#i don't get into crazy shit but the number of times some of my mutuals have remade?

[secundus-cinaedus]

i deserve to be on by pure association alone

Preparing the new blocklist

Send me suggestions with proof

[fereldanwench]

Questions for Writers

I was tagged by @corpocyborg! Thank you, bb!! ♡

Last book I read: I still haven't finished There's No Such Thing as an Easy Job Kikuko Tsumura I started back in January, lmao. Not for any reason other than I just haven't been in the right headspace to sit down and read for the past few months--What I have read of it is great, so hopefully, I can make the time to pick it up again.

Greatest literary inspirations: I like the female protags in Karin Slaughter novels, and I love Tanya Huff's Torin Kerr from her Confederation series--I'm sure they've inspired me on some level. Oh, and Phedre from Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel books, too, although it's been ages since I read those. But I think most of my inspiration actually comes from other forms of media. I love the action babes of the late 90s/early 00s: Lara Croft is the number one inspo here, and pretty much all of Michael Turner's comic girls but especially Sara from Witchblade. And I think Better Call Saul is easily one of the best-written shows ever made--That's one I always go back to when I feel like I need to refill the inspo well.

Things in my current fandoms I want to read but I don't want to write: I have a confession: I usually only read a ton of fic when I first get into a fandom and I can't get enough and I just want to soak it all up, but after a certain point, I just don't have a lot of headspace for other people's stories. 😬 I feel bad about it sometimes, and it's not like I never read anything after that point, but 90% of the time, what I wanna write is what I wanna read. It's kind of a closed loop, I guess.

Things in my current fandoms I want to write but I think nobody would be interested in them but me: Well, I'm not at all deterred by being the only person interested in something I write, haha. One of my favorite one-shots I've ever written is between my Cousland and Hawke meeting briefly at Ostagar, and it's probably my least popular fic on AO3 by a big margin. But I do like deep-diving into my own OCs, and it generally is harder to get an audience for fic that doesn't have canon characters. Ain't gonna stop me, though!

You can recognize my writing by: Lots of pining and banter; obvious thesaurus abuse

My most controversial take (current fandom): Yeah, no, not gonna be sharing my actual most controversial takes, lmao.

But I do also love the Devil ending! I don't think there's one objectively "best" ending--What's good for one V isn't necessarily good for another--But for my Valerie, it suited her story the best. I love the poetry of her going back to Arasaka after getting fired by them, I love storming Arasaka Tower with Goro, I love the conflict with Johnny, I love making Goro confront how fucked up the Arasakas are, I love the possibilities of Mikoshi--The only way it would have been better for me is if this nixed idea had actually been put into action.

And I wish we could roleplay a V that is actually more "pro"-corpo in the game, especially if we had the corpo lifepath. Sticking it to the man is sexy and all, but I just love delving into characters that align themselves with shitty institutions and exploring different motivations (I personally like cynical pragmatism/self-preservation and delusional idealism) that lead a person there.

Top three favorite tropes: 1) Rivals to friends to lovers 2) Mutual pining 3) Forced proximity

What’s your current writing mood (10 – super motivated and churning out words like crazy, 0 – in a complete rut): Like, 0.5, lmao. I've been rereading and organizing my WIPS, so there's some effort being put in there, but I'm very much in one of my "ummmm, how do I even write fiction?" phases.

Share a random frustration: I have ZERO discipline when it comes to writing. I need to be in a fully feral, totally isolated from distractions place or I just can't get shit done. When I'm in the zone, I'm in the fuckin' zone, but I get like 3 months of that every 5 years, lmao.

Tagging (with no pressure, as always) @ur-friendly-nbhd-cardassian, @dread-red-queen, @vorchagirl, and @aceghosts <333

[snwusberry]

pairing: multiple x fem!named reader

genre: fluff

warning(s): language, suggestive topics, fwb relationship, arguments between couples.

EPISODE 1

welcome back to berry tv's EX today we talk to camryn and three of her exes, choi san, choi yeonjun and jung wooyoung.

ex 1: choi yeonjun

ex 2: jung wooyoung

ex 3: choi san

crew behind camera: do you know why you're here?

yeonjun: i didn't read the whole email

wooyoung: yeah... i think

san: hmmm [he nods]

[the camera cuts to camryn who is smiling]

crew: we've got three of your exes here.

camryn: shut up, no you don't.

🫐

DO YOU REMEMBER CAMRYN?

yeonjun: oh lord.

wooyoung: man, how could i forget?

san: of course i remember her.

"LETS START WITH SOME BASIC QUESTIONS"

yeonjun: let's go

Q: WHAT'S CAMRYN'S TYPE?

yeonjun: me

wooyoung: someone who will match her energy. aka me.

san: someone fun, soft, caring, handsome, good in bed...

[camera cuts him off mid answer to show camryn.]

camryn: i don't think i have a type.

[screen cuts back to san who's still listing things.]

crew: you describing yourself aren't you?

san: of course not.

crew: you most definitely are.

san: i plead the fifth.

🫐

crew: you most definitely do.

camryn: i know nothing about that lifestyle because that's not me.

[the crew behind the camera laughs at her mini monolog.]

Q: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF HER WHEN YOU FIRST MET HER?

yeonjun: hard headed...in a good way. [he screeches the back of his neck, looking at the camera crew.] she's not watching, is she?

[they all shake their heads which makes yeonjun let out a relieved sigh.]

yeonjun: oh thank goodness.

wooyoung: smartass.

san: sassy.

crew: is she?

san: very.

Q: HOW DID YOU GUYS START DATING?

yeonjun: we had a mutual friend and we started hanging out often and then we both drunkenly confessed to each other.

wooyoung: we met on a blind date and hit it off.

san: we broke the universal rule number one between friends with benefits.

🫐

crew: you were friends with benefits with san?

camryn: yeah, it was a crazy time, holy shit. [she starts fanning herself with her hands.] is it hot in here?

Q: HOW DID THINGS END BETWEEN YOU TWO?

yeonjun: gosh it was messy. we just stopped getting along which eventually lead to us angrily ending our relationship.

wooyoung: we're too alike so we bumped heads often.

🫐

camryn: one thing about wooyoung and i, we kept it real, even with each other. yeah that didn't work out.

🫐

san: we had issues communicating with each other, never really spoke things out so all the unresolved tension built up and became unbearable.

Q: HOW LONG WAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CAMRYN?

yeonjun: like 10 months

wooyoung: a year.

san: are we counting the entirety of it or just our little romance story?

crew: everything.

san: 3 years.

crew: how long did you date?

san: no [he laughs making everyone else in the room laugh.]

🫐

crew: how long were you and san together?

camryn: oh... [she awkwardly laughs, running her hand down her one arm] we were fuck buddies for like 2 years, during that, we took a break and i dated yeonjun but then we broke up and i went back to san and we started dating like 5 months after. i'd say we dated for a year and a bit.

🫐

crew: that was just a warm up.

yeonjun: how fun. [he has his head facing the ground as he scratches his eyebrow with his pinky]

camryn: y'all already got me sharing the details of my relationships, what do you mean just a warm up?

"LETS DO SOME TRIVIA TO SEE WHO KNOWS HER BEST."

wooyoung: you guys are trying to set me up we dated like 5 years ago.

🫐

crew: who'll do the best here?

me: i'm keeping my expectations low for all of them.

🫐

Q: WHAT'S HER FAVORITE COLOR?

yeonjun: damn, like orange or some shit?

wooyoung: she liked pink.

san: her gay ass likes pink white and orange.

[crew laughs, putting a smile on san's face.]

camryn: pink and orange. they're so pretty together.

Q: WHAT WAS HER FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?

yeonjun: my height. for some reason she was crazy about it.

camryn: my favorite thing about yeonjun was his attentiveness. nothing got past him i swear.

crew: he's a tall man.

[camryn smiles, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, only thing is, her hair is completely out her face.]

camryn: listen...

🫐

wooyoung: my sense of humor, i think.

camryn: with wooyoung, you either get it or you don't. i definitely got it. his whole vibe was just everything, i loved spending time with him.

🫐

san: my dimples. she always stuck her finger in them whenever i smiled.

camryn: his dimples are so cute. like i am obsessed with them.

crew: am?

camryn: hear what you wanna, i said nothing of the sort.

Q: WHAT'S HER BIGGEST RED FLAG?

yeonjun: she never took no for an answer. it was her way or the highway.

wooyoung: white noise scares her.

crew: what?

wooyoung: i don't know either man.

san: she's too stubborn to the point where it gets overbearing.

camryn: i get controlling sometimes.

crew: wooyoung said you're scared of white noi-

camryn: he's a liar, don't believe anything he says.

crew: you answered that very quickly.

[she just shakes her head with her eyes closed.]

camryn: actually, let's go to the next question.

Q: WHO FELL FIRST?

yeonjun: me. it's insane how whipped i was so for her holy fucking shit.

camryn: a hundred million percent him, no questions asked.

[screen cuts back to yeonjun.]

crew: how whipped were you for her?

yeonjun: you trying to ruin my street cred?

wooyoung: her.

camryn: him.

crew: you lying?

[camryn nods quietly.]

🫐

san: i'm not quite sure honestly, all i know is she made the first mood.

camryn: i liked him looong before our little arrangement.

[screen cuts to camryn who's looking at the crew as they ask her questions.]

crew: who do you think did best?

camryn: san? it has to be san, i spent most time with him.

crew: yeah it's san.

camryn: always knew he was obsessed with me.

[cuts to san]

crew: you're the one who knows her best.

san: i mean... come on.

"HOLD ON, WE'VE GOT GOT SOME EXTRA QUESTIONS"

Q: WHAT WAS HER CONTACT NAME ON YOUR PHONE?

yeonjun: wait let me check.

crew: drama, are you guys still in contact?

yeonjun: yeah she calls me for... stuff.

crew: drugs?

yeonjun: what?

[the camera crew laughs at yeonjun's facial expression from the question.]

wooyoung: camie with a heart.

san: haha [he starts actually laughing, his body completely going out of frame.]

crew: what did san save you as?

camryn: you you like crepe cakes? i love crepe cakes.

crew: you both won't tell us?

camryn: it's uhh. my baby sister is watching, i can't say [she takes a sip from the water bottle that's there on the table next to her.]

crew: you got a baby sister?

[camryn shakes her head, still with water in her mouth.]

🫐

yeonjun: i saved her as mama.

crew: elaborate?

yeonjun: it's something i called her a lot as a joke and it just stuck.

Q: WOULD YOU GIVE HER THE AUX IN YOUR CAR.

yeonjun: camryn, lots of love and everything but hell no.

wooyoung: no. respectfully

san: that girl listens to like skrillex and video game soundtracks. some crazy shit like that, no thanks.

crew: they all said no.

camryn: they just don't get it. get well soon to all of them.

Q: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RECONNECT OR GET BACK TOGETHER WITH CAMRYN?

yeonjun: it's a pretty delicate situation honestly.

crew: just say you fucking and move on.

[yeonjun covers his mouth with his hand amd turns away from the camera.]

wooyoung: oh i definitely would. we've both grown since we broke up so reconnecting with her would be great.

san: we still talk, we just don't talk like we used to. getting into an exclusive relationship really changed our dynamic so things aren't quite the same as they used to be.

"WE HAVE A FEW CLOSING QUESTIONS FOR CAMRYN"

camryn: shoot

Q: WHAT DID SAN SAVE YOUR NUMBER AS?

camryn: no wait, i think we're done here.

Q: WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE OUT OF ALL OF THEM?

camryn: do i have one?

Q: WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU WANNA SAY TO THEIR FUTURE PARTNERS?

camryn: you lucky ass motherfuckers. treat them right because losing such amazing people is going to hurt a lot more than you'd think. trust me i done that three times already.

great, that's all the time we have today.

camryn: oh already?

crew: mhmm, all good things come to an end.

camryn: funny you're saying that after the interview we just had.

BEHIND THE SCENES CLIPS

[camryn sits in her seat as the interview wraps up when the three men sneak in behind her. she's talking to the crew, still clueless to what's going on behind her until wooyoung scares her from behind, earning a scream from her.]

camryn: holy shit i almost met my ancestors.

[the crew laughs along with the three men that camryn is now facing.]

camryn: you're all laughing now, yeonjun, my therapist knows your name.

yeonjun: woah. what?

[startersword]

So here are my thoughts. Number one, it's concerning how you people talk too comfortably to EVERYONE on this platform. Example: that post about text boxes on uquizzes where that person confessed to telling people to kill themselves in them...? You're weird for doing that and that's not as funny or quirky as you think it is. It just makes you look weird and kinda creepy. And it's weird that people find that funny...I think a lot of you become detached to some extent after being on here for so long, and that to me is very sad. You know the people that aren't your mutuals are indeed real people, right? You don't need to be an ~empath~ to interact normally with others. I'm starting to think we need to go back to elementary school with the whole "treat others how you want to be treated" rule.

Number two, it's also very scary how comfortable y'all are with just like. Lying. I don't know how to explain it. Like I've seen posts, screenshots, videos, etc., where people create these entire stories that are either like "wow! Crazy fun fact! Did you know xyz? I bet you did. I'm lying lol" or "Here's this really crazy story about me/someone I know/a celebrity/an influencer. I'm lying btw I don't know them/that didn't happen but I bet I got you didn't I". That's ALSO not as funny as you think it is and you need to stop enabling this behavior bc lying can become compulsive and that shit can end up being detrimental. Also, depending on what that person is lying about, you could be:

1: Spreading misinformation about people/situations/genuine problems

2: You could trigger someone's unreality, paranoia, etc.

3: You're being an asshole to people who have a hard time picking apart jokes from sarcasm/can't understand what's actually true or not. Also you're just being an asshole, period.

Anyway I'm gonna get off my soap box now. You guys are weird. Be nicer to people, get help, go outside.

[imightgetbetter]

i need some friendship advice….so my best friend is a bad texter (like really bad) she won’t reply for weeks and only responds when she’s at work (we work at the same place but different departments). I’ve talked to her about it and how it makes me feel like she doesn’t care about me or our friendship, it’s started to feel one sided. I’ve tried to not reach out as much and not answer her right away but i don’t know what to do anymore. I know she’s had bad days and can’t get out of bed but she prioritizes other things such as smoking weed and responding to a group chat we’re in. I just feel like i’m giving all of me and getting nothing in return. I don’t want to stop being her friend but I don’t know how much more I can give. I’ve tried to lower my expectations and tell myself to not rely on her for anything but I don’t have anyone else

hi friend. here are our thoughts:

bestie: Okay, this is going to come from someone who has 589 unopened text messages on their phone right now. So first off lemme start off with the simple fact that I HATE texting. The number one reason why being that I'd rather talk to someone and be able to actually fully focus on them and the conversation we're having vs texting them while I'm in the middle of my day having to focus on other tasks at hand. Examples being of running errands or dealing with craziness at work. I want the person I'm talking conversing to know that they have my attention, instead of me giving a lazy half-assed response because I'm pulling my phone out to message someone back while I'm in the middle of trying to make dinner or trying to problem solve at work. NOW, there is a second portion as to why I don't like texting and am so terrible at opening and responding. I am interacting with people and talking to people and around other people, about 14-18 hours a day give or take, and I am considered the extrovert out of our friends, but truly sometimes I just can't even try and force myself to socialize with people via a phone screen. I'll be honest and vulnerable on here and admit that I have been through some shit that has resulted in terrible episodes of depression and during these episodes, it is extremely hard to not only put on a fake smile and socialize with people at work because I literally have to in order to make money and pay bills, but to also do so during MY time with others. It doesn't matter if it's my best friend or a family member, somedays I really truly just can not respond to. I'm sorry you feel like the friendship is one-sided because I've also been in situations similar to yourself, and it hurts but sometimes you just have to stop and let them take care of themselves before you can mutually work on the friendship. Someone said something to me a long time ago and I've tried to carry it with me 'I can't care for or take care of others until I've taken care of myself.'. It almost sounds like that may be what your friend needs to do, take care of themselves and then work on the friendship with you. At the end of the day sadly you may lose a friend or become distant for a while, but I can guarantee that something good will come out of it. Whether that be that this friendship flourishes later down the road, or a new friendship happens with something else. The other thing to keep in mind is that sometimes we grow out of relationships and it can be difficult for one to express their thoughts or emotions to the other. My advice is to just have grace with this person, if you feel like a confrontation needs to happen for you to gain closure, great. If you feel like you need to just slowly let it fizzle out and end on its own, great. At the end of the day you are the only person who knows what it is that you need to do.

me: honestly, i am a really big communicator. i want to talk to my friends all the time, and the reason bestie and i talk so much is mainly because we live together, but before that, we had to make facetimes work and whatnot because she hates texting. i have a lot of friends that don't text, and it took me a very long time to figure out how to come to terms with the fact that everyone is a different communicator. but that's really what it comes down to. everyone communicates differently and you may need more communication. there have been people where i've said, this hurts me! i wish we talked more! and they express that they can't speak or they don't have the energy or whatever the case may be, and that doesn't mean they don't care (not playing devil's advocate but, this is my experience), they just can't right now. i think what you really need to do is take a step back and think about what you want in your friendships and what you can give! you can't give all of you, baby. you deserve to have that effort given back to you, and you will find people that do that. i have so many different friends now! friends i talk to every day, friends i talk to once a month. they're still your friend if they invest in you, but some people just can't invest every single day. i genuinely want the best for you and i think you are so sweet and you deserve to have all the best things with your friendships. i think maybe taking a step back and sitting with yourself and understanding what you can and cannot take is important here. self-reflection and understanding is the best thing you can give yourself at this time.

[papirouge]

….comparing some Israelis being racist pieces of s*** with the Arab worlds history of colonizing and enslaving the African continent definitely is a choice lmao. Esp everyone who wants to emphasize the former and how evil (((they))) are and no one talks about the insane massive continuing impact of the later

I know this might sound like a groundbreaking concept to you, but racist/xenophobic/racial supremacist Israelis being pieces of shit isn't a mutually exclusive concept to acknowledging that Muslims/Arabs can be racist against Blacks. The Coran itself condone slavery for Black and I as a Christian I always found CRAZY that Black people could be Muslim, but it still doesn't mean Muslim should be continuously disrespect and constantly pointed out as the plague of humankind. This whataboutism is getting real tired and it's about time you realize how stale this tactic has become.

You know what pisses me off so bad with people like you, is that you don't even give a crap about slavery against Black people like that. You are like those moids who suddenly care about rape when it's non White men or an immigrant assaulting a white woman - every other time they turn the head the other direction of blame "woke" anti men feminists. You only love puling out that card out whenever Black people express solidarity for Arab/Muslim people for any matter and desperately grasp at straw to break off this solidarity. Black people who've been victims of Arab slavery and still struggle with anti Black racism from Arabs don't need hypocrite twats like you with faux concern to defend them. They already do, and way before you jumped on that strategy to "own" Blacks remotely compassionate with Arabs.

And you know what else is a choice? Sterilizing Black women (falashas) like Israel did a few years back. Didn't Israelis have a choice to *not* call African "slaves" the moment South Africa filed a report against Israel genocide before the ICJ

Don't EVER TRY to whiteknight Israel using the Arab slavery excuse when JEWS THEMSELVES OWNED SLAVES. Even Jewish sources admit it but in a very techouva fashion they try to spin it à la "but at LeaSt we DidnT coNtrol the sLave tRade uwu" AS IF IT MADE A DIFFERENCE. Those ghouls still used Black people as slaves - like that Arabs you somehow wanna solely wanna condemn for :

"A number of wealthy Jews were also involved in the slave trade in the Americas, some as shipowners who imported slaves and others as agents who resold them. In the United States, Isaac Da Costa of Charleston, David Franks of Philadelphia and Aaron Lopez of Newport, Rhode Island, are among the early American Jews who were prominent in the importation and sale of African slaves. In addition, some Jews were involved in the trade in various European Caribbean colonies. Alexandre Lindo, a French-born Jew who became a wealthy merchant in Jamaica in the late 18th century, was a major seller of slaves on the island."

You absolute moron : YOU WERE ALL IN THIS. So Arabs, Whites and Jews should stop Spiderman meme'ing each other trying to act like the other did worse to Black people. You are ALL awful and all owe us an apology for your respective crime against us. Until you do, I advise you to shut up forever and never have the audacity to use your filthy claws to write nonsense in my inbox.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary51

11/1-2/2023

wednesday - thursday

today sucked but that's okayyy.

not really but whatever. it's not because errands themselves were stressful. but first i should list off positives of the day, i made a guitar sound just now, it's crazy feedback freakshit, really cool to me, kind of really gets the pv stuff down too, which is mental. i recorded vocals and re-wrote lyrics for that song, and i'm sure i'll need to go back in, but it's huge to have that idea down and stuff.

anyways, today sucked because my gf's mom decided, while she and my gf were out together separate from me, me in the laundromat, laying into her about basically random bullshit, from me not having a job (i try! no one wants to hire me, there's huge gaps in my employment history, i can't act right in interviews or something i guess, sometimes i accidentally put "would prefer not to answer" for questions of gender on the questionnaire things, and it's apparently not something you're meant to do) and then getting into how we behaved on the trip, she believes for some reason that i think there is no war in israel when what i said to her, days ago in arizona, was that world war 3 is not going to start and china is not looking to invade america or use a nuclear weapon on us because one why would they start mutually assured destruction, unless they destroy america totally and just america (and what would they get?? no land, no resources, they are extracting all the capital they could want because they have beaten us at manufacturing and basically everything (we still have to see if they will achieve communism tho (i hope they do))), and two like i just said, they have beaten us industrially, america wants to stoke hate for china to start something because one: america is racist and evil and two: humiliated about not being number 1 (and all boomers are too thus the china is evil fantasy). i was also pro palestine and said that israel is obviously to blame here in every way, because they hold their people hostage essentially feeding these deaths to justify greater and greater strides towards genocide. in the car, she was agreeing with me, but she just does that. she also kept talking about how she had family who were in the military, and a husband too, and like wow who cares, the first place they test all the propaganda, where all the red scare cold war bullshit hit first, panic over those paper tigers that are kept to just destroy the world if we wanna. stupid. she also brought up multiple times that i am uneducated because i didn't get my degree because i could not justify going to school during covid virtually because i would be so bad at it and stuff, so she thinks i am like a stupid uneducated hick, something she loves to use against all kinds of people!!!!! she's so classist it honestly makes me sick.

she also brought up bill maher, and how disrespectful we were, and how she was so upset hearing us make jokes, and my gf asked if she thought i liked hearing him make bathroom gender jokes, and her mom was like "well he's just a man. it's a choice. he isn't one of them right." and a bunch of other shit, so my gf came in to tell me all this, she sees her telling me, and then she just calls my gf to say that if she's going to have a conversation then at least include her, and then she literally abandons us in the fucking laundromat for a while until my gf calls her, and during the call she begins ranting about bill maher again, and how he's making jokes for a different generation and how we don't understand, and also how i need to "pick a side, he's either transgender or not." and more stupid nonsense, but she at least comes to get us again. the whole rest of the day she acts like nothing happened, and that she isn't an abusive/manipulative bitch. my gf cursed her out during the first go around, and she was so pathetic, she acted like she was being abused and had to get away from her evil daughter defending her partner and getting upset her mother is literally a stupid and bad person who can't get over gentle banter over fucking bill maher. i can't believe he's developed into this great a problem in my life. he is a demon that looms in my existence now until i die, or he dies. not that i am wishing for his death (sincere, it feels awful to wish for people to die unless they are intensely rich demons like bezos who have so much funding behind them they are literally impervious to wishing (i think my superstitious sectors of my brain are over active in unfun ways that can rule my life sometimes but whatever (just washing my hands of intent and telling everyone my intent is perfect and good and i would never hurt anybody i am just nice and happy and not evil)))

it's so whatever, literally too stupid for earth.

this isn't even all the news of the day though, my gf's brother had a party last night, and he had a friend over who was on acid, coke, weed, and booze, and he had an ego death moment, obsessed over his own death a while, shit himself, ripped his clothes off, screamed, slammed his head into their mirror and broke the thing into one million pieces or whatever, climbed on the countertop of their kitchen totally naked, screamed about dying more, and ran out of the house to beat a cop up and steal his car and drive it 5 miles out into a car with 2 people in it. there is a video.

needless to say he is traumatized, his friend is in the trauma unit, the people he crashed into are in the trauma unit, no one is going to come out of this even half okay.

hearing that, and the thing with her mom insulting me behind my back (not new but it sucks and this is the worst it's ever gotten), today is kind of a stupid nightmare. but i feel okay basically. i was more pissed earlier and my gf left a drink in the laundromat, she mentioned it in the car ride to the grocery store, and i said "another one of today's disappointments" and her mom said something and we just said it had nothing to do with her, the statement. maybe that sucked of me. whatever, kind of. i don't like being mean but how else is she supposed to take the hint that she is being not a good or even likeable person when she acts like this, and is only being delusional when she believes she's in the right.

and i totally am grateful she drives us around to help us run our errands, she doesn't have to but, like, she does it because she thinks she's going to get payment from it some day, and she also does this because literally, i hate to bring it to him again, but she has fantasies of her daughter going on bill maher or cnn, and hoping her daughter would agree with anything she says in her head, she'd get to finally have her genius thoughts spat out in the most meaningless information streams the general public are exposed to, hoping her daughter will be an 'expert' that can be used by the media to bludgeon people with basically because they are wrong and she would, being her daughter and hopefully (but in actuality she disagrees with her entirely) agree with her, and prove that she, ******a, is right about everything. she would like to reduce her daughter that she has beaten, manipulated, called an accident, into a mouth piece and robs her of herself totally in her daydreams. a miserable excuse for a parent. i am grateful though. i try to like her. sometimes she is a very kind woman, or she makes the effort which counts i guess, but my gf is beyond ever being convinced that she really is nice, rightfully so, i'm just on my way there, i am going to lay down in a sea on the other end of some mountains and let the sea take me away, the wash whispering oh well a million times over.

some people only have ressentiment. that's how her mother is. the wasted life. she hates that i don't work because hard work is all that matters, she doesn't see the ways i work hard but all her hard work has given her is arthritis and misanthropy.

i should put some images here about this vague malaise.

yanase masamu - a length of capitalist's drool.

combatwoundedveteran - this is not an erect all-red neon body

mark mccoy - wound

hans bellmer - la poupee

ilona jurgiel (idk if she called this anything, striking though)

jean cocteau (tragically i do not know where this is from, making me feel stupid, but it strikes me right now as meaningful).

i don't know if these images connect at all really for anyone else but they are pretty things to adorn myself with, little resonant chimes that harmonize with right now distantly, or maybe in detuned 5ths, some kind of gamelan tonal array.

i always feel like anything where someone has their guts out though, re: mark mccoy + the cwv album cover.

anwayssssssssss ughhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhh:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pleasestopdeletingmyaccount]

Yeah I see both of your points

But

Have you considered

✨Delulu✨

Sorry being ✨delusional✨ is my coping mechanism

What ? You see proof that points to Buddie not becoming canon?

No you don't ✨

On a separate note, I honestly think this is just a preference in methodology of media consumption.

Buddie fans have been waiting for close to 6 years for this ship, and sadly, truthfully, as a Buddie fan, most of the canon fuel burned out after season 4, and from there it's less canonical materials and more, this is how we've chose to consume this content so this is how we'll interpret the material.

There's a time and place for serious TV analysis and metas, holding shows accountable for stringing viewers along, being lazy and repetitive with storylines and character arcs. And Buddie fans do make these, they're fans of Buck and Eddie, sure, but they're a fan of the show first and foremost.

We love this show, with all our hearts, it means something to us, it makes us go crazy but we love it anyway. That's why we want it to do well too, we want the character arcs and storylines to progress in a logical sense, to tie neatly into the narratives, to be coherent and thematically appropriate. We love this show just as much as the general audience do (if not a little more, I swear, some of the posts I see on the 9-1-1 tag), so we're also the most likely to see its flaws and criticise it (look at the season 6 finale, I was on both Tumblr and Reddit at the time and let me tell you the number of essays I read)

We're not trying to make it seems like anything they put out is great as long as we can spin it to become Buddie. Some of us just try to have faith in the show and believe it will find a way to improve (and we'll be here to shit on it if it doesn't)

On the other hand, there's definitely a time and place for fun, light hearted jokes and commentaries about the direction the show's going in and how much we don't like it, so we pretend to not see it :)))

I absolutely understand how it can seem annoying and childish the way we approach Buddie content, literally scouring the floor for CRUMBS of a HINT of Buddie. But it's fun, it's not fun because it's lowkey a little pathetic looking, it's fun because there's a sense of community in it.

Somehow, the show being a little queerbaity and us getting next to nothing for our ship becomes a bit less shitty when you log on to your account and there are some 90 thousands people collectively losing their shit with you.

That's just how fandom spaces have always been, like-minded people with similar interests coming together to both celebrate and commemorate this piece of content that they love. I'll be sad if Buddie doesn't become canon, but honestly I don't care, I don't need it to live, I have more than enough fics and delusional friends to help me scratch that itch.

And right now, that's what I'm here for, not just for the show, or the characters and actors, but also for my incredibly talented mutuals, writers and bloggers that I look up to, new interesting free content from people who love the same thing I do.

In short, I think we all know that reality is not fanfiction, we've been burned by too many shows too many times to not take that to heart. But we get our hopes up anyway and live in this fictional land anyway because we find this way of consuming content way more fun.

And that's okay, neither way is wrong, and neither way should be shit on. We all love this weird wee woo show in our own ways, and I love that ^^

So, I lost the fucking point on this, this went from a simple reply of a post to a love letter to the Buddie fandom, the 9-1-1 fandom, and fandom as a whole.

Just in a really positive mood today, so wish everyone a happy day ^^

I’m loving how everyone is changing their tune to “oh hey now we can get a double date! We’re still wining!”

Like…do they think what that they will go on a double date and suddenly dump both girls in the middle of it to go make out in a corner…? The problem a lot of fans seem to have is they have it in their mind the show runs like fan fictions do and it does not.

💯 Headcanons are great, but some of the scenarios people throw out make it sound like Tim is just waiting for the right moment rather than writing scenes the networks will approve of.

Double date awkwardness would have already happened if this were a m/f ship.

What do we get?

Subtext.

[catcrumb]

How do you stay motivated to do dailies? I really admire your dedication to these funky fresh cats. I've tried doing my own dailies (drawing, writing etc), but always lose steam about a week in. Was there a point when it became second nature, and just fit really easily into your routine? Or is it always going to be a bit of an uphill battle?

my big rule is that it doesn't have to be "good." that was the first and still the most important rule. some days i have the willpower to get out my tablet! some days i have my mouse! and some days i just wiggle my finger in the shape of a cat on my laptop's trackpad, slap some random thought i had onto it, and hit that post button. doesn't have to be perfect. doesn't have to be a work of art. could look like complete shit. just has to be a cat.

like this guy? very low effort! i had a headache that evening after doing a bunch of things i needed to do, and was like "ah fuck i still gotta do today's catcrumb". this took me thirty seconds. but that was that day.

something that has also helped me a lot is making my rule "one per day", not "once per day". after drawing the one i posted tonight, i drew two more doodles that are gonna be tomorrow's and the day after that's catcrumbs. so i don't have to draw for the next day and a half! the queue function is one of the big reasons i really enjoy tumblr as a platform. (the queue, tags as undervoice, tags for archival purposes, easy chronological and sortable archive/portfolio, and the anonymity. not to mention the vibes. also ive been here for over a decade and can't leave)

also, i use mspaint because it has a limited toolset, so it's just less overwhelming and not as daunting as the beefier art program i have for other art. if i had to open up clip studio paint every day....... i would not have lasted two years lmao.

and tbh the limited toolset has made me feel freer to try new things! like with color! when i was drawing mostly in Digital Art Programs and the edges of school papers i rarely ever got to coloring because i would spend so long on the lines. but with mspaint i draw with the pixel-pencil so it's easier to use the fill tool. this is one of my first little "landscapes" :) i drew it in february 2020. i still think about it a lot!

(also, i've found that the landscapes, which i spend more time and effort on, get less of a response than the scribbly ones. which i'm not bothered by, because 1. it makes me feel less pressured to do the big labors of love 2. it makes me feel unashamed when i only have energy for a quick scribble 3. my loved ones adore my little landscapes, and that's more important to me than Number Goes Up. but also it's fun to see the number go up in response to my scribble. it's a win/win.)

and finally there's accountability. i have a very firm rule with myself that i draw for ME, and my followers are a side effect/bonus of me posting it publicly. i do not create for an audience. to quote:

The difference between an inner-directed process of discovery and a kind of outer-directed pseudo-creativity that in its pursuit of attention gets overwhelmed by desperation.

but that doesn't mean that attention doesn't matter to me. i would not have gotten as far as i did if i hadn't shown my art to my friends/mutuals and gotten very sweet responses from them. that was what made catcrumb happen: the people who i know, am close to, and whose kindness is personal to me. i adore and appreciate the kindness of strangers! but it has to come in second to the kindness of friends, because otherwise you will go crazy. i'm pretty lucky that i have the sort of homebody personality that has little interest in strangers, which helps my brain not get rotted by clout.

so i showed my art to my friends, i got encouragement, they thought i was funny, i kept going, because i liked amusing myself and my friends with my little drawings. and then the snowball went further down the hill, etc etc. nowadays my main motivator is that i told my mom about catcrumb and she would definitely say something if i didn't post. sometimes just knowing that someone would notice is enough.

i hope this is useful. i am a person with a couple of brain problems that have made me debilitatingly incapable of forming and maintaining habits my entire life, so i'm honestly shocked that ive managed to keep a daily habit going for two years! ive never managed anything like that before! maybe because it doesn't Matter. i don't do catcrumb for money - ive thought about a patreon, but i couldn't do it. my executive dysfunction is too powerful, and catcrumb has always been about being the teeniest task to execute.

and it makes me smile. i like drawing little cats sitting around smiling or yelling or holding an object. :~)

tl;dr keep the bar as close to the ground as you possibly can

[sessakag]

Don't hate me but I want to know your answer to all these:

Get to know my Shipping Preferences & Ships!

Made an ask meme ^ ^

Send me a number!

1. List 3 shipping tropes you love

2. List 3 shipping tropes you don’t love

3. One emotional aspect of a ship that always gets you

4. One physical aspect of a ship that always gets you

5. Multiship or Monoship?

6. Rare pairs or Mainstream?

7. Polyamory or Monogamy?

8. If the ship is physical, reversible or not?

9. Do you always have romantic ships for fandoms?

10. How important is the sexual part (if any) of your ship?

11. Opinion on platonic ships?

12. List 3 ships you currently love

13. List 5 OTPs from past fandoms

14. Opinion on the importance of marriage?

15. Opinion on kids?

NOW, about ONE ship (ships I’ll answer for in the tags!):

16. One thing one character likes about their partner(s).

17. Now one thing that the other character(s) likes about the first chara.

18. Who confessed?

19. How long did they know each other before getting together?

20. Who’s the ship’s biggest in-universe supporter?

21. Any rivals for the ship?

22. Any mutual friends?

23. Have they met each other’s families?

24. What’s ONE conflict they’ve had.

25. What’s ONE way they’ve resolved a conflict?

26. What’s ONE location that’s important to them?

27. What’s ONE object that’s important to them?

28. What’s ONE food/beverage that’s important to them?

29. What’s ONE thing they do in their free time together?

30. What’s ONE thing they do in their free time APART?

31. What’s ONE thing character A might gift their partner?

32. What’s ONE thing character A’s partner(s) might gift back?

33. How would they react to long distance?

34. How would they react to an ex showing up?

35. Describe one date.

36. Describe one example of comforting after a bad day.

37. Describe one reunion after time apart.

38. Describe their ideal home.

39. Describe their first kiss (if any).

40. Describe their first time (if any).

41. Would they have any pets? If so, describe.

42. Would they get married? If so, describe their wedding.

43. Would they have any kids? If so, describe.

44. Give each character a color.

45. Give each character an element.

46. Give each character a Pokemon.

47. Give each character a Hogwarts house.

48. Give each character a super power.

49. Give each character an rpg class.

50. Imagine each character as an animal.

Obvs, some of these I already know your answer but just...please? 😁

Alright! Here we go! 😤

List 3 shipping tropes you love

Trope One: The one night stand that leads to: "oh no I'm pregnant now!". The chaos that follows, the angst and the crazy situation of having to get to know your baby daddy or baby mama a few months before the actual kid pops out is just soooo entertaining to me. Trope Two: Age gaps, preferably older man/younger woman. I am a sucker for an authoritative male, yes there can be younger man that have that Dom energy, but there's just something ridiculously sexy attractive about man a couple years older taking the reins 😤 Trope Three: Toxic relationships/Dark (that may or may not get better). I get tired of reading stories that are all sprinkles and rainbows all the time, sometimes I just want to read some fucked up, dysfunctional shit that can engage the darker emotions rather than one that's continuously reaching for sainthood. I love delicious emotional angst.

Trope One: Gender Bender. No thank you, kindly. Not my thing at all. I've tried them and its like putting my foot in the wrong shoe, lol. I can't immerse myself in the story. Trope Two: Idiots in Love. Now I have a love hate relationship with this, if done right, I enjoy it, but when it gets to the point where its dragging on and on and on, and they're dancing around to the point where I'm getting irritated, yeah, lol, I'm exiting the story. Unfortunately a lot of stories overemphasize the idiots part 😅and omg when it gets to the end and they get a paragraph of actually being together before the story ends 🤬Trope Three: Strong!(insert normally sweet character) This one falls heavily on the strong!Hinata trope. She is usually just turned into a clone Sakura(one of my least fav characters) or RTN Hinata(who I cannot stand!) omg this really irks my soul. For some reason many people think strength = violent, nasty tempers and attitude. That characters, especially female characters, can't be strong without being unnecessarily aggressive and mean. Literally you don't have to do all of that, and it turns me off so freaking quick its not even funny! If you want to develop Hinata's shinobi abilities, do that, you don't have to make her awful to accomplish it.

Angst! For example, confrontations in which one or both characters admit to some wrong doing in the relationship and they have this emotional scene where they either blow up or work through the situation. I live for that!

Usually I'm reading about NaruHina so the physical aspect for me would be Naruto finally getting to experience constant physical contact with another person(Hinata), hugs and kisses, caresses and lovemaking. That gets me every time since he was so deprived growing up. He's not used to that treatment and I love it when he gets absolutely spoiled with physical contact!

This is kind of hard, lol. My core has always been monoship of NaruHina, but that NaruHinaSasu just refuses to leave me be. So I'd say I'm a multiship but with very strict with it. Definitely not a 'anyone can get it' type shipper. Sasuke I can put him with a very select few ladies, but Naruto and Hinata, they get each other and Sasuke, there's no SasuHina only or NaruSasu only, if that makes sense, lol. And putting them with anyone but Sasuke is a hard no. NaruHina, NaruHinaSasu or I don't want it.

I lean more into the mainstream pairings I suppose, most of my ships usually come to fruition, luckily. Though I go hard for the rare pairs of NaruHinaSasu and SessKag.

Polyamory! NaruHinaSasu only. I love my three babies together. If I have to choose a monogamous pairing, it'll always be NaruHina though.

Not really sure what number 8 is asking to be honest 😅 can someone clarify and I'll answer later.

Yes! There is not a fandom that I don't have a romantic ship for. I get bored without romance.

Very! Sexuality is very important to me in general, its like a love language you can only hear through your body, and it reveals hidden away pieces of yourself that only your lover knows about and experiences(in regards to my interpretation of it, I know the world is different) so having them take that step means a lot to me!

They can be fun! I personally ship Hinata/Ino as platonic girlfriends! 🥰I ship NaruSasu as a couple and as platonic ride or die besties for life.

NaruHina. NaruHinaSasu. HinaIno (platonic).

SessKag, EdWin, IchHime, DomonRain, KenshinKarou

I love for my OTP to get married, it's like closing the chapter and starting a new one. Nothing religious or societal norm pressure, just genuinely love seeing a big ass celebration and the exchanging of last names 💞It's so cute seeing the Mrs and Mr. Whatever.

Lots! Fill the whole house up with those little buggers!!

Naruto likes Hinata's kindness! 🥰he really hasn't had anyone that just showered him with kindness until Hina (imo) I love that he has some that wouldn't beat on him, insult him, call him names or make him feel less than in anyway and I know he's got to love that!

Hinata likes Naruto's determination. That guy gets something in his head and he goes for it with everything he's got and then some! He pushes and pushes and moves mountains! Hard not to admire him!🥰

Hinata then Naruto.

Think it was around 15 years-ish? Think in the Last Naruto was 19 and they met when they were like 4 or 5 I think? It was before they went to the Academy, Hinata got lost during Hizashi's memorial and Naruto led her back home.

Sakura. In the Last she was encouraging Hinata a lot and helped talk Naruto through his feelings. That really kick started me tolerating Sakura better. She really was a nice person in the Last, and I liked her a bit during it.

Nope. Not even close.

Konoha 12.

No. Unfortunately. Minato and Kushina would have loved Hinata to pieces though!

Hinata got kidnapped by Toneri.

Naruto beat tf out Toneri for stealing his girl, and Hinata ripped his eyeballs out for messing with her lil sis🥰

Ichiraku Ramen Stand! It was one of the first places that accepted Naruto as a child and it's where he took Hinata on their first date! And though I LOATHE the Boruto series, I did catch a snippet on youtube of him reminissing about their first date happily while out with his brat son Boruto🥰

The Red Scarf! The scarf Hinata made for Naruto was incredibly important to both of them, Naruto especially, he wanted it even though it'd been blown to shreds.

Ramen.

Make beautiful babies 😂still waiting for that third redhead child.

Shippuden wise, they train. idk what Boruto got going on.

Something hand made. Hinata's pretty crafty and she's caring enough to make him something no matter how time consuming.

Flowers. Naruto's unpredictable, but him knowing she likes to press flowers, I can see him doing that.

Fine. They're shinobi after all, they understand that duty calls them away from time to time.

Naruto would act a damn fool 😂mean muggin, poutin and shit. Wrapping himself around Hinata like a damn boa constrictor. He would not be happy and everyone would know it. Jealous Naruto don't gaf. Hinata would probably feel a bit insecure. She's always had low self esteem thanks to daddy dearest, but I think as long as the ex didn't overstep she'd be fine and cordial.

[patheticwithanem]

Dear...

...you,

I've been thinking about us lately. Maybe incessantly so? I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but it's getting kind of annoying if I'm being completely honest. We've been doing this for quite a while now: 10 MONTHS. Time flies when you're having fun, right?

Until you're not.

I'm not used to online dating, but October of last year I decided I'm going to put myself out there hoping I can find some connection that'll stick. That's huge, coming from me. I guess it was my existential crisis talking too; I wanted something of my own as my 30s "creep in". I know age is just a number but there's something about this dawn of a new era that just... sucked. The months leading up to it were filled with anxieties and fears and on top of that, a lot of reflection. Icing to the cake.

We met on December 30. It was our mutual love of Survivor that got me really interested. Your first message from a few weeks back was aggressive but unapologetically yourself. You didn't care if I shared the same opinion as yours. You just wanted to talk. I liked that. You were very engaging and a great conversationalist: exactly the type of person I was looking for.

Cutting to the chase, I'm not writing to tell you the story of how I fell in love with you. This is not about ruminating all the milestones we had the past couple of months. This is about telling you what I feel at this moment. RIGHT. NOW. It's just something I have to do before I drown in despair. I'm tired of holding back.

Oh, yeah. I love you.

As cliché as it sounds, I've never felt this with anyone, ever. I had relationships before but I don't know if I truly loved them. I can admit that. I appreciated them and I wanted them in my life at the time, but it never FELT LIKE THIS. Watching movies and TV when I was younger, I remember telling myself that love is overrated. Like how can something be so overwhelming it makes you do crazy shit? And this is coming from a proud hopeless romantic; how can something so plain and simple be so much more complicated when emotions get in the way? I'm not saying I will do some crazy shit - I mean, we'll see what the future holds (LOL), but as a full-pledged adult, I come to realize that love holds so much power. It really conquers all: fear, pain, hatred (well not poverty or corruption or toothache, but you get the drift). I guess you never truly "comprehend" it until you "live" it.

But I don't know if I can do this whole thing anymore. I'm a Yes guy, and that usually means I make the most compromises. With us, I feel like I do albeit a little too much. I find myself challenging my value system time and time when I'm faced to make decisions about us. How far am I willing to go? How much energy compromising am I willing to exhaust? And I don't think I'm exaggerating: I cater to your idea of a perfect "companion" ALL THE FREAKING TIME. That's another thing: I don't think you necessarily want what I want because it almost feels like you just need someone there with you, doing things with you. I usually am disappearing in the abyss of my own emotional and mental baggage, but to my surprise, in terms of "whatever I think this is", I know what I want. This is just not it.

I want to feel wanted. I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me that they love me for me. They love me for everything that I represent and everything that I stand up for. They love me for my quirks and in spite of my quirks. They love me for the things I hate most about myself. I want to feel wanted FOR ME. And I wish you can want me enough you feel the need to "lock this in", because you can't see a life without me, and you can't bear the thought of me sharing this connection with someone else. I have been waiting for you to feel that need to commit to me. I still haven't gotten that from you, and as we go along, I wonder if we're ever going to get to that point. It saddens me that I don't think we will. Do you really like me or do you just like the idea of me? Or maybe you just want my company? I maybe overthinking it, but how would I know if you don't give me anything?

You might want to ask: why am I expecting you to make that move? Why is it your call? To be fair, you made it very clear that you are not an emotional person. You never really experience high highs and low lows; you're perfectly fine with living in the calm. That's always been your narrative. I totally respect that, but here's the thing: I'm a sensitive guy. I'm in touch with my emotions almost all the time, and I learned through the years to let my walls down and allow myself to be vulnerable especially with the people I hold close to my heart. I get that you're a completely different person, but can you at least give me something to work on? I keep waiting for you to bring down your walls and really talk to me; but it's almost a year and you still haven't given me ANYTHING. I refuse to believe you're just dead on the inside because I see you. I know you have it in you. I see glimpses of what you can show if you just strip that off and learn to let go. I remember you hesitantly telling me you "like me" a couple of weeks ago and I laughed at you saying "of course". I'm sorry if that felt I dismissed what you were feeling because that wasn't my intention at all. My point is: we have been talking daily and spending time with each other for roughly 42 weeks. That's a huge amount of time. We should be past the point of just "liking each other".

Which brings me to this: when are you going to be emotionally available? How long are you asking me to wait? I know I want someone who can talk about their emotions. Talk about stuff you value the most! I keep giving you opportunities to do that but you never budge. It saddens me that besides the fact that you're a huge cinephile and you love French fries, I really don't know anything about you. You never really talk about your family even when I open that conversation. You never really talk about your childhood, your dreams and aspirations, your life. You give me crumbs and I give you all the fixins. How is that fair? Just so we're clear, I love the fact that you can be sweet if you want and you clearly love spending quality time with me. I love that. But can't you see it's not enough? I want to feel connected with you. I want the meat, not the garnish.

But self-awareness isn't your greatest suit either. You can be terribly insensitive sometimes. I allow you to be unapologetically yourself almost to the expense of me staying true to who I am. I can't be emotional. I can't be sexual. We're lucky we like a lot of things in common but you steer the wheel way too much. Most of the things we do still center around your interests; not much compromise there if you ask me. What about the other things that I want? When are you going to allow me to be in control even just a tiny bit? We had our first (and maybe technically our only) misunderstanding in March and truly, that was about your obsession about controlling everything. During our last vacation together, I remember you being all too difficult about the tours and the food and the itineraries. You do know I work for the services industry, right? Have you ever considered that that might be a reason why I don't want to bargain too much? And then there's this instance when you were deciding on posting content for social media and you made this remark about wanting to make it "bait-y"... You do realize you're telling that to me, right? Why are you implying you want to "bait" someone? I totally get it though. I would do that. I just don't think it's something I'll verbalize to my "companion" out of respect. And I know you still flirt with other people. I will own up to my complete breach of your privacy when I decided to snoop on your messages when you left your accounts on my computer, fine. But that just validated my suspicions: you were still going on dates April or May and you were still actively making suggestive advances (some were sexual) with the people you have dated. And the detective in me knows you were still accessing your dating apps in the office and at home six months in while we're dating. While it's fair that I had my share of side dates as well, I made a statement and deleted those applications. I made it known I don't need them anymore because I have you. How can I be so sure you did the same? Sure, I never asked for anything and I may be overreacting. I do acknowledge that. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable, right? Regardless, how do I remove that bitter taste in my mouth?

And the sex. THE SEX. You were very transparent from the get-go about having certain limits in the bedroom, I'll give you that. And you don't have the same insatiable sexual appetite as mine and I can't entirely fault you for that. But then when we talk about compromises, I expect you to try and do the same for me. I'm not asking for too much, but we already have our sexual incompatibility working against us. Can you just maybe try a little harder? I'm not pushing you to go beyond your boundaries. I respect them and I came to terms with having to work around it. But can you maybe put a little more effort in being more intimate with me? Maybe try to actively find ways how we can explore our sexualities together without having to rely on things you're not comfortable with and things you don't want to do? Can you stop being lazy about it and stop subconsciously implying that it's not as important in a genuine relationship? Because it is! For the longest time, I reigned it in. I knew the risk that I'm not always going to be satisfied sexually, but I took that risk because I want you. But please, I hope you see how much I have been trying. I wanted genuine connection to be the backbone of whatever we have. I'm intentionally suppressing my libido (for the lack of a better word) for you because I don't want to demand something you don't want to provide. I want to be doing it with you SO BAD but I don't want us to be a safe place for you. I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable. So please, since this is much more of a compromise for me than it is for you, can you just try harder?

I have been talking in circles but I'm glad I get to write about it now. I keep convincing myself that I'll just give it a year and if shit doesn't break the fan and nothing really happens, I might just have to let you go. But I don't want to; I love you. I love your smile and your passion for the things you love the most; your eloquence, and the way you say good morning, and the fact that I can talk with you for hours, and the way you just allow me to pace myself so I don't feel any sort of unnecessary pressure, and that I don't feel any judgment when I'm around you, and all the little things I have been taking notes since the day I laid eyes on you.

Looking back, these are things I never really expected to come out of my mouth and mean it. So please, don't let me run away. Make me stay.

Please.

[aliasimagines]

operation fools in love//luke patterson

requested by a lovely anon

word count: 3333(!!!)

a/n: i still don’t know how to write endings

The corridor was noisy with loud chatter, quietly whispered gossip and the sound of rushing students' shoes hitting against the floor. 

You hummed  'edge of great' as you started fishing out the books you need for class from your locker. It has been stuck in your head since yesterday evening when the guys played it for you and Flynn at band practice. 

You were about to close your locker when he poofed next to you. 

“Hi, y/n!”

“AAHHH” you screamed, earning a few side looks from passing by students. 

“Ahh, I accidentally kicked my locker, haha…”you started explaining yourself before turning back to your open locker. You sent a glare in Luke’s way.

“What did Julie and I say to you? Do not teleport randomly to us at school!”

He chuckled.

“Yeah, rules, rules, I don’t care. I just wanted to drop in and say hi!” he smiled at you with his signature Luke smile.

“Well, you did. That’s all? I kinda need to go to class.” you spot Julie in the corner of your eyes as you walk over to her locker. You quickly wave at her and soon after she comes over so you can talk to Luke without looking crazy. 

Luke mumbles something under his breath and goes to scratch the back of his head.

“No! Uhm..Hi Jules… So y/n I also kinda wanted to ask if you would come to our gig tonight? You know, we are playing not far from that food place you like? "

You smiled, appreciating that he remembered your favorite food place. 

"Well,erm.. I guess? I want to but I might have dance practice, so I am not sure." you say, wishing you'd know for sure but you won't find out till the end of your classes. 

Luke's lips formed an 'o' before his gaze fell down on his shoes. 

"Oh well.. I-okay. Bye?" he says in an unsure tone before disappearing, leaving you to face Julie. 

"Well, wasn't that adorable?"  she asks with a smug grin. 

"What? What are you talkin' bout Jules?" you ask honestly confused. She laughs and puts her hand on your shoulder. 

"Sweetheart, you two are just oblivious to each other!" 

"I don't… What?" 

"You like him. He likes you. It's not that confusing. Really it is obvious." 

"Shhh, quiet!" you shh-ed her, quickly making sure if Luke was 100 percent gone. "I.. I don't like him." 

It was unnecessary, you couldn't even fool yourself and especially not Julie. 

"Y/N, come on girl, I know you do. And he does like you too! I mean I am writing songs with him, do you know how many lovesick lyrics he has written lately? It is making me sick." she laughed. 

"Well, he might have written them about someone else. Maybe you? You two have amazing chemistry."

Julie sighed and grabbed both of your shoulders so she could look at you. 

"Y/N, honey. Believe me when I say he is head over heels for you. Why else would he want you to be at our gig so much?”

„Luke is literally so passionate about music? Of course he wants to share it with me, cause he wants to share it with everyone.”

„Ahg, girl you need glasses cuz you can't see shit. Look, if  prove he likes you too will you believe me?”

„Sure. I mean you can’t prove something that is not true but, sure go ahead, ’prove it’.” 

Julie rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to respond but luckily for you the bell rang.

“See you later, alligator!” and with that you were off to class, leaving Julie alone to work on her master plan. 

She knew she had to pull this off because the mutual pinning was unbearable but she also knew she couldn't do it alone. She'll need all the help she can get and that includes Flynn and the rest of her ghost band. 

You changed into your leggings and sweatshirt before heading into the gym where the dance practice took place. You were quite bumped. Don't get me wrong dancing is everything to you but.. You really did want to see the guys perform. 

You and the other kids were warming up, waiting for your teacher to start showing the choreography. But neither of you expected what she did next. Much to your surprise Reggie and Alex appeared next to her and started messing with her water bottle before you could even open your mouth.

For a moment no one acknowledged what was going on. Some were too busy chatting and warming up and Ms Janett was too busy with her phone. The two ghosts seemed to have noticed that and after exchanging a knowing smirk they grabbed the phone out of your teachers hands. She perked up, a mixture of anger and confusion on her face. And then… she saw her own phone floating in tin air.

“Stop!!” you whisper shouted  in the boys direction but they only gave you a smirk before Reggie started searching for the music player application. Alex pointed over Reggie’s shoulder.

“Uuu, play that one.” 

And as soon as the Lady Gaga song started playing Ms Janett let out a scream causing everyone to look up. You saw the boys dancing with the phone and the pompoms in their hand (although you have no idea where Alex got those pompoms) but everyone else just saw those items moving by themselves.

“GHOOOST!!! Everybody RUUUUUUN!” 

Some people followed the teacher, some stayed behind to take a closer look only to be scared away by a flying pompom. 

“What the heck are you two doing?” you turned to them,being  rather angry,  once you were the only living person in the gym. Seriously, what were they thinking?

“We cleared your afternooon! You can come to our concert!” Reggie exclaimed and put down the phone. 

“Do you think I would go after this fiasco you just pulled??” you were definitely angry now.

“Oh come on, if not for us then for Julie..and for Luke.”

You snapped your head in Alex's direction at the mention of Luke’s name.

“What do...No. Don’t try to divert the topic. What you did was incredebly stupid! What if.. What if someone connects the dots and figures out that Julie’s hologram band is actually a ghost band? There will be scientist and ghost busters and-”

“Shh, Y/N jeez, calm down. it will be okay. We’ll see you at the show.” 

And they poofed away. They simply left  you alone with your thoughts. You need to come up with some kind of explanation for the dance class but right now you need to go home and change. The boys were right, even if they kinda (really) caused a mess here you still like them and don’t want to miss seeing them live ((Winky face)).

Meanwhile you were sorting through your dresses and outfit options. Julie and the band arrived at the venue for rehearsal.

Usually it was Luke who hyped Julie up before shows but right now the roles were switched because Luke looked like a kicked puppy ever since he learned you wouldn’t be able to make it to their gig. Of course Julie knew you will be here, as she was the one to send the boys to scare away your teacher. It was all part of her little plan.

Like mentioned Luke wrote half a dozen songs, all centered around his feelings for you. He stated to Jules that he will definitely not play them for you because there is just no way you like him back, but now Luke thinks you won’t be there so Julie is on the next step of her genius plan. Convince Luke to play one of his love songs.

“Luke, Lukey-poo, my man.” she started getting more and more cringy. “I thought we could close with Hero and Heroine? I know you said you don’t want to play it but it is such a great song, you definitely shouldn’t let it be just another forgotten song that stays on a piece of paper. Plus it is perfect for closing, think about it!”

“Julie...I-I told you I don’t wanna play it.”

“You told me you don’t wanna play it in front of Y/N, which would be the whole point of writing love songs to her but that's besides the point right now. Pleeassee?”

Luke took a deep breath and looked at his ghost mates for...What for? Support? Advice? He is not sure. He does want to play the song, pour out his emotions through the song but the question is..should he? He knows you can’t be here which both makes him wanna play the song and not at the same time.

“I agree with Julie, dude.” Alex said, shrugging his shoulder like he knew of nothing. Reggie nodded along.

“Okay..If you all think I w-”

Julie stood up and clapped her hands together.

“Cool! It is settled. I’ll need to make a phone call, brb.”

“Barbeque?” asked Reggie confused. Which made Alex laugh.

“Brb actually means be right back. Willie told me.” the blond made his way over to Luke and gently punched his shoulder. “Really Luke, that song is great. And I know you think there is no way Y/N would like you back but I am sure if she could hear it-”

“I’m a ghost, Alex! I can’t just confess to her, how are we gonna date? We can’t even touch.”

“That is totally not the reason. You are afraid she would decline your affection, I get it, but believe me I have seen her look at you. That longing in her eyes when I mention your name. She likes you.”

Luke rolled his eyes.

“Not that it matters, she won't hear the song and that is my final say in this.”

As soon as Julie stepped out of the small, cigarette smelling backroom she dialed your number. You picked up after two rings.

“Hi, Jules.”

“Hi girl, I heard what the boys did, I am so, so sorry. You know they are idiots.”she said trying real hard not to laugh but she reminded herself of her plan and pulled on her poker face.”But..Are you coming to the show? Flynn could pick you up; she is about to get going.”

“Yeah I’ll come, tell the boys I will call my teacher and say it was a prank so they can thank me for saving their ghostbutts.”

Julie giggled and started playing with her hair.She walked up and down the small corridor that led to the stage from the backroom.

“I will, I better get back and warm up but you should call Flynn so she won’t leave without you.”

Of course Flynn wouldn’t leave without you. She was waiting in her car two blocks from your home waiting for your phone car.

She didn’t have to wait long, you called her and she pretended to not expect it. Flynn kinda became your and Julie’s driver ever since she got her driver's  license last month. 

By the time the two of you got to the venue the opening was playing their last song and the place was already packed with dancing teenagers. Flynn dragged you to the bar and asked for a cola for herself and a (favourite drink) for you. 

The two of you hung back and sipped your drinks until Julie appeared on the stage. Then you took Flynn by the hand and  started pulling her toward the stage. Only she held you back. 

"Hey, what's up? Don't we wanna go and watch them from closer?" 

"Oh, well, uhm...I'd rather hang back. The crowd kind of makes me anxious right now." Flynn said. You lifted an eyebrow at her. Flynn being anxious? In a crowd?? That did not convince you. But you didn’t argue. 

"Do you need to step outside a little or…" 

"Nah, it's good, let's just stay here in the back." 

So you did. You sang and danced along to the songs you both knew so well. You tried  your best not to stare at Luke too much but let’s be honest you failed miserably. Flynn occasionally wiggled her eyebrows at you when she caught you ‘drooling over him’ as she put it.

After they finished playing Stand Tall you expected them to bow and ‘disappear’ but much to your surprise Julie grabbed the mic and brought it to her lips.

“Hello, hello, helloo! Do y’all wanna hear one more song?” the audience erupted into a loud cheer. It was so heartwarming to watch. Julie doing what she was born to do, playing music and enchanting the crowd. Flynn seemed to have the same thought because she looked at her with such pride. You pulled her into a big hug and the two of you waited for the crowd to quiet down so Jules could go on.

“Allright, allright. Now this song will be a bit different but...I will let Luke here tell it.”

You just became more and more surprised when Luke stepped closer to the mic and spoke into it, looking kinda...nervous? 

“Ohm..Hello everyone! So uh..This song is dedicated to a special someone, the songs called-”

“What’s the special someone’s name?” your eyes travelled to Reggie who asked the question with a huge grin. Luke turned to look at the bassist. If looks could kill Reggie would be double dead. But before Luke could give a voice to his disapproval towards Reggie’s question Julie spoke up.

“Yeah! What’s the name?” she turned towards the crowd and started chanting. “What’s the name?”

Soon Reggie and Alex joined with smiles painted on their faces along with the audience. You were so freaking confused. You looked at Flynn for some explanation but how would she know about it. 

“OKAY, okay, stop!” Luke yelled before laughing a little. “All right I will tell you guys but you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone?”

All of a sudden you felt sick and wanted to get out of here. You were so not in the mood to hear Luke declare his love for someone. 

“This song is dedicated to..To Y/N. Unfortunately she wouldn't be here today but..she is an amazing person. Hope you all like the song.”

He...He couldn’t be talking about you, could he?

He started strumming his guitar and soon Reggie joined in with the bass and Alex with the drums. Jullie clapped her hands together and kept sending encouraging looks for the boy.

“It's too late baby, there's no turning around, I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud, this is how I do, when I think about you,I never thought that you could break me apart,I keep a sinister smile and a hole of my heart” he sang into the mic, his voice filling in the whole club “You want to get inside, then you can to get in line but not this time”

“'Cause you caught me off guard, now I'm running and screaming!” Julie joined in for the line“I feel like a hero and you're my heroine.”

“I won't try to philosophize, I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes, this is how I feel and it's so so real I got a closet filled up to the brim with the ghosts of my past and the skeletons, and I don't know why, you'd even try but I won't lie” Luke sang and you finally realised what was going in. He wrote this song. For you. You looked over to Flynn who nodded towards the stage and mouthed ‘go’.

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine. Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

You started making your way towards the stage, slipped through the cracks between dancing people and singing fans. The further you got the harder it was to get through but you heard Luke’s voice and you kept going.

And I feel a weakness coming on, never felt so good to be so wrong. Had my heart on lock down and then you turned me around

And I’m feeling like a new born child..

You finally break through a few screaming girls and see him.

“-Every time I get a chance to see you smile. It’s not complicated, I’m so jaded.” Luke sings and looks at the audience and- He spots you. Looking up at him with eyes wide open and admiration on your face. His voice cracks because of the sudden surprise of your presence but you smile at him and that is all he needs to continue.

“And you caught me off guard...Now I’m running and screaming”

He sang the song with such passion that even if you weren’t before now you were absolutely sure this wasn’t just a simple crush. 

When they finished you didn’t waste a lot of time, you ran backstage, quickly waving your vip ticket.  You almost run into Julie on your way to the door of the backroom.

“Who- Y/N!”

“This was your doing, wasn’t it?” you smiled at her already knowing the answer. She flashed a toothy grin. 

“Well I had a great team behind me but yeah, Operation FiL was my idea.”

“Phil?” you ask back .

“No, no. F i L. Fools in Love. Now go get ‘im tiger!”

You shook your head and entered the backroom. Luke stood with his back facing you but as soon as he saw you in the mirror he spinned around. For a moment you forgot he was a ghost and ran to give him a hug. 

“Y/N, no-” he put his hands out so he could catch you, simply out of reflex but he didn’t expect to actually hold you in his arms. You both looked at each other with eyes as wide as a 6 lane highway. 

“How can I-”

“Do you care?”  you closed the little distance between the two of you and pressed your lips against his.  They were just as soft as you imagined oh, so many times before. He kissed back gently, afraid that this is just a dream. But this was definitely too real to be a dream. You unfortunately had to pull back to catch your breath but Luke looked leaned closer to press his forehead against yours.

“The song was so beautiful, I loved it.” you whisper. He just stared at you with a smile.

“If I knew you would kiss me, I would have played it a long time ago.” you giggled and brought your lips together for one more kiss. He let his hands wander this time but so did you. Your fingers ran through his brown hair, this being something you wanted to do for so long. He kept one hand on your waist and placed the other on the side of your face.

Your lips moved so in sync like you’ve been doing this all your lives. You were so drawn to each other, you felt like you couldn’t pull away in that moment even if you tried. Like this invisible magical force just glued the two of you to-

“Okay, that is enough! Get out I need to change!” Julie brusted in causing Luke to jump up and cling to you like Scooby Doo.

“Wow, you are so brave.''you laughed rolling your eyes at. “Come on, let’s leave alone Julie. We’ll meet ya at the car?”

 Jules nodded and sent a wink in your way. You walked outside, both of you grinning like idiots. 

“So uhm...Does this make us, Us?”

“Yeah. I mean if that’s what you want too.” you look at your shoes and bite your lower lip waiting for his answer.

“There’s nothing I want more.” he said. “Oh well..maybe another kiss wouldn’t be so bad either..”

[yuujispinkhair]

I ship you with Itadori.

The dynamic?

You're the personification of that one fic where you two are best friends forever until you get a hole in your stockings that show your panties, argue over why the other was staring, and end up doing it ヽ (͡◕ ͜ʖ ͡◕)ﾉ

side note: megumi is you twos babysitter

Awww, Adel, thank you so much! That's so cute and so accurate!! I love that fic so much! Yes, PLEASE, that's what I need with Yuuji. And I agree 100%. Yuuji and I are definitely the friends to lovers trope.

Yuuji and I would get along instantly. He's kind and sweet and seems to be the type of guy who will just talk to a stranger and pull them into his world. I would like his positivity and kindness and how genuine he is. I would feel very drawn to it! He seems pretty extroverted to me, and that would be good because while I find it easy to meet new people, I have a hard time really becoming close with someone because I'm too shy for that, and I always feel like I'm bothering people. But Yuuji would just pull me along with a big smile on his face and talk to me about all kinds of stuff and just involve me in everything and make me feel included and wanted. And so I would open up to him too, and we'd become close friends pretty fast. I think that would really be perfect for us. I am actually getting butterflies right now!! Friends to lovers with Yuuji!! That's my ideal thing! Yuuji would be my best friend and my boyfriend in the same person. I would be able to trust him completely and be stupid with him and talk shit and laugh our asses off together over some really dumb stuff. But we would also be super romantic together without it being awkward. Yuuji would make me feel safe and AT HOME.

I see this kind of scenario: Yuuji and I meet at some party because of a mutual friend. I am instantly drawn to that boy with the bright smile who's getting along with everyone and is laughing loudly and just seems to be himself all the time, without any filter or trying to be cooler than he is. I like people like this, and so I smile at him and join in on some of his jokes and stuff. And he starts talking to me about some random things, and we do karaoke together and just have a fun time. I am laughing so much with him, and we high-five each other anytime we win at a karaoke battle.

When it's time to go home, Yuuji makes the first move by saying we should exchange numbers so we can meet up again sometime for another round of karaoke. And that's how we become friends.

First, we meet up in a whole group of friends, but we also text regularly after a while. Sending each other funny memes at first, and then we start sending good morning texts or "Have a nice day." It's making me smile and look forward to another message from him.

And that's when I slowly begin to realize that maybe I like him as more than a friend. (And it's actually a fact irl that I am very oblivious, and it takes me a while to realize I am not just friends with someone lmaooo). I try to suppress those feelings, though, because I don't want to lose him as a friend, but at the same time, I catch myself flirting with him. But then again, that's part of my personality. I flirt with everyone. Yuuji flirts back and it feels AMAZING! But I tell myself that it's just a fun thing between good friends.

But then I get butterflies anytime he smiles at me or hugs me, pulls me against him when we sit next to each other. He gives me his hoodie when I'm cold one night, and I can't stop burying my nose in it because it smells like him, and it smells SO GOOD it drives me a bit crazy! I want his hoodie forever, but of course, I feel like I have to give it back to him the next time we see each other. But he's like, "You can keep it if you want. It looks good on you."

WE ARE BOTH IDIOTS!! We both want more than friendship but are oblivious or try to tell ourselves that it's stupid.

It goes on like that for a while. But then one night we are on our way back from a night out with friends. It's just Yuuji and me and somehow our hands brush while we walk next to each other and then we just start holding hands. We don't even know who made the first move. But we both don't let go.

And when we reach my place, we just stand there in the rain and keep on talking about the most mundane things because we both don't want to say good night. I end up inviting Yuuji in because now his hair is all wet from the rain, and I don't want him to catch a cold!!

"You can just sleep here. Look, the rain is even getting heavier!"

So he stays the night, and he's trying his best to be a gentleman about it and keep his hands off me. But we watch a movie, and there's a steamy scene, and suddenly the tension between us is so thick! It just takes one little touch of fingertips against Yuuji's arm, and suddenly we are kissing and tearing at each other's clothes.

Luckily it's not awkward the next morning when I wake up next to a very naked Yuuji. We just laugh about how dumb we both were all this time when we didn't realize we liked each other THAT way. He takes me on a date that night and informs me he's my boyfriend now.

HELP, I AM BLUSHING! I AM SO IN LOVE OMGGG

[kabira]

also right i find this super annoying thing about armys tryna ask blinks to shut up about ca bc blackpink does ca too like... is ca simply used to fuel your fanwars? like ok "blackpink did more CA than bts therefore bts is better"... that don't make sense at all seriously it just shows that kpoppies don't give a shit about CA

seriously though i feel like bts needs to straighten up their own fandom it's not like all this shit gets unnoticed... and also armys are so fucking proud of being a bitchy fandom like the number of times i've seen mutuals on twt be like "i miss them but i hate the fandom so much" & armys come swarming in their mentions going "if you want to call us out just say it" and stuff like that... they don't even care lol they're proud of that 'status'

the thing w CA is though, like a lot of the times the idols also don't come out w apologies or anything bc at the end of the day fans are STILL going to stan them maybe a few exceptions but yeah ... genuinely hope bts does at least SOMETHING & armys stop tryna bury it like they did w jim jones (that was fucked up as hell) sigh... sending lots of love your way i hope you don't get too overwhelmed bc these things are crazy 

no fr though......you can tell armys are so proud of this whole spreading terror thing as if that’s gonna earn them brownie points w their group or even anywhere else,, all these people in my inbox were like. you’re being partial bc it’s not your fandom !!!! yeah my fandom, at the very least, pretends to care?? it’s true that none of these kpop fandoms are worthy of trust when it comes to sensitive topics like racism or ca, they only care about it when it hurts their faves or presents an opportunity for them to hurt another’s faves and i’m just so tired of it. armys are vile and it’s so obvious that they would drop poc/lgbt+/literally any oppressed community the MOMENT it’s used against bts. 

i’m kinda pissed that bts doesn’t say anything to them either like,, the exos did it?? what the hell is stopping you from calling your own fandom out? or do y’all only care about love yourself as a paper campaign and not something you’re obligated to tell your own fandom about... armys have reached this whole new level of cult-like behavior that was funny in the beginning but is just disturbing now. they’re definitely gonna bury it, probably calling bts completely unproblematic and respectful as they do it lmfao,, it makes me sick. armys say shit like ‘you guys are lucky we’re so nice, otherwise we’d be doxxing you and getting you out of jobs for not being into bts xoxo’ like. what the fuck. get the fuck off my tl. i try not to use twt but sometimes it’s the best site for updates, and it’s so annoying that i have to deal w these pretentious, terrorizing bitches that move like packs trying to find victims,, they literally camp out under tweets of other groups’ achievements and try to bring them down - why so threatened?

they don’t even see blatant xenophobia when it’s happening right int front of them, happening to their own group - it’s like they USE bts to feel some sense of achievement or something, because we all know most of these k-awards are fan-voted and essentially useless,, they fight among themselves, with everyone else, hype up all kinds of western validation and say ‘bts paved the way’ globally w/o even acknowledging the harm their faves/they are doing to intl communities by burying their mistakes? hell i KNOW the jin issue is going to be buried, i know nothing’s going to come out of it and bighit’s going to ignore it bc not enough fans are talking about it. what the hell yknow? fuck them both.

[thomas-mvller]

Tag games x 283129

Hello everyone so uh lately i've started to be more active on my music sideblog which means i've been hearting stuff like crazy for the past couple of months aka all the things i've been tagged in has been buried under all that nonsense SO because i hate leaving things undone i thought on doing them all at once and tagging a bunch of people so they can get a little distraction by doing them (as in, not all of them but whichever they might want to do)

Again: you do not have to do all of them, not even one if you don't feel like doing so! there's a game for everyone so hey!

Tagging: @havertsz @foreverbayern @germanynts @sherlockisonfire @debushit @sadiiomane10 @miasanmuller @elishamanning @abcde-fc @bbjim @littletentaclemonster @tamtam-elizabeth @minimalloss @pearfight and whoever wants to do this! if you see it, consider yourself tagged >:))

Alright, here we go:

1) I was tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth and @/sadiiomane10 to post a capture of my lockscreen, homescreen and last song i listened to. Thank you both <3

I used to be very annoying when it came to changing my lock/homescreen so now i just don’t do that often anymore (previous to that my homescreen was a pic of lfc winning ucl OBVIOUSLY) also i haven’t really been listening to music lately but i did have a depeche mode phase like two weeks ago and this was the song i replayed the most so hey!

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2) “Get to know me” tag

Tagged by the always thoughtful @/tamtam-elizabeth , thank you and i’m sorry for taking so long ;-; <3

Name: Cloud

Birthday: sometime in november

Zodiac Sign: scorpio

Height: 5′4′’ or 1.65 (last time i checked..... which was like seven years ago)

Hobbies: lately it has been sewing facemasks 😂 that aside i like watching movies, random videos on yt, baking and crafting sometimes

Favorite colors: black, red and teal

Favorite Book: don’t think i have one :o

Last Song Listened to: barrel of a gun by depeche mode

Last Movie Watched: currently watching prince of egypt. if that doesn’t count then ben hur 😂

Inspiration or Muse: i really don’t know what to say here 😂

Dream Job: i still haven’t given up to my goal but at this point i just want a job that gives me stability and zero worries

Reason Behind my URL: Thomas Müller (German pronunciation: [ˈtoːmas ˈmʏlɐ]; born 13 September 1989) is a German professional footballer who plays for Bundesliga club Bayern Munich. A versatile player, Müller plays as a midfielde- okay no in all seriousness yess this url is bc of a football player 😂

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3) Ten songs playlist tag

Tagged by the joy that is @/foreverbayern and the always sweetest @/havertsz . thank youuuuu <3

Rules: We’re snooping through your playlist. Put your entire music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs and then choose 10 victims.

Some months ago I made the mistake of transfering the songs i had in my old computer to my current laptop and there are some stuff that just........ should not be acknowledged so i can’t do shuffle HOWEVER i will choose ten random songs i’ve listened to/discovered this year (technically speaking is the same) so here it is:

art-i-ficial by x-ray spex

sunny afternoon by the kinks

desire lines by lush

paper cuts by incubus

pure love by hayley williams

spirit by bauhaus

no one knows by screaming trees

let’s love by suho

all we need is a dream by cheap trick

cosmonauts by fiona apple

bonus: you’re so close by peter murphy (god i adore this song)

I wouldn’t be surprised if these aren’t your cup of tea tbh 😂

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4) “Core aesthetic” tag

Tagged by @/havertsz - i’m sorry for the delay ;-; and thank you <3

rules: search your name + "core aesthetic" on pinterest, get a moodboard & select a few photos that come up

i can’t really use pinterest so i googled it instead, as you might’ve guessed this is what i got 😂

ps: i’ve been informed not to use pinterest so if you wish follow this post’s indications

ah this is so pretty, i loved doing this!

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5) 

Tagged by @/germanynts @/havertsz and @/elishamanning to do this tag, thank you all <3

rules: describe yourself with pictures you already have saved. no downloading or searching for new ones. then tag 10 people.

if you want further explanations for each pic... ask ahead 😂

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6) “bold what applies” tag

Tagged by the always enJoyable @/foreverbayern, thank yoooou <3

rules: bold what applies to you and tag a bunch of people

- Appearance

I am over 5’5 // I wear glasses/contacts // I have blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (had three...) // I have at least one tattoo // I have blue eyes // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look  // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball caps backwards

- Hobbies and interests

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with my friends // I travel during school or work breaks // I can do a handstand

Relationships

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush  // I have a best friend I have known for ten years // my parents are together // I have hooked up with my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long-distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

- Aesthetic

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep (i did that for a long time and i sicnerely don’t recommend it) // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire (quick story time: one time when i was 12 my friends and i sneaked into our seniors’ school anniversary activities and they lit this huge bonfire near the football field, it was nuts) // I pay close attention to colours // I find mystery in the ocean (spoopy shit) // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // Autumn is my favourite season

- Miscellaneous

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote(s) // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick-shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

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my god this is getting embarassing i had stuff long due ;-;

7) 

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth. think you for thanking on me when doing tag games, i mean it :-: <3

How old are you?: 24

Surgeries?: one

Tattoos?: none yet ://

Ever hit a deer?: i have never seen one so... no 😂

Sang karaoke?: yeah... years ago 😂

Ice skated?: nope

Ridden a motorcycle?: had the chance but nope

Ridden in an ambulance?: nope

Skipped school?: a handful of times

Stayed in a hospital?: for a few hours

Broken bones?: nope

Last phone call?: i haven’t called anyone in ages 😂

Last text from?: my mom

Pepsi or coke?: coke but i don’t mind having pepsi

Favorite pie?: haven’t had one

Favorite pizza?: chorizo + corn + red pepper

Favorite season?: autumn

Received a ticket?: don’t even know how to drive

Favorite color?: black, red and teal

Sunset or sunrise?: both!

Favorite Christmas song?: don’t think i have one, maybe universe by exo?

Cupcakes or cookies?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good q, cookies?

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8) “find your match” tag game

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth, you’re allowed to punch me in the face at this point

Rules:

Take the test

Reblog this post with what type you got

Tag 7 mutuals to do the same!

I got the Dreamer and my ideal partner would be The Innovator ?)

Seek out opportunities to collaborate with INNOVATOR types, who combine your lofty idealism with a focus on pragmatic solutions. The grounding energy of the INNOVATOR can inspire you to apply your imagination to real-world change.

that’s deep fam 😂 but okay!

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9) “get to know me tag”

Tagged by: @/littletentaclemonster . thank you and sorry for the delay ;-; <3

nickname: cloud zodiac: scorpio height: 5′4″ / 1.65 last movie I saw: can you believe i managed to watch another thing while making this? anyway it was The celluloid closet last thing I googled: block site extension favorite musician: as of right now? depeche mode song stuck in my head: you’re so close by peter murphy other blogs: @/brltpop and @/s-lay-ing amount of sleep: as long as i can get (usually 7 or 8) lucky numbers: don’t think i have one dream job: whatever gives me stability what am I wearing: pajamas  favorite food: chinese, mexican and italian language: which ones do i know? spanish and english somewhat. i want to learn japanese and german :c can I play an instrument: nope favorite song: atm is YOU’RE SO CLOSE (8) random fact: my nails usually grow sort of square except for my thumb and index fingers, they grow round for whatever reason describe yourself in aesthetic things: ?????????? idk man, messy room? loose clothes? football? cd’s on a shelf, posters on the walls ?????

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MY GOD WHY AM I LIKE THIS????????? 

10)

Tagged by @/littletentaclemonster you too can punch me in the face

Rules: Bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR: I have small hands • I love the night sky • I watch small animals and birds when I pass them by • I drink herbal tea • I wake to see dawn • The smell of dust is comforting • I’m valued for being wise • I prefer books to music • I meditate • I find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE: I don’t have straight hair • I like to wear ripped jeans • I play an organized sport  • I love dogs • I am not afraid of adventure • I love to talk to strangers • I always try new foods • I enjoy road trips • Summer is my favorite season • My radio is always playing

WATER: I wear bracelets on my wrists • I love the bustle of the city • I have more than one set of piercings • I read poetry • I love the sound of a thunderstorm • I want to travel the world • I sleep past midday most days • I love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • I rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • I see emotions in colors not words

EARTH: I wear glasses/contacts • I enjoy doing the laundry • I am a vegetarian • I have an excellent sense of time • My humor is very cheerful • I am a valued advisor to my friends • I believe in true love • I love the chill of mountain air • I’m always listening to music • I am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER: I go without makeup in my daily life • I make my own artwork • I keep on track of my tasks and time • I always know true north • I see beauty in everything (sort of) • I can always smell flowers • I smile at everyone I pass by • I always fear history repeating itself • I have recovered from a mental disorder • I can love unconditionally

Water an aether huh, i don’t know what to do with this information 😂

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if you ask me i would very much appreciate it if you do the songs playlist tag bc i need recommendations thanks. Also massive apologies to the ones that were due since last year I had them in my drafts i swear!

Stay safe everyone :D

[lowplainlowinthemorning]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but what's up with the Courtney Love controversy? Why are people accusing her of manipulation or whatever? I'm totally new to this discussion

hey darling!! no worries, I love discussing Kurt & Court bc theyre my surrogate parents and they emotionally raised me when I had a difficult relationship w my Mom and Dad, plus I’m named after Kurt and he’s part of the reason I realized my ~gender~, so needless to say I have a surplus of information on them. Plus their music fucks. anyways, this is gonna be a masterpost-

my credentials(sources I have taken my information and formed my opinion on Kurt & Court’s relationship from if u need to look into them):

-Heavier Than Heaven(Book by Charles Cross, authorized by Kurt’s estate. Charles Cross is a well known grunge/music historian and has literally devoted his life to researching and writing rockstar biographies, including several on Nirvana. One of my favorite books ever.)

- Montage Of Heck(Documentary on Kurt’s life. Produced by his daughter, Frances. I have some heavy criticisms of this film and of the interviews in it, but it does have some reflections on Kurt and Courtney’s relationship that I think are important.)

- Hit So Hard(a documentary on Hole’s drummer, Patty Schemel. Minor discussions of Kurt and Kurt and Courtney.)

- Verse Chorus Verse(Fan-made documentary series on Kurt’s life, widely regarded by Nirvana fans the most in depth play-by-play biography that exists- and it’s free on YouTube, which is lit.)

sources I don’t pull from, but many younger Nirvana fans do(the people who buy into the conspiracies generally):

Kurt and Courtney- A documentary made in the late 90’s under the guise of biography, but is actually about the conspiracy theory that Courtney killed Kurt. I saw it when I was a new fan and I literally laughed out loud from how apeshit it was.

Soaked In Bleach- ‘Biopic’ about Courtney killing Kurt. I haven’t seen it but straight men who think Courtney is ugly take it more seriously than the Bible. Very little truth ever goes into these theories, besides maybe names and dates.

Anything Hank Harrison(Courtney’s father) has to say- He wrote a book on the subject. He also gave her acid and lost custody of her when she was three years old. He’s a shit parent and I doubt he’s actually seen his daughter since the 80’s.

Anything Buzz Osborne(Kurt’s friend, singer for the Melvins, a band Kurt looked up to in Montesano) says- I think Buzz’s opinion is taken way too seriously by a lot of the fan base, I read an interview of his criticizing Montage Of Heck because Kurt ‘didn’t really have a stomach disease’ and was just lying about it to get high, and also about how he hated having to see Courtney naked, and made a good long point about how disgusting her body is. IOn top of all that(none of which really has to do with critiquing the film...?), he mocked Kurt and called him a loser for committing suicide. I don’t care what your opinion on his stomach, his wife, or his music is, that shit is callous and idiotic, but totally reflective of the 70’s and 80’s mentality regarding the mentally ill. He’s part of the legion of pretentious punk dudes who *kind of* knew Kurt, who think Courtney’s the one who ‘corrupted’ him, which brings me around to answering your question.

So, there’s this idea regarding Kurt and Courtney’s relationship, which is pretty similar to the one surrounding Sid and Nancy’s(or at least used to.) Courtney is the whiny, annoying, petulant bitch who attached herself to the first trophy she could find, and through her terrible manipulative personality kept him with her and kept him from getting better. In this mode of thinking, She’s also the person who ‘started’ him on drugs, and in a few people’s eyes, the person who ‘forced’ him to have Frances.

The reality of the situation, as I see it, as someone who’s gone to pretty decent lengths to inform themselves on the subject, is that Kurt and Courtney’s relationship was toxic: But the toxicity was mutual. This doesn’t mean they were a “problematic” couple, or that they were abusing each other, or even that either one of them was ‘evil’, it means that they fell deeply in love as young trauma survivors with substance abuse issues and huge ambitions. That’s a lot to put on any relationship and it’s a lot to talk about, so I’m gonna split this into categories of complaints that you’ll hear pretty routinely as a new Nirvana/Hole fan.

1. “She got him into drugs!”

Courtney started on heroin in the late 80’s in L.A., when she was still playing with Sugar Baby Doll(her band with Jennifer Finch and Kat Bjelland). Kurt, as said in Heavier Than Heaven, tried heroin for the first time around 1988-1989(I don’t remember exactly.) At the time, he was still living with(though I don’t believe they were still dating) Tracy Marander. Because he was destitute, he didn’t have enough money to start forming an actual habit until Nevermind started gaining speed, and by the time he and Courtney started dating(they met a couple of times and phoned a couple of times before cementing a relationship) he had been taking it for a while. That’s the thing I think people look over when it comes to Kurt- He was embarrassed about his addiction and he hated the physical side effects, but he loved heroin.

Courtney says in Montage Of Heck that she had both tried and kicked heroin by the time she met Kurt, but I think the Heavier Than Heaven description is probably more accurate: That she did heroin socially, and her addiction worsened after the two of them began living together because Kurt was(in her own words) ‘obsessed with oblivion.’ She also said in Montage Of Heck that his dream was to ‘Get to three million dollars and become a junkie.’ She’s stated several times that her drug problems came out of a need for ‘comfort’, and Kurt was into getting so fucked he couldn’t do anything else(also confirmed by his friend, Dylan Carlson, who was also into heroin and did it with him often.)

On top of that, Courtney was the one who orchestrated interventions for Kurt, went through the process of reviving him when he’d overdosed, and broke his syringes/scared off his dealers to try and keep drugs away from him as much as possible. At one point, she even made a rule that no drugs were to be done in the house- So he started renting motel rooms and doing them there. It was she who was the head of his final intervention before he went missing.

If anything, Courtney is the person who tried her hardest to keep drugs away from both of them. Considering how much people still talk about her doing heroin while pregnant(which occurred very early on before she was aware of her condition), Kurt is the person who struggled the most to stay off drugs during her pregnancy and after Frances’ birth, even going so far as to hide in the bathroom from her while she was struggling with morning sickness so she wouldn’t know he was getting high.

2. “She manipulated him into dating her/marrying her!”

Here’s the thing about Courtney; She is an enigmatic, entertaining, talented, maternal individual. Here’s the thing about Kurt; He’s a shy, quiet, non-confrontational guy with mommy issues. There’s been a lot of discussion on how Courtney was ‘obsessed’ with Kurt, and how she wouldn’t rest until she pinned him down: That’s untrue, or at least it reads less like crazy-bitch-steals-rock-god and more like cute-singer-has-crush-on-fellow-cute-singer. She was really into him, but when she met him she was still dating Billy Corgan, which deterred her from pursuing him until that relationship(basically) dissolved. When Kurt met her, he had just gotten out of a relationship with Tobi Vail, which most likely fell apart because she refused to be what Tracy Marander had been for him. She wasn’t interested in caring for him and she wasn’t interested in a full-time monogamous relationship. She was working too hard at her own career and was way too involved in the burgeoning riot grrrl movement to worry about looking after Kurt Cobain. That just wasn’t going to work for him.

Kurt was a big believer in the nuclear family model, he was very monogamous, and besides that he lacked the ability to physically take care of himself. If he wasn’t living with a partner who would clean up the house and remind him to wash his hair, it just didn’t happen. He was chronically ill, depressed, and he’d spent most of his adolescence AWOL from anyone who would actually raise him, so Tobi’s rejection deeply hurt him for a number of reasons- While Courtney, the opposite of Tobi in a few key ways, was exactly what he wanted. On top of looking like the archetypical punk girl, “I was attracted to her because she looked like Nancy Spungen,” she had a maternal streak (In Montage Of Heck, when he’s found sitting beside her while she cuts his hair, and, typical for people living with Kurt, mentions that she cleans the house because ‘nobody else fuckin does.’) Early on in their relationship, Kurt had a meltdown and begged Courtney to come to his apartment. She did, and looked after him the rest of the night, a pattern which would become common for them, and was stated by her half sister to be the ‘original strain on the relationship.’

Besides her mothering elements, Courtney was brassy and loud, and her presence allowed him to be less introverted and freer with himself. She was an ambitious young musician who shared a similar childhood to him, and had the same yearning for a safe home life that he did. She was well-read and artistic, and introduced him to the literary side of music creation, which he hadn’t explored yet. After spending a night on the phone with her, he went around telling everybody she was ‘the coolest girl in the world,’ and broke off another burgeoning relationship with Mary Lou Lord on live TV after spending the night with her. The famous quote, “Courtney Love is the best fuck in the world.” is in fact real. And yeah, he could’ve handled that one better.

The attraction was mutual, and I find it hard to believe that Kurt was ever forced into anything romantic with her based on how well she suited his tastes.

3. “She used him for his fame/money!”

As stated above, Courtney was attracted to Kurt before Nevermind was even recorded, and if she wanted to marry a famous dude right out the gate, at the time they met there were plenty of people who were way more famous than Kurt. In Heavier Than Heaven she mentions really liking their song “Dive,” and later in life she mentioned hearing “Sliver” and being impressed with Kurt’s writing abilities. Both of those songs were released a solid two years before Nevermind. She was interested in Kurt because he was cute and talented and she was savvy in the music scene, meaning that she kept up with underground bands.

Now, a point of contention between Kurt & Courtney was their different attitudes towards fame. That is entirely true. Courtney wanted to be famous, enjoyed celebrity, loved attention, and could handle touring, press, and the craziness of success. She was very charismatic, very physically strong, and let’s face it, definitely an attention whore. Kurt liked being praised, he liked being successful, and he definitely had a thing for attention- But he hated pressure, he had inferiority issues, he didn’t know how to handle his life being pried into all the time, and he wasn’t strong enough to do massive tours. Courtney just didn’t understand that, which is pretty common if someone doesn’t share your same mental illness/physical illness: Touring hurt Kurt’s stomach, it worsened his anxiety and emotional instability, it wore his body out, it didn’t agree with him. He loved playing live but couldn’t handle the mania or the travelling, meaning he didn’t mind blowing off huge tours that would bring in loads of money. Courtney, who did feel envious and intimidated regarding his success, would get angry at him for that- She didn’t want him to blow off massive paychecks and press coverage because it’s not what she would’ve done. I definitely side with Kurt on this, nothing is more frightening and frustrating than people trying to force you to do things you can’t handle health-wise. Courtney, being naturally business-oriented, was also aware of how things appeared to the public, and definitely cared about their image more than Kurt did- One of their fights revolved around her nagging him about how important the “Heart-Shaped Box” music video would be for him, and how he should look good. He reacted by stubbing out a cigarette on his forehead and saying, “Do I look fucking good enough for you now?”

So yeah, Courtney, like a lot of people in Kurt’s life, was all about furthering his career and success. A lot of people read that as her being money-hungry or manipulative, in my opinion it’s just a natural response from a person who’s spent their whole life trying to be a success and wouldn’t really get there until 1994. I think some of it was envy and I think some of it was her using him a little vicariously, neither of which are healthy but neither of which are malicious, either. She wanted to be a rockstar, she was ready to be a rockstar, she wasn’t; He thought he’d wanted to be a rockstar, he didn’t really want to, he was.

4. “She emotionally abused him!”

I hate to say this because I love Kurt so much but, as someone who’s been through a codependent relationship where they were bailing water out of a sinking boat, Kurt’s behavior throughout their marriage set off way more red flags for me than Courtney’s did. I don’t think he was actually abusive, but I do think he was a little too underdeveloped and unresolved to be married to someone. He had to grow up slower than everyone else because he missed out on having concrete mature influences, which Courtney did as well, and like I said earlier I think a lot of their problems came through a lack of adult communication skills. Both of them were really jealous people: Courtney couldn’t stand Kurt talking about Mary Lou Lord or Tobi Vail, Kurt was completely convinced that Courtney was cheating on him with Billy Corgan(even going so far as to talk to their lawyer about a divorce shortly before he died.) This was the catalyst for a lot of mind games and unnecessary drama, especially coming from Kurt.

Kurt couldn’t handle conflict. He was really passive aggressive, and would do things to purposely piss Courtney off or communicate to her that he was displeased. While she was trying to stay clean he would declare that he was going to do drugs in the apartment, when she started talking to a psychic to help her with her problems he mocked her and put her down, when she staged his final intervention his entire argument against rehab was that she was just as ‘fucked up’ as he was(she had already agreed to go into rehab, though whether he was aware of this or not I’m not sure.) He made his first suicide attempt by overdosing on Rohypnol on their wedding anniversary because she took some pills and fell asleep and he decided that meant she wasn’t interested in him anymore. I’m not arguing that that’s an irrational response to your partner getting stoned and falling asleep, especially when he’d apparently set the night up to be as romantic as possible, but the overdose put him in a coma and sent Courtney into hysterics.

Her mental health began to decline due to paranoia that he’d end up dead, and her weight dropped due to the added stress. As someone who’s been through a pretty similar situation to that and exhibited the same symptoms, I can tell you that it is never okay to use a suicide attempt to deal with a perceived injustice from your partner. By this time, Kurt was facing either getting clean or dying, and his behavior was very depressed and erratic, so there are explanations for the way he was acting and I don’t think he was trying to manipulate her with a threat. Despite my understanding of that, there is nothing more exhausting than being the caretaker of someone who is hellbent on never getting better. I can’t imagine being the caretaker of someone who won’t stop until they’re dead, and I do think at that point it would’ve been better for them to separate.

But that isn’t to say Courtney wasn’t toxic herself, I’m not trying to paint a wholly negative image of Kurt here. I’m merely trying to stand in the way of Nirvana fanboys who have no grasp on the more sickly sides of his personality, and give Court a bit of a break. Definitely, she struggled with her jealousy: As stated, she never wanted his ex girlfriends mentioned around her and would tear them apart if they were. She was ambitious and career driven, which eroded a lot of her platonic relationships/working relationships as well her marriage to Kurt. She was one of the people who was pushing him to recover in time to play Lollapalooza, and she was one of the people who pushed him into his last stunted tour before his death. She weaponized his relationship with Frances in ways that I and most people agree are gross: She told him he should be playing massive gigs to support his daughter(though their medical and legal bills were big they were hardly poverty stricken), and admitted in an interview later that she called him in rehab once to tell him he’d dropped Frances on her head(She mentioned during this that Frances was wearing a furry hood, and that he didn’t hurt her. In my opinion he was doing his best by even trying rehab again, and that he was already so worried that he was a terrible father that it was just cruel to make him feel worse.)

She has a tendency to be self-obsessed, and to put her own self interest before people she cares about, even if she regrets it later. She struggles herself with mental illness and addiction, both of which tend to give a person poor judgment regarding the people they care about.

Once again, Courtney and Kurt weren’t a healthy couple, but it wasn’t because they were evil or abusive towards one another. They cared for each other deeply, they had a very pure devotion. Underlying all this nastiness were two people who prayed together, wrote together, fantasized about a Valentine’s Day wedding, and faxed each other R-rated love letters like modern versions of James Joyce and Nora Barnacle. During one of his more successful stints in rehab, Kurt wrote Courtney love letters every night(though he did decorate them with blood, wax, and semen.)

They had some serious therapy they needed to attend, the both of them. But 90% of these demonizations of Courtney are either untrue or blown out of proportion.