#i don't fucking UNDERSTAND why my digestive system is DOING THIS

[cripplecryptid]

Breathing exercises my beloved

[synchodai]

"Mystra groomed Gale" takes rustle my jimmies like no other. I get how some people who don't know much about her beyond BG3 may have this interpretation, but if you're like me, a woman who's been playing since the days of AD&D, you'd understand why accusing Mystra of being the bad person in this scenario may hit a nerve.

TL;DR: Did Mystra take advantage of Gale's devotion to her as his goddess? Definitely, she's a Faerûnian deity — they subsist on worship and adulation. Does that make her his abuser? Eh... man, maybe it's high time that a lot of us learn different terminology for unhealthy relationship dynamics other than abuser-victim. I've seen a couple of posts that are really gung-ho about forcing every companion character to be some sort of abuse victim, because that's what they've decided the game is about. I mean, they're free to interpret the game that way, but damn, we're really out here flattening god, the very concept of magic itself, into the role of an abusive ex, huh? A fantastical, nuanced relationship between mortal and immortal set against the backdrop of a rich palimpsest multiverse digested like a YouTube drama video.

Let me try to explain my perspective by going through the history of Mystra, how she's utilized in Forgotten Realms lore, and treated within D&D games in general.

MYSTRA THE MAN-EATER

Since her creation, she has always been depicted as the sexy goddess whose main purpose was to be a wizard player's muse as well as their patron. Back then, D&D (and TTRPGs in general) was a heavily male-dominated hobby, so Mystra (and Mystryl, her avatars, and all her other incarnations) was catered and shaped by that demographic.

Because it's the player characters and Wizards of the Coast who have narrative agency and many of them want to fuck a goddess, they make stories where Mystra comes on to them because their character is just so good at magic. They designed Mystra to be a mysterious, beautiful love interest because they wanted to use her as the crown jewel of their power fantasy of being a super cool and powerful magic man. You can pretty much see this in the Elminster books and the Avatar series with Midnight (one of Mystra's avatars). Gale himself seems to be an exploration of this typical kind of wizard character.

As far as power fantasies go, making the goddess of magic have an intimate relationship with a mortal character is fine. It's the ultimate validation for a burger-flipper when the god and all source of burger-flipping is head over heels in love with them. It also doesn't have to have a sexual component to have "magic" and the magic system itself enamored with a character — depending on the game and DM, Mystra's favor can be entirely symbolic and metaphorical. A fine power fantasy in the power fantasy generation game.

So because everyone literally wants a piece of her, you end up with Mystra having more Chosen running around than any other god. Understandable given what she has to do to maintain her massive portfolio. It fits her as the personification of magic — someone who entices ambitious young spellcasters but burns them out through obsession and overreaching. Consume any Forgotten Realms-related media, and you've probably come across at least one campaign, novelization, or character backstory that use Mystra for the role of sexy sorceress goddess that's the alluring (yet often demanding) patron of some magic man. Whomst amongst our wizards haven't been visited by Mystra in the night ordering him to do plot point, he rolls to seduce her, and she has no choice but to admit that she's actually attracted to him because the dice said so? It was a community inside joke passed around tables: Mystra the Man-eater.

But then some BG3 fans started taking the joke seriously...

MYSTRA THE GROOMER AND WHORE

This piece of dialogue has done so much irrevocable damage.

Some (Galemancers specifically) have interpreted this to mean that Mystra is known to go after young men. She does not. She has more documented Chosen than other gods due to her massive portfolio and power level, but there are just as many female Chosen as there are male Chosen. Minsc, like most of us in this fandom, is speculating and doing so in a way that uplifts Gale at the cost of taking a bit of a jab at Mystra.

"Mystra's a whore. She boned Kelemvor and Elminster and so many of her Chosen, taking advantage of them as a goddess," they say as if she didn't have her romantic relationships all as different people and in different bodies. Her avatar Dasumia was the one who had an intimate relationship with Elminster, and it was the human Midnight (who later ascended to become Mystra) who was Kelemvor's lover (who himself was a mortal adventurer at the time).

This is why Mystra is, how other people put it, "a whore." Because WotC canonized a handful of those stories where different sexy female mage love interests whom otherwise have nothing in common are slapped with the Mystra label for one reason or another. Sometimes they're mere avatars or magical projections, sometimes they're actual people possessed by Mystra, and sometimes they're destined to be the new Mystra but don't know it yet. But those sort of nuances are lost to people who learn their lore secondhand from deliberately provocative tweets and reddit posts, flattening extremely fantastical relationships to clumsily fit a more relatable framing that'll net them more online engagement.

I don't want to argue what is and isn't grooming. But I have encountered arguments taking Gale's mentions that he was "a young man" to mean Mystra groomed him as a child. But I doubt he would have said "young man" if he meant child...

Mystra took off the gossamer veils from her body to fully reveal herself to him — or whatever romanticized way Gale tells you that they were intimate. The man speaks in half-abstraction and metaphors because it's revealed later on in the romance that all their love-making happened outside the Material Plane. They were very intimate, but never physically had sex (or had any physical contact at all because gods are only allowed to interact with mortals through their avatars or projections). If Mystra "groomed" Gale, so did every other god who revealed themselves and made themselves vulnerable to their followers. Shar grooms her justiciars when she brings them into her dark embrace. Umberlee grooms her clerics when she swallows them up and gives them her wet kiss.

MYSTRA IS A FAIR GOD ACTUALLY

Look, gods in D&D-verses are, more often than not, dicks. They have to be or else there would be no need for adventurers to fix wrong-doings if the gods weren't so detached to the suffering of mortals and regularly making earth-shattering calamities.

Mystra, as a patron, is actually one of the more fair and hands-on dieties. She's one of the few gods who rewards benevolent ambition and punishes destructive hubris, knowing the line between the two. In the Elminster series, she (or one of her avatars) assists Elminster in taking down one of her rebel Chosen who has abused her blessing to become a tyrant. Azuth, one of her Chosen, has achieved godhood through her. In fact, she is divinely obliged — forced against her will, some might say — to help mortals she would personally rather smite. There have been so many instances where Mystra has to be the bigger person. As far as gods abusing their followers go, Mystra is low on that list.

There are barely any stories of magic abusing spellcasters, but there are cautionary tales aplenty of spellcasters abusing magic.

ON GALE SPECIFICALLY: HOW IS MYSTRA THE BAD GUY HERE?

Gale is the first to tell you that he "violated her boundaries." Mystra told him not to mess with the Tome of Netheril and he did it anyway, so he's fully aware that the orb in his chest and his fall from grace is his own fault. Mystra didn't cast him aside just because she felt like he was getting too big for his britches. His actions actively endangered her and the Weave.

(Mystra is wrong about certain details on the Karsite Weave if we're going by Forgotten Realms lore, but she's not wrong about its existence being a danger. BG3 takes a lot of liberties with the world Faerûn, so I can't definitively say whether Mystra being wrong was her lying, Larian rewriting canon, or this incarnation of Mystra not knowing the true nature of the Fall of Netheril. I could go on about what effects the Karsite Weave actually would have on magic, but this post is already long enough. )

Gale only starts to resent Mystra when she asks him to detonate himself. Elminster makes it sound like an order, but from the way she doesn't punish him in the epilogue if he chooses to keep the orb, it feels more like a suggestion. If Mystra wanted Gale well and truly dead, she has so many options.

Throughout Faerûn's history, Mystra herself has constantly been betrayed and taken advantage of — her power coveted by ambitious men who claim to worship and love her. Honestly, as far as goddesses with traumatic histories of being killed by ambitious men go, she's pretty chill about Gale. The fact that she allows him to become the god of ambition in the end if you choose that path? Well... let's just say she's not the one who looks like the evil ex who was only with their partner to take advantage of them in this scenario.

CONCLUSION

Mystra isn't the only goddess to have romantic relationships with her followers. I've already yapped on about how Forgotten Realms writers and D&D players love to make goddesses fuck their heroes, and all that pearl-clutching over "power imbalance" and "consent" is moot when the mortal party is actively rolling to seduce the divine entity.

But notice how the male gods rarely have intimate relations with their mortal charges? It's almost as if Mystra was objectified for years by horny nerds to be the sexy sorceress who validates the more important male hero. Fast forward years later, she's now being slut-shamed for all the lore of her sleeping with the more important male hero by a new crop of fans who would love to think they're more progressive than the horny nerds of the 80s, but fall into the same trap. Mystra has so much potential for complexity, but they choose to flatten her because they ultimately don't care about making stories involving complex female characters.

Instead, one of the most powerful beings in Faerûn has no bigger role in this universe than to be your girlfriend or your current boyfriend's evil ex. Wow, the realms of your creativity and respect for women truly know no bounds.

[freebooter4ever]

a close friend of mine said 'you deserve this. you've worked so hard to get healthy' when i mentioned that work wanted me to come into the nyc office in person. and that sort of language when talking about health still bothers me so much. did i 'deserve' to be born with this physical illness that gradually disables people over time? did i 'deserve' to get food poisoning that introduced bacteria into my already dysfunctional digestive system and over a month suddenly caused symptoms that were worse than i could ever imagine? did i 'deserve' to get ill?

if the answer to all that is no, then why do i 'deserve' to get better? are there people who don't deserve to get better? what about the people whose bodies don't respond to treatment like mine is. who maybe didnt have a history of dance and athleticism that let me fight the dizziness and weakness brought on by the illness? what about the people who cant afford or dont have the time to wash and wear compression gear every single damn day? the people who cant afford to overhaul their entire diet and cook all their meals from scratch? the people who cant go to physical therapy every week? who cant afford the medications or the insanely expensive specialist doctors? i have savings, i have a career that always allows me to work from home and work weekends when necessary. this has literally saved my life.

this kind of thinking - the way our (lets face it religious based idealogy) society places moral value on health. we condemn those who get sick and see illness as something that only happens to bad people. unless one of the morally righteous gets sick themselves. then suddenly they are the exception. and often they cant understand that everyone is the exception and nobody deserves to get sick.

i want more empathy in the world, i want education as a focus, i want us to teach the next generations how to see when others haven't been given a level playing field compared to themselves. these were my dreams as a kid.

instead we got fucking fascism, defunding of health research, whispers of eugenics for the disabled and neurodivergent, a 'leader' so idiotic he makes bush look like the competent good old days, a sexist backlash that is as scary as the fifties, and a world that excuses na*zi salutes from a man aligned with white supremacy.

im so tired sometimes. sometimes i feel like im doing 'illness' and 'disability' wrong. that im not the type to be proud of it, that i dont want to be inspirational or positive. but i also absolutely refuse to be the stick that abled bodied people use to beat anyone ill who hasn't been as lucky as me. nobody 'deserves' the random lottery draw that means good health or bad. it just fucking happens.

[vickytaa]

Those Blue Eyes"

Part 2.

(part 1)

"Can you move idiot?" Matt said.

I felt his blue eyes on me.

how could he be such a bastard? He didn't even bother to say hi.

As I walked away from the department, I felt my mind burning. How could he be so rude? Did I do something?.

3:00 pm

I was trying to do some homework when I heard my phone buzzing. It must be Nick.

Nick

heyy girll, do you have any plans for today??

Y/n

hii, nop. I was doing hw, but I wouldn't mind taking a break :)

Nick

Alright, wanna come here to start the science project??

Y/n

on my way.

I was so excited, I dressed up with a white T-shirt and grey pants.

I walked downstairs and grabbed my keys.

While going to Nick's house, I was looking at every building. It was all too different from home. My vision started to get blurred. I missed home. Family. Friends. I haven't been a full week yet, and I already missed home.

When I arrived, I asked myself if I really wanted to be there. Before I could think of an answer, the door opened, and there he was, standing right in front of the door. "Nickkk!" he smiled and stepped away, inviting me to come into the house.

As soon as I passed the door, I could feel his presence, his eyes on me. I felt like I was in another dimension. Why? I don't even like him.

I turn so I can see him sitting on the couch next to Chris. He smiled, and I thought I might pass out. He is such a dickhead but that doesn't stop him from being so fucking pretty.

We sat on the dining table and we all started to take out our books.

"So, here it's says, 'To start, choose a human body system'." Chris says

"I think we should do Digestive sistem, we all know about it and it's the easiest one." I suggested, and they all agreed except Matt. He was quiet, so I looked at him to ask again, and his blue eyes were staring at me. Our eyes met. I know I wasn't the only one who felt the tension in the air. Why in school was he so different? Is he the same person?

"Uh, yeah, sure" He says, as a little smile formed on his face.

We started to search images and information about it.

As we were getting tired, I heard Chirs say, "we should play Mario Kart."

"Suree, I love this game," I said, excited to play, a bit nostalgic because it was my brother and I 's favorite video game.

While playing you could see how good I was. I was killing them. And there faces where priceless.

And when it finished I was so happy, laughing at them, but not in a bad way. They were laughing too, but more because Chris was shocked, he has always been the best and you debated him like nothing.

Soon the sun came down and I knew I had to be early at home so I grabbed my things, and I looked at them, smiling, they looked like they were having a great time, me too, so I thank them and made my way out.

☆

When I arrived I saw Jess sitting on the couch while looking at her phone.

"I told you it would be easy for you," She whines. I giggle. "So, tell me about it"

"They are triplets, Nick, Chris and Matt.

Nick is so sweet and funny, but Chris is the funniest and weirdest." I laughed."And Matt.. he is so handsome, but I don't really understand him, I know it's the first day I met him, but in school, he is a person, and out of it is another completely different."

"Don't worry, girl, they are men. Nobody understand them." And we both laughed.

When bedtime arrived, I laid down, closed my eyes, and there he was, again.

Those Blue Eyes he got, his brown hair, and the way he could undress you just by looking at you was unique.

And my memory of him staring at me and then smiling was all over my thoughts. I couldn't take it out of my mind.

But then I remembered, tomorrow was my first volleyball practice here. I'm so nervous. What if I don't get with any of my teammates? would they be better than me?

My mind was killing me slowly.

☆

Matt's Pov

When I first saw her enter the class that day, I was shocked. How is she so beautiful? But damn, she looks stunning.

When the teacher said the project was with groups of four, I looked at Chris and Nick, and they asked if we should ask her to be with us. It was her first day, so I thought she might have no friends yet.

"Hii, my name is Y/n." I tried to look everywhere, avoiding her. I knew that if I looked at she, I might be an hour staring at her.

Later that day, I was walking towards the PE department, and suddenly, I saw her. She can't know that I like her, even if I just met her, and didn't know her last name or her favorite food. "Can you move idiot?" I said. Wow, now she thinks I hate her. Why did I say that? She is not Chris or Nick to talk to her like that.

☆

Nick said Y/n was coming, so I tried to look as good as I could.

When I saw her pass by the door, my heart started to go faster and faster, but when she looked at me, I pretended that I didn't care, although I had been waiting for this moment all day.

We sat at the diner table, and we started to take out our books.

I couldn't take my eyes off her. I tried, but just couldn't.

"So, here says 'To start, choose a human body system'. " Chris said. "I think we should do Digestive sistem, we all know about it and it's the easiest one." Y/n suggested. I wasn't paying attention to her words because of his beauty. Then, she looked at me like she was going to ask me again. Our eyes met. It was such a beautiful moment. Wait, we are talking, and my brothers are looking at me. "Uh, yeah, sure." I knew she could feel the tension between us.

Then, when we were playing Mario Kars, I was actually shocked. How is she so good at this? She is breaking our three asses. When the race finished, I saw Chris's face and started laughing so much that my stomach hurt. Such a good time.

Then, I watched her leave, a bit sad because it's been a long time since I hadn't laughed that hard.

As I fell asleep, all I could think of was that 5 seconds when our eyes met. Y/n couldn't leave my mind. Why? I barely know her.

☆☆☆

_______________________________________

Omgg I'm so excited for what is coming nexttt. :))

hope you liked it.

Remember that my first language is not English, if I have any mistake let me know :)

Final part

Tag list: @amelia-sturniolo3

[mleprae]

I have heard of the concept of mirror life, but I never considered reading about it, today I decided to do so and my GOD it's so fucked up.

SO

fucked up.

Many molecules that are important to us are chirals, which is when their image cannot be superposed on itself, chirals have a mirror version of itself which is then called homochirality.

Think like, your hand, both of your hands are the same, but you cannot overlay them on top of one another without flipping one. That is what homochirality is, the molecules are the same but they can't be imposed on one another without being rotated or flipped, this is a very important phenomenon to us; because we evolved to use this to our advantage. You can't shake someone's right hand with your own right hand, and chemistry works the same, glucose (sugar) is a good example, we can only digest the right-hand version of glucose, and while the left hand one exists and we can manufacture it, we can't digest it, because our bodies have the left-hand equivalents! And left hand doesn't goes with left hand. Our proteins are left handed, the sugars of our DNA and RNA are right handed, carbohydrates, lipids, all of these are chirals as well.

Every life on earth, uses the same direction, no matter what. The mirror life proposition is, that an organism could have the opposite direction, so theoretically these guys could digest left-hand glucose, because their "receptors" are right handed. So they're chemically reversed, why would this be an issue? Well, an organism that is reversed can easily match with us, and since their chemistry reflect us, this means our immune system wouldn't be able to recognize them, given that they don't mirror their receptors. (A normal bacteria would have a 'right hand' receptor whereas a mirror-life bacteria would have a 'left hand' one, your immune cells are left handed, they would not be able to detect the mirror life.)

Not to mention, these guys won't have predators or natural enemies, because they're mirrored, pathogens are a good example but any other bacteria can cause issues as well, another great example that many use is cyanobacteria. Yes, the guys that caused the first extinction in the world god knows how long ago, their overpopulation due to lack of enemies could wipe entire biomes if left unchecked. It's all a bit scary! However, the prospect of mirrored-life is also very interesting to me, I don't understand about chemistry enough to explain why, but the concept (and the name) is very fascinating. We're a still bit far from being able to create these guys but the discussion around it has been steadily growing (Science posted a paper about it this month). I hope I get to live long enough to see these guys, and I hope I die soon enough to not see them wipe off humanity.

[troglobite]

more we/ight and f/tphobia thoughts, specifically abt we/ight l/ss methods

Full Opinion/conspiracy-sounding nonsense, even though that's not the aim

as always, if sensitive or not the headspace, do not read. this is me thinking out loud.

--ended up thinking out lout a lot more than i thought, so it's a long post. less angry than other posts, but still, sensitivity warning applies.

i could probably make a tl;dr post that would be less personal/rambly and make the point concisely, as well, and might do that.

i've realized that g/l/p/1/s literally just feel like the anti-f/t version of c-o/in/te-lp/ro

like they released this shit, made it easy, affordable, had insurance cover it, sold it as "healthy and safe", said it wasn't meant to be a we/ight l/ss drug, it just happens to do that, so let's sell it for that and Help Save Lives!

in reality it paralyzes the digestive system, in some cases permanently, and when you don't have DMII, it just suppresses your fucking app/etite

it's just an eating disorder in a vial

are there reasons to actually take it? as far as i can tell, yeah, sort of? i mean i inherently don't trust the way the medical field as a whole treats t.2.dm bc it's so inherently victim blaming and f/t-shaming and they seem to want to refuse to admit that it's ALSO genetic and that it's abt in/sul/in resistance as a mechanism of the body and not like "you ate too much sugar and now your body is broken" like that's just not how it fucking works. period end of sentence. it's not true. it's genetic and autoimmune.

BUT if it really works through other methods besides suppressing app/etite to help balance things in bloodwork and help ppl feel better re: t2d, then, cool.

but my point is this

it's spread SO FUCKING FAR among f/t communities bc of this successful (and completely bullshit) messaging and marketing

it's fucking evil

and what has been the ultimate result of this?

rifts in the fucking community

bc instead of being aligned in saying that the we/ight l/ss industry is evil and exploitative and inherently DOESN'T FUCKING WORK

now everyone's screaming "IT'S MY CHOICE!!! IT'S MY CHOICE TO TAKE THIS DRUG!!! FUCK YOU!!!"

cool now we're infighting instead of being a united front against these forces that would seek to kill us.

and why?

bc their drug and their marketing has managed to win over enough ppl from our cause that now they're arguing--like fucking babyass "fe/mini/sts" that REAL freedom and progress is all about PERSONAL CHOICE!!!!

it's not.

but i have to put "bodily autonomy, do whatever you want" on everything i fucking say lest someone lose their goddamn mind at me

like. this isn't abt YOU.

if YOU have hangups and insecurities abt your choice, that's YOUR problem.

and it doesn't even make you a bad person!

i might be fucking annoyed to hell w you, but that's like. me being annoyed w you.

it's not my fault for correctly and accurately calling out the structures that surround us, the messaging around it, the systemic bigotry responsible for this shit.

and like it's not denying bodily autonomy to say that, the VAST majority of ppl who make these choices re: the drugs discussed here, or the surgeries i've discussed elsewhere--are NOT making that choice themselves.

by which i mean: yes, you had the power to say no OR yes to the drug/surgery. ultimately, you were the one who signed off on it, and you decided you were okay w that happening to your body.

but you are lyyyyinnggggg to yourself and everyone else if you think doctors and commercials hawking this stuff at you 24/7 and living in a f/tphobic society had NO IMPACT ON YOU

no, you're not a child w no understanding of anything

but like. fucking christ, man. these forces influenced you.

from personal experience and interactions w ppl irl and online, you can't make the choice to do those things^^ and actually be fully healed from societal f/tphobia.

which is NOT to say its equal and exact opposite, that if you DON'T make those choices, that you ARE fully healed.

no, what it means is--someone who is fully healed is, for the most part, never going to make that choice. why? bc those choices are WILDLY detrimental to health and mental health, are extremely dangerous, shave YEARS, if not DECADES, off your life, and have irreversible consequences. (actually irreversible consequences, like permanently removing or damaging organs that are necessary to sustain your own life. believe me, i am always thinking abt autonomy re: transition & all medical care like this. and idealistically, i fully support anyone's choice to do that. but we live in a world that forces ppl to make these choices, and forces ppl to NOT make choices for transition, etc. so, difficulty, nuance, etc.)

now, lemme be so clear

there are obviously exceptions. if you're forced into it bc you need surgery and you've tried literally every option available to you (regardless of how many options that is--if you're in the US or medical treatment is inaccessible in any way, just bc there are few options doesn't disqualify the fact that you've exhausted all of them) and you are FORCED to engage in these dangerous things in order to get your surgery to improve your health otherwise

obviously there are exceptions, and that's^^ just one

but even then. are you making the choice? or were you forced into it?

i've just seen firsthand so many times how far back the proliferation of these drugs has set us. it's disgusting.

there's really nothing else i can compare it to--in terms of source and impact--than co/in/tel/pro.

is it an organized govt thing that seeks to destroy a legitimately threatening (to the bullshit status quo) social movement?

no, not real.

but in source and function and impact, it's the same.

the system we're fighting against

infiltrates our ranks

w something that turns us against each other

and we become so caught up fighting each other

that we are no longer a united front against our common fucking enemy

in other words, i would appreciate it if i could stop having to handhold through conversations abt these drugs and the surgeries bc you made that choice (not in a vacuum, pls just admit that to yourself, it'll be better for your mental health in the long run)

and instead it would be GREAT if y'all could fucking reconcile your choice w the fact that these industries do not seek to treat us as people or respect our lives, personhood, or autonomy

these industries seek to DESTROY us. they want to PUNISH us and DISAPPEAR US from public life.

there is NO. ABSOLUTELY NO. medical reason to ever undergo these procedures/drugs (sans like, temporarily escaping f/tphobia [which is only a maybe] and like, one of the couple of ways the drugs might actually treat something other than w/eight], and drs who hawk them are fucking snakeoil salesmen who permanently damage the bodies of the ppl that they're SUPPOSED to be HELPING and HEALING.

these things are, actually, new, and the studies deliberately stop following ppl after a certain point.

if i want to get caught up in the tangled web of autonomy & transition as it relates to this, then there is very little medical risk associated w transition--it's the same as if you were cis. things just switch out. treatment's have been around forever. and all the functions that are changed aren't things that shave decades off your life or impede your body's ability to sustain itself. they, perhaps, only impact the ability to create new life, and even then, ppl are working on changing that to some degree and making it possible.

BUT, for this conversation, what matters is:

what forces are at play in whether you get these treatments/surgeries or not? what direction are they pushing? what are the actual, material risks and consequences? and what are the pay offs?

for transition, the only risks are societal or the average risks for a cis person.

the benefits are incalculable bc of mental health.

and also i want to be clear

if someone wants to do that for shits and gigs, HAVE AT IT.

anyone should do anything they want whenever, etc.

and again--idealistically that would also be true abt these drugs & surgeries i'm talking abt here.

but this shit doesn't happen in a vacuum.

transition is gatekept unnecessarily. ppl are kept from it and convinced not to do it. forced to jump through ridiculous hoops to obtain it.

but THIS shit? they hand it out to fucking everyone before they'll even consider any other options for you. no matter how dangerous.

what bigots THINK drs do w transition is what's ACTUALLY happening w we/ight l/ss drugs and surgeries.

and in a world where THAT is the norm, where the messaging is so pervasive that it's in every fucking ad and commercial everywhere, when the systemic problems are literally fucking daily, and the stress of it feels inescapable--of course ppl give in and willingly undergo those things. to try and avoid and escape the barrage of f/tphobia. of course.

and feeling better abt your we/ight can remove some of the stress you felt, and that stress alleviation might improve some of your symptoms!

and you can convince yourself--and drs will use [general] you as proof--that it works! that being f/t is bad for you! that things improve when you lose wei/ght!

even if it's not true. even if, when it is true, it's not the act of being f/t or losing we/ight that influences health outcomes, but the response of the world around you.

make whatever choices you want with your body. but

stop making it other f/t ppls' problem and fault when you have insecurities abt it

reconcile your choice with your politics and morals on your own time instead of seeking absolution from fellow f/at/ties

be honest abt where you really are w f/t acceptance and healing your relationship w your body if you've made these choices. you're not wrong or broken. you haven't failed. you're in a shitty situation. but lying to yourself and others isn't going to help. and i'm just saying to be honest--i'm not telling you what that end result of honesty looks like. [don't spiral abt this if you have moral ocd--first off, this is my opinion and thinking out loud. and second, i literally don't know you. and third, by being honest, i just mean...well, what i discussed above. it's not a moral failing to still struggle w f/t acceptance and body im/age]

keep joining us in the fight against these heinous and evil industries. don't abandon your allies. i'd rather you didn't INCESSANTLY blame f/t ppl for your insecurities around your choices and all that shit, but if you want to talk abt your experiences and be honest and upfront, that could be helpful. but for the most part, sharing that shit is just not necessary.

anyway the kind of vitriol i've seen from fellow f/at/ties who've drunk the kool-aid, so to speak, has been horrendous.

it doesn't affect me the way they hope it does, bc really all it tells me is how badly they feel and how poorly they're doing. and it just makes me sad for them.

but not everyone is at that point. and the anti-f/t vitriol from folks who won't stop talking abt this shit and, like white ppl who hate hearing that they're ra/cist bc they live in and were raised in and benefit from a r/aci/st society, keep lashing out and take it personally every time they hear "the we/ight l/ss industry is evil and exploitative and needs to be destroyed"--y'all are doing damage.

the rest of us have been trying to carry on as we had been before all this shit happened. and it's hard.

for me, not bc it's somehow hard to resist these drugs. the opposite is true for me, there. the more i see this shit the more angrily anti-we/ight lo/ss industry i become.

but bc the conversation keeps being about you instead of the fucking enemy

it's set us back so fucking far.

and that's typical of individualistic usamerican bullshit, yes. it's VERY easy to foster and exploit.

but it is fucking maddening.

like every other movement, collectivism and a recognition of what power there is and where it truly lies is important. and so to get bogged down in this fucking 1st grade "fe/mini/st" bullshit of "UMMM ACTUALLY it's anti-f/t if you MAKE FUN of ppl who CHOOSE TO LO/SE WE/IGHT!!!!!!"

wasn't making fun of you

how is haranguing the we/ight l/ss industry anti-f/t, dipshit

personal choice is not the beginning nor the end of actual fucking activism and politics. wtf is wrong w you.

can we pls move past the fucking "but it's MY CHOICE if i want to shave my whole body and wear 2 hours' worth of makeup every single day and act disgusted when women choose to not do those things! and it's MY CHOICE to be a stay at home mom and a housewife and homemaker!!! THAT'S what's empowering to ME!!!!"

cool it's not abt you, you fucking dipshit

it's abt the STRUCTURES THAT ARE AROUND US and the FORCES THAT INFLUENCE THOSE KINDS OF "CHOICES"

fucking christ.

it's not abt YOU and your fucking personal journey and experience w your body

it's abt everything AROUND YOU that made those choices available, hawked them harder than every other options, and convinced you that that was a Good Choice.

you aren't oppressed for making the choice society told you to make.

cis gnc ppl aren't oppressed for not transitioning.

women aren't oppressed for choosing to be a hyperfeminine homemaker

like. pls. have some fucking awareness of how ANYTHING works in society.

we can't keep getting caught up here, going all the way back to the fundamentals, the fucking remedial bullshit, while you whine and cry abt PERSONAL CHOICE!!!!!!!

you're ruining everything for everyone.

and this is me complaining at length abt it instead of being "productive" or whatever, idk.

and i sound "mean" in some spots bc i'm mostly just tired and annoyed.

i've handheld as much as i can but there comes a time where you just have to accept what you've been doing and sounding like, and decide to change and move past it.

and as a half-white person, i've had to do that shit. i've had to sit w discomfort! and look at mistakes i've made! really stupid ones! and accept that i'm going to continue to do that! and i have to not make it anyone else's fucking problem. i can ask for help or guidance, i can seek out information, but if i walk into a room that's trying to change r/a/cist policies and waste everyone's time asking questions and demanding that they, personally, assuage all my feelings and make ME feel better abt MYSELF and being half-white

then what the fuck am i doing? i've wasted ppls' time and taken up space that wasn't mine and impeded their ability to actually do shit

that's what y'all are doing in comment sections and irl fucking EVERYWHERE.

cut it the fuck out. do your work on your own goddamn time. sit with it. really really SIT WITH IT. discomfort is normal and healthy and okay.

and yeah, i'm still learning this shit too! it's tricky!

and i HAVE ocd, i know it's easy to get caught in spirals!

but really i'm not telling anyone how they feel or how they should feel, i'm saying stop making it everyone else's problem in public forums that aren't for litigating your own personal choices

if you wanna talk to friends or therapists abt it, that's good! unpack your shit!

but f/t activist spaces online ARE NOT THE FUCKING VENUE unless you are SPECIFICALLY INVITED TO DO SO.

and lashing out at other f/t ppl bc we're annoyed w you?

you just sound like every other bigot in life. is that really what you want to aspire to be? just another thin piece of shit who can only feel good if making everyone else feel terrible?

come on.

[deeptrashwitch]

Task Force 267

A team composed only by spec ops Marines (Raiders), created after the first gulf war for light infantry interventions and sabotage missions. It has, always, six members and the command officer, no register of secondary teams. Its motto is "never doubt, do the mission", that reflects exactly how the TF works.

Last mission known: Operation Firewall

Current status: Desauthorized

Stationary base: Camp Lejeune, NC

Former command officers: [...] Cpt. William "Artemis" McAllister (2000-2005), Cpt. Oliver "Deepwater" Reyes (2005-2010) and Cpt. Alicia "Guardian" Marchant (2010-2016)

Note (??): Artemis has been taken care of, Guardian is more difficult

CIA contact link: [Redacted]

Actual members: Lt. Richard "Blade" Porter (2016) (deceased), Sergeant Leo "Tiger" Jameson (2016) (deceased), Sergeant Kate "Hope" Petrova (2016) (deceased), Corporal Sean "Marble" Walker (2016) (deceased), Private Arthur "Lotus" Greenhill (2016) (deceased) and Private Jason "Runner" King (2016) (deceased)

Note (??): What a shame. They were as stubborn as their Captain

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Richard "Blade" Porter

First words: "Private Porter, ready for service!"

Last words: "I'm sorry Guardian, but I can't do this anymore. It's my turn to protect the team"

Cause of death: Silt throat.

Leo "Tiger" Jameson

First words: "Pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm Private Jameson"

Last words: "Please, no more...just no more"

Cause of death: Bullet wound

Kate "Hope" Petrova

First words: "Private Petrova at your orders, Captain! I'm ready for the mission!"

Last words: "CAPTAIN! PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP! I BEG YOU!"

Cause of death: Chemical burns inside the digestive system

Sean "Marble" Walker

First words: "Good morning Captain, we are ready to go"

Last words: "It hurts so much, but I'm so tired..."

Cause of death: Blood loss

Arthur "Lotus" Greenhill

First words: "Captain, it's a pleasure"

Last words: "Forgive me, I never...sorry. I'm sorry"

Cause of death: Bullet wound

Jason "Runner" King

First words: "Hi Captain! I hope we can work well together"

Last words: "Mom...I wanna go home. I wanna see my mom. Please Captain, can we go?"

Cause of death: Bullet wound

Alicia "Guardian" Marchant

First words: "I'm Sergeant Marchant, welcome to your new life, Privates"

Last words: "Kill me already. You took everything from me. Fucking end with this..."

Cause of death: Unconfirmed

Note (??): Unfortunately we lost comms with Orisha to be sure of the cause of death

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Archive 0834173: Last Meteor (June 20th, 2016). Seventh interrogation. 10 minutes. [Corrupted audio]

▶️ ------------------------- 0:00/10:08

"Won't you talk? You know the price"

"...I'll never w[static]"

"It's a shame. The spec ops soldiers are well valued as mercenaries"

"Fuck off"

*horrified screams (2min)* *sobs*

"Where is the team assigned to Lebanon?"

"K-kiss my ass"

"As rabid as a dog even wounded, huh? Then maybe [static]"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THEM!"

"Wow, I might have found your weakness, Guardian. Bring the other one!"

"NO! WAIT! DON'T DO ANYTHING TO THEM! PLEASE!"

[Static] [Static] [Click] [End of record]

Note (??): Interesting...apparently Guardian is this loyal to her people. This is something I need to see later

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luke felt nausea when he stopped reading and hearing, throwing to the side the earphones while feeling a chill down his spine. He wondered why Wraith gave him that archive, it didn't have anything to do with their mission on Madagascar. As well, hearing that voice he knows so well, it was terryfing.

He walked out of his office with the archive, going to Alicia's office. For a second he doubted before knocking and entering, looking at the Captain and their Coordinator.

"I don't understand why are you giving me this, but if it's a joke...never do it again" he hissed while giving the archive back to Wraith

"A recorder?" Alicia muttered while taking the earphones

"Wait Captain!"

Then the woman pressed play and for a second nothing happened, but then she got pale and her face filled of fear. She practically ripped off the earphones, throwing them with the recorder to the floor. It shattered and she stumbled back, almost falling. Luke was quick to hold her, surprised to feel her shake out of fear and to watch her eyes filled of tears.

"Why he has this?" she whispered towards Wraith, now filled with anger "why do you gave it to him?"

"I didn't" the agent said with surprise "this archive was presumed lost"

"What?"

"I'll explain you later, I promise, but I need to investigate all this. Mostly who is Orisha"

"Carabalí, he was Orisha. That's how he referred to himself"

"Then I'll look who gave this to Lieutenant Michaelis and who was the last one to edit this archive. We'll talk later"

Like that, Wraith left the office and Luke let go Alicia, who just looked at the void for a second. The red-haired was worried for her, and tried to take her back, swallowing his own questions. But then Alicia sighed and blinked before sit down in front of her desk, feeling suddenly weak.

"Do you need water, Alicia?" he asked, sitting by her side

"No...no, I'm fine" she said while nodding "you may have questions, do just one and I'll answer"

"...Why they put you as dead?"

"I don't know, but probably they thought that I was dead once I stopped moving"

"Stopped moving...?"

Alicia didn't answer, but Luke could see how her eyes lost any shine they had, and how she tensed as a wire. That was enough answer. It was better not to ask.

"If it makes feel any better, I'll be by your side if you have to face that past again..."

"Thanks boy" she whispered with a bitter smile "but you don't need to see what would I become if I ever face my past"

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Fun fact: I have some kind of auto-immune thing that fucks with my digestive system. We don't know exactly what it is, so it's been hard to treat and manage, but our best guess is that it has been lifelong, exacerbated by stress and resource scarcity, and by any insult to my digestive system whether physical (e.g. injury or infection) or biochemical (medications that can harm the liver, exposure to allergens/toxins/etc)

At this point I have:

- nearly died of malnutrition (diagnosed via blood test) twice

- had my gallbladder removed due to the presence of stones and massive infection

- been diagnosed with liver cirrhosis that is just on the edge of remaining functional

- been diagnosed with dry mucus membranes that make infections more frequent and harmful

- been diagnosed with OVER FIFTEEN DIFFERENT INTESTINAL INFECTIONS via gut biome culture testing including multiple treatment resistent strains that most likely originated in a hospital environment

- not dipped below 270lbs (41BMI) since I was in high school

As my doctor describes it, the experience of consistent access to caloric value without the ability to process complete nutrients from it (whether because there aren't enough present to be processed, or because there's something medically wrong) keeps your body in a constant state of nutrition-seeking/nutrition-storing, while also exceeding the base energy requirements my body is enforcing (when your body thinks it's starving it will often adjust how it functions in order to reduce how much energy gets spent day to day so that more energy can be stored for the feared future instability/resource restriction). So my body is inclined to build a healthy fat reserve for a feared future of resource instability and has plenty of food energy to do so, but continues to lack adequate nutrition in order to release the restriction response or to run a healthy body.

I'm sure this is wildly simplified for patient accessibility, I'm by no means a medical doctor. But my understanding of why this can matter is that this process extends the length of time in which one can survive resource instability, making it genuinely adaptive and an effective survival strategy!

But eventually, every human body will hit its wall. As far as it is capable of sustaining itself on a nutritional deficit before it just...can't anymore. Our organs have been overworking for too long or our maintenance functions have been intermittent/on hold for too long due to starvation restriction, or our body has canabalized itself beyond functionality, or WHATEVER. But the body needs to be able to leave that resource restriction to survive and heal.

Many of us never will.

I know that my housing is stable now. My medical care and mental health care are supported now. But I still struggle to eat in ways that allow my body enough nutrition. My organs continue to slowly fail. I *do not know how to fix this* but because it is as advanced as it is, doctors can't ignore it or put it off for long anymore (and believe me they try, I always have to force the testing that will actually confirm the issue).

I don't know how much of my remaining symptoms are resource instability, and how much are continued medical needs. It's hard to tell. But I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Unfortunately, I think it's MANY of our realities, and I think because so few of us have access to spaces or people or knowledge would help us seek effective care, a lot of us deal with intense shame around how our bodies are being harmed. Embodied trauma, particularly chronic and systemic embodied trauma, can be so violating and dehumanizing, and I'm really not sure enough of us are able to escape or heal the effects of that.

I don't know what that person was interviewing for but I hope they got it, because bullseye.

[tielt]

There's been a swift increase of people talking about karma and sometimes dharma. I'm a foreigner to it, but I've studied it enough to inform some basics about it and I feel the need to because unfortunately I have made some influence to use it incorrectly.

Karma is all things that happen. Every experience and incidence. Calling someone a karmic makes no sense because we are all constantly causing it regardless of how detached or how removed. It's often said good or bad, but most advanced practices see both positive and negative karma as bondage to Samsara and the goal to cultivate detachment from all forms of it. Many types of monks believe garlic and onions are not vegetarian because it causes intense pleasure and they avoid this.

I lean more toward the Hindu practices and that makes sense because I'm pagan. I try to cultivate living deliciously and for others to experience what they enjoy and to not feel guilty or negatively about things which are good for parties involved. The Gita, the main Hindu text is much about the responsibilities of your interactions and I like the warrior spirit of making choices that are not always free from violence when necessary or when just. There are some hardcore Buddhists who are also not people you would want to fuck with, Vai was one of these, I'm much more into walkaway but I throw down more than Buddhists tend to.

Dharma is not as I've heard it called 'good karma.' Dharma is the prefrontal lobe of spiritual practice. The 'how' and 'why' of how you relate to your spiritual practice. A master and an initiate of the same practice have different dharma. It is what places you in the context. As a layman/artist/mystic my dharma is with creation and destruction of harmonic entropy from and back into chaos. I like to study what puts me in and out of flow states or try to understand why patterns form almost automatically. I can't speak on other peoples dharma because I don't know it, you get to define your purpose.

If I had Sangha I would probably be studying Shaktism more, these days I consider myself a pet of a young incarnate I imagine like Falin and Thistle relate. I'm currently struggling with the scale of it all and it's difficult to not fall victim to some type of spiritual bypassing to digest it. I keep ending up as an externality and not the correct advisor to others in how to exist in their context. I suffer from systemic enforcement of who is allowed success and wise people probably do not see my advice as pertinent. I just wanted to clarify the general terminology.

[nsfwmiamiart]

Incoming Text for @zoesaldana and @rosariodawson : Do you know why I write to you every day?

Hey Zoe & Rosario!

Do you want to know why I write to you every day? Because I know you both have health issues, and I don't want to cause stress in you. If I ignore you, you might lose your appetite and then lose sleep, becoming insomniacs. So I decided to write to you every day to help you deal with my abandonment.

Zoe Saldana's health information is here:

Zoe Saldana has publicly shared that she has been diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder in which the immune system attacks the thyroid gland. This condition can lead to hypothyroidism, where the thyroid does not produce enough hormones, affecting metabolism, energy levels, and overall health. Symptoms can include fatigue, weight gain, hair loss, and muscle weakness. Saldana has mentioned managing her condition through a healthy diet and lifestyle choices.

Rosario Dawson's health information is here:

Rosario Dawson has shared that she has celiac disease, an autoimmune disorder where the ingestion of gluten leads to damage in the small intestine. People with celiac disease must follow a strict gluten-free diet to manage symptoms and prevent complications. Symptoms can include digestive issues, anemia, fatigue, and other health problems. Dawson has spoken about adjusting her diet and lifestyle to cope with the condition and maintain her health.

This is why I'm very kind to you both. I don't want to break your hearts and then have you become depressed because of me. Get it?

I'm very lenient and tolerant with you because I understand you are dealing with a lot of pressure. I love you and I care about you.

I hope you forgive me for insulting you sometimes. I have to insult you; it serves a purpose. A lot of international criminals read my page, and it confuses them. When they read my blog and find these insults, they get so confused they don't know who is who, and they don't know what the fuck is going on.

This is how I make sure they will never harm you. You are innocent women.

The end of this conversation.

I hope you will never get sad because of something I say. I'm never mean to you. I'm always kind with Zoe and Rosario. I'm a gentleman.

Your virtual friend and sometimes imaginary lover,

Angelo.

[tcock-of-the-walk]

I was supposed to schedule a CT scan within 24 hours of it being ordered. On a Friday.

I tried to get the prerequisite bloodwork done for my scan and the lab can't find the order for that.

I tried to call the hospital I'm getting the scan done at to schedule and they can't find me. I was told my physical copy would suffice. We drove 20 minutes to the hospital. The physical copy did not suffice.

I tried calling my insurance because the only thing I could think of was that my Urgent Fucking Order had gotten stuck in Prior-Auth Hell.

They don't even have it.

The doctors office says they sent it.

Okay, but where the actual fuck did it go????

I can't eat until I get this done! I'm on clear liquids only until at least Tuesday! I doubt they'll get me in that fast, considering the EEG for a seizure I had in January isn't until August! (I will literally be allowed to drive again before they are able to scan my brain to make sure it didn't go fucky for some reason other than adjusting my meds.)

I don't understand how this shit happens. What's worse is that I know it probably never actually got sent. My doctor's office is part of a chain here that is kind of notorious for being shit at sending orders or referrals. I don't know why. They always say they've sent it. I can call them and ask them to send it 3-4 Times before it actually finally goes where it needs to. I don't know if they just have a crappy computer system or if they somehow forget or just don't want to or what but it's been a known problem with them. I just thought maybe something this fucking urgent would matter enough to make sure it sent. Especially after the hospital itself fucking requested it from them. I am currently stuck basically starving because I suddenly can't digest anything (instead of just most things) correctly and we don't know why.

(Tangent below the cut because I started thinking about how much I hate doctors and lost track of my main thought.)

I'm so tired of doctors. I just want this test done so they can tell me what I already fucking know so maybe I can get treated for it after having been in and out of the hospital and being truant from school because of it because even though I was going to the doctor nothing was being diagnosed so obviously that meant I just said I didn't want to and my mom just said "lol ok". I literally felt like I was fucking dying and had no idea what was happening to me everyday since I was 8. How do you send a kid to school like that?

Like, I'm glad I'm finally getting the diagnosis I need for my conditions now, but it should not have taken this long. It should not have taken 13 years of pain and suffering and as many doctors and hospitals as it did to reach the diagnoses I am receiving. If I had been able to receive them at a younger age I might have been able to get some fucking help. I could've been on disability already and not had to fight this probably losing battle with the government. But no diagnoses means no "consistent treatment" for the conditions they wouldn't tell me I had, which you need if you want a layer to even look at your case because the court is so stringent about it. At no point did anyone think "Maybe we should take the kid out of school/accommodate them long enough to figure out what's wrong so maybe their family can afford to take care of them so whatever is wrong doesn't get worse". It's fucking incredible to me that anyone can see that happening and not understand that, yeah, maybe something is going on with this kid that can't make a full week of school and is constantly in pain and vomiting.

[boyakishan]

Don't mind me ranting here, but my theory on why we don't know how humans work is a mixture of things:

Number one: do you understand how many fucking things the human body can decompress, strip down and reuse?

Because I've skimmed a paper talking about a few different kinds of varying carbohydrates in just the wheat species group (family?). And like. I just remember a lot of words which translate to "sugar" and attributes to a long chain of different attributes.

So like. Firstly, the range of fucking food break downs and all that, is so much information to mention and then like. Not talk about.

Second: do you understand how fucking stupid the system we do understand on how humans break down food?

Because here's what I've managed to understand.

You've got your natural bodily breakdown, which it can digest certain foods from certain things better (see Asian spice tolerance difference between European spice tolerance for an easy example). And like. There's also resistances against certain foods, allergies against foods and that confusing headache.

And I've not even gotten into the actual breakdown differences and I've got a paragraph.

Third part: the moral thingy.

Let's say we could organise people onto vague groups for scientific purposes. The kind of studies required would both be highly expensive and depending on how they're run, highly unethical.

Lock a bunch of people into a diet for the rest of his life and or record everything they eat and with information from the prior two points. We could keep running these experiments for years and still not get any conclusive results.

So like. Idk. Rant over.

Why are agriculture classes the first time I've learned extremely basic info about nutrition and how digestion works. Why isn't this stuff in health textbooks or any easily accessible resource about healthy eating.

[sleepingchurch]

I'm fucking fat and bloated from eating so much food. And I dont sleep so I my digestive system is fucked. So I'm spending everyday in crippling pain from holding in everything at work, because i try for 20 minutes every morning snd cant go, and by the time I get home, I've tightened my core so much for so long, nothing comes out.

I don't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I try so so so hard to get good sleep. To get enough sleep. I'm going to bed at fucking 930 how am I getting less than 4 hours total when that should set me up for 8 solid hours.

I work fucking everyday, still don't have enough money for literally anything. And now, they've been trying to send me home early by an hour. And they've tried to do it twice just this week. That's $26. That's 2 packs of cigarettes or half a tank of gas or dinner and lunch or cat food and toiletries. Like $26 is absolutely necessary considering what i get normally isn't enough.

My mental health is only getting worse. I cry every morning when I wake up from being exhausted from trying to sleep. My meds aren't doing shit at this point. I'm over eating and still unsatisfied because I'm not eating food I want. I'm eating whatever there to eat. And everything I wake up at night I've gotten into the habit to go eat fucking sugar.

I'm falling apart. And I'm bot ready for work at all and I have to go so fast now but none of my chores are done because I have so little energy to do them so my laundry is all in my hamper that I have to now dig through to find some clothes and my body hurts from needing to shit.

I can't keep losing my hours to being late. I used to have a schedule. A morning routine and I stuck with it and I could go to work and it not hurt and now, with g around, I can't function.

The mental illness is really mentally illnessing right now. I don't want to detach from them and I don't want to be angry at them but I am. I'm pissed they get to eat and sleep normally that they get to stay home. I know they're unemployed and it's freaking them out but like I want to stay home too.

I dont know. If I were actually on time I'd be leaving in 10 minutes to get to work 10 minutes early. But I'm still on the fucking toilet. Trying.

And why am I having such a hard time shifting when all I do is fucking eat? I mean I don't fucking understand.

This is too much. My life is too much and I don't want it anymore. There aren't good parts. There's escaping the really bad and the really bad. And no matter what it's exhausting.

I want to be done.

[sachisei]

10 Compliments I Would Give Myself

I love my taste in books, movies, anime, etc. I won't fucking trade it for anything else. What I enjoy reading and watching shows a lot about who I am. And it's usually garnered on what I also value in life. So even if it's cringey or basic for others, I love stories about relationships, community, creativity, and self development.

I take pride on writing my poems to not make them very easy to read or digest. I understand that poems don't have to be read to be deciphered. While I do want to convey my own emotions into my poems, I also want the readers to make their own conclusions when they read what I wrote. I don't necessarily have to write for myself. I want to also write for other people to gauge. I normally write poems that way, unless I had a really rough day and decided to write about that shitty feeling then it becomes more apparent that it's my perspective. Anyway, I don't think it's ridiculous to write poems that way. In fact, I think it's beautiful to have a bit of "hmmms" when you read a poem, you know. Make those brain cogs working.

I'm smart. I can be lazy and distracted and clumsy and uninformed, but I really am smart. I know my way out of my own problems most of the time. I complain about shit cause it's annoying.

I am self-sufficient. This is related to number 3. I rarely ask help from others because I try my damn hardest to find a way to make shit work for me. At the very least I would ask people what they think about stuff, but I still ultimately decide for myself. That's pretty girlboss of me, not even gonna downplay myself on that.

I am very caring towards friends. At this point I dont really know if it shows in the manner I speak with friends, but I intensely pay attention to their moods, health, and circumstances. Friends, to me, is not as simple as connections or people I vibe with or people I can rely on. Friends are people I've sworn myself to protect and support at all cost. That's why I'm selective and careful of who I consider as friend. I can't afford time and energy to do that for anybody.

I like to call myself a fast learner, although it's usually hit or miss. But on a good day, I am. I will also research on my own to do shit better than what is expected. My bosses should give me a raise, but then I also don't want attention. Sigh. What a pain.

I am quite confident these days. I feel proud of that. I can only thank my past self for hanging in there. You know what…

I am proud of the progress I made every year. I don't fundamentally change that much, but my tone does. I feel a lot calmer than years ago. And I learned many things that will stick by me as early as in my twenties. Damn, I was more resilient that I thought I could be. Or maybe I'm just a pushover.

I can accept criticism of output and performance fairly well. In fact I seek out negative feedback more than positive ones. I'm kinda weird like that when it comes to stuff I work on. Idk. I like that about me though.

Although I'm ambitious, I'm not arrogant about my status nor do I overestimate my capabilities. I hate hierarchies, but a system is necessary to avert disorder. And I'm glad that I haven't once succumbed to feeling smug about any of my accomplishments. It's good to feel happy about it, but not to rub it off on anybody's face. Like come on, dude.

[happy-and-gay-tortoise]

hey sorry to basically be on 'anon' bc i really can't send asks from my main account lol but ANYWAY i'm sorry it looks like someone made u feel like shit about posting in the crust tag but i wanted to mediate if thats ok. im sorry someone made u feel you couldnt post in there but at the same time i get it, if ur not reaaaally into crust then it's weird to establish yourself within such a politically vocal and tight knit community.

i know if you go to them with open hands about how into crust u are they would welcome you and give you recs and support you, you just have to show u are into crust. there are a lot of people that come into crust punk without knowing what it is except for 'fashion', and crust punks are actively trying to remove 'fashion' punks from crust, so it doesn't become corporatised like punk rock did.

so i think with ur jacket not having any crust and your outfit of the day posts being non-crust music and your playlist not having crust on it until i assume someone said some horrible shit i think that becomes a point where the fear is realised as 'oh my god, here's another fashion-only prson who doesn't know/doesn't want to know what this is' and it puts this very tight-knit community on edge

that didn't give any one the right to be horrible about it tho like there are better way to do these things but crust is a negative-type community that is very violent? maybe? in various ways. full of people with big problems with a real hatred of the world. which is where that reaction came from. i honestly wouldn't take it to heart too hard and i know ur only a kid so that'll be very hard. but if u ever want to get more into crust i promise ask people for recs and they will help you and be so kind.

it's just worth remembering, sub cultures don't like to be stepped on bc the world is hellbent on making it digestible and corporate for the masses so you gotta come at it honestly. ok anyway sorry for pseudo anon again and have a nice day

(The pseudo anon is ok dw)

I appreciate this ask a lot! Funny thing is I'm mostly just not rlly labeling myself as crust anymore bc I'm not the biggest fan of the music in general and I don't wanna use the tags that are not accurate to me! I respect the crust community a lot and yall are always welcome here, I'm just more personally into what a lot of my asks have called "easier to listen to punk" I love the noise not music movement and I do listen to some death metal n stuff, but ska and ska punk are more my cup of tea yk!

The crust community is also, as you said, very full of (most of the time justified) violence and hatred, and as someone that is like an eco-anarcist, optimist punk, and just trying to consume as much positive content/ neutral content as possible it tends to not be my vibe! I totally understand why yall have the community tho as someone who is that kind of angry a lot if the time, yall are the people that make change, and when it is needed I join you, but at least rn, I won't be engaging with that (also due to personal circumstances)!

Also I understand how it gave that impression, I want to make it clear I understand that crust punk was/is a movement centered around the music, the heavy emphasis on politics, and the anger towards the systems that push us down. "Crust pants/jackets" are just things to show that! I very clearly do not fit one of those criterias tho and that's ok! I don't have to use the label crust punk to still be someone who is a valid member of the punk subculture! Plus, yall don't need to know what exact labels I use anyway lol. You are a community that has been fucked with and torn apart for years, and it's not my place to call myself a part of that community when, frankly, I'm not! Again, I am in full support of the crust punk movement and stand by your sides, any crust punk that comes onto this page is fully welcomed with open arms! <3

[jenuinelycurious]

So, older neurodivergent here. I did not know that this was not a common knowledge thing past the early 00's. So, here're the basics of my story now having lived thru the doctor orders from a young age.

I've suffered eating disorders due to this very thing ever since I was a toddler--would go days without eating just because I wasn't feeling hungry and would only eat when I got yellow tunnel vision (my vision would go from seeing colors to just seeing yellow and red with black edges). And when I ate, I GORGED. And would be so full that I wouldn't feel hungry for the next two-to-three days. Needless to say I quickly started showing signs of malnutrition.

After my toddler years were taken care of with medicine to get my immune system up and running, I had a bit of an appetite but not enough to avoid ✨anemia✨

See, fun fact that I learned the extreme hard way--keep this eating habit up and mix it with food that doesn't provide for your body (empty calorie stuff) that you see as yummy comfort food, you'll start stacking anemia. To this day, I struggle with D, Iron, Magnesium, and B12 deficiencies to where every other year my medical record will be labeled with anemic and this (fighting anemia/immune problems due to diet/rarely eating reasons) also caused me to have severe stomach problems where it's extremely uncomfortable, borderline painful to digest anything with gluten, dairy, and soy. It wasn't until I was in my mid-late teens that my doctor realized what was going on and said "don't let her eat when she wants, and don't let her have full meals; she needs at least 6 handful snacks during the day and a minimum of two small meals a day the size of medium breakfast bowls." I remember this specifically because I remember thinking 'I like the number seven better, and why medium? Why not small?' And changed it to those points, which .. Oddly enough still worked out, cause with the extra snack, the small bowls worth of food as meals were more than enough.

ANYWAY

All that to say; it doesn't change. This is a thing that is part of identifying neurodivergent brain systems. This is the life style. I wasn't seen as neurodivergent until my teens, I was just seen as different and weird cause the 90's. After an extensive talk with my doctor about my diet, energy, mood, and overall health, did they really see what was going on, but even then it was in the early early stages of understanding.

Now, I hate wasting food. So my fridge is practically empty while my pantry is packed full because shelf food lasts longer than most refrigerator food, and I don't like frozen food because of my stomach problems. There are times where I won't have to shop for food for almost a month, while others I have to go four times in two weeks.

Everyone's story is different, this one is just mine. Just know that there are systems out there that will go with what your body needs, or numbers and sizes of snacks and meals that you prefer (like in my case). Play around with different ways of eating, what to eat and how often during the day, until you find something that works best for you. The goal is to not get to the point where you're feeling faint, woozy, and/or sick until you eat. Because I also have artist brain and get lost in my projects, something that's helped me is this:

If I'm going to have an active day, moving around and being outside/on my feet most the time, I will make sure to keep to the 7 snacks-2 small meals (what's worked for me)for at least two days before the active day. If I'm not going to be doing much of anything, fuck it. Water, tea, and simple smoothies are my meals because I can't be bothered past my brain.

For years I would look at posts and questionnaires about neurodivergence that takes about being so focused on something that you forgot to eat and be like, "Couldn't be me. Being hungry is so uncomfortable! Your stomach is growling and cramping? How do you ignore that?"

Then someone informed me that neurotypical people have a whole bunch of "hungry" sensations before they get to that point.....