#i do want to maul ren though but out of admiration/attraction

[light-glue-blazed-terracotta]

watching iskalls stream and im soooo enjoying him and ren hanging out i love it i love them theyre so funny and cool.

[fireflyfish]

battlefront matchup anon again, i'm now very excited to read the Local Force Users Anonymous meeting fic, thank you for this hilarity

Hello again, Nony! Ask and Fishy shall deliver… some of the time… when I don’t have a season to work on… or Rex to poke. 

This ask and the insanity below was inspired by this lovely gifset. 

***

Don’t Bring a Blaster to a Lightsaber Fight

A.K.A A Weekly Meetup for Local Force Users

***

Han Solo, known scoundrel, smuggler and the only person to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, if you rounded down, found himself in a strange place. He had somehow ended up, of course through no fault of his own, in an industrial part of… somewhere that was wrapped in blue fog and was, for reasons unknown to him, standing in a puddle, even though he was pretty sure it hadn’t rained that day.

Walking forward, Han could see that he was not alone in the mysterious blue place with incongruous puddles and machinery that looked like it would explode if you looked at it too long.

As he walked, Han could see a row of dark-robed figures lining up in front of him, a few meters away. They stood in a line like a holo boy band and Han was going to tell them that until he realized that he was standing in front of Darth Vader, the bastard who had tortured him to lure his good friend Luke into a trap. And then cut off Luke’s hand because symbolism? Who knows but it was a bad move, Anakin. A very bad move.

Sarcastic comment now dead on his lips, Han Solo pulled out his blaster and aimed it straight at Darth Vader’s heart, ignoring the fact that the last time he had tried to shoot Darth Vader it had gone over about as well as the first time he tried to win the Falcon from Lando in a game of sabaac. Although in Han’s defense Lando cheated and I suppose one could argue that secretly having the Chosen One be the Empire’s ruthless and brutal enforcer is kind of cheating too.

But we digress.

While Vader waited next to what Han could only assume was the Emperor, flanked by some old dude posing dramatically and a guy who looked he got an awesome buy-one-get-one deal at a tattoo shop, three other people strode up towards Han. One was an attractive young woman in a quilted vest with brown hair and a lightsaber as well as a handsome gentleman with hair that could only be described as “swooshy” in white armor and his own lightsaber.

Han Solo was starting to worry that he had somehow ended up in some kind of strange Jedi street fight when his best friend Luke showed up, swinging around his new green lightsaber like he actually knew what he was doing.

Which he did. Right?

“Kid,” Han hissed to Luke, trying to keep a level and intimidating gaze as the face off continued. “Who are these people?”

Luke shrugged a little in his defensive stance. “Besides Vader and the Emperor, I’m not really sure.”

“Who are you people?” the young woman next to Han asked, looking like she was ready to go toe to toe with some seriously bad motherkriffers who probably had at least 150 years of experience on her and her awesome looking vest. She also, inexplicably, had a crisp Coruscanti accent that has never been explained to either Han or the author’s knowledge.

“I’m Luke Skywalker and this is my friend, Han Solo,” Luke said as the villians continued to stand there, looking evil, foreboding and black. These guys really liked black and red.

“You’re Han Solo?” the girl to Han’s right gasped in shocked delight. “You’re alive?!”

“Am I not supposed to be?” Han asked in reply, looking over at Luke very confused. “Is this more of your hokey Force religion, Luke?”

“Skywalker, did you say?” the really disarmingly-attractive man in the white armor asked, peering all the way around to frown at Luke. “Did I hear you correctly? Your name is Luke Skywalker?”

“Yes, that’s my name. Do I know you?” Luke replied.

“My name is Rey and… well… the last time I saw you, you were… a lot older and…” Rey frowned, still talking to Han, and looked away, as if carrying a heavy burden before cheering up. “But this is wonderful! You’re alive! The Force is amazing! I have to tell General Organa!”

“You wouldn’t happen to be related to someone named Anakin Skywalker, would you?” asked the ginger haired man with the armor and sexy accent.

“Leia is a general?” Han gaped, confused.

“That’s my father,” Luke said, also confused because there are a lot of people talking at the same time and it’s getting hard to keep track of them. “Why? Do you know him?”

“Yes, she’s leading the resistance against the First Order,” Rey explained with a stars in her eyes as she beheld her hero in his younger, sexier form. Poor girl. Your author hopes she never watches Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade because that has ruined your author for all other Harrison Ford movies.

“Know him? He’s my former padawan,” the man at the end of the line up of heroes said with a charming, toothy smile and a jaunty laugh. “I don’t know where he is at this moment but once I take care of this, I’m going to go find him and save him from whatever nonsense he’s gotten himself into.”

***

Meanwhile, a few meters away.

Darth Vader grit his teeth and vowed vengeance against the young, handsome, charming, attractive– had he always been that sexy in armor?– Obi-Wan Kenobi talking to his son like he didn’t even know that he, the fallen Anakin Skywalker, was right there. He was right there and Obi-Wan wasn’t even paying attention to him. The utter gall of that man!

How dare Obi-Wan show up now, looking so… so… hot and young and beautiful? And wasn’t he supposed to be dead? Vader was pretty sure he had killed Obi-Wan and immediately regretted it but that’s how Anakin rolls, gentle readers on the Death Star.

“Allow me to rid this galaxy of Kenobi’s infuriating presence once and for all, my master,” Vader rumbled in that terrifying voice that sounded nothing like his real voice but that’s okay because we have that traumatizing Rebels episode for that particular heartbreak.

“No,” Count Dooku intoned, his ominous voice rumbling through the area like thunder because his best buddy Gandalf helpfully volunteered to do the sound effects for this battle. “I will be the one to bring Kenobi to the Dark Side once and for all. He could be a powerful ally and it’s what Qui-Gon would have wanted.”

“If anyone is going to kill KENOBAEAUGUHGHA it is going to be me!” Maul snarled and paced around because that’s what he does when he’s being evil. He snarls, paces and says KENOBAEAUGUHGHA over and over again. Honestly, it gets kind of weird after a while.

Palpatine just covered his face with his hand and muttered to himself. “I should have killed that sexy ginger myself.”

***

“Padawan? What’s a padawan?” Luke asked because, again, he had like a weeks worth of training in the Jedi arts and the author is pretty sure Yoda had more important things to do than to go into the naming nomenclature of the Jedi order. “Wait… Obi-Wan? Are you Obi-Wan Kenobi?!”

Obi-Wan gave Luke that charming, sexy grin of his and nodded. “Yes, I am. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Luke. And you two as well, Han and Rey.”

“Uh… Hi,” Han said, waving his hand a little as Rey peered around him to gasp at Luke.

“Luke Skywalker?!” Rey almost squealed with delight because let’s be honest here, Gareth Pugh Couture Jumpsuit Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker is PEAK Luke. “I have your lightsaber! I need you to teach me how to be a Jedi!”

Han Solo took a step back while the lightsaber wielding crazies, as a wise man once called them, talked to and over each other. Or rather, while Rey and Luke tried to have a three-way conversation that Obi-Wan was occasionally roped into when someone needed to be gently corrected as to how the Force and the Jedi Order worked.

“No, we don’t mind control people like that, Rey.”

“Luke, that is nothing like what a defensive Soresu stance should look like. Who taught you that?”

“Yes, I agree, that lightsaber sounds most immature and poorly built. Who did you say made it? Kylie Ren?”

Han, being the clever and observant type, noticed that the Dark Side users, that was what Luke called them, were all glaring over at Obi-Wan and since Han wasn’t in the mood to get stabbed or lose a hand like Luke, he decided to interrupt the impromptu Light Side pow-wow. “Hey… so… Vader, I know, and I’m pretty sure that guy in the hooded robe is Emperor Palpatine but does anybody know what’s up with Grampa and Pointy over there? Are they a part of your Fist Order, Rey?”

“It’s First Order, not Fist Order and, no, I’ve never seen them before,” Rey said, frowning. “Although I have heard of Darth Vader, mostly in passing. He died on the second Death Star over Endor. Him and the Emperor.”

“There’s another Death Star?” Han and Luke groaned at the same time. And a third one too but the author did not have time to go into all of that.

“Gramps and Pointy,” Obi-Wan explained, enjoying a good chuckle at Maul’s expense like we all should, pointing to each man in turn. “Are Sith Lords. Count Dooku was my master’s master, a fallen Jedi who now goes by the name of Darth Tyranus. He tried to recruit me to the Dark Side and cut off my padawan’s arm. And Pointy is Darth Maul, who murdered my master. I cut him in half and kicked him down a plasma shaft but apparently he shook that off somehow.”

Luke gaped in horror. “You cut him in HALF and he LIVED?”

“Next time I’ll aim for his neck,” Obi-Wan shrugged.

“KENOBAEAUGUHGHA!” Maul bellowed from a few meters away where the Sith Lords were standing in place because authorial intent is stronger than the Dark Side. “At last I will have my revenge!”

“Fool,” Dooku bellowed with a dramatic flourish of his cape. “You are but a mad dog, a tool my master used to bring himself to power. Kenobi will be a great ally to the Sith once turned.”

“Silence!” Vader said in that lovely James Earl Jones bass, clenching his fist as if he could squeeze the life out of Obi-Wan like he did to Admiral Ozzel, Captain Needa and others who out of an abundance of tact the author will not name. “I am going to be the one to finally destroy Obi-Wan Kenobi and then the Jedi Order’s failures will be complete.”

Luke and Rey exchanged a glance and turned to Obi-Wan, horrified at the narrative arc of his life.

Obi-Wan sighed. “Oh, is it Tuesday again?”

Emperor Palpatine muttered to himself under his breath. “You had one job, Commander Cody. Just one! But, no! You couldn’t even do that right! Why did I even order a Clone Army? They spent most of their time getting cool-looking tattoos and painting their armor! Hell! Captain Rex was more concerned about getting airtime and being cast in Return of the Jedi than carrying out my master plan!”

Now Han Solo, for all the grief the author has given him in this story that has gone on longer than they wanted, is a smart man. One does not smuggle spice, coaxium, or whatever in the age of the Empire unless one is clever and quick on his feet and Han Solo is pretty quick on his feet.

Especially when running away from a bunch of stormtroopers on the Death Star. The author thinks he might have broken a record or something in that scene.

Anyway, Han Solo realized that a few things about the situation he found himself it.

Number one, he didn’t want to fight Vader and get his blaster stolen again.

Number two, everyone at the informal Force Users of Star Wars meetup seemed oddly obsessed with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Number three, there was a way out of this if he just played his cards right. And as Han would tell you, he is very good at cards.

Clearing his throat, Han Solo announced in a loud voice that just barely managed to pierce the din of Force users talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi. “None of you love Obi-Wan Kenobi as much as I do.”

“What?!” Vader barked, looking around for the person who dared to lay claim to the mantle of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Number One Fan and Nemesis. “Who said that?”

“Just his biggest fan,” Han Solo said again, smirking at Vader. “I even got an official certificate from the Jedi Order in here somewhere.”

“You do not!” Vader protested angrily. “I made them stop giving those out after they tried to give Ahsoka one!”

“What?!” Obi-Wan gaped, stunned. “What official certificate?”

“Nonsense! Kenobi is my life’s goal! My mission and obsession! I am his greatest fan!” Maul snarled, shoving his way forward into the crowd that was slowly starting to form not so much around Obi-Wan but more like in front of him, so that his adoring crowd could all show off how much they loved him and were willing to kill everyone in the galaxy to prove it. Because that’s healthy.

Well, Palpatine just wanted to kill Obi-Wan once and for all but even he had to admit the man was nice on the eyes.

“Maybe that’s why Commander Cody missed,” Palpatine muttered in an aside as he tried to hobble around the bickering crowd.

“Kenobi is my grandpadawan!” Dooku insisted, refusing to let the younger Sith steal away his prize. “If anyone has that right, it should be me!”

“Listen, I didn’t want to have to throw my weight around like this but I am the main character of this story,” Luke insisted, almost elbowing Maul in the face as he tried to get a word in. “And Obi-Wan did spend eighteen years on Tatooine AND I am a Skywalker so if anybody is going to be Obi-Wan’s biggest fan, I think it should be me.”

“TATOOINE?!” Vader exploded. “You were on Tatooine all this time?! You made my poor, sexy master waste away on Tatooine?!”

“Excuse me, Lord Vader,” Palpatine interjected. “But I am your master, remember?’

“Yeah, yeah, whatever Sheev,” Vader muttered, rolling his eyes behind his mask. “Listen, Luke, son, kid, I know you’re new to this whole ‘Jedi business’ but let me straighten you out. As Obi-Wan Kenobi’s former padawan learner, I get first dibs on him, okay? Me, not you, not Grumpy Grandpa over here and definitely not Rage-Face Robo-Legs over here.”

“But you’re a Sith Lord!”

“Does that look like it’s stopping any of the rest of Obi-Wan’s fanboys? Hell! I bet even Palpatine has a few sexy pictures of his from the Clone Wars.”

“I knew I never should have told you about my secret thirst tumblr, Vader!”

“See what I mean?”

While this heated battle of words, fannish desire and single minded obsession devotion continued on apace, Han Solo took his opportunity to make his escape. He was going to try to get Luke’s attention but it was clear that Luke had fallen under the sway of Kenobi and wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. Rey also looked like she wanted to elbow her way into the squabble of McQueen black robes and knee high Chanel boots but Han reached out to stop her. “C’mon, kid, we’re getting out of here.”

“But we can’t just leave them!” Rey insisted in that way that reminded Han of Leia but also Luke. He wondered if perhaps Rey was related to them somehow because it seemed like everyone was related to a Skywalker these days but quickly forgot it in the heat of the moment.

“They’ll be fine,” Han insisted, seeing a break in the blue fog encircling the nonsense he found himself in. “Besides, what are we going to do against four bad guys with lightsabers?”

Rey opened her mouth to insist that she had somehow managed to download Kylo Ren’s ability to wield a lightsaber but then she realized she would have to explain Kylo Ren to Han Solo and she just didn’t have the heart to tell him about that because your author is STILL salty about that, gentle reader. STILL SALTY. “All right let’s go. Obi-Wan? We’re leaving. Are you coming with us?”

Obi-Wan was leaning against a pile of old rubble, watching the Luke and the Sith Lords squabble over him. He looked over at Rey and Han, waving them off. “Oh, no, thank you, my dear. I’m quite used to this by now. I’m sure Ahsoka and Captain Rex will be along in a minute to pick me and Luke up. You two go on and may the Force be with you both.”

Rey looked at Han Solo, who shrugged, and with that they both ran for the fog.

“That isn’t even your real voice, Skywalker! How can you truly do credit to the name of KENOBAEAUGUHGHA if you have to rely on James Earl Jones to sound intimidating?”

“What are you even saying? That sounds nothing like my grandpadawan’s name! It must be said with deep, solemn and regretful feeling. You have to project. Like this. Kenobi.”

“Why are all my apprentices obsessed with this Kenobi? He’s not even that attractive. Now Qui-Gon Jinn? That was a man!”

Obi-Wan groaned and buried his face in his hands.

Yup, this was just another Tuesday.