#i don’t even want to talk about how many brad pitt dvds i own (it’s ridiculous and i’ve not even completed his filmography)

[finchers-ipad]

did i just count how many dvds i own? no that would be a waste of my time, however if i hypothetically did i would have 195 dvds in my collection

[thegodshavehorns]

Capture the Wind (3/5)

Chapter 3: Kriegspiel 

 At her next visit, the Seer doesn’t mention posters or Sylphs. You don’t bring it up. Why bother? She must already know. She has to know. She knows when you think about it. You’re thinking about it. Stop thinking about it!

“John,” she says, snapping you out of your distraction and back to your lesson. "Look at the board."

You sigh and roll your eyes. "What, am I in checkmate again?” you drawl sarcastically. And then, you stop, mouth open. Because you're not in checkmate.

She's in checkmate.

You don't understand. How is this possible? You hadn't even been thinking about it. “No way,” you say.

The Seer is all grins and teeth. “Yes, way. It's not that hard, is it, to beat a blind woman at chess?"

"But, you're not..."

There is no fanfare. She simply resets the board, into a new setup. “Again.”

This time, you lose again, as you try to somehow do what you did before without fully remembering what it was that you did. As she wins, she flicks the white king off the board like she would one of her ever-present coins. Rude. You sigh, and get ready to reset the board.

“John. It’s your move.”

You blink at her. “You took my king.”

She smiles. “The white king. When the white king dies, the game doesn’t end. It begins.”

And she takes a set of blue pieces out of that nowhere space where she keeps everything. They don’t look like any chess pieces you’ve ever seen, and she sets them up in an unfamiliar configuration.

“John. Move.”

Your new pieces move strangely. They teleport, they revive, they control the opponent’s pieces. You are not even sure you’re controlling them completely. “What is this?”

The Seer just keeps grinning. “Nyrblish 5th dimensional psion-chess. Much more fun than the human version.”

The board changes. It becomes three dimensional, spins into odd shapes, tesseracts, and you can’t quite make sense of what’s happening. “I don’t think I can play this.”

“Try.”

You try, but the board looks like something Escher would sketch in his spare time. Your head hurts, looking at it. “I can’t.”

“Do it anyway.”

“Look, Lady Justice, maybe you can do this kind of thing, but I’m only- I’m a kid! I’m a human, I can’t play chess in five dimensions!”

“Are you sure, John Egbert?”

“Yes, I’m sure I can’t-”

“Are you sure that you’re human?”

You stop at that. Your mouth goes dry.

“Well… well yeah, I-”

“You might want to think, John, about what is holding you back.” And the Seer packs up her chess, all five dimensions of it. And she leaves.

----------------------------- 

Your dad ruins everything.

Why did he have to clean your room? Make your bed? You can do that yourself, you’re fourteen for godssakes!

When you return home from coding summer camp, your poster, your poster signed by the goddess of Space, is lying on the kitchen counter, open for the whole world to see. There is a post-it note attached.

Son,

When I get home, we will Talk.

Shit shit SHIT. He found the poster. He found the poster

You are so dead. Should you destroy the evidence? No, it’s too late for that.

Maybe you should run away. No, that’s stupid, where would you go? Anna’s? The Church? That idea is stupid, so stupid, squawking-like-an-imbecile-and-shitting-on-your-desk-level stupid, and you are not going to do that.

You pace back and forth, trying to think what you are going to say. You don’t know what to do or who to confide in.

Anna can’t help you. The Seer probably won’t, since even though YOU didn’t write the name or ever speak it aloud, you’re pretty sure keeping the autograph of another god in the house breaks her rules.

But… she never got mad about it. And she must have known, right?

You decide to risk it. You sit on the floor in a meditative position, take a deep breath, and say aloud: “…Hey, Seer of Mind? I know I don’t usually ask you for anything, but… my dad found a poster with the name of the S- the Godmother on it. Do you have any advice?”

You wait for a while. Nothing. The house is empty and silent.

Then, your computer, from upstairs, makes the faint beep can only mean you’re being IM’d.

Anna?

You go upstairs and look at the screen. The chum-handle is unfamiliar.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering ghostlyTrickster [GT]at 17:43 --

GC: JOHN, YOU H4V3 TO T4K3 R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR YOUR OWN 4CT1ONS.

GC: TRY TO T4K3 TH1S 4S 4NOTH3R L3SSON.

GC: JUST L1K3 4LL TH3 OTH3RS.

GT: wait

GT: are you the seer?

GT: you use pesterchum?

GT: weird

GC: 1 US3 WH4T3V3R 1 N33D TO US3

GC: 1T’S T1M3 TO ST4ND UP FOR YOURS3LF, JOHN.

GC: YOUR F4TH3R 1S HOM3.

GC: DO YOU HAV3 WH4T IT T4K3S TO F4C3 H1M?

You can’t believe this. You can hear your dad’s car pull into the driveway.

This is what, another test for you to fail? Another opportunity to get beaten up? Did she ignore the poster just so that your dad would find it later?

Another lesson, just like all the others. Sure, another lesson in pain and bullshit.

You are sick of this. You are so, so sick of this.

You hear the door downstairs open, then close. You don’t want to do this, so you delay the inevitable by straightening your bookshelf and re-sorting your DVD collection.

It’s six-thirty by the time you head downstairs, every step feeling like you’re ascending a gallows.

Gods, you really don’t want to do this.

Your dad is sitting at the table, next to the incriminating poster, reading a newspaper and smoking his pipe. You know it has to be bad, when he’s smoking.

“Son,” he says, not looking up from the paper. “Have a seat.”

You sit, and he slowly, methodically folds up the newspaper, still puffing on the pipe. The sitting and waiting is like torture. Like that Chinese torture thing where they drip water on your head. You stare fixedly at your knees.

“Son,” he says again. “I know it can be hard, to be different from the other kids. And it can feel like no one understands.”

That was not what you expected your dad to say. You expected him to berate you about the poster.

“I know that there are some kids who will pick out anything that makes a person different from the crowd,” your dad continues. “And atheism makes you very different.” He sighs. “I wish you had come to me about this.”

You realize that your dad is giving you a very convenient excuse.

Your dad leans forward, resting his forearms on the table. “I do not want you to be pressured into being something that you're not.”

You decide to take the proffered ‘out.’

“Oh,” you grunt. “Okay. Sure.”

Your dad taps the poster with his index finger. “Son,” he says, but you interrupt him.

“I didn’t ask for the poster, Dad! It was a gift. I didn’t ask for it.”

Your dad smiles thinly. “At least now I’m getting more out of you than monosyllables.”

You lapse back into a sullen silence.

“It’s not the poster, John. It’s the letter that was with it.”

You blanch. Shit. You didn’t even think of that.

“It seems to be implying that you’ve gone to church, and that you are grounded. Which is not, currently, the case.”

You try to breathe deeply. Calm your thoughts, and lie through your buck teeth.

“I didn't go to church, but she wanted me to go to church... I mean, I might have gone once or something, but I had to make an excuse not to. I had to not go, so I said I was grounded.” You try to look your dad in the eye as you speak.

“Son, you just gave me two different stories about church in as many seconds.”

Wow, you’re just digging this hole deeper for yourself, aren’t you?

Your dad shrugs. “She sounds like a good friend. If she really is, then she will understand that you simply don't worship any gods, and it won't matter.” There is a pause, during which time you say nothing. “You should tell her the truth. If she cares, then I don't think that she is really such a good friend.”

You try to think of a good excuse, before you respond. “She is a good friend, Dad. I did not ask for the poster. She... she went to this event and I guess she thought it would be a nice thing to do, that's all.”

“Be that as it may. I think that you should tell her, but that is your decision to make.” Your dad takes a long drag on his pipe. “But there is something else we need to talk about. They did not stop beating you up, did they? The bullies from school?”

“No,” you mumble. “School was fine.”

“Your old man isn't blind, Son. I know what a bruise looks like.”

You sink into your chair. “I can handle it.”

Your dad fixes you with a very Stern Fatherly Look, and you sink down even lower, trying to disappear.

“How many months has it been? I should have spoken to you sooner.” He reaches across the table to put a Solid Patriarchal Hand on your shoulder. “Son, it is okay to admit that you need help. Real men know when the situation is too big to handle. It is not a sign of weakness. Do you understand me?”

Your dad still has no clue. But you don’t want him to think that you’re being beaten up, when you’re not, not really. You suddenly have an idea.

“It’s not like that,” you say, shaking your head. “It’s not bullying. It’s like, you know Fight Club? It's kind of like that. Only without the anti-government conspiracy and the multiple personality stuff. And I don't have a Brad Pitt. I'm just learning how to defend myself and stuff. I am getting tougher! It's not too big to handle. I am fine. I don't need help.”

Your dad gives you a Stern Fatherly Look, and you realize that he doesn’t buy it.

“Son, we are not leaving this table until you tell me the truth. I have already left this alone for too long.”

The truth? Well… what if you tell a partial truth? "Okay so there's this... girl. And she is really religious, and she thinks that she will help me find the gods if she teaches me how to fight and stuff. Martial arts."

Your dad sighs. “Do not tell me that my son thinks that he has to be beaten up to catch a girl's eye.”

What? Does he think you feel that way about the Seer? “No,” you state emphatically. “I don’t like, like her! And I do not think she likes me, either. At all, really.”

Your dad raises an eyebrow. “Well, at least I understand why you went to church, now.” Your dad sighs. “I don’t even want to know which gods this girl favors. If my son likes a girl that beats him up and calls it devotion, then... well, I may have to live with it. But you, Son, should not have to pretend that you are something that you’re not.”

“What? No, I’m not talking about Anna! Two different people.” This whole conversation is a mess. “And anyway, I don’t like them! I mean, I like Anna, but as a friend!”

“I see,” says your dad. “There is this one girl that you like enough to go to church for, and then there is this other, completely different, girl who you are willing to get beaten up by.”

“Yes, that is what is happening!” You are getting angry, now.

Your dad sighs and closes his eyes. “I am unsure whether to be proud or annoyed that my son is such a poor liar.” He leans forward, and takes another puff on his pipe. “You need to come clean with this girl, whether there is one of her or two. You are an atheist. If they really care about you then they will accept that.”

You count back the weeks. It’s been exactly four months and one week and two days since you first spoke to the Seer. Is your dad going to find out? You don’t want him to find out. You want deeply to prove that the Seer can be wrong, that you’re not as pathetically bad at keeping secrets as she thinks.

But it's been exactly 4 months, one week, two days. And, you realize that you have a choice. The Seer could be right… but it’s in your control.

You could say, “Yes, okay Dad.” And that would be that, for now. But it would just delay the inevitable: your dad would find out about the Seer tomorrow.

Or… you could make sure the Seer was wrong, for once.

You squeeze your eyes shut tight, and say, very quietly, “I’m not.”

Your dad pauses mid-puff. “Excuse me?”

You have to be brave. You have to do this. You twist your fingers into the fabric of your shirt, and say more clearly; “I’m not an atheist.”

Your dad takes his pipe out of his mouth, and lays it on the table. He looks grave. “You do not know what the gods are like, John. I am trying to protect you. Religion is dangerous, and you should stay away from it. I do not want to see you get hurt.”

This isn’t making any sense. “But Dad, it's not like pretending that the gods are not important makes them not exist. If they're dangerous, shouldn't we pay them respect? I mean, not make them mad, but just... you know, be normal about it? I mean, a lot of people are religious, Dad! Like, everyone! The only atheist I know is you!”

Very suddenly, your dad slams his fist into the table, making you jump. “We are not like other people!” Then, he abruptly slumps, and seems to try and compose himself. “I am sorry. I am not angry with you, John. I am scared.”

That takes you by surprise. You did not expect him to say that. “Dad? What are you talking about?”

Your dad looks haunted. “John, when you were an infant…” He swallows. “When you were an infant, I received a visit from the Flaming-Eyed God.”

And your dad tells you. About the warning, the threat, the gods made on your life. About how they told him not to pray, just like the Seer told you.

“John, the Mage told me that the other gods would do anything to keep you from doing… whatever it was they did not want to see happen. Do you understand what ‘anything’ means?”

You don’t want to hear this. “Yeah, but... I mean, what if some of the gods are protecting me from the others? Like the Flaming-Eyed God, and the Calibrator of the Gallows? I mean, I... I didn't know about any of this. But if I have this destiny or whatever, shouldn't I do what I can to like, fulfill it?”

“John.” Your dad sounds incredulous. “We are talking about the living gods. If they wanted to kill you, you would be dead before you could blink.”

You roll your eyes, but he continues. “The gods don’t mind atheists. We don’t draw their attention. They only hear you when—John, if you have been praying…”

You don’t say anything, but you know your guilt is written all over your face. You stare at the table, but can feel your dad’s eyes boring into you.

“John,” he says. “What have you said while you were praying?” You look up at your dad. He looks pained, like someone just stomped on his foot.

“Not much,” you say. “I usually couldn’t think of anything to pray about, really…”

He sighs. “Thank goodness.”

“But Dad…” Too late to go back now. “You’re wrong, kind of. About gods and atheists.”

“What do you mean?”

You interlock your fingers and look back at the table. “The gods do pay attention to atheists.”

You see your dad’s eyes widen. “John, have they spoken to you?”

Your stupid dad. You don’t look at him. “Yeah.” And then, because that doesn’t feel like enough: “I’m sorry. She told me not to tell you.”

“She…” Your dad’s voice is hollow, his expression fearful. You hate it. You hate seeing your dad looking so frightened.

“Lady Justice,” you clarify. “She said she’d be training me for some kind of destiny, or something.”

Your dad closes his eyes, and rests his forehead in one of his hands. When he speaks, his voice is breaking. You hate the sound of it. “I am sorry, John. I am so sorry. I should have told you sooner.”

Several long moments pass in silence. This is so uncomfortable. That the Seer’s prophecy is off by one day is a cold comfort. “Dad…”

Then, your dad looks up, and gets to his feet. There is something steely in his expression, something that wasn’t there before. “Son. Pack your things. We’re leaving.”

“What?”

“No questions, John.” His tone books no room for disobedience. “Do it.”

You don’t want to do this; this is crazy! But you've never seen your dad talk like that before. It’s kind of scary.

So, you get up, and pack your things. You don’t know how much to pack, but you figure a few days’ worth of clothes is probably fine. By the time you finish and come back downstairs, your dad has already packed his own possessions into the car.

“How long will we be gone for?” you ask.

“I don’t know,” he answers, and you worry a little that you didn’t pack enough.

Before you both drive off, you check the pesterlogs on your desktop. You don’t have any new ones from the Seer, but you do leave one for Anna:

GT: i’m leaving town for a few days

GT: so i will be afk

GT: but i will be online again soon.

GT: i have a lot to tell you.

And who knows? Now that the proverbial cat is out of its bag, maybe you can even tell her the truth.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #361

Top Ten Movies I Associate with my Wife

It’s my wife’s birthday this weekend. We’ve been seeing each other for over twenty years now, and married for nearly ten. I don’t want to get too soppy or personal up in this joint, but obviously all of that’s a big deal. And in that time, we’ve seen a lot of films together. And there are some films that, when I think of them, I instantly think of her, and of the circumstances of when and how we saw them.

And so – because I like talking about films a lot more than I like talking about, y’know, mushy personal stuff – here are ten films that always make me think of my wife. Fondly, I might add.

Happy birthday!

L.A. Confidential (1997): technically the first film we ever saw together, before we were a couple; the first time I ever met her was in the lobby of the cinema, which – now I think about it – is incredibly poetic.  Fun fact: my wife claims not to have known it was an 18-certificate film at the time we saw it; as we were both 15 in 1997, she blames me retroactively for sneaking her into a film underage.

Star Trek: Insurrection (1999): I’m pretty sure this is the first film we saw together as a couple, although it could have been Gus van Sant’s Psycho. I still have a lot of affection for this one, even if it is an extended episode of the TV series with surprisingly low stakes.

Meet Joe Black (1999): we went on a date to the old Middlesbrough Odeon to see this one, and the screening was full of rowdy teens running in the aisles and making wolf whistles at Brad Pitt. It kinda livened the film, to be honest, which is long and dull. This may have been the last time I ever went to the Odeon, which was the beloved cinema of my childhood.

The Sixth Sense (1999): the first proper classic of our relationship (Confidential coming a bit too early), we both adored this film. It was one of the first DVDs either of us got and we watched it again and again, often on our PCs (we both had DVD-ROM drives in our computers before we had standalone DVD players).

Being John Malkovich (1999): we saw this in London, in a tiny cinema in the West End. We both really wanted to see it, but – used to cheap prices at uni cinemas or up in Middlesbrough – we were shocked and appalled at having to pay a whopping £7.50 for a ticket, just to squint at a tiny screen. Still loved the film, though.

She’s All That (1999): we saw quite a few “teen romcoms” early in our relationship (and “teen horrors” too), but the two that stick out most are this one and Ten Things I Hate About You. Either could have made it, to be honest, and I'm not even going to pretend that Ten Things isn’t a far superior film. I don’t remember liking She’s All That very much at the time, but I remember it more strongly as a “date” movie (we might have even seen Ten Things on DVD), and the song “Kiss Me” from the soundtrack played an awful lot in the early years of our relationship.

Donnie Darko (2001): took a punt on this when it was showing at the Warwick Arts Centre when I was at uni; I thought it was a teen horror-type film (they were really in vogue then). The twisty, bonkers plot and vague E.T. references left us perplexed and delighted, and we had a long conversation about it in the bar afterwards.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-2003): in a lot of ways, Rings defined our time in uni, even though the first one only came out part-way into our second years. I was a big fan of The Hobbit as a kid, and I knew the films were on their way even though I wasn’t familiar with the book; so we took it upon ourselves – her in Nottingham, me in Warwick – to read the book before the films came out. We’d chat about it over the phone, compare our various pronunciation experiments on words like “Nazgul” or “Isengard”, and await the films. That the three of them lived up to, or even exceeded, our expectations was incredible.

In Bruges (2008): this was one of those quirky little films that – it seemed – no one was really talking about but that we took to our hearts. By this point we were living together and had Cineworld Unlimited cards, going to the pictures every other week just to see what was on. In Bruges we both loved and thought was hilarious, and it inspired us to go to the real-life city of Bruges on a short break the following year.

Frozen (2013): this is when “reminds me of my wife” segues into “reminds me of my kids”. Frozen was the first film we ever took one of our own children to. It was a sing-a-long performance in a theatre, with actors on stage bookending the film and live renditions of songs including “Let it Go”. We took our eldest, who was about three at the time, whilst our youngest stayed home with her nanna. She was dressed up as Anna, in a costume that’s now too small for her little sister, and was rapt throughout.

So there you go. I don’t really like getting too autobiographical, especially when it touches on other people in my life, but it was fun to recollect my shared cinematic history. I definitely have a stronger association with films we saw in the early years of our relationship; perhaps back then it still felt like an event to go to the cinema together, whereas once we’d moved in together and had jobs and stuff, it was more about the film? I don’t know. We certainly saw a lot of films in the “Cineworld years” (post-uni, pre-kids) but they don’t linger in the subconscious as “relationship movies” quite as strongly. If you’re interested, however, films from that era that did stick out, and nearly made the list, include The Bourne Identity, Brick, Skyfall, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Avatar, and Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. Also bubbling under where both The Phantom Menace and The Last Jedi, for different reasons. We have a sort of tradition of going to see a bit epic movie in Imax over the Christmas break, whilst someone babysits the kids, and most recent Star Wars films have fit that bill, as did Avatar and the Hobbit trilogy; but I couldn’t quite settle on one film to represent that bunch, and we skipped the whole tradition last year as there were no big films out we fancied (I’m sure it’ll return this Christmas with Episode IX).

Anyway: I like my wife, I like going to the cinema, and I like it when the two things intermingle. Here’s to many more trips to the flicks.

[itsiotrecords-blog]

http://ift.tt/2t4ZVxC

They have the whole package– money, fame, and beauty. They seem unapproachable and distant because they seemingly belong to another universe to which we are not granted access. The celebrities sell not only their professional skills, but also their own image. How many times did stars do something just for publicity’s sake? As long as the people from the magazines, TV screens and the YouTube videos are representing them positively, the sale is going well; and even if the feature is negative, any news is good news (it’s when they stop talking about you that you have a problem). That’s why everything that can tarnish the luster of their glamor is kept strictly confidential (same as any of us would do in all honesty). We think celebrities are flying above the social norms and trivialities. However, human as they are, nothing human is alien to them and now and then their dirty little secrets are made public. From secret love affairs and weird sexual fantasies to addiction problems and unusual obsessions, fears and personal hygienic habits– our beloved stars have them all. The famous folks might have thought their secrets would follow them to their graves, but forgot that eventually the truth has to come out. And we have it right here.

#1 Shaquille O’Neal’s Thirst For Blood Having a fetish is not something one should be ashamed of– after all, if consented and not harmful, no practice in the bedroom should be considered vulgar or inappropriate; to each his own, right? Yet, Shaq’s fetish makes him the last person you’ll be willing to share your drink with because the guy uses his mouth for the strangest thing. Some years ago, his former wife, Vanessa Lopez, filed a suit against him claiming “invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress”. During the trial sessions, Lopez revealed some disturbing intimate facts about the legendary basketball player. When asked if Shaq had any sexual hang-ups, she said that he’d often perform oral on her while she was on her period. Actually, this is a clinical condition which is called menophilia and is characterized by getting sexually aroused by menstrual blood. The fetish-lovers brotherhood, however, don’t care for the Latin name and call Shaq’s drive simply “bloodhounding”.

#2 Russell Brand’s Secret Box Of DVDs If you thought Shaq’s fetish was weird, check out what Russell Brand does for fun when he is alone at home. The eccentric Brit’s looks and reckless behavior would suggest that he is into kinky stuff. After his break-up with Katy Perry, she went to his place to collect some of her belongings and found a box full of unlabeled DVDs. Katy couldn’t resist the temptation and played some of them. What she saw made her eyes pop out of her head. On the home-made videos, Russell was doing what is called “air sex”– fully clothed, he was heavily pounding an invisible partner. This might seem quite an improbable way of satisfying oneself, but it’s actually a thing, which originated and was first documented in Japan. All in all, it’s like playing an air guitar, only with more moaning and more wriggling involved.

#3 Denise Richards’ Girl-On-Girl Experience Most people are used to thinking that lesbianism is monopolized by robust, masculinized ladies who dress in baggy jeans and know how to use a jigsaw and change a tire. Stereotypes, however, are not what they used to be. Especially the ones linked to naughty preferences and practices! Just look at this drop dead gorgeous beauty, Denise Richards! It’s true that her divorce with Charlie Sheen in 2006 attracted more attention and inspired more headlines than her film roles, but although ten years have passed since then, she keeps on surprising us with curious facts about her intimate life. If you have read her memoir The Real Girl Next Door (which became a New York Times Best Seller!), then it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that she has had a homoerotic experience. It was during an interview with the infamous radio host Howard Stern that she kind of came out, confessing that “a long time ago” she met this woman through friends, and she felt… curious. They were both curious, in fact. She was reluctant to reveal the name of the person, but what is known is that she is also pretty famous and is, in Richards’ own words, “a beautiful girly girl.”

#4 Sandra Bullock’s Foul Face Care Treatment When it comes to maintaining their seemingly ageless beauty, many Hollywood female stars subject themselves to all sorts of absurdly alternative beautifying procedures. Some of them are very expensive, yet effective if we judge by the appearance of the Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher. She regularly takes… wine baths. Others are weird, mildly put, like Demi Moore’s method of detoxing– she lets leeches suck her blood. But what Sandra Bullock does beats them all. Miss Congeniality applies hemorrhoid cream on her face because she believes it makes her skin glow. The other effect of the product is that, when applied under the eyes, it decreases inflammation. In other words, the cream, which is in fact a vasoconstrictor, is supposed to reduce puffiness. Actually, it makes a lot of sense, since hemorrhoids are… well… puffy.

#5 Martha Stewart’s Naughty Texting… And Other Things What can be more shocking than catching a whole nation’s, 71-year old domestic goddess in “inappropriate for her age and social status” conduct? Probably only Kim Kardashian becoming a nun. But, of course, there’s nothing inappropriate about a woman, no matter her age or occupation, participating in some Internet dating, as Martha Stewart confessed some time ago. But, if checking hot guys’ profiles still sounds too innocent to be on this list, how about imagining this hugely successful business woman engaging herself in a threesome and sexting with strangers? She must have been really bored living in that 35,000-square-foot residence on Mount Desert Island to take on alternative forms of entertainment. We don’t know how much of the rumors about her romantic life are true, but she herself has reluctantly disclosed that her intensive sexting once led to an actual one-night stand. Good for you, Martha! You give hope to all women who fear there is no fun time after menopause!

#6 Brad Pitt’s Bad Odor Routine His fellow actors and his closest friends always know, without a shade of a doubt, when Brad Pitt was somewhere before them. The stank he leaves behind is so unbearable that the guy’s armpits should be declared weapons of mass distraction. Reliable sources claim that one of the most desirable men on the planet completely stopped using deodorant and soap years ago. Some blame it on the fact that Brad Pitt has become all green, so instead of all those cosmetic products that damage the environment, he uses a natural portion of lemon, water and apple cider vinegar to get rid of the repelling smell of perspiration off his body. It obviously doesn’t work effectively, as many complain about the smell coming from him. Not long ago, his Inglourious Basterds co-star Eli Roth shared some inside the set info, “When he was sweating and didn’t have time to shower, he’d just take a baby wipe and rub his armpits with it.” Our advice: Do it more often, Brad! A wipe now and then won’t harm a forest!

#7 Scarlett Johansson’s Back Seat Fantasy This classy hotness surely appears in millions of men’s dreams. Now, her male fans from around the world have been given another incentive to further improve the quality of their dreams featuring the 32-year-old actress and model. Johansson has recently disclosed that her greatest turn-on is doing it in the back seat of a car. “To me, having sex in a car is sexy, and if I have to think of doing something kinky and crazy, I’ll definitely go for the back seat.” That’s it, people, the mystery’s revealed, and if you get lucky to be around Scarlett one day, do not try to seduce her with expensive jewelry, or fancy meals and wines. Just offer to give her a ride in your car! And who knows? You may get lucky.

#8 Keith Richards’ Weird Act Of Remembrance To His Dad Nobody who started their career in the music business in the 1960s, and I mean nobody, has remained untouched by the glorious days of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. This is especially valid for the musicians of the legendary rock bands, most of whom have admitted to having consumed all kinds of substances in their time. But none of those are as bizarre as the one Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones is said to have sampled. In 2007, NME magazine revealed that the 72-year-old guitarist once mixed his father’s ashes with cocaine and snorted… him. The veteran of drug marathons is convinced that his father wouldn’t have objected at all, and adds that “he went down pretty well.” Years later, Richards now realizes that being still alive after decades of drug and alcohol abuse is pure luck, and he advises others not to follow in his steps. And definitely to abstain from snorting their parents!

#9 Matthew McConaughey’s Food Fetish Food can be hot not only smeared all over the body of your naked girlfriend who is waiting for you to eat her up. The 47-year-old Oscar winning actor sometimes has to stop eating because he enjoys food so much that he literally becomes aroused. If you wonder how he maintains this super fit slender body of his given that he likes eating that much, the answer is simple– the guy prefers to go hungry than to get turned on. Just imagine how embarrassing it must feel being in a fancy restaurant and get a huge boner over a dish of lobster tails with garlic and chili butter! The actor himself once said to Britain’s InStyle Magazine that when he savors something that feels good on his palate, he gets tingles down his spine which can be so forceful that he needs to stop eating if he doesn’t want to lose himself in blissful ecstasy. Another fetish the star admits to have is the smell of suntan lotion; the one with coconut fragrance draws him the most. “That smell brings back the sweetest memories of women in bikinis,” McConaughey says.

#10 Megan Fox’s Dysfunctional Toilet Habit You look at this girl and you say to yourself, “Wow, she is so perfect that I doubt she is really human!” Well, the devastating truth is that the 30-year old actress and model is not only of flesh and blood, but she is also one of those people you’ll probably find disgusting to live with. She might be a global heartthrob, but as regards her hygienic habits, there’s room for improvement— a lot of it. The Transformers babe very often forgets to flush the toilet. And not only in her own home, but also in other people’s houses! She must realize how repulsive this is because not once or twice has she admitted in interviews that she is horrible to live with. Besides being negligent about her going-to-toilet routine, she is also very messy. “My clothes end up wherever I take them off.” Well, Megan, sweetheart, although you kill in a bikini, we must say, being that untidy is definitely far from sexy!

#11 Robert Pattinson’s Bad Hair Day Every Day It came as a surprise to those who know of Robert Pattinson‘s problematic personal hygiene when he became the face of Dior Homme Eau. Was it a joke? After all, the star from the Twilight series is famous for not being a big fan of showering. He once didn’t wash his hair for six weeks in a row! “I don’t really see the point,” he says. “If you don’t care if your hair’s clean or not, then why would you wash it?” Solid logic, but still, it remains a mystery how he manages to look so awesome and well-groomed. His sex appeal is something the crew members working with him on a set in Vancouver obviously don’t care about as they can’t stop criticizing him. As one of the anonymous insiders put it, “He stinks. I mean, it’s awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.” So much for the cool vampire appeal!

#12 Harry Styles’ Double Trouble Harry Styles from One Direction has four nipples! Of course, it’s not particularly a dirty secret one needs to hide, but to some it may sound like something you wouldn’t exactly brag about either. However, girls thought the two extra nipples looked just great on Harry’s tanned torso when in 2012 paparazzi caught him sunbathing on the board of a luxury boat in Australia. Despite his genetic defect, the 22-year-old English singer doesn’t seem embarrassed at all. Actually, whenever asked about it, he likes to joke that the extra nipples might have belonged to a twin brother, who didn’t make it to the world but left him his nipples as a form of legacy. Probably because Harry finds stripping so liberating (as he claims), his fans think he is dreamy– four nipples or not.

#13 Thora Birch’s Family History In “Showbiz” Nobody can choose their parents and, one way or another, we all have a past we cannot just erase and pretend didn’t happen. Thora Birch‘s professional path was pretty much mapped out from before she was born, as both her parents were kind of in the show business. Indeed, she started acting as a child and even won an award for Best Young Actress Under Nine Years of Age, but her breakthrough role came with the Oscar winning film American Beauty, in which her performance was applauded both by the critics and the audience. Her parents must be very proud of their daughter’s achievements, although the movie in which they both appeared in 1972 is no less unforgettable and covered in more glory than American Beauty. That movie is none other than the adult film classic Deep Throat, and Jack Birch and Carol Conners, Thora’s mom and dad, are former stars of the industry.

#14 50 Cent’s Shameful Bankruptcy It must be really humiliating for someone who has built one’s career on the classical attributes of rap music (i.e. money, bitches, furs, and fast cars) to go bankrupt. And be forced to hide it! In 2015, the former hottest rapper out there filed a statement of his financials in Connecticut bankruptcy court. From the statement, it became clear that Curtis Jackson drained a $25 million fortune just in a few years’ time. The rapper claimed his bankruptcy was a result of some bad business investments (and following lawsuits), but the truth cannot be concealed– back in his best days of fame and glamor, the man kept throwing money around like a maharaja. Although he owned money to creditors and lost a scandalous lawsuit, which stripped him of another couple of millions, 50 Cent kept posting pictures of himself buried in piles of money. When the court asked him to explain this unexpected wealth, he responded it was all fake money. Yeah, as if!

#15 Daniel Radcliffe’s Booze Addiction How time flies! Year after year, we have been so engulfed in following Daniel bringing the magical character of Harry Potter to life that we somehow failed to notice when the child star grew up. And the fact would have continued to escape us if it hadn’t been for his confession that he had a drinking problem, which, however, he beat in 2010. The actor revealed that he’d sometimes show up on the set of Harry Potter still drunk from the night before. In an interview for The Guardian, he said he turned to alcohol to cope with the pressure of fame and potential failure. Although it sounds like a big cliché, it’s actually a common practice among child stars to embrace bad habits. The examples are quite numerous– Lindsay Lohan, Drew Barrymore, Mary-Kate Olsen, Macaulay Culkin… This is how Radcliffe explains the inclination of the young celebrities towards alcohol and drugs, “It’s the pressure of living with the thought, ‘Oh, what if all these people are saying I’m not going to have a career? What if they all are going to be laughing and I will be consigned to a bunch of “Where are they now?” lists?”

Source: TheRichest