#i don't have a consistent tw tag because i don't talk about it enough

[ivestas]

Thank you for writing my request, I loved it!! I have another idea but it's a deeper subject so I understand not everyone is comfortable with writing about it. Could you write about a younger reader and the team see self harm wounds and scars while they were injured or while they were changing? (Something along those lines) and what they would do/ react? Xx

what is most precious to you?

Summary: The 141 discover a part of you that you’d wanted to bury.

Tags: TW s/elf harm scars + sui/cide and talk of it, please read carefully/don't read if this topic triggers you, platonic!141 x medic!fem!reader, reader implied to be mentally ill, younger!reader, descriptions of blood and injury, canon typical violence, soap + ghost focused, unedited

Word count: 1.5k

Notes: im glad u enjoyed the previous req anon! i hope I'm able to do this req justice too 🫡

You’d been a part of the 141 long enough for the others to know and trust you.

An esteemed medic that knew medicine and all things fixing like the back of her hand, despite your age—it was a natural skill, it seemed. Your hands were always so damn fast with a gauze—hell, even a dirty rag you’d make use of in an instant. 

You were just good. Reliable. Consistent. Seemingly just a normal young lady whose only eccentricity was the job she chose to be: a medic for a merc group. 

Soap often liked to joke about that normalcy that clung onto you. 

“Bet when you’re on leave you work a 9 to 5 and sleep right at 8. I’m right, aren’t I?”

You snorted. “No, I’d sleep at 9.” 

“Ohhhhh, daring! Don’t be too crazy! Ya might just lose a leg!” 

Even Ghost would sometimes jump in, adding his own joke occasionally. 

“Should I get you a planner for your birthday? A nice, minimalist one with neutral stickers to match.”

You’d scoff and jab back, whether it be at Ghost’s mask or Soap’s current and past hair-styles.

But they never gave you a tough time about it—they were glad that one of them was able to blend back to civvy life with ease. 

Price even said it was his favorite trait—”sometimes, you need the practicality and mindset of a normal lady to get shit done.”

“Thanks?” 

The guys all had a similar image of what your childhood was like: middle-class, parents all stiff-like and old-timey, your favorite hobbies probably were things like football or reading, things like that. 

However, that image shattered during a post-mission intermission. 

Things went wrong, completely askew—the enemies were clearly prepared for the attack, because landmines were everywhere and the area was crawling with hostiles.

It was a resounding loss—many casualties, wounded, etc. 

You could hardly keep up, trying to patch up as many as possible, even when the sky rained of bullets and the air tasted thickly of gunpowder and death. It was like a place between purgatory and hell, a constant flow of shouts, screams, explosions.

It was too late for you to noticed a bullet grazed your arm; it was deep enough to be visible, but luckily it wasn’t aimed low enough for it to shoot into your arm. 

You had ignored the wound—in your mind, it only made sense to focus on the soldiers who were fighting for their lives and riddled with bullet wounds. 

So you just did that: focus on them. 

But, due to the constant movement and strain, the graze only worsened, almost tearing. The adrenaline numbed the pain, but you knew it was gonna hurt like a bitch soon enough. 

Luckily though, Ghost shouted in your ear through the comms. 

“Bravo-1, retreat!—fuckin’ hell—everyone, retreat!”  

You did just that—retreat. 

Huffing and puffing, you were quick to run to the distant chopper you recognized as the 141′s. A haze of sand was the only saving grace as it covered you from the enemies direct line of sight.

Soap pulled you into the helicopter with a quick grab of your wrist, completely unaware of the graze that arm sustained. You let out a sharp hiss of pain, feeling the skin tear just a little more. 

The entrance of the helicopter shut, and with both of you heaving, the plane finally shot back into the air, rocking back and forth the slightest bit. The sound of bullets slowly melted away into harsh whirring and mechanical buzz. 

You took a moment to collect yourself, inhaling sharply before you got up, arm still bleeding. 

But, strangely, you felt it drip along your arm and into your hand, running along your finger—ah, it should’ve been obvious, the sleeve of your wounded arm had completely torn. 

You lifted the arm, examining the wound. 

Scars of varying sizes, textures, and freshness—some having strange bubbly dots, others consisting of messy lines. Some of the fresher scars had torn a little, causing thin lines or red to rise. 

Your blood ran cold. You glance up, hoping—praying—that Soap didn’t see, or even understand the implications. 

But you could see he was staring, the cogs in his mind slowly snapping together. 

You put your arm away to your side, hiding it from his view. 

“Lass—“

“I need a medkit. We have one on the plane?” 

You loathed the look of sadness, of pity that shone in his eyes, pulled at the muscles of his face. 

Don’t. Stop.

I’m not weak. Don’t—I’m not weak! 

A chorus of words, feelings, of palpable dark was what filled your mind now. Insecurity, self-hatred, all of it—you’d been working on it, trying to regulate, to reason with the miasma that had taken ahold of your consciousness.

But, fuck, you’ve revealed it to Soap of all people—he felt bad, didn’t he? Disgusted? Worried? He was gonna tell Price, wasn’t he? That your unfit for the 141, that—

A hand rested on the top of your shoulder.

“Can I patch you up?” Soap asked softly. 

You grit your teeth. Moving away from his hand, you shook your head, glaring at the floor. A small splatter of blood was there. “I can fix it myself.” 

You expected—wanted—him to berate you. 

But he didn’t. He was kind. 

“Sure, kid. I’ll just get ya the med kit—stay put.” 

Another wave of shame rocked you. You sat on one of the small seats connected to the walls of the heli, rubbing away the small bits of dried blood. 

Consumed by your thoughts, you didn’t hear Soap murmuring to Ghost. 

“The kid—she, ah...” He ran a finger along his wrist. “Catch my drift?” 

“Cutting herself?” Ghost said bluntly. 

“Sometimes I wish you had a little more tact, L.T.” 

Ghost ignored him. “They fresh or old?”

“Both,” he sighed, grabbing a med kit from one of the plane’s various compartments. “What’re we supposed to do? Don’t wanna scare off the kid, but don’t wanna leave her on her own devices hacking away at ‘erself!” 

Ghost grabbed the kit from his hands. “I’ll handle this. You sit down—go near the Captain. Try to leave us some privacy.” 

Hesitantly, Soap nodded. “Work your magic, sir.” 

Ghost made his way to the other end of the helicopter where you were. You were hunched over your wound, a deep frown on your face. It’s uncharacteristic, but he knew it was a part of yourself you’d prefer to be shrouded in dark. Suffering wasn’t a nice look, was it?

But it was human. Denying your own right to feel it—it made Ghost frown too.

He sat beside you, kit in his hand. You had finally looked up then, alarmed. 

“Gimme your arm, kid.” 

You opened your mouth.

“Not leavin’ till I patch your arm up, so don’t even try.” 

Shamefully, you lifted your arm slowly. 

He took it with gentle but firm hands, a thumb running along a faint scar. 

Ghost opened the kit haphazardly with another hand. 

“When I was your age—maybe a little younger—couldn’t find much meaning in everything.”

He lifted his hand from your arm and grabbed alcohol and a small cotton rag. Dampening the rag with alcohol, he drew it to your arm, rubbing away the excess blood and cleaning the wounds. You didn’t make any noise, only breathing raggedly. 

“The suffering was pointless, in my eyes; thought, ‘this isn’t bloody fair’. Born in a shitty house with a shitter father, food hardly ever on the table, my mind deteriorating, and the world cast in deep gray.”

You nodded. 

Ghost grabbed a bandage gauze, unravelling it and wrapping it gently around the graze and the scars. It was calming, watching him work away, even if the wrapping was a little clumsy. 

“The harsh reality came a little while later, and it’s that people like me—us—we gotta work hard for shit to change. That this weight forced upon us, it’s only we that can shed it off. It’s still not fair—frankly, suicide is easier. Thought of doing it for the longest time... But...” 

He shook his head. “In my eyes, it’s a coward’s way out. We should never die by our own hands—there’s always something to live for.”

“What are you living for?” 

“Mmmm.... For tomorrow’s pint.” 

You laughed. 

He grabbed a safety pin and pinned the end of the gauze. “...now, I know it’s ‘silly’ to say, but you know we’re here for you?—the 141′s got your back, kid—how about this, let’s make a deal.”

“Yeah?” 

“You ever have the urge to cut yer arm, you come straight to me, or the others. They’ll listen. They care.”

They care.  

It’s weird, but hearing the words said out loud, it hit you. 

They really care. 

You took in a shaky breath. “Thank... you.” 

“It’s no problem at all, kid. Stay strong.”

AO3

Masterlist

Requests are open

[identityarchitect]

because im a nosy bitch who has distaste for current plural culture I'd love to hear your thoughts on current plural culture

(for me. the amount of information thats acceptable and expected to be shared will be the DEATH of my sanity)

Oh, jesus, where do I even begin. This got unexpectedly long so I'm going to put it under a cut.

Like you said, the amount of information shared is scary. Both because there are like 13yo recently discovered plurals who get this idea that it's a good or necessary thing to share as much information as possible about ones system, and nobody ever uses the privacy features on PK. It's one thing to keep track of info about headmates and another thing entirely to be posting a whole list of front triggers in a headmate-intros discord channel.

Speaking of headmate intros, I kind of have a love/hate relationship with the complicated description templates. On the one hand, I do like it when stuff is pretty. But on the other hand, there's a lot of kind of casual ableism/sanism in the plural community, as much as we'd want to pride ourselves on being relatively free of it. Fancy description templates, typing quirks, special characters in headmate displaynames, are all inaccessible to people using screenreaders or anyone with issues reading. And I try to be understanding to people with typing quirks because we have a few headmates with interesting ways of communicating and I get it, but like, you've really gotta provide a translation.

There's also just the way people interact with each other? Consistently using tons of tone tags, not asking about you& preferences (which tbf, in an ideal world preferences on you& are part of a generic introduction like preferences on headmates/alters/sysmates/parts and system/plural/etc). Trying to tag for every single possible trigger.

A lot of very large plural spaces (and frankly any large space that tries to account for triggers) end up with this issue where at some point, the trigger list is just too long. People aren't going to remember it, so anyone who is anxious about censoring correctly (which is everyone, because current plural culture has this way of making anxiety significantly worse) is going to be double-checking the list every five seconds, or just decide participating in conversation outside of more lax areas, like tw- channels, isn't worth it.

So they have to make a choice between cutting down the existing list, examining things and deciding if they're a common enough trigger (or bad enough, or if the user is in the server enough, or whatever the metric is) to remain on the list: or, they simply continue expanding the list and try to make it easier for people to censor or reference the list. But if they cut down on the list you inevitably have people who are like "wait, why is fires on there but not birthday parties? there's only one person in the server who's triggered by fires but five who are triggered by birthday parties", or "why did [obscure, situation-specific trigger] get removed? isn't it just as serious?" and etc.

And then there's moderation teams, which are... ok, let me make a venn diagram.

(No shade to teenagers. There are probably good teenage mods out there. I just haven't met them.)

Speaking from personal experience here, a lot of plural discord moderation relies on the current plural culture, which skews itself towards being extremely polite and nice and understanding so as to avoid unintentionally upsetting other people. (This is another one of the ways in which plural culture can and often does end up exacerbating anxiety & anxiety-adjacent behaviours/disorders like OCD.) So you have this discord server that doesn't really need moderation aside from admin stuff like adding channels or bots and pinning messages that regular users don't have the permissions to do. Then some person comes in and they're regularly talking about triggers out of the blue, acting aggressive towards other users, and because everyone wants to be polite and accepting, this user doesn't get dealt with for a very long time, especially because the mods just have no idea how to actually moderate. They don't have the confidence to make verdicts and use the power they have, and kick/ban users when necessary.

In essence, current plural culture wants to treat and trust every stranger like a close friend. You can run a discord server with little to no rules and give everyone admin permissions and whatever the hell: it's just got to be a closed friend discord server full of people that you know well enough to trust. And not only does this make plural spaces vulnerable to bad actors, it also makes them very uncomfortable to be in, as an aplatonic person who really doesn't want randos on the internet acting like we're childhood besties.

In that same vein, is it just me or does everyone and their mother seem to want a partner system? It's been actual years atp since I've been in a plural server that's actually active but there's this weird romantic overtone where any other system could be a potential partner system if you become emotionally close enough to them. Then if you're aro, or romance repulsed, or just not looking to date, or in a relationship already and not poly (which also, I get that dating as a system is a vastly different experience from dating as a singlet, but not everyone is poly), it feels like they just switch to a QPR instead of a romantic relationship? IDK, maybe that's me projecting since I'm QPR-repulsed. But it feels like the primary assumption for 'emotionally close' is 'romance or QPR' in plural spaces, in a way that feels different from regular amatonormativity. IDK it probably is just regular amatonormativity. But you'd think plurals would have deconstructed it even a little bit, right, since dating as a plural is such a vastly different experience. Whatever.

And canonmates. God. Ugh. Ughghhghj,. Look I get the inherent loneliness that comes with being an introject that has strong exomemories, but the resolution to this is not "try and start a relationship with a stranger who you only share one quality with (i.e remembering the same things from source)". Dear god. I have a not very good relationship with canonmates, since an ex of ours would in essence use them against us, but like. Augh.

And spiritual systems. The other day I saw a post on the plural subreddit that was like "Does anyone else live a double life?" and it was this introject describing the disparity between their IRL life and their in-headspace life. But they didn't clarify that it was in headspace and not like, an alternate world or something, so there was a comment being like "Uh, this is a dangerous lack of source separation." FUCKING source separation. I always get so mad at source separation.

I hate to label ourselves but our experiences most closely align with the general idea behind spiritual systems (this is as close as we will get to a concrete label). And it really seems to me that people will bring up spiritual systems as a gotcha against sysmeds and anti-endos, since the DSM technically validates spiritual systems by explicitly excluding them from the diagnostic criteria, and then turn around and act like spiritual systems either don't exist, or are delusional. (This is what I was thinking about earlier when I said the plural community has something of a sanism problem.)

Everyone assumes that in order for an introject to be healthy, they must have a degree of source separation, must be able to go "Yes, I know I am not my source, I recognise I will never be my source, etc". And if an introject can't, it's inherently dangerous and bad for them and the system must (even potentially against the introjects' will) make efforts to separate them from their source.

But even aside from all the sanist implications there, this completely falls apart when you think about spiritual systems. What about gateway systems, who do have headmates come from outside of the body? What about soulbonds, who are that character in their own universe? What about systems who don't want to prove that they're spiritual enough to be exempt from this 'if you think of yourself as your source in any way you are delusional and must be treated' BS?

Our V1 is literally V1 the robot from Ultrakill. This has never caused issues for it, or for us. I don't predict that it's going to.

Like, wasn't the general narrative around introjects "they have differing amounts of separation, differing opinions, and differing connections to their source. above all else, you should treat introjects like people, and ask them if you have questions about how they want to be treated!"? For ages it feels like that was the narrative, and now it's "introjects should be separated from their source, although they're allowed to have whatever opinion on it. in order to treat an introject like a person, you must acknowledge they're not literally a fictional character every fucking pictosecond".

There is definitely a lot more that I probably have to say on the topic but that's all I can think of right now.

Oh wait ok hold on I'm back because I remembered roles and origins and got mad again. Origins my most beloathed.

I could talk about the traumagenic/endogenic binary and how it's complete BS and even when we could be considered traumagenic we still had headmates that weren't traumagenic in origin, and how endogenic systems of all kinds can and often do have trauma that does and doesn't impact their system functioning, and trauma impacts systems in so many more ways than just if Sonic the Hedgehog showed up because you were being abused or just for the sake of being there, and 90% of the apparently well-meaning endo-ok sysmeds that talk about the necessecity of separate traumagenic and endogenic spaces are actually talking about disordered and nondisordered systems and EVEN THEN it's STILL a fake binary, but people more eloquent than me have probably gone over that.

I hate the assumption that every system has origins. We don't, and we're never going to. Even with the general idea being "nobody needs to tell you their origins and if you pressure them you're a dick" there's this expectation of knowing or labelling your origins. If you know your origins, you should be able to label them. If you don't know your origins, there are labels for that. What if someone doesn't give a shit? And again, what about spiritual systems, who don't have origins for other reasons?

Ok, I also just went and found some DMs with a friend so here's me quoting myself:

"it feels to us like the plural community doesnt strictly expect or want noncomplex plurality or a noncomplex relationship to ones plurality, but that these are sort of entry requirements to plural discord servers and other similar spaces"

"it feels like theres a collection of behaviours that you havr to perform like being in plural discord servers has always felt close to masking for us"

AGH AND PROBLEMATIC INTROJECTS. FUCK I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

Roles are kind of similar to origins, imo, where it's this very simplistic and false structure and there's a pressure to box oneself and ones headmates into it. Like even when people acknowledge roleless systems, it feels like that's all they acknowledge, y'know? Like in their head there's systems where every headmate has a specific purpose and performs it to a T, and there's systems where this isn't the case. When it's so much more complex than that. For example: us! We're primarily roleless, and the things each headmate does is more like a volunteer job than a role, y'know. Except for this one headmate who found a role on Pluralpedia and went "that's me" and now it has a role.

It also feels like there's a specific set of roles each system should have, right? Like there's this idea that even if a system doesn't label or have roles, they still have the protective headmate who gets righteously angry on others' behalf, and the stressed and overworked caretaker, and the littles who use uwu-speak, and the serious and scary gatekeeper, and it's the nuclear family isn't it. They've recreated the nuclear family. One father and one mother and two and a half kids and the 'friendly' neighbourhood cop. Jesus. (The host can be the grandparents.)

And more than that there's... okay, right, how do I word this one.

Let's think about layers. Layers are distinct areas in headspace where different groups of headmates tend to reside. Beyond the base assumption that everyone has a consistent, laid-out, easily accessible headspace, there's this weird overtone that a system without layers is like, a system without layers yet, right? Like the two types of system are "systems that have layers" and "systems that don't have layers, but could" and there's no space for "systems that can't have layers". I think that's kind of what I'm getting at with the origins and roles bit, right? People nominally accept systems that don't have origins or roles, but there's this sense that what they're actually accepting is "systems that have origins" and "systems that have origins, just not public ones" or "systems that have roles" and "systems that have roles, and just don't label them".

This ties into the spiritual system bit, I think. It's not "psychological systems" and "spiritual systems" (which is still a false binary), it's "psychological systems" and "systems that believe they're spiritual systems" or "psychological systems whose spiritual beliefs impact their systemhood". Even when mentioning and talking about gateway systems and soulbonders people don't seem to be able to take those people at face value, regardless of their own personal beliefs on the matter. Maybe we're just hanging out in the wrong places.

The true originless roleless headspaceless spiritual system (i.e, US AGAIN) is a nonentity. There is no space for us to exist in the plural community because the predominant plural culture simply cannot comprehend that we exist.

Problematic introjects ... Like, how can you insist introjects must be treated like people, and must feel and consider themselves to be a distinct, separate entity from their source, and then also call them problematic? I hate the word problematic anyway but even moreso when the label is applied to every introject of whichever fucking minecraft youtuber turned out to be an abuser this time. Can't we just leave introjects alone? Fucking hell.

Anyway yeah. It sucks here.

[cosmoknightchaos]

hi for the ask game,,, can I learn a bit more about Kat,,, specifically with 🧐 and 🍝 (yes I know the obvious answer for the latter but like. does she like any other foods)

This one has been sitting in my drafts for a while. I finished it, saved it before adding tags, and then completely forgot about it lmaooo

🧐- Is your OC more logical or emotional?

Ough. That's a tough one. I'd say overall, Kat is more logical. She's been on the run for long enough that she knows what to do to survive, and she HAS to do that. If she slips up, even once, and word gets out she's a shapeshifter, that's a death sentence. She has to constantly balance staying completely inconspicuous with getting enough nutrients to keep herself in human form- basically, balance being a normal human with having to kill people to live. And because of that, she is very logical.

However, that's offset by the fact that if Kat ever gets in an emotional state, it's awful. Every now and then the stress just punches her in the face and she has a complete breakdown. These are few and far in between (though become more common during her time with Paisley&Crew, since they help her learn to manage her emotions better), but are often so bad she'll be in this mood for hours, even days. And, since at some point, she always has to go back to trying to survive- the more logical thought process- Kat never gets the time or ability to really recover from those breakdowns, which means the stress keeps building more and more until the next. Rinse and repeat.

🍝- What is/are your OC's favourite food(s)?

Haha. Well

Besides the obvious answer (To be fair she does that mostly to survive, she doesn't enjoy it much), Kat... doesn't actually eat that much. There are very few foods she can eat that won't mess up her body composition and appearance, and it's hard enough to stay as a human without other foods messing that up. So that immediately rules out a lot of fruits, veggies, meats, dairies- basically anything that is naturally grown or animal product will mess up her composition.

However, that doesn't mean she can't eat anything else! A lot of processed foods, which have had nutrients taken out/altered, won't affect her enough for it to be an issue! My current scale for how much food affects her depends on how close that food is to it's natural state- so an apple freshly picked from the tree will fuck her up, apple pie or applesauce won't affect her as much. So thank goodness Kat lives in America, land of the overly processed foods!

Rest of the answer below the cut, since this is getting long and I'll be talking about Kat's actual eating habits (TW: cannibalism)

Which. To be fair overly processed food fucking sucks and if I had to rely on McDonald's burgers to live I would also resort to cannibalism

The issue with Kat is that she's stuck between eating highly-processed garbage food, which sucks but at least it won't mess up her composition, and eating human flesh, which tastes delicious but also requires illegalities to acquire. Remember kids: cannibalism isn't illegal, it's how you procure the meat that is.

I really do think that, despite how much she hates it, Kat will always prefer the flesh, organs, bones, and/or other vitals of whatever species she's disguised as over any "normal" food she can eat. Because bodies are filled with a bunch of tasty nutrients that her body needs in order to keep a consistent form, and processed foods don't have those! Where else is she gonna find food that tastes good?

I think it's best described as that feeling you have when you're craving awful food. Like it's late at night and a shitty hotdog or fast food burger sounds fantastic and you buy one and it is the best thing you've ever eaten. That's how Kat feels about cannibalism. Under normal circumstances (her body at a standard composition with enough nutrients to maintain that form), she's disgusted with the idea of eating human meat and will go out of her way to avoid it. But when she's hungry (low on nutrients and struggling to keep a consistent form), human flesh is absolutely fucking delicious.

I mean, she probably thinks human meat is delicious either way. It's just a matter of moralities, and whether or not she needs it to survive in the moment.

But, to finally answer your question: Kat is a very big fan of sushi! Raw fish fucks her up extremely bad, but she doesn't care. As long as she eats it in moderation and not very often, she can recover quick enough. She also has a very big sweet tooth, especially for cake-like substances like muffins (<-Which can often come ultra-processed, so she can eat them with minimal problems), brownies, and cakes.

[peridottea91]

I'm tagging a tw for my response as a victim, but I wanted to add in my 2 cents to this. I'll also be focusing specifically on the presidence dehumanizing sets for victims. Long response incoming...

I was molested by my dad sometime between the ages of 4-6. I don't remember precisely when or how many times it happened but I remember every detail of the room and specific details about him that I won't be mentioning here. Based on what relatives who were close to me at that age have said about how I would react around him and other bits of my early childhood, it's been established that it happened several times. But I'm 33yrs old and I still remember details from the abuse itself, and probably always will.

For years, especially in middle school when I was able to comprehend what happened more, it was so easy to dehumanize him. It almost made it more bearable in a sense, to dehumanize him and others like him, to want them all dead. But I was doing myself and other victims an injustice by doing this. While it is a trauma response, it's also a dangerous precedent to set, as stated in the comments/replies before mine.

It wasn't until my mid/late-20s that I started to unpack that viewpoint while undergoing therapy for the emotional and physical abuse and neglect I suffered from my mom (trust me this is an important point). It's easier to paint abusers and pedophiles as inhuman monsters rather than accept that it was another human being. It's a way of avoiding and protecting oneself from the trauma but then allows it to fester by not fully addressing the situation.

It is extremely important to remember that people like this are human, that abusers and pedophiles are damaged humans who have the capacity of doing both good deeds and horrible evils. Because the second you don't recognize this dichotomy that exists in all humans, you paint the world in a twisted moral viewpoint of black and white that completely erases the experiences of victims. We've literally seen this with the issue of priests molesting altar boys, as mentioned in a prior comment in the thread. Hell, I've experienced this firsthand with my own relatives when trying to speak out about my mom physically and emotionally abusing me and no one believing me because "she's done so much to help people" or "she prayed for you for so long, it took her so long to get pregnant with you". I've also seen it with my dad's family - I was disowned and accused of lying by my immediate relatives. The ones who accepted that it happened blamed my mom for not making herself more available sexually to my dad.

Only 2 relatives (and eventually their kids as they got old enough to understand what happened) believed me. I have not talked to any of my dad's relatives aside from them since I was 8.

I have wonderful memories of Christmas with both my parents, of dad sledding with me. I have memories of him taking me to 7-11 for blue raspberry or Coca-Cola flavored slurpees, of breakfasts together at McDonald's and my exact order every time, of us listening to Pearl Jam and Nirvana and Aerosmith in his truck. But I also remember being molested and my dad being kicked out of the house before getting arrested, when he didn't look at me as he slammed the front door in our old house. I recognize that my dad is a fucked up individual, who is dangerous to children and who was potentially molested himself, and honestly I just pity his fucked up existence.

I'm sad about the person he is and about that tainted chunk of my childhood and about everything I suffered because of it. But recognizing that he is human and was capable of both good and bad has helped me come to terms with everything that happened and to move on with my life. I'm still in the process of doing this with the abuse I suffered from my mom but eventually, I will be able to move on from that too.

TL;DR - Dehumanizing pedophiles does a disservice to the victims, has consistently caused problems with victims being believed, and sets a dangerous precedent amongst victims by not fully addressing the trauma

re: that last post, ive said it before and ill say it again: no one deserves to die (deserving is fake and death is bad) but some people need to be stopped and choose to make death the only way to stop them

[forestwater87]

OK. So idk if something is wrong with me, I'm naive or just missing something but I really really don't understand how these girls are Victims? I'm not saying they aren't, I just don't understand. As far as I can tell they all consented, and were never pressured or coerced into doing anything. I'm not trying to troll or be contrary or judgmental I'm just struggling to understand. Sorry, you seem to be quite well thought about this whole mess. I hope this ask is okay and doesn't cause any offence, it genuinely is not my intention.

I understand why you feel that way. I wasn’t comfortable calling them victims early in this whole situation (which has only been about a week long, Jesus), and it wasn’t really until I started to put all of them together that patterns began to emerge and I could really understand the scope of what Ryan did. I’ll lay out my thoughts here, referring to the individuals by their first initial following the example set by r/RyanHaywood, and hopefully we’ll be able to piece together why so many of us are willing to call these women victims.

(To be clear: I’m not trying to call anyone a victim who does not consent to that term. I don’t believe any of these fans have come forward expressing that they don’t want to be considered victims, but if that’s the case then I have no interest in forcing that label on anyone. I’m using it as a descriptive term, not a prescriptive one, if that makes sense.)

First off, we’ll start with the easiest stuff to agree with:

1. At least one of them was a victim of statutory rape, and potentially just plain rape. I’m not sure what the laws on removing a condom during sex without consent are, but M’s story makes it clear that he did not do due diligence in making sure she was of legal age -- the same can be argued for T, though her lying to him about her age makes that a tougher putt for some people; I’m pretty sure legally speaking he’s still in the hole -- so he just straight-up had sex with a minor. Technically with two minors. 

So that one’s pretty easy. However, there have been something like 9 people have come forward and only 2 of them were minors. Certainly not a winning record -- to be abundantly clear, the number of minors you should be having sex with is 0; if it’s possible to have sex with negative numbers of minors, that should be the baseline for everyone -- but one of them lied about her age and the other one seemed really enthusiastic, and what about those other women? They were adults and they consented, so they shouldn’t be considered victims, right?

Well, that’s where it gets a bit trickier. I’ll put this all under a cut for length, but while the following isn’t illegal, it’s definitely immoral, and part of what led to me being more comfortable calling these women victims:

2. They were victims due to his celebrity status. Your mileage is definitely going to vary on this one, but the fact that Ryan is a popular internet personality means that his fans are more likely to be starstruck, intimidated, flattered, or otherwise willing to do things to make him happy that they otherwise wouldn’t do. T, M, and L have all said that they were influenced by their admiration of him as a fan to do things they wish they hadn’t, and there are definitely ways that influencers or celebrities can ethically date fans (Caiti Ward was a huge RT fan before she and Jack married, and by all appearances they’re the most wholesome couple in the entire world), but encouraging them to send you naked pictures in exchange for positive validation from someone you idolize definitely seems like a bad use of celebrity status. L indicates that Ryan claims he didn’t realize the impact his status had on fans, but considering he was seemingly exclusively choosing sex partners from within the fanbase -- as opposed to, say, Tinder or something -- he must’ve on some level gathered that fans were easier to convince to do what he wanted.

3. They were victims of dishonest behavior. All of the women who’ve spoken up so far have said that they believed they were the only one Ryan was having an extramarital sexual relationship with, which indicates at best that he was extremely vague on establishing the parameters of their relationship and arguably suggests he was misleading them. This put them at risk for STDs (especially considering his apparent comfort with unprotected sex) as well as just general emotional harm. He lied about them as well, indicating to anyone who found out -- from his mods in 2017 to his statement a few days ago -- that any relationship was an isolated mistake.

It’s also unclear how honest he was about his marriage; all of the women who discussed this aspect have said that he told them a similar story, and at least M was led to believe that she was actually helping his marriage by satisfying his sexual needs so he wouldn’t have to leave his wife. It’s naïve and perhaps delusional to an outsider, but that and a lot of other stuff seems to be explained by . . .

4. They were victims of emotional manipulation. What’s really telling about lining all of these accounts up is the pattern that emerges: Ryan began with friendly conversation, often dispensing advice on personal and mental health issues (virtually all of the women who’ve come forward have expressed that they have some sort of mental illness), before testing the waters with a sexual comment that could be read as a joke or escalated further depending on the response of the fan, then alternating between showering them with compliments and attention and ignoring them for days or weeks on end. In at least one account he appears to have lied about a fan behind her back, which intentionally or not resulted in her losing most of her friends and being bullied on his own server, which he dismissed (again, behind her back) while treating her sympathetically to her face. That particular sexual relationship didn’t begin until after all of the above, and it’s not much of a stretch to note that he found a fan, isolated her, and then escalated the relationship into a sexual one.

And again, it comes down to spotting a pattern. Even if you don’t feel like a particular woman here is a victim, it’s important to take a look at all of their commonalities:

They were huge fans of Ryan, and followed him on at least one form of social media. Words like “idolized” and “loved” are used a lot in these testimonies.

They struggled with mental illness or personal issues (including bullying, depression, insecurity, marriage problems, etc.) that Ryan was informed about and seemingly supportive of.

They were younger than him by at least 8-9 years.

Their conversations gradually become more and more sexual. Sometimes this was initiated by Ryan, sometimes by the fan; if the sexual comments were rebuffed, they were immediately dismissed as jokes.

Nudes were sent and received, and they all stress how desired and valued Ryan made them feel.

If they were told about his marriage, it was a story that made him look highly sympathetic, and made cheating seem like less of a big deal or even the lesser of two evils.

He would push for in-person meetups, even offering to pay for the flight and hotel (using money he received from stream donations, which he claimed were being sent to his children's’ college funds).

He appears to have been uneven with his attention; multiple fans mentioned that he would “get bored” of them and not reply for days or even weeks at a time, and M mentions that he’d continue to “check in” even after their sexual relationship had ended. (Putting these together creates an image of a constantly-rotating list of potential partners that he’d cycle through, but admittedly this is just speculation.) One of the fans -- not sure which, but I linked them all so go hunting if you feel like it -- mentioned that he seemed bored or dismissive of non-sex talk after their relationship got sexual, essentially rescinding the very thing that made them want to talk to him in the first place.

So here we have a pattern of Ryan seeking out fans, especially those who were young and had personal issues making them vulnerable, drew them in with charm and friendly advice, then escalated the conversations to a graphic sexual nature, attempted to hook up with them, and made them feel special and unique (when that clearly was not the case). There are justifications for all of these on their own -- he’s not obligated to tell every sexual partner about all the others, some of the fans were the ones who took it further, etc. -- but when you put them all together, it’s pretty damning. This isn’t the behavior of someone who made a few mistakes with equally-consenting adults, but someone who had his strategy down to a science. 

To finally sum this up, anon: you don’t have to feel like any of these individual women were victims (well, except M; I don’t think there’s any other way to read that horrible story), but taken together I hope you can see Ryan’s predatory behavior. At the very least, I hope we can agree that they were all victims of lies and emotional manipulation.

Maybe it was unintentional . . . but with such consistent accounts, I find it hard to believe.

[serialreblogger]

i don't want medication to make me less loud and annoying i want medication so i can get work done without an anxiety disorder and make breakfast before 12:30

[grievedeeply]

Thor and kratos headcanons for reader comforting them after a bad day (kratos after a nightmare and Thor whilst drinking?)

my boys <3 thanks for the request and i hope you enjoy!! also, if your name is crossed out in my tags section it means i can't tag you for some reason. sorry about that :(

gn!reader | tws: drinking, alcohol, nightmares and general angst. but comfort :") | join my taglist!!

thor and kratos' s/o comforts them after a bad day headcanons

thor

he finds himself falling back into his drinking habits after a particularly hard day he spent around his father

he gets tired of being constantly belittled, and alcohol makes his mind quiet for awhile. it's why he finds so much comfort in it

you find him in the bar, where you expected him to be when he wasn't at home. you can tell whenever his day has gone poorly

his eyes are droopy.. sad, even though in his drunken state he can barely remember what was said to him that hurt him so badly

you'll have him leave, returning to your home with his arm wrapped around your shoulders. he's much bigger than you, and it takes some time to get back, but you're determined

he deserves better. you know that. you kick open the door with your foot and lay him down on the couch, taking a seat next to him on the floor

"what's wrong, dear?" would be the first words to leave your lips

thor nearly cries at the sound of your voice. so comforting and warm. he shrugs his shoulders, but you can read him like an open book

you'll tell him he doesn't have to talk about it— the drinking or whatever led up to it— and he'll take your hand in his massive one, kissing your knuckles

he's grateful you understand he doesn't want to speak about it right away, but when he does he pours his heart out to you. he feels used. he doesn't know how to get out of it

you're not in his position, so you can't give him any advice other than to follow his heart. though, you insist that you're always going to be by his side to support him through anything

he feels like he doesn't deserve you or your comfort, but he has it. his heart swells at your grin, and he smiles back. a real one— and it's beautiful

kratos

kratos often dreams of the past. he dreams of his daughter, his previous life in greece.. and mostly, he dreams of faye

you'd never once felt unloved because of his previous marriages. you knew that he cared deeply for you, and the fact that he dreamt about his loved ones was always something you never minded

though, sometimes he has nightmares. they always consist of things that actually happened in his life, and he wakes up in a cold sweat, hoping that he didn't wake you. he almost always does, but you don't care

as your relationship progresses, you begin to comfort him through those nights where his nightmares are particularly bad

he pictures the death of calliope.. though.. most of his nightmares consist of a future without you in it

he dreams of you dying. sometimes, in gruesome, brutal ways. others, in your sleep or from an illness. no matter what, he'll wake up in tears. he'll turn to you, his eyes focused on your form to see you breathing

he'll let out a sigh of relief when he sees you inhale, but he doesn't go back to sleep out of fear of experiencing it again

you'd ask him what keeps him up and at first he refuses to tell you. as time goes on, he opens up and admits that they're nightmares of you dying

ever since he told you that, you'd be there to comfort him whenever he needed it. sometimes he wouldn't want you to, and tell you to go back to sleep, saying that seeing you alive was all he needed to relax

on other nights, you'd sit by his side, your hand in his. your thumb would rub against the back of his hand.. and he'd just listen to your breathing for a few moments to calm down

he doesn't even need to hear your voice. your presence alone is comfort enough

you'll reassure him that you don't intend to go anywhere anytime soon, and that you'll be around for much longer

he knows anything can happen, and that you could be ripped away from him at any moment.. but he remains silent, and just nods

he tells you he loves you, and you say it back. you'll kiss his forehead, laying back down on your shared bed

your arms would be extended out to him... your hands gesturing for him to lay with you. after a sigh, he'll give in to your wishes, and rest his head on your chest

the beating of your heart lulls him back to sleep.. and the nightmares don't return with you protecting him <3

tags: @graciegizmo3184 @anzanishira @uncoveredsun @caelestis-lyrae @prio-motu @bluehorizon987 @freyrees @ieatmarbles @rohansregret @konigd1cks0ck @smilesdarling @multifand0m-gal0re @huan-chan @rustypotatospork @onlydeas @luna-charlie @orangeflavouredwitch @hayleethefrog @imcomingforyourskin @itsnat-bitch @mimothemoth @elizabeth-hatake @ink-sap @spacexplosion @fandomcatchall @ss-kimo @sinfulmatt @lacm-ac @iinterdimensionals @thatspookyagent @kiss-kae @twiistedspades @closet-creature @shawtylikamelody @judyfromfinance @hobistangerine @aikochan4859 @whywouldiknowstuff @xoxoliyahhxoxo @lil-anxty @black-star1472 @trippingoverstars @aiciteaa @piscesroses

[archivalofsins]

Usually I'd apologize for my angry outburst but-

(TL;DR- I will clarify my question about Kotoko fans was in fact hyperbole and not an actual observation or point against anyone who happens to like her as a character.)

(TW: For mentions of death and assault. And other very personal matters.)

I've been vagued about/harrassed by enough people in this fandom that at this point I don't even feel like trying to endear myself to anyone anymore. Because it is simply a waste of time, effort, and energy. The treatment I've been met with by individuals within this community has actually been horrendous and very emotionally hamrful. To the extent that I consistently debate just deleting all my blogs and not involving myself with any communities ever again which I'm certain many people would enjoy.

I'm not even exagerating. This happens so often I don't even go in the tag anymore because of it. However, this was expressly brought to my attention in private. It's incredibly humurous how people know this sort of behavior and treatment is wrong when Futa does it but they do it on the regular basis to others anyhow.

So, if people are expecting some prostrating apology from me it's not coming. The only thing I will do is clarify that my question about Kotoko fans was in fact hyperbole due to annoyance at the situation not an actual observation or point against anyone who happens to like her as a character.

In short being vagued about so consistently is disheartening. Especially when the only thing I'm doing is engaging with a piece of media in a way I personally find enjoyable. I don't go vaguing about others and I never will. I will just straight up say what I have an issue with like here.

If someone has an issue with me or how I discuss things it's totally fine if they bring it to my attention. However, what's not fine is continuing to make this experience more anxiety inducing and emotionally straining for me. Ultimately I am a person deserving of respect and consideration regardless of how any individual may feel about my opinions.

If any Kotoko fans found the phrasing of this harmful or jarring than I apologize for that. This wasn't meant to be an overgeneralization of individuals who enjoy her as a character. However, if that was enough to hurt any feelings then I believe one can understand how it feels to have individuals always vaguing about you whenever you jump in the tag on and off anon. For anyone thinking well that's the price of fame/being popular.

Literally I don't get anything out of this. I am not paid for the theories I write, I have made some friends but not many and I've been harrassed repeatedly. I've literally been harrassed, had both my accounts shadow banned, sent unsolicited criticism, all during what has consistently been one of the worst seventeen months of my life. Where I've been threatned with homelessnes several times, harrassed by a medical porfessional, assaulted in my home, been to the hospital multiple times, and lost my only living grandfather to cancer. All while still attempting to make videos out of the theories I do have written, so I can probably get harrassed on a completely new site. Hooray.

My life is a fucking drama of disasters right now. I am trying to have fun. Literally if anyone doesn't like what I have to say just talk about it in private like someone with some inkling of maturity. I'm sick of concerning myself with everyone's feelings but my own. I can understand how I rub people the wrong way but that isn't a free pass to say fuck my feelings.

Literally if you have something to say you can just say it to my face. Or are Kotoko's fans just as violent, ideological, and spineless as the character? Seriously, I am the only one who has mentioned this connection, so I have every right to be mad about this.

But they just may leave the fandom after this one, so I guess it's cool-

Ooops my bad people probably didn't want this one pointed out huh?

[clairecrive]

“Small thing” - Alfie Solomons x reader

A/n: So, I failed to post this on saturday but here it is! Thanks again for requesting @fifty-shadesof-tommyshelby! I changed a few things however I hope you’ll like this!

Summary: Alfie can’t help but step in when he sees that the man you were talking to was about to hit you. Then, one thing leads to another and eventually it’s your shared love for animals that’s what brings you together.

Word count: 2.2K (roughly)

TW: violence on animal, abusive behavior but fluff overall

Tag list: @mollybegger-blog, @evelynshelby, @br0ck-eddie, @of-love-and-of-the-sea, @shadow-of-wonder, @fandom--0verdose, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @sopxhiea, @fuseburner, @ashesbelle (let me know if you wanna be added or removed)

(this beautiful piece of art was made by @fortunetellingnonesense. she has other amazing art so go check her out!)

“Hey, stop! What the hell are you doing?!" Your voice resounded in the streets, its echo jumping through the buildings amplified. You weren't one to shout, nor did you get into fights easily. But if there was one thing you hated, it was bullying. Especially when those pieces of shit always picked on people half their size or age. It wasn't fair and showed how insignificant they were. However true that might be, the cuts and bruises that their kicks and fists would leave on them weren't insignificant. Especially compared to a smaller body such as the one of this little kitty that piece of shit on the other side of the road had decided to kick. 

Unfortunately, it had taken the small kitten cries for you to notice what was happening. But now that you had, you couldn't turn a blind eye to it. Not even if you weren't a strong muscular person and there was no one in the streets could give you a hand. Given the hour, the street was deserted.

"This little shit has decided to pee all over my doorstep. That’ll show him." Not happy with the kick that had probably broken the kitten's ribs, the bloke spat on its trembling body and was about to keep going. 

"Don't you see that it's a little kitten? They don't even know what a doorstep is." You pointed out incredulously but wasn't it obvious? 

"You almost killed him", you added to show that it was totally unnecessary and simply a dick move. 

"I don't fucking care. He peed on my doorstep and I taught him a lesson." His voice became even harsher as he bragged what he thought was a grand gesture. But really, he only proved your point further.

"You're a piece of shit." Simply put.

"Oi, lady, I don't know who the hell you think you are but ain't no one gonna talk to me like that." You could see that he trying to make himself look bigger and threatening but you didn’t expect anything less from him and were set on not let him win.

"If only you cared about yourself just half as much as you cared for others than I wouldn't have to point out the obvious." Dismissing him, you turned towards the poor kitten that was pathetically laying on the floor. Their breath was uneven and you could tell they were having trouble doing so. 

Your words must have confused the man, who apparently wasn't accustomed to a more complex way of speaking. You hadn't apologized but he wasn't sure that you had offended him either. By your tone though, he figured out that it must have been the second. And of course, his ego was bruised. 

"Right, you sl*t, it seems that you need to be taught a lesson too." Too busy cooing over the small thing, his words didn't even register. It was probably going to be too late once they did but luckily for you, a guardian angel interceded for you. 

"It ain't very manly to hit a woman, mate, right." A loud husky voice spoke behind you and you looked up, cradling the kitten to your chest, ready to make a run for it if it came to it. A tall figure of a man leaning on his cane with a big hat that cast a shadow over his face was the newcomer. You had never seen this man before but one look at him was all it took to understand that you did not mess with him. If you didn't want to end up bloodied and broken, that is. 

The bully was about to shoot a retort but the burly man spoke again before he could, "Just like hitting small animals. What fucking beast would do that, hm." And then he spoke no more, only stared at the guy. You found amusing how big and mighty the guy was trying to be just a moment early when it had been only you, and how scared and spineless he was being now, under the stranger's unwavering stare. 

It only took a minute, maybe even less, for him to lower his head and retreat. 

"That's right, no more lesson teaching for you, bastard." You snickered, mocking him. When the man in question turned to send a death stare your way, you shivered and moved behind the stranger's back, just to be sure. 

"Keep on going, mate." The stranger said fully ridding you of that menace finally. 

"Asshole", you muttered under your breath as the man disappeared into his house. You must have been louder than you thought because that prompted the stranger to look at you. 

"What are you doing, lass, getting head to head with a guy bigger than you, eh. Got a death wish?" As you were standing close to him now, you were able to see his face clearly since he was looking down at you for the height difference. What a lovely face. A guardian angel had sent him for sure because there was no way that such a handsome and kind man would stumble into your life by coincidence.

"Look, he almost killed this kitten and was definitely going to if I hadn't stopped him." You didn’t move to put some space between you. His eyes were too mesmerizing to look anywhere but at them and the way his lips trembled before forming a small smirk, was too endearing to miss.

 The stranger’s name turned out to be Alfie, but that wasn't the only thing you ended up knowing about him. He was a fellow animal lover and the human of a sweet bullmastiff. He had a trusted vet and offered to take you to him. On the way, you got to know each other. Albeit, he did all the talking, only stopping to let you answer the many questions he asked you, it wasn't annoying as it may sound. His rumbling was… comforting, in a way. It gave your mind no room to think back about what happened or worry about what could have happened if Alfie hadn't shown up. It only allowed you to lightly caress the kitten's fur and hum now and then to what he was saying. 

———————————————————————————

And after months of knowing him, you could vouch that it was. 

He was an interesting fellow, this Alfie. Such a scaring looking guy, all burly and dishevelled. His cane angrily stomped the ground, his boisterous voice and confident stride successful kept away any wandering eye and unwanted attention despite how difficult it was to not notice them walking down the street.  Of course, since you had just met him, you couldn't know that this happened mainly because of his reputation. And you would have never guessed either because despite his rough exterior, there was an underlying tenderness in the way Alfie looked at the small thing in your arms and how quickly and unprompted he had offered to help. It was the recipe for a sweetheart, wasn't it? 

"Right, I reckon we should get him some help, don't we?" Alfie couldn’t help but find you amusing and was more than willing to spend a little more of his time with you. His day had been uneventful up until now. Besides, the small thing in your arms did need help.

After the kitten was entrusted to the vet's care and eventually saved, Alfie, moved by your love for animals, had asked you to take care of his boy, Cyril. Of course, you happily took the job. Yes, the money was good and certainly helped but you mainly agreed because of him. As naive as it sounds, Alfie had made a really good impression on you that day and always had been the portrait of the perfect gentleman around you. 

He would welcome you in and offer a cup of tea when you’d get to his home in the morning and another one when he'd come home in the afternoon before you'd leave. And whenever he needed to stay at the bakery until late at night, he'd phone and tell you either offering to have someone walk you home or when you'd refused to leave Cyril alone - that was your job after all- he had given you one of the spare rooms for you to crash in and get some sleep, always with the promise of a raise for the inconvenience. 

You were titubant at first, yes Alfie had always been nice to you but was it enough to trust him? Eventually, you caved and stayed the night. The door of your room locked and a route for a quick escape already in mind. You'd soon find out that you wouldn't need it though. Alfie had come home a little past midnight and despite the late hour, he didn't go to bed straight away. Instead, you heard some noises coming from the living room. 

Curiosity got the best of you and you ventured downstairs. You had cooked a small dinner and left some for him in the oven. Alfie however, hadn't even noticed. The concept of a cooked meal was new and far away from him, his nightly routine mainly consisted of whiskey and the papers he'd brought from the office. 

Coming home to someone was also something out of the ordinary for Alfie, so when your silhouette appeared in the doorway he thought he was hallucinating. The whiskey made him a little slow but his mind still worked quickly enough that you didn't notice his moment of disorientation. 

That night turned out to be an interesting one for both of you. Looking back to it, it was also a kind of turning point in your relationship. Whiskey proved to be something that made Alfie even more prone to speaking and since the night is young, you two talked a lot, and you inevitably ended up feeling closer to him. 

After that night, Alfie made sure to come home a bit earlier so that you could talk a bit before you had to head home. And you ended up spending more nights at Alfie's too. 

Today was one of those days when Alfie said he would come home in time for tea. So, as usual, you had got everything ready, the cookies you had just taken out of the oven were nicely arranged on a plate beside the two steaming cups of tea. 

———————————————————————————

"We are restless today, aren't we? But we just came back from our afternoon walk, so what can I do for you, eh?" You were sure you sounded utterly ridiculous, using a baby voice with him but you loved doing so whenever you talked to him. And you’d swear that he could understand you. 

"A-ha, these are not for you sweet boy," you tutted at Cyril when he tried to help himself to the food.

It felt like a crescendo, your relationship getting out of the acquaintances’ stage and entering something blurry that you still couldn't figure out. All you knew was that it was warm and it felt a lot like home.

"Alright, alright, I'll give you some cuddles." Yeah, maybe you were a little soft on him but how could anyone be anything but when he looked so cute laying on his back with his little paws in the air?  

Exactly. 

The sound of the door closing caught your attention and you got up from the ground and walked in the hallway to meet Alfie who was taking his hat off. 

"Welcome back, Alfie. How was your day?" Walking to him, you helped him take his coat off. After hanging it on the coat rack, you turn back around to listen to his answer. You expected him to have moved away instead you found your faces extremely close after you had turned around. 

A gasp left your lips when your noses brushed whereas Alfie appeared unaffected. His eyes flickered between yours, his moustache tickled your upper lip as he spoke, "it's about to get a lot better, it seems pet. What do ya think?" He whispered on your mouth, referring to your previous question. 

The kiss was slow at first, your lips were cautious of each other, tentative and shy. Then Alfie’s hand reached the back of your head and it was like a flip had been switched. Only a  brief pause to get some air, your forehead touching, before your lips reconnected. This time with far more hunger, like you had been waiting for this moment. And in fact, you had been. 

"Look who's decided to join, cheeky bastard", Alfie commented, amused at his dog who was now panting on his leg. Cyril barked as if he had understood his human and you couldn't help but laugh. This dog was something else. 

Your hands trailed on his shoulders up to his neck while the kiss grew more desperate and Alfie pushed you to the wall behind the coat hanger. His hands began wandering trailing down on your body and his mouth was about to follow when something humid and wet interrupted them. 

Your eyes bore into his then flickered to his mouth, so close to yours, before you answered him. "I wholeheartedly agree." And that was all he needed to hear before his mouth was on yours. A shot of electricity ran through you when he did.

"I'm sorry mate, but this is a dance for two," Alfie gave him a loving pat on his head, "now where were we?" he turned back to you before connecting your mouths again. 

[not-ciel]

FAQ that's actually just pre-emptive clarifications and no one actually asked me shit:

🐺 How old are you?

I'm a legal adult.

🖤 Why don't you specify?

Because no one is entitled to that information. It's rather suspicious that people want to know specifics actually. Half the time it smells like sweaty sickos chasing barely legals and I'd rather be assumed to be a 67 year old creep than give out info I'm not comfortable sharing. Even when it's not sweaty sickos prying I find it intrusive, entitled and suspicious to demand personal information from strangers. All I will say is that I'm legally an adult and that should be good enough. That statement is solely for the purpose of transparency for minors on this hellsite.

🐺 Are minors allowed to interact?

Sure. I don't mind as long as they're aware I'm an adult and they themselves are okay with that.

🖤 Why Ciel?

Because he's the only fictional character that I can truly relate to, and I find comfort in taking him as my alias; both due to privacy and familiarity. He's also entangled into part of my trauma so he's something of a comfort character/safe haven for me. I don't pay any attention to the fandom and never have, nor do I have plans to involve myself.

🐺 Do you ship—

No.

🖤 Are you an anti or an anti-anti?

I'll do you one better —I'm an anti-anti-anti, plus however many more times I need to repeat the word anti to express that I just want to be left alone. Don't draft me into wars I want nothing to do with. Keep your ships on your blog and out of mine, I don't want to hear it.

🐺 But—

No! Talking about ships and/or the discourse surrounding any of them makes me so so uncomfortable.

🖤 Why do you post about trauma alongside agere content?

Because I can. Also because this is a blog meant to help me cope, and I honestly don't think I could stand to talk about it if I didn't have nice things here, which would defeat the whole purpose of using this blog. I tag things accordingly and with quite a heavy hand to protect anyone who may stumble in here, so what's the issue? Any negative content I engage with here is also fairly tame. I would estimate that this blog is 95% agere/sfw content and 5% trauma related, the latter of which is predominantly expressed through my own text posts (which are tagged to the nines).

🐺 Is there NSFW content on this blog?

Honestly depends on what you classify as nsfw. I have religious trauma, amongst other things, which admittedly skews my perspective quite a bit and there's a lot of work to be done in terms of rewiring my brain to not find the human body inherently sexual due to religious guilt and shame. The nsfw tag consists predominantly of exposed skin and anything I read as even mildly suggestive. I don't know how to answer this, because by normal standards probably no??

🖤 Is this a DDLB/MDLG/CGL(RE) blog?

No. Also, whoever thinks CGL and CGLRE are the same is probably ableist, though likely due to being uninformed so I suggest doing some research. I'm not opposed to (sfw) CGLRE.

🐺 Why don't you list your triggers?

Because the idea of giving random strangers on the internet ammunition should they ever decide to attack me for whatever reason is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I value my well-being and want to protect myself. Furthermore, I don't personally blacklist any tags because I actually want to run the risk of exposure to content I find triggering. I tag for other people though, because what works for me doesn't work for everyone, and I understand the value of content/trigger warnings and take them seriously and do my best to tag. I'm always willing to add more tw/cw tags by request.

🖤 Why don't you have a dni?

Because I don't really pay attention to who interacts with my blog, and on the rare occasion that I do it's their life, not mine. I have enough things to worry about between my own life and the things I consider important, and adding the burden of policing who can and cannot interact with my blog is very low on my list of properties. I get why other people do it, but I don't have the time nor energy to bother. The block button is right there and I use it liberally.

🐺 But Ciel, how will people be able to tell if you're against homophobia, racism, misogyny, etc. if you don't list the ones you deem evil in a dni?

By assuming the best and going about their lives as normal. Or assuming the worst and blocking me. Really, what difference does it make? I really don't need to be worrying about how other people perceive me when I barely want to be perceived to begin with. And no amount of reassuring the masses that I am against x y or z will actually prove anything because words are empty. If this mentality makes someone uncomfortable I respect that and they can choose to not interact with me and/or block me.

🖤 But, Ciel—

No, really, the only thing people should know is that I try my best to interact with the world around me with as much compassion and understanding as possible and seek to learn more every day. My intention is to let the flowers bloom and not step on them.

🐺 What age range is your regression?

Between 5-15, give or take.

🖤 Do you have a caregiver and/or regressor siblings?

I don't have a caregiver, no. I do have a little sibling, though. Not really looking for a caregiver atm, but I'm always willing to be an older brother/babysitter for others.

// This will be edited and added to at a later date.

[helpicant-stop]

POGCHAMP

so basically the first one i'm gonna talk about is this book series called "the secret series" by pseudonymous bosch. it has a sequel series called "the bad books" too. so basically tss follows these three kids - cass, max-ernest and yo-yoji (aka if the lgbt community was condensed into 3 11-year-olds); they are part of the morally questionable terces society, a secret society made to fight the midnight sun.

TW : parental neglect , heavily implied abuse & grooming , one of the villains hypnotises one of the mcs in the first book and it's really fucking weirdchamp , death , cults , essentially child labor , there's this one scene in book 2 that you can skip but it contains two fucking adults telling a child to starve herself so hwat the fuck , and a certain derogatory term is used against short people at some point but is called out in book 5 . there is also a bunch of weird surgical shit there . these are children's books

the midnight sun is this society of fucking creeps who try to stay alive forever and thus do a bunch of horrifying shit to get to it. the main bitches are dr. L , the posterguy for manipulate mansplain malewife ; ms. mauvais , girlboss gaslight gatekeep ; and there are these twins called romi and montana that appear sporadically throughout the books and are 100% some kind of satire for the pop industry . this is a children's book series somehow

the terces society consists of pietro, an old magician ; mr wallace , a skeptic and terces society archivist who in my brain sounds like wilbur soot ; lily wei , the girlboss warrior ; owen , the spy , who is definitely genderfluid and is really good at impersonations ; and the circus . i don't have to explain them .

cass is a survivalist and is always prepared - she literally has like articles and articles on disasters memorised she is so cool . she threatens to boycott the entire chocolate industry in book 3 . her character arc is mostly based on dealing with her shitty internalised misogyny and her being kind of arrogant and rude (compare book 1 cass to book 5 cass and whoa. sis is different and not just in character growth terms like all these bitches have trauma). her "substitute grandparents" larry and wayne are so cool and funny and she's super attached to them , her mother and their old dog sebastian who is probably like some kind of alien or something . cass is a mountain lesbian and i stand by this

max-ernest is this hypochondriac kid who is constantly switching between diagnoses and conditions and is very clearly neurodivergent [[ as someone with adhd this kid totally has adhd ]] . he attempts to be both funny and good at magic tricks . keyword *attempts* (affectionate) . his character arc is mostly based on forming better relationships with people , becoming more confident / responsible and girlbossing away his shit parents . tbb focuses on his younger brother , paul-clay [[ aka pc . aka clay . no not clay like dreamwastaken unfortunately ]] . he is canonically a disaster gay and is confirmed by cass to have a boyfriend called anthony in the tbb finale

yo-yoji is literally an e-boy and has a rock band from japan called alien earache . this series was written in the late 2000s so he says slang words a lot and suprisingly enough it doesn't feel like those times where corporations put dabbing in their movies and more like the author's daughters had an emo phase and he's just putting it to paper . his character arc is more subtle but he goes from what is essentially a weeb to a full-blown samurai and i am so proud of him . yo-yoji gives me insane gender envy and is 100% a he/they enby and bisexual because his vibes simply exude that energy

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TW : abuse , alcoholism , violence , sickness and death . also the therapy / medical community is like REALLY bad like literally malicious but i don't know what to tag that with so just keep it in mind . there's also like a couple emetophobia triggers in there but it's not like super prevalent or anything

the other one is this book series called illyria ; only the first one is out right now , mermicide . it's a very sapphic psychological dark fantasy centred on this girl piper's shitty homelife and meeting [[ then falling in love with ]] this mermaid called astrid , who is [[ mild spoiler ]] even worse than her aunt . other characters include esther and scarlett , who are the best characters for multiple reasons that i won't get into because spoilers ; jasper vanguard who is a piece of shit ; elvira , who is piper's shitty aunt ; and falke . lol fuck falke all my homies hate falke

blue / purple mermaids like astrid are solitary mermaids and are very cunning and manipulative . red/orange mermaids like cressida [[ he appears in book 2 ]] are aggressive and hunt in packs . yellow/green mermaids like esther are the only type that can feel emotions close to human love and affection and usually stay in pairs .

the side characters holt and caspian are canonically boyfriends and i love them bc holt is like the snobbiest tory ass bitch with blond curls and everything while caspian is a hardened sea pirate who ends up wearing eyeshadow at one point [[ gnc icon ]] and their dynamic is just so funky and cool . cadmus and lenka are holt's servants and they are the only straight couple ever i love them

Need a new hyperfixation my regulars r getting old,,,, beloveds please infodump about ur favorite media to me