden of killing Allen before Neah takes over for good? Apocryphos chasing after Allen to merge w/him and hurting their friends along the way? There’s a lot of bad waiting for Lavi!

I almost answered this one on its own but i think it ties in perfectly: Isn’t Allen’s current storyline of being torn between the darkness (Noah/Nea) and the Light (Innocence/Apocryphos)? This would be Lavi’s fear come to realization again to see it. To see Allen being swallowed by either, to see him struggle against either side. 

Lavi did hear of at least the whole thing Cross told Allen about Nea/Mana and Allen’s determination of “I am not the 14th, I am Allen, and screw him, i will fight for myself”. Lavi was the only witness of this convo with Cross and the Crows. (which also makes me realize how much Lavi DOES know about Allen at this point bc that was a very particularly vulnerable moment in which Allen completely broke down in front of Cross. His mask fell down by facing his past.)

so if anything, Lavi knows Allen will fight no matter what, he knows of Allen’s determination: But he hadn’t seen how much it had been tested so far. Currently Allen is being tested to some extreme with how much both sides are tearing on him. A lot of set up Lavi is aware about and worried about, but hadn’t been able to experience yet. And with Lavi’s current bad experience with the Noah (with Fiidora drawing his heart broken i’m going to sUE-) I doubt those feelings would be easy to sort out. 

It’s funny how Lavi is forced to be neutral by watching both sides and yet being emotionally involved in the exorcists and physically involved with the Noah, while Allen is forced being Neutral by being rejected from where he wants to be and dragged where he doesn’t want to. I wonder how much facing that would feel like.

OKAY THAT’S ALL FOR THE LAVI’S ASKS I THINK. I think we might have overlooked a few things but that’s a Lot to dig in and… lavi makes me weak. 

Also pour one fam’ that’s litterally a fic update at this point.

I just hope it sort of makes sense wow. 

TAKE CARE AND THANKS FOR THE LAVI FEELS OF THE DAY!

(Jumping on the next one in a minute, it will probably be shorter. hopefully)ligdorm