#i don't get to talk a lot about the actual withdrawal period though!

[flightofaqrow]

🍁 Was it rough, going sober?

press(ed leaf) conference ** accepting

"eugh, clincally," qrow's over the worst, doesn't mind talking about it, though clearly it doesn't bring up good memories, "every step 'a th' way."

"it was like every single bad decision i made over the last 25 years turned in'ta'a pack'a ravagers that ripped right back outta my body, except all within a week.

"...it started on th' flight in t'Atlas. headache, dry mouth, stomach churnin' an' not cause'a air sickness," that panic attack on the cliff earlier hadn't helped either, "not takin' that celebratory swig an' everythin' that came after... was th' hardest thing i've done in a long time. but cheers to, what? i'd been more hinder than huntsman ever since that train left Mistral. i didn't deserve it. an' after th' next skipped urge and th' next... i didn't feel like they deserved me that way either. i had to be sharper to have any chance at facin' what was comin'... i had to be... a better me. i left a lot'a things behind that day. that's hard, too.

"anyway, i hid it pretty well until everyone tucked safe and sound into th' academy. wasn't too hard t'blend in when we were all tired. all overwhelmed. just excited enough t'keep it together. ...i never made it t'th' dorms. dunno what happened... only that i woke up in th' infirmary instead. hours? days? i had no idea at the time. it was like Callows' poison all over again but worse. probably should'a stayed longer, but i busted out of that bed as soon as i stopped seein' things that weren't there. me an' medical machines don't mix.

"still don't know who i owe for covering for me, but no one seemed surprised i'd gone missing for a spell. it didn't stop there, but between sheer willpower an' aura, i could handle myself. funny thing is, feelin' better was rough, too. it all hit harder: th' pain, th' fatigue, th' chills ...but also th' colors, th' voices, th' feelings, th' drives. like dawn blindin' your eyes 'cause y'pulled th' curtains open too fast. ...enough t'make a man's head spin, even sober. i'm still gettin' used to it."

...it's still rough to admit how much he was missing out on, on top of it all.

"i'm sure it was rough on everyone around me, too, but... that's nothin' new."

[bugs1nmybrain]

Fem!Shigaraki Headcanons

Turning my f/os into girls is so therapeutic I'm considering even making one-shots. Fml

Warnings: fem reader, fem Shiggy, NSFW (18+) sex stuff!, bras and period kind of talk, most of these don't even apply to a relationship, not proofread

Shiggy as a girlie? What a silly lil gal

Personality-wise she's not different than Tomura, but she may be more prone to sadness because of the differences in social upbringing that girls go through. Male Tomura likely thinks he's too ballsy to cry

Angry cries

But she's feisty and angry

A true femcel

She's still a great gamer and blows away people online when they find out she's a girl because misogyny is very smelly in the gaming community. "Is that a girl in the chat??" Tomura: "Cope with it fuckface."

I think girl Tomura would be very jumpy for some reason. Being startled would be so easy for her. I also mean in general though, like she has a lot of pent-up emotions in her that she has to throw it all out through hyperactivity

Paces around the apartment mumbling to herself when she's stressed

Has no idea how to go about relationships because she feels very insecure. She doesn't see herself as an attractive woman because of all her scars, dry skin, and moles, so she doesn't feel like she has a chance with anyone

She fucking hates fashion media, and seeing some perfect model on a billboard is enough to make her start itching in insecurity

It's actually very easy for her to like someone romantically, but she doubts that they'd ever like her, too, so she just starts being mean and nasty

She's very bitter

She has a voice that many would call a "witchy-bitch" voice, but it's cute esp when she's getting excited about something she's happy about

once you get her to laugh she's all yours

her laugh is so contagious and the whole apartment complex is hearing that

So when she started dating you she feels confused and undeserving. She's very flirty and likes spending time with you but she withdraws for a bit because she gets paranoid that you suddenly hate her and find her annoying

BPD coded

Throws shit when she's angry

And yes, she could just disintegrate stuff, but where's the fun in that?

girl musk

Shiggy would likely be about 5'4 as a girl, and I say this because in many countries the average female height is 5 inches below the average male height, and Shigarki is 5'9.

Before her AFO surgery she looked very weak and thin, but after she starts to fill out more

Her titties are about a smaller C cup before her upgrade and goes up a cup after her upgrade. They sag a bit and have itch scars. She likes wearing push-ups to make her feel more compact (I notice that Shiggy likes tight clothes).

Her ass fills out more after her surgery but not by much, she's kind of petite in that department. Her hip-to-waist ratio will fool you

Her periods are HORRIBLE and I mean DANGEROUS

She's in so much pain!!!

Her cramps are unlike anything because of all the stress she endures and it's just her natural body doing its thing. They're so bad that she pukes and can faint if it's too bad. She has to wear pads because she bleeds very heavily, so tampons aren't doing it

She gets very angry and depressed during this time, and if you poke fun at her and do the "ohoho is it that time of month??" you are dead

please tell her to go take a shower during this time she will stink

Likely has endometriosis and is also definitely anemic because of all the bloodloss and malnutrition

She resembles her female relatives quite a bit; her mom, Nana, her sister, etc.

Sometimes she'll wear eyeliner!! Not always but if she's trying to look nice for a PLF meeting or something she'll put a little wing on her eyes.

nsfw time

She's a switch but loves to bottom

Fucking RAIL her she loves it

The first time you fuck it's likely her first time, and she's soaked so bad that you have to get a towel to clean up all the mess

But actually, you might occasionally need lube if you're using a dildo for her because she gets dry when she's extremely stressed or for no exact reason sometimes

clingggyyyyy

she will hang off of you once you're done and get all sappy about it

"i looove you, you're the only person I'll ever love."

The next morning, "morning, loser"

will bite you

Moans loud

No matter what gender Shigaraki is, Shiggy loves boobies

Will definitely ask you to do very perverse things with her

will ask u to rub boobies together

she is a middle schooler at heart

mommy issues still apply but if she was with a guy daddy issues would come out too

will call you mommy or daddy just to make you mad

She has the widest smile with her crooked chompers but she's so pretty when she's genuinely smiling

[altocat]

Can I have some dark hcs about Babyroth? For research purpose 😇

It's Sephiroth Hurtin' Hours. Let's do this.

Sephiroth was not permitted to get close to other scientists and orderlies after Gast leaves and Hojo takes over. Hojo does everything in his power to effectively isolate Sephiroth so he'll be more reliant on the things Hojo teaches him without outside interference.

As a result, Sephiroth is more than often achingly lonely, only having himself or Hojo to talk to. And since he's so strange and off-putting, most of the other scientists don't really want to talk to him anyway.

The constant isolation, procedures, and general antagonism through Hojo often gives way to terrifying fits of extreme rage and aggression within Sephiroth. While he is generally a skittish and polite child, he will sometimes lash out violently, not caring who he hurts. It doesn't satisfy him though. And he only just gets punished for it later.

There are days when Sephiroth simply refuses to leave his cell at all, lying under his bed balled up and not really talking or moving. He doesn't want to perform. He doesn't want to fight stupid training simulations. He doesn't want to get cut up on Hojo's table. He's just...tired. Tired and hopeless.

When he's in this state, Sephiroth simply withdraws from the world altogether, his eyes glassy and his body scrunched and fetal. He won't sleep or eat, won't really do anything at all. He simply....stops. As if he'd like nothing more than to just curl up and die.

Hojo often has to come to collect him whenever he gets like this, unless it's a severe emergency. There's been a few times where Sephiroth's symptoms have required the help of strong antidepressants, especially if he stops eating. Hojo MIGHT be a bit more lenient during this period, at least until Sephiroth perks up again.

Sephiroth often has periods of being completely nonverbal, mindlessly obeying as commanded, but not really engaging. He's more or less on autopilot.

Lots of the medications prescribed to Sephiroth as a child are further continued during his adult years, but at an even higher dosage. They are cyclical most of the time, per Sephiroth actually needing them.

He seems better when he's with Angeal and Genesis. And the fact that he's occasionally on any medications is kept a massive secret from the public. Not even a single leak on Silver Elite.

Sephiroth often has difficulties dealing with his body due to the many procedures he underwent as a child. Sometimes, he still does feel instinctual needs to react as he did in the past--nonverbal behavior, detaching. He has significantly more control over himself now, but the need is still there.

[corvid-language-library]

General Updates

I had my end-of-year evaluation the other day and I thought it went terribly BUT my supervisor clearly disagreed because he gave me 90% and said it was just little things and maybe on a different day I'd have done certain things better. Also I was at a new school, one I've only taught at once before, so it was basically impossible to showcase my relationship with the students and parents because there isn't much of one yet.

But also. I had a massive panic attack the night before and then burst into tears at the end of the feedback meeting yesterday. So I guess you could say my mental health is in the gutter right now.

On top of that I'm running a fever of 38ºC right now and slept about 12 hours last night and have a nasty cough soooo guess my physical health ain't great either (negative covid test though dw)

I have money concerns thanks to my cat being poorly and needing a some teeth out and insurance is like ahh sorry we don't cover dental work so -_-

ALSO there's work that needs doing on my house back in the UK which will cost another £500 I just. do not have.

My dad's ill. He has a history of telling me he's ill and exaggerating symptoms so I talk to him more, but the fact he's said he's actually going to the doctor is making me concerned

It's also that time of year where I need to think about booking flights back to the UK for the Christmas holiday period, which is stressful enough as it is. Throw in the fact I do not like Christmas and I do not have any particular desire to be in the UK and yeah, not my favourite thing to dwell on.

The colleague I really vibe who's only been working with us for like 6 months is already quitting and I'm genuinely sad about it

I've barely studied Japanese since I signed up for the JLPT and I'm almost wondering if I should just withdraw

I'm building up a habit of studying Norwegian again (in a passive sense - listening to the radio, reading news articles etc)

I've been doing Inktober. It's challenging but I've drawn some things that I'm quite proud of given I'm very much a beginner still and many of them are things I'm attempting to draw for the first time

Actually, I've been drawing daily for 18 days now! (Feels like a lot longer though for some reason? Maybe because it's the longest I've gone without getting fed up and giving up.) Sometimes I just trace something, sometimes it's a little doodle, sometimes I spend quite a while on a sketch. But it's going well, and I'm gradually building up my visual library, as it were.

[nerdragenewvegas]

This is so totally not to do with fallout but I wanted to talk about this personal thing and maybe i dunno? See if anyone can provide advice? Vent??? (under the cut, CW: prescription drug dependency, opiates, ketamine, drug rehab and detox, pregnancy, IVF, infertility, family planning, reproductive health.)

Right so getting personal here but I've hit a point where I cannot afford to put off having kids anymore. I have always, always wanted to be a parent, but I have the triple whammy of PCOS, adenomyosis and endometriosis and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since... I've lost track, but it was before we even got married. I'd say we're closing in on around 4 or 5 years now and we've been together for 8 years.

We've been to several fertility specialists and my issue is that I just don't ovulate like I should. Everything else is fine -- thankfully my uterine tissue is fine despite the adeno, and we've surgically got my endo under control, but PCOS means I just don't drop eggs like I'm meant to. (Although, recently, I've like, shed weight thanks to my new ADHD medication which has overcome my insulin resistance and I ovulated last month! So who knows?)

Anyway, all this to say that I'm running out of time now and we're going to start the IVF process next year. Thankfully my odds are extremely good and (touch wood) we're likely to get lucky quickly. IVF is invasive and expensive and I am terrified but I figure I'm gonna go through birth eventually, right? May as well get scared early and get used to it. (When I say IVF is invasive I mean we went through a cycle once before and it was so traumatising to me despite everything going fine that it inspired me to write Embryology, which is a body-horror fic lmao.)

However,

These medical conditions also cause me a lot of pain. Like, a lot, chronically. I have been in pain since I was 12 and started getting periods and I've been on opiates (legally and under medical supervision) for well, well over a decade. They're awesome, they have improved my quality of life drastically. I'm able to walk my dog, go to the grocery store, hold down a job and go to the gym every second day -- which I couldn't without them.

I don't abuse my opiates. I see my doctor once a month and see a pain management specialist annually to evaluate my pain and the best way to treat it and how I'm going, which is required before you can get the kind of prescription I have in my country (this is also overseen by the government, who provide my doctor with a permit after assessments that allow them to prescribe me) I have never had a dose increase and they're totally happy with my use. I am 100% aware that opiates are scary and dangerous and cause a lot of heartache for people but I assure you that in my case it is responsibly managed and safe.

The issue, though, is that I'm getting pregnant (hopefully) next year. This means that before I undergo my first IVF cycle, I have to go off opiates. Psychologically, I'm fine with this. I want a baby more than I want opiates, and thankfully, it's almost guaranteed that pregnancy will actually stop my pain as endo and adeno pain has, as we've seen in studies, always responded well to pregnancy for the duration of it.

But physically? I have an opiate dependency. This is the physical response to withdrawal of a drug, and it happens with any drug. (There's a lot of things that your body with develop a chemical reliance on in some way that aren't drugs, too!) It's nothing to be ashamed of and I'm not ashamed of it at all.

There's no way around it, even if I am not psychologically dependant on opiates and have no history of abuse or misuse, my body is a different story and I am going to have to go through a detox stage. In a lot of parts of the world including the western world, this is done through a weening process or by swapping whatever opiate a person is using to a more controlled substance like Suboxone (which I am avoiding) and then weening off the 'safer,' controlled, replacement opiate instead.

This would suck. If you've never had opiate withdrawls, imagine you have the worst flu ever -- no cough or fever, but you feel like you have a fever. You get a runny nose and sore throat, you get congested, your eyes start to burn, your skin starts to sting, your joints hurt. You sweat through your clothes and sheets at night and during the day you feel like you have a fever even if you don't have one. Oh, and the shitting. You don't stop shitting. It starts as run of the mill diahhoreah and then turns into water. You eat, get debilitating stomach and digestive tract pain as the food works its way through you and then it comes out two hours later as water. It's never ending. You shit oil after a while. If you didn't have TMJ beforehand, withdrawals will give you TMJ. Your teeth will hurt and, to top it off, opiate withdrawals cause insomnia. Even once you pass out from exhaustion from shitting for 8 hours straight, you will wake up every five minutes and go into a cycle of 'wake up,' 'stay awake for give minutes,' 'pass out from exhaustion again,' 'wake up five minutes later.' You cannot sit still. It is pure agony.

This would take months. I would be physically unwell the whole time, being that sick for that long would probably fuck with my mental health, and even once it's out of my system -- a lot of the time, your brain matter never forgets opiates. You can be fine for years and then see something and your neurons will involuntarily fire off and your opioid receptors will start SCREAMING for opiates.

However, I'm really, extremely lucky and ketamine treatment is being offered in my country for detox and rehabilitation from opiates!

This means that instead of the agonizing weening process that can take months and even years in cases worse than mine, I spend a week in hospital under medical supervision with a constant drip of ketamine until I've fully detoxed. Ketamine is actually a really incredible drug when it comes to medical uses (I already have a prescription for something called a troche, which is a microdose that you dissolve in your mouth. I use it for when I have a cyst burst and need immediate pain relief while my other medication kicks in.) It's not just used as an analgesic or anaesthetic anymore and you've probably read about it being used to treat PTSD or treatment resistant depression. (I can definitely attest that my mood as someone with bipolar disorder and PTSD has been the most stable it's ever been since starting to use it, which is a side bonus.)

There's a lot of studies and evidence that ketamine actually re-sets or re-wires your brain's pathways, which is why opioid infusions are used for chronic neuropathic pain a lot. The idea is that a long and low dose of ketamine is delivered with a pump at regular intervals around the clock so you basically spend a full week or so having your brain's pathways re-programmed and your opiate receptors renovated.

This means that I'll both be made comfortable during withdrawal (ketamine is shown to lessen the neuropathic and painful withdrawal symptoms, but as I'm in a hospital with nurses who are specifically trained to handle withdrawal cases, I'll also be given supporting medication for the diarrhea, restlessness etc) but it'll give my brain somewhat of a clean slate, meaning I should (fingers crossed) be able to live the rest of my life without feeling random cravings.

The biggest benefit to this is that it should re-wire my brain's pain pathways (which are worn the fuck out from feeling pain for decades -- think of it like having an ass groove in a couch and picking up the cushion and beating the shit out of it until the groove is gone,) meaning that my body may feel my usual pain as lesser and that regular pain medication like ibuprofen or tylenol (panadol for us Australians) will have a far better chance of working as well on my brain as opiates do, just without the buzz.

So it's a slam dunk win and I'm absolutely taking it, but a week on ketamine is still scary. During infusions, they start you on a microdose and then work your dosage up until they work out what your limit is before you venture into a k-hole and then reduce it to the highest level they can give you without sending you to space, but it's still going to be enough that I will experience some psychedelic effects and hallucinations.

I'll be safe and cared for but given that I do have some trauma I'm a little frightened. My specialist has warned me that it might bring that up in ways I won't expect and I might get a bit distressed at times and even feel a little mentally freaked out -- which is all normal because I'm on fucking ketamine duh -- but that's still a terrifying prospect, to have to do that for an entire week.

My long term plan is that once I have this baby, I'm getting a hysterectomy as we're pretty confident that most of my pain comes from my adenomyosis, which should make it manageable afterwards, even without opiates. I have something of a light at the end of the tunnel and it's, hopefully opiate free, and that sounds nice. Not that I have a problem with opiates -- honestly, if I could stay on them forever I would because they let me live a life and I love that peace of mind knowing it's there if I get hit with debilitating pain again. But the stigma and judgement around it and the way unfamiliar doctors and nurses treat me when they find out I take opiates (even with a prescription and all that supervision and all those safety checks!) is just awful, and the way people choose to see me because of legal medication I take -- I'm refused treatment for unrelated things so often because doctors see that on my medication list and assume I'm drug seeking. HUGE CN HERE for pregnancy loss - I miscarried in a hospital waiting room once after waiting in there for 6 hours without being seen because the triage nurse decided that I was trying to get more opiates and didn't even put my details in the system, meaning that no one was ever going to come see me anyway! I want to get off them and be free of that judgement and be treated like a human being again!

But I dunno. I guess I'm just scared that I'm gonna go through like, a trauma trip for a week and then just wind up back on opiates in two years and have to keep living a life where I'm treated as less deserving of respect or dignity because of something that's just... well, it's wrong to treat people like that, even if they do abuse their medication or use street opiates, anyway. The medical system is just callous and cruel.

Anyway, the reading I've done suggests bringing comforting things to do or watch during your stay, and I know I'm looking 12 months ahead (which is the plan at the moment) but I'm trying to figure out what that is in case I want to save for something like a new laptop or even a steam deck to play comfort games (simple stuff like stardew valley, easy, calm things) and watch easy viewing stuff?? idk. This is weird.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

I really wish people could see more than a foot in front of their own faces sometimes. The phrase, "The path to hell is paved with good intentions" is a reference to when you try to keep doing good things only for it to lead to something ultimately bad.

Sadly, right now, that's the bulk of what we are doing in the west. It's what we have been doing for the past 10-15 years. Though it also burns me up that more people can't think ahead. Like this:

So here's the thing, stuff like this is good as an idea. However, read that again. A GOOD IDEA. Idea is the key word there. In practice, however, not so much.

The thing is, I'll use the picture above to make the point.

If this were put into practice you would end up with several issues.

-The cleanup costs for fallen fruits would have to be added to city costs (Also risk of falling fruit to vehicles and passerby's)

-Any missed fruit will end up rotting (leading to)

-Doing this would increase pests in the area, including flies and maggots

-Doing this would also lead to more large animals around these areas which could be a danger to residents in the area. The danger would also be faced by the homeless. (both from the animals and the pests)

People always want results NOW while not realizing that having your results now can end VERY poorly. Like drug use. Sure it probably feels good but getting off the drugs physically messes up your body, which is when withdrawals happen. And it can kill you at any point. So to the people that are like, "Just let them have their drugs". How about no. Especially not with my Tax dollars.

That however is my point. And it's almost every single policy that the modern left screams about.

-Eat the rich (The people that actually pay most of the taxes in the US by a landslide contrary to popular belief.) A concept that is not only stupid but the only people that push it are often just people that are angry and jealous they don't have that kind of money.

-Minimum Wage should be living wage (The costs on everything would go up be a long shot. And this would not fix inflation. This would also take wage decisions out of the hands of employers. The result of this would be companies not promoting people, and only hiring people they can objectively see staying with them for extended periods of time. The true results is that this tends to end up in MASSIVE discrimination when it comes to hiring. This would also further enable to STUPID levels of entry into companies. Like "at least 5 years old with 20 years experience and a PhD in space aliens. I don't want more of that.

-Landlords are evil scum and housing is a human right (except it's not. And it never will be) My tax dollars are mine. And I should not be forced more than I already am, to give money to people that often don't want to work. And before I get the barrage of "THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HOMELESS HOW DARE YOU~", or any other version of that, let me be clear. There ARE people that are homeless due to mental illness. And those people SHOULD be taken care of to some degree. However, at that point, bring back Asylums. If you want state funded asylums I would not mind if some of my tax dollars went that direction. However, there ARE a lot of homeless that opt to be homeless. I know because I've talked to them. Some of them just don't want to be on the grid at all, and they make a killing off panhandling. Some can make 100's if not 1000's a day. Frankly it bothers me.

More so the case when you realize being a victim is profitable. Because almost nothing sells better than sympathy.

But all of these are things I see people preach about, and it frustrates me to no end. How is it you want fruit trees in cities when they can't even keep people from pooping in the streets? Places like SF even have POOP MAPS and an entire new agency created because of the poop problem. And you want to pay MORE in taxes for the CHANCE to eat fruit or feed the homeless? That thing your state already claims it's supposed to be doing. And has spent 100's of Millions on? Clearly that's working as planned. And then you want to house the homeless for free in homes that belong to other people? And you expect those homes to not fall into squalor? Who's going to do the repairs? Who's going to pay the person that building and property belong to? Not the state. Who's going to make sure the building doesn't just end up as another worn down crack den with windows busted out and plywood over the windows with no heating or cooling or running water because it's all been stripped for drug money? Not the state.

None of you think anything through. Ever. And it shows. It's quite literally, "Oh this sounds good so we should do this" but you never consider the consequences of what you want. None of you do. You think because something sounds good that it IS good. Rather than realize that what you want could well lead to a devastating result. And all because you, "just wanted to help". Believe me. Wanting to help is a good thing. Just not when that help is not thought out. It's like the analogy. "If you give a man a fish you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime". In other words, if you give a man a hand out you might help him in the short term. If you teach a man to make his own way in life, he won't need a handout. And he will learn to fend for himself.

Now a days however, we have a lazy class of sheltered morons who think that since food exists in stores and amazon has stuff on it's site that SOMEHOW we are beyond scarcity. We are not. And without capitalism you lose your AC. You lose power. You lose your special vegan foods that can only really exist in a thriving system. Meanwhile you whine about capitalism when the actual issue you have is with the government and it's over regulation of everything rather than the actual economic system. Most of you are entitled little shits who frankly should be shipped to china, stripped of your citizenship, and be prevented reentry. Go live your communist dreams in a country that will literally torture you or kill you for burning their flag.

I've gotten off topic a bit by my point remains. You all need to think for yourselves. And you need to think ahead. And when you do, remember we don't live in a perfect world. Get out of your BS utopia that doesn't exist, and use your brain. Actions, no matter what they are, have consequences. Like this guy, who did something I personally view as a net positive. Except the government decided, "Hey, you are stepping on our toes. How dare you try to solve an issue that makes us so much money. When will you realize the ruling class LIKES homeless people because homelessness is profitable. Solving it is not. So they never will. And no it's not a "Republicans don't care" thing because in states like Texas our homeless issue is MINIMAL. And is mostly taken care of by each individual city. And they tend to handle it rather well. Unlike NY, SF, and LA. Speaking of LA:

Now granted. Do I think this guys idea would have failed long term? Yes actually. Do I think he had good intentions? Also yes. Do I think he did more for these people than the city or state ever has? Also yes. Because he did this out of his own pocket. Even went so far as to rent a lot out for these tiny homes. But listen to the video. Listen to what the politician says. But I think this idea at least is better than giving homeless of all kinds carte blanch to someone else's property. And they are super small, so they'd be easy to repair on your own after a day of pan handling. Does it solve the issue? No. Is it more than LA has done for it's homeless in decades? Also yes.

[hisgoodgirl666]

hi all, sorry i haven't been around as much, even on horny week. my libido's been down, and it makes me sad.

i've been tapering down weed for a couple months leading up to a total break that started last week; i've read that withdrawal can affect a lot of things including libido. it may have already been affecting me before while tapering, but now that i've completely stopped, i'm definitely withdrawing - cold night sweats, vivid nightmares, getting too hot/too cold throughout the day randomly, period seems to be out of whack (i'm supposed to start in a few days and it's not abnormal for me to spot about a week before but i've been more than spotting and it's not stopping still, but it's also not like, my actual period. hard to describe lol. also just continuously cramping really hard...).

i hate this though. i want to be horny, it's fun when you have a partner to experience that with. it sucks for me but i feel even worse for my Dom. i'm going through so many ups and downs lately with this and i hate it and it's not fair to him. i feel horrible when i turn him down, i feel like a bad partner even though i know that's not true. i feel prudish and cold and wonder if he thinks i don't love him, which is ridiculous. but i still feel this sinking in my chest and anxiety when i don't "want to." just everything from society about women who don't put out flashes through my mind, even if it's not valid. and regardless of all that, i just want to make him happy.

when i got off hormonal birth control almost 2 years ago, i definitely had this window where my libido came back in full force, especially around ovulating. reading erotica absolutely helped too. but lately i feel like i'm having to work at being horny and if i don't put effort, it's not there. and yeah i could read erotica; last i left off here, i was in the middle of Debt by Nina Jones, but i never finished it. honestly it's because since i've cut back weed, i've been reading regular books again, which is awesome on one hand! i've missed reading like this for a long time. but now that means my libido and sex life have to suffer?...

but i wish i didn't have to work so hard for it in the first place. literally really want some sort of female viagra or something, i want to talk to my doctor or psychiatrist about it. i just keep thinking it's not fair. not fair to me and even less fair to my Dom. sometimes i just wanna punch my nether regions like helloooo fucking WORK lmao...

[yeahyeahwhateverrr]

ok, to get to the point, i have a huge problem with men that Is causing me a daily obstacle/actually hindering my life at this point. And i guess I'll talk about that, but I'd like to make a point first before anything, that even though there is an explanation for my actions, there is no justification whatsoever, never will be. Men deserve delicacy and kindness just like everyone else, even if they may or may not be bad. But if they're bad, obviously I'm gonna be a shithead. Like bad, bad. Not normal bad, nobody is always morally correct. Even though my own triggers with normal men over small things make me not trust them easily, so i try to suppress rage and resentment towards them. And it's just healthier to tackle that and just talk about it, not to them, unless it's necessary i guess? But at least to someone not involved that sees a different perspective and is able to help, and God knows i can't afford therapy right now lol. So that's a long ways ahead. I'm doing what i can with the tools i have, but they're obviously shit and work sometimes. "I" statements and DBT therapy wasn't enough ok lol. That's on me but obviously i need some more intervention there. Bc i get unbelievably fucking mad out of nowhere, not even bc of men. Idk, but anyways -

I have a lot to work on, and I'm gonna make mistakes, so i should probably withdraw for periods of time. (even though that's proven bad for me, bc then people find me having episodes where I'm crying uncontrollably and talking incoherently about a lot of shit and i cant remember those. Then I'm fucking embarrassed, like i don't even drink when those happen, like do i get sleep deprived...? Wtf) but maybe during those times, I'll have have to take here and there to avoid, so i can still do self introspection and coach myself somehow? Or ask people how they deal with that personally, something that at least shows I'm trying to make the effort to change for the better. But men absolutely deserve to be nurtured and loved just like anyone else, and to feel security. And they shouldn't have to shut out their own emotions, and they definitely need people to be patient with them bc obviously men are taught at a young age to bottle shit up/ignore it/it's whatever, you're a boy, etc whatever fucking bullshit. I was raised the same way, but that's besides the point, really? But men really do deserve to have their inner child healed and dealt with appropriately as well. Eventually I'll have to work my way up to therapy though, and work on that one super hard and see if i can break through it. Bc it's been my strongest barrier my whole life, when i shouldn't be holding my problems against certain people against all men. They're not all aggressors or monster, they're people just like me. And when i act and do things a certain way i make myself unsafe not only to men but others as well. And i want to acknowledge that and apologize for that sincerely for anyone I've hurt. An apology will not mend or fix that hurt, but i want to at least realize the pain I've caused + as well as apologize bc i feel remorse, not bc i don't want to get caught. But bc it's not being fair to others, it's not giving people a chance, and it's just really fucking unnecessary, quite frankly. So i am sorry for that, and i don't expect to be forgiven.

Now i will talk about my examples with men, but as i said, not a justification, but merely an explanation for my behaviors. My experiences in life with men, so at least there is some understanding there.

Was with dad and his friend downtown, i was maybe 13-15 range, we used to listen to music every Saturday downtown. My dad wasn't drinking, not specifying for anonymity reasons. His friend was. My dad was standing beside him, listening to the music, his friend was behind me, uncomfortable close as i was sitting down in those fabric lawn chairs. Just excited to be with my dad, and his friend started leaning forward, and i felt something hard against my neck, and maybe he was just having a hard time keeping himself up. But wouldn't it be soft? Like idk, how do dicks work, i could definitely feel that shit on my neck, and i remember freezing up when i realized. He's just a drunk though so that has to be it, but every other of my dad's friends didn't like me. And he was the only one that actually went out of his way to talk to me.

Was with my dad outside his apt at the same age range, while he was working on his motorcycle, dude came walking from the bar, stopped by to talk to my dad, kept looking at me, and was like, "you have a really beautiful daughters, i have daughters myself." And just kept staring at me the whole time. Mf looked like Lester off of GTA 5 i shit you not, just skinnier. my dad didn't really acknowledge him, and then the dude walked off, and my dad didn't tell me to go inside or anything, it was night and summer. He drove off to test his motorcycle at the time, leaving me outside. And i was feeling weird, so i locked the door and went upstairs, looking out the window on the main street we were on, and the dude was walking across the street slowly (like the other side this time, he was lingering for a while actually.) and looked up at me and didn't pull away his eyes.

My stepdad and his SIL were drinking one night, and i came out. I was the same age, i used to get hit on a lot as a teenager. (Surprisingly, I'm not conventionally attractive, but i was really, really skinny at the time) and his SIL who was and still is with his daughter, started calling me cute and picking at me. And started joking that he wanted to take me to McDonald's so he could get me a "big Mac". i may be Autistic, but i understand fucked up social cues when i hear them. I'm not that retarded, not saying anyone is, but i wish people wouldn't undermine me. Constantly. My stepdad was coaxing it on, and he actually opened up the garage, and his SIL was trying to get me to come outside with him, very insistent. It didn't feel like a joke anymore. He had his keys ready and everything and wanted "to just take me for a ride." (Same man that put a gun to my stepdads daughters head btw threatening to kill him and her) i was like NO. And kept saying it over and over, my stomach was definitely churning that night. Something felt wrong, i don't think he wouldve raped me, i don't think he's that vile, but i felt really aggressive bc my boundaries weren't being respected. If you don't listen to me, sorry but idgaf about your feelings at that point. Maybe I'm looking too much into these experiences

First ex (cheated on me, admitted to it later bc i wouldn't give him what he wanted) i was 14 and didn't care about sex. And it was my first relationship. When we eventually got back together like 2 years later ish, he wouldn't even talk to me, acknowledge me, brushed me off and would actually push me off of him. Completely cold. I cried and said i was gonna go home, and he said what are you gonna do? Walk all the way home to your dad and tell him where you were? So i stayed and i don't really want to talk about it, not traumatizing. Can't say it was, not going to insinuate or say anything there. He wasn't a bad guy, just high sex drive. Did he make me cry a lot that night and got actually vocally shitty at me for crying? Yes lol

Being flirted with at gas stations when my dad used to send me down to them, with money so he could get 2 liters and maybe some candy lol. That's definitely a lot less malicious, not so bad. Having a man whisper to you in your ear some nasty shit when you're literally at the register is a different story though. I was 16 lol. At least when i told him he backed tf off. He was like oh shit nvm. So a respectful gentleman for that at least, definitely not traumatizing, just a funny story now.

My friends uncle hitting on me and looking me up and down heavily when i was at her house, i was definitely not 18 yet. But he also really flirts with any woman, to be fair. She was uncomfortable as fuck too. I remember when i went home with her one day in high school, her brother and uncle both picked us up, nothing said weird about me. But were saying the high school girls were jail bait and. Yeah. That's not really traumatizing, just made me feel gross.

Obviously i also have trauma with women, i was molested as a kid. But that has no relation to this. I will not explain further than that, bc I'm not mad at who did it to me, does it hurt and make things awkward? Yes. Absolutely lol. But i will never put it against them.

Now i will explain things a little more, but this should absolutely be taken with a grain of salt, and just moreso weird experiences. I do not want to incriminate anyone, i do not want to point fingers or even insinuate anything. I'm fine, im cool, the brain is just a weird thing. i used to have dreams of having sex as a kid, even though I didn't know what that was. Only explanation i can think of is accidentally being exposed to porn, but i can't say for sure bc i was really small. Someone would be on top of me, my vision would be blurry/like looking through a fishbowl lens, couldn't see the person's face, so maybe even sleep paralysis. But I'd feel someone on top of me, and then the motions of missionary. I'd have no thoughts at first, like just the vision and looking up. And then it was like a melting, like i was slowly becoming aware, and then i started to feel a spike of adrenaline and slight panic (?) (Only way i know how to explain that, and then i blacked out. I would just black out.) I remembered that when i got older, and then when i first had sex ever, it reminded me of it. I was like woah, this is familiar. But i can't quite pin my feelings on it. I talked to my sister about it, she used to have the same dreams all the time apparently. But she thinks it was spiritual warfare/spirits raping us, but she was also really whacked out of her mind on meth at the time. She's clean, at least she says she is now. Then asked, "what happened to you child?" Idk bro but we talk about something else now lol idk. Nothing happened I'm fine, repressed memories aren't real. Repressed Emotions are, however. But memories can be falsified and made up. So it was just dreams. I'm fine, I'm ok. I'm fine. Did i get night terrors apparently as a teenager? Yeah haha, but i got a few of them at my dad's. My mom never said anything. My stepmom and dad were watching a movie one night, i was asleep already in my room, and she heard me screaming and crying, just screaming NO and STOP over and over, so she came to check up on me i guess, and was thrashing about looking like i was trying to fight someone off and sobbing hysterically while my eyes were wide open. My dad said he heard nothing, so idk lol. The next morning, had no idea, she confronted me quietly, and was like, did something happen to you? Like who hurt you? Like why are we getting really quiet? 😳🥹🥹 I definitely woke myself up to sobbing quite a few times, like really heavily. Feeling pain in my chest. But that's not night terrors. I remember another dream i had as a kid, where i was sitting on the floor in front of my mom, the living room was dim, only one light on that she was sitting beside. I was in front of her sitting on the floor, in my Dora onesie. And she told me to stay out of the darkness and stay away from the ghost. (? Lol this sounds so fucking cliche or made up sorry, it's just an uncomfortable dream so it's sat with me forever) and sure as fuck a ghost comes down the hallway towards me, picks me up, starts taking me down the hallway, and started to unzip my Dora onesie, and the ghost started to rub around my nipple in a circular motion, and walked me into My parents bedroom, which it was at the time. Now it's just my mom's. And has been. The bedroom was dramatically dark in my dream lol. I had the weird sex dreams and that one literally both when i was In elementary school still. Funny how the brain works, right?

My sister i was talking about earlier actually is getting night terrors to this day apparently, and she's older than me. If that's saying anything. But she was an actual victim of molestation and rape in the same house. I didn't know about the rape until way later. She doesn't like to sit in silence or be with her thoughts or anxiety. So she usually needed something to occupy her mind. So now she's literally on sedatives and hardcore meds. I don't blame her, life has been tough on her. I love her and care about her, and i worry about her everyday. I don't think she's doing anything bad, we just been through a lot of shit together. She is my best friend.

[continent-of-wild-endeavor]

If we're busy and you don't look like you want a lesson, "Is this all organic?" or "Do you use sprays?" get a cheerful no/yes (as needed). I'll happily point you to the vendors who are certified organic - they have it in big letters on their sign. If it needs to be organic/no spray for you to want to buy it, then you're their customer, not ours, and that's fine. Yes, our tomatoes are bigger and prettier and more plentiful than theirs, and cheaper. Tradeoffs.

If you ask more questions, or more specific ones, and there's time, I'll happily clarify, and I can go get the boss if you want to know exactly what was used on that particular crop, and when, and why. Sometimes it's nothing! Good weather and a resistant variety sometimes get you potatoes etc that never needed a pesticide of any kind.

And we do use some of the "bad" chemicals, where they're the right tool for the job. And some species need a lot of support. It took us three years to get on top of all the treatments peach trees need to make a decent crop of fruit anybody wants to pay for. Strawberries without fungicides just give up in a rainy year (and sometimes even with them). We also use beneficial mites to control other pests, and crop rotation, and resistant varieties, and mulch to suppress weeds & improve the soil, and "softer" treatments, and don't treat things that don't need it. Idk who's just spraying poison willy nilly - that stuff costs money!

But when you just ask about sprays or chemicals or whatever, I don't know what you're actually worried about, so I don't know what question to try to answer. Do you even know? Is it a particular herbicide you're scared of (all the time, or only if there's likely residue on this tomato?), or withdrawal periods, or soil conservation, or water management? It can't be just whether the pesticide du jour comes in a spray or some other format. Surely that's not actually what you're trying to ask me. Do you know what a chemical is, or are you using that as shorthand for something else? Can you tell me what it stands for, then? "Is the beef grass fed?" Yes, though they get grain too, but live on pasture their whole lives. Are you concerned about their diet or their welfare?

I'm happy to talk to people about what we do and how and why (provided we're not terribly busy) but I'm gonna need you to clarify, first for yourself and then to me, what you actually want to know about.

A woman at the farmers market yesterday was admiring our bountiful melons and asked "y'all don't use any chemicals on them, right?"

I said, "well no, we're not organic. I mean, organic farmers use chemicals too, but I think I know what you mean" and she walked away looking confused.

I'm trying to meet these people where they are, to communicate the answer to the question they think they're asking - or at least what I *think* they think they're asking, since nobody's actually saying what they mean to mean when they ask things like that. "Do you use sprays?" "Is this all natural?" etc etc. Not everybody wants/needs to have a whole big conversation about what terms mean, and what farmers actually do, just to buy a vegetable, and that's ok! But it's hard to give an answer that gives them the info they're after, and isn't complete nonsense/misleading, when I also have to guess at their internal concept of what's good, or healthy, or what a chemical is.

[blackthunder137]

hii!! i have no idea how asks work since this is my first time but can you do headcanons about being theos gf in general? thank you!!! i’m sorry if i did asks wrong

What it’s like to be Theodore Nott’s girlfriend-

Pairing- Theodore Nott x girlfriend!reader

Warnings- mentions of sex; drinking; fluffy

Writer's Note- First request!! This is such a lovely request and your ask was clear, don't worry about it. Thank you for requesting! As you can see I got carried away and wrote a lot. I hope you like it<3

Navigation Taglist Theodore Nott's masterlist

The start of the relationship-

You two had known each other for a long time, and even though you were in the same friend's circle and spoke frequently, there was something more about you two.

You two thought you were just friends at first, but as time passed, you realised how much love you had for one another.

He would be the one to approach you and ask you to be his girlfriend, and if you were the one to approach him about it, he would say yes right away.

Something beautiful happened when he kissed you for the first time. It just felt perfect, and everything made sense.

A passionate and love-filled kiss. A love worth fighting for. He felt at home when you were around. He finally had something that he could rely on in his life.

Although the first few months would be awkward for both of you, he would not miss an opportunity to show you affection. even if it's just a small gesture of affection such as holding hands.

He will go to any length to prove that you are his.

Things would gradually escalate between the two of you, such as him sleeping in your bed, putting his hand on your waist for the first time, and this giving you butterflies.

You are his top priority; no matter what happens, he will always prioritise you. This man would do anything for you, and I mean anything.

He would set up these little dates that he would plan weeks before the actual showdown. 

His dates are the best. The way he sets it up luxuriously would leave you in awe. He would bring snacks, drinks, and books that you read.

A few months into the relationship-

Things just went their way after a few months. You two were now at ease in one another's presence and no longer felt awkward around each other.

In between classes, he would give you kisses, and if you were occupied with work, he would cup your cheeks and force you to kiss him.

During class hours, he would be the only one sitting next to you. He wouldn't let anyone sit next to you.

He'd always have his hands on your thighs. If you asked him to withdraw his hand from there, he would just say it was "for safety reasons."

He is extremely protective of you, and I mean extremely protective, since you are far too valuable to him, and he can become possessive of you.

If he sees you chatting to a guy or a guy talking to you, he will become enraged and will not waste any time luring you into a makeout session in front of the guy, or you will be railed pretty hard that night, so beware.

He would always keep you safe and help you in times of despair. He'd sit there and listen to you rant for hours just to make you feel better.

He'd prepare delectable food. You lived for his food, and now and then you two would cook together, and he would just kiss you and tell you how much he loved you.

The little things-

While you are on your period, he would be the one to perform all the work. To help you feel better, he would bring you blankets, a hot pack, and some chocolates.

He skips classes to be with you and care for you throughout your period.

If you're in a lot of pain, he'll climb into bed with you, draw you close to his chest, and stroke your back while saying affirmations until you fall asleep.

You get a lot of cuddles when you're on your period.

He'd always kiss your forehead and ask whether you were okay and if you were in a lot of pain. This will be asked every two minutes.

He would assist you in passing tests if you are not well prepared. It's not like he's prepared himself, but he'd be willing to assist you.

If you ever start to fear or feel uneasy for no apparent reason, he will simply grasp your hands and his touch will calm you down.

It's movie night!! He always has these movie nights arranged, complete with blankets, food, and drinks.

It's worth it, even if you end up cuddling and falling asleep during the movie.

While cuddling, he is the big spoon. He holds you close to his heart because you make him feel at ease.

Every time he sees you, he becomes mesmerised and anxious. though he would not show it.

You and your date wear matching outfits to these seasonal balls to show that you're dating.

In the ball, you two would be the 'Power Couple.' Everyone's gaze is drawn to the two of you, who appear to be stunning and elegant.

While the two of you dance, one of his hands is usually around your waist. He just wants to show off what he has and kisses you now and then.

His hands are constantly roaming about your back and waist while you're dancing. This makes your stomach flutter.

If you are not by his side for even a fraction of a second, you will become concerned. He only wants to be with you for the rest of his life.

If he sees you drinking, he will limit his consumption and stay by your side the entire time, watching over you and carrying you to your room if you become too high.

He's always there to cheer you up when you're down, and he never fails to compliment you on how sexy and attractive your body is.

He would just walk in and join you when you were taking a bath. This could get steamy. He can't seem to stay away from you.

The two of you frequently stargaze. It might be up the Astronomy tower or the Black Lake. Just the two of you looking up at the sky and him looking at you.

He would spoil you with gifts like rings, dresses, necklaces, etc., and he doesn’t mind getting gifts for his girl.

He would also occasionally give you his hoodies, and if he doesn’t, you can always steal them from him.

The Ups and Downs-

A relationship is never without its ups and downs. There are a lot of ups and downs, but everything works out in the end.

As he is so possessive, if he notices you conversing, he may ignore you and refuse to speak to you for days.

You need to clear this up and say it out loud to clear things out. This could result in the two of you shouting at each other.

If he does understand, the two of you reconcile, and he apologises to you.

In the games, the two of you may become competitive at times (if you are from the other house). This may lead to some heated exchanges. But, at the end of the day, you two understand that it was all a game, to begin with.

He would give you flowers and chocolates to make you feel better. It is his way of apologising. 

You two quarrel over small matters as well. This may result in throwing stuff and the usual conflicts that are resolved.

Even so, battles can get out of hand at times. Because it is a part of life, you two always come back to each other.

Overview-

He will always love and protect you. He never misses an opportunity to express even a tiny bit of affection.

He loves you so much. Though he doesn't always express it, he would go to great lengths for you.

He says things out of anger, but he never means what he says. How could he possibly lose the one person he considers his home? How could he possibly let go of the one and only?

He is extremely loyal to you. You are the only person on his mind.

Overall, it's a privilege to be his girlfriend. He looks after you and is there for you whenever you need him. It's enchanting.

He was "that someone" you always waited for.

TAGS- @thehalfbloodedwitch @nottluvr @pottahishotasf @chickencouncilrep @siriuslydestiny @almxndtxfu

[well-shit-im-a-morosexual-now]

I don't have much to say about the rest of the S3 lessons, but I do have things to say about S4 of Obey Me.

Personally, I think that S4 should focus primarily on the angels (Simeon, Luke, Michael, Raphael, etc.), feature the side characters (Solomon, Barbatos, Diavolo), possibly introduce Solomon's first apprentice and maybe in Hard Mode you can check up on the brothers (you should know who the HOL brothers are).

I have a few reasons for this (in no real order :):

Reading the lesson summaries that you (and others) have provided, it seems like Mike and Raph- along with the Celestial Realm- will be important this season. So, wouldn't be a waste not to show them off?

The side characters need development. This is a perfect opportunity for some.

Simeon and Luke were standing for a longer period than the brothers, so it would make sense for them to show up again.

Simeon was talking to some angel (probably Raphael) at the end of S3. The game should obviously expand on that.

*Diavolo runs a hotel chain in the Human World, so it would make sense to see him again. And because Barbatos follows right behind him...

Solomon's first apprentice needs to be explored. What happened between them?

*The brothers should take a back seat in this season, since they're always there. No offense to them, but I need a break.

New character interactions is would be fun. To me, the best character interaction would be between Dia & Mike. Would they hate each other because of Lucifer? Would they get along? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

It could show off/expand upon the Celestial Realm, a chance for more lore and theories.

It could finally give insight into Simeon's past- which is always a good thing. (Same for everyone else.)

Now that the list is out of the way, here are some miscellaneous things that I couldn't fit on the list (also an clarification for 5 & 7. They explanations will also have an asterix at the beginning of them:):

*I don't expect Diavolo and Barbatos to show up that often, but I think that they should appear in at least 1-2 chapters.

*I also don't mind the brothers showing up, but I am worried that if they appear prominently, they might over take the season.

I kinda want the Lillith plotline/point to come back. I definitely wish it was executed better, but I do want to see the reaction from the angels (Mike and Raph basically).

I hope Solomon's apprentice was a girl. There's just too many guys here, we need a little diversity.

I would hate it if they didn't give us character designs for Michael and Raphael, though I would find it funny.

Well, I think I'm done for now. Do you agree, disagree? Do you like the color coding, should I keep doing it? Basically, I just want your thoughts on this.

Goodbye for now,

Lesson 42 Anon

Hii!!! I basically agree with everything you just said but I'll go into more detail on it with your points:

- I do 100% believe S4 should be a new character/angel focused season. I think I said so in the lesson 60 summary too that it'd make sense and be interesting to meet the angels and get their side of the story without the brothers' interference (the angels give me HEAVY morally grey characters who think they're wholly in the right vibes and I love it) + there's still a lot of Simeon and Solomon backstory to explore!

- The way S3 ended and how much of it was anyway about the angels I definitely think S4 will expand on it and introduce them

- And I think it'll possibly start right after S3 ends? I mean Raphael's here now and Solomon wants to start properly training MC so why not. And there's no other reason to leave Simeon and Luke behind than to start it up with them in the centre

- ALSO!!! ANDISJSHSKS "RAPH" given what they've showed of him he seems like the type of person to take HEAVY offense to that

- S3 did end with Raphael. Simeon called him by name.

- As much as I do want to see more Diavolo and find out more about his and more importantly Barbatos' backstories I don't think they'll turn up much? Or at least not until the last few lessons cause he left saying he had important personal issues to take care of back in the devildom

- I genuinely thought they would be shown in S3 after Solomon mentioned them and yeah damn I wanna know more about them. Also I just saw the Solomon UR+ animation card from months ago today - I definitely want to know whose grave he was leaving flowers at

- As much as I want an angel focused season the amount of withdrawal I'd go through without the brothers is insane. I'm heavily invested in them but at least for now their arcs are at a place that can be paused - they all got together to help Beel, a lot of Satan & Lucifer's + Belphie & Diavolo's issues have been resolved. I do want to know more about Lucifer's fear though and how he met the rest of the brothers (since they already told us Beel's story)

- With what they've said I kinda see Michael & Raphael being parallels to Diavolo & Lucifer, respectively. The somewhat childish boss and the long suffering right hand. I can see Diavolo wanting to like Michael purely because he wants to make proper peace with the Celestial Realm but also being somewhat internally pissed with him given how protective Diavolo is of the brothers and I can see Michael being sweet and friendly in return despite the fact that given everything Michael has said about demons, even in current times, he would probably be looking down on Diavolo for being 'wicked' and 'evil'. Basically I imagine them having the same kinda passive-aggressively polite relationship that Diavolo and Simeon had in S2 but somehow even less friendly

- Yes!!! Like I said the Celestial Realm gives heavy morally grey vibes and I want that to be explored more. I also need Luke's realisation that the Celestial Realm isn't always right to continue

- I have SO many Lilith HCs and I desperately need them to talk about her more. Like I understand why she's a sore topic and that Lucifer never even told them about her room in the HoL depite the fact that they've probably lived there for thousands of years and she does get brought up a bit in Belphie's fear but I need more. I also want them to explore why Belphie was so insistent with blaming the humans for Lilith's death when it was the angels that killed her, I gave my theories behind it in one of the summaries but I really need more solid answers

- I've always wanted more girls (or any girls really) and the way I was disappointed that we never got to see Lilith (I mean I understand that some players would HC her to look like their MC even though she died thousands of years before MC and they probably wouldn't share a resemblance but still) but I never considered Solomon's apprentice was a girl and I dunno why.. OKAY BUT CONSIDER GIRLS AS NEW LIS!!!!!

- I definitely think they would, it would make no sense if they didn't after how much they were hyped up and I might actually scream if they don't get designs. That being said I have very clear ideas of them in my head and I'm gonna hate having to part with them

DO NOT GET RID OF THE COLOUR CODING! IT'S PART OF YOUR IDENTITY NOW! OWN IT!

[mirainawen]

Some headcanons for The Long Road that absolutely nobody asked for

Who’s the messiest one:

Everyone has their places that they are the messiest one in.

dean: when he cooks, he does not clean up the kitchen afterward. he reasons that cleanup is sam's detail, because that splits the work 50-50. most of the time, sam is okay with this because he doesn't particularly enjoy cooking and is tired of takeout. he'll bitch dean out in three circumstances: 1, he hasn't been there (fair), 2, he wanted to eat out (less fair), 3, DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO WRECK THE WHOLE KITCHEN TO BAKE A FRICKIN PIE (least fair).

when it comes to the state of his room, though, dean falls right between sam and adam. it's his space, so he reasons everyone can mind their own business. sometimes he is really on top of it; other stretches of time, he'll let things pile up / get out of place before he'll do something about it.

you so much as leave a to-go cup in Baby, though, and God help you.

sam: between the three of them, sam tends to be the most orderly and tidy. BUT, leave that man alone to his own devices in the library? he's probably fallen asleep atop an entire table of "organized chaos" of open books, pages of notes, a new (unimplemented) filing system, a dozen bookmarked tomes, and a couple dozen pens lost amid the chaos. sam in research mode + cross-referencing & digitizing & organizing the men of letters' archives into a streamlined and interconnected, coherent system is...a lot. just like A Lot. and it Shows. (and sam's loving every minute of it. utterly geeking out in his own head.)

adam: is a disaster child. he'll let shit pile up until he has to deal with it, or is otherwise bitched at enough by (usually) sam. he doesn't have a lot of stuff, so it can't reach actual problem levels in the bunker. but he's totally the kind to be like, "what the hell? how long has this been here? hey, guys, when did we eat at burger king? oh god, we should definitely toss that at the next gas station. what? no i'm not going searching for a trash can right now" about his car.

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA:

it is, get this, sam. i know, i know. hear me out. when given the option, adam can and will be affectionate within reason. he's the most uptight and gunshy about it at first, when he just gets out of the cage; tends to withdraw from people getting too close, always on edge; as a survivor of the most Traumatic Thing in the Universe, that is more than fair and expected.

once he's had time to find his footing with sam & dean, however, he'll greet them with a bro-hug, when appropriate, a slap on the back, a nudge of the elbow, lowkey affection like that.

dean came back from purgatory more affectionate than he'd ever been before. much more readily will not only greet with a hug, but say goodbye (even in 'casual' partings) with a hug.

that leaves sam, who used to be considered more mushy than dean by these terms. dean's lowkey affection he's used to. adam's? nah. no. especially in the first 5 years, for the amount of time that adam does it (before shit gets Real Bad). after adam gets out of the institution, he gravitates more towards sam naturally, even when pissed, and sam's kinda lowkey why is he in my personal space??? weird. because it doesn't innately fit the same kind of way it does with dean. post-reintegration, he's more affectionate after they've found their footing again. he tries to make up for the Bad Years with more slaps on the shoulder kind of affection. boy's trying.

Who’s the funniest drunk:

sam is a disaster drunk. he's the biggest lightweight of the three of them, which is funny because he's also the biggest, just like the biggest in general. dean becomes so much fun in unexpectedly different kinds of ways. like, he can be talked into karaoke. or doing some stupid shit he's gonna regret in the morning because odds are it's not gonna end well.

but adam is straight up hilarious. that sharp wit comes out, and all his inhibitions (and image) are gone so he just straight up cracks the worst jokes ever and gets away with it. they land. somehow they land. maybe because sam & dean are also drunk. maybe because he is just that funny. maybe it's that he has a tendency to get blackout-wasted and do stupid shit that makes no sense whatsoever, like shower with his f*ckin socks on and dean is never gonna let that shit die.

Who texts the most:

adam or dean. during large periods of time in the first 5 years, adam will leave dean on read and dean texts because read receipts means he knows when adam is checking his messages and therefore he knows adam is at least alive, if not entirely alright. by that view, dean texts the most.

but for random shit, that would be adam. he'll text dean something like

with either no caption, or something like: this reminds me you need to hit the gym, or looks like you have competition and doesn't give further context. dean doesn't mind because at least it means the kid's not dying in a basement somewhere.

he'll kick his ass for the fat comment later

Who reads the most:

it goes in this order:

sam "i read this entire book in one sitting cause i had the time, and now i am awake at 1am because i can't decide if i want to start another one since i have down time" winchester

adam "does it have cool illustrations? no? fine, at least tell me the lore on boobries is correct" milligan

dean "what job has the least amount of reading?" winchester

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music:

eff. ing. adam. even in his own car (where, hey, the rules are driver picks the music dean!) he's only allowed a certain amount of time for his "whiny teenage garbage music" (thanks dean) before he has to change it to something a little more tolerable (rock, at the very least). heaven help him if he hints at something country with dean around. dean will be like, sit your ass down it's time for REAL music 101 and put on Metallica for the 8th time.

Who’s better with kids:

adam, with dean a very, very close second! so close, they probably tie. adam, early on, isn't good with anyone because fresh-out-of-the-cage (even post-institution for a bit) makes him kind of a hairs-breadth triggered bomb when it comes to people of all ages. but adam a bit more balanced? a natural. he grew up around extended family, friends, wanted kids of his own someday.

sam, however, is the absolute worst. a pure disaster moron in this arena. when adam is de-aged? dean didn't think it was possible for sam to suck so much at something. (don't worry, the boy found his bearings. but oh man...the road to get there, paved with more potholes than road.) BUT when sam really tries? like if he lets himself relax and lowers his inhibitions, he can do pretty well. but he's mostly just Highly Uncomfortable around kids, and like, it Shows.

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house:

dean. put that boy in the garage, under the hood of a car, great. can do it all. put that boy in front of a little home repair? renovation? by god he'll figure it out. and he won't put a hole in the wall shut up sammy. he takes pride in the upkeep of the bunker.

sam, however, is much more content to just be like ah man i wish we had a shelf here. or, oh right we need to remember to do xyz and then sit back and wait for it to Magically Take Care of Itself.

Who’s got the weirdest hobby:

hobby? what the hell is that? a homeless person?

Who cooks and who cleans up:

dean cooks, sam cleans. adam cooks, sam and dean will rock-paper-scissors for cleanup. or leave adam to do it. sam is never allowed to cook. he's a horrible cook. they'd literally rather eat out than let sam cook. sam, of course, is highly insulted, but also like...he knows dean & adam are better cooks. they just are. yes, fine, he'll wash the dishes again.

every now and then he gives it a shot. surprisingly he makes really good pancakes. he'll cook just to force one of the others to have to cleanup when he's tired of being on dish duty. dean & adam are not impressed when he tries to leverage sandwiches for dish duty.

sam, somewhat sloshed on a saturday night will be like, guys! guys! hey why don't i make us food and dean and adam are like, duuuuuude. ...wait, no. sam- and he's like, no, guys, i got this, and brings them microwave burritos. and THEN they're like hey! no! this does NOT mean we're doing dishes!

[flameontheotherside]

Interview with Autumn Wells

Today I reached out to Autumn for a little interview about her experience with her TF in spirit, Jimi Hendrix. 

Me: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. For my readers, I thought it would be nice for them to get to know you a little bit especially if you are planning to contribute by submitting your input here on this very blog. I think we all appreciate you sharing your story and that it’s exciting to meet yet another “spiritual widow”.  You would be the 4th one I’ve met with a TF inspirit who was a musician! 

This experience can be difficult but of course has its rewards as we learn and grow from this. It’s great and comforting to know you’re not alone. This was something Erik stressed to me all last month while I wasn’t feeling my best. So I really don’t feel you reaching out when you did was in any way a coincidence. There’s no doubt also that Jimi Hendrix is a legend who inspired many and had an amazing talent. 

Autumn: Thank you so much for interviewing me. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoy the blog! It's funny, but when many people describe how it is to hear Jimi Hendrix play for the first time, they're blown away, too! :)

Me: Where are you from? Are you American?

Autumn: I come from the USA, and I'm a young African-American woman in my twenties. I like to create art, stories, and other artistic projects. Jimi is African-American, too. We both come from mixed backgrounds, with Native American and European ancestors in our backgrounds, too, but our African roots are the strongest.

Me: Are you spiritual or religious?

Autumn: I consider myself more spiritual rather than religious. I do learn a lot of wisdom from different religions, but I don't follow any one religion in particular. I believe in God, through Jesus Christ, but I'm open to shamanic wisdom and many other cultures as well.

Me: I think most of us have a level of intuitiveness. Do you have intuitive or psychic gifts?

Autumn: Yes, I have intuitive and psychic gifts. I've always sensed people's emotions ever since I was little, and the psychic gifts grew stronger as I grew older. They became stronger because of my experience with Jimi's spirit, too. I can type down Jimi's thoughts when he wants to talk and share something with the world. I can also communicate with deceased relatives and other loved ones. Sometimes I sense the emotions of people who are alive on the earth, too. I've had moments where I can psychically detect knowledge about people without really knowing them.

Me: What is Jimi like?

Autumn: Jimi is a sweetheart, really. His personality is the same as it was when he was on the earth. Although he was really flashy on the stage, off the stage he was quiet and so shy. That surprised me in the beginning, because I didn't realize how quiet he was as a person, but the way he is to me is the way he was to many people on the earth - gentle, shy, and loving. He is very intelligent, and he still thinks and dreams in visions, as he did on the earth. He can be romantic, but most of all, he's unconditionally loving.

Me: How do you both communicate?

Autumn: I communicate with Jimi through telepathy, and I often see him with my eyes, too. He can affect my physical reality at times, but not always. For instance, he may draw me to him without me doing anything to move closer to him.

Me: How would you describe your relationship? For instance Erik can be in spirit guide mode which is serious and sometimes we can be friends and more.

Autumn: Yes, Jimi is like a spirit guide, and recently, well... he asked me to be his wife. I was so shocked! :) I didn't expect him to do that. In the past, we've spent many different periods where we were sometimes friends, and other times he was more like a guardian angel. There were also times when we developed a romantic relationship, and we would feel like husband and wife, but Jimi also sometimes would withdraw from my life if he felt I needed to have new experiences on the earth. So for us, we've experienced many different kinds of love on our journey, but right now, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, after nearly fainting, haha.

Me: How does Jimi appear to you?

Autumn: Jimi looks the way he did on the earth, and he usually looks very young. He has beautiful brown eyes and a kind smile, and he's about 5.11. He wears colorful clothes and sometimes brings his guitar with him. He still loves to play in the afterlife. Here's a picture of Jimi, I think there's no copyright on it:

Me: Telling someone about this can be hard. Did you have problems explaining to anyone close to you?

Autumn: I did try to tell my mother about Jimi and the experiences I had with him, but it didn't really turn out well. At first, she seemed to believe me, and she even said I was lucky. But then she started to doubt me because she didn't see Jimi the way I did, so she thought maybe I was making it all up because I was just a teenager. My Dad figured it was just my subconscious mind, although it was harder and harder for me to believe it was my subconscious when I started seeing Jimi while I was awake. My mom and dad's disbelief did make this journey very challenging because I had no one I could really turn to. I was not on the internet at the time, so I couldn't reach out to anyone who had a similar experience. The best I could do was keep it to myself, but I trusted in Jimi, and I read all I could about Native American spirituality, and how the Native Americans believed they had guiding spirits to help them in life. That helped me out a bit.

Ironically, though, during the accident incident where I had the near-death vision, my Dad was actually present when he saw me speaking to Jimi in the state I was in. I saw Jimi, and felt him so strongly, even though I was malnourished and in very bad shape. I had no clue I was about to go, because I didn't realize how sick I was, but I knew Jimi, so when I saw him, I had this blissful smile on my face and felt I was in heaven. I saw another deceased relative, too, who had just passed away. When my Dad asked me, "Are you in heaven?" I turned to him and said with tears of joy, "I love you so much, Jimi!" My Dad was shocked, and he said, "Now I know you're in heaven," because he always believed Jimi went to heaven after he passed away at 27 (in 1970). But I think even witnessing that moment I had with Jimi might have been too much for my Dad to comprehend.

Me: What can you tell us about your past lives? 

Autumn: Anyway, about past lives, that's an interesting question, because recently I asked Jimi if we shared any lifetimes together. He told me he didn't want to overwhelm me with too much information, but he did say that we shared a past life in England in the 19th century. He said we had several other lifetimes together, too, but he wanted to start with one at the time. It's really intriguing because I didn't know much at all about England in the 19th century, and Jimi told me about a very detailed experience about his life as a music teacher back then. It turns out that everything he told me, when I searched for the historical context, matches up with that time. I'll write about it on my blog eventually, but yes, this is the first past life we are working on. I don't exactly know how many past lives we've had, but I'm sure Jimi will share more when the time is right. (Jimi loved England in his last lifetime, too; that's where he felt really at home.)

I was a skeptic about reincarnation for the longest, but the evidence has led me to believe it's a reality. There is so much pointing to the fact that we've come to this earth before, and I've had that feeling myself.

Me: We have a twin flame (or spirit spouse) who isn’t living. Most of us have never gotten to meet or be with our counterparts while they were alive. So, it can be difficult. What is the hardest thing about having this experience?

Autumn: I'd say the hardest thing about having this experience, as beautiful as it is, is that most of the loved ones and people around me don't really understand it. I tried to open up about it in the past, but it didn't go over well, so I just keep it to myself. I hope that one day, I can integrate this experience into my life more fully, but right now, I just keep most of the details to myself in my everyday life, and try to find a balance.

Another hard thing in the beginning was dealing with the fact that Jimi died young, and tragically. That really hurt my heart, especially as a child. I just couldn't believe it. I kept asking my Dad, "Why? Why?" because I just couldn't understand why Jimi had to pass on when he was only 27. It took me a long time to accept that he was in the afterlife, but it really helped me when he came to me and told me he was at peace, and he came to me because he loved me, not because he felt haunted.

Me: What are some important things you’ve learned being Jimi’s TF?

Autumn: There are many important things I've learned from this experience, though, and the main thing is learning to trust in God, myself, and Jimi. I've had trust issues throughout my life, to the point where I didn't know if I could even trust Jimi or not, but he helped me to love myself, and love him, too. He showed me unconditional love which really helped to heal my heart, and he was there to guide me through some really difficult times in my life. He also brought me closer to God, who I love, too.

Me: How often do you communicate with each other?

Autumn: Jimi and I talk quite a bit, depending on the flow of my life. Sometimes I spend a lot of time studying, so we don't talk as much (I really need to set aside more talking time!) but I can always feel him near me. Early on, we spoke nearly all the time, and I'd write down a lot of our conversations. That helped me connect a lot of dots later on.

Me: What are some funny or good moments you’ve had?

Autumn: I think there were a few funny moments between us sometimes, but mostly Jimi's pretty serious. But he's serious in a light way, if you know what I mean. He's often smiling and telling me stories about his life on the earth, and he helps children a lot in the afterlife.

Me: Like physical twins (I have a twin brother btw), twin flames or twin souls aren’t always alike. In what ways are you alike? Different?

Autumn: I agree that twin souls don't have to be exactly alike. With Jimi and me, we do happen to be amazingly similar, although we have some differences. We both look similar, especially in the eyes, although we don't look exactly the same. We share a deep interest in spirituality, God, and the afterlife, and neither of us believe in organized religion. We love music and the creative arts, although I tend to get more addicted to writing, and Jimi's addiction was music.

We both experienced ESP and psychic phenomena during our lives on the earth; Jimi said in the 1960's that he saw the spirit of Handel while he was living in the composer's home (you can look it up on the internet if you like, it's really interesting!) He also believed his mother, who passed on at a young age, was watching over him in spirit.

We both have the tendency to be nervous perfectionists with our creative arts. I used to feel kind of bad about driving the people crazy around me with my "everything must be perfect" tendencies, until I found Jimi was the same way. :)

We have a ton more things in common, but we also have a few differences. I'm deeper into writing, while Jimi is more into music. But a lot of our differences are more like different sides of the same coin. For instance, we both grew up in blended families, but the blended family for Jimi came later in his life, when his father remarried, whereas I grew up in a blended family (although I didn't always spend time with my older half-siblings).

Considering that Jimi and I never met on the earth, and he lived and passed on before I was born, it's amazing how our lives and personalities parallel each other. Many of the parallels I didn't even know about until I got older and could get on the internet to research.

Me: How do you think you’d be together if he were alive or reincarnated now as your significant other?

Autumn: I think my life would be different in some ways if Jimi were incarnated as someone else. I used to wish I'd meet a guy like Jimi one day, but I knew it was hopeless because no one else is Jimi, unless he came to the earth again, of course. I do think it's good that Jimi is in spirit, though, because the way my family life is, we probably wouldn't spend much time together if he were incarnate. I don't get into the outside world that much.

If Jimi were incarnated with me, I do think it might work out, but he would have to be free from many of the things which led to him passing away so young. Drugs, for instance, were a problem Jimi dealt with, as well as ruthless people in the music business who took advantage of him. I do believe that in spirit, he has much less to worry about, and that has really helped both of us. So although it would be wonderful to have Jimi physically here with me, I also know that it's best that we connected in this way, because he's in the peace and love of the afterlife. I also think that having Jimi as a spirit guide and partner is wonderful because he can be with me wherever I go in the world, and we don't have physical distance separating us. Sometimes I do long to be where he is, though, in the afterlife. One day, I'll be with him for all time, God willing.

Well, that's it for now! Thanks for asking the really good questions.

Me: Thank you for answering and thank you especially for reaching out and sharing us your story! 

If you guys who are following me or stumbling on this, want to know more about Autumn Wells and her amazing story about being Jimi Hendrix’s twin soul, you can find her blog at:

https://jimiheaven.gonevis.com/

She will also be guest posting here as well so watch out for her content. You can see all her submissions with the tag: #Autumn Wells <--Click that link for the goods!

[the-lewdest-concubine]

How do you manage your schizophrenia? If you don't mind me asking ofc. Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable. (:

Nah bro.  It’s 100% okay.  I tend to be fully open about this online because its a condition that scares a lot of people...because they don’t fucking know what it actually entails...or they don’t understand that you CAN in fact live a normal life with “serious” mental illness in many cases.  But like, if you don’t talk about it...then people stay fearful and uneducated.  And LMAO...I don’t take shit from anyone.

I'm technically Schizoaffective, which is like the diagnosis of schizophrenia plus a diagnosis of bipolar...so it's a little different than someone who is only schizophrenic. But like I'm very torn on this issue.  

The more I tend to read studies and what not, the more I find that schizophrenia/schizoaffective tends to look a lot different between males and females--so females tend to present with mood problems earlier in life that are negative symptoms--meaning something is taken away (depression, blunted affect, withdrawal from life, etc), whereas males tend to present first with positive symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices) and receive a schizophrenia diagnosis right away, regardless of whether their mood is affected.  Hence the literature tends to say that males develop the disorder earlier (late teens-early 20′s) and females develop it later (late 20′s-early 30′s).

So like me, I was first diagnosed with depression, then psychotic depression, then bipolar, then schizoaffective once I could prove that I had psychotic symptoms outside of an extreme mood.  It seems like the older I got (and thus the longer I went untreated), the more symptoms I had, until I could pretty much write down that I experience every single symptom of schizophrenia that exists in the DSMV. I really wonder what would have happened if my initial signs of depression and what I call my "sterile mind" allowed me to be considered a possible "future schizophrenic"...and then if I'd been given medications early on, if I'd have progressed into what I now live with.  Especially since no matter what I took, those traits would get “better” but I’d never actually recover.

But I generally control mine with daily medicine. In the morning I take Wellbutrin (an NDRI) and Vybriid (an SNRI) to manage the mood symptoms. Without these medicines, even just not taking them for a day, I will start randomly crying, refuse to go outside, not talk to people, and feel basically like a dried up husk inside...even though outwardly I appear to be showing emotion. Like its super weird...I'll be either crying or incredibly irritable and agitated...but my brain feels blank inside. No feelings, no thoughts...just annoyance in the fact that my body is just expressing stuff that I don't really actually feel, lol. At night, I take my antipsychotic which right now is Latuda, which is a 2nd gen medicine falling into the category of neuroleptics.

I also go to therapy every Tuesday...which like, it used to exist to try and help me deal with my anxiety and depression aspects of working again after being on disability so long. But honestly, since it took a decade of medication trial and error to both find a diagnosis and get proper treatment...my biggest problem was just the fact that I essentially had a decade of my life stolen that most people use to build themselves. All of my friends were working full time jobs and had been for like 5 years. They were buying houses, and having retirement funds. Some were having children--others said no to kids but traveled the world. Like it was like the world around me had gone on and I'd been frozen in suffering, unable to progress from essentially being 18 to being 28 when I got the correct diagnosis. I have missing memories from periods of cognitive pseudodementia that constitute years of time that other people have built lives from. And being that age and having nothing to have or say for myself for a decade other than "I survived, didn't kill myself, I cry less, and I only remember about 3 out of the last 10 years" was just kind of hard to swallow compared to what was expected of someone my age and socioeconomic class and education. THAT is what I needed to uncover and process before I could move on and function well in the world.

Other things that help me are getting regular sleep. One of my old medications (Geodon) gave me brain damage and ruined my ability to regulate sleep/wake...so I ended up developing narcolepsy when I was around 25. So the bugaboo there is that without medication to treat that, I'll be exhausted all day, but when I do sleep, it's very light/not deep and restful. So I do have some medicines that regulate that--Nuvigil allows me to stay alert during the day, and I either take melatonin at night or Lunesta if I truly cannot sleep.

Any anxiety that I have, which tends to be exacerbated by psychosis (I mean you try lying in bed and hearing some strange lady screaming in your room with nobody there to be found, or suddenly believing that people on the radio are playing songs with lyrics that are talking about you, or watching strange creatures or corpses pop into existence in your livingroom) I treat with the drug Klonopin, which is a benzodiazapine. Lol, like it's amazing how much psychosis can progress if you have nothing to stop the feelings of anxiety, when your brain that already isn't thinking correctly, then drives itself further into places with NO rational thoughts. Like only when I'm relaxed and calm can I be like "gee...it makes zero sense that a mythical being is standing in my living room--perhaps it’s not actually real?”So yeah...medication and coping strategies is the short answer. TL;DR is above.

But thank you.  I hope this gives some insight into what living with this sort of thing is like.  I may write the madness espada...but I’m in much much better shape.   

[aish-rai]

I don't mean to trigger you or add fuel to the fire but I wanted to share with you, that for the people who just aren't grasping why what Ansari did was completely non-consentual theres this article from vice in which the author talks about how at first she didn't seem to understand the severity of this situation because it's such a common thing some women experience-- being pressured into having sex when they clearly don't want to, when they have not given consent, their body language is static

I really do appreciate your sensitivity in how you’ve approached this topic, and I’ll answer as best I can, but this is the last time I want to talk about Aziz Ansari and this entire incident (because by this point I’ll have said I’ll have to say and it’s exhausting beating a dead horse).

Part of the reason people are having so much trouble wrapping their head around this being predatory/maybe even assault is because it’s happened to almost every woman and almost every man has behaved similarly. The fact that it’s common does not excuse it, though. We need to move beyond the idea that rape/assault is a woman screaming NO and running out, that consent is the absence of a “no” instead of the presence of an enthusiastic “yes”, that non-verbal cues are not just as valid as verbal ones. It’s a very important conversation to be having right now, but we won’t get anywhere if we’re hung up on why the girl went back to his apartment or why she consented to some acts of intimacy but not others. Those things don’t matter, they’re akin to asking what she was wearing.

The first thing I’d really like to address is the incorrect notion that Aziz was not told verbally, more than once, to back off. The girl told him she felt forced, she told him she was uncomfortable, she told him he was going too fast. And even after this (and adding to it all her non-verbal cues like repeatedly moving away from him or withdrawing physically and mentally), he continued to periodically grab her hand and move it toward his penis, to ask for oral sex, to stick his fingers in her mouth and to try to remove her pants. He was told explicitly that she felt forced, and that she was uncomfortable, and to be honest that’s worse than a simple “no”. If someone tell you no, they mean they don’t want to do it. If someone tells you they feel like you’re forcing them, it means they don’t want to do it AND you’re behaving so aggressively that they feel like you’re leaving them with no choice.

And that is why we can absolutely accuse Aziz of being deliberately predatory. This is not some ignorant yokel we’re talking about, Aziz has built a career on social awareness and the politics of sex, dating, and consent. He knows where the line is, and he should/has to know when he’s crossed it. My guess is that, like most men who employ these tactics, the hope was he’d wear her down to the point where she’d eventually consent (and this worked, to some extent, since he did get her to perform oral sex on him). But that is STILL a form of assault. Is it as willfully violent as someone physically forcing themselves upon a person? No, it’s not, but that doesn’t make what happened consensual. It’s a form of psychological violence designed to wear women down to the point where they feel too cornered to object. 

The problem with reaching a consensus is that accepting this as a violation at best and a form of assault at worst means that most women (and many men, I’m sure) have to wrap their heads around the fact that if this is assault, everyone they know has been assaulted. And if you stop and really think about that, it turns your world upside down. It forces you to look back at all your sexual interactions and reexamine whether they were in fact consensual, and often you might come away feeling like they actually weren’t. It’s very painful, I can tell you from experience, to have put something away in a corner of your mind and to then be forced to unpack it and feel the rush of emotions that come from realizing you’d been harmed. Not everyone is ready to do that. Most women don’t want to be victims, and most men don’t want to think of themselves as perpetrators. But if we accept these facts, that means we can change. Because in cases like this, I don’t believe these men are irredeemably awful. They just need to be reconditioned when it comes to sexual interactions. What makes me less forgiving of Aziz is that he is more aware of these issues than other men, and when these allegations came to light, instead of even considering the possibility that he might have done harm, he doubled down on his innocence and refused to really address the way this girl felt. If you’re going to wear that Time’s Up pin and perform feminism, you need to walk the talk. And he didn’t. He absolutely didn’t.

The other component, of course, is that Aziz Ansari is someone that socially aware people actually like. If this were James Franco, or Mark Wahlberg, or Johnny Depp, or anyone else we saw as already problematic, we wouldn’t be making the same allowances. But that’s how “nice guys” get away with this behavior. We like them, we feel like they’re trustworthy, and so we give them the benefit of the doubt. We can’t keep doing that. I would this that if the Bill Cosby rape saga proved anything, it’s that public image is a facade and has no bearing on what someone is capable of behind the scenes.

What people are asking for here is accountability. They don’t want to destroy him and his career, they just want people to look at this incident as something that forces us to examine consent and gender roles more closely. They want him and men like him to make a commitment to do better, not shrug off the allegations as nothing more than “buyer’s remorse” (a disgusting term, by the way). They want this to spark a conversation that has nothing to do with why women go back to a man’s apartment, why they consent to some forms of intimacy but not others, why a woman would come forward with a story like this and lie about it for apparent “attention” (even though the story was told anonymously and the woman had nothing to gain by it). When you read this account, none of those things should be questioned. What we should be asking is, where are the boundaries and when have they been crossed? And if a woman feels like she’s been violated, does anyone have the right to tell her she hasn’t been? I don’t think that they do.

We have a lot of work to do as a society, and this could be a very profound teaching tool if we stopped questioning a woman’s truth and started simply listening and internalizing.

[stubert87]

I've spent some time wondering if coming back here to write something was too self indulgent at a time like this. But I'm going to start writing and if you're reading it then I got to the end, thought it was ok, and posted it.

I think it's fair to say that the nation's mental health, as a whole, is in somewhat of a state of flux at the minute. Our life as we have come to know it has been entirely disrupted, albeit temporarily. I've come back to this space to share some of my musings and offer support to anyone who's mental well-being has been affected since the threat of coronavirus has appeared. For many of us this may just be the most recent trigger in a series of major episodes of anxiety, low mood, etc. For others this may be the first experience of anxiety or any form of negative mental health. I hope this makes sense. Maybe even some of it may resonate.

I'm more than familiar with how isolated our thoughts can make us feel when we're in the midst of a low point. Add to that the very literal isolation that has been placed upon us through social distancing measures, and we have the recipe for a mental health crisis. But it isn't as bad as it sounds. In every new scenario and environment there is opportunity. We just have to be willing to see past the fear, and seize it.

There are some of us adept at change. There are some of us that aren't. I most certainly am not. I'm analytical and need order. I need time to digest my new environment, figure out how to exist within it, and then consciously marry up my strengths to this new situation, while guarding my vulnerabilities, until I establish a comfort zone. For those of us who aren't as fast paced as others when dealing with change, the entire situation is a wall of anxiety that seems insurmountable. We are paralysed by the overwhelming barrage of "what ifs" leading to "I can'ts" that lead to "I'm a failure" and there we have ourselves back on the edge of The Abyss, thinking that this is no way to live and pleading with the universe to make tomorrow better.

The insurmountable wall right now is made up of a combination of catastrophic thoughts that has the potential to cripple us. From worrying about the health of ourselves, our friends and families, to worrying how long this will last, and when we can see each other again, each question is a potential doorway to a 'corridor of catastrophising'. It's very easy to end up at very scary and upsetting conclusions, such as "I'm never going to see xyz again" or "I'm next". Very dark thoughts in an already dark time.

The process of breaking the cycle of worry is a lot greater than anything I can outline in this blog. There's a reason that forms of therapy last many sessions. But I'll try to pass on a few tips that have helped me over the years.

I like to think there's two places you can tackle your worry. If we use the analogy of the 'corridor of catastrophising', the door you walk through and into the corridor is the initial worry, the end of the corridor is the final conclusion you reach: a dead end is a total overwhelming negative thought, taking another door out of the corridor is us reaching a better conclusion.

The first way you can try to tackle your worry is at the start, by nipping it in the bud. When you open the door and see that "what if" worry, you can ask yourself is this normal worry, or excessive worry. If what you're thinking is something like "I'm worried about the wellbeing of my grandparents because they're vulnerable and isolating for 12 weeks" then this is a perfectly normal worry. Any human being would think this. You then need to make sure you follow up this thought with positive action and find one way to make the situation better. Using the grandparents example, can you set them up with video calling? Can you send them voice notes? Can you get them involved in distanced activities like a video chat quiz or look for events to take part in like the virtual grand national? Taking positive action will help remove the mental isolation and bring about a positive shift in mindset. And much like a negative mindset can spiral, a positive mindset can also gain momentum.

For some of us though this may be to little too late. We might have already walked down the dark corridor to it's gloomy and seemingly absolute end. And also for anyone who hasn't had to work at challenging their thought processes before, simply trying to nip it in the bud is a a lot to get to grips with straight away, and you could actually end up in a strange state of denial where you're pushing the thought away, only for it to come back with a vengeance. So we have to look at reframing our negative thoughts to help us back track and take another turn off the corridor.

The idea is to challenge the thought by asking yourself can I bring any evidence to back that thought up? Can I prove without any shadow of doubt that the thought I have is true? Using the example of grandparents again, it's easy to bring in evidence like "they're old and therefore high risk", "there's already been thousands of deaths". These are natural worries, but they're not concrete evidence to support a worst case scenario. If we try re-framing our thoughts more positively then the thoughts become less consuming and therefore allow us to think more rationally. "They're vulnerable" - correct, but they're shielding for 12 weeks in isolation to ensure the chances of infection are minimal. "There's already been thousands of deaths" - could be challenged by "yes but there's also plenty of cases of recovery and also so many that haven't been infected or shown symptoms. As long as we're all doing our part to stop the spread, we reduce the risk".

By challenging each negative thought we give ourselves chance to minimise their detrimental impact and make them more manageable and easy to digest. It takes a lot of practice but eventually you get quicker at managing these thoughts and you're quickly volleying them away before they can take hold.

Another problem many of us are now facing is the concept of managing our time in isolation so we're not climbing the walls. Not an easy task at all, but one the more analytical of us may find a bit easier. Iregardless it will take practice. It's easy to fall into bad habits when we have too much time to kill. For some of us we'll naturally fall into good habits because we're disciplined. For others amongst us structure and good routine maybe don't come so naturally. The best way to ensure we're getting the most out of our day is to spend up to a week documenting your activities and the mood you experienced while doing it, correlating what our mood was like to the activity and looking for patterns in the day to day, so that we can then start planning more activities that elevate our mood whilst balancing our necessary tasks that may not bring us so much comfort or joy. Sounds simple on paper but I can definitely attest to the fact that challenging your own behaviour and embedding change is never easy.

There are also so many of us who have anxious brains who've suddenly found that we're calmer than usual. That people around us seem more anxious than we are. It's an interesting phenomenon that I've recently found myself in and mused over this somewhat. Having pondered on it a while, I can only draw the conclusion that my mind is used to living in a state of abstract worry. By that I mean I'm worrying about what MIGHT happen, or rumenating on an incident that happened a week ago. None of this worry is in the present. And when you're suffering from a period of mental ill-health it feels almost possible to be present, grounded, and in the moment. But in this pandemic lies a very real, very present threat. One that means our lives are changing by the day. A threat that is very much making us exist in the present. Anyone who's ever been stuck in the rut if anxious thinking knows that when you snap out of it into the present moment, you're capable of thinking and rationalising and lightning speed. So if you're one of us who's found yourself much calmer than ever, make sure you're continuing to keep those positive actions going to build a positive resilience. Think about what you can do to help friends, family, colleagues and your community to keep us all afloat. Sometimes the people who've experienced the darkest of thoughts are the ones who can bring light to others dark times. If this is you, now's your time to shine.

The final key to it all is my age old advice. KEEP TALKING. The second you feel in a slump, pick up the phone and call someone. Video call them. Start a House Party. Never impose further isolation on yourself by withdrawing. On the opposite side, if you haven't heard from someone in a while then call them. Make whatever plans you can in this difficult time.

I think I've meandered on long enough. If you've made it this far, thank you. If you've found any of this thought provoking or even helpful please let me know. I've attached a link to some further reading on covid-19 and anxiety (if you have any reading left in you) I think it's pretty useful