#i do not want to go through another soul crushing winter

[ttulipwritezz]

King Of My Heart (Body And Soul)~ R. Lupin.

Chapter 1 -  Stranger that I know.

Ootp! Remus Lupin x Sirius's sister!Reader

Synopsis: When James and lily died, and your brother was sent to Azkaban, Remus was the only person you have left. Until he left too. What happens when he returns after the events of Sirius's escape, only to find out you have a son? A son that's his.

WC: 817 words

Warnings: lots of italics, probably grammatical mistakes, kiss(es), might be ooc idk, child (?), fem reader, italics are flashbacks ( idk), love (ew), [ look at series masterlist for all content warnings]

A/n: bear with me on this one, it's rather short but it's to jumpstart the series so i can write the rest of the parts. If you like this, please reblog and comment! <3

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"When did you say they were arriving again?"

Your voice echoes through the walls of the kitchen at 12 Grimmauld place. you wipe down the kitchen counters as another smaller, more meek voice replies.

"Mum we talked about this" That's your son. Regulus.

After the event of your brother passing, you wanted to honour his name. Such a beautiful name it was. No matter how cruel the people to name him were.

"I know ,I just worry, what if they get lost? maybe they couldn't find the place? what if they got caught- " Your rambling was interrupted by your son once again.

"MUM! nothing is going to happen. Besides, he's your brother. And he has lived here before. You know him." Regulus reasoned, and frankly his reasoning was logical. you were just...paranoid.

You did however, leave out the fact that what truly made you nervous was Remus.

"Well i haven't for the past 14 years, Regulus." you replied, snappy, referring to sirius. Your impatience was nearly rivaling that of your son.

"when is it arrivingggg?" a voice full of exasperation nearly whines as the screeching sound of trolly wheels comes to a halt.

An eleven year old regulus rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet as he (claimed to) patiently wait for hogwarts express to make it's way into the platform.

A thirty three year old you bent down to brush away his untamed curls, sighing as you did so.

"It will arrive soon enough, dove. Calm down."

Your voice tried to reason but little regulus's patience was waning. You had never seen a kid be so excited at the thought of going off to boarding school. But you suppose watching his older brother Harry would have embedded him with some form of excitement for the school.

You would be lying if you said you weren’t just as excited. It was your son’s first day at school. Big boy wizarding school.You were excited to see your boy go to the place you first knew as home, meet your former professors, roam the halls that you did, and make friends.

You did not, however, expect his first friend to be Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy and your dearest cousin. In a way the two were cousins, they just didn’t know it yet.

That summer, when regulus came back from Hogwarts, he had a plethora of stories to tell you. His rant began with his new friends, Draco, Blaise, Pansy and Theo, and ended with his defense against the dark arts professor, Remus Lupin.

Needless to say all colour drained from your face at the mention of him. Remus Lupin…how do you even begin to describe remus lupin?

Remus is pretty. 

He is pretty like the sunrise in winter, when the sky is faded out and it's warm. Thats what you think as you sit on the roof of  potter manor. Chatting, with hands occupied by, what you think is, beer in plastic cups. You felt giddy, perhaps it was the alcohol in your system. Or the gentle brush of his hand on your clothed thigh. You felt…in love. Somewhere along the way your innocent schoolgirl crush had become something more. You hoped it had been so for him as well.

“Dove…”

His velvety voice catches your attention. You turn your head to him, only to see him still facing the sun. You’re sure he’s seen your movement though, as he takes it as his que to continue.

Nothing. Nothing could brace you for the words that were to follow.

“I fancy you.” Your eyes widen.He continues.

“I have for some time now… I think you fancy me too? Not to-  I- uhm–” 

“I do.” you find yourself speaking. 

That was your first of many kisses to come.

Just then, the sound of the doorbell catches your attention.

“That must be them” your son says, in a rather ‘i told you so’ tone.

You rush to wipe your hands on the kitchen towel and head for the door.

Taking a deep breath to brace yourself for what’s probably Remus Lupin on the other side of the door, you pull it open with a creak.

Your eyes immediately find his.

And for a moment, you're fourteen again. Staring at the brown haired bloke across kings cross station, as he laughs with your brother. Mesmerized by his eyes, his nose, his lips, his scars. You knew that face all too well.

You blink and you're back at the doorway. Staring at those brown eyes, those eyes you knew...all too well.

"Remus.."

"Hi, love"

Taglist (open): @twilightlover2007 @idli-dosa

[tetheredfeathers]

A little something I wrote inspired by this line.

Never having been in love, this is going to be a real trick. I think of my parents, the way my father never failed to bring her gifts from the woods.

She always brought him something from the woods.

The first time she brought him a single dandelion.

It had been a long winter, and the sun had only begun to peek through the cold shadows. It had been a good hunt today, with 2 rabbits and a squirrel shot right through the eyes. Her short dark hair tickled her neck as she practically skipped back home.

That's when she saw it – the first spring flower, a lone dandelion lurking between the wet shadows. She scurried towards it and quickly plucked it, almost afraid it would run away if she wasn't fast enough.

"Peetaaa," her voice rang through the house as she peeled off her shoes and hung her father's hunting jacket on the hooks Peeta had installed for her.

"In here," Peeta called from the kitchen.

She found him all serious, wrinkle between his eyebrows as he kneaded some dough. She skirted towards him wanting kiss the lines between his eyes.

"Hi, bread boy," she whispered sweetly before kissing the frosting off his lips.

"Hi," he said in between kisses

"Mhm, vanilla." Katniss breathed licking his lips.

"Here, try this," he said, spreading a thick layer of icing on a cinnamon roll and handing it her.

"Mhmm, so good. Thank you baby," she said between huge mouthfuls.

"I got you something from town today," Peeta sang, reaching into his pockets.

"Show me, show me," Katniss almost begged.

"You know Thom's little sister, Darlene," she nodded. "Yeah, well, she was really happy with her birthday cake and wanted to give me something in return."

He pulled out a long strip of transparent lace.

Katniss' face broke into a huge smile. "A ribbon? What does she think you're 12 to go around wearing ribbons?" she teased.

"Be nice, Katniss, she's only five. I doubt she knows how to gift a grown man," Peeta said.

"You do know she has a crush on you, right?" Katniss said, grabbing another cinnamon roll, stuffing her mouth once again.

"Who doesn't?" Peeta sassed, swaying his hips.

"I don't," Katniss rolled her eyes.

"Oh really?" he eyed her mischievously before grabbing her arms, leaving all but an inch between their sugary lips. "I wouldn't be too sure about that."

She shuddered involuntarily. Even after a year of being with him, just being near him made her weak in the knees. His warm hands slid down her arms before gently turning her around so that her back faced him. Slowly, he brought his hands up to her hair, bunching half her hair into a ponytail and tying the flimsy lace into a bow.

She turned around, beaming in his arms, peering into those blue eyes.

"Wow, birdie, look at yourself."

She blushed bright red before pulling out her dandelion from underneath the table.

"For you," she said shyly, holding it right under his face.

"Thank you, birdie," he said, delicately taking it from her hands as if it would slip from his grasp like water.

Her blush deepened. She loved it when he called her that. It reminded her of her father, that he was still a part of her, and just like him, she still sang wild and free. A bird that's what she was.

"You're my dandelion in the spring, you know that, right?" she whispered.

"I know," he whispered back, burying her mouth in long, warm kiss.

After that, she brought him something every day. Sometimes it would be tufts of dill or rye. Other times, she would bring him shiny stones that reminded her of the color of his eyes. Sometimes a feather or a leaf, but mostly she brought him flowers. She brought him wild onions because it reminded her of the day she broke her heart. She brought him daisies because they were as pure and white like his soul. She brought him sunflowers because he was her sun and followed him everywhere he went.

He kept a whole shelf dedicated to her gifts and pressed the flowers inside his notebook. It helped remind him that all was not lost on the more difficult days when she could not get out of bed or talk to him.

And on the night they conceived their first child, she whispered into his arms.

"I'm going to call her Dandelion."

[missacidburn928s-heathenhideaway]

I got all these issues. Will you be my prescription?

Bucky Barnes x POC!Reader

Wordcount: 4462

Summary:

A fight about your safety ensues when pictures of the two of you together get leaked by a fellow agent and former one night stand. He's livid that your relationship is exposed to the world and now could be used against him. You could care less who knows about your relationship. You've been together over a year, you knew what dating the former Winter Soldier brought with it. No, you're pissed that some bitch, who doesn't even count as an ex, is trying to ruin the best thing to happen to you.

Warnings:

Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Feels, Some Humor, Protective Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Song Lyrics, Inspired by Music, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Vaginal Sex, P In V Sex

Notes:

Hello Heathens! This oneshot came out of nowhere one evening when I was listening to music on my phone while working on another fic. A cover of the song "Issues" (originally performed by Julia Michaels) came on and my mind was flooded with this idea and story that I need to flesh out. I have no control of my muse. I just write the stories she tells me to. HAPPY READING! Lyrics for the song Issues by Cameron Bedell will be in bold. ( Here's a link for you to check out the song ) Thoughts in italic.

Banner by @cafekitsune Divider by @firefly-graphics

You're trying to get him to understand that the real problem is the agent and not the exposure. Yes you now have to be more careful when you're somewhere without him. But it's not much different than what you were already doing.

"If she leaked us being together what makes you think she wouldn't leak other more sensitive information. Hell, she already could have!" You argue, trying to get him to see the whole picture.

"I don't give a fuck about some jealous drunken hook up who still feels jaded. I never wanted you in danger. That's why it was so important to keep us hidden." He snaps back.

Your emotions finally get the best of you. "I never WANTED to be hidden James! I went along with it because it was something you needed that made you feel secure. One less reason I might leave." 

You shake your head as the tears begin to well in your eyes. "We're over a year in. I thought we'd be out to more than just people with enough clearance to be made aware. Makes me feel like your dirty little secret. I don't want to be that forever."

"Keeping your attachment to me hidden keeps you safe. What about that dont you understand?" He's so lost in his fear that he can't see things clearly.

"No. It leaves me vulnerable and easier to take with no one noticing because they're unaware of my relationship to the deadliest man I know." You calmly state. That seems to get his attention. "How can anyone fear the repercussions of even trying to get close to me like that without knowing who to be afraid of?" 

He just stands there. Tension radiating off his body. 

You let out an exasperated sigh and start walking to your door. "I think you need to go Bucky. I can't do this with you right now. You're so lost in your anger and fear that you're not thinking clearly. And I'm just plain pissed off. I don't want either of us to say something we regret later."

A look of shock crosses his face. "Doll, you can't be serious? We just got exposed. You're not safe."

"No one knows where I live, yet."

"Key word, yet."

"James." You reach for the knob. "Please just give me some time alone. I know where to find you when I'm ready. We both need to think about things from all angles."

He walks up to you and pins you to the door with a soul crushing kiss. Putting all of his fear and love into that one small gesture. He pulls away and allows you to open the door. Just as he crosses the threshold he turns his head your way. "This is far from over, doll. Don't keep me waiting too long."

You spend the next couple of days working through your thoughts with your guitar. Letting the music take you where you need to be. Mending the frayed edges and soothing the aches.

Through your musical therapy a song develops. Something that you think might help ease things between the two of you. Because, let's face it, you miss your man something fierce.

Every imperfect piece of him. Responding to his texts just to let him know you’re safe and alive, just isn't going to cut it anymore. Someone has to yield first, and it looks like this time around, it’s going to have to be you.

Mind made up on what you are going to do, you decide to give Steve a call.

It rings three times before he picks up. “Rogers.”

“Hey Stevie. How’s he holding up?” You waste no time asking what you so desperately want to know.

“Hey, Dollface.” He sighs. “‘Fraid to say, he’s not doing too great. Seems his already short fuse has shortened significantly. Had to take him off the training roster for the recruits because too many couldn't keep up with his demands or got injured.”

“Shit.” You shake your head even though you know he can't see it. “I was hoping he had calmed down some by now. I’m sorry Steve. I didn’t think he'd still be affected this much.”

“It’s not your fault. You know how overprotective he is in general. Add a threat, from the inside at that, and he goes nuclear.” He excuses.

“Well, I think I may have a solution to our problems.” You admit. “If not at least a band-aid for the time being. I’m going to need you and Sam’s help though. If you're willing of course.”

“I’m all ears. Want me to grab Sam so you don't have to explain it twice?”

“That would be great actually. I’d appreciate not having to spend more energy than I need too.”

“Alright. Hang on a sec.” You hear shuffling, followed by a door opening. Then the tell tale sound of a knock and a muffled voice before a door opens once more. “Hey Sam. Mind if I come in? I’ve got Buck’s best girl on the phone and she has something she wants to go over with us.”

“No problem man. Come on in.” Sam replies.

Once safely behind Sam’s door he places the phone on speaker. “Okay, doll. Tell us your plan.”

“It’s pretty simple really. I’ve used my time alone to reflect and process things the best way I know how. With my guitar.” You lightly chuckle. “Anyway. Long story short, I wrote something for James and I want to surprise him by performing it in front of you all.”

“All of us?” Sam asks.

“Well, just the Avengers. A small little private concert type of thing. Though I'll only be singing the one song halfway through. My friend has a great band that I think you all would love. If you can get Tony to hire them for the night to do a private show for you guys, I can sneak my performance in.”

“So Bucky will know about the private show but not that you're a part of it?” Steve questions for clarification.

“Yup.” You pop the ‘P’ for emphasis. “Think you can sway Tony to make this happen?”

“Seeing as how this should improve Bucky’s temperament and save us doing extra recruit rotations and paperwork. I don't see Tony being a problem. Text us when you know if your friend's band can do it and we’ll take it from there.” You can hear the relief in Steve’s voice over your plan.

“Thank you guys. I owe you big time.” You declare.

“Just help us get the normal grumpy old man back. That’s all we ask.” Sam imparts.

“That’s the plan.”

Tonight’s the night. You rub your hands anxiously against your thighs as the town car Tony sent for you cruises leisurely down the long Compound driveway. You surpass the front roundabout and make your way around to the back, near the private entrance and garage the Avengers use.

You text your friend Marco, the lead singer of Bow & Dagger, that you’ve arrived and to send someone out to get you. Of course your ex Chase, the bassist, is the one to greet you. He leans his body against the door frame, a smirk plastered across his face, as he scans your body from the bottom up. “Looking good Firefly.”

You roll your eyes at the use of your old nickname. “Still using that outdated moniker Chase?” 

He quirks a brow at you. “You’ll always be my firefly. Maybe even more so now that you’ve gotten away. I’ll forever be chasing your light.”

You can't help but laugh at him. “Does that lyrical prose still work on the female population nowadays?”

“I’ve had no complaints.” He shrugs. “It used to work on you just fine if I remember correctly. Hell you used to toss it right back at me.”

“The blessed naivety of youth. Thank the Goddess that I grew up and my priorities shifted. I’m a more well rounded individual now. Less in search of useless validation.”

“Ouch.” He clutches his chest. “Still got those talons, I see.”

“Never leave home with them.” You wink at him. “You gonna let me in so you can make that paycheck I’m sure is well above your normal fee, or stand there all night?”

“Get in here smartass before Marco lays in to me for wasting time.” He moves aside.

You walk into the pseudo green room and are immediately smothered in a bear hug. “Hiya Stu. I’m happy to see you too.” You say into his barreled chest. “Mind letting up a bit. I kinda need to feel my fingers in order to play.”

He quickly lets go, only to place his hands on your shoulders and stare at you with a dopey smile across his face. “I’m sorry girlie. I’m just so happy to see ya. It’s been too long.”

“It has. I’m sorry ‘bout that.” You wince. “Life kind of got away from me. You know how it goes.”

“I’d say all is forgiven, seeing as you booked us this sweet gig.” Marco butts in, scooping you up in a hug himself. 

“Fuck yeah! I finally get to shoot my shot with the Black Widow.” Stu exclaims.

“It’s the least I could do. You guys have no idea how much you're helping me out here.”  You walk over to the couch and place your travel case down.

“What exactly are we helping you with anyway?” Chase inquires.

“Some Rom-Com grand gesture type shit” You smugly state.

“No shit?” Stu asks.

“I speak only the truth.” 

“You gonna tell us who the unlucky schmuck is?” Chase snipes.

“With that attitude, you’re just going to have to wait and see.” You give him a smile to rival the Cheshire Cat’s. “The look on your face is going to be fucking priceless. I can’t wait.”

Before he can respond with some dickish comment, there’s a knock on the door, followed quickly by Tony and Steve entering the room.

Steve makes his way over to you. “Hey Dollface. You ready to get this show on the road?”

“I’m all set if these knuckleheads are ready to head on out there.” You turn towards the boys. “Have you guys met your benefactor for tonight's little private concert?”

“Negatory little lady.” Stu speaks up first, walking over to Tony. “Howdy Mr. Stark. The name’s Stu. Bow and Dagger’s drummer and loveable goofball. That’s Chase. Bassist and resident fuckboy. And the merose looking fucker over there is Marco our lead guitar and vocals.”

“That suits you.” Tony imparts. “You certainly give off drummer vibes. Lots of energy. Any questions on how this is gonna work?” 

“I wouldn't mind a breakdown.” You pipe up.

"Here's how it's going to go." Steve grabs everyone's attention with his Captain voice. "We're going to gather the team in the common room where Sam and I set up a stage earlier. Tony is going to introduce the band. You'll play 3 songs and announce your taking a 5 min smoke break. That's when Dollface here is going to make her way on stage and do her thing." 

He smiles over at you. "Hopefully if all goes well you guys will finish your set and then you're welcome to stay for dinner and hang out."

"Solid plan golden boy. You come up with that all on your own." You joke.

"Always with the smart quips. I'll remember that. Now let's get moving before the team gets restless and wanders off."

So far the evening was flowing seamlessly. As Bow & Dagger played the last notes on your third song, your nerves decided to make themselves known. You watched them announce their break and leave the stage. 

Before you could sabotage yourself, you made your way onto the tiny stage and turned to the group of mostly stunned superheroes. “Hey guys. I hope you don’t mind me interrupting. I have some things I need to get off my chest and thought I might provide some intermission entertainment in the process.”

You roam the space for Bucky and lock eyes with his Steel blues, seated on the sofa next to Steve. Taking a deep breath, your fingers begin to strum the opening chords, the team looking on in curiosity over what may come out of your mouth.

Sustaining eye contact you let the lyrics flow out of you as if there is no one else in the room.  

Mmm mm mm I'm jealous I'm overzealous When I'm down I get real down When I'm high, I don't come down I get angry Baby, believe me I could love you just like that And I could leave you just this fast

You take in his demeanor, stock still but engaged nonetheless.  

But you don't Judge me 'Cause if you did, baby I would judge you too No, you don't judge me 'Cause if you did, baby I would judge you too

The only thought in your head is Here goes nothing, as you put your whole heart into the chorus.

'Cause I got issues But you got 'em too So give 'em all to me And I'll give mine to you Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em Yeah, I got issues And one of them is how bad I need you

You breathe a little easier when you notice him start to soften. Just absorbing the piece of your soul you're sharing with everyone. 

You do shit on purpose You get mad and you break things Feel bad, try to fix things But you're perfect Poorly wired circuit And got hands like an ocean Push you out Pull you back in

A subtle smile crosses his face at the truth in your words. The picture of him that many do not get to see. You really get into it as you run through the bridge and chorus one more time. Now it’s time to bring it home and woo your man.

Ooohhh, Need you OOOOOOH AHHHH I got issues You got 'em too So give 'em all to me And I'll give mine to you Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em Yeah, I got issues And one of them is how bad I need you Ooh hoo hoo I got issues  One of them is how bad I need yoou Issues And one of them is how bad I need you

You could hear a pin drop in the room as Bucky rises from his seat and makes his way over to the stage. You swallow and try to get your breathing under control as you have no idea what is going to happen. 

Before you know it, he’s standing in front of you, broad chest heaving. He brings his hands up and cups your face before pulling you into an earth shattering kiss.

You forget that you have an audience until the sound of their cheers and clapping reaches your ears. You think you not only hear but see the muted flash of a camera through your closed lids.

You come up for air to see Bucky with the most lovesick expression on his face. “You did all that for me?” 

You nod your head. “Figured it was the best way to get you to listen and understand.”

“Fuck I love you.”

“Love you too James.”

Sam rushes over to the stage. “Man, I live streamed the whole thing. The people are going crazy over ya’ll.”

“You did what?!” You both blurt out.

“I streamed it. The world already knows about you. Might as well milk it. No need to thank me, damn.”

Bucky moves to jump off the stage and rush Sam. You barely catch him in time. “Hey. Don't let him get to you okay. You know how much he loves to rile you up.”

“Sorry, doll. He’s just such a douchebag sometimes. We were having a moment.” He apologizes, running his thumb along your bottom lip.

“It’s fine.” You nip at the flesh as it passes over once more. “What I really want to know is if performing the song in front of everyone was okay? I just wanted you to hear me out and understand my side of things. I didn't want to embarrass you or anything.”

“Doll. Stop rambling.” You shut your mouth. “I loved it. Honestly I liked that they got to see how much you feel for me.”

You beam up at him. “Good.”

“Now I have some displays of affection I need to show you myself. Come on babygirl.” He pulls you off stage and heads towards the hallway that connects with his, Steve and Sam’s wing of the compound.

You’re pulled inside Bucky’s room, tripping over your sneakers as he hurriedly maneuvers you through his space. “James, slow down. I’m gonna eat shit if you keep it up.”

He stops in front of the bed, turning toward you. “Shut up.” He grabs your waist and tosses you down on to the mattress, climbing on and caging you in with his massive frame. “You’ve used that mouth enough tonight. Now it’s my turn.” 

With no time to catch your breath, he renders you incapable of responding by capturing your lips with his own. Kissing life back into your body, as your tongues dance a tango only you know. 

He takes his time as his hands roam your curves. Sneaking his cool metal digits under your shirt, leaving goosebumps in their wake. He begins to remove your shirt, placing his flesh hand  underneath your lower back as he slowly lifts your torso to pull your shirt over your head. You raise your arms in aid, grazing your fingertips across the stubble along his jaw when he tosses your shirt aside.

He trails his hands down your flesh until he reaches the waistband of your jeans. With a quick snap of his vibranium fingers your button is undone, your zipper quickly following suit. He starts to slide the denim down, tapping your hip to get you to raise them so that he can remove them entirely.

Leaning back on his haunches, he grabs the back of his shirt with his flesh hand and pulls it off. His lust blown blue eyes focused on you draped over his bed sheets.  “So fucking beautiful.” He runs his hands up your legs, gripping the waistband of your panties when he reaches your hips and takes his time removing them from your body. 

“Take your bra off for me, babygirl.” You lean up on your elbows, reach behind your back and unclasp the garment, letting it fall away from you body. 

Leaning forward, he ghosts kisses along all of your exposed skin. Mapping out a trail of pleasure and gooseflesh. Teasing first one and then the other nipple with his tongue, ending each with a deep suction. 

The slow paced teasing continues, driving your need for him higher. He stops his trek at your mound, hot breath blowing puffs of air on the cooling slick leaking from your folds. “So beautiful and all mine.” He runs a cool metal finger along your drenched lips. He ensnares you in his gaze. “That’s right, isn't it, babygir? This pretty little pussy is mine to do with as I please?”

“Yes. All of this is yours.” You pant out. Delirious for him to do something more than tease.

“Damn right it is.” He runs a stripe from taint to clit with his skillful tongue. Circling your sensitive little bundle nerves, pulling a moan out of your throat. Having had enough of taking his time slowly torturing you he thrusts his tongue inside your aching center. The thick muscle massaging your silken walls, giving them something to finally clamp on to. 

“Mmm. James. Fuck. Your tongue feels so good baby.” Your hands anchor themselves in his hair, just enjoying the ride. But that’s not enough for him. He wants you desperate and begging before he gives in and makes you come apart on his cock.

He pulls his tongue out, swirling it along your folds, seeking out every drop of your essence. Moving the appendage upward to lightly circle figure eight patterns on your clit, bringing you right to the edge. So close to falling over that cliff into utter bliss before he pulls away.

“No! Why’d you stop? I was so close.” You sit up, reaching out for his face, wanting to drag him back to your pulsing center.

He scoots back off the bed. “The first time you come after sending me away and keeping your distance, is going to be while my cock is deep inside you.” He unbuckles his belt, drawing your eyes down to his hands working on divesting himself of the last of his garments.

You're hypnotized by his movements. Mouth watering as you wait for his thickness to spring free from its confines. Time seems to stand still as his pants drop to the floor. “You went commando.” You whisper out, licking your suddenly dry lips.  

“Wonderful coincidence. I wasn't expecting to see you tonight and Steve came pounding on my door right as I got out the shower to tell me I had to come be a part of the festivities. I just threw on the closest clothes.” He shrugged, wrapping his metal fist around his length, giving himself a few pumps as he drank you in with a predatory gaze.

“Lay back down, babygirl.” He husks out. The command sends a fresh wave of slickness to your core, anticipating what’s to come, as you slowly lie back.

“Spread those luscious thighs for me, doll. Present me with my perfect little pussy.” He grunts out as he continues to stroke himself, a bead of precome precariously close to dropping from the tip as he places a knee down on the bed.

You open your legs wide enough to show off your glistening folds. Following his command, but holding back just enough to make him growl and push your thighs open the rest of the way. 

“You really wanna play with me right now, babygirl? After keeping this body away from me for days?” He rubs his cock between your cleft, tip bumping against your engorged and still so sensitive clit.

You squirm and whimper, just wanting him to be inside of you already. That halted orgasm, inching its way back to the surface every time his hot length grazes your bundle of nerves. 

“I’m sorry, James. Please. Need you inside me.” You plead. “It’s been too long since you filled me up.”

“You’re sorry huh?” You quickly nod your head. “Gonna let me wreck this pussy? Ruin you for anyone else? Milk me dry like the cumdrunk little slut that you are?”

“Yes. Yes. Please.” You beg, just wanting him to finally take you, reclaim you as his own.

“As you wish, babygirl.” He slams forward to the hilt, splitting you open with his girth.

He doesn't even give you a moment to get reacquainted with the size of him deep inside you. He just pulls back and thrusts in harder. Setting up a pace that just makes your brain go fuzzy and every nerve-ending sings in pleasure.

“Fuuuck. Look at you doll.” He grunts out. “Already cock drunk and I’ve barely gotten started. Pussy’s gripping me so tight baby. She doesn't want to let me go.”

Your mind can't function enough to produce anything other than moans, whimpers and wails of pleasure. You’re flying a serotonin high you are not ready to come down from yet. The coil in your core tightening as you dance closer and closer to the knife's edge of orgasm. Waiting for the moment when you dive off the edge into ecstasy.

Almost as if sensing that your climax is impending, Bucky picks up the pace, swiveling his hips and grinding his pelvis down on your clit for added stimulation. “Come on, baby. Come for me, pretty girl. I can feel your walls quivering around me. Give in. Fall apart on my cock. Show me how good I make you feel.”

That’s it. That’s all you need to lose yourself and let go completely. Surrendering to the euphoric bliss, screaming out for the whole compound to hear.

A rainbow of stars detonate behind your eyes as you writhe beneath him, back arching off the mattress before you go limp, laying in a state of bonelessness.

“Don’t pass out on me now doll. I’m so close. Little pussy is squeezin’ me so tight.” His pumps become erratic as he chases his own high. “Don’t you want me to fill  you up? Have me leaking out of you for days?”

You just nod and whisper out. “Please. Full.” Not able to formulate more than two words in your current state.

It was all the validation that he needed to hear to stop holding back and release the days worth of his seed into your waiting womb. Painting the walls white with rope after rope of his spend. 

It felt like it went on forever with how much he was pouring into you, until his dick stopped twitching and he collapsed on your chest. Catching his breath and covering your face in sweet kisses as you both come back down to earth.

You stayed locked together, your pussy warming his cock, as you both let your fingertips roam along the other's skin. Allowing yourselves time to just revel in the moment of the new direction your relationship is heading.

"You sure you're okay with the world knowing about us, doll? You’re not afraid that you'll no longer be safe?" He asks into your neck. 

"Like I said before, I feel no less safe than I did before, James.” You tell him with conviction. ”Plus now, I get to rub it in everyone's face that the White Wolf is all mine.” You grin like the cat that got the cream. “You're truly stuck with me now, Bucky."

He chuckles. "I wouldn't have it any other way." He places a soft kiss on your lips.

Just as the kiss deepens and you start the journey towards round two, there’s a knock at the door, followed by Sam’s muffled voice. "You guys done making up yet? Steve wont let us eat until you guys get back out here."

You both can’t help but laugh. "Tell Stevie we'll be right out but we're not staying long. I've got time to make up for."

“TMI man! A simple ‘Be right out’ would have been enough, Buck.” Sam scoffs as we walks back to the common area.

“Come on, doll. Let’s get dressed before Stevie comes looking for us next.”

If you made it to the end, THANK YOU! If you liked it please feel free to let me know (but it's not required); and if you didn't, that's okay too, I still thank you for even giving it a chance.

[dayseternal-blog]

Know any heartbreaking NH fics? I don't mean just angst, I mean soul-crushing pain. Like "In Another Life" by theGeneralissimo.

mmm okay, these are the ones I found the most painful:

Devastated to learn that Kid Crisis deleted their "Gilded Butterflies" fic 😭

Okay. Well, that's gone. Wayback Machine doesn't have it either.

“Common Side Effects” by katarinahime & “Medicated” by szajnie - Rated E for a lot of things, Crime/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto and Hinata, in a struggling relationship, must confront the pain inside before they can love each other.

“Consolation Prize: Through Her Distorted Mirror” by mysterious intentions - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. From any angle, waiting one-and-a-half years for an answer wears the heart down. “It is going to be very hard for me to feel this way about anyone else, there’s only so many people that can flip your world upside down. However, I shouldn’t, no I can’t accept simply being a consolation prize. I have to be strong.”

“Mistake” by Cherry1315 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto falls apart, and, unfortunately, Hinata has to pick up the pieces.

“Duplicity” by GoldKing - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Uzumaki Sakura wants to know why Hinata’s children are blond.

“My Favorite Night” [Original] by peppercornpresses - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Hinata harbors deeper feelings for Naruto after three years of being his roommate. When he starts dating Sakura, Hinata decides it’s in her heart’s best interest to turn the other way, and leaves Naruto for good with a heart-breaking secret in tow. IMO the rewrite is not as painful as this unfinished first wip.

"Girl No 10" by meeiwan - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto makes a mistake with a dancer one drunk night.  Years later when he meets her again, he begins realizing his perfect life is a lie, but he’s too late to fix it. 

"The End of Winter" by @happyocelot - Rated T, Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. He was always looking forward, seeing something beyond the big, wide sky. Seeing something no one else could see. Those morning rays of the sun, they hit him first. And maybe she wanted to see what he saw, so she started craning her neck in the same direction. Only now she had to do it without him by her side. Naruto dies. Hidden leaves bloom in Hinata's veins.

For anyone who hasn't yet read the one anon mentions:

“In Another Life” by theGeneralissimo - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. In which Naruto listens to his mother’s advice and marries a girl like her. And lives to regret it.

Well, I think that those others are more soul-crushing than "In Another Life" tbh. Anyone can feel free to add on the fic that crushes their soul the most here!

[bestworstcase]

Your thoughts on semblances are fascinating! Have you pondered the possible semblance our favorite war machine magical girl Penny might’ve had? If she’d had the time to discover it for herself. Thoughts on why she didn’t have a semblance?

i think the answer to why she never manifested a semblance is probably right there: she was built to be a weapon of war. the atlesian military built a robotic super-soldier and then gave it the soul of an idealistic young girl who just wanted everyone—including herself—to be safe, free, and happy. she was was kept isolated and taught to expect harsh rejection from anyone who found out she wasn’t a “real girl,” then murdered to make a political statement, then brought back and isolated again and made responsible for the safety of an entire city where civilian self-defense is criminalized. whatever her semblance might have been, penny wasn’t going to find it while being crushed in the jaws of that machine.

this is not true of every character, but it is true of a lot: a character’s semblance often reflects or represents how they deal with problems. when ruby’s on her game, she thinks miles ahead of anyone else and zips around obstacles like they’re not even there—when she isn’t, she falls apart and runs away. yang takes whatever life throws at her and finds strength in adversity through sheer refusal to give up. blake knows how to mask her vulnerability and retreats from things she isn’t ready to face, but when she is ready she’ll fling herself headlong at the problem with everything she has. jaune doesn’t care what happens to him, but he’ll do anything for his friends. ironwood will sacrifice whatever it takes to achieve his ends, no matter the cost. et cetera.

penny is a character so defined by the unstoppable force-meets-immovable object struggle between duty and desire, what she needs to do versus what she wants to do versus what she’s able to do, that i feel any semblance posited for her has to speak to that somehow or another to feel right for her.

how does penny deal with her problems? how does she try to extricate herself from between the rock and the hard place?

tries to have the rock and eat the hard place too, mainly. penny needs to be the protector of mantle and she wants friends, which the protector of mantle “doesn’t have time for,” so she tries to befriend everyone up and down her chain of command. but when the chips are down and penny has to make a choice, she chooses to do what she wants—holds her best friend in her final thoughts so she can say goodbye, rather than take the pragmatic/strategically correct option of giving the magic to weiss.

and. there is also: “let me take the relic to salem, and maybe she will call off her attack on the kingdom.”

penny is at best passively suicidal in v8 and i do think that influences her thinking here, but also—it’s safe to assume team rwby looped jnor in on what went down in ironwood’s office, including salem offering the terms of her siege, because oscar’s response (“i don’t think we can trust salem to actually do that”) suggests awareness of what salem said (“the people of atlas have suffered enough; surrender the lamp and the staff to me, and they needn’t suffer any further.”)

everyone else takes it for granted that salem is lying through her teeth. penny does not. she doesn’t take salem at her word either—maybe she will call off her attack—but she is the only character who even considers that salem might have been honest. as the winter maiden, penny is also the one who gets final say over whether or not that vault is opened, and it is her responsibility to decide. her instinct, in this situation, with this burden on her shoulders, is to spend a lot of time quietly thinking about it in the corner while everyone else quarrels, and then hesitantly question the assumption that salem cannot be negotiated with. oscar shuts that down and yang adds “no one is turning you over to anybody” (notice how penny goes from active subject to passive object there? “let me take the relic to salem” -> “no one’s turning you over.”) so nothing comes of it.

but it’s uh. probably not an accident that Penny Polendina is the first Good Guy to consider taking a risk on salem.

and i think it’s instructive to imagine how things might have gone if penny put her foot down and said no, let’s really talk about this. because “let me take the relic to salem” does not mean “let me deliver the relic to salem on a silver platter and then lie down for cinder fall to kill me” necessarily, penny is thinking in terms of a bargaining chip, and this is penny we’re talking about. penny is not a pushover penny is absolutely, one hundred percent, the kind of person who would have flown up there with the staff and very bluntly demanded to know Why Salem Is Doing This and Will She Really Leave If Penny Gives Her The Staff. and then done her level best to explode the whale if she didn’t find salem’s answers persuasive.

which—bringing this back to the question at hand—is sort of the distilled essence of how penny Deals With Things when she’s acting in accordance with her own best judgment. see also, amity, and “i can fix this,” and holding up an entire satellite on her shoulders.

she does not do half measures or harm reduction or damage control; she does i can fix this. she does maybe i can get salem to turn around and leave.

unstoppable force, immovable object.

so what’s her semblance? how do we convey this essence symbolically? (there is the obvious answer of just taking “immovable force” literally, but i don’t think penny would have a combat-oriented semblance for thematic reasons.)

have you ever heard of the pinocchio paradox? it’s a variant of the liar’s paradox (“this sentence is false”) occurring when pinocchio says “my nose grows now”—if it is true, then his nose does not grow, which means he is lying, which means his nose does grow, which means he is telling the truth and so forth. there is, i think, some appealing thematic strings to pluck here in that it’s a fairly common trope in science fiction for artificial intelligences to be stymied by liar’s paradoxes; penny, being a person, would not have this problem. likewise she is honest to a fault whereas pinocchio is, famously, a liar. and infinite regress is an unstoppable force of a kind.

what’s the immovable force? how do you solve the liar’s paradox? there are many ways, some more interesting than others, but one is to reject the bivalent logic and conclude that the statement is neither true nor false. take the excluded middle road. if the unstoppable force is true-false-true-false-true-false in a vicious spiral, the immovable object might be equivocation. maybe. it depends.

i tend to think penny’s semblance would entail splitting the difference in some form or another. the thorny piece for me is deciding in what form and context, because again i think for thematic reasons it can’t be combat-oriented. some way of refusing a fight is conceptually interesting to me; something like creating a space or a moment where violence isn’t just not the answer but isn’t possible. maybe a sort of reverse of gus caspian’s semblance, a wind that banishes volatile feelings and brings emotional clarity. an answer to “i do not like it when friends fight.”

[minisugakoobies]

Into the Rush - Part One | KSJ

Pairing: Seokjin x Reader

Genre: angst, fluff, smut, crack, Best Friend's Brother!AU, Dodgeball!AU

Rating: M (18+)

Warnings: swearing, drinking, mentions of feeling rejected and unlovable, a little angsty but you know me, pansexual!Taehyung in the house, side VMin, Wooga Squad alert, Himbo NamKook alert, dance leader Hobi is reimagined here as a dodgeball team captain, implied sex, the smut is to come (heh) in part two

Word Count: 7.3K for part one; total wc tbd

Disclaimers: NSFW, obviously I don’t own BTS - they just inspire me

Summary:  When your best friend Taehyung tells you he has the perfect thing to help you get over a broken heart, you’re surprised to learn he means dodgeball, the beloved game of sociopathic gym teachers everywhere. But even more surprising is the way you find comfort in the game, and so much more, as you fall into the rush with the help of another teammate - his brother, Seokjin.

A/N: Happy belated birthday, Jin! This was written as part of the Catch of the Century collab, hosted by MVPs @raplinesmoon @joheunsaram and @kithtaehyung!

Sooooo this underwent a few rewrites and then my life blew up as the December deadline got closer and then I decided to do Kinkmas because I'm just a gal who can't say no. I knew I could either rush to get this done, be upset at how shoddily written it is, and then hate myself for putting out something I wasn't proud of just to meet the deadline, orrrrr I could be kind to myself and recognize that I am a human and not a machine and sometimes despite my best efforts I fall short, and release it as a two-parter. Et voilà! Here is part one.

Unbeta'd as usual.

Please don't be a silent reader 🥺 I'd love to know what you think! 💕

Masterlist 💜 Find me on AO3 💜 Part Two

“Dodgeball. You want to play dodgeball?” 

You stare at your roommate incredulously. Taehyung nods. 

“Dodgeball. The kids game? The beloved sport of sociopathic PE teachers everywhere? That dodgeball?” 

He can’t be serious. Neither you nor he are the athletic type. But from the solemn look on his face as you continue to sputter in surprise, you know he’s not joking. Taehyung is many things - an artist, a daydreamer, the kindest soul you’ve ever met and your best friend of five years and counting - but he’s not a liar. 

Still, when he’d walked into your room five minutes ago, yanked back the curtains to let the late-morning light in, and told you to get up because he had an idea, you’d assumed he’d wanted you to go with him down to the coffee shop on the corner so he could covertly admire his latest crush, the cute barista with the pink hair. Dodgeball was nowhere near the possibilities your mind conjured up. 

Taehyung sighs. “Yes. Dodgeball. There’s an adult league that plays at the rec center on Saturdays and I want to join. And I want you to join, too.” He flops down on your bed, nudging you over so he can lie next to you, ignoring your grumbles as you make room. “I think it would be good for you to get out a little. Get some fresh air.”

“I have plenty of fresh air,” you inform him, gesturing to your bedroom window, which is currently cracked about an inch. It might be spring, but the chill that clings in the air still feels like winter. 

“Uh-huh. Sure you do. But out of curiosity, when’s the last time you actually left the apartment, besides for work?”

“Um.” He’s got you there. Casting your mind back, you can’t even remember the last time you left the safety of your home to do anything other than clock in at the bartending job where you both work. “Does going to the mailbox count?”

It doesn’t, and he doesn’t even need to respond, just gives you his signature exasperated look, but the warmth in his brown eyes shimmers just beneath as always. “Pumpkin,” he begins, using one of the many silly nicknames he loves to address you by, knowing how much you hate cutesy stuff like that, “you can’t hide in here forever.” 

An instant rebuttal floats through your mind. You absolutely can hide in your room for the rest of your life, if you so choose. The internet brings the world to your fingertips. Everything can be delivered these days. Okay, true, you’ll still need to leave for work, but that’s only until you finish your novel and net yourself a publishing deal. Then you can quit your crappy bartending job, build yourself the perfect blanket nest, and become the hermit you were always meant to be. 

Joining a dodgeball team doesn’t fit into that plan. It’s going to require you to go outside. Outside is dangerous. 

Outside is where he is. 

At the sharp pang that stabs your gut, you turn to your roommate with a grimace. “I don’t know. I’m not really a… sports…person - and neither are you, frankly. And it’s a team sport, which means others will be relying on you. You really think this is something you can commit to? I mean, remember the gym?”

Last year, the two of you had joined a gym together at his suggestion, which you both had visited a grand total of one time. He later confessed he’d only signed up because a hot customer at the bar had convinced him to after a long evening of flirting. That short-lived commitment ended the moment Taehyung arrived at the gym and discovered that the hot patron’s promise to give Tae a full-body workout was not, to Tae’s disappointment, a euphemism, but only a sales pitch.

Again, Taehyung doesn’t respond to your question. Instead, he uses the one weapon in his arsenal that destroys you every time the two of you argue over what to do.

With a tilt of his head, Taehyung flashes you his big sad puppy dog eyes.

You sigh. “Goddamn it. Fine. Fine. Let’s play dodgeball.” 

Immediately, Taehyung’s countenance changes, a brilliant, boxy smile crossing his face as he grins at your caving. “Great! Sign-ups are actually this afternoon, sooooo… up and at ‘em, cupcake! Let’s get moving.” He jumps up, holding out his hands, and you begrudgingly let him pull you out of bed. “You’re definitely going to need a shower before we meet the other players.” 

“Have I ever told you how annoying you are?” you mutter as you follow him down the hallway towards your tiny kitchen to brew some coffee, knowing you’ll need the caffeine if you’re going to be socializing with strangers this afternoon. 

He beams again, tossing his dark bangs out of his eyes. “All the time.”

The rec center is only a few blocks from your apartment, but you’d never stepped foot inside before Taehyung drags you down there to sign up for the league. Still, there’s a familiar scent when you walk into the building, the smell of rubber mats and sweat mingling together, stirring up memories of PE classes from grade school. The flashbacks make you shudder. 

Taehyung shakes you out of your memories as he steers you towards a folding table that’s been set up in the lobby. “Come on, we check in here.” A friendly woman in a purple tracksuit sitting at the table waves you over. 

“Hiya! Are you team leaders or free agents?” She laughs at your blank stares. “Okay, I’ll take that to mean you’re not here to sign up an existing team, but you’re free agents in search of a team to join!” 

“Oh, yeah, that’s us,” Taehyung nods sagely, as if he knew that. 

“Great! If you’ll just fill out these forms…” she hands you both a sheet of paper, “I will process your fees, and then I can point you in the direction of some teams looking to add some new players!” 

Forms? Fees? This is more complicated than you’d expected. You’d figured you’d just walk in and play, like joining a pick-up game of basketball or something similar that people who like sports might do. “So, um, how does this work?” 

The smile never leaves her face as Ms. Purple Tracksuit explains that you’ll be joining a team for the next ten weeks to play against other teams in a tournament ending in a championship match between the two best teams. “And the fee covers your uniform!” 

“A uniform?”

She leans forward, whispering conspiratorially. “Don’t get too excited. It’s just a t-shirt.” 

After you hand in your form and make Taehyung pay your fee, Ms. Purple Tracksuit tells you to head into the main gymnasium, where the team leaders looking for new recruits are waiting. There’s another dose of déjà vu as you enter the room to find several clusters of players standing around, sizing you up as you walk in. It reminds you of being a kid, waiting on the sidelines while the other kids whisper to one another about who to pick.

“Uh, this is a little intense,” you whisper to Taehyung, clinging to his elbow as he blithely strolls between the groups. “I feel like I’m being judged.” 

“Nah, this is a numbers thing,” he says. According to Ms. Purple Tracksuit, teams consist of six to ten players, so there’s a good chance you’ll be able to find a team together. If you’re picked at all, that is. “Whatever team needs two players will take us, I’m sure.” 

Your roommate just wanders through life with a natural confidence that you’ve rarely seen in others. You suppose it makes sense, given how handsome and talented he is. Still irks you a bit. 

“And what makes you say that?” You scan the room, taking in the other players. There are several others who wear similar expressions to your own, looking a little overwhelmed. It strangely gives you hope that you won’t be the only one here who doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

And then there are those who look like they live, eat, and breathe dodgeball, like the two tall, muscle-bound gods to your left, both wearing a shirt that says “Rock the Balls.” Team leaders, you assume. 

“Uh-huh, sure,” Taehyung replies distractedly, and you frown, following his gaze to see what caught his attention, since he’s clearly not listening, only to spy pink hair and a gorgeous smile that you recognize from your favorite coffee shop.

Grabbing his arm, you force your roommate to look at you as you hiss his name. “Taehyung. Tell me we’re not here because of that barista!” 

“Hmm?” Tae’s starry-eyed expression is all the answer you need. Of course. Of course he dragged you here so he could flirt with his crush. How did you not see this coming? “What? Noooo, I told you, I want to play dodgeball! But isn’t it a nice coincidence that Jimin is here?” 

“Right. Coincidence. You’re unbelievable.” With an exasperated sigh, you give him a push. “Well, go talk to your man. See if his team needs two new players.” 

Taehyung doesn’t need telling twice, happily bouncing towards the barista. And now you’re alone in a gymnasium full of strangers, feeling left out again. As you slowly revolve in place, looking for somewhere to hide and wait for Taehyung to return, one of the muscle-bound gods approaches. 

“Hey,” he says, giving you a little head nod. “You looking for a team?” 

Technically, you suppose you are, but you should probably see if Taehyung will be dragging you on to Jimin’s team with him first. But as you glance at the god, with his wavy dark hair and silver lip ring nestled in the corner of a pair of rather pink lips, you’ve the urge to say yes. He and his buddy are mind-meltingly hot. 

“I’m not sure. I’m here with a friend,” you finally respond. Super glad Taehyung forced you to shower today.

The god nods, eyes dragging over your frame. If you touched your cheeks right now, you’re pretty sure they’d be blazing hot under his gaze. “That’s cool. I’m Jungkook, by the way, and this is Namjoon.” He nods to the other god, whose lips quirk in a cool half-smile. 

“Sup,” he rumbles, jerking his chin in your direction. He runs a hand through his short, dark hair, fingers scratching over the lines buzzed into the sides. “We run Rock the Balls. And we’re looking for two new members.”

“Actually, that’s gonna be three new members,” a familiar voice declares behind you. Your eyes widen before you spin to find yet another handsome man behind you. But this one you know well.

“Jin-ah!” Throwing your arms around his neck, you attack Seokjin with a hug, grinning as his squeaky laugh echoes through the gymnasium. It’s been nearly a year since you’ve seen Taehyung’s older brother, but he looks mostly the same - the same warm brown eyes surrounded by ever-deepening laugh lines, the same perfect cupid’s bow twitching as he smiles as you. The only difference is that his hair is a little shaggier now, a fluffy brown cloud that bounces when you finally release him. 

“I could get used to a hello like that,” Seokjin grins.

“When did you get home?” you ask, vaguely aware that the gods have drifted away. “And what are you doing here?”

“Got in two days ago. I would’ve stopped by to see you and Tae-yah, but I needed to get my land legs back first.” Seokjin probably means that pretty literally, since he’s spent the last year on a research station in the middle of the ocean. As a marine biologist, he works at a local lab run by a federal agency, studying the effects of ocean pollution on various species of fish. Occasionally, he has to do field work, but this last round was his longest stint yet, taking him away from home for nearly twelve full months. “When I texted him this morning, he mentioned that he was joining a dodgeball team, and I… well, I had to check that out for myself.” You both laugh. “So I thought I’d surprise you.”

“You definitely did that!” you confirm. “I want to hear all about your research trip. Did you find anything interesting? Discover any new species?” You lean in excitedly. “Did you finally find some mermaids??”

Seokjin tuts. “Aish, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m not a deep sea diver, I’m just a guy pulling water samples off a dock?” 

“Yeah, whatever, Jin Cousteau.” 

He rolls his eyes. “I was really hoping that that nickname would’ve died out in the last year.” 

“Oh no, that one’s for life. And listen, you can downplay your job all you want, but I know the deal. You just can’t tell me anything because the government forces you to keep those secrets locked down. But I’ll get the truth out of you someday.” 

“Oh?” Seokjin cocks an eyebrow. “And just how d-”

“Hyung!!” 

“Oof!” Seokjin grunts as your roommate launches himself at his brother, tackling him in a bear hug. When the affectionate embrace becomes a wrestling match in the middle of the gym, you feel a presence at your side, and turn to find Jimin and another man watching the melee with a surprised look on their faces. 

“Don’t worry,” you reassure them, “they’re always like this.” 

“Uh, okay,” the barista chuckles. “Um, I wanted to introduce you to my friend, Hoseok. Hoseok-ah, this is YN, Taehyung-ah’s roommate.” 

“Hey.” The other man grins a smile that can only be described as a beam of pure sunshine, and you wonder if this dodgeball league is for models only, because you’re basically surrounded by nothing but gorgeous people.  

“Hi. Um, and that is Seokjin, Tae-yah’s brother,” you gesture to the skirmish. 

“Mmmice to meet eww!” Seokjin’s response is a little muffled by Taehyung’s armpit, but he manages to wave. 

“Hyung, why didn’t you tell me you were going to be here?” Taehyung whines.

“Anted oo urprise!” Seokjin finally untangles himself from his brother’s headlock. “Wanted to surprise you,” he says again, more clearly. 

“We’re starting a new team, and we could use three players, if you’d all like to join us?” Hoseok asks. 

“Are you sure you want this on your team?” you reply, gesturing to Taehyung and Seokjin.

“I think we can handle them,” Jimin grins, and Taehyung’s smile turns blinding. “Besides, we could use that energy on the court!” 

“Yeah,” Hoseok agrees. “Also, we’re a brand new team, so we’re desperate!” 

“That’s my favorite word.” Seokjin’s shoulders shake as he cracks himself up. “We’re in!”

Hoseok smiles. “Fantastic. Welcome to the Seven Slamurai!”

Once you’ve finished signing up for Hoseok’s team, you, Taehyung, and Seokjin decide to grab some dinner together. Another thing about Seokjin that hasn’t changed during his time away is his voracious appetite, so you take him to an all-you-can-eat bbq restaurant not far from the rec center. 

As the soju starts flowing and the plates start piling up, Seokjin tells you about his year on the ocean. He starts out with a disclaimer, warning you that his research isn’t interesting, and he’s not entirely wrong. Most of it goes over your head, since it’s been years since you last took a biology course. But it’s not really what he’s talking about that keeps you focused on him, it’s how he talks about it that holds your attention. You’re fascinated by his passion for his work. His dedication to studying ocean life in order to preserve and protect it. It makes you wish you had a cause of your own to defend.

And then, of course, as the liquor catches up with him, he tells you all the gossip about the other crew members on his station - the hookups, the fights, all the little scandals that brought the drama to the high seas. Seokjin’s always been a good storyteller, knowing just what to say to keep you and Taehyung laughing.

“But what about you?” you ask when Seokjin pauses to stuff some pork belly in his face. “Did you have any flings with any of the other scientists? Hmmm? Dip your fishing rod in company waters?” 

“Gross,” Taehyung mumbles around a mouthful of beef bulgogi.

Seokjin shakes his head. “Nah. I didn’t click with anyone there like that. Honestly, we spent so much time together each day that by the end of it, I was dying to get away from most of them, which was really hard to do since we were basically stranded together in the middle of nowhere! So I spent a lot of my downtime hiding in my bunk, reading old research papers that I found in the station’s library.” 

“You read research papers for fun?” Taehyung looks horrified. 

Downing another shot of soju, you lean towards Seokjin, licking the peach-flavored drops from your lips. “Come on. You’re telling me you went an entire year without hooking up with anyone? Not even a little making out?” 

“Nope.” Seokjin pops the ‘p.’ At your incredulous look, he laughs, lifting his shoulders. “What? A year’s not that long! I made it just fine.” 

“Yeah,” Taehyung agrees, “it’s not that long. Besides, he was probably jerking off nonstop.” 

Soju flies out of Seokjin’s nose as you and Taehyung burst into raucous laughter. Seokjin scolds his brother, who argues back as he always does, telling the elder to loosen up, while you sit quietly, chin in hand, smiling to yourself as you watch the fireworks, realizing how nice it is to have Seokjin home again. 

He and Taehyung are pretty much a package deal. You’d met Taehyung first during your senior year of college. At the time, Seokjin was finishing up his graduate program at the same school, and his plans to move out of his and Taehyung’s apartment upon graduation and roll right into some field work had Taehyung feeling like he was being left high and dry. You’d ended up becoming Taehyung’s new roommate that summer, and then it had turned out that Taehyung’s worries were all for naught, because Seokjin still spent most of his free time hanging out at his (now your) place, anyway. 

You didn’t mind then and you don’t mind now. Seokjin’s a good balance to all of Taehyung’s extremes. Where Taehyung has his head in the clouds, Seokjin’s feet are firmly planted in the ground. Taehyung can be mercurial, even flaky sometimes, but Seokjin’s rock-steady.  They’re not complete opposites in everything, though. Just like his brother, Seokjin has a big heart. 

Once Seokjin runs out of steam, Taehyung shrugs. “I’m just saying, being with someone isn’t the only way to be satisfied. Just look at me. I’m single and I’m happy.” 

He looks almost smug as he states this, and something inside you snaps. The last thing you want to hear from Taehyung is another speech about loving yourself. You’ve heard plenty of those over the last few weeks. You do love yourself. 

You just wanted someone else to love you, too.

Pointing your chopsticks at him, you frown. “Oh, please don’t start! One, you were just dating a guy last month, so it’s not like you’ve gone an entire year without being with someone, and two, you literally just dragged me onto a freaking dodgeball team so you could start dating another! So I don’t want to hear any platitudes about embracing your singleness or anything like that.” 

Taehyung is silent for a moment after your outburst. “Sorry,” he finally says, poking at the remains of the kimchi on his plate. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Seokjin’s gaze bounces between the two of you. “I feel like I’m missing something.” 

Taehyung sees you nibbling on your bottom lip and he turns to his brother. “I can explain. Buttercup here-”

“Buttercup can speak for herself,” you interject, “and don’t call me that.” With a sigh, you slug back another shot of soju and look at Seokjin. He’s waiting patiently to hear what you have to say. “I was… kinda seeing someone a few months ago. And I thought that I had something with them, and it turned out that I was wrong. They didn’t feel the same way I did, so…” You trail off, not sure how to say ‘so I spent the last few months crying in my room over a broken heart.’

Luckily, Seokjin spares you this confession, nodding sympathetically. “I gotcha,” he says simply, and you nod back, stuffing some rice into your mouth so you don’t cry at the warmth in his expression. 

“I don’t know why you’re being so cryptic about who it was,” Taehyung frowns. “She’s talking about Yoongi.”

Something passes over Seokjin’s face quickly, so fast you almost miss it as you smack your roommate on his arm. He yelps in shock.

“What? He was going to find out eventually, they’re best friends!” 

You know this, but it doesn’t make you feel any better. Seokjin is actually the one who introduced the two of you, at the party he threw before he left for his research trip. You remember that night very clearly, can close your eyes and picture Yoongi standing there, with silver hair and silver hoops in his ears, dark cat eyes shimmering as Seokjin gave him your name, and you feel that same swoop in your stomach as you did then. Only now it comes with a painful twist of your heart as well. 

Falling for Yoongi happened so quickly. You’d immediately bonded over a shared love of hip-hop and whisky, spending the party huddled together on the couch, snarking over Seokjin’s music collection and liquor selection, talking until the sun came up and Seokjin started throwing everyone out. As you left, you’d asked Seokjin for Yoongi’s number. But before you even entered it into your phone, a text appeared from Yoongi himself. He confessed he’d asked Seokjin for your number as well.

“I haven’t talked to Yoongi-yah in a while.” Seokjin glances at you. “You know how hard it was for me to keep in touch. There’s no cell phone reception in the middle of the ocean, and the internet seemed to come and go at will. At least I heard from you two occasionally, but I didn’t hear from Yoongs except on my birthday, and we didn’t… you didn’t come up.” He looks apologetic as he says those last words, and your heart pangs again.

“It’s okay, why would I have?” you snort. “Like I said, it turned out to be a big bunch of nothing between us.” Despite what you thought. What you felt.

A server appears at the table to drop off the bill, and you welcome the interruption, wanting to go home and crawl into the safety of your bed again, feeling like it was a mistake to leave in the first place. Taehyung and Seokjin fight over who is going to pay, with Taehyung winning, practically throwing his card at the server, but you’re too distracted by your thoughts to enjoy the scene. 

Texting with Yoongi had turned into late night conversations. Going to concerts and bars to check out new musicians, doing whisky tastings and visiting distilleries. It felt like you were glued at the hip for a few months, and the more you got to know him, the harder you fell. Like the way you fell into his bed, over and over.

But nothing sticks out in your memory more than that last night, the last time you saw him, when you finally found the courage to tell him how you felt. You’ll never forget the sad look on his face. It told you everything you needed to know before he even spoke.

“Buttercup?” Taehyung’s voice pulls you from your reverie. “You ready to go?” He and Seokjin are staring at you, both on their feet already, waiting to leave. 

With a nod, you rise, and follow them out into the night. 

Despite the name, the Seven Slamurai consists of nine players. (When you asked why, Jimin rolled his eyes and said he’d tried to argue with Hoseok over the moniker, but Hoseok was insistent that the name stay true to his favorite movie.) In addition to Hoseok, Jimin, Seokjin, Taehyung, and yourself, there are four others at your first practice session on Monday night at the rec center - Wooshik, Sunghwan, Seojoon, and Hyungsik. You exchange a few quick greetings with your new teammates before Hoseok gestures for you all to sit on the bleachers. 

“Welcome everyone to our first team practice!” Hoseok smiles, clapping, and you lightly clap along until you realize no one else is. “Before we do some warm-ups, I thought I’d take a minute to explain the rules of the game, for those of you who haven’t played before.” 

He launches into an overview of the sport. Most of it is familiar from your school days, but there are a few things that are new, like something about a rush, and a neutral zone, and a burden ball? You glance around to see if anyone else looks confused. Most of the new guys wear bored expressions. It’s safe to assume they’re experienced players. To your left, Taehyung is whispering something to Jimin, completely ignoring Hoseok’s spiel. 

At least Seokjin, on your right, seems slightly dazed by the long list of rules that Hoseok’s rattling off. Now that you think of it, you’ve never seen Seokjin in any athletic context. As far as you know, he doesn’t play any sports, just like you and Taehyung, and he’s not a gym rat. So you have no idea what to expect from him on the court. Maybe he’ll be just as awkward as you’re expecting to be. 

“Any questions?” Hoseok finishes up. There’s a moment of silence from the group, and then he claps his hands. “Okay! Then let’s warm up a little.”

You move from the bleachers to a mat on the floor and Hoseok leads everyone through a series of stretches. It’s been a long time since you’ve done any, so you’re not surprised when your toes remain fully out of your reach. Jimin, on the other hand, has folded himself in half, forehead practically touching the ground as he holds on to both feet. Turning to Seokjin to make a comment, you’re surprised to find him in a similar position.

He catches you looking. “Yoga,” he explains with a wink. 

“Damn. Maybe I should start,” you grunt, giving up. 

“The games are played with teams of five, which means we’ll have four alternates for each match,” Hoseok explains once everyone’s limbered up. “For today, I’d like us to run through a practice game, four on each side. I’m going to stay out and watch, to help me get a feel for who might be a starter and who might be an alt.” 

The group splits in half, with you, Taehyung, Seokjin, and Jimin on one side, and the rest on the other. Hoseok stands at one end of the line in the middle of the court, where six balls lie waiting. 

“Okay, ready, set!��� And with a sharp blast of the whistle hanging from his neck, Hoseok brings the game to a start. 

Immediately, Jimin and Taehyung run forward towards the center line, reaching for a ball each, while the other team mirrors their actions, rushing forward. But you? You freeze in the scramble, hands automatically coming up to shield your head. And as the first balls fly towards your side, you scream. 

And so does Seokjin.

“Shit!” you curse as one of the rubber balls bounces off your arm. That’s definitely going to leave a mark. 

“Fuck!” Seokjin yelps as he’s smacked in the shoulder by another ball. 

Tweet!

The action stops as Hoseok blows his whistle. His sunny smile is gone, replaced by an intense look, eyebrows furrowed, mouth turned down. It’s intimidating, especially since it’s aimed directly at you.

“That was… not bad,” he says slowly through gritted teeth, speaking as though the words hurt him. “But maybe this time, you two should try joining the opening rush? Remember, no one can throw a ball at you as long as you’re in the neutral zone, so you’ll have time to grab and get back out of the line of fire.” 

He glances from you to Seokjin, who nods as you grin in embarrasment. Great, you’ve already been identified as a weak player. You were hoping you could at least pretend to know what you were doing for a little while. Fly under the radar.

Taehyung wraps an arm around your waist. “Come on, ladybug, it’s not that scary. You just gotta jump in. Don’t think, just go.” 

You shake him off with a scoff. Easy for him to say. You saw the way he was running around the court a minute ago, taking to the chaos like a duck to water. Should’ve known he’d turn out to be a natural athlete on top of all his other annoyingly amazing traits. 

The game restarts, and this time you make an attempt to run towards the center line, but still hesitate, flashbacks of being pelted with balls running through your brain. Why did you agree to this? You always hated dodgeball in school! 

Seokjin, on the other hand, joins Jimin and Taehyung at the line, and scoops up a ball before dashing back to where you’re frozen. The balls start flying again, and once again you’re out before anyone else. After a few more minutes, Hoseok ends the play. 

“That was better!” he nods. “But let’s try it again, and this time maybe you can make it all the way forward, huh, YN?” His tone is encouraging, but his smile seems strained. 

As you shuffle back towards the end of the court, you nudge Jimin. “Is Hoseok okay? He looks a little stressed.” 

Jimin shoots you a lopsided smile. “He’s trying not to be as… intense… as he usually gets. We got kicked off our last team because he went a little overboard with his, uh, enthusiasm during the practice matches.” 

The whistle blows before you’re ready, and you decide to take Taehyung’s advice, so you bolt forward without thinking, snatch up a ball, and then back away, not wanting to turn your back to the men behind you. In doing so, you catch Wooshik’s eye, and he grins coldly, winding up. 

“Shit!” you yell, jumping out of the way in time. Taehyung dives in to catch it, sending Wooshik out of the game. But you’re not safe, as Seojoon takes aim next. Seokjin is next to you, trying to decide where to throw the ball in his hand, so you duck behind him, mimicking his movements. Eventually, he realizes he has a shadow.

“Are you using me as a human shield?” He bobs to the left. You follow.

“It’s not my fault you’re so broad!”

Seokjin honks a noisy mix of delighted laughter and insulted exclamation. Seojoon tires of waiting for you to emerge from behind Seokjin, so he pitches the ball forward, a low toss heading for Seokjin’s legs. Seokjin bends gracefully to catch the difficult throw, taking Seojoon out of the game, and as Seokjin doubles over, you snap the ball in your hands towards Hyungsik, hitting him directly in the side. Another ball rolls towards your feet, so you scoop it up and nail Sunghwan dead center of his chest.

And with that triple play, your side wins, with all four players still in.

There’s no whistle to end the game, as Hoseok’s mouth falls open, gawking wide-eyed at you. “She’s a sniper,” he whispers in an awed voice. Everyone turns to stare at you. 

“What?” you ask, looking around. “What did I do now?” 

According to Jimin, it’s tradition for the dodgeball teams to go out for drinks after practices and matches, so after hitting the locker room, the nine of you meet up at the Pied Piper, a quiet bar around the corner from the rec center. Thank god Taehyung convinced you to bring a change of clothes. You’d foolishly assumed you wouldn’t break a sweat, but you sure as fuck had.

Since the rec center isn’t that big, the practice schedules are staggered out, with only two other teams meeting on Wednesday nights - the Dodging Divas and Rock the Balls. By the time your team arrives at the bar, the others have already claimed most of the tables. As Taehyung and the others push the remaining tables together, Hoseok, Seokjin, and you sidle up to the bar to start ordering drinks. 

Once the bartender drifts away to start pulling drafts, Hoseok turns to you with a bright smile. “Congrats, the two of you are definitely going to be starters.” 

To say you’re surprised would be an understatement. 

“Me? Really?” you squeak, glancing at Seokjin, who also appears dumbfounded. “Why?” 

Hoseok leans against the bartop. “Look, I’ve been playing this game for long enough to know a strong arm when I see it,” he declares solemnly, tapping your bicep with two fingers. “I think with my help, you could be one of the best snipers out there. As for you,” he nods at Seokjin, “I think your flexibility is going to come in handy, like it does for Jimin. Also, I saw the way you two were working together on the court. If we can hone your skills, you’ll be an unstoppable duo for sure.” He grins. “The rest of the league won’t know what hit them, when the Seven Slamurai come through.” 

The bartender returns with the first three beers of your order, and Hoseok carries them away with another nod, leaving you and Seokjin staring at each other in silence. 

Then you both burst into laughter. 

“Is he for real?” Seokjin asks, eyebrows raised. The bartender sets more glasses in front of you, and he grabs one, taking a long sip. 

“I think so. I got the idea from Jimin that dodgeball means a lot to him, but wow. What he said is absolutely ridiculous, and yet… I do feel oddly inspired.”

“I know what you mean.” Seokjin grins. “Should we correct him, though?”

“About what?”

“Us working as a team. We weren’t working together so much as you were hiding behind me.” 

His grin turns teasing, and a retort builds itself on your tongue. But before you can fire it off, a figure at the other end of the bar catches your eye. One of the Rock the Balls gods. Namjoon, maybe? He nods at you, dimple popping as his lips curl into a slight smirk. You blink, then raise one of the glasses of beer in his direction.

Seokjin follows your gaze. “Friend of yours?” 

“Not really. One of the other teams’ leaders. We met at the sign up.” 

Seokjin hums, giving Namjoon a second look. He taps the bartop while you help yourself to one of the pints. “Hey, so what you were talking about at dinner the other night… about Yoongi? I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

You should’ve known the subject would come back up. With a little shrug, you attempt a grin, but only succeed in a grimace. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“I know. But I’ve also been where you are, having feelings for someone that go unreciprocated, so… I’m sorry. I know it hurts.” He pauses, gaze locked on the glass in his hand. “For what it’s worth, I think he’s a total idiot.” 

“I’m not going to argue there,” you quip, letting out an airy laugh. "But I'm the one who imagined the whole thing, so really, I'm not any smarter."

He looks at you then, a sober expression on his face. “I mean it. He’s the idiot. Not you. So just - just don’t let his stupidity have any bearing on how you might think about yourself, okay?”

You blink, wondering if you’ve suddenly gone completely transparent, because he’s seeing right through you. How are you not supposed to take Yoongi’s rejection as proof that you’re unlovable? If you were lovable, then wouldn’t he love you?

“I… okay.” Nodding, you reach for the glasses that have been sitting in front of you for a few minutes. “Um. We should probably get these to the rest of the team before they get antsy.” 

Taehyung pats the seat next to him when you return to the group, and Seokjin takes the empty seat on your other side. “Hoseok just told us the good news,” he informs you, happily grabbing one of the beers in your hand. 

“What, that Jinnie and I are gonna be starters?” 

“That we are gonna be starters! You, me, hyung, Jimin-ah, and Hoseok-ssi.” Taehyung beams brightly as Jimin leans across him at the mention of his name. “He said we’ll work on our teamwork next practice, so we’re ready for our first match next weekend!”  

“Oh! Well, damn, look at us go!” You lift your glass and everyone else does the same. “Cheers!” 

“To teamwork!” Seokjin adds, eyes crinkling as he clinks his glass against yours. You grin back before taking a big sip. Maybe you’ll survive this season after all.

You’re not going to survive this season. 

“Come on! Faster!”

A shrill whistle blast sounds as you hit the wall, spinning around before running back towards the center line. It’s Thursday night, so you’re at practice again. Your team has been running drills for only ten minutes now, but you’re pretty sure you’re going to die, panting terribly as your toe hits the crosses the line.

“Pick it up!” Hoseok yells as you spin again, heading back for the end of the court. As your fingertips reach the wall, he blows the whistle again, and you flatten your palms, pressing your forehead against the cold cement. 

“I did not sign up for this,” Seokjin huffs next to you. “I signed up to dodge balls. This is not dodging balls!” 

“Are you two okay?” Taehyung is neither panting nor huffing as he eyes you both with concern.

“How are you not dying like us?! You don’t work out!” Yelling takes up too much of your oxygen, and you sink to the ground, legs folding underneath you. 

Taehyung shrugs. “It was only a few running drills. Nothing to get worked up over.” 

Unable to respond, you settle for giving him the evil eye. You jump as Hoseok’s whistle sounds again.

“If he doesn’t stop it with that thing, I’m gonna make him eat it,” you mutter under your breath. Seokjin’s shoulders shake with silent laughter as he reaches out a hand to pull you to your feet. 

Hoseok’s inner drill instructor doesn’t take a break when the practice game starts, alternates on one side, starters on the other. Somehow, he manages to run, catch, throw, and yell instructions the entire time, like a demented multihyphenate. It would be impressive if it weren’t irritating. 

You play a total of three rounds against the alternates. The first round is awkward, filled mostly with Hoseok’s manic shouting. At one point, he tells you to cover the right and Taehyung to flank the left, and as the two of you run to switch sides, you run smack into each other. The alternates win.

In the second round, things go better. There are no collisions, but there’s also not much cohesion, either. You try to repeat last practice’s winning move, ducking behind Seokjin, but he’s too unpredictable, jumping all over the place to try to catch throws, and you’re not able to keep from getting hit. Your team loses again.

When the whistle signals the end of the round, you head for the bleachers, where you’ve stashed a bottle of water and a towel, having realized last practice that both items were desperately needed. The rest of your team follows. 

“Well, this isn’t working,” Hoseok sighs, fanning himself with his shirt. “They’re kicking our asses.”

“Maybe - and just hear me out - yelling isn’t the way to motivate us?” Jimin suggests, tossing his sweat-soaked hair out of his face. You can practically see little hearts dancing in Taehyung’s eyes as he watches the motion.

Hoseok’s head twists towards his friend, but instead of swearing at him like you expect, he just stares. “I’m. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

Jimin claps him lightly on the shoulder. “Yep.” 

Hoseok stares for a few more seconds, and you’re on the verge of asking if he’s okay when he finally speaks. “Okay, new plan. Let’s just go out there and, ugh, have fun, okay?” His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes as he leads Jimin and Taehyung back out onto the court.

Seokjin leans over. “If we lose, ten bucks says he snaps and eats that whistle himself.” 

You laugh, gently pushing Seokjin back onto the court. 

“Hey. Should we try that shield thing again?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “I mean, I was trying last round, but you were kinda all over the place.” 

“I’ll try to be more obvious with my moves. Or I guess you can guide me? Just tell me which way to go.” 

You nod, and then you’re off, running for the center line as the round starts. Without Hoseok barking orders at the group, there’s a definite shift in the atmosphere. As you stoop to sweep up a ball, quickly diving behind Seokjin’s tall frame, scoping out your next target, it hits you - not a ball, but a thought.

You’re having fun.

Grinning wildly, you hiss “Left!” Seokjin immediately darts left, and you line up behind him, ready and waiting. A throw from the other team goes high, and Seokjin leaps towards it, snagging the ball out of the air. As soon as you peek out from around his side, you hit Wooshik, ball bouncing off his thigh with a satisfyingly loud “thock!”

“Yes!” Seokjin throws his hand out for a high five. You slap it quickly, ducking another toss. On your other side, Hoseok and Jimin make tandem catches, and the match ends with your team victorious.

“That was so much better! I really feel like we’re an actual team now,” Hoseok beams, looking genuinely happy again. “One more week of practice and then it’s match time!”

The others drift towards the locker rooms as Seokjin nudges you with his hip. “Did that work better for you this time?” 

“Yeah, it did. I guess that’s how it should always work, huh - me giving you orders and you following them blindly?” You wrap your towel around your neck, flashing him a cheeky grin.

Seokjin laughs, running his hand through his fluffy hair, which has gotten curly in the humidity from the game. Rather than spout off a snarky retort, he tugs on the ends of your towel, pulling you towards him. His deep brown eyes trail over your face, landing on your mouth, before his gaze snaps back to yours.

“That works for me,” he murmurs, soft smile playing on his plush lips. “Just say the word and I’ll follow.” 

And then he walks away. 

You stare at the locker room doorway that he disappears into for a good minute after he’s gone, mind racing. That’s not the first time the two of you have been that close - both Seokjin and his brother are very cuddly people, and you’ve always been comfortable with showing them affection in the form of warm hugs or snuggles on the couch.  

But whatever just happened was not that. The moment between you felt charged. Full of something like… possibility. 

With a sigh, you shake off the confusing thoughts and gather your things to head for the locker room, desperately needing a shower. And a drink.

© 2022-23 by sunshinerainbowsbts/minisugakoobies. Crossposted to AO3. Please do not copy or repost.

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[fayythe]

Divine Love: Prologue

Henry Cavill X OFC Summary: Rhylan Daines property of the United States Government, the training she took on, the beating, and pain was all manipulating her to loose her body autonomy, they tell her to eat a certain way, talk, walk, act. Nothing is hers, how can she escape the torture her life has become? Now an semi-active black ops Navy Seal working for the CIA struggled to make peace with her past.  She was always told that every life she took, every person she tortured, and every soul she crushed was for the greater good, but how is more violence supposed to help the world?  How can acting help her stop being forced to kill?  How can finding love help her find herself? Only time will tell...

Trigger warnings: Slight Alcoholism, Assault, Kidnapping, Blood, Skin Branding, Heavy Depression, Drugs, Undiagnosed eating disorder, Forced Eugenics, Talk of Genocide, talk of war, talk of gore, Hospitalizations for medical reasons, Mental Health issues, Hitman/murder unrecognized by law, Profanity, Military Brutality, torture, terrorism, violence, scars, seizures.

Rhylan's Tattoos

Rhylan's Body Scars Diagram

“Trust is like blood pressure. It’s silent, vital to good health, and if abused it can be deadly.” —Frank Sonnenberg

Prologue

  I watched the snowfall on the iced sidewalk; the sky was so dark only a few stars peaked so far away. I sighed, blowing out the smoke from the cigarette I inhaled. The nicotine filled my lungs with a slight burn, then the smell engulfed me as it slowly disbursed through the air as I exhaled. I rarely smoke, only when I’m stressed and today is one of those days.

My arms were visible, my coat tied tight around my waste protecting me from the wet wood bench. I didn’t know what I was doing here, in front of this little diner in the small city of Saint Heller Jersey, I should be back at the safe house trying to find another way to complete my mission.

Part of me knew that I should, but another part of me didn’t want to move. I was constantly moving, always traveling, always finding a lead no matter where it takes me. I just want to sit down, even if it’s for a few minutes.

I flicked my cigarette, “You know those are terrible for you” I looked over from hearing a rough raspy British accent and saw a tall guy with curly brown hair bundled up in a winter coat, boots, and a green rugby hat. I rolled my eyes, I don’t do very well with the people from the countries I’m stationed at, it’s not like I’m trying to be mean, I just don’t want to say too much and ruin my cover.

The cigarette still burning between my pointer finger and middle finger was halfway finished, in looking at the man once more before throwing the smoking white filtered stick to the ground and crushing it with my foot. I made sure to pick it back up and tuck it into my jean pocket. I’m probably going to accidentally wash the cigarette bud with my jeans, I thought.

The man smiled, “See that wasn’t that hard” I chuckled, his smile was nice, endearing, but also curious in a way. Since I didn’t say anything he spoke again, “What are you doing out here so late at night, especially without a jacket on?” He questioned, I thought about giving the honest answer and thinking whatever, never going to see this guy, again right? “I spend a few months in Russia off and on, this is nothing to me” I wasn’t lying, not exactly, of course, there are more details but there’s only so much I can tell him. He started walking towards me and gestured to the open seat of the bench next to me, I nodded. “American? What are you doing here, not many Americans I know who would vacation in Saint Heller?” His tone sounded curious, but you could also hear the slight rattle of his teeth as he shivered from the cold. 

I chuckled, this poor guy sitting out in the cold to speak to me on the frozen bench. “I’m on business, and you’re right this isn’t my first option for vacation.” My eyes wandered to my hands as I twisted my thumb. “Then what would be your first option for vacation?” I looked at him confused his piercing blue eyes almost carved into my soul, “You don’t even know my name and you’re trying to get to know me?” I asked as my southern draw poked through my words.

I had no problem with him trying to talk to me, I’m a better person to speak to at night anyway: it seems as if I’m more of a night person than a morning person. Trust me after being woken up at four in the morning every day for nearly three years, you’d learn to hate the morning—his voice interrupted my thoughts swirling, “Oh right! Name, I’m Henry, and you are?” Henry held out his right hand for me to shake, Fuck it, “I’m Rhylan”

“Well, Rhylan, what do you say we go somewhere to warm up, there’s a good diner down the road.” I looked at the blue-eyed man sitting next to me. I smiled, “Will you let me frisk you first?” I joked.

Nobody I knew liked that joked, yet he smiled. Maybe he is different.

--

The diner was small, quaint but cute. It was quiet in the booth we sat at in the back of the diner, that I got to get to know him more.

I smiled as I watched him slowly walk to the booth with two cups of hot liquid in his hands, one with a large whip cream swirl on top. I smiled at his cute hitchhiker walk trying his best to not let the cups spill, “One large hot chocolate for the pretty lady” He spoke in a more elaborated British accent while setting the hot glass in front of me and then setting his coffee across then sitting down.

“You should’ve let me pay, I feel bad now” I stared at the large hot chocolate, debating on whether to drink it. It just looks so pretty, with the whip cream and cinnamon, I caved once the whipped cream started melting into the dark chocolate, “Don’t worry about it, also do you even have any British pounds?” He questions.

To be completely honest, I didn’t even really think about the negative consequences to answer this question, I just felt so open around Henry like I’ve known him all my life. “Only about ten thousand” my face was still in the mug of hot chocolate as I said it, to cover what I said and make it seem like I joke I smiled, when I put down my mug he was smiling as well.

“Well pretty lady, did you rob a bank?” He asked, I saw the slight rise in his eyebrow as a curious gleam spread across his face—yet I could still see that charming slight smile. I decide to just go with it again, “No I infiltrated a drug terrorist rink down at some abandon docks” I laughed again, maybe if I place the truth in plain sight it will make me feel less guilt about lying to him. This time it didn’t play through as I wanted, “I’m joking, I swear” I covered nervously, thank gosh he changed the subject.

“So where are you actually from” He took another large sip of his hot coffee, I still don’t understand how he can drink this so late at night and still be able to sleep. “What do you mean?” He smiled, “You’re American, yes, but from what state?” “Texas” I didn’t even think about the consequences of telling him where I am from, my captain would be so angry with me. “That makes since, the funny accent really stands out” “My funny accent you should hear yours” I said in shock, “Would you like some tea or a crumpet?” I tried my best to imitate his accent and we both burst out laughing, “Oh really--- you want a beer with your fried chicken” We laugh harder, “Hey don’t judge you’ll never understand the love of fried chicken.” I spoke as we both started to catch our breath.

He shakes his head, a smile spread across his lips, “I’ll never understand the need for America to fry everything” “Because it tastes better” I shrugged.

It wasn’t very long after when we both left the café together; it was late nearly two in the morning. But we continued to talk and walk through the snowy park.

“Alright! Bad habits?” He questions.

I cringe, “Only one?”

Henry stops in his tracks and looks at me, “How many do you have?” I sighed and smiled “Too many,” we started to walk again. “Cigarettes, uhm- you saw that. I don’t smoke often, once, or twice a year. It’s complicated.” I continued, “All types of junk food, straight vodka—not the shit stuff that tastes like acetone, but like the good shit.” I paused, damn I have a lot of bad habits I thought, “I can’t think of anymore.” I shrugged, we continued to walk again the snow picking back up this time I put on my jacket, not that it does much.

Henry laughs, “I admire you can eat junk food and stay in shape.” I shook my head, “I don’t, heredity obesity actually runs in my family I just end up working out two to three times a day, it’s my go-to when I’m stressed, and so is alcohol, but working out is my first option.”  I explained, checking the blocky waterproof watch on my wrist at two-forty-five a.m. “Jeez, I thought my job is stressing.” I continued without even thinking about what he said, “What do you do—wait, how do you know it’s my job that’s stressing me, I could be a single mom with five kids.” I chuckled, I’m not, but how could he know that. “You’re not, you look about nineteen,” Henry put his gloved hands in his coat pockets and looked down at me on the side of him. “Quadruplets?” I questioned, seeing if he would believe it, he just shook his head and smiled, “Fine you’re right.” I frowned, “But hey! You didn’t answer my question, what do you do?”

This is the time Henry lit up, it seemed like he enjoyed talking about this topic. “Aspiring Actor” He smiled wide. “Really?” My words were longed in a shocked tone, “In anything good yet? I question, my eyes wondering to his brown hair, snow in the soft curls. He shrugged, “I’m getting there I hope…” He smiled at me, I looked at my watch to avoid the melting feeling his eyes give me. Nearly a quarter past three in the morning, I need to get back to my post.

I paused walking, and smiled at him as he turned to face me, “It’s getting late, we both need some sleep” “Fine---when can I see you again?” I shook my head my eyes following to my hands as my fingers tangled into themselves.

“One day, if fate is working on our sides” I smiled. Henry looked a little disappointed, but he didn’t push on it any farther.

“Well, it was great talking to you, Rhylan” He smiled, I could still see the disappointment in his eyes though.

I smiled and nodded, “Thank you for the hot chocolate”

“Don’t worry about it”

I checked my watch again and then looked back at Henry. “Now listen to me carefully, I wasn’t here, you don’t know my name or any information I’ve told you. You’ll tell nobody of me, it’s up to your safety.” I spoke with no emotion in my voice, I couldn’t show him that I felt anything for him, I just met this man.

“Rhylan—what are you talking about?”

I took Henrys hands into mine, “Just trust me”

“Close your eyes” I spoke my voice softer.

Just like that I was gone, that was the last time I saw Henry.

Little did I know fate was working with us.

Looking back at that day, I didn’t know much about love, life and hope. I didn’t know meeting Henry my change my entire life, with one mission, one moment, and one spark of life in my hardship. Then the thought of finding love was absurd to me. The thought of sticking together with one person for life never even crossed my mind.

But it was the moment I wouldn’t change ever again. Other than the savior of America, Henry was my purpose in life other than to become the drunk I was headed onto.

Instead I had something to look forward to, something to think about when I was down, or my many hospital visits, when I was on leave, I could only let my mind ponder about what could’ve been, what could’ve been made. I once thought, love, life, and happiness wasn’t in store for me. Little did I know.

[nik-jr-lit]

top 3 favorite books i read in 2023!

3. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

timid, shy, insecure protagonist who does NOT try to get between her crush and the girl he's going for, has a wonderful relationship with her older brother, and ultimately just wants to be loved and accepted by those around her.

her return to her parents' home is realistically heartbreaking. it isn't that anyone is mean to Fanny - they ignore her.

the entire play fiasco is so juicy and fun to read!!

we get to witness the romantic interest go through his own fall and redemption arc & we as the audience have to sit back and just watch him grow and find himself rather than be alongside him, which is simultaneously frustrating yet a unique experience :)

i honestly thought that henry could have his own redemption arc & was surprised when he instead fell again...this time harder than before...the drama.......

2. Villette by Charlotte Brontë

sad, lonely, traumatized protagonist who is also such a badass. she will not tell us what tragedies she has had to face....so mysterious... i love her

she literally moves to a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language & doesn't have credentials to teach and she just....learns the language and becomes a teacher. she gains respect from the students and staff even if she is still a bit of an outcast

the nun subplot.....so fun and supernatural and the truth of who the nun is was just so damn funny

the graham reveal!!!

the way lucy is treated when she experiences depression, loneliness, and anxiety is so necessary and realistic for her character & all that she's gone through. the way others react to her sucks but is true to the time; it allows us to see how mental health (especially that of women) was treated. no, happiness is not a potato, graham!

the banter & dialogue is so funny and realistic - i love the black cat x delusional vain sunshine dynamic of lucy and ginerva. also the reading shakespeare scene, the 'call me your friend' scene, the whole getting shut up in the attic for hours to practice acting scene, the drug trip, the time she refused to give paul his gift in order to piss him off, and the showdown between lucy and madame beck are such memorable moments that make me laugh out loud or gasp or smile :)

i sobbed at the end. literally sobbed.

1. Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier

yet another protagonist who is insecure, paranoid, wants so badly to be loved and preferred and noticed, and has a massive inferiority complex.

identity, names, influence, public perception, and reputation are unbelievably important. maxim vs. max, who the "real" or "true" mrs. de winter is, the fact that everything in the house (from meals to portraits to how a desk is arranged) has rebecca's touch all over it, down to the fact that we don't even know the protagonist's first name!

omfg the mystery and suspense and drama and tension is unbelievable. every time she turns a corner, every time she answers the phone, every time she goes outside or visits a family member or talks to a servant or her sister-in-law or even brushes her hair there is so much tension and anxiety and self-consciousness

du maurier's writing is immaculate; i could read her describe paint drying and it would be beautiful

the evening of the costume party is so fucking amazing. the initial rejection and drama is so so good, but i love the rest of the evening even more i think. the way her soul seems to truly die while she keeps a smile on her face and greets her guests, so anxious to be as good of a host as rebecca.....i've never read anything like it. and the morning after...she's so sure that everything is over with maxim & there is no hope and i can feel her despair...

the confession...so incredible. i didn't see it coming and i had no idea what the narrator was going to do, how she'd react. "time and tide wait for no man"...

once the boat is found and there are people suspecting there may be foul play and rebecca's cousin is there and mrs. danvers is suspicious and the narrator faints and they're calling the doctor that rebecca went to - the tension and suspense was so good.

this book got me thinking about perception for days. we are told details that allegedly describe the same story, but many aspects don't line up & we are never given the full, perfect truth. what was rebecca really like? was she really as hedonistic and vain and self-serving as we're told? did maxim ever love her? did she ever love him? did she plan to run away with favell? did strangers think her lovely and wonderful simply because of her beauty or because she actually was a good person? even if she wasn't a good person, did she deserve what happened to her? was maxim justified in getting upset with her and/or putting up with her alleged behavior? who is rebbeca truly?

i'm obsessed.

[twilightmalachite]

Christmas Live - Star Chart 2

Author: Akira

Characters: Chiaki, Shinobu, Midori, Kanata

Translator: 310mc

JP Proofer: Mika Enstars

EN Proofer: ryuseipuka

"…I’m fed up with the idea of beating each other down."

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Park’s Live Stage

Chiaki: In any case… Sengoku, Takamine, could you two go and check on how 2wink’s doing for now?

For the live show, we’ll rotate between two people performing at a time, and then three later!

If 2wink are doing well enough to perform, then we’ll ask them to rotate between us.

The optimal scenario is making it look as though it’s a joint live between RYUSEITAI and 2wink.

Midori: I’m in favor of that, since I’d be able to take it easy by performing less, but… Are you sure it’s alright for us to split the achievements with another unit…?

Shinobu: Yuuta-kun might be against that…

It’ll look as though we’re inviting them out of pity, so he may reject it entirely… Or to be more specific, it appears he wants to make 2wink famous through the two’s strengths alone.

Chiaki: It’s true that it’d be help they never asked for… But they’re students from the same school as us; we may compete sometimes, but we can never allow ourselves to crush one another.

…I’m fed up with the idea of beating each other down.

2wink is a unit made up of first years only, right? They have no choice but to rely on other units’ help at the start.

That’s nothing to be ashamed of—Please let them know that.

Be sure to look out for Hinata-kun especially. Based on my own judgement… He’s bearing a much heavier, complicated burden than Yuuta-kun.

He’s only a first year, yet he’s acting as a unit leader, y’know? He must be going through abnormal hardships in order to protect his castle.

And yet… That kid’s always got a smile on his face. Unlike me, who was always crying when I had just become a leader.

I have to protect that smile. How could I call myself an ally of justice if I fail to do that?

Isn’t that right, you guys!? So go on now! Leave this place to Kanata and I for now, and head over to 2wink!

Chiaki: Go make a miracle happen! The kind you’d see on Christmas…☆

Midori: This guy really talks with energy alone and nothing else… I really don’t wanna do it, though… Being near anyone feeling down just makes me feel depressed along with them…

Shinobu: I-It will be alright! I shall also do my utmost best together with you, Midori-kun!

We must make haste while the opportunity allows! Now, let’s depart! Yuuta-kuuun, we’re on our way~!

Midori: Woah, woah—Don’t drag me with you~… Jeez, when did you get so aggressive too, Sengoku-kun…

And here I thought you and I were in this together, as people-shy companions… But instead you went ahead without me and made friends…

Shinobu: Huh— Um…? Was that not okay…!? “Friends” and “companions” are two different things… Or to be more precise, Midori-kun’s also a precious soul buddy of mine! ☆[1]

Midori: It’s fine, really… Friends are just troublesome to have anyway… Uu, why does this kinda feel like when a sibling brings home their lover…?

Chiaki: Mhm, go on now! I’m expecting lots from you, my comrades…☆

Kanata: are you sure it is okay, chiaki~? leaving it to the [children] alone…?

wouldn’t it be [faster] if you were to go there [yourself]…?

Chiaki: That may be so. But the ones who make up the next generation will always be the kids.

I can’t seem to stop myself from spoiling them a little too much… And if they end up getting into the habit of relying on their seniors every time there’s trouble, they won’t be able to sustain themselves on their own in the next school year.

Anyway, you’ll need to get fired up, Kanata. If you stay listless as usual, the audience will grow bored and leave, y’know?

It’d be awful there wasn’t a single audience member left by the time Nagumo and the others come back.

Let’s solidify our foundation and maintain things as they are now—All so that we give a present to our juniors: a stage where they can shine as bright as possible.

Kanata: yes, yes, i understand~ ‘senpais’ have it so rough, don’t you think~… i cannot move my [body] much when it is cold.

but i have to at least [pretend] to be a [good kid]… or [santa-san] will not come visit me.

i suppose i have no choice~… let me show you all my [serious] side~♪[2]

Chiaki: Yeah! If possible, show that serious side always! You’re far too capricious most of the time!

Well, it’s alright, though… It’s time! Let’s start the Eve’s Eve Live!

Kanata: okaaay~ everyone~ merry christmaaas~♪

(Chiaki CG here)

it has been a while since the last time we [sang] as just the two of us, hasn’t it~… chiaki~♪

Chiaki: Mhm! The passionate bloodstream of my younger self is flowing back into me! Let’s sing with everything we’ve got, Kanata! It’s time to wish upon a star! Merry Christmas…☆

[ ☆ ]

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Shinobu says “soulmate” (sourumeito) here when specifying the kind of companion (nakama) Midori is. In Japanese, Soulmate is literally soul (tamashii) + companion/comrade (nakama), used to refer to someone who walks down the same path of fate/goals as you, or to someone you have deep connections with from a previous life. As an interesting note, RYUSEITAI sings lyrics similar to this concept in one of their songs, Bokura no Stella (set 1 year and a half after this story.)

He’s referencing a classic Kaoru line, seen in Melody in the Dark.

[drowninginthoughts27]

2/9 Piercing Word Count: 725

(mcd, somewhat canon compliant, very brief mentions of child abuse) @jegulus-microfic

A blood curtailing scream pierces through the silence of the night.

Then the choked out sobs start.

“Regulus! Get out here!” Sirius cry’s, struggling to catch his breath.

Regulus springs upright in response. Bolting from his room into the center of the apartment. There Sirius sits at the dining room table, head in his hands. His body shaking with the force of his own sobs.

“Hey, hey, what happened?” Regulus asks. He’s now crouched down next to Sirius at the table in an attempt to get Sirius to look at him.

“Sirius, look at me! What’s wrong?” Regulus says, a worried look setting across his face. “Do I need to leave? Is me hiding here putting you in any more danger?”

Since the start of the war their worlds have been falling down around them. But Sirius usually doesn’t have much of a visible reaction to it all. Neither does Regulus. Both of them are so used to shutting down their emotions starting at an early age. There was no other way to survive that prison of a house. But especially since Regulus had faked his own death and ran to Sirius they had been rather closed off around one another.

Finally Sirius looks up. Blinking through his tears. Eyeliner running down his face leaving black streaks, fear deep in his gray-blue eyes. The same fear that now most likely reflects back in Regulus’.

“They’re dead!” Sirius cry’s out between shaky breaths.

“Shh, shh, whose de-“ just then Regulus sees what Sirius is holding. A now crumpled piece of parchment. The ink bleeding over the page from Sirius’ tears.

2 simple 5 word sentences. Both with enough power to pierce through Regulus’ soul.

James and Lily are dead. Harry’s the boy who lived. It says in a rushed script. The reality of the situation pierced through him. No further explanations or instructions. But nothing else put on that page could have stopped the ringing Regulus now hears in his own ears. The world spinning around him, vision going in and out- blurring at the edges. Stars filling his field of view.

Memories flood through him of him and James’ short time together.

How he used to hate James under the false pretenses that has stolen Sirius’ attention and affection from him.

How in his 4th year hating James became harder and harder to do. He fought against his growing crush by throwing harsher and harsher comments James’ way. And how apparently that just made James want to be around him and annoy him more and more.

How, one day in Regulus’ 5th year James had followed Regulus up to the astronomy tower with the stupid ‘Marauders Map’ in hand. And James had professed his mutual affection to Regulus. And how there they had had their first kiss under the stars.

How, almost 1 month later Regulus had first said ‘I Love You’ and James had responded with an equally meaningful ‘I Love You’. Holding each other in their arms.

How sitting side by side in the room of requirements they had planned out their entire lives together. Picket fence and all for after the war was over.

And how Regulus had come back to school after winter holidays his 6th year covered in injuryies of varying severity. Which had prompted James to beg Regulus to escape. To come live with him and Sirius. To which Regulus responded by pulling up his left sleeve. Revealing a black slithering tattoo that altered both of their lives forever.

James had since turned his back on Regulus. Leaving him behind, never speaking to one another again. Causing James to find a joy filled life with his childhood crush Lily.

Somewhere in the chaos of his own mind he thinks he hears the door swing open. Feels his own legs give way beneath him. Yelling starts, hexes flying around the apartment, the loud noises of things falling and breaking. Maybe even more wrenching sobs of Sirius’ begging. But Regulus can’t be bothered to care. Because James is dead. His James is dead. And he died thinking Regulus was dead as well. Most likely he died still thinking Regulus was a cruel and evil death eater as well. And there was nothing Regulus could do about it. Nothing he could do to stop the piercing pain of his reality.

[sharkpupsblog]

😨 Lost Horse! 🐎 PART 4. Goldenhills.

A Sabine x GN! Reader fanfic!

Hi!!! Another silly part omg!!! This is the last part without Sabine 😳 she will show up in the next part! So so sorry for making y’all wait 4 parts for her 😭💔 I promise the fluff I’m gonna write will make up for it!!! As always i wrote. A lot. I edited and added more stuff in so this part is LONG . 😭 Anyways ty guys for ur patience and enjoy! :D

Summary: The Soul Riders take you and Khaan to Goldenhills.

Warnings: foul language.

Alex frowned, and she watched you as you rode sadly behind the group with Anne next to you. “They’re very quiet” she whispered to Linda who nodded in agreement. “They must be upset” Linda frowned too “Avalon said they had Khaan for a while, so they have already built a bond with him.” Linda got even more upset at the thought of having to give up Meteor. She could not imagine how much you were hurting. “Should we talk to them?” Linda asked, and Alex answered with “I don’t think we should.”

Alex saw the look you gave Anne when she introduced herself. It was clear you did not like her or anyone in the group. “We should just give them some space I think they hate u-“ both girls snapped forward as you looked up. They both looked back at the road so quickly that Linda’s glasses almost fell off. You narrowed your eyes at them not liking being watched. Anne looked at you, and she started to try to initiate a conversation with you. “Have you been to Goldenhills before?” She was hoping you would answer, but you didn’t. She wasn’t disappointed she was honestly expecting you not to say anything. Even though you didn’t say anything Anne continued to try to be friends. She really wanted you to know that she was an ally and not an enemy.

“I’ve been here a few times for Soul Riding missions” she looked around at all the trees seeing the warm colors on the leaves. Before Anne came to get you, your dad filled you in on all the druid and Soul Rider stuff. He also told you about the Dark Riders, but you didn’t have much interest in either group. They both sounded incredibly stupid. He also told you that the plan was to get Khaan to a witch named Pi. There was a chance she could reverse the dark magic in Khaan… But the probability of it happening was extremely low. If it didn’t work, then Khaan would be given to druids that lived far in the mountains. You prayed the whole ride to Goldenhills that Khaan could be returned to normal. You really didn’t want to say goodbye, and neither did he. You let out a groan as you heard Anne continue to talk.

“It’s always closed in winter” Anne pat her horse when it neighed. “They say it’s to keep spirits in” she looked to you, and Khaan looked to her letting out an angry snort. He wanted to kick all of the Soul Riders, especially Anne, but he didn’t want to get you in more trouble. You opened your mouth, and Anne got excited at the thought of you finally responding to her. “I would like to ride quietly” your tone was bitchy “thanks.” As soon as you said that all of Anne’s hopes of being friends were crushed. She frowned giving you a nod not saying anything else. You all rode through Goldenhills forest for a few more minutes in uncomfortable silence.

When Pi’s swamp was visible in the distance Alex stopped the group, and she broke the silence. “Wait-“ she looked at Anne “are we going to Pi now or…” The girl smiled “or do you guys want to go get something to eat at the fishing village?” Linda smiled too letting out a sigh “I could definitely get something to eat, and Meteor needs water.” Meteor let out a neigh shaking his head to fix his mane. Lisa nodded “I’m hungry too and Starshine needs water as well” Starshine whinnied pawing at the ground moving fallen leaves around. “What do you say?” Lisa turned to you and Anne.

The leader smiled giving everyone a nod “let’s go to the fishing village and we can meet with Pi tomorrow.” You rode with Anne and the group to the fishing village. You said nothing as everyone talked about what food they would order. Khaan let out angry snorts and neighs every time one of the soul steeds got too close to him. You scowled when Alex turned to you asking, “what will you get?” She was trying to be friendly. You wanted to keep quiet, but you had a question. “Where is the inn?” You tensed hoping to show that all you wanted was a simple answer through your body language and nothing more.

Alex blinked a few times trying to think of where the inn was. “It’s to the le-“ you didn’t need her to finish her sentence she said enough to get you where you wanted to go. You thanked Alex, and you clicked your tongue. Khaan walked then sped up into a trot taking you to where Alex said the inn would be. All the Soul Riders watched as you rode away. Linda was unsure of letting you go alone “you don’t think they’ll run, do you?” She looked to her friends for their thoughts. Anne shook her head starting the ride to the café nearby “I don’t think they will.” She trusted you she knew you wouldn’t run, and her trust was not misplaced.

You yawned, and stretched as Khaan rode through the forest. It was early morning the sun hadn’t completely come up yet. The forest was dark and foggy, it was really hard to see. You and the Soul Riders were on your way to Pi. Anne made everyone get up early. She was like your dad. Waking you up early, and saying “the earlier we do it the sooner we’ll get it done” it made you hate her more. Khaan was still sleepy, and falling behind the group. Anne wasn’t riding next to you anymore. It was clear you didn’t want to be friends she respected that, so she left you alone.

She was riding at the very front of the group leading everyone to Pi. She held a strong flashlight in her hand using it to light the way through the foggy forest. You couldn’t see much though since Khaan was riding very far from the group. He was too far to get any light from Anne. He yawned, and you looked down at him patting his shoulder “let’s rest for a bit.” You knew he needed to wake up a bit more. Anne could wait for you both. The Friesian let out a whinny. He shook his whole body shaking you in the saddle. It made you laugh, he responded to the laugh with a neigh. Slowly he was starting to fully wake up. The journey from Valedale to Goldenhills completely tuckered him out.

You leaned down hugging his neck “poor horse” you cooed. You felt bad for him, he had to walk a lot. “It will be over soon Khaan” you brushed through his long mane carefully untangling any knots you found. “We’ll be back home soon we just have to get through this” you were being positive. You hoped your positivity would manifest a good ending for both you and Khaan. An ending where he could come home with you, and you would never have to see the Soul Riders again. Khaan closed his eyes taking a moment to relax thinking of how nice it would be to be home. He couldn’t wait to lay down in his stall, and have his mane braided.

The journey completely messed up his braid, so you had to undo it. He didn’t like his mane down, it was long, he felt like he was going to step on it. The Friesian let out a snort taking a step forward. You knew he was ready to catch up with the group. You sat up taking the reins into your hands, and you clicked your tongue. You rode straight following a trail you thought Anne had gone through. After about 5 minutes of riding you realized… You were lost. Khaan stopped walking, and he looked around. There was no sign of Anne or her friends. You couldn’t hear them or their horses. You were now starting to wish that Anne had ridden with you.

This felt like a lesson from Aideen. She was surely saying ‘this is what you get for being an asshole!’ While watching you ride through the dark foggy forest. You frowned, now what? You had your phone with you, but you didn’t have anyone’s number. “Okay…” You tried not to panic. “Let’s just continue riding through this trail” you decided to keep following the trail “it should eventually lead us out right?” Khaan neighed trying to calm you down. He could hear how fast your heartbeat had gotten. You sighed patting the side of his neck “come on Khaan let’s keep going” you clicked your tongue, and Khaan walked.

You felt like you had been on the trail for hours. It had only been about twenty minutes, but your fear made it feel like hours. Khaan was completely calm, but you were near tears. You had never been to Goldenhills, you didn’t know where you were or what to do. You tried checking the GPS on your phone, but it had no reception. While you tried not to cry Khaan trotted through the trail you found. You were still in the forest, and it was still dark. The sun was coming up, but the leaves and fog were blocking it out.

Your horse trotted carefully. He took big steps, so he could walk over any logs or roots he thought were on the ground. As he trotted, he kept his ears high trying to listen for Anne and her group. He hated them all, but right now he wished they would appear. He knew you were freaked out due to being alone in a place you didn’t know. You needed someone other than him to guide you through the forest. You huffed almost falling forwards off your saddle as Khaan came to a hard stop. “Khaan? Can you hear the-…” You trailed off as you heard the sounds of waves. They were crashing against the shore.

You must be close to the fishing village! You smiled leaning down to hug Khaan “we’re almost there Khaan!” Your horse neighed, lightly rearing in excitement. “Let’s keep going! We’ll be out of here soon!” Khaan continued trotting following the sound of the waves. The sun started to shine stronger as the trees started to spread out. You could see light at the end of an exit in the forest. “We did it!” Khaan neighed turning his trot into a gallop “we made it to- are you kidding me!?” When Khaan made it to the exit you saw that you weren’t out of the forest yet. You were still in a part of it. The part where the light ride took place every year. The fishing village was right in front of you, but you couldn’t reach it. Water separated both places it was a huge obstacle. Khaan wasn’t a big fan of water, so you definitely weren’t going to ask him to ride through it.

You reached for your phone seeing that you still had no reception. You huffed putting it back in your pocket. You looked for a different trail. Khaan looked at you letting out a neigh, and he bobbed his head. He wanted to rest he was tired, and he could tell you were too. You looked down at him knowing what he wanted “I think we can set up camp here” you got off of him. You carefully slid off your saddle not wanting to fall. Your legs felt like jelly thanks to how long you were riding. “We’ll wait till the sun is up, or till the fog clears, or until Anne finds us” whichever one came first you didn’t really care for, you just wanted out of the forest.

Maybe out of Goldenhills completely too. It was like a giant maze you hated it. You took your backpack off laying it down on the ground. Khaan watched as you opened it, and dug through it. You brought out a blanket laying it down on the ground. Once it was set, and you made sure it was safe to lay down you laid down on your stomach letting out a big sigh. Your body slowly relaxed as you tried to find a comfy spot on the blanket.

Khaan walked over to you, and he laid down too. He was careful not to damage his tack as he laid down. He let out a sigh copying you as he laid his head on your back. You reached back to give him a scratch on his cheek then you crossed your arms in front of you using them as a pillow. You closed your eyes clearing your mind completely. You fell asleep first, and when Khaan made sure you were both safe, he fell asleep too. Seconds after you both fell asleep two shadows loomed over you.

TY FOR READING! :D

[etherealvoidechoes]

Wandering Souls - Chapter 15 - Shifting Gears. Coming Winter

The wandering groups works on finishing tasks and packing up the camp to head to their new location before ADVENT catches wind of them once those pyres start.

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Chonker of a chapter. 13k

Heyo all! Been very busy and semi-burned out, but here's a new chapter for this fic. Also the title may change. And a little word of warning, I'll be doing up massive updating and rewrites to previous chapters to fix things and have stuff better in line with what I want for this fic and "my canon". Also once I get that done it'll finally be up on FF.net.

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Red, orange, and yellow — the colors of fall.

Leaves rustled as the cool winds swept through the trees, picking off a few that were dangling by a thread. The leaves floated along, twisting and turning until they touched the forest floor. A sea of warm colors blanketed the ground — speckled with a few brown leaves. Almost all the deciduous trees had turned to one of those lovely fall shades with a few green leaves remaining. 

Despite how ravaged the Earth was from the Old War, some wild animals that escaped the Elders’ initial cleansing campaigns still survived in the “untamed wilds”. Thriving, one could say. Despite ADVENT’s best attempts to thin or outright eradicate anything that would give those who refused the Elders’ gifts a chance to survive outside Their “golden cities” and vast swats of controlled territories.

Herds of deer were foraging. Birds that had yet to migrate were finally making their leave. The non-migratory birds were busy reinforcing their nests in preparation for the coming cold. Squirrels and chipmunks building up their food stores.

Though the Elders allow a few pods of those nuisance bugs, those Chryssalids, to run free (or burrow down) in the untamed countryside as a “pest control” against dissenters. They did a mostly reliable job catching many travelers by surprise and made many areas “no-go” zones for the rebels. But the Elders had to be smart. They had to use a modified version of Their refined terror creations. They could still rapidly reproduce, littering the landscape with digested bodies and festering cocoons, but the bug’s lifespans were greatly shortened. Whenever the bugs were not burrowed underground and semi-dormant conserving themselves, their metabolisms were in a near-constant frenzied overdrive as they skittered after prey. This caused most to burn out in a few days before the instinct to burrow would kick in.

It was a nearly “perfect” process in the Elders’ eyes. But sometimes they had to send a purge crew of Purifiers and basic Troopers to thin a horde if they slaughtered a fairly populated haven.

Yet the tweaks to the Chryssalids had some drawbacks that worked in favor of more competent and well-armed travelers and animals that could put up a fight. The near-constant frenzied state they were in could leave them lethargic after a series of rapid attacks on their prey. The dazed state was the perfect time to strike back.

Wild boars had become a common foe for the bugs and did a fair job gore any that went after them and crushing any cocoons made by any fallen boar. Those that survived the Chryssalid venom made the drove of boars stronger. And they wisely avoided the bug meat.

Most animals learned not to consume the meat due to it being extremely toxic and had no way to treat it like humans cold.

Perhaps the Earth’s ecosystem wasn’t entirely doomed. 

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It was just another day out in that camp in the wilderness for the wandering group. Another day to celebrate being alive, free from their captors. And yet another day to worry, to fear ADVENT would find them once again. They knew they couldn’t linger in the area for much longer. 

The report from former ADVENT Officer Piers, after her group scavenged some gear from an abandoned town, let them know their days at this encampment were numbered. The other scavenging and scouting groups gave similar reports of the still heavy ADVENT activity in the area. They needed to pack up and leave soon. Find somewhere else to call their temporary home. But first, they had some business to take care of. Unsavory business.

Disposal of the dead.

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“If you’re the squeamish type, get ta fuck away from here and work on gathern’ the wood and other burnables or helping ta other with moving to ta new location.” Marcus’ voice was full of venom as his vexed state had his Irish accent coming out stronger despite his best efforts to hold it back.

He wasn’t exactly trying to be rude, but he was still sour(and equally sore) from a few fistfights he got into with those that were still against what they were doing.

He and a few others were playing bodyguard for where the grim operations were taking place around the east side of the camp. Despite the ruckus that had happened when the process started before daybreak, the operation had been going smoothly.

With the help of ever-rotating doctors, and anyone who was skilled with a knife and had a strong stomach, skulls were being cut and cracked open to extract those brain chips as well as other valuable implants. A few were annoyed by the medical gear the doctors forced them to wear — gloves, masks, etc. — but it was better safe than sorry just in case if anyone had some sort of sickness that could transfer to them.

There were a few psions around. Those who had been keeping the dead in a constant stasis to keep the bodies from rotting. Kept the area, if not the entire camp, from being overtaken by a miasma of festering scents of death.

By midday, nearly half of the dead had been processed. Those that had their chips removed were being moved to another area to be stripped of any clothing and gear that was still usable before being wrapped in cloth before being moved to the ever-growing piles of wood and combustibles for that pyre.

Would it have been quicker to use someone like Flint or one of the Mutons’ brute strength to crush those skulls like a soft fruit to get to the chips? Yes, but they wanted to give the dead some decency before they would all burn on the pyres. It kept those who were still against it from causing another fight.

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“Dimitri, need more scalpels here.” Zhang called out to the man. He set aside the one he had finished using next to a blood-soaked pile of others. The blade was dull and slick with blood.

“Dah, a second. Still sculpting for the doctors.” Dimitri answered.

Zhang volunteered himself for the gruesome task. Really, he had seen worse before the Old War, during it, and after it. Some of it was caused by his own hands. 

His old life as a Triad was long gone. Settling turf wars, deals turning sour, or someone that crossed his bosses. The memories played in his mind, and a faint smile crossed his face. Some things he missed from those days. Simpler times. Heh. But there was some faint guilt; it was a life he chose when he had several chances to turn his life around but, rejected them.

He pressed his fingers against the section of that familiar white bone he had exposed. Eyes flashed with that mixed psionic energy. He felt a faint ping back from the chip. Just enough residual psionic energy in that thing to give him an approximate location of the thing. 

The tips of his fingers tapped against the bare bone. A series of short psionic pulses shot forth. Cracks appeared across the bone until chunks popped loose. 

“Hope these short bursts don’t cause me trouble later.” He mumbled to himself. He was still being cautious with his psionics, using them sparingly and in short bursts.

Picking up the dull scalpel once more, he and used it to remove the cracked sections to reveal that pink, gray matter underneath. And a faint shimmer of silver. With it exposed, he set the scalpel down and fetched a pair of pliers. He stabbed them right between that glimmer of silver before clamping the handles tight and pulled back.

The smile faded as he drew that rotten prize free from the brain that held it. Raising it to eye level, his nose wrinkled under the mask as those intrusive prongs that stubbornly clung to some brain matter. It looked to be one of the more complicated ones. 

“Can’t believe I had one of these in me for years.” He mumbled under his breath. Eyes drifted back down to the poor soul he pulled it from. They looked human, from what he could tell. “How important were you to have this design rammed in your skull?”

His eyes went back to the chip. He grimaced. Memories of his time undercover knocked against his skull, wanting to drown his mind with the unspeakable atrocities he committed. His fingers trembled as the chip slipped from the pliers and landed in his other hand. His fingers quickly wrapped around it.

“Don’t.” He whispered to himself. He wanted to break the thing. Crush it. Crush it like so many others had been doing as they extracted them. But he wouldn’t. There was still some value in them once dismantled. “Need all the elerium I can get right now. And Dimitri wants the other metals.”

Speaking of Dimitri, as he placed the chip and pliers to the side and called over someone to get the body, he looked for the man. His sight bounced from person to person until he found that salt and pepper hair. He was by a group of doctors. Dimitri was gathering the other spent scalpels and chip scraps to be repurposed by that strange alien arm of his.

Dimitri’s usage of the word “sculpting” was literal. That alien arm of his consumed metal(and other fluids) greedily and always seemed to be hungry for more metals, especially exotic ones. Parts of that strange bone metal bark-like skin would grow, splintering and splitting apart as well as take on the colors of the metals. 

After some time after it “processed” its meals, Dimitri could extract it, shaping it into anything he desired. It all explained why the man was always so giddy whenever a scouting group would come back with some goods. It was an interesting sight, seeing how it all worked.  

Taking the spent scalpels, Dimitri carefully found spots where the bark-like skin naturally splintered, before carefully stabbing the scalpels in one by one. A silvery-blue blood seeped out. A slight grimace and grunt followed each stab. A few seconds later, the bark shifted and twitched before dark tendril-like roots emerged and wrapped around the metal. More feelers came out of those roots and dug into the metal. A faint mist would arise before the roots drag the metal down into the arm inch by inch.

“Interesting thing. Quite useful for our circumstances. Waste not, want not.” Zhang commented to himself. They would never be short of needed knives and other blades as long as Dimitri was alive.

He held back a snort, hearing Dimitri chastise those growing impatient with the replacement knives and the diminishing quality. He didn’t blame him for his growing irritation; it was a one-man task.

“Do you want blades or no?” The man snapped his fingers several times in the offender’s face, making them scrunch up their neck as they jerked back. “I am working as fast as I can! My arm is working as fast as it can. Too fast, in fact!” He hissed, curling those alien fingers into a fist. 

The bark creaked and cracked, revealing more sections of the underlying “flesh” and more of the silvery-blue blood to flow down all the cracks. “Not enough time to digest and process metals, thus the quality falters! It is cranky. So do you want blades or no?”

The person sheepishly apologized and said they would wait.

“And you hooligans!” Dimitri made pointed jabs at some Mutons carrying some processed bodies over their shoulders. “Where is my metal from those crates and ruined weapons!? Better metal equals better blades for these impatient Гав–” He quickly bit his tongue before smacking his forehead with his human hand. “Calm down… calm down…” He said under his breath, through his teeth.

The Mutons looked at each other, saying something in that grunted language of theirs before looking back at him. “That’s Rappa you want.” One snorted, red gas escaping through the cracks of their mask. “Should be here soon with those Troopers.” 

Slight music to Dimitri’s ear, but the ever-cracking bark on that alien arm gave away his irritation. “He better be here soon.” 

With that, the Mutons continued on with their duty.

It felt like forever before some Hybrid troopers came over with handfuls of the freshly dismantled crates and weapons for Dimitri. The man could have broken out into a song seeing all the metal. He pointed to where they could put it — somewhat near Zhang — until he had a chance to get to it.

“And bring me a few corpses of one of those slain ADVENT the others haven’t touched!” He yelled to the group scampering off to get him some more metal or handle other affairs in the camp. “Ones with lots of blood!” 

Zhang raised his brow at the request. Why in the world was he asking for what would have been a meal for the “less human” of the group? “Haven’t noticed him eating that kind of meat.” He mumbled to himself, pulling on his goatee, technically, beard. Borderline cannibalism. Or not. Depended on one’s view.

A memory from a few days ago played in his mind. He wouldn’t forget stumbling into the stasis “pantry” and Vū and Karris mid bite, tearing into corpses of recently slain ADVENT soldiers that had been brought back to strip their gear. 

Even with his conversation with Helios to learn who ate like this, it was still jarring. With Vū, he could understand with how altered her DNA made her more reptilian than human. But Karris looked so human. He still remembered his first encounter with him while Helios was working on his back. While discussing the open spot in the cabin for him, he casually licked the blood that covered the lower half of his face.

“That was… interesting.” Which he felt was an understatement. “Mildly concerning, but Vū says the others that are less picky are well-behaved unless they’re in a ‘hunting’ mood.” He hoped those moods would be few and far between.

“Reminds me of that troublesome faction towards the Elders called the Reapers. ‘The enemy is food.’” He faintly recalled some information he saw while he was undercover. From the divisions his forces had to deal with near the city he was over. Those hooded hunters frequently hunted and ate the Alien forces. Yet, he faintly recalled rumors that said some would also eat any ADVENT soldier they killed as they were no longer ‘human.’ “Wonder if that faction is still kicking?”

And if they were, would they encounter them? Strike a mutual alliance? Zhang shook his head. Most likely not possible with how xenophobic the faction was, and he faintly recalled the smaller cells that were friendly with Hybrids and aliens alike were rare.

“Unless we encounter ones that were like the ones my old contact knew, best we steer clear of them.”

A rough grunt, followed by a small cacophony of metal hitting metal hitting the ground, caught his attention. He looked over to see Dimitri shakily plopping himself down next to that pile of metal. Muttering under his breath, one hand rubbed circles into his temples as sweat poured down his face, as the other tugged on the collar of his sweat-laden and bloodstained undershirt. Most of his mumbling was curses and telling himself to calm down.

“Dimi—”

The man raised his human hand while shoving his alien hand into the pile of metal. He didn’t look at him. “Five minutes.”

Zhang gave a bemused snort. Scalpels could wait. “I was going to ask if you were okay?”

“No.” He answered rather bluntly. “Tired. Very tired. Arm…” He gestured to it. Several vines had sprouted from it and were hungrily digging into all the metal. “She’s angry.”

“Need to take a break?”

He shook his head. “Not enough time. We are nearly done. She just needs a pick—”

“You’re lucky, Zhang!” A flanging voice called out. “This is the last body.” Two Hybrids were bringing a body over to him.

Hearing that made Dimitri breathe a sigh of relief, but that was cut short.

As the two passed by the man, there were several loud creaks and snaps from that alien arm as pieces cracked open. 

“Argh!” He cried out, as the arm acted on its own. Fingers arching and joints twisted out of socket as it let out a loud hiss like steam shooting out a tight pipe, before it threw itself at the passing body, snapping several of the vines rooted into the metal. 

“No!” His other arm flew down, latching onto his wrist, and pulled back. “Not now… That is not for you!” A slew of curses in Russian left his mouth as he struggled against his appendage.

The Hybrids quickly moved away from the commotion and quickly went over to Zhang.

Zhang’s brows raised at the sight. Another interesting aspect of his compatriot’s alien appendage and another glimpse at that question of why he asked for a corpse earlier. From what he could partially pick up in between all the curses, seemed like this was a common occurrence when he overtaxed his arm.

“Thank you and find the others that are fetching a body for him quickly.” He told them. They nodded and quickly ran off.

Zhang wasn’t going to wait for fresh scalpels, he’d just use what he had, carefully. He kept an eye on Dimitri and his arm. The man managed to regain control of his arm and redirect it back to the metal. It seemed content with the material, but it was still hissing like a hot kettle.

He was nearly done with cracking the skull open when those Hybrids showed up with two corpses for Dimitri. As soon as one came within inches of him again, his arm repeated the same actions as before, but this time Dimitri didn’t stop it. 

The fingers clawed at exposed flesh until it exposed the muscle underneath and caused that orange blood to seep out. As soon as a drop touched his fingers, the hand reared back before stabbing its fingers deep into the flesh. New roots sprung out and dug themselves into the body. The roots pulsated and trembled. A few seconds passed by as they took on a shimmering orange hue.

Dimitri dropped his head low, his shoulders followed suit as a deep sigh of relief left his lips. The tremors coursing through his body lessened with each passing second. “Fickle thing.”

“Dimitri. How—” A quick raised finger silenced Zhang. He didn’t even turn to look at him.

His human hand raised again. “FIVE minutes.” He stressed, flexing all five fingers out, as a growl slipped out.

Zhang gave a bemused snort once again. “Again,” first his voice was sarcastic before slipping to a more pleasant tone, “was checking to see if you are doing better?”

“Barely.” A deep, breathy sigh came out as it seemed like his head couldn’t drop lower. “Five minutes.” He waved him off. “J-just five minutes… then more blade making.”

“Mhm.” Zhang nodded. “No more blades for me, just about done.”

Dimitri responded with a thumbs-up.

Zhang returned to his work. A few more psionic pulses and skull fragments flew. He dug out the few stubborn pieces to find that shimmer prize once more. As he set down the scalpel and reached for the pliers, he noticed the two Hybrids were still hovering around. Watching him.

He briefly glanced at both former Troopers, finally noticing one was shorter than the other, before going back to work. Their observant gaze was a mild annoyance, but he was quickly learning how to ignore the presence of the ever-curious Hybrids.

“You’re pretty good at this.” One spoke. “Oddly good.”

“And not squeamish like other volunteers.” The other added.

“Hmph.” He chuckled. What to say? What to say? A little bit of the truth with a lie? He had been doing that for some time. “I have cracked my fair share of skulls beforreeee.” He was speaking nonchalantly before he reflexively slipped off into a growl as the chip was buried deeper than the last but with another firm tug he pulled it out. His nose wrinkled under the mask again, as he examined it. Another one of complex design. 

“Fights in my youth. Military Service. Guerrilla warfare against ADVENT.” He continued, setting the chip and pliers to the side before looking at them. “So I’ve seen things. Done many unsavory things to get what was needed.”  

The two looked at each other, those near black orb-like eyes shimmered brightly revealing hints of pale blue underneath. Eyes full of wonder and curiosity.

“Yes, yes.” The shorter one nodded. “I remember what you said a few days ago when arguing over the disposal of bodies happened.”

“Those days sound interesting.” The other said.

Here we go. Zhang turned his head before rolling his eyes. He only had himself to blame. That curiosity was going to get those Hybrids in trouble if they didn’t learn how to temper it quickly. He wondered if Piers or one of the other former Officers could temper the less “experienced” ones. So far, he was in the mood to entertain teaching Orkos bomb-making once her system was clear of all combat stimulants. He was happy she hadn’t started prodding about his past.

“This body is ready for the pyre.” He shifted the body over to where they could grab it. Before they could say anything, he was getting up and retrieving his stuff. The two just nodded to each other, grabbed the body, and took it away. One whispered to the other, “another day”, as they left.

With spent scalpels in hand, Zhang went over to Dimitri and dropped them into the pile. Metal tinged against metal. Dimitri glanced up hearing that sound. He was looking better, less agitated. Though one eye was more dilated than the other.

“Whatever elerium your arm doesn’t consume, bring it to me for my projects.” Zhang said.

“Mhm,” he nodded, “will try to remember, but the Mutons have first dibs. Fuel for their weapons.”

Zhang nodded. “Understandable.”

Zhang was about to find Marcus to see if he could help with anything else before heading back to his workshop before he stopped dead in his tracks. Gritting his teeth, it felt like needles were jabbing at his spine as electricity sparked around his skull. Felt like something was trying to touch his mind.

“Who?” His eyes darted around to find the offending psion he was going to give them a piece of his mind, if not fists. But as soon as the feeling happened, it disappeared. He narrowed his eyes. “Hm.” 

Just as he was about to leave again, the feeling struck him again. He cursed fairly loudly as he made himself look more obvious and annoyed.

The cursing caught Dimitri’s attention. Glancing up, he noticed Zhang looking around, face fixed with a frown and eyes faintly glowing purple. “What is wrong with you?”

“Someone’s attempting to… wait.” Zhang felt something breech his thoughts. A pair of voices.

“Name… Mele… Mills.” A female voice spoke with some strain to it.

“Capture Date: 2022-10-03. Subject: P.S.I.-F-323. Psionic Interrogator. Continued augmentations to become more efficient and cross over to ‘Psi Inquisitor’ designation.” A somewhat male, more chittering voice followed, flowing more smoothly.

Zhang shook his head. How could he have forgotten these two? He quickly looked over to where the bodies were taken and saw the cause of his problems. “Of course, Sam and one of the Sectoids.”

The two had slipped his mind. Especially the rather grim, if not personal task Samus took upon herself to complete. Gathering and noting down the names of the dead and some memories so they would not be forgotten. Several suspected it was a faint form of penance, as she was a former Psionic Interrogator for ADVENT. 

He felt the intruding thoughts again as he saw the Sectoid going to work on another body. Whatever the Sectoid was doing was picking up the residual energy used by Zhang to crack open the skulls and bridging him in on their task.

“Of course.” Why were psionics so fickle? He couldn’t wait until his stopped whatever changes they were going through and stabilized.

“Zhang?” Dimitri said. Still waiting for an answer. “All there? Or powers on the fritz?”

“It’s fine.” He shook his head. “My sensitive psionics are picking up what Sam and that Sectoid are doing.” An annoyed sigh slipped out. “Hope this doesn’t disturb me throughout the day.”

“Ah.” Dimitri looked over and spotted the duo. “Samus and Vert. I pity their task.” Closing his eyes he shook his head. Such a burden. 

He turned his attention back to Zhang. “If psionics on the fritz we still have few of those blasted collars.” He tapped at his neck like his old one was still there, grimacing while doing so. “Make short work. Lock your powers in.  Block everything out. Especially those unsavory thoughts one can pick up.” He chuckled. “Though maybe you want to keep tabs on those. Information gathering, hmm?” 

Zhang’s expression soon became sour. He could tell Dimitri was partially joking about the dampening collar, but the other part was unneeded. He detested he was still dealing with his psionics passively gleaning thoughts without him activating them. More or less, the joking was all a sign the man was feeling better as he was grinning ear to ear. “Not. Funny.”

Dimitri was still grinning. “Just a suggestion. And observation.”

He shook his head. “Eat your metal.” Dimitri laughed as he left. He made his way to Marcus.

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Zhang found Marcus and asked if there were any more tasks, gruesome or not, for him to partake in before getting back to his little workshop.

So far, nothing else needed to be done, as the most abhorrent work had been taken care of. Right now, the current tasks were getting the camp packed up for each group as they still found it beneficial to travel separately and making preparations if ADVENT found their camp as they were burning bodies.

With careful words, Zhang weaseled his way into finding out more details about how the group would be split up. He learned they were thinking of putting him into one of the groups that would be moving those most vulnerable later that night with how he still needed to heal and those psionics of his would be useless for fighting. 

Zhang quickly declined that. He still had work he needed to do. Marcus asked what “work” was so important. Zhang explained had a surprise he wanted to finish just in case ADVENT disturbed the last part of the group before they finished packing up. A rather explosive surprise.

Marcus’ eyes lit up. He grinned from ear to ear, scraggy mustache bristling with pure excitement. He liked the sound of that.

Zhang explained he would need some help planting the devices across camp and Marcus quickly figured who he could wrangle for the task.

“Gonna have to pick your brain later, silver hair.” He gave Zhang’s back a few light pats, keeping in mind his still healing incisions. “Whoo, wonder what trouble the Cell you were a part of got in trouble with before your capture.”

Zhang just smiled. “We’ll see.” He had to learn more about this man before he would tell a soul of his past. Trouble he got into. He darkly chuckled. “We had our fair share of skirmishes.”

After a few more discussions on future plans, Zhang made his leave back to his workshop to put the finishing touches on his current project. Thankfully, the psionic disturbances from Sam and that Sectoid disappeared once he was far away and back in his workshop.

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Over the next few days, the group splintered for their roughly plotted-out destination. The most vulnerable and the doctors and scientists were the first to be shipped off with decent protection. Then, part of those who could mostly hold their own were next to follow. That ever invisible and blanketing Shroud splintered itself to go with each group. Just an additional sliver of protection from any ADVENT scanners on the ground or in the air and detection for any Chryssilaid nests that they could stumble across.

All who were left at the camp were those handling those bodies. Many who could help their own.

Those who stayed waited about a day before starting the pyres to give the others a decent headway to any ensuing trouble. The amount of smoke being generated was bound to catch the attention of somebody, especially ADVENT.

And they were right. ADVENT was still hunting. 

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“RAAARGH!” 

Flint let out a booming bellowing roar as a hail of magnetic gunfire struck his thickened hide. He barely felt it. Most of it bounced off the skin and plates and what snuck through and pierced it, barely stung. 

“Ya gonna have to up that caliber if ya wanna put me down! Bègwè!” He let out another mighty roar before he charged forward, head down and good horn out like a mad bull. 

He plowed right through a platoon of Troopers. Trampling over all too slow to move out of the way in time, grabbing one unlucky Trooper in his massive hands before slamming them right into the thick trunk of the tree. There was a loud snap as a massive crack appeared down the middle of the tree. Bark scattered everywhere.

“Gonna pop ya head like a beer can.” His mustache twitched as a wicked grin crept across his face. 

Eyes barely twitched as the other Troopers were moving closer, favoring his blindside, and peppering his backside with bullets. His grip tightened on the Trooper’s head, nails digging in deeper and deeper, causing the metal to give way. The Trooper gasped, crying out in pain as they grabbed and beat at his hand to break free. There was no budging.

“RAARGH!” With swift force applied and a quick twist, there was a sickening series of crunches as the helmet gave way and orange blood gushed down. Then a snap followed that twist and the Trooper went limp. 

“WHO’S NEXT!?” He roared, not before throwing the body at another group of Troopers and he was soon charging at them ready to smash in more bodies and skulls.

Massive hands swooped up and grabbed more of them and repeated previous tactics. Smashing them against each other. Violently breaking their necks with quick back-and-forth flicks. Slamming them into the ground and stomping on them. He was a dirty fighter.

“Don’t let that blood rage get the best of ya, Flint! Watch ya bling spot ya Bull!” Marcus yelled. He, and a few others, had retreated to the treeline to the East to keep their escape route secure. He took potshots whenever he noticed a Trooper or Stun Lancer had noticed people heading their way. “Don’t need to lose ya like this!”

“RAAAAARGH!” Didn’t look like Flint heard him.

“Oi, Zhang! Hope this connection is working.” Eyes glowing purple for a brief moment, Marcus sent a telepathic message to Zhang. “How are things goin’ on your end, mate? Seeing more Dropships coming and don’t know how much longer we can hold here. Got half evac’ing out with the guiders and the Shroud is coverin’ them— Huh?” He paused, noticing one of the Dropships coming in. It was still high up in the sky as those doors opened. He saw an all too familiar glisten of white armor as it dropped from the sky. “Shite they bringing the robots.”

“I can hear you just fine.” Zhang answered. “I’m nearly done with the big one,” a dark chuckle slipped out, “just a few more touches for the trigger.”

“Uh, cool, cool. But work them fancy fingers faster cuz— FUCK!” A curse came out as he clutched his shoulder. 

“Marcus?”

“I’m fine, damned bullet hit the tree and sent a chunk into my shoulder.” He said. Fingers quickly dug out the chunk of bark. “As I was saying, not sure how long Orkos and Verdant can keep playing cat and mouse. ADVENT is shifting tactics, but they got a good amount of them Stunners and Troopers chasing them and stuck in those buildings.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Nearly done and make sure everyone stays clear of the other buildings. Especially this one. Tassiter and the others nearly have all the gear out.”

“Gotcha, gotcha. Everyone’s mostly avoid the other buildings until the cue is given.”

Amidst the escalating fight, Zhang was in that workshop of his. Kneeling over and tinkering with what he could consider his magnum opus. For now. For some time, he had been putting together bombs of higher yields whenever they would get a decent amount of Elerium to spare. This one would leave quite a crater and should provide a decent distraction for their escape.

He was double-checking all the wires and tubing and then making sure the connections to the trigger would work properly.

“This elerium and alien metals should respond to my psionics and then,“ he made a few clicking sounds with his mouth before grinning, “there will be fireworks all around.”

A few more seconds passed and he was done. Everything looked to be sound.

He got to his feet and hastily grabbed his gear that remained. Tossing bag over shoulder, he moved towards the backdoor. “EVERYONE GRAB WHAT’S LEFT AND GET OUT!” He yelled at those still in the workshop that were clearing out the remnants that remained. They picked up the pace. 

“Orkos. Verdant. I’m done. Get as many as you can here and warn the others.” He sent a thought as he and the others were leaving the building.

“Busy.” Verdant hissed. “Ended back over to the buildings near the burn pits.”

“That’s fine. There’s a payload there. Get them tied up and clear the area fast”

“Affirmative. Barking out the code to the others.”

“Lari! Lari! Lari!” Orkos subconsciously yelled the selected code word to want the others.”Coming to you, Zhang!” There was an ever-growing excitement mixed with panic in her voice. “Quickly! Move quickly! Stun Lancers hot on my behind!”

Hearing that panic made Zhang pause. 

“Don’t bite me in the ass.” He mumbled to himself as he activated his psionics to quickly scope out the area. He felt faint pings as he felt out friend or foe until he finally found her. She was minutes away. Stun Lancers — with Troopers following behind — in hot pursuit, those lances crackling hot with electricity.

“Great.” He cursed in his mind before he started moving once more to that backdoor. Looked like he would be triggering them faster than he planned. Since when do these ever go to plan for situations like this? He chuckled to himself. He just hoped everyone would be clear of the blast radiuses across the camp. “EVERYONE, MOVE ON THE DOUBLE UNLESS YOU WANT TO BECOME ASHES!” 

Footsteps quickened.

Everyone was out of the building on the double and headed to the evac route into the woods. 

“Marcus. Get Flint out of the action now. Same with anyone else near the bombs there.” Zhang sent a message to him.

“Working on Flint, the others are clear. Ta fool has worked himself up in that Blood Rage.” Marcus growled. 

“Work faster. He’s not invincible.”

“Bloody hell, where is she? Oi! Big girlie! Zule! Get ta big guy out of there now!” What he spoke bleed over to his thoughts as he called to a former Enforcer to wrangle their Blood-raged friend.

Zhang was standing at the tree line — shooing away those trying to force him to continue — watching the scrimmage continue to unfold. The sound of Dropships hovering over head, doors unlocking as more reinforcements fell from the sky. Still, thankfully, it was solely ADVENT and no aliens.

“Ga’rox will unravel me if I’m ever captured again.” He took note of the absurdly high amount of Stun Lancers being dropped in. 

Narrow eyes continued to watch ADVENT push hard against those who were lingering and give chase to those escaping. He felt something ping in his mind that made them widen. The words that followed made him grin.

“Set it off!” Orkos yelled in his mind. “SET IT OFF!” He heard her shrill, flanging voice, followed by the sound of glass shattered. 

His eyes fell on his former workshop and saw the Hybrid had flung herself out the window and was quickly picking herself up off the ground and heading to the woods.

Verdant. He remembered the other. A quick psionic scope out and he saw where the Hybrid was. Still near the burn pits but keeping his distance from the traps laid. But he noticed so was the ADVENT chasing him. He cursed. That dreaded Network must have picked up something was suspect. No time to dwell on that. 

Another quick scope for the others. Nearly everyone was clear of the lethal portion of the blast radiuses scattered around the camp.

He grinned more. Perfect.

“Everyone, prepare your ears.” He sent out one last warning.

His eyes flashed that mix of purple and gold as he sent out quick pulses to the triggers of all the explosives.

At first, there was nothing. Then there was a faint rumble following a massive plum of dirt, fire, and smoke rising high into the sky at the the end of the camp. The rumbling grew more and more intense as more columns of destruction detonated across the camp.

“Bloody hell!” Marcus sent a message to him. Shockwaves from a few of explosions going off near him knocked him on his back. “How much elerium did you use in those blasted things? My ears are ringing and I wasn’t even close to ‘em.”

“Enough.” Zhang replied.

“Ha! Ha! ‘Enough’.” He replied sarcastically, “Freakn’ vaporized ‘em Troop pods over here. Even the ones on that hill we predicted they’d land ‘em crafts. Man, wish had time to get the scrap from those ships.” 

Zhang just laughed. Less trouble for them.

“Hm.” He noticed something moved past the broken window in his former workshop. Then he saw the familiar dark blue padding and black armor climbing out of the window and another coming through the door. The others were going around the building. 

“May need to trigger this one again—”

Just as he mumbled the words, the entire building erupted in a blazing fireball. The blazing fireball swiftly consumed the cries of all inside, vaporizing those closest to the epicenter. Remains of concrete, twisted rebar, other metals, and body parts were scattered everywhere. All that was left of the building was a smoldering crater.

“Ah.” He smiled, bristling, as the shockwaves washed over him. “Haven’t lost my touch.” 

The smile quickly disappeared as he felt a tug on the back of his shirt, followed by a stronger, if not rougher one that lifted him off the ground. 

“What the!?” He was in the air for a few seconds before he felt a hairy, burly arm quickly wrap around him and tuck him tight under it and next to something uncomfortably warm.

“Less gawking, more running!” A deeper flanging voice said. He recognized this Hybrid’s voice as he had come to know her over the days as she came to his defense whenever Skiv was prowling about.

He looked up only to be greeted by those vibrant white and orange eyes of Tassiter. She was a massive for a generation 2.5 Hybrid, towering over most of her brethren because of her extensive Muton “upgrades” and another species; both DNA donors gave her a fairly unique appearance. Purple armored hide growths, white fur-like hair around her body, and then brown hair on her head were the immediate visible traits.

Zhang wrinkled his nose at her. “Tassiter, I can run you know.”

“Yes, but can you run a few miles before tuckering out?” She grinned, showing off her sharp teeth. He only glared more. “Thought so. You still healing. Don’t want the doctors angry!”

He just shook his head. Best not to argue, as he knew she was bullheaded.

Feeling another tremor, he finally received a startled curse from Verdant shortly after the ground rocked again. Looking back, peaking through the growing tree cover, there was more smoke rising in the distance. The bombs planted around the pyres had gone off. 

“Verdant.” Zhang sent a message to him.

“Alive… Argh…” He hissed. “Taken some shrapnel to the back, but alive.”

Shit. Not something Zhang wanted to hear, but Verdant knew the risks. He suspected the Hybrid had to make more dangerous movements with ADVENT adapting to their tactics. “Sending someone your way.” He sent a message to anyone near the location to find Verdant.

Before distance would limit their psionic communication, Zhang set another message to Marcus to see where everyone was.

Everyone made it out. Wounds ranged from minor to life-threatening, but so far none were dead. Yet. He did, in a joking way, tell Zhang to temper the elerium next time, and Flint may bite his face off for the shrapnel embedded in his back. Zhang just laughed.

The escaping groups stayed split for a few days as ADVENT still gave chase. It took a few more skirmishes and clever maneuvering before they could shake them off and finally meet back together at one planned spot before they headed out to find the other half of the group at their final destination.

————————

It took several days, but everyone was back together. Their new base camp was less glamorous than the last, but could they complain?

It was a series of rundown, overgrown houses in the backwoods of a “quarantined” sector. The area was the former home to several Chryssalid nests. The group’s hunters had taken care of those nuisances in advance, which also secured them more meat and chitin plating that could be fashioned into improvised armor.

Head counts were done, and medical aid was given as everyone arrived. Those who were severely wounded were still in a touch and go state; recovery was looking slim for a few, but they knew what they had volunteered for.

As usual, when they arrived at their new location, they were already plotting out their next journey. Flint and the other heads of the group wanted to be out of this region before they even dreamed of finding permanent shelter. Additionally, they had another problem. It was fall, inching closer and closer to winter every day and they were somewhere up North, in-between the states of Indiana and Illinois, and wanted to head South as fast as possible before winter hit.

As that was going on, more scouting groups were sent out to find any salvageable gear they could use if they were stuck up North for the winter. They had scrounged together fairly suitable gear for half of the human-sized people in the group. Those outside of that size range, especially those that had more alien or monstrous forms, were currently out of luck until they could create custom attire for them. Sadly, a good chunk of them had more reptilian DNA in their genetic makeup, making them more susceptible to that dreaded cold. 

As the days went on, the scouting groups had mostly friendly encounters with the local Havens and Resistance Cells, as long as the most human-looking ones in the group did the talking, and quickly struck up some trading to get some more food, gear, and other supplies. Additionally, they did some quid pro quo work to eliminate some roaming Chryssalids packs, and other unpleasant, alien flora and fauna that had invaded Earth, for any and all information on other groups and ADVENT movements nearby.

Days, overtime, became weeks. The group was more or less settled in their temporary home. But there was a shift in the atmosphere. One that the leaders had been expecting for some time, and expected it to happen more often. 

Some of the humans left. They had dealt with all they could handle. A future filled with constantly being on the run? No, that was too much. They needed something more stable that wasn’t surrendering themselves back to ADVENT. They were all marked for death and body recovery. And then some had tentative trust with the aliens and Hybrids in the group. Especially some of the latter who had questionable natures they had shaky control over.

It was understandable, even if some didn’t like it. There were risks. Who would break and give themselves to ADVENT? Spill all they knew of where the group would be heading? All they could do was hope they would stay strong and avoid capture. The Havens they had made friends with were more than welcoming in accepting those that left.

A fair amount of the scientists and doctors stuck with them decided to stay. It was a mixture of a sense of duty to provide what medical help and other expertise, and then a heavy hanging cloud of guilt. They had blood on their hands from what they while under the Elders’ employ.

Though they lost a fair amount of people, over time they picked up some new people. A few bloody encounters with ADVENT prisoners convoys, survivors from an ADVENT cleaning raid, a random encounter in a deserted town, or a random passerby. There were numerous ways they gained people.

The Hybrids and aliens of the group had no such luck of finding a Haven to call home or striking out on their own. Either would be a death wish. Where they currently were, most Havens and Cells were highly anti-alien and were tolerating the mixed group’s trades as long as everyone played nice. But their luck would eventually change for the better.

One scouting group eventually had a run-in with a Skirmisher clan who was in the middle of “freeing” their brainwashed brethren. Silvered Wolverines was their clan name, and they had dark silver armor to match. 

Fortunately, they were a friendly bunch as well as a one sister clan they got the group in contact with. Though mostly composed of Freed ADVENT, they had a few humans and other freed aliens in their mix. They were welcoming to others joining, as long as they pulled their weight as they didn’t stay in one location for too long. A few were ready to leave until they heard the other stipulation. The Skirmisher had an undying Adversary to worry about. A Chosen.

Mention of a Chosen made those that knew immediately weary. Which only grew worse as an event happened a few days later. 

Off in the far distance to the north, plumes of smoke rouse high into the sky. One black dot after the other streaked across the blue sky, homing in on those pillars of smoke. A raid. The wandering group did their best to pay no mind to it. Nothing they could do, but keep track of where those Dropships were heading. All they could do was hope most could escape, and for those that couldn’t, they would have a swift death. That was preferable to capture.

Two days later, they would learn it wasn’t a regular haven raid when a group of wounded Skirmishers crossed paths with one of the group’s hunting parties. The Hybrid brothers and sisters were barely holding on by threads. Armor sundered and Bullpups running near dry. They quickly took them back to camp to get them patched up and immediately contacted the Silvered Wolverines. The wounded told of what happened.

 Jax-Rai, the Assassin, was on the hunt. 

She struck like lightning, taking them all by surprise as she cut them down like chaff. Then her armed forces dropped in to cut off their escape routes. So many of their kin sacrificed their lives so the few of them and the humans they protected could escape and warn the other clans the Assassin was prowling.

Once the Silvered Wolverines received the news, they informed the other sister clans and began to pack up their camp. They gave a fair warning to the wandering group that they should do the same. Once Jax-Rai started a hunt, she would not stop until she flushed out all Skirmisher clans in the area. Havens and other Resistance Cells were additional collateral that would please her Masters.

They lent a few of their members to the group. One, to help them move to an area that would be out of the Assassin’s territory. Two, to make sure their brethren who were being nursed back to health would know how to link back up with the clan. And they were deeply grateful they would spend their limited medical supplies on them.

The wandering group accepted the help and quickly got to work with breaking down their camp. The process was quickened when Zhang heard of the news and immediately told Flint and the others of another threat they would have to worry about if the Assassin even got a whiff of their presence. Even though the Chosen siblings loathed each other and rarely shared information between each other, sometimes out of “pity” they would inform their siblings their quarry was in their territory.

At first Flint and the others didn’t quite understand until Zhang pointed out which Elder ran that facility. Ga’rox. Dhay-Vol, the Warlock, was his favored Chosen. He wouldn’t hesitate to send his prized pet, his beloved son, to hunt them down. Zhang could only theorize why the pesky foe wasn’t already hunting them was because he was tied up with hunting his quarry, the Templars.

They didn’t like this news. Another layer of annoyance, another layer of difficulty they had to prepare for. 

With the help of their temporary allies, the group packed up and was off.

————————

It took some days, but with the aid of their Skirmisher allies, they found a new area to call home for some time. Another overgrown and abandoned neighborhood. A few buildings still stood. Others were burned or bombed out husks. And scavenged metal husks of those pods littered the streets. More scars from the Old World.

The Skirmishers said this area would be safe. It was in another “semi-quarantined” zone because of some alien contagion affecting the local fauna. It had been months since the Skirmishers had seen any of the afflicted animals and the strange crystalline growths jutting out of their emaciated bodies. The ADVENT burn teams must have cleaned up the area, but the Elders were still treating the area with great caution.

They gave a fair warning to watch out for any creatures acting odd. Standing nearly still, swaying back and forth like their minds were baked. Even more so if they saw those crystalline growths. If they needed to kill them, do it from a distance as they would explode like a puffball mushroom, their particles sublimating into a sparkling, rainbow cloud. It seemed like whatever that disease or parasite was didn’t affect humanoids, but they shouldn’t risk inhaling the cloud. Who knew when it would jump species.

Keeping the warning in mind, the wandering group continued to set up camp and get a decent map of their current location. Routines started again. Scouts went out tracking and mapping. Hunters searched for food. Scavengers looked for gear. They made contact with friendly and not-so-friendly havens and Cells, and got to trading goods and doing favors.

————————

“Everything is looking good, Zhang. Since you’ve mostly been taking it slow, the healing is going well.” Dr. Rook Alenco said. “Minus the stitches on your left shoulder blade, you managed to pull when the Mutons smacked you. Again.” A sigh slipped out. Those guys needed to remember their strength. “Have to clean that out and redo that.” 

Zhang was in one house that had been turned into the clinic for the camp. He was getting a long overdue checkup from the doctors. He wasn’t exactly avoiding it, he just had been busy with his many projects and the fact they had to pack up and move from their previous location so soon.

It would have included a check on his psionics as they were sporadically activating again and giving him headaches. As well as other strange feelings like his body was longing for something, like a faint hunger. Much to his annoyance, Helios was still out of commission and they didn’t exactly have the appropriate tech to properly monitor and examine them. He just had to keep his concerns to himself unless something drastically changed.

Zhang was lying down on a cot as Rook examined his back. Poking and prodding his numerous still healing wounds and stitches, some scars, and a few visible ribs on his back. To a point, it was bothersome, as he knew many questions were most likely going through the doctor’s mind, but he could tolerate it. 

Rook was engrossed by the utter mess that was Zhang’s back was. And the rest of his body matched it. He muttered a few things to himself as he fetched a cleaning solution and his instruments.“Still can’t believe you’re alive with all you suffered. They really made a mess of you… and putting you back together every single time was…” His voice trailed off. 

Though his words were faint, they tickled Zhang’s ear. There was something in his voice that was piquing his curiosity. Guilt. That was always there from the brief conversations he had with him and the other doctors. There was something else. A faint dread. A trembling shudder in his touch as it brushed against those raised scars on his skin or one of his destroyed Gene ports.

“Hm.” Maybe this doctor knew something of his imprisonment. Of his torture. It would explain why he would hush Ren and any others when they asked probing questions. Maybe it was time he asked his own? Maybe. Maybe he would wait until Helios was back “online”.

With everything in hand, Rook carefully undid the pulled stitches and examined the wound. A little inflammation, but it and the muscles underneath were healing nicely.

“Alright, this may sting.” Rook gave a fair warning before he treated it. Barely a hiss slipped from Zhang’s lips.

Once cleaned, he applied some salve before stitching it back up in just a few minutes.

“Heh, hopefully, we don’t have to fix that again.” He chuckled. “You can sit up and put your shit back on. Just have the booster to give you.”

Music to Zhang’s ears. He was ready to head back to his workshop. He shifted around until he was sitting on the cot and put his shirt back on. Seeing Rook standing by with the syringe gun, he offered his right arm for the injection. It was a quick prick, nearly painless as he felt the liquid flow into his veins. 

Once the last bit of the medicine was injected, Rook removed the gun. “And you’re free to go.” 

“How long will Helios still be ‘out’?” Zhang asked, rolling his arm.

“We’re not sure. His ramblings have slowed down.” His eyes glanced upward, towards the room they placed their brain-fried friend in. “It could be a few days… or weeks.” He sighed. “Wish we had more time to  ‘offload’ and ‘unplug’ him properly before the great escape. Tch, it would have only bought him a few more weeks…? Maybe days at best before frying itself into this ‘recovery mode’.”

“Hm.” Zhang nodded. Looked like he would be waiting for some time. At least it would give himself to formulate carefully pointed questions to ask Rook. “A troublesome design flaw.”

“Yes, and no. He’s a rushed product. A lesser Information Broker.” He shook his head. “Ignore me. None of that would make sense to you.”

“I know of Information Brokers. I was a part of a Cell that gave ADVENT some trouble.” Zhang said. A little truth. A little lie. “Truthfully, my knowledge of them is scant. A lesser is news to me.”

The doctor raised a brow as his head tilted slightly. “Right, right. Forgot about your experience.” Too much to remember with how he was constantly working. He mumbled something about why Ga’rox probably wanted his head so much. He snorted at Zhang’s comment about his scant knowledge of the topic. 

“Technically, ‘lesser,’” Rook made finger quotes, “is something we scientists dubbed. The Elders don’t exaaaactly,” his eyes darted to the side as his neck tightened and his lips twisted into a grimace, “want to acknowledge there are ones better, if not, more developed and finely tuned than Brokers like Helios.”

Hearing how he dragged that word, and seeing that expression, Zhang shook his head as a faint chuckle came out. “Internal feuding with how projects are handled?”

“Yep.” Rook nodded. “Not sure who spearheaded the project before hands shifted, but there are only four,” he also raised the exact amount of fingers, “Brokers that can be considered ‘perfectly’ complete. All others after that are inferior, suffering the information retention and build-up until the built-in ‘fry and reset’ kicks in when they’re unplugged. Even more so if unplugged improperly”

“Huh.” Zhang raised a brow. Interesting information. More glimpses into the folly of the Elders. How their self-importance and pride blinded Them. They acted just like the lesser races they looked down upon.  “May have a few questions to ask Helios once he’s lucid again.”

Rook raised a brow, almost bemused he was tempting fate. “If you do, I’m not saving you from his ramblings.”

Zhang just rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help but smirk. 

There was a commotion outside the house. Muffled panicked yells and crates crashing could be heard. The aggressive grunts and snorts of Mutons followed. And then something else. Something concerning. 

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

An all too familiar slavering animalistic roar, followed by chittering, snapping mandibles. More Muton grunts and yells followed.

Zhang and Rook looked at each other. “Chryssalids?”

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

Another roar and chittering answered their question. 

“It sounds like just one of them is out there.” Zhang commented as he started to get up.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Rook reached out to grab his shoulder, but a swift glare made him retract his hand. “Hey… be careful.”

“I’m going to investigate from a distance.” Zhang reassured him. 

Zhang made his way to the front of the building, ears picking up more of the yelling. A mixture of panic from everyone else and then a mix of excitement and irritation from the Mutons.

“Did they bring back one alive?” Zhang mumbled to himself. As he reached the door and opened it, he soon found his answer. “What the…”

Part of the camp was in shambles as four Mutons were trying to get a hold of a Chryssalid. And it wasn’t an ordinary one. This annoying bug was massive. Easily towering over the Mutons and from Zhang’s memory, it was bigger than the Old War Mutons. Its cracked and broken carapace was as dark as obsidian, highlighted by cyan streaks and glowing bioluminescent nodules. 

This was a big catch. Zhang could only imagine the fun the Mutons had when hunting this thing, but somehow failed to make sure the bug was dead once they brought it back.

There was a roar of pain from one Muton. Underneath the bug’s knife-life legs, it had one of them pinned. Leg going clean through their chest armor.

“I thought you lot made sure it was dead!” Marcus said. He, his companion pet, and others were ushering to people away from the unfolding mess. Bewildered, if not frazzled, he was eying the angered monstrosity and the Mutons’ attempts to kill it. Again. How he wished Flint and the more hardy ones in the group and those Skirmishers weren’t off doing quid pro quo work.

“We did!” Rappa said. He was currently on the back of the bug, partially hanging on for dear life as he repeatedly stabbed at the missing chunks of its carapace, revealing its pale white meat around the back of its neck. He nearly lost his grip as the thing reared back in pain.

“It sure ain’t dead enough!” Marcus barked.

“Reaper Hounds would be nice right now.” Another Muton grunted.

“Rrrgh!” Row was the unfortunate one pinned under the thing, and now had to deal with it trying to rip out his throat. As it came back down with its snapping mandibles, he barely caught them with his hands. He let out a roar, red mist escaped his mask, as he strained against the crushing force. Mandibles inching closer and closer. Fingers and claws slowly slipping from the dripping saliva and venom. “Break the thing’s neck!”

“You idiots!” Yerra boomed. “Get that thing under control and gutted!” 

The ground shook with each heavy stomp from Yerra as she closed in. She was huffing and puffing, massive plumes of red mist escaped her mask. Fingers flexed into and out of fists, causing her muscles to tremble and veins to bulge. Rage. Once near, she let out a thunderous roar as she lept at the creature, tackling it from the side. 

There was a loud crack, then a snap. Orange blood sprayed as the limb that had Row pinned broke like a twig.

The Chryssalid let out a pained roar as it, and the Mutons hanging on it, crashed to the ground.

 It thrashed about, throwing off Rappa and the other two Mutons, and managed to get back up shakily on three legs. Yerra kept a firm grip on the thing as she rammed her metal-braced knuckles repeatedly into its face. The force of the impacts snapped off a mandible.

“That thing is as big as Yerra.” Zhang muttered as he watched the mess. He hadn’t noticed he was moving closer to the danger until a firm hand to the chest by someone stopped him.

He watched the other Mutons clamber back onto the thing to bring it down. Including Row who had got back up and ripped the limb stuck in his chest. He had let out several roars, beating his chest, before he went in for the attack.

“Hm.” Zhang muttered. This Chryssalid was heartier than the usual kind and seemed like it was going to take far too long to bring it back down. 

“Hm.” Eyes shifting to his hand, he raised it and twiddled his fingers. A few sparks of psionic energy danced between his fingers. “Should I?”

There were risks. Whatever was still going on with his shifting psionics and he didn’t want to end up knocked out and in a coma again. But a Chryssalid’s feral mind was fairly easy to take over. There was usually little resistance.

Eyes shifting back and for, he mulled over it until he heard a Muton roar, other people yelling, and then several crashes. Someone got thrown off the bug again.

“A short attempt won’t hurt.” He would stop as soon as he felt a strain on his body. 

Taking in a breath, he raised his hand, stretching out towards the Chryssalid. His eyes slowly shifted to that purple with faint traces of gold, his fingers trembled as his psionics activated. The energy coiled down his arm and to his hand before it shot out and towards the Chryssalid. 

On contact, the beast let out a roar of confusion and pain. 

Zhang grunted. There was some resistance. A wall of chittering noises and savage feelings he was all too familiar with. 

Kill. Kill. Kill. Infect. Reproduce. Infect. Reproduce. Kill. Kill. Kill. 

Zhang hadn’t noticed he was steadily marching towards the bug. Nor did he notice the others asking what the hell he was doing.

Feeling no strain on himself, Zhang increased his powers, causing several more bands of energy to sweep around the bug’s head. “Heel!” 

The Chryssalid let out another roar of pain, shaking its head several times before it suddenly stopped. Head bobbing side to side in a daze, it let out quiet chitters as it wobbly shifted back and forth on its remaining legs before dropping to the ground.

A collective sigh of relief could be felt around the camp. 

Marcus let out a tired “thank god.”

The Mutons let out jubilant roars. One by one, they dropped off the bug and worked together to break its remaining legs to immobilize it.

The situation was finally under control, and some “normalcy” returned to camp. Wisely, some vacated the area just in case.

Rappa let out a few more roars to work down his blood rage before he made his way to Zhang. “That was some smart thinking!” He clapped his hands.

“Yes, clever.” Yerra agreed, letting out several snorts, slowly cooling down from her rage. “One of you get my blade. We need to cut its head off.”

“Wait. Don’t kill it.” Zhang said. They gave him odd looks. “I’m picking up something in its memories.” He moved closer.

“Memories?” Yerra questioned. “What memories could this creature hold? It’s meant to overwhelm and terrorize and nothing else. Short-lived miserable creatures.”

“Faint glimpses of a location.” Zhang said He was standing in front of the thing, carefully studying it and its dazed eyes. “Perhaps where more of this variant comes from.”

With a mere thought, the bug lowered its head until he could place his hand against it.

“Huh.” His eyes twinkled as a strange feeling coursed through his body. He could feel the bug’s life-force and it was massive. Careful now. He told himself. Still feeling no strain on his body, he increased his power to scour the creature’s thoughts. 

Its memories were scattered, hard to read as it was not a sapient creature and then the Elders meddling highly rewired how the creature acted. Yet, he was gleaning something. Wherever the Mutons found this overgrown bug, there were more with its unique coloring but were the average sized Chryssalid. As he gleaned deeper, he saw some glimpses of a city split by a river. A great arch was broken. Half of the city was glassed. The other half was infested by the Lost. And there was a semi-active Chryssalid hive there. Most of them took residence in or near the river.

He relayed all of this to the Mutons. They murmured amongst themselves, but it didn’t take much to see they were bristling with excitement. More future hunts to secure more food, armor, and venom.

After another minute of searching, Zhang found nothing else.

“That’s it. The bug is yours.” He said as he retracted his hand, but did not recall his psionics to keep the bug dazed. 

As he pulled his hand back, he felt a tingle in the base of his skull before a jolt shot through his arm, making his fingers reflexively arch. 

Oh no. Was he just on the edge of straining himself? No. He felt something else. There was a pull like something was latching onto him and his psionics. 

And that feeling continued to grow as he pulled his hand away. Those ensnaring bands around the Chrysallid’s head shifted. Waves of purple energy swirled around faster and faster before abruptly flowing back to Zhang. As they did, something else intertwined with it. Something deep within the bug. More energy. But a different kind that he was unfamiliar with.

“What the?” Zhang mumbled as he pulled his hand back faster, inadvertently drawing more of this strange energy with him. He didn’t like that. What was in this Chryssalid could be a poison to him and his unstable psionics. 

A moment to focus, to concentrate and he would shut down his psionics. Closing his eyes, his brows furrowed as he concentrated on those active pathways.

One. Two. Three…? Nothing. He did it again. One. Two. Bricked. This time, he felt a block. A block within himself. His eyes grew wide for a moment before old teachings kicked in and quickly stilled his mind. Panicking now would only make this worse.

“A short attempt wouldn’t hurt.” He mockingly grumbled at himself. At this rate, he knew he was going to be forced to wear a dampening collar. Maybe he needed one right now. Ugh. He loathed the thought, but if he couldn’t figure out how to shut off his psionics, it was the final solution.

“Yerra!” He called out to her. He felt a fair warning was needed just in case his psionics continued to be strange.

“What?” She let out a harsh snort. She wasn’t exactly irritated by him. Just the lingering blood rage. One of the Mutons had finally come back with her blade and she was checking its edge.

“I need you and your men to stand back. There’s something strange about this bug.”

More snorts followed. Her already prominent brow ridge furrowed as beady green eyes jumped between Zhang and the Chryssalid. “Strange how?” 

She would ask that. He shrugged. “It’s hard to explain. I’m fe—”

Abruptly pausing, his eyes grew wide as he felt a spike of energy and felt his psionics reach out as the foreign energy intermingled with his more.

Feverishly springing from his fingertips, tendril-like projections wrapped themselves around the energy and a few around the bug’s head. Ensnaring, biting deep like a famished dog, greedily gorging itself on a meal.

What remained of the Chryssallid’s body twitched. Its head jerked back and forth chittering, and slow cries of pain came from it. Its bioluminescence flickered, slowly growing dim and dimmer with each passing second.

Yerra’s fingers tightened on her blade, hearing the chittering. Then she noticed the expression Zhang’s face bore. Brows raised, nearly pulling together. Trembling eyes darting back and forth. His mouth slowly went slack. 

A harsh, pressured snort shot out a mixture of steam and red mist from her mask. “Zhang! The hell are you doing?” She said.

Zhang was lost in his thoughts until another angry snort and shout made him snap to. How to explain? “I’m not exactly doing thi— wait…”

Gears were slowly clicking in Zhang’s frightened mind. Memories of the past, back in his days with XCOM and Psionic training. Back when new discoveries to the various paths psionics could take were still being made. Dangerous, dark paths. 

“No, no, no.” His mind was slipping into denial as he recalled someone. An old operative, an old friend. Trauma on the field opened a powerful yet unsavory path for her psionics if she didn’t temper it. Life force drain. “I can’t be draining this thing!?”

Just as he finally figured it out, it reached its crescendo. The Chryssalid’s cries of pains grew louder as it suddenly jerked up and back. Its carapace looked as dull.

 The cry startled the other Mutons and got the attention of those still nearby who quickly made themselves scarce. 

His mind still making sense of the terrible revelation, Zhang wrenched his arm back. As he did, those tendrils ripped out whatever life was still in the bug. It reared its head back, letting out one final cry before its eyes and nodules grew dim and it slumped over.

“What did you just do?” Yerra looked at him and then at the dead bug.

He didn’t answer. Mind clouded with a maelstrom of thoughts, his eyes were transfixed on his finally receding psionics. That foreign energy, the life force of the bug, intermingled with his own. A crackle of energy rippled across his body, coursing through the nerve pathways and energizing those synapses. Faint pains and aches vanished. So did that faint hunger.

 It all felt exhilarating. And equally terrifying.

Closing his eyes, he took in several deep breaths. His psionic waned into the background. But those feelings stayed.

Heavy stomps came towards him.

“Zhang.” Yerra snorted.

Harsh, sharp jabs to his skull finally caught his attention. 

He snapped to, nearly falling back, realizing the hulking mass of muscle was kneeling right in front of him. Green, piercing eyes were right in his face.

“You back? Or is your brain fried psion?” She asked.

“I-I-I’m back.” His voice trembled for a moment. “I’m back.”

“Good.” She stood back up before pointing at the bug. “What did you do?”

“It’s dead!” Row said, prodding the corpse. 

“Whatever he did drained all the color. The meat looks off.” Rappa added. “Better have not messed up the taste…”

They got to work dragging the dead bug back to the area where they were processing the meats.

Zhang looked at her, back at the bug, and then the arm he had used. “I… I don’t exactly know.” He said, voice slipping off into a whisper. “My psionics…” He paused. Should he tell her? “My psionics acted on their own.” At this point, his more rational side was taking a back seat.

Her brow ridge furrowed down. “Your psionics are becoming a concern.” 

He felt like that was an understatement.

“Ta fuck happened now?” It was Marcus. He had caught wind that something with the Chryssalid had happened again.

Yerra just raised a finger, motioning for him to come closer. “Voices low.” She said once he was closer.

“What happened?” Marcus asked once more, voice lower. He noticed the other Mutons dragging the Chrysallid away.

Yerra eyed Zhang, only to shake her head. Looked like the man was consumed by his thoughts again. “Hard to explain with how everything played out,” she let out several irritated grunts, “seems Zhang ripped the life out of the Chryssalid. Something like Dhay-Vol would do.”

Marcus’ eyes went wide. “He did wha—” He bit his tongue, catching himself. “He did what?” He hushed his voice. Eyeing Zhang, he noticed the man was still checked out, mumbling to himself. He nudged him a few times which caused Zhang to snap too. “You can do that? Like the ol’ stubborn Hearteater?”

“No.” Instinctively he answered, part of his mind wanting to ignore what had happened(and to share no association with the Chosen Warlock), only to bite his tongue. “Somewhat now? I truly don’t know.” Zhang shook his head. “This is new for me.”

Marcus crossed his arms, only to undo them a second later to pull at his messy beard. “My, my, my.” New developments.

“He may need a collar.” Yerra suggested.

Zhang glared at her, only for him to close his eyes as his shoulders dropped. “Maybe… maybe it would be best until my psionics stabilized.”

“Let’s not be too hasty.” Marcus said. He also mumbled something about him not being sure where the intact ones were even at. “But,” he placed a hand on Zhang’s shoulder, quickly tightening his grip when he felt the man pull away, “let’s get you to the doctors. Let ‘em psionic specialists monitor ya for a while. ”

Zhang wearily nodded. 

The two headed back to the house-turned-clinic and quickly found those psionic specialists and filled them in on what happened.

They were greatly lacking in the appropriate equipment, but sequestered Zhang away into his own room and set up some of the rudimentary psionic detectors they had to catch any energy spikes or odd activity. 

Zhang resigned himself to his comfy prison. Seemed like the medical areas were becoming his second home. 

So he meditated. He more than expected to feel that strain on his body like what had happened weeks(or was it almost a month now?) ago with his brief meeting with Jackal, but it never came. He still felt the invigorating energies coursing through his body and a strange content feeling permeating his psionics.

He needed to study that. Carefully. Or at least he tried to. 

As he tried to scrutinize his psionics, tried to recall that memory of an old XCOM comrade in better detail to help cross-examine it. Just as he was on the cusp of finding something, one of the doctors would disturb him. A quick check. Or one of the sensors went off. They had many “explanations” he didn’t believe.

This went on into the night and the next morning. He barely got any rest, barely a lick of sleep.

Morning came around. His psionics were stable again. The doctors reluctantly released him as the working psionic dampeners were misplaced. As soon as they were found, he was getting collared.

Sleep deprived and simmering, Zhang made his way back to his workshop with haste. He would have gone to one of the houses. He shared a room in, but really wanted to be left alone. And most would leave him alone once he was in his workshop. 

He made it to his destination mostly unbothered, except for Marcus siccing his pet on him to get him to stop as he ignored him calling his name. 

Anker was gracious enough not to use her teeth and just body-blocked him before pushing him over to Marcus. Zhang was ready to bite his head off, but Marcus placated him. He just wanted to hear directly from him how he was feeling and wanted to have a deeper talk about what happened and then the discussions of him wearing a psi-dampening collar.

With a hushed voice and through gritted teeth, Zhang still told him off. Couldn’t he have waited until he got some rest? But he agreed to that. Discussions needed to be had, especially since he was the group’s trump card with his psionics. With them still on the fritz, that took a fair chunk out of his usefulness, but his other creations helped.

Once free of that, Zhang swiftly made it back to his workshop. 

The door shut A few faint tinks creaked inside the doorknob as he locked it behind him.

Taking in a deep breath, the smell of metals and burnt wires filled his lungs. His throat trembled, hitching for but a moment. A cough slipped out. Nasty but refreshing. 

Carefully navigating past the assortment of assorted boxes and scrap, he found that rickety bed shoved into the far corner and collapsed on it. It shook, the wood frame groaning under the sudden weight until it all settled.

“I just know if Flint gets back while I’m out, he’s going to be in on this conversation. Same with the other heads.” Zhang mumbled to himself before burying his face into a pillow. 

He wasn’t looking forward to that. He just knew the others, especially Flint, were going to try to pry at him some more, try to learn about his past. But it was only far. 

Zhang slyly did the same to him and the others as he would “stumble” on their discussions about where they were moving next or setting up plans for scouting, raids, and trades. How he was starting to figure out some of them had some sort of military background.

Either way, he had to figure out who was friend or foe. Who could he trust long term? Share those more personal secrets with? He knew he had to play a careful balancing act with his aloofness whilst hiding his dual identities. 

“Less thinking. Go to sleep.” 

A quick scold to himself before he closed his eyes.

It took a while for the dark to take hold, but once it did he was out like a light.

And old memories began to surface.

[sins-of-the-sea]

W-what are you going to do with Rashid and Abena and Ruixiong? What is this about Phoebus? What have you done to Guy, Gio, and Josep?!

"Oh, Anonymous. Don't stress yourself hard enough. Nothing about them that hasn't started already. I do not corrupt or 'turn' my thralls on my own, if that is what you are worried about. They fall further into their Sins on their own volition. All I have to do is clarify to them that their place isn't on Earth with humanity, as humanity wants nothing to do with them.

"I'm assuming you weren't here for the Winter in regards to what happened to Guy. Just some sibling drama here and there, then Guy realizing that there is nothing to him but his Lust--and that is how it should be. The same has already been done to the cousins Josep and Giovanni to their respective Wrath and Greed long before they even sold their souls to me. Right now, Phoebus is on neutral ground rather to hold onto his humanity or surrender fully to his Sloth. He just needs.... a push.

"Rashid right now is also teetering on the edge, but he still hopes onto hope that he could redeem himself if he could just keep on trying to improve his relationships and stop seeing people as 'food' to fulfill himself as Gluttony. I am in no rush to push him at current--I'd rather focus on Phoebus for the moment. Once Phoebus has fallen over, however, then having Rashid fall into the ledge shouldn't be too difficult, especially as Rashid sees a bit of himself in both Twins.

"Abena, though.... well, maybe I can take advantage of the fact she will never have another child in her life again. How she will never have a family to speak of again. Her Envy rides on how much she enjoys invoking it through her husband and Crew.... a little cold shoulders here and there on how she is no better than any other despicable creature on La Demonia Roja may help.

"As for Ruixiong.... well, Pride is not always an easy thing to break. But Pride relies on support systems to validate--and of all the Seven who fear isolation and loneliness, Ruixiong has this fear the strongest. And you know he always wanted to be seen as a hero. I'm certain there are at least one of you mutuals and followers who'd love to see the boisterous braggart knocked down a peg or two... permanently. The more humiliating, the better. I may just ask for assistance for the sake of fun and engagement.

"I'm sure all of you would love to see them all face their demise. I'll make it as glorious and soul-crushing for your enjoyment."

[turtlemagnum]

long vent post, don't click the thing unless you want to read that shit

god, i feel perpetually like someone's second choice. perpetually the one that gets forgotten. the one who yearns and isn't yearned for. i want to be loved, not even necessarily in a romantic sense, but as a friend, as someone people genuinely care about. as someone that people message first, as someone people actually care about as a person and someone to listen to, whose ideas people think are interesting, as someone who's actually fucking engaging to talk to.

i'm genuinely not sure if i'm the problem or if the people around me are. most of the time, it feels like the people around me couldn't care less about what i say, how i feel, what i'm thinking. maybe this wouldn't be such a problem if i didn't care so much about what they have to say. i'm always the one to check in on somebody if it seems like they're not doing ok. i try to be there for people, because i care, but even when i try to be there for people i'm never their first choice for help. i know i shouldn't tie my self worth to what other people think of me, but i know we all need somebody sometime. recognition of the self through the other is a hell of a drug, i guess

i have to care, i have to keep caring, because that's one of the only good things about me. i have to keep caring, because i know eventually, some day, somebody'll care back. i know it can happen, because it's happened before, and then we pushed each other away until i couldn't take it anymore and broke it off. i just hope i'll find another person that cares the way i do, one that won't change to be uncaring towards me, before i die.

it feels like i'm drowning, perpetually, i feel the weight and pressure of the ocean above me and can feel my lungs crushing me. but i won't die. i can't die. because for now, it's my choice to die, and i care too much to make that choice. i have too damn well developed of a self preservation instinct to make that choice. so i keep going. i keep floating, crushed ounce by ounce, but i hang on, because that's what i've always done, and that's what i'll always do. i survive, despite it all. my soul is like a cockroach surviving a nuclear winter, my fighting spirit is just strong enough to keep me alive, so here i am. lonesome, without someone to love, without someone to love me, without someone to know, without someone to know me, without anybody to support or be supported by.

anyone i have that could be remotely described as a friend or family barely seems to care. at best, it's generally a passing acknowledgement fueled by a mutual interest in something. at worst, it feels like an obligation. just checking in, not caring about anything i have to say, if they do want "conversation" if it can even be called that, they just want to talk past me about their job or something else deeply inane, and back when i had a job all they wanted to talk to me about is my fucking job, because that's all there is to life for some people.

probably doesn't help that i can't fucking sleep lately. a few hours at a time at most, never restful, just technically enough to keep me alive. it feels like i can hardly do anything without becoming too exhausted to keep going. it feels like im dying. at least i've finally managed to get into a semi consistent routine of brushing my teeth.

i always have a hard time deciding what to end these on. not sure there's much of a point to anything, much less this post. at least, i do have hope that it'll get better. i have to, i just have to

[bewitchingivy]

Hello

My initials are TFA ♌️

I mainly used tarot

🦄

I chose: what you should know about them, first impression, what they love about you

Your future boyfriend first impression of you

Chaser

-Coming for you

-Determined

-Pursuit

Priority

-Family

-Provider

-Make the effort

Third party

-Confusion

-Soul contract

-Mercury retrograde

Boundaries

-Stop

-Speak up

-Self discipline

Competition

- eyes on another

- Multiple options

Lessons

Self development

Self growth

Karmic partner

Past life ties

Lessons

Change

This has a feeling they already know you or no of you. Their first impression is right off the bat they’re going to know what they want which is you.. they’re going to feel a need to go after you. However, something will hold them back. A potential blockage. They don’t know if you’re still healed or completely moved on from this past partner or if you’re ready to start over just yet.

What you should know about them

- very introverted

- A bit childlike or may be younger than you

- Has had ALOT of bad relationships where they break up and get back together but the communication was terrible

- This has left him very cold to relationships, he may have been just hooking up and doing situationships and not really looking for a soulmate.. than you’re going to enter his life

What they love about you

- they love how when they’re stressed they’re able to rely on you, you’re always there to help them whenever they’re feeling mentally “not okay” — yes they may suffer from anxiety

I’m seeing they have deep rooted family issues and someone’s childhood may be a bit compromised because someone was always missing ( like a parental figure) so they are able to relive their inner child through you.. through this marriage (yes your future partner is the one you’re going to marry)

Y’all are always going to be travelling, INTIMACY WILL BE A HUGE FACTOR, and you’re going to act — or maybe they see you as someone that’s going to guide them in a way.. they’re going to feel so safe

❛ love again ; entry #001

Hello! Thank you so much for joining my game and for following the rules <3 As promised, here's your reading! I hope you'll enjoy it :)  Remember to take what resonates and leave what doesn't!

his first impression of you:

i wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red Oh, gosh. do I even need to say something about this? The song says it all, HAHA. But anyways, just switch girlfriend in the title to boyfriend LMAO. Meeting you for the first time would leave him so awestruck and drawn to you. I get the feeling that he will be very curious about you and would like to get to know you more because you're so intriguing to him. He will literally crush on you the first time you meet him. There's a high possibility that this will start off as a friendship at first because he wants to take his time to get to know you more :)

your first date together:

Silent Night by Taylor Swift Wow. This is so specific. Christmas. Or around December, winter/holiday season. The two of you will start the date early in the day, like around late morning, and it'll end at night. I'm even getting that you will both get home at 12 am, LOL. But I'm certain to say that the two of you will have so much fun that day, and you will just feel so happy. It'll feel like time didn't pass by at all. You might do some holiday shopping together. 

what you should know about him:

closure by Taylor Swift This person has gone through a lot of hardships, particularly in his relationships. But then he's finally learned how to put himself first and say no to what he doesn't deserve. He learned to respect himself by not letting anyone cross his boundaries. If a toxic person is in his life or someone has treated him unfairly, he won't second guess his decision to cut them out of his life.

what he loves about you:

Alligator Sky by Owl City He will love how you are full of surprises to him, it excites him to know new things about you. It's like you're this mystical world he's just entered, and he can't wait to explore everything about the world. He loves how you just make him laugh and be happy like a little kid. 

how would he show his love to you:

Easy On Me by Adele He will be gentle and soothing towards you. He will make sure that you're relaxed and well rested after a long day. I get the feeling that his love languages might be acts of service, physical touch, and/or words of affirmation. Just say the word when you need him, and he will literally be there for you in no time.

signs you see about him:

Cloud 9 by Beach Bunny I saw 11:11 and 333 while doing you're reading! Therefore I'll take it that those are your signs. When you're with him, you feel the most confident. You might notice that it's him since he's a very attentive person towards the people he cares about you; especially you. 

a message from him:

Make You Feel My Love by Adele  [Good golly, we've got two songs by Adele in this reading. Maybe he likes listening to her songs? You should definitely check out this song, it really matches with the things I've said about how he shows his love to you.] "I still have many things I need to heal and let go of. I wanna work on myself first, so that once we've come together, I can be the best version of myself to you. Keep on giving love to yourself and doing the things that bring you joy, I have no doubt that the things we do out of love will lead us together someday. I promise I'll always be here for you."

my feedback:

I have heard a lot of times from other readings that he's childlike, he has old relationships that somehow left him wounded, and damn travel? I skimmed through people's entries in my inbox and I noticed that a couple of you said about travel! Very spot on! :) A lot of things that you said do resonate to my current situation right now. I can't help but notice that I relate to him, and I reckon we must be mirroring each other! Thank you so much for the reading!

Please don't forget to leave a feedback; tell me what resonates and what doesn't, and whatever you want to add! :)

[halfgoosehalfmoose]

Too late for therapy

Since after the lockdown I have felt unbelievably low at times. That was right when I started high school, and I remember it got to the point I struggled with suicidal ideation. There were 3 different times where I picked up a pen and paper with the full intent of writing a suicide note but couldn't even think of what to write because I didn't quite understand these emotions myself. But I remember stop studying or not doing homework when I was feeling down not because I thought I needed a break, but because I kept thinking "why bother with this now when you may not even make it past 18". I was stressing and struggling for the sake of a future I might not even have. I did not plan or think about the future, which I am paying for now, because in my head my biggest concern was just not killing myself.

I never learned how to talk about my emotions seriously, I never told anything to anyone. I was going through the absolute hardest most soul-crushing exhausting period of my life but all by myself. It got a lot worse on my last years of highschool, because academic pressure increased and problems with my friends and myself showed up. It felt like powering through a bush of barbed wire that kept getting denser and denser, but not knowing why or if it would even end. Graduation felt so freeing. I realized how much school was weighing me down and I started to actually feel hopeful about university.

That is when I approached my father about therapy. I wanted to start from scratch in uni, put all that struggle behind and somehow become better. But I feel he didn't really take my request seriously. He kept stalling and I had to remind him of what I asked. I know we can afford it because we are well off financially and we have already spent a lot of money in personal requests. It felt frustrating because I needed so much time to gather courage to ask him, I wanted to since I started feeling suicidal and it was like it amounted to nothing.

Now I moved to Germany to try uni here and I am feeling so many things, but mos of them are rooted in how much I'm liking it. It has been more than 3 months and I don't miss my parents. I am not particularly sad over not having friends here, and I never remember to call family or friends with updates. I don't feel there was an adapting period where I felt I didn't belong. There is the matter of the language, as I am still learning German, but it is not affecting me much. I was scared at first because I always heard about how sad and depressing it is, how rude people are, but that was not my impression at all. For sure it is very different from home but not at all as I was expecting(still waiting for winter to fully judge though).

I feel like a bad friend and bad daughter. I left my parents alone. My sister already left too and neither is married or has a partner. I was sad for so long thinking my friends didn't value me but now I don't know how to talk to them.

On the other hand, I'm paying for not thinking about the future. I thought I could easily study biology with my diploma but i didnt take the subjects i had to take so now I need at least 1 year to study for germany's university entrance exam and it will probably make me miss the applicationi deadline meaning I will have to wait another year, making me 3 years late to start university and that is if I go well on the test. I feel like I am wasting so much money since the Euro value keeps rising and my parents are paying all my expenses and I cant even work even if i wanted to.

There are so many things bottled up for so long that I want to deal with and talk to a therapist about but they are in the past. I dont know if it would even do any good bringing them up or just letting them stay behind. I dont even know how to start looking for a therapist and I know it can be expensive and wait time can be long. I feel like I am failing in every way possible.